The Digression Sessions - Ep. 62 - Stavros Halkias!

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah Snappity snappters Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast everyone I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds Josh Coderna Sitting to my left is Mr. Interruptee McTavish And the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds I thought you were going to do the entire thing.

Starting point is 00:00:25 Mike, I don't barely matter, Moran. Yeah, your parents really had great foresight when they named you that. I know. It was smart. It's all one word. It's all good. It's all good. On this week's program, we dive deep into the Greek hairy waters

Starting point is 00:00:43 that are the comedian Stavros halkias bring some sunscreen and some baklava this was a very fun episode so get into it stavros will be performing tonight uh that's friday january 18th at dionysus at the super comedy show he's going to be co-hosting that with our good friend Umar Khan. It's going to be a monthly show every third Friday at Dionysus. Check that out. And I will be there as well. You can follow Stav on

Starting point is 00:01:14 the Twitters. Mike on the Twitters. Adding the and S to the end. You can follow him on the Twitters at Stav Comedy. That's S-T-A-V. You can also find Stavros next Friday in Chantilly, Virginia at Sully's Chantilly Showcase, Friday, January 25th. And in the beautiful Tawny Town, Maryland at Comedy Night at Gunner's Grill, Tuesday, January 29th.

Starting point is 00:01:44 So that's it for our plugs as far as Stavros goes. But you can follow me on Twitter at BetterRobotJosh. I'll be performing at the EMP Collective tomorrow night at 8 o'clock downtown Baltimore. Michael Moran, what do you got? Well, I've got Michael Moran 10 on the Twitters.

Starting point is 00:02:01 But seriously, I will be performing at the Wind Up Space January 24th on a little talk show called You, Me, and Everyone. Oh. Okay. All right. Fantastic. So check that out.

Starting point is 00:02:14 It's a good podcast and a fun show. It's not a very fun podcast or a good show. But, yeah, they managed to get a couple things right over there. But yeah, get into the episode, everybody. You can follow us at DigSeshPod on Twitter, and we really appreciate all the comments and all the ratings on iTunes.

Starting point is 00:02:35 Thank you. All right, let's get into the episode. Stop, Roy! Enjoy! It's all good It's all good What if we gave a cookie to everybody that comes on the show? You want to do our podcast? That might sweeten the deal. You want a cookie? So here's a Mitch Hedberg I wrote. Oh dear. I decided I wasn't going to eat any more

Starting point is 00:03:16 unhealthy foods. My girlfriend said, so what, do you want a cookie? I said, no. No, I don't. Is that redneck Mitch Hedberg? Doesn't he kind of have a redneck draw? Mm-mm. He does.

Starting point is 00:03:32 No. Is that gross? Mitch Hedberg? I'm busy enjoying my cookie. No, no, no. This is pre-pot. No, he doesn't. He has more of a stoner, hippie.

Starting point is 00:03:42 Now you're going the opposite route as earlier when you insisted that Lynyrd Skynyrd was not Yeah, he has a little bit of a southern drawl to him I used to have gingivitis Yes, he does Are you high right now? I don't know if it's quite southern

Starting point is 00:03:57 Yeah Let's party Hello Right next to your soup cooler Get in on it Can I do this? Let's party. You're good. Hello. Right next to your soup cooler. Get in on it. Can I do this? Can I make it down? Yeah, you can make it real down. Oh, you guys got a wall of headshots?

Starting point is 00:04:14 Yeah, you're over there too. Amanda did this for us. Mine's the best one. Yeah, Amanda put this together for Christmas for me Wow that's so cute Here comes that redneck Play Freebird

Starting point is 00:04:32 I thought of something that's funny I'll actually do that too Like if I think of a good melody or something I'm like I should record that And it's like too much of a pain in the ass So they'll be like you know it's probably not good It's not good I'm not hearing any southern draw here What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:05:03 Davros There is something There is something. There is something. I mean, he has an odd dialect, but wouldn't say it's Southern. What would you say it is? A kind of stoner, hippie, nervous guy? No, there's some kind of twang there. There's an inflection.

Starting point is 00:05:20 Where's he from? Wikipedia that. Let's fucking figure this out. I'm going to say California. Maybe Southern California. That's fucking figure this out. I'm going to say California. Maybe Southern California. That's what it is. It's a Southern California draw. Southern most tip. Did you ever work with that guy at Paper Moon?

Starting point is 00:05:37 There was a guy who was quite proud that he was from the southern most tip of Maryland. Where are you from, Maryland? Southern most tip. St. Where are you from, Maryland? Southernmost tip. St. Paul, Minnesota. You know. Redneck country. That is redneck country, actually. What?

Starting point is 00:05:52 Sure it is. Midwest is redneck. There's stones thrown from Canada. Yeah, that's where the rednecks are. Oh, right. It's Minnesota. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's like north of Minnesota.

Starting point is 00:06:04 Yeah, Jesus Christ They talk like They have their own dialect But the Midwest Is pretty Yeah they're closer to Canadian Like the Abu

Starting point is 00:06:10 Yeah like Fargo Well I'm sure There's rednecks up there There's rednecks in Pennsylvania There's probably rednecks In Maine There's definitely Rednecks in Maine

Starting point is 00:06:19 If Stephen King books Have taught me anything Yeah But they're like Backwoods rednecks They're not like Southern rednecks Not like thoses rednecks. They're not like southern rednecks. Not like those urban rednecks.

Starting point is 00:06:27 Yeah. Not like those metropolitan. Taking the metro places. Arguing about string theory. Not like those sex of the city rednecks. Samantha hasn't dated any of the rednecks from Maine, that's for sure. No. Maybe Charlotte.

Starting point is 00:06:42 David Cross has a bit about that, how the redneck accent's everywhere. He's like, well, fuck you, man. I'm from Bozeman, Montana. It's like, oh, yeah? Well, fuck you. I'm from Juneau, Alaska. I don't know how that goes all over the place. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:55 Yeah. That's true. Yeah. States that I feel like should be in the South that aren't, West Virginia. It's kind of the South, isn't it? Not technically. Pennsylvania. And Maine. Pennsylvania.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Okay. Doesn't Pennsylvania have some... Pennsylvania? Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania.

Starting point is 00:07:13 Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania.

Starting point is 00:07:24 Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania? Good for him. Good for him. It was a mole in the shape of Austin, Texas. Get it off. Get it gone. Yeah, it was a mole in the shape of freedom. Okay. Nice. All right.

Starting point is 00:07:37 Speaking of moles, hey, Stavros. Hello. You were a contestant on The Mole, weren't you? That's right. I was on the celebrity Season with Dennis Rodman. Yeah. It was really hard. Danny Bonaduce. Uh-huh. You were in good company.

Starting point is 00:07:51 Dennis Rodman, star of... Good company. That movie with Steven Seagal. And also one with Dane Cook. Really? He was in a movie with Dane Cook? Yeah. There was one where they're like... Dane Cook, I guess before he was big as a comic, i guess tried his hand at being like a leading man type good looking action star and he's an action movie really dennis rodman

Starting point is 00:08:12 yeah yeah i saw it on a plane going to greece when i was eight that's the power of good of being good looking is you can be dane cook and have your choice of being like well i guess i'll just try to be an action star or maybe i'll just be famous being a comedian. Right. Yeah. I hate it when someone is good looking and legitimately funny. There's some people who are funny enough that plus good looking makes it okay. Right.

Starting point is 00:08:36 But when they're really funny and also good looking, it's like, oh, come on, bro. You're Anthony Jezelnik. Exactly. It's like, come on, bro. Get out of here. This is my domain. You already have so much. Yeah. You can't be leaves leave some for the rest of us and maybe i'm funnier but i'm like a 90 and they're like an 89 let's say but they're like a hundred when it comes to being good looking that's a man oh thank you that's my mic hey buddy i think you're

Starting point is 00:09:01 handsome people that are talented are just asking too much I mean you already have An evolutionary advantage Mmhmm Let the uggos Get a little piece of that Well I don't know Let's say we're uggos here We're pretty

Starting point is 00:09:13 We're juggalos But we're not uggos We're juggalos Gathering the uggalos So we're sitting here With Stavros Halkias He recently won the contest Funniest motherfucker In Baltimore at Magoobies

Starting point is 00:09:28 That was the contest, yes? Yeah, it was just the guy who's fucked someone who has a child That happened to be at Magoobies on a Wednesday That was telling jokes Yeah, very good So I fucked a guy's mom that day Because I was actually the only comedian at Magoobies. They were just cleaning the carpets.

Starting point is 00:09:46 Right. So it was between me and a bunch of Hispanic dudes who had fucked people's mothers. And they're like, we can't give them the contest. It'll look bad on us. Yeah. They're like, quick, let me call my mom, was what the assistant manager said. You can fuck her and you can win the contest. Wow.

Starting point is 00:10:03 Yeah. That's how it works, young comedians. That's right. Pay attention. That's how it works young comedians. Pay attention. That's how it goes. Well no, you actually won, what is it? It's newest, hottest comedian? It's new comedian of the year. The uggo contest, right? Juggalo of the year at McGoovie's

Starting point is 00:10:17 Joke House. We're sitting here with the juggalo of the year. Star Bros Hockeyists. Murder Face Thunderballs is actually my juggalo name. Are Juggalo names a thing? Do they give each other Juggalo names? Really?

Starting point is 00:10:30 Yeah. Remember we had Hampton Yunt on the podcast and his name was Hatchatory Rape. Oh, yeah. That's good.

Starting point is 00:10:39 That is good. Hampton's funny as shit. Funny, funny man. But yeah, what did you win? It was New Comedian 2012? New Comedian of the Year 2012 at the old Goobies. And now that it's 2013.

Starting point is 00:10:52 Done. My reign is over. Wow. You peaked. You had a good run. That was quick. Just move on. I won December 6th, and I had 20-some days, 24 or 25 days.

Starting point is 00:11:04 And now it's over wow I get nothing else well you've seen the top of the mountain huh it's all downhill from here

Starting point is 00:11:11 that's good yeah better to have loved and lost am I right that's right I'll be at Sully's Comedy Cellar from now on

Starting point is 00:11:17 and the Koobies won't let me back in the door is that what you're doing on the 25th no I'm not doing that no that's a joke uh so

Starting point is 00:11:24 like I I don't know Sully's pretty shitty but um I uh Is that what you're doing on the 25th? No, I'm not doing that. No, that's a joke. Like, I don't know. Sully's pretty shitty, but I. There goes our sponsor. Oh, no. Sully, shitty comedy out. No, I'm doing something at Sully. It's just a restaurant that happens to be named Sully's.

Starting point is 00:11:41 Oh, okay. In Chantilly, Virginia. Okay. It should be a fun show. I don't know. I heard, I was talking to another comic. I think there's like, I think it's very close in proximity to a trailer park. Oh, so there should be some juggalos, some jug of hoes.

Starting point is 00:11:59 You know what I'm saying? Right. You know what I'm saying? Face paint on pussy. That's right. Right. You know what? I don't even call them Juggalos. I call them Juggahighs.

Starting point is 00:12:06 I know. That's good. That's good. It's like Mexican versus Mexicant. Yeah. Right. Right. HIV positive.

Starting point is 00:12:16 Right? We went from racism real quick. Let's just end the podcast. To AIDS. Yeah. Much like your comedy career. We peaked early. That's it. Let's just fucking end it. Yeah like your comedy career we peaked early that's it yeah this is i'm actually retiring from comedy i just there's no way it gets better than

Starting point is 00:12:30 your contest which as everyone knows is the purest form of comedy is head-to-head contest yes um which is like that's the weirdest thing is like yeah it's like i like that i want i would have rather won it than not want it, for sure. Certainly. Interesting. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'd rather win things than lose them. To each his own, I guess. But it doesn't mean shit, really. It's really cool that I get to work at Magoobies.

Starting point is 00:12:58 This guy's like Pearl Jam. Yeah. I'm not using Ticketmaster anymore. I don't really care. I don't like to go to Mugubi's anymore. No, I do like to go to Mugubi's. It's a great club, and I really like working there, but it's like, you know, comedy's not a thing

Starting point is 00:13:16 that should be a head-to-head, like, endeavor. It's a flawed conceit to have the comedy contest because it's based on audience applause. So if one person brings 20 people and if they suck, those 20 people are going to cheer for them. It was a bizarre thing where they tried to make it more fair where it's part of its audience, then part of its judging, then part of its audience again. So I guess they had some kind of weird safeguards. Who were the judges? I believe the owner of the club.

Starting point is 00:13:50 Good old T. Brad Hudson. Okay. No Judge Judy. Judge Judy was actually, they contacted her, but she was like, she doesn't get out of bed for anything under $40,000. God bless her. You know, once you've got that kind of daytime TV judge money. Yeah. That daytime synd judge money. Yeah. That daytime syndication?

Starting point is 00:14:06 Hell yeah. That's right. Right? There was a string of, like, remember when, like, I feel like in the mid-2000s, maybe early 2000s, there was probably, like, a new judge show every... Oh, yeah. Like, there was, like, Judge Alex. The Judge Craze of the early 2000s.

Starting point is 00:14:24 Yeah, what the fuck was that about? Judge yeah that guy he was just murdered people judge reinhold reinhold that's right was a real dick yeah they did have that in uh then there was no arrest of development he was judge judge reinhold and then there was like some oh fuck i't remember, someone who just was not a judge at all. They started giving, they started calling them judges. Uh-huh. I don't fucking know.

Starting point is 00:14:52 Judge Bonifuco. Yeah. Who was it? No shit. It was like a football player. They gave the balloon boy a show. It was Warren Sapp. Warren Sapp, the football player, has a judge show.

Starting point is 00:15:00 No. I swear to God. Did he go broke or something? Why is he doing a judge show? Was it football themed? I don't know. I don't know why they would call him a judge. Instead of objections, you throw a flag. Flag on the play on that one.

Starting point is 00:15:13 Sorry, Judge Sapp. I wonder if that's still going on. No, I don't think so. Who thought that was a good idea? Who makes a decision? Who's like the head of daytime syndicated programming? That's got to be just the saddest shit in the world. It's just the monkeys that went to space.

Starting point is 00:15:30 Somehow they've kind of moved up the chain. That's right. Throwing feces at the wall. And then you get a good judge show going. Some of those are solid. Yeah, Judge Joe Brown. Oh, I did like this. Divorce court.

Starting point is 00:15:43 Divorce court. People's court. Remember the one? You guys are probably I did like this. Divorce Court. Divorce Court. People's Court. Remember the one you guys are probably too young for this, but back in the 80s, there was a dramatized one that was not real. Really? It was called, I think, Supreme Court. And it was

Starting point is 00:15:55 re... Reaperman. Reaperman. I know what you mean. Reimaginings, if you will. Reenings, if you will. Reenactments. That's what I was looking for. Of actual court cases.

Starting point is 00:16:10 And I remember there was one. I used to watch it in the summer times as a child. And there's one where a woman slit her wrists under the table and died in the courtroom. And I remember they asked her a question and they're like, Mrs. Perlman. Mrs. Perlman. And then she fell over face first under the courtroom. And I remember they asked her a question and they're like, Mrs. Perlman, Mrs. Perlman. And then she fell over face first onto the table. And that was like a plot point of the thing. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:37 And she had somehow snuck a razor in and it showed her under the table slicing. Whoa. Just painlessly, just like a samurai. Right, like nobody notices a grimace on her face. They're like, oh! Like, you just slice the vein vertically and they're like, excuse me, are you okay? I don't know why she couldn't have done that at home. That's what the janitor said.

Starting point is 00:16:54 I've got to clean all this up. You could have just killed yourself at home, lady. Make my life difficult. Oh, murders. Didn't a guy recently do that? There was some Wall Street guy who took cyanide or something in the courtroom. Really? Yeah. Huh.

Starting point is 00:17:08 Good for him. Yeah, tried to kill himself, but they caught him. My guess probably. You caught that cyanide up. What you got to do is do it in the crapper and then walk in. Or at least don't shatter the pill in your mouth until you're... Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:17:21 You need to be a suicide advice guy. Come on, buddy. Suicide advice hotline. No, no, you gotta cut upwards. Horizontal, you're not... Come on, that's Bush League. Come on, buddy. You're crazy. You think you're dying from a knot like that.

Starting point is 00:17:37 The best part about America is if there was a way that you could get them to prepay you, that would exist right now. Like, someone would make that if you could make money off of it. Oh, I'm sure you could get them to prepay you, that would exist right now. Someone would make that if you could make money off of it. Sure. I'm sure you could. You want to figure this out? I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a website detailing

Starting point is 00:17:53 the most effective and painless ways to commit suicide. Who runs that website? Just a suicide enthusiast? You feel like the people who are real experts, they're gone You know what I mean He was really good at it

Starting point is 00:18:09 There's no one who's just into suicide Because they've already killed themselves I don't know There's some pretty depraved individuals out there I don't know I think I'm with Stav I think the author of Chicken Soup for the Suicidal Soul Probably dead right

Starting point is 00:18:23 Probably made his book and now he's dead Chicken Soup with poison in Soup for the Suicidal Soul. Probably dead, right? Probably made his book, and now he's dead. Chicken Soup with Poison in it for the Suicidal Soul. Kool-Aid. It was a long title, but eventually the editor was like, alright, I see it your way. They were like, we are not compromising on this title. Publish

Starting point is 00:18:40 us, don't publish us, I don't care. The title stays. I'm going to kill myself later. I don't give a fuck either way. I hear the car, the exhaust. You turn your car on in the garage. That's the easiest way to go. Really? I've heard emptying or somehow finding a way to ingest helium, a large amount of helium.

Starting point is 00:19:05 Whoa. Really? It will just kind of peacefully put you out. No way. Yeah. That's got to be a little embarrassing, though, like your last words. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, look, I'm going to do a lot of helium.

Starting point is 00:19:15 It's going to be really funny. Well, I don't think you speak to people in between inhaling it. I don't think that's how it works. You know what the best part is? The way we found that out was one guy at a party was like, I'm going to do the most helium. It's going to be real funny. And then he just fucking dies at his grandparents' 70th anniversary.

Starting point is 00:19:36 Hey, Grandma and Grandpa. Isn't this funny? Who has the helium? Well, okay, if they're doing balloons. That's right. I forgot that's not like a party drug. Yeah. Helium.

Starting point is 00:19:48 You guys want to do some H? Build up the helium. I do remember passing out from inhaling helium from a balloon at a fair when I was a kid. Nice. I slammed my face on the gravel. Oh, boy. You must have done a lot of H. Yeah, young H head over there. Yeah, I went down that route, boy. You must have done a lot of H. Yeah. Young H-head over there.

Starting point is 00:20:06 Yeah. Yeah. I went down that route, and I'm proud to say that I've recovered. I've come back from it. Made a full recovery. Started doing cocaine. Yeah. Yelling at your parents with that high-pitched voice.

Starting point is 00:20:16 I don't have a problem. Leave me alone. I didn't ask to be born. Yeah. Oh, man. That's a good joke. I didn't ask to be born Yeah Oh man That's a good joke My brain is not working well today guys I'm sorry I think I'm coming down with something

Starting point is 00:20:36 What were the things in Oz called Midgets The lollipop guild The lollipop kids Munchkins Munchkins They call it doing munchkin The kids do I would say Doing m it doing munchkin. The kids do.

Starting point is 00:20:45 I would say. Doing munch. Doing munchkin. Munching on munch. He was so munched last night. Oh, my God. That guy was the mayor of the motherfucking Lollipop Guild. Oh, man.

Starting point is 00:20:59 Did you guys ever do nitrous? No. Yeah, me either. No. Yeah, me either. No, I do remember actually spending like $3 on a whipped cream can just to suck the, to get like two seconds of being euphoric and all that. Man, that's just like, Whippets is just like too stupid for me. Yeah. It's just too dumb.

Starting point is 00:21:20 Right. And the people who really love it are just like, I don't know. It's like they don't have, like, that's the thing they've committed to most in their lives is figuring out how to get nitrous oxide. Yeah. Just like, I remember just like, I had a friend, not a friend, a kid who I was just hanging out with. I had a kid. I had a child. My kid did nitrous. There was this kid in my neighborhood who did it out of whipped cream cans.

Starting point is 00:21:47 I would just go and eat all his whipped cream afterwards. It was a really good situation for me. Really? Right. So you enabled each other, basically. Except it was kind of runny. Yeah, it's hard to get out after. That's the problem.

Starting point is 00:21:59 It doesn't have the whipped part to it. I think you can manage. I'm sure a man like Stavros I'm sure could find a way. I'm resourceful. Look, you tell me there's something delicious and creamy in a bottle. Nothing can hold you back.

Starting point is 00:22:10 It's getting out there one way or the other. You're committed. I like that. It's true. I like that. Yeah, I never did the nitrous either.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Yeah, I never did straight nitrous. I remember attempting to find the thing that you do it with, the cracker or whatever, with a friend. We were going to try it. What is this? It's called a cracker.

Starting point is 00:22:33 It's something you buy. It's made out of wheat. Sometimes there's cheese. Salted. Before that, it was called a honky. It goes to one PC. But there's some sort of instrument that you buy, some sort of canister that cracks open nitrous capsules or whatever. I don't remember how it works.

Starting point is 00:22:53 This was like 15 years ago. But we thought we'd give it a try. And so we tried to buy one. Yeah. And the guy, I remember, I think we were stoned. And we're walking in and we're listening to this guy. We know where to buy it. We know what store.

Starting point is 00:23:08 I think in the old Hunt Valley Mall to buy it. And we're listening to the manager of the store explain to somebody else how kids are constantly coming in there and trying to buy. But I think we're too stoned to know exactly what he's talking about. So we're just kind of like, is he talking about what we're purchasing? Or are we just like... Nah, can't be. Are we just being paranoid or what?

Starting point is 00:23:27 Just paranoid. And so we finally asked him and he was like, oh, I knew it. And it turned out to be like... Are you talking about us? No, but of course we had to put it

Starting point is 00:23:37 under the guise of like, oh, we're getting this to cook with or something. Because you do... Yeah, what is the real use of it? To cook meth with. I think it's I don't know. You create

Starting point is 00:23:49 something with culinary arts. But it was really kind of embarrassing. That guy was like, oh, what a surprise. And then he sold it to you anyway. No, he was going to. Yeah, he didn't. It's not illegal or anything

Starting point is 00:24:05 this is america but it was like 80 bucks or something so we didn't do it oh holy shit something great yikes yeah there was uh a friend of mine he worked at starbucks and this guy he worked with at starbucks they would steal the uh not them but his friend would steal the little he had little nitrous canisters like they used to be in bb guns you guys remember that you get like the small tanks well they have those in all the. You guys remember that? You get the small tanks. Well, they have those in all the milkshake. Or not milkshake. We have cream shooters and stuff.

Starting point is 00:24:30 So he'd steal a whole pack of those. And yeah, it didn't seem fun at all. Just get down. He said you would have this noise in your ears, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That doesn't seem like a good time. It also makes you feel euphoric.

Starting point is 00:24:47 His name? Skrillex. That's the man's name. That's the thing that people always forget to talk about with drug use. They mention all the kind of side effects. Acid makes it feel like you're walking. But they forget to tell you that it also makes you feel really good.

Starting point is 00:25:04 I think whippets make you euphoric. Just for that little bit of time, though. To me, it's just not enough. You're killing so many brain cells in 14 seconds. Yeah, there's a lot of guys who do whippets, have those actuarial tables out. They're like, well, I don't know if this is going to be worth it. They're definitely just not bored while their fucking Hot Pocket is heating up. Right.

Starting point is 00:25:29 Oh, I got to kill 45 seconds. Call of Duty analysis. Yeah. The same guy that stole the nitrous from Starbucks, he was also getting the canisters that you use to clean your keyboard, the little air canisters. Apparently, if you turn those upside down and then spray them into a bag, you can huff that.

Starting point is 00:25:49 That's real lethal. Yeah. For real. I think they've had to market alternative things and stuff because it's so dangerous. He kept buying them, and then eventually he got carded at Home Depot. He was buying two of them.

Starting point is 00:26:02 He's like, man, I must have looked really bad. It's like, yeah, no shit. You're huffing air cleaner. No, sir, you don't understand. I jerk off under my keyboard a lot. Under my keyboard. Sir, I'm telling you, there's one guy who's just real dirty with his keyboard.

Starting point is 00:26:20 I'm getting some weird shit. Okay. So you guys never did any nitrous, huh? What about Dave Matthews fans? Is there any drug that seems more dirty and disturbing to you than paint huffing? Maybe like it's cousin glue huffing. But any huffing that you're doing just seems like the wrong idea. It seems pretty trashy.

Starting point is 00:26:44 I don't know. Meth seems the worst to me. just long-term effects-wise. I saw some pictures on the internet that apparently meth is so bad for you that it breaks down all the, like, chemicals, all the foreign chemicals that are in meth, break down the proteins in your skin, and your skin just gets real loose, and you lose all your muscle dexterity.

Starting point is 00:27:02 Yeah, you look like an old person. Yeah, you look like a jack-o'-lantern in late November, basically. I think I did meth once when I was like 19. Yeah, is it like, what's the, it just makes you feel like amped up?

Starting point is 00:27:17 I don't remember. I thought it wasn't really working. I want to dive into how you accidentally did meth. I didn't say accidentally. How do you not know you're doing meth? I didn't really working. I want to dive into how you accidentally did meth. I didn't say I accidentally did it. How do you not know you're doing meth? I didn't say that. I knew I was doing it.

Starting point is 00:27:29 He said, I did meth once. Oh. Well, you said you're pretty sure I did. Yeah, so how are you unsure? I'm fairly sure

Starting point is 00:27:36 that was the drug that I did. He did some kind of drug. He smoked it out of something. All right. I don't even remember how I did it. But you don't ask? No,

Starting point is 00:27:44 I did, but I just don't remember because I was like 18. I would try anything, you know? Oh, okay. I probably did a whole bunch of drugs once. Yeah. You know? Sure.

Starting point is 00:27:52 No, I'm with you. I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I was real mature there for a while. I had a phase where I would try anything and luckily didn't have cool enough friends. That helped me a whole lot, too. I haven't done any... I smoked a lot of weed there for a while. And, you know, I'll mess with some... You bring some pain pills around.

Starting point is 00:28:16 I'm not going to turn them down, right? Really? Yeah. That's kind of bad, buddy. Yeah, I know. But it just seems like so... You're so innocent Just white

Starting point is 00:28:26 Go about your day Powdery Yeah you don't have to Smoke it out of a fucking pipe With a dragon on it Or something You know what I mean Like

Starting point is 00:28:33 Right But I don't know I haven't done any Hallucinations Except for one time I did salvia That was hilarious But I don't know

Starting point is 00:28:40 I feel like now It's like All my friends are growing up So it's like drugs Are real off the table For them But it's not They're not really for me Because I don't know. I feel like now it's like all my friends are growing up, so it's like drugs are real off the table for them. But they're not really for me because I don't have a real job and I just want to do comedy. So it's like I feel like I'm kind of back into a very dumb,

Starting point is 00:28:56 like, yeah, I'll do some drugs. Like, if you got them around. Like, maybe I wouldn't because they've never been offered to me. But, like, I'm kind of, I feel like I would just kind of I got time to kill. I'm free for the next 12 hours. Let's chop up some lines. What do you guys think the relationship is between like hard drugs and comedy and comedians? I mean, of course, in the 70s, you know, everybody was doing blow.

Starting point is 00:29:20 And well, I think I think a lot of it is the time killing thing. Yeah. Especially when you have nothing to do in a city, especially when you're working as a comic. Yeah. But then I feel like a lot of people who like to smoke weed happen to be comics. Right.

Starting point is 00:29:35 I feel like I just, you know, I'm not super crazy about it like I was, but again, I have manners. Someone brings out a blunt, I'm not going to not smoke it. That would just be rude. Your mom passes around a needle. What are you going to say? No, I've been sober for 12 years and I'm in recovery.

Starting point is 00:29:54 Your mom raised you better than that. Yeah, exactly right. And then... You grew up in a crack home, not a crack house. I stole that joke, by the way. Citation. Nice. Cite your source.

Starting point is 00:30:08 Yeah. You're just saying he stole it? Next time. Do you know who he stole it from? Well, he's going to wait until the end of the podcast to do his bibliography. Yeah. He can't put it in the book. There'll be footnotes on the website.

Starting point is 00:30:17 Yeah. Great. Hyperlinks. Just click on it. Okay. APA format. Good. Great.

Starting point is 00:30:22 Excellent. Excellent job. Do you ever have some asshole professor that would give you some weird format just to be a jerk? There was Chicago, right? Yeah. Turabian. Yeah, that was the weird one. Didn't you have to get some specific book for that?

Starting point is 00:30:37 Yeah, it was just Kate Turabian. Yeah, yeah. Fuck her. Yeah, what's up with her? What the fuck? And it's basically Chicago, right? Isn't it? Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Come on what's up with her? What the fuck? And it's basically Chicago, right? Isn't it? Yeah, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:30:46 I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Come on, Kate. Are you? What the fuck? No, what happened in this lady's life that was like, I think it should be a fucking period instead of a comma after the date of the publisher? That's pretty impressive, though, to have a writing style named after you. But it's not even a style.

Starting point is 00:31:03 It's how you cite stuff. I want to know who Kate Turabian is now. We'll look it up. But yeah, it is so annoying to be like, oh, no, you need a semicolon there. And this should be in italics. And I better not see a comma after that title. Like, suck my dick, Kate. And like maybe the first person ever, they're like, all right, this is just too hectic.

Starting point is 00:31:18 We have to have one style. Or maybe let's say two styles. But Turabian is not that off of the other ones. Is Turabian just a style? I thought she just had the book, too. I don't know. Yeah. Let's say two styles. But Turabian is not that off of the other ones. Is Turabian just a style? I thought you just had the book, too. I don't know. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's pretty close to Chicago.

Starting point is 00:31:31 This is riveting as fuck. Speaking of suicide. From drug, suicide, and racism into source citation. We're all working on new bits. What's the deal with footnotes? Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? Bibliographies. For real, fuck Kate Turabian, though.

Starting point is 00:31:47 I think we can all agree. Yeah. Whoever she is. We need to take her down a peg. Let's look her up. We should try to give her a call. Yeah. It's going to be some old lady.

Starting point is 00:31:58 Let's get her. Fuck you, Kate. Let's get these interns to look this up, huh? Munza, get on it. Get your doggy phone. Oh, well, fucking Stavros, thanks for joining us on the podcast. You're just full of energy today, so I'm glad you came by. Yeah, I had a real good day.

Starting point is 00:32:20 I don't know. I'm just fucking tired. I was with my girlfriend. She was a little sick this weekend. God damn it. Everybody's sick. I hate when people are. She was a little sick this weekend. God damn it. Everybody's sick. I hate when people are like, something's going around, but something is going around. Yeah, because it's constant.

Starting point is 00:32:30 Yeah, it's happening. It's like that movie. The Happening. When is there ever a time when people are like, nothing's going around right now? Yeah. Like, oh, I'm feeling really good. Yeah, nothing's going around. No, but I feel like sometimes nothing is going around, but it's the same way.

Starting point is 00:32:46 Yeah, we only notice the negatives. It's true. For every bad thing that gets attention, there's 10,000 good things that we don't notice. No one's ever like, positivity is going around. Right. No one ever says that. Smiles are contagious. It's always the flu.

Starting point is 00:32:58 Hey, be careful. There's some good vibes floating around, okay? My aunt had them last week, and so she was smiling ear to ear non-stop and believe me you don't want that you do not want that that is weird too when people well have you ever had anyone like seriously claim that like a negative like force is going around like yeah i don't know what it is everybody just seems all crazy this week yeah that's so fucking dumb it's also it's also like the same shit uh like greek people do this i was gonna say that's like new agey hippie bullshit but it's not because it's it's just dumb it's like its own

Starting point is 00:33:32 version it's how religion is dumb yeah it's that new age shit is like scared native mentality you know like god is angry at us and like my so like my grandma would always like she would do this thing called like taking the eye off of you. She spits three times and fucking does the cross and says a little prayer. Spits three times? Like those. Grandma hawks a quick loogie. She just spits right into your eyes.

Starting point is 00:34:00 Or in 30 seconds. The more phlegm, the cleaner you are of the eye. You'll have great luck now. What is the common religion of modern Greece? Greek Orthodox. So they're like... So paganism is dead. Yeah, oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:15 No Zeus. No Zeus anymore. No Apollo. None of those bros. Hit the bricks. No Showtime at the Apollo. Showtime at the Apollo hasn't run in Greece. Sandman has swept the stage clean of the Greek gods.

Starting point is 00:34:27 Womp womp. I'm tired of your ambrosia eating ass. Motherfucking baklava. Get out of here, man. Get out of here with that shit. Oh, man. We should do the history of religion as seen through the eyes of the Apollo Theater. It'd be pretty good.

Starting point is 00:34:48 Just pretty much anything getting booed off a stage is like the funniest thing in the world. When the Sandman comes out. I love that shit, dude. It's so much fun. We should play in our Sandman. Have you... Yeah, the crowd's like... They should have had Sandman in the video

Starting point is 00:35:08 First of all Just pulling James Hetfield off That huge hook thing That was easily my favorite Part of watching The Apollo when I was little It was just like someone So bad There was no way they put these people on part of watching the Apollo when I was little was just like someone so bad.

Starting point is 00:35:25 Just bombing so hard. And you would know, there was no way they put these people on because they thought they were good. Like there were some people they were just setting up. I still, this has not left my, I was maybe like nine or something. And there was just like this fat lady from Baltimore.

Starting point is 00:35:41 And I think I remember partially because she was from Baltimore. Right, right, right. Who was on the Apollo. But this bitch was just doing, like, jokes I knew were hack when I was nine. Like, she was like, y'all got roaches? I was like, we got roaches in Baltimore. And it was just like, oof, lady. And she just, the first thing she said just bombs. And the thing was, she started with y'all got roaches.

Starting point is 00:36:05 It was like her Trump card. It was like you could tell. She like pulled it out in case she was in trouble. She's like, all right, here comes the road-tested material. And it just didn't, she didn't even get 40 seconds. That's the most beautiful and frightening thing about that. It's like sometimes you're just fucked from the get-go. And there's no going back.

Starting point is 00:36:24 Especially in a black room, from what I hear, too. I mean, you see it on TV, like the Apollo, but if they don't like you, they will fucking let you know. And if you show any bit of fear, they just go for it. Yeah, it's like a random black room will be like that. I mean, it's like the perfect storm of, like, I don't know. It's so beautiful. And it's one thing, some rooms are just harder in general because people are just talking, like of all backgrounds,

Starting point is 00:36:52 but it's like there will be just a perfect storm where it's like that and like, man, is that just my favorite thing to watch? Because I feel like when you do a lot of open mic comedy, when you do open mics, like there are people who like, you know, just like comedy shitty and it's not fun. And even if you're good at it and if you work hard, you still probably fail. Right. Right. And then there's like then there's people who are like, you know, I want to do comedy.

Starting point is 00:37:23 It's fun. I fucking love it. And they just people are too polite to like, I want to do comedy. It's fun. I fucking love it. And they just, people are too polite to, like, tell, even when they're bombing, they're too polite to, like, be like, hey, you know, that was a dumb thing or whatever. Oh, you mean like other comedians that get off stage? Yeah. Not even comedians who do it, like, regularly, but just, like. People in the room. People that, like, circle in and out. And the beauty of those tough rooms is that even though they'll chew up someone who deserves it or who doesn't deserve it, who just may be having a bad night, the people that deserve it get the shit just eaten out of them alive.

Starting point is 00:37:55 And it's just like... Not in a good way. Not in a good way. Yeah, not in a good way. And it's just like the most beautiful thing to watch even if i go up there and eat a dick if i've seen someone like who's who's who needs to be taken down a peg taken down a peg just like dramatically oh yeah it feels great does it sink in because i see that too like i'm just starting to go to more open mics and stuff but there are definitely people that you run into that kind of have this delusion going on yeah i mean that'll, that'll never go away, I don't think, because it's like, and I think every one of us to some extent

Starting point is 00:38:28 has that delusion. You kind of need it. Mine's not a delusion. Yeah, exactly. Continue. Just to be clear, I'm the best. But there is, I do worry about that sometimes because I worry a lot that I'm just,

Starting point is 00:38:40 just one day I'm going to wake up and not be funny. You know what I mean? So there is that worry always But there's also like I think Sometimes I over You know what I mean it's such a weird Tug of war If you're worried about waking up unfunny one day you're probably overthinking it

Starting point is 00:38:56 Yeah yeah yeah no I'm definitely overthinking it But it's like yeah some people just don't They can just eat a dick for 12 minutes they'll run the light They'll eat a dick and run minutes. They'll run the light. They'll eat a dick and run the light. That is interesting when you see people just not at all flinch. I can't tell if it's admirable or pathetic.

Starting point is 00:39:20 It's like I'm kind of envious because they're also probably just happier people in their lives. You know what I mean? That's what other people think. Yeah. It's like some Some fucking drunk asshole Can ruin your night Yeah some people I don't fuck If I had met them on the street

Starting point is 00:39:30 And they criticized me I would just be like Shut the fuck up You idiot Right But the fact that they're Like in an audience Yeah

Starting point is 00:39:37 And they're judging me Now means they're the fucking Arbiters of whether I'm funny or not And the good thing is The more you do comedy The more you just learn Not to give a shit Yeah the less I'm getting to that point.

Starting point is 00:39:46 The less it sticks with you. But it's just, I don't know, it's just funny. Like, and don't get, I'm not fucking, I'm not like a bulletproof comic.

Starting point is 00:39:54 No one is, but just those shitty rooms where, Carrot Top? Except for Carrot Top. Yeah. But those rooms, they're just rough.

Starting point is 00:40:01 Yep. It's just awesome seeing people who just like, should be treated like that in every stage just get it for once you know what i mean yeah yeah oh that was fun um yeah what's the uh how long have you been doing stand-up like a couple years now right uh yeah i don't know it's weird i think i think the number i've landed on to just say is three years sure because it feels right like that's the way to judge.

Starting point is 00:40:26 To judge time. Because there's no better way to judge time. I could just look at it. I usually go with born in 1994 because it's a nice friend. And that's how it feels. I don't want to say feel that way. It's just so, I don't know, impersonal. Right.

Starting point is 00:40:40 You know, like people can't relate to that. Yeah, it's like fucking a Ron Concher was going on. I'd rather have come out as a senior than Mighty Ducks 2 did. Yeah, that's good. D2. D2 the quackening. 311 wasn't big in 1994. They were around.

Starting point is 00:40:57 I don't care. They were big. They sure were. They were down. Crazy Cat was probably around. No, no, they weren't. They were like a 99. What about O-Town?

Starting point is 00:41:05 O-Town has always been around. Yeah. And they They were probably around. No, no, they weren't. They were like a 99. What about O-Town? O-Town has always been around. Yeah. And they will always be around. Yeah, so three years because it feels right. Yeah, it feels good. No, I don't know. So I guess I started doing it in, I restarted, I guess, in February. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:19 Of last year. So shit, that's almost a year. Huh. So yeah, I've been hitting it hard since then. And then probably I was doing it for two years before then. So about three years. Right, right, right. And how long was your rest period?

Starting point is 00:41:31 I don't know. Either one or two years. I'm not totally sure. And you are getting your master's in arithmetic, correct? That's right. I just bought a really cool abacus that should help me out with my thesis. Sure. Which is 7 plus 3 is 11.

Starting point is 00:41:48 So we're still working it out. How does the thesis work for the math department degree? I don't know. You just have to fuck it. Shit that we literally can't even begin. Yeah, I'm pretty sure these numbers are females. Yeah, I think it's just some giant. 4 feels like a woman.

Starting point is 00:42:04 It's like a goodwill hunting equation that you have to prove. Things you don't, none of us believe can be proved by math, they are proving by math. They're proving that things are gold. You know what I mean? What? I don't know, just something like that. There's just equations for everything, like quantum physics that could almost prove time travel is possible or things like that. Yeah, math will just fucking... They'll, like, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:42:27 Yeah, I met a girl that was a math major. I don't even understand how that works. And I don't have any... I don't want to either. I'd probably do mine on the Bible code. The Da Vinci code? What are you talking about? Da Vinci code?

Starting point is 00:42:41 Yeah, I think so. Mine's different. There's different Bible codes, Josh. Really? Yeah. Let's name 10 of them. You're so Italian-centric. All right, fine.

Starting point is 00:42:49 Uh-huh. The Bible Code. One. The Old Testament Code. Two. The Da Vinci Code. Three. We'll let you have that one.

Starting point is 00:42:59 Sure, yeah. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start. Yeah. Sorry, I forgot about that one. That's on me. Everyone knows that one. That is on me, Stavros. All right?

Starting point is 00:43:10 You don't have to rub it in, buddy. The bro code? Not on my own show. Yeah, the bro code. Mm-hmm. The, um... Yes. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:43:21 We got him. He's fucking dead. No, I'm just thinking. I'm just thinking. No, you should know these. Yeah. Gersh turned second here. Gersh burps.

Starting point is 00:43:29 Give me a Gina Gersh second. Sorry. Too much teeth. Yeah. Too much gums. I think I'm high on being sick right now, guys. Uh-huh. I'm high on a Claritin D, y'all.

Starting point is 00:43:39 Are you? I'm high. I might have to take one later, and that's definitely going to make me high. That's the closest I get to using heroin. Right? I don't know. Having clear nasal passages? No, Clareton D takes you away. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:53 What? At least to me who doesn't use anything and the slightest drug will put me in la-la land. Really? No, Clareton D. I thought it was just a decongestant. You have to have an ID to buy Clareton D. I swear to God. Is that why they call it Clareton D, Clareton D. I thought it was just a decongestant. You have to have an ID to buy a Clareton D. I swear to God. Is that why they call it Clareton D? Clareton ID.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Yeah, because Clareton ID was already patented by a comic book. I don't think you do. You really need your ID? You might, but I think it's because I definitely do. No, it's the meth thing. Yeah, I think it's because you can make meth with it. Not because it fucks you up. Yeah. No, but it fucks you up because the reason why you can make meth from it is because it has shit that

Starting point is 00:44:27 will fuck you up no i think you gotta put in a pot didn't you watch freaking bad bro yeah you gotta go to the desert put it in a big beaker in a fucking yeah and crush it up with that that weird what's it called pestle or something mortar and pestle season spoiler alert there's a mortar and pestle god damn it sorry bro, it's the same way that they card you. I got carded when I bought Tylenol cough syrup. Right. Well, that probably has alcohol in it. Or some other. But that's the thing. You could overtake

Starting point is 00:44:54 any drug. But I'm telling you. Hey, the room looks great, by the way. On your own time, we're doing a podcast. Shut your mouth! We're recording. No, Clarendon D will get you a little high. Yeah, same way any drug will get you a little high, though.

Starting point is 00:45:11 A little bit more. Like if you take a regular Claritin, it's not that potent. But if you take Claritin D. This is interesting. Will it? I don't fucking think it will. The highest I ever get in my life, besides caffeine, is when I have to take Claritin D. Right.

Starting point is 00:45:30 Okay. And the Holy Spirit. Right. Yeah, exactly. And when I go to the snake handling revival. Stavros, eating on the podcast. Who would have thunk it? Hey, this motherfucker's having personal conversations with your girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:45:43 Maybe I'm eating. You know what I mean? God damn it. Take that. All right. Well, Stavros brought his own McNuggets. Hey, have you seen the Burger King McNuggets commercial? They're looking a lot like McDonald's.

Starting point is 00:45:55 Really? Mm-hmm. Hmm. What? I'll have to look into that. I'll do some research. Write this down. I've been eating way too many McNuggets, though, for real.

Starting point is 00:46:04 I have to stop. What do you do? 20 in a clip? some research. Write this down. I've been eating way too many McNuggets though for real. I have to stop. What do you do? 20 in a clip? Do they have a 30 pack now? They don't, thank God. Because if they did, I can't guarantee I wouldn't buy it.

Starting point is 00:46:16 I've been on a nugget kick lately. I don't know why. I haven't eaten them since I was like fucking 11. But something happened. I've been on a big Cheeto kick.

Starting point is 00:46:23 But you guys know what's in chicken nuggets, right? It's like pink paste or some shit. All white, fresh chicken from local organically maintained farms. Yes. The chickens actually kill themselves because they know they're committing themselves to a just cause. They commit seppuku. They commit chicken seppuku.

Starting point is 00:46:40 They play Sudoku. And they are really smart. You can taste that. They do the depressed chickens. They don't care. The depressed chickens. Yeah, it's the bones and all the leftover stuff that they grind up and shoot into a paste. Whatever.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Well, that's not that much worse than flesh of a pig. Well, I mean, you'd rather eat the bones and all the stuff that's leftover and it's normally inedible. Under certain circumstances, yes. I mean, whatever. Just on the bones and all the stuff that's left over and it's normally inedible? Under certain circumstances, yes. I mean, I don't... Just on a leisurely day? All right. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I don't... Hey, we're not wasting it.

Starting point is 00:47:11 We're like Native Americans over here. Yeah, exactly. God bless you guys. Noble savage. Yeah, we're noble savages. Yep. Sorry. I forgot.

Starting point is 00:47:19 Sorry, guys. I don't see you eating the bark of the tree that your fucking fruit comes from. Yeah, take that, chief. Sorry, guys. I need to think about that. I got gut on that one. You know what avocados are? What?

Starting point is 00:47:33 They're just peach pits ground up in the parts of peaches that you're not going to eat. And then regrown. It's processed vegetables, son. I bet you didn't know that. Sorry, guys. You guys are getting me on this one. You know how they treat those avocados when they're farming them? No, I haven't.

Starting point is 00:47:49 You ever seen Annie? No. It's like that, but with more rape. Oh, my God. So avocados are the product of rape. Is that what you're telling me? You know, they are named after ball sacks. Swear to God.

Starting point is 00:48:01 The word avocado comes from the same root word as scrotum in whatever South American country they originated from. Oh, okay. Well, they both taste great. I can see that. That's true. Except for one only has one nut in the middle, except for it's not a nut, it's a seed. Wow. That's embarrassing, Mike.

Starting point is 00:48:20 Yeah. You said it was a nut, and it turns out it's a seed. Jesus Christ. You know what I make the seed out of? Huh? What else do you guys want to talk about To make this the most interesting podcast ever? Well let's see Paperclips Have you seen the giant paperclips?

Starting point is 00:48:36 No That are the size That are shaped like regular Shaped like regular paperclips But they're just big as shit Get the fuck out of it like how big huh they're like you sure you just haven't lost weight i'm pretty sure i'm definitely sure about is it possible you're a giant shit yeah it's possible my head is really

Starting point is 00:48:56 really big yeah they're huge huge that's true um we know we covered uh well we we did talk about citations but we didn't talk about comma splices at all so we could just do some grammar stuff sure or parenthetical sourcing we didn't talk about that you know what okay serious thing about grammar i feel like there was a let's get into it huge backlash over people who don't use their, right? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? That's an easy one, too. I can do that one. And then you and your whatever, right?

Starting point is 00:49:29 Yeah. Now I feel like it's... You and your. You're confusing you and your. You're and your. Great to see you and your today. Verbs and nouns. Now I feel like people who aren't even that good at grammar...

Starting point is 00:49:40 Exclamation points and Batman symbols. Yeah, totally. All the time. I feel like people who aren't even that into grammar Are good at it Just like make that their thing on Facebook or something I know why is that such a big deal to everybody It's like gone mainstream

Starting point is 00:49:52 Is to correct people It's like food trucks it's just a cool like hipster thing to do Yeah people talk about it it's like shut the fuck up You're using listen the internet You write the letter U Instead of Y-O-U I don't do that though i know umar does that i do 15 exclamation points to get my point across well that well how other yes what

Starting point is 00:50:11 what other way is there oh just like typing the letter u and then you are for your and stuff like that i just feel that's what 17 year old girls do well how do you spell what's up? Oh, that's easy. I mean, that's W-U-Z and then that weird carrot sign that goes up. No, you don't do that. It's a four Z's. Oh, my bad, guys. Jesus. Sorry, guys. Bit of a grammar Nazi here.

Starting point is 00:50:35 Why don't we get on the train to Auschwitz re-education camp? Oh, shit. Whoa. Jesus Christ. We just dropped the schwitz. The schwitz. Just dropped the schwitz on this combo. Schwitz is getting crazy in here.

Starting point is 00:50:50 Yikes. No, I do see that. The people that don't really have much going on, and then they'll post on people saying, when's the last time you read a fucking book? Yeah. Yeah, it's like, shut up. If you haven't read a book In the last three years Don't say anything about grammar

Starting point is 00:51:08 You know what I mean? That should be a rule And there are a lot of people out there Who haven't read a book in three years What's the last book you read? Probably whatever was out on Oprah's On what? Oprah's book list

Starting point is 00:51:23 Oh yeah, Million Little Pieces I read a million little pieces. A million little pieces. Uh-huh. Great read. See, here's the thing,

Starting point is 00:51:31 I don't read books anymore. Just, that part of my life is over now, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're over. I was thinking about

Starting point is 00:51:38 how I want to read books and I tried it for a while, but it's like, I can fucking play, I got a game where monkeys shoot balloons on my fucking ipod yeah why would i read when i can watch monkeys shoot balloons with darts uh-huh at any time you're on a roll as a person you're like i could be doing drugs i'm open to that i'm

Starting point is 00:51:57 open to drugs i'm past that drugs it is weird i am in this phase of my life where it's like i was like all up until like recently I valued being an educated person. Like I was in school. I had really good grades while I was in school. I was on scholarship. I would read just a lot. But like ever since that ended, it's like I don't know, reading just like. Now that you're out of college.

Starting point is 00:52:18 I like it. Like I wish I did it. But I fucking it's so much easier to not read than it is to read. I like listening to audio books myself. Yeah, and I don't know. See, that's a weird thing. I feel like... Is that cheating?

Starting point is 00:52:31 Yeah, I'd almost rather not read. Now I listen... I feel like a reading poser because it's like... Poser? Yeah, poser. French. But it's like... I don't know.

Starting point is 00:52:44 I feel like so much of reading is... because I actually, I used to write too. That was a big thing. And I still do some freelance writing. Like I write profiles about people for like private shit. Like Match.com. Like Match.com. I fucking love it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:59 Christian singles. There's a lot of money in that. Sure. There's a lot of money in that. Maryland Sex Defender Registry. I write those profiles. Now here's an interesting of money in that. Sure. There's a lot of money in that. Maryland Sex Defender Registry. I write those profiles. Now here's an interesting fella. Buck loves abandoned carnivals.

Starting point is 00:53:15 You guessed it. He's a Sagittarius, ladies. Abandoned playgrounds. That's his thing. I don't know. So much of it is so like reading it and like fucking rereading it or something like that like i feel like an audiobook fundamentally changes like the experience of yeah you know what i mean i don't think so i mean it's

Starting point is 00:53:37 just somebody else's for me when i read i'm reading to myself aloud in my head you know what i'm saying i don't know if everyone does that. When I listen to an audio book, I quickly can tune into the cadence of the speaker. But then you just like not listen. I don't know. It's like some asshole honks his horn and now you're not listening anymore. And then what, you got to rewind it? I don't fucking know. You should rewind books.

Starting point is 00:53:59 You do sometimes. I guess. I don't know. Stavros is so old-fashioned about this for some reason. You turn your blinker and then you're like, where am I? What happened? I don't know stop rose is so old-fashioned about this for some reason you turn your blinker and then you're like where am i what happened i don't know i just i i feel like there's a lot of stuff going on in our in like the world right now that it's like us trying to maintain like us pretending we're educated like like you know not to shit on the audiobooks but that's kind of like it the worst thing is ted talks like don't people watch those and think they're fucking experts on you know malaysian

Starting point is 00:54:33 droughts now or something like that right or there's there's a new fucking cause and there's a new facebook petition oh hey hey who's fucking uh who's who's worried about stand your ground laws anymore huh a lot of hipsters worried about those anymore? No, because it's not in the fucking news cycle. All right. And it's like... Stavros, you're talking a lot here, but did we or did we not get Kony? That's right.

Starting point is 00:54:56 We did get Kony. I don't think we did, dude. I don't think so, no. Well, Kony has actually been out of power for several years now and lives in a different country. Yeah, and that's because of the Facebook post. No, that was before that, actually. All right, I take it all back. Come on, buddy.

Starting point is 00:55:10 I take it all back. But it's like, I guess my point is, I'm just dumber now than I was. And I'm, like, okay with that. Like, don't pretend you're smart. Just fucking embrace how dumb you're getting. You know what I mean? And if you're gonna change it Then actively change it and don't pretend like you are

Starting point is 00:55:28 I don't know There's a lot of shit We're preoccupied with a lot of stuff right now And it's easy to get preoccupied with things that are meaningless And if that's you Then face it head on Instead of like You know

Starting point is 00:55:42 Numbing yourself to that by listening to a fucking podcast about history and thinking you're a history buff. Or like somebody listens to this podcast and they're like, oh, I know all about footnotes now. Suck my dick. Do the research like we did. All of a sudden you're a juggalo

Starting point is 00:55:59 because you listen to the digressions. Get it together. I think that's just a problem with anything, that pretentiousness. That's like, oh, I saw the TED talk on, you know, like you said, like the irrigation systems. People thinking they know stuff from sources like that that tend to be somewhat peer-reviewed, or at least from scientific journals. Yeah, a lot of the TED talks are. And shitty web videos, like that zeitgeist thing, or, like, everybody calls it zeitgeist. Oh, fuck.

Starting point is 00:56:29 Those are just a whole other fucking lot. Those things are so funny because I had a friend who was really into the zeitgeist movement for, like, three months, right? Until he realized how stupid it was. No, he just, that's, like, exactly what we're talking about. Like, he's, and this kid is not, this kid, like, I think is now taking the steps to better himself. And he's always researching stuff and he really gets into things. And to his credit, he actually would, like, read books about it and stuff. So he just, he's just a curious guy who gets into things a lot.

Starting point is 00:56:57 And the Zeitgeist Movement, the best part about that was he'll tell me some stuff. I'm like, oh, okay, that's pretty cool. Like, our our system our economic system is fundamentally flawed something i can bang with you know what i mean like yeah we do have we do have too much stuff and maybe we should go into a thing where everyone shares more shit and then they're talking about we need more sustainable designs in our cities and then i'm like yeah yeah he's like and 9-11 was an inside job and i'm like what like where the fuck did this

Starting point is 00:57:25 come from i thought you were this cool kind of hippie thing yeah and then it's like yeah i mean it's so clear 9-11 was an inside job and it's like come on zeitgeist movement you couldn't have picked like the two cool things and ran with them you gotta throw you gotta throw 9-11 in there who's the pr guy for the zeitgeist? I think it's the guy that started it. Billy Corgan. I don't know. I'm not completely of the camp that 9-11 was an inside job,

Starting point is 00:57:54 but I also think that there's more to the story than they're telling. And that would be what? That it was an inside job. Look, man, talk to the fucking engineers okay just talk there's another guy who watched loose change and anytime you try and talk to him about it he would just be like talk to the engineers man just talk to him it's like you haven't talked to the engineers

Starting point is 00:58:17 i i do have the problem with uh like michael moore and those types of people like you can definitely tell like some documentaries like you're saying, they're definitely based in some facts, but then when they make that leap based on nothing and they make it real quick, they're like, now that we've got you believing us, then we can just pose questions as if they're fact. Like I remember watching Fahrenheit 9-11

Starting point is 00:58:37 and they said George Bush met with some dignitary from the Middle East the night before and it doesn't necessarily... Saudi Arabia. Yeah, and they're... It's like, well, what were they talking about in the Oval Office? some dignitary from the middle east the night before and it doesn't necessarily arabia yeah and then it's like well what were they talking about in the oval yeah like that never happens what what did they say over cigars and you're like what did they say it's like you can't do that you can't put that idea in people's heads but i do think that there there's definitely a history in this country of us faking things to get into wars or killing Americans to get into wars.

Starting point is 00:59:06 So there's something to that. And also the way that the buildings fell and those types of things. Well, I'll see you guys later. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. The buildings fell because the fireproofing was knocked off

Starting point is 00:59:21 by the jets. But why did they fall demolition style into themselves? That's how they were fucking... Isn't that the point? Because if they fall sideways... I'm not having this discussion. Yeah. Yeah. I almost did. I'll just say this.

Starting point is 00:59:37 If it was a controlled demolition, you would have heard it on the videos. You would have heard explosions. There's firefighters that say they heard explosions. Alright, here's my... Okay. Let me just... Also. There's firefighters that say they heard explosions. Also, Trade Center 7 went down for some reason. Unhit. It was hit with shit from the other stuff. Here's the thing.

Starting point is 00:59:55 You didn't notice that there were two towers that fell down and got shit everywhere? Oh yeah, and then all the other buildings around them fell. I'm not talking about 9-11. All right. Here's the point. Here's the point, though, with this kind of shit is that, like.

Starting point is 01:00:11 George W. Bush is a reptile. Absolutely. But it's like, I don't know. The government. Let's say the government wants to fuck with us, right, in some way. Like, this just seems like an amateur move. Like, oh, we're gonna fucking, we're gonna like,

Starting point is 01:00:29 we're gonna fucking make this huge conspiracy thing, and it's gonna be the biggest news that's happened in the last hundred years. The way the government fucks with people is like, they're putting shit in our water. Like, if the government wanted somebody, I don't know, like, if the government wanted somebody dead, they wouldn't just fucking murder him in the streets.

Starting point is 01:00:49 They would put toxins in his water that made him walk into a Safeway and start sucking his own dick. There's an entire list of many comically failed attempts at killing Castro. Yeah, like exploding cigars and things. The thing with conspiracy theories is every government is going to have politicians that conspire at one point or another with each other. Yeah, I agree with that. In America, that happens and they get caught sometimes. Iran-Contra was a conspiracy.

Starting point is 01:01:16 Watergate was a conspiracy. Yeah. A lot of people think that dropping the bomb instead of doing a land invasion was kind of a deceitful conspiracy to flex our nuclear muscles against the Soviets. But a conspiracy of the magnitude that it would take for 9-11 is just unimaginable. Not really when we have a history of getting into wars like that, like sinking the Louis Satania to get into World War I. And also we faked the Zimmerman telegram, which was supposed to be a telegram from Germany to Mexico saying.

Starting point is 01:01:52 If you got the whistle blown on you like these conspiracies have. Yeah. For causing 9-11 to happen. Yeah. Like we're not going to find out in 40 years that like 911 was an inch-high job, I don't think. Yeah, I'm saying that I don't know for sure. I'm not saying that George Bush ordered it. I'm just saying I think there's other things going on versus like, they attacked us for our freedoms, which isn't true either.

Starting point is 01:02:16 Yeah, well, they attacked us because we're fucking dickheads and have been fucking with everyone in the world. Right, and then immediately after, we go to war with Iraq, which had nothing to do with 9-11. Well, that was just clear. Yeah, it was certainly opportunistic. No, no, but here's the thing. Yeah. That's the thing that we can all agree was bullshit. That's how the government fucks with you.

Starting point is 01:02:33 They're like, they just lie to you straight up. Right. Like, to get their aim. Yes. You know what I mean? They do, but the lie would not have worked without 9-11, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, they're certainly going to take advantage of it.

Starting point is 01:02:45 The same reason they faked the attack on the USS Tonkin in Vietnam. They're saying, oh, we've been attacked by the Vietnamese. And they never were. So that's supposed to be predicated upon. They attacked us. We can attack them. So we just have this history of it is all I'm saying. So were they in on it?

Starting point is 01:03:01 I don't know. But they definitely could have been like, oh. I don't know, bro. You could murder a fucking ambassador in Iraq or something. You know what? I don't know but they definitely could have been i don't know bro you could murder a fucking you could murder like a fucking ambassador in iraq or something you know i don't know it just you don't kill fucking i'm okay i've stopped no no i'm with you i mean it's not like i'm saying that uh george bush ordered it or anything but i think there's definitely more to it than to be like oh we were attacked let's let it go yeah now we're into un oh, we were attacked. Let's let it go. Yeah. And now we're into unendable wars. No big deal.

Starting point is 01:03:27 Let's let it go. Bunch of crackpots out there. I think the thing was there were too much Arab people in the world for my taste, personally, in and around 2001. I think the numbers were just too high. And now we're looking at a much more manageable number. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:44 I think it's pretty simple when you look at it that way. We're getting, like, rid of the less pure races one at a time. Yeah. And I think don't be surprised to see maybe someone from the Congo drives a boat. Drives a boat. You know what I mean? Drives a submarine. Drives a boat into a lighthouse.

Starting point is 01:04:03 Into a lighthouse in a van. Drives a cruise ship into the what I mean? Drives a submarine. To a lighthouse. Into a lighthouse and a van. Drives a cruise ship into the Statue of Liberty. Then they're donezo. We'll see. That's all I'm saying. Just keep your eyes peeled for that one. It's the slowest attack ever. 30 miles an hour.

Starting point is 01:04:19 It's the dinosaur that pops out and attacks everyone you've got to worry about. It would be really cool okay i kind of hope you're right or like everyone who thinks it's like some kind of like really obvious conspiracies right and then like something like that happens next where they try one again it's like some guy drives a boat into the statue of liberty and he just like hits it gently and then just fucking fireworks come out of the base of the Statue of Liberty. And it just explodes. Just crumbles, yeah, demolition style.

Starting point is 01:04:48 A smaller Statue of Liberty next to it also goes down for some reason. That would be funny. Then I'm back in. Then 9-11 is worth it. Yeah, those huge ropes. Okay. We can all agree 9-11 was an inside job. How long have you been doing comedy? Just on the record, 9-11 was an inside job How long you been doing comedy?

Starting point is 01:05:09 Just on the record 9-11 Inside job I want that on the record forever for the rest of my life Okay so let's That's a problem with podcasts We're just fucking around When we run for president one day Yeah exactly

Starting point is 01:05:22 When I'm president This is really going to fuck me up. Born in America. In the debates I was. Just snuck in here. And I snuck out of that vagina and snuck on into the country, right? That's right. That's right.

Starting point is 01:05:36 Let's move on to other stuff. I don't know. Holocaust and that. Yeah. There are people who also think that I'm done. That's the one thing that's just like... You don't have to be done. You know, I honestly, like, I know this might sound weird, but I really...

Starting point is 01:05:51 God, I cannot wait for the next words out of your mouth. I tried. Okay. I thought you were serious. God damn it, Mike. Look, I'm not saying... Look, I'm not saying that, like, God damn it, Mike. Look, I'm not saying that Franklin Roosevelt ordered the Holocaust directly. I'm just saying.

Starting point is 01:06:14 There was no such thing as Jews before 1946. There's no record. Look it up. Look for Pearl Harbor on a map before 1942. Look for it. It wasn't there. Yeah. It was just one big pineapple boat that would walk around and you'd get pineapple and get jerked off by a Hawaiian lady.

Starting point is 01:06:34 It was a big vacation spot. That was a problem. That was a real problem for us. Yeah, I'm definitely not one of those people that's like a conspiracy theorist with everything like Alex Jones. Professor Griff. Yeah, those people yeah those people kind of drive me nuts as well because it's just not based on fact yeah i know i don't i don't think you're you're some sort of nut job well you know did you guys see i do think i do think perfectly rational intelligent smarter people than me believe weird stuff all the time

Starting point is 01:07:01 sure sure did you guys see alex jones on uh piers morgan no i saw the blurb for that i didn't it was insane yeah he starts did you see it part of it but not he just started freaking out on piers morgan he's like and if you think you're gonna take our guns like in his face with his finger in his face like that's what stalin did that's what mussolini did that's what hitler did and 1776 is gonna happen again he's like all right i do love that there's like just a contingent of people who uh think if the government were like just fucking march on their street because they have a fucking shotgun they're gonna stop they're gonna stop yeah like we're stopping the military with yeah yeah assault rifle or even and that's the

Starting point is 01:07:44 other thing what we were talking about earlier If the government wants you fucking dead If the government wanted Alex Jones dead He would just fucking drown And you know what I mean He would drown and no one would hear about it That's how that shit goes down There's no fucking

Starting point is 01:07:59 Obama doesn't come out here with a Kenyan army You know what I mean But he would like to, Stavros. He would love to do that. I think for the most part I agree with you that in this day and age, the populace having guns isn't really necessary. Back in the day, you had to fight off the militia from raping your wife or whatever. Right, no.

Starting point is 01:08:18 But if there were some sort of economic downturn, which is unlikely but possible, like a huge economic downturn where all of a sudden the can of peas costs $400, then it might be necessary to protect yourself from the government. I guess there is this thing where I think the idea that we need guns for our personal protection is kind of reassuring to people thinking they have any control over their personal protection. And really statistically, you're endangering yourself more by owning your gun. And in the society that you've decided to live in, you don't have any... The government does whatever the fuck they want. Honestly,

Starting point is 01:08:54 it's gonna fucking happen. You don't live on a farm 800 miles from anyone else. You don't have to patrol. You haven't trained your dogs to fucking hunt engines. You don't trained your dogs to fucking hunt engines. Like, you don't farm your own food. You're completely reliant on this shitty system that the government is almost completely in charge of.

Starting point is 01:09:13 If they fuck shit up, you're just dead, bro. Like, there's nothing you can do about it. Right. You have a social security number. You're on the grid. You should become survivalists. I'm just saying, if it goes to shit, I'm just going to fucking...

Starting point is 01:09:27 I'll last for a week or two, but I'm done. All of us, we're going to die. Survivalists are going to die too. There's nobody who's drilling in a militia. It's probably not. That stuff's not going to happen. People are always scared to death that

Starting point is 01:09:43 in a year, in two years, everything's going to go to shit. And they've been saying that for as long as I can remember. Yeah. Most of the time. Well, I mean, there is a black president. Don't get me started on that.

Starting point is 01:09:56 Yeah, Bill Burr brought up a good point, too. He was talking about this on his podcast and saying how he wants a gun for protection. But really, if the shit does hit the fan,

Starting point is 01:10:04 he's just holding the gun for the huge guy if the shit does hit the fan he's just holding the gun for the huge guy down the street who's gonna come and kick in his door and take his gun or whatever group of marauders that come in like you think you're like yeah as soon as i get a desert eagle i'll be all right it's like no there's people with more guns that are bigger than you that are always gonna fuck your shit just try and live responsibly and keep the society going instead of buying a fucking gun. Pay your taxes. Not devolving into primitive states. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 01:10:30 That's the thing. It's like if these people just fucking, instead of buying a gun, maybe contributed a little bit for education for poor kids, then our society is way better than if you just bought, you know, something with 800 bullets in a clip.

Starting point is 01:10:44 Right. It's for fucking protection. That is a funny thing. You already have a good society, and they're like, well, when this goes to shit, we have to rebuild a good society. It's like, why don't we just focus on the good society? We're already there.

Starting point is 01:10:56 Has there ever been an example of, like, a first-world, ultra-civilized, industrialized nation that completely just fell into primitive warfare overnight. Russia maybe, but I don't know. No, not really. European countries have had civil wars, but

Starting point is 01:11:15 Greece had a civil war in the 50s between fascists and communists, essentially. And I could see that being useful to have your own fucking guns but i don't know man it's like yeah like i said if there's if something goes down we're all just gonna fucking die so let's hope it doesn't so let's work on not making that exactly yeah yeah i'm with you but anyway so aliens are real we got to that Zulu yet Zeno general Zeno yeah

Starting point is 01:11:48 yeah it's okay you know you're not a the level side you know you're not the level of Scientologist I am I'm a level 27 nobody I can feel your levels from here man yeah pretty nice I also have my dick on your leg I've got a black belt in Zeke Geist. Oh, yeah? Ooh. I've got a black belt in putting my dick on people's legs. I've seen your work. You're very good. Pretty good. You're very good.

Starting point is 01:12:13 They don't even know. Very quick. Mm-hmm. What else? What's bothering you, Stavros? Let's get into that. What's bothering me? Yeah, what's on your mind, buddy? Let's wrap it up.

Starting point is 01:12:23 Let's wrap it up on a good note. What's bothering you? What's bothering me? I don't fucking know. What the hell's mind, buddy? Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up on a good note. What's bothering you? What's bothering me? I don't fucking know. I just... What the hell's wrong with you? There's a lot of stuff wrong with me. Let's start from the beginning.

Starting point is 01:12:34 The year is 1987. 89. Andy Dufresne. 89. Oh, my goodness. Wow. You know what I was doing in 1989? I was blowing coke off of hookers' backs.

Starting point is 01:12:45 Nice. Wow. You know what I was doing in 1989? I was blowing coke off of hookers' backs. Nice. Wow. I was blowing coke into Stevie Nicks' ass in 1989. I was blowing. Yeah. That's a coke and ass craze. Well, yeah. I mean, a lot of people's nostrils had fallen apart, so you got to blow it up the ass.

Starting point is 01:13:01 Absolutely. I had that bumper. I was sucking on some titties. You know what I'm saying? Oh! Woo! My mama's titties because I was one years some titties You know what I'm saying My mama's titties because I was one years old Okay it's one year old I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi Sorry about that buddy

Starting point is 01:13:12 You're on the train I'm a bit of a genocide Nazi guys A bit of a race Nazi That's fucking funny Should I write that down? Yeah seriously Don't write Nazi. That's fucking funny. Should I write that down? Yeah, seriously. It's not funny. Don't worry about it.

Starting point is 01:13:26 Different type of Nazi. Don't write it down. It's not funny. No, that's really funny, actually. As Stavros writes it down. I'm already on stand-up ideas. Perfect. Alex Broslowski and I were doing, the other night we were on Chat Roulette.

Starting point is 01:13:40 Why not? We were trying to work out a bit for chuckle storm but apparently chat roulette now you need to have three 10 minute conversations with somebody before you can uh do a video chat so it has to all be audio and we're chatting with these two girls and they were just like hey how big are your dicks blah blah blah and then they had a picture of them so we decided to draw them and then of course we draw a swastika and they're like oh my god it's like sorry girls we're a couple nazis it's like the idea of like two nazis like on chat roulette just hanging out right i respect your political affiliations right

Starting point is 01:14:17 and they just forgot to be clear about it then we get oh i'm sorry we're nazis you guys sorry if we ruined your good time. Sorry. Keep chatting with other people. Maybe it shouldn't be a good time. We're going to find a dead body. Stand by me. I haven't seen it. Stand by me.

Starting point is 01:14:33 What? You've never seen... Josh, you want to take this one? You've never... You've never seen Stand by Richard Dreyfuss? Yeah. None of them. That's a common joke on phoenix on this podcast

Starting point is 01:14:46 where like you say no to something and then somebody's like really you've never blah blah you got me it's a good thing you asked me twice because i was lying king novella the body i haven't from different seasons nope you ever seen stand by me oh stand by me seen Stand By Me? Oh, Stand By Me with Jerry O'Connell as a fat kid. Will Wheaton. Oh, Stand By Me. Sorry, bros. I didn't. I've seen Fern Gully. Have you guys seen Fern Gully?

Starting point is 01:15:15 Fern Gully? It's pretty cool. Fern Gully. I saw the Fern Gully. So you guys have seen Fern Gully? I've never seen Ferngully. Ferngully? Ferngully? No, it's Ferngully, you fucking putz.

Starting point is 01:15:31 This guy, Ferngully. Learn how to pronounce words, Mike. Right? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:15:43 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:15:44 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:15:44 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!! Richard Dreyfuss plays the older one. Yeah, and Fern Gully. And Fern Gully. All right, so nothing's bothering you? You're okay, buddy? I have my own problems.

Starting point is 01:15:55 They're not worked out. Okay. Podcast forms, just like... I know. Hey, you're going to get that race war going one day. I try so hard. I know. Do you know in how many bathroom stalls I've written the N-word?

Starting point is 01:16:08 Hundreds. I know that's why you were late today. I was all over Hamden. Dropping N-bombs. Dropping my fucking pamphlets about how Jews are shifty. No one wants to listen to them. And it's like, okay, fine. When they rob you, when they get their

Starting point is 01:16:27 Jew mitts all over your savings, then we'll talk about it. When they sink their horns into your pure white baby. When they get their bar mitzvahs all over you. Exactly, man. Are there racist podcasts out there? There must be. That's such a good point. Let's look that up. There's probably like a KKK

Starting point is 01:16:43 podcast. Right, like on a comedy podcast you might might be worried it's not like funny or interesting. And then on a racist one, you're like, were we racist enough? Did we really throw enough people? There is one called The Pope is the Antichrist. Okay. Is that a Sinead O'Connor's podcast? No. Probably like some Baptist or something.

Starting point is 01:17:03 Deep pull on that one, guys. Remember on SNL, she ripped a picture of the Pope in half? I do. That was Milli Vanilli. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Where they shaved their heads and became one white woman. Yeah. You know what I'll tell you, though? That was one instance of

Starting point is 01:17:17 people thinking that she was a crazy conspiracy theorist, and she was right. What was her... Well, she ripped up a picture of the Pope in protest of what she claimed was a papal conspiracy to conceal the molestation of thousands of children. Holy shit. Oh, wait a minute.

Starting point is 01:17:33 She was completely right, and the whole world thought she was insane. Really? Just like Josh Goddard on this podcast about 9-11. I didn't see you rip up a picture of George W. Bush, bro. Okay, give me one second. Boo! Oh, boy. Theater of George W. Bush, bro. Okay. Give me one second. Boo. Oh, boy. Theater of the mind, Stavros.

Starting point is 01:17:50 Did you see that? Wow. It happened. I'm convinced now. I'm glad we gave you that chair to sit in. Sure, you have it, but you only need the edge during this podcast, right? That's true. Right?

Starting point is 01:18:01 Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?

Starting point is 01:18:04 Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?

Starting point is 01:18:04 Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? podcast right right right oh man so stav got a super comedy show super comedy comedy coming up friday i'm really excited about yeah there's a lot of shit going on comedy wise i'm very excited about um just doing more stuff i'm trying to get into more clubs uh working at mcgoobies oh boy do you know who you'll be hosting, boy. Do you know who you'll be hosting? Are you hosting or going to be featuring? Hosting.

Starting point is 01:18:27 They're not... It takes a while to get bumped up to feature. Yeah. But I'll be hosting. Do you know what shows you're going to be hosting? Not yet. Sometimes. I did one already with Tony Woods,

Starting point is 01:18:37 who's a really funny dude. Cool. Was he a nice fella? Yeah, he was really cool. Right. Cool bro. Is he a DC guy? Yeah, he's from DC,

Starting point is 01:18:44 and the guy is just like... It was so hard because you want to make a nice impression on all these guys. You want these actual working stand-ups to like you. But it's just like I have nothing to fucking say. I have no life experience. My life is I went to college and I'm doing stand-up. And I've never had any real problems. I mentioned you were on the digression session several times true like hey tony don't you wish wish there was a 30 pack

Starting point is 01:19:10 of nuggets am i right come on buddy let's chat and so yeah he would tell me these cool stories about 9-11 inside job what do you think let's chat let's chat let's chat why are you insisting that that's like his catchphrase let's chat chat. That's the name of Starburst's first album. Let's chat. Let's chat. And then I'm just kind of like, got a fireplace. Yeah. I got a fucking Christmas sweater.

Starting point is 01:19:33 Let's have a fireside chat. Nazi flag in the background. I got polio and a nice fireplace. I've got polio. And I don't. That's what FDR's casual encounters Would say

Starting point is 01:19:51 I've got polio and a real nice fireplace Looking to get down My wife's out lezzing out somewhere Couldn't get to the hot springs Nope Couldn't get a car to hot springs Why don't you drop by the oval office Give me some dough Let's chat FDR to the Hot Springs? Nope. Couldn't get a car to Hot Springs? Why don't you drop by the Oval Office?

Starting point is 01:20:06 Give me some dome. Let's chat. Let's chat. Why don't you give me some dome? FDR. Frankie D. Roosevelt. Frankie D. That's right.

Starting point is 01:20:15 The D is for dome. That's what his friends call him. Yeah, everyone thinks it's Delano, but it's dome. Franklin Dome getting Roosevelt.

Starting point is 01:20:22 Delano? It's Delano. Delano, bro. Come on. I think it's Milanoome getting Roosevelt. Delano. It's Delano. Delano, bro. Come on. I think it's Milano. Milano. Milano. I think it's Franklin Milano Roosevelt.

Starting point is 01:20:32 That's actually his illegitimate son. We did it. We did it. It took us a while, this podcast. I set it up. I loosened up that jar for you. You said it. You were the shorter lady in volleyball who set it up. I loosened up that jar for you. You said it. You were the shorter

Starting point is 01:20:45 lady in volleyball who hits it small. I'm doing a visual thing right now, guys. If you were in the room, it'd be captivating as fuck. I didn't know you knew so much about volleyball, by the way. We should have got into that at the beginning of the podcast. Yeah, I love volleyball. I love spikes. I love serves. I love

Starting point is 01:21:02 the other lady who's wearing a different colored shirt for some reason. Isn't that great? Did you guys notice how many hugs there are in volleyball when the Olympics happened? Am I the only one that saw that? Lots of hugs. I heard they're actually disciplined for going

Starting point is 01:21:16 a little hug crazy. Penalties. Maybe they have to fuck each other. They're using performance-enhancing hugs. I stole that. Hey, now. Special effects under investigation for performance enhancing hugs. Just stealing everything.

Starting point is 01:21:33 Hey, at least I say when I stole. That's good. You should do a whole stand-up set like that. I stole that. I stole it, too. I stole that. That would be pretty funny. All right, Stav, we can find you on the internets.

Starting point is 01:21:46 Stavcomedy.com. Oh, boy. Who do you have your website through, by the way? I don't know. I have a friend who does web shit. Okay. I actually think Internet Explorer. Is it IE9?

Starting point is 01:21:58 I have no idea. I was making a joke as if that would be too obvious. What kind of code do you use? I think I use, through the internet. I think I use like, um, like, uh, pig Latin.

Starting point is 01:22:09 Yeah. Oh, code. Uh, Java, Java and cookies. I use Java cookies and, um,

Starting point is 01:22:17 the home button. Good for you. Yeah. Good. So just, just Bing Stavros Halkias. Bing Stavros Halkias. And we'll find you.

Starting point is 01:22:25 Yeah. Okay. And you're on the, uh, you're on Twitter. Twitter Bing Stavros Haukius Bing Stavros Haukius And we'll find you Yeah Okay And you're on the You're on Twitter Twitter Stav Comedy Facebook.com Slash Stav Comedy My man Trying to get to 300 followers

Starting point is 01:22:34 Wow At like 290 something Really You're doing better than Jesus already You only had like 12 Fucking And one of them Right

Starting point is 01:22:42 Yeah Right The fellow with the oversized nose. He really unfollowed him, huh? Judas, like, that was the harshest unfollow. Right. Yeah, it doesn't get worse than that. That was the insult to injury.

Starting point is 01:22:58 He's on the cross. Judas just hits the unfollow. Damn. I hope he bought something nice with that silver. Yeah, probably. He'd keep it at suicide before he could spend it. Conspiracy theory, actually. He actually ran the church.

Starting point is 01:23:16 Holy shit. I'm going to let you guys in. You know, I think Jesus came back. Judas was just jealous of all that fucking Mary Magdalene pussy. So he sets Jesus up. Then he goes into his grave, right? Eats Jesus completely. Just eats him.

Starting point is 01:23:30 That's part of it. And wears his hair as a wig. Right. Pretends he's Jesus. Oh, I came back. Hey, Mary Magdalene, suck my dick one last time before I go back to heaven for good. You thought it was dead. Finally got blown by

Starting point is 01:23:45 By MM Good Good for him Started a whole religion Just to get some Mary Magdalene pussy I'm just picturing Judas With like the laziest wig

Starting point is 01:23:53 Like Jesus' scalp Is still attached Just like blood Kind of trickling down He's like Hey it's me Jesus I'm back Anyway

Starting point is 01:24:00 Yep Inside job you guys Alright Stable Thanks for joining us on the podcast. I'm not saying Pontius Pilate fucking set it up. I'm just saying. There's a long history of Pontius Pilate setting things up to kill people. Look at the history, folks.

Starting point is 01:24:18 You think the Romans just. Just talk to the engineers, guys. All right. Why did the cross fall that way? Think about it that way, you guys? Think about it that way. It was coincidence that the Persians invaded ancient Greece. Guys, watch the video. It's a controlled crucifixion.

Starting point is 01:24:34 You see it, the way that the crucifixion folds in on itself? That's good. I know a lot of carpenters who say you couldn't build a cross like that. No way, you guys. There's no way you would die on a cross like that. Look, the crucifiers, a couple of those guys hurt a lot of carpenters who say you couldn't build a cross like that. No way, you guys. There's no way you would die on a cross like that. Look, the crucifiers, a couple of those guys hurt. The crucifiers, Bob. They hurt explosions.

Starting point is 01:24:52 That's all I'm saying. Is it strange? The crucifiers. That son of a bitch. They would actually fry you while they were crucifying you back then. The crucifiers club. It would say the man of the hour. That's what I said.

Starting point is 01:25:05 You said club? That's good. It would say the man of the hour. That's what I said. You said club? That's good. I'm joining in with you, fella. Jesus Christ. On that sign above Jesus' head it said

Starting point is 01:25:13 man of the hour. Yeah. And they would sit there and they'd sucker punch Jesus at his expense lightheartedly

Starting point is 01:25:21 until he died. The harshest roast ever. After that they're like maybe we should take maybe just the friars. Maybe we shouldn't be the crucifriars. And that's how the friars club was started. The aristocrats. Now this fellow says he's the king of the Jews. How come we don't know anything about this guy between, I don't know, the ages of 12 and 33?

Starting point is 01:25:44 Anybody ever think about that? I'd say he's more the king of the losers. Oh, damn. Take it easy, Dom Rickles. Got him. Dom Rickles style. Hey, don't flatter yourself, Jesus. You didn't need a loincloth that big.

Starting point is 01:25:58 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. All right, well. I hope we're not going to get too many calls from the FCC. I hope we do. I hope we do. I love those fellas over there at the FCC. All right. Well. I hope we're not going to get too many calls from the FCC. I hope we do. I hope we do. I love those fellas over there at the FCC. By the way, I didn't like this.

Starting point is 01:26:10 Let's just trash it and start over. Do you want to start over? Yeah, just trash the whole thing. Well, I wasn't recording. This was just the warm-up. This is the warm-up one anyway. This is what we do to warm up. Nice.

Starting point is 01:26:19 Perfect. Do you want to get any more racial slurs out of the way? Let's just start completely fresh and cut out all the stuff that maybe we shouldn't have talked about in the first place. So let's start over starting now. And Jews are shitty and they cost 9-11. Okay, so are we starting now? Is that how you say 1, 2, 3? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:41 Testing, testing. Zionist conspiracy. Black people are the worst now bell curve one two bell curve one two very nice okay well thanks Stavros thanks for coming by

Starting point is 01:26:59 it was a pleasure are we recording? are we recording? Are we recording? Have we started yet? Oh, I didn't think we started yet. We were talking for two and a half hours. Oh, is this the podcast? Is this what this is?

Starting point is 01:27:14 Why does every fucking comedy podcast have to start like that? We started yet? That's how we do it around here. We're pretty wacky. That's right. Do you guys have any like boing sounds? Yeah, I can put some of those in afterwards. Could you?

Starting point is 01:27:28 Sure. Just like when we say something real funny like 9-11, boing, boing, boing, boing. Auschwitz, boing, boing, boing. I just want to sample you saying that actually. That'll just be it. Auschwitz, boing, boing, boing. All right. Genocide.

Starting point is 01:27:43 Badoosh. Ooh. All right right Flushing toilet Oh, I think our new catchphrase at the end of the show Is going to be the guest saying What a great time they had on the show So Stavros, if you could say Golly, did I ever have a great time on this fine program Okay, thanks, thanks buddy

Starting point is 01:28:03 I feel his heart wasn't in that. Oh, boy. Did I have a good time. Now I think he's dulled. Could you do it as Bruno now, not Borat? Okay. And also, could you say the Degression Sessions podcast, please? I had a really good time at the Segregation Sessions podcast.

Starting point is 01:28:23 The Desegregation Sessions. Segregation Sessions podcast. The desegregation session. The segregation session. Just because we're doing a podcast, we record in the basement. It's not me. Join us next time for the segregation sessions

Starting point is 01:28:34 where we cover Arabs. With dirt. Up to their necks and throw rocks at them. Segregation sessions. I had a great time doing the segregation sessions podcast. I love the fact that we don't rely on shock to be funny. Nope.

Starting point is 01:28:52 As always, Jefferson Davis, our president in 2016. And we love you. George Washington Carver and then a peanut butter. Yep. Okay. Nope. All right. Good times.

Starting point is 01:29:03 We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it.

Pet Camera - EBO Air 2

The Digression Sessions - Ep. 62 - Stavros Halkias!

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Pet Camera - EBO Air 2

The Digression Sessions - Ep. 62 - Stavros Halkias!

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.