The Digression Sessions - Ep. 56 - Tim Hoeckel

Episode Date: November 17, 2012

-- Butt Tubes -- Hola Digheads! This week, Mike and Josh are joined by comedian, Tim Höeckel!   Tim Höeckel (pronounced Heckle) was born with a name for, or possibly against comedy. Alicia Keys told him that New York City was a “concrete jungle where dreams are made of” so that is where he moved to, pursuing his passion of making people laugh. For Tim, comedy is not just an avenue for slapping together jokes. It is a way to create original material based on personal experiences and present it with a style and energy that you will not see from everyone else. In this episode, Tim shares his thoughts on pursuing his comedy dreams in the big apple. While, Tim is not living in New York anymore, it does not mean that he’s given up on comedy. He’s still performing, but he chose to focus on his family because “he didn’t want to end up the divorced comedian on the road.” We also discuss a number of topics during this episode including, but not limited to: coworkers not understanding comedy, Robotripping, the shitty aspect of comedy competitions and “bringer shows,” Big Johnson t-shirts, foreign commercials with US celebrities, and so much more!   PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts!   WANT TO LOOK FLY AS HELL IN A FREE DIGRESSION SESSIONS SHIRT? EMAIL JOSH – [e-mail] PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts!   WANT TO LOOK FLY AS HELL IN A FREE DIGRESSION SESSIONS SHIRT? EMAIL JOSH – [e-mail]   Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should we start distributing powerpoints with every pod?! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @THoeckel TimHoeckel.com

And now, for your consideration, for the most dramatic podcast, it's the digression sessions. Let's take a listen, shall we? Taco Bell, because they squeeze meat out of a tube, you know? Everything's in a tube, yeah. I know, and then when I'm done, I squeeze meat out of my tube. Oh, butt tubes. Diarrhea. Butt tubes.

Butt tubes. Butt tubes. Butt tubes. Butt tubes. Are there podcast awards? Because we just won all of them. We did it, you guys. And digression sessions for the butt tubes bit.

Wasn't that something? Absolutely breathtaking. Now let's move on with the show and get to that intro, shall we? Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. How the hell are you in podcast land? I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Coderna. Sitting to my right is usually my co-host, my confidant, my main mayonnaise, Mike Moran. On this week's show, we are joined by the very funny comedian Tim Heckle, who will be performing this Tuesday, November 20th at Shuckle Storm,

which is at the Auto Bar in Baltimore, Maryland. Show starts at 8 o'clock. There will be many guests, many fun things, stand-up sketches, interviews in a talk show format. We'll have Kevin Sherry, puppeteer, Chuck Green of the Baltimore Rock Opera Society, the aforementioned Tim Heckles, Stavros Halkias, and Tim German. So come on out to that. It will be fucking awesome.

And speaking of fucking awesome things, it's funny to cuss over this beat. And you know what else is fucking awesome this fucking Friday? It's going to be some fucking stand-up. We'll have a Baltimore Improv Group show this Friday at the Strand on Charles Street.

November 23rd at the Strand. Mike and I will both be performing with our troops. Come on out to that. It's going to be a super fun show. And speaking of super fun shows, this is a good one. Tim discusses everything from comedy in New York to Big Johnson's T-shirts to restaurants and food courts that only serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So this one gets a little silly to serious, but it's very fun.

And you can find Tim on the web, the World Wide Web, at timheckel.com. That's T-I-M-H-O-E-C-K-E-L.com. He's also on Twitter at T-H-O-E-C-K-E-L. And you can find me, Josh Cotton Candy Coderna on Twitter at Better Robot Josh. Mike Moran is at MikeMoran10. DigressionSessions.com. Tell a friend about the show if you like it. If you enjoy us, please rate and subscribe on iTunes.

We really appreciate it. Alright, let's get into the show. We love y'all. We love y'all. uh maybe a little bit i mean i don't need to hear myself as long as it gets recorded yeah my ears are pretty close to mine we're kind of your mouth proximity talking here i'm sorry but your son's ears are dangerously close to his mouth there's no time to operate shouldn't have smoked look how close those ears are man did you ever practice witchcraft

i know this may be difficult to talk about but you need to tell me are you a wiccan um yeah with this microphone you basically just have to get it really close gotta eat it it's high quality we get it from uh radio shack i don't know if you've heard of it it's uh yeah yeah yeah yeah they got a nice the name's ironic right yeah it just came out uh-huh yeah out. They're expanding. You can buy your own video cassette recorder there, I've heard. I've heard that too. You can get blank VHS tapes too.

You can tape things off the television. Or Charlie Brown's Christmas or something like that. Did you guys have a big cabinet full of taped tapes off of TV? No, we just had Charlie Brown's Christmas. That was it. But like 90 copies of it that are like full, right? Yeah, like a whole shelf

full of Charlie Brown's Christmas. Like every year we would re-tape it because the technology got better and better. Yeah, well they update it like Star Wars. Better dubbing, you know.

And now it's like in 3D. Like the editing was better. Like when the guy would play the piano, the first one, the music would play and then he would still, you could tell it was like, it was off. But then like would play the piano, the first one, the music would play, and then he would still... You could tell it was off.

Right. Yeah. Come 91, it was straight up like... It was really good. And Linus was actually made of liquid metal. Yeah, no doubt. He was like... What's up, pup?

I don't recall Linus saying that. And then Linus was like, what up, pup? Yeah, Snoopy. Yeah, that Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg made an appearance. Y'all peanuts. Y'all peanuts. This peanut.

Is he named after Snoopy? Yes, I believe so. That's like the, I'm sorry, that's just like the whitest thing to ever say. The actual Snoop Dogg? No, I haven't read up on this, so don't make fun of me. I'm just throwing this out there. But I'd imagine.

I believe so. Cite your sources, Josh. Right. Cite your goddamn sources. Snoop Dogg's autobiography. A walk in my shoesography A walk in my shoes A walk in my shoes A memoir I did read Flavor Flav's autobiography

Bow Wow Wow Really? What's it called? Josh question I don't remember Other guy question It's about his life Other guy

It's a Well right It's an autobiography yeah it's it's a it's it's basically your standard rock and roll pop-up book autobiography but set in the hip hop world was the excessive amounts of drugs and pre and then like public enemy and then post like i don't think there's a Flav's House or whatever. Like the VH1 show. He certainly covered all the bases. Speaking of which, we need to enlighten him on our segment.

Yeah, so we have Professor Griff's phone number from Public Enemy. Who's that? I don't think he was ever a rapper. Yeah, he rapped. Did he? was i don't think he was ever a rapper he was just like he rapped did he okay yeah but he was mainly um weirdly he was like the the head of their security and and like it's like they had like a weird security slash stage show thing with these guys called the sw ones sure what does that stand for? Sisters with one. Okay.

I can't remember. But I think Soldiers of the First World or something. I don't know. But anyway, he rapped and he played instruments. I think he played drums on some of the albums. How did you score his number? He blurts it out on YouTube videos about conspiracies. Yeah. Cool.

We're going to call him. So we want you to think of a question that you want to ask Professor Griff. It can be conspiracy related or not. And later on we will ask him. Maybe something's been bugging you lately. Anything. He will answer. How Snoop Dogg got his name.

Okay. He really will. All right. Nice. Most of the time he answers. Yeah. Okay. I would say.

He's a busy guy. I'll leave him a message if he doesn't. Well, we can text him. Although last week we did force Dorian Gray to call him on air. Yeah, I'll call him up. But, yeah, I'll leave a message with the phone number or where he can call us back. Yeah, hook up later, whatever. Sure, Professor Griff.

Email. Professor Griff at Gmail. we can go get drunk in federal hill or something like that yeah he'll come down yeah professor griff he calls it fed hill but yeah totally um there's a bar called cowboys and rednecks yeah doesn't he own that big difference i think professor griff owns that place what distinction are they making between the cowboys and the rednecks like was there was there a rift between the Cowboys and the Rednecks? I don't know. Was there a rift between the Cowboys and the Rednecks in the Old West? I guess they were probably going to call it the Cowboys and Indians, and someone was like, dude, you've got to be PC.

How about Cowboys and Redskins? You've got to be PC. It's like Cowboys and Redskins. Nah. The neck has skin. All right, Rednecks. There it is. Well, we should welcome to the podcast Tim Heckle.

I knew it. I knew it. Tim Heckle. Comedian Tim Heckle. Yeah. Thanks for coming by. You'll be doing Chuckle Storm again November 20th at the Auto Bar. Yeah, Tuesday night.

Tuesday, 8 o'clock. 8, Auto Bar. The place is awesome. Yep. It's a fun show. I'll be there. Cool. I'll be doing music and

co-hosting i think filling in yeah i'd have a good time and um it's a you know you do a fun show okay it's not like a comedy club where it's all 12 minimum yeah and it's all sketchy and it's some over the hill comedian no offense to like people at comedy clubs or whatever but it's those that's not really my thing yeah i should say that we are sponsored by the improv yeah it's irvine improv so the one yeah sorry just the one that used i think there was a baltimore improv down. Oh, really? It was in Power Plant Live. Yeah, we don't like to talk about that on the podcast. And now it's, I think that's where the Baltimore Comedy Factory is now. That makes sense.

Where they churn out laughs at the factory. American made. I've looked up some of your videos. Oh, yeah? Brilliant stuff. Awesome. Yeah, you're a very funny man. That's cool You're a very funny man Thanks for doing the podcast Really great, original

Very interesting to watch All around original, fun Very smart stuff That's good to hear because When you watch a video Of yourself, it's like a painstaking process And when you want to put one on like the web right it's never good enough you know and you're like no way i was i messed

that up or right you know i don't i i wanted to do this this video i'll get famous if i put that on tell everyone before they watch it like no i should have done this i just want to let you know that like that's not my the best representation of what I can really do. But, you know, I had a camera. I was really tired. Right. I'm always really tired. Sorry, guys.

I was really tired. I just came from work and, like, you know, kind of this thing. You know, I've been having some relationship problems. Yeah. Right. problems yeah right and like the amount of views that you can see like on youtube like a good 80 is probably me yeah i've noticed that too like is it really fair that like i'm getting all these hits when i'm checking it repeatedly i'm like i'm like do watching it from different like uh networks so i'm like well no they'll know that I'm watching my own video.

It is difficult to not bask in the glory of a successful show that's been captured on video and put on the internet. Am I right? I don't want to tell anyone that. Of course not. I'll just sit in my room and be like, I'm cool with that.

I don't really care what people think. I just do it for myself yeah I'm not in it to make money or you know do it for the love why are you really into Tim though I I anymore I thought I don't know because I never like as a kid had a dream of like doing comedy I guess and then you know I'd like to goof around when I was playing sports and all that stuff. You know, I would always be like the guy with the microphone in the locker room. Yeah, the guy who would always be like, what's the deal with mouthpieces? And but no.

And then after college, I was I guess I was like 25 when I first tried stand-up. That was fun. I didn't suck really bad. I mean, I did. I did. Don't get me wrong. But I could tell that people actually were laughing. And that was like an awesome feeling.

And then I just kept doing it and uh then because i thought that's at like 25 you're like you just think that you're supposed to have a make a career out of it like you're like oh i guess i'm supposed to be a comedian now and so you try to do shows and like make money but you're not ready to do that yet right and then now i'm 30 and like i moved to new york i thought i was going to be a comedian and it just didn't happen because i got married and uh oh yeah your wife ruined it other stuff happened that that some people claim there's a woman to blame no but i we lived in new york it was so expensive and um yeah new york's crazy but you know it was fun but i like baltimore and uh-huh you can always travel up to New York.

Yeah, I just want to travel with me. Yeah, Bull Boss is awesome. And I'll definitely do it if you want to. And let's go right now. So I do like to do comedy now just because, man, it sounds so corny, but I like to do it. You know, I've kind of like given up on being a career comedian. Really? Really? Not giving up, but it was just nothing.

It was something that I really, really wanted to do. I have a passion of performing, but just like everybody else that loves to perform, the other aspects of it are really hard. I hate Twitter. I can't do it like i can't do it yeah um i don't know why i'm just like bad every time you hit a button you poke yourself in the eye accidentally some people yeah like no i mean i can type but i can't like get it to where other

people see it i don't know there's like a special skill some people can their computers are like magic and they can just like and like i'm just not good at typing little jokes and then i feel like your product from what i see i've seen is like good enough that somebody else should just take it and be like hey i can sell this for you well thanks that's awesome i appreciate that i don't know it's just it's really hard it's like if i if i was like maybe if i started doing comedy when i was 18 right or like 16 and i was like this is what i wanted to do bro like i would never stop and i'd be like i'm gonna rise and grind every day dreams don't come without a price and then but like that was never like i guess i never thought about it like that so So now I'm cool. It's great to be in Baltimore and do comedy

and not have the pressure of, I want to make a shitload of money doing it. It's awesome if you can. And I think that would affect your stand-up too if you're not really enjoying it as much as you could be. If you're just like, I got to do this to get famous or to make it. Do you think that would make your stand-up material suffer not i don't think the material

would suffer i think that the before and afterwards would suffer a lot so like your personal yeah right because you would be so stressed about like right when am i gonna get my break but like you'd be so stressed you start talking like a country bumpkin. Yeah, you'd start talking Southern all the time. I do not want that. Yeah, so, like. Dave Letterman won't give me time of day. Right. And, I mean, there's a lot.

I think there's probably a lot of people that are real worried about that. Yeah. I feel somewhat sorry for them. But other jobs suck, too. Other jobs suck balls, man. Don't get me wrong. Yes. I just got a job at Under Armour.

Like, it sucks. It doesn't suck. No, it doesn't suck. But it's so weird. It's really weird. What do you do? It's like a customer service job. It's not even like a good job.

Yeah. But it's like a low-level job. Right. But it's such a, you know, the corporate, like, campus. And that whole business is, like, it's really weird. I'm a little bit older than everybody else that I'm working with. They're all fresh out of college. I don't know how

to hang out with them. It slipped out. I let it slip that I was a comedian. Now, they're all like Hey man Put that in your skit Yes

I was just going through that You can write a comedy bit about that Yeah so you get that a lot You've got a lot of material Yes I just went through that today Because I work in a cubicle In an office setting

Same thing happened I'm sure people you work with too Are like we're pretty nutty You ever use this we give you a lot of material and they do in an indirect way yeah not the way that they think yeah like i'm not gonna be like you guys gotta fucking meet frank let me tell you the other day he had an app on his phone that makes a whip noise. Can you believe it? What does he think of this stuff? He went to an Orioles game with two huge orange fists. Can you believe it? He was that guy with a cape on.

I made a PowerPoint presentation with the picture. Would you guys take a look? That's Frank right there. He's so funny. They got me really good the other day at work. They hit the bell

for me to run food. I go there, no food to be run. Prank. I was punk food. I go there. No food to be run. Prank. I was punked. I was waiting for Rax and Kooster to come out. Classic. That's your closer. You've been great, everybody.

Thank you very much. I'm Mike Moran. I have that all the time. I'm mostly doing improv. Most people don't understand what improv is. Improv is a totally different beast. People are like, improv is stand-up. Yeah, they go, you ever do this in your sketch?

I bet we give you a lot of it, too, for your sketches. I'm like, well, no. You're like, damn, I wish I would have just never said anything. Yeah. So, I think that, I think everyone feels that, like um you don't want to it's like a what is it like a dark side of life or something like i don't want to tell anyone to like that i come if i but if i don't tell anyone that i'm a comedian then they're not going to come to my show so like some people just are awesome and they can be like hey guys i'm i love comedy i'm

a comedian you should come out to this show and i'm i love comedy i'm a comedian you should come out to this show and i'm like i'm the life of the party all the time what's up and obviously some a lot of people that are that can do that are not the best probably i don't know comedians i don't know how to say that but right they're more gifted in the kind of like putting themselves out there and then a lot of people that are like very creative aren't good at the promotion side and then some people can do both of it and they're the ones that like if you stick with it long enough absolutely then really they they can make it and and maybe it's luck who knows but so you're not of the mind that if you just focus on the craft and keep refining it that someone will eventually say you no no way like that. Like, that's, that would be great, but I think that's naive.

And it depends what, I guess it depends on what you're trying to get out of it. If you want to be, like, if you want to be Louis C.K. So it depends, because there's people that I think are, like, famous, but nobody knows who they are. Sure, but they're making a living doing it. They're making a living. It's a normal, it's middle class, you know? Awesome.

Yeah, that's like what I want to get through. Yeah. And that's really cool. I think that's what I meant by like, I'm married and I don't want to travel around and do that type of stuff. Right. It's not her fault. It's that just realistically, I don't want to be the divorced comedian think of things realistically

when you're dealing with like cause every movie you watch you know it's like Rudy or something like you just stick to it and give it 100% but all he did was make a college football team but barely after college you played one play.

Yeah, you didn't even make the team. Like, you're warming the bench, fella. Yeah. So that's a realistic dream then. Right. If my dream was to be like, you know what? One day, I'm going to MC at McGoovy's. Like, all right.

I thought we were going to keep it realistic. Well, if the MC is sick that night and they're in a pinch then they call you right exactly yeah exactly so but if it's like i want to have my own show that makes a successful run on tv well uh yeah it's like you know that's totally out of this world i think that actually oh that's a good name for the show totally out of this world yeah totally out of this world i think that a guy like I think who's the most Like Louis C.K. is probably the most famous comedian right now I'd say so But he

You know He's become famous in the past few years And Yeah it took over He's been a comedian for I don't know how long Over 20 years at least Over 20 years

Yeah I saw a picture of him and What's his name? Mark Maron in like 1989 or something Yeah and the first time Louis C.K. did stand up, it went so poorly that I don't think he performed for two years afterwards. That stuff I find inspiring.

Brilliant comedians bombed at one point. Yeah, you have to though, right? I wouldn't know. Anyone who's like hey guys this is my first time and then they go out and crush it it's because it's not really their first time like they just keep saying that over and over again for five years until finally like no

everyone's like dude we know we know that it's not your first time you have salt and pepper hair hey guys i'm just gonna give it a shot no i don't know. I feel like a lot of... I feel like, you know, people might fall back on this is my first time for a long time. People do lie about weird things. Yeah, there was a comedian I saw the other day. Apparently, he was telling people that he beat cancer and he never had cancer. And that's how he would start his sets. Lance Armstrong? Yeah, it was him.

Was it Lance? It was Lance. He crushed the other guy, by the way. Well, he can't cycle anymore, so he's trying to do comedy. Yeah, and then you're like, hey, remember when you got your seven title stripped? Put that in your skit. We're pretty nutty, huh, Lance?

Those are the people Nike said. So, Tim, your comedy, it seems a little, I don't want to say alternative, but a little weirder. Has there ever been the temptation of selling out a little i don't want to say alternative but like a little weirder okay like has there ever been like the the the temptation of kind of selling out a little bit more no i well i don't know what no because i never like um i think that comes into the play of i never had like the dream of right playing like headlining clubs across the country i've done auditions at clubs and i never make it and so like and they clubs across the country i've done auditions at clubs

and i never make it and so like and they always say the same thing which is like um we think you're pretty funny um just uh like you know get more concise punch lines or like you know okay and so and i think that is like god damn man but so you think it's important to to stick to what you really want to do? Sure. I guess. I mean, I would say. Otherwise, why do it?

Right. And again, it's like, that might be a good thing. If you really want to be and to get work at whatever comedy club's whether with you know a booking agency that runs clubs or something yeah and they want a certain type of comedy then yeah you should change if they have a suggestion then but for you personally for me it's not like a higher ground thing but it's just like that's not it wouldn't work i would it wouldn't be funny and then that would suck let's say it's just You're just not that type of comedian. There's some people that can do one-liners and there's others that are more conversational.

I think it's going to take a long time to – if you're either or to change your style and be like, yeah, so if you could just do that and then come back. Like, no, this took like years to get where I'm at now. Yeah, I think if I was younger when I started doing comedy, I think... You weren't younger when you started doing comedy? Well, I mean, I was like 25. But you were younger than you are now. I'm younger than I am now, yeah. But if I was 18 or 20 or 21 or 22 even, I think that it would be easier to...

What about 19? No, man. That would have been terrible. No way, dude. It's like when you play Oregon Trail and you leave in the winter. You're just dead. 19 is a bogus number, man. You get dysentery immediately. The age 19 is like the 13th floor of a hotel.

It doesn't exist. You just got to skip it. But no, I think that it's... I don't know. I just did what I do what I have done. And then some people think it's funny and some people don't. I was in Baltimore when I started out, and they used to have this thing at Magoobie's Comedy Club. It was like a new talent showcase.

Yeah, which is a club in Timonium for people that live in a suburb of Baltimore. Yeah, people out there, they have a really good time. I'm not bashing it but like i remember it was on harford road it was in parkville uh-huh yeah and you would go down in the basement and it was like your typical comedy club and they were like ushering people in and they want you to bring five people and then you know if you don't bring those five people then you only get a certain amount of time yeah and then it's just based on audience applause yep and then so if you don't bring people, then they're not going to clap for you. And then if they don't clap for you, you don't get in the top three.

And if you don't get in the top three, you don't have a chance to win. And if you don't win, you don't get to do a weekend spot. And then if you don't do a weekend spot, then you'll never suck the guy at Magoobie's balls. You know what I mean? And none of that has to do with how funny you are. Right. And so I did that a few times and um it just i didn't like it i just didn't like it's got a wear on you yeah just kind of like eat up your soul and it wasn't like um i'm above that artistically i was just like oh this doesn't feel right right yeah yeah i agree yeah totally i don't like this place i would never

hang out here i would never i would never spend my money here yeah and so i i would feel bad for people that do and so like but going back to chuckle storm a place like auto bar yeah i don't want to be like i'm all hipster and cool but i would hang out yeah i feel more at home you know and so like it's all personal preference so um do you find your options for performance limited at all based on your tendency to stay away from the mainstream? No way. No. There's so many places. It's all about just doing it. I think that goes back to what you want to...

If you want to get paid, then yeah, your options are limited. But they have a mic-ish show, open open mic at a place called Sidebar every Monday. I love that place. You get out of the basement, you see the same guys, and then you just goof around and have fun. And that's awesome. Yeah, it's a good room. Good old Mike Fonazzo. Ron's getting it up, though.

He's a nice guy. And it's just good to get up. And, like, some people play kickball. And, like, that's what they do to release energy. Some people run on a treadmill. I like to do comedy. You know what I mean? That's my workout.

When did it get to that point for you where were you nervous for a long time doing stand-up? Your first time? Yeah, definitely. I think I was nervous to the point where you won't open your eyes and you don't want to look at the audience yeah writing like material but it was that kind of I think when everyone there's like a certain there's like a few different comedians that everyone like imitates when they first start out there's like Mitch Hedbergberg um david tell me and that was like so that was me so i was like doing that type of stuff you know like man man man like shut your eyes and because i thought that guy was really funny right you know and then

yeah some people maybe will do like fatty arbuckle um definitely fatty arbuckle um like jeff dunham dunham like a lot of the puppeteers, you know. Yeah, absolutely. But I think and then maybe you have just people that are you listen to and you. So I was doing a lot of like Mitch Hedberg type stuff, which is like if you don't know who Mitch Hedberg is, like just kind of like, what the hell? Like, oh, man. And so it's like witty observations like one-liners and stuff right so funny man but he was awesome so that was a good person to imitate but eventually i stopped

getting nervous and i found and i became funnier because of that and i wish i wish so bad that i didn't tell anyone that i was a comedian until two years after I started doing comedy. Because when you first start and you come out of the closet to your parents, you're like, I'm the comedian. And they're like, they tell everybody. And everyone wants to come to your show. And then they come and you suck. And they're like, oh, dude're are you still trying to do that

are you still yeah like and then so i wish that like you just keep it a secret for like two years and yeah that's that's the way to do it and then you tell people and then because i think a lot of people too they don't understand that that when a stand-up is performing that's like years of honed material like you know like they're not really peeking behind the curtain seeing that like this person has workshopped those jokes just like man eddie murphy is so funny it's like yeah he's a natural well nah i mean he's practiced no it's not like he just linked all these stories together by accident and had punch lines like right there so it's weird how there's kind of like an element of acting like you kind of have to be a good actor because the jokes have been rehearsed yeah exactly oh man the other day and

it was you know four years ago or something right yeah that sucks like i've that sucks when you have like a joke or a bit whatever and it's like three years old yep and you know it's funny and like you're like i like it uh-huh but it's three years old man and you you're like i should i should not do this anymore but whatever yeah um so you have to act like it's the first time you've done it the vast majority of people hopefully haven't seen you do it before no and if they have that's their fault for coming again again You should have known better You knew what you were getting into That'd be like going to a Rolling Stones concert

And be like if you freaking play Ruby Tuesday Anybody seen my baby From 1999 Yeah Wearing makeup and stuff Your love is strong Your love is strong So sweet you remember that? Your love is strong.

So sweet. That was like the worst song ever. That seems like something they did in one take. Notice how one of the guys looks like a genuine old man. All the other ones still look like rockers. Just like grizzled old drunken rockers. And then there's one guy who really looks like your

philosophy professor or something. Oh, the drummer. He's hanging on. I can't keep up anymore man i'm actually old dude uh yeah but also i mean with with stand-up too that is it's uh it's a journey you know what i mean like yeah just like anything else right and you know you don't know where you're gonna be i think people expect because you start later in life, people expect it to be like you to be better. My sister is an artist and she's 32. She's 33. She just turned 33 like on yesterday.

And Scorpio's what? Yeah. But she's a very awesome artist. But she's been an artist since she was like seven years old. And now she's just now making a living off of it to where she doesn't have to work at whatever that holy frill hole is. You know what I mean? She's having the same conversation at 11. She's like, I've been doing this for like four years and it's just not happening. I wish I hadn't told anybody for the first two years.

I wish I hadn't told anyone until sixth grade. She went to like a proper art high school. She went to like't told anyone until sixth grade. She went to a proper art high school. She went to Carver Center for the Arts. She went to the Art Institute of Chicago. Had proper artist training. And you don't do that. Comedy. You don't have.

You could go to an improv workshop. You could go spend $3,000 to do the Upright Citizens Brigade stuff. And then just still be $3,000 to do the Upright Citizens Brigade stuff and then just still be $3,000 in debt when you get out of it. At the end of the class, it's like, thanks. Should I take advance? Nah, probably not. You know what I mean? That's got to be really sad.

But yeah, the thing with comedy is there's no like, Tim, you've been doing it for 10 years. You're now a middle management comedian. You know what I mean? There's no hierarchy. Right. I think that maybe that's what I would always, I just would see that I didn't want to do it, chase that anymore. Because maybe if there was a little more streamlined, like in sports, it's like, all right, well, if there's a way, it's like, oh, well, you're good.

And we know you're good because you beat all these other people. And then you're Michael Phelpsps you beat everybody all the time and then you went and you got a good enough time to go to the olympics and then you went to the olympics and then you beat everybody in the olympics and so you're the best in the world yeah but like in comedy is subjective so like there's right but it's also not like art where someone can just buy a piece of your art and you can make money. Yeah, it's not subjective. I don't know.

There's like a weird competition to it. But also, how can you be in competition if there's no way to judge who's the winner? And it's subjective. So, you know, like you can clearly see who won the race. But as far as like who people think are funny, it differs from fucking every guy to the next guy. And that could be a philosophical i mean i could go off on like a philosophical rant for like hours about that okay good we need some content all right sweet sweet sweet here we go i'm also hungry too that was also just like uh it's just

tough because you see people that are really funny and then yeah but and then they you don't and they don't get the note um notoriety that other people maybe do. And then it's like, ah, man. Yeah. It's just a little disheartening. Yeah. Right. But in Baltimore, Baltimore Pride, it's awesome.

The people here are really cool. There's a great scene here. There's some maybe. I mean, obviously, there's people that maybe are just starting. So they're hungry. And they think that they should be a pro but and they shouldn't be and that's fine that's like that's a stage that you should go through i think which is i think i should be a pro but when you shouldn't be at least you want to be a pro yeah that's awesome you know what i mean

and i'll never shit talk anybody like that. Excuse my language. God damn it. But I think everyone here is really cool. We're going to swipe the computer now. That's all. I think Baltimore is really cool in general. Yeah. I think there's actually a good mix of people here for a small town that you can get to know everybody. Yeah. The arts community is definitely blowing up a bit from improv to stand up to music and theater.

Yeah. It's a good time to be in baltimore i don't so there's like the baltimore improv group right you remember a big yeah mike you both are so do you have um you don't have a home theater though right so yeah that's a problem yeah hopefully we're gonna get one this year 2013 it's step up, guys. It's time to step it up. I know. I'm just joking. I don't know.

But you get to do shows. You probably have different places where you do stuff. There's like four or five theaters that we rotate to. There's the Mob Town Theater in Hamden, The Strand, which is on Charles Street, Fell's Point Corner Theater. What else? Is there another one that I'm missing? Did we mention the Meadow Mills?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's Mob Town. Mob Town. Oh, there's a theater in Meadow Mills? Yeah, it's really cool, actually. Yeah. And I don't know, one-offs here and there. Oh, Creative Alliance now and again and stuff like that.

But yeah, that is a shitty thing, too, when you're like, I do improv. People are like, oh, I don't know what that is, but where do you perform? Like, well, all over the city. It would be nice to say, like, this theater on Charles Street. A lot of people show up for shows, though. Dude, improv is, people love improv, man. And when it's done, when it's funny, it's so freaking funny, man. Yeah, that's great.

Improv's awesome. It's like, whatever. It could be, I mean, it could be just like anything else. It could be bad, I guess. Yeah, right. Definitely. When it's bad, it's bad. Yeah.

Because it's like, you know, the tension is so high when it's like the two people or like three or four people or maybe there's like 10 people on stage and no one knows what to do. Yeah. Oh, geez. When it's, you know, you know it's like your line coming up and you've got just nothing and you just completely forget how to do improv. Sure what do you think like basketballs it's like you just feel the air just sucked out but it's not nearly as hard as i thought it would be when i first started because

you learn little tricks and things and you know you learn that you don't have to be funny you know you're just building a scene yeah exactly so as long as you're building something and kind of adding to it, it doesn't have to be a home run every time. But yeah, when you start, it's just like, how do I go out there and just be funny on the spot all the time? All the goddamn time. I've got to think of something funny to say really quick. You learn that there's things you can do. Yeah, it's moving along. We used to play.

I did improv in Charleston, South carolina which is where i went to college and lived for i lived there for about 11 years um and we would all play like freeze tag which is like everyone stands like on the wall and you and you have to say like freeze and jump and i would never do it i would just stand there because like i had nothing to say like freeze and jump. And I would never do it. I would just stand there. Because like I had nothing to say. And like if I said freeze. And then they would have to stop. And then you have to go and give input. And then they have to.

You tag that person out. And you take their physicality. And I could never do it. I would always be like freeze. And then be like oh. Right. Do you. Never mind.

Black people. I would like do something like some almost racist right yeah you try to go for the edgy if you can't think of anything holocaust didn't happen i smell another remix song josh do you find um when in in a situation with improv where you have a few seconds to think you know where you're like random like in freeze tag or something like that yes do you find yourself trying to find something funny or do you just go for it do you just go uh i think it depends i like if there's been a bunch of you know been kind of quiet for a minute i'll try to consciously think of trying to pick it up with a joke but i won't i won't ever do it i i hate to be that guy who's just like, it's all about me and I made the joke.

So I think it depends on the situation. If somebody else is clearly killing it, I'm not trying to outdo them or anything, but still add to the scene. But I definitely find with stuff like that, with the smaller scenes where you have your agenda already there, it's way easier for me than doing like long form where you're like all right your input is tomatoes and then like from there it could be anything so that's almost

not having limits is almost making it a little bit harder but it's fun i mean you can definitely still find it that way but if you're just like all right we're gonna play four corners you guys are brothers and you're at the walmart like for some reason that's just way easier because it's like all right i already know what I'm doing and it doesn't and it'll end yeah exactly yeah so it's just like a few minutes you just gotta hang with this for like two minutes yeah and then in the Herald too

hold on loosely do a guitar solo but yeah if you're doing a Herald you know it's almost a half hour long and the character you're playing is gonna come back yeah I don't know if I could handle that. I don't think I've ever done that on stage. The Herald? I love it.

I've never done a Herald in front of an audience. Herald's cool. I've never done it, but it would be cool to have the character you know you're supposed to be, I think. Yeah, not when you're me. Right. I don't know. I can't think of a... That's what's cool about improv, though. You don't have to do a herald, I guess.

And I think the long form is best if you have four people and you practice a lot together. Oh, definitely. You get that group line going. And then you all know this guy's the closer. Or she's the starter-upper. You know kind of everybody's strengths. It's like playing in a band, basically. Yeah, definitely.

I know if we're going to jam, I know what you're going to do are kind of your strengths yeah you know who's like the the lead singer and like lead guitarist like all right kind of the ball hog you know what i mean well it's okay let him do his thing and then there's like the bassist that just hangs back and like just does the tempo and then there's a drummer who does crazy shit every once in a while and so like that's good when you can see like a cohesive long form it's really awesome definitely uh when it a cohesive long form. It's really awesome. Definitely. Yeah. When it comes together, it's amazing. And I think improvisers, they get more carte blanche from the audience because if you're because you know that they're walking that wire and they could just fail at any minute. So like it's more about seeing how clever you are than hilarious.

Right. Or just tying everything together for sure. And how skilled you are and how, you know, they can tell the hours that you've put in to some degree and i think i definitely think um kind of what you were saying about characters like definitely whatever you do as long as you're confident kind of like if you don't have oh yeah if you don't have the home run i've noticed i mean it's with stand-up too that's with everything in life it is it is do it just do it one of the first things i learned about improv on stage though is like hey wait a minute if we're having fun up here it's impossible to bomb yeah and and that translates to the crowd too they can see that i've never had a show where we're having a good time and the crowd didn't

join in the fun to some degree absolutely it's only like when you're anxious and or like angry at each other you know yeah yeah if you have fun you know there's just no way to right I think then that helps when you know the people that you're with it's like I don't know there's you know obviously there's a lot every town's got like an improv theater and like you might think like in New York's these people in New York are the best yeah like you could go to like virginia beach i think they have like an improv theater there i mean they're freaking hilarious yeah people from uh philly just came down a couple weeks ago baltimore savannah charleston like every little every town that's

got some type of art has improv and if you get people together yeah they'll be they'll be hilarious you wouldn't be like you wouldn't be able to tell like oh those are the new york kids you know it's just like yep everyone if if you're good you're good you don't be able to tell, like, oh, those are the New York kids. You know? It's just like everyone, if you're good, you're good. The grease and black hair gives them away. Yeah, yeah. So that's what's cool about improv. The slick back hair and mafia suits usually give them away. Oh, yes, sir.

Whatever. I feel like improv is like the yoga of, like, comedy. I don't know. It's, like, exploded, hasn't it, in the past? Oh, definitely. It used to be, to be kind of like a subset. I think Whose Line Is It Anyway had something

to do with that. Which is a good or bad, I don't know. It introduced a lot of people to it. If they show up to a theater and they're like, is this going to be like Whose Line Is It Anyway? And then it's not.

Guys, I'm not into this no i'm not in no way where's drew get wayne brady out here now where's that tall goofy guy i don't know his name ryan yes brian something yeah yeah um yeah i i love improv i think it's fucking awesome i uh i got into it because you you know, I love comedy. But then a lot of my comedy heroes, they mentioned doing improv for a little bit. Even if they didn't stick with it. Like, you know, Tina Fey and Paul Scheer and these people like Nick Kroll. You know, people that are super funny. Even Adam Carolla did improv.

Really? Yeah. And so it's like, oh, I should get into this if I want to get into comedy. So I definitely think now it's a lot easier to be multifaceted in comedy, especially with so many avenues for doing sketch or anything or putting videos online. If you're funny and you do stand-up, I'm sure you'd be funny in a sketch online or web series or something like that. If you can do improv, you can do stand-up.

I was like, I want to try comedy. And so I took an improv class. like that like if you can do improv you could do stand-up um i did well that's what i i like i was like i want to try comedy and so i took an improv class these different stages you go through your life you're a gangster when you're 16 like i could have done comedy yeah you're an old prospector getting into improv there's gold in them hills and improv hills and um and then i did but i ended up being the like you know i wanted to be funny all the time yeah and then so yeah maybe i'll do stand up maybe i'll be better in that scene improv's a team sport definitely and then you know uh stand up is definitely just you right run with the ball which you get all you know you get all the glory yeah

when it's gold that's true and then you got to all the glory When it's gold And then you gotta take the fall When it's not And that's the romantic part of it Improv audience are just generally nicer In general You'll get more old people there And they're like oh great

Creative I wanna take a class Sign me up Hank You'll get a lot of hecklers in improv No There was somebody We had a show at the Creative Alliance on Saturday There was 200 people

It was crazy Oh great I didn't make any money at all Non-profit organization Actually I came to the realization any money at all. Non-profit organization. Actually, I came to the realization that improv has cost me a shit ton of money from taking classes and then

after shows, you're like, hey, that's a good something to eat. Let's grab a drink. I don't get paid, so every show, it's costing me $20, $30 to go get a couple beers afterwards or whatever. It's better than going to a bar for five hours. That's like my going out you know i mean it's right it's definitely beneficial but it's just funny to think like right that it costs you money but yeah at the

show um i was we were doing a day in the life of a councilman a baltimore councilman and um in and uh because it was a political theme show and i was playing uh his wife his wife. And it was supposed to be this really intense woman. And then somebody, I think it was Bill, the guy that we were playing. I forget. Bill Henry. But he was in the audience, and we were doing a scene. And he yelled something out, and it was just kind of awkward. It wasn't really a heckle.

I think he does this every year. And then I came on stage. He's like, is that the neighbor? I'll kill him. I'll cut his head off or something like that. And the crowd's like, oh, I see kill him I'll cut his head off Got it Good play Win a roll with it

The councilman was in the audience And he yelled out Because he's a councilman And needs attention constantly Because he's a politician Yeah I think so I think that's what he yelled out I'm a councilman and I need attention all the time.

I'm on ballot attention. I don't know what a councilman does, but just what? I'm Karketty. So, Tim, do you think he'll get into improv in Baltimore at all? Maybe. I don't know. I have a friend, my buddy Thomas. You know Thomas? Yeah, I'm in a troupe with him. I don't know. I have a friend, my buddy Thomas. My buddy Thomas.

You know Thomas? Yeah, I'm in a troupe with him. I knew him from Charleston. He was in Charleston. Really weird. I knew him from a place called Theater 99, which is Charleston's improv theater. I saw it on Facebook. Yeah, it was like, you have mutual friends. Theater 99, are you out of your mind?

Sorry. That was their slogan. What is it? I would assume so. Theater 99, it's improv time It's like You ever go to Ocean City? You ever been to Ocean City?

Yeah There's like a place called Pizza Two Goes Pizza Two Goes Pizza Two Goes yeah I got pizza from there once To go? No we ate in

It was like They always had cool commercials By the way It's like 399 is two goes time Are you sponsored by Pizza Two Goes? Is that what you brought up? Jesus Christ You know I'd like to take a minute To talkugos time. Are you sponsored by Pizza Tugos? Is that what you brought me up to? Jesus Christ. You know I'd like to

take a minute to talk about Pizza Tugos. I'm sponsored by Pizza Tugos. If you're looking for fresh, warm, delicious taste.

Secrets Ocean City. And the whole boardwalk. And airbrushed t-shirts. Yeah. I'm sponsored by Big Johnson's t-shirts. I'm sponsored by Cat in a Hat hats.

I'm sponsored by Salvia. I'm sponsored by Are you working for Big Twisty Bottle? Yeah. I'm sponsored by Cat in a Hat Hats. I'm sponsored by Salvia. I'm sponsored by- Are you working for Big Twisty Bottle? Yeah, I'm sponsored by Boardwalk Fries. I'm sponsored by The Zipper, The Ride, The Zipper. I like that, when you say I'm sponsored by Big Johnson, I was picturing Big Pharma, but it's like, Big Johnson is ruining elections.

Big Johnson is- We need to get Big Johnson out of politics. The little obscene t-shirt guys. Big Johnson is ruining elections. Big Johnson. We need to get Big Johnson out of politics. The little obscene t-shirt guys. Ruining this country. Big Johnson comedy. There's no. The lobbyists of Big Johnson's are ruthless.

People used to take pride in their penis t-shirts. What would Big Johnson's improv t-shirt be? It would be like Big Johnson improv. Like Baltimore Improv Group Johnson? Yeah. There's no scene. Big J. I don't know. We should name an improv troupe Johnson.

So it would be like Big Johnson. Big Johnson. Yeah. Big Johnson. You should throw that out in the next board meeting. They have those, I think. Probably. If it's a non-profit.

Yeah. They have to have a board. They do. Who knows if they meet. I don't know. The I think. Probably. If it's a non-profit. Yeah. They have to have a board. They do. Who knows if they meet. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Theoretically.

Right. I don't know. What's the group you're in with Thomas? Are you Jim Window? Is that it? No. Training for prom? He has training for prom and bully union.

I'm in bully union. Okay. And that's a Herald Troop. And that's a lot of fun. We're actually performing tomorrow. Oh, sweet. I don't think I've seen you guys perform. I'm off tomorrow night. off tomorrow night i'm super oh are you coming out to the the mini fringe where are we at uh the autograph theater there's gonna be burlesque magic where is that um i it's where

the baltimore rock opera performs baltimore rock north avenue's on North Avenue. It looks like a big theater, but it's got like, um, it's because it's got like an old school movie. Yeah, that's on 25th, isn't it? I don't know. Like by the grocery? Oh, I thought that was the Apex or something. By the Rite Aid? I don't know if that's it. No, no, no. Nah, nah.

It's on North Avenue. Okay. Dude, it's on North Avenue. It's on North Avenue. Please put the gun away's on North Avenue. It's on North Avenue. Please put the gun away, Tim. So there's a fringe festival? Mini fringe is what they're calling it. The mini fridge?

Yeah, the mini fridge. You could put six packs of soda in here. It's sponsored by Whirlpool. Mini and Frigidaire. I think I was probably in my 20s when I realized that it wasn't Whirlpool. Whirlpool. Wow. That's pretty late in the game. I think I was probably in my 20s when I realized that it wasn't Whirlpool. Whirlpool. Wow.

That's pretty late in the game. I'm pretty sure I thought it was. I knew that shit. I was like, eight crayons. I was like, six years old. Shit, son. Because I had like eight of them. I'm pretty sure I thought crayons were crowns until like probably age 19 or so. I never got that.

How did you get crowned out of crayon? I don't know. This is what I heard. This is what I heard. Crown. This is what you heard. Right. I hear what I never got that. How did you get crowned? I don't know. This is what I heard. Crown. This is what you heard. Right. There's like crown. I love a burrito. Crown. Yeah. People said crown. It's like Mario versus Mario.

What team are you on? Let's all say it on three. Mario. One, two, Mario. Sonic the Hedgehog. Luigi. Wario. Toad. There's. Sonic the Hedgehog. Luigi. Wario. Toad. It was always Wario or Wario.

Yeah, let me get that. Yeah, let's go play some Mario. Like, if you were like, let's go down there and play some Mario. Yeah, if you said Mario, I was like, sorry, dude, I can't hang out with you. My mom is like, won't let me hang out with you. You're obviously poor. You're from the wrong side of the tracks. I can't do this.

Your life isn't going to amount to anything. I'm afraid you're going to drag me down. Go home. I don't even have a zapper. You're just going to have little Debbie Swiss rolls and stuff all over the place. Your shirts probably aren't airbrushed. Goodbye. If they are airbrushed, they're not proper.

Yeah. So are you from Maryland? Yeah, I was born and raised in Baltimore. Towson. Okay. Go Tigers. Yeah. So are you from Maryland? Yeah, I was born and raised in Baltimore. Mm hmm. Towson. OK. Go Tigers. Yeah. Like right near Towson University. I grew up there.

So my mom grew up in my mom's house. Then my dad lived in Rogers Forge, which is like in Towson. Oh, right. And then. So how familiar are you with the town of Towson? Pretty damn familiar. Yeah. Towson Mall.

It's changed a lot. Great mall or the greatest mall? It was the greatest mall. I haven't been there in a while. When it first opened, when Towson Town Center first opened, I would walk there and just walk around. I did that.

I'd go to Wave Dancer. There was a store called Wave Dancer, board rider shop or whatever. They didn't sell any boards there. No way. But they sold a bunch of airwalks and T-Bows and stuff. Remember there was like 14 CD stores? Yeah, like Sam Goody. Sam Goody, yeah.

And then Record and Tape Traders was across the street. There was Record and Tape Traders across the street. That's where I get my incense. There was that big white building. There was like a Tower Records or something. Remember that big white multi-level building? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I never went there. And then there was three CD shops Records or something. Remember that big, white, multi-leveled building? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I never went there.

And then there was three CD shops in the mall. Right. And then there was this place called Soup Masters. And you could get like... That's where you bought boards. That's where they had skateboards. You could get like a bowl made out of bread. And I would go there and eat the whole thing, man.

You ever seen that before someone do it do it do that yeah so do you remember when the mall actually opened for the first time because yeah it wasn't it like a smaller mall yeah it was like a smaller um small mall cheap you know just like a regular mall and then they made it like the grand towson town so so what was there originally what what was the original Towson Townsend? Indian Burial Ground? What levels are we talking here? It was like, I don't know. I don't think I've ever been to any other mall, man.

It was like a one-story shopping center. I think they had a Hex company. Hex? Remember Hex? Yeah, I remember Hex. It was kind of like, there's a shopping center near where I went to high school, Calvert Hall, which is like on Goucher Boulevard. And they have like a Marshall's there. And there used to be a Toys R Us.

I don't know. I remember that. I think that's I think those are still there. I think maybe the Toys R Us just closed down a few years ago. I was a Delaney man myself. Delaney. Oh, you went to Delaney High School? Yeah.

You live in Timonium or whatever cocky so yeah khakisville nobody rocks the cocks and when I was in elementary school these bunch of kids played like lacrosse for cocky's ville and I wanted to do play lacrosse for college real so bad cuz they all had shirts that said nobody rocks the cocks but really it's too far from home you're like I could just buy that shirt but no I need to move move to Cockeysville and play lacrosse. That's a very different meaning if you don't play lacrosse for Cockeysville.

When you're in fourth grade, I feel like that's a pretty badass shirt to have. Oh, yeah. The kid that got away with having the sexual shirt or the beer shirt. You knew that there was something. But then it just turns out his parents don't care. In the long run, they're not doing all right.

Yeah, my parents were good. I had a bone skateboarding t-shirt that looked like it said boner. Sweet. I was really proud of that. I had a shirt that said F-U-C-T. Yep, fucked. Oh, yeah, I remember those. I remember seeing those.

It was like a skateboard. It was just like anything else. Was it Gene Simmons' face on one of them, weirdly? Sure, they probably had a bunch of them. Yeah, I had a hookup shirt that had a Japanime broad, and she was writing on a chalkboard that said, School sucks on it. And I was like, I'm going to wear that to school.

My parents wouldn't let me get the first day of school shirt. Yeah, exactly. My parents wouldn't let me get the Bart Simpson shirt that said underachiever and proud of it. Oh, yeah. I had those boxers. What was the other one I wasn't allowed to have? There was another one that they deemed offensive. I can't remember. Eat my shorts.

I had a Bart Mann shirt. That was appropriate. I had a cool Jets. Cool. Nice. How old are you? 31. Alright, I'm 30. We had a lot of this. jets. That was safe. Cool, cool. Nice. How old are you? How old are you? 31. All right. I'm 30, yeah. So we had a lot of this. How old are you? 26.

Just turned 26. A little youngin'. Yeah, boy. We should just say all of our ages right at the beginning of the podcast. Does it always come up? Yeah. Yeah, I did listen to a couple and it did come up. Don't you think it's weird in newspapers?

I should have known that. God damn it. We thought you were a dig head, Tim. Mary Higgins, 72, says that. Why is it so important to put people's pages in the paper when something's going on? It gets its own parenthetical break. I do like that, though, when somebody does something good and it says 50, and you're like, there's still a chance. And that is good.

But then when they're like, well, this gentleman started his own company. And it's like, Brad Jackson, 22. What are you doing, man? Yeah. I think we talked about this on a recent podcast. That's not what you 19-year-olds do. Yeah, but whenever you watch football I don't know if you're a football fan

And they show their Asian When I find out they're Asian First of all I'm pissed And then I see their age and I'm even more pissed You're Asian and you're 19? What? I know but when they're older and Asian Then I feel like maybe someday I'll be Asian

Yeah fingers crossed I'm working really hard I'm going to a lot of open mics open chinese restaurants i do a lot of open walks that's how you got to start out man you got to hit the open walks and then you can start emceeing at like great panda sure and then maybe like a buffet yeah yeah i think that smell dominated the food court. There's always like one restaurant that just dominates the street. There was one place. It was just called PB&J. And it was the saddest place in the world.

Because it was like they made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Like someone. Seven-year-olds are running it. No, no one was ever there. You get all the soda you want. We're giving away free stickers. Like apply for a business license and like spend a lot of money to open that place. Yeah, sadly that happened.

That is true. He ate all his own peanut butter and jelly. I mean, he's the monkey launched in the space. He took the risk. Now everybody else knows not what to do. And his wife just hates him because he's not making enough money. So he's bringing home PB. He sacrificed himself like the tightrope walker and thus spoke Zarathustraston right and he's bringing home the pb and j's and his kids are

getting tired of him he's like it's all i can do okay trying my best like dad you're a dork i'll cut it into fingers if you want you know i think it was that uh what was that what was that chinese place called in town center great panda I'm fairly sure I got horribly ill off of their sesame chicken once when I was 15, 16. There goes that sponsorship. I just puked in the bathroom all night long while Chris Carman was spending the night and

my current roommate. That actually turned me off from sesame chicken for a decade. Sesame Street, I thought you were going to say. Anything with sesame, man. I can't do it do it sesame street that's another thing um i used to call general so's chicken general chow's chicken for like the longest time just like crown that's my general chow that's my crown we all have a crown we've all had a crown moment crown word what's yours j Josh? Maybe.

Really? How did you screw up maybe? Mabay. I was calling it Mabay. Mabay, I was pronouncing it wrong. I don't know. Mabay. I would have to say, what did I say on the podcast? I said Porta Potty or Porter Potty. Yeah.

I said Porter. Could you bring the Porta Potty? He thought it was a British version of like until like last week when we corrected him. Yay. I've heard you say nuclear a few times, Michael Moran. Whatever. I don't hear you tonight. I'm talking about vision. Nuclear

vision. Nuclear vision. You have nuclear vision. Yeah. Nuclear radiation. That's what they use to make eyeballs. No, it's lens technology. So contact lenses? Nuclear contacts. All kinds of lenses.

Mm-hmm. Let's move on. Dude, who'd you guys vote for? Oh, Mitt Romney. Let's do it. Oh, yeah, you too? Heck yeah. Of course.

Ralph Nader. I'm bummed for that guy, man. You bombed for him? I'm bummed for him. Oh, yeah, I know. The poor millionaire. What's he bombed for him? I'm bummed for him. Oh, yeah, I know. The poor millionaire. What's he going to do now? I know.

He's probably going to go back to one of his many, many homes and watch his money, the interest on his money. Proactive will pick him up. Really? He'll be like a spokesperson for proactive. Really? I don't know. Hi, I'm Mitt Romney.

Him and Jessica Simpson or whatever. Or like, oh, no, like Just for Men, Touch of Grey. Oh, that's good. Are you guys ever amazed by the caliber of star that they get for the CoverGirl commercials? No. They get Ellen DeGeneres and Tina Fey and stuff. How did they get Queen Latifah? Queen Latifah.

I mean, these are A-list stars, and they get them to do these cheap, lame cover. Not that they're cheap, but just like, I don't know. What's your favorite? Money. What would be an acceptable makeup line for them, do you think? Maybelline? I would say that the level of success that those women are at excludes them from doing makeup commercials. Bath and Body Works?

No. I don't know. I don't think I smell good you can't as far as I know you can I get hired in covergirl in the makeup hierarchy right they must have a lot of money to throw around I'd say they've been around forever and then you know there's that prestige of a covergirls me the level of celebrity they're able to pull in right same with proactive facial treatment like generally when you're a star

and you're resorting to doing commercials like that, you've probably fallen a little bit. No, I bet they give you millions of dollars to work for, what, like an hour? You're just like, maybe. I mean, any celebrity can make millions of dollars for doing a commercial, but usually they don't

because they want to maintain their status as super A-list, respectable. Although there is this trend of celebrities doing commercials in other countries. Yeah, that's been going on for a while. Like Lost in Translation or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's weird ones with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Japan

for energy drinks, and I think Ben Stiller has done some too. Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio. Right, right, right. It's like people you would never see in commercial. In. Well, in America, they don't have hard liquor billboards, really, I don't think. Maybe they do.

Do they? I feel like I've seen like makers of hard liquor. Yeah, I see Southern Comfort stuff all the time, but I don't know if that qualifies.

That's right. Sure it does. Yeah, I don't know. Are you telling me Southern Comfort isn't the hard stuff? Don't tell me Southern Comfort

isn't the hard stuff. What is hard for Josh, thirsty and miserable Coderna. Everclear. Moonshine. Yeah, man. I just drink Fireball, man.

That's all I drink, man. Fireball. After Fireball. 93 octane. Hell yeah, man. Give me a cotton candy vodka and a Fireball and a birthday cake vodka. Bubble gum flavored rum. I feel like those drinks would do nothing but ruin my taste for the items that they're flavoring from. Really?

Like if you had some pear vodka, you'd be like, ugh, never going to have a pear again. I could imagine myself waking up hungover with the taste of pear. Imagine, yeah. How can you blame the pear? I'm so hungover from these pair I'm just saying I would associate my horrible hangover and nausea and probably public humiliation with Paris the taste of hair yeah oh no definitely it's like if you drink like a bunch of like when I was like in college I was

trying to be like high class and I would drink like Captain Morgan and ginger ale right and then like if I like if you any whiff of ginger ale, you'd be like, oh, man. I'm such an adult, man. To this day, Robitussin makes me nauseous. Tussin? Because all the times you chugged it? Yeah. Wow. That's awesome.

You did the robo-tripping? Oh, yeah. It made me violently ill every single time. I didn't put together the antidepressants that I loved. That's the whole point, right? No one's ever been like, yo, chugged a bottle of Robo, and it was awesome. Yes, they were. Yes, they were. Did you not go to high school in the late 90s?

I did, man, but I just felt like they would be lying. Just eat some shrooms. Smoke some weed. It's easy to get. Honestly, I think if we could have gotten our hands on more psychedelics, we would have. But we were dorks. I had friends who did it pretty much every weekend

and loved it. I definitely tripped my balls off when I did it. Really? But it wasn't quite... You know how acid in mushrooms... There's like a fun... I don't know. There's like an uplifting kind of like high that comes with it. Yeah.

You just laugh for like an hour. Right. Right. This is like you were tripping. You're tripping, but it didn't really give you that euphoria. It just makes you feel weird or something. Yeah. But a lot of people suck a whipped cream can and you're like, it was kind of like that.

Yeah. Right. I actually remember spending like 250 for a whipped cream can just to be high for like a second and a half. I never did Whippets. Never did them. I never did the real Whippets. I'm better than you guys. What do you think the people are doing?

Where do you think all the Hamdenites are buying their Whippets now that the Royal Farms is closed on Roland Avenue? Probably the other Royal Farms down the street. Oh, is there another one? There's another one. Yeah, there's one on Falls Road, too. That was like farms down the street. Oh, is there another one? There's another one. Yeah, there's one on Falls Road too. That was like the Mecca of Oh yeah,

that was the place to be. Just people like passing out, standing up and stuff. Yeah, man. Hey, man. Just trying to get home, man. Gotta get changed, man.

My sister was telling me I want to buy a World War II documentary that some lady was like pushing like a stroller in her pajamas or whatever and like yelled across the street. She was like pushing it like a stroller when her pajamas or whatever and like yelled across the street she was like hey yo she's like yeah what's the cutoff time

for getting an abortion again no wow it's like her like asking what time it is excuse me how many weeks i've got before i could get rid of this thing? And then, like, what else? You got a shop back, hun. Like, what did I? Getting that third Tremaster. Just, man. Oh, yeah. There was another lady, and she was, like, the kid was, like, crying. And, like, the kid was, like, why are you yelling at me?

And the mom was, like, because you ain't being haved. No. Being haved. Wow. Being haved. Wow, so that's her crayon. She felt that behave was two words. You're saying behave. Behave right now. As in to behave.

For one, to behave. I'm having. Or I guess it would be I'm in have right now. You have to behave. Don't just have. Beh now. Like you have to behave. Don't just have. Behave. All right.

We'll talk about it. Behaving. If you can envision yourself have. Always behaving. Always. It's like the new Glenn Ross. Come into the diner today. Had his child with him.

As Josh knows, my boss's name is Un on he asked if he could speak to onion several times and i had to get him to say it i had what uh can i speak to onion and i finally corrected him was he trying to was he trying to act like they're longtime friends and stuff because when i used to work they used to get that too like i know the owner like i i don't know if he's a lot of money in here okay so use better tips you know just give me the just give me my slushy for free okay i'll spend a lot of money in his rural farms yeah like it goes to the like employees working there yeah we fucking They really fucking care about it. My stock in Royal Farms is just shooting up.

I'll steal a lot of Tasty Cakes from Israel Farms, all right? Yeah. And then when I suggested he can talk to one of the managers, he's like, no, I'd prefer talking to Unfirst. The Onion, please. I would like to speak to The Onion. I think that's why Baltimore is awesome, though. Because there's that straight up strict subculture of... Trashy people.

And it's in Hamden. Oh, Hamden. And they're never going to leave Hamden. No. You know what I mean? Yeah, there has not been much. No matter how many yuppies and hipsters move in, there will be no reverse great migration. As much as the arts continue to grow here.

That is a really good point. I haven't thought about that. Oh, yeah. I mean, Hamden is just grizzled. There's like grizzled rednecks here as long as, you know, right alongside like, yeah, like, you know, cooler people that are, you know. They get mixed up sometimes. It's hard to tell. Sometimes you can't tell who's who.

But usually if it's like if they're wearing like SpongeBob pajama pants and like a starter jacket or something. Okay, cool. Hamden for life. But day wear. I see you. Day wear can get confusing. Yeah. I mean, sometimes.

But a lot of people wear that in the day. Like never get out of their pajamas and wife beater. No. And I've seen in Baltimore, like compared to New York or like, well, Charleston doesn't really count. But like in New York, you don't really see a lot of people sleeping, standing up. But like in Baltimore, you see a lot of guys and they're just like, they never drop their cigarette. They never fall. Yeah, what is that?

They never drop their slurpee. They never collapse on the ground. They never like their cigarette. They never fall. Yeah, what is that? They never drop their Slurpee. They never collapse on the ground. They never have to. They just go until they can't go anymore and then bend back. There's never a collapse or a dropping. That's when you know you have natural talent, though. It's kind of sad, too, but at the same time, it's like, hell yeah. Slow clap.

You did it. Where did you live in New York when you were, it's like, hell yeah. Slow clap. You did it. Where did you live in New York when you were living there? Brooklyn, of course. Where Brooklyn at? In a neighborhood called Fort Green. It's actually really nice. It's an awesome neighborhood. I've been to Brooklyn twice, and it kind of reminded me of Baltimore.

As far as New York goes, stuff's a little more spread out, kind of like baltimore wise everything's not as packed in and crazy and right in brooklyn it's kind of like baltimore but brooklyn's probably bigger yeah definitely bigger yeah on a bigger scale more stuff going on townhouses and like yeah different neighborhoods and stuff like that it must be so bizarre living in a city that's like what five or six times the size of baltimore yeah it is but still you don't i mean actually i i saw a lot of it because i would go do like uh crappy shows and like in harlem and like a youth hostel or then i would go do one in queens and then i would go do one down in like south brooklyn and then i would go yeah so you do like these shows all over the city right but a lot

of times if you were just there to go to college you probably would only go to certain parts you wouldn't see the whole city right yeah just hopping the train so massive to me like really kind of yeah i mean like there's always places that i've never seen before and like neighborhoods that i've never heard of yeah i grew up here i mean we've all lived here for a while but there's places i've never been right and i'm never probably gonna go and there must be a million of those in new york right yeah you can live in new york your whole life and probably go to, like, brand new worlds that you never heard of. Yeah, and obviously

that's why it's awesome. And that's why, like, you know, if anyone's ever, like, dude, I'm thinking about, like, moving to New York. And if they want to do it for an artistic reason, they should definitely go.

Why not? Just go for a year if you don't like it. Yeah. And come back. You know what I mean? Bill Burr said everybody should live in New York once.

Sure, man. For at least a year. Why not? Especially, yeah, if you're into Especially if you're into the arts or creative play. You might find that you just don't like it. Yeah. Maybe it's not for you because it's tough. But I think that a lot of people will say, I'm thinking about moving to New York,

but I just don't have enough money. Well, dude, you don't need that much money. Just go. You can get an apartment somewhere. Yeah, you don't have to have a car. You can get a roommate. You don't need a car. You can get an apartment somewhere. Yeah, you don't have to have a car. You can get a roommate. You don't need a car. You can sell your car.

Yep. Right. Or you could take it up there, but never use it. Yeah. And you can get a job. And you can make pretty good money there. Right. You make more money than you.

It's a higher cost of living, but you also make more. I actually saved money living in New York. My financial situation got better. Wow. I worked at a... I was a doorman at a residence's hotel, which was cool. That was kind of cool to be a New York doorman. Yeah.

But it made like $40,000 a year. Damn. It's not a lot. Yeah. But if you're not paying for gas... If you're a comedian... If there's enough for me to pay off credit cards... Yeah, I knew comedians that I thought had been on Conan O'Brien,

had been on Jimmy Fallon, and they were like, hey man, do you think you could hook me up with a job? Wow. You know how I could maybe get a job? Something I'm like, shut up. You're loaded, man. Get out of here, Jim Gaffigan.

I'm not going to get you a job. But they weren't because you don't get paid to be on those shows you know you still have to work your ass off and right so you don't get paid to be on those shows at all like really a couple hundred bucks maybe or something maybe i don't know the you don't it's not like a huge payday sure yeah and then it'll help you take the rest of the year off it's good for your credits and you can get work yeah at a club right right at a place that'll actually pay you yeah and it's but it's good for your credits and you yeah get work yeah at a club right right at a place that'll actually pay you yeah and it's but it's not gonna break you either so you know that's

another thing where it's like you got to keep things in perspective dude see how this all worked back to comedy this is great yeah we went off on a tangent guys now we're back digression sessions for a reason um and because we come back because it rhymes but yeah i think it all depends you know if you want to be a comedian and you want to live in new york well then you should just probably or i wanted to just be a comedian in new york because i figured that would be the cool thing to do you know that's like that was my dream actually that yeah i mean that's a that's a live in new york goal to have do comedy meet cool people

right um and i was actually lucky that i had a girlfriend that's awesome and i got married to her because a lot of people and that made me kind of rethink some things about okay i'm 30 what do i want to do i want to have a kid okay so you know you got to get cranking doing some other stuff yeah um some people maybe they're not that, maybe they'll look back and then they're 38 years old or something. And, and, uh,

they'll be pissed that like they didn't a, maybe they never moved to New York and they were trying to be a comedian in Charlotte, North Carolina, but then they still don't have anything to show for it. I don't know. So at least just go up there, give it a shot and then do it. Yeah. Um, so if any still don't have anything to show for it. I don't know. So at least just go up there. Give it a shot.

And then do it. Yeah. So if any of you think you want to move there, freaking do it. Yeah. I think I'm going to try to move there in a couple of years. There's no reason not to. I'm considering it. It's hard.

And it's like because it's just it's not much different than moving from Charles Village to like to to Federal Hill or something like that. You're still moving. You still got to pack up all your stuff in a truck, and then you drive it up there. You spend more money, but it's totally worth the money. So anyway, that's my opinion. It's worth getting in credit card debt to do that. Right.

Yeah, we're going to have a new segment on the show with Tim. Be like, that's just my opinion. So you're saying it's not like the hardest thing in the world. You kind of move, you get a job, and you do shows at night. And if you don't get a job, you can move back. Yeah, that's the thing too. You can always come back.

There's no... Save money, whatever the circumstances are. It's only three hours up the road. It's really not far at all if you were going to move to Ocean City you wouldn't be like man I'm really uprooting my whole life but it's the same it's almost the same distance

so it's just in a different state and it's easy to get around that's the really cool part it seems like there's a lot here there is a good group of comedians and artists and stuff but it just seems like there's an even huger group of cooler people like i feel like i could just travel around all night hang out with cool people that that's what you want to do you know what i mean it's like walk

the streets awesome restaurants right yeah yeah stuff to do all the time yeah yeah but it's well yeah baltimore's got that but not as much of it. Right. And I just, I love the idea of just being able to walk, of not being reliant on a car and being able to go anywhere, any time of night and like not worry about it. Yeah, it is cool. And that's fun, especially for like the first like few months you're like living in New York, you ride in the subway, you know, some kids get on and start break dancing and you're like, go guys, go, go, go, go.

You're really good, man. You're like go guys go go go go you're really good man you're like five bucks sure bro and then like you know two years down the road you're like turn off the freaking stereo stop doing those stripper moves on the damn poles all right sit your ass down go to school all right i got a headache i'm all over it i don't feel like dealing with this the guy next to me smells like bo the other guy next to me has got one of those big Jewish hats, and that smells like shit. But even that's fun when you get off, and you're like, oh, man, I just had to freak out.

And my peanut butter and jelly business just failed. Yeah, but everything is so new, and then you can go to museums, and that's cool, too. And then Central Park is beautiful. Yeah. That sounds so lame. No, it's true, though. I would love to go to Central Park by myself and just sit by the lake.

And then someone would always be getting engaged on the bridge. Really? Nice. And that's cool. That's cool because then they make a whole public show of it of it and they pretend like they don't want anyone to see. But, you know, you wouldn't do that unless you wanted everyone to clap. One of the most well-known parks in the world. Yeah.

It's between us. No, a nice little private spot. A private moment here. We're going to go in the middle of a bridge. You don't see me coming and looking at you when you're in your hot tub at home. That's cool. If you're thinking about moving in there definitely do it and then um you know you'll be at that point where like maybe you'll go and improv is tough i think because it's you kind of

have to take a class always like you know improv is different than stand-up like stand-up you just do and if you get good at it you get paid but like improv is a whole different like maybe kind of like if you stick with it long enough. Improv is totally different because there's a there's stand ups that do it. There's actors that do it. Right. There's like it's not just people that are comedians. There's like everyone's doing improv.

And but it's just like a different beast is at least in as far as I know, like, you know, you take classes and then you join a troupe. You're not getting paid to show up at spots and do improv. No way. And you're not getting paid to show up to stand up and do shit. Well, eventually you can maybe. You can, but not in New York. Yeah, it's going to take just as long a time to start over with improv and take all the UCB classes

before you get on a house team or something like that. Improv is, yeah, and you don't get paid. It's hard to tour doing improv, too. Right. You can go to different theaters, and I guess there's festivals. Right. But if you're worried about it for the money, man, this is lame, man.

This is lame, but don't do it because that might never happen. Yeah. I mean, that really only happens, I'd say, with Second City. It really has a touring company. Yeah, even if you get in there. Yeah, it's not that really only happens, I'd say, with Second City. It really has like a touring company. And even if you get in there. Yeah, it's not like you made it. You're probably going to have to have a second job. Totally, yeah.

Yeah, so improv's depressing. Thanks, Tim. Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it. Yo, you want to call this guy? Oh, yeah. You got time. I got time.

I was supposed to go somewhere. It's my sister's birthday. We were supposed to have dinner, but she was like, nah, I think she wants to get drunk or something like that. And you can't be there? We're not having a family dinner. Okay. Got you.

Got you. Do you have a question? We should probably just text them. We don't want them to get sick of us. Oh, you call them all the time. Okay. Yeah. We text them all the time.

All right. What question do you have for Professor Griff? Professor Griff. I guess we can just ask him, like... If you want to call him from your phone, we can. So it doesn't come from my number, because he sees my number all the time. Where does this guy live? Does he live in Baltimore? Yeah, he's in New York.

All right. How about we just ask him, like, what he thinks about... Oh, man. It's so hard to think of a good question. You know what I mean? Yeah. Gotta make it count. This is Professor Griff.

Just be like, hey, Professor Griff, how about those replacement refs? All right. Ask him if that was a conspiracy. The replacement ref Let's not get smart ass with him He'll give up on us What do you think of the replacement refs?

Is that good enough? How about these new replacement refs? The replacements of the replacements Yeah Ask him what he thinks about the Keanu Reeves vehicle The replacements Yeah Ask him if he thinks it's a coincidence that

His name was like Eddie Falco in that movie and now we got Joe Flacco. It's like a letter off. Right? They were both in Baltimore. Conspiracy. Total conspiracy. Right? 9-11

Reptilian Overlords Joe Flacco. Come on. Well, reptilian overlords joe flacco come on well um yeah we'll wait for uh griff to get back we should ask griff in the beginning of the podcast yeah yeah well we normally we normally ask him i don't know we got it's hard for us to keep a schedule what do you mean with with griff well i mean you know it's not like we stay on one topic or anything. No, I'm saying before the podcast starts. Oh, before the, okay.

Yeah, that way we can give him time to respond. Right. So, because right now the listeners. They want it. Yeah. Big time. You guys, hang in there. Hang in there, dudes.

Hang on. Hang in there, guys. You're going to get back to us. Yeah, please. In the meantime. Don't switch to another podcast. In the meantime, we're going to play a little Zip Zap Zup. Here we go. Improv game. You ever play that? Oh, guys. You're going to get back to us. Yeah, please. In the meantime. Don't switch to another podcast. In the meantime, we're going to play a little zip zap zop. Here we go.

Improv game. You ever play that? Oh, yeah. We're going to play a little zoom zoom. Let's do the zip zap zop pyramid. What? It's zip zap zop and then zip zip zap zap zop zop. Oh, that's too much.

And then three and then back down to two and then one. We're going to play pass the clap. We're like, hey, oh, eye contact, eye contact. Come on, guys. Here, let's do a professor, or we're all taught. We all say one word. Can we? Okay.

What about a scene? Let's do an alphabet. Can we do that? All three of us? Yeah. So we got to do progressively A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, P, S, U, S, That's what we have to start your sentence with. All right. Can we speak to whomever, or do we have to go? Yeah, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, P, H, U, S, T, That's what we have to start your sentence with.

All right. Can we speak to whomever or do we have to go? Yeah, we can just be in a scene. All right. We'll get the input for the word. So, Tim, you say something. And then the first word that makes you think of whatever when he says that. And then I'll do the same to you.

Whatever I say will be the input for the scene. Okay. All right. So any word you want. Okay. We'll do like a kaleidoscope uh mirror uh childhood all right all right guys guys that wasn't in alphabetical order oh we were just that was the end for the input i was not listening do we need to play zips up again jesus christ read my improv book.

Let's do another round of Bunny Bunny. Toki Toki Toki Toki. It sounds like some drink or something. Another round of Bunnies over here. Okay. All right. Our input is childhood. We're playing the alphabet game.

Yeah. Begin. And I don't think your son's going to... I don't think he's going to make it in gym class. But, Doctor, we had such high aspirations. Childhood is a tough thing, but he can maybe be a math person. Mathematicians make money more so than golfers. Don't you people know how to reattach legs? Every time that I botch a leg job,

somebody is going to be angry about it, but I'm trying. It's called practice. Frank, why aren't you backing me up here? Gelda! Gelda! Gelda! Our kid's a fruit loop, okay? He's got one leg.

He's never going to play sports. Just forget about it. Holy Christ, I can't believe you said that. I know, I know. These are tough times, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Just face it. Just face it! A kid's fruity, he doesn't like sports, put him in theater class or something. Kindergarten. You gotta start him in theater kindergarten.

Let me just say that that's a great choice. You could go with theater. Might I add, might I add, Robin Williams. Robin Williams, my favorite comedian, was in kindergarten theater class. No way. Elemento. Oh, yeah. People, people, people.

If we could just focus. Quiet, Doc. You don't know Jack. All right. Where'd you go to school? CCPC? Rikers Island Community College? Yeah, huh?

Yeah, you, yeah. Settle down. I am a doctor. Your kid with no legs is going to be somebody, okay? Tomorrow I'm going to see you in the news as, like, the doc that always botches leg jobs. Usually botches leg jobs. Usually botches leg jobs. Let's be fair. Very good, doc.

Don't even know your ABCs. Very good, you freaking loser. Why did we come to him in the first place? X-rays. X-rays. X-rays. Yes. Zip it, Kelda.

Zip it. And scene Well done Did I skip Q? Is that what happened there? No you said quiet Q R S T U No you went to U

To U Yeah Understand That was good I fucked up the alphabet At the end there That was good That was fun

That was fun man That's like That was That was one of those things That the game Is the joke No word from From Griff

No word from the Griffster. Wrap this mummy up. Let's wrap it. Let's just keep going. I'm pretty sure nobody listens to the end of any podcast ever. Oh yeah, you can't make it through. If you want to keep going, we can make it a marathon.

Do you guys want to besmirch some races or something? Nobody's listening. Nobody's listening. Get it out, guys. Yeah. Get it out now. I'll tell you who's not listening.

Those wide-nosed tootsies over there. They're definitely not listening. Josh hates the tootsies. Who till I die? Well, it's true, man. I know. Thank you. I mean, stereotypes are made for a reason bro you know

right i mean that you know there's not since he's been putting spells on us for decades god damn yeah i mean you know it's not like the rumor would get off the ground like if they're like hey did you know mike moran could dunk i'd be like well let me see it you know i've never seen you dunk i mean that rumor wouldn't get off the ground. You know what I mean? You ever heard that phobia? Literally. There's like these mass panics in parts of Africa and Asia called Koro, where people think that other people are putting curses on them and making their penises retract into their body like a turtle.

In fact, Koro, I think, means turtle. So, oh. No, that happens. So I'm cursed? Hey, guys. Hey. No, it's not me. No, that happens. So I'm cursed? Hey, guys. Hey. Hey, guys. No, it's not me.

It's the Coro. Yeah, it sounds like some guy that just couldn't perform well one night. He's like, you don't understand, baby. They put a spell on me and gave me the turtles down in Salem, which I'll start with. You can do that on anything. I have a case of turtle dick. I didn't ask for it. There was a spell put on me.

Nothing I can really do about it. I like that excuse It doesn't get used often enough Witchcraft I bet it is a common thing In countries where they believe in curses and spells It must have been great to be back in the day One of the intelligent guys to take advantage

Of a dumb society With the Puritans or something Oh, why was I home late? Witches Oh, okay, that's oh, why was I home late? Witches. Like, oh, okay. That's all right. But then, like, it's a fine line because then you might get, like. The devil.

God damn devil. Let's burn some crops. Am I right? It was probably a savage. It might be. But they might burn you or something. Which one of us gets a spit? You walk a fine line if it's like, if you're like, sorry, man, I had a bad game.

Well, I guess there was, if it was like back in the day. Sure you were like like they got done playing ball sorry it's a game of firsts i mean you gotta wishes and they were like oh you're a witch you gotta make the accusation before somebody else does you know what i'm saying i have like i have red hair i feel like i would be dead like if i was back in like salem oh yeah i'd be screwed just as soon as you're born it's a beautiful but Oh, my God! But I'm not a female. I guess they only burn females. No, no, no.

Well, first of all, they didn't burn anyone in Salem. They were all hanged. And men were accused as well. I think only one was killed, but he was pressed to death. I'm tired of your apologies for Salem. Salem apologies. Salem, I hardly knew him. Hey! Salem Apologist Salem I hardly knew him Hey Alright there was a lot of witch burnings in Europe

But I don't think there's any in America Okay yeah trials at least the trials Maybe you get put on trial Well they hang people I'd rather get burned That was actually in Salem Really You could be like

Oh you Secretly I want to suck a dick Really? It's like the tail end. Really? Jesus. Yeah, because you could be like, you could be like, oh, you, I just want, secretly I want to suck a dick or something. You could say some weird stuff while you're being burned. And then maybe the fire

would get put out. And you'd be like, I was just joking, guys. I was just joking. And you're just a terrible burn victim. They're like, no, you're going to suck our dick now. With Joan of Arc,

they would put a, I think it was called like the sack of mercy. And it was a sack of gunpowder that they would put around your neck so that you wouldn't burn quite as slowly. Because once the gunpowder called, it would blow your head off. Wow. Yeah. That's brutal.

The Salem witch trials were actually like the tail end of a massive trend in Europe throughout the Middle Ages of accusing people of witchery and killing them. Right. Yeah, Europe was obviously the forefront of evil. Right. Yeah. All right, well, take that, European listeners. You are the worst. The worst, and your comedy sucks usually, too, right?

Jesus Christ. You know nothing. Start driving on the right side of the road, please. Hey. Please. They do. Only in Britain do they not do that. Really?

Do we not do that? Do we not do that? Do we not do that? Benedict Donald over here still considers himself British. It's only British country. No, because I went to Spain and I was like, drive on the left. She's like, hey bro, what are you doing?

I was like, Hey dumbasses, this is Spain. i was like i'm gonna go to spain listen to some mariachi music like i'm gonna drive on the left and then none of that's spanish actually you realize spain is not in england right right so yeah but i didn't know that it was only british countries you're like i'm gonna meet a bunch of guys named carlos yeah i'm in spain all i'm gonna do is eat empanadas i'm gonna go to taco bell and get some chipotle yeah that's how crazy spain is they serve chipotle at the taco bells wow yeah fucking wild that's how they do that shit they actually they rathers from the left because they squeeze meat out of a tube you know everything's in a tube yeah like I know and then when I'm done I need out of my two but diarrhea but to

but to but to but to other podcast awards cuz we just want all of us we did it you guys man digression sessions for the butt tubes bit. You know how they play a little bit of the movie at the Oscars? That's what they play. It's just us going, butt tubes, butt tubes, butt tubes, butt tubes. Let's end it on a high note. I don't think we're going to do that. Yeah, but hey, if anyone that was listening thought this was fun, you should take Mike and Josh's word for it.

I'm funny. Stand up in there. It's going to be a good show. Yeah, we will plug in the beginning. Auto bar. Check out timheckel.com. You're also a good editor, too, because I saw some of your other videos on your blog.

Thanks, man. Very good. I think you were on vacation maybe in North Carolina for something. It was a bunch of palm trees. Yeah, that's Folly Beach. That's in Charleston, South Carolina. I lived there for about 10 years. That's where my mother-in-law lives. Looks very good. It was on Vimeo, so it's some high quality

shit. I have YouTube as well. I need to get on change. I had a website and I haven't looked at it in a while. I need to get back on there and update it. I saw some dust, but it was okay. It's fun to do that. I need to get back on there and update it. I saw some dust, but it was okay. Yeah. It was okay. It was okay. It's fun to do that.

I do that because it's fun. You know what I mean? Like websites, blogs, and then you forget about it for a while and then you're like, oh, crap. Yeah. This thing still exists on the internet? Yeah.

Yeah. I haven't been back to my MySpace page in a while. Yeah. You're top eight. The song is still like... I haven't pimped it since like 2007. Offspring. Yeah.

Pretty fly for a white guy. It's still... What was that band? Jet. It's still Jet. Boom, boom, boom. Are you gonna be my girl? Well, Tim, super talented guy.

Thank you so much. The fact that you're in the city, you've got to come back any old time. Yeah, there's like a comedy show at Golden West, like next Thursday or something like that. I did that last time. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, tons of people are going to show up for that, too. Hopefully, I'll be there if I'm not working. Okay.

Awesome. Well, thanks for coming by, Tim. Thank you so much. Yeah, it was fun. I like talking. All right. Well, you've got to come back and talk. Yeah, definitely. Okay. All right. Yeah, it was fun. I like talking. All right. Well, you got to come back and talk. Yeah, definitely.

Okay. All right. Even if it's not in microphones. Yeah. I'll just come talk on your door. You better. That's fine. All right.

Just fog gathering on my windows all the time. Is that Tim out there? He's torn down our door again and is now standing on it like his own little podium. All right. Thank you so much, Tim. Thanks, Tim. Thanks, guys. We love you. like his own little podium. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys.