The Digression Sessions - Ep. 69 - Matt Stovall!

Episode Date: March 31, 2013

- Reading is Cool! - Hola Digheads! This week Josh and Mike are joined by comedian, Matt Stovall! Matt’s brand of comedy is an honest one – almost too honest, as he’s not afraid to speak freely, and without a filter. In fact, his lack of filter has gotten him in trouble both on stage and off. For instance, Matt is probably one of the only people to get kicked out of an Amon Amarth (Viking Death Metal) show for fighting or tell a Special Olympics joke with a table of full of Special Olympics coaches in the front row. Luckily for us though, these stories are hilarious. Matt’s also shares stories about his early experiences in black comedy rooms, his love of metal music, his comedy influences (would you have guessed Dane Cook and Larry the Cable Guy?), and stories about his old internet TV show “The Salty Pirate,” where he interviewed bands and comedians like Doug Stanhope and Jim Florentine! We also ask the tough questions on this podcast. Such as “Have you ever been called ‘Matt Snowball’???” You’ll have to listen to the cast to hear Matt’s shocking answer! This was another fun ep! Find all things Matt Stovall at @USAMattStovall. And if you get a chance please help us out by leaving us a quick comment on iTunes and maybe rating, if you’re nasty. And tell a friend! Spread the good word! Thanks, Digheads!! Follow Us – @USAMattStovall @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast. A Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young and handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week comedian matt stovall is our guest on this week's program. And we had quite a fun chat with this gentleman. I've seen him at a few open mics and shows, and he's very funny. And a friend of our friend, Mike Fonazo. Great show. Yeah, it was very cool to talk to that fellow all about Viking death metal. An old YouTube TV show, internet TV show I used to do

called The Salty Pirates, which you can find on YouTube. And you can follow him at USA Matt Stovall on the Twitters. That's M-A-T-T-S-T-O-V-A-L-L. I don't know if that's how you spell Twitters. We'll fix it in post, Mike.

We'll fix it in post, Mike. We'll fix it in post. And then some stuff to plug for your favorite pair of earbuds here. Me, Josh Coderna. You can follow me on Twitter, at BetterRobotJosh. And I have some improv dates coming up. I will be at the Mob Town Theater with my Baltimore improv group, Gus, on April 12th at 8 p.m., Friday, April 12th. And Wednesday, April 17th, I'll be co-hosting Chuckle Storm with Alex Broslowski at the Auto Bar.

And sitting to my left, Mr. Mike Moran, what you got going on? What do we got here? We have an improv show on wednesday the 10th i will be performing improv with my uh true population six and i'll probably doing some stand-up as well that is at mugshots cafe um 8 p.m wednesday the 10th that is in mount vernon and it's free and it's free and it's free so yeah we might be working on some new material as well it. And it's free. And it's free. And it's free. So yeah, we might be working on some new material as well. It's a very fun room too. Other comedians that are listening, if you want to work

on some new material at the open mic. Yeah, we always have a great time. And also Saturday the 13th I will be doing improv with Population 6 at the Mobstown Theater. That's also at 8pm. Uh-huh.

And the other thing that I have coming up as I awkwardly try to find it is a column. I should have a column up probably today or tomorrow on Patch North. Just Google

Patch North Baltimore and you'll find me there. Yep. And what's your... It's kind of a monthly, bi-weekly column. Kind of. Just whenever. I've been trying to get out one or two a month. Yeah. It used to be called Open Mic. What's it called? It's now called Baltimorean. Baltimorean. That's right. Yeah. I'm very happy

about that. Check it out. You're on the Twitter. I am at Michael Morantan. Hey now. Find me. Know me and know me love me yeah touch me appropriately that's in parentheses on the t-shirt touch me um and for uh past and future episodes check us out on itunes or digressionsessions.com we'd really appreciate a rating on the itunes maybe a comment if you got something. Wouldn't hurt you.

Wouldn't kill you. It would not kill you. And tell a friend. Please tell. If you enjoy the show, spread the word. Or an enemy. We don't care. We don't care what your relationship is to this person.

Just fucking tell somebody. Jesus Christ. We do a lot of favors for you, okay? I mean, yeah. What have you... This is free. Yeah. What have you done for us lately, Janet Jackson? Also, we're on Twitter at

DigSeshPod. And let's get into the episode. We love you. Hey, good to be here, man. Big fan of the podcast. I've been listening to a couple of the shows. Yeah? That makes you our biggest fan, I think. Next to Mike and I's moms, you are number one.

You're up there for sure. Yeah. I think you might have to pull it just a little bit closer to you. Yeah, you can move the base of it too. You can move the base. You can play with the balls a little bit. Is there like a certain side I got to talk into or is this good where it is? Yeah. We just took a shower if you want to reach into, or is this good where it is? Yeah.

We just took a shower if you want to reach around. I did Dylan Petticoat. I think you have the same mic. Yeah, there you go. You're here. This side here. Here we go. Yeah, right into that thing.

All right. So, Matty Stovalls, how you living, Matty Stovalls? Living wonderful. How about you gentlemen here? I am well, Josh. We're good. I think Mike and i both just woke up not too long ago yeah that's true also worked till four oh last night busy shift

too ah down at the paper moon diner you know it oh boy but enough about me let's talk about josh kardana i'm with you i read a book until about one in the morning oh mr big shot i am there we go what was it on and how better are you well it was uh it was a stephen king book it's called 11 22 63 my father read that and told me i should read it yeah everybody's been saying that and uh it was friday night i bought this book because i was sitting around watching tv uh-huh and i was like i should probably read a book. Everybody's talking about a new Stephen King book. A little bit.

Yeah, everybody. My crazy circle that I run with. Really? Down there at the dog fighting ring. I say, you got to read this Stephen King. Stephen King is one of those things where I don't know if I sound cool by bragging about how many Stephen King books I've read or if I sound like a jackass. Right.

He's like right on the cusp. Yeah, I tried. Amanda was going to buy it for me at Atomic Books over by the avenue, and the guy looked at her. He was like, why would I have that book? Really? Have you seen some of the books they have there? Yeah, I know.

The Book of Boobs. I swear to God, they have a book called The Book of Boobs. Why the fuck would I have some mainstream bullshit like Stephen King? A little bit beyond that. Now here's a copy of Horror Fest magazine. It has great boobs in it. Here you go. Enjoy.

Yeah, so I was like, I've probably read like two books since I've graduated. Really? I really need to read a book. So Friday night, I went downtown to the Barnes and Noble in the harbor because that was the only bookstore. So you were on a mission. Yeah, I really was. You're like, enough with this bullshit. I love to be an idiot.

To read a post-high school book. That's exact. And it's 800 pages, too. I was like, yeah, it's a big-ass book. I'm not intimidated. I'll take that on. You think I'm afraid of you? Hell no, Stephenhen king so i read 50 pages and i fell asleep right right i am finding it harder for some reason it's really hard for me these days to read fiction sometimes i will

listen to fiction but reading it is difficult i have an easier time reading non-fiction but do you get your books from Audible.com, Mike? Because I would like to say you can receive a free book download. We're willing to give Audible free advertising if they'll someday consider us. That would be great. Even just be considered. If we volunteer for a year, maybe. That would be really nice.

But how's the book so far? So far, it's pretty good. It's about time travel sort of in a weird weird cool way like you walk down the steps of yeah but you can't see them right so once you go in between worlds you have to try to figure it out so i'm only like i said i'm only 50 pages into this 800 book behemoth but so far so good golden shaw has a good uh bit that it's one of those bits that i can't believe that other people besides me find hilarious. But it's about how Stephen King books always have a random homosexual theme, blatantly sexual theme, just jammed in there awkwardly.

He just likes to jam that homosexual. Yeah, he really does. It's so strange. There's always some penis reference. Andy Dufresne had quite the hawk. I can't remember, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was, like, something about... Oh, you know what? In the Shawshank Redemption, the book, I do remember there being talk of the blood coming

from his damaged anus after gay rape and how you have to wad up a thing of toilet paper and put it in there lest some smart-ass jailbird asks you about your period. And, okay, this is the real kicker, and Nick talks about this on stage, in It, the book version of It, not only is there a jerk-off fest between the bad greaser guys. Is that what he calls it, a jerk-off fest? I would not be surprised if he did. It's not far from that. That was the original title for it.

Stephen King's jerk-off fest. That was the original title for Lollapalooza, I think. Really? You go to jerk-off fest 1999? It's going to be crazy, bro. Oh, and also, in the conclusion of it, when the children are in the sewers and they defeated the monster, somehow they've lost their psychic connection, and so they don't know how to get out of the sewers, so they gang bang the little girl.

Swear to Christ. Makes sense to me. I track that. He who walks by the rose. I track that line of thinking. Oh, we're stuck. Guess we're gonna rape. Do we have a guest this week? What? Oh my god.

Hey, Matt Stovall. What's up, fellas? Hey. I do not read, so I just sat here silently. Reading sucks. What the hell's wrong with you guys? I used to be just like you. It's like being cool. I used to be cool like me. Fucking dorks, man.

I want to be cool and smoke, but it's just so difficult. I want to read. Now, reading is cool. I'm just lazy. That's why I went and bought a book at 930 at night on a Friday. I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to read. Comedian Matt Stovall.

How the hell are you? Doing wonderful. I just took a piss downstairs in your bathroom. Thank you. Did you like that accordion RV door that we have down there? I was confused at first. I thought you guys were like really new age, didn't have a door. You're making some sort of social statement.

Yeah, I know. Nothing to hide, man. Everybody shits. West. You know the West is all uptight. Do people do that? Is there like a movement to like just have a toilet like in your living room all uptight. Do people do that? Is there a movement to just have a toilet in your living room or something? I think people do that.

Who? Poor people. It's a new movement being poor. It's a new age movement in Rwanda. That's right. But I was flushing the toilet, and it didn't flush right away. It's so frightening. Oh, yeah.

Somebody else's house. You never know how it's going to go. Sorry. I should have warned you. Yeah, that's the thing, too. You never know how it's going to go. It's like, sorry, I should have warned you. Yeah, that's the thing, too. Even if it does flush, some of it comes back. So I don't blame you. Sometimes they come back.

They do. Like the Stephen King book. Yeah, also, Josh's toilet downstairs is often good for an old waterlogged turd to surprise you. I was going to give him an upper decker, actually. Decided against it. Got you guys. I wonder how many people get injured everycker, actually. Decided against it. Got you guys. I wonder how many people get injured every year from attempting to do upper deckers. I can't imagine that would be safe.

Another upper decker related death. It's the new law and order. Start a frat party, about to hook up with a chick, and then walk it back. Oh, my God. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I call this dick. The upper decker one. You got it.

Upper decker death. Got another UDD down at the old Sigma Chi house. Double D. Upper decker death. Oh, okay. Right, right. Come on. All right.

Look, we'll workshop it. We'll fix it in post. Okay. All right. You guys do post? This is legit. No. Post consists of me leaving

And Josh being slapped on for like Three hours I'm outta here Hey bookworm edit this shit I'm outta here I gotta go up and deck the Burger King So is Mike the rock star on this podcast? He really is

He shows up late Leaves early Just leave in the middle of the podcast. Sorry, bros. I get angry, throw down the mic like Axl Rose.

I call some sugar riots. You are wearing a kilt right now, too, which is strange. Under these pants is a kilt. It sounds awkward. Oh, boy.

Theater of the mind, Matt. You see that? Can they see that? Oh, yeah. So, Matt, Theater of the mind, Matt. You see that? I am. You see that? Oh, yeah. So, Matt, you're a comedian, funny fella. Wanted to get you on the show for a while. We finally worked it out. Glad you're here.

How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it since 2006, but I did take a couple of years off because I grew to hate it, and then I came back. That seems to happen with a lot of people. Everybody gets into it, and they get burnt out and they need some space from it. Why did you hate it? Was it too clicky, too much BS?

Just the logistics of it going out. I've always been working, so I just was tired and I wasn't doing that well. I was doing okay. I don't know. I used to have a lot of friends in comedy and stuff, but I also did a lot of black rooms back in the day, too, and I grew to not like doing that.

So I kind of took a couple years off, let it cool down, then exclusively moved just to white rooms. Right, yeah. Gave it a two-year buffer there. Yeah, the black rooms was also a Stephen King book, too. There was one called The Black House. There it is. There it is.

The Black Comedy House. Starring Matt Snowball. Starring Tyler Perry and Matt Snowball. Were you ever called Matt Snowball as a child? I was, yeah. And my family was. That was more their thing. They were like, don't worry if kids call you Snowball.

Like it was some personal thing. They sat you down. It's time. Oh, God. It actually really bombed very badly at a black room called Arena Players. It's on the way, kind of here. Oh, really? Where is that? I've never even heard of it. It's like off of, what's that road? MLK.

Okay. Going towards the auto bar. There's a black room off of MLK? It was like a theater. That seems like a weird place. I don't know about that. How come Malcolm X never gets any streets named after him? Oh, he gets them.

There's one in Southeast D.C. Really? Yeah. What about Frederick Douglass? I don't know. I stopped doing black rooms. I couldn't deal with it. So, yeah.

So what was your experience in black rooms? I had a really good time, actually. But I found like I was very like sexual when I was doing like black rooms because they love that shit. They do. Yeah. A lot of humping the stool. Yeah.

Pussy talk. I like black comedians. Like I actually enjoyed watching their sets. Yeah. And some of the boring white comics that we have on the scene. Right. Yeah. You know,

you're Josh Kudernik. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're white bread. Yeah.

No, I am happy to be a black comedian in Baltimore. Yeah. But I don't know. I just felt like it wasn't my place you know like i'm not a black guy i'm not like streets what made you decide to go that route in the first place because i just loved the black comedians and they kind of liked me to begin with yeah yeah i mean i had a good time doing those shows kind of want to go back now talking about it yeah

bill burr did those rooms i hear him talk about it a lot. It is just a different aesthetic to it that they're quick to tell you if they like you or if they don't like you. At the same time, it's like, fuck them. Who are they to tell me? I was about to be really racist there. I pulled back because you guys... Which one of us has superior genetics?

Talking to me? You can use that for a heckler, by the way. Yeah, but I hated the whole judgmental thing. I think that's probably why I stopped doing it. It's like you had to always be different around them a little bit. If they didn't like something, that was like, oh, nobody likes it if we don't like it. It's like, fuck that. I do this around smart people.

They love it. AKA white people thank you no um yeah i i'm terrified to do those because i i think if you if you show like the least like the tiniest bit of fear hesitation they're like get off the stage next yeah this bitch ain't funny i'm gonna fuck his girl it's not what this is about. No, don't fuck my girl. Yeah, I wouldn't want him to fuck my girl. But I got played off a stage right here in Baltimore. Oh, like they started the music? Sandman came out and...

No, I was just bombing mercilessly. I did probably five minutes, and I was just out of place there to begin with. And I showed some fear, I guess. And they just worn out into my material. And then about five minutes in, they just start playing music, and I just kind of put my head down

and then I walk backwards and then there's the one supportive black guy who didn't laugh the entire show and he feels like oh I gotta go

show this man some love so then he makes me come back and high five him and then I walk back and he's like that's even worse now you're treating me

like I have cancer or something good job buddy you're gonna be alright I think it's good that you can do this despite being so incredibly talentless Like I have cancer or something. Good job, buddy. You're going to be all right. I think it's good that you can do this despite being so incredibly talentless. That is one of the worst things you can hear. Like, you look like you're having fun up there.

That's interesting. Yeah. You got some good ideas. Good for you. I can see how that might work, you know, like under certain circumstances. Good for you. If you were like a different human. Or funnier. Sure. I can see how that might be a good act If you were like a different human. Or funnier. Sure.

I can see how that might be a good act if you were a funnier person. Yeah. So did you originally take on those rooms for that reason? Kind of like if I can do well here, I could probably do well in other rooms? They were just more fun at the time. Because back then, like 2006 when I started, there wasn't really a lot going on in Baltimore. So I would go to D.C.

Pre-digression sessions. Yeah, pre-before dig sesh, stick shit over, whatever you call it. I hate that nickname, by the way, dig sesh. You hate it? Come on, I hate that. Which one of us is genetically superior? Dig sesh. I like it.

I can't be the only one that doesn't like that. Come on. But you are a dig head, though, right? As long as you have an opinion. The opposite of love is indifference. Right. You're way ahead of everybody else that doesn't know that nickname. At least you have an opinion.

You guys have a good thing going here. This is probably the most professional podcast going here in Baltimore. Oh, really? Wow. Thank you, sir. I haven't done any other ones. Yeah, that's what I figured. Must have done some pretty crappy podcasts.

I mean, that right there. Josh does a wonderful job. Yeah, there we go. A lot of people don't even know that we're recording in a bedroom. A lot of people think that it's... As my mic slowly falls down like a limp penis. Mike Moran's microphone just comically keeps falling.

Like we're in like Vaudeville. It's just like, and then I said the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like a flower. We are so professional. And then everything catches on fire. Let me squirt you with a water bottle or something. Choose. I am waiting for a bus.

Okay. Enough digressing. Excuse me. Digressing. Forgive me. Matt Stovall. Yo. Where are you from?

Columbia, Maryland. Columbia, Maryland. What year are we talking about? Did you graduate? Born in 87. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm 26 now. Yeah. Josh's age uh-huh we are same age born 86 oh shit yeah man remember when you were like little at least i was like i would like always

feel really cool when i was older than somebody oh yeah now it's the opposite that kid's a fucking year younger i'm way better than him now it's like oh you're 10 years younger than me and you're no times as successful. Yeah. I was watching, whenever I watch sports, I always think about it, but I was watching some March Madness action with my dad yesterday. And it's just like, this guy looks like he's 45 years old and they're like, he's a sophomore from Ohio State and he's like six foot 10 and just dunking the ball. And I have my fingers crossed that I'll grow a mustache someday. And this guy's like a

fully formed man please lord you wake up every morning let me get some bristles above my top lip please sweet facial hair yeah oh no at least you got a better education than him he's on a bus all year yeah study he's probably gonna make millions of dollars, though, before he blows his knee out or something. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely weird. And then what's with all these people being born in the 90s that I keep meeting? I don't know. That is bizarre.

I'm tired of it. Yeah, what the hell? I can legally have sex with people born in the 90s. Yeah, you can. It is getting creepier, too. Especially if you're ever trapped in a sewer or something they're all yours you can just rape them that was a callback to the stephen king thing okay good wow they didn't rape the girl oh she willingly had sex with all the male members of

the right sure look you don't have to defend it to me look i'm not the judge or the police sure yeah last night there was a there's a couple in there or no not a couple two dudes i guess I'm not the judge or the police. Sure. Yeah. Last night, there was a couple in there. Or no, not a couple. Two dudes. I guess there were a couple, but they weren't, you know, doing it. And Jill was convinced they were like. Is that the restaurant you work at? Paper Moon Diner.

Jill was convinced that they were undercover cops because they just looked like aging 90s guys, you know? They had like nose rings ball necklace yeah yeah kind of like the uh the the snowboarder kind of look you know won't stop talking about 311 yeah exactly exactly but they were like old wrinkly guys you know what i mean like piercings and stuff and and she like was convinced that they were narcs of some kind you know like you boys know where i can buy some grass but uh wouldn't mind a marijuana cigarette or two right about now but really they were just people from the 90s who are like in their late 40s now that just never moved on yeah well i mean you know you dress your your era you know everybody kind of dresses like they did when they're 21 for the rest of their life to some degree that is going to be strange to have 50 year old people in jinko jeans we already we

already have that we already have like people at least in their 40s that were you know at lollapalooza 92 wearing airwalks yeah exactly exactly yeah it's uh yeah i don't mind you though i mean i i hope i uh hey get in where you fit in, huh? Exactly. Right? Matt Sobel, how do you feel about JNCO jeans? I never wore them. They were, like, very cool.

I wore the Lee Pipes. That was as cool as I went. I remember that. They'd have, like, the colored stripe kind of thing. And they were all bell-bottomed. Yeah. Remember the stripe era of the late 90s? Everything had to have a stripe.

I think, yeah, I think that tied in with the cat in the hat, raver hats that everybody wore for a while. Well, I mean the single stripe. Oh, like down the side. Yeah, down the side. Across the chest. You know, down the sleeve. Maybe like double stripes.

Yeah. You know. Mm-hmm. I had a lot of that going on. Stripes. Yeah. That Bill Murray movie. Right. Groundhog Day. Late 90. Yeah. That Bill Murray movie. Right.

Groundhog Day. The one with the elephant. Didn't he have something with an elephant? Operation Dumbo Drop. Was he in that? I think so. I don't know. We'll fix it in post, Matt.

Matt, so you like metal. We did a little pre-interview. Are you a metal guy? Yeah. Although I'm mellowing out a lot. Right. But yeah, big. But you're also into the hip-hop.

Into the hip-hop and everything, man. Uh-huh. Legitimately into everything. I used to hate people that said that. But I legitimately listened to a lot of good. Yeah. A lot of good, a lot of bad. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I used to do that, too. I hated that. Like, in high school, especially when you think, like, you're in, like, your prime music state and, like, your bands are your bands. Like, I love the Deftones. Nobody else knows about the deftones right and there'd be girls like i like the deftones i like everything shut up i hate you you don't like them for you were you like really angry about that or were you just like pretending to i was angry right i was

yeah i was definitely one of those kids like this is my band i think i did that but i don't think i really cared i think i just pretended to because i thought i was supposed to yeah i didn't like go home it's like oh that christine oh she really chaps my ass frost my cookies another thing along those lines was like i i think i just realized recently that i don't care if bands or film franchises continue on past their prime like i think i'd rather they continue and release mediocre stuff when i used to have to pretend to be like why didn't they just give up 10 years ago yeah i did that too it's like why doesn't their sixth album sound like their first album what the hell that's when they were good it's like what do you expect them to do just do the same shit for

like 20 years yeah yeah how do you feel about that matt that, Matt? See, I still kind of don't like when they keep going on. Why not? Because, like, I don't know. Like, I like the original, like, idea, like, of the band. When they get really old, it's kind of silly. It does kind of tarnish it a bit. They could start something else. That would be cool.

Right. Something new. But don't you want to see them, like, do the old songs? I like to see them get rich now. Don't you want to sing along? Well, songs? I like to see them get rich now. You're right, I do. I saw Black Sabbath 2005. That was fucking awesome.

Was it actually really good? Well, because they played their old songs. If they played the new songs, I'd hate it. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Wouldn't you rather they exist in that form than not exist at all? Oh, okay. I thought you meant you liked the new material a lot.

I like when they do the old shit. Yeah. Right. But I do also. Even bands musically, when I'm past their prime, it's more interesting to me to hear a new album even if it's not as great as their old stuff just to see where they're going. I love the Death Magnetic by Metallica.

That was their new album. I was pretty disappointed by that. It looked good on paper as did Saint Anger but both of them just lacked the spark. And communism. Good on paper. Good on paper. My favorite Metallica album. Saint Anger, but they both of them just lacked the communism communism good right paper good paper true my favorite metallic

Ride the communism lightning communism hatchet and sickle No, I yeah, Anger is so bad. They're like. I wouldn't say it's so bad. Like, hey, Lars, why don't we make your snare sound like a keg? What do you think of that? They're like, great, do that. For me, like, bands generally, the sound, like, the style, the aesthetic, it doesn't really make that much of a difference for me. It's really just, like, if the creativity and, like, the spirit is there in the songwriting, you know.

Yeah, I can pick up on that it just sounded so bad i just think like it sounded like they like metallica had been ignoring where metal was going for such a long time and then once it had changed they're like oh let's do what everybody was doing three years ago and now we're gonna fit it well i liked the idea of going back to a very uh back to punk, simple, just like all riffage. But the spirit just wasn't there. It just wasn't moving. Yeah, I remember watching the... Did you guys see the documentary about them while they were making that album?

Bits and pieces where they're all bitching at each other? Yeah, and they bring in the therapist and stuff. Some kind of monster. Yeah, that's what it was. They brought in a therapist. Yeah, who worked with the Miami Dolphins before and stuff. And they have these group conversations, almost like marriage counseling. James Hetfield talking about his trust.

Yeah. You can't trust anybody. Lars Ulrich is like steeping tea. He's just like, well, fuck you, bro. I don't think. And Lars Ulrich sells one of his paintings in that movie for like over a million dollars. Really? And I just love that they're like, we got to really get our anger out in this house.

Like, you just made a million dollars. No, but I mean, I can. A lot of people say that. But it's like, I guarantee you're just as miserable. Once your financial world changes, I guarantee you a year later, and statistically this is backed up, people go right back to how happy they were. I have heard that with the lottery. We're fucking rich compared to so many people in this world. And they're looking at us being like, how the hell do those guys have problems?

Because that's how people talk in third world countries in Africa. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, no, look at me. I'm watching my 42 inch television just like oh what am i doing with my life exactly go get a book everybody has psychological issues no matter how physically comfortable you are yeah but you gotta admit it does take away from it a little bit you're certainly gonna lose your street edge once you become a massive band and sold millions of records yeah but i think you can. I think that's part of

what I don't like about newer Metallica is that I want to hear them explore their existential woes instead of just kind of writing about woes. I want to hear people get deep with their I want to hear people mature

and really explore themselves musically see that's where when I rap I hate that like I hate hearing about when they try to get deep yeah

I want to hear like what they know like just trapping and selling drugs and shit so you're not a fan of the Miracle song I don't know what that is the ICP one

ICP the Magnet song that's one thing I never I'm so proud I never got into ICP and I had friends that did and I was like this shit and also Pokemon i hated both of those from the beginning yeah i never got into that either i that's i was really big into video games too and i just remember people

like oh did you get the red red whatever remember like like cartridges yeah the cartridge like oh i got the blue one yellow one comes out in a month what's happening who are you people yeah uh i i avoided the icp thing too i never i teetered on the edge too because i remember enjoying cottonmouth kings but kind of ironically and then um yeah they were they would they would do stuff with icp right i saw cottonmouth kings live it was so bad why um because it was i think it was a 9 30 club and tickets were like 20 bucks and we thought it would be funny to see. But you went ironically.

Sort of. But I did like some of their songs. Like they're actually kind of fun. Like mostly for, I don't know, the goofy factor. Right. These white guys are crazy. Right. And they were like one of the guys is like in his 40s.

And he's kind of what we were talking about. He had like the bleach blonde hair and like spikes. And he's like, we're in D.C., man, where it's illegal to smoke a plant, but you can shoot a missile. That ain't right. That guy gets it. Yeah, and I said, yes, finally. See, that's the shit I hate. Right, right.

Tending to be political because they saw one documentary. Right. I hate that so much. Yeah, and also it's like like what are you talking they don't shoot missiles from dc like like there's like a missile compound behind the 930 club can't smoke a plant man yeah 930 club i hate all the bands that are there now really like i went down i was i'm looking for shows to go to because i'm trying to reconnect and every band had like flannels on indie haircuts yeah glasses and

they used to have like metal bands there and stuff and there was no there was that's i felt so old there was no show i wanted to go to there at 9 30 club yeah let's see who's coming there that i wanted oh i think living color is coming there i'd see them the the cult of personality band yeah the way they wear it are they still rocking the um fluorescent uh wetsuits what a strange thing to wear on stage the late 80s were a funny time yeah they really were body glove i remember all that stuff right well i think there was kind of a movement by the more alternative kind of rock bands to kind of mock the mainstream uh kind of uh aesthetic that was popular at the time sure you know and like wearing outlandish clothing and ridiculous uh you know

just kind of that'll show them we'll wear wetsuits on stage take that establishment um yeah i don't know i uh as far as bands at the 9 30 club i don't know who's coming through but i've seen i've seen slipknot there twice i've also seen annie defranco there same show same bill yeah when they did that double tour you remember that it was a righteous babe metal thing but um yeah i don't know i i think i've mellowed out too that i i don't know i am one of those people like you were saying it's like i i enjoy everything i wouldn't mind seeing some metal and then some guys in flannel with a lot of delay pedals rocking out that's uh that's a pretty expansive cat yeah that's that's what i like guys and hey i'm not gonna apologize for

my views mike i'm not gonna apologize you run the gamut i am look i'm not going to apologize for my views, Mike. I'm not going to apologize. You're running the gamut. I am. Look, I'm not here to make friends, okay? It's inspiring. Sorry, I just got here to make friends. There should be a reality game show called Making Friends. Because it's always the complete opposite. It's just about making friends. Oh, I don't want to win the game.

I just want to know about your life. That's all. Just sit and talk with a nice cup of tea. Sell art to each other. But they still try to have drama. Just like, did you buy milk? Coming up next. Did Chandra buy milk? Then they come back from commercial. She's like, yeah, I did actually.

Did Aaron forget what she was going to say? I was going to say something. Find out next. Next week. Now I'm going to say. I was going to say something. Find out next. Next week. I'm trying to remember. What was it? I can't remember.

Credits. Well, Matt, you're a metal guy. I'm looking at my notes here. You like rappers. How do you feel about rap metal? Combine the two. I don't like it. I do not like it like to you know keep my my genres separate let me let

me write that i'm a segregationist when it comes to about everything race especially but you know i'm kind of a music purist only for race um i have viking death metal i forget why i wrote that down. Oh, yeah. That was a time I made an ass out of myself. Oh. In Baltimore. I was at Ram's Head. Amon Amarth was playing. They're a Viking-themed death metal band.

Okay. They're very good. Fucking love them. I feel like it's easy to be. Is that a pretty big genre, Viking death metal? They have it on lock. What are we talking here before we continue with this story? Is kind of the european power metal type of thing with the swords and straight on death metal and they just um they just dress like vikings and all the songs are

about viking shit are they joking no they're way into it so but it's kind of like that you know that like power metal uh genre that's kind of all about the old school european uh warrior kind of thing there's like nothing tongue-in-cheeky about Monomouth, man. They're like all in. It's so cool. Every song's about Valhalla and killing people. Berserkers. Raping and

pillaging. Berserker, I never got into them. I know they're a very respected band. Isn't the Berserker a part of Viking culture? Is it? I don't know. I know there's a band named Berserker. Berserker. Okay. Alright. Anyway Is it? I don't know. I know there's a band named Berserker. Berserker. All right. Anyway, so go on. You're at the show.

So I'm getting smashed in the car on the way up here. I'm with, like, my best friends. I'm not driving for once. I'm normally the guy that drives. So I'm taking full advantage of this. I'm drinking Kentucky Gentleman in the back seat, and I'm not realizing how much I'm drinking. How funny is that, that Kentucky Gentleman is something you're drinking in the back seat and I'm not realizing how much I'm drinking. How funny is that?

That Kentucky Gentleman is something you're drinking in the backseat of a moving car. That's not a good name for a liquor. So I was sucking on Kentucky Gentleman and I'm just getting filled with liquid. It's dripping out of my mouth. That's right. I'm on drinking monocle and top hat bourbon or something. Anyway, I am just full of Kentucky hat bourbon or something. Anyway. I am just full of Kentucky gentlemen at this point. Right.

Anyway, go on. So I'm getting smashed in the back seat. Sure. And I don't remember anything because I was drinking so much liquor. And it was just I blacked out at some point. And I've never blacked out before. Really? That's the only time?

Yeah. That's the only time. Like in a public place where I've paid consequences for it later. Right, yeah. But alone in your bedroom, you've done it repeatedly. Oh, yeah. Every night. Every night. How else are you going to fall asleep?

All the way to dull the pain, man. Come on. You're an adult, right? How else are you going to forget about that? The evils of my life. Yeah. Okay, so go on. So it's kind of like you're in the car and you don't remember anything after that

do you remember getting to the shows like little flashes like it was a movie i remember like a two second flash that's how i think about it too the couple of times that i've blacked out just like end of the movie that it's like dvd extras and i don't remember how they delete it what the hell was that? So yeah, so you're at the show and you're kind of fading in and out between reality. Yeah, and I'm moshing. And apparently my friends told me

that I was buying drinks. I don't remember buying drinks at all. I was buying drinks there, so getting more drunk. And the show goes on. So I remember kind of when the show was starting, I was like, you know, moshing, doing circle pit things, hitting people.

But I had no balance. Like I was falling. But you were in the line at the bar just punching people. Let's get it going, you pussies. Oh, my gosh. So I'm like, I have no balance, and I'm moshing. I'm just falling repeatedly, like smacking the ground. And then apparently I got thrown out because I got into a fight that I don't remember.

I've never been in a fight. I so bad want to remember my only fights. Right. And I don't know if I won. I don't know if I lost. But I know I don't remember it, which isn't a good sign. Well, that's really good bragging rights. You got kicked out of a Viking death metal band show for fighting.

That's tough. You'll probably be pretty popular in 12th grade. That's right. Yeah, absolutely. Employers will love this podcast, right? You put that out of applications. You've got that it factor we're looking for. Well, I don't have experience, but I have been kicked out of a Viking death metal show.

You tell Johnson he's off the accounts. So it doesn't end here, though. I was making an ass out of myself the entire evening. After I got thrown out, it didn't end there. I was just smashed. I was just in Inner Harbor, Baltimore, just apparently saying the N-word a lot. And I don't remember this. That's a great spot to say it, right?

If you're going to say it somewhere, it may as well be in the Tarkin City. Somehow I built a sandwich board and I wrote the N word on it. I'm just walking around. And then I'm trying to get back into the show because I lost my phone. And there's the bouncer who's kind of big guarding the door. And I'm like, give me my fucking phone. Give me my phone back. Like he stole it personally.

I hope there's a round of calling ex-girlfriends in this story. That's why he wants the phone back. He's trying to get laid. You up? I lost the phone, so photos of their titties are gone. I don't know where they are. Right. Somebody's enjoying them.

Probably that bouncer. I know. He claims to not know. Yeah, he claims to not know where it is. So I'm just, God bless this bouncer. I'm just berating him with my drunken abuse. Like, you fat-titted fuck, give me my ID. Give me my phone.

And I wanted my ID, too. I was like, give me my fucking ID. I know you got my ID. Oh, no. And he's like, look in your wallet. I pull out my wallet, and my ID's in there. I'm like, give me back my fucking phone. Oh, man.

Wow. I humbly apologize. So then, on top of all the subconscious saying the N-word in Baltimore, apparently on the ride home, I'm just singing Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift, the entire ride home. Of course. That's the perfect ending. Fucking crazy.

Wow. Did you ever get your phone back? No. I called the place the next day, and I was like, I better just drop this. Because I don't want them knowing that much about me. Hey. So this is weird. But I was the guy screaming the N-word.

Wondering, just wondering if you found my phone anywhere. No? Samsung Galaxy One? No? Nothing. Lots of important white power contacts in that phone. I need back. Guys all over the South.

Come on. I don't know if the revolution is going to make it without me. The Grand Wizard changes his phone number like every month, you guys. I got to get in touch with him. Isn't that weird how they have Dungeons and Dragons titles for the Ku Klux Klan? The dragons and wizards? Yeah. That's funny.

I'm a grand wizard. Yeah. I elevated from Imperial Elf. I can do magic. I have a four-level flaming sword. Blacking out, out is never good. Nothing good ever happens. They're just like, dude, Matt, you blacked out last night.

You remember that? Why do people do that? I don't want to know. I know. Unless you did something horrible that you need to be rectified. But at least they're coming to you shit in your pants, bro. At least they're coming to you with a laugh and a smile, though. It's far worse if it's, you know, you blacked out last night.

Take a seat. We need to talk. We really need to talk. Yeah. But since then, I've stopped drinking liquor, and I adopted a black inner city boy. And I'm showing him, you know, the suburban life. Yeah. Well.

I've turned it all around, guys. Yeah. Yeah. See, that's the thing. It's i've turned it all around guys yeah yeah see that's the thing it's always darkest before the dawn you know right especially with i found jesus that night and wow oh boy you're good are you drunk no is it a black jesus he was ironically why have you seen this jesus show on history channel you heard about this Jesus show? It's popular. It's like that book. People are talking about it. It's called the Holy Bible. People are talking.

Talking about Jesus. No, but everybody's white. Haven't we had that criticism enough over the decades that you don't do that anymore? It's Hollywood, man. Hollywood. Paul Mooney says that Hollywood is crazy. He's right. He is. Paul Mooney. He knows i read paul mooney's book i think he's a idiot i've got

to say that honestly i've got a story about paul mooney too oh really yeah saw him at the bottom of a comedy factory and i'm like i love this guy gave him a standing o before the show yeah he's a we should say for people that don't know he's a comedy legend pretty much he used to write with richard pryor and uh he was on yeah he's on the tank girl what the tank girl yeah remember tank girl yeah paul mooney dated her yeah wow that's what he said in his book man for a guy that hates white people he sure certainly chose a pretty white gal ain't that how it goes though anyway matt what if i did that just threw in like racist comments my segues it's great that's just one man but i'm not a racist or anything matt that's right i'll take it from here the big boy take this one but um so paul mooney was getting off stage yeah i'm going to the bathroom and i see i'm right behind paul mooney and i'm like i

love paul mooney i was i was like mr mooney had a great show and i extended my hand to shake his hand and he was like I ain't gonna shake your hand and he walks away he really hates white people he's the black me did that just destroy your hopes and dreams it was kind of like this guy's real he really doesn't like white I kind of like so you're like I didn't want him to be all like racist I didn't want to be hamming it up after the show it's like Josh and I are authentic white supremacists. Yeah, exactly. Ain't no bullshit. You wouldn't shake my hand.

I thought that was crazy. If you read his book, he's seriously a Christian black supremacist. Yeah, I can see that. No joke. Yeah. And the fact that you called him Mr. Mooney, too. That was super nice. Oh, yeah, man. I love it. Hey, Paul. Wow. I still do. I can see that. No joke. Yeah. And the fact that you called him Mr. Mooney, too, that was super nice. Oh, yeah, man.

I love it. It was like, hey, Paul. I still do. I really. Even more so now that he walks the walk on his racism. Yeah, I don't know if I could like a celebrity once they dashed my dreams across their sidewalk. I had to pee so bad I didn't mind. I was like, that's fine.

You're like, okay, well, I'm still wearing my towel. It works out well because I have to urinate really bad. Your racism worked for my advantage. No big deal. I don't think I've had any run-ins with racist celebrities, I don't think. You? Not that I – oh, yeah, actually I have. Okay.

When I was in BCCC, a predominantly black community college that i went to for years had great experiences there for the most part i enjoyed it um but they had uh the uh the guy from the last poets you know what i'm talking about kind of kind of kind of the original beatnik hip-hop group from the late 60s okay it's kind of ringing a bell when you hear like when you're watching one of those like documentaries about the 60s or whatever you usually hear like uh some some drums going and some like spoken word kind of like it's usually those guys okay anyway i thought it would be cool and the guy was basically a paul mooney um just just like very you know just completely just right just blatantly racist you know what i mean like one of those guys that thinks it's okay to be racist against. But was he still nice?

He's like, no. Hey, white devil. I didn't talk to him personally. I just listened to his speech. Blatantly racist, blatantly homophobic. And there's a few anti-Semitic remarks. He's like, hey, you white devil, faggot, Jew bastard. You want an autograph?

Yes, sir. Please, Mr. Last Poet. I'm going to sell it, you Jew boy. You're going to sell it on eBay, you Jew faggot. All right. Have a good one. Next. He's just super up front with his racism.

No. Oh, that's strange. Yeah, it was weird. But, you know, whatever. Yeah, I said something to the teacher that organized it. She was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was going to be. Right, right. Yeah, I guess it goes that organized it. She was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was going to be. Right, right.

Yeah, I guess it goes both ways when you meet those old crotchety white people. Like, yeah, they're setting their ways. Same goes for the other side, too. I mean, yeah, it is kind of less offensive because, you know, it's not like we face discrimination all the time. It's so tough being a white man in America. If we're going by that criteria that races are superior to each other then go fuck yourself you know like if you think you're inherently superior or that i'm inherently evil then no we're we're not going by that criteria

that's stupid and you can burn in hell paul mooney but the old school guys i mean they they saw some real stuff like the people today that yeah fuck. They didn't experience any of that. Right, yeah. No, it comes, yeah, it probably comes from a real place, you know. Yeah, maybe, but I mean, I think, you know, I've been, I've had bad experiences with other races, but I'm not going to let that, like, shape my worldview. Well, I get it to an extent, but yeah, you should have an evolving opinion. Right. Not you, but black.

You should stay where you're at. You're great. Constructionist era. Yeah. That was the best time. The best time. The best of times. The whitest of times.

Tomato, tomato. All right, Matt, we're going to get to one more thing here. Salty Pirates. Tell me about this. Salty Pirates was an internet TV show that I ran, created, and it was about metal and about comedy. And so I would interview local metal bands and comedians, like only a couple comedians, but I got like Doug Stanhope, Jim Florentine. Wow.

Wow. How'd you land those guys? Because comedians are so cool. Anytime you go to a show, you just go up to them and they're like,hope, Jim Forrentine. Wow. Wow. How'd you land those guys? Cause comedians are so cool. You can just, anytime you go to a show, you just go up to them and they're like, yeah, I'll do whatever.

Wow. The only person that turned me down, Patrice O'Neill. But he said he'd do it. I was just too lazy. And it was like right when I was stopping doing it and Patrice O'Neill, it was a DC improv. And I was like,

Hey man, I have my little camera. I had such a shit set up. This is like nice, man. I had like a little tiny like cyber shot camera, man. I had a little tiny cyber shot camera and $100. And I was like, do you mind doing this interview with me? And I was all excited.

And he was just like, man, I'll do it, but not now. He was testing me. And good for him because he knew I was half into it. Right, right. Yeah. That would have been so cool to get that one. Joey Belladonna from Anthrax said he'd do our show. You should get him.

Yeah, we should. Could I be here if he's here? Yeah, but he said you should come. Let me just invite myself to this major interview. I'm in now, right, guys? Paid my dues. Hello, everybody. It's me, Matt, here for the interview.

So how would it work? You would just go up to them after the show and have your camera and be like, hey, let's talk for a couple minutes. Sometimes, it was back in the days of MySpace, so sometimes I would send them a MySpace message and be like, hey, let's talk for a couple minutes. Sometimes, it was back in the days of MySpace, so sometimes I would send them a MySpace message and be like, hey, could I do this? Everybody said yes. Really?

Yeah, it is strange that that's really all it takes is just asking. Most of the time, with anything in general, getting people on the show or wanting to hop on to a show and stuff, just be like like hey yeah could i do this i mean the worst that could happen is they just say no right yeah so like if you guys took this on the road somehow dude after comedy shows yeah i wouldn't mind doing that i'm thinking about it there's um all the guys use this thing called a zoom or zoom zoom h4 or something like that it's basically like

a portable podcast recorder but it's I think it's like $400. So we'll need to talk about splitting that maybe. We'll fix it in post. We'll fix it in post. To you saying, yes, I'll buy it. Don't worry, it's on me. Yeah, I would like to do that too, like to show up to shows and be like, hey.

You know, like Gary Goldman's in town right now. Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman. No, Gary Goldman. Do you know him? His stand-up. He's a stand-up fella. I don't know him. He toured with Dane Cook on Tourgasm.

Yeah, and I thought he was part of that whole Tourgasm kind of douchey vibe, but he's actually pretty cool. I've heard him on a few podcasts. He seems pretty rad. Yeah. Dane Cook was on You Made It Weird recently. Yeah, he didn't. Yeah, I don't know. He didn't sound too bad.

Yeah. One of those guys I don't want to like, but he seemed all right. How do you feel about Dane Cook, Matt? I was a huge Dane Cook fan. He's one of the guys that got me into comedy, obviously. Really? Larry the Cable Guy and Dane Cook, oddly enough. Wow.

I loved them. Two of the most hated, like, everybody, oh, he's a hack. Yeah. I still think, I mean, he stole from Louis C.K. That sucks. And Larry the Cable Guy is not really redneck. That think i mean he stole from louis ck that sucks and larry the cable guy is not really redneck that sucks but he stole from louis ck dan cook yeah yeah you didn't know he stole his uh like two major bits that were on louis ck's albums the one about like what you name your kid he stole that and then there was another one i think it was about

seeing a car wreck or something or seeing somebody get hit by a car. And they were just very similar. Just blatantly. Yeah. And Louis C.K. didn't really... This was before Louis C.K. was, like, the guy. This is when Dane Cook was pretty much at, like, the height of his powers, too. But Louis, he played it cool. He just didn't say anything. He's just like a...

Didn't they, like, do some sort of meeting on his show or something? Yeah, yeah. They worked... I think they had worked it out before that, and then Louis said, like, let's do it on the show. Right. Yeah. But Dane Cook had some really funny jokes that were his. Yeah. That one retaliation album.

I love that album. Which one is the one about if aliens were just Indians or something like that, like 100-foot-tall Indians. What? Basically, like how we just destroyed all the Native Americans, and then somehow they were from another planet, and then they came back, and they're like 100 feet tall, and just kicked all of our asses. He had some funny stuff. That's like an H.P. Lovecraft book. He had some funny stuff, but yeah, I think I just got tired of all the bravado

and a lot of it. Some of his stuff just wasn't funny. He would just make a face and just twirl around. He'd be like, yeah. That's good. And also, let's be honest, his fans are what did it, I think. He had the most annoying fans. Yeah.

That's often the case. That's cool, though, that you can fly the flag of those guys without apology. Oh, Laker the Cable Guy. I have a picture of me with Jim jim gaffigan and i'm wearing a get her done t-shirt with jim gaffigan yeah on jim gaffigan see this is before i knew that later the cable guy was not cool right and you know um jim gaffigan signs the cd he gave because i bought a cd he signs it hey matt thanks for the gun so he thought it was a redneck right what does this mean?

That's awesome. Apparently Gaffigan and Mike Lee and Black have been conversing on Twitter. What? Just been like joking back and forth. Wow. I don't know why. Are we at our What's Hot on Twitter segment of the show?

Two comedians have been not replying at each other recently. We do it like British news that you hear on NPR. Two comedians recently. Reportedly, Michael Ian Black on Twitter has been saying... That sound just instantly depresses me.

It just reminds me of waking up early in the morning and going to work or something. Yeah, that monotone dude. Today in Sacramento, there monotone news. And the NASDAQ is 40 points. There was a suicide bombing. Secretary Halston has said that they deplore the acts. Moving on to

local news. Stephen King's released a new book. It's all the talk. All the talk. So, before we wrap this thing up, Matt, were all the comedians pretty much cool to you when you had them on your show? Oh, yeah. Was anybody a dick?

But in the best way. Like Bob Levy just trashed me. I used to have a big Amish Muslim-looking beard because I wanted a beard so bad and I couldn't grow the mustache part. So I looked very Amish, and he was just trashing me for being Amish the like, Muslim-looking beard. Uh-huh. Because I wanted a beard so bad, and I couldn't grow the mustache part. So I looked very Amish, and he was just trashing me for being Amish the entire time. Uh-huh. I still go back at that, and it's on YouTube. Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, we'll post them on the website. It's so humiliating, but it's, like, so funny. Like, they were just busting my balls, and it was just funny as shit. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'd rather have that than, like, a boring interview. Like, so how'd you get into comedy? Yeah, I love it. Ball busting have that than a boring interview. So how'd you get into comedy? I love it. Ball busting, that's a sign of love.

It really is. Local guys gotta do more ball busting, I feel like. I feel like everybody's too buddy-buddy these days. Yeah, I agree, you faggots. The ball busting isn't really like, it's more just like talking shit about each other at home. Right, yeah.

It's not like behind closed doors to people's girlfriends's so big a lot of penis is going around on the cell phones these days I've noticed oh yeah yeah some girl just like showed me a collection of penises that she's a match that people have sent her yeah who is this girl? I'm not telling you. Whose penis is this? Is it just penis? You got a face? Dane Cooks. And one of the Viking metal guys.

I bet you can barely tell all three of us apart. No, I can tell. Come on. Believe me, I can tell. That Cottonmouth King tattoo is the best part. You can't tell what it is when it's flaccid, but when I get hard, you can tell. That Cottonmouth Kings tattoo is indistinguishable. The best part is you can't tell what it is when it's flaccid,

but when I get hard, you can really make it out. It's like one of those mad pull-out books. There's a message when I go flaccid. See you in the middle. Some wry political humor on my cock. It was worth it. Absolutely. About Dukakis.

Dukakis. Oh. that's on point there you get like super topical humor kill a joke about willie horton yeah the joke about uh monica lewinsky yeah all right all right matt before we get out of here, let's talk Special Olympics. Oh, okay. Yeah, we've got to talk about this. There's two stories about this. Okay. I don't want to fuck you up with editing, though.

Do you have time? No, absolutely. Well, you have to go, what, at 115, you said? I just couldn't start at 1 o'clock because my grandma says be there at 2. I could be there at 3. Yeah, whatever. She's not going to know. Yeah. Just change the clock.

Be quiet, Grandma. Just make not going to know. Yeah. Just change the clock. Be quiet, Grandma. Just make up some bullshit about daylight savings. There's daylight savings, too, Grandma. Wouldn't that be great if I stay for an extra half hour and my grandma dies? Her last words were, where were you, Matt? And it's all my fault. You said, too, her last words. I had to make dick jokes on the dig sesh, Grandma.

You don't understand. I think she understands. Yeah, she might. But yeah, Matt's brand of humor, of comedy that I've seen can be a little rough, a little scathing sometimes. It's a lot better than it used to be, man. Believe me. Really? It's more evil now, but it used to be just filth.

I used to have all these cumming jokes. I used to have a joke where I was jacking up on rooftops over children and they thought it was a bird. Wow. I was like, they just think it's a bird. Why do you think this is funny? Coming on children. You know if you do that off the Empire State Building,

you can actually kill someone? I found out the hard way. Take that bolt bus, boys. We've got a mission now. I don't have $1.50 to spare. How is the Bolt bus so cheap? Amtrak is like $400. You can take a bus for like 15 cents.

Instead of an engine, they have little Indian children in there. Just moving it along. Stroke! Grandma Stovall has a stroke. Pointing at a stroke! So you have some Special Olympics jokes. Yeah, I have a joke about being a Special Olympics coach.

Saying that I want to be one. It's a bad joke. I didn't do it being a Special Olympics coach. I say that not saying that I want to be one. And it's, you know, it's a bad joke. Like, I didn't do it for a while. It's bad. And then Rob Mayer was like, you got to do this joke, man. It's my favorite joke of yours. So I go to his open mic to do it in front of him because he wants to see it. And so I do the joke.

And it turns and then like the joke does really well with open micers that are there. And then a couple things, a couple like jokes later, there's this table. And I'm like, I shouldn't be trashing Special Olympics coaches. That was wrong of me. And she's like, yes, because that's what we are, you fucking asshole. And there was like four Special Olympics coaches and like three Special Olympians at the table. What? That's like out of a movie.

It was. I was like, how did I say that exactly? It was also a table with a priest, a rabbi, and a minister. And a horse. And a midget. Wow. It was great. And then they were like, I had to go talk to them afterwards.

The Gordana, the girl who runs the bar, she was like, look, I know. They come here every month, and they just want to talk to you. And I was like, yeah, I'll talk to them. It's fine bar. She was like, look, I know they come here every month and they just want to talk to you. And I was like, yeah, I'll talk to them. That's fine. And I was like, what about the joke? Was that offensive to you? I just wanted to know.

And she was like, well, just that you said the word retard. We're trying to get rid of that word retard. I'm like, really? That's what did it? I said way worse shit than that. You can talk about coming all over them but just call them special needs

special needs kids that's all I have been working to take the word retard out of my vocabulary out of your lexicon yeah but it's like a real word

though it's weird they want to get rid of retard I feel like yeah I think just saying it isn't something that's dumb like oh that's retard

it's not like a demographic that can necessarily defend itself. If I call Josh a faggot, he could potentially attack me with a bat. But don't. Just say that I'm a proud homosexual man.

But as a comedian, you guys are both faggots. No, I don't really say faggot either. Black-ass comics, don't you feel like when you watch people, euphemisms, it's just so watered down and shit? Yeah, it can be. You don't want to hear Richard Pryor, like, yo, African-American's crazy up here. Like, I mean, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's always going to be a fine line. Like, you know, I mean, really it comes down to, like, personal choice, personal taste.

Like, there's certain things that I kind of, like, think are, like, I've had jokes where I think they're, like, funny with friends or whatever. Like, kind of race jokes with, like, you know, black friends that think are funny. But then when I do them on stage, people are, like, genuinely disturbed, you know. But, I mean, you know, it all comes down to personal preference. Like, do I want to cross that line or not? Sure. For me, there's certain things that, you know, because I personally just don't want to cause, like, a negative vibe or feel like I'm bullying people at all. Yeah, same thing.

I don't want to have somebody in the crowd like that that and offend them or it's not that bad i gotta say yeah it's totally worth it yeah yeah i don't know i i think of it like if i would i say it's like a friend who had like a slow kid or something like oh did you see two and a half man that show's retarded right just like your kid why would you say that about two and a half men that's really kind of offensive especially because we're gonna have Ashton Kutcher on next week. Is he on that show now? You're thinking of Punk'd. No.

What? Ashton Kutcher's on two and a half men. Yeah, he replaced Charlie Sheen. Oh, wow. I don't know if it's still on. Good for Mike for not knowing that. Yeah. Josh, you're...

I think maybe I heard it. I'm just trying to be cool. Yeah, that's it. I don't watch TV. Is Dorothy still trying to be cool I don't watch TV Is Dorothy still on that show? I've never heard of television Is Urkel still kicking? How's that going?

I don't watch TV One time this girl at work tried to pretend she didn't know who Urkel was For reasons of being cool And my friend played along just to make me look like a jackass. Who is that? You got any cheese on the line? I knew that.

Wasn't there an Urkel dance too? What was Urkel? The Urkel? What was Urkel's dance called? I recently looked it up, actually. And it was one of those things where, you know, the beat comes on and he starts rapping the lyrics to the Urkel and starts doing it. And, you know, everybody kind of looks like, okay, all right, I can do that.

I'm feeling that. And before you know it, the entire rooftop of people is doing the Urkel in unison. I think it was actually real footage. It was a documentary. Oh, say. Did I know that? The Jaleel White story. Got me cheating.

Have mercy. The John Stamos story. On Lifetime. Oh, the Urkel. All right. Give me back my fucking ID. The Matt Stovall story. lifetime. Oh, the Urkel. Alright. Give me back my fucking ID. The Matt Stovall story. You fat-titted fuck. That's the important line.

You fat-titted fuck. That's after the colon, yeah. Me and my friends still laugh about that. Yeah, well, you know what else is after the colon? What? I don't know. I was hoping you'd be able to say some sort of fecal joke there. Sorry. We'll I don't know. I was hoping you'd be able to say some sort of fecal joke.

Oh, sorry. We'll fix it in post. We'll fix it in post. The Josh Kateras. Let's see. Blacking out stories. I remember at New Year's Eve when we were

a couple years ago, you were there. Mike's a sober guy, so he's hanging around with a bunch of drunks. How do you do it? And he's been sober a minute, so it's almost a decade. Yeah. But being around it, isn't that tough?

No, not anymore. No, well, especially it never was at all for me. As far as being tempted or whatever, once I made my decision, I made my decision. It can get annoying sometimes. Yeah, that's what I mean being around drunks, why do you want to do that if you're not even drunk it's fun in small doses

in fact I kind of get offended when I'm left out of that because I can get down with the party aspect but I usually I know when it's like 3 in the morning and everybody's hugging and singing then I'm like okay can I go home and read a new stephen king novel i need to go get um no at new year's a

couple couple years ago right well mike's pretty good at playing along too especially when i'm drunk he's like you should do this i'm like you got it buddy remember the bathroom so on the bathroom door there was a sign that said head and And everybody that walked by, it was a bunch of people at a party I didn't know. And Mike Moran is like, you should ask to say, head, where do they keep the rest of the body? So I kept doing that. And then people weren't paying attention. As I got drunk, I was like, hey, where do you think they keep the rest of the body? Hey, that says head.

Where do you think they keep the rest of the body that was a fun night see nights like that but then there's certain parts that i forget kind of like we were talking about where you fade in and out like maybe you spit chips all over the room it's like i don't remember doing that i don't remember that there's pictures really chips all over me they're like you're a fun drunk though You don't get like Belligerent Yeah Like weird

And they're like You were covering Mel's eyes While she was driving I was like Really? I don't remember that at all I remember Was I driving home with you guys?

I think so But I was in the back seat And I was just covering her eyes But it was mostly When we were like straight away It wasn't while we were like Turning onto like the highway Why wasn't I driving that night

If I was sober I think Mel was sober too Was she? I think I don't know But yeah when we were on straightaway. It wasn't while we were turning onto the highway. Why wasn't I driving that night if I was a sober? I think Mel was sober too. Was she? I think. I don't know. But yeah, we'll end on a light-hearted blackout story.

And you can still see all your videos online. The Salty Pirates is still on YouTube, Matt. Yeah, I'll put it on my... I'll tweet some of them. USA Matt Stove on Twitter. I'll tweet the best ones.

Nice. Because some of them are shit, let's be honest. Sure. Right. But, you know, they make the good ones look great. Exactly. Right. By comparison. That's why we've done almost 70 episodes or something. You think Battery

would have been that brutal if it didn't open with a slow acoustic intro? I love those slow intros to Metallica songs, man. Those are the days I miss. I want an album like that, but matured. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Hmm. Okay. It's like you know what's coming. It's so cool. Uh-huh. You know what he's saying. The calm before the storm, right, guys?

Right. Before the rock and roll thunderstorm. New podcast. Can't have you in without your gang, man. Hey, man. Hey. Apples and oranges. What's the thing you say?

You wouldn't know people were midgets if there weren't regular-sized people. You just think they are regular-sized people. What's the redneck wisdom? The one where you could walk around a problem or something? You can walk three miles around a problem or one mile straight through it, man. All right. We'll end on that positive tip. All right.

Matt, thanks so much for coming on the podcast. Thanks, Matt. It was a lot of fun. On Twitter, you're at, what is it, USA Matt Stovall? USA Matt Stovall. Yes, and we'll hype that in the beginning of the episode as well. Anything else you want to plug? I have absolutely nothing coming up. All right.

All right, that makes it quite easy for us. See Matt Stovall on the street screaming the N-word. Yeah. If you have Matt Stovall's cell phone, get at him on Twitter. At USA Matt Stovall. And return it to him. Because it's been missing. You fat-tittied fucks out there, return his phone.

All right. Thank you so much, Matt. Thanks, Matt. Thanks, guys.