The Digression Sessions - Ep. 63 - Jim Meyer Returns!

Episode Date: February 11, 2013

- Sarah Jessica Parlor - Hola Digheads! This week, Mike and Josh have the pleasure of chatting with the talented writer and stand up comedian, Jim Meyer! Jim is a grown ass man and walking this world as a Comedy Highlander. Jim Meyer has been called the greatest force of laughter the Earth will ever know by Jim Meyer. He has been called a ray of light in a world overcome with darkness by Josh Kuderna. He's also been called Mike by the Chinese woman at the sub shop who never remembers his name. We were lucky enough to talk to Jim about his trip to the holy land – Petersburg, Kentucky – to visit the Creation Museum for an article he’s writing for Grist Magazine. Jim explains that Adam and Eve walked amongst velociraptors 6,000 years ago. Just a little while before Noah built that big boat! Jim also shares the harrowing story of when he fought of a robber on the porch of his Baltimore home. It’s truly a terrifying story, and we really appreciate Jim sharing the story on the cast. We also discuss boring Satanist churches, hipster Al Borland, Tom Brady’s made of CGI materials, Darfur – Worse Than the Other 3!, Mike accuses Josh of being TV ugly, Calvin peeing on stuff and praying for stuff, eastern standard Hammer Time (HT), and so much more! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on Twitter! @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @Jimmy2Bad

Oh yeah! Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. I am the sick half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Kadernas. Sitting to my left is usually my co-host, my confidant, my co-pilot when Jesus calls out sick, Mr. Mike Moran. And on this week's episode of our little comedy podcast that could,

we are joined by the writer and hilarious comedian Jim Meyer. Yeah. We actually sat down with Jim a couple weeks ago, so apologies to him for being a little tardy on posting this thing, but we've got some episodes chambered, and hopefully there'll be one out every Monday for the next forever, Dig Heads. But this is a good episode to start with.

We talked to Jim about everything in this one. This is one of our ranger podcasts. We go from football talk to making fun of the Creation Museum. Jim tells a story about traveling to the Creation Museum for Grist Magazine, which he writes for. And you can check out all his articles at grist.org. And we make fun of that.

And then Jim also shares a story about fending off a mugger who tried to break into his house one night when Jim was coming home from the bar. And, yeah, it's a pretty harrowing story. And Jim ended up being okay, and his family was okay. But, wow, that's just, yeah, it's insane because it could really happen to anybody. So thank you to Jim for sharing that. We really appreciate it.

You can find Jim online at Jimmy2Bad on Twitter. That's Jimmy number 2 bad. You can see all his articles, like I said, at grist.org. And he also writes for the City Paper, a column called Spitballin', which is very funny. You can check that out at the Baltimore City Paper website, citypaper.com. And, yeah, check it out. Jim is a special guy. We like that, Jim Maya.

And you can find us online at digressionsessions.com, on Twitter at digsashpod. I am on Twitter as well, at betterrobotjosh. And Mr. Michael Moran is at MichaelMoran10. As far as articles go, our own Mike Moran has an article that he posted about Joe Flacco dropping the F-bomb in the Super Bowl. Can you believe it, you guys? I know, the outrage.

And if you go to NorthBaltimore.patch.com, you can read all about it. Shows coming up. I'll be a part of a sketch and improv show. Baltimore Improv Group is putting their first sketch show on Friday, February 15th, and Saturday, February 16th at the Mob Town Theater. Go to bigimprov.org for tickets. It's going to be super fun. Live sketch followed by improv. What the hell else could you ask for? It's going to be super fun. Live sketch followed by improv. What the hell else could you

ask for? It's going to be a damn good time. A damn good time. But yeah, apologies for the tardiness of the episodes. We're going to try to stay regular. We've taken our Metamucil, our digital podcast Metamucil. And sorry, my voice sounds weird like I'm dying. I'm not. I assure you I'm not dying. I'm healthy and well. I feel great. All right, let's get into the episode. We love you. scary oh my god i can hear me uh this mic that mic, how many mics? Wow. So many mics. Mic.

Oh. So no peas. Or I'll just do peas over here. I'll go pea. Peas, porridge. Peas, porridge, hot. We'll just dub you over with a... Peas, porridge, cold. Like that.

I'll keep my head on a swivel as they say. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, America. That's what I'm going to say. That's really all I'm going to say on your podcast, by the way. This is an international podcast.

Yeah, but I'm not talking to the foreigners. You'll delete me for the foreign version, right? Yeah, it'll just be silence. And then I'll say, ha ha. Good point. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. When do we start?

We're not started, are we? Yeah, we started. Have you ever listened to a comedy podcast before? If you're asking if we've started, we've definitely started. Well, I didn't know if you play the intro stuff, because we were sitting down and I have headphones on. Right. I don't know what the hell's going on because we were sitting down and I have headphones on. Right. You know, I don't know what the hell's going on.

Right. All the racial epithets and stuff that you said about gay people. Yeah. It's all picked up. I stand by all of it. Gay people are our only defense against the Lichtensteiners. What's a Lichtensteiner? From Lichtenstein. Filthy clock monkeys.

Okay. Clock monkeys. All right. Yeah. My dad was a clock monkey. Well, I guess you can say that. Yeah. You cannot say that.

I can't say clock monkey. Me and the other clock monkeys. Jim, would you like a beverage? I would. I was going to bring some, but I didn't. Yeah, I noticed that. You noticed that? I had to run home. Are we on?

Are we really doing this now? Yeah, we're recording. But no, Jim said, hey, I'll bring over some beer. I said, great. Jim gets to the door. Oh, I see. I look at his hands. I don't see any beer in there. Not a single one. Well, there's one. Yeah, but I brought that.

That looks like a bottle of Worcestershire sauce. I want that one, Jim. Why do people call it Worcestershire sauce? Worcestershire? It's very clearly Worcestershire. Worcestershire? Worcestershire. I've never heard anyone say that.

Yeah, they all say Worcestershire sauce, which is not at all accurate. Jim, where do you fall on this? There's certain things I don't think are meant for public consumption. I think there's some things I like to keep private. And this is one of them. Okay.

You're going to be a great podcast guest, by the way. No, we hit on a touchy subject. He made it clear before that he really didn't want to talk about Worcestershire sauce. We've got clear before that he really didn't want to talk about Worcestershire or something. We've got to respect that. Not everybody wants to disclose everything about themselves. I don't want to come out here and start talking

about your obsession with masturbating to faces of death. Yeah, and I appreciate that. Nor do I talk about your masturbating to faces of death, let alone the obsession. Exactly, and that's the thing about this show. It's a comedy show let's keep it light let's just have fun right um i'm gonna open this up to everybody but jim i'm gonna start with you 9 11 inside job

go yes okay all right mike no all right that's all the time we have thanks again for listening to the digression sessions i think we learned a lot you You know, you bring up popular or current events, and I just heard today there was a terrorist had taken some hostages, and Algerian special forces saved the day by killing some of the hostages and some of the terrorists. Right. And I wonder what it takes to be an Algerian. Like, shoes, I think, makes you special forces in Algeria. Like, I don't think the bar is real terrorists. Right. And I wonder what it takes to be an Algerian. Like, shoes, I think, makes you special forces in Algeria. Like, I don't think the bar is real high.

Right. They're probably really good on the monkey bars when they do the training, you know? Yeah. Like, they're like the level of a wolf scout, you know? Well, you know, in... It's not quite a wee blow. They can tie a killer knot, but, you know, not too many.

Was I the only one who was deterred from moving up in the Boy Scouts because I didn't want to be a wee blow? You just stopped at the pooper? I have my morals. In Sierra Leone, part of moving up in rank meant you got to wear the more outlandish Halloween costumes in the children's army. Like the crazy wigs and wedding dresses and stuff because the crazier you dress, the more

invincible it makes you on the battlefield. I didn't know that. Yeah, there was in Liberia, there was General Buck Naked. Really? Yeah, he would fight completely naked and eat the hearts of his enemies and things like that. It almost seems like that's like... And break the hearts. That was the big problem. He would break

the hearts of his own forces. It sounds like that's just like propaganda to get them to stop killing each other, you know? Like, you know, if you wore a wedding dress, you'd totally be more awesome. Okay, cool. Fine. I will. There's this whole thing where they try and end child soldiers. But I don't think we would encourage that in any country we might have to fight.

We never have to fight Africa. Yeah, it seems like a lot easier to fight toddlers. My kid can't even lift an M16 or an F16. Or spell the F16, right? No, he can't really spell. He can spell, ah.

He can spell that. Is your son a goat by any chance? No. He sounds like a goat. He looks a little like a goat. His mom's a goat? No. Much like Damien?

Are you the devil? Did you have sex with it? It was a jackal. Jackal and the devil had sex. They put a jackal in the coffin, but it's not like his mom gave birth to a jackal. No, I thought his mom was a jackal. I thought Satan had sex with a jackal and that made Damien. No.

No? Okay. You think that Satan had sex with a jackal and then the jackal came to Earth and had sex with his mom? No. No, I thought the mom was the jackal. No. Okay. At what point did you think the mom was a jackal?

Did the woman playing the mom in the omen look like a jackal to you? When he goes, my mom was a jackal. Do you remember when Damien said that? Vaguely. Okay, see? That's where I'm pulling it from. I think that's lost in time. Translation?

Yeah, like time. That's something they said in the 70s probably. My mom is a real jackal. She won't let me do any of my fun stuff until I'm done with all my chores and homework. I like that Damien would talk like that too. Just like leave it to Beaver. Like, oh boy, mom, stop. You know how like Milf or Cougar is like a hot older, maybe Jackal is like a really ugly young chick.

Huh. Yeah. Yeah. We should do like an anthropomorphic movie about Hollywood and we could have a character named Jackal Blackle. It would be like. Is this a blaxploitation film? A blackle-sploitation film. We'll exploit all of the blackles.

Yeah. Let's just do Dolomite, but with the black jackal. That's not a bad idea. It could be Dolomite, like spelled like a mite, if we're doing animals. It could be like a tiny parasite of some sort. Well, I mean, you know, you'd adjust it. That is not a racist comment, by the way. Parasite playing a parasite.

Am I right, guys? Come on. Damn Lichtensteiners. Fucking clock monkeys. Fucking having their anchor clock babies. Those goddamn white-nosed tootsies. This microphone you've given me is confusing. What's wrong with it?

Well, you want to talk into the... I want to talk into the top, but the top is the wrong place to talk. You're talking to the side, and I feel like a jackal. But then if I talk into the part that you want to talk into, you sound like you don't even hear me. I hear you. You're showing up. Well, that's the worst thing to happen to you today. Well, that's because I'm talking to talk into, you sound like you don't even hear me. I hear you. You're showing up. Well, that's the worst thing to happen to you today. Well, that's because I'm talking to the side like some sort of dumb fuck from Lichtenstein.

Listen. Going a little crazy with the callbacks, Jim. Yeah. Also, let's stagger them out a little bit. Yeah, don't say dumb fuck for another, like, 15 minutes, okay? You're making me feel like a child soldier from Sierra Leone. All right? Mm-hmm. Mm-one. All right. Hmm.

Hmm. All right. Well, you all right with the microphone, Jim? You good? No, I'm grasping. I'm a professional. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but okay. All right.

All right. It's a challenge, and I want the people at home to know. I don't think people know what you go through to do this show. It is difficult. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's sitting drinking. A one-way street yep and like if you go up the street from my house you end up below this house on the one-way street so you have to back up the street to get parking you know you could have

walked i mean i guess but you don't care you don't care about mother earth so that's okay i walked and i'm almost i was almost as far away as you so Mm-hmm. So, you know. My time is more valuable than yours. Like, I have things to do. Like what? Raise a child. All that kind of stuff, you know. Cure cancer. Cause cancer.

I have to cure chicken. Of? I have to cure some chicken to eat later. Yeah. What does that mean? Cure chicken. Like curing meat? I don't think you can cure a chicken. Why not? What is curing?

I want to say it's like drying it out. Because you get the salmonella. You get the salmonella. I love that book by Salmonella. Satanic Verses. Yeah.

What is the Satanic verses, yeah. Yeah. What is the satanic verses? I have no idea. I don't know either. I think it's... I get that confused with the satanic Bible for some reason. Are the satanic verses just like the hymns that you have at Satanist churches? Probably. I wonder if Satanist churches are just as boring as regular church.

Like, when is Satanist church going to be over? When you refer to satanic verse 1413. When our Lord, dark Lord, had sex with a jackal. It's just like the regular Bible, but it just reverses. And Joshua did not go to the people. I think the only difference is the sign of the cross ends with a thumbs up. Right. I thought that was pretty solid.

I'm sorry. Well, Jim, thanks for joining us on the podcast. It's been great. I probably didn't earn a spot on the wall. Yeah. My girlfriend's put pictures of everybody on the wall. Not everybody. That have been on the wall. Yeah. My girlfriend's put pictures of everybody on the wall. Not everybody. That have been on the show.

Sorry. Not everybody that counts on the wall. Everybody that counts. Everybody that was worth a frame. Notice I'm not up there. You're one of the monkeys. Hey, hey, you're the monkey. That's true.

Yeah, you're Davey Jones. Really? You're Davey Jones. Why didn't anyone tell me that I'm now in the monkeys replacing Davey Jones? This has been Ashton Kutcher's longest punked. He's going to pop in any minute now. The longest punked. Dan or Alex.

You're not really alive. You're in the Matrix. The biggest punked of all. Whoa. And the long game on this one. The long punk. The longest punk ever. Punked.

But yeah, Jim, it's been a minute since I've seen you. How are you, sir? I'm excellent. All right. Okay. You look good. I feel good. I feel like I feel a little low-key right now.

You look a little bit like a hipster Al Borland. I don't know what an Al Borland is. Tool time. I don't think so, Tim. Oh, is that the guy next door that you didn't know? Richard Karn. He was the sidekick. Oh, he was the hairy guy.

Yeah, he was on Family Feud for a while. Yeah, was he? Yeah, he was hosted Family Feud for a while. And occasionally he would break out with, I don't think so, Tim. I want to host the Hipster Family Feud. He didn't host the Hipster Family Feud. Well, no, but if I was him but you don't have families that's true they have roommates i guess there is kind of like the the hipster couple that

start getting into like their mid-30s and i mean maybe you and your wife could qualify for she's not a hipster and i'm probably not a hipster but she's definitely not a hipster okay she's a working girl not like a prostitute like a real real girl. But you know, like the mid-30s. But the thing is, you just described her as a prostitute. But she's not a prostitute? No. And she's, yeah. Neither of us are in our mid-30s either.

Okay. I'm 40. Which is not in the mid-30s. Well, that doesn't mean you're not in your mid-30s. That's true. Like in my heart. My heart's, well, actually the way I've been treating my heart. You didn't get a heart until you were like seven, right?

That's right. Yeah. It way I've been treating my heart. You didn't get a heart until you were like seven, right? That's right, yeah. It was part of the satanic mass. I was just a clockwork waif in the basement. Of Liberia. Of Liberia, yeah. And, you know, you know how it goes. I do. Callbacks are tough on the heart.

It's a lot of effort. A lot of effort. Takes a lot of heart to do a callback. I don't think so, Mike. You need a heart. I like that's the way you describe Al Portland. Just so plain, like, I don't think so, Tim. Do you know what I'm talking about?

It's just so monotone. I don't think so, Tim. Yeah, but yeah, thank you for joining us on the show. You're having a good time. I'm having a great time. As I can tell. Was that sarcastic good time. I'm having a great time. As I can tell. Was that sarcastic? No, I'm having a great time.

Wow. Sorry. I feel like suddenly I might not be able to handle the truth. That's what I feel like. Yeah. We're actually going to be calling this podcast, You Can't Handle the Truth. Jim Meyer. This is where we face your darkest and deepest secrets do you want

to know a secret when is this going to air or not air but internet um this will internet next week oh might be too late for the bomb i'm about to drop what are you going to say but uh you know it turns out um tom brady isn't real he was created by giselle bunchen, and his Twitter account is a fake thing run by Bill Bilicek. And all the pictures are just from a JCPenney's catalog in 1974. What about when he plays in games? Yeah, it's all fake. It's all CGI? For, like, fame and shit.

Just to help her Heisman chances. What about all the other players on the field? Yeah. Fake, too? Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. We talking holographic? We talking post-production CGI? Holographic. It's a technology developed by Holly Berry.

It's, you know, basically she sketches it out with an etch-a-sketch and then shimmies her tits and you don't notice it's fake. Didn't know she did that too. Always weird when a famous celebrity turns out to have, like, another secret talent, you know? Like, I can't think of any. Like, Ernest Borgnine.

Like, famous cat juggler. Yeah. Right. Yep. Right. RG3. Mm-hmm. Really, really good mime, you guys.

Did you guys know that, in all reality, Flavor Flav is a musical genius? Yeah. In all reality? In all. In every possible dimension. Like, yeah, I mean. You believe in the multiverse theory? Yeah.

You know, this is a string theory house. I appreciate if you respect the rules. In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics. It's come to this. That was the name of the first Simpsons clip show, by the way. It's come to this, the Simpsons clip show.

Who knows what adventures we'll have from now until the show becomes unprofitable. Is this show profitable? Do you guys make coin on this? Yeah, we make... We don't want to talk about it, but yeah, we're doing pretty good. We have our own bombshell to drop, too. There's a lot of talk in the news, speaking of topical events. I don't know if you've been hearing about this trillion dollar coin they want to make.

It's actually for us. Really? Yeah. So when you say, do we make good coin? I think so. A trillion of them. What's going to be on it? I think so. A trillion of them. What's going to be on it?

It's going to be Mike's balls. Wow. It's going to be a huge coin. It's a trillion dollar coin. With a lot of negative space. The left side will probably be bigger than the right. Yeah. And then I think we're going to have an eagle riding like a, I don't know, dirt bike or something.

Probably jumping your balls. Yeah. With fireworks. It's going to be. Jared from Subway is going to be on the back. Just like a portrait of him. Yeah, we're sponsored by Subway. So that kind of gets part of it.

A little bit of controversy. We don't know if we're going to go in God we trust or not. What do you think, Jim? I think you should go in Scrod we trust. Who? Scrod. Fried cod. Fried cod?

Or salted cod. Fried or salted cod. What about in God? Scrod. Fried cod. Fried cod? Or salted cod. Hmm. Fried or salted cod. What about in God? Scrod. What about in New Testament God we would trust if he proved his existence to us? Not the bitter guy. I'm not going with Yahweh. From the first book.

No. And God will trust to a point. Right. Like, I would trust him to watch my dog for the weekend. Uh-huh. But I'm not going to, like But I'm not going to lend him money Yeah Yeah

I don't think he would blatantly try to do anything He's not going to kill your dog And if he does he'll bring it back I don't think he'll kill it intentionally But it's certainly Maybe it's going to be outside a little longer than it should Yeah he's not the most responsible guy No

Have you seen Darfur? Where was he on that one? It's going to be outside a little longer than it should. Yeah. He's not the most responsible guy. No. I mean. Have you seen Dar 4? Where was he on that one? Yeah. It's worse than the first three Dars. Dar 2 was pretty good. You thought so? Dar 2 was solid.

I thought it started out with a decent premise, but the time travel. Come on. I hear Dar 5 is going to be a musical. Yeah. They're actually leaving the 5 out of it. It is going to be a musical yeah they're actually leaving the 5 out of it it's going to be Dar the Return

yeah but Dar 3D was I think that's where they kind of jumped the shark a little bit literally that was really weird

the entire nation jumped the shark when are we going to get oh there was a 3D shark movie wasn't there Shark Night 3D yeah that answers that

it's been done alright moving on to the next topic woo Jim Meyer yes you me are am a yes comedian sort of and uh-huh a am i supposed are you racist we'll take that laughter as a yes we'll be right back on the digression session. So let's take a quick break. Next question Josh and I are going to ask word by word. Yep.

Okay. You start it off, Josh. It's like being interrogated by a human computer with some false ideas. You're not a very polite individual. However, when you come on my show, I expect you to suck my life from my big, hairy, meaty brain. Huh. In closing. That's an interesting question.

Right? We would appreciate it. Comma right question mark. Yeah. And will you answer that honestly? Uh, you know, I feel like

maybe you guys called the wrong guy. Maybe you texted the wrong person to ask it. Like, this guy's gonna suck the life out of my head.

Wrong head, too. Oh, boy. You should have 50-50. That was the wrong person to ask it. Like, this guy's going to suck the life out of my head. Wrong head, too. Oh, boy. You should have 50-50. That was the wrong answer, pal. Oh, yes. Yes. Is that your final? What?

I guess. You are not the father. Hey-o. Jim, have you ever been on Jerry Springer? Not that I know of. Would you go on Jerry Springer? Is it still on? What about his show?

Would I need a time machine? Go back to the 1990s or something? I think Steve Wilkos has a show. Would you go on Steve Wilkos' show? Is that the cop?

No. Yeah. He was the cop. He was a cop? I think so. He was a former cop. Yeah, he was like a cop who became security.

Okay. I think he's Cal Ripken's son. You know, T-Rad was on Jerry Springer. Really? No joke. What else hasn't he done? I don't know.

Do you know what he was on there for? He was just... I mean, a lot of it's fake. Yeah, I know. So he was like filling in. He had sex for a cheeseburger. I think there's something weird where they'll have, like, actors standing by for, like, family members that don't show up or something like that. He explained it to me once.

So I think he, like, filled the role of some family member. Yeah, well, apparently the way the show works, or a lot of those shows work, is they're casting calls, basically. But they don't say that up front so they would call you and say we're looking for somebody that had sex with their stepmom's best friend and gave them herpes would you know anyone like that like that's so weird because i just had sex with my best friend's moms gave her i don't think it's completely fake though i think it's like a weird blend of like people that are in on the joke and people who are not. Are you one of these Jerry Springer truthers? Apologists. Is that what you are?

I just think that for a show to go down like that, it looked like a controlled demolition to me, is all I'm saying. I've seen scripted shows before, and that looked like a scripted show. Some of the leading script writers in America have said that

they thought it was a scripted show. Right. You know what I mean? Why did they know to go to commercial breaks? Huh? What was that? How come Jenny Jones didn't go down with him? Why would Jenny Jones get canceled?

There was barely any damage done. Why were there no Jews on Jerry Springer ever? Huh? You ever think about that? You guys ever hear that? That's one of the conspiracies that no Jews died on 9-11. It's retarded. Because of Jerry Springer? Yeah.

Because they were all on the show that day. I have a friend. I was about to say some friends, and then I remembered that the second guy was a total asshole to me in high school, and I've never seen him since. But they went on Jenny Jones with a concocted story. What was Jenny Jones again? She was in Chicago,

right? I think so. Was she blonde? Yes. Did she have the red glasses? That's Sally Jessie Raphael. When you get a third name, man, you're going places. Yeah, you're definitely going to become an assassin. Yeah.

Sarah Jessica Partler. Partler. Yeah. You know they're making a prequel to Sex and the City? Do you guys think we should podcast in the Sarah Jessica Parler? I think we should. That the Sarah Jessica parlor? That's my favorite ice creamery. Did you park in the Sarah Jessica parking lot?

I did. Parking garage? I did. Right on her giant face. Sarah Jessica Parker can't lose. She gets that a lot. People are like, she's ugly. Horse face. I'd bang her.

If anybody in Hollywood isn't completely perfect, we deem them as ugly. I bet Josh, as beautiful as he is, people would be like, he's kind of weird looking. You could be on TV. Oh, thanks, buddy. But in real life, you're really good looking. But on TV, I bet they'd be like, oh, it's nice that they have an average looking guy on there. Yeah, good looking enough to play TV ugly. Right. Yeah. Have you ever seen to play TV Ugly. Right, yeah.

Have you ever seen the James Bond movie Moonraker? Is that the one where they went to the moon? They went to a space station. We're gonna race the moon. Isn't that like the most ridiculous one ever? They're in space. That was the first one I saw as a lad, so I will always be dear to it.

How many did you see when you were... Damn it. Anyway, what were we talking about? TV Ugly. TV Ugly. We don't have to stay about that. We could go anywhere now. Yeah, let's go anywhere.

Let's start the podcast. You guys want to start? I really think now would be a good time to start. Are we recording yet? Because really nothing so far has happened that people would want to hear, I think. No. My first jam. first ever on our podcast why start now it shows usually great but you know i think that usually you get start about now

all right here we go now would be where you start let's get it going let's get warmed up everybody dig session three go dig sash okay you didn't say three. And I also didn't specify that go was going to be prefixed. Nah, nah. Yeah, you really dropped the ball on that. I'm glad you found podcasting because you're terrible at cheerleading. Hey, Jim, we talked about this. It's podcasting. Podcasting.

Hey, let's make a podcast! Could I just say things without the Ps and we'll put them back in in post? Sure. In O's? Perfect. And O's to mean? Perfect. Thank you, Jim. Thank you. Hey, what's your favorite body part on a woman? What is enominal?

My dick? Silent P? Yeah, like if it's or like PH. Is that okay? This show has been enominal. Or pneumonia. It just pops. Who the fuck decided to put a P on pneumonia? Some jerk.

Play some P on. Some jerk. All right. Well, Jim. I may just be a P on, but I'm going to make my mark on pneumonia. They put a P on pneumonia. In pneumonia. Six in pneumonia. It a P on pneumonia. In pneumonia. Six in pneumonia.

It's six in pneumonia. I went to the Creation Museum over the holidays. Oh, really? Awesome. Hey, Jim, I heard over the holidays you went to the Creationist Museum. The Creation Museum. It's not the Creationist Museum. It's not like a museum full of creationists. I mean, it is, but that's not what's on display.

Let's try it again. Take it from the top. Jim, I heard you Christmas. Christmas. Two days after. Uh-huh. Right. I made a journey, a voyage.

To see baby Jesus? Hyundai. In your what? Hyundai. Sorry. You keep saying Hyundai weird. Yeah. There's a proper pronunciation.

One more time? If you're in Korea, Hyundai. Okay. Every day is Hyundai for me. My I don't have to run day. Because the car doesn't start. No, it's never. It doesn't run.

Yeah, but. It makes the joke better. Yes, it does. Are Hyundais known for breaking down? I have no idea. No. I'd love to make fun of a car. Yeah. Yeah, I think. Ford. No. I'd love to make fun of a car. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they're good. Ford. You know what that stands for? Found off-road dead. Oh! Need to get a Chevy. Yeah, that's why I got Calvin pissing on the cowboy symbol and the goddamn Ford symbol. And I have the one where he's praying just because I'm a Christian.

You guys ever see that? They'll have the Calvin pissing on stuff and then they'll have the one of him praying. Yeah, have you ever seen those? Oh, my God, yeah. Probably praying for forgiveness for all the people he peed on. It's not like Calvin is like a... Lord, I've peed on a lot of things. I've peed on ideas, people, football teams.

It's not like Calvin is like a southern evangelical symbol, is he? I don't know. There's definitely decals of him. It's like he crossed over just through decals. Because decals are popular among rednecks. So he just started with just being...

That's the weirdest stereotype I've ever heard. You know those rednecks love decals. They do. They put them on everything. It's a decal culture. It goes all the way back to the roots back in the slave days Where they had decals on their horses

Yeah When they were brought over here From the next lobby No, they used to dress up their horses like ghosts When they would go out KKKing That's where it started Have you seen those pictures? Yeah, I love

They usually put like a decal of a dragon Yeah That's so weird how they use Dungeons & Dragons mythology and symbolism for the KKK. Like the Grand Wizard. I really like the floor mats they had or the foot mats. Fuck, what are they called? Now this ruins the joke. But you know the ones that say Gone Fishing?

They would say Gone KKK-ing. I'd rather be KKK-ing. I'd rather be lynching. Can't imagine wearing that shit after Labor Day. It's just tacky. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. Your beliefs are offensive, but not as offensive as that fashion statement.

It's a good thing you said that in the Sarah Jessica parlor. Sex in the city. Callbacks. So tell me about this museum of creation. It's a magical place. I unlearned so much. It's like dinosaurs and stone men, cavemen, right? There's Adam and Eve with a velociraptor.

Can we clear something? It wasn't Adam and Steve. No, it's Adam and Eve. That's what I was confused about. Yeah, no. You know what color Adam and Eve were? Middle brown. Well, that's good.

There's a whole panel on how the first people on Earth would have been middle brown in color. Is this a Lord of the Rings tie-in? I don't know. I don't think so. How do they account for the different races starting within? Because they're saying the Earth is only like 6,000 years old. 6,000 years old. And the flood happened 4,350 years old. 6,000 years old, and the flood happened

4,350 years ago. 4,300... Like King Tut was swimming. Okay. It's my favorite corn record, by the way. What? I don't know.

Was that pre-Greco society? Yeah, it was like Middle Kingdom Egyptian. Right? Yeah. Why is everything in the middle with these people? That is kind of interesting how they seem to think society started or civilization started like right as the Egyptian empire took off, right? And that was like kind of the first evolution of what has become our society today, correct?

What are you talking about? What are you, the curator of the goddamn museum? Jim was there. The creationists think that civilization, or everything started like 6,000 years ago, like you said. Yeah, God created the heaven, the earth 6,000 years ago, the garden. But in reality, that's about when the Egyptian empire sprung into what we remember it as, right? Well, I think they would say that it probably didn't happen until after 4,350 years ago.

Right. But it is kind of a weird coincidence that they claim that everything started, like, right when Egypt became... It's a fascinating coincidence. Well, I think they have to do that, right? Because all the stories about Moses and, you know, from the Bible. But do you think that's intentional? Yeah, because I think they're trying to go back and be like, oh, no, it had

to start here because this story, yeah, because they have the biblical stories about Moses and, you know, those types of things. Apparently historically that never happened, by the way. There's never a big slave population of Jews. I'm going to flip the fuck out. Something in the Bible wasn't historically accurate. Well, that's one that you would think would have to be based in some factual thing.

Not the complete flooding of the earth? No, that's just like a fable. But the idea that there was all these Jews in Egypt for centuries that were enslaved, you'd think that would be based on some sort of. As you know, it wasn't the Jews tend to exaggerate. And so what really happened is they got shitty service in an Egyptian deli. Right. And then this whole 3000 years of slavery story just sort of developed from that.

Really? What am I, a slave? Yeah. Right. Yeah. It was probably like000 minutes of an unhappy tummy. Not even 3,000. That's a long time in a deli. Oh, yeah, you're right.

In deli hours, that's like a lifetime. Right. Yeah, I forgot they go on hammer time at deli hours. Eastern standard hammer time. I'm sorry for interrupting you. Please continue about the Creationist Museum. Oh, it's fascinating. It's a beautiful place.

I feel like you've been trained to say that. i had a good time at the creation museum you have to pretend like you weren't there ironically i did why don't i mean there's a sign when you go in the first of all the place is about it's not huge i mean it's a big it's big inside but it's not a lot of ground to cover where is it it's in kentucky but it's on the ohio border it's like 15 minutes from cincinnati okay now is this the premier um creation museum absolutely and they're actually they just got a full irreligiosophy wasn't it no no religious religious that was the place in orlando okay um yeah that was like a theme park orlando calrissian they're building a creation-based theme park which they've got a $40 million tax credit from the state of Kentucky to build. Why the fuck do churches get tax credits?

It's bullshit. Well, it's an amusement park, and it's a moneymaker for the state is what they're saying. It'll bring tourist dollars to see their life-sized ark they're building. My dad was in Heaven Almighty. What if the ark was a really cool ride, though? Even as an atheist. What if the Ark was a really cool ride, though? You know? Like, even as an atheist. Yeah, well, they might do it. What if they built, like, a really cool theme park?

I'm perfectly fine with supporting the positive aspects that religious people have to offer. I like some of it, but... I support Save the Children. That's a Christian organization. Sure. There's definitely some good stuff, but I think throughout our 6,000 years as a race, as a universe, people

believing in God hasn't really, if you look at the pros and cons and people thinking there's a man upstairs, it doesn't really outweigh the good. If you think about it, pros and cons tend to be, like if you go to the NFL, all the pros are always thanking God. Any prison, I found Jesus, can I get out early? The pros and cons tend to be. Like, if you go to the NFL, all the pros are always thanking God. Any prison.

I found Jesus. Can I get out early? So the pros and cons is really where Christ is at. That's true, yeah. Sorry, my bad. How do they account for all the races existing if we've only been here for 6,000 years? And Native Americans. Go.

And dinosaur bones. Well, they believe that dinosaurs existed. They think that every species existed within the last 6,000 years that you can find. Oh, yeah, that we roamed with dinosaurs as well, right? Evident by dragon myths existing in different societies is a popular... Not carbon dating and fossil records? I think Kirk Cameron knows a little bit more about paleontologists when it comes to this stuff, Josh. Have you ever heard Kirk Cameron's defense that

God exists because a banana fits in your hand so perfectly? No. I'll have to find... I'll put it in this podcast, but he's like... What? Like brass knuckles. They slide right on. Right, right. There's an intelligent designer behind the brass knuckle.

Yeah, intelligent designer. Ted. knuckle. Intelligent designer. He works for really cheap. He's a smart guy, though. He'll hook you up with a deal. Brass anything. He'll make you knuckles, knees, elephants. Answer Mike's question.

Now. I was trying a moment ago. Anyway. Another weird thing about Kirk Cameron. Sorry. I don't a moment ago. Anyway. Another weird thing about Kirk Cameron. Sorry. He's gone. Yeah, I don't remember the question now. How do they account for all the different races?

Say what you will, but Avatar is a good movie. It was a really solid film. Good for him. The blue people aren't in the Creation Museum, though. Or I should say blue people. Blue people. I didn't really catch how they said that that happens

but they believe in according to the museum that mutation and natural selection happen but nothing new can arise so like you can go from a fish with eyes to a blind cave fish because God created the fish with eyes and you can lose information from that.

But if God created eyeless fish, you would never have developed an eyed fish. What? Basically that evolution can't happen. Everything that's here started in the state that it's in now. No, they believe in natural selection. But they believe it can only be through loss of information. Oh, so they're saying that there used to be a whole bunch of species and a bunch of them have died out? That they would believe.

And species is a term they don't really use around it. It's a kind. But how they explain shit fitting on the Ark is that Noah had to take two animals of every kind. So he didn't have to take Indian elephants, African elephants, mastodons, mammoths. Right. All he had to take was two of any of those. And he chose Indian and African. No, because they were all here afterwards, too.

The mammoths were? Apparently, yeah. Why not just say that they died in the flood? Yeah, why not just say that? The flood shit is crazy. I just thought the flood was a rain. Can they explain that a boat that big could never sail if it was made out of wood? No.

Okay, sorry. Continue. This is fascinating for me. Yeah, I find this interesting. that a boat that big could never sail if it was made out of wood i'd know okay sorry continue this is fascinating for me yeah i find this and tell us about the flood oh well it wasn't rain it didn't just rain like the earth floor the sea floor cracked open and uh the magma hit the ocean and it caused giant geysers that shot into the sky all the way up into this like the top of the sky and those rapidly swept around the entire planet. What's the point of that? That's how everything flooded in a day. I'm really glad.

You didn't want to buy a sound effects machine. Look how good they sound. Wouldn't it still even out, though? Well, everything flooded, and then the floating continent was completely destroyed. There was a floating continent? It was completely destroyed. There was a floating continent? It was completely destroyed. Don't even bother. Australia?

Yes. And then Floatislavia, I think it was called. Gotcha. The Floatians were destroyed. The Floatians were destroyed, along with their non-Floaty adversaries who were really fucked. That's how you think they would float. But we're Floatians. Not today, you ain't.

You're drownians. And the continents which are now underwater were in a shape that they aren't today. But during the course of the 40-day flood, the continents shifted, formed Pangea, like the big one supercontinent.

So Dimebag Darrell was part of that? Broke up and formed the Modern Continents all in 40 days. No, they formed Damage Plan. I'm not sure if the Modern Continents was like a side project or something. That's a good name for a band, by the way. What? The Modern Continents. That's a good name.

There's a band called Breaking Pangea. Really? Yeah, they broke up, though. Well, I guess the name was Prothetic then. That's all the time we have. Thanks for listening, everybody. Yeah, and there's a robot, Noah, and he told me all kinds of cool stuff. So they say robots existed on Earth, too?

Well, I think you're supposed to think he's Noah. He's like an audio-animatronic Noah. And you can ask him questions like, you know, there's a touch screen. You can ask him questions. He's like an audio animatronic Noah. And you can ask him questions like, there's a touch screen, you can ask him questions. He's like an eight ball? You can ask him like, what is their, was their dragon, were there dinosaurs on the Ark?

And he's like, dinosaurs? Dinosaurs? Oh, you will be dragons. Never trust anything that has the word die in its first name. Yeah, and they were all on there. For sure. He sounds like a boardwalk fake gypsy thing that you go to. Like a fortune teller. He's like a really advanced version of that.

And you guys, I want America and Lichtenstein or whoever the fuck else you watch this thing to know how spot on that impersonation was. I've got a video. There's no video cameras here. People listen. Right, but I was doing the voice. I've got a video. There's no video cameras here. People listen. Right, but I was doing the voice. I wasn't doing the... Oh, okay, so that's why you said watch.

Well, watch is a figure of speech that means whatever I want it to mean at the moment. Here it is. When does he count? He told me to bring one or two of every kind of animal. When does he count? Two of every kind of animal. He told me to bring one, two of every kind of animal. It is so bizarre that he gives the count fangs. And then I... And then I reply that he murders people.

Muppets. Yeah, but that's the only... That's the only Sesame Street Muppet. No, there's regular people in Sesame Street Yeah but like dinosaurs Vampires feed off of people right So a Muppet vampire would have to feed off of Muppets Yeah like other

Has it ever made clear what the Muppets actually are on Sesame Street Are they a different race of people Can we say that they're Muppets though Isn't Muppet it's own species They're totally humanoid They have to be related to us in some way. Kermit the Frog has appeared on both. Really?

He used to be on Sesame Street. Okay. Yeah, a bunch of them have crossed over, I think. I think now Disney owns the Muppets, so maybe you can't call them Muppets now, but they used to be Muppets. Right. It's the M word. Right. Right.

That's my favorite Showtime show. Where Miss Piggy's a lesbian. Only there. Sure. Kermit has beard. Lady beard written all over. I don't know. What's a lady beard?

The name of my new dog. It should be a purse. A lady beard? Yeah, it should be called a purse. That's not bad. Lady beard was the femmiest pirate of all time. That's who that was. Let's get some treasure.

I still think that's femmier than what's his name in those pirate movies. Oh, that guy. In those movies. Yeah, the Pirates of the Caribbean. You mean Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, I've seen that. What's the guy's name? The main actor?

Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. So, Jim, who sent you to this beautiful museum of knowledge and tolerance? You got sent there? Well, I convinced somebody to let me go there and to pay me to do it. Really? Yeah. Grist is a magazine I write for.

Wow. Internet magazine. When will this article be coming out? As soon as I finish writing it, which is, I told my editor I'd have it on Monday, and I didn't have it on Monday, and we talked yesterday, so I'm hoping to get it to him next week. Was he all like, Meyer? He was understanding.

He was very understanding. And I turned in another one about tar sands today. Tar sands? Or two days ago. Tar sands? Tar sand. Tar sand. Tar sand? Tar sands.

What's tar sand? Wait a minute. Tar sand? Tar sands. Tar sand. Sorry, I just want that to be the next 40 minutes of the podcast. Tar sand. Tar sand with a T.

Tar. Tar sand. Tar sand with a T. Tar. Tar sand with a T. You might have heard it described as oil sand. Oil sand. I thought you said tar sand. I did say tar sand. Oil sand. The oil industry calls them oil sands.

The environmental industry calls them tar sands for the most part. Tar sands is probably more accurate because it's not oil. Okay. If you're ever lay with an article, just say it's God's plan. Yeah. You learned a few things there.

The good Lord told me not to write this. Was there a second where you thought, like, maybe, maybe this is true? Like, maybe I'm going to leave here and be converted. And that's what my article is going to be about. And I really think the museum might have backfired on occasion. Because they give, like, all the science-y stuff. And then like the next panel, they say, and this is what God says. But this shit about science on this side is really well written and makes a lot of sense.

And this other stuff is like, what do you mean? That's not what they said on book four. You know, like this is what you shouldn't believe. The Big Bang. Or do you mean like they just have some like science that they shoehorn into Christianity? No, no, no. This is what you shouldn't believe. The Big Bang. Or do you mean, like, they just have some, like, science that they shoehorn into Christianity? No, no, no. This is what, like, science says. The Earth is 7 billion years old.

It was formed in blah, blah, blah. Life, blah, blah, blah. And then the next time it's like, God created the Earth in 7 days. I hope they really do it that way, too. Like, science is all like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 7 billion years. But then the Lord said unto me. And then the Lord said.

It has some really ugly picture of Stephen Hawking or something all slumped over. Do you believe a gimp? Look at this guy. Who are you going to believe? And then it'll be Kirk Cameron who's in good shape. And he's just holding tons of bananas. Like, you guys, come on. Here's the proof.

They have a planetarium. Planetarium. Planetarium. One of the weirdest things, they have a special effects theater, right? Like, Disney style, right? So you go in, and it's like a theater seating, you know, sloped.

And again, not racist. And there's three screens up front. Okay. You're not racist then. Good. You passed the test. I was just trying to find out. Storm out here indignantly.

Or you've never seen the movie Gran Torino. Yeah, I've seen it. Okay. Once. Okay. In the theater. There's just a million racial epithets towards Asian people. All people slopes?

Yeah. What the fuck does that mean? I don't know. What on Asian people is sloped? That's not supposed to be sloped in normal people. That's called slant, Jim. Not slope. Anyway.

This is the most racist podcast I've ever been a part of They ski a lot in Asia Maybe it's named after Mongolia Or Nepal where there's all those hills Don't worry We don't have a big Slope audience I certainly Slope audience. Go ahead.

I certainly Slope, Matt. Slope we don't. John Paul Slope the 13th. Saying words that sound like other words. That's what we've come to. Who's the character on Parks and Recreation? Leslie Slope? Is that who it is?

I don't know. No, you guys don't watch that? Okay. Well, I've got to cut all that stuff out anyway. Anyway. Really? All that's going to go? Maybe.

No. It's pretty funny. Yeah. All right. I'll leave it. It's pretty funny for us here right now. Yeah. And probably never to anyone outside of this room. I think we've got group thing going pretty thick right now.

Yeah. Soon we'll be conspiring against the rest of the world and trying to change things with Jesus. Well, for one, we need to fucking get rid of all these slopes that are trying to take over our country, right? Jim? Golf will just move to New York. Jim, I see you shaking your head emphatically. Yes. We're all brothers and sisters under the Lord, and I welcome everyone.

Now say it is Noah. Into my pants. Why does Noah speak like he's from Eastern Europe? Because I don't think they wanted to do a completely Jew-y accent. I think that's part of it. He clearly was Jewish. Two zebras, two mammoths. The tigers and the lions are fighting

I don't know That's the best I could come up with I told that son of a bitch Now he's a mob boss I had him by the balls, I did He's had two of every kind Breaking my freaking balls,, the Lord is. Why am I the guy with the boat?

We can't have several boats. One boat. One boat for the whole world. That's a good idea. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. This podcast is off the rails. Let's start.

Let's start the podcast. I'm ready to get going. I'm ready. I think I'm ready. I'm ready like Tevin Campbell. So I'm at the Creation Museum, right? Right. And I go to the Special Effects Theater.

Yeah. And the show in the Special Effects Theater, if you go there these days, is called Men in White, right? And you go in and it's like a theater. It's not just called White Men? No. No. It's called Men in White. It's not in White Men? No, it's called Men in White.

It's not In White Men? In the White Men? This is your spot. White Men in White. Men in White can't jump. They are White Men in White. Well, these White Men don't need to jump because they have wings. Okay, they should call it that then.

That'd be hilarious. Men in White can't jump because they have wings. Parenthesized. A Steven Spielberg film.berg Well they don't jump Anyway Jim we're just Interrupting you so much I'm sorry Oh no it's okay it's a podcast It's a podcast

It's all about interruptions I know you kids love your interruptions So there I was. Surrounded by slopes. I'm in the thick of it. Last time I saw so many slopes, I was at the ski resort. Hey! The seating bowl was sloped.

It was stadium seating. Okay. And they don't let Asians in there. Anyway. It's three screens up there right And in front of the screens Is a badly designed hippie robot chick A badly designed one

A hippie robot chick is annoying enough Yeah and she's sitting by a fake fire Looking at a fake desert But if you get one of those generic ones If you get one of those government ones, never as good quality. Yeah, they can't make shit. The government's good for nothing. Josh will tell you.

Yeah, look at me. I don't want to. So it's like a special effects theater. So the seats vibrate and there's strobe lights and shit. Okay. And there's a robot on stage and there's three screens. Skrillex is there. Skrillex, yes.

What does she do? Does she rise and play the guitar? She has a conversation with herself. She's sitting by a fire and she has a conversation with herself about evolution. And she's like, I don't want people to think I'm stupid. Maybe I should believe in evolution. Stuff like that. And then the screens

turn and you see these two angels, well, these men in white, who are these two 20-something guys who look really about 35 and they're like cool in a bill and ted's excellent adventure kind of way because i really touch with the kids these days yeah are these real people they're on the screen they're video okay got you got they've got like these fake wings projected by them but they're dressed like super mario and and luigi except for all white they're wearing exactly the same outfit as Mario the Brothers, but all white and

with wings. And they're flitting about, trying to convince her. And their names are Mario and Luigi. The Archangels. Michael. Who's the other one? Josh. No, I don't know who the other one is. I thought it was just one.

Well, Mike was one of them, and the other one was the other big angel. I can't think of his name right now. Donatello. Yes. Oh, I'm thinking of the turtles. Sorry. I do that a lot. Garth, I think, was the second one.

This story's already gone on way too long, but the one part I want to get to is, like, so, like, they show the fall of man, you know, in the garden. And they don't make, there's, like, you know, modern museums try to say. Do we see nudity? No. Damn it. Penetration? Which is hilarious, because they show the Garden of Eden not in this theater but in the audio animatronics.

And the Bible says Adam and Eve are naked so they got to make them naked. But the Bible doesn't say they weren't constantly squatting waist deep in foliage. Sure. All the time. There's one scene where they're in a pool. This is where the serpent is toying with them. But they find the only part of the pool that is completely covered in lily pads.

So they're like, because you know how when you go swimming, you like to get in the thick of the nasty, slimy vegetation. That's the best place to clean off. Well, I guess if no disease or anything exists, then fuck it. So there's the garden, right? And then there's the fall of man. And so they have the fall of man.

And there's the three screens, right? And the first screen shows a black kid covered in boils because that happened's the fall of man. And so they have the fall of man. And there's the three screens. And the first screen shows a black kid covered in boils. Because that happened after the fall. Because there was no sickness before. So are they trying to say that that was Cain? The black kid? No. They're just saying what happened after the fall.

Oh, I see. So all this bad shit happens. So there's a black kid covered in boils. There's a woman experiencing the pain of childbirth. Which, you know, that's a curse on Eve. Childbirth wouldn't have hurt if she didn't fuck up. Yeah, I mean, they ate the freaking apple. And then there's like Nazi tanks rolling across Germany. And then I got squirted in the face.

Like by a squirt gun. Like there's a squirt gun built into the seat in front of you. So it's like black kid covered in boils, woman giving birth, Nazis, squirt gun to the face for some reason was it the black kid it might have been the black they always cause trouble in theaters sorry anyway it was the weird what was the squirt gun what was the significance just to shock the shit out of you and it worked because i was actually thinking this is fucking weird and i started to really think about what i was seeing and i got squirted in the face and i jumped out of my skin and stopped thinking about anything for about seven minutes.

So you were being converted until you got... No, no, no. I was like, this is fucking ridiculous. Okay, so man falls, then what? Then the digression sessions podcast happened and now he's here. What about Cain and Abel? They didn't really get into him. We don't get to

see them? Not that I didn't see them. I'm a big Cain and Abel fan. Well, apparently you Cain and Abel. Have you heard their podcast? It's really good. Those guys are good. Very funny. Yeah.

Brotherskeeper.com. I really hate Asians, though. It's kind of awkward. Well, what do you expect? But what else happened there? Oh, so many things. Yeah? Yeah.

I mean, I could go on for hours about the things that happened. Well, you're going to. You keep talking, Josh and I are going to go smoke a spliff. Yeah, there's like a warning when you get in there. This is a Christian, there's signs on every door. Like, this is a Christian environment. Put those boobs away, ma'am. Yes, that's exactly what it said.

Like, you write signs for the fucking creationists, don't you? Don't you? We're not here to discuss what I do Admit it Let's talk some more about this museum Hey you put those boobs away The only thing I thought was Quit sitting Put those boobs away I see you

Is that shellfish You're eating shellfish Tie your shoes. Do they have a food court? They had two separate places to get food. Were they biblical? What were they like? Well, the pizza place was closed.

And the pizza place had a Christian name, but I don't remember what it was. Was it just a guy looking like Jesus serving bread? Yes. St. Michael's? I don't remember. I don't know why I suggested that. For some reason in my head, I was thinking that sounded Italian.

They had a coffee shop with surprisingly good coffee. Really? Yeah, I was really surprised. I actually went and asked them what beans they were using because I was surprised. I just assumed it would be shitty coffee.

Right. It was pretty solid. Well, usually any product, as Umar Khan has pointed out, with the word Christian in it, is the crappier version of that product christian rock that type of thing so when you got the christian bible sucks compared to the jeep owners bible jeep owners that's a joke i did nine years ago i think it's a jeep owners not not jeep owners i thought maybe you were calling

you got to stop looking for the word boner and everything mike you got to give it up buddy Not G-boners. I thought maybe you were calling you used people G-boners. You got to stop looking for the word boner and everything, Mike. You got to give it up, buddy. So when you showed up, were you nervous? Yeah, I felt really slimy. Do they know I'm going to make fun of them? Yeah, I felt really slimy. Did anybody wink at you like, I know, I don't believe this either?

Some woman shows you her boobs. I'm sitting too. Everybody's wearing two different types of cloth on their body. There was like a large group of people, like the kids, the male kids. The boys and men were dressed normally, but all the chicks were like plain dresses and head scarves. Looked like Mennonites kind of, but they weren't.

I think, I thought that's what they were going for with the men in white thing. Mennonite. Mennonites meet men in white. Did you in white. Men in white. Men in white. Did you hear about the Amish prostitute? 14 men in white. Amish jokes. You know they're not listening. Hey, no.

They are. I miss you. Remember that song by Incubus, I miss you? Oh, boy. That was Hoobastank, by the way. Was it really? Yeah. No, it was not.

Yes, it was. No, it wasn't. It was Incubus. No, it wasn't. I never listened to Hoobastank in my life. Sing it again. I miss you. Oh, okay.

There's a Hoobastank song that sounds like that Incubus song. You're telling me there's a Hoobastank song that sounds like that Incubus song. You're telling me there's a Hoobastank song that sounds like an Incubus song. I know. I know. It's tough to believe. Are you going to tell me that either of them has a song that sounds like a Faith No More song? What? Incubus didn't rip off Faith No More.

Maybe their earlier stuff, but after Make Yourself, no way. I would say so. Even that. I would say no. Not that I've heard anything after Make Yourself. Maybe not. I would say so, even that. I would say no. Not that I've heard anything after Make Yourself. Maybe not. I liked, what was the one after that? It was Ocean View?

Morning View? No, I did Morning View. Yeah, that has some good songs. Jim, how do you feel about Incubus? I don't know anything about them. Okay, good. Good. You might say they suck-ubus then, right?

That was actually a good D&D callback earlier. That's what I was completely intending for. Do you play D&D, Jim? I do. With some of the people on your wall, in fact. Oh. My grandma, Brian Dunning. Brian, Dorian, and occasionally Tommy.

Brian plays D&D? Dorks. We actually play Pathfinder. What's Pathfinder? It's like D&D? Dorks. We actually play Pathfinder. What's Pathfinder? It's like D&D. But you guys get in a Nissan Pathfinder? Yeah, exactly. We play it in a pickup truck. No, it's just a different

version. If you must know, which I'm sure you mustn't, Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 was going to be ended and they started 4.0 and so these people created Pathfinder which was like and Dragons 3.5 was going to be ended, and they started 4.0. And so these people created Pathfinder, which was like as if 3.5 had continued as opposed to 4.0, which is a complete rewrite and sucks. So we're trailing off into two continuities here. We've got a Halloween series going right now.

Exactly. Okay. So is Jamie Lee Curtis returning for Pathfinder? I think so. And she's going to rub her boobies on my face. But not her current boobies. Her boobies from 1982. Right.

Well, what else are you up to, Jim? Besides... I write my sports column for the City Paper. Uh-huh. How's that going? I've got my podcast, Jim and Joe's Top Rated Podcast. Oh, yeah? I heard about that from the Podcasters association of america you guys

are doing really well yeah we're the jim and joe's top rated podcast good for you good for you find it on uh wherever podcasts are sold yeah just just look for uh jim's laptop better salons everywhere that's so condescending when on commercials they're like available at better stores everywhere that's where our podcast i'm not saying they're the best stores. I'm just saying the better ones. Yeah, you have to get on iTunes Platinum to find Jim's podcast. The ones where they don't let the slopes in. Oh, boy.

That's going to be edited out in post, right? Is there anything more you want to say? Are we ending here? No, I mean about slopes. Love skiing. Me too. No, I mean about slopes. Love skiing. Me too. I love slopes. Hate them in carpentry.

That's true. Hate them in foreheads. So you're a sports fan and a dork. How does that work out? I think they go kind of hand in hand. A lot of sports fans are kind of giant. Big sports fans are generally giant dorks. Really? Yeah. Like D generally giant dorks. Really?

Like D&D dorks? I'm about to get my black belt. That's exciting. Really? When are you going to get that? Why did you go to that? Just so you let me know that you can kick my ass? No. Yeah, that's what he's implying. Back off. Don't make me come over there and poke you with a stick. He will fucking

crane kick you into a hell you can't imagine, pal. So what belt are we at right now? Brown. That's kind of racist. It is kind of racist. But it goes better with my shoes. What do you have to do to get your black belt? Kill a man.

The most dangerous game. With kindness. You look great today. the most dangerous game with kindness you look great today hey and then you get a belt I don't know I probably have to do different stuff like what

I'll probably have to do the first six forms basic forms and I'll probably have to do the first six forms, basic forms. And I'll probably have to do some different techniques. You're going to have to spar with somebody? We don't really spar. So is there any real-world application to this? Could you beat Mike up?

I don't know. I'm pretty sure you could beat me up even if you didn't know karate. I did get, as you guys wanted to talk about before, I did get robbed the other day or attempted robbed. And my Hikido did pay off. Tim, I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about it either. But it worked. Did it?

You were like, if you leave me alone, I'll show you some cool techniques. I was like, you want my brown belt? I'll go inside and get it. You can just let me keep the rest of my shit. Hold on, sir. One second I've got a really cool karate outfit You didn't have to get it up

I was in there for 32 minutes Instead of calling the police It was magic muckering My wife just cleaned I don't know where she put my belt How many of you have seen the belt? I'm looking over here It's the perfect plan

Perfect plan. So, I forget what I was going to ask. Well, I want to talk. Can we talk about that? I got crazy news today, actually. About? About the situation. Because I got robbed.

Wait, wait. I thought Jersey Shore was canceled. It's true. Okay. What? The situation. Come on, guys. What a show. I mean, the's true. Okay. What? The situation. Come on, guys. What a show.

I'm in shock. The situation. What? Never mind. No, let's bring it back. Okay. This is probably the most incoherent podcast we've ever had, guys. I don't know.

I was on here once before. The yellow red fire truck would say so. The what fire truck? What fire truck? That should be the name of this podcast. What fire truck? What fire truck? What in the butt? of the podcast. What fire truck? What fire truck? What in the butt?

You guys heard that song? I have. What about Fried or Fertilized? Heard that one? Fight or Fertilized? No. How do you like your eggs? Fight or Fertilized?

Fried or Fertilized. I've heard it as Scrambled or Fertilized. No, there's a song called fried or fertilized Oh I thought you were talking about the The lame pickup line for ladies Well I think the song is shaped around that Oh Maybe scrambled just didn't get into the verse

Which came first the fertilized eggs joke Or the fertilized egg song That's a really really deep question I don't know Alright Jim You're shirt makes you look like a commando Thank you That's a really, really deep question. I don't know. I don't know. All right. Jim? Your shirt makes you look like a commando, Mike. Thank you. He's also going commando.

You make me look tougher than I actually am. He's not wearing any underwear either. No, he's a commando at the commando house for the briefing. What? Like, you know, the commando house where they give the briefings before the mission? The underwear? Yes. The commando house.

I like that they have a fort. All the commandos in the commando house, we have a mission. Let's get together. Make sure everybody's wearing the shirt. Which is me with a piece of paper and a marker. We're going to fight. Make sure you punch us a lot.

Your mom comes in with rice Krispy treats. Mom! Men only in the commando house. We're commandoing. God. But yeah, Jim, so you recently had to fight off a mugger. A villain. Yeah, a villain.

A brigand. Yes. Yeah. A villain, brigand, mugger. I don't like to throw around words that don't belong. Terrorist. Ooh. Maybe public enemy number one.

Like top 100, anyway. Okay. But yeah, we live in the same neighborhood. Terrorist. Maybe public enemy number. Top 100, anyway. Okay, but yeah, we live in the same neighborhood when I heard about this. And you live in the shitty part of it. Yeah, kind of. Bound by the train tracks. I had to fight off a hobo just to get onto your porch. Okay, that's my girlfriend.

Alright? Look, she's growing her hair out. She's lovely. She's not a porch. She may have put on a few. But she stinks of bathtub gin and pocket soup. That's her job. Bathtub gin. She stinks like bathtub gin.

Look, I don't know. Local hobo bathtub gin. I don't know where you get your gin from, but we get in the bathtub, all right? That's a good spot for it. Yeah. We get it from New Orleans, the bathtub. Bathtub capital of the world. No, let's get into this.

You said you had an interesting development. Well, let's give it some context. Okay. Right? You were accosted. You were walking home one night from a local pub. Yes. Or restaurant. A watering yes or a watering hole

a watering hole i was with another writer and we were reporter drunk like we went to frazier's right and frazier special that day it was five beers for 10 bucks so we split 10 beers yeah then started drinking so five beers then a pair of at least two frazier pours of whiskey and then we thought let's go to a bar. Now I'm picturing the fear and loathing scene where they're walking down the Vegas strip. Is this what's happening? The Avenue. You've never seen fear and loathing?

I'm picturing Tim and Al walking on the Tool Time set. I don't think so, Al. With someone stopping him from behind a fence. And then we went to Rocket to Venus and drank more and apparently got cut off. I don't think so. Exactly. With someone stopping him from behind a fence. And then we went to Rocket to Venus and drank more and apparently got cut off. I don't know. Wow. So I was wasted. Right.

Wasted. So were you blackout drunk? Blackout drunk. I don't remember. I just learned more today. I learned I had to stop on the way home that I didn't know about, which is where the news comes in. Okay. But anyway, I was going up the front steps to my house.

I've got about nine steps up to get to the front porch and I'm going up them. And, you know, I keep, I have a front pocket wallet and my phone and my keys and I keep them all in the same pocket. So to get in my house, I just reach my hand in my wallet, my pocket and grab all of it and figure out where the keys are. So I've got everything I've got in my hand. And this guy starts talking to me from behind me and I turn around and there's a dude on the stairs like a couple steps behind me. So you just saw him out of nowhere? He hadn't been stalking you?

I assume he'd been following me. Well, yeah, he may have been. But you're just coming to in the situation. Yeah, this is the first thing I really remember is this guy saying something to me and being like, what the fuck? Right. And then he shows me again

and says, open the door to my home where your wife and child are yeah asleep yeah holy shit so uh and like if he just said give me your wallet i probably would have given him my wallet right yeah yeah but he said open the door and it's crazy like this is where the hop keto helped i think because i was too drunk to really like i think if i've been sober well if i'm sober he wouldn't have picked me but if i've been sober i think i could have probably hurt him real bad yeah because you're also a large man how tall are you six two yeah you're you're a big fella yeah uh and uh so anyway at bonnie rate um let's give him something to talk about. At Bonnie rate.

So I remember looking at him and thinking, okay, he wants to get in the house, dealing with a gun. There's probably a good chance I'll get shot. I'd rather get shot here on the front porch than in the house. Right. If they're dealing with a gun, the thing you have to do is control the gun. So that was my priority. And luckily for me, I think he just thought I'd see a gun and

be like, ooh, my panties are all in a bunch. Here's whatever you want. You say that a lot, to be fair. You showed them your panties to prove to them that they were not in need. I was wearing nothing but panties. I was wearing actually a three-piece suit quilted from panties. Right. So they were kind of already in a bunch. Like there was a bunch of panties. I was wearing actually a three-piece suit quilted from panties. Right. So they were kind of already in a bunch. Like there was a bunch of panties.

Yeah, but they weren't in a bunch. It's not like they were stuffed in a bunch of banana peels. If you're part of a bunch, you're in a bunch. Yeah. There was a bunch of panties. Individual panties were in that bunch. Perhaps I just don't know the meaning of the word bunch. Continue.

It's very Brady. Maybe that should be the next podcast Is teaching Mike Words Like bunch Why would you need To teach me how to drive Like the banana Which just goes back

To your deep Christian roots I hardly Would call G.I. Joe Christian Was there a G.I. Joe Character

In banana Is that what roots Means Banana Cobra's up to their old ways again. He's just a big banana with arms and legs. Your plan is appealing, banana. Yeah, when you were a poor kid like me,

you had to put whatever action figures you could get from the Goodwill together to play with each other. So it'd be like, they'd all be different sizes and stuff. You had to make up explanations. He-Man would have to let Midget G.I. Joe join the force. For some reason, the guy was just a giant. That was cool. Nobody made fun of him.

He was just part of the group. You'd have to say, Cobra's over on the floor. We'd better split. Lots of puns. I'm just picturing the banana guy. It's like a giant black guy, but in a banana mascot costume. His ripped arms poking out of the sides.

I may be a banana, but I'm not yellow. You can say things like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I think that,

that has to happen. But anyway, so like, what's the plantain guys? Go ahead. So yeah, the guy is there. Back to the comedy. Luckily for me, he didn't

point the gun at me. I think he thought I'd see the gun. He just showed it to you? He freaked out. That's what happened when I mugged you. Mike's story checks out so far. So I grab the gun You grab it

Now One second Is it just in his hand or is it in his pocket It's in his hand What kind of gun was it I was wasted It was a gun shaped gun Oh okay It was a semi auto It was a gun-shaped gun. Oh, okay.

It was a semi-auto. It was a double whammy. It was one of those gun guns. Did it have a pump on it? It was an air pump. It was a Daisy Crossman. 1.77 millimeter. CO2. It had a GPS.

Nice. Have any good apps on it? 1.77 millimeter. Okay. CO2. I have a GPS. A GPS. Uh-huh. Nice. So anyway, you're looking at this. Have any apps? Any good apps on it? A good app. The Kill Ya app. Right.

Yeah. Legitimate. How many minutes do you get on a deal like that? Free daytime? Absolutely. 40% off. Yeah. I like the legitimate purposes app.

That was pretty good for my NRA friends out there. I'm sure you have a lot of those. Yeah, I'm sure you know Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Mike Stork on your wall there. Do you and Mike shoot guns? We've gone shooting once, I think. Yeah, it's fun, right? Eh.

I don't do shooting. I've never been. Yeah, it's fun. I liked shooting a gun. But anyway, let's go back to the story. Okay. So you're on the porch. So I was shooting a gun. Sorry. Yeah. From what's go back to the story okay so you're on the porch this guy's shooting a gun sorry yeah i don't remember you're in a banana costume this guy

i grabbed the gun fall down the stairs holding onto the gun pressing it against him because he's got the gun in one hand i've got two hands on it two hands stronger than one so i'm just holding it against him so because it's hard to put like if somebody like if you were to take say you to put your hand on your chest right and then mike were to take both hands and hold it against him. So because it's hard to put, like if somebody, like if you were to take, say you had to put your hand on your chest, right? And then Mike were to take both hands and hold it against you, you wouldn't be able to move it. Like your hand,

your muscles don't work that way. Just by two hands always. Wait, why, why is that? Like if, if you're like, I mean,

I'm trying to do this on the right. Like if you put your hand on your, over your heart, right? Right. And then somebody else takes two hands and holds it against there. Just think how... Yeah, because you don't have the same...

You don't have the leverage. Right, right. Yeah, okay. So I'm holding the gun against him so he can't use it. But unfortunately, he's got a free hand to pound on my face. So there's lots of facial pounding. Right. Which is not nearly as sexy as it sounds.

I think it probably is for me. Unless you're the fat, beaten up guy porn. Your point being? The dog is. The dog's really into that. The dog thinks that shit is sexy. I love FBG. Hi, Amanda. My girlfriend just came home.

She didn't smell like a hobo. You guys are totally full of shit. She's cleaned up a bit. Anyway. So yeah, we fought. I was trying to break his fingers. He was trying to rip off my ring finger.

I'm not exactly sure what happened because I was blacked out drunk, right? So I think I got a couple shots on him because my knuckles were all effed up. I know I was trying to break his fingers. He got the gun back somehow but didn't shoot me.

I don't know. Did he run away? He ran away. I forgot to say, I had all my shit in my hand, so I threw it sort of at him but in the street. A, so he couldn't get my keys to get in the house. And B, so I could free my hands up. And C, just to get that shit out of the way. Yeah.

I don't know. It was crazy. Sounds horrifying. Yeah. So I had to go through that. My tooth went most of the way through my lip. Whoa. You can still see a bit of a black eye still,

but I couldn't open my eye for a couple days. I had a bruise from my temple all the way back to the base of my skull. Yeah, I was going to say, falling down your stairs, you have what, concrete stairs? So that, I had a bad cut. I got a cut that went about nine inches down my side so i was bleeding from there i was bleeding from my mouth bleeding from my nose like i was really messed up and but no no like uh nothing like really like permanently fucked up like no back injuries or anything i mean i think i've got this like where my the hole in my lip was There's like a BB sized Scar tissue

That whenever I hit it sometimes my whole lip goes numb And my ring finger is still messed up Where he was trying to yank it off Do you think he was trying to take your ring? Yeah Really he was still going for the thievery Once he was engaged in a full on battle Jesus Christ

Maybe he was just trying to break my finger too But it happened to be my ring finger, which has a giant gold ring on it, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a coincidence. Yeah. Maybe he was trying to kill two. Maybe just like shiny things.

Maybe he was a crow. Crows like shiny things to build their nests. That would be embarrassing if you found out this whole thing was with a crow. It was just drunkenly battling the Raven's mascot. It was Poe. It just turns around. It just turns around.

The fuck do you want? He's like, help me out, man. I was Poe. It just turns around. It just turns around. The fuck do you want? He's like, help me out, man. I'm Poe. So anyway. He's like, let me in. I want to hang out. You want to come in the house? Wrestle, fight him, take him down.

It wasn't even a gun. It was like a t-shirt cannon. You get a shirt. If you get a shirt, I'm going to give you a free t-shirt. But, you know, the martial arts thing paid off because I was like, I knew what to do. Like, I knew the risks and I knew what to do and I didn't have to give you a free t-shirt. But, you know, the martial arts thing paid off because I was like, I knew what to do. Like, I knew the risks and I knew what to do and I didn't have to think about it.

And all that shit went through my head. And I remember thinking, wow, you're thinking too long. You've got to act now or not. And it seemed like I'd been thinking for maybe, but it was probably two seconds and all that shit. Not even. Well, I imagine it has to be one of those things where it's like where you're uh if you're ever in a car accident or something's really serious happens yeah it slows down immensely yeah sort of like a video is taking really long to load on the internet it's probably like that right and i kept from getting shot seconds become hours ran away because the

neighbors started coming out because i was yelling the whole time we were fighting yeah that's good and uh like we're yelling at each other i can't really remember what the hell we were yelling. Did you call him a slope? Yeah. Good. Thanks, Luke. Thank God. I love using inappropriate racial slurs. I have no idea the way you just lifted off of my shoulders.

I love going to a bagel shop and being like, you damn Luxenburgers. I got a bunch of clock monkeys working here now. Yeah, like say something that sounds like it should be some sort of racial slur, but isn't. I've always wanted to do a bit about it. My cousin's a really bad racist. But then just be like, he's not good at it. Those Hispanics, man. They love watch repair.

Like, you know. What are you going to say? He's going to be like really complimentary, you know. That too. Ugh, fucking Canadians. I do. Fucking Canadian. So polite. I do kind of feel like that about people. Like normal people.

I know they're going to be too annoyingly nice to me. Wait, what? I definitely feel like there's a type of people that will walk into the diner and I'll be like, they're going to be way nice to me. And it's not that I mind. I like people being nice to me, but people that are way too nice. And it's almost artificial in a sense. Where it's kind of draining because you can't be.

I'll take that over being an asshole any day. And that's the problem is that I have to be nice back to them. Sure, yeah. But it is still just food for thought. Anybody listening out there who's being nice to people, you know, you might want to think about it.

And that was the new Mike Moran segment. Just food for thought. Bad advice with Mike Moran. Bad advice with Mike Moran. If you're thinking about

doing something nice to your server, don't do it. They're expecting it and don't want it. Bad advice. Do the other shit you do. They pretend that you matter.

If it looks like rain that day, leave the galoshes in the trunk. Bad advice with Mike Moran. I don't know why you're not. Don't go to college. I don't know why they say don't run with scissors. Do it. We've got hospitals these days, people. This ain't the Stone Ages.

It's good for the economy. You want to heat your house with your oven? That's your prerogative. Yeah. Just make sure it's not lit. Run the gas. Yeah. Okay.

So what was this new news that you discovered? So my neighbor two doors down works at Royal Farms HQ. Okay. And apparently they've got new cameras at the Royal Farms that reach out all the way across 36th Street. And you live across the street from Royal Farms. Yeah. And so the guy probably twice crossed through the Royal Farms thing. He definitely, as he ran away, he's on video.

Okay. So she went into work and found some stills of me from that night. So she's got those. And there's three guys behind me, which she's going to bring so I can look at it and see if it looks like maybe it's the guys. Yeah. But apparently I went into the Royal Farm store on the way home. I don't remember that.

Before I got mugged. Oh. Is that where the guy saw you maybe? Maybe. He might have seen me at the farm store. He might have seen me somewhere else. But he ran down Keswick towards 34th Street. And so he'd be on camera there. So anyway, I've notified the detective.

So hopefully the detective... She can show me the stills, but she can't show me the video. But the detective can go and see the video and hopefully get the guys. Why can't you see the video? They can show it to law enforcement people, but not. It's just a weird Royal Farms stipulation. I guess so.

It's not like a legal thing. Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Might be. Yeah, might be. I don't know. Although I guess it's their private property. They should be able to show it to whoever they want.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's a Royal Farms thing. Yeah, but it's probably like some liability thing. What if Jim went and killed this guy because he saw him oh yeah i'm a little weirded out like if i do see pictures of the guy because it'd be just weird right yeah yeah i know what you mean i've had experiences somewhat like that they're pretty traumatizing yeah do you think he lives in hamden no no yeah i think he's there robbing. Just walking around. Rocking, robbing.

Mm-hmm. A friend of mine lives right up the street from you. Yeah. A couple days before had an attempted home invasion. What? Yeah. Where? Where does he live?

And another comedian who's on your wall, someone tried to get in his house like a week before that, followed him home and tried to force him out the door. Oh, yeah. We know about that. No. Who? Don't worry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You talked about it on the show. Okay, yeah.

That was like a few months ago. Yeah. It was Halloween or something. No, it was in early December or late November. Yeah. I feel like he hasn't been on the show in a while. Yeah, it was a couple months ago. Really? I just heard about it.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's what, mid to late January now. So this happened in mid-December, the week before Christmas. Damn, that's brutal. The funny thing is, though, the guy who attacked Dorian, I'm pretty sure thought he was a woman and was going to molest him. And he totally should have taken his dick out. That would have been hilarious.

Yeah, just let him in and then Dorian just fucks him. No, he shouldn't have fucked him. He should have just taken his dick out and been like, alright, let's do this. Nah, I think he should have fucked him. You want it in. There you go, buddy. So, what does your wife do When you come inside Does she wake up

I'm sorry What does your wife do When you come inside Does she get mad at you She's like Jim Well it's funny that you ask The guy runs off down the street And I I kind of wait there for a second. And then he gets like a block and a half, and then I run out after him a little ways, screaming,

If you come back, I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you. Scream me at the top of my lungs. I'm going to fucking kill you. Yeah, right. And I think I might have said, I'm going to get a gun or something like that. You weren't being dishonest with this man, were you? No, I would have fucking

killed him if he came back sure like uh if well unless he shot me oh if he came back and was like let's settle this like men like and he gave me time to sober up he smacks you with the glove exactly um oh the quick quick question are you feeling any of the stuff that happened to you or is your adrenaline and just kind of like it like he pounded on my head the guy hit really hard right like and i was hurting from the fall and like i like at that like i like i was full of adrenaline but like when he was hitting me it was it was it was hitting me hard you know sure sure sure so um yeah so i didn't know i threw my shit in the street so i didn't know where my keys were yeah you know so it's like little it's like five after one and i'm banging on my door the house to wake my wife up like after this guy's gone away from to be gone and i remember thinking she knows

i went out drinking uh-huh it's one o'clock in the morning and i'm banging on the door while our son is upstairs asleep and now the dog is barking and everything else. I'm thinking, she's going to be pissed. I didn't know how bloody I already was. I didn't know how that already looked. I knew I was bleeding from my mouth so I sucked a bunch of blood in my mouth

and let it roll out so there was blood rolling down my face. You're exaggerating your injuries? No, I was making them visible so that she wouldn't be pissed when she came to the door and she would know immediately. You just spit blood in her face? Baby, don't be mad. This will be way less traumatizing for her if I'm showing blood dripping everywhere. Yeah, well, no, less traumatizing for me because I could not have taken her yelling at me at that point.

Jim had been through enough, all right? I really didn't need to be like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hey, I'll tell you what. An angry wife is worse than a mugger any day. Am I right, fellas? Wow, women. So, yeah, that's the story. Right.

Was she mad initially? No, she was freaking out. She was worried, are you okay? I looked really bad. They sent me for a CAT scan. They thought I had broken bones in my skull. Right, yeah. It was bad. They thought I had broken bones in my skull. Right, yeah. It was bad.

Yeah, I mean, that's true. You definitely could have broken your neck or cracked your head open. They thought that my ocular bone might have been broken. Oh, God. Oh, that would have been brutal. Yeah, so they did CAT scans. You're all right? Yeah.

Okay. I was emotionally fucked up. Do you think they'll catch the guy? Yeah, absolutely. No. Maybe with this video, but no, they don't give a shit like really you know like no yeah no i got jumped two weeks later asked me the same question she'd already asked where were you coming from again where is that i don't know google it so um or look at your report from earlier yeah and it was like i'll just type that in my computer but i have to have a nightmare for a couple weeks oh really that sucks like the next day

like the doc because we live in a row house for those of you who don't live in baltimore row houses are like what you would call town townhouses and i guess my neighbors were fighting so somebody slammed a door, and I heard the door slam, and I'm like, I was like, if I grab the shotgun, my wife will freak out. So I grabbed my Joe stick and ran for the door. What is a Joe stick?

It's like a martial arts, just a stick. Okay. Just a stick. It's an antenna I broke off an old TV. It's a stick I used to beat my dog, Joe. So you think you might have had a little PTSD? I learned no. No? Why do you say no?

Because PTSD is if you have it for over a month. Okay. The first month it's ASD, acute stress disorder. So I had some ASD. I was having nightmares where I could hear my son calling me, and he's not even two two he doesn't really talk very he's some words but he doesn't really talk but he was speaking in perfect english and was calling me and i was looking and looking and looking desperately to find him oh my god find him in this like shitty cellar right in a pile of like rags and he was just completely covered in bruises like whoa and like i had that dream like i'm getting all choked

up right now i had that dream for like four nights in a row. Wow, that's awful. Yeah, it was fucked up. There's a creepy element, too, that he's speaking perfect English. Yeah. Hey, coming for you. Like, oh, what is happening? Wow.

Man. This story wasn't funny at all. No, it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be funny. Sorry you went through that. Yeah. Hey. Yes, you do. that that is insane that's

uh yeah mike you said that you got mugged but it was kind of like well i've been mugged and jumped separately what's the difference between being jumped i just beat you up well i had a gun pulled out on me and my old roommate years and years ago wow and i've just been like attacked right didn't you say they were they came behind you and they're punching you in the back of the head and then you're like just stop stop i'll just give you my wallet i just like felt like punching in the back of my head and i was like whoa here we go here it's all right here you go let's not do that now yeah they just like stopped and like and i like couldn't i just had like a lot of money because

i was walking home from work. I didn't have a wallet on me or anything. So I'm going through all my pockets like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, just waiting for the next punch. Just give them something. I finally find it and just hand them a wad of money. Right, right. Did you peel off a couple bills for yourself in your pocket? I'm sure I didn't give them...

I mean, I didn't really give a shit. In that situation, I'll give you whatever cash I got. I mean, I don't fucking care. But yeah, I couldn't have give them... I mean, I didn't really give a shit. In that situation, I'll give you whatever cash I got. I mean, I don't fucking care. But, yeah, I couldn't have given them... It's not like they searched every pocket. I didn't search every pocket. I just grabbed the water bills that I could find. Just give them something. Right. You know, because back then when I was dishwashing,

they'd give us several tip-outs probably throughout the night, and I would just kind of stuff them wherever. Right. What's it like? 50 bucks or something? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's terrifying.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I think I was kind of, I've walked all the fuck over the city at like all hours of the night for like years and years. Yeah. Cause just recently you started driving. So yeah. And I used, I mean in the last few years, it was really since then I was way more careful

about what I did, but for a long time I just like didn't give a shit. I was like, well, nothing I used, I mean, in the last few years, well, it's really since then I was way more careful about what I did. But for a long time, I just, like, didn't give a shit. I was like, well, nothing I can do, like, I'm just going to have to, like, go out there and deal with it. And you said the cops didn't care afterwards? Yeah, they. Or they were just really flip? They just assumed I was drunk or something. Uh-huh.

Okay, you got mugged for no reason. All right, buddy. You were asking for it. uh-huh um okay you got mugged for no reason all right buddy i was i was covered in like you know dishwater and she had my like shitty work clothes on and stuff yeah you know i i think it was pretty clearly they like thought i was lying and they're like oh you got hit in the face how come there's no marks like being all like condescending and stuff and like what assholes yeah they're such dicks dude they're such fucking dicks i ended up like cussing them out like hardcore stuff and like what assholes yeah they're such dicks dude they're such fucking dicks i ended up like cussing them out like hardcore good and like right and like walking away like what is fucking what is their fantasy that you're what time well i ended up talking to like another

cop the next day on the phone and he was like well well number one he's like there's nothing you could do because you didn't get their names or anything yeah and also he was he like he was kind of like well you see like a lot of times like black Yeah. And also he was kind of like, well, you see, like, a lot of times, like, black people, like, he kind of was like, you know, I assume you're white. Yeah, a lot of times, like, black people get drunk and lose their money and say that they got mugged. And they have to, like, ask everybody the same questions. But it very much was not a case of the – first of all, it's, like, a horrible fucking excuse.

And then secondly, it wasn't a case of them just like running through standard questions that they have to ask yeah it's their attitude as well it was just a total like fucking like yeah and then they're just kind of like sir have you been drinking and just like being so condescending about like oh okay you got hit in the face that's funny i don't see any marks there what uh what time did this happen? It had to be probably 1220. So that's their fantasy that you just like doing a prank call to the cops at 1220 in the middle

of the night and say you got mugged and fake it? I think they thought I was drunk and lost my money or something. Gotcha. Alright, buddy. Alright. Glug, glug, glug. Alright. That's like after four Yeggers, most people just start reporting Yeah, yeah. I don't know. All right, buddy. All right. Glug, glug, glug. All right. But, yeah.

That's like after four Yeggers, most people just start reporting muggings. Three, I start calling ex-girlfriends. Two, the president. Four, the cops. Yeah, I had a. I had to call the president to see if he can get you back in with your ex-girlfriend. Come on, man. I voted for you, dog.

You owe me. Can't you call a hearing? Please. I've got some good arguments why she should blow me tonight. I put a PowerPoint together, man. Come on. Yeah, the other night I went to go see Jimmy's Chicken Shack at Power Plant. No, it was in Power Plant Live area, but at Ram's Head.

And I had to park. I parked near the block, Baltimore Street. And as I was getting out of my car, I just had a sweater on. And this guy was like, hey, man, where's your coat? It's kind of a weird thing to say, but nice at the same time. It's like, oh, don't worry about it. It's in my car. He's like, nah, man.

I said, do you want some Coke? And at this point, we're walking next to each other, and he shows me his hand in this bag of white powder. And it's like, oh, no. I'm good. That's all right. But it's one of those things where you end your conversation or interaction with someone, but you're still walking next to that person because i was headed to that parking kiosk to get my parking ticket and he's like oh all right were you going to get that parking ticket man it's 24 hours down here you need to get that

need to get that ticket it's like yeah i probably am and i'm not freaked out or anything it's just a weird situation he's like here i'll put it on my card you just pay me the two dollars and that's happened to me before because they'll steal people's cards and i'll put it on my card you just pay me the two dollars and that's happened to me before because they'll steal people's cards and they'll slide it and then they pocket the money so then would you say yes or no yeah i said i was like sure whatever we finally get to the kiosk and he slides his card it says invalid card denied and there's a, and it's just awkward silence. He's like, how about you just give me $2, man? I was like, okay, fine. Whatever will end whatever's happening here.

So I pull out my wallet, go to give him $2. He's like, how about $3? Are you serious? I was like, I said two will be enough. I gave him two. He's like, all right, have a blessed day. I was like, okay. I was never freaked out or anything.

It was just a weird interaction. But I just love that. Hey, man, where's your coat? It's like, don't worry about it. It's in the car. My car's full of cocaine. Don't you worry about it. I'm okay.

It's in the car. In which car are you driving? Is it a nice coat? Do you have like an iPad in it? Eye coats? I have so much coke Do you have like an iPad in it? Eye coats? I have so much coke I just put my iPad in it. You guys are talking about two different things here.

I know. But yeah, that was my recent almost mugging probably. But it was nice. It was pleasant. Pleasant, yeah. He showed me some cocaine. I've only seen cocaine once before. And I think it might have been coke. I don't know.

It was white. You never know. Yeah. Crisco. No, I don't think so. Crisco's oil. Crisco's white, though. Could have been heroin.

Yeah. Maybe. But he said coke. Yeah. Isn't heroin more expensive than coke? I don't know. What do I look like? Don Juan.

You look like Don Juan. Wait. He was a sex guy. You look like Pablo. I think heroin is cheaper than coke. No. like Don Juan. Wait, he was a sex guy. You look like Pablo. I think heroin is cheaper than coke. No. I think so. Really?

Heroin's a cheap drug, I think. Coke's like a... Heroin's cheap? Coke is like a rich person's drug. Crack is the cheap version of coke. Yeah. Okay. Heroin, I don't think, is all that expensive.

Tim, you ever done heroin? No. Okay. Mike? I did some, like like probably 20 minutes ago. It's probably going to kick in soon, but other than that, no.

Okay, so we should wrap it up in 20, you think? No, I've never done heroin. I've never even seen it. Clearly, because you think it takes 20 minutes to kick in. He takes that time-release

capsule heroin. It can't kick in right away, can it? He's got a slow plunger in his arm. Slow dip. I figure let it last, you know. You got to pace yourself.

Let it linger. That's what that song is about. Enjoy. The cranberries. Did you have to let the heroin needle linger? Did you have to? Did you have to? But heroin doesn't kick in right away.

Nothing kicks in like right away, does it? It's right in your bloodstream. I imagine it's pretty goddamn fast. Yeah, heroin goes right in your bloodstream. I imagine it's pretty goddamn fast. Yeah, heroin goes right in your bloodstream. What if you snort it, though? Or eat it? I don't think you snort or eat heroin. You can snort heroin.

A lot of people snort heroin. Oh, well, good for them. I know it takes longer and it lasts longer and isn't as potent, which is why the hardcore junkies. That sounds really lovely. So what I'm saying is next week, if we come back, we've all done heroin, right? Yep. I'm not going to have done heroin, by the way. I love your podcast.

It's my favorite podcast that you guys make. Thanks, buddy. But I'm not going to do that for you. You're not a fan of our silent film criticism podcast? If you have a silent podcast, it might rank higher. You're not a fan of our We Love Jerry? We're going to use that as a quote for the show. Thank you.

Thank you so much. That's the only part that I'll be in. You're not a fan of croissant talk with Josh and Mike? You know why the croissant is shaped like that? Because I do. Because God exists. Sort of. It is religious in nature.

Okay. Religious in nature. Isn't that an oxymoron? That's when Naughty by Nature went religious. They found Christ. Alright. Are you going to explain this to us? Spanish town under siege by the Moors. Jay Moore. Always wanting

more. And who were Muslim as you know. Muslim. And the Moors were tunnel wanting more. And who were Muslim, as you know. Muslim. And the Moors were tunneling into the town. Only the bakers were awake. The bakers heard the tunneling, alerted the town guards, saved the town. And to show their victory, the bakers started making their bread in a crescent moon shape to show their victory over the Islamic forces. Kind of seems like a weird way to

stick it to your enemies. I mean, that'd be like if in Vietnam they started making American flag shaped sandwiches. Maybe the guy who beat me up is making bread shaped like my head. He's trying to get the curls right into the hair.

You're not going to start making cakes with his face on it. If I can defeat him, he just ran off. I don't know. Right, yeah. I don't think I earned the right to make a pastry after. He's the one who was running, not you. It's true.

Yeah. I probably couldn't have run. Not in a straight line, anyway. Right. Serpentine. Yes. I'm slow anyway. Uh-huh.

We're slow people, the Rosedalians. What's a Rosedalian? People from Rosedale. Where's Rosedale? East of here. Oh. Well, that answers that. It's Baltimore County.

Oh, okay. It's before Dundalk. Ah. That's where you grew up? Mm-hmm. What was that like? Rosedale, Gateway to Dundalk. Oh, okay. Before Dundalk. Ah. That's where you grew up? Mm-hmm. What was that like? Rosedale, Gateway to Dundalk. Oh, God, magical.

Mm-hmm. Just like the Creation Museum? Oh, exactly. There's audio-animatronic robots telling me what to believe everywhere. What high school did you go to? Loyola. Peter Muth went to Loyola. You aware of that?

I don't know who Peter Muth is. Oh. This podcast is grinding to Loyola. You aware of that? I don't know who Peter Muth is. Oh. This podcast is grinding to a halt. Isn't the Leapsinger Cannibal Corpse from around that area? George Corpse Grinder Fisher. Cannibal Corpse is so awful. George Corpse Grinder Fisher, I believe, is from that area. He's about your age, Jim.

Excellent. So just say hi to him next time so jim what's on the horizon for you you're getting a black belt getting a black belt you might look at some stills of this uh this culprit's face catch this brigand yes um brigandier brigandocity uh you know telling some jokes next well this was coming up next week. So next Friday, I'll be at the at the Friday, the 25th, January 25th. Yes. I'll be at what do you call it? Metro Gallery.

Oh, what are you doing there? Telling jokes for. Is it a stand up night? No, it's just me and a bunch of bands. OK. And you're the yard sharks and others. OK. Are you the host?

I don't know how exactly. I'm doing whatever they want me to do. OK. Tell jokes in between. Whatever how exactly. I'm doing whatever they want me to do. I don't tell jokes in between. Whatever they want you to do? Whatever they want me to do. You don't get to be on the digression sessions without just doing whatever people will ask you to do. I'm doing this so I can do something else good.

We're talking about the digression sessions, not the Metro Gallery. No, this is not getting on here. I'm doing this to get other good shit. If we put in a good word for you. No, I just have to on here. I'm doing this to get other good shit. Yeah. Right. This is like. If we put in a good word for you. No, I just have to go here and slum.

This is like blowing a hobo. You know, like if you blow a hobo, I'll give you $11. Mike knows how blowing a hobo works, Jim. Don't condescend to Mike about blowing hobos. It is his middle name. Yes. Hobo blow. Hoblow. Hoblo.

Hoblo. You know, check me out at Grist. If you Google Jim Meyer Grist, my page will come up with all my articles there. Okay. You can do the same thing at City Paper. I've got lots of more stories coming up there. Yeah, yeah. As well as my column, Spitballing.

Check it out if you're a sports fan. Let me ask you this. Are the Ravens going to uh against them uh patriots uh you know i you know my head would i i think they i think they will yeah i'm gonna go i think in my column this week i predicted like 37 34 so i think it's gonna be like a field goal i i think it's going to be a tight game, but the Ravens seem to play to the level of their opponent, and I think they really want to win since this is the rematch of last year. So they seem to do well against the Patriots.

Let me ask you guys this. How do you think the Stallions will fare for the rest of the season? Stallions are out. Are you talking about like the CFL? The Baltimore Stallions. Of the CFL. Play at Stallions. Of the CFL. Play at Memorial Stadium. Yes, they're a good team.

Okay, good. They're going to take it to the Alouettes. Excellent. In the Grey Cup. Good. I just hope they're not dicks about it. The Alouettes head coach, I believe. The Montreal Alouettes head coach was just made coach of the Chicago Bears.

Hmm. Alouette's head coach, I believe. The Montreal Alouette's head coach was just made coach of the Chicago Bears. Mike couldn't be less interested. Good. Can we go back to talking about Tim Allen? That's your other podcast, isn't it? Like you guys just describing Tim Allen naked. Doing Tim Allen. Sort of more Ed McMahon, really. You guys watch the Larry Sanders show?

I did. It's the best. I've never seen it. It's on Netflix. You should watch it. This is the theme to Larry's show. That's different. Oh, that's Gary's show.

Yeah. That's the Gary Shandling show. The Larry Sanders show was good, too. Yeah. Do you remember the whole thing with him and David Duchovny? Yes. That was hilarious. He wasn't sure if David Duchovny was constantly hitting on him.

He's like, we should just hang out. I have a cabin. He's like, I don't know, David. Okay, Larry. A cabin. Yeah. It's such a good show. And then it turns out he was.

Yeah. There's a scene where heary shantley's like leaving gary shandling and he just puts one finger on shandling's lip which has been copied so many times since but it was hilarious that was the that was the first time i saw it used in human right right yeah excellent show it's on netflix all five seasons solid stuff um mike anything to plug? Yes. We are doing I'll be on some show

at the Wind Up Space the 24th. The 24th? So seven days from now? Yeah. What are you doing? I'm doing stand-up on Brandon Weatherby. Weatherby? Oh, the You, Me, Them, Yeah. Yeah? What are you doing? I'm doing stand-up on, I think his name is Brandon Willough? Weatherby or something?

Weatherby. Oh, the You, Me, Them, Everybody, Everyone? Yes. Cool. And, yeah, that's about it for now. Okay. Follow me on Twitter. Oh, yeah.

We'll plug all this stuff up front, too. Gotcha. Get my experience on Twitter. We'll plug it all up front. Jesus Christ. Is there anything else you want to talk about, Jim? I agreed to do this podcast so a hobo would let me blow him. It's all part of a pyramid scheme that sees me getting $11.

And I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. Really? Have you blown the hobo yet? No, I have to do this. You might enjoy it. He won't let me until I agree to do this. He wanted to humiliate me. Blow the hobo yet? No, I have to do... You might enjoy it. He won't let me until I agree to do this. He wanted to humiliate me. Blow the hobo and then see where you stand, okay?

That should be like this podcast version of Chumping the Shark. Blowing the hobo. We've really blown the hobo. When they blew the hobo in episode 72, I just couldn't listen anymore. Episode two, they really blew the hobo. I only like vintage, that's what you actually said. Episode two and before. Yeah. That's what they say about all podcasts.

When Marc Maron blew the hobo, I couldn't do it anymore. Oh, man. Yeah, so I have some shows coming up as well. I don't recall anyone asking. Okay.

Yeah, I don't think anybody asked. It's like talk about yourself. Is that how it goes? Yeah, welcome to the talk about yourself hour with Josh Garderna. We have another hour of this? Yeah. Well, it's all me now.

This is where it gets good. But we have to stay. So we can... Oh, shit. No, you have to stay. Do you want to blow the hobo? Yeah, I do want to blow the hobo. Yeah, of course you do.

So you're going to hang out. Dreamy eyes. Dreamy hobo eyes. Yeah. They've seen so much. The lazy one especially. I think it's earned its laziness. I don't know.

With that hobo eye scene. Only the hobo knows. I don't know. I have stuff to plug, but I don't remember right now. Follow me on Twitter at Better Robot Josh. Better Robot Josh? Uh-huh. Is there a lesser robot Josh?

Mm-hmm. Fuck that guy. Well, there's just Robot Josh. But there is lesser Robot as well. Your fans probably won't get my whole joke about Tom Brady being made up by Gisele Bundchen. Well, I certainly don't, but I'm not even going to try. I get it. The Manti thing?

Man, I don't, never mind. Let's try it. Let's break it down. Here we go. Break the joke down. Break down, break down, break down the joke, joke, joke. It was a standard because Manti... What's his name?

The middle linebacker for the Notre Dame. Rudy? It turns out his girlfriend didn't exist. Oh, Tao. Oh, yeah. What the hell is going on with that? How did his girlfriend not exist? She was made up.

By him? Well, either him or bad people. No. How can you not know your own? You have to be in on it. When you're dating someone who's non-existent, you have to be in on it. It's like the old saying goes. When you're dating somebody that doesn't exist, you have to be in on it.

You have to. Do you think there's some guy who's been fucking with middle schoolers for generations by making up Canadian girls at camp? Yeah. You know how you get a Canadian girlfriend at camp? I get it. What's up? I get it. All right, so let's start the podcast.

All right. You guys ready? Let's blow a hobo. Was the one you did with Dan or Alex as long as this one? Didn't you do another podcast just minutes ago? When we blew the hobo? No. No.

Alex and I were just hanging out. Oh, I thought you guys were doing another podcast. No. Okay. No. That's Alex. That's Alex. I can never tell them apart.

Why? Does that make me racist? Yeah. Yeah. They. That's Alex. That's Alex. I can never tell them apart. Why? Does that make me racist? Yeah. They are both Jewish. They are. Huh. Even the big one? Even the big one.

He's a big Jew. Probably related to Goldberg, the wrestler. Whoopie. Whoopie Goldberg, the wrestler. I would love to wrestle Whoopie Goldberg. All right. Jim, thank you for joining us on the show. Thank you.

It's been fun. Jim, our signature sign-off is the guest saying they had a great time on the digression session. I had a great time on the digression sessions. Now will you release my family? Yep. Thanks, buddy. I suppose. Thanks.

Hold this, Kirk. Behold the atheist's nightmare. Now, if you study a well-made banana, you'll find on the far side there are three ridges. On the close side, two ridges. If you get your hand ready to grip a banana, you'll find on the far side there are three grooves. On the close side, two grooves. The banana and the hand are perfectly made one for the other. You'll find the maker of the banana, almighty God, has made it with a non-slip surface. It has outward indicators of inward contents. Green, too early. Yellow, just right.

Black, too late. Now, if you go to the top of the banana, you'll find, as with the soda can makers, they placed a tab at the top. So God has placed a tab at the top. When you pull the tab, the contents don't squirt in your face. You'll find the wrapper, which is biodegradable, has perforations. Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand. Notice there's a point at the top for ease of entry. It's just the right shape for the human mouth. It's chewy, easy to digest, and it's even curved toward the face to make the whole process so much easier. Seriously, Kirk, the whole of creation testifies to the genius of God's creative work.

Oh, boy.