The Digression Sessions - Ep. 55 - Dorian / Violet Gray!

Episode Date: November 12, 2012

-- I.C.Periodicals -- Hola Digheads! This week, Mike and Josh are joined by comedian, Dorian / Violet Gray! Keeping up with the trend of multitalented guests, Dorian is also a known larper, librarian, juggalo, burlesque troupe leader, and he can transform into a gorgeous lady known as Violet Gray. Dorian performs as Violet quite often. He’s two hilarious people in one! Dorian / Violet has been performing stand up comedy for over a decade. His first performances were met with silence, but he later went on to win Baltimore's Next Superstar Comedian Contest at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Vengeance was his! And he deserved it. Dorian is one of the nicest people to visit the Dig Sesh HQ. Maybe that’s why two different gentleman showed him their penises unsolicited? Maybe!   We also discuss a number of topics during this episode including, but not limited to: Dorian’s experiences as a transvestite, Juggalos, gaming, growing up in the inner city, Dorian and Mike’s sober lifestyles, and so much more!   PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts!   WANT TO LOOK FLY AS HELL IN A FREE DIGRESSION SESSIONS SHIRT? EMAIL JOSH – [e-mail]   Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should we start distributing powerpoints with every pod?! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10

Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Kedarni. Filling in for your other half of your favorite earbuds, Mike Moran. It's me, Mike Moran impersonator, Alex Berslowski. Hey, Alex Berslowski. Hey, Alex Burslowski. Hey, thanks for having me on the show. Not a problem. This was a fun episode. What an episode it was.

On today's program, we are joined by the LARPer, librarian, juggalo, transvestite, and most importantly, comedian, Dorian Gray. He was a delight, and we got into all those bags that he carries. He walks around with a lot of bags. That's his thing. We get right into it. That's what he's known for. And if you need more Dorian Gray in your life,

you can see him this Thursday, November 15th, at the Tidewater Grill in Hobbit of Grace, Maryland. He'll be featuring for Tommy Sinbazo. Those two guys, that's a show you will be at. Yeah, you don't have a choice. You're already going to be there. Yeah, just clear your calendar because you'll be there. What about Mike Moran?

I want to see more of him. You want more Mike Moran in your life? Guess what? You're going to get it. You go to NorthBaltimorePatch.com, and you can read Mike's column, Open Mike. It's a monthly column, and it's always a fun read. Mike's a very funny guy, as you know. And if you want to see more Josh Kaderna, I don't even have to ask that question.

I know you want to see more Josh Kaderna. Yeah, but how? I tell you what, you're going to have to come to Baltimore, Maryland. You want to be a little more specific? You've got to come to the Auto Bar. Tuesday, November 20th, for Chuckle Store. Wait a second. Yep.

Alex, that's my show. Oh, my show oh my goodness i'll be there no oh good good good i'm glad you're gonna be there i'm glad i'm gonna be there because we're doing a talk show we're doing a talk show we're doing a talk show all kinds of fun guests we got showbiz creators ben o'brien aaron gleason whoa we got chuck green from bros baltimore rock opera society comedians we're talking tim heckle stauber's hawk tim german Ben O'Brien, Aaron Gleason. We got Chuck Green from Bros, Baltimore Rock Opera Society. Comedians, we're talking Tim Heckles, Stavros Halkis, Tim German. All kinds of surprise guests. You're going to want to be there. It's a Thanksgiving feast.

It is going to be almost too much to handle. But if you need some dessert, some Josh Kaderna dessert, come out Friday, November 23rd at The Strand, where I'll be doing the improvs. It'll be rehearsed. Everybody will be ready to perform their improv set. We've been practicing a long time. What a journey we've gone through on this episode. We've gone through many rewrites, many, many rewrites.

So enjoy the episode. If you need more digression sessions in your life, check out digressionsessions.com. Dig Sesh Pod, that's us on Twitter. You can follow me at BetterRobotJosh. You can follow Mike at MichaelMoran10. And Alex, are you on Twitter? I think so. My Twitter handle, www.ChuckleStorm.com.

You don't have to type HTTP colon. No, you don't. Skip it. Okay. It's a new age. Skip it. Skip it. All right, everybody.

If you enjoy the podcast, please write us a review on iTunes and tell a friend. That's how we're going to keep the word spread. The word is brewing. Word is born, y'all. Enjoy the episode. That's good. That's good. You're going to be all right, kid.

How you get out there. You give a head. You pod your goddamn heart out. You pod. We should do an audio segment of that sometime. I can't do it. We should just intro it that way. You get out there.

You start riffing bits. You just go. You riff bits. I want you to be crap and humor. Eating jokes and crap and humor. Get out there, you bum.

Cut to us running up a mountain. Podcast! Podcast! Oh no, a Russian. I must break you. Social observations have fallen out of your ass. You need to be witty. More witty than the other guy.

I want that other guy to say, I ain't never seen such creative, obscure references since Family Guy. Only... Shut up, Dorian. Since Family Guy. Only... Shut up, Dorian. Mike was talking. Oh, right. No, we should welcome to the podcast. We should.

We should. But we're not. Mike! So anyway, what about when people do this one? Screw the new guy. Well, welcome to the podcast. Welcome, Dorian. Thank you. Comedian Dorian Gray.

What's up? Dorian Gray. You're a librarian? Yeah, I work at the Enoch Pratt Main Library. Oh. And you commute to Maine every day? Yes, yes. It's a pain in the ass on the Baltimore light rail.

That's how dedicated to the Dewey Decimal System you are. Yeah. You make that commute. 12-hour trip of peace. Dorian does Dewey Decimal system you are. Yeah. You make that commute. 12-hour trip of peace. Dorian does Dewey Decimal. That sounds like the nerdiest porn ever. And it's just erotic fiction, too. It's not like a real porn.

You have to read it. Did you know there's a such thing as nerd erotica? Isn't that just Battlestar Galactica? No, no. no literally it's like he had an it tech position she was a cosplayer there's actual literature like let me ask you this do they do they use like kind of nerdy puns when they're getting into to to the uh you know you're gonna lose hit points over this right exactly do they do that? I don't know because I haven't been brave enough to read it. You just write it.

Right, right. Exactly, yeah. I just wake up and it's finished. I don't know. I think it's a good way to get some really nearsighted chicks.

You're like a lycanthric nerd writer. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, Dorian, you're a multifaceted guy. Librarian? I didn't know that. Juggalo?uggalo apparently yeah there's talk of you being a juggalo and you also like to wear ladies clothes yes yes right which which is which is usually mutually exclusive among juggalos really really what is what is the how does the juggalo community feel about cross-dressing, generally? Well, they're generally a very...

Well, the whole Juggalo thing... Family. Yeah, it's supposed to be a collection of outcasts, but I don't think it would go over well in general. Is it a masquerade over macho-ized... Juggalo? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Really? Yeah. But it's kind of gothy too, isn't it? It can be because there's a little bit of overlap. That's true. There is some overlap on the Venn diagram. But juggalos have gotten to the point where, and I forget which state it was, they're classified as an actual gang. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Like the Crips and the Bloods. Wasn't the FBI, don't they classify them? point where in i forget which state it was they're classified as an actual gang yeah like the blood

right wasn't the fbi don't they classify it was jay or hooper actually tapped a violent jay's phone yeah right and that's where the hate of transvestites comes from exactly it's long long uh stewing um, so you don't chicken hunt in a dress, is what you're saying. No, it is very difficult. The hem of your skirt snags on the bushes. I've not been to the gathering of the Juggalos

yet. You have aspirations. One day, if I'm not doing something else. Do you find yourself, I mean obviously you're an ICP fan, but do you find yourself fitting in with the Jogalo community? Largely, no. Right. Well, that's fine.

You've got other subcultures to be a part of. Yes, yes. I've been in the goth scene since maybe 95. Since the actual goths took over Rome. Yes, yes. That was a very long time ago. Let me ask you this. They put up velvet everywhere. Vanilla Ice

recently signed to the Insane Clown Posse roster. Really? Yes. He's on the record label. Psychopath? Psychopathic. What's that? I think it's actually been updated to sociopath. Sociopathic record.

Homeopathic record, y'all. Herbal remedies in your face. He's appeared at every juggalo. I read this the other day. He's appeared at every gathering of juggalos. Yeah, I understand. How do you feel about that? I mean, hey, I believe I'm optimistic.

I believe that anybody should be given a chance to, to make some progress. Sure. I know that music aside, neo-Nazis, um, Dorian gray, neo-Nazi juggalo. That's all the time we have for the podcast.

They don't know what I look like. All right. He's black, everybody. And now the podcast is over. So you want to go, but why haven't you gone yet? How long have you been an ICP fan? Because they've been around since what, like early to mid-90s?

Yeah, I've been an ICP fan since Great Malenko, which is, I think... I like that you don't go by years, you go by the albums. Yeah. That's your era. That's how I do things. You go by the albums. That's your era. That's how I do things. I'm terrible with numbers. I'm absolutely allergic. In history class, they'd ask you,

so when did the internet get popular in America? Never mind, Nirvana. Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now. I'm not sure. I think it was in the early stages. Early stages, maybe. Al Gore's Basement When he was listening to that song I think we're alone now

I'm making the internet Oh god Now I picture Al Gore wearing Tiffany's outfit Dancing by the train Dancing around You know Tiffany was nude in Playboy a few years ago. Really? A few years ago? It was not long ago. It might have been a decade. A few years

for me these days is like 10 years. Yeah, but what ICP album was out at the time? I'm going to guess around the Bizarre Era. The Wraith. The Wraith. Now, I know with ICP, they go by cards, right? The Joker's card.

Now, have they released the final Joker card? Isn't right? The Joker's card. The Joker's card. Now, have they released the final Joker card? Isn't that when they're supposed to be done, when it's over? Yes. They released the final Joker's card, which was called The Wraith. Oh. And then they started doing some albums after that. Those albums were extraordinarily terrible.

And so they've kind of recycled back into some new spirits because each new cards yeah each no wild card yeah wow every like band like they try to do something new for a while it doesn't work so they just recapture what they kind of did they like the albums after the Wraith ICP tried to be lighter really did the Wraith, ICP tried to be lighter. Really? Did the Wraith have magnets on it? Or is that newer ICP? No, the Wraith didn't have any magnets. Okay.

The song is called Magnets. The song? I don't know what it's called. Wait, wait. What's it called? It's called Miracles. That was close though, Josh. I apologize. I think the Wraith did have Miracles on it.

I know, but did it have the song Miracles on it? Yes. Those are the only type of Miracles the Wraith had on it. No, the Wraith didn't have Miracles. That was on Pow Bang Buzz or something. No. No, it wasn't. On the Pow Bang Buzz?

No. Pow Bang Zoom came out, I think, either this year or last year. Yeah, Miracles was on the Wraith. Is that a reboot of the Bop-It toy? No. Twist it. Pull it. You know what the very best thing of all?

What? There's a counter on that ball. Boom. But, yeah, that was on Miracles. Okay. I'm sorry, Miracles was on the Wraith. Miracles were on the Wraith. Yeah.

And you're saying that they've... Because the whole how does that work meme right started before pow bang boom came out no it didn't yeah what's the newest one called uh the mighty death pop all right what what kind of wage are we talking here i believe that miracles not only do i believe in Miracles, but I believe that Miracles was on Pal Bang Wiz or whatever. It was not. I will bet you... I don't know. Josh, what are the terms? I'm willing

to grant you sexual favors from Josh. How about something with the loser wearing ICP makeup? Okay. To wear? Well, that would be okay for Dorian, though. If I lose, I have to wear ICP makeup. If Dorian loses, he has to wear a suit.

Kiss makeup? That's kind of cool, too, though. What else can we do here? I'm looking up the Wraith. I'd just say loser has to go to the gathering. That's all? Yeah, that's all. Just buy plane tickets and hotels.

Well, you guys better be goddamn sure about this bet. There's a lot on the line here. If Dorian loses, he has to call Professor Griff today. Okay. All right. All right. And if you lose... We have to tell you what to say.

Okay. And Mike, if you lose, you're going to have to wear the ICP makeup? Yeah. Like to the store or something or for a whole day? What's the duration here? Dorian what do you say um to an open mic yeah all right yeah that works okay let's see i'm looking at the track listing here you said it's called miracles yeah it's on pal bang whiz or whatever yeah i'm not seeing it here what's no i'm looking at the wraith okay i'm not and what has happened to wikipedia this is bullshit uh yeah not on the wraith so you're saying it's on what is it uh bang pal whiz or something what is it dorian bang

pal boom bang yep bang pal boom let's see going down to the track listing here, fellas. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Give me some of that sweet, sweet. It's on like Twisted's album or something. There's two discs. Yep. Miracles.

Oh, really? Bang Pow Boom. Bang Pow Boom. Think of a question. You're going to have to talk to the professor. Or at least leave him a voicemail at best. We're talking about Professor from Public Enemy? Yeah, we have his number.

You're going to call him. He's a big conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones. Really? Yeah. All right. So I think we covered enough ICP ground here. Dorian, let's talk libraries. Okay.

When did you fall in love with libraries? And are you going to go to the gathering of librarians held in Ohio? That's way too rowdy, dude. Yeah. You know, the term should have been you had to wear ICP makeup to work one day. They'd be like, oh, I see you've toned it down. IC periodicals i see periodicals microfiche how does that work uh yeah so you work you work in the library yeah did you graduate with like a library related

degree because isn't there isn't there likerelated degree? My dad has a library. Isn't there library science? Yeah, my dad has a degree. Really? That's good money in that, too. That isn't covered with what I do. What I do, I think, is actually simpler than that. I work in interlibrary loan, and we're kind of like the library's post office. So we deal with sending books away to other countries slash states and receiving them.

So if you need a copy of the Necronomicon, let's say you want to start the zombie apocalypse. I'm wearing the spine out on mine, yes. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's not a lot of them in Baltimore. Right. I'm wearing the spine out. And it actually has a human spine, I believe.

Yeah. Yeah, it's falling to bits. It's becoming arthritic. All right, so working in the library doing comedy at night yeah sometimes dressing up as a lady when you do it you live like you live a wild lifestyle there dorian yeah and he does it right next door to my mom the whole time the whole time yep so you and i'm a larper oh wow okay because you know the rest of it isn't strange enough no no you gotta add to it

you gotta keep it crazy so live action role playing is what that is now uh past guest tommy simbazo is a larper i understand you guys larp together yeah yeah tommy's more of a frontline fighter sure um you would you would find it you're the guy who brings pictures of waters to the wounded soldiers No You deal with loaning out weapons and stuff You're in the loan office I'm more of an assassin What, with like an arrow? Bow and arrow?

Dagger Wow Very in close from the sky You know a gun works way better, right? Well, yes, but you're not allowed to What era are we talking here? Dorian just brings a gun. Oh, who changed the rules?

What's going on here? This isn't in the book. You just shoot the book. I need no book. I don't know why you came to my studio. God damn it, I was going to do that. We don't need no stinky libro. Okay, so are you doing medieval times, or what are we talking?

It's kind of like a medieval fantasy sort of thing. Okay, so we're talking like an alternate universe. Is this Darkon? Yeah, this is Darkon. Okay, are you and Tommy in the same realm, country? The same realm? Aren't there realms? They're countries in the realm.

The realm is the big one. Yeah. Okay. Got it. My country was destroyed in a war about 10 years ago, real time. Wow. I'm so sorry. Real time.

But yeah. So his country's- Dead assassins and fairies. Real time. Bitch, I wish you would kill my wizard and burn my village to the ground. R. Kelly real talk reference,

you guys, if you don't get that. If you don't get that, then why are you downloading the podcast? Trapped in the dungeon. Volume 29. Now he's trapped in a dungeon too. We only got one spell Alright Okay so yeah your country was destroyed

Yes Our sincerest condolences What happens when your country gets destroyed? Did you become a part of another country? Sort of Roman style? That's what most people do Roaming? Well that's what most people do But meaming? Well, that's what most people do.

But me, I just decided to stay a nomad. That's what they call you when you don't have a country. I decided to stay a nomad for the past 10, 11 years. Really? Where do you sleep? It depends. What do you do when it rains? Mythical bus benches.

Well, they have tents. Well, you bring your own tent. This is... BYOT? Yeah. If it's a day event, then you go home and sleep in the bed. But if it's a camp out... Aren't we supposed to be in character here, though?

You're a nomad. Yeah. So I would probably sleep in a tent. Because that's where nomads sleep. Okay. Okay. And we all have battle names. What's yours? Obsidian. That's not. And we all have battle names.

Which is? Obsidian. That's not all that different from your regular name. Not terribly. How'd you decide upon that? It was part of my character history. Which, did you write that? Yeah, I did.

Okay. I plagiarized it. From, I don't know. Tommy Zimbazo. Yeah. That was an awful lot Tommy Zimbazo. Yeah. That was an awful lot like my character history. Yeah. All right.

So you're a man without a country, working in a library, listening to ICP. Yeah. Wild. Yeah. Wild. Wild. Wild. Wild. Wild.

Wild. Wild. Wild. There it is. There you go. There it is. That's the type of sugar papa likes. Nice and sweet. They're going to wonder what's going on here now. There it is. That's the type of sugar Papa likes. Nice and sweet.

They're going to wonder what's going on here now. There it is. Yeah. Just 25 minutes later. Uh-huh. Here we go. So where does comedy come into the picture? Where'd you grow up?

I want to know the succession of these things. Two very different questions, Josh. I want to know. I want to know. Where'd you grow up? Let's go with that first. Northwest Baltimore. No woe bow. Nope.

Nope. What was that like? Was it a tough neighborhood? Yes. Especially because I've always been kind of strange and I've always been kind of nerdy. I know that's hard to believe. Back the truck up here. Dorian Gray, strange and nerdy. kind of nerdy. I know that's hard to believe. Back the truck up here. Dorian Gray, strange and nerdy.

Strange and nerdy. Try to catch you strange and nerdy. You didn't cross dress at school. No, except for one day. Really? When it was spirit week. Spirit week or spirit week?

Spirit week. I wouldn't have attended Spear it week That's not what I was thinking about You know those people I don't know you guys are talking about something else I was talking about but right now that's offensive Sorry about homophobia you weirdo about something else. I was talking about butt raping. That's offensive. I went towards Norwegian. I was talking about homophobia,

you weirdo. So one day, so was it... They had spirit week the last week. Like your dress. No, it was high school. It was a Stallone movie

from the mid-80s. How many people did you arm wrestle to get your son back? Spirit Week. And I want you to be honest. We're in over the top week in our lives. Everybody's just turning their hat backwards. Arm wrestling?

Seriously, though. But we have Spirit Week, so there was bum day, twin day. Bum day. Dressed as a bum. I bet they canceled that after Columbine. Bum or bum? Bum.

Oh, okay. Yes. And then they had 70s Day. And then they had a cross-dress day. Really? Yeah. For the seniors. Were you on the student council or something?

I proposed an idea. What if we dress up like the opposite sex, huh? What do you guys think of that? I'll put that under the maybe list, Dorian. My school didn't have a student. Council. No? No.

We only went up to Spanish 2 and French 2 and had no other languages. We didn't have physics. We didn't have calculus. We didn't have trigonometry. Yeah. Not that I took any of those. Really? But let me look down on other people.

We had a counselor tell us that if we studied really hard, we might get like an 850 on the SAT. Whoa. Wow. I was like, thanks a lot. I guess I'll go sell drugs now. He's like, I can't stress this enough. He's like smoking a cigarette, undoes his tie a little. That's the best you'll do.

Yeah. If you try really hard. Yeah. That's the peak. By your third kid, you might get into... Were there a lot of teen pregnancies going on there? A lot of what? Teen pregnancies going on.

I bet when Dorian was around... Yes! An inordinate amount. Yes. Josh, look up the word inordinate, please. Continue. Isn't that an Eddie Murphy movie? Even the men were getting pregnant.

Yeah, that was really a surprise. That was my first time actually seeing blood spray. A birth? No. You're telling me... Please tell me that this story is going to be a birth happening in a classroom.

If by birth you mean savage beating. Oh. Yeah, tomato, tomato, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was walking up to class one day. Yeah, beating the vag. Sure. New podcast name.

Welcome back to beating the vag. Okay, continue with the bloodstream. From babies to fists, it's beating the vag. Rough. Okay, continue with the bloodstream. From babies to fists, it's beat and bevaged. But yeah, that's the kind of school I went to. So you saw horrible violence? Yeah. Regularly? Semi-regularly.

One of our security guards got beat up. Wow. Oh boy. The fact that you have a security guard is telling as well. That was kind of his fault. I think there's a security guard in our school. There's like one in Delaney. He sat outside and made sure that nobody pulled a come on.

I'm going to make sure I smoke all the cigarettes. Yeah, you know what? Actually, he stationed himself at the smoker's area. There was a smoker's area? Oh, I guess. Oh, an official one. Oh, okay. Was that not a thing when you were in high school?

Like, across the street, there's a big... I guess they really cracked down on that. I guess there could be, like, across the street. Like, some kids parked across the street for a while. When I went to Parkville, there was, like, a massive group of smokers. That was kind of, like, the symbol of it. And, you know, right there for all to see when everybody pulled in. Yeah.

And Delaney was kind of the same thing, but it was, like, down the side street a little bit i'm sorry continue with the murdering oh yeah no no it's it's just yeah it's just an example of the kind of place that i grew up and don't get me wrong there were certainly places that were worse than where i grew up. But there was still a contrast in the environment and, say, the kind of person that I was. So were you always, did you always wear your weirdness on your sleeve? Because I'll admit, I was kind of scared, too, when I was in high school. Like, I wish I had been myself a little bit more. I wish I had been myself a little bit more. But if I had, I probably would have gotten killed.

Right. Wow. Because I was seen as the weird one when I was trying to hide it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So when did you come out of the weirdness closet? I think when I hit college.

Uh-huh. Where did you go to college? Originally, Towson. Uh-huh. And I studied molecular biology. Mulbo? Yeah. And, but I don't, I didn't have the attention span for that.

But the important thing is. Sorry, what? I met a lot of other gamers. Okay. And. Is that where you met Tommy? Huh? No.

Well, no, that's not where. I thought he has like a story about like seeing you in college and thinking you were a woman. Wanting to have sex with you. Yes. That happened at Balticon, which is the Baltimore science fiction fantasy convention. So Tommy rolls up on you. Well, this is what happens.

Two guys in my country, when it was still around, in Darkon. What was the name of your country, by the way? Ebbingate. Ebbingate, RIP. Never forget. Pour out some potion but uh i was talking to two guys from my country and we had the reputation get this we had the reputation of being the dorks among the larpers what wow yeah so tommy dorkiest of the dorks talk about tip of the spear yeah that's where the dorkiest of the dorks. Talk about tip of the spear. Yeah.

That's where the dorks were. But Tommy saw me talking to these guys. And he said- Hey, pretty lady. What are you doing talking to these dorks? That's literally what he was thinking. He's like, I better go save her from these two- He's a hero. Evan Gate dorks.

That's literally what he was thinking. Right. And so he came over to talk to me And we talked for a while And I said, hey Tommy, what's up? And he's like, oh, okay So he had known you before Yeah, yeah

How did he know you before? After I went to Towson I went to Catonsville To study graphic design And it was there That I met Tommy went to Catonsville to study graphic design. It was there that I met Tommy. That explains a lot.

So Tommy went to college? Yeah. Let's tell the truth. Don't be afraid to tell the truth on this show. But mostly to sell E. Oh, right. That's why we all go to Catonsville Community College. Come on. Don't be afraid to tell the truth on this show. But mostly to sell E. Oh, right. No, I'm just kidding.

That's why we all go to Catonsville Community College. I heard that the E market has largely disappeared since 9-11. Really? Yeah, I think I read that the other day. Wait, are you serious? Yeah, yeah. I think because it's just hard to smuggle in. Read that on the back of a talking napkin.

Like most of it, I think, came from Europe. And now that they're like, you know, much stricter about searches and everything. I hear people talk about Molly. I'm not really sure what Molly is. It's a new name for ecstasy, basically. Okay. So Molly's around. I don't know if it's a variation.

I've never. Right. Well, it's all like a variation of what? MDMA, right? I've never. You took a semester of molecular. I've never done it. Right. Well, it's all like a variation of what? MDMA, right? You took a semester in molecular biology. Help me out here. Right, but I've never smoked or drank or done a drug. Are you serious?

You've never drank E. Tell the truth. You've never done any drugs or alcohol? Not today. No, I've never had a drop of E. You've never taken a sip of alcohol? Never. That's about to change.

What about caffeine? Yes. You should have upped the bet if we would have known this earlier. Oh, yeah, really. Loser does he. I don't either, but I have a good reason for it. What's yours? Just that the rest of my family...

That was a loaded question. What's your shitty reason? I have a good reason. Just that the rest of my family, they don't seem to handle addictive substance as well, and so I didn't want to open that can of worms. That's pretty impressive, though, that, I mean, as a teenager, you were able to make that connection

and stay away. Oh, before I was a teenager. So when did you get your first friend? It must have been in your mid-twenties, right? And not imaginary, Dorian. Not imaginary? Those are way more interesting. Those are everywhere. I had a centaur.

Really? He had a laser cannon. Oh my god. Is he here now? Steve? Steve? You see, he has a message he'd like to send you, Dorian. Is he here now? Steve? Are you here now? Steve? Raul? You see, he has a message he'd like to send you, Dorian. He wants you to know that he's okay and that it's not your fault.

It's not your fault. It totally is. It's not your fault. I'm sensing the letter R. Something with R. His name is Ramon. A cousin, a brother, a dad, a street you grew up on. I'm sensing a street.

Your dad. Are you his son? Was he a friend? Where were we before that friend question? Oh, we were talking about alcohol and drugs. Oh, yeah. I'm strange enough. Well, you must have made the decision at some point, I'm never going to touch that stuff.

Probably when I was about eight. You just saw the destruction. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I saw people, some uncle getting into fights and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Both of my parents were addicts. Both my biological parents. Really? Yeah. And I Yeah, both of my parents were addicts, both my biological parents. Really? Yeah, and I don't know. I can still have a beer now and again, but I've never done the most. I've done mushrooms twice and smoked pot and drank, but nothing like that. This would be the worst episode of Behind the Music ever.

Exactly. Notice they always have to have that intro montage of like, Quaaludes, pills. We were drinking five bottles of Jack. Like, it cuts to each guy talking about his intake.

And then there's strippers coming in. And then Ozzy snorted a line of ants. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I kind of know what you mean.

I've more looked at it as kind of a cautionary tale. Yeah. I don't want to be that either. But I don't know. I've never had that. I was kind of worried about that too when I started going out to have a cautionary tale. Yeah. It's like, I don't want to be that either. But I don't know. I've never had that. I was kind of worried about that too, like when I started going out to have a beer or two.

Mike, quit smoking E on the podcast. So neither of you have ever done E then? No. So I'm the coolest person here then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But with drinking, I just never had that thing.

Like, I don't know, if I get wasted one night, which is very rare. Even the next day, I'm not like, fuck you. Let's do it again. So I don't think I really have. Well, did you have like a time in high school or college where you enjoyed the binge drinking? No, even that. Like, I just I just feel shitty after a couple of days and just, you know, just can't go with it. Yeah.

I guess I get addicted to other stuff and I don't know, music or whatever. Video games are my vice. Oh, really? Yeah. What's your game of choice? If you could have just one. Well, if I could have just one. Who are you?

I'd have to say Skyrim. Skyrim? Yeah. What's that about? Skyrim? Skyrim? You play What's that about? It's... Skyrim? Skyrim? You play a guy with dragon blood. Skyrim job.

Skyrim was the name of my ship in World War II. We were real men. If we knew that that name... SS Dragonborn. Dragonborn? Yeah. DJ Dragonborn. knew that that name ss dragonborn dragon porn yeah uh dj dragon porn um so when did you get into comedy when did you start telling that joke dear lord uh i started roughly when i was about 20 22 that's when i went to my first open mic right how old are you now I am 35 okay

recent birthday right yes Scorpio what up what's up you guys should have your own like handshake words like get over here and you shoot it out like a spear but I started at an open mic called Courtney's Place. And the first couple times, I did it to absolute silence. Right. And then... How long was each? It's Buddhist comedy.

How long was each set? About five. Meditative comedy. The first time, I did like a minute and a half. I was so scared. I didn't know at the time that Courtney's had a reputation for being really rough and that a lot of comics avoided it. How funny is that? It's just like, man, don't go to Percy's.

Percy's is the roughest room. Courtney is such a flowery name. Courtney's is rough, man. Don't go to Mr. Skilly Wibbles. What you want to go to is Dagger McTavish's. That room. Those people are great. You have got to go to Stalin's. They are some kind,

huddly folks over there. I'll be performing at Zay Dung's next week. Yeah. You will attend. Okay, so the first couple times don't go very well. And then I went to an open mic. Were people calling you Borean?

No. Okay, sorry. More like Borean. Now, to be fair, they didn't boo. Right. But they just threw rocks at you. That's almost worse, though. If they didn't think you were funny, that place could have negative noise.

Right. Like they would just sit there and they'd stare at you. If a pin fell, they would catch it before it hit the ground. Just to keep it silent. Some guy sneezes, they shoot him. And then I tell the same set at another open mic.

And these comics are like, whoa, we've never seen you before. That was funny. Where did you come from? And you're like, quit fucking with me, guys. All right. Very funny. And I'm like, what? Taking on the new guy.

Somebody, huh? What have I been doing? Mm-hmm. And so, but, you know, I think it worked out. Yeah. Better. You won some award, didn't you? Like, best comedian.

Oh, 2009. Wow. How'd you win that? From whom? Oh, I'm sorry. Baltimore Comedy Factory. Every year has a contest. I'm kind of shocked that you won that, honestly. I mean, I'm not shocked that you won a Best Comedian award,

but at the Comedy Factory... Well, the Comedy Factory, it's a very generic place. Right. Yeah, we should say, yeah, it's in downtown Baltimore. It's a little touristy and kind of like that middle of the road. And it's not the same kind of place that it is now. The management's kind of different. Kind of different.

But Eric Myers had won before that. Aaron Jackson. The president? No, Aaron Jackson, not Andrew. Not the Indian killer? No. Coming to the stage!

You might know him as the Indian killer. But yeah, it was Larry Poon. Oh yeah, I've seen him. He's funny, actually. Comedy competitions are nerve-wracking. They're very nerve-wracking, but also very antithetical to comedy. It's just so weird to me, the competition aspect of it. Well, keep in mind that comedy competitions are about money yeah exactly because you're supposed to bring your friends yeah that's why i don't like doing like

the real comedy clubs you know i'd rather do like the shitty punk bars and whatnot yeah yeah you hear that you hear that improv irvine leave Mike Moran alone. Comedy store, quit calling. I ain't home. That's the name of your first album. I ain't home. You can keep on calling. I ain't home.

Get in the machine. Let me ask you guys this. What about when you experienced your first answering machine call? Did it freak you out? What do you mean? Well, you might be too young because maybe you always had it there. Oh, the answering machine? I remember the first time I ever heard,

I called someone and there was an answering machine. Hmm. It blew my mind. It was kind of always there, yeah. Dorian, let's hear your first experience. This should be good. Record this. And we're starting the episode now.

I don't remember. This is an answering machine. Record this. And we're starting the episode now. I don't remember. This is an answering machine. An answering machine is the least strange thing I've probably experienced by then. What's the most strange thing you've experienced? What's the weirdest thing you've ever experienced? Okay. And remember, you haven't called Professor Griff yet. Right.

Well, I do believe that um children are the guy that whipped his penis out at me on the subway it's the great that's pretty strange in new york in baltimore the light rail or the subway we have a subway we do have a small subway if i tried to ride it once i couldn't it goes from john hopkins to owings mill Mills. Okay. It's not very popular. I mean, depends. Right. If you're wearing Depends. Yes, if you're wearing Depends.

If you want to show your dick to Dorian Gray. You ride for free. He was definitely not wearing Depends. So he showed you his wiener. Did you ask him to? No. What I went wrong was I ask him to? No. What I went wrong was I asked him to show him.

Next thing I know, this weirdo pulls his wiener out. Yeah. All right. So let's hear this story. Is the Metro moving at this point? Yes. So you're trapped inside. So, I mean, I admit it was my fault. I was seductively minding my own business.

Just looking at his crotch. And he's sitting next to me, but across the aisle. Draw! Okay. Yeah, gotcha. And so I'm reading this book. It was probably like a Robert Jordan, Eye of the World sort of thing. How to get strangers to show them your dick for dummies.

It works. Oh, my God. So this big dude, he kind of looks like Forrest Whitaker in a tank top. get strangers to show him your dick for dummies. It works. Oh my god. So this big dude, he kind of looks like Forrest Whitaker in a tank top. Hey, Dorian, you want to see my dick? That was my Forrest Whitaker impression. Make your eyes like him. Hey.

He's like... Do you want to see my penis? There it is. That's not how he talks, is it? I just did that because it's Scotland. But he was supposed to be Idiom means. If you want to see my penis. You want to see my penis?

Would you like to see my dick? The emphasis on the wrong. Dick was perfect, though. Is everybody in Africa really speaking English, by the way? No. That's what movies keep telling me. Some speak French because all of Europe carved up Africa. Whoa, whoa.

You're telling me that Europeans took advantage of the African peoples? Yeah. I seriously doubt that, Josh. No, it's true. It's true. Yeah. Or maybe it's not true. Fox News said that Africa invaded Europe.

Did they really? No. This just in. Africa invaded Europe. Did they really? No. This just in. Africa invaded Europe. Moving on. Not recently. We have come for your roughly sleeves. Come for the roughly sleeves. Stay for the syphilis.

We've already cut off our own hands. Take all our rubber. What? They could use some rubbers in africa what were we talking we're never gonna get to the story about this guy showing you his okay so a guy shows you his dick oh yeah so and another funny riff riff riff all right good so this guy he goes hey and i'm like yeah not going to look. But it was his dick talking.

Down here. That would have been worth looking at, a talking penis. Hey, down here, buddy. You're going to stroke me. Do they sell those at Spencer's? Because they should. A fake talking penis. Like that talking bass on the.

Go side to side. Don't make this hard. Come on. Don't make this hard. And don't make this hard and i was like uh yes okay that was pretty good oh thank you so finally look i'm like whoa and he has because he has like his penis in his hand he's like hey come here is he is he uh milking or not milking no no uh not this time but how many times did you see this guy well i'm gonna train the next day to work two guys buddy come on two guys whipped their penises out at me within a span of a week of each other no way yeah the second time it was at the gallery mall bathroom and you're telling me there's not a god which was which used to be a down low place it used to be what oh down low

yeah it used to be wide wide stance okay okay but be what? Oh, down low. Yeah. It used to be wide stance. Okay. But let's go back to story A first. Okay. So this guy's like, hey, come here. And I'm like, oh, no. No, you're having a good time all by yourself, dude. Is there...

Are there other people on this car? No. No, it's just the two of us. Just you and he. Yeah. This... Yeah. Okay.

At this point. At this point. It's so much funnier if it was packed and he just chose you. You're like, why me? And then he's like... So he had a cold. Yes. And then he's like, do I know you from somewhere?

And I'm like, no. Hell no. I would have remembered you, dick in the hand guy. I'm positive. It was Shaggy Tudor. Yeah. Hey. He's just jerking it.

Family. This guy was probably a better rapper than Shaggy Tudor. Oh. I think you have ICP guilt. No, no. I'm just very realistic. guilt. No, no. I'm just very realistic. Yeah, you're a realist. What I like about them is a lot of their concepts.

Their lyricism isn't really their strong point. Right. Their skills. Right. They don't have flow like, say, Ludacris does. Yeah. Right. Or Eminem or Tech N9ne. Uh-huh. Right. They don't have flow like say ludicrous does. Yeah. Right. Or Eminem or tech nine.

Uh huh. But, but some of the concepts they come up with are hilarious. Okay. We'll get back to that. All right. So at this point there's nobody on the train. Except you guys,

just the two of you. What time is it by the way? It's probably about 1130 PM. The witching hour. It comes up to the next stop. The penis or the train? The train.

Well, both, technically. That's full of people. And I'm like, oh god, please let this man put his penis away. You're on your knees praying. Dear God. Not on my knees, he would have gotten the wrong impression. Guy's like, finally.

Yeah. Thank you for all the food. Please let this meal. All these people get on the train and he's like, oh, fine. I guess I'll put my dick away in public. You have the worst luck. All the bad things in life happen to me.

Public nudity. Then he gets off on my stop. Sure. That's not a... I don't... No more metaphors. What happened? He got off on my stop, and I was like, just to be sure, I better lose this guy.

And so I did. Good choice. I haven't seen him since then. Right. Well, we got a surprise for you, Torian. Penis man! Come on out. Come on.

God damn it. You are the father. All right. All right. Now the next. Well, let's make sure we're done with Story A. Yeah. You lost him. That was it. Yeah. Never seen him again. Right. right. Now the next. So that's. Well, let's make sure we're done with story. Yeah. Yeah.

You lost him. That was it. Yeah. Never seen him again. Right. OK. Now. No letters.

No phone calls. Nothing. Nope. No stencils. Nope. His penis. No stencils of his penis. OK.

All right. No caricatures. Is part of you a little disappointed that he wasn't heavier in his pursuit? I mean, you're a good looking man. I'm cool with it. That's already. I'll take the rejection. That's already pretty forward, though. The the penis out. I mean, you're a good looking man. I'm cool with it. I'll take the rejection. That's already pretty forward, though, the penis out.

You think so? That's pretty flattering. First base, maybe. I know. First base is penis out, right? Yep. Second base is like restraining order. Third, balls.

Yeah. Or his anus. I've had crazier experiences when out in lady form. Sure. Yeah, what is that like? You must get hit on a lot because you are a pretty lady. I'll say that. You are a pretty lady. I've had many a person compliment you.

Well, I've been doing it since I was three. Since you were three? Three. Wow. Well, there's plenty of ladies who have been dressing like ladies since they were three who aren't attractive. Boom. Where were you getting these clothes? My mother. And so they were vastly

oversized. Yeah. Okay. But something weird just happened last week. With clothes? Oh, to you? Yeah, yeah. Let's hear it. I went to a Halloween party with my friend Carolyn. Was she the one that you came

into the diner with? Yes. Paper Moon Diner, where Mike works? She was Chris from Blade Runner. And I was a cannibal housewife. Right. But what were you guys for Halloween?

Oh! You're the real cannibal housewives of Baltimore. Yes, real cannibal housewives of Papua New Guinea. You're Idi Amin. Yeah. But to make a long story short. Go for it. We've got nothing but time and hard drive me. Yeah. But to make a long story short. Go for it. We've got nothing but time and hard drive space.

Good. I made sure that she was safe because we live within walking distance of each other. She's local to this area, too. I made sure that she was safely in drunk sleep in her house. Right. Okay. And I walked home. Uh-huh.

And, you know, I'm in lady form. Right. Walking home at 4.30 a.m. What could possibly go wrong? Yeah, you're in Baltimore. Yeah. So a short squat dwarven looking Middle Eastern man decided to follow me home. Oh, creepy.

And I try to ask if he could use my bathroom. And I'm like, I've seen how this lifetime. Can I use your bathroom? Did you at least ask him if he's use my bathroom and I'm like, I've seen how this lifetime would be. Can I use your bathroom? Did you at least ask him if he's talking one or two? No. I like that's his pickup move too. He's like, hey, maybe if she knows I gotta take a dump, she'll get in the move.

And when I said no, he tried to push his way in. I really have to take that dump, lady. I don't think you understand. Tried to push his way in Yeah So he got violent with you Yeah, he tried to like Violent jig

I'm trying to Essentially this man tried to sexually assault you Yeah, yeah, I think Jesus Christ, it's terrifying That sex would have been disappointing for him That would have been even funnier, honestly You should have just let him do his thing until he saw the penis And then bent him over

Trick M. Night Shyamalan plot twist You totally should have seized that Alright we can do this There is no treat Only a trick Say hello to my Halloweener Halloweener

I've never heard that That's genius Say hello to my Halloweener. Halloweener. I have mixed emotions. I've never heard that. That's genius. Too bad Halloweener. I have mixed emotions about this. No. I just really needed to use the bathroom. Now you're raping me.

Okay, so then what? This is pretty scary, actually. Yeah, that's terrifying. Yeah, yeah. So I pushed him out because I was like, man, straight. Was he obviously intoxicated? No. Really?

He was just looking for a drunk person to assault. Yeah. And was he talking to you before he got to your door? Like, how long was he following you, would you say, before you got to your door? He saw me on Falls Road on the Avenue 36th Street. And he followed you all the way? To 42nd. Jesus Christ.

Wow. So what are we talking? Like six blocks? More than six blocks? More than. Yeah. Like a good half a mile really, right? Yeah.

0.7, Google Maps tells me. Right. Damn. And now is he talking to you at all? A little bit. And I'm just like. I got to poop. Hey like, I got to poop. Hey, girl, I got to poop.

He didn't. He just mentioned that. Let me get up in that toilet. I got to poop. Why did he talk like that? He makes it quick. I got to poop. I got to poop, poop, poop, poop, poop.

What kind of school baby are you using? Double plot? Double plot? Shaman? But yeah. Sorry. So I'm dating now. That is awful. So you pushed him back out.

And you were able to push him back out. And I locked the door. That's a horror movie right there. The only sensible thing to do at that point was to go upstairs and play video games. Right. Yeah, the right thing to do. Torchlight 2.

Yeah. Yeah. What a night. Whew. With Xbox. Yeah, there have been reported rapes in Hamden as well. Sexual assaults, yeah. Sexual assault.

It's the same guy. It doesn't look like it, though. Oh, yeah, because I've seen the Wanted poster, actually. They have one up the street. I'd say he wears glasses. He has cornrows. I think they said they last on the library. For those of you who don't know, it smells like books.

That is what I look like. I know. It smells like books and shields. Thanks for putting me on blast, dude. Not going to get any raping done. It's going to be very hard to rape after this episode comes out. Wow, that's terrifying.

Does that happen often? When you dress up like a lady, now are you getting ogled and talked to in a rude manner? I do get treated differently in both positive and negative ways. I went to Otakon,

which is the big anime video game convention. In downtown Baltimore. I knew you would go to Otakon. I know that's surprising. Must have lost another bet. Yeah. Master P-related bet. Yeah.

Master P-related. Master P-related bet. But there's a video game tournament, Soul Calibur. There's no limit to those bets. Anyway. I had to get that in. Sorry. Oh, my God.

I just got that. Thank you. Thank you. That's a no-limit records joke. Thank you. But since they thought I was a girl while we're waiting in line

for the Soul Calibur tournament, they decided that they were going to take the time to show me what all the buttons do on the controller. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Here you go, little girl. Nerds are more misogynistic than I thought. Dude, you have no idea. I know. I've been hearing that lately. People have been telling me about that. Huh? I've never heard this before.

Well, here's the thing. It's different from frat boy misogyny. Right. Well, frat boy misogyny is more of the bitches ain't shit sort of approach. Yeah. With nerds, it's... The Kaderna approach, as I call it. With nerds, it's...

Gaming is a guy's thing and I can be myself. Well, it's a guy's thing and I can relax and be myself. I'm uncomfortable around women and so when women come into a nerd space, I have to

sexualize them. I got you This is my world. Welcome, baby. Let me show you this is this is my world. I feel threatened that you're here Right, okay. I thought they're trying to use it as like they're they're like one-upper like no Let me show you what I do. Yeah, you're extra live a lot of nerds treat girl gamers the way women treat men who just walk into the women's bathroom. Really? Yeah. They're like, you better be gay. Do you go into the ladies' bathroom when you're dressed like a lady?

I definitely... I'm at the point now where I have to. Really? Because... Can you get me some pictures? I definitely, I'm at the point now where I have to. Really? Because. Can you get me some pictures? It looks just like the men's bathroom except larger. And nicer usually. Yeah. More couches.

Cleaner. Well, this is what I found out. Like, if I'm somewhere dressed as a girl. Sure. If I go into the men's bathroom, as I'm getting done, what'll happen is a guy will come into the men's bathroom, see me, and think that he's in the wrong bathroom, and then he'll come out and go straight into the women's bathroom. Without looking at the sign.

Right. Because, you know, deductive. This is clearly not the... Right. Is this on? Hello. Wouldn't he at least see the urinals? Yeah, but... Or do you squat over... Well, the thing is, if I'm the first thing he sees, he panics.

He goes, ah, crap, I'm in the wrong. Ah, I'm going to get arrested. And then he goes into the women's bathroom thinking that it's the men. And he's like, what is happening? I would like to see that, though, when he comes in and you're just like peeing at the urinal. He's like, no, it's cool, bro, right here. He's like, what the fuck there is a funny um hidden camera thing where like a guy goes into the men's changing room and the women are like ah and he walks out and and while he's in there they

reverse the signs they flip him around so then he goes into the other one and there's women in there too and he comes out and they reversed him again again so you go to the ladies room dude just pretty much everyone who does not know you or talk to you think that you're female for the most part yeah I would have quite good dress up have you had any bad experiences is there ever been any rednecks who have been like, Hey, what the fuck are you doing? It ain't the way God likes it. He likes it like me. They say something nice. Hey, your makeup looks really good.

Have a good night. A lot the way your eye shadow is contoured. But I've been relatively fortunate. I haven't had anybody say, take a swing at me. I've had people who were uncomfortable with it. Right. Name calling? Yeah, but even not to me.

Like, you know T-Brad. He does an open mic at High Tops Grill. The firsthuh I do it he doesn't open mic right the first time I did it as violet afterwards somebody complained complained yeah they complained that man's too pretty accordance with the Bible yeah what is doing at an open mic what do you how do you allow that sort of thing here right into moaning Marilyn that happening there like that's kind of a redneck yeah you how do you allow that sort of thing here right into money Maryland happening there like that's kind of a redneck yeah yeah thank you Brad said something along the lines of oh so you want to do them that's cool that's good that's good

yeah T Brad seems like a good guy yeah he's pretty limited limited interactions with him so what is what's the plan with stand-up you're gonna just keep doing it or I mean you've been doing it what 13 years you said yeah often on I've had to take I've had to take some more than one year long break mm-hmm like I got I had a job for about four years that was six days a week at night. So you weren't doing any comedy at noon? No, not a lot at noon.

But the plan I guess is to keep doing it and see where it takes me. Where would you want it to take you? I would like to be doing stand-up bigger places. Do you want to be a full-time stand-up eventually? Eventually.

Yeah, I think I do too. Yeah. But I don't want to dive into it and be halfway homeless for years. Right, right. It seems to be a part of it, though. It seems to be a part of most things that you've got to be a part of it with most things that you got to have. Most performance based. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Most entertainment related. You know, some type of art. It seems like. Yeah. There definitely has to be that panic period where you're constantly. Yeah.

Well, that's not sure how you're going to pay rent. Right. And then, you know, the theory is that that's what's going to keep you focused on your. Right. On your. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You know, it's going to give you the driver.

You can prepare more and more. You can build a foundation. You shouldn't just go quit your job tomorrow. Make sure that you're going to have some money. Screw you, I'm going to be famous. Yeah, you'll see. Ten years later and you're showing Dorian your dick. Things worked out real good.

Tell us about your comic styling. You seem to have like you keep it pretty clean. You keep it pretty high brow. Yeah, and that's not through any conscious effort. Right. That's just kind of where my mind is. Yeah, that's kind of how I

am too, I think. I don't really make much of an effort to be like super PC or clean or anything Yeah, that's kind of how I am too, I think. I don't really make much of an effort to be super PC or clean or anything, but that's just the kind of comedy I like. I don't curse a whole lot just in my regular language. Sure. And that's not through any commitment not to. I just, it's just not.

You just straight up don't give a fuck. Yeah. I hear you. I straight up don't give an intercourse. At all. But I've seen you perform as Violet. Is it Violet Gray? Yeah.

Violet Gray as well. Violet. Is that a play on Violet Jay? No. That's pretty good. I actually didn't choose that name. One of my friends gave me that name. Let's talk about your real name briefly.

Okay. That's your real name. Dorian Gray? Yes And did your mom do that on purpose? Yes, she did Okay Her second choice was D'Artagnan

Because who needs a bully-free childhood? Right, yeah What's your name? D'Artagnan What the fu- They would just murder you on sight What's your name? D'Artagnan. What the fuck? They just murder you on sight. I can't even pronounce that shit.

So when you perform as Violet, is your set different than Dorian? Well, I guess there's more to talk about because I saw both of you guys perform at a benefit for chris lamartina's upcoming film and it was a burlesque show and there's comedy in there as well and that was fun that was fun a lot of confused boners that night it was a gothic burlesque so lots of yeah boobies and blood and glitter. I'm used to that because I actually am the occasional host for a goth burlesque troupe called Black Tassel. Okay. I like that. I think I saw you with them, didn't I? I think I saw you host one.

Yeah, you probably did. At the Creative Alliance. For Black Tassel? I think so. Maybe you were just there. I was probably there. Okay. Because I don't think they've done the creative land shit

No no no You were hosting You were hosting as Violet I remember Yeah Okay That's amazing And you're a host

Of a burlesque troupe Yeah Black tassel Black tassel Adding to the list Of fantastic things Favorite ICP song Hold on

Favorite ICP song Is got to be Magnets. No. No, that one is silly. Down with the Clown? I heard that one in high school. To Catch a Predator, I think, is my favorite right now.

Yeah? Okay. What about To Catch a Predator 2? With Danny Glover. To Catch a Predator. favorite right now yeah okay what about to catch a predator too with danny glover this girl's getting too old for this shit what's like i say oh yeah the night that you guys performed together though i wanted to talk about this because it was uh it was pretty weird oh yeah yeah it was uh you you guys are both doing comedy and then you were a judge as well.

Yeah. Dorian that night as Violet. And there's some weird guy. He looked like a giant Allen Iverson a little bit. This weird guy. It's a bunch of just kind of like nerdy, more like kind of alt kids hanging out at this bar in downtown Baltimore. Well, not downtown, but Baltimore Arts District. Yeah.

And guy had sunglasses on at nighttime, not talking to anybody. And he was like heckling you during your set kind of Mike. I wouldn't say so much heckling me as just trying to talk to me. Yeah. I think he was just out of his mind on drugs. I'm not sure what. He must have been on something. Apparently he was extremely drunk.

Okay. I could see that. They said that he had sunglasses on. They said that if you lifted up his sunglasses his eyes were just like all over the place right right the weird thing was i he was so soft-spoken though that i didn't really know what was going on yeah i thought like he maybe he was like the guy who who tells you when to get off stage or something like i thought maybe he was being like okay wrap it up yeah so but you're like uh what'd you say because the guy's like

sitting like almost right in front of you and you're like what and he's just like who was the host uh john bennett john bennett yeah see what happens is so the the show's going on and this guy's kind of kind of sort of being a distraction when you're on and then you get off stage and john bennett comes out and he's doing his in in between transition hosting and this guy walks up and he sits on the stage yeah but not facing the stage facing the audience he's like right he sits on the stage facing the opposite way right and john's like are you are you hey can i help you uh are are you in show business because that that that's largely who the stage is for. And the guy just completely treats him like a Buckingham Palace guard. Just refuses to acknowledge John in any way.

That's a good way to put it. Just this stoic, straightforward, I'm in my own world, fuck everybody. Totem polling it. Yes. It was a big poll. Like, straightforward, like, I'm in my own world. Fuck everybody. Totem polling it. Yes. And so the girl. It was a big poll. So Allison, who was running the event, she comes over and whispers to him what I'm assuming is you can't sit there. Yeah.

So he stands up and he takes his jacket off and he throws, he puts that on the stage. Really? Yeah. Kind of like, I'm not going to sit here, but there's my jacket. And she was like, you got to get your jacket up too. So he gets his jacket up and he tries to sit on the judge's couch. Oh, I didn't see that. And one of the burlesque dancers, Natasha Siracha.

Fantastic. She was the one with the My Little Pony head that plunged the feather into her wrist and shot blood all over the stage. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. Haunts my dreams. Go ahead. Go on. But he tries to sit there and she's like,

you can't sit here. And he goes, yeah, whatever. And tries to sit down and she just puts both her hands on his butt and goes, no! And just shoves him off. Wow, I didn't see that. That's funny.

Did we ever get to the second penis story? Well, hold on. I'm sorry. It just shoves him Nice Wow I didn't see that That's funny Yeah Did we ever get to the second Penis story? Well hold on I'm sorry Hey I know it's digression I know it's digression sessions I'm feeling

But this But this has a A great button to the story When you When you got on stage Oh yeah It's just that As Violet

Yeah Like you kind of go Like cause I guess it gives you more material To talk about like obviously Like I'm dressed in drag And so like you kind of go like because i guess it gives you more material to talk about like obviously like i'm dressed in drag and so you're kind of talking about that and right the it's like the idea of being like straight or like are you gay or whatever like oh yeah and then and you're like i don't know you're making fun of do you remember what you said about him being being a straight guy because i don't want to mess it up. What did I say about him?

About that guy? Yeah, and you seamlessly brought it into your joke. It was so funny. I have a basic idea. I just don't want to butcher it if you remember exactly how it is. No, I don't remember. I was making fun of his sunglasses.

Well, you go, yeah, like a straight guy does. He just sits on a stage and looks the other way like, titties? No, thanks. Or something like that. It was just perfect. Because he had the sunglasses on. straight guy does like he just sits on a stage and looks the other way like titties no thanks it was just perfect because he had the sunglasses right it's gonna be as uncooperative as possible he's not looking the right way and he put sunglasses on oh yeah but it was uh it was a perfect way to like bring the tension out of the room right everybody kind of commented on it a little bit but you just like nailed it Like how much of an asshole that guy was.

Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing I learned from a funeral, actually. We went to my grandmother's funeral. Burlesque always kills at a funeral. Yeah. But we went to my grandmother's. He was a good man. Tassel's moving.

But I had a bunch of little cousins ages like six to eleven and they're all sitting on the couch in their sunday best waiting to go to this funeral and uh my aunt walks by and she's like you everybody's quiet and mopey and she's like you all you you kids look beautiful today and they they're like, thank you. And I walk by and I go, please, they look hideous. Look at these monsters. And the kids just pause for a beat. And then they go, they stand up. No, we don't.

You look ugly and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then everybody burst out laughing. And I learned from that that there there are certain ways it's like tension it's like tension is a balloon sure it's steadily it's steadily expanding and if you can just pop it then everybody's having a good time oh thank god right yeah and because you know nobody was everybody was feeling kind of awkward because it was a good vibe and then that guy had to come it was yeah it was just such a bizarre outlier of the show and yeah he just was completely uncooperative and right but since i had a microphone yeah and i addressed it on stage yeah that gave the audience a way to process it and deal with it yeah you know yeah it was great because everybody was

thinking it and then the way that you seamlessly merged into your set was perfect. So I guess that speaks to your caliber as a performer. Well, I'm okay. Well, I was going to say that. Let me finish. As an okay performer. Good job. You do seem pretty good with dealing with hecklers and improvising on stage.

Is that something you've always been able to do or it depends I don't get heckled a whole lot but I do sometimes and oh it's important to mention that Tommy Simba Zoe and I started in the same improv troupe okay yeah I think when he was on the show he mentioned that he was in an improv troupe. Yeah, he was the best improv comic I have ever seen. Really? Crazy good. Yeah, Tommy can, that's pretty evident in his sets, too, because a lot, I mean, I've seen sets where they're just complete crowd work the entire time. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. Dude is quick. That makes sense. Right on. And he's really good in bed. In bed? Yeah. But he's hung like a...

Best $5 I ever paid. Like a LARPer. Hung like a LARPer. Very much so. Oh, did I tell you the story about how Darkhan got mistaken for the clan? How does that happen? Okay. Especially if you're hanging out.

Oh, there they are. It's the black Klan. It's the black people. Affirmative action is taking over everything. I'm the better man for the job. Well, certain spells in Darkon... I know, Dorian. ...are represented by certain articles of clothing.

Of course. So protection from fire is a red cape. I know, Dorian. is represented by a white hood. What is? Gas? Gaseous form. Like mist form. That's kind of insulting. You give the clan the farty one. No wonder they're upset. Yeah. I wish we hadn't hurt the clan's feelings. There's a bunch of rednecks sitting around. It ain't right. Making us like farts. Try to do the right thing.

But here's the thing. We have this one adventure where there's this magical wall. We have this one adventure where there's this magical wall. We have this one adventure where there's this magical wall. And we ask the elders. You know, like they always have. And they're like, how do you pass this magical wall?

The only way to pass it is gaseous form. So they got everybody, every wizard that could cast gaseous form. So, you have these 30 guys wearing hoods.

The only way to pass it is to burn a tea. So, you have these 30 guys in hoods. They hate burning teas. Right. That was in South Park, actually. Right, yeah. For time to leave. Yeah.

They hate ghosts, too. Sorry. When we hit each other with the weapons yeah the weapons are color coded with damage so a basic weapon is is white uh longer weapon is black and also that the white one the white one doesn't cause much damage and it's smaller that's perfect but you have to call out your color when you hit people. And you have to announce. And if it's a power move, you have to say power

afterwards. White power. But what the woman who called the police saw was in the middle of the night 30 people in white hoods running up to people with sticks yelling white and beating them wow that is what she saw tell that on stage that's that's a pretty good story you can't make that up

but yeah that is what she saw and the cops show up and yeah yeah Were you just like, no, officer, we're just playing make-believe? We're not Klansmen. We're just dressed up in costumes. We're brand wizards. All of us. We have a lot more wizards and dragons than the Klan does. Thank you. Does anybody ever get really upset at a Darkon match?

Oh, yeah. Do actual fights ever break out? Yeah, I've seen fights break out. Like, is there stuff like, got you, no you didn't, fucker, blah. I'm an elf, I'm immune to yellow bean power. Cassius form, Cassius form. Let's get them guys. It very rarely degrades into actual fist fights.

Because what a lot of people don't realize is that some of the people at Darkon are freaking huge. Like, there are a lot of people there with actual martial arts experience. Tommy hits hard as hell. Does he? Yeah. I'm not surprised. Yeah, and he builds his own armor and all that stuff. Yeah, he comes out in plate, and he has a tower shield.

Yeah. Remember the time he shield bashed his ex-girlfriend and beat her to the ground? Whoa. It's like, it's all in the game, bro. It's all in the game. It's a game. Bam! One of the funniest things.

Spiteful ex-boyfriend potion. They do this on newbies a lot. Where you have to play certain creatures. Okay. And they were like, there's a skinny boy. And they're like, you, you are an ogre. Which means you take 20 hits before you die. And he's like, I can take 20 hits before I die.

I'm going to be awesome. You sure can. That's what they call Rod can take 20 hits before I die. I'm going to be awesome. You sure can. That's what he told Rodney King too, I think. You're an ogre! Oh, sweet. But that's basically... White power! You're an ogre!

I hope no one's videoed it. It's 1992. People don't have cameras everywhere. Tommy just knocked him to the ground and laid on top of him with his shield and just beat him 20 times in a row. This sounds like GS-13 initiation versus Darkon. They beat you up. The two are remarkably similar.

I thought it's the Hispanic gang. Yeah, MS-13. MS-13, okay, yeah, sorry. Not to be confused with PG-13, which is not a very scary gang at all. No. You're allowed one fuck in that gang. We have mild language immunity. You're going down, butthead.

Adult content. So you're actually hitting each other. Yeah. Yeah. But are they like foamy weapons or what? They're foamy weapons with solid cores. Yeah, so it would be like a metal thing wrapped in foam. It depends.

So it's like a Terminator, basically. If it's something more than six feet tall, it's probably metal. Okay, right. Otherwise, it's probably like PVC or something. I saw a guy get his rib broken. Jesus Christ. After you stabbed him in it, right? After somebody else hit him.

Well, his rib was cracked. Did he make a woman out of it? No. So what's your weapon of choice? Dagger. Two small swords. Okay, two small swords. Gotcha.

If I'm being hired to hit somebody specific, then I'll use a dagger. Now, is that how it works? Are you an assassin for hire now that you're a man without a country? Yes. And you don't want to join a country. And that doesn't weigh on you morally. You're not fighting for any cause. No.

Just for the money. He goes home to that fake pile of money that he lost. Do you get paid? Is that how it works? Yeah. What do you do with the money? It's like Chuck E. Cheese where you have your tokens and you're like dark on keyboard or something.

Or like 500 rubbery spiders. I'll buy poison. Here's a ring with googly eyes. I'll buy poison. On CD. Greatest hits, whatever. The object is to make them suffer, not me. To make poison suffer.

Whoever gets the most points gets to harass poison. CeCe DeVille's like, oh no. Okay, so you saw the guy get his rib broken. I saw a guy get a twig through his ear. Wow. Now, everybody's drinking at these things too, right? After a certain time. Right, after a certain...

But it seems like it's an excuse to party and hang out for the most part. The campouts, yeah. Yeah, we have the event. And I think towards the day after people have been fighting and bashing each other into the brush, they sit around their campfires and then they eat and they drink. And they share stories from ass whippings of old. Is there a lot of sex going on at these things? Not a lot.

Wendorian's there. You couldn't hear that at home, but we high-fived. Yeah, we kind of missed. Well, wait. Do it again. Yes! If you were just tuning in homily high-fived yeah we kind of missed yes if you're just tuning in we high-fived so there's not a lot of action they've never turned out medieval orgy no there's there's some sex that happens right occasionally right but I try not to be there I try not to pee there. You try not to pee there? When they're having sex.

Speaking of pee, let's get back to penis story number two. Yeah. We'll go out on this one. We'll take a break. We still need to talk to Professor Griff. We're going to take a break and try to get him on the phone. Get him on the horn. Get me Professor Griff on the horn.

Put him on the blower. I'll call Dorian the blower. Oh, man. Least intimidating gang name ever. I want to fight him. With the blower now, let's see. You don't want the blower to show up.

I want to fight this guy. I heard he was the blower. Get out of the car. You're putting chapstick on. I already got my pants down around my ankles. I've been riding the metro all day. So, penis story, the sequel, go. Oh, okay. So.

Oh, yeah. I'm meeting some friends to go to a club. Look me in the eyes. I'm meeting some friends to go to a club. Look me in the eyes. I'm meeting some friends. So I'm getting changed into a more clubby outfit. Right. I wasn't getting changed into like violet gear. Right.

Just something more gothy. So I'm getting changed. So what were you doing at this point? I was putting my... I'm just kidding. Oh. I'm getting changed. So what were you doing at this point? I was putting my... I'm just kidding. Oh. I'm getting changed like five times. Sorry.

Getting changed. So I look up, and there's a guy that's kind of peeking through the stall. I'm at the bathroom in the gallery mall in the stalls. Okay. And this guy's peeking through like trying to peek and i'm like this stall is occupied right and so i'm changing i'm changing i look up he's still there and so i'll say it again this stall is occupied so he goes into the stall next to me so i'm changing putting on and then i hear a voice above me. Yeah.

Put that purple shit on. And I look up and this dude is standing on the toilet looking down at me, masturbating. Oh! Holy shit. Yeah, so what'd you do? Put that purple shit on. I was like, audience now.

Oh yeah. Finally. Put that purple shit on I was like audience now Finally And so I told him to go away Because that's what you do When people look at you and masturbate Well that's what you do You start freestyling Purple shit But He was like

I'll give you Five dollars to mumble, mumble, mumble. And I was like, get out of here. He was like 10. I was like, oh, damn, I'm a cheapo. And and he's looking down at me. And the funniest part of this, in retrospect, was that while this was going on. I hear the door to the bathroom open up. Somebody go,

Oh, hell no. Not again. And then security came in. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And this is what I learned.

Like when you go in, because I don't I think they've kind of squashed that now, but when it was a heavy down-low hangout, when you went in there, guys would be just standing in there kind of loitering. Like, sup? Right. What mall is this? The Gallery?

The Gallery at the Harbor. Oh, okay. And they would wash their hands when they saw you and they'd try to make eye contact with you through the mirror. Oh, and that's the sign? I mean, I don't want to know or need to know.

Did you just write that down, Josh? No, I was writing a note to myself about something else. You know, I walked to and from and through Druid Hill Park for years going back and forth to school without realizing that all those nice looks and slow down cars were probably a request for gay sex. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Apparently that's a thing at parks. Yeah. Well, you are pretty sexy, Mike. I know. I know. And your penis was out. Yeah.

I know. And it's weird that they came from women. Oh. That's the problem. That's the problem. Yeah. I know. And it's weird that they came from women. Oh. That's the problem. That's the problem. Women. Alright, well that's... Wait, so you didn't see a penis here. Well, you flimflam. No, he still whipped it out.

Well, people are whipping out penises by you all the freaking time. I don't know anything. Dorian the penis magnet gray. I feel a little let down. I'm going to be honest. I think that was a good story. I'm not let down that his penis was not closer.

We were promised a penis. Come on, Josh. We were promised a penis. I would join in, but the guy was masturbating. That's a one-upper there. How do you even know he was masturbating? Because I can see him from the shoulders up. Rapid arm movement.

Maybe he was scratching his belly. Maybe he was hungry. Yeah, I don't think so. There's a certain rhythmic breathing that I thought was very distinctive. If he did say that. I wouldn't know. I've never masturbated. Keep putting that purple shit on.

I'm really hungry. He's just belly. Yeah, he was a freaky cannibal It was the cookie monster We're going to take a break We're going to try to get a hold of Professor Griff Hopefully we do I hope this isn't anticlimactic

We tried to call once, he didn't answer But we'll see Do you know what question you want to ask him? He's a rapper We can take a what question you want to ask him? You don't have to think about it. He's a rapper. We can take a break. Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want.

If it's conspiracy theory related. Whatever you want it to be. Okay. All right. All right. We'll be right back. Hopefully with a call to Professor Griff. Hello. Hello.

Hello. My name is Dorian. Is this Dr. Griff, oral surgeon? I'm sorry. This is Professor Griff. I'm sorry. I was looking for Dr. Griff. That did not go well.

That was him, though. It's funny, though. He said, is that your question? That's what he said, didn't he? Really? Yeah. I guess he's used to our 410 questions. That's your question?

It's like he's a... I like that. He's like a genie. You only get three wishes. You only get one question with Griff. Nope, that cannot be the question. Hop on the mic, Mike Alright, well we want to thank Professor Griff for coming on the show

That's what they sound like having sex. I hope you can hear that, Josh. I can barely hear it. It's the end of the podcast. That was me I can see how that took a lot out of you You sang for seconds on end Multiple seconds Well Oh, Munt's is angry.

This is the end of the show. Fortunately, Professor Griff only allows one question. God damn it. I guess I should have had that question before I called him. It's alright. At least we got him on the phone. That's the first time we got him on the phone. So you've got the magic touch.

He must have known you're black. Yeah, because members of Public Enemy hate black people. Do you have the black app on your phone? Yeah. Yeah, instead of like star 67. That reminds me. I got stopped. You know, you ever heard of driving while black?

DWB, I get called for it all the time. Yeah, I know, right? I got stopped by the cops while jogging. Really? D-W-J. Yeah. They were like... Where are you running?

Are you running from a crime and all that Nike gear? While you check your pulse? Well, right. Yeah, they drive by me because they see me jogging. Right. And then they park about 50 feet ahead of me, and they're like... Are they looking in the eye through the mirror? Yeah.

You know, those cops that jump out of a cake and start grinding. But he was like, hey, man. They get out of the car. They're like, hey, man, what are you running like that for? Really? Yeah, that's what they said to me. And I was jogging. I was like, if I was running like from a crime or something, I wouldn't be like.

Just gingerly. And your giant play school head Walkman. Right. I was running from a crime in the 80s. But yeah. I just robbed a Sam Goody. Right. So does that happen to you often?

Has that happened before? Getting stopped by the cops? Yeah, like racial profiling? Yes. How many times in your life? Because I don't know if you've noticed, I'm quite the hardcore gangster. How many times total? Yeah.

If I had to count, there was that one time, then there was Towson. Then there was Columbia. And there was one more. Probably as far as I remember, about four. Really? Four. Where it's just clearly evident racism going on. I can't read minds, but... Wait, what? We're like, what, two hours into this?

Yeah, I've been misled. I'm going to be honest. Oh, you thought I could... Oh, shit. I embellish on my resume, I admit. I knit. But I don't read mine. Can you at least read Braille?

If it's typed out, yeah. Well, thanks for risking being pulled over for DWB, coming over to the podcast. No problem. And you're also going to risk it on the way home. On Professor Griff's hit list. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks for asking that question. Now we know.

We got him on the horn. The more you know. And knowing what Professor Griff has to say is half the battle. Yeah. Where should people look for you online, Dorian? We'll go through this in the beginning of the episode, too. But just to refresh the memory. They can see me on YouTube.

On the YouTubes? As Violet Drow. V-I-V-I-L-E-T-D-R-O-W. Drow. Okay. Which are the Dark Elves in D&D. Obviously, yeah. Anyway.

Yeah. And Facebook. Violet yeah. Anyway. And Facebook. Violet Gray Facebook. Okay. Nice. And do you have any shows coming up in November? Mid to late November? Yes. All right.

All right. We'll add those in post. We'll figure them out. All right. Well, thanks so much for coming on the show, man. Thank you, Dorian. No problem. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Dorian, we'll have you back. All right. Excellent, thanks so much for coming on the show, man. Thank you, Dorian. No problem. Great episode.

Thanks, everybody, for listening. Dorian, we'll have you back. All right. Excellent. Maybe we'll have Violet back next time. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. Just let me know. Hey, we should have both of you.

At the same time. Whoa. Hey, Superman, you and Clark can't come to this event. All right. See you later. All right. Oh, my God. Dun, dun dun dun. Thank you.