The Digression Sessions - Ep. 73 - Josh & Mike Solo!

Episode Date: May 13, 2013

Farting in the Rain Hola DigHeads! This week we speak to two of our favorite comedians in Baltimore, nay the milky way! That’s right, on this episode Josh and Mike get the distinguished pleasure to speak to stand-up comedians/improv actors, Josh Kuderna and Mike Moran! Josh mostly handles the Mike Moran questions, while Mike focuses more on talking about himself. No, this is not some desperate attempt to scrape together an episode for the week due to a cancelation and inability to find a last-minute replacement; this is a desperate attempt to scrape together an episode due to a cancelation and lazy unwillingness to find a last-minute replacement! Seriously though, this turned out to be a great conversation. We get silly and in-depth and barely quote The Simpsons randomly! We converse about our lives and where we are in the local world of Baltimore comedy . We even argue a little about the potency of the invisible hand of the market for some reason! Thanks everyone for your support! If you get a chance, find us on Stitcher, rate us in iTunes, and perhaps tell a friend or two about the DigSesh. Oh and all of our stand-up and improv performance dates are on the Digression Sessions website. Just scroll down and to the right. Love you!   Thanks, Digheads!! Follow Us – @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast. A Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week there is no guest there's no guest this week? There is no guest this week. No guest it. There is no guest this week on today's program. Just the love between the two co-hosts. How you doing, everybody? I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. How the hell are you?

So we're just going to go solo on this episode, have a nice little chat, plug some stuff, How the hell are you? Fingers crossed for that other thing, though. But up top, if we could plug some shows that we have, you can find all of our dates at digressionsessions.com slash calendar if you want to see Mike and I live doing improv or stand-up. And we have some shows coming up. And you can see us May 17th at the Strand Theater on Charles Street doing some improv and hosting the show. It's going to be an improv and stand-up mashup show. Improv and stand-up collide.

And this time it's personal. What stand-ups are we talking? We are talking Stavros Halkias. Very funny man. Mickey Freeland. Also a very funny man. Mickey Freeland. Awesome. A very funny man. Dorian Gray.

Awesome. A very funny man that dresses like a lady now and again. And Michael Johnson of the hilarious Washington, D.C. based improv team, Sean Michaels. Awesome. He's going to be doing stand-up. He's going to be doing stand-up. Yeah, he's going to be doing stand-up, and then him and Sean are going to be doing their thing as well.

And then we're going to have the Bully Union, Gus, and Pop Six from the Baltimore Improv Group performing, and this is a super fun show. I really enjoy it. It's a really fun way to mesh stand-up and improv. So we have a comedian

will go up for about five to seven minutes and just do their act straight up. And then the improv team will be watching them, and then they do a bunch of scenes influenced by that material. So if the comedian's talking about a fight that they had with their girlfriend, we'll see that. It's art imitating art, basically. Yeah.

Or, yeah, art inspired by art. Right. Yeah. I don't know. So you don't see the scene exactly as the comedian described it. It's just they use it as inspiration. So maybe they'll start with that fight and then end up somewhere crazy. And yeah, it's going to be a super, super fun show.

Always a great time. Great venue. So yeah, that is Friday, May 17th. So please come out to that. And then I'll be doing some improv the day after at the same theater, the Strand Theater, with Gus on May 18th, Saturday, May 18th. Awesome. And at Sean Bolin's, I'll be there doing a quick little guest spot on May 21st

in support of Mike Fonazzo, and we're going to start recording his new album. So that'll be a lot of fun. So come out to that. Nice. Let's see. I will be doing improv with population six also at the strand on May 24th. And I guess that's about all I got right now. Okay.

Okay. Jury duty June the 20th. Uh-huh. You'll be doing a tight five, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Five to 15. Hey, now.

Hey, now. But my troop did get accepted into the Del Close Festival once again. That's right. Yeah. Two years in a row. That's fucking great, man. So we will be in New York June 29th doing improv. That's right. Yeah, two years in a row. That's fucking great, man. So we will be in New York June 29th doing improv. That's awesome.

So any dig heads in New York, go see that. And you can follow us on Twitter. I'm at Better Robot Josh. Mike Moran is at Titties, Titties, Titties. I love me some titties. That's right. That's the bar I'm at right now. I'm skyping in

and he is at Michael Moran 10 the podcast itself is at Dig Sesh Pod and for any past and future episodes go to digressionsessions.com or iTunes and like I said check out our calendar and you can see us live

and it would be great if you could come out to shows and say hi that would be nice that'd be very nice and you never call yeah please would it hurt you to call call your favorite earbuds and uh yeah tell a friend if you like the show and we'd uh we really appreciate it thanks guys thank you so mike what's, what's happening, my man? Hey. Hey, my man. I don't know. Same old thing. Things are rolling along. I think I'm getting comfortable, or at least things are really starting to roll in the kind of life that I want for myself. You know what I mean?

You're starting to shape it? Yeah. The projects that I've taken on, they're becoming less... Thank you. Go ahead. Less chaotic. I'm mad at him.

Tell me more about how your dreams are coming true. The vibe. Oops. What? What is this? Could you focus for a minute? Anyway.

Oh yeah. No, you were telling me that so you're going to start working days at your job. I am. I am. Oh yeah. Are you speaking over me or responding to me? Oh yeah!

A little bit of both. A little bit of both. Yeah, so hopefully I can get out. Well, definitely I'll be able to get out more and do more performance. And yeah, you had a bit of a power move too you told your boss you've been working at the same place for what like three years three four years well yeah

and i worked there for like three years before that too yeah and you took some time off uh-huh so yeah so a good portion i didn't take time off i left i got another job well you know tomato tomato um yeah well it wasn't an intentional power move. I just decided I wanted to find a job where I could work days, and I thought it would be unfair to ask my current job to allow me to do that. Well, I think it shows how much they appreciate you. Yeah. You're like, hey, guys, I'm going to go move on, work days.

The owner says, Mike, no, you just need to stay here. He said, okay. Right. Yeah, yeah. days the owner says mike no you just need to stay here he said okay right yeah yeah um they offered me a deal that would work with with my stand-up career um so uh yeah i thought it was a generous offer and i decided to stay and i politely called the person who just hired me and uh explained to him the situation and he's more than understanding that's awesome yeah yeah because if um it's always nice to to have seniority where you work too because you've been there a while so it's like you're very familiar with everything and now it's because i think i just now um and here's a segue into something that i want to talk about quit pointing at my segue i think i uh i just now put in my 10,000 Malcolm Gladwell hours. Of working?

Yeah, you know how if you do something for 10,000 hours, you become an expert at it? Yeah. So I think I'm just now an outlier. Oh, right. Right, right, right. Because before when I was working there, I was washing dishes for the most part.

I switched to serving kind of like maybe like the last six months or so before I left. Yeah. Because before when I was working there, I was washing dishes for the most part. Yeah. I switched to serving kind of like maybe like the last six months or so before I left. Yeah. So I'm actually to a place where I don't feel completely panicked all the time. Like I can kind of relax even though I'm running around. Right. But you know where everything is. You know how to balance stuff and not get as flustered if you get weeded or overrun. Yeah.

I can handle it. Yeah. Without the anxiety. There's definitely an art to it to be in a gooded or overrun. I can handle it. There's definitely an art to it to be in a good server or line cook. It's a fun job, I think, restaurant work. It can be a pain in the ass, but it's actually a lot of fun. Once you're in that zone where you're like,

go, go, go, go, go, everything's kind of fired up. The moon is a good combination of hard work and fucking around. You can fuck around as long as you're working hard and i appreciate that because i don't want to work somewhere where we fuck around and nothing gets done yeah and that that's we're doing that in my job it was like uh because i'm working in an office and there was um a team that i was working for that was very much um like your

old school type of like government work. Like I send you an email, you respond to the appropriate person and that person will tell me it's like, or you get shot or we'll put you in the pit and dispose of your body. Yeah. And it was just, it just really sucks. Like we can joke around and still get work done. There doesn't have to be this old school way of like,

ah, if you're smiling, you're not working. Yeah. I think to be this old school way of like, ah, if you're smiling, you're not working. Yeah, I think there's kind of a it's kind of an archaic mentality of like the slave driver type of thing. I think they've like proven that people

work better when they're happy and they're, you know, having a good time. It really shouldn't have to have a study for that either. It's like, people work better when they're enjoying themselves. I think if they're having too good of a time, it could be a have to have a study for that either. It's like people work better when they're enjoying. Well, I think if they're if they're having too good of a time, it could be a problem. I definitely work places where people just don't care. No, there has to be a balance and you have to you have to take pride in your work, but also be able to chill the fuck out at the same time.

And I think that has a lot to do with the people that you work with, too. So like I'm on a different team now. It's just a whole different culture where everybody just jokes around the whole time. But you still get shit done. Right. So. So how are you? Good. Good. As we record this, I'm I'm going to be off tomorrow. So that'll be nice. Got Mother's Day coming up. Going to hang out with with the family. Awesome. i'm good man did um did some shows did uh did some improv last weekend which thank you so much for helping out you hosted the show and then you accidentally accidentally showed up the next day to the show right you're performing they're like oh good can you do tech yeah no i i volunteered my services yeah but if you hadn't have been there right there

would have been nobody there to do tech. I'm sure they would have found somebody. It would have been a pain in the ass. Well, Jason was there, right? Yeah, I guess he could have done it. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. But yeah, those shows were a lot of fun and

did the Golden West comedy show and that was awesome. Yeah. That was almost like the perfect comedy show, and that was awesome. Yeah, just feelers. That was almost like the perfect comedy show, wasn't it? Yeah, everything moved along really well. Everybody that performed was so funny, and Mickey was a really good host, even though he was, like, down on himself about it.

But I really feel like that's what the host should be doing at stand-up shows, is, like, you don't have to make three minutes worth of jokes in between commenting like ah mike brought up diapers you know what diapers makes you think of blah blah blah blah blah what do diapers make you think of sex um but but yeah it's just like hey that was that guy isn't he great this next guy's even better here he comes like that that was that was awesome well i don't think you should be telling the audience that one comedian is this guy's a pile of shit if you liked him you're stupid here comes the best thing since sliced bread no no but you know not necessarily that but saying like yeah just setting up the comedians yeah just being like that was awesome give it up

for this guy's next guy coming on stage is great as well and yeah it was uh it was super fun everybody's really funny i love i love doing that room yeah it was a lot of people i know monday night at like 11 and the place is packed yeah i think the way that it works is just um you never know when that show's gonna be it's only the third time they've done it it's not really monthly it's kind of like every month and a half to two months. Yeah. Yeah, it was very cool. Tim Heckle is really funny. Randy Syphax, Stav, Adrian Rodney, Umar, Mickey and his brother Chris. It was awesome.

Yeah, great show. Super fun show. Was that the premiere of the Tim Heckle shuffle? No. Have you seen that before? Yeah, Tim does that a lot. Yeah. Yeah, it was super fun.

So yeah, I'm just looking forward to performing, but also I don't have any shows this weekend and I'm looking forward to just kind of taking it easy. Right. Which would be good. I don't know. But of course, I just started. I've just started doing stand-up. You already need a break.

Yeah, I just need... You're a busy fella. I think it really just comes from like I've just started doing like standard. You already need a break. Yeah, like I just need. I think you're a busy fella. I think it really just comes from working like 40 hours a week too. And like I took an improv workshop last night and it was fun. But I don't know if you found this when you take a workshop, but it seems like there's some contradictory elements to like whoever is teaching, you know what I mean? Contradictory to other stuff that you've learned. Yeah. So like one ethos or method of thought.

There's a lot of overlap, but then there's just some weird stuff. That's why we go to the scientific method when we want real answers. Every expert has a contradictory opinion against another expert. Right. Well, yeah. And I think the thing too is you just need to find as an improviser and your troop you find

what works for you you know right but we were working on that the workshop was on absurd characters and straight characters mm-hmm gay characters it's like your classic vaudeville straight man. You think like, what? What do you say? Who's on first? A bird took my pie. I don't know why.

Well, I came down and it was a moon jay, I think. Get that bird. Get that bird. A radio show welcome to get that bird and yeah there's just a few things like I know it was really tough

it was saying like that the straight man needs to like set everything up and then you have the crazy person like so the straight man will be like oh god damn it Mike you're always peeing your pants and then you have to defend it I know but let's talk about the straight man will be like, God damn it, Mike, you're always peeing your pants. And then you have to defend it. I know, but let's talk about the straight man thing for a minute.

Sorry, if we could move on. And there was just a moment where... So she's kind of saying the straight man is in charge of the scene, basically. And the absurd character can fill in blanks as well. It's not like they're just, you know, like at the behest of the straight man. But the straight man kind of sets the tone. It'd be like if, you know, your uncle was crazy.

He's like, ah, let's get wasted. You're like, oh, sure. Well, maybe later. But let's sit down and eat first. So you're kind of like that dynamic. Right. But there was a scene where. The ego and the id the id yeah yeah microphone almost fell there um so the microphone keeps falling there's a scene where somebody came in and they

they were like kickboxing and she's like i'm gonna kick your tv over and she kicked it quote unquote it. And then the instructor was kind of breaking down the scene afterwards and saying to like, you know, you're in control. She doesn't have to kick that monitor. You can be like, all right, it's a good thing you kicked the air and didn't kick my monitor and be like, I don't know about that. To me, that seems like a little bit of like too much denial, you know? Wait, wait, you're saying that the straight man like contradict right so like the crazy person's like i'm gonna kick your monitor

over like your tv or your computer monitor and then the straight person she was saying is so much in control of this world right say like oh it's a good thing you missed yeah that's that seems kind of denial-ish. I mean, that's kind of taking... It sounds like the character, the crazy character is crazy in a sense that they're going around breaking things, not in the sense that they're seeing things that aren't there. Right, right.

So it's kind of like denying the game. Yeah, exactly. Just a little bit. And overall, it was a good workshop. I just think i was like but um yeah i don't know just feeling just feeling a little run down i think it's yeah so i eventually went to bed at like one last night and then get up around seven go to work yeah and cubicle life can be exhausting even just just sitting there, you're like, uh. Right. What was that?

And, yeah, starting to play some music again. Yeah, everything's really good. I don't know. Just kind of in this state of like, ma. Right, right. Trying to do some more stand-up. And, yeah. Awesome.

Yeah, feeling good about it. And you've got two improv troops going right now. Yeah. Yeah. Bully Union and Gus. We'll both be performing on the 17th. You guys should come out to that. Yeah. But I don't know.

Other than that, just trying to deal with anxiety and stuff as well. Do you have any anxiety of performance or just general anxiety? Both. I get a lot of anxiety when I go to perform but it's it seems to once once I kind of get up there I think the fight or flight kicks in like all right now you're here you you gotta stay in it right so right and then yeah I just I think I have just general anxiety as well of just being just normal life sometimes right's not as bad it's yeah i don't know it's weird it's just yeah focusing on being in the moment versus like ah like this shit i got this thing coming right

and then that and then that and then i have to do this and i of course have to work the next day yeah i've been uh i've been um doing the list thing a lot more recently i'm starting to find that like scheduling yeah and having a list of things to do is helping me a lot. That's kind of anxiety-inducing, thinking about it. Yeah, but it does feel good to cross that shit off. Yeah, and once you kind of... I don't know. So much of my life is just planning, just scheduling.

Right. Yeah, like today, we had a guest that kind kind of dropped out and we tried 17 other people. But it is weird how like there's just there's like sometimes I'm in the zone of I can do whatever needs to be done throughout the day. Yeah. And that's like my happiest place because it's like, you know, just whatever I need to do, I'll just go through it and do it and I'll be fine. Yeah. You know, and then there's other times where uh it's just uh it's painful to do anything and it's like how am i gonna do this for the rest of my life you know what i mean yeah then then yeah you have those days i i have them too where it's just like oh fuck it who cares i got this you know right this kind of sucks but we'll get through it

and then you know the next day like this fucking sucks it's all about like just having a willingness to do whatever needs to be done you know what i mean and like being okay with that yeah but but i can't that willingness is like something that i can't always grasp you know what i mean sometimes it's there sometimes it's not there yeah yeah i it's i think it's a muscle kind of that you have to work on i don't know i don't know if that's true i mean it certainly is to some extent i definitely feel that there's gonna you know it's not a completely um unavoidable that you can't be like mike you're never gonna have a sad day again right you know like uh we we talked about it um maybe last month when you did mug shots and you're like i just wasn't in the mood to perform

right you know and like i i think you can kind of develop that as a muscle. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's definitely true. But it's not a perfect muscle. No. No. I've accepted that sometimes I just don't feel.

It's not a bicep. We're not a perfect muscle. Right. Yeah. Sometimes I just don't have the juice. And I can't always, you know, and it's like i just don't have the juice and i can't always you know and i it's like i don't know i've just i've accepted that in life that i can't always control how i'm gonna feel or how sharp my mind's gonna be yeah i i think that helps too is that you just kind of

let go right you just be in the goddamn moment yeah let go and let god let god take the wheel and get some sex appeal. That's a song I'm working on. How are you feeling about God, Josh? Oh, good. Why, is he here? Did he say something about me? No, he was asking me if he mentioned you.

Do you have a crush on God? No. No, we're just talking. Let's start the podcast over. Let's start from the beginning. Because I just remembered a story that I wanted to tell. We're starting over. To the start

There was How does it start? Okay So my friend Zach He plays in this band Pianos Become the Teeth I was going to have him on the show A while ago

I remember my computer Shit to bed But we've been jamming As of late on Ken Island And we had a little bit of a break when we were jamming. And he was telling us a story about his drummer lives with a guy that works at like a Cold Stone Creamery. He didn't know where, but it's like that type of thing. It's like a chain.

Franchise ice cream place. Yeah. Or it might even be like a small restaurant or something like that. You know, tiny chain place. An ice cream parlor. Yeah, or it might even be like a small restaurant or something like that. Okay. You know, tiny chain place. An ice cream parlor. Could be. That's so weird that we call that a parlor.

Yeah. Why is that a parlor? Nothing else is a parlor. Yeah. Or it's like the old days. Nothing else is a parlor. That's a parlor. When people had parlors in their homes.

What was the parlor? Like the living room? Or is it like a bar? Didn't we talk about this? Or was it a different person? I believe it is the... How dare you confuse me with someone else? You know what? I feel like I was talking to Mike Harris, head of Big, about this.

I think it's the opening, the first room that you walk into. Oh, okay. I think I was there for this conversation. Doesn't it have something to do with like... That's where everybody could go? Where the two sexes and the commingling back when we were segregated?

The retards and the handicaps. The Chinamen. The random animal. The Chinamen. He says, I don't want money. Lost his pacemaker on the bus. He's like, where was it? And he's like, I was sitting next to the Chinaman. Oh, Jasper from Crank Gag.

No, Elmer. Oh, why did I say Jasper? Jasper is the old guy in The Simpsons. Yes. He's going to get worse before he gets better. That's a bad one. That's a bad one. All right, so he works at an ice cream place. Yeah. So this guy's a manager lid. All right. All right. So he works at an ice cream place.

Yeah. So this guy's a manager of that. Right. And they're working. Normal day. Then they see a woman. Young lady. I think she's maybe in her early 20s.

Comes running in. Makes a beeline right for the bath over there. What the fuck? But, you know, stuff like that. In a disturbing way or in a comical way? In a kind of like frantic way. Right. You know, maybe they just figure like, oh, she's got a real emergency, whatever.

20 minutes goes by. They forget that she's even there. Right. She's been in there a long time. And same thing. She comes running out just as she went, like same style as she went running in. That's fun. That's the running in. That's fun. That's the fun part.

That's been the podcast. I'm Josh Kuderna. I mean, I can understand running frantically towards the bathroom, but there isn't a lot of motivation to run frantically away from it afterwards. Let me explain. Unless you really don't want to purchase something. You'll never catch me cold stone creamery one time one time recently i like had to take a dump so bad i just went into like some pizza place and i was like i gotta use your bathroom really bad i'll buy something but please let me use your bathroom right now yeah

and then i came out and i didn't want to buy anything so i just like put some money in their tip shop hey thanks a lot yeah you gave them some money at least. At least. What'd they say? Yeah, they were cool. Thanks for shitting our bathroom up. Yeah, basically. Thank you. Cost you a dollar.

So girl leaves and like, what the hell? And then a few minutes after she's gone, the parlor or whatever starts to smell

really bad. And they're like, what? Oh, Jesus Christ. She probably really shit up that bathroom right um so the manager sends in a girl to the bathroom to see what's going on uh girl goes in she starts to vomit they can hear her she's like vomiting jesus christ what had happened was the girl that ran in there had a miscarriage in the toilet, took a shit, didn't flush, like shit and blood and a dead fetus are in the toilet.

And then this girl sees it and throws up on it. She's sure that it's an actual miscarriage. Well, I mean, this story is like blood. This story is now third hand to me. I'm in urban legend territory. But no, there is definitely I think there's just a lot of blood.

So it's assumed that there is a miscarriage. The way that the girl ran in, there had to be something wrong. Well, what if it was a period or something a period she just had a period in the toilet i think there was i'm you know some type of fetus in a some stage i i'm willing to bet that she had she took the abortion pill and it well it could be but that does happen like uh i mean yeah you kind of just have to wait

for it to come out like right like it that is how it happens so you just have a miscarriage and then right boom it's out of you so i just it's insane to me like the girl's like all right i'll check it out just like dead fetus shit and then this girl and vomit and this girl just vomits on top of everything so who goes so it starts smelling like crazy oh man like the restaurant or parlor is just done for oh my god yeah um so the manager just called the cops he's like i don't know what the fuck he called the cops right right i didn't agree with that either but my my friends was it more because there could be some weird legal thing with somebody yeah yeah i guess that's what he's what his line of thinking but you can't get arrested for a miscarriage it's not like

yeah yeah i don't know i don't know if there's probably some laws with like going into a private place uh you know uninvited necessarily like fucking up their bathroom and i mean you know you can't just go in and start peeing on the walls at a cold stone i know this from experience from a friend right right but no all i'm saying is but this girl didn't go pee all over the walls there was just i don't know if there was shit on the floor if there was blood all over the floor in the toilet, but still, you know,

what she did, the cops to come. So, yeah, I don't know. I might have done the same thing, I guess, because you're just like,

I don't fucking burn the place down. I don't know. What do we do now? Like, that's insane. You get out the wet vac. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Wow. Well, ultimately, who had to clean it up, though? that's the real question um i guess the police the story police wouldn't clean it up the story ended with saying that he called the police and then we kind of just moved on but i was definitely still thinking like right what the fuck do the cops do when they show up to like girl had a miscarriage then she took a dump on it and this girl vomited right where's the police uh-huh uh-huh you know it's a great required i there was an urban legend that my sister told me that i assume was an urban legend because it was like this happened to a friend and like some of the things don't really make any sense but uh i've never heard it repeated anywhere and i love

it it's like okay guy and a girl on a date uh guys like been trying to get this girl to go out with him forever um so the fact that he has a stomach flu on the night of the date does not let him make him call it off. So he goes through it. Put your lips on that thing. Okay. So he goes to... Also, speaking of the microphone. That's the punchline.

There it is. Just kidding. No, he goes to fart, and he accidentally craps himself because he's sick. Okay. So somehow he's able to slip out of the restaurant that they're in because they're in like a mall or something and go to the clothing store next door just real quick and buy an identical or similar pair of pants. There's like a pants-shirt combo.

Right, okay. And he's like, hey, I just want the pants. And so he just like quickly buys it, runs to the bathroom, puts it on, returns to the table. Yeah. Wait, no, that's not what happened. Fuck, I fucked it up.

Did you just reveal the ending? No, but I screwed up the story. We'll fix it in post. Okay, we're back. We're at the store. He goes, I think they're, okay, He goes to the bathroom of the place to change, and there's a window in there. He doesn't know what to do with his pants,

so he just tosses them out the window onto the alley below or whatever, and then he goes to open the bag, and there's only the shirt in there. Oh, okay. So now he's stuck in there with no pants, no underwear. Correct. That's it? That's it. What did he do? I don't know. Call the cops. Tied the shirt around his pants and ran out of the restroom.

The restaurants. Probably did the same thing I did when I had a similar situation. Oh, yeah. When you shit yourself. That's right. Yeah. Still haven't shit myself. Knock on wood. Never.

Nope. Ever. Nope. Whatever. Hey, I'm not I'm not saying it like I'm better than not even when you first switched to vegetarianism. No. I've had some close calls. Right.

But did you Yeah Like Did you know that your brain Actually The way that it works When you see a toilet That's why when you're like Oh my god I almost didn't make it

Because your brain realizes There's a toilet there So it's like starting To let everything go Really So you should not Look at the toilet Yeah

That's what I'm getting at Yeah Yeah Maybe that's what happened To that girl in the cold stone I don't know I don't know. I don't know.

They should have a curtain for the toilet for situations like that. For the toilet? Yeah. Give me a curtain for that toilet. Have you ever, like, had a situation where you're pretty sure you're just going to have to take a dump, like, in front of everybody? What does that mean, in front of everybody? Like, I've been walking through the mall and been like, I don't know. I might have to just, like, sit on a trash can and take a shit. Are you kidding me?

You can't make it to the bathroom that's, like, 50 feet away? I've had situations where I feared that I could not. Jesus Christ. Where I was panicking. Yeah. Yeah. Now, is this before you were eating veggie shakes? What is that

i i don't know i've just in my lifetime i've had situations like that yeah no i i've definitely had emergencies where it's like get the fuck out of my way and you get to the bathroom and then uh sometimes if i take a if it's it's bad enough i'll take all my clothes off you ever do that you ever take a naked poop? Why would you do that? Just because it's so like, oh, my God. What? Why would you take all your clothes off? It mostly happens at home.

I've never done it. I don't think I've ever done it at the mall. Because you're in this state of ecstasy from the release. A mix. Mostly agony. You're like someone who's on ecstasy, like taking your clothes off, running yourself. No, no, no, no. It's more agony where you're just you're like someone who's on ecstasy like taking your clothes off no no no no

it's it's more agony or just like oh why would agony make you want to take your clothes off i don't know i guess it's the same way when you have the flu you just feel achy i've definitely how does feeling achy when you have a flu equates to wanting to take all your clothes off when you take a dump you know you don't want to wear clothes when you have the flu sometimes. Has that ever happened to you? I, uh, yeah. I think generally I actually feel kind of uncomfortable wearing shirts, strangely. Which is not a good thing for a guy with my physique.

But I think that's why I wear black shirts all the time. Yeah, I think the fact that I feel kind of sick all the time. Because black is nothing to you? Is that what you mean? Are we talking people or shirts? I think you know goddamn well what we're talking about, Mike. No, yeah, I know what you mean. When you feel icky,

clothing on your skin is icky. Right, so I think I've just had those situations where you're pooping and you're just like, everything's kind of... I just like everything's kind of. I just use the term icky. Yeah. I know what you mean, though. I'm feeling David icky.

You're just feeling icky all over? You got boo-boos? You've never gotten naked while taking a poop? Would you say. I don't think so. You feel comfortable naked? I mean, maybe if I'm going to take a shower or something. Yeah, I'm very comfortable naked.

Do you sleep naked? No. Okay. Well, maybe I... Well, let's go back to just feeling comfortable naked. So maybe it's one of those really uncomfortable shits where your stomach hurts and it just seems to be going on forever. I don't think I really get that. No? I don't think

I ever have painful shits. I think it's always... Every shit I've ever had has felt great. I'm pretty sure even dire yeah you're you say diarrhea feels good me no no well i mean it doesn't feel good to be sick yeah but when it comes out of your butt the actual act of diarrhea diarrhea when you're in the process of diarrhea when one is engaged in the process of diarrhea. When one is engaged in the act of diarrhea. Exactly. When one becomes a diary. Well, diarrhea.

Diarrhea. I wrote it in my diary. Diarrhea of a young girl. The diary of Anne Frank. Did you ever read Jay's Journal? Like it's some guy. Like I'm passing around his journal. Who the fuck are you talking about?. Did you ever read Jay's Journal? Who? Like it's some guy. Like a pastor out of jail. Who the fuck are you talking about? There's a book called Jay's Journal.

There's another one called Go Ask Alice. I know Go Ask Alice. Yeah. That was fake. The brother, the spiritual brother of that book was Jay's Journal. And that was all like this chick does drugs and she becomes a big whore. Right. She becomes a prostitute.

It was actually, I think there was an actual diary of which like six or seven pages were really used. Right. And then they just used it as propaganda. It was like, this is a real diary of what happens when you use drugs. Right. And there was another one called Jay's Journal that was like the equivalent only. No. The equivalent only.

It was like satanic cults. It was so fucking awesome. It was good? It had the opposite effect. You were like, yeah, it was like satanic cults. It was so fucking awesome. It was good? It had the opposite effect. You were like, yeah, it was rad. It was awesome for a teenage boy. Right. But it was supposed to be bad.

It was supposed to inspire you to go the other way. Right. It inspired me to join a satanic cult. Oh, okay. That's the tattoo. That explains the tattoo. Right. Circling back to me, pooping naked.

Right. Doesn't happen all the time. Okay. But I think if you're just feeling uncomfortable get naked take a naked poop right it feels good yeah um okay i mean i've definitely taken naked poops before usually when like when i'm when i'm killing uh two birds with one stone and and defecating and showering at the same time not at the same time but in the same like if i'm hitting the toilet right before the shower yeah that's that's the

way to do it i don't want to hit a nude you don't want to hit it after yeah it's weird but it is it is also though if you take a big enough poop and you shout you know what's that phenomenon we're like have you noticed like if you take a dump uh it doesn't smell to you yourself unless you leave the room and come back i i okay i can smell it when it's there but it's not as offensive i i know i my my brain and my nose both register like this stinks but i can sit in it because it's mine. I don't think that's quite true. Really? I've never grossed myself out by my own shit. If you have like a

random fart type of thing going on while you're shitting, then that might smell. But if you have like regular shit... No, I smell it. Okay. I can smell my own poop. Have you noticed the phenomenon when you leave the bathroom and come back? It's worse?

I'll give you that it's worse. And sometimes it can have the same effect when you take a shower afterwards. If it's a big enough poop and a short enough shower. My friend Brendan said he farted in the shower once and he almost threw up. Yeah, it does. Water seems to amplify. Well, it's the steam too because

you're farting in the rain too you haven't noticed that farting in the rain farting in the rain i'm farting in the rain no that's actually the next uh jack black movie coming out. Farting in the Rain. Jack Farting and Bob Rain are about to find out that they're not so different. One is a lowly sewage treatment worker. Right. The other is a multi-million dollar in vinegar of toilet seats yeah no i was thinking maybe bob rain would be like a clean energy guy or something what's up charlie and i like just riffed on like a a game called uh uh flush it or something or poop it like a like a children's sports children's board game yeah we just somehow envisioned like a board game. Children's board game? Yeah, we just somehow envisioned

a board game with a plastic toilet in the corner. I was picturing it in the middle. Yeah, it could work. Like a trouble situation. Right, yeah, something like that. Every now and then you get to flush the toilet for some reason. There's a sound effect.

And all the pieces are different colored turds. How much different colored? Like red, yellow. Red? Red poops? Sure. Red poops.

Yellow poops. Yeah. What's up with that? Charlie, I'd lived. Yes, I rolled a two. I get it. Somebody rolls, I don't know Something like

That stinks Right yeah Lots of those puns Yeah My friend Rebecca She found out She was lactose intolerant

Because she kept having Orange poops She went to the doctor And was like Hey what's up with My orange poops Lactose She made herself lactose

She was eating cereal Like four times a day. Really? You can make yourself lactose intolerant? I think so, yeah. It might be a good way to lose weight. Orange poops? Make yourself lactose intolerant. Yeah, could be.

But I mean, she still wanted it because there's a bunch of stuff that you can eat now. It's called like lactate or something like that where you can take a pill and eat a cheesecake or whatever. So what else, Mike? What else you got going on? You're starting your job all over again. You're going to be working during the daytime. Right. I'm getting close. I'm inching

closer to my dream life. Let's go through your dream life. Okay. Let's do it. All right. My dream life by Mike Moran is to basically do comedy writing and music full time. Okay. And just get to do that stuff every day. Have that shit.

And not have to work too. I mean, I'm perfectly fine with having a day job if I need to. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I can handle that. Yeah. But, yeah, that's just kind of my, you know, just being able to make a, and just getting better at those things.

Just getting better. Yeah. Comes through repetition. Podcasting, too, is thrown in there. That counts as comedy. Yeah, I think so. It's that muscle. So, yeah, that comes through the Malcolm Gladwell um 10 000 hours putting the time in also which means that our 10 000th episode

is going to be phenomenal we're going to be so old we're all what are we at now we're at like 72 i think this is 72 i'm only 31 oh really i'm 72 years young and then, I think that's awesome, man, that you're moving towards that. You're going to have the day job so you can focus on doing comedy at night. Right, yeah. I'm fine with being like poor kind of city guy who isn't wealthy but, you know, isn't a, you know, I don't want to also be like the starving artist who has like nowhere to live and is constantly in debt. You live comfortably. Yeah, I'm getting want to also be like the starving artist who has nowhere to live and is constantly in debt. You live comfortably. Yeah, I'm getting closer to that. The biggest sign of comfort that I enjoy or that I notice about myself is I never worry.

When I go to the grocery store, I don't have to be like, maybe I shouldn't get that. I love being able to be like, if I want a fucking sockeye salmon, I'm going to get it. I don't give a fuck. It's two extra dollars. I like that. So is that where you're kind of like, yeah, if I want to order. I've had that for a while because of the jobs that I've taken. And because I've lived a pretty simple life, I haven't had to worry too much about money.

But I also had to do a lot of work that I didn't really want to do necessarily. You know what I mean? Yeah. And just, I don't't know just being able to to work on the the things that i love is just very very important to be in life i think like the emptiest times are like when i'm just not working towards yeah goals that i that i are not even necessarily goals but passions that are truly my passions and that I truly love seeing the results of. You know what I mean?

Like it just feels great to... No, yeah. I have the same thing. If I'm not doing something creatively, and as lame as that sounds, but it really is that way. Like if I'm not doing something creative for a couple days, I just feel really stagnant and I kind of have like this extra energy that I don't know what to do with.

So if it's not like playing music or doing improv or doing a know doing a podcast or something like that it really just drives me nuts yeah but uh i think exercise helps with that oh there was there was something i wanted to tell you earlier um i went to hang out with my dad last weekend and he lives um like at the maryland pennsylvania border and there's some hills up I mean, it's pretty far from the mountains, but it's still kind of a hilly area. And we rode our bikes around because he's big into like bike riding. And it's like, yeah, I'll ride a bike with you.

Have some bonding moments on the bike. It was really nice. And there's all these farms and rolling hills. We passed this one farm and they had a sign like, you know, sometimes people will name their manor. Like it's not a real manor but like you know um so they had this um uh this nice wooden sign that was uh had like a soldering iron and they wrote in it with like calligraphy it was It's like, I certainly would. Would I? Would I ever? I was just like, kudos to you, Woodpecker Knob.

Three slang terms for dick. Right, right. And it was just, it was very nice. That's like in Parkville, there's crackpot liquors. Crackpot and liquor all in one. Right. Yeah. It's like, you got to tip your hat to that type of thing.

It's that ingenuity. I just loved because the sign was so nice. It's idyllic. There's cows and there's flowers. You can see the mountains not too far off in the distance. Welcome to Woodpecker Now! Good!

It would have been even better if it was like Dicks Woodpecker. Harry Dicks Woodpecker. Cocky Johns Woodpecker. Dick Balzac. Harry Dick Balzac. Penis Farm. The next one They just keep getting more blatant

The whole The whole village is like It's just all names are cocks I remember there being like some SNL skit Years ago It was like really like pretentious hoity-toity Like British people Talking about literature or something

Just all like you know Harry Balzac. It's like so juvenile, so funny. Some of that stuff's great though. Just the like goofy but done well. Yeah, there is an art to, you know, even with like intellectual humor, getting, you know, honesty, you know, like getting down to the fact that we still think that things like balls are really funny.

Right. You know what I mean? Like being honest about that. Yeah. It's like Louis C.K. said. What did he say about farts? He's like, you don't have to be smart to think they're funny. But if you don't think they're funny, you're not smart or something like that.

Basically saying like, like, what's not to like about a fart? It's the most juvenile thing, but it comes out of your butt. Already funny. It makes a noise like a horn. And it stinks. On F's podcast, they were talking about just how ridiculous it is that

if there was a god, that he would make shitty smelling air come out of our butts regularly. Like, why would he do that? Why did I just make it so that doesn't happen? Well, even, yeah. Even that, just this shit and piss. Like, humans are pretty goddamn gross.

Yeah. It's always weird, too, when you have to fake it. Like, ooh, I think I have to go to the bathroom. Like, take this monster shit. Yeah. I have to get naked and take a poop. God, it's so great, like, that I don't care about fitting into society for the most part. Must be really stressful.

What do you mean? Like, if I had to, like, hide my shitting from my roommates, you know, or care about what my clothes look like. Yeah. I can imagine. Hiding your shits from your roommates. Guess we just took a big old dump. The mic man. Hey, now.

Those are my roommates. Poop, poop, poop. Poop, poop, poop. All right, Mike. This was fun. It was. This was a good talk. So we're going to have a,

this is a bit of a tease, but we're going to have a big show June 18th at Sean Bolin's. You'll be headlining and you were nice enough to ask me to quote unquote feature.

Yeah. I'm going to try to do my best to do 15 minutes. I don't know if I can do that. You'll do fine. If you can't make 15, it's fine. But, yeah, Mike Turpin's like, just do what you want. Keep it cozy.

That's kind of what he told me, too. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm excited for that show. And, yeah, thanks so much for coming out to the comedy night. Yeah, you did great. Thank you. You did amazing. Thank you.

I felt okay about it. You think it was? I think it was, like, 95% awesome. Thank you. Yeah, I think it was 95% awesome. Thank you. I think it was almost perfect. That 5% chunk where I talk about you not good. I should have said the name of our podcast too.

Mickey's like, I host a podcast and I never said listen to my podcast. Listen to my podcast. Check it out guys. Listen to my good friend Mike and I talk about our poops. And listen to my podcast. Check it out, guys. Listen to my good friend Mike and I talk about our poops. And listen to our podcast. Wasn't someone explaining to us recently that if you put the word sex in the title of your podcast, you'll get a million more downloads?

I've been doing that. I put side boop as one of the tags for our podcast. I don't know. Not put side boop. Really? One of the tags for our podcast. What happened? I don't know. Not too much. Not too much. But, well, thank you everybody for listening. Thanks, everybody. As always.

Hope you had a good time. Follow us on Twitter. This is a fun episode of just Mike and I just kind of chatting. And we'll be back with a guest. In case you didn't pick up on that. We were just incredibly rude to a guest the entire time. All right. Let's bring out Dorian

Gray. How you doing? We're out of time, buddy. Sorry. Sorry. Hold that thought for next time. Jerry Seinfeld. We'll get to you next week, pal. Our apologies to you. And okay. So yeah. And as always, check out Mike online. He's at Michael Moran 10

and you can find his column Baltimore ran on North Baltimore dot patch Online, he's at Michael Moran 10, and you can find his column, Baltimore Ran, on northbaltimore.patch.com. That's correct. And all of our dates are on the website, folks. That's right. DigressionSessions.com slash calendar. All right. We love you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. you