The Digression Sessions - Ep. 74 - Tim Hoeckel !

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

The Comcast Comcast Hola DigHeads! This week we bid a fond farewell to a DigSesh regular and one on Baltimore’s best comedians, Tim Hoeckel. No, he’s not terminally ill, or being deported, or upset about Josh and Mike ‘s blatant plagiarization  of his patented “Tim Hoeckel Shuffle”, he’s just moving to North Carolina for some reason.  On this episode we talk about Tim the hardships of the comedian’s life, Sammy Davis and his relationship with the Church of Satan, and the hardships of pooping at the beach (sand not water). We wish Tim well in his life in the South, where we assume he will be performing exclusively at tent revivals and Waffle Houses. Thanks Tim Hoeckel! Baltimore will truly miss you! And if you’re nasty, can you please subscribe to Digression Sessions in Stitcher, visit us at digressionsessions.com, or maybe leave a positive comment in iTunes. Also, all of Josh and Mike’s stand-up and improv performance dates are in the “Calendar” section of Digression Sessions website (DigressionSessions.com). Just scroll down and to the right. Love you!   Thanks, Digheads!! Follow Us – @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week tim heckle is our guest on this week's program. And it was bittersweet because Tim is one of the funniest people I have ever met. And we've been lucky to have him in Baltimore for a little bit, but he is leaving. He's headed back to Charleston. Back, back, back to Charleston, Charleston. Hey, I'm a white guy. Can you tell? No, seriously, Tim is one of the funniest people I've ever met.

And I'm glad we could get him on the show before he vacates the old line state and heads for the pineapple state, North Carolina. That's what it's called, the pineapple state. And little known fact, that's where all the world's pineapples come from. So you're getting your comedy and education on this intro. And yeah, Tim really is one of the funniest people, man. And I'm glad he sat down with Mike and I. And we had a silly yet serious conversation. Everything from conversations

about pooping on the beach and the script of blank check and having a sword fighting sword fighting having a swordfish fighting ring to um the realities of having comedy as a career and the drawbacks from that and uh how weird it is to actually pursue a career in comedy. And it was great to have Tim's thoughts on that. And if you want more Tim heckle in your life, find him on find him on Facebook. I think he has some videos in YouTube, in YouTube on the YouTubes. And he used to have a Twitter, but it's gone. I don't know. Maybe he's slowly taking himself off the grid. And this was his last peek above ground as he goes underground. He's like Kaiser Sose. My guess is he'll pop his head up and then poof, he'll be gone.

That was my attempt at doing a Kevin Spacey monologue. Usual suspect. they'll be gone that was my attempt at doing a kevin spacey's monologue usual suspect but anyway we love ourselves some tim heckle and if you want to see him you have one more chance baltimore and uh maryland locals if you go to the open mic at the sidebar tavern on monday may 20th that's the day this drops if you're listening mond. Monday, May 20th. Around 8.30. He'll be hosting the open mic one more time. And I'm sure he's going to go for broke. He normally does

when hosting, and he makes it such a fun show. One of the last times I was there, a wrestling match broke out between him and Stavros Halkias, and Stav's shirt came off. So I'm sure, I'm sure this will be a good one.

And they all are. And can't kiss this guy's took us enough. We love ourselves some Tim Heckle and his wife, Lauren, and we're sad to see them go, but glad he could do the show one more time. And if you need some more, some dig head action,

some, some of your favorite earbuds, Michael Moran and I, Josh Kaderna, are performing this week. I will be at Sean Bolin's on Tuesday, and that's in Bel Air. It's a Color Me Funny show. Go to colormefunny.com, colormefunnycomedy.com, and you can get all the info there. It's going to be a free show.

I'm really excited. Actually, no, I'm sorry. It's five bucks, I think. I don't know. Maybe it's free. Check the website. But we will be recording Mike Fonazzo's next CD. That's right.

Dig Sash favorite, Mike Fonazzo. We'll be recording his album, and I'll be doing a few minutes at that show. I'll be at the Arlington Draft House in the Green Room on Thursday doing Ramin Mastabi's show there, a cool cow comedy show. And Friday I'll be at the Strand Theater in Baltimore on Charles Street doing some improv with my troupe, Bully Union. And I love those guys and we always have fun. So come out to that.

Go to bigimprov.org for tickets. And Mike Moran will be there on Saturday performing with his true pop six. And as always, you can find Mike's, uh, very funny articles at, uh, northbaltimore.patch.com. And his column is Balta Moran. And if you want to stay up on all of our dates, go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar. We should have all of our shows for the month of May up there. And we're going to be updating June very soon. And you can follow us on Twitter. I am

at BetterRobotJosh. Mike Moran is at MichaelMoran10. We are, the podcast itself is at DigSeshPod. And if you like the show, please tell a friend. Please give us a rating, a comment on iTunes. Listen to us a rating, a comment on iTunes. Listen to us on Stitcher.

Find us on Facebook. Find us on Vine. We love you guys, seriously. Thanks so much for listening. We really appreciate it. And let's get in the episode with old Tim Bone. Yeah! Yeah. It's, yeah. I mean, you need some equipment, obviously.

Or a friend with equipment. Yeah. Yeah. It's not who you are. You don't necessarily need one, but it helps. Like, oops, hold on. Yeah, I use this to make music it has like some some drum effects that i'll be using you know oh yeah you know you're gonna want you're gonna want to drop in some of those now and again yeah it really isn't a podcast without that stuff yeah

like like uh mike you've been getting some pussy lately? Oh, yeah. See that? See that? Or you could recreate my voice doing that with that machine. Here we go. Here's Mike Moran. Hey, Mike, you been getting some pussy lately? Oh, yeah.

Right now, see, with the machine, we can put that in. We can modulate it. We can write some code, and it comes out just like that. Yep. See that? That's podcasting 101, Tim right that that's that's free that's free right there you want to go to 201 i'm gonna need some credits the actual the actual podcast is just kind of the uh icing on the cake it's kind of yeah it's really it's all about the cork yeah oh cool all right tim pull it up just a little bit all right sorry I don't

knows what I'm doing movies when they say that you can like kill a man by punching him in the nose and his nose like goes well that's the nose bone that was like yeah no that was a part yeah of course it's real that was that was that kill a man by punching him in the nose and his nose goes into the air. Yeah, your nose bone. Is that real? Yeah, of course it's real. That was the changing point in Con Air when Nicolas Cage went to prison because he got in a fight. He's an ex-Marine. Some guy's starting shit with him in a bar.

Once a Marine, always a Marine, Josh. Semper Fi. If you're a Marine, you cannot fight, right? Oh, you have to. No, because you're considered a lethal weapon, right? Right. Is that true? Your fists are weapons.

Right. They are for me. Same if you're a pro boxer. Yeah. Or like poetry for me. Right. I mean, I consider my poetry a lethal weapon. The pen is my sword.

I'm like that song that made everybody kill themselves In Lithuania in the 40s Oh yeah yeah yeah Macarena New York New York Old Mickey Blue Eyes got a lot of blood on his hands Blue Eyes Bloody Hands That's what they say about him That's the name of his autobiography

He doesn't give a shit He blames it on Sammy Davis He does You know Sammy Davis was a member of the Church of Satan? I thought he was Jewish. No shit. Oh, wait. Tomato, tomato, I guess, huh?

You know. As long as you're killing Jesus. Right. No, he joined Anton LaVey's Church of Satan for a while. Really? Oh, yeah. That's so funny, like, to see a crooner in, like, the Church of Satan. Isn't that weird?

Yeah. Yeah. He was all about it. There's pictures of him everywhere. Everywhere. Maybe he's just really drunk. I don't know. I think famous people just get weird about that. About the church of Satan? Or about any

church. Stavros was telling me he opened for this guy Eddie Griffin or something. Oh, I hear Eddie Griffin's nuts. Yeah, and he's all Illuminati but he's not even that famous. He claims to be a member of the Illuminati? Or no, he knows people that are in the Illuminati. I'm writing a column about that right now, actually.

Oh, yeah? The satanic Illuminati. You know, did you get any of those guys for an interview or anything? No, I haven't considered... You're talking about Eddie Griffin from, like, Rush Hour and stuff? Yeah, and from, like, that movie... He's pretty goddamn famous. The Irish... Eddie, you're talking about Eddie Griffin from like Rush Hour and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. And from like the movie. He's pretty goddamn famous.

The Irish. I don't think he would just, I don't think he'd listen to nothing like Josh, but maybe me. Yeah. Now, I hear that Eddie Griffin, he requests a new pair of Jordans for every show that he does. Like that's a part of his rider. Like the comedy club has to provide new shoes for every show. That's hilarious.

Yeah. I would do that, right? Yeah. But not wear them. Just keep them every time. But there would be, like, Sperry top-siders. Yeah. I'd be like, let me get a new pair of...

I need a fresh pair of Keds, bitch. I need a new pair of boat shoes before every show. I need a new pair of those wooden shoes from the Netherlands. Yeah, some clogs. I don't see some clogs. I'm a new pair of those wooden shoes from the Netherlands. Yeah, some clogs. I don't see some clogs. I'm wrecking this fucking green room. No green clogs in the mix. Oh.

Hey, you okay? Yeah. You alright? Yeah, man. You can move that thing a little bit further away. Alright, because you told me to put it up. Yeah, but not... Okay. Maybe a little bit further. Yeah, put it up. Okay, but not okay maybe a little bit further yeah put it up there okay sweet okay a little bit closer this is a segment we called mic adjusting mike moran are you adjusting how you doing you should know how to do this before you get on the stage yeah quit fiddling with the mic stand that's stand up 101 you teach that i teach that class no

one signed up yet it's a damn good class I saw you I'll teach you how to get booked yeah I saw that I saw you deliver some of that class

in Annapolis once yeah well no one seemed to be paying attention no they were especially that woman up front and then when you did

your impression of a sick cat nailed it oh man I forgot about that nah I don't think I can do that come on it's pretty visual sick a sick cat? Nailed it. Oh, man. I forgot about that. Nah, I don't think I can do that. Come on. It's pretty visual. Sick cat.

Sick cat. It's basically me just jumping around on all fours and throwing up. Why are we getting crackly? Yeah, what is that? I just hit the cord. Who brought the crackles? I hit the cord. Which cord?

My cord. Oh, yeah. It was an accident. Don't hit that cord. That's podcasting 101, Tim. Don't hit that chord that's podcasting 101 don't hit that chord is that what it is it was yeah watch this oh shit yeah now it sounds like an old school uh rap it sounds kind of cool like that it's like the intro to a rap album yeah like right like a rap album that white people would listen to, like, on skateboarding videos or something. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. What would that be? De La Soul or something. De La Soul. The Roots, perhaps. The Roots. Stakes is high, man.

Stakes is high. Aaron Carter. For sure. Aaron Carter. Who's that? Backstreet Boys, yeah? That's his little brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I assume he's still, like like 11 years old, right? Yeah. He doesn't age. Yeah, he doesn't. Still kicking, still the fresh rhymes. Now, he's probably 30, but he's like, his market is still 11-year-olds. I wonder what someone like that does in their adulthood.

I think he's pretty heavily into drugs and stuff. Oh, really? I think. I just remember seeing pictures in the checkout line. Does he have any type of music career? Like, Eric Carter, out of control. You know, he shows them with, like, a bong or something. Doesn't sound all that out of control.

Okay, Mike. What, do you go to the Church of Satan with Sammy Davis or something? That's not too much to you? Are we resorting to all callbacks already? This is a good Christian show. Why we resorting to all callbacks already? This is a good Christian show. Why can't you get a nice Christian podcast? Why can't you ever bring home a nice Christian podcast like that Tommy boy down the street?

With his Catholic stuff, you should know. He's always listening to the Christ cast. Yeah, this is a comedy. I told my sister, I was like, yeah, I'm doing this podcast. She was like, is is a comedy. I told my sister. I was like, yeah, I'm doing this podcast. She was like, is it a comedy podcast? It's a Comcast. I was like, all right. You should get Comcast to sponsor it. Wow.

Comcast to Comcast. Yeah. Right? So this is how you know. You can be like, Comcast, you want to put me on your... Yeah. On demand. Yeah.

People could go on demand and be like, I'm so fucking bored. Let me watch a podcast. There are live video podcasts of basically just people talking. It's like Howard Stern. People want the visuals,

even if there's nothing going on. Do you think we should get more naked girls in here than we normally have? I don Do you think we should get more naked girls in here than we normally have? I don't know if we can fit more naked girls in here. Hey, I'm willing to try, right, Tim? I think we can squeeze a few more in. Oh, I heard that. Not the girls that I bring home.

I wouldn't mind squeezing a few in them. Like orgasms. Yeah. Like in their vagina I thought you meant a few fingers I thought you meant like anything Squeeze a few bottles Or a few fingers more

A couple brushes That's a good film A few fingers more A fist full of fingers That's kind of redundant. Redundant man. Redundant man. So, Tim Hackle, your days in Baltimore are numbered, pal.

Have we started? Is it already started now? All of our days in Baltimore are numbered. No, we've been started. Oh, okay. We've done bins. Haven't you ever heard any comedy broadcast that's ever existed? Yeah, can we get serious?

You've definitely already started. We actually started. You already started while you were driving up here. On your bike. On my bicycle. I had to beg my wife to let me ride it here. It's going to be dark when I leave. And she doesn't want someone

to steal the bicycle. I was like a little kid asking his mom to stay up and watch. She's like, as long as you wear your helmet, Timmy. Please, can I please ride my bike there? Before the street the street lights come on come on the guys are podcasting i'm gonna be late i don't want to drive it's nice out yeah mike's probably gonna ride his bike but mike drove yeah didn't you didn't you well speaking of your wife she's stealing you away from baltimore huh what a thief what a thief hey you're a hot commodity i get it hot com no if i was are you a hot com hot concert no hot com three reasons why you're a hot com yeah um i'm a good drawer one and i uh i never make mistakes

too and when i do i always apologize right off the bat that's kind of an extension of two one more One. And I never make mistakes. Two. And when I do, I always apologize right off the bat. That's kind of an extension of two. One more. Okay. And I could eat a bucket of french fries right now. Damn. Wow.

It's a good thing where you happen to be sponsored by a bucket of french fries. That's why I dropped that in. Hey, everybody, if you go to BucketOfFrenchFries.com. A cup of fries, not enough. Go for a bucket. Bucket french fries. That's why I dropped that in. Hey, everybody, if you go to my bucketoffrenchfries.com. A cup of fries, not enough. Go for a bucket of fries. Bucket of fries. If chicken can do it, why can't fries? Huh?

It's true. Huh? Tell me that. Bucket fries battered in fried fries, like in chicken fries. Meta fries. Meta? Yeah. Yeah. The fries that are fried in fries.

Yeah. What is that? Chicken tenders for the thinking man. What does meta mean? Hey, guys. Because people throw that around. Yeah. It became like a cool word to say for a while.

Right. Especially in terms of like comedy. Right. And I would play along with it. I don't know what it was. But I have no idea what it means. Well, no one's going to hear this. So your secret is safe.

Okay. Sweet. It's kind of self-referential. Like or like a layered reality like uh the scream films you know how they're like horror movies but they're fun of yours making fun of your genre kind of like self-awareness or so like if you did a comedy sketch about comedy or something about writing a story or you know you know like when a uh remember remember the other day when randy syphax was doing uh his impression and then he he actually brought in like his the audience's reaction into his impression like oh the audience is not enjoying this

impression like that's kind of meta because it's like self-referential that's that became do you ever see wes craven's new nightmare no okay that's pretty bad was that all about making a horror film yeah they were making a freddie movie and all the actors played the actors right right the directors played themselves it was really boring i'm sure it was yeah i'm not into horror films i can't get into them. I don't like it either. Why do you pay to be scared? Well, I don't really get scared. That's the thing. They don't scare you?

Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit. When I was a kid, probably. Yeah. But I wanted to see them just because I wasn't supposed to see them. So I never saw them. So that's the allure. Which is why you want to see the Illuminati soap bags.

You're not supposed to see them. Not allowed. Not allowed. Same with ghosts. That's the appeal. If they were out on TV and just being like, we're the Illuminati! Then it wouldn't be all that appealing. Coming to NBC this

fall, the Illuminati! It would just be the tea party or whatever. It would just be annoying. It's like when the tea party first started, I was like, oh, there's a thing called the tea party

and they were going to have a party literally in Charleston and have like a rally. Oh, this is cool. What's this all about? The tea party was in Charleston?

Yeah. They were having like a tea party rally on the steps of some building and everyone dressed up and I thought it was like a reenactment.

But then, yeah, this is kind of funny, but now it's not funny anymore. Middle-aged people with tea bags hanging from their hats. building and everyone dressed up and i thought it was like a reenactment but then yeah i was like oh this is kind of funny but now it's not funny anymore middle-aged people with tea bags hanging from their hats no offense to anyone out there listening that well a lot of people that like the comcast are uh tea partiers yeah so that's all right you have a big tea party following yeah big contingent whoa if you notice i I am dressed like a Sasquatch. A Sioux Indian.

Shit. Lakota? Yeah. Lakota Sioux? The Chukotee. Oh, Glow-a? Yeah. Glow-a.

The cockatoo. Hey, Tim. Tim. You ever masturbate while driving? What? Hold on. You ever drive No. What? Hold on. You ever drive while masturbating? Hold on.

Your mic's... Why did your mic cut off? I just can't move. Virginia technical difficulties. IT technical... ITC. ITC technical. Is it ITT tech?

Or is it IT tech? I think it's... I think we're talking three T's, aren't we? Because they always say ITT Tech. ITT Technical. Yeah, it is. It's a triple T. I have no idea what the other one is.

Why don't they just call it I Triple T? I Triple T. That sounds cool. I would have gone there. I'll tell you what it is. I'm a football player. I Triple T, that's my boy right there. But you notice some people, when they shorten those things, it has just as many syllables

as if they hadn't have said it. Like N-A-A-C-P, N-double-A-C-P. I think that's an extra syllable. I guess because if you just say N-A-A-C-P and then you don't get the fact that it's two A's. Yeah, and then it sounds negative. You're like, nah, C-P. Nah, C-P. It's like, I don't like cerebral palsy.

Nah, I don't do that. I don't do that. I don't do that. Shouldn't, in the politically correct world, shouldn't it be N-quadruple-A these days? Wait, what? Shouldn't it be N-A-A-A? National Association for the Advancement of African Americans? Yeah. Peoples?

Yeah, if you really want to advance people, then maybe you should stop calling yourself colored. Everybody else did in the 1950s. Yeah, true that. Maybe that's a meta thing they're doing right they're like yo guys i don't see how that would be meta at all but hey guys let's just keep calling ourselves coloreds yeah and this way we're gonna always need advancement and that'll always be right one over on everybody yeah i guess it is kind of a uh conundrum this is catch 22 that's in the mid advance too far then you don't exist anymore

that's in the minutes of the meeting exactly too far, then you don't exist anymore. That's in the minutes of the meeting. Exactly. They got to keep it like that. If it's just National Association for the Advancements of People. Right. Yeah. All right, dude. You're not a thing anymore. You're just church. Or what if it's like national maintenance of

the current state of colored people? What if it's gotten good enough and they just roll with it? The gradual advancement of colored people. Do you know any black people we could call and talk about this with? Because otherwise I don't feel comfortable

and we're in Hamden and it's not going to happen. There's a couple people that live across the street. That's what I'm saying. I know. Illuminati. Goddamn Illuminati and Obama. I'm tired of them ruining my life. Alright, so Tim, you never

masturbated while driving? No. Not that I know of. What do you mean? If I did, I don't remember it. That's like the trifecta. You're sleep driving and then you masturbate. You sleepwalk and you get in the car. Get a little horny. I was sleepwalkinging I got in the car went for a drive went for a drive real farm stores ended up masturbating yeah wife wouldn't

let me ride the bike no seriously I haven't but um okay I didn't ride either but people have yeah what's the point though what the hell a lot of people have I feel like I feel like Tim you and I are in the minority here I think a lot of people have done I feel like Tim, you and I are in the minority here. I think a lot of people have done this. I know people that have pulled over. Like one guy I used to work with. This guy was weird. He said he got real drunk one night. And then he broke a window with his hand.

And then he drove to park in front of his church that he used to go to as a kid. Wait, so did he break the window of the car? No, just a window. He hit a window with his hand and it broke and his hand was all bloody. Got in his car and parked in front of this church that he went to as a kid and then masturbated and used the blood on his hand as lube in front of the church. And I was like, Jason, stop telling me this because it's so funny I shouldn't have been laughing but it was so funny

I think Sammy Davis Jr. did a similar ritual Hey man and he was a bellman and someone comes and checks in and he's like hello ma'am how you doing and I'm like if you only knew Can I grab your bag? No not that hand

He's high-fiving everybody also yeah a little like rubbing his fingers and people um yeah you can put that cup anywhere mike threw it over my shoulder like you're drunk but um let's keep potting hey josh why'd you ask me that or um just trying to make a conversation yeah well we had umar on the podcast and uh it was doug umar and i and uh umar acted like it was crazy to do that but doug and i had both done it i don't think it's crazy i don't think i've ever done it yeah right i was i was surprised that i haven't had a stick shit for a while.

That's going to be the determining factor. But even when I didn't have a stick, I never did that. And I'm a big masturbator. I'll tell you what, man. I think I've overdone it more than anybody you know. Really? I wouldn't be surprised. I high-five you all the time. In my teenage years.

Not in my 20s, but like I seriously like. I hit a dip. Yeah, I hit like a i would a dip and then back up right you gotta take a break get some perspective dude i would back up to climax when i first started doing it i knew i would i would do it like over and over and over like 20 times in a row all all at once wait wait what yeah yeah like nothing's coming out yeah oh yeah my right yeah just like it does. It's one of the saddest feelings.

You're like, why am I even doing this? For some reason. It's just like addiction, man. Yeah. Well, it's like, why do you watch strange addiction? Episode episode after Mad Men could. But like, it's good. You binge watch that.

Yeah. You binge. You binge. Boink. Yeah. Binge. Boink in yourself. That's what it's. Yeah. Sometimes you just lose. You binge boinking. Yeah. Binge boinking yourself. That's what it's, yeah.

Sometimes you just lose control. Yeah. No, yeah, I've done it. Not in a while. I can't do that anymore. I'll do that now, and then I'll be like, God, I feel bad. Like, I don't feel good. I'm like, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go. Type yourself up to masturbate. This is fun. This is fun. And then I'll go on some,lr, like some stupid porn Tumblr. Yeah. But it's not porn because it's a Tumblr.

That is a funny thing. There's a lot of boobs on Tumblr. Yeah. Good one. And you're like, oh, is that a real amateur? Is that a pro shot? And then it's kind of fun. But then after all that business, I'm like, what a waste of time.

Yeah, it is tough with the porn these days. Because it's like everything I ever fantasized about as an adolescent, I can just type it in and see it. And it's intoxicating at first. But then it's just disgusting after like 10 minutes or so. Well, you start to go down like a hole. You do. I watched some videos of guys doing salvia on YouTube. Yeah.

And it was funny, man. They're really funny. This is funny. These guys are, man. Is that a porn star, salvia? Yeah, probably should be. These guys are doing salvia all day. For three hours, I watched videos of people just dripping salvia. This is horrible. All these people made videos. Some of them are really bad.

They look awful. Did you see the one where the guy jumped out his window no like oh so him and his girlfriend some white trash like were filming themselves and um wait a minute they're white trash filming themselves yeah what they uploaded to youtube the poster they had on their wall was like you know like a dragon or something like it was like the only art in their whole like flying like flying out of a confederate flag and so they do it and like you start going off and the girl just starts like dancing by herself yeah and then the guy gets up on his couch and rips down his blinds

and then just breaks through his window and just jumps out and then it's like a second story window and then and then the girl didn't even see it she's just like oh this kind of sounds she's just in the zone yeah it sounds staged but he actually did it i mean the glass breaks and everything yeah he definitely jumped out a window and then they kind of came to and you can hear him in the outside like what the fuck happened what the hell i can't even understand why you did that. It's really funny. How long does Salvia last when you do it? It's like a few minutes or something.

I think it's like 10 minutes. And it's legal, right? It used to be. You could buy it at the boardwalk. Yeah, I don't know if it still is. That's so weird how some drugs like that just go under the radar. Yeah, I did it once. Not much happened.

I just felt really weighted down. And then on somebody's laptop, they're playing Radiohead. And then the weird equalizer, whatever, screensaver that pops up. I was like, that's pretty cool. That was it. Whoa. Did you get that on tape? Yeah.

Yeah. You guys check it out on YouTube. Equalizer, which is like, you look at that, you're like, this is made for tripping. But then when you're actually tripping, you're like, whatever. I get it. Yeah, that's cool. I feel like there was a time in my teenage years when we would seek out stuff or take a mental note of something that might be cool to look at or watch while you're tripping. Yeah.

We should look at that when we're on acid. Dude, yeah. It's going to be crazy. God damn it, Mike. Tim Tim did you hit your mic again oh that thing's loose spruce is loose is it on yeah this is not gonna be good for your posture this is oh everybody at home enjoyed that visual gag. My mic just went limp, yo. Doctor says I got limp mic. Yeah, if you tighten that piece right there.

That was briefly my DJ name. Limp mic. He played specifically Limp Bizkit. All the time. Is that on? Limp mic. That would be so funny. Can I spell it like microphone too? Limp mic and then would be so funny. Can I spell it like microphone, too?

Limp mic, and then you would only play Limp Bizkit. With a backwards red Yankee hat on and like a puffy black suit. Like a hat from the war. Like a Yankee Civil War hat. No, you goof. A baseball cap. Come on. Quit goofing, dog.

Come on, man. Come on, dog. Don't act like you don't know Fred Durst. I don't really watch TV. He's not a thing anymore. He's a madman. He's a madman. Is he part of the... He is. He's a madman.

Yo! Mohawk airplane! What? That's all I got. You watch Mad Men, right? I did it all for the... I did it all for the luckies. The lucky strike. Lucky strike.

Lucky strike. The luckies. So you can take that lucky and stick it in your mouth. And enjoy it because it's a really nice cigarette. Because it's smooth. And inhale. That's some rich Mad Men humor there. If you don't watch, you don't know.

I don't. I'm a little too good for television, you guys. Well, you shouldn't be because there's some good TV. I know. There is. It's all on the Netflix. I know. Screaming.

Streaming. Do I have to fucking hear another person tell me about how I need to watch some show on Netflix? You haven't seen The Wire, have you? I've only seen the first two, possibly three episodes. So you should move. I tried. You should move. Let me guess.

You don't belong in this city. And I will in the future. Any Duck Dynasty yet? The only one that I've seen all the way through on Netflix is Twin Peaks. I've never seen it. And I got lost like halfway through. Yeah, I tried to watch that. For some reason, I didn't finish it, but I would have.

The first season was pretty banging. It was kind of cool. It got a little weird second. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, I mean, not... Maybe I didn't watch it. Maybe I watched the first season, I thought it was cool, and then I tried to watch the second.

Not so much weird as just kind of lame. Sure. I mean, you know, I like weird. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Did you guys like David Lynch films? Dude. Swim like weird. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Did you guys like David Lynch films?

Swim Peaks? Yo. Yeah. Did he do some really weird stuff? That's all he does is extremely weird stuff. Did he do the Mountain one? No, that's... The Holy Mountain or whatever?

No, that's a Mexican guy. Yeah, that's Mexican. I thought for some reason. Maybe David Lynch commented on it or reviewed it. It's weird. You'd like it. It's about a boat on a mountain, right? No, it's like a bunch of weird vignettes.

It's just like a bunch of weird things all together, like the wall or something. Yeah. El Topo, is that what you're talking about? No, it's Holy Mountain. It's in a trilogy of films, like Santa Sangre and another film. But who made it? Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Yeah, I think you need El Topo too. I didn't really like it. I don't like stuff that's like super, super weird for the sake of being weird. Stuff that I would have thought I should watch on acid when I was a teenager. Right. That is kind of what Holy Mountain is. Oh man, he ripped a fingernail. This is a bad trip, man.

Isn't that what happens? He did do El Topo. David Lynch movies are extremely weird to the point where they don't necessarily make any sense. Mulholland Drive? I've seen that. But they're done in a way that I really appreciate because they're like...

Highbrow weird? They're more... Yeah, well, not even that. I don't know. They make sense in kind of a subconscious kind of way. You know what I mean? Yeah. It seems like they're supposed to be metaphors for larger things, too.

And you're like, oh. Maybe. I don't know. Because what were we just talking about? Mulholland Drive. At the end I was like, oh, it was her the whole time? Okay. Well, that one you can kind of put together like a puzzle.

Right. But some of the other ones I think are more just about emotions and kind of connecting with the audience on kind of a psychological psychological level, you know, instead of just telling a narrative story. Right, right. D. Lynch. You like David Lynch? I don't know. I mean.

You ever masturbate David Lynch while driving? In the car. Yeah. Okay. Oh, just in the car, not while driving. No. You keep it safe. Well, I was watching the DVD.

Just in the driveway. Yeah, I was watching my portable DVD playerd player in the headrest because i was like yo my car's got a dvd player but it's just like a portable dvd player you plug into the lighter yeah taped to the dashboard you have a portable vhs player yeah and i have a cassette player next to it i could bring the vhs wherever i want you have like one of those old like school TVs with the VHS player built into it. It's just duct taped on to where the radio should be. It's pretty cool. And then I have two duct tape onto my seats

in the back of the seats, so it's like they're built into the car. Oh, nice. You have two of those old portable TVs with the antennas. You would bring to school and try to watch. I wouldn't, but somebody would. Yeah. If they were cool and they had bad parents, I guess they could do that.

That was a sign of that was a staple of like the bad kid. Yeah. It's like how do you get your hands on a portable TV? First of all. Yeah. How'd you get that? Because your dad's rich probably. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know who I learned is rich today? of all. How'd you get that? Your dad's rich, probably. You know who I learned's rich today?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Elaine from Seinfeld. She better be rich. No, no, like really rich. Hold on. What do you think her net worth is? She's like Seinfeld rich. I don't know. That's really rich. Give me a number. Just make an offer.

I heard billion come out of Mike's mouth, so I'm going to say at least three billion. That's exactly what it is. Three billion. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? That's what I saw today. She's worth three billion.

Yeah. She grew up in a billionaire family. Yeah. Her dad's like an energy magnet or something like that. Or magnet. I'm glad she made it. I'm glad she made it in the whole comedic acting biz.

She's from Towson, right? She grew up in Towson. I don't know. I just saw her network. She definitely mentioned Towson on Seinfeld once. Oh, really? I think she used to play it more

because she... Remember in Seinfeld she had an Orioles hat on. But she specifically says... No, actually I'm from Towson. I used to play it on Fox 45 like regularly. Interesting. Billionaires lived from Towson. I used to play it on Fox 45, like, regularly. Interesting.

Billionaires lived in Towson? Oh, yeah. Maybe she went to school at Towson? Why does she live, like, in Hampton? I don't know. Because I think she was from, like, California. Hampton Mansion? Maybe.

I don't know. I think she's from Maryland. That's cool. Yeah, no, I think she at least has some connection. Yeah. Or else she wouldn't play the whole Baltimore thing. Yeah, why would she? But I'm pretty sure I've looked it up, and she lived in Towson baltimore yeah why was she but i'm pretty

sure i've looked it up and she lived in towson yeah well yeah and they're saying that uh she made it off of her uh not off of her name or like any of her money or anything it's like hey good for you yeah and they film uh veep in baltimore too a lot of shows anything that's like supposed to be in dc yeah like they did a lot of house of cards stuff here a lot of shows. Anything that's supposed to be in D.C. Yeah, they did a lot of House of Cards stuff here. A lot of it. Die Hard. Veep. Live Free.

Or... Yep. The last... Or you could choose to die hard. Yep, you could do that. Which one are you going to choose? Live Free. Yeah, that's the choice, right?

Or die... I don't know. What does die hard even mean? Like, you can't be... It's hard to kill you? It takes a while. They're just shooting you for hours. I don't know. What does die hard even mean? Like you can't be, it's hard to kill you. It takes a while. They're just shooting you for hours.

Is it like play hard? Sure. Work hard, play hard, die hard. Work hard, die hard. That should be the next one. Work hard, die hard. Work hard, play hard, die hard. Did you know the first Die Hard was originally a sequel to a Frank Sinatra film and it was going to star Frank Sinatra? Yeah, I saw that.

Yeah, legally it had to be offered to him first because of some old contract or something like that. Yeah. I think it was originally going to be, like the book that it's based on is the sequel to the movie that he starred in. Right, right. And that's why I saw legally it had to be offered to him, but at the time he was like 60 years old. But the character was supposed to be that old. But Bruce Willis is 60. Oh, really?

Yeah. In the book, the character is like an old guy who has this history, and he's seeing if he can still take care of business. Confession. Hmm? Never seen any Die Hard movies. What? I'm out of here. I know Bruce Willis is in it.

Yep. I know a couple of them maybe take place Christmas time. Yeah. And some people get knocked off windows and buildings and shit. But I've never seen the movies. Spoiler alert. Listen, I'm just going to tell you, Die Hard's my favorite Christmas movie. Oh, really?

Yeah. It takes place in the Christmas time. What about Die Harder? Die Harder. Is that Christmas? Oh, yeah. For some reason. Yeah, that's the one where he's like, how does this happen to the same son of a bitch twice?

There always has to be some explanation in films like that as to why the character keeps ending up in situations. And their explanation is just for him to be like, wow, what a coincidence. Anyway, on with the story. So Bruce Willis is going to die, though. Like, he's getting old. He was just in Russia. He's quite that old. Well, like, in 20 years, they're going to still be trying to sell Die Hard,

but maybe they should do that. Like, he's dying. It's just drama about him. He's just called dead. Tim, can you flip your mic up? I'm sorry. We're having a bunch of mic problems. Yeah, just flip it all the way up.

That's what my parents said growing up. And Bruce Willis is like, I died hard, you know? And that's the end, and he dies. And it's like, beep, beep. And he's like, I died hard. You know, they kind of attempted something like that with Rocky V,

where he was going to die at the end of the original script. And it tried to be like this gritty drama about life and death. Which one was... You'll sue me for what? That was what I'm like, yeah. He was supposed to have died before that. Personally, I like that. I like that movie, Rocky V.

Because he trains Tommy Gunn, and then he turns on him because he's like, dude, go for the money. And then Rocky's like... Tommy's boxing for money. Originally, Tommy Gunn was supposed to beat him to death that would have been awesome yeah why did they do that huh yeah they could have gotten rid of all that they could have just been like you know what guys rocky's over we're gonna kill him but no they were like let's just keep hanging on in case we want to make eight more of these

freaking movies in 20 years when we want to make rockyboa 30 years later rocky balboa was in my opinion the best sequel in the rocky series wow yeah well they took a lot of stabs you know it was like rocky six right yeah it'll be no fast and furious six uh which is coming out that's insane you know they had six police academy movies What? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? They've just been like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. They came out every year in the 80s. Popping them out. Yeah. Every year there's a new one.

How does that even work? It's like, hey, remember that? Boom. Another one. Go, go, go. I saw Police Academy 6 in the theater. Really? And I was like, I really want to see this.

But I was little. I hadn't seen any other ones, but I thought. Dude, I loved the Police Academy movies growing up. I thought they were hilarious. Yeah, Bobcat. The sound effects guy. They later made a seventh one that went direct to a video called Mission to Moscow that I saw because I loved the old series so much. Wow.

That's funny because the latest Die Hard movie took place in Russia or Moscow or something. Yeah, you know you're jumping the shark when you travel. How does work though like hey we've done all we can do here let's go to russia well are you asking how the newest diehard worked for that because i did see it oh yeah oh so played out too that was like so 1989 yeah yeah nobody gives a fuck about once the guy with like the coffee stain on his head was Gorbachev. Once he was out, no one cared about Russia anymore. Right. China now, man.

Yeah, China's the commies we got to watch out for now, guys. Are they really commies these days? The mission of North Korea. They seem to be trading pretty freely. Oh, I don't know. I don't know any of that. Don't know what communism means. I don't care.

I'm not off it, I don't think. You haven't seen. I'm not off it. I don't think. You haven't seen. I know what it is basically, but if you were like, what's the difference between socialism and communism? I'd be like, I have no idea. Somehow something's different. They're the same thing. I mean, there might be some technical

definition difference. I think socialism has more of a capitalist element to it, I think. No, I'm pretty sure they're exactly the same. Really? I'm fairly certain, yeah. Yeah. Welcome back to Dumb White Guys Discussing Monetary Policy.

Nah, man. I don't know. I think you should put that into a raw fire. I think maybe socialism is the... Put your money in a CD. A CD. I think socialism is like the Marxist philosophy that was initiated, and communism is like the political practice of.

Oh. Okay, cool. Maybe, but I have no idea. Okay. You Googling that right now? Yeah. No, I'm looking at titties. Yeah.

I'm looking at titties yeah i'm looking at look at the titties what kind of titties um communist titties oh man socialist titties they don't exist uh communism philosophy there's no titties in communism that's why they're resulted only only in capitalism yeah that's what capitalism rocks under a fascies will not thrive under a fascist regime. Duh. Why else would everyone like it? Only the free market will allow those breasts to grow. That's the propaganda they were feeding us in the 80s.

Only the free market would allow plastic surgeons to pump up boobs so much, probably, and then make them. So now we don't even care about boobs anymore. This culture. I feel like there's a boob backlash and it's all about butts now because like there is a saturation of the market it's just like the illuminati like you don't care about them right if they're everywhere and then so when everyone got big boobs everyone was like did you think it was weird did you notice when you were a kid like when i was about firm butts. Like when I was a kid, I always thought. I was always fascinated. Firm butts.

I was always fascinated. We like them firm, right, fellas? I was always fascinated with boobs. What were you fascinated by? But then when I started reaching adolescence, butts came into my periphery. And I remember thinking that was kind of strange. You saw a butt out of the corner of your eye. Like, hey, that's a butt. Yeah, no, I didn't realize that was something I was going to be sexually attracted to.

You know what I mean? No, there's definitely been a shift. I used to be all about, definitely would rather have boobs than butts. But now I'm like, I'd rather watch butts. I don't, hey, man. Hey. Hey. They have season three on Netflix.

Man changes. Butts. Butts. The miniseries. Next week. Coming to HBO. Last time on Butts. It's like a show on the O Network.

There's all these shows that try to be like, they're like these trashy new shows. It's like Lisa Ling goes into the world of swingers. And you're like, cool, man. I'll watch this with my wife. Maybe she'll get some ideas. And that'll be cool. And then you see the people who do swing. And you're like, yeah, man. I'll watch this with my wife. Maybe she'll get some ideas. And that'll be cool. And then you see the people who do swing. And you're like, yeah, man.

That's my librarian, man. That was my librarian. Trying to masturbate to, like, those sex documentaries on HBO and stuff when you were a kid. Yeah, that was always a disappointment. I was going to say, that's the perfect time. Why is everyone normal looking? You look like my parents. No, but worse.

Yeah, like, the nudist colonies are just a bunch of old people playing badminton. Why is everyone normal looking? They look like my parents. Worse, yeah. The nudist colonies are just a bunch of old people playing badminton. And you're like, oh! I got nostalgic and watched Red Shoe Diaries on Hulu the other day. Oh, yeah. And it was damn nostalgic. Dave Duchovny's best role. Yeah, I remember thinking that was so strange. He's like a weird narrator.

Yeah, he reads a book about panties or something. It was like, that was so strange. He's like a weird narrator. Yeah, he reads a book about, like, panties or something. And then, like. It was like, they were so funny. Man, God. That was a gold mage, man. Yeah. I never watched it. I just remember it like it would be, like, Mulder in a field reading, like, a sultry diary.

Oh, yeah. I never watched it as a kid either, but I heard of it. Because I've heard of the same kid who brought a TV into school. Also, wouldn't you know it, had Cinemax and watched Red Shoe Diaries because he had bad parents. But he was the coolest kid for a while. Now he's probably in prison. I would have paid to sleep over at his house when I was like 10 years old. How about now?

He probably still lives with his parents in an awesome house with a water slide. He's like a richie rich or something. He's like Richie Rich or something. He's got a slide from his window. It's like Django Unchained in there. Never saw that. He's got a whole plantation full of people. Slides. Water slides.

Full of fun stuff. Did you guys get to see that movie? Wasn't that what that was about? Django Unchained. Two and a half hours. Took place in Moscow. Nipped in a castle. Fun stuff Did you guys Didn't see that movie Wasn't that what That was about Django Unchained Two and a half hours In Moscow Fun In a castle

Fun stuff It was like Yeah Peewee's Playhouse Yeah He got a blank check There were ghosts Started with that

Blank check One million dollars Blank check He was like Blank check Chris LaMartina swears That that's like The best screenplay

Ever written Or something Like that's the screenplay That everybody Kids movies No like Apparently that that's the best screenplay ever written or something. That's the screenplay that everybody... No, apparently it's the perfect screenplay for screenwriting 101. That's what you go to. Citizen Kane, blank check. No, seriously, if you were taking a screenwriting class, I'd probably be like, all right, guys, here's your assignment.

Main character gets a blank check. He can do whatever he wants with it. What does he do? What does he do? What does he do? What does he do? And TV will be co-star. He writes it for a million dollars. The most money in the world.

Which will buy you anything. You can buy anything with a million. Never run out. The real world version of that is most people don't have a million dollars. So like when he gets the check, he writes a million. They're like, ah, this check's no good. Dude, a million. Sorry. A't have a million dollars so like when he gets the check he writes a million they're like ah this check's no good dude a million sorry a check for a million sorry this account only has like 30 000 in it babysat for this guy maybe he put too many zeros on it i don't know he came home late

might be overtime i endorsed it just put just put in like the four thing, like Enron or something. African debt relief. There you go. Forever Recess. Forever Recess. That'd be a good kid show there. Forever Recess. Forever Recess. Bringing the fun back to life. That'd be a good kid show there Forever recess Forever recess

Bringing the fun back to life Yeah I'm high on no sleep Mike calls heroin no sleep So everybody Sleep Till heroin You know Bayer invented heroin?

Who? Bayer Oh you know Bayer invented heroin? Who? Bayer Oh, you know, Bayer was a Nazi company as well What? B-E-H-R B-A-Y-E-R Like Bayer Bayer

What's Bayer? Is it like comforters or something? Bayer is like Isn't it like furniture or something? Yeah Those guys invented heroin? What? Isn't that like furniture? Yeah. Those guys invented heroin? The same people that made my queen size badge. The HVAC company.

They brought you pillows. What are you saying? Luna? That's the thing, man. What do you want to do on heroin? You want to lay the fuck down? They named it heroin because it makes you feel like a hero oh but heroin is start i think but isn't heroin like a lady hero yeah yeah i guess they were so even as a guy those nazis are pretty progressive man yeah man yeah i think uh

volkswagen that's also uh comes from the Nazis. Guess. Remember Guess Jeans, that company? Guess Jeans is Nazi? Yeah, well, their origins. They made all the outfits. IBM was heavily involved with the Nazi party. Yeah, them too. Guess Jeans? Yeah.

Yeah, let me Google this. Also, I looked it up. What part are you affiliated with? Guess. Are those 10 camp jeans you're wearing? Guess. Okay, so... You will never guess.

Circling back to communism and socialism. Communism, definition. Oh, wait. Socialism. Hold on. Communist political part... Political system for communism. No leader directed...

It says directed directly. Directed directly by the people. This has never been actually practiced and has just used a one-party system. Socialism. Multiple parties, but the ruling party usually goes by the name socialist. I think what you're looking at is kind of a possibly smart aleck analysis of... I shouldn't be at smartaleck.com. Is this on Wikipedia or is this like some... It at smartalec.com. Is this on Wikipedia or is this like some...

It's smartalec.com. This sounds like somebody who's actually communist arguing that no system has ever really been communist and that socialism is a farce. Okay, buddy. Chill. People start out and they're like, yo, it's a socialist

revolution, but then they end up being like like, yo, it's a socialist revolution. But then they end up being like Cuba or something. That's always what happens. Pretty much every time. But then communism, socialism, you can be like, oh, maybe that's kind of good. But then communist has such negative. Yeah. According to this definition.

Maybe it's because it has a hard consonant on the beginning. Ka. That's bad. Yeah, commu does not sound as friendly as socio. Sounds like cop. And I'm like, I hate pigs. You know what I mean? Oink, oink, guys. I smell it from here. A lot of people

like to be social. Social butterfly, social networks. Sociopath. Good things. All good things. Socioeconomic downfall. Soda. A lot of good stuff starts with S. Soda pop.

It starts with com. Yeah. Comcast. This podcast. Bringing it back. Comedy, which is lame. Right. Oh, the worst.

The worst. Communion. Church sucks. Yeah. Community, horrible show. The worst. Jesus. Compost.

Never seen it. No, thanks. I'll just throw it out. Smells like poop. Yeah. No. Cosmonaut. Get out of here, Russia. I'll just throw it out. Smells like poop. Cosmonaut? Get out of here, Russia.

Get out of here, Russia. Cosmetology? Cosmopology? Cosby? Major in it? Couldn't get a job? What? I couldn't get a job.

Cotton picking? Yeah, thanks, Obama. Thanks, Obama. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Cops. Yep. Sure. You guys ever watch Yeah. Cops. Yeah. Show.

You guys ever watch it? Cops. Bad boys. Yeah, of course. Remember when that was actually a hit? Do you guys remember that? Like a couple years after. I remember thinking it was really cool when I was a kid.

Yeah. Good theme song, Cops. My friend had the CD single. Yeah. Bad boys. Bad boys. Yeah. Reggae single.

What was the band? Inner Circle. Inner Circle. Yeah, Reggae single. What was the band? Inner Circle. Inner Circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Baja Men. Remember them? Hell yeah. Who let the dogs out?

Yeah. That was their second single. We can address that issue later. What about the Baja Men? What about the Baja Men? We'll worry about how the dogs get up. Baja Man. Tim, you ever poop naked? Well, yeah. I mean, I mean i usually outside of the womb like like i don't take my clothes off on purpose yeah like well yeah sometimes you

accidentally sit on the toilet and your clothes take my pants off but if i happen to not have a shirt on yes like i've pooped at the beach before what on the beach well yeah up the beach where no one was dug a hole pooped and then why did you do that why don't you go in the water you don't want that because that's nasty man somebody contaminated we're gonna have to clean the ocean somebody poops in it everybody out can you this is gonna be a whole process you had a better chance of being seen just in the water you can't fit my opinion, you can't go in the water and just pull your pants down and poop. You can pee. What are you talking about?

What? I don't know. What's that weirdo doing in the water? Is he pooping? I never thought about it. Nobody goes in the water. Everybody out of the water. It's like Jaws.

Everybody runs out. I don't know. It's just how it happened. We couldn't need a bigger boat. It was an emergency situation. I freaked out. So you built a. It's just how it happened. We couldn't need a bigger boat. It was an emergency situation. We freaked out. So you built a castle, dug a moat, pooped in the moat, moved on. You built a castle complete with an actual water boat.

I put my towel over the hole. And I was like, hey, come lay down on this towel. You just laid and pooped. That sounds like an amazing project. America's funny sometimes. So wait, you poop on the beach then you just move on you alone are you like hey guys i'm gonna run up the beach at this particular time i was with um myself and what i was gonna do was i was sleeping in my car at the beach yeah

and my car's in my bathroom in it and what? What are you, poor? It was like... What are you, living in a communist country? It was in the evening time, and there was some families walking their dogs on the beach, and I thought that, I guess, I didn't want to go in the water and poop. I don't know. I didn't want to get wet, I guess. Well, it's nighttime. Was it cold?

It wasn't cold, but the water was cold. Were you scared of sharks? This was in the Outer Bannocks, North Carolina, and it was kind of cold. I had a wetsuit. Were you scared of swordfish? No, no in the outer banks of North Carolina, and it was kind of cold. I had a wetsuit. Were you scared of swordfish? No, no. Wetsuit, that would have been tough to poop in that. And then, so you had, I couldn't, that's probably why.

It's because I didn't want to put my wetsuit on just to poop in it, and then have to, like, rinse it out. That's the best. So I was like, I'll dig a hole, I'll poop. Right. I'll bury it. I'll go sleep in my car. Have you ever thought about trying to go find it and dig it up and see if it's still there?

No. Buried treasure, bro. Let me ask you guys this. Hold on. Hurricane probably washed it away dig it up and see if it's still there? Very treasured. Let me ask you guys. Hold on. Hurricane probably washed it. Just real quick. What'd you wipe with? Nothing.

What? Wow. Luckily, it was. We don't got to get into this. We don't got to get into this. Let's move on. It's all about comedy. Let's talk about something else.

You know what I mean? It's not the tenets of social living communism, am I right? It's a comedy podcast. All right. Go ahead. Do swordfish stab people? No, man. Nobody ever gets, like, stabbed in the ocean by a swordfish?

Maybe on accident, but they don't do it on purpose. They're not malicious beings. Malicious beings. Beings. So, malicious beings sounds like an early 90s hip-hop group. Yeah, technically. Just like a they can stab you though, right? Early 90s hip hop group. Yeah, technically, just like a dolphin could stab you

or just like... No, but a dolphin doesn't have a sword on its face. If it's holding a knife. Yeah, but it's got a bottle nose. It could spear you. Getting battered with a bottle

is different than getting struck with a sword. Right. But what if it's a broken bottle nose? Do they sword fight? No. Samurai swordfishes

are pretty deadly. Yeah. Especially when they kill themselveses are pretty deadly. Yeah. Especially when they kill themselves with hairy carry. They're like, I have messed up swordfish master. Isn't there like a saw-nosed fish, too? Yeah. There's a shark. Yeah, there's a shark that has a saw.

Do the blades move like... Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, I think so. they compete in like the lumberjack games and stuff yeah they were they were flannel when it gets cold grow a nice beard yeah so what's up with a home with a microbrewery you guys into that um I've never had a micro brown thing never actually you know what my uncle makes his own beer i don't even really know what a micro to my opinion is like not just a guy who makes

your own beer but this like like a flux of all these local beers and stuff yeah like a union i know it's like a normal people thing that normal people like like oh we gotta hit a couple micro brews right i'm really so like wine, you know how wine people are like, very nice flavor with the grape and they want to be like wine connoisseurs, but now beer people are trying to be like beer connoisseurs. To me... Real oaky aftertaste.

It's a little weird. Yeah, it's a bit much. It's kind of expensive. I'll take a regular... It's just boring to me. It is kind of boring too. It's like, is that really? Yeah.

But you know, it's each his own. I'm sure I'm into crap that other people think is boring. Like swordfish fights. Do you think we could organize swordfish fights? Sure. Could that be? We'd have to get a hold of a couple of them. I seem to be the only one that really.

Yeah, I got five. It would be amazing that you have an above ground pool. You're just throwing sword. Neighbors are looking over the fence. And you're just playing two swords. When yours loses, you got to put it down. You're like, no. That was my fish, man.

No, not Sammy. You're going to make it through this. No, man, not Sammy. Tommy Gunn beats it to death at the end. You were supposed to win. Oh, boy. And then, hey. Tommy Gunn beats it to death at the end. You were supposed to win. Oh, boy. And then, hey, if yours loses, sell it to the local fishery.

Boom, cut it up. Bada boom, blank check, guys. We got blank check two. That's how blank check two starts. It starts with a swordfish fight in the background. A nasty swordfish ring. A dead swordfish. Well, I ain't got any cash, see, but how's a blank check do for you? Take a check.

Don't mind if I do. 100k. 100 thou! $27. Thank you very much. You got to be really careful to not make any mistakes when you're writing that blank check. You screw it up, it's done. I usually go through like five checks before I get whatever.

I do too. I always sign my name in the wrong spot. I'm like, ah, God damn it. I usually sign Josh's name sometimes. I'll put like a year that's like before Christ. 36 B.C. Ah, shit. Amanda, is today 36 B.C.? Damn it.

Instead of a calendar, you have a stone tablet on the wall. Man, what's the date man Thursday Fuck fuck fuck Is Jesus dead yet Is it BC I am so forgetful Oh my gosh

You know now the politically correct term is Before current era And current era CE and BC era oh whatevs man yeah it's like AD doesn't even mean after death right it means like I'm yeah it's Latin or something like that first they try to take the Christ out of Christmas now they try to take the Christ out of the calendar man damn next thing you, they'll try to take the Christ out of pornography, and I do not want to see that.

Christ, yeah, he's good in porn. Yeah, he's great. Yeah. That's true. True calling. He has a huge resurrection. The biggest. Whoa.

Now we're getting, these are the jokes that People would tell me When I used to tell them That I was like doing comedy Like here's a joke Hey bro Use this one Hey man Why do What is the

What is the one about He's hung like this What is the Why did the women weep When Jesus died Why do women But like Where I was doing it

It's like Hey man Why do chicks love Christ Cause he's hung like This a lot of women. But like, where I was doing it, it's like, hey man, a lot of chicks love Christ because he's hung like this. What does that mean? I'm like, what?

Oh, it means he's got a huge penis. That's a really big one. That's a really big penis. That guy was linked by neighbors. That's actually too big.

Most women would not like that probably if he was hung like that. I know you're the son of God. No, that's too big. That's too much. Most women would be like,

you're a freak. I don't want that. That loincloth does not suggest a member that large. And if he was hung like that. I know you're the son of God. No, that's too big. That's too much. Most people would be like, you're a freak. I don't want that. That loincloth does not suggest a member that large. And if his penis was that big, they would have not killed him. They would have... He would have killed himself

because he would have hated himself. I wonder if there has been... Because he wouldn't have been able to walk. My life is miserable. My penis is as big as my wingspan. His dick has calluses. I can't go anywhere. I can't gouses on it. I can't go anywhere. I can't go to my temple.

I can't buy a nice loincloth. It's always breaking. Freaking ridiculous. I'm knocking over urns. My dick has calluses on it. I can't live like this. I thought it would be cool. My guy friends thought it was funny.

Turns out no one else likes it. No. And my lower back is pretty much done for. Mary Magdalene hates me oh yeah i wonder if there is there like a condition where people just have a gigantic penis like is you know how like people get like uh elephantitis i believe it's called being tim heck heckalism no yeah i think we're all gonna to make the same I was going to use A different name But I was going to Josh Kaderna-ism Right

Syndrome Yeah JKS I believe it's called Umar Khan Syndrome Psych No that's when it's In your body

That's when it's inverted Hey Umar You listening You listening buddy Cause you're going down Monday night Sidebar You're going down

Royal Rumble Royal Rumble You going to tackle him Yeah Well okay Here's the deal You're going down. Monday night, sidebar. You're going down. Royal rumble. Royal rumble. You going to tackle him? Yeah. Okay, here's the deal. It's my last time hosting that. Really? This Monday?

I came last week. I'd like to have a royal rumble. What are we looking at? We're looking at Monday. The 20th. Monday, May 20th. Tim Heckle hosts his last sidebar open mic. So I want to do something funny

Where people that show up to actually try to do Serious time don't get to do that So like Screw them, come on Seriously, you're going to work on your set Because it's only going to be four minutes And everyone's going to be weird So let's

Let's do something fun Last time it was kind of weird It was all comics It was a four minute comedy factory Let's do something fun. Last time it was kind of weird. It was all comics, and yeah, it was a four-minute comedy factory. I understand you want to get your stuff out. You want to have your set heard. But then when you do it, no one laughs. So you're like, well, second guessing it. Maybe I'll try it at High Tops next week, and then no one laughs there.

Okay, you don't have to talk about my joke specifically. No, I just feel like sometimes you're set up high tops is all of our jokes i don't get it that so anyway yeah no uh we could have fun and we could yeah a little match but then the girls might not like we do swordfish fights we could do swordfish fight set up an above ground pool bring in some we could do a roast let's do do a roast. But not for me. For somebody else that doesn't know they're going to do a roast. Like somebody's not even doing stand up. Go in.

Look at this fucker. Somebody that's nice. Somebody that's nice enough to watch an open mic. And then you shit all over it. Because an open mic as a spectator must be awful. Like if you're not involved in comedy, I would never go to just do an open mic. Right. Yeah.

I don't know why people do. I don't realize what's going on they don't know that it's a workshop they're talking i'm like please talk in the back go make noise in the back do that because let me hear you in the back i do not want to see you up front awkwardly silent so yeah but then someone will be like would you shut up in the back? And then it's like, no, actually, just let them go because they're here trying to have a good time. And we didn't give that to them. Yeah, we're lucky that they're here. Yeah. Sorry you got picked in the last half of the show.

Call somebody else. But, well, I mean, it's good for, like, the first five people. You're like, oh, this is still kind of fun. But after, like, you you know after the 15th like yeah oh hey did you hear the you know my like jody arias whatever i mean it doesn't matter if everyone was really funny yeah and you just can't take that many different people of like boom boom boom it's like too many blows to the head right so you're knocked out yeah and it it's kind of a weird vibe too when it's all comedians and you're, so you're knocked out. Yeah, and it's kind of a weird vibe, too, when it's all comedians

and you're pretending like you're not doing bits. It seems artificial. And you know that bit. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, I know what you're doing, guy. So that's tough. But also, you should be able to just get up and just practice being like, whoa, that's when you should practice just goofing around

because you're going to need that. Yes, yes. That's more important, in my opinion, than practicing your you're like you could practice your written bits in the mirror you got to be in the moment yeah but you have to see if people like them yeah but i think after a while just touched your stomach oh just held his belly like he was pregnant almost like ah fuck i'm fat i'm fat this week i think like uh you can tell after a while you can tell if right but it's it's a different thing it's like how many times do you have to try something before you think someone likes them so like yeah you do it once and that's my thing

and then go do it somewhere else right and then if you want to add something to it otherwise yeah i my thing is i try to add like an open mic, depending on how much time, do one bit, and then see if I can make something up on the spot. So you think open mics are more for improv? Not improv, but just being able to do whatever you want and being able to speak loudly and not self-consciously yeah because then when you'll be able to do that like second nature if you're in front of real people and not be self-conscious about right yeah well that's the hardest for me that's the hardest part is being self-conscious about the hardest part for everybody that's not a sociopath right like not just in comedy but in life in anything yeah that's the hardest part of everything that's like why we get unhappy as

adults i think because like when we're kids you're like yeah yeah it is yeah when you become self aware and you're like oh people are judging me right which is what the snuff which is like what comedy is all about which is so weird because like i'll try to pretend like i don't care but you do you know what i mean yeah it hurts and you so if you think you didn't do well yep even if maybe you did yeah who knows it's hard to tell but only you can tell yourself exactly if it went well so even if people laughed i'll be like damn man i shouldn't have done that right so that's all you think about is what you shouldn't have done because yeah then you're grading yourself on an even harder scale like they're not even aware of they're like hey good job you're like fuck you all right right. Very funny.

That's supposed to be funny. At least I don't have shoes like yours. Right. Yeah. So that's what an open mic is good for. Let me ask you guys this. This is what I've been thinking about lately. Titties. Where do... What is the thing...

Do you do a lot of improv-ing in stand-up Tim do you make stuff up on the spot yeah but not on purpose necessarily I think it just happens if it happens so what kind of mindset are you trying to like with improv you kind of learn to not try to be funny you know you kind of just let it flow you don't really think like I could say this and that'll be funny right like do you get to because I'm not anywhere close to that with with stand-up at all you know what i mean right well i think that you shouldn't try if it's not gonna work i don't know how to say that for some people they can just do that right for me sometimes

i can do that and sometimes that's funnier than anything that i wrote down right um a lot of times actually yeah and then that'll lead into me being happy and, like, I can really knock them dead with, like, a closing bit or something. But a lot of times... But then sometimes I'll try to do that and it won't work out, but I'll try to dig myself out of that.

Yeah. Right. Can we talk about your auto bar set? Auto bar. A few weeks ago, the upstairs auto bar. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember, like, a bunch of comedians

before you? There was only one black guy in the audience. And everyone was doing racist stuff. Everybody was doing really overt racist stuff. There wasn't even funny... Not like they were like, I hate blacks, but they were doing racial humor.

And now for my closing bit, I'm going to let it cross on fire. Have a good night, everybody. It was kind of tacky. No offense to anyone that was there, but it was kind of like, it was, okay, beginner racial humor. I don't know how to say that. It was just kind of like stuff that's almost like street joke

kind of stuff. Like, alright, I see what you're doing. Yo mama is so fat. Yeah, more like your mama is so black. Not like that. They're going to play up black people, and there was one. Yeah. More like your mom is so black. No, but it was like. No. Not like that. They're going to play up black people. And there was one black guy. Or Asians. Right.

And then they would look at the. And then it's like. Oh, geez. Yeah. It's like. He's. He's. He yells at us.

You know, like. Yeah. Like, he's really hung. Or he doesn't have a job. You know what I'm talking about. Like that. Kind of like. Yeah.

You're standing. Kind of like. Asians can't drive. And black people. Right. So, Tim goes up. Austrians have weird eyelashes. Yeah.

You know, those classic tropes. Alaskans have funny shoes. Yeah. Eskimos are the worst. They're the worst. Everybody knows that. But Tim goes up and he's kind of commenting. He's like, I make racist jokes all about racism.

He's kind of like pointing to a picture on the wall, making fun of that. He's like, I'm not afraid to say it. I'll say the words. I'll say the words. And I think you didn't say the N-word. I'll say it. Spick. I'll say Spick. And then there was a Latin.

There's a spicy Latina. Okay. There was a Latin American girl. I didn't know. I didn't know that. Yeah, exactly. I was just saying that. I didn't know. I didn't know that. Yeah, exactly. I wasn't, I was just saying, I wasn't saying it because she was. Exactly.

No, you didn't look at it like, I'll say spic. What do you think of that? Stupid? No. Like, she was just like, oh, you can say spic, but you can't say the N word. And Tim handled it so well. He's just like, what do you mean? What does spic mean?

I don't even know. Like, played it like, and then like, but you did kind of Dig a hole a little bit Because the room was like Eww Right but then yeah I forget And then she explained to me What spic was like Semantically or something

She was like Well it's like Spanish Starts with an SP And I was like Oh wow You should teach racism Or something

And then like That broke the tension And then it was like And everyone started laughing Yeah You told her about joining the KKK And then so that was like Kind of an impression.

I think maybe I've seen someone do a bit about like how people will say speak, but they won't say the N word or something. Yeah. And so it was kind of like a joke about how like, you know. You can be fearless, but up to a point. Yeah. And then so then she was. And then she was. That's true, though.

She was like, you know what? That is kind of fucking racist. But if you're not looking at it In like the terms of Us comedians Who are like You know But as a real person She was like

Whoa hold on Yeah That's kind of racist actually And then so that's true But luckily I guess I dug my way out of it Which I think is That's fun to me

Which that Is what I try to do Kind of now Is like Well let's see if I can get in a hole and dig out of it. Right. Cause that'll make it even better. And I think that's amazing too.

Like, that's a real sign of like a real comedian too. Cause like, versus like, I want to be the funniest possible. I want everybody to like me. And you're like, Hey,

let me, let me fuck around. I might get in a pothole here, but I'm going to dig my way out. But you did when you, when you said, when you said when you said like i don't even know that you should teach a class on racism like that that broke all the

tension and then i'd probably energize you too to be like all right now i could do my set not like the crowds on my side and i had a little fun all right let's go yeah like the first the first three minutes were all improv you know what i mean and i think it really helps that you have an improv background too like taking improv classes kind of puts you in the moment. Like, Rory Scovel, I love him. I think he's great, too, because he can do that stuff, like, fuck around on stage because he has that improv background. I think a lot of people can. And that's great if you're, like, at a bar.

But I think it's different if you're in a – like, you can't do that on TV. Maybe you can. I don't know. But if you're, like – Yeah, you have to have – Film on a special. Yeah, no, you couldn't be on TV. Maybe you can. I don't know. Film on a special. You couldn't be on Conan. You'd have to do your... Conan's a spick.

Richter's a spick. I'm out of here. Everybody a spick. I'm out of here. I think that's what's really fun. Comedians are so freaking weird, man. They think they're so important you know and like there's like these like fights between like alternative comedy and like right club comedy yeah shut up such a bonus of like i guess alternative comedy is like right

you can just do whatever you want yeah well and if you do that in a club i don't know i don't know what the definition of like no alternative versus i know what you're saying like like like a alternative room will be somebody that that will support you kind of the whole way and they'll be like all right i'm willing to listen to you i know your references i know like even if you want to do something weird uh they're probably friendlier yeah they're not more of it they're not gonna heckle okay okay you're thinking about it the people i was thinking about that in terms of like the venues oh when i was thinking of alternative i'm thinking of like a bar oh because there's not like a stage and a big right it's more of just like we're gonna slap together a comedy show and you can say all right well these people are here but maybe they paid five bucks i don't know i don't know but i think that's a part of

it because that's going to attract a different audience you know what i mean sometimes depends where it is i think yeah yeah no that's that's part of it the venue so then if you have like the baltimore comedy factory people are going to show up just because it's the baltimore comedy factory and they want to see comedy that night and they're not going to look in to see like who's performing you know what i mean nobody shows up to uh uh nobody has a sign outside of their bar it's just like music tonight they're like i like music that you know it's got to be country music or like there's a bunch of different variations i mean that's what's weird about comedy man like yeah why do people come what i don't know like it's such a weird thing to me because they're like why would you come to a bar during comedy night like but maybe people really want to see it and then i'm like

well you know what yeah maybe there are people out there that do want to come no there's definitely i think there are maybe they're just curious yeah maybe it's like but then you're like fuck man i want this i want this to be a good experience for them right yeah and then you're like please be at a funny show please you know and so like these shows that like autobar like pratt street ale house or like not autobar that's a little different because they have a little younger crowd. Yeah, maybe like Pratt Street Ale House. Yeah, like that. I went there. No, but I went there, and I'm like, I wonder how many people came here because it was comedy

or how many people were like, okay, I'll check it out. And then you're like, they might never do this again. And what are they going to do? Are they going to go home and be like, remember that guy who was like, hey, hey. I've seen him. He's really good. They're like, yeah, I don't know. And then he is good.

You know what I mean? He's really quick on his feet. Yeah. But he just says, I hate whatever. And then whatever the person looks like they are in the audience. But it's such a, I don't know. It's a weird thing. Like, bar comedy shows.

Because they're everywhere. They didn't used to be everywhere, I don't think. Like a Red House Tavern. and in baltimore like it became a comedy became a thing that everyone's doing now so like yeah i feel like even not six seven years ago not everyone there wasn't a every town had a place where you could do like stand-up comedy right but now there is and it's like a viable thing for people to do yeah which is i think is weird because it's not it's like it's really fucking tough yeah very hard i mean so it's like it's cool to say you do it and that's fun as a hobby and like yeah just like i don't know i just feel like people are like well i want to do something yeah and that's i wish there was just like a way to say like to be like I like to do comedy as a hobby.

Yeah. And for people – we've discussed this. And for people to not be like, oh, you're a comedian because like it's not like that. Just because you do it doesn't mean that's what you are. Yeah. And – Well, it's – I don't know. I don't know.

You don't have to be afraid of being like – I think about this shit all the time. Yeah. And. Well, it's it's I don't know. I don't know. You don't have to be afraid to be like all the time. Yeah. But I don't think you have to be afraid to sound too lofty. I mean, you know exactly what you're talking about. But it's a weird thing because with with stand up or improv or just comedy in general to get better at it, you have to take it very seriously. Like, I don't think it can just be a hobby. You know, it can't just be something that you do every couple weeks right because you're not going to get better and that's what sucks though is like you don't have to be good so i think that this is where like the dichotomy is

okay i don't want to think that anyone has to be awesome at anything if you like to do it yeah well if you have fun doing it the problem is with something like comedy is that most people who do it really want to do it and they want it to be their thing. And so like, but who, but you can't, there's no coach. There's nobody to say, Hey girl, Hey guy, like it probably ain't going to happen. Yeah. Because if you say that you're a dick, you know what I mean? Well, and still go still have fun.

Yeah. So like, please do it. Have it have great time yeah but what if somebody doesn't laugh are you gonna get depressed what if you know if some people do laugh are you gonna think now's the time that i need to start making money yeah and so and that's why it's a weird yeah there isn't a lot of like books on how to go about it all like with improv there's so much stuff yeah like there's classes there's comedy there's there's stand-up classes too which also is weird right that's actually how anthony jeselnik started so it's like you're not a bad thing stand-up classes just like improv i mean improv classes i guess you need to get everyone together because you need a group to

yeah yeah and but you can basically become good improvisers with someone that you just because you really know them yes i don't need to know the rules that's what makes being a really good that's the most important thing about improv yeah if you have a rapport and a vibe with somebody then you're gonna you can know every rule you could have read every truth in comedy you You could have read every improv of your life. You could have read every book that's ever been written. And I'm sure they're good books. And they're written by people who really care about it.

But if you don't know that person next to you necessarily, it could go really badly. And it could be awkward. I think I like improv if I know the person. My friend John. Yeah, John Brennan. We did a thing with him and Thomas. And that was fun. I know those guys.

Yes. And I know that we're not going to like freeze up. Right. And we're not going to be stickler for the rules. And the best part, too, is if somebody does, quote unquote, mess up or something gets weird, everybody jumps on it and makes that the joke. Or you can call it out. It's not a weird vibe if you're like, oh, no, we're supposed to be on Mars,

and you just said we're at Walmart. You know, it becomes a fun thing. And then so the classes, they're a money-making machine for improv people. I mean, it's like, yeah, you want to do improv classes? Yeah. Fucking sign up, man. And that's cool. I mean, it's a great place, you want to do improv classes? Yeah. Fucking sign up, man. And that's cool.

I mean, it's a great place to get to know people, I think. Yeah, that really has been one of the best parts is like getting to know the people that are taking the classes. In an interview, Andy Richter said the best part of improv was getting drunk with everybody after. It's like, yeah, I get it because you're hanging out with like the funniest people. And as you move along, too, you meet like funnier and funnier people that are just quicker and quicker and that's the best part is yeah yeah being with those people and that makes you a better improviser some of the best times that we have like our after practice when you go to the bar and you have a couple beers and like i would not want to be the person waiting on a table full of after a show usually nice people usually improvise i think everybody's making

jokes i think like early on like in our classes we seriously almost got kicked out of a few places yeah like when john and nicolette and i would go out well you know what i'm sure there's a shitload of like rugby teams that have gotten kicked out of places too but they're probably literally smashing stuff so at least yeah improvisers are just calling yeah i mean we're almost we're getting kicked out of stuff we're getting kicked out of places powdered sugar your mom kicked out of places. Powdered sugar. Your mom. You're just being annoying. But at least you're not getting in fights and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. But it is, I mean, you know, it's funny that that's what it takes for other people. But for us, it's just being funny to each other. Yeah. Well, and it's like Lauren, my wife, she hates, doesn't hate improv. But she's like, she really loves to make fun of me. Like anything, because I'll always like remember stuff she says and then I'll bring it back to like use it against her. That's my like a little annoying way of fighting.

And she's always like, yo, improv 101, bring it back, bring it back. And then so that's our thing is bring it back. And then you go zip, zap. She's like, stop bringing it back. Bring it back. And so that's our thing is bring it back. And then he goes zip, zap. She's like, stop bringing it back. You know? And she's like, I fucking hate that shit. No callbacks in this house. I'm not trying to.

It's just how I am. No reincorporation. No callbacks. Anyway, but that's improv. But that's fun. That's a paddling. For stand-up classes, though, to bring it back to that, it's the same thing. You could get good stuff out of that, and it gives you a structure, probably.

I've never taken one. But it gives you like a you have to do this by this certain amount of time, and you have to work on this. Yeah. Deadlines. Deadlines get people moving. Yeah. You've got to learn the rules before you can break them. That's right.

They're expensive. Wait, you've never taken an improv class? I've taken an improv class. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I've never taken an improv class take an improv class oh okay okay but you're never taking like a stand-up yeah yeah me either what about an improv class i'm taking an improv class okay but not a stand level one two and three oh at a theater 99 right and that was because i got on when it was like just growing enough to have a third level and now they have like four levels and then some people don't even make it into like,

so you can see it like improv explosion. Yeah. It's like yoga, man. It's like, no, it really is. Oh,

you, um, Oh, you don't work out, but you do yoga. Oh, okay. Oh,

you don't, you know, you're not a comedian. You're an improv actor. Okay. All right. All right. Like it's,

and same with standup. I don't know. The whole comedy thing is becoming like a, a way to be able to express yourself, all right. All right. And same with stand-up. I don't know. The whole comedy thing is becoming like a way to be able to express yourself, I guess. Do you feel that we're in the middle of a quote-unquote comedy boom? Because all these podcasts I listen to are like, oh, in the late 80s, everybody was doing stand-up. It was a comedy boom. And you hear a lot about that, like the bubble bursting. Oh, I think so.

Yeah, well, I think that it's probably become, maybe it's coming back around. Yeah. Like, I feel like the 80s was like comedy club boom where it was like, were you a comedian? Yeah. I don't know. You had to fit a certain mold.

You had to have like the blazer with the rolled up sleeves. Yeah, I wasn't really into, I don't really know much about that. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It wasn't your prime time of doing comedy. Right.

No, but... Yeah, I guess the comedy... Everyone... Yeah. Everyone who was part of anything calls whatever they did a boom. Right. It always feels like it's a boom while you're doing it. So, if you did comedy in the 80s, yeah, you were part of the comedy boom.

I do really think this has been a Mike Moran boom since the 1981. Right. So, I don't know. It really has been kind of a boom. We're in the midst of a strong Mike Moran boom. I really think we are. But I wasn't. There was a lull for a little bit. It's definitely Mike of a boom. We're in the midst of a strong Mike Moran boom. There's a lull for a little bit. It's definitely Mike Moran boom right now. I hope it lasts.

It's like Chinese astrology. It's like the year of the dog, the tiger, the Mike Moran. We're in the middle of that. Mike Moran right now. But it's not a sitcom boom like it was in the 80s, I think. It's different. I guess this is where this alternative comedy thing comes in.

Well, that's the thing, too. Yeah, there's so many more venues for people to do it. You didn't have that, like, straight stream of, like, hey, come to our comedy club, and then you do this, and then we'll put you on a show or whatever. Yeah, so, I mean, I don't know. It's such a weird, I guess with anything that's, like, that you want to be good at yeah you also want to pretend like hey it's it's an art or something like that there's a weird like thing of take it seriously yeah but also you have to be cool with everybody else doing it yeah and you know you want to be better than people but you have to be cool with knowing that you won't be better than some people.

And then you have to be cool with some people that, I don't know, it's just such a weird balance. I like, I'm into surfing, which is whatever, lame. We can get into that at a different time. But I have been for a long time, and that's such a lifestyle that they sell on people. It's like this surf culture. do hear so there's uh companies like hollister or you will never see someone that like rides a surfboard necessarily wear hollister but they have a whole like line of clothing based on beach california right and then they're selling that vibe all these companies, Quicksilver, Billabong, Volcom, whatever, they all sell this. Roxy. Roxy, no doubt.

And like, but who's wearing the most Roxy shit? Like white trash girls. You know what I mean? People that are in landlocked states. Like some fat white trash girl has like a Roxy tattoo on her lower back. Once I get in that tube, I just feel free. You know what I'm saying? And so there's this and then there's like the competitive nature of like the sport of surfing

mixed same with golf probably too of like right people who are like man i'm just a golf bum i'm not into golf in this contest i kind of see what you're saying like these sports where you're supposed to be by yourself but you're amidst other people that are doing the same thing you're doing so you can't help but compare yourself. Probably, yeah. And there's a part of it that's supposed to not be a money-making entity. It's not supposed to be a competition business. And then there's a part of it that it just is.

That's part of how you make, if you want to make money. I feel like comedy is like that, or any art yeah that so people want to consider surfing like an art they're like it's not a sport man it's spiritual you know you're one with the ocean but then there's people who are like i just want to win contests and make money yeah that's the same type of thing with comedy it's like yeah i don't want to do i just want to like just be cool man i just want to like express my feelings and then people are like fuck that i want to do i just want to like just be cool man i just want to like express my feelings and then people are like fuck that i want to make money man right and then there's a i don't know there's just a weird i want to hump the stool make money dog so you're like part of it's like be nice to everyone part of it's like not everyone should be able to do it because they're not good

enough yeah and for me yep that collides to the point where I don't really want to, like, I can't think about it. Right. Does it just feel, like, gross to you that, like, comedy, like, contests and stuff like that? Right. But then you have to do them to get into it. I know. Everyone does them. And there's a good thing to do because that's how you meet people.

Yeah. And you might win some money. And you could win a thousand bucks or something. Right. And, like, what? Yeah. I just, yeah, I feel like comedy contests is so antithetical. Exactly.

Like, it just happens to be that person's taste. Or it's flawed to the point where this person wins because they brought 13 people with them. And they cheered the loudest when they're like, who do you think was the best at the end of the night? And they're not necessarily the best. They just brought the most people. And that's what the comedy club likes because they got. I mean, that's part of the comedy business. Exactly. Yeah.

But, yeah, that's the gross, like. It is kind of lame, but I'm not like. I understand it. I understand it. But it's a gross aspect of it where you have to kind of play that. Yeah. Like, I don't want to have to do shit like that. But it is like. But it's still a contest. Like contest like right when you just do a regular show yeah don't pretend

like it's not a contest man because you're judging yourself yep and the audience is judging you yeah by who who's laughing it's almost like that's what kind of sucks about open mics too is like i i've had people be like oh that guy sucked it's like yeah it was an open mic everybody sucks don't judge him at the open mic, but people do. In your mind, you could say to yourself, yeah, he did suck. Exactly. But you wouldn't say it out loud. The audience mostly doesn't understand that it's a workshop for comedians.

Oh, at an open mic. Oh, hell no. Yeah, but you should be commending that person for trying new shit. Because I've seen comedians do the same stuff for a year, and then they do it at an open mic. And you're like, eh. You're already doing stuff that you know works you know so anyway as far as comedy goes I think about that stuff too much and so like sometimes I'll be like you know what whatever I don't really care like I'll just do it and have fun but then I'll get like I'll get like a some juices flowing yep and then you're like I want to do I want to like oh man I want to yeah I want to be freaking funnier than that guy well and then and then I'll get some juices flowing. And then you're like, I want to be funnier than that guy.

And then I'll be like, especially if it doesn't happen, I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I don't care. And so I feel like that's lazy on my part. If I don't have what I think is a good show. I did that at Yellow Sign Theater a few months ago. Is this a super comedy? With Blue Mar and Sabs.

I was there one night. And so I didn't think I had a great I wasn't feeling I don't know It didn't go For me I was like out of it I wasn't trying hard enough

Yeah I was like I wasn't into it And Maybe some people laughed But for me I was like fuck That was lazy

It was stupid And I was like You know what? I don't even care Right But then It's just because it went bad Yeah

But if I killed it I would have been like hell yeah i love this shit and so like oh man right well let me ask on that set were you were you improvising a lot of stuff but that's that's a problem with improvising stuff is because you kind of live and die by that sometimes when it doesn't land it doesn't fucking land and then like right well even the jokes i did they didn't um maybe i didn't do the best ones you know what i mean it's like i just didn't do whatever how come you didn't do your best jokes though why would i why would you do that every single time i don't know because you

want to be the best dog don't you exactly that's the thing right that's like the weird thing is like yeah i want to be like okay i'll do what i'll try something out and like i'll just make it funny yeah and it probably was pretty funny right just for, it just didn't hit the bullseye. It just wasn't. But I was like, I've had, since you know what it feels like to do really well. And then when you don't do that every time. Yeah. You're just hard on yourself.

Yeah. No, I'm incredibly hard on myself with all performances. But I also want to be like cool enough to not be. So it's just hard, man. It's just bullshit. It is. I couldn't ever imagine doing that every freaking night and like to have that as your job but you drive you crazy you do got to keep in mind that you are learning from your failures too i mean if you're applying the scientific method

you're seeing what works and what doesn't oh and it's just you know like uh malcolm gladwell uh you know malcolm x gladwell it takes,000 hours to get good at anything So if you're putting in your hours You're putting in your time You're going in front of an audience It's not a total wash You know you're funny And that's cool

The next day I think the immediate afterwards You're like fuck You go in not knowing if you're going to walk out From backstage with a whole fucking room Full of people worshipping you and shaking your hand and telling you how great you are or people awkwardly looking away from you as you walk through right and then if but then it's like what and then the worst is when it's i'd rather know that it was horrible yeah and i could

and i'll be like that was fun like i went to the baltimore comedy factory horrible shows two horrible shows. Bombed. Nobody listened to me. I don't even know if I bombed, but it was just so many people talking. Like, no one was listening. You know what I mean? But I turned that into, fuck it. I'm going to have fun.

So I did, and I walked out of there like, fuck all y'all. I was shaking people's hands. Like, hey, guys, thanks for coming, you know? You're approaching them. They're trying not to make eye contact. Thank you. I'm going to take this situation that I should crawl in a hole and want to be dead.

I'll make it fun for me because I know that this happened. But then when it's an in-between, I feel like that's the worst. And then someone might come up and be like, hey man, good set. Don't lie to me. Don't bullshit me, man. Get was so mediocre so I think that's the worst it's like actually bomb is fun that's actually kind of fun once you realize it's

happening it's like okay well I'll embrace it yeah because then you realize it's not that bad I feel like with improv as long as I'm having fun on stage it's impossible to bomb completely yeah sure yeah as long as I'm confident fun on stage, it's impossible to bomb completely. Yeah. Sure. As long as I'm confident and feeling good. I haven't quite gotten to that point with comedy, with stand-up yet. Well, I think it's harder for a one-liner comic. Because you do some stories and stuff, but with the one-liner stuff, it's harder to be like...

Unless you can really quote- quote unquote, sell it. You have to just be in the moment. But it's a lot harder because, you know, if you're doing like non sequiturs and things like that, it's tougher to be. Yeah, that is harder. But then you could also, it might be easier to tell if it's not going to be your night too. If like you're like do like three or four jokes and nobody laughs and people have laughed at them before. You're like, okay, this ain't going to happen. Yeah. I'll finish up or I'll just get off early you know whatever yeah i think that's something i think that's something that needs to be pushed more is if you're not doing well just get off right yeah and like especially if it's at an open mic yes i'm always telling people like

please if you don't want to, don't use however many minutes. Yeah. If there's no need for it, it's not – it's such a – it's something to be said about if you know you're not doing hot. Just to be like, thanks a lot, guys, and just get off. And people will be like, hell yeah. Hell yeah. I give you credit. Because the crowd likes it because you're a self-aware performer.

You're not just like, all right, man. And then another thing, like, Jesus Christ. You can tell when someone's not doing well and they're trying to. Yes. You're like, one more. One more. But you're not going to get them. No.

It's not going to happen. You're not going to hit the Grand Slam or whatever. No. Yeah. Worst reference. Especially because the vibe has already been sucked out of the room so hard. It's like going to happen. Yeah. You're not going to hit the Grand Slam or whatever. No, yeah. Worst reference. Especially because the vibe has already been sucked out of the room so hard. It's like, yeah, this person is completely turned off. You're like, no, no, no, we can do it.

We can do it. They're like, no, no, no. That's kind of what it's like doing that, I would say. I'd say. I'd say. I'd say. So, but Tim, I guess you're going to keep doing stand-up and comedy, right? Because, I mean, you say you think about this stuff all the time,

and I feel like you do kind of, like, probably battle this stuff in your head of, like, taking it too seriously and then being in the moment, being like, whatever, I do stand-up, I enjoy it. And then thinking about it with, like, a critical mind, but then just being like, whatever. Right. And then also I'm like, well grow grow the hell up man like so then you know and so part of you like yeah time to grow up because like yeah part of me is also like if i want to do it i don't want to be

i want to i want to try really hard like i want to do it the best i can because that's kind of what i was talking about earlier with like, oh, this is my hobby. But if you're going to be good at your hobby, you have to take comedy really fucking seriously. And I want to be good. I don't want to compete against other people, but I have a competitive drive. Against yourself. I think a lot of people have that. But at what point? Not communists.

I'm competitive against the community for the community. Well, COM, that's our competition starts with COM, just like communism. But seriously, I do. And so, like, I want to prove to myself that I'm maybe better than somebody or I'm good. And so, like, that sucks. That's actually a bad thing. Yeah. To a point.

It's good to drive yourself if you really want, if you can commit to it, I think. But. Commit starts with C-O-M as well. So it's all, this is all bullshit. This is all going back to comedy. Yeah. Comedy. Comedy.

Yeah. But is what driving you is kind of like you want to be the best that you can be. Right. Yes. And then it's like, oh, my best is way better than your best. But I feel like the best that i but yes part of me is like and i don't but i don't know if that's what every person should feel no no i don't want it to be like oh but i feel like yeah if i actually did my best

i could be as good as people that are considered really good. And so like. Like Mike Moran levels. Yes. I could be on the M&M level. M squared. My man could be a peanut M&M, right? One of the best. Honorary peanuts.

And that's tough. And that's tough to stop doing that because you're like, oh, well, hmm. And it's tough to say that out loud, too, because you don't want other people. Luckily, no one listens to this. Especially now. We're an hour and a half deep. Yeah, you don't want to be. You can get on all your racist stuff, too, Tim.

You can just be yourself now. No, I like people of all colors and races. But you're better than. And races? Colors and. A race doesn't have to be a color, right? Wait, are you saying coloreds or races? Coloreds?

Colors and races. I like people of all colors. Well, because you could be, like, black. You could also be, like, coffee brown. You know, you could also be, like, cafe latte. But you're still African American. Right. So that's your race, but your color is...

Yeah. And that was the African American version of Murphy Brown was coffee brown, right? Right? By Tyler Perry. Yeah. On TBS. I don't know. I don't want to like... I feel weird going to Charleston and then doing comedy again

because I don't... I feel weird because I don't want to meet people to think that I think that I'm like the man or something like that. But let your performances speak for themselves. You're a very nice guy. You're I think people would think you're an asshole if you acted like an asshole.

If you're on stage just doing your thing and being good, then people would like. But then part of me is also like, fuck, it's just hard. It takes a while, I think, to get out of your like, all right, I lived in I moved to New York because I wanted to be like a comedian. Yeah. Well, that stuff happened and that wasn't going to work. And then that's hard for me to get over now because I feel like if I stayed there, I could be on the track to doing things that I wanted to do. You're still pretty young, Tim. You've got time.

Right, but I've got other stuff I want to do that's more important than being a professional comedian as well. And so that's why it's hard to get that out of your mind because it takes so much commitment too and you kind of do get addicted to that laugh and that adrenaline like you're living by each laugh kind of right and like i um when i was at the comedy factory the comedian and i opened for he the whole time in the green room he was just on a fight he was just in a fight with his girlfriend or whatever yeah about like not being home and like pictures of him with some girls it was godfrey right yeah and it was so fucking awkward i was like this is what it's like this is it you're getting fights with your wife slash girlfriend yeah because they see a picture of you with some girl on like facebook because they tagged you right while you were away yeah in some shitty city trying to

do comedy and it's like oh this is this is it this is the dream is this what it is that's depressing dude yeah well i mean like anything once you do it for a while even if you get famous it becomes like your life i have heard that too yeah it's just because every new level that you get to it's like a new list of complaints like oh i'm not making enough money here. But you're doing really well. And it's probably a better set of problems. Well, that's comedy. It's a shitty dream. Baseball, Major League Baseball, seems awesome to me because you've got a team.

And you've got a dugout you can fuck around in and eat sunflower seeds and shoot tobacco. And you've got Buck Showalter. He's cool. You could do that at comedy, too. You can smack guys in the ass. You really can't, though, because you're by yourself know and so you don't have any i think i would kind of like that though some people would but to me i would like it for a bit but i wouldn't be able to do that for my life yeah so there needs to be some type of camaraderie i feel like yeah that is that

is the best part i i always have like an inner frat boy or something i don't know i like to have people that i think that's i think that's just a human thing. It's not like you want to do keg stands and like... No, I want to do keg stands. I want to do keg stands and put roofies and drinks before I get on stage.

You know what I'm saying? Not frat. Frat has a negative connotation, but if you have a group of friends, it's basically a frat without the Greek letters. And that's kind of what we were saying earlier.

The best part about improv is hanging out with funny people. So when you go to a show, you want to have stand-up friends that you're cracking jokes with and kind of get in the mood and feeling good. And then you get on stage and then you feel good. Versus like, I'm going to show up and get my notebook. And that's what's cool about stand-up and doing bar shows and open mics and stuff. You do have those friends.

And in New York, I made friends and they were cool. And in Baltimore, I have comedy friends and that's fun I look forward to hanging out with people at comedy shows and making fun of other comedians but like in a way that's not mean that's another thing that's my goal is to be able to talk shit about people

but have them know that I'm not serious those are my comedy goals are dig a hole and get out of it And talk shit about people But make it be sarcastic enough The American dream That's my dream

We gotta wrap this up guys I'm fading fast It's quarter after nine I know Sorry People listen in India Sorry listener in India, that you looked up, like, something, and you got here, and you didn't know how to get off of it.

They're just in an internet cafe, like, this is costing me $20 an hour. Blasting, and they're trying hard to turn it down somehow. Pulling wires out of the wall and shit. I'm also sorry that we co-opted your color run thing, powdered color thing. You know what I'm talking about? No. You're talking about like Tang?

There's like an Indian... What's Tang? An Indian... Colored water? I don't know. Tradition. I don't know if it's Hindu. There's like a ceremony where they throw colors.

And now they have 5Ks where you pay like 20 bucks to get a t-shirt and throw color and neon colors at yeah fellow white people yeah it's a religious day but we co-opted it and turn it into a race just like everything else just like coffee brown people yeah it's like oh that's a fun tradition Can we make money off of it? Yeah. Possibly sell shitty T-shirts and shitty backpacks that have the straps. Can we? Can we? All right, Tim. Well, thanks for stopping by, man.

Yeah, it was fun. I'm glad we got to talk about Die Hard because I'd never seen it, but I kind of want to see them now. You really should watch it. It's good. The first one is very good. The first one's an actual good film. And also in my Netflix Instant Queue, Mulholland Drive.

You're going to have to watch that now. Yeah. The first Die Hard was actually kind of a mockery of action films at the time. And it later turned into a standard action film series. Bringing it back to meta. Meta. Yeah. back to meta meta all right thank you tim hey thanks guys this is fun i like talking turns out it's fun to just talk i like talking yeah hey when do you leave

tuesday wednesday wednesday well we're moving our stuff into a truck on monday evening but we're not gonna drive down until damn that's soon it's gonna say we should get you to talk talk again yeah are you ever gonna come back to baltimore to visit yeah my whole my whole family lives here so okay i'll be here can we come down and visit you and charles you better anyone can. Hit me up. We got a beach house. Your wife was telling Amanda and I, it's like, everybody's got to come down. Right. My wife was drunk, and she's very nice, but she's being sincere.

There it is. There it is. There it is. We got Mike, Josh, listener in India. Hit me up, dude. Hit me up. Charleston, yeah. Yo, hashtag Tim Heckle at Facebook.

I don't have Twitter. Yo, catch myag Tim Heckle at Facebook. I don't have Twitter. Catch my man Tim Heckle on LinkedIn. Anybody out there feel like helping someone move on Monday, hit me a shot. I'll give you a Paul Newman's pizza. Frozen pizza. Newman's own. Whoa, that's an expensive frozen pizza. That's like top of the line.

That ain't no Red Baron, bro. You're about to say $6. It's $6.99. $6.99. Are you out of your mind It's $6.99. $6.99. Are you out of your mind? No, I'm not. Paul Newman's dead. How does he make pizzas?

That's why they're so expensive. Because they come from heaven. I'm going to be drinking off Paul Newman whenever I squeeze ranch out of one of those little packets. Whoa. It's coming out of his head. All right. We love you.