The Digression Sessions - Ep. 76 - Brandon Lescure (Color Me Funny)

Episode Date: June 3, 2013

Hola DigHeads! This week we sit and chat with comedian, Brandon Lescure. Brandon is a major force behind the local comedy-team juggernaut, Color Me Funny. The self-proclaimed “glue” of the group, Brandon spends nearly as much time and effort working on CMF’s multiple stand-up shows, bi-weekly web videos, and other things in the works, as Josh and Mike spend thinking about doing things.  We talk with Brandon about his regular life (he’s a mailman), his stand-up career (he does this when not working as a mailman), and his desire to keep his day job as separated as possible from his comedy endeavors (which we understand, I mean he’s a mailman for Christ’s sake).  Seriously this is a great episode; Brandon is a funny and intelligent guy. We even foray into personal ghost tales, crime-fighting encounters, and Mike’s total ignorance of anything going on in the world of comedy. Oh, and we get a DigSesh exclusive as Brandon drops a major announcement about the future of Color Me Funny!So please download us on iTunes, subscribe on Stitcher, and maybe drop us an email or two. All of Josh and Mike’s dates are on the Digression Sessions website as well. Love you guys! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week brandon lescure is our guest on this week's program, and we are happy to have him. He is another one of them Color Me Funny boys, and we are slowly collecting all of them, Mike, like a nice collection of Dale Earnhardt plates. I would say that comparison is fair, yes. Yeah, we'll keep them in a nice cabinet. We'll bring them out, and we have other nice nice cabinet. We'll bring them out and we have other nice guests over. We'll bring them out for special occasions. Yeah, exactly.

Funerals, bat mitzvahs. Uh-huh, quinceañeras, that type of thing. Yeah, right. And we talked to Brandon about everything from how Color Me Funny started, how work ethic is important as they build their comedic empire. He even told some stories about being a mailman. Yeah, he loved talking about that. He was reluctant to talk about it, but we're such good goddamn interviewers, we pulled it out of him.

Yep. Pulled it out of him. That's what you got to do. Uh-huh. He would not speak on his relationship with Pamela Anderson, however. Yeah, well, you know, boring. Who hasn't been there, right? That's true.

Seen the video, got the t-shirt. Time to move on. Videos. Oh, but you can see Brandon this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I believe that is going to be

June 5th, 6th, and 7th. Oh, I'm sorry. June 6th, 7th, and 8th at Magoobies. He'll be the host at Magoobies, which was a long time coming. We talked to Brandon about that and his struggles with trying to get in good with the owner of the Magoobies Club. And it's pretty funny. So, yeah, he will be hosting for those shows June 6th, 7th, and 8th, 8 o'clock, and 1030 showtimes. Also, for all things Color Me Funny, go to color me funny comedy.com and that has all their upcoming shows all their web shorts

um yeah as they slowly take over uh maryland comedy those those bel-air boys they're coming for us hey now and it was uh it was a fun episode. I'm glad we had him on. And speaking of Color Me Funny and upcoming shows, Michael. I got a feeling I know where this is going. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Straight to Sean Bolins on June 18th. That's where. That's where. That is where.

Yours truly. That means like us. Yeah, yeah. We'll be featuring slash headlining. Hey. A stand-up comedy show. Oh. Obviously, I'll be headlining.

Obviously. The seasoned vet, Mike Moran. Mike Turpin will be featuring. Uh-huh. And I'll be getting drinks for both of you guys. No. It's a night of digression sessions. We tricked, or I don't know what happened, but some fool over there, color me funny,

thought it'd be a good idea to have you headline and me feature for a night of digression sessions at Sean Bolin's in Bel Air, Maryland, 9 o'clock. Free show. Mike Moran's sneezing, but he's trying to hide it. Yeah, I'm actually going to work that into the set. Yeah, he's allergic to good intros, you guys. So, yes, come see us. It's a free show.

I'm very excited about that show. It's fun to do shows with my lover, my cohort, my co-pilot. When Jesus calls out sick, sick, sick, sick. Not editing that out. And what else we got going on Mike You can find us on Twitter I am at BetterRobotJosh And I am at Michael Morant

That's where he's at Find him And the podcast is at DigSeshPod We have a Facebook page We have a website DigressionSessions.com With past and future episodes And more importantly, a calendar.

A calendar section where you can see us live. It has all our upcoming improv and comedy dates. So fucking come see us, because we do a lot of fucking favors for you. And hey, if you want to talk to us, send us a goddamn email, because they've been rolling in. We're going to have a mailbag episode soon. I mean, it's not like we're short on emails emails i just don't want anybody to feel like they're not part of the mix exactly yeah so we might have to do something get them quick get them now you know because they're rolling in like nobody's business and then we're only going to be able to read like

the first you know 30 yeah and even when we do that we're going to have to pick like the best one of each subject i mean we'll probably have our staff sift through them. Yeah. They're already so bogged down signing autographs and yeah, they're working on the hotline. It's, you know, it's not easy running this empire. It's tough. It's tough. And so write us at digression.sessions at gmail.com or hit us up on Twitter if you have

any questions and fucking, uh, we have free shirts and stickers if you guys want them so thank you so much for listening if you like the show please tell a friend we're trying to grow our audience yeah that's about it if you like us rate us on iTunes tell a friend that's probably the most important and anything else

Mike Moran if you don't hate us rate us that should be our slogan for now we're gonna go out on that. Let's say it together. You ready? One, two, three. If you don't rate us... What about if you don't rate us that implies that you hate us?

It's much more snappy than the first one. That's great. Let's try it again. If you rate us... If you don't rate us... If you don't rate us, we'll rape you. Alright, thanks everybody. We love you. Any weird things that I should know about the show? Like what?

Am I allowed to curse? This is going on the internet. Okay. I'm pretty sure the internet is rated PG-13. I listen to a lot of podcasts. I don't think. Not ours, apparently. I started to listen to the interview with Turpin, but I didn't have time to finish it.

Well, maybe we don't have time to finish this interview. Whoa's all the time we have thanks again this is gonna be weird interviewing people with with their face mostly blotted out it's a little i feel like wilson on uh on castaway wait no all right references you don't get a lot of them, do you? It's a reference. Hello, neighbor. Is that what he said? I hold him. I hold him. You know, he died at one camp too.

Good. That show sucked. Maybe JTT will be next. When I was in middle school, I went to a live interview with JTT at all. Wait, what? Oh, yeah. My dad and I traveled up to Northern Virginia to the Cherry Blossom Mall, I think it was called, or Apple Blossom Mall.

And we saw the interview live. This sounds like a, I don't know, like a tale from the days of drifters in the Depression. Like, Pa and I loaded in the car. I reckon we went there to north northern virginia yeah that jtt boy talk and one of those uh oh he was a fine speaker one of those magical sticks where they throw his voice across his room we went to a tent revival afterwards we ate crawfish all night and then we beat a communist to death. What a day that was. Was this your father's plan or yours?

Michael, get in the car! JTT will only be there from 5 to 15. Holy crap! Oh my god, Mike, Mike, we gotta go. Oh my god, can we go? Can we go? Can we go? Can we go?

Yeah, I guess, Dad. No, I, uh, yeah, I think, uh... And what what so this was last weekend yeah jdt's 30 years old now works for a brokerage firm he works at uh pac sun and he was just giving a talk on uh all the cool new styles for the summer yeah van's shorts are pretty cool kids what do you think of that hey hey uh all right so mike yeah we're sitting here with one of them color me funny boys are we really yeah we're slowly one uh i think it's thez grimes grimes threads threads grimes dreads dreads ride ned grimes who'sreads Grimes. Dreads Grimes. Ned Grimes. Who's that on the Simpsons?

Frank Grimes. Oh, Grimey. No, Brandon Lascure. Hi. Sitting here with us. Hey, buddy. What's up? We had your CMF cohort.

Your better half. Yeah. Mike, the better one. Your better sixth. Yep. Mike Serpin on the podcast. Good old Mike. Justin Hancock. Justin Hancock is going to be on the show.

Is he? Yeah. I didn't pass the test. I'm around for these decisions. You don't have to show up. I know how you feel about people with the word cock in their name. I know. It is difficult to hear the name Hancock and not think of hand cock.

It's pretty close, right? Yeah. Fellas. He loves that. He has. It's like, I can't think of the word Cunningham without thinking about someone cutting ham. Sorry. I'm going to cut some ham.

Go ahead. Go on. Sorry. Go ahead. We cut you off. No, it's okay. Okay. go ahead we cut you off uh no it's okay uh okay make sure you have uh tell justin uh an hour before the podcast actually starts oh okay is he if you ever have one yeah oh oh oh yeah so the

black guy isn't the late one right is is routinely on time he actually doesn't have very many um afro-centric qualities he has dreadlocks yeah uh he must be a who too it's a who too he's not a tootsie tootsie tootsie tootsie the dustin hoffman film boy you're really a movie about the rwandan genocide where he has to dress up like a Hutu. Are you thinking Totsi? Totsi? Is that how you say it? Yeah, not Tootsie.

Really? It's Totsi. Really? Have you seen Hotel Rwanda with Don Cheadle? I'm pretty sure they go Hutu and Tootsie. Yeah. Really? Okay. I don't know.

I don't know. But that's how it was in the movie. It's spelled T-U-T-S-I, I believe. Right? Tootsie. It's spelled T-U-T-S-I, I believe. Right? Tootsie. It's not Tootsie. Tootsie Pop. You can't answer.

You can't say the word. How many licks does it take to get to the center of... Hotel Rwanda. A Tootsie Pop. You get a machete. Hack it open. That's awful. That's awful.

I know. We've got to stop. We're getting really dark and disturbing really quickly. Yeah. It happens. We're going to brighten it up. I'm glad. That is a cheap kind of comedic route to go, though.

Genocide. Yeah, kind of. We all got that genocide card in our back pocket. We really do. I think everyone starts with genocide and shock value. Right. And we're still there. Yeah.

That's where Jerry Seinfeld started. Genocide jokes, you know. Yeah. Who are these people committing genocide? Six million Jews. Have you seen this? Well, like six million won tonight. There are too many people in this gas chamber.

Not enough room for all of us in this gas chamber. Oh, Schwitz. And then Kramer barrels into the... Actually, was Kramer Jewish? I'm going to say he barrels into the shower. I think it was a prerequisite to be Jewish to be on Seinfeld. Jerry was definitely Jewish. George and Elaine?

Jason Mark? Jason Alexander? Well, I mean, on the show, I know they definitely, Jerry was definitely Jewish. His character was Jewish. Oh, yeah. And in real life, yeah. Yeah. Right.

IRL. Right. Do we know about the other? Are we Jew hunting right now? I think so. Right. Question for Hebrew. On the last podcast.

Was it on the last podcast? I'm lying. I'm Zion. I know. Was it on the last podcast we talked about how much Julia Louis-Dreyfus is worth, her net worth? Yes. Do you know, Brandon? What do you think her net worth is?

It's probably pretty substantial. Yeah? Yeah. Give me a number. I would assume. What do you think her net worth is? It's probably pretty substantial. Yeah? Give me a number. I would assume, you know. Josh just can't wait to destroy you. Give me a number. Here we go. Yeah, let's see what you think.

Go ahead, pal. Throw it out there. Her net worth. All right, give it to me. What do you think? What do you think? Venture a guess. Okay.

I'm a carnival barker. Julia Lou Drake. Okay, pal. Yes, Julia Lou Drake is that worth. Get it right. Get, pal. Yes, Julia Williams, that was. Get it right. Get a bear. Get a stuffed bear. Get a bear for your wife.

I'm going to say. From Elaine to Veep, got to be worth a lot. I'm going to say $95 million. Wow. Okay, let's stop joking around and give a serious answer let's give a serious answer okay was that a freebie no i mean we joke around a lot but like seriously like what what do you think we're having fun yeah go ahead go ahead okay uh and um come on be serious uh 210 million dollars okay now honestly it's getting a little obnoxious. A bit insulting.

It's getting insulting. We were joking around the first time. Give me one more. Here we go. Go ahead. Give me one more reason to stay here. Tracy Chapman. Give me one reason. One dollar. Can I do one dollar?

Wow. That's right. She's worth $2. She lost all her money in a Ponzi scheme. How fucking much is this girl worth? Several billion. Three billion. Three bill. Really?

Triple bill. Yeah. Her dad is a, he owned an energy company in California or some shit. He owned an energy company? Yep. All right. It's called The Sun. No, I don't know.

He owns The Sun. Her dad, he got the rights cheap. You know? B It's called The Sun. No, I don't know. He owns The Sun. He got the rights cheap. Bought it from the Indians for a sack of maize and some gold coins. He bought it from Ra. He bought The Sun from the Indians for a sack of maize.

Yeah. He's had it ever since. Pretty wild. Pretty wild stuff. Pepper Grinder. What do you think of that, huh? No, no. She really is like, she grew up a billionaire. Really?

She's the daughter of a billionaire. She's still a billionaire. Does it make you guys feel better to flaunt this knowledge of Julia? It makes us feel better to know stuff that other people don't know, even if it doesn't matter. I was just surprised. I just had no idea. Yeah, I knew that for years, weirdly. This is where this is starting.

Okay. Yeah. I don't know. We assert dominance right away. Right. Okay. That's why we're mounting you a little bit and putting our scent on you. All right.

I was wondering. It's like the army. We got to break you down first if we're going to build you up. We do it to everybody. Okay. If you would have finished the Mike Turpin episode, you would have known. You would have known. Was that on recording, by the way?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, there's an audio bit of love. You want to work here, close. Oreos are for closes only. So, no, I'm excited that Brandon's here. He seems to be. I'm not.

I'm not. Busting our balls. Hey, this freaking guy. Oh, God. Easy. Uh-oh. Sorry. Real professional.

Brandon just smacked me in the face. Not interesting to anyone listening type incident going on right now. Nope. Let's just ignore that. And if you saw. You guys dabbling in Foley work. What? Foley work. Uh? Foley work?

Uh-oh. Hey. Horses. Get that horse out of here. I don't understand what's going on here, and I don't like it. Earlier in the afternoon, you didn't know who Bill Burr is, and now you don't know what Foley work is? No, I knew who Bill Burr was. No, no, no.

You didn't. Literally, as soon as I walk in the house, I hear you go, and who's Bill Burr? Who's this Bill Burr character? Is he a Batman villain? Is he the icy one? Mike was so shocked his monocle almost fell off of his face. Is this Bill Burr character? Is Bill Burr one name or two?

Is that short for William? Common nickname? Is he a lumberjack? He yells Bill Burr. Bill Burr. Yeah, that was a conversation that happened. I went and saw Bill Burr at the Meyerhoff Symphony Hall here in Baltimore, which holds thousands of people. And it was pretty funny.

I said, I saw Bill Burr on Thursday. Mike Moran goes, oh, did he headline Chuckle Storm? I knew if he did, it wouldn't have been your standard Chuckle Storm, but sometimes they do have fairly big names. Well, they had the guys from Super Troopers come through on Wednesday. How was that? That was a lot of fun. Did it fill up the place? It was probably

the most full I've seen it for a Chuckle Storm. Really? It was a different audience. It's not like they were there for Chuckle Storm. It was kind of like your bro-y crowd a little bit. Really? Yeah. I think they attract that with you know beer fest and stuff like that but they're super cool guys um yeah it was kevin farley no i'm not gonna what is that kevin heffernan similar type kevin farley would be kevin farley he would be chris farley's brother. He would be. He is. He would be. And he is.

And then Steve Lemme. Can the rest of the show be just us saying people's names that Mike doesn't know? And who is Kevin Farley? Oh, okay. And this Chris Farley brother of his? And he would be? What have they done? Okay, all right.

And Saturday Night Live is? I don't really watch tv reader oh i don't even own a tv um i didn't know what tv was until a couple years ago okay you raised by wolves but readers vegans even vegan wolves. Those would be the worst wolves. We don't do that. They're all emaciated. Yeah, they were called dead. They were Darwin animals.

Is this squirrel free range? I don't want to. No. Yeah, so I met those guys at Chuckle Storm. Right. And had a minor awkward moment with these fellas. You know how you ever meet somebody who's like semi-famous? You're like, oh, man.

Do you guys get nervous? I'm sure Brandon feels like that when he came on here. Yeah, he's in a bit of shock right now. Yeah, definitely. You're coming to. You're coming to. I could tell he was relaxing. The urine on my pants is finally starting to dry.

I like it. I like it. Now let's work on those poops. We'll be I like it. Now let's work on those poops. We'll be right back. We're going to work on those poops. So I met those guys, and it's just like I wanted to make them laugh and be like, hey, you want to think I'm funny. But then, like, you don't want to seem like, hey, well, you should be famous with us. Get on stage.

Hop in the limo. Yeah. So we're joking around. And I was talking about they're on Ari Shafir's podcast. And I had been listening to it that day. And I mentioned it to him. And I was, like, bringing up some of the stories they talked about. And they're like, oh, yeah, you should listen to our podcast.

We just started. It's called Chewing It or something. And then they made, like, a poop joke. And I was like, oh. And I thought they were just kidding. Like, Chewing It, that's kind of a dumb name. And then they made a poop joke. And I was like, oh. And I thought they were just kidding. Chewing It, that's kind of a dumb name. And then they made a poop joke. And I was like, oh, so it's like two girls, one cup.

But the audio version, which we've all been clamoring for. And then we were riffing on that. He's like, yeah, it's on the Nerdist Network. He's like, yeah, sounds perfect for the Nerdists. And then kind of just fell flat. Come to find out, they actually have a podcast called Chewing It on the Nerdist Network. And I remember being like, yeah, okay, on the Nerdist. Way to make an ass out of yourself.

Pretty much. Yeah. Oh, it's great on the Nerdist Network. I'm sure. I just downloaded it on my invisible eye. Boop, boop, boop. Listening to it right now. Oh, hilarious.

Chewing it. Yeah. So I think it was just some confusion because we were joking i can't you know the joke was it's two girls one cup the audio version that's offensive it wasn't offensive but it was just you know right you know a little bit of a little bit of a fail there that's all right but isn't most things in life that I do. Josh Kaderna. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, this podcast being one of them. Right. For sure. Right. Epic fail. Hashtag fail, bro. Fail whale. No, it's cool hanging out with those guys.

And I got to play a song during one of their sets. Nice. And what did you play? They did a peach eating contest with two people from the audience. And I played Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. Cool. Cool. I wish I could have been there.

What do you play? No, I just played it from my laptop. But I was like the DJ for the night. Very. Whoa, boy. You're blowing me away here. I know. There's a chord synthesizer next to you and a good bass in the background. There's five guitars in here.

There's a little backup singer. There's a xylophone somewhere. And you're like, I just played it on my iPod. We have Phil, Wall of Sound, Spectre, Manning the controls. I popped it in on my Zune. Was that pretty cool? That's pretty cool, huh, guys? Zunes are cool.

But it was nice. He pointed from the stage and said, Maestro, can you give us some music? And everybody could see me. And I was like, yeah. And then I played it. So take that, Brandon. Oh, yeah. Real good. Thank you. You're blowing me away. Is this almost over? How much longer?

No, usually, yeah, I tell my Super Trooper story, and then we wrap up. He tells it every week. Like five or ten minutes. He's been telling it. Again, if you would have listened to the Mike Turpin episode, you would be asking these ridiculous questions. Every week, he tells the Super Trooper story. I think he forgets that he told it last week. We don't tell him.

I listen to Mike enough. I live with him. I work with him. You live with him? Yeah, he lives with him. You guys have moved in together? Well, I— You've reached that stage? When you said your wife called earlier, was that Mike Turpin?

No, I wouldn't have taken the phone call. No, he lives with us. We have roommates. Makes the rent cheaper? Yeah. Do you own your home? I own my home. Where do you live? I live in Bel Air. Bel Air. Yep.

How long have you been married? Six months. Maybe I don't even know. You're like 13 years old. I'm fucking almost 30. Whoa. Yeah, I know. Well, good job on keeping that hairline.

Thank you. Because mine is shooting back like a rabbit out of a... Yeah, Mike got sensitive. We got some pictures done for the website. It just happened like a week ago. How old are you? All of a sudden, I'm like losing my hair. How old are you?

I was not expecting this. For those listening, Mike held up his hands and showed this many. I'm seriously, I'm not joking about this. I'm going to get Rogaine. I'm trying to keep my feet. Rogaine doesn't help the front. What? Rogaine takes care of the skin, Yamaka.

Yeah, Rogaine helps the back. What am I supposed to do up front?aka? Yeah, Rogaine helps the back. What am I supposed to do up front? Get a wig, bro. Yeah. No. What does Nick Cage do? He combs it back into a mighty.

I am already doing, like, the comb forward. Comb forward. They're actually, I feel, I don't know how much it would cost, but whoever did Jeremy Piven's hairpiece, phenomenal. That's not a hairpiece. Well, I don't want to wear it. He got plugs. But they look real. What's amazing, in PCU. Joel McHale's's hairpiece, phenomenal. That's not a hairpiece. Well, I don't want to wear it. He got plugs. But they look real. What's amazing, in PCU, Jeremy Piven looks like he's 45.

Yeah, I remember thinking that when I saw that as a kid. That was 20 years ago, and now he looks like he's 45. 20 years later. 20 years later, yeah. Yeah, right. No, your hair's not that bad. Come on. How much longer do you want the hair?

I just don't want to. I'm trying really hard. Aren't you tired of that stuff? You got to shampoo it, move it out of the way. I always said. Do you mean how much longer do I want it or how much longer do I want to keep it? How much longer do you want to keep it? Brandon wants to cut your hair.

How long do you want it? No, no. How much longer? Are you going to like Robert Smith type thing? You want it really long? No. How much longer time-wise? Like I want it.

I said I want to last until I'm 30. You're married though. I don't get it. I fucking like to look good. I'm very vain. I don't care about that outside of it. Yeah. I'm not so much vain as I am

insecure and self deprecating. Okay. Well, then baldness will help. What about loathing? Self-loathing? Yeah. I think that's what I meant to say. Baldness will help. Louis C.K. has been bald for... Right. Yeah. I don't want to... That's where Mike Moran goes, who is this Louis C.K.

fucking guy? The C.K. gentleman? He's kind who is this Louis C.K. fucking guy? The C.K. gentleman? I do think he's kind of overrated. Got it, man. C.K. Okay. Where were we? Where the fuck were we? A lot of irons in the fire.

You guys asked me where I was. Brandon's been married since he was 12 years old. No, I've been married since I was 22. Why did you decide to get married so young? Because I was tired of fucking around. Tired of fucking around. Tired of fucking around. Too much puss.

Yeah. Had to take a break. Yeah. Right. I hear you. Tired of fucking around. Yeah? Yeah.

I'm very, I like to, I'm goal oriented. Okay. Yeah. So, I feel like. How long were you dating this girl before? Not long, like a year. Really? Yeah. Locked it down at 22. She was how old? 22?

Eight. Oh, okay. She was 19 when we got married. Wow. Not even old enough to drink at the wedding. No. Damn. Any children?

Fuck no. You know that is the purpose of marriage. Yeah. Damn. Damn. Any children? Fuck no. You know, that is the purpose of marriage. Yeah. Okay. That and tax breaks. I mean, you're pretty much gay married if you're not having children. Yeah. You're pretty much gay married. They're not made Adam and Eve, Brandon. Not Adam and some chick that can't get pregnant.

No, I don't want to ruin my life yet. So I'm not having children. Yeah, kids would be... Why did you show up here? Kids would be... It's an investment. What are you saying? You don't think Brandon would be a good father?

I think he'd be a fine father. You think he'd be a fine father. I think, Brandon, I think he'd be a wonderful father. I'd be happy. In fact, I'd like to make you my father. Okay. Well, I mean. I'd like to move in with you.

You're a year older than me, but, you know. You could make it work. First off, stop eating double stuffed Oreos. We're going to take those away. Aw, dad. And save up your allowance and we'll get you some hair plugs. Oh. There you go.

Wow. How do the hair plugs work? They, I'm not fucking, how do I know? You're not also a member? No. If I was a cosmetic surgeon, do you think I'd be in some weird apartment in fucking Hamden?

Okay, okay. This is a row home, sir. Row home. This is a row home. Well, regardless, if there's a fire, everyone on this block dies. Really? Yes. I don't think so. I'd probably get out of my house. No? Yeah.

I know. You would die. I would get out of my house. You would die. You will die. Brandon has a plan. I'm like, no. No. That's what the leg clamps are for. I was wondering what you brought those for. Alright, so Brandon. the leg clamps are for. I was wondering what you brought those for. All right, so Brandon.

We took a sharp right. We really did. Hey, Brandon, you got kids? You're going to fucking die in a fire. Okay, cool. Let's take a break and reset. Let's reset here. All right.

Let's start our day. Namaste Brandon you seem to be the glue of this Color Me Funny ragtag brigade you got going on was it your idea like how did you guys form you're a comedy contingent you make your sketches

you run what three rooms we have three rooms you brew your own beers you have a hell of a softball team. State champs, three years running. Good for you guys. No, I don't know, just young comics struggling for stage time. Is everybody Bel Air centered?

No, we're mostly Hartford County centered, which is for – does this have listeners? Yeah. We're not even recording. I mean, honestly. It is east of Baltimore. Dozens of listeners. Literally dozens. We're mostly Harford County.

Joe Greenway lives in the city. Okay. Okay, so you're mostly Baltimore suburb. Honestly, we were just trying to fucking get our names on the map and do something better than what is out there right now. I'd say that you guys have definitely done that.

Thank you. Having those rooms and then having headliners come through. You guys just had Ryan Connor? Yeah. Ryan's fantastic. I, I did a set at the green room in the draft house and he was the headliner. He was so funny, man. He was awesome. I saw you guys had him recently.

Yep, we got him again in Dealey Foley's on the 6th. When will this be up? Okay, this will probably be up before then. He's the guy from something, right? Here we go. He contributes to... Did he write for something?

Who is this guy? And this Connor... No, I think I might be opening for him tomorrow, actually. Oh, at High Tops? Yeah. Yeah, he's at High Tops

on Sunday. Okay, he'll be there. But this podcast is not about Ryan Connor. It's about Brandon Lascuro. It is. All right. But the fact that you guys provide so many opportunities for comedians, if I could wash your balls a little bit.

Thank you. It's awesome. Can you possibly gargle them, Joshua? Well, let me clean them first, pal. I prefer a dirty gargle. All right. You got to crawl before you can gargle. I like my ball gargling like I like my martini.

Dirty gargle. That's the name of my new grind band. Oh, cool. At the sidebar. Yeah. It sounds like a drink, too. A dirty Gargle. That's the name of my new grind band. Oh, cool. At the sidebar. Yeah. It sounds like a drink, too. Dirty Gargle. On Sex and the City.

Miranda's always getting the Dirty Gargle. And the Sex and the City would be sexual people in cities? Any city? Outside of town. Moran, you're such a loser. What? What did I do? Hey, now what did I do this time? Wait a

minute. Everyone needs a whipping boy. But you really fucked up and you guys have Mike and I. I'm quote unquote featuring and Mike's headlining on June 18th. Sean Bolins. Tuesday, June 18th 12 South Main Street, Bel Air, Maryland.

Good luck with that. Showtime is 9 p.m. Free. Show up if you dare. It's free. Last free. The drinks still cost money. Oh. Hey, now.

Hey, now. But, yeah, it has to be a lot of work what you guys do. It is a shitload of work. Constantly booking people. Even just booking people for this show, to me, is stressful. Yeah. I mean, not that stressful, but you're always having to go back and forth with emails and shit like that. Oh, I can't do this day. But booking shows what, like seven people, two rooms, like, is it like weekly? We, uh, we're basically

weekly in Bel Air, two different rooms where every three weeks at Dealey Foley's in federal Hill. Right. We're working on picking up a couple of new rooms. So we're going to have some stuff soon. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Honestly, the hardest work is the shorts, is the web shorts. Yeah. How long have you guys been doing that? A few months now? We released our first

videos in October. Okay. And we've been trying to get the hang of them for a little while. And then now we're bi-weekly. Okay. Yeah. So every other Monday.

Let me get this correct. You are bi-weekly. Ah. No, I just wanted to check on the web. Sorry. Yeah. Mike was focused on some double stuff. Yeah, I know. It's okay.

All right. Okay. Good. Good. I'm not the only one. Oh, boy. Cheers oh interracial um or interject what where the fuck we're racial i don't know because oreos are black and white i don't know we're cutting all this out good you were discussing something useful and i was ruining it with bad jokes oh okay there we were there we were what What are the other rooms that you're working on getting?

I can't talk. Really? Yeah. Oh. You don't have a contract? Let me tell you. Hold on. He's mouthing First Mariner Arena.

Oh, my God. Can you tell us what they rhyme with? Schmerz, Schmariner, Marina. I think he's trying to say my goobies. That's what he's trying to say. No, I can guarantee this. Dave Schoffer listens to all of these podcasts. No.

And he's especially going to listen to this one just in case I dropped any type of. He listens to digression sessions. Come on. You know he does. Really? Yeah. Why? Because he doesn't have a fucking job.

Right. All right? This is... Comedy's my job. He doesn't have a job, man. Of course. I mean, what else could he do? Other than listen to the guy in digression sessions?

Yeah. I don't think everybody who's unemployed just listens to digression sessions all the time. I wish they did. In this economy, we'd be the most popular podcast. Today's hobo has the jug of XXX liquor sleeping on the boxcar with an iPod. Tune in to digression sessions.

It shows up at the welfare office. Here's your check. Here's the latest episode of digression sessions. Also a t-shirt. That Rick guy is posting stuff like, if you can afford tattoos and cigarettes and digression sessions you don't need welfare i sure do wish josh tells that super trooper stupor story again that's something else i'll tell you boy he got mistaken for a fat chinese

fellow one time i was on the last podcast uh yeah i I wouldn't know. Hey, you're employed. Yeah. But not for much longer. You got a job. Don't you deliver mail? I do. Postal service. I do.

They're going after you. You're a mailman. That's not how you say that. Mail L. Yeah, I'm a mail man. Yeah. But you also deliver mail. Hey, come on.

We're having fun here, right, guys? Brandon? I'm not good at puns. Was that what that was? That was a pun. Okay. That was a pun. We're having fun here, right, guys? Brandon? I'm not good at puns. Was that what that was? That was a pun. Okay. That was a pun. You have Asperger's.

What? You have Asperger's. No, no, God damn. Those people aren't good at puns. No, people, no, that's not true. People who have Asperger's can't understand sarcasm. Oh, really? Yeah, really.

Oh. No, I don't have Asperger's. No, they can understand You know who doesn't understand puns? Stupid people I can't pun, I understand puns You can't make them? I can't pun

I think you can Can't pun with the big shots Can't play in the big pun game I think you're just punishing yourself A little bit If you want to We can work on some puns If you want to... We can work on some puns if you want to... Do you want to puntificate

for a little bit? You guys can keep rolling. Keep throwing them at me. Hey, we will. Maybe one will stick. Hey, maybe it will. I'm terrible at wordplay and puns and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah? So what kind of humor do you focus on, if not those? Hillbilly humor. Okay. Mostly. So you're a blue-collar comedy tour type guy. Oh, yeah, definitely. Right.

Yeah. No. Tater salad. Tater salad. I like Ron White, actually. I'm not even sure which one he is, honestly. I'm not surprised that you don't know who Ron White is. This is the episode where Mike Moran knows no one.

I don't have time to know anything. Was he on The Simpsons? Don't know him. Who the fuck is this Richard Pryor guy? Pryor and our business. I honestly just don't have time. Was that another point? Yeah.

We got to stop this. I'm having fun. I'm having fun. I'm having fun. Hey. Anyway, go ahead. What? Fun it up.

Go ahead. Go ahead with what? So delivering mail as a mailman. Oh, God, I don't want to talk about that. Why not? I fucking hate my job. Really? Oh, God, he's going to start shooting people. Hey, don't go postal.

This is why I don't talk about my job. Because of the dumb jokes. It sucks. I tried to work at the mail post office once. Yeah. And that's where he went wrong. Yeah. When I wrote.

I would like to work at the mail post. They're like, sir, will you leave the gap, please? I'm not leaving until I work in the mail building. Yeah. I don't talk about my job on stage. There's a local man holding people hostage demanding a job. Yeah. I don't talk about my job on stage demanding a job yeah i don't talk about

my job on stage i know everyone says like that's a fucking gold mine you're a mailman but look like look at me uh-huh i'm the last thing rather not the last thing you expect me to to be talking about is being a mailman i don't think i look like a mailman i don't know i don't want to convey that image right being a man i don't you don't want to get grouped in with mailman comedy is what you're saying no i don't want to get grouped in with mailman comedy is what you're saying. No, I don't want to get grouped in with like – I want to – You don't want to be typecast. People – think of a mailman. Picture a mailman.

All right. Okay. Let's take a second. Picture a mailman. All right. I got mine, Josh. And I guarantee you're all picturing your uncle. No, I was picturing Carl Malone.

No. Center for the Utah Jazz. No, I was picturing a man in a hot dog suit with a super soaker. All right. You don't. Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't think the mailman has a typical look.

Really? Yeah. Especially in the city. Boy, you're real PC. You don't want to stereotype a mailman. The mailman could be an Asian. Maybe it's the tofu or the almond milk. It could be a Thai lady boy.

It could be anything. A pygmy delivers my mail. They prefer to be called little black people. They prefer to be called Uyghurs. We don't grow. It's a tiny. We don't grow. We don't grow. Oh, boy. Yeah, I don't know.

I see a bunch of, there's male ladies. I've seen black felons deliver mail. I've seen old white felons. Oriental. No. I've seen a bunch of drunk mix out there.

I even saw a Mexican fella deliver mail once. Okay, so you don't want to talk about it because I don't want to talk even further about it even though we've been on it for 15 minutes. I have I find nothing

The final word on being a mailman. I find nothing humor The final word on... The final word on being a mailman. I find nothing humorous about my job at all. I go there for 40 hours a week. I book shows, listen to podcasts while I work. It's all...

That has to be the best. I do more comedy work at work than I do. How is this not the greatest job ever from what I'm hearing? I mean, I make a lot of money. It gives me the freedom to do the things that I want to do. Okay, so where's the downside? You listen to podcasts.

You get to work on comedy. It's not fruitful to my creative endeavors. Yeah, it gets in the way. 40 hours is a lot of time. It's a lot of time. No, I don't really get much from my job at all. People always think I do. Do you have a job?

I work with mentally challenged children. This isn't all you do, right? I wait tables. See? Okay. That's like your standard comedian job. What do you do, Josh? I work at a junk mail factory. That was my attempt at a joke. I work at a junk mail factory. Really? That was my attempt at a joke.

I know. I work at a sex toy factory. I'm a full-time sex toy guy. You would not believe how many times it devolves into Lucy S. Shenanigans. I don't want to talk about my job. People think it's going to be funny that I talk about sex toys. That's why all these pocket pussies are just laying strewn about the room. Yeah, that's why.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I work why. Yeah. Yeah. No, I work in a cube. You want that dildo with balls? Who wants dildos with balls? Balls or none? You know, like some dildos have balls on the end? Yeah.

Sure. Yep. That's what drives the ladies wild. If you look at the later era of the standard plastic dildos from the late 80s, they generally – I'm just kidding. Mahaffey has a joke about dildos with balls and whether or not they should just make just balls. Like, no, just the balls slapping against your face. Shouldn't they could just buy those truck nuts, though?

Yeah. Yeah, they could. I'm in the audience. Like, just get truck nuts. Next joke. Like'm in the audience. Like, just get truck nuts. Next joke. Where are these, like, stores where you buy, like, the trucker, the offensive trucker apparel? Not in Hampton. Like, Paul's and truck nuts, et cetera?

That store? And, like, the, you know, Yosemite Sam, like, back off and the naked lady things. Truck stops, probably. Yeah. Okay. No, you never probably. Yeah. Okay. No, you never answered. Amazon.com. Where do you work?

For the Social Security Administration. Okay. So I work for the man as well. Yeah. Yeah, no, I get it. I work in a cubicle. So you guys are in on the Illuminati. Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. That's why we did that cool handshake. That's why we both wear all-seeing eye necklaces. There's all these triangles strewn about the room as well. Triangles and pocket pussies. Pocket pussies are a big thing. Instruments that Josh doesn't know how to play. Yeah.

If you notice, the upside-down eye is actually a pocket pussy from back in the day. It's part of the Illuminati thing. It was a Freemason. Professor Gristommer. Yeah. Ben Franklin made it. He's an inventor, that guy. So you don't talk about your job in –

I am working on a joke that somebody said, but it just happened just because I work in an office. It's not like anything like, I work for the government. But, yeah, the bit that I'm working on working on it's just it would just be a story it's this girl shantae that i work with she's from oklahoma and she's super sweet and a lot of the stuff she says is just like from the mouth of babes like she doesn't really know what she's saying she's just a genuine person right and she was telling this uh this guy eric and i how much she loves to show big bang theory like we're we're just making chit-chat or whatever. And she's like, oh, I love Big Bang Theory.

And Eric's like, oh, yeah, my wife watches that. She's like, really? You guys should come over to my house and we'll have a Big Bang party. And we're both, like, Eric and I are kind of, like, smiling. She's like, what? What? I was like, Shantae, I'll do you one better. What if we rent a bus?

Get ourselves a Big Bang bus going. And she's like, Shantae, I'll do you one better. What if we rent a bus? Get ourselves a big bang bus going. She's like, I don't get it. So yeah, that's all the joke is. Nice, that's pretty funny. But yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with the government. It happened at work. No, I mean, I guess my job's okay.

It's just a job. I want to make a joke about cubicle life and how everybody is this close to killing themselves, it seems like. But you try to a job. I want to make a joke about cubicle life and how everybody is like this close to killing themselves it seems like. But you try to fake it like, hey, how are you? But, you know. Someone at my work once asked me, hey, Brandon, good morning. How are you doing? And I actually started to like – I paused for a second and was starting to answer her.

Yeah. And she was just like, just say fine and walk away. I don't actually want to know. She said that walk away. I don't actually said that. Yeah. I just I don't want to actually know the real answer. I'm living a hellish nightmare myself. So if you could just say fine and continue with my my hating my life, that'd be great. That would be fantastic. No, I hate it, too. It's not creative, but it gives you free time. Like I have some free time to work. If I couldn't listen to my iPod, I would have killed myself a long time. Me, too. I don't get to listen to my iPod, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Me too. I don't get to listen

to my iPod. I don't get to work on anything at all. I don't work on nothing. I don't do nothing. First of all, how did you get a job with the post office? We can skip it if you're bored with this. Pulling you back in. You're going to fucking yank

these post office stories out of me. You got to have some good post office stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Are you out there delivering? I'm not going to share them, but I have them. I've been attacked by dogs. Sure, right. I stopped

an escaped convict leaving the courthouse once. No. Yeah. How did that happen? Okay. So I'm delivering mail.

That's all the time we have, Brandon. All right. Hopefully we'll get you next time. All right. And bring Mike Turpin with you next time. No, just kidding. Go ahead. Sorry.

I was delivering mail, walking down the street. All of a sudden I see this man walking down the street in the opposite direction. Something was off on him, right? Something was off. Something was weird, so I was kind of looking at him. Lawyers, this is Main Street, Bel Air. We're getting a Trayvon Martin story going here. He was in a hoodie.

He had a hood up. He was in a hoodie. News up to no good. He was eating Skittles. He was walking down the street. I see people just walking right past him, nothing. They didn't make a second glance. And as he approaches me...

But why are we suspicious of this guy? You'll see. As he approaches me, you don't do well with suspense, do you? Please tell me what happens next. I need it in the next... Can we just skip this question and get to the end of the story? No.

Mike's watching Terminator. Why do you want to kill the T-1000? Seems like a nice guy. Can we just chapter search? Can we watch the last chapter first? Oh, all right. He jumps in lava. He melts.

All right. There we go. Cool. He does a thumbs up as he's being incinerated by lava. Hasta la vista. All right. I'm walking down the street. There's one more chip. You know, they left the arm in the machine.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, sorry. Okay, anyway, sorry. The Terminator. Get back to the Terminator. No, I would rather talk about Kyle Reese. So I'm walking down the street. Guy's walking towards me.

Other people not even blinking at this guy. As he approaches me, we're right next to one another at this point on the sidewalk. He looks over me, and I realize he's in an orange jumper, and he's got chains, like shackles, arm shackles, leg shackles, and he's just shuffling down the street, right? And I'm looking around, and I'm just like, what the fuck? Is no one going to stop this man? So is he, like, moving as fast as he can? Yeah, he was just shuffling. So he would be running if he could run.

Yes, absolutely. And I like other people. Oh, hey, Ted. Does he have one of those big iron balls dragging behind him? No, no. It didn't take place in 1937. Well, you could have said that in the beginning, but continue. Not a time traveler.

So I put my mailbag down, and I slowly jogged next to him because that's about the speed that I needed to go. Right. And I tackled him and held him down. You tack Right. And I tackled him and held him down. You tackled him. I tackled him and held him down. He wasn't big and scary? He was an arm and leg shackles. What could he do?

Bite me? Right. On my elbow? No, he couldn't do anything. Like, literally, he was just laying. He was like, get the fuck off me. I was like, what are you going to do? Like, he could do nothing.

And I just held him down. Did you roll over? No, I just held him there. He wasn't all that. In a warm embrace. Shh. That's going to be okay. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault, Tyrone. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. You did the scene from Good Will Hunting. Yeah. Did you try to talk some sense into him? How much do you bet? Like, look, we live in a society of law and order.

We have a social contract. No, no. I said, get on the ground, Blackie. No. No, I am. Careful. Windows open. Yeah, there might be somebody on the ground blackie no no no careful windows open yeah there might be somebody on the ground outside the window right now i'm not in this neighborhood there's a conflict shuffling oh lord they're on to me um and i just did he did he try to bargain with you like look buddy no no he yelled and was just like get the fuck off of me and And I was just like, no. No.

And so I just held him. And then about, I don't know, 30 seconds after the most awkward embrace ever. Was it getting awkward? Like, is anybody coming? Yes, it was. It would have been great if your boss just drove by for some reason. You're just holding a man on the street. And he's like, that's a time-wasting practice.

Going to dock your time log, Brandon. We don't pay you to be tackling convicts. I told you about cuddling nine times. And then like 30 seconds later, all these security people ran from the courthouse. And apparently, basically, I found out that the bailiffs that were leading him into his court appearance, they unloaded this van of convicts. And he just sat in the van, and they didn't notice that there was one last guy sitting in the van. So they all walked in, and they left the van unlocked, and they just got out of the van and started shuffling away. I love that's his grand plan.

He's like, no, I'm going to wait it out. Yeah, and it fucking workedling away. I love that's his grand plan. He's like, no, I'm going to wait it out. Yeah, and it fucking worked. And it did. That's... Wow. Yeah. How could you miss a guy in an orange jumpsuit? Yeah, a giant orange.

Maybe the last day they ever had orange interior in that van. With leather headrest. Just his eyes. Yeah, and mouth. Okay, so... Wow, that is crazy That's a story, that happened So he really thought he was going to get away Where was he going to go?

I have no clue It was winter too, I threw him in the snow Oh Yeah, that's another shit We made snow angels Did he seem crazy? His were greatly impeded by the chains It did not look very good

This tiny little wings. Amputee angel. Yeah. Wow. Did you hear anything more about, did you make the paper or anything? No. Local mail, man. No, I actually got back up, grabbed my mail bag, and continued to deliver mail.

Hey, Rain or Snow, convict or not. Wow. That's commitment. They didn't give you a key to the city or anything? No. They didn't give you your own signal for when they need you again? That would be great. Did that guy say

when he gets out, he's like, I'll kill you. I'll find you. I'll kill you. I think in the grand scheme of things, he knew that this plan was pretty half-assed at best. Right. The best part about that to me is that fucking people just walked right past him.

Yeah, like, were they like, oh, Halloween's coming late this year. They just kept walking. Like, lawyers going into the court. Probably his defense lawyer. He gave him a dap as he was passing

Run Frank go Like a nice young man He goes into a shop getting coffee No one will notice me Damn And you kept up Fighting Brandon Lutzer Let's try that last name again

Brandon Lutzer One time I Let's try that last name again. Brendan Lov... One time I confronted a guy who stole... Yeah, have you guys ever stopped any convicts? I know. I just want to know the story that's going to try to compare. Yeah. No, it's comparable.

Okay. A guy had stolen a girl's purse. Okay. And was walking with it. And she was, like, walking behind him, like, give me my purse back. Actually, I think it was her bag. I think it was, like, her book bag at Hopkins. And she kept being, like, you know, I need those fucking books.

They're expensive. And he was walking. They were walking, like, in a fairly crowded area. And she was, like like will you help me somebody help me took my stuff and uh the guy was just like someone else with it yeah tackled that guy and mike saw it he was the first one to see it happen yeah no uh no so i helped him get away no i uh i yeah so i i just like got in the van and we drove away in the getaway car still married to this day still have the books never even sold just got them strophes sociology Yeah, so I just like... And then we got in the van and we drove away in the getaway car.

Still married to this day. Still have the books. Never even sold them. Just got them as trophies. Sociology 101. One day you'll learn it. Yeah, so I went up and I yelled at him until he gave the first back. Wow.

I mean, it was a bunch of people around. Like, nothing was going to happen, you know? Yeah. And let's see. I don't think he had a weapon. This is when you had hair, so you were a lot more imposing. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that gentleman with that striking hairline. Of course I'll give him back. I'm sorry. And then I called the police and, like, kind of chased him while I was calling the police because he still was, like, trying to, like, not look too obvious in the crowd, you know? Yeah. So he was, like, just walking really quickly with his head down. And he, like, kind of started running a little bit.

But I ran after him and, like, talked to the police. But I think they didn't catch him because he kind of disappeared from me. Josh, you ever help your common man? Oh, and after he gave the bag back, after he dropped the bag, she, like, threw her iced coffee at him. The girl that was chasing him. Yeah. That'll get you.

That'll stain! You fucker! Remember that, pal. That was a mocha latte! Yeah, I... That was five dollars. Another five dollars I lost. That was hindsight bad idea. Bad, bad idea. It was cold, too. It wasn't even hot. That was a problem.

It was a real problem. You ever do anything heroic? Yeah. Or are you just a faggot? Okay, a little bit of both. Hear me out. One time I was sucking a guy's dick. And I noticed he was stealing.

I said, wait a minute, pal. And I threw coffee all over his balls. Finished him off because I'm a gentleman. Yeah. And then gave me the key to the sink. Did you make a funny pun about creamer? Yeah. Oh, it takes half and half.

I don't know. That's like what my puns are like. You just say stuff that's under the umbrella of coffee. Hey, decaf, pal. I'll have a sugar. Boom! Pun! Talk about caffeine.

Ring the bell. Ring the bell. All right. Where were we? Josh, move into the wrong one. Oh, yeah. So I went to go see my divorced wife at her new job. She's working at Nakatomi Plaza German

guys right diehard yeah Holly yes you remember Holly yeah yeah yeah so is it all right I like that Bruce Willis impression that's good come to the shore have a few laughs that's good I like that thank youis impression. That's good. Come to the shore. Have a few laughs. That's good. I like that. Thank you. Thank you. I'm working on a Nick Nolte impression, but modern day Nick Nolte. You guys know how he sounds, right?

And Nick. Nolte? He would be. From Blue Chips. I'm just kidding. Yeah. With Shaq. Have you only watched.

That's the movie you know. Yeah. That is the first one that comes to mind. Not 48 hours Never saw it But have you heard His voice recently Recently

I don't think so He sounds like he Drinks A gallon of Gravel Yeah Every day I don't think I can

I don't think he drinks Gravel He really does Way to be a realist Mix his nails Time out Physically speaking. I don't think he actually does that.

Drinking solids. I don't think he does that. Not possible. Now back to the Nolte guy. Who may he be? Time out. Time out. Self-contradictory, really.

Yeah. Continue, Josh. Oh, I don't know. I want to hear it. Nick Nolte. You don't have a real story. Yeah, that was it. I'm just working on that.

Modern day Nick Nolte. Yeah, and gangster squad. He's like, that was it. I'm just working on that impression. Modern day Nick Nolte. Yeah, and Gangster Squad. He's like, God damn it. That's pretty good. You take down that Mickey card for Gangster Squad. Wow. You're off the books. That's all I got.

That's good. Have you seen Warrior? You can get a lot of good stuff from Warrior, too. Yeah, where he freaks out and he's crying. I forgot about that. Why did you pick that one? That's the sad part. I just watched Gangster Squad with my dad and my girlfriend.

Yeah, that stuck out. Gangster Squad, it's a shitty movie but it's a good shitty movie. I gotta say, you know exactly how it's gonna go. They set up one character and he's like, I just got married and I have kids and I love my family. Like, oh, that guy's

going to die. He dies. You know exactly how the movie's going to go, but it's good. Why would Sean Penn do that? Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling? Yeah, but Ryan Gosling, he's still a schmuck. What is this? You think so? He's still a schmuck. He could be talked into doing... Yeah, but he normally

is doing good stuff. Believe me, I know this. He could be talked into doing stuff Yeah, but he normally is doing good stuff. Believe me, I know this. He could be talked into doing stuff. Half and half! Sean Penn doesn't get talked into doing garbage. Right. So what do they have on him? Teller's bringing him down if you ask me. Like, I mean,

where's the plus side to that? Listen here, Sean. Bad script. Terrible movie. They don't know that movies are going to be terrible before they make it. You've got to wear a bunch of face shit on your face. I think it's because...

On my face? I don't know if I want to wear it on my face. Is that your Sean Penn? Oh! I've got to wear it on my face! That's a good pen my face. Whatever. That's a good pen. Thank you.

Dead man walking. That's me. Spicoli. Mystic River. Remember that movie? Oh, yeah. Mystic River. Was that a good one?

I saw that in theater, but I didn't like it because everybody's doing a really bad Boston accent. I couldn't do it either. Does any movie ever need to be set in Boston again? Yeah, they just had Lawrence Fishburne like, hey, what about your father? Not everyone in Boston has those types of accents. Yeah, but it seemed like everybody in the movie did. It's really just the South Shore. My wife's from Boston.

Oh, you're married? Jesus. Don't ask me how long. Who's? Jesus. Don't ask me how long. Who's our guest? Don't ask me how long. I'm not going to ask you how long, but how. Hey. All right.

We got Brandon Lascura in the studio here. Are we just starting now? Yeah, let's get loose. Now that we're warmed up. Yeah, that was a fun. That was a demo. That was a demo. Getting loose.

Feeling good. Everybody have a double stuff? Maybe Mike will get all the references the second time around. He was a demo. Getting loose. Feeling good. Everybody have a double stuffed? Maybe Mike will get all the references the second time around. He was taking notes. As long as you're APA style, it should be good. That was always a pain in the ass when they're like, this is the stupidest thing ever. Your comma's in the right place on your book.

So stupid. I'm actually doing that right now. I'm writing something that I want to be published in Skeptic, and so I have to do. You've got to cite your sources properly. It's so annoying. Wait, so you're big into this Skeptic thing? I'm huge at Skeptic.

They know me by my first name. When I come into the Skeptic offices, straight to the VIP lounge, I believe they call this the Skeptic Tank. So I'm big into all of those cryptozoology right like monster quest and stuff like that on like history channel and they always have those skeptic guys on there like uh michael schirmer and joe nickel yeah who's joe nickel

joe nickels he's he's like the oh like they have like a a panel of nut bag crazy people. They're like, I saw Bigfoot, and he made love to my wife. And then they'll have one guy. Yeah, they'll always have, like, Michael Shermer or one of those guys. They'll have one guy who's like, Bigfoot's not real. Come on. Come on. Yeah. So you're going to try to be that guy.

Well, yeah. I mean, Skeptic, Michael Shermer's Skeptic magazine published a book review that I did. One in the magazine and then one on the online Skeptic thing. Okay. And I want to get like a real column published. So you don't believe in lists of things. Right. Do you believe in Bigfoot?

No, probably not. Okay. I mean, that's a little bit more realistic than some okay white after labor day uh i believe in white as much as possible wow there we go i like that i just said i'm a skeptic all right um what else you got for me bring it on do you believe uh do you believe in ghosts um no but i will say that that's probably the one with the most anecdotal evidence that I want to believe. Yeah. Because trusted people will.

The truth is out there, Brandon. I want to believe. No, but that's the one where like every third person that I know has a story, you know? Yeah. People that I trust. And there's always like details where has a story, you know? Yeah. People that I trust. And there's always, like, details where it's like, you know. And then, you know, like, me and Josh's friend Mike has a story where, and he's, like, a pretty skeptical guy, too, but he has a ghost story. And the real, the twist of it was that it turned out to be something where it was like, oh, my God, you just described my grandfather.

Well, yeah, it was verified by a third party. Exactly. From his story. We didn't see it verified by the third party, but he's not a guy that lies about stuff. So it's hard to refute stuff like that, you know what I mean? But I'm still skeptical of it, even if it's

somebody I trust. I think as humans, our brains do weird things sometimes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've told you my ghost story. Have you? Yeah.

Where it was... Did it involve a clay pottery and Demi Moore? Did it involve a taxi cab? Wait, were you there? Yes. Listen, ghost. I've told it on the podcast before, Mike. I forget.

I don't listen to this podcast. Was it on the second half of the Mike Turpin one? If so, I didn't hear it. We blew each other for a little bit and then told ghost stories. It was great. It was like we were camping. I was in Frostburg. I was at my cousin's apartment. She was going to school at Frostburg University. Her apartment was...

Right? Right? Can I do like a... I'll do the Foley work. River holler. That's not so scary. And then there were these chains. And the weird thing was a bunch of horses came through.

Oh there they are. There they are. Always the horses. They always had to have horses on this river. Cluck clop. The only sound The only savage to it over and over. There was more horses. Then there was a foghorn. The weirdest thing too,

then a bunch of seagulls passed. And then a bunch of white supremacists walked by shouting racial epithets. Fuck you, you watermelon mouth! Okay. I invented the watermelon mouth, actually.

That'll be written on your tombstone. Brandon Lascure, inventor of watermelon mouth. Tackled convict, invented watermelon mouth on separate days. Okay, so her apartment, it was set up. You come in the front door, and basically her apartment was a long hallway.

So you walk in the front door. You can go to your left. There are two rooms there. You go to your right. There's two rooms and then a kitchen at the end. Can you give me the blueprint? That will make this look. Yeah, let me just. If you could post it.

Everyone will post it on the website. Do you have schematics? I do have schematics. I prepared a PowerPoint. If everybody could just... We got double bedrooms to the left and the right. We got a kitchen straight ahead. Yeah.

So big, long hallway. So I'm hanging... Let the ghosts touch you. That's really all I want to know. No. Do we have two bathrooms? One bathroom. Just one bathroom for four bedrooms.

It's sort of like the front... The last room was like the living room. Is she still looking for an apartment? Because I bet I could find her a better one. No, no, she's not. All right. Okay. So, but the front room is kind of the living room.

Is she a good lay? It's my cousin, Brandon. And yes, of course. I thought you said ex-girlfriend. Okay, maybe I'm. Jeez, buddy. All right, here we go. I only listen to the first half of this podcast.

I thought you said. Can we bring in Mike Turpin? There we go. Hey, guys! Whoa. Mike, get out of here. Anyway. All right.

So I'm in. So if you walk in, you go to your left. I'm in the front room. And she was moving. So there's a bunch of boxes. And there was in the hallway. Yeah. In the hallway, there was a... Remember boxes. And there was a – in the hallway. Yeah, in the hallway there was – remember those old, like, plastic crates that, like, records would go in? They're like milk crates.

Milk crates. That's it. The one that records would go in. Yeah, record crates, right? Everybody knows. So – and then the bathroom was the last room. So when I was saying there was four rooms, one of those rooms was the bathroom. I was in the front room,

right? Sophie's in the bathroom where the only two people in the apartment, cause we're having sex, cause we're cousins as Brandon established. I think she was pooping right by the bathroom was that crate of records. Right. And then I was in DJ. No,

she's had a bunch of records. I think there were books in there and stuff too. And, um, I was in the Sophie. What? Fiction or non? I don't know.

Okay, continue. So I'm in the. DJ Sophie's choice. Yes. See, there you go. All right, so I'm in the front room. And it's just, I was looking at a book or a magazine, I think. And then all of a sudden, the crate comes in front of the front door.

Just boom. Just like plops right in front of it. It was really loud. What do you mean it comes in front of the front door. It just, boom, just like plops right in front of it. It was really loud. What do you mean it comes in front of the front door? Well, I heard a huge noise. It was right in front of the doorway in the room I was in, and I look over, and then there's the crate. All of a sudden it's right there.

And then I was like, Sophie. She's like, I'm in the bathroom. So she was all the way down the hallway in the bathroom, couldn't have possibly moved the crate. And that's it. So a crate moved by its lonesomes. Yeah. And go ahead.

Was there any discussion afterward? Like, oh, yeah, that stuff happens in this apartment. She did mention that, yeah, she thinks all of Frostburg's haunted. And then in that building, she had lived in a different apartment two floors up. She said weird stuff happened all the time like um they had a wine glass on the dish rack in the kitchen and it fell off hit the ground didn't break rolled under the table stopped and then shattered but i can't speak to the validity of that story because i didn't see it yeah i mean those are both creepy stories but it's still like it's the rational explanation that the dead rise from the world. Yeah, well, that's what I was going to say.

It certainly freaked me out at the time. Was the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack in that crate, like on vinyl? Yeah, it was. Well, I guess we're gone. Big Ghost giving me the peace sign. That Bobby Brown song is good. Bill Burr, who I saw on Thursday. I haven't heard it since I was eight.

Chuckle Storm. Bill Burr did a really good bit about ghosts and how people believe in them. And he thinks it's full of shit. Kind of like the story I just told. But he was making fun of people. They're like, I was. He's like, it always happens to somebody else. It's like my sister was brushing her teeth.

And then all of a sudden she just felt like a cold, a cold breath just on like her back. And nobody else was there. What else could it have been? It's like, so is that what a ghost does? uh breath just on like her back and nobody else was there what else could it have been it's like so is that what a ghost does like he just creeps around he's like like creeps away and like yeah i don't know like that's the thing like why would a ghost just move a crane yeah i don't know like i mean even if it is an unexplainable phenomenon why would it still have anything to do with the dead? Right, yeah. Do you guys like spooky movies? I do. Not a big fan, no.

What are you talking about, like Dreamgirls or something? Oh, do I like pussy? No. No, I don't. Go on. Are you going to talk about pussy? Are we at the pussy segment of the show? Pussy! There's a bunch of pussy running away.

Okay. What about you, Brandon? Yeah, you seem to be a horror guy. Yeah, I like scary movies. I love movies. Yeah? Yeah. You host a podcast called Brandon Loves Movies, right?

Close. It's close. It's called Shut Up, Josh. Oh, I don't like the name of that at all. I don't like that. I think you should change that. That's offensive. It's hard to find listeners because we're a movie review podcast and no one quite gets it. How about Podcastic?

I tell you what it would be, Podcastic, if you don't eat into the microphone. Don't do that. I'll turn your mic off. Brandon was nice enough. He was chewing gum, took his gum out before the podcast started. I've done this. This isn't my first podcast rodeo.

This isn't my first podcast rodeo. I have couth. Really? What other podcasts have you been on? I've been on Spill.com, a podcast called League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh. Yeah, you can Google that. I will.

Yeah. And we're actually starting our own podcast at Calling Me Funny. This is breaking news. Wow, here we go. That's smart. Breaking news. We're starting a podcast. This is breaking news. Wow. Here we go. That's smart. Breaking news. We're starting a podcast. You hear it.

First. The continued. Is that the MTV news thing? Can I hear it? With the Megadeth bass line. Let me hear it again. I can actually play it on bass if you want me to. Just do it with your mouth. First.

Hi, I'm Kurt Loder. Hi, I'm Kurt Loder. Kurt Cobain's dead. That's how he warms up. Kurt Cobain's dead. Kurt Cobain is dead. That's how he warms up. Kurt Cobain's dead. Kurt Cobain is dead. That's how he started every broadcast. Also, Garbage has a new record.

Now we're starting podcasts. How about this? What up, world? This is Sway. He was the worst. You guys remember Kennedy? That was my Kennedy impression. Oh.

I had a huge crush on Kennedy. She's on Stossel now on Fox News. What? I had a huge crush on Kennedy. Yeah, because she was like the punk rock. She's on Stossel now on Fox News. What? I had a huge crush on Kennedy. Yeah, because she was like the punk rock. She's hotter now, actually. She's hotter now? What is she?

She's on Fox News? Because she's a Republican. She's on Stossel. She's a kind of famous libertarian. Oh, okay. Okay, yeah. I heard about that, yes. I can see that.

I can see that. So that's why you find her more attractive. Some women look better in their 40s than their 20s. Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Yeah. Do you know her net worth, Josh? Yeah. Okay.

One dollar. Okay, Brennan. Yeah. Are you a believer in the supernatural? I'm going to tear him to fucking shreds here. Watch this. Here we go, buddy. Let's get him.

Come on. Let's hear it. I don't know. Two billion? One dollar. I don't think so. Okay. I believe in Bigfoot.

Right. Why Bigfoot? Too many sightings. There's too many sightings. I know people that live in the Pacific Northwest. But it's all anecdotal evidence. I mean, these are physical evidence. I know.

It's very hard. It's hard to prove that something's real when you've never found a body. Yeah. Why no body? Why no body? Why no skeleton? Why only one? Back when I did believe in that stuff, I do remember somebody pointing out that people rarely find bear carcasses either.

I mean, why? Think about the fact that. I don't know. I think they just get eaten really quickly. People don't. Or they go into like really secluded areas. People hardly find like people carcasses either when you die in like the woods. Like, you know, animals take care of that kind of shit pretty.

So, I mean, that's a possibility. You would think walking through the woods, there would just be dead animals everywhere. That's true. I guess they get eaten pretty quickly. Oh yeah, dead bear party up in here. All the raccoons. This bear is dead as shit.

Oh, damn. Fuck you, Grizzly. He was a real dick, too. I wonder why species don't eat their own dead You see it would seem like that would be pretty functional. It's not bad Is this I know way of trying to like warm us up to cannibalism? I know yeah, it's like sick with orgies, but different like Swing roofies were the first step in warming you up Oh boy, this is the first step in rationalizing it to myself. I know hey now

No, I I don't know. I don't think I believe in that. I used to. I've got weird ghost stories, too, just like everyone else. It's your one. Okay. Go ahead. Bring it.

I was making out with a girl in Lover's Lane, scratching at the door. I said, get out of here, ghosts. Right after my grandfather passed away when I was like 10, I was hanging out in my... You just got married. I was hanging out in my bedroom with my parents. And all of a sudden, our cassette deck player just started playing. And inside of the tape was like a Frank Sinatra tape.

It would take away from the story if it was like a frank sinatra tape oh i was gonna it would take away from the story if it was like the boy is mine by like that was grandpa's favorite song and no it was a frank sinatra tape and right i i mean you you're familiar with cassette decks like you can't just like you have to yeah there has to be some weight on that button there. Just started playing. Wow. Yeah. See, it's that type of thing. Like, you know, it makes me believe.

It makes me Fox Mulder want to believe. It's still anecdotal, though. And there's just, I mean, physical evidence is what we need to believe in something. Yeah. Boy, you're a joy to have around at a party. You don't believe anything unless you see it. So I was fucking this bit. Hey, that's anecdotal.

Raven's one. I mean, you can't take the time to analyze every single thing in life. I mean, you do have to trust your instincts to some degree. Sure. But if we're talking about the dead rising and being in the world of the living. You need some evidence. I'm with you. I'm with you. Absolutely. Let's get to this

Color Me Funny podcast. What's the plan? What are you guys going to do? I don't know if I want to unleash all of our plans. We have very strict... We can talk about the postal service. We operate on a tight lip like, like thing for our, our future plans. We don't just like throw our ideas out willy nilly.

That makes it fun, huh? Making it out there. But we're doing podcasts. Multiple. I can say this. In the coming future, in the near future. Yeah. We will be debuting what would be called the Color Me Funny Network.

Oh. CMF Network. Interesting. Can we call it CMFN? CMFN. CMFN? What about Color Me Tummy, CMT? We just want to change the whole thing?

Yeah. We'll color people's tummies. You know, fairs and things. Can we do like tiger prints and like cats? I'll talk to the other guys, but yeah, maybe. Okay. That sounds good. I think Greenway will be like into that.

I'll talk to them. We'll see. It'll be tough to get a paint for Fez. Look, I don't want to reveal all of our plans. We're pretty tight. Hey, as you know. We'll do a panda on thes it'll save it'll just be white paint oh buddy buddy he's black oh okay okay yeah you guys get it last time i checked black people have black i'm a black skin you paint paint white on them i've heard he's black anecdotally i don't believe

it i don't want to believe it. So multiple podcasts. Yes. I guess Mikhail's going to have a podcast maybe? No. Mike is going to have a podcast. Uh-huh. Are you guys all going to have your own? Is this going to be like Wu-Tang?

Like you do stuff together and then you put out solo albums? It's going to be like the Kiss solo albums? Because if so, I don't really know. Yeah, i'm ace freely oh uh that's a bad bad choice yeah i know it's better than me is it which wasn't the drummer peter chris oh yeah yeah i don't think his worked out either he had one hit though right wasn't a piano song that was a kiss song actually anecdotally uh i believe the the only popular single from those albums was from the ace freelyhley album. There's no evidence to support that.

Rumor has it. Rumor has it. Okay. So why would you guys all have different podcasts? You guys all going to have. You mean you're breaking up? No, no, not at all. You heard it first.

Color me funny breaking apart. Thanks for listening, everybody. No, no. What's the angle? I'm jealous of podcasts that have angles yeah um we have uh we just feel if we diversify our uh our audience we have a better chance of uh of gaining more listeners right oh what what does that mean it means if we have different types of podcasts and different types of shows but it's all under one banner of of the funny

network i like that we'll gain more. Now you see, now I'm telling you my business strategy. I know that's good. Now Dave chauffeur is going to have 12 podcasts immediately, but unfortunately they're all bringers. The podcast, they're all bringers.

You can't download it unless you get two other people to drink minimum on this podcast. And don't promote anything on, on the podcast. Don't, don't promote anything on the podcast. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Dave's been nice to me. I'll say that. Dave's been nice to me as well at times.

At times, yeah. Right on. Yeah, but we're going to be starting what's going to be called the Color Me Funny Network, and we're going to have different shows. They're all a little bit off but that so like i don't i don't like to i don't want to like promote too much but what we're doing because until things become tangible okay you know i don't like to announce things

until they become a little bit more tangible all right all right i don't announce like bigfoot until you have physical yeah i don't announce like giant fall tours. Oh. Until like in February. Oh, boy. Well, that's, that's, that. Again, if you want to talk about business strategy, not a good one. Yeah.

Not a good one because that's after the fall. Yeah. Yeah. I usually don't announce my birthday until like a week before. Well, I know what you mean. That's a good strategy. Yeah. That's good.

That's good. Yeah. Well, maybe we'll start a podcast network and.'ll diversify our listeners before you guys launch yours now that you've revealed your secrets. Or maybe we might be looking for the best Baltimore comedic interview. To pull into the Color Me Funny Network. I have heard that a little bookstore podcast is pretty good. A little bookstore? What's it called? Matty Pye's Podcast?

What? The guy that works at Sidebar. It's called like an odd looking bookstore or something like that. I have no idea what you're talking about. Anyway, it's Baltimore's premiere. I forget what it's called, but I like that guy. He's really nice. Yeah, he's nice. Yeah. Anyway, it's Baltimore's premiere. I forget what it's called, but I like that guy. He's really nice. Yeah, he's nice.

Yeah. Anyway, funny fella. So, yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Maybe we'll talk. Maybe my voice will get higher and we'll keep talking.

All right. And quickly, because I don't know, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for a little over a year and a half now. Wow. You guys are moving quite a long. Thanks. Yeah, because you're hosting a Magoobies. That's pretty rad. Yeah. Finally got my fucking foot in the door there.

Took a lot of... Every time I did something good for Andrew, I immediately rescinded it by just shitting on the floor or something. I like every time I did something good, I would immediately fuck it up. Like, okay. So Andrew is the owner of Magoobies, which is one of like the bigger clubs in the Baltimore area for those listening. So what do you mean? Uh, well, first time I, I won like the new talent, got a guest

spot, got my guest spot packed house. It was my 10th show ever. Who was headlining? T-Rex. Okay. Todd Rex. And Packed House. I hear he's really funny. He is very funny.

Yeah, he's friends with Doug Powell. Not the 70s band T-Rex. Or the dinosaur. The one guy from Jurassic. Why would you go? Your immediate jump is 70s band. Why did you connect those dots? Opening a show.

I'm going to go to the band before a dinosaur. Before an extinct creature. There's no tangible evidence. It's like King Kong or something where they're having a big premiere where they're presenting the giant ape. The world's first T-Rex called alive. And he's doing stand-up. You see me, these brontosaurus motherfuckers?

Yo, I got these little ass arms, yo. What am I supposed to do with these, man? Stegosaurus. More like Stegosaurus. Last time I fucking wanted to... Am I right? Am I right? Anyway, so you got your guest spot.

That's pretty good. Your 10th show. That's awesome. Yeah, so I went there, and I didn't know that comedy you needed to be funny. So I showed up. I tried all new material. I opened with a Martin Luther King joke. It was racist.

It just bombed my ass off. It was terrible. MLK was the worst. Am I right? What do you do for a living right ma'am it was like a week before marley the king day too by the way oh so it yeah it was i was trying to be topical but instead i was just blatantly racist right it was hard wow so that was one example and t-rex is a african-american fella yeah how'd that go over

oh it was terrible oh my god i mean he he mean, he was watching MMA in the green room, so he didn't see it. Okay. But Eric Frost saw it, and he laughed a lot at me. That's the worst. You don't want to make the comedians laugh that hard. No. Because normally if they're laughing that hard, they're laughing at you. Yes, yes.

It was bad. So that was one example of good thing completely erased by a bad thing. Right. Another one. But you didn't do it intentionally, which good no another one i'm okay you know another thing i uh malcolm x's birthday is coming up i'm doing a guest spot i'm thinking let's be topical who's that hand in my pocket so i start with that joke right chickens come home to roost um so uh community of the year competition uh right um it uh justin hancock from calling me funny yeah i were in one of the finals okay our and we

were we were about to move on to the next level and before uh the day before I had talked to him, I had said, look, if it comes down, if by some reason it comes down to one spot in the final finals and it's just me and you up on stage, I'm bowing out. Wow. Right? Because I don't want to compete with him. Because he's your friend? Yeah, yeah. Because we're friends. And I don't even want a hint of that type of animosity.

Yeah. Right? We build enough animosity working together, like, nonstop. I don't want that type of animosity. Sure. Right? So I told him that. So it gets to the show.

We both have pretty good sets. We're on stage. It happens. There's one spot left. It's just and justin on stage so uh i bowed out right i i and i just like i just tell i think finazza was hosting and i was just like i don't know jimmy merritt was hosting i was just like yeah i'm sorry i'm i i'm dropping out and he was just like uh okay uh brandon dropped out justin moves on i guess fucking i had a great set right did really well thinking andrew's gonna like that i did really well first thing he says to me is is you ruined my fucking drama you ruined my drama there's two guys on stage one spot you

ruined my fucking drama why'd you ruin my drama and i was was just like, he was so angry at me. Good thing. Yeah. Bad thing. And you were three steps towards two steps back. You were doing the right thing for your friend. Yeah. That sucks. He,

he, by the end of it, he didn't care though. Like he was just like, like you just, you ruined my drama. I couldn't believe like, like it's supposed to be drama on stage. Right.

This is all I have. No. Yeah. All I've got is drama. Yeah. Oh, This is all I have, Brandon. No. Yeah. All I've got is drama. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It sounds like a king in, like, you know, back in the day or, like, a rope. Like, you know, like, where's my drama?

Bring in my drama. The Jester has ruined my drama. Kill him. Bring Shakespeare back in. Thumbs down. Very confusing medieval times with Roman times. Yep. Mixing it all together.

That's how the railroad was built. And then we tried to book Joe Mattarese for a Color Me Funny room. I don't know if you guys know Joe Mattarese. Name rings a bell. Very funny comic, 20 years in. Been on Letterman a handful of times. Got his own podcast called fixing joe okay very funny guy uh-huh very good good comedian too right yeah so you don't like this fellow we

locked a deal to book to have him come in to headline both color me funny are two two are two bigger rooms yeah andrew nixed it and so now i'm tied to like this terrible i was tied to like this you're trying to fuck me over thing but after we eventually smoothed that over oh good he nixed it what do you next he by the time he was not involved in color me funny shows is he what andrew no no he nixed it by by saying that joe matterice headlines mcgoobies i see he's not yeah he doesn't want to he doesn't want to pull that audience there yeah like he explained it to me and i completely understood once he explained it to me yeah but i had still had to dig myself out of that fucking crater again not absolutely i've now bombed

tried to steal one of his headliners, and ruined his drama. Worst of all, ruined his drama. Drama ruiner. He seems like an intense guy. The few times that I've met him, he's been nice, but he's a business owner. A lot of moving parts there. He's very scatterbrained.

Very nice. He's one of the club owners that really wants to help comics, and he'll give you your opportunity if you... Blow him. Well, he's pretty dirty. But no, he'll give comics opportunities, but if you're not ready, he's not...

He doesn't seem to sugarcoat anything. Fuck no. And that's for the betterment of everyone. You're a straight shooter. That's for the betterment of everyone, honestly. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Have you guys done? No, I haven't done my goobies.

I'm thinking about. I've done improv there. Yeah, I've done improv there a few times. I've never tried to do stand-up. I'm thinking about doing one of the new talent whatever. Yeah, I should probably do that at some point. You know, honestly, honestly though like you should just hit them up for a guest spot really than do the new talent really i mean just i don't really want

to bring you do you think you can bring seven people i would i wouldn't five people if i tried hard i mean i could but i don't know if i would want to do that yeah people through it i mean you could you could immediately sign up for a guest I don't know if there's that many women in my mom's book club. What about skeptics? Do you think some of your skeptic friends would come out?

I don't have skeptics. I heard Mike's funny. I don't believe it. I need proof. Well, let's go to Magoobies then. It'll be research. Maybe we'll find his body.

Maybe he's Bigfoot. Who knows? Two for one. I hear they don't find bodies at comedy clubs. Andrew gets rid of them. Run a business. I want drama, but not that much. Not that much drama?

Tone it down. No, you guys should just hit him up for a guest spot. I mean, it's going to take longer, but rolling the dice that A, you're going to be able to bring the people. B, you're going to do well, like win or have a really great set. Or the biggest one, that he'll even be there. A lot of times he doesn't go to the new talent.

Right, right. And the thing about the new talent is sometimes it's not the best person that wins. It's the person with the most people, right? Yeah, because they do it off of audience applause. You know, you brought 12 people and they're going nuts. It's more like 40. People will bring like 40 people.

Yeah, I saw a contest with that guy, The Creature, where he won because he had like 30 people. It was insane. Oh, yeah. He won because it had nothing to do with sheer talent. Oh, well, that was a part of it. Creatures got okay jokes. They're kind of crowd-pleasing jokes. They're not comedian jokes.

Right. It's kind of like street jokes a little bit. But Andrew, I've met him a few times hanging out with Fonazo there, and then I recorded Mike Stork performing there a couple times. Yeah. And Andrew does the announcements normally in the beginning of the show. out with finazzo there and then i recorded mike stork performing there a couple times yeah and uh andrew does the announcements normally in the beginning of the show like there's a sound booth that's like way at the top and uh so they play music and it's only like hey ladies and gentlemen

welcome to goobies blah blah and there's a funny moment where the guy that was featuring nobody knew any of his like credits and they want to give credit and say like oh you've seen him on this and he performed there give credit or credit to do and uh mike slurk is like frantically looking on his phone for anything this guy's done and andrew's like being like the uh the cordial host you know like the voice everybody hears you can't see him he's like ladies and gentlemen welcome to my goobies let me hear you get that guy's fucking information, please. I hope everybody's ready to have a great time tonight. Right fucking now. It was like, whoa, that guy's intense.

Yeah. But it was still funny because the crowd probably had no idea. And he's just like, give me his fucking information. Yeah, I'm going to be hosting Weekend Amigubi's June 6th, 7th, and 8th. Nice. Who's the headliner? Shang. Shang, okay.

Not to be confused with Shang Tsung. Okay, or Shanghai. No. Okay. Neither a fictional... Or Shang Ferguson. Or town. Either a fictional video game or the giant city of Shanghai.

Okay. That's a good booking for the city. The city of Shanghai. Okay. That's a good booking for the city. The city of Shanghai will not be there. Let's just make that clear. No, they will not. Yeah, Shang's a headliner. Eric Frost is the feature. Very nice.

I'm hosting. Very nice. Five shows. Wow. Hopefully I make it five shows. Damn. That's awesome, man. I'm thinking about trying that MLK joke.

Yeah. Hey, drive it. Let's hear it. You have five opportunities. You don't want's hear it. You have five opportunities. By the time you get to the fifth show, it'll be... I am terrified that I'm going to be fired midway. Because there are some horror stories about guys getting fired midway through. Oh, yeah.

That has to be brutal. I'd go home and cry my brains out. I'm going to walk on stage. First thing I'm going to say, any faggots here? Good, because I'm gay. You should say that. You should win them over. Yeah, that's good.

Hey, black. You're pointing at Shang. I don't know if Shang's black. He is. I assume. I assume correctly. Why would you think he's black? I thought he was a nice Jewish fella.

No, but wouldn't Asian be the first? I'm trying to think how many. There are not a lot of Asian comedians. Not a lot of Asian comedians. And if there is an Asian comedian, Shang I feel like would be well known for some reason. Hello, I'm Shang. That's a great black accent. That was really good.

With the funny accent. Nothing more hilarious than that. Yeah, so that's happening accent. Motherfucker. Nothing more hilarious than that. Yeah. Yeah. So that's happening soon. Fantastic. Cool. Anything else?

So Colormefunny, is it md.com? Colormefunnycomedy.com. Colormefunnycomedy.com. We put on shows. We do web shorts. Have you guys watched our web shorts? I have worn web shorts. I've seen the Spider-Man web shorts.

Yes, they're funny and your production value is good. I really like the one where it's Kim and Justin and she keeps guessing what he's going to say. Cool. Yeah, I wrote that one. Really?

That was really good. Thank you. The racist fella? The latest one? Is that the latest one? Yeah, I wrote that one. Really? Yeah. That was really good. Thank you. Nice. The racist fella? The latest one? Is that the latest one? Yeah, yeah. That one, Mike wrote. Yeah? You like that one?

Yeah, I do. That's good. That's good. Yeah, they seem to, I think it's awesome that you guys are doing, putting them out, what, like every week? Biweekly. Biweekly. Still, that's a lot of effort.

That is a lot. I made one sketch once, and it took, I think, like a year. You have to be consistent. Right. That's what I think. I'm going to try to get into that. I think Alex and I are going to start writing a lot more. Alex, Braslovsky, and I.

Well, then I am not giving any more details. Oh, boy. Because our goal is to crush all competition. Okay. Okay. World domination. We just want to work with everybody and have fun. No, no, no, no.

Eugenics. Oh right i haven't read the book i've seen the movie which is good i hear the books uh eugenics the film no we um i'm huge in x guy has huge genics what What if I changed my name? I would like that. What would you do? I don't know. No, if I could give any advice to people doing a sketch is to be consistent. No, that's what it seems like.

Constantly put stuff out. You're going to get better, yeah. Because, I mean, the more you much as it's about consistency is what audiences want to see. Yeah, that's why I wear that same thing every day. They're like, black shirt, that's our man. We love him. I'm telling you, there's something psychological about it. People want consistency. Yeah, that's why I like cartoons so much.

Their outfits never change. I like the Friday the 13th films. i love the friday 13th movies um yeah we're trying to put this podcast out every monday but even that's a pain in the ass sometimes but uh yeah i think how much of your time we've been talking for a while so we'll let you get out of here soon but while we're on the subject um how much of your time is dedicated to Color Me Funny stuff versus sketches, booking, making flyers? Me, personally? Yeah. Because you show up to a lot of the shows that you're not even performing at, right?

I think I probably put in 40 to 60 hours a week. Really? 32 minutes. Jesus Christ. I'm serious. Yeah, no, I believe it. The couple shows that I've done and gone to that were Color Me Funny related,

you were there. I've only missed seven of our shows. Jesus Christ. And, yeah, a couple were because I was sick, and a couple because I had other shows. Now, is that, like, the kind of control freak in you a little bit? You just want to make sure everything's...

Yeah, I'm definitely a control freak. Yeah. Yeah, if you have the other guys on, they'll talk about that. But it seems like you kind of need that, though, like within a group of five guys. Even like getting together and, you know, writing with just one friend, it's really easy to kind of like fuck off and shoot the shit. Yeah, I know the other guys like...

Like, I know that they... sometimes I can really grade on them because they want to just kind of bullshit around. But I know that they understand that, like, you need someone to push. Yeah. Because a lot of times creative-minded people aren't exactly the most, like, you know. Driven. Yeah. Well, I mean, you can be driven, but you're the most, like, you know. Driven. Yeah. Well, I mean, you can be driven, but you're driven in, like, a million different directions at once. Yeah.

And then nothing gets done. Yeah. I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Friday the 13th. All right. Yeah. Why do you wear a bag on his head for a whole movie?

That would be. I thought that was a cool thing. Yeah. They brought it back in the remake. Yeah. They brought it back. Yeah. They brought it back.

Thank you. My favorite part was in part three where the popcorn is popping back in the remake. They brought it back. They brought it back. Thank you. My favorite part was in part three where the popcorn is popping up at the screen. Yeah. It's like they have like random 3D effects that don't work at all on video. It's like they finished the movie and went, fuck, it's in 3D. Do a bunch of stuff in post. It wasn't even like blood. It wasn't even like horror stuff coming at the screen.

They would just randomly have somebody like juggling on the screen or like sticking a pole into the space. Did a snake jump out? Yeah, I think there was a snake. Yeah, the popcorn one. That was the best. Just all of a sudden, it's like a hard cut. Just popcorn popping. I remember seeing that as a kid and being like,

this must have been in 3D. They're sticking a lot of stuff towards the screen for no reason. Anyway, digression session. No. Yeah, I'm definitely, I am a control freak. Absolutely. But in a good way. It seems like you're guiding all of your energy into the proper channels, though.

I try. Yeah. And that into the proper channels, though. I try. Yeah. And that's the vibe I was getting. It's like, oh, Brandon guy. He seems to be the – he's good at corralling, I think. Yeah. I've always been, like – because I used to do music. Before this, I was in a lot of bands.

Okay. And before that, I do, like, theater. And I've always been the glue right same with bands i've i've kind of been that way too you'll you probably could speak to this mic like playing together it's like all right i see what everybody's doing but if we could all just do this yeah well that's more that's more the creative glue well it's like the guy who makes sure everybody's there on time well it's kind of this oh shit it's kind of the same thing i think though because it's like all right i know what you're good at if i could put you here this you focus on this we work on this so yeah i think the band thing that's probably really good

yeah actually because it's kind of the same thing you have you know four or five guys that are all worried about just themselves and kind of fucking off yeah i i like it doing music i was always really like i i'm i don't think I'm the most talented person. Absolutely. Not in color me funny. I don't think I'm the funniest comic. I don't think. We don't think so either. Most don't.

Just kidding. And, but like, I always, always been the, the, like, and in music, I've definitely wasn't the most talented guy. I've always, I'm the guy that like pulls everything together and orchestrates things. The jack of all trades. Yeah, that's what I do, too, with all these instruments around. I'm pretty mediocre at everything. I would say you're the best drummer around. I'd say you're pretty darn good at everything, especially songwriting.

Thanks, buddy. But you're definitely probably the best drummer I've ever played with. Oh, thank you, fella. He's only played with two drummers. One was his mom, being nice. And there was a pot and pan set. And he was three. Yeah.

But I think that came from not only just like really enjoying music, but it was like playing. And you're like, oh, I wish this person would play this. But you can't describe it to them. So that's how I would learn. So I could be like, oh, do this. No, I'm the fucking best mouth drummer. Like, alright,

here's how it goes. So the breakdown needs to go like, and then you hit, like, I need a China. Yeah. Dirty China. Shanghai. Yeah. Dirty China. Ba-da-ba-ba. Ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Shanghai. Ba-ba-ba-ba.

Shanghai. Yeah. I'm the best mouth drummer. And then I've always been lucky. Like a drummer, we go, okay, I can do that. Yeah. So it's like a ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Yeah.

Yes. There it is. There we go. Yeah. I'm the same way. Yeah. And yeah, that's awesome that you. And that's how I tell Justin how to do his jokes as well.

I'm like, all right, so what you need to do is you need to go, ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-dick joke. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-pussy. Black people. There it is. Nailing it. Nailing it. Well, Brandon, we've been talking for a while.

We can probably talk. We'll have you back for sure. No. Okay. All right. Anyway. I'm glad you came this one time. At least we'll have this on record. Yeah, yeah.

And Mike and I were lucky enough that you guys invited us to be at Sean Bolin's. Yep. June 18th, Tuesday, free show. You've been there lucky enough to have us. Tuesday, June 18th. I keep reversing. At Sean Bolin's in Bel Air. They're lucky to have us.

Yes. Showtime is at 9 p 18th. I keep reversing. At Sean Bolins in Bel Air. They're lucky to have us. Yes. Showtime is at 9 p.m. 9 p.m. Who else we got on the bill? Are you trying to book other digression sessions, guests? Chris Hudson told me he's doing it. I can look at my phone, and I will tell you. I have all the answers.

Brian Dunning from Skeptoid will do it. That would be great. I have all the answers. Brian Dunning from Skeptoid will do it. That would be great. I have all the answers. Dentist appointment, 4pm. That guy's hilarious. That's also on the 18th. Love that guy. Chris Hudson, Drew Cush,

Mark Miller, Kathy Carson, Matt Stovall. So other than this Cush fella. MC'd by Mike Turpin. Nice. I think that Mike was. So it's a full Digression Sessions cast other than General Kush. Okay, I was going to say, I think Mike was trying to keep a motif,

but then forgot that he had put Kush on that show. I think before he had you guys. That's cool. So we're hoping he dies. Well, he's got a cushy spot. We're hoping he dies, and then we could have Jason Weems. That would be great. We're off to the side like, hey, keep it type 5, pal.

Type 5 Weems. You already got the light Weems. Don't run it. Don't run it. Don't run it, buddy. Yeah, so I'm looking forward to that. You guys are funny. Thank you.

On stage. Not conversational. Grading would be the word I would choose. We're cheesy. Frustrating would be the second. Racist would be the third. Handsome would be the fourth. That'll be my first quote-unquote feature set.

Well, don't fuck it up. See how long the old Katerna boy can go. You know, one of the things I'm really proud about about Color Me Funny shows is that we're tired of all the rigmarole and the ball gargling that you need to do to gain a little bit of stature in more comedy. Some of us like the ball gargling.

The dirty gargle. The dirty, dirty gargle. Dirty gargle. It sounds like a southern hip-hop dance. Dirty, dirty gargle. Dirty, dirty gargle. You just pretend you're gargling.

Glove. Yeah, no, I really do think that's awesome. Like, you guys, like, your shows have, you know, five or six comedians on there, and it's cool. Like, you don't seem to discriminate between, like, people wanting to, like, try it their first time or even do it three or four times. So now, yeah, we, we, we try to give people and we're, you know, we're not bringing our shows. We're not drink minimum shows. We don't hassle you comic run rooms. Yeah. So hit these guys up. And, uh, also, yeah. Thanks for, uh, thanks for doing the show. Thank you for having me. And, uh, yeah, you must, uh, yeah you must dedicate a lot of time to the Color Me Funny, especially with all these assholes breaking the record for the longest Color Me Funny performance.

I thought he only said he does 40 to 60 hours a week. No. Well, when people are breaking the record. Yeah, we've had Joe Welke and Eric Frost forever going back and forth with the record. Yeah. And then we just recently had Fonazo who sealed the record. What are you guys talking about? We have a record for the longest set.

Headlining set, yeah. Longest headlinings. Who did it? Well, Eric Frost had it for a while. Uh-huh. And then Joe Welke broke it. How long? And then Frost broke his.

And then Welke broke that. How long? And then Frost broke it, his. And then Welke broke that. Wow. And then it's an hour and now it's an hour and four minutes. Yeah, that was Fonazo. He was recording his album. And he didn't do it intentionally. He just kind of finished up. Didn't you say you had like 10

minutes and you could break it? So he's like, yeah, fuck it. I'll do 10 minutes. So I've seen your guys set. I'm hoping that we stick to a tight 15. Yeah. I'm going for the longest feature set. Aren't you kind of worried that everybody's going to be trying to break your record? Well, we have instituted a new rule where we don't tell every headliner what the record is.

So they just have to shoot as long as humanly possible. No, no. What we do is we say, like, I'll light you at 25. You got the green light to go. If you're feeling it, you can go as long as you'd like. But certain people will tell what the record is. Certain people, no one wants to see an hour. Yeah.

On a Tuesday night. Some people don't have hours. Exactly. Right. Fonazo's got an hour. There's people born without hours. Yeah, Fonazo had it. Mike Moran.

There are kids in Cambodia without hours. We're taking all of them. I really want you to do the longest feature set, by the way. How long would it have to be? No, I want you to do an hour. I want you to do an hour. I want you to do an hour in five minutes. I'm just sweating. Everybody's gone.

I'm doing crowd work with the wait staff. Don't you walk away. Come back here. Mike still has to go on after you. Hey, follow that, pal. I just crushed. Thank you. 1-0-5. They're turning the lights off.

We're probably going to record the intro to this episode right after we're done. crushed. Thank you. 105. They're turning the lights off. Alright. We're probably going to record the intro to this episode right after we're done. What do you want us to plug in the beginning? Plug member of Color Me Funny. I got it. Colormefunnycomedy.com. Colormefunnycomedy.com. Comedy shows, web shorts.

All at colormefunnyComedy.com. You're on Twitter. What's your... I don't do Twitter. Okay. Well, ColormeFunny does, right? Honestly, we do, but we don't use it. I don't know.

Hey, if you're trying to build this empire, Twitter's important? I don't use it, so that's why I need to get one. It's like the aqueducts. I need to get one of the other guys. Yeah. We need to build aqueducts now? No, it's like the aqueducts were to the Roman Empire. The Twitter is to the comedy empire.

Yeah, we've all heard that before. Don't be weird. Don't be weird. Don't be weird. I'd like to see you watch the History Channel. Yeah. All right. Ancient aliens built the aqueducts.

Duh. Duh. Actual ducks built the aqueducts. Aquatic ducks. What will they think of next? All right. Thank you, Brandon. Thanks, man.

This was a lot of fun. Jesus. Oh, my God. That went horribly. Longest podcast. Thank you.