The Digression Sessions - Ep. 57 - Mike Finazzo Strikes Back

Episode Date: November 30, 2012

Hola Digheads! This week, Mike and Josh are joined by filmmaker and comedian, Mike Finazzo!   Mr. Finazzo is a regular at clubs and independent comedy shows across the east coast. He’s opened for the likes of 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander, Kevin Pollak, Carlos Mencia, Carl LaBove and Rich Vos.    And most importantly, Mike's debut album, Stupid Genius, was released on Josh’s record label, Better Robot Records, in the Spring of 2012 and debuted in the iTunes Top 50.  In this episode, Mike shares some stories from his recent weekend excursions on the road as a stand up comedian guy. He was living the dream until his wife called and informed him that their house had been broken into that weekend. We also discuss a number of topics during this episode including, but not limited to: “Lincoln” if directed by Quentin Tarantino, getting caught doing sexual things, early drug experiences (that drum set was expensive), not shitting on local radio stations, and so much more!   PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts!   WANT TO LOOK FLY AS HELL IN A FREE DIGRESSION SESSIONS SHIRT? EMAIL JOSH – [e-mail]   Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should we start distributing powerpoints with every pod?! DigressionSessions.com !! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @ThatMikeFinazzo MikeFinazzo.net

Hello. Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. How the hell are you in podcast land? I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Kadernas. Sitting to my right is usually the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds, my co-host, my confidant, my co-pilot when Jesus calls out sick, Michael Joseph Moran. And on today's program, we are joined by the very funny and the very bespectacled Mike Fonazzo. We discuss everything from movies that are out right now to the holidays to drug use. The first time we saw boobs. Yeah, it's crazy. When three nerdy white guys get in a room,

you better believe we talk about boobs. We're letting you in here, people. A glimpse of the real shit. It's real talk. And if you can't get enough Mike Fonazzo, you can see him December 9th at the High Tops Bar and Grill in Timonium, Maryland. He'll be headlining the show there Sunday night. You can also find him at MikeFonazo.net and on Twitter at ThatMikeFonazo. You can also check out Mike's debut album Stupid Genius for free on Spotify

it's also available on iTunes for only $3.99 and Amazon, Google Play and the Zune Marketplace if you're into that sort of thing and if you need more Josh Kadernas and Michael Morans in your life

come see us perform Friday November 30th at the Strand Theater for an improv and stand-up mashup show. We're going to have four comedians, four troops performing. Comedian will go up, do about seven or eight minutes set. Bang, right afterwards, improvisers hit the stage to perform scenes based off of the comedian's material. It's going to be a super fun show. We have some great comedians performing. We have Stavros Halkias, Tim Heckle, Jim Meyer, and Doug Powell all performing.

And there'll be great Baltimore improv group troops performing right after them. So it's going to be super fun. Come on out to that. Again, it's at the Strand Theater, Friday, November 30th. And? All right, all right. The plugs are almost over. Follow us on Twitter, at DigSeshPod.

Follow me, at BetterRobotJosh. Mike Moran, at MichaelMoran10. The aforementioned Mike Fonazzo, at ThatMikeFonazzo. And rate and subscribe on iTunes. If you want a free shirt, email me. Check out the website, digressionsessions.com tell a friend about the show no more stuff

we love you let's get into the episode Because consistency is important in podcasts. So I just wanted to get one out this week. Just get it on out. The holidays. And in bowel movements. Yeah, exactly. So bowel movements, a lot like podcasts. Yeah.

Some of them stink. Some of them feel good. But it's important to stay consistent. I'm pretty sure they all stink and they all feel good. No. They all feel good? Bowel movements. Even if you have diarrhea, it feels good. That feels the best. Are you kidding me? Oh, I hate diarrhea. What? Yeah, it's awful.

Pooping is like sex or pizza. Even when it's bad, it's good. Yeah, I enjoy pooping. I mean, as long as it's awful. Pooping is like sex or pizza. Even when it's bad, it's good. Yeah, I enjoy pooping. I mean, as long as it's done in the right place. Yeah, as long as it's coming out of your butt. No, no. And you're okay. No, done into the right place, I should have said. Uh-huh.

Like a lady's chest. What up, Miss Moran? Hi. That was funny. Shitting on chests. Yeah, that's what we're all about. Chests of drawers. Yeah, treasure chests. Like your mom's listening.

She's like, oh, that's okay. As long as they're pooping in drawers, that's all right. I was worried about my Michael for a minute. Speaking of family, just after the holidays, Mike Fonazzo, who's joining us. I think this is your first time on the podcast. So thanks for coming by. Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

Yeah, no problem. It's great to finally be here in Hamden, of all places. Yeah. And it's funny. I've done this podcast a few times and now i i don't recall that but now when i go on other p i'm just gonna ignore your bit but um please do whenever i go on other people's podcasts like the whole time i'm like do josh and mike think this is okay am i we didn't yeah i figured that's why nobody listened to those shows huh exactly yep that i

can't remember the names of and nobody ever heard of what again? 98 Rock Morning Show that's on a podcast they podcast it afterwards you could play this on the radio that wouldn't make it a radio show well actually I think it would actually make it a radio show

you could crap on a treasure chest that's all making it drawer that's true You can crap on a treasure chest That's all making a drawer That's true I'm full of these Deep thoughts with Mike Muran I can see the bumper stickers now It's because you shit on a treasure chest

How the hell do you call Japan without a delay? I'm just saying Move over neutrinos mike moran's in town sorry continue electron talk with mike moran uh so yeah how was uh thanksgiving for you fellas because i haven't seen you know we don't live together right you guys don't you have the same, so you're not living together anymore? I changed my name to David and moved out. Oh, so you're in the David house now.

Yeah. That's much nicer. Yeah. Yeah. And Hasselhoff says enough with the same joke. House Coulier. Is he good? What about Lynch?

Is he crazy? Excuse me? David Lynch. Is he crazy? Yeah. How is he? He's crazy. I knew it.

But how are your separate Thanksgivings? Who are you asking first? Mike. We'll go with our guest first. How about that? Well, it was alright. Mike Fonazzo. Thanksgiving was good. It's always unique because I spend half the time at my parents

and half the time at my wife's parents. Same day. And where do you spend the third half? Dog's parents. So I spend half the time with my parents and half the time with my wife's parents. I'm just acting like that never happened because I'm not good at math.

That's a math joke, right? It's always weird because when I go to my parents' house, it's tired and angry. Then when I go to my wife's parents, I'm pissed off that it's not tired or angry. They're just too happy. Yeah. They're like, let's donate our shoes to kids from Darfur.

My parents are like, let's watch Karate Kid 3. Keep our shoes. Keep that genocide going. Let's go hang these shoes on telephone wires for no reason. Just to be assholes. Oh no, it was fine. I'm not a big Thanksgiving guy. Really?

Why? Really? Why? Really? Who doesn't like Thanksgiving? It's wonderful. A day dedicated to eating and hanging out. That's fine, but it's not really hanging out. It feels like work sometimes because you're going from...

Because your family lives in a factory. Yes. My family lives in a sweatshop right um my parents are 12 year old taiwanese kids why was there not a 90s dance group called sweatshop i bet there probably was probably like some like exercise facilities too doing time at the sweatshop i got nothing they probably opened up for Stillborn on the HFS side stage sweatshop HF Festival

RIP Stillborn is playing at Death Fest local references yeah I don't know it's just the family holiday stuff feels like work to me it's like I like hanging out and relaxing my mom doesn't know what a podcast is Holiday stuff feels like work to me. It's like I like hanging out and I like relaxing. I'm listening to this one.

My mom doesn't know what a podcast is or a radio show. Air quotes for no reason. She doesn't know. She's from before the time of the radio show. Oh, no, she doesn't know what air quotes are now. Yeah, they've never listened to anything I've done, so that's fine. They still think it's the devil. So you just toss a signal through the air?

You know, when I was a kid, my parents... How does it travel faster than the speed of light? Do tell. When I was a kid, people started a rumor that our Christmas tree was satanic. That's interesting. Yeah. Oh, we didn't do that pet on the air, did we? No.

Okay, cut that out. No callback to... Yeah, callback to a conversation we had in a kitchen. Right. All right, that's right. That was earlier. Listeners, that's why you got to show up to the kitchen when I get home from work. Yeah.

Don't blame us. You come over here and you're all like, oh, what's that a reference to? Yeah. Should have been here, bro. Were you there in the kitchen? No. Should have fucking been here. You call yourself a dig head?

Yeah. The real dig heads are down there in the grit. In my basement. Shit. Yeah. You call yourself a dig head? Yeah. The real dig heads are down there in the grit. In my basement. While you're sitting at home just listening to us. I was there, man. I knew the satanic reference. Where were you?

Dig heads. They're the best. The best. What's name three? Scott. Me. Josh's girlfriend. she's a reluctant dig head she's just a dig head because she was walking by as you were editing like that's one listener she heard it count sorry yeah lips and mark it down um i was watching a documentary on the juggalos today and they they're explaining how the term Juggalo...

Like, Juggalos have always existed. It's just that they didn't have a name for them until recently. And that there may be Juggalos out there that don't realize they're Juggalos. So, like, they just wake up one day and look in the mirror, and they have face paint on, and they're drinking Fagos. They're like, oh, my God! The hope of the documentarians

was that they would see the documentary or come to one of the documentarians was that they would see the documentary or come to one of the concerts and realize that they were a juggalo this whole time. Like the ending of an M. Night Shyamalan movie. What if Bruce Willis realized he was a juggalo the entire time? He's having a flashback of him at the concerts.

I see magnets. Chicken hunting. It all makes sense right at the end. So you watch an entire documentary on that? I think so It was in like 8 parts I listened to it Well like 8 little YouTube parts Oh okay

It's on 4 DVDs I spent $200 A lot of slow zoom ins On pictures of juggalos Reading Shaggy 2 Dopes Correspondences Dear Shaggy 2 Dopes A lot of times I'll listen to documentaries

You know Just to walk around the house Okay so just background noise Yeah I guess so I mean no I'm actually listening to him the same way you listen to a podcast or a radio show you know just without the visualization well yeah occasionally i'll take it when there's something i want to see i'll pull out my ipod but you know i find most documentaries you can just listen to and get the same uh same effect yeah yeah that's

true so that's how you spent your thanksgivingaces of Death is a good one to listen to. It's like, ooh! I had a friend at work that kept referring to documentaries as documentaries. And I've made fun of him ever since for that. That's a story right there. Yeah, it is. Take that, documentary. I called people into our office.

I'm like, what's a movie that's non-fiction and just to have them pronounce the word and he didn't catch on at all even then no no but once he figured it out that we were making fun of him like two weeks later I just call him now

just say documentary and hang up it's really no he's like who is this yeah I'll figure it out one day you son of a and hang up. Right. There's really no end to that. He's like, who is this? Yeah, yeah. I'll figure it out one day, you son of a bitch. And we should actually make a documentary about his mispronunciation of documentary. That would be pretty fun.

That'd be a meditary. That's at the end he finds out he's a juggalo. Right. Tying it all together. I like that. I like that. My uncle at Thanksgiving, who's a juggalo. Right. Tying it all together. I like that. Yeah. I like that. My uncle at Thanksgiving, who's a good guy.

We don't really have the same sensibilities, but there was a funny moment. We're in the kitchen. We're eating, you know, finger food as we're getting ready for dinner. My grandma's there and she's an intellectual type. And we're talking about movies that are coming out because it's Oscar season. So all the good ones are rolling out. My uncle's like, you know what you gotta see.

I saw it the other day. I wasn't expecting much but that Lincoln movie and my grandma's like, I really wanted to see Lincoln. He's like, yeah, I really didn't think it was going to be good but Quentin Tarantino produced it. I was just like, what? Are they talking about the zombie movie? And he was like, Lincoln the Vampire Hunter movie. It was just like, what? Are they talking about the zombie movie? It was like Lincoln the Vampire

Hunter movie. It was so funny. My grandma was so confused because she'd never heard of that movie. She was like, I was going to see that. There's vampires in it? She was so confused. I thought you were going to say that there was another Tarantino Lincoln movie where there's a standoff at the end.

Lincoln pulls his gun out. Booth pulls out his gun. The son pulls out his gun on him. That was actually the beginning of the movie but then they come back to it. And then they start playing soul music from the 70s. And then Lincoln gets shot after the Pop-Tart comes out of the toast. John Wilkes Booth has to hide

out at Quentin Tarantino's house. He's like, do I have a sign on my front yard that says dead president storage? But yeah, it was just a funny moment. She's like, I don't know. Daniel Day-Lewis? She was just very confused. I saw Silver Lining Playbook the other day.

It was Bradley Cooper where he plays a bipolar person. It was very good. I think that's my favorite Oscar person. It was very good. I think that's my favorite Oscar movie. It's really good. It has that broad... What about American Reunion?

I think that has a chance for best supporting actor but it's not going to get best picture. Stifler is going to win. Academy for you. But Silver Lining Playbook is really good. I highly recommend it I also saw The Sessions I've heard of that

It's kind of like 40 year old virgin with polio It's about this guy who's paralyzed From the neck down because he has polio And he loses his virginity By having sex with a sex surrogate Sex surrogate? You mean a prostitute? They tell you

the difference in the movie and I still don't understand it so we'll just say yes. I was picturing somebody just fucks for him and he's like it was great buddy. Live life vicariously. Did his penis work? It did, yeah. But you just can't feel anything.

So then what's the point i mean that's like i'm sorry if when you have polio uh when you get paralyzed from the neck that you can actually feel everything like if somebody touches you you can feel it but you can't move anything you know now that i think about it even if you couldn't feel it i think psychologically you'd still lust for some for for intercourse I don't think you know when you cum, though, either. Since you can't feel it, it's just like, boop. That would kind of suck. That movie was good, too.

The guy who plays the dude with polio. It's a true story, apparently. Is it? John Hawks was the guy who played. William H. Macy's good. It's a good movie. John Hawks, he's good. I like him in that

Me, You and Everyone Back and Forth Forever Solid film That reminds me of the time I pooped in your butthole And then you pooped in my butthole With the same poop and we went back and forth forever Two people thought that joke was hilarious Deep cut on that one

That's the most memorable part of the movie. Just nobody saw it. Yeah, that's what I mean. What was that? Movies that I've seen. I haven't seen any of the movies. Argo's good, too. Oh, I saw Flight.

How was Flight? I thought it was good. Yeah? Yeah. I thought it was really good. Yeah, I heard Budweiser. Not happy about all the Budweiser that Denzel drinks.

Yeah, because he just is a drunk. Budweiser's like, hey, why do you have to drink our beer to make you look terrible in your film? Well, like E.T., what they'll do is they'll CGI out the Budweiser 20 years from now and put in Pabst Blue Ribbon

or something. Did they do that in E.T.? Not with beer, but with guns. I know with Superman, they CGI'd out the Marlboro truck. Oh, okay. Yeah, in E.T., there's a scene where cops are chasing the kid and they have guns in their hands, and they change it to walkie-talkies. I've heard recently, though, that

Spielberg has regretted that decision and has reverted the DVD back to guns. Oh, okay. All right. Flip-flopper. Welcome back to Fun Facts. Hi, everybody.

Interesting anecdote. We're discussing fun facts. Hmm. I was going to say something, and now I totally fucking forgot. It's come to this. Yep, it's definitely come to this. There's something I was going to... I had something there. Yeah, I forgot what It's come to this. There's something I was going to... I had something there.

I forgot what I was going to say. What else did I want to talk about on the podcast? Let's see. Oh, I know what's important. What I wanted to mention, which we should probably say up top, that we have a show this Friday.

That's right. Stand-up? A little bit. Improv? What? Definitely. A stand-up and improv mash-up this Friday. November 30th.

Josh, what are you talking about? Well, I'll tell you, Mike. Friday, November 30th at the Strand Theater on Charles Street. The Strand Theater on Charles Street. Here in lovely Baltimore, Maryland, there will be a show of stand-up and improv. Four comedians, four troops. Comedians will perform for about seven, eight minutes, and that will influence the troops' set. And they will do a 15-minute improv set based on the comedians' material.

Well, that's all well and good, Josh. But where do you and I come in? I tell you what, Mike. We'll be hosting the show. And we'll be doing some improv as well. We're going to have comedians like Tim Heckle, Stavros Halkias, Doug Powell, and Jim Meyer. Whoa. So, yeah, everybody come out to that.

It'll be like five bucks. It'll be super fun. It's a fun venue. I like all those comics. Yeah, they're all good people. Everyone involved sounds good. Yeah, Jim Meyer was on 98 Rock yesterday, Monday, and they advertised the show.

That's cool. Really? Yeah. You can find Jim at the Strand Theater on Friday. Nice. Wow. I hope a lot of 98 Rockers don't show up for this show. I was going to say, you're going to have two construction workers from Dunn.

Two construction workers from Dunn-Dock are going to show up. But they're really into it. Do a Herald. Come on. Hell yeah. Yes, and the shit out of that motherfucker. Find the goddamn game, man. Well, no, the 98 Rock audience i think is pretty good like when i

went on to promote our album yeah we were out of the top like 200 and jumped back to like 50 yeah that's true that's true we obviously our shit's been blowing up since no doubt but no they've uh been good at promoting our stuff so i don't want to have them listen back to this and uh they won't they won't There's another podcast that shit on them And it got back to them We'll talk about that another time Or you can just bleep out a 20 minute conversation No they

You've pretty much shit on Mickey Coachella Like the past 5 episodes We're not like really shitting Don't do that What did you say his name was Rock Bottom He was Rock Bottom in Record and Tape Trader commercials What did you say his name was? Rock Bottom He was Rock Bottom in record and tape trader commercials Do you remember that Mike?

I don't remember this at all He was officially known as Rock Bottom For many years And he did record and tape trader commercials Mike what was that terrible thing you said about Stash When we were in the kitchen You know what Did you say something about Ock as well?

All I have to say is Justin Schlegel is one of my best friends in comedy and everybody at 98 Rocks was very good to me. If you bad mouth Lopez, I swear to God. By the way, I'll be on Mickey and Amelia December 17th. So listen to that.

Yeah, plug this podcast. I'll subtly mention this podcast How can I work that in Just over four hours You say digressions Sessions and podcasts Yeah with Morse code Yeah maybe I shouldn't

Mention this podcast If you've been shitting On their show No we haven't been No we haven't Like Mickey's just come up A few times Because we had Mickey Freeland

On the podcast Right And then we had Mickey Freeland on the podcast. And then we had Pedro Coachella. It was a weird couple of bookings back to back. And then we had Bird. What?

Bird? Yeah, it was Bird. It's Kurt. Before that it was Bird. So they just. No, before that it was Bird. So they just tried to find a guy that has a similar sounding name? I guess so. Look, we've already done a bunch of promo bumpers. Maybe no one will notice.

We'll just say it real fast. Well, no, they replaced him and they put his name in there. That was probably the best spot to put it in. Good times. Bird. I swear it was Bird. Bird, Mark, and Lopez. I mean, I do think that Mickey sometimes gets a bum rap in local comedy, but I think he's nothing but supportive.

Yeah. Yeah, from what I hear, he's a cool guy. He's actually done a bunch of stuff with the Baltimore Improv Group. Oh, yeah. They perform with him. Yeah. We do an unscripted show, which is like an improvised play every year. And some people from Big were on the morning show, and they're like, youvised play every year. Some people from Big

were on the morning show and they're like, you should be in it. He's like, alright. So he was a part of the show. Oh, that's cool. He doesn't take himself seriously. He's really supportive of the young comics. And his brother books the Comedy Factory and has been nothing but nice to me as well.

Donald Duck Coachella. Come on guys, help me out here yeah you guys heard that right well speaking of comedy mike finazzo you recently did a road gig i did yeah tell me all about it it was it was a really good weekend i featured at a comedy club called kazis and uh newport news virginia there's a newport news and um yeah and uh yeah that exists and uh no it was really cool the comedy scene down there is pretty good and uh we had uh it was fun because the thursday night show we did a um it wasn't at the club it was at an air force base so we did a show for like 100 troops me and the headliner that weekend la hardy he's a cool guy um and then after that we did the open mic at the club um and then we had

one show friday two shows saturday oh yeah you told me about the open mic that yeah broke some rules huh yes it was funny because we did the show at the air force base and that went well and we went to this open mic yeah and uh they're like do you want to do a set i'm like yeah and i went up and uh just i i had a really good set i felt good about myself was like i'm showing these young kids how it's done and as soon as i got off stage i noticed the host said something like uh hey guys just so you know uh mike's featuring here this weekend the rules don't apply to him i'm like that's weird you immediately murdered somebody yeah and uh so i walk over the owner comes up to me you start flying the laws of physics don't apply

to gambling and pirating movies right yeah um you both exist and don't apply to me. You're gambling and pirating movies. Right, right. You both exist and don't exist at the same time in the same context. But the owner, who's a really cool lady named Lorraine Cosgrove, who's like the best lady to local comics and stuff. She's very sweet. Oh, cool. She comes up to me and she goes, Yeah, we have a rule here that's at the open mic, you're not allowed to say fuck or talk about masturbating because we think it

makes the young comics like better writers. Cause yeah, absolutely. Everything would sound the same. And she goes, but you've been doing it a long time. So you're allowed to do that. And also you're lucky those jokes were funny.

Right. But yeah, I didn't know that I broke this rule. You're open to it. So it was fucking messed up. I think I actually did break it know that I broke this rule. Your opener of, so I was fucking masturbating the other fucking day. I think I actually did break it in the first 30 seconds. Like, I know there was an early fuck, and I talked about masturbating. Yeah.

But, no, it's a great club. It only holds, like, 200 people, but, like, the shows are packed. And we had a lot of fun that weekend. That's awesome, man. So it's your first road gig yeah i got a few more coming up like next year and stuff so hopefully yeah yeah hopefully too bad the world's gonna end bro i should have booked them sooner never gonna see that harrisburg comedy zone that i hear so much good things about poor poor soul

yeah um but no it was funny because well not funny, but I had this great week at this club. All the shows went great. After I get off stage, the last show, feeling great about myself, and I check my phone and my wife called me. Our house got broken into and her laptop got stolen. So I went from euphoria to this is the life i want to lead to i'm driving to baltimore in the middle of the night miserable that's how crack works too i think yeah exactly yeah it's the chase and then you get it and you're miserable you don't have a laptop or crack um but yeah so that happened but it's a good week you sold your laptop and you did all

your crack and now what nothing yeah crack. And now what? Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. Has your wife found her laptop yet? No. That's terrible. You'd be able to track computers these days. You'd think, but no.

That really sucks. They just filed a number off with a knife. Check the bin. Apparently, when you uh like sell stuff to pawn shops they're supposed to report all serial numbers because there's like a database right um they'll see if something comes up missing missing but like the cops were saying a lot of the pawn shops are in cahoots right right yeah why can't you just gps the computer though you know well that's something we thought like she has a fancy Macbook

And you think with all and by the way I'm looking at your Macbook going Where was Josh the night of No mine's a Macintosh book Completely different You're a comedian but But uh We'll edit in laughter afterwards

Cause there's people here to laugh Why don't we just have yeah we should just be like yeah there there is one of those hold on keep keep telling your story as it gets more poignant i'll have okay um i mean that's pretty much the end as the laptop got stolen and now she didn't find it and she had to redo a 40 page grad school paper and stuff wow that she worked on for what like months yeah and with thanksgiving coming up and we're going to new york this weekend she wanted to have everything done before that jesus christ like it's due next month but she had everything finished i would just grab how much was she able to recite through memory apparently a lot

of it she did it really quickly and I think because it was so fresh. That's one of the reasons why she had to do it. Yeah, got it done pretty quickly. But, um, yeah, it's fine. Uh-oh. Alright, and we're back. I don't know where it left off. That's what you get for trying to add

wacky noises. I know, I'm sorry. Mm-hmm. it left off. That's what you get for trying to add wacky noises. I know. I'm sorry. You should probably study these before you put them on the recording. Cops just passed. Why did they just stop at like five? I don't know. They sound so realistic for them to stop abruptly. That's how cop cars work.

It just needs a DJ. No Taco Bell! We already caught the criminal. Yeah. Turn the siren off abruptly. Oh, I like it. Yeah. I don't even know if it picked it up on the recording.

Anyway, I'm sorry that your wife's computer got stolen. It's okay. What was it like sleeping in your house, knowing that it had been broken into? It's still weird. Yeah. Just knowing somebody was in our house. Did they go through your stuff? Were things strewn about? No. What we think happened was because she left her laptop. What if they're still there? They might be.

No. We think because she left her laptop on the dining room table and they came in through the dining room because the window was open. And that's the back room in your house. Yeah. We think that our dog might have scared them from getting further into the house.

Yeah. That sucks. They just walked in and like, yoink. Imagine the anxiety of walking into someone's house not knowing if they're there or not to steal something. How awkward that would be to get caught. Have you ever broken into somebody's house anybody strangers mmm no anybody ever stolen a laptop I did break into several cars once uh-huh just to what just to do it

just yeah basically how'd you do it drunkenness how'd you do it we just open doors so they're already open yeah oh okay so you didn't have like a shiv or something we stole a few things so yeah i feel really stupid about it today especially because we were like 18 i think it's not like we were like 13 yeah yeah we should have known better we did stupid stuff when we drank yeah my friend broke into a house where i grew up and then he's like yeah we should go it's like what i still don't know if he like knew the person and was like house sitting or something and just kind of fucking with me but it was a really weird feeling because there are kids and stuff there and you're just like walking through their house

right yeah so you so you just went in to like hang out i guess basically just to walk around just because you're like oh it's bad i mean same reason you probably break into a car just because you're like oh this is bad and you shouldn't do it and then yeah i only did it once and uh yeah that's my breaking into story it was just weird we drank breaking into yeah quick drink the coca-cola i'm pretty sure that's what we did it was like all right i gotta get out of here because yeah i couldn't imagine like seeing you know the lights come through the windows and then you're just stuck. Like, oh, my God. What would you do at that point?

I would try to run. Or, I don't know, hide. I'm trying to think. I feel like I've been caught in situations like that before. Breaking into people's houses. I did have a situation where I had to hide in a closet because of the girl I was hooking up with. Like, her ex-boyfriend. closet because of the girl I was hooking up with, like her ex-boyfriend. So you've been ghostwriting

R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet series the entire time? Yeah, but what does it have to do with this story? It seems like that's what his songs are based on. Chapters. I think there's 33 chapters now. I think there's psalms. Trapped in the closet. Psalm 1. Anyway. In the beginning. So wait,ms. Trapped in a closet. Psalm 1.

Anyway. In the beginning. So wait, so you're hiding in a girl's... No, I was hiding in a girl's closet. You're not currently. Yeah, it was something weird where I knew her ex-boyfriend, and I guess maybe he wasn't clear on their breaking up or something like that. Or maybe he just thought they were friends and thought it was just okay to walk into her house.

I like that. He's like, I'm just unclear about what's happening. Do we have sex? But anyway, I'm having sex with her. And he walks in and we hear him being like, hey. And, you know, he has no idea that I'm dating her or anything. Now, does he hear you having sex? He has. Well, you know, he has no idea that I'm dating her or anything. Now, does he hear you having sex? He has.

Well, you would think. We're having sex. Yeah. This is good intercourse. My name's Mike Moran. Michael Joseph Moran. My penis is all in that vagina. Ejaculation will soon be achieved.

The guy's like, hey! What are you guys doing up there? No, so he came in and we heard him and it was just like a holy shit moment and I hid in the closet. I thought he was going to come upstairs. I think she ran downstairs so he wouldn't come upstairs. Are you naked in the closet?

I was naked in the closet. I'm not currently. I don't know. I must have been. Maybe I pulled my clothes in the closet with me. Because I really thought he was coming in the room. You know what I mean? I have to investigate what's happening up here.

No, I thought he just walked in and was like, hey. So the natural progression, if she's in her bedroom, is to walk upstairs. Well, that's good that it was a two-story house. Right. So there's more square footage. Yeah, I had some explaining to do after that. Yeah. You just finished off in the closet. Hey, blue balls. I didn't ask

for the abrupt stop, you know. We're talking like, I wasn't doing anything wrong. You know, This is temporary insanity. Can't waste a good erection. Right. Exactly. He didn't come upstairs or she just cut him off? I think she cut him off. My glasses were on the coffee

table, however. And he asked if she got new glasses. Is that what started the sex? And you're like, man, my glasses are chafing me. You have to take them off real slow. Right. Now my hearing aid is chafing me.

I work all the way down. And my dentures. Let me get a little bit more comfortable. My peg legs. Do you have a glass of water? But yeah. Dentures in a cup. Oh, Mike Moran. Do you have a glass of water? Now my hair extensions

are chafing me. My big eyelashes. Yes. Venazza, you ever been almost caught in a compromising situation? My wife, we weren't married at the time, but her and I were doing things

in her parents' basement once. I think he's talking about something sexual. Yeah. So we had the Scrabble board out and everything. Her parents hate Scrabble. No, and Then her parents yelled downstairs like, Laura, where's your

car? They knew we were there. They didn't know that your penis was in her vagina. They did not know that. My belt buckle was really loud and I rushed to put my pants back on. To this day, I'll still refer to...

I'll tell my wife I'm like do you think your mom heard the belt buckle? So you didn't have like your pants around like your waist the entire time. It's just when you went to

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like just I'd just fly away. I'd say what an animal. It's just like Yeah, yeah. But that's really it. I can't think

I don't think I've ever been like you know yeah caught fucking a girl and then her dad started throwing grapes at me or something weird like that's never happened you're lucky these are seedless you son of a bitch yeah yeah um yeah no me either there was a girl i think when i was like in in middle school, maybe eighth grade or ninth grade. Middle school. Middle school.

Talk slower. We'd always have some time after we got off the bus. You were hooking up with girls in middle school? We were just making out. We weren't having sex or anything. But I wasn't allowed to be in the house. And they lived in a rancher. And I remember we were on the couch.

And it was a huge deal that we got her that we or that i got her shirt off and then i was like yeah she still had her bra on and uh and then it kind of makes me feel like a pedophile her bountiful uh double a cup right for all the world to see and um we're making out and then like i hear they had a gravel driveway and i just hear this car right to the door and they had a big bay window and i was like holy shit so i just like ran really quick like out the back door did they see you run no but like uh she had a younger brother and he was like like out of central casting like i don't like you i'm gonna catch you or something so like I was on the back

so I ran out, closed the screen door and acted like I was just sitting on the back step the entire time. And he runs around the side of the house and is like, and I was like, hey, Chris, just hanging out. Did she get her shirt back on? I think so. I just ran. I hope so.

But yeah, just playing it off like, no, I was just hanging out on the back step. That's what kids do. We hang out on the back step. I remember cooking marijuana with my current roommate, Chris, in his parents' kitchen and his dad coming down to make some food.

It was in the middle of the night. He came down for a snack or something. It'd be funny if he wanted some of whatever you were cooking. Looking back, he actually probably would have. Because I've never cooked marijuana, but I hear that when you are cooking it, it just smells throughout

the entire house. Really? I don't remember. I remember him putting a lot of spices in it and maybe he did that to mask the smell. But I don't remember it smelling like pot. Yeah, I just heard that when you're baking brownies, it just smells like pot. Well, we weren't baking. We were cooking on the stove with butter.

We ate potatoes and marijuana, I think. So you just melted it in the butter? Yeah, I think it was in the butter. Yeah, that was weird. It was higher than I've ever gotten in my life. It was horrible. It actually, Joe Rogan says this. I forget what it's called.

It becomes way more potent when you eat it because something about it getting broken down in your liver actually turns it into a very low dose hallucinogen. It stays in your system a lot longer too. It becomes four times more powerful. I'm pretty sure we saw the Lord of the Rings

the next day and we were still stoned. Yeah, that's the thing. It will stay in your body for a long time. I don't mean the movie. The actual Lord. The Lord himself. It takes longer too to have an effect so people will be like,

he's not doing anything. I need to eat something else. I definitely remember lying on his bed being like, why did I do this? I don't want to be here. Have you ever seen the video of Mike lying on the bed saying... It's amazing stuff. Let's cut to it now, shall we? No way.

But it's cops that stole weed. Teenagers, and they called 911. Have you seen that? I haven't seen that. They played the tape, and it was't seen that. They played the tape and it was on the news and they transcribed it and the guy's like,

yeah, we're cops and we ate pot or whatever. And he's just like, and we think we're dead. Time's moving really slow. I almost feel like that had to be a hoax. That's just too perfect. Because being stoned doesn't make you hallucinate like that had to be a hoax. That's just too perfect. Because being stoned doesn't make you

hallucinate like that. Right, right, right. Either way, it's hilarious. Even if it's fake, it's amazing. But yeah, I've never been that high. I've done mushrooms twice, which is fun. What was your mushroom experience like? The first one was a lot of fun.

And then the second one was pretty good. I was with a bunch of friends. And I remember laying on... My friend drove over and we were outside. And he drove over and we were all kind of sitting in a circle. And I was sitting on his hood. And as it started to kick in, I laid down. And his engine was so warm.

I just felt it on my spine. I just imagined heat going through my body. I looked up at the stars and all the stars were golden. They started raining down and then they would go down and then just freeze. Didn't you have some story with hallucinating the trees

moving or something? Yeah, I saw trees hug the first time and I talked to my house like it was alive. I get it, man. You must have been really really tripping hard oh yeah big time and you really thought you were doing these things yeah i don't i don't think i ever used enough of a hallucinogen to like where i was out of it and i didn't know what was going on and i was imagining things that weren't real no i was well um i think i've told you this before but maybe not on the podcast, but when I did mushrooms the first time,

I did it with my girlfriend at the time in high school. We ate them maybe at 9 o'clock at night. Nothing was happening with them. A couple hours went by. Her parents pulled up the gravel driveway. I just ran out the back

door. Just doing mushrooms on the back step. That's what kids do. Her little brother never really existed. You just saw him. You were a juggalo the back door. Well, just doing mushrooms on the back step. That's what kids do. Her little brother never really existed. You just saw them. You were a juggalo the entire time. Yeah, yeah. Callbacks, callbacks, callbacks. Yeah, so we go.

He woke up a juggalo. Oh, my God. What have I done? My colleague was telling me how one time he woke up with a nickname like biscuit dick or something. What? And he didn't know how he got it. And no one would tell him. Like people just like, hey, what's up, biscuit dick?

Can you fuck a biscuit or something? He doesn't know. He doesn't know how he got this nickname. He just woke up with it. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So we went to bed and then uh in my dream um you know like at like carnivals or like old school like marquees where they have

like huge bulbs kind of around like the marquee it's like tonight blah blah blah right i was a part of the lights and i was just going in a track and they were purple and i was just and i was just in my dream i was just like flying around this track and I was like, this is kind of weird. And I woke up and I was like, I need to go to the bathroom. And I turned on the light and I looked in the mirror and I just started giggling. And in the mirror

it looked like the sink was on and then I looked down at the sink and it wasn't on. And I looked back in the mirror and I was like, ah. Nice try opposite Josh. This sounds like something from It, the movie. Stephen King's It. Oh, I haven't seen it with the clown.

Yeah. I had a bad one out. I haven't seen it. Now you're thinking of the Juggaloos documentary. Well, you're high. They're all the same thing. I tried to watch it And I accidentally watched these

It was eight hours long It was crazy Now I'm down Down with the clown Hey what can I say I'm down with the clown Yeah And then I go back in the room

My girlfriend She turned the light on And she kind of has Like a pie eyed look as well And I'm like I'm starting to feel it She's like Yeah I am too

Because I saw your drum set fly away And all I thought was Man That was expensive. Did it really fly away? Yeah. Wow. It was expensive too.

I was pretty pissed. Isn't that funny when people ask you questions like that? Like seriously? Did you get it back? Did you get it back? But then we went on the roof and it was amazing. Like all the stars, like the first time they were moving around, it kind of looked like...

Do you remember in the 90s how everything would have... Like on comic books and baseball cards, it had the hologram kind of thing, so we'd have to tilt it to see different colors. Album covers. That's what the entire sky looked like. It was just weird colors going all over the place. Then I saw a tree hug, and it was talking to house. And then we heard this really loud noise hit my garage

and we freaked out and we were just like, let's go inside. Now, I don't know if it really happened to this day. Like it could have been, I don't know, a squirrel or nothing. Right. But then I remember we were watching TV and we were watching Chris Rock's Never Scared and his face started contorting. You know how he already makes good looks? But yeah, when he'd be like, you know, white girl, and then it would just be like, yeah, and his face was growing. And it's like, ah, this is weird. And yeah, so that was the first time.

Didn't you wake up her parents or something? Oh, my mom was up. We were like, hey, what's going on? Because we were freaked out. We were like, hey, what are you doing? And we just watched Chris Rock so right yeah it was uh yeah it was interesting and then the second time stars are raining and yeah it was fun so that's my drug story you guys Joel you ever do any hallucinogens for

Naza no none no what's the most amount of drugs you've done, Mike? I have the pot brownie story. I've only done weed before. You've done the pot, so. I've done the marijuana. Square. You don't really drink either, do you, Mike?

No, I don't. No, just by choice? Yeah, I'm boring. I just never like the taste of it. Maybe you'll grow a pair one day Maybe someday In high school We had a teacher Who I'm pretty sure checked out

Like in May when your teacher starts showing you movies I still don't know what it had to do with Like class But he showed us the movie Reefer Madness For two days You know, like in May when your teachers start showing you movies? Oh, yeah. I still don't know what it had to do with class, but he showed us the movie Reefer Madness for two days. And that's what I really thought drugs were. You smoked pot, then you played the piano really fast and killed yourself. That was, yeah. Such a ridiculous movie.

It's like they're all doing speed, like maniacally smoking. Ah, ah. Now let's do the jitterbug. It is weird though how like in in tv and movies whenever people smoke pot it's like they're they're tripping you know like remember when homer was smoking pot and he's like driving his car in a rainbow and everything all right it's not really what it's like just let you know yeah you walk on rainbows not dry you know there's like a early 80s, I think, equivalent to Reefer Madness starring Helen Hunt

as a drug user where she jumps madly out of a window. I think you're thinking of Mad About You. I was going to say, is that after she fucked the guy with polio? I can't take this living with this anymore. And then she was done.

Yeah. Good times. Yeah, yeah. Good times with the drug stories. I had my gym teacher in high school also taught our sex ed class for some reason or health. Yeah, that's usually how it worked.

Really? Yeah, because they're like the health teacher too. Oh, okay. Okay. It's more like nobody respects you. Just talk about this. Do this thing they have to do. But I remember he would always tell us stories when we would come across drugs or stuff like that. He would always tell stories about his friend.

And they were obviously him. Mr. Kelly. He's still wearing his windbreaker. He's like a teacher out of a movie. Always wore a windbreaker and the sports shorts and stuff like that i remember when we were talking about alcohol and like the effects it has on the body and he is saying uh he's like yeah we used to um we used to party or no not him but he would be like i remember some kids from my high school they would a friend of mine they would go up on this hill and that's where they would

drink too much, drink to excess. And this one time, he's laughing, he's like, this kid, we're at the top of a hill and this kid, he's just drinking, drinking so much. He falls and he starts rolling down this hill on the street and then somebody was going to meet him, drove right over the guy. He was fine. Couldn't believe it. He was fine. That's how drunk he was. I'm like, yeah, you're friend.

Like drunkenness saves your bones from being snapped. You're just that loose, man. When I went to the community college to take classes. You can stop bragging right now No, first year I took

A health class Because it was like It's required It's whatever your prereqs are You take those To get them out of the way And we had the guy who was like the track coach And stuff, teach health

And I swear, every day he would say something like, look guys, I've eaten an Oreo or two in my day. That's fine. I swear by week three it's like, look guys, I've had unprotected sex in my day. I've eaten an Oreo and had unprotected sex in my day. I've initiated several genocides in my day.

Right. It's all about moderation. I've talked to my house I've seen trees hug you guys Come on we gotta get those test scores up Come on guys Look I've been on to catch a predator a few times Who hasn't

Chris Hansen told me to take a seat A couple times Take a seat Yeah I was lip singing on the Grammys Lip syncing I meant to say Lip syncing A couple times. Take a seat. Yeah, I was lip-singing on the Grammys. Lip-syncing, I meant to say. Lip-syncing. Yeah, I hear you.

I hear you. So, Fonazo, you recently did the Magoobies, working on trying to become a full-time feature there. We don't have to talk about this on the podcast. Okay. No, I, yeah. We don't have to. I mean, we are a comedy podcast for the most part. I was going to say, we just talked about

Mike hiding in the closet and you grabbing A cups. We don't have to try to save it now. Let's do double A cups. Don't give me too much credit. I saw some nipples. I think I saw you picture the girls's titties in your head just now. I'd be like, were they A's or were they different?

I feel like that's like a, and probably for the better, that's like an age of boobs that I don't really know what they're like. You know what I mean? Oh, it was phenomenal. I mean, I know what a baby's breasts are like, and I know what an adult's breasts are like, but I don't know what happens know what happens there you know what i mean like you didn't have any experiences with boobies oh no what was your first experience with boobies um like what touching them seeing them let's do all of them let's do all of them one time i saw my friend's mom's boobs i mean i had seen lots of porn from a young age well i mean like in person in real life i saw my friend's mom's boobs uh-huh when i was like maybe 12 or something how'd that work i just walked he walked

in i guess they were a naked family down go on josh put it away um i guess you know how like some families were just naked in front of each other when you were a kid? No, that's not a thing. Mike? No, I've never heard of that before. You didn't know naked families? I think this is just your friend's family that was trying to rape you or something. I do remember the father watching us in the bathtub very closely in high school. That was a weird senior year.

He walked into the room. I followed him into the room. Who walked into the room I followed him into the room Who walked into the room? Aaron Probst I followed him in Because his mom It was into his parents room Okay so you guys are hanging out

He walks in, I follow I thought it was cool That's kind of what you do right? When you're at a friend's house Don't leave me in the hallway For some relative to come in and start talking to me all awkwardly cool. That's kind of what you do, right? When you're at a friend's house, don't leave me in the hallway for some relative to come in and start talking to me all awkwardly. And you're just standing

there like a goon. You're like, if you're going to the basement, I'm going to the fucking basement. We're hanging out. Right, yeah. So there was boobs in there. So, like, was she just standing there? Was she talking to her? I think maybe it was a breastfeeding type of situation. Because he had a younger sister.

Oh. Or maybe it wasn't. I don't know. Mom, it's time. I'm hungry. He wasn't one of those weird kids that got breastfed until like 12 or something. No, but that's even weirder than the naked family. And that occurs.

Yeah, that's bizarre. So I back out of the room and I saw some, I think my first real life boobs. Did she know that you saw them? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I was like, oh, shoot, sorry. Yeah, it was... Michael! I think she thought it was

kind of funny, though. She didn't think it was that big of a deal. Oh, okay. And from then, I don't think I saw any until I had a girlfriend in high school. Mm-hmm. All right.

Good times. Alright. Good times. I remember the girl that I'm talking about, her bra was kind of see-through and you could make out the areola, the dark part. I was like, yes. Amazing. Thinking about it now, loving it still to this day.

Oh, yeah. Mike, boobs? First boobs, I was replaying it in my head as I was listening to your story. And I didn't touch them, but it was this girl next door. She was really ugly, by the way. She had a speech impediment. And I remember there were these berries on the fence. It was a bush growing.

She kept going, you could deet these. Deet these? Yeah, you could deet these. You said deet these. Deet these? Yeah, you could deet these. You said deet these. Eat these nuts. Eat these. No, and she showed me her boobs one day.

How did that work? I was walking outside. She just went, hey, and lifted up her. It was like a dress. Okay, if we're going, what age are you talking here? It's like 11 maybe. And how old was she? She was like a dress okay if we're going what age you talking here it's like 11 maybe and how old was she she was like 10 yeah there was there was elementary school nudity in my world to some degree maybe not 10 or 11 but like there there was little girl little boy penis showing and breast showing in my story but but i thought we were talking about adult breasts right um

that's my first memory of seeing boobs. Did she have boobs? She had dots. Nice. Dem dots. Yeah, eat these dots. Dipping dots, right.

Question one. I don't want to be offensive here. She sounds like Asian people. No, I don't want to be offensive here. She sounds... Do you like Asian people? No, I didn't enjoy it. No? She sounds retarded. Is she retarded?

I don't think she was like full retard or anything. No, I don't think she was retarded. Not like disability? I think she just had a speech. She just talks shitty. I think that's the question. She was like, hey, you can eat these. Like, I don she just had a speech. She just talked shitty. I think that's what she said. She was like, hey, you can eat these. Like, I don't know.

Like, I think. Yeah, like I never saw her get older from there. Like, they moved away after that. So. Right. Not because of that. That would be funny. That would be fun in the window.

Yeah. We're moving. Oh. But. One little flash. My dad got scared He said But no

I don't think she was retarded Okay Right She's probably like a crack whore In Arbutus right now You know Two dollar no holler Going you can deet dees

And lifting up the dress Yeah yeah Alright so Mike You're younger. Like, how young? Kids are showing their dicks and their boobs? I'd probably say K through 3. Really?

I'll see you. If we're going that, yeah, I got nothing. Yeah, you never had, like, show me your sessions? No, no. Not that, I mean,-me-your sessions? No. No. Not that I can remember that early. I have some memories from that age. I definitely remember there being some flashing.

Right. Okay. I remember hearing on Loveline years later that, like, younger kids, when they're masturbating, are, like, showing their genitals and touching their genitals a bunch. It's because shit's not going well at home, so they internalize a bunch. Right. Oh, this feels good. I do remember there being random girls that would take you behind the bushes and show you their thing.

Wow. And I do remember a time when we were sitting in the grass, and this little girl said, you're wee wee showing or something like that. Wow. Mike well hung. I look down and it is indeed showing

and I jump up and I say no it's not and I just deny that it ever happened. I don't even have a wee wee. You're incorrect madam. No it is not.

In fact you will see there's never a wee wee at all. I'm like a matlock. You tipped your top hat to her. Good day, madam. The weird thing was, though, it was like this weird, like, shameful sexual exhilaration. I remember it, like, kind of turned me on in a weird way. Has that shaped your sexuality through the years?

Quite possibly. You're a freak. Is that why you wear shorts so often? He can only have sex behind bushes. Right. Mm-hmm. Well, everybody's got their kink. That's not too bad.

All right. Did you ever have weird sexual feelings as a child? I remember masturbating on a cot at daycare before going to school. It was weird. We all had nap time. I would lay on a cot. It was through pressure. I remember laying on my stomach. You get a boner.

You were nasty with the cot. Not humping it But it was more like laying on it And then contorting my body to put pressure on my boner I just started talking about this one stage recently My first Quote unquote masturbation It was fucking my parents couch

Wow Like a hole in it or just rubbing Like in between the cushions Yeah yeah Did you get caught Like a hole in it or just rubbing Like in between the cushions Really Did you get caught No I never did I haven't done this part We made a little ottoman

An ottoman with a big nose It's got your eyes It has a big pair of glasses No but it's got your eyes. It has a big pair of glasses. No, but it's funny because later we had fruit flies and shit on the couch. And I was like, is that from my cup? And it turned out somebody left a banana that fell behind the couch or something. Oh, my. But, yeah.

There's a lot of flies in here Like I wasn't fucking the couch It's weird because No one teaches you how to masturbate Right That's true I mean I've had several priests try I thought you said your gym teacher did teach you How to

No I got my friend Shane at the time who was always a little underdeveloped. He was always just tiny. Him saying gross things was always funnier. We got him to ask our teachers,

Mr. Kelly, who was our gym teacher and health teacher, to ask him what the vulva was just out of nowhere. Seeing him explain it, he was just gym teacher and health teacher, asked him what the vulva was just out of nowhere. Seeing him explain it, he's just like, it's the you know. Well, a friend of mine. It's the outer.

When you said a friend of yours, I'm like, did his friend teach you about the jerk off? He's like, no. Your little friend's like, deplane, deplane. That was my fantasy. No, I don't know. I think I just kind of slowly figured it out.

I think I was probably doing the pressure thing for a while. I did it like, I would put my penis due north and would rub through my pants. You'd be licking your fingers in the wind. You're looking for the North Star in the sky. I'm really glad your mom started listening to this show.

Oh, that's what he was doing. Welcome back to drugs, boobs, and masturbating. Yeah, and my pants would get all chafed up. I would do it through my pants. And it would burn my penis. And all right, here's the really embarrassing part. There's still kind of a scar there from like pants burn. So now whenever a girl sees it, you're like comparing scars like lethal weapon.

You're like, this was my third time ever masturbated. I was from a thresher, four feet long. Proceeded to eat my boat and I swam to the shore. You're just in a town hall just cutting an apple. I'll get you, orgasm. It's going to cost you. I'll catch him for three, but I'll kill him for ten. So your penis just has

a zipper scar all the way up the shaft. I would maneuver so that it wasn't aligned with the zipper. I'm not an idiot. What do I look like? That wasn't my first rodeo. My first rodeo

where I masturbated once. Summer of 1984. If we're really going to go down this road, I've never told anyone that before, I think. I do remember my first ever girlfriend pointing out that my penis was two different colors.

That was probably what she was referring to. The scar? It's like a burn. I don't think it's that noticeable. It's just like a line. It started bleeding once. That's probably the one. Did you finish?

I don't know. I remember being really freaked out. I think it was bleeding at school the next day. Whoa. Jesus Christ. I would do it in class too under the desk. No way. Wow, you're one of those people. A kid called me once

and told me to make eye contact. Wait, did he just make eye contact? It was Jason Hess. Was it Mike Fonazzo's old neighbor? Mike, look at these. That was Jason Hess. I think he also had a speech impediment. Oh, my God.

Yeah, because we'd watch like the... Do you guys remember that like news show for kids? Remember Shrek? Yeah, Channel One. I don't know. It would come on CNN at like one in the morning, and they would tape it and then show it during the day. Okay.

No, I guess this was something different. Wait a minute. It's just news for kids? Yeah. At 1 in the morning? Yeah. I guess the whole thing was that teachers were supposed to set their VCRs to tape it, and then you watch it the next day of class. Okay.

I guess you have to do – I don't know. I guess that's the system they figured out. Sure. But, yeah, so We would watch that. It was like a table class. You know what I mean? We had round tables. Everybody's in a circle.

Wow, that's even bold. There's like three-fourths of a circle in your eyesight. There was people around. People next to you. The reason why Jason Hess called me is because he was sitting on the floor. Because, you know, like when we'd watch a video or whatever, people would rearrange and like sit in weird places.

Ah, okay. So, yeah. So, like seeing your arm furiously moving. Yeah, I told him I was scratching my leg. I don't think he believed me. But fortunately, he did not make a big deal out of it and tell everybody. It was very great. What grade was this?

Sixth. Okay. Yeah, that's the age when they very grateful for it. What grade was this? Sixth. Okay. Yeah, that's the age when they start figuring it out. Like, ooh, Mike, this man. Didn't you say you had to get drunk with your friends and force them to admit they masturbate? Yeah. When we were like 15. I never had that.

Mike, was there a stigma about masturbating when you were younger? No. Really? There was a huge stigma all throughout middle school. And we're talking several different school districts. This wasn't like just a one area thing. No. Everybody my house We're gonna figure this thing out Shit's gonna come out It was like the Salem witch trials Fingers are pointed More porn

Yeah I got suspended Cause I had porn in school Cause I killed a witch In 8th grade I have to get this note in school. I thought you were saying masturbation. Because I killed a woman masturbating on my cot. In eighth grade. I have to get this note sign saying that I masturbated

on the cot. Mom, be cool. Come on. So you brought porn to school. Well, actually, my friend Thomas had it.

I guess he found his dad's Playboys. Looking back, they're all like super 80s. It was like girls with really bleach blonde hair and super pink thongs and like leg warmers and stuff um drinking

new coke exactly clear pepsi yeah um so yeah i just remember like he would like clip out like pictures like smaller ones that would be like in the corner of playboys and stuff like that and we're like passing around in seventh grade. Oh my god. It's like some chick with a pink thong and she had a scuba mask on. A black light or something weird.

It's like, interest, pet rocks, favorite band, new kids on the block. Okay, boobs. Great. And then we're... Boobs, that's what it says about her, boobs. Great! So we're at lunch,

and we're passing around between a few of our friends, and I go to give it to a friend of mine. I think I was giving it back to Thomas or something like that, like a couple pictures. And the vice principal was on lunch duty. They used to have teachers

walk through and make sure nobody was passing around porn. Machimating on their cocks. Making their cock bleed. Drinking new coke. I handed Thomas something and I don't think the vice prince would have known what it was if he didn't act weird about it.

We probably both did. Like, oh, my God. We were passing it. And real quick, he put it in his pocket. And she probably thought it was drugs or something, looking back on it. And she comes over to Taylor. She's like, Thomas, what was that? What did you just pass him?

And I was like, nothing, nothing. And Thomas is like, oh, he just gave me a dollar for lunch. I didn't have any money. And she's like, well, let me see it. He's like, alright. He goes in his pocket and he pulls out a dollar. When he puts it on the table, the picture

had folded in with the dollar. Then just on the table in front of our vice principal, I forget her name, but she was like a tiny Jewish woman. It's just like a chick spread out with her badge open like the scuba mask. She's like, I see her name, but she was like a tiny Jewish woman. And, you know, it's just like a chick spread out with her badge open, like the scuba mask. She's like, I see. I see.

And it's like, so then we got busted for that. And I remember being like so embarrassed and I had to get something signed. They're saying like, I brought porn to school. See, if Thomas was such a good friend, he would have left you out of it. Just be like, he really gave me a dollar. The word was seven. Right. Well, Thomas got in trouble, too, because he had it. He really gave me a dollar. The word was set. Well, Thomas got in trouble

too because he had it. One time we were at the convenience store and my friend Chris insisted, a different Chris than the one I was talking about earlier. Right in that microphone. He insisted on grabbing a

Playboy along with another magazine. Like stealing it? No, he was going to do the old slip it into the magazine. Okay, and read it? No. Read the articles? Read an article about Rockefeller.

See what the modern gadgets that the modern man needs. I was reading the articles, teach They got great journalism No, he He just grabbed it In the middle of the store And stuffed it into another magazine And did it really poorly

I knew this was going to be bad news I saw him do it He didn't even look over his shoulder To make sure no one was looking He just did it really poorly. I knew this was going to be bad news. I saw him do it. He didn't even look over his shoulder to make sure no one was looking. He just did it really quick. And then he followed me around the store being like, Mike, Mike, look, look. And then eventually the woman behind the counter

came out and said, let me see what you got there. That's what I thought. He's like, look, look, lady, look. Oh, just kicked you out. Yeah, and then there was another man there doing something, and he was like, you boys know better than that. Oh, what a dick. We had to walk out in shame.

What a dick. Give you a complex like that. I know. What an asshole. I wasn't even in on it, right? I was trying to avoid it. Just trying to check out that new Coke you've been hearing about. Wow, this went a lot longer than I thought it was going to.

How long did we do? About an hour. About an hour. Was that LensCrafters? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Podcasting, about an hour. But yeah, Mike, thanks for coming by.

Mike Fonazzo. Thanks for having me, man. Munza, thanks for barking right there. Appreciate that. Thank you. Mike Moran, thanks for barking right there. Appreciate that. Thank you. Mike Moran, thanks for joining us, as always. Can I plug something? Yes.

All right, I'm not going to do it now. Munza. The dog barked. No plugs. No, I'm headlining my Tops on December 9th. High Tops, December 9th? Yeah, High Tops, Bore and Grill. Oh, High Tops, Bore and Grill.

Timonium, Maryland? Yeah. Awesome. And then MikeFanazzo.net. And pick up the CD so Josh and I can make some money. Yeah. You know, we have a little,

but we'd like more. Yeah, I would like that. Stupid Genius. Stupid Genius. Mike Fanazzo's debut album more. Yeah, I would like that. Stupid Genius. Stupid Genius. Mike Fonazzo's debut album, Stupid Genius, on Better Robot Records. It's on Spotify. Check it out. It's in the first couple tracks, and then buy it on iTunes.

Yeah. It's $4.99. Come on. $3.99. Holy shit. Mind. Whoa. You go to MikeFonazzo.net.

There's a free track you can listen to. Oh, my goodness If you don't like that, you don't have to buy it Suck it, but you won't like it Suck it, but you'll like it That's Mike Finazzo saying That's the next album Suck it, but you'll like it

Giving a thumbs up Reassuring look Alright Thanks so much for coming by Suck it, but you'll like it. Just giving a thumbs up. Reassuring look. All right. Thanks so much for coming by. You still want to get dinner? Yes. Okay, let's do it. Moran, you want to go get some dinner?

No, I have a date. Shit! Somebody's got to see that scar. Show them that scar. Him. I'm stupid. I called on to that way too late. Showness Gar. Him. Oh, I say, ah! I'm stupid, and I called over that way too late. I was like, oh, that was a gay joke.

Uh-huh. Nice. Thank you. I like where your head's at. Thank you. Do we have to talk on the microphones anymore? Uh, yeah. Okay.

We can keep doing that. Where are we going to eat? Just do it all night. Um, I don't know. I just went to Golden West last night. I just went there Friday, so I don't want to go there. Where do you want to go? I don't know. I just went to Golden West last night. I just went there Friday, so I don't want to go there. Where do you want to go?

I don't care. Somewhere on the Avenue. Okay, that works. Okay. All right, we're going to go. Yeah.

All right, thanks everybody for listening. Bye, everybody. Thank you. Bye. Eat your burrito. A councilman from Dearborn, Michigan

is outraged over a 911 call. He wants to know why no charges have been filed against a police officer who admits to confiscating marijuana from suspects and then baking it in brownies. Once he and his wife were full and high, they thought they'd overdosed and called 911. I think I'm having an overdose, and so is my wife. Overdose of what? Marijuana. I don't know if it had something in it.

Can you please send rescue? Do you guys have fever or anything? No, I'm just, I think we're dying. How much did you guys have? I don't know. We made brownies, and I think we're dead. Time is going by really, really, really, really slow. Well, instead of being charged,

Pruella. Sorry. Instead of being charged... Pruella. Sorry. Instead of being charged, the police department let the officer resign. His wife was not charged either. So far, police officials have not commented on the case. Now, how do you follow a story like that? And?