The Digression Sessions - Ep. 58 - Dan Lisle (It's Been a Lisle)

Episode Date: December 12, 2012

He's back! The super funny comedian and improviser Dan Lisle joins again! We talk scary gangs comprised of 11 year olds, George Washington, and some improv talk. It's a funny one! Follow us on Twitter - @DigSeshPod @DanLisle @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 DigressionSessoins.com [e-mail] for a free Dig Sesh shirt!

Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Coderna. Sitting to my right is the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds, my main man, my co-host, Mike Moran. He's not actually sitting right next to me, but he's normally next to me. He's the co-host of the show. But I'm flying solo on this intro. On today's show, we are joined by the huggable, the lovable, the very funny improviser and comedian, Mr. Dan Lyle.

Dan was in town to celebrate Hanukkah with his family. He says he went to the All-American Girl store, bought a sweater for his niece. Yeah, nice try, Dan. Nice try. But we're glad that he came by to do the podcast. It's always fun to see him, and he's very funny on this episode, as he usually is. We share thoughts on getting attacked by little kids to doing improv in New York and of course Dan's thoughts on George Washington and his new book which details his many quotes of George Washington. But yeah it's a super fun episode so get into it, love it, listen to it many times over, So get into it. Love it. Listen to it. Many times over. Share it with friends.

You can follow Dan on Twitter at Dan Lyle at D-A-N-L-I-S-L-E. And if you need some more Josh Kaderna and Mike Moran in your life, we got some improv shows coming up this weekend. That's right. December 14th through the 16th at the fells point corner theater the baltimore improv group is going to be performing all god damn weekend friday night i will be hosting the show i believe saturday night i'll be performing with my my lovely ladies and gus and then Sunday I'll be performing with Bully Union,

and I'm super pumped to be playing with all those guys. Mike's going to be playing with Pop 6, which is a great troupe. There'll be fantastic people performing all weekend, so please come out to these shows. They're usually pretty cheap. Check out BigImprov.org. BigImprov.org for tickets. And that's almost it for the plugs.

Just the usual stuff. Follow us on Twitter at dig sesh pod. I'm at better robot. Josh Mike is at Michael Moran. 10 Dan is at Dan Lyle and support us on iTunes. Give us a rating, a comment, subscribe,

tell a friend. We appreciate it. And yeah, we have free shirts. So if you want a free shirt, hit us up on the Twitters. But yeah, let's get into the show. No more plugs.

People probably don't even listen to this, right? You guys don't fucking listen to this. Yeah, why the fuck would you care? If I could tell these people how I act. I made my equalizer joke. Oh, this guy I work with was on an episode of The Equalizer. What is The Equalizer? It was a TV show in the 80s about this old guy who went around and solved problems for people. Martin Luther King? It was sponsored by Equal.

You know what this situation needs? Some Equal. The Equalizer. Martin Luther King was the Equalizer. He went around and he solved problems for people that weren't equal. It was about Martin Luther King. So anyway, I have this joke thing. There he is, the Equalizer.

That's much. Why is there not a Martin Luther King superhero show? All right, sorry. Tyler Perry presents Martin Luther King is the equalizer. If it was Tyler Perry, it would be Rosa Parks. Tyler Perry is just a superhero. Because he dresses as women. He produces other shows, though, doesn't he?

Yeah, but he produces them while wearing women's clothes. Really? Uh-huh. All right, what were you going to say about the equalizer? So because jokes... And another thing that I... Go ahead. Because jokes about...

The Dark Knight Rises. Here's the problem I had with it. Why I'm so wonderful. Go. That huge bat that he makes on the Brooklyn Bridge. What was the deal? They're on it. It's going up.

They're on it. You come from the Hannibal Lecter school of making stuff look cool when you gotta get shit done? Hannibal, this is gonna be on the test. At the end, why is he making Alfred sit at a different table? I don't think he made him sit there. That'd be funny if he did, though. I'm on a date, dude.

You're my servant, bro. We're not friends. Also, apparently Catwoman wants to give up her life and live with Brooke Bruce Wayne. Yeah, they're in love. This love thing you speak of, does it really happen that quickly? Sure. Overnight, in weekends? Absolutely.

Romeo and Juliet took like two days. No, didn't they fall in love like instantly? Like when they saw each other? I said two days. You don't get much. Instantly is two days. Really? So when you buy instant oatmeal and you go to make it two days you don't get much instantly is two days really so when you buy

instant oatmeal and you go to make it two days later 48 hour oatmeal it's so quick hey back in the day you would have to travel the oregon trail with the oats in order to risk getting dysentery a town that has a. Go and barter for usage of it. Hey, why don't they go to Washington or Colorado, guys? Washington. Washington. It's Coral-o-rado. Coral-o-rado.

Pay some Irish to put their children in the fire for fuel. Pay some Irish. Is that just a singular person? Is Irish the currency there in that sentence? Yeah, back in early America, Irish was what they used as currency. Irish people.

They used to say, I'll trade you two red for a nickel. He stole all me Irish, he did. One ginger for a red. It was two ginger for a red. Gingers and reds were the same thing. For a black. The reds were Indian people. Whoa.

I was referring to black Irish. Most of these black people prefer being called Indians these days. A recent poll shows that. What? Oh yeah. Say it again. Most Native Americans recent polls have shown, and by recent I probably mean like 12 years ago when I was in high school, that most of them prefer being called the Indian people, not Native Americans.

The Indian people? Yeah. Indians, essentially. Well, actually. I thought you were going to say village people. Whoa. Into the mic. Dan Lyle said village people.

Dan Lyle said village people. Everybody. That's a wrap. Thanks for tuning in to Dan Lyle Says Village people. Dan Lyle said village people. Everybody. That's all right. Thanks for tuning in to Dan Lyle Says Village People. Yeah, I would be offended, too, because you're Native American. No, this wasn't America. You could have gotten around to that 500 years ago. Right.

You made a mistake and didn't correct it until 1992. Right. And now you want me to go to something else? Yeah, but also it's offensive because this wasn't America to them. It's like, you're a Native American. Right, yeah. No, no, no. This wasn't America, you asshole.

Yeah, they were Native savages. If you were to refer to them by whatever, I guess, tribe, if you were to say Cherokee, no one's going to be like, do you mean the Cherokees in the United States or the Cherokees in India? I would. Now, is that the Sioux in Bangladesh or? They're indigents. Yes. You know, a lot of the tribes didn't exist until the war.

That's why they say engines? Yeah. I always like that too, old prospect. A bunch of engines been about here. The engine hasn't even been invented yet, old prospect. I just read a book by Cormac McCarthy and that popular... Was it Blood Meridian?

The popular word that black people use that I will not use. They used to describe everybody who wasn't white. Everybody. The Native Americans and the Irish Asians. I said who wasn't white. Have you ever seen An Irishman suntan

They don't get You don't get whiter than that Yeah but they didn't count As like As dignified white people In old school America The Irish

Are you recording this yet Cause I'm gonna use the N word Yeah I'm about to too I have a story to say That involves it actually Should we all say it At the same time Can we say that

But then not put that On the internet Where my mom might hear it All at the same time We're gonna say that and then not put that on the internet where my mom might hear it? At all at the same time, we're going to say the N-word on three. Ready? You ready? On three. One, two, three.

Nigeria. Okay. It'd be funny if one of us just screamed the actual N-word. Where were you on that one, you guys? What happened? Screamed it. Finally, my kids. Yeah, so we'll have covered this in the intro,

but Dan Lyle is who we're speaking to. I'm going to make it so you're looking at me on my right side because apparently that's how you garner respect. No, you want them to be in the right of their periphery. Hold on. Dan Lyle just spilled. Can you go grab one of the million paper towels that Mike Moran got us earlier from downstairs?

I'm a guest here. So you can spill? I'm a guest. I will own this podcast. Because I want people to wear those. It's a good time to plug. We have free digression sessions. Shirts, ticker. Really?

We have tickers. You want a digression sessions ticker? You got it! Ticker tape parade! We have free digression sessions t-shirts. Anybody wants one, get at me on Twitter. We also have free digression sessions compliments.

If you come up to either of us, we will compliment you. Hey, I would like one of those. Okay, that's true. If you come up to either of us, we will compliment you. Uh-huh. Hey, I would like one of those. Okay, you can have it. Did you find a large shirt? No, no. All you had was one or two smalls and the rest mediums. Do you think you can stitch together

a couple of them? Do I look like Betsy Ross? I didn't want to say anything. You've been wearing that bonnet for a long time. She didn't really invent the flag, FY've been wearing that bonnet for a long time. She didn't really invent the flag, FYI. It's a myth.

Her family perpetrated it. Who did? Actually, I'm playing Assassin's Creed. I don't remember. Wasn't her, though. She's in Assassin's Creed? Yeah. No, see, you want it on the other side of your cord.

Because this is going to move. See, there you go. Sorry, I had to help Dan with his drink so he could spill it again. It sounds like they're ripping off my bit about historical figures fighting in video games. What is she doing in Assassin's Creed? Homesteading. She doesn't actually fight? No.

Okay, good. Although she does have an abusive husband that you have to beat up. Really? Because you're all like, Betsy! Give me another beer! Stitch me another flag! I said five point of stars! It's like, President Washington, I made you this.

That sucks! Go back and make me another. Get out of my sight forever. That's how George Washington talked. That's what George Washington talked? That's how he talked. That's how he talked what? Well, that's the book that Dan's here to promote.

That's what George Washington talked. That's what George Washington talked. A novel. It's just a bunch of quotes that Dan made up trying to pass off as George Washington. It's an historical novel. If you drop toast on the floor, just make sure it wasn't the butter side. Because then you'll have to throw it away.

Otherwise, it's fine to eat. Who is this Hello Kitty person? George Washington. Who are these Hello Kitties? How did Batman get out of the Middle East? Back to America. Ye old Jerry Seinfeld. How did Batman get out? You don't know if that was the Middle East? Back to America. Ye old Jerry Seinfeld. How did Batman get out?

You don't know if actually that was the Middle East. What is the deal with dysentery? What, should we all start washing our hands or separating ourselves from dead bodies? Okay. Stamp tax? I don't have stamps. Who are all these people taxing stamps?

Smallpox. Smallpox? More like tinypox. I see the taxation, but where's the representation? Did you just say lactation without representation? Yes, I did. That is brilliant. That's for all the babies out there.

That's for when you have to... Hot babies. When you sell your breast milk to people that can't produce breast milk, that's lactation without representation. Look, I did that once. Did you really? Yeah, of course. Youation without representation. Look, I did that once. I wish you'd stop. Did you really? Yeah, of course.

You did the joke or you did the... No, I've been lactating for a while and selling it. We should all figure out how to lactate and do it. Because you know how men can sometimes lactate? I've heard tale of that, but how does that happen? Does it normally happen after their wife has... I've heard that. If that's where your nipple is, you have an incredibly low nipple.

Is your nipple really that far down? You're almost at your belly button. That's your belt loop. I tuck my moves into my belt. Your moves. Making moves. I got the moves like Jabba. I stole that from the internet.

Wait, what were... I want to give credit to the internet So the internet doesn't Send me a Facebook post and says Hey I made that joke Hey look I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything I know it was probably coincidence But you know I've been saying that joke for a while

Dan that's the internet talking to you I got you Maybe you heard it and didn't remember That's cool I'm not trying to cause a beef or anything. Guys, I want to get to two things. Sorry. Dan, what were you about to say? I was just wondering if there was a Facebook page for the internet that I could like.

Do you like the internet? I like the internet. The internet's like nice. Who wouldn't say yes to that? Thanks, guys. Yeah, really. You're on the internet. You have to like it.

I know. That's like the God hates fags people showing up and exercising their freedom of speech and talking about how much they hate the government and soldiers. It's like, you wouldn't be there if it weren't for them. Yeah. That's the problem with America and why we're working to take it down. Right, guys? Let's all put on black shirts and take care of America.

Speaking of which, do you have a question for Professor Griff? No. Mike, we're cutting that segment out. What? First of all, it kills the momentum of the show. We are not cutting Professor Griff. It normally goes nowhere. And you should have asked Dan before the show. Do you have a question for Professor Griff?

As I said before the show. They did not discuss before the show. Go did not discuss before the show. Go ahead. This is great. I'm really enjoying this part of the show. We're really ramping up the energy here. Dear Professor Griff, what do you think we can do to keep the momentum going in digression sessions?

Great. Moving on. Now, number one. Our only celebrity connection. And you're flushing it down the crapper. Discuss it before the show. It puts the guest on the spot. They don't know.

Anyways, let's... You're recording the moment I walk in the door. Well, you should have texted him before and let him know. No, not whatever. Anyways, moving on. Dan, how do men lactate? Mike Moran, you can also answer the question. Because I don't know. I don't know.

They squeeze real hard. They stray. That's the only thing preventing milk shooting out of my nipple is just squeezing. Mike Moran, rebuttal? I don't know. As you fondle it. I've heard stories of people playing with men's nipples and them squirting milk. I've heard that when a man, when his lady has a baby, then they can start to lactate. She dies or something.

Yeah, sometimes. But I don't think that's true. I've read that, too. No, I think I read that on some reliable source like Snopes. Reliablesource.com? I'm reliable. Dot org? Yeah, it was on Rotten.com.

And therefore, it must be true. Yeah, I can't believe they sold it. I can't believe Rotten.com sold out with their movie rating site, Rotten Tomatoes. Anybody? Come on. Come on. I tried. Oh, you made me go all the way over there for that joke.

I did. That was a long haul for nothing. So the Octomom's a porn star now. Yeah. Well, I think she did like one movie by herself, right? She should totally have eight penises in her at once. Octomom. Octo penetration.

Maybe it's that first time, isn't it? Is that how it works? How's she not doing a Spider-Man parody with Doc Ock? You know? Good thinking. Like there could be the Doc Ock guy instead of like the huge tentacle arms or just a bunch of penises shooting from his back. Let me ask you guys this. I just thought

of something. You know how when you have twins, if they're not fraternal or if they're not identical, it's like two different eggs being fertilized, right? I don't know, but doesn't the egg split? I thought it was two sperms go into the egg and then it

splits. It's only one sperm per egg, but when it splits, they're identical. When two eggs get fertilized, they're fraternal. Now, what if you have two penises in you the same night? And they both spooge. Yeah. Can, like, two different

eggs get fertilized by two different sperms? I've actually heard that sperms go to kill other sperms. They do. But in the event that there are fraternal twins, two of them survive. Now, are we talking like double penetration and they both happen to come at the exact same time? No, because you can't get pregnant in the butt.

You mean two in the... No, I mean like two penises in the vagina at the same time. No, just like this one after another. And also, I'd like to... Actually, it doesn't even have to be like a threesome situation. It can be a few days apart. I'd like to refute that you can't get pregnant up the butt after we talk about this, but continue.

What I remember from when I was in medical school is nothing, because I was not in medical school. Why are you asking two non-doctor questions? Our expertise is in flowers and gardening. Do you think if a woman were to have a female-female-male threesome, what if she swallowed some female eggs and then some sperm and then she got pregnant in her belly? It would not incubate.

I don't think so, yeah. Stomach acid would destroy it. I'd be incubating if I saw that happen. Two chicks. And you were listening to Incubus at the same time. I'd be incubating if I saw that happen. Two chicks. And you were listening to Incubus at the same time. Anyways, guys, the next issue I wanted to get to. Incubus is actually how the sperm in the egg get to the ovary.

I'm here for the Incubus? Yeah. That's us, the Incubus and ovary. Hey, man, I'm just trying to incubus? Yeah. That's us, the incubus at Overeem. Hey, man, I'm just trying to catch this incubus. If you got it, you can help me out. Damn, incubus late again. Egg's going to be all pissed off at me. So I've been saving all the good stuff.

When do we start? As soon as I hit record. Okay, next thing I wanted to get to. I was recently accosted by what I believe to be an 11-year-old boy at Target. And this is where the N-word is going to be involved. He called me the N-word. Oh. Now, okay.

So Target. Which N-word? Income poop. I was very offended. That would be, too. Don't yell at me with your old-timey slang. Especially one that has the word poop in it. He said, probably a carpetbagger, too.

And I about cried. It's terrible. So, Target is in maybe not the best neighborhood. Mondawmin is that what we're talking about here? Yeah, Mondawmin Mall, which is not the nicest mall. I actually used to hang out there almost every day. Really?

When I went to BCCC, I'd go to lunch there all the time. Really? But it's predominantly a black mall. Yeah. Right. But it's not bad.

It's just a lot of black people I'm going there. Because it's across from what, Coppin State? It's across from Coppin and down from BCCC. Right. Okay. But the target's fine like i never really have a problem there right you know um but i stopped there on my way home from work because it's on my way and uh as i was leaving target there are like three kids by the door they're all on mountain

bikes and i was parked on the side lot so i had to walk to the side of target and one of the kids on his bike he starts following me. He's like, hey, you need help with your bags? Which is like a common thing in Baltimore. Right, right. Kids will wait at the gas station and be like, can I pump your gas for a dollar? He's like, no, I don't need you to do that. So the kid who was behind me is like, need help with your bags?

He's like, no. He's like, you got 50 cent? No. You got a dollar? Yeah. And I was like, no. And then I i get to my car and he comes up from behind me he's on the other side of my car and he's looking at me and he's like i know you got money with this ugly ass car and then like i'm like because you obviously didn't spend it on your car

yeah exactly so it's like what what's happening i'm like kind of laughing I'm like what's going on now And I'm about to get in my car And he's like fuck you bitch ass nigga Fuck with me As he's like riding away And I'm like what's going on I have so much pent up anger That just hearing that story makes me want to find this kid and run him down But here's the thing

That goes through my mind There's no good scenario in that situation. You either get beat up by an 11-year-old or you beat up an 11-year-old. There's no way to brag about that. What you want to do is make him see the error of his ways and have a complete epiphany. Start crying. Thank you so much, sir. I'm going to go home and do my homework.

I realize the error of my ways the christmas spirit god bless you everyone so it was just such a weird thing where yeah because it kind of made me mad it's like all right well let's fight like i'm gonna fight an 11 year old it's like no that's crazy and then uh i told amanda my girlfriend about it later she's like oh those kids terrify me like what do you mean she's like, this similar thing happened where a guy was stopped at a red light. The kids came up and started cleaning his window. I'm like, all right, you give us a dollar. He's like, I'm not going to give you any money.

And they ended up smashing his window and punching the guy in the face. Oh, my God. And she was talking about how kids. Why even clean the window at that point? Just don't demand the money. They do an expert job detailing his car really quick. Because when you call the cops, the cop will be like, well, he did you a service.

Why didn't you give him the dollar? That's what the kid's thinking. The cop just beats him up too. Also, she brought up the kids are just fearless because they don't know real repercussions. When I was 17 or 18, I think I was 17, I drank some very good beer.

I was working as a telemarketer in Colombia. And me and my buddy got... Hola, hola, hola. Me amo. Bien, savings. Me amo, Dan. Mucho newspaper. Soy Dora.

That's the only Spanish I i know i am dora i thought it was just so uh anyway josh continues so he called me the n-word go Go ahead. My buddy and I were mugged by 14 or 14 guys? There were 7 of them. Oh yeah, you told me about this. And they're just running by and they're

punching as they run by. The run punch. And it's like, what do you do here? It's like, I'm being beaten up by little kids. Yeah. But there's enough of them that even if I were like zombies, you know, and plus you probably take one ever thrown a real punch. It would have been like that fight club punch where you just box their ear.

Yeah. Right. One a year. Fuck, man. You hit me in the ear. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing, too, is I can't fight either.

Still angry at them. Still wish I'd run them over. Yeah, yeah. That's how my mind works, too. Two in the morning, sometimes I can't sleep, and I just realize, oh, my God, I'm still pissed off about being mugged by a bunch of kids 20 years ago. Right, yeah. I find myself getting pissed off to adults that were rude to me when I was 16 working at places. You know what I mean?

Like, come on. That'll still happen to me in the shower if your mind just wanders. Right, right. Like, fuck that kid. If I saw him today, I'd be like... Yeah, that's the worst feeling. It's easy to forget that 99.9% of people that I've met in life have been cool to me. Yeah.

No, it's just those things where you didn't do anything. Right. It's like, I wish... Come on, be logical. You're just those things where you didn't do anything. You're just like, I wish. Be logical. You're an adult. I'm like 16. I don't fucking control the prices of Burger King. It'd be funny if you did, though. Do I look like Burger Prince to you?

You do. Burger Prince. Hi, I'm Prince. I'm going to assassinate Burger King. Burger Prince. One day this will all be mine. Dad says when he turns 60 he's going to retire and leave 51% of this place to me. Big changes on the way.

So I wanted to discuss that because it's just a weird phenomenon of little kids. It's such a weird thing right that they can just i do whatever they want yeah yeah i mean i kind of felt that that way when i was a kid you know i didn't know not that i was that bad but like i definitely felt like if i get in trouble i get in trouble you know it's not like i'm you're just facing like severe consequences you weren't assaulting people breaking car windows uh being a complete asshole because that kid was a total dick to you. And that kid made you feel bad.

And that kid's out there. His whole. What does he need that money for? He probably would rather be an asshole than come home with a dollar. He has terrible bargaining skills, too, by the way. 50 cents, a dollar. Well, first he wanted to do me a service. And then he did.

It's like, no, I don't have to do that. Well, give me some money then. You have an ugly car Yeah I wonder That's how capitalism works If he carried your bags Would your bags have made it to the car? He probably would have rode off

With my Red Baron pizza I gotta tell you If somebody steals from me and runs I'm gonna be like I'm not running after him That's all I'm gonna do Is sigh heavily One time in high school

Me and Chris Like ran into Shake your fist a and Chris ran into some yo boys and we offered to smoke them up because we were just hanging out with them and we had some pot and we got them high and everything. And then they stole our pot and ran. Yeah, isn't that lame?

I hate that. No good deed goes unpunished. George Washington said that. You can read all about it In my new book The thing is He carved it in the cherry tree Right before he cut it down

No good geek doesn't Put his jaw And then he made His teeth out of it I like how that story The I cannot tell a lie story Is totally fabricated Oh yeah

Like the story About not telling a lie Is a lie Right That's good You should use that as a bit I just did Thanks for coming

Tip your waitress Too late a bit of them guys You think they say that at barnyard parties Tip your cow on the way out But okay I expect a lot of teenagers to be sociopaths You know Like in high school I look back and I was like

Everybody was a fucking asshole. But when you're an adult and you still do that shit, no. No. No. No! I need to carry around the newspaper and be like, no.

Bad. Don't do that. Stick your nose in it. Stick your nose in your bad deed. Adults that still don't get the idea that it's wrong to take stuff that isn't yours. Yeah, or just be an asshole in general. Right. Well, I mean, I don't know.

Some people just aren't introspective and their parents weren't either. They're just not willing to learn. Do you think people like that are really hurting on the inside because they feel like inauthentic, weak humans? No, I just think it's just all they've ever known. But yeah, I don't think they have an existential crisis brewing within them.

But I feel like at times in my life when I've been selfish, there was something inside of me. Well, I think that you're an intelligent guy who's looking to do better. Josh, are you hitting on me? I haven't been playing footsie with you for not. Are you saying that that kid who was a dick to you is not an intelligent person? Yeah. Did you hear his bargaining skills?

I did. Yeah. But there are intelligent assholes, too. I know. Dan Lyle on the podcast today. Fuck you. Hey, that was a smart joke. Come on. Hey, Dan. It was pretty good. I wish Mike had said it.

Dan does look good for, what, 41? Yeah, I don't like to let out my age. You should never ask a woman her age. That's a non sequitur. That has nothing to do with me. I'm just letting everybody know. I feel like old people get the lines above their mouth connecting their nose to their mouth.

I'm not getting a whole lot of that. I can appreciate that. There's a painting in my attic, though, that just looks gross. What? That was a literary reference. Is that John? No, wait.

Picture of Dorian Gray Gray who is a comic. Violet Gray. Dan, if you want to check your phone, feel free at any time during the podcast.

I've noticed you've been doing it a lot. I don't know. I left my phone downstairs. I want you to know that it's okay. What are you talking about? Have we started recording?

I don't know. So anyways, let me tell you about this fucking black kid. Are we? Oh, we're recording. Let me start the show for you guys. I feel like it's your favorite pair of earbuds. Hey. Dan.

Oh, yeah. Dan, you. I love you. That's. God damn it. I didn't do that. You did do that How did I do that?

You just yanked the wire And knocked the cup You just stole my series collection of the wire Yank the wire, spill the cup Dan Lyle screws it up Everybody's got to go And Dan Lyle's on the show Dan, you recently shaved your facial hair why go I had this facial hair for so long that underneath

yeah I was wondering if I even had skin or if underneath it was a nexus to another world turns out skin what happens if you get like a cancer or something on your face you don't realize it because you have a full beard? Does that ever happen? That must happen to people. Like skin cancer? Yeah. I mean like a tumor or something?

I think you'd be able to feel. Yeah. But not if you just have like a mole that gets cancerous. I mean it'll get like itchy but like. Yeah. You die. And that's why the Surgeon General does not recommend that anybody grow a beard or mustache. That's why you have to wear that warning whenever you have a beard, just like a pack of cigarettes.

You have to put a little sticker of Surgeon General's warning. Right. Yes. Maybe cancer under here. I wonder if there's a higher rate of death for guys with beards when it comes to skin cancers. I feel like if that was remotely significant, there would be a warning. From who? Mother Nature when you grow a beard?

From your just-for-net man. Like, it shows up in your dreams? Just to let you know, I'm required by the FDA to tell you that. Wait, the FDA? Surgeon General to tell you that you're growing a beard. No, but if you grow out a beard, your manliness will attack tumors. That's part of it. Oh, yeah.

You'll have increased. By growing a beard, you increase your testosterone exponentially for every hair that grows on your face. Which is why my voice is now three octaves higher than it was two days ago. I know. You sound like. I used to sound like this. Whoa, there it is. This is how I talk.

But now I'm talking like this. Can you talk about Hanukkah in that low voice? Let me tell you something about Hanukkah. Hey, low it is. This is how I talk. But now I'm talking like this. Can you talk about Hanukkah in that low voice? Let me tell you something about Hanukkah. Hey, low voice Dan, I heard you bought a gift for your niece for Hanukkah. Can you tell me all about it? That's right. I went to the American Girl store at 10 a.m. At 10 a.m. on Fifth Avenue in New York City, the American Girl store is completely packed.

With pussy. You could say that. I did. With rich women and their children. A.K.A. Pussy. I bought my niece a cardigan for her doll. You got her a cart

again? Why not get her a present this year? I bought her a pony last year. Now I needed to get a cart. I understand. I should have bought the cart to put before the pony. You put the pony before the cart. Classic mistake.

She had nothing to carry things in. She just had this pony to lead around. This is good. This is my Batman voice. Really? That's your Batman voice. This is my Batman voice. Really? That's your Batman voice? This is my Batman voice. What, does he have a lisp now? But you couldn't be Batman with a lisp, right?

Like, stop feeling. I feel like Christian Bale almost does have a little bit of a lisp. I am the knight. Oh, there's no S's in that. So it doesn't, my example does nothing. Hey, slow down. Slow down. Why are you trying to kill...

Again, no S's. Batman, have you noticed that? Maybe he does have a list. Batman never uses the letter S. He just tries to avoid it as much as possible. Oh, yeah. Scarecrow. He never actually said scarecrow, though. You're scaring me.

What was the girl's name? Catwoman. Again, no. That's his Alfred. Lucius Fox. Lucius. Lucius. Lucius Fox.

Lucius. They like dumb it over. Mr. Wayne. Mr. Wayne. Lucius Fox. Let's get out of here. Lucius. Mr. Wayne, please stop pronouncing my name.

I have the best friend in the whole world. So how's New York treating you, Dan? Speaking of Gotham. It's good for a city that's not Gotham, which is in Chicago. Really? You think that's what it's not true? Well, the movies were based. They used the base Chicago.

No, they use Chicago as the backdrop. Yeah, but in this most recent movie, guys, The Dark Knight Rises, it was Chicago, Pittsburgh, New York, and L.A. Actually, I don't think they used Chicago at all. I think they did. They used Chicago and Dark Knight, but Dark Knight Rises, they used Pittsburgh, New York, and L.A. And I think Lutherville, weirdly. Yeah. Lex Lutherville? I thought that's where they were filming

Superman. That's why he's so mad, because it's not called Lex Luther. Who's playing Lex Luther in the new Superman movie? Possibly nobody. I have no idea. Oh, yeah? I know nothing about it except for it's another superhero movie where he's got that mesh in his costume.

I like the mesh. You got a problem with the mesh? I do have a problem with the mesh. Gelgamesh. I don't know. We were talking about Gelgamesh. In the comic books years and years ago, there was something. I don't know if it was Invasion.

I think it was Invasion, which was a crossover for DC Comics. Here we go. Where three types of aliens banded together to attack Earth. Uh-huh. And they had a map in the back of every comic that came out one month. And they had a map. In this map, they showed you where Metropolis was. Really?

And where Gotham was. And Gotham was in Jersey, and Metropolis was in Delaware. What? I think I knew that, strangely. Yeah. And I don't know if it's ever been repeated since then. So Superman's like, of all the places, Delaware. The big city.

The city of tomorrow. He grew up in the farms of Delaware. What's Delaware's big city? Wilmington. And it looks like nothing's been built since like the 70s yeah you can kind of see from the branch like everything's brown like there's no like that was so weird yeah like i hate that 70s architecture where everything's just so drab yeah everything was brown too yeah it's pretty cool right yeah like the brown concrete feel it's like was every

architect just depressed in the 70s like fuck it fuck it, I don't care. Just put a big block. Or maybe they just haven't painted since then. It's just all just dulled. When I was a child in those self-same 70s. Did you say when I was child? When I was with child. When I was with child. When I was child. When I was a boy in the 70s.

I thought Delaware was just the road you took to get from Baltimore to Philadelphia. Did not realize it was a whole state with people living in it because, have you seen it? It's pretty much just the road you take to get from Baltimore to Philadelphia. I have. Why did I say it like that? An old Tommy Fyre.

Back in the day, 1977. I'm in Delaware I want to go to a screen door factory What were we just talking about? New York How's New York going? New York's going great You live in Queens? I live in Queens

Are you the king of Queens? I'm not hearing a no. Is that what they're saying? No, they lived in Delaware. As Eddie Murphy once said, we're better to find a queen than Queens. That was great. That was a perfect impression.

Yeah, that was good. Yes, I'm Gumby, damn it. That was Bane doing Gumby. I'm Gumby, damn it. Batman. Have you run into any more famous people? I have not. I have not seen any famous people.

I saw Bon Jovi a couple months ago. I stood next to Bon Jovi for a couple of minutes at a club. John Bon Jovi or one of the other Bon Jovis? It was John, the head of the clan, Bon Jovi or one of the other Bon Jovis? It was Jon, the head of the clan, Bon Jovi. Oh my god, he's the head of the Ku Klux Klan. I thought he was just a grand wizard. I thought he was such a nice guy, too.

He has that free restaurant in New Jersey. Isn't that weird that the ranks in the Ku Klux Klan are grand wizards? Isn't that the highest? It's very D&D. I don't like that D&D shit. I like to keep my racism away from my science fantasy.

Have you ever seen old photos of the original first ever Klan right after the Civil War? Klan McLeod. Is it them with 27-sided dye and they're like, ah, you burned the cross. They're like, yeah. No, they're freaking horrifying, though. In those really old pictures, they really looked like ghouls. It was really scary.

Like their masks? The masks had skeleton faces and shit. Yeah. You can tell it's just a bunch of rednecks with nothing to do. They were like the original Juggalos. They just wanted to get drunk and hang out. Kind of like mix the horror with the hate.

Yeah. Not that Juggalos are mix the horror with the hate. Yeah. Not that Juggalos are big. It's not. No. Juggalos come up on this show probably way more often than they should. Yeah. I don't mind it, but it's just weird. For two guys who are trying to hide their ICP fandom, we probably bring it up way too much.

We're not doing it very good. Juggalos. How the fuck do they work? Well, they work just like everyone else, Dan. I mean, they have jobs. It's not like they... Yeah, they live in their mom's basement. They have terrible Faygo habits that they're trying to work through.

They're experiencing the miracles of physics. Questioning reality. The miracles of physics. The miracle whip of Physics. What if they had like a ICP physics or like a little round table discussion where they discuss. Dr. Shaggy too dope. Yeah.

The questions of the world that come up. I'd watch that. They had wrestling for a while. There was ICP wrestling. I remember watching that. They were in the WWF. They were? Yeah. When they were wrestling it was ICP Wrestling. I remember watching that. They were in the WWF. They were? Yeah, when they were wrestling, it was part of that. You're talking about the World Wildlife Foundation, right?

Yeah. With the panda. They put a panda against a tiger in a ring with four, they call it the squared circle. Oh, okay. They came up with that. Interesting. That's why they got to keep the name. Oh, interesting. You're full of facts. Interesting. That's why they got to keep the name. Oh.

Interesting. You're full of facts. You would think they would get to keep the rock. Rock's wildlife, right? A rock? I rock. The rock? It's not really life.

The rock. It's certainly wild, though, if used in the right context. Wildlife? Rock's gone wild. Look at those rocks. Granite. Quartz. Wow. Remember the movie Nell? Life, rocks gone wild. Look at those rocks. Granite, quartz. Remember the movie Nell?

Yeah, I saw it in the theater. That's where they got the idea for Girls Gone Wild. Retarded, topless girls. I'm so sorry I said that. Yeah, I think she actually pulls up her top at one point. She's like, eh. Yeah, I think some douchey up her top at one point And she's like Yeah Wow I think some douchey guys

Get her to like Right Strip for them Let me ask you guys this When you were much younger What was like The Earliest movie

Like something like that That's kind of creepy But you're kind of coming Into your own Masturbation wise Like what was Like did that give you A boner when you saw it

Were you Everything Everything boob related Pretty much yeah I think that I don't think I had into your own masturbation wise? Did that give you a boner when you saw it? Everything. Everything boob related? Pretty much, yeah. I don't think I had one negative boob exposure until the internet. And then you had choice. I would probably see a 90-year-old woman's breasts.

I'm picturing a guy at a photo hut in the 90s looking up, it's a negative boob. So sad. Negative boob. Why can't I think of it now? The Stephen King movie with Jack Nicholson. The Shining.

The Shining. We don't want to get sued. When the woman gets out of the bathtub and she looks normal in her boobs, but then it cuts back and she's all scabby. I think that actually did kind of freak me out. It was worth it for a bit. Yeah, exactly, the first part.

Dan, do you have a similar experience? Ever had a bad boob experience? No, I'm new. I cannot say. Oh, I saw my grandmother Coming out of the bathroom once Was she naked? Does she take her poops naked like I do sometimes?

I had a friend when I was little that would do that Sometimes you just have a real serious one And I have to get naked You never know where it's going to land That's why I get naked Dan, you ever get naked while you poop? I never get naked. Dan, you ever get naked while you poop? I never get naked. Your appearance, that was very quick.

So you saw your grandmother come out of the bathroom completely nude. Yeah, well, not completely nude, but topless. And I was like, uh. Why did she do that? What? I don't think she realized that I, I don't know, she's old. Did she do that? But it was like, ah, 85-year-old boobs.

Was she wearing pants or anything? She had a pants suit on up to her waist. That's what I'm picturing. She just comes out. Hello, gloves. Hello, Daniel. That's a hat on. If I recall correctly, she was wearing some sort of grandmotherly girdle panties.

I didn't stare long. And when she saw me, she stepped back and closed the door. But it's just like one of those moments that's burned in your eyes. Oh, yeah. Did you acknowledge it after? I was like nine or ten. I just remember it and being like, ah. So what were they like?

You had a stroke? In the bathroom later, thinking about it? Well, you made the face, like the whole left side of your face. I think he had a stroke in his bed that night. Maybe two or three. Grandma titties. Wow, that's a quick masturbation. That's impossible because when I saw this, I was in Florida at her house.

Boom. So it could not have been in my bed. Okay, well, explain how magnets work then, Mr. Smart Guy. Okay, so what kind of boobs are we talking here? Grandma boobs. Big grandma so what kind of boobs are we talking here? Grandma boobs. Big grandma boobs? Small grandma boobs? I don't want to do this.

The more I think about this, the more I'm really sorry I'm having this conversation. Did you ever see her vagina? No. We'll switch gears. We don't have to talk about it. Did you ever have a bad vagina experience? Have you ever had a vagina and you're like, whoa? Whoa, Nelly. Have you ever had a vagina and you're like, whoa. Have you ever had a vagina?

And you're like, whoa. Because I guarantee tomorrow I have a vagina. I will be like, whoa. And then I'll have to cancel my train and spend some time really getting to know me. Tell the conductor. Don't cancel your train. It's not worth the money. Just sit with it and then figure it out when you get home.

Sit with your vagina. Do you think Mythbusters is ever going to do an episode on the female orgasm? No. I don't think either of those guys would know. That went over real well. Take that guy with his stupid

labrad mustache. No, they won't. No. I'm thinking the guy with the mustache crushes pussy. It has to be. I hate people that have to take on a look like that. It's like, come on. You don't really want to look like that.

You're not a walrus, bro. You don't live in Paris in the 1800s. Oh yeah, he does wear that beret as well. Whatever. Dan, have you ever wore a beret? Were you ever a green beret as well. Whatever. Dan, have you ever wore a beret? Were you ever a green beret? Answer my question first. No.

No to his or no to mine? No, but no to both of you. I do not believe I've ever worn a beret. Nor am I a green beret because if I was, at some point I probably would have worn a beret. That's true. Have you ever used a bidet?

Yes. Have you really? Yes. What was it like? It was another toilet machine. The bidet was next to the toilet. Pretty hate toilet machine. It was in a hotel in Philadelphia.

Is that Trent Reznor's house? So you actually have to pants around your ankles, finish at this one, and then sort of scoot over to that one, use the bidet, and then scoot back to dry yourself off. There may be a better way to do it, but there was no instructions. There's no manual

with the bidet. So you've purchased a bidet. I think that if you're at a hotel that's fancy enough to have a bidet, there should also be somebody standing there to say, sir, would you like to know how to use the bidet. I think that if you're at a hotel that's fancy enough to have a bidet, there should also be somebody standing there to say, sir, would you like to know how to use the bidet? Have you used a bidet before? Super. Who here's used

a bidet? Show of hands. Show of hands. Nope. I'm not opposed to it. Apparently it's a much cleaner toilet paper. Yeah, you get it all out, apparently. That makes no sense to me. Wet naps?

Wet wipes. I think that's pretty good, too. But I think if you get some moisture in there, you're really getting it out. That's with the wet naps. I know. I'm with the spray of water. It's not like it's an enema. It's not shooting into you.

The way I use it, I spread them. I didn't. I have my butt clamped and wide open. I just don't see how a spray of water would be all that effective. I feel like you still need to get a little scrubbage in there. No, you do both. It's both. All right?

You don't just spray your butt and then go on about your day. Yeah, absolutely. I was once down on Wilkins Avenue back when I delivered pizzas right by St. Agnes Hospital. Here we go. Oh, boy. In the Baltimore area. In a little convenience store bodega type place at a strip mall. right by St. Agnes Hospital. Oh, boy. In the Baltimore area. In a little convenience store,

bodega-type place at a strip mall. And inside they had a wall of plastic bidets that I guess you would finish pooping, wipe, shuffle over to the closet, pull out this plastic bidet, put it into the thing, use it, take so many steps. Where does the water come from? Yeah.

I guess you'd fill it with water. What? And then plug it in and it has a pump. But the point is, there was a giant hand... Would you just leave it in your bathroom?

There was a huge handwritten sign on the shelf right in front. It said, because wiping with dry paper is not enough. Exclamation point, exclamation point. Brought to you by

the Bidet Council. It's just like, why are you yelling at me to buy a bidet? There should be a company called Good Day Bidet. Wasn't that a movie with Tom Cruise, Night in Bidet? This is about a man trying to save a bidet named Cameron Diaz. Bidet of the Dead. Day bidet.

Day bidet. Day by day. Oh, sweet Lord. Just taking it day by day right now. Oh, boy. Dan, are you still doing improv in New York? I am. I'm taking classes at the Magnet. Uh-huh.

How's it going? Fantastic. How does that work? I'm at a... I'm actually at a point now where I leave class kind of exhausted and I've learned a lot. And it takes a while to think about what I've learned and understand it before I can use it, which is incredible to hit a point where some of the stuff I'm doing now doesn't come naturally. You've really got to work on it and learn. That's what I need.

That's awesome that you're still learning. How long have you been doing improv? Total? Yeah. No, just today. work on it and work on it and that's what i need that's awesome that you're still learning um how long you've been doing improv total yeah no just today just uh well i haven't started yet but can i offer you a bowl of cereal one more suggestion um i think i took my comedy sports classes in 2005 okay so you haven't been doing that okay so long. Seven, almost eight years. That is it. Okay. I thought you were doing it longer,

which is a compliment. It might have been earlier. I'm not good with dates. Oh, actually, it had to have been at least two years before because of where I was living. Where were you living?

Taintsville. Oh, that's nice. But I remember leaving to drive there. Sure. So how is the magnet different than your other improv learnings? Did you take classes with the Baltimore Improv Group? I did not take classes with the Baltimore.

You just auditioned and they were like, hey, get on in. No, I auditioned and then I auditioned again and then I auditioned again and then I auditioned again and they were like, hey, get on in. How many auditions did it take for you, Josh? One. Right. And Mike, how many for you, Josh? One. And Mike, how many for you? One, actually. Thanks for asking. Did either of you take classes with Baltimore?

Yes. Moving on. Magnets. How do they work? Yeah, I took classes. What of it? Was there something wrong with taking classes? You're taking classes now, buddy. I'm not... Back the fuck off, Dan! What of it? Was there something wrong with taking classes? You're taking classes now, buddy. Yeah.

I'm not. Back the fuck off, Dan. Coming into our house and shit all over us. All right, let's get something straight right the fuck now. And then we do a podcast. This is our podcast. Okay? You are a guest here. If you're just tuning in, this is the Dan Lau podcast.

I'm here with my two favorite earbuds, Mike and Josh. It would be so funny if somebody did fast forward like 47 minutes. Like, oh, it's the Dan Podcast? What would be funny is if I took all of your... Someone tell me. I re-recorded all of your podcasts and put them up on iTunes as the Dan Lyle Podcast. Right. And whenever...

Featuring depression sessions. And you overdub your name over all of our voices. Like, hey, it's me, Dan. And me, Dan. So how are the classes different? What are you learning? What's challenging in Magnet? Because I like to hear about the different schools of thought in improv.

Right. Well, I, having not taken classes at the other theaters in New York, I'm not positive. Compare it to, like, Big. And what you used to do in the Pop Six I'm not positive. Compare it to Big. What you used to do in the Pop 6 or saw Big do? That's a great question.

Thank you. It's my first one of the podcast. It's hard to address. I've been working on that for three years. 58 episodes in, I nailed it. Basically, what the difference is is big has the three levels and once you get through those three levels uh-huh you audition and well well i kind of mean like ethos kind of like you know i mean is there anything that's different like what magnet

is kind of teaching you that goes against what you were doing here i don't think anything goes against like ucb uh is very game based and they care a lot about uh what's the game of the scene and starting a scene with a premise already in mind magnet feels a lot more like what i've been doing with bottom room prep group um uh there's more discovery about the scene. You can go in and start with environment work. You don't have to know, you don't have to have a preconceived notion to walk in. What you do have to do is be ready to define everything immediately if necessary.

Right, and then you can find the game from there. Yeah, you don't need to walk in and let everyone know that we're in the kitchen and I'm talking to my mom. But you need to be prepared to if you walk into on stage and the person's doing something, somebody's going to have to say, hey, mom. Right. Or whatever. Yeah. If somebody's slicing something, you better say what they're slicing it for.

A lot of discovery. So right now what I'm learning, I'm taking a class called Special Effects with one of my favorite performers from The Magnet, Peter McNerney, who is in a show called Trike, which in my opinion is the best regular show. Yeah, I've heard good things

about your non-podcast show. In New York. My best favorite regular, the best of the very my best favorite best non-podcast in New York. Right. My best favorite regular. My best. The best of the very. My best favorite. Best. Non-podcast. In New York.

Podcast. Shows. Right. God. That's such a prestigious award. They're lucky to get that. Yeah. They only give it out once every 11 years.

Because it's hard to say. Wow. It takes 11 years to get it right. They swept the Lyleys this year. The Lyleys. So what we've been doing in that class. That's not Lyley. Anyway. Go ahead. I've been living a Lylees this year. The Lylees. So what we've been doing in that class. That's not Lylee. Anyway, go ahead.

I've been living a Lyle. John Bennett said that. Mr. Bennett. That's going to be the name of the episode. John Bennett said that. Living a Lyle. Living a Lyle. I saw Dan.

Go ahead. In this class, we've been working on edits, different types of edits. Okay. Instead of just your normal sweep edit. Like tagging people out. We did some tag outs. We did something called swinging door, I think he calls it, which is you have two people facing each other in a scene. And you have sex with their partner.

Exactly. Right. Got it. Exactly. Without a condom. Wow, that's fun. While they're wearing a condom. Yeah. That it. Exactly. Without a condom. Wow, that's fun. And while they're wearing a condom, it's... Yeah.

That makes no sense. You got to get... I assume that must be a problem with gay sex. Like, you got to make sure the condom's on the right penis. Right. I think that generally... Oh, no, we've done it again. I think generally...

You think any, like, dumb kids ever do that? Like, put a condom on. How did this happen? That girl has it on her hand. Finger condom. Right. No, I mean, like, two gay kids, happen? Girl has it on her hand. Finger condom? No, I mean like two gay kids. They put it on the wrong penis.

It's like, no, you got to put it in the one that's... Never mind. This country. Why don't they just make condoms that always are in a guy's butt or a girl's vagina? You can just leave them. Or just on your penis. Oh, actually, that's what the female condom is pretty much, isn't it? Something that goes... Yeah.

Why not just give men permanent condoms that just have a little slot? Like, who goes there? P! That's who. If I were gay and promiscuous right at the bottom, a lot of ifs, but right above my butt

I would actually have a dispenser where you could pull out a condom because that's convenient. For free? It would just get suction cupped on? That's a service I offer. Wow. That's awesome. You've got to do what you've got to do to get promiscuous butt sex.

Very nice of you. How would this attach to your bottom? Suction cup or sticky glue? Sticky glue. Okay. So you wouldn't have it on all the time. Or a graft. It depends.

It depends. Is this promiscuity a lifestyle or is it just a phase I'm going through? Am I ready to commit? Right. That's something you're going to have to ask yourself. That's something I'm going to have to ask myself before I have it surgically attached. Because now you have the wet wipes there. Right.

Well, the wet wipes are actually on the inside of my butt cheeks. Right. Yeah. Why not just make our butts like wet wipes? Why not just make our anuses lined with wet wipes like why not just make our anuses right lined with wet wipes god yeah like uh like in your car when you have a little spritz on your windshield we should just have a button oh my god i got a great idea all right so anus linings wet wipe anus linings they're tubes that you put in your butt that way you don't have to wipe you just change

the the tube every tube yeah i like it. You like it? Sure. Cool. All right. Before toilet paper. Copyright it. And I have never Googled this or Binged it on Google or asked. You Google Bing? I have never asked Jeeves to go to the Google and look it up. But they used corn cobs. Yeah, yeah.

My brother-in-law's parents did that when they lived on a farm. How does that? They just slide it? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Do they eat the corn first? Well, that? They just slide it? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Do they eat the corn first? Well, hopefully they don't eat it after. Good point.

Well, maybe that's where they got the phrase corn in your shit. I don't think they put it up there. I don't think so. That's what you're asking. Actually is what I'm asking. I mean, I don't understand. I think they go north to south with like the crack. I don't understand.

Do you just have a bucket of clean corn cobs over here and then a half-filled bucket of dirty corn cobs over here? You go to sit down, you're like, oh, we're out of corn cobs. It's like toilet paper. I guess they use it as compost, probably, if they're smart. Don't flush more than three corn cobs because we'll have flooding.

I don't think you normally have indoor plumbing if you're still using corn cobs. Can you get double-ply corn cobs? How much corn are these people eating? Oh, is this blue corn? I guess it would end up being exactly equal, like your amounts of food that you're ingesting with how much you wipe your butt.

I guess it would even out. I also heard the Sears... Oh, go ahead. What did they do before they discovered corn? Hands. Really? Yeah, probably. Or did they... I think people just walked around with shitty asses. do before they discovered corn? Hands. Really? Yeah, probably. Hey. I think people just walked around with shitty

assholes. No, people in the Middle East still do that. I don't know which call. No, it's true. Some of them wipe their butts with their hands. According to the Quran, you're supposed to wipe your butt with rocks. I swear to God. This podcast, they were like reading out of the Koran.

Like polished stones. And they just kind of stopped. They're like, why are people wiping their butts with rocks? Why do you have that piece of rose quartz above your toilet? He doesn't know how to use the rose quartz. I think people have been improvising toilet paper for ages. Can I get a suggestion, please? Corn cob?

Thank you very much. Here we go. Pineapple? Why is it always pineapple? Everybody says pineapple. So let me get this straight. You actually wipe your ass after you shit? Okay, in the movie Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves,

when the bad guys call in the barbarians to fight for them at the end. Remember that? No. The historically accurate Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Is this bad guys call in the barbarians to fight for them at the end. Remember that? No. The historically accurate Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Is this the Kevin Costner one? Yes. Okay. I haven't seen it in a long time.

Anything I do, I do it after I poo, so I don't have to stop in the middle and use the bathroom. That's how the song went. Great song. Just kidding. We just don't want a Brian Adams lawsuit. Again. How the hell old was he in 1969, by the way? He'd be like in his 70s now.

Anyway. He is kind of old, right? He can't be that old. Maybe he's five years old, playing a guitar until his fingers bleed. Like, Brian! Get it up! But they say something about, like, they bring in some uncivilized barbarians to fight with them. And they say something about how they don't wash after they crap or something like that.

So maybe that was, like, a sign of, like, being civilized or something. I don't know. Because I don't think Europeans were doing it. Like, some of the earliest butt wipers with tissue, I believe, were the Chinese and, like, Asian cultures. Right. But they were wiping their butts with other stuff. I think so. But it was, like, papyrus or, like, early forms of, like, a paper. Right, but they were wiping their butts with other stuff. I think so, but it was like papyrus or early forms of paper.

I don't know. I'm saying there's probably some people that just didn't do anything. Yeah, absolutely. I think Europeans weren't really doing it either. Maybe that's why they started having missionary sex. Maybe that's why humans started doing it in other positions. Instead of anal sex?

Well, no. Instead of anal sex? Well, no. Instead of from the back. But you're still very close to the butthole, missionary style. Yeah, but you're not looking straight down. Is that what you do when you have doggy style sex? You just look right at it. I don't even move. I just...

Oh, what do we have going on here? Okay. Have you been eating non-fiber? Tip top? Tip top? You bleach. I like this. You bleach your butthole.

Good for you. So clean. Anyway. So clean. Did you want to get a salad later? The Clorox. Oh, boy. So, Dan, if we could circle back to improv, you're done on your phone.

He was born in 1959. So, in the summer of 69, he was 10. It was probably just the only year that would fit into the song melody. It was the summer of 73, 78. Well, he would have been 20 in 79. He could have said 76. What rhymes with 69 in that song? Nothing, but it fits into 9.

I don't know. When does he say feeling fine? It was the fits into nine. I don't know. When does he say feeling fine? It was the summer of 69. I'm feeling fine. You don't remember that? I don't remember that. Everything just fell in line back in the summer of 69. This guitar is mine, oh mine. I guess I should learn to play.

It's time. That doesn't really rhyme. He doesn't really rhyme, yeah. You kind of cheated there. Circling back to improv, what is this swinging door clear? So you have one person, two people in a scene facing each other. Sure. And then a third person will come and stare at the back of the persons in front of their head. So you have now someone in the middle and then they will initiate

a separate scene that is related to the scene that's going on just by talking to the back of that person's head so the person in the middle will then turn around and so you can do like you know i can't believe your mom spoke to you that way and step in as the person's mom and speak to them that way and then they would be turning back and forth gotcha having it's kind of like a split scene right it's like but with one one character in common right and they're sort of they're happening simultaneously yeah i like it yeah and it's difficult it's a little difficult to do um we did stuff like that uh we worked on journey what he calls journeying which is walking in place and having everybody move by you. You know, so you can show that you're moving.

Oh, I like that a lot. Yeah. The class is on special effects. That's awesome. He says, you know, how to do anything that you could do in a movie. Right. Have you seen the Troop two-man movie? The UCB Troop?

No. They do some of that stuff. It's so good. It's two guys and two man movie and like in the beginning they'll do a lot of exposition they'll get i don't know some some suggestions for stuff to include like the one that we saw they had like biker sci-fi whatever and whenever they're doing scenes they're like uh we zoom in on the queen's face so like we'll move to the front of the stage and then like be like right there and they're like all right now we see it from the side and if there's like

stools or chairs I'll move the chairs to the side and they're like we see an overhead shot of like the King screaming like it was so cool and like for a while they just did a lot of exposition they're like they're on their bikes their bikes have a blue diamond that glow I was worried that was gonna be the entire show it's just a lot of exposition. But it was so cool the way it was done. It was like, all right, now reverse frame. And then they would move to separate sides.

But that's pretty cool, just walking in place. And then people, sorry, I was nerding out there for a little bit. I like it. Please continue to nerd out. I like it when people out nerd me. We recently had one of the funnest improv shows I've been a part of. Yeah, definitely. We combined stand-up and improv.

It actually worked for once. And it fucking killed. Yeah, we had a lot of fun. Want me to tell you about it? Well, here it go. We had four stand-ups, Dan, and four troops. Count them. That's eight for everybody following at home. So we had a stand-ups, Dan, and four troops. Count them. Eight.

That's eight for everybody following at home. So we had a stand-up. It was similar to an Armando, but the stand-ups just did their act. Sure. So we had a stand-up go up, perform for about eight minutes, and the troop would go up and use all the stuff from their act to form scenes out of that. And basically it's kind of like doing the third beat of a herald.

The stand-up material establishes the universe and the rules and characters and stuff. Then the troupe just runs with it. It was so fun. It was great. That was the best I've ever seen improv and stand-up mixed together. The right audience, the right people.

Yeah, it was at the Strand Theater. It was great. We had Tim Heckle, Jim Myers, St had... The right audience, the right people. Yeah, I was at the Strand Theater. It was great. We had Tim Heckle, Jim Myers, Stavros Halkias, and Doug Powell. And it was Gus, Bully Union, Pop Six,

and Evan the Loyal. And it was fucking awesome. And I think it's actually going to be a bi-monthly show. Cool. We're going to start doing it. So it swings both ways, stand-up and improv.

Yeah, it's a very liberal show. Absolutely. Yeah, but we'll have to have you down when we do the show again. I liked also how some of the troops were incorporating the stand-up into their improv. Will you type your address into this?

Now you don't have to give me a ride. Is this your phone? Wow, this is the first time you've pulled it out. It's very cold. Just kidding, it's warm because you've been using it the whole fucking time I'm sorry Are you smoking? Who's smoking?

He's getting a blast of albuterol Anyway I just want to say thank you to all the comedians and troops that performed He's getting a blast of albuterol. Anyway, I just want to say thank you to all the comedians and troops that performed. Yeah, it was great. It was so much fun. Yeah, so we'll be doing it again. I like it. I wish that I had been there. Yeah, it was super good.

Thanks for inviting me. I wish there was some footage of it or something. Sorry. Sorry. I was kind of nervous. It actually was really cool. We didn't have one rehearsal altogether. Yeah. It was definitely the right people.

You got the right people. Well, here's the thing. And I felt really good, too, because I put it all together. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back. You couldn't really have a rehearsal for it, because the comics. Right, yeah. Who's got another? I know.

I just wrote an act today for you. If you could do that, more power to you. Well, I think, I mean, like, rehearsal as in, like, here's how it's going to go. I just thought it was so cool and so professional. Like, everybody knows how to do stand-up and how comedy works and improv. It's basically like, you know, we're going to go up, and then we're going to black out the lights. You come up. We're going to host.

Everybody was supporting each other. It wasn't like nobody was, like, being, like, selfish or cynical. Yeah. I remember one time Jim Meyer, I was talking to him and he was like, you do improv? You're funny. What,

what happened? I was like, oh, thanks buddy. You know, I think he actually, I, he specifically said to me,

uh, well, you're funny. So that's, you've got that going against you. Yeah. Yeah. No,

but I think he had actually had a really good time and he performed with Evan the Loyal. He was very complimentary after the show of everybody and so it was really cool. Absolutely. It was super fun. And I think we're going to do it again at the end of February. So I'll let you know all about it.

Anyway, speaking of improv, I have a show tonight in Washington, D.C. Washington. Washington. Washington State or D.C.? D.C. Oh, where crack is legal, but marijuana is not.

Very forward-thinking town. Yeah. Dan, what's the last thing that pissed you off? Guys, what did you do? Go ahead. The last thing that really pissed me off? Yeah. There was a lady who stopped walking up the steps as I was leaving Penn Station as I got off my train today.

Right. She stopped walking and wasn't doing anything. She just decided to take a break walking up and I'm walking behind her and there's a bunch of people. And you know, when you're leaving the train, everybody's a step behind. There's no gap between somebody. Everybody's stopping short and

bumping into everybody. And she's just... See, that is the exact opposite. I wish I was one of those people. I feel like everybody's watching me and judging me constantly. And that I need to watch every little thing I do because I'm going to screw up the I feel like everybody's watching me and judging me constantly. And that I need to watch every little thing I do because I'm going to screw up the social order and everyone's going to point their finger at me. Right. I don't want to slow anything down.

I can't imagine how someone could just be so not caring about what other people think of them that they could just be like, oh. I feel like 85-90% of the time When I say excuse me What I am thinking is You should be saying excuse me to me I say excuse me a lot When other people get in my way I even say When the other person is fucking up And that's how it usually is

People just cut you off And you're like oh excuse me Why couldn't you have said excuse me Make me feel good I also like that she took a break on the stairs. The stairs getting off the train at Penn Station here in Baltimore, it's like 20 steps. It's not like she climbed the Himalayas or anything.

She wasn't gasping for air, that's the thing. She wasn't gasping for air, she wasn't checking her watch, checking to make sure she had her phone. She was just having a philosophical breakthrough, like why do we even need to go upstairs? Oh my gosh. Money isn't real.

I just pictured what my knees would look like if they bent the other way. She goes to check her watch. She's like, time isn't a real thing. Why are things going to be so much better when I get up the stairs? There is water at the bottom of the ocean. Bruce Willis was a ghost the entire time.

If there's land at the bottom of the ocean Then how can you say that The earth is covered in water It's covered in land It's covered in water I want to say something real quick You just brought up Die Hard No I didn't

He looked at me You just brought up Die Hard Thanks for listening I knew that you did But Josh looked at me and said You just brought up Die Hard But I was kind. No, I knew that you did, but Josh looked at me and said, you just brought up diehard? But I was kind of pointing at Dan. Sorry. Little misdirection there.

Dan, you just brought up diehard. Diehard 2 was on last night. Dieharder. Is that what it's called? The last of the okay diehards. Yeah, that's true. Which is the only okay diehard. What are you talking about?

4 was definitely number 2. Wait, which was four? Was that diehard or diehard? Where he learns how to fly an F-14 or something? Yes! That was so bad. Did he? I guess he did live free at the end.

But awesome. No, I did not enjoy it. When all of 695 blows up. Are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm not fucking kidding you. That was so much fun. Did he learn to live free? What?

What? At the end, did he learn to live free? What? At the end, did he learn to live free? I think so. Like communist? That was kind of cool at the end when he shot himself. Like Americans, my friend. You said the same thing about the Bud Dwyer video. The end was kind of cool.

I could have done without that press conference bullshit. Diehard with a vengeance. Live free or diehard just ripped off the faces of death. Yeah. Dan has pulled up an unconnected microphone to his face in a very comedic way. I'm wearing a microphone.

We should have a microphone with nothing. Yeah, you're crushing it on a visual bit on a podcast right now. If we put a microphone stand with an unplugged in microphone. Like the Sid Vicious microphone. I carry Sid Vicious microphone. Yeah, like how they wouldn't plug Sid Vicious in when they would play live. I carry one for hecklers.

I have an unplugged microphone. So when somebody's heckling me, I'm like, hold on, hold on. There you go. And then they beep. Now you can play live. That's what you should have done to those kids at Target. Giving them a microphone. Oh, do you want to take this?

I have four microphones. Here you go, kids. Kids, come on. I don't go to your work and offer to carry people's bags to their cars for 50 cents or a buck. I didn't say your bike was ugly. In Die Hard 2, John McClane is crawling through an air vent just after shit goes south at the airport. And he's like, how the fuck does this happen to the same guy twice? And I'm like john mclean

you naive bastard no idea you've got at least like three more times on this buddy but the third one is directly sort of directly related to him he's used as a pawn yeah but there's no reason why it's directed at him though is it yeah because it's the guy's brother. Yeah, it starts off with Hans Gruber's brother making John McLean go into the city. But wasn't he doing all that to divert the fact that they were stealing gold?

Yeah, it was. But the reason John McLean was involved in Die Hard 3 is because the bad guys contacted him and said, because you're John McLean. But he isn't really vengeful about his brother. He just wanted to make them believe it. No, I think he said he hates his brother. I think they just wanted him to think

this was like this revenge plot. So he didn't even really need to be the guy's brother. He could have just said he was. Yeah, that's true. I mean, just in case John McLean looked on his smartphone to look, did Han Gruber have a brother? He didn't have a brother.

He must be stealing gold. But the Die Hard movies are one of those series where they really just don't acknowledge the other movies except for part one. Did you just say series? No, I said series. No, you did. Are you serious? Serious? But they don't really talk about the other movies except for part one.

Do they refer to part one? Sometimes. Yeah, he goes when they did three. In two, it's definitely a sequel.

They have Walter Peck. Was it Walter Peck? The guy from Ghostbusters? Was he the reporter? Oh, I think he's

around. They definitely have Carl from Family Matters who's the cop in Chicago. They definitely have him. Did you know Die Hard was kind of a remake? Of what? It was based on a book, and there was another movie.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks? It was an old Disney film. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! Die Hard was based on a book, and that book had been made into a movie before. Okay. I'll say this. Die Hard, actually a really good movie. I enjoy it.

Great action movie. Everyone's favorite Christmas movie. Exactly. After A Christmas Story. Two. No, I don't think anybody is saying A Christmas Story 2 is their favorite Christmas movie. Yeah, they are. Who, the director?

No. The press junket specifically says right here it is your favorite Christmas movie. Oh, boy. What were you going to say? I don't remember. Okay. I'm high. Just kidding.

My man. You know what my favorite one is? Is that Vegas vacation. Which Vegas vacation? With Chevy Chase. Oh, okay. You said that Vegas vacation, and I had to make sure. You mean with Mr. Papa Giorgio?

Yeah. Mr. Papa Novelist, you mean, from Webster? Mongo from Blazing Saddles? Let's not get racist. Never saw Blazing Saddles. You haven't seen Blazing Saddles? No. Thanks for... I was going to say those exact same words. What's with people that do that?

On the second time, you're going to be like, I have seen it. You got me. I'm glad you questioned me. Since you said it in that inflection, yes. Right, right. You haven't. All right, I got to get going, guys. Yeah, Dan's just figuring out the microphone now, though.

All right, let's begin. This is actually the front of the microphone. You notice pretty much every podcast these days starts with, are we recording? And now, you guys are on my right. And then they act like it's like unique to them. Like, yeah,

this is how we do it around here. That's true. You sound really clear on that side. I probably should have been using it from that angle. Why don't we, let's restart. Let's start all over.

Let me erase. Tell your joke where you used the N word. Here we are. Your anecdote. Anecdote. Anecdote. I just farted.

All right. That's great radio. You just did. Thank you. It was a small fart. Tiny, tiny fart. Dan, anything that you would like to promote? I'll bring it up in the beginning of the episode as well.

Your Twitter handle? Oh, yeah. Shout out to Deepak Chopra. Anything? At Dan Lyle. Shout out to Deepak Chopra. Anything? At Dan Lyle. Shout out to the internet. You spell that the French way? At Dan fucking Lyle.

Excuse my French. They have a filthy language. I know. They absolutely do. They absolutely do. And again, my Twitter is the only thing of any value that I produce. Okay. Half-assed jokes written at 1.30 in the morning.

Yeah, you're like Jason Ween. That's a half-assed joke right there. Well, if it was more than a half-assed joke, it would be a stand-up routine. That is true. Yeah. Twitter aware. Yeah, you can put some good jokes out there, though. And is true. Yeah. Twitter aware. Yeah. You can put some

good jokes out there, man. And I do, at Dan Lyle. Hey now. I feel like Twitter has killed the one-liner resurgence that kind of

happened in the 2000s, you know? Killed it. I think it's getting it going. That's pretty much all Twitter is. Yeah, but I'm saying as far as doing it

like stand-up acts, doing the one-liners like Zach Galifianakis and... Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. Mitch Hedberg would pretty much just be reading his heroin kill the general in Baltimore.

That one guy's still doing really well. The guy on the couch in Half-Baked, Stephen Wright, is a one-line comedian. Still killing it. He is, but that's because most of his act was written before Twitter. Yeah, but he's still Twittering, and he's doing fine. Is he?

Still tweeting and doing fine. Still tweeting after all these years. Still tweeting after all these years. Remember when Gandhi said, be the tweet you want to tweet? Tweet the tweet you want to tweet.

The only thing you have to tweet is tweet its tweet. When I'm accosted by an angry homeless person, where a homeless person is being a jerk, I tell them to be the change they want to see in the world. Do you really? When they're asking you for change? Yes, and that's why I have all these bruises and cuts on my face. Okay, so at Dan Lyle.

That's why I have boot soup burns on my face. Boot soup burns? Yeah, you can find my Twitter feed at danisfunny.com. Do you have your own website? I do. I have a never updated website. All right. I have almost no information because I am a failure when it comes to actually producing anything solid.

Could you stop yanking on that cord? It just feels so good. You're thinking about your grandmother, aren't you? Daniel, can we get some toilet paper? Also, I've misplaced my shirt. Daniel, I can't find my top. Where are the cord comps? I use my shirt. You're a carpetbagger. I wipe? I use my shirt.

I wipe my butt with my shirt. Back in those days, they used to actually wipe their butts with older turds. We haven't had a conversation. We haven't discussed gift cards. We were so poor, we wiped our butts with our own shit. I caught sweet rights on that one. You use other people's shit. It's like, actually, you use other people's shit.

It's like oil. Oils don't like other oils. So if you have oil, you need to clean up. You use a different type of oil to clean it. Yeah, I don't know if that's right. If you wipe your butt with someone else's shit, it gets all the shit on. No, I liked the way you had the microphone there. It was to the right.

I was respecting you very much. Actually, I'm just looking over at had the microphone there. It was to the right. I was respecting you very much. Actually, I'm just looking over at Bender over there. It's if they're in the right of your periphery. And that's if you're right-handed. Apparently, dogs look at the left side of your face. That's where you emote the most or something like that. Monsa, is that true? Yes.

Oh, good girl. All right, come on. Let's wrap it up here. Let's wrap it up. So, at Dan Lyle, I'll promote that. Go rap battle? Do you want to rap? Can you provide samples?

I'll do a beat. Is it going to be in your mouth? Yeah. All right, I can't go first, though. All right, let's do it. All right, ready? What? Dan Lyle, your face looks weird

Why don't you go and grow back that beard? You know that you look like a fool Trying to sit there telling me to go to school I could beat your asses Trying to audition for big or no classes Bust my rhyme I got picked when I auditioned the first time Trying to audition for big window classes. Bust my rod. I got picked when I auditioned the first time.

What do you got? All right, I'm going to give you another beat. I was totally ready to jump in with that beat. Mike Moran, why you spitting on me while you talk? I'm gonna leave here, I'm gonna go for a walk Yeah, I'm gonna walk down the street, but not far Cause I need you to give me a ride in your car That's right, I took a train here from New York And everyone knows babies come from a store

Come down the chimney like Santa Claus That's right, and dogs have big paws. What? Josh, who do you say? I got to give it to Dan. What? Not only for scientific accuracy about big paws, but just murder. Santa Claus, timely reference.

Yep, whatever. Because tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. And I refer to Santa Claus by his real name, Hanukkah Harry. I'm hanukkah and i refer to santa claus by his real name hanukkah harry i'm hanukkah harry oh boy i've got to go to well who else is going to work on christmas hey asian people you're calling santa asian i don't i mean she's attractive but I think she's a little Hanukkah Harry. Can you hear the clicking of the clock at home, folks? All right, Josh, your turn. No, you guys should go since you won.

All right, I can't really rap. You shaved your face. It's about time. You must think that all ladies wear mace. The amount of times that you try to date rape. I bet your nuts are the size of grapes. If you rent movies, you return them late because you you're rude And you consider yourself a dude But I think if you ever perform

In front of me You'll get booed If your butt touches a seat It gets glued Because you're You're stupid Real dumb Like a bum I feel like I won Jones. You're stupid. Real dumb. Okay, that was terrible.

Like a bum. I feel like I won just by showing off. Yeah, I don't think you have to say that. All right, give me that beat. Ah, yeah. I came all the way to Baltimore. Get it online at the store to buy a gift card for my mom. My dad, his name is Tom.

That's right. I'm here to be on your show. Hey, I got a confession on digression sessions. My meter was off. Yet I still win. You won. He nailed it. Great job, Dan. Great job. Michael Moran, at Michael Moran 10 on Twitter. You know it.

And I am at BetterRobotJosh. We'll do an intro. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming out, Dan. Great to see you as always. This was a fun episode, Dan. Thank you.

Thank you for letting me be here. Yet another Digression Sessions I am ashamed to let people know about. Woo! My streak continues. You have to promote this. You have to. I absolutely will promote this. My buddy.

I will. Do we have your word? Oh, yeah. I will stand on the corners shouting. Pinky swear? Dan? I will grab people's phones and go to iTunes and download this. Dan, what should be our sign-out

slogan? Nothing racist. That's it? I like it. Hey everybody, nothing racist. You should say thanks for listening and keep looking at tomorrow. There it is. Thanks for listening and keep looking at tomorrow.

Oh. Thank you.