The Digression Sessions - Ep. 8 2 Hosts 1 Cup 1 Grossed-out Dan Lisle w / Dan Lisle

Episode Date: October 24, 2011

Dan Lisle - comedian, improviser, hand model, romance novel writer, musician, lover - joins Josh and Mike to discuss his wild life as a Jewish Sunday School teacher, Paris Hilton's brown eye, and his fear of the Oscar winning films such as "2 Girls 1 Cup" and "2 Guys 1 Horse." AND, this episode was too much for garage band and craps out on us about 55 mins into the ep....DANG YOU GARAGE BAND!! @danlisle, @michaelmoran10, @jkuderna on the twitters LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE, PLEASE. THANKS!

Oh shit. Oh no. You did not. I did. No you didn't. This is the intro music. Oh digression sessions. Digression sessions. It's another one y'all. Here's the funny thing about digression sessions is that you can't find a third word to rhyme with those. That's right, Mike. Bringing the funny already. Oh, shit. Here we go. Oh. Yeah.

That's another classic. I can't take any more funk. All right. We'll bring it down. Funky. Oh, my God. Too funky. Too much funk.

Too funky. I smell it, too. I smell it, I smell it too well how are you Mike thanks for coming over on this lovely Sunday thank you how are you

good good good woke up a little late kind of feel like an asshole woke up at noon why does that make you feel like an asshole if anything I would say

that would make you feel like a slothful um gluttonous loser yeah not an asshole not an asshole just a fucking jerk yeah just missing out on most of the day that's all you're saying you agree with henry rollins that laziness is a form of selfishness

yeah me and henry have talked about that many times and uh h roll as i call him months is a big fan of henry rollins that's why she's getting all noisy. He answered my email once. That's right, yeah. What did you ask him? Nothing. I just told him some stuff. Stuff about you. My favorite color is black.

I have glasses. I'm a big fan. That's cool, Mike. I write Full House fanfic. Wanted to get the Full House reference in there. Yeah, you got it in early too. That's good. Well, we've got a guest here currently wrestling with my dog.

Something just shot out of your dog's mouth. I hope it wasn't a tooth. No, I'm pretty sure it was cotton. It might have been a tooth. Those are just adolescent tooths. Toothed. You gotta get rid of them tooths. Thanks.

Dan just broke the toy. Thanks, Dan. Our guest, Dan Lyle, everybody. Breaker of dog toys. Dan is in the house. Welcome to the house. Thanks. Thanks.

Don't break too many toys, though. I know that's your rep. Right. Well, being the breaker of toys, it's kind of embarrassing if you don't break a toy. It's like an 80s or 90s band touring and not playing their big hit. Right. Everybody's waiting for it, and then they just don't play it. You feel a little disappointed.

She's my cherry pie. That's all I came for. Well, there's a warrant out for you. Am I right? Oh, my God. Hey, that last joke really took me down. Janie Lane. You get a memory.

Lane, Jane. Silly singer. A warrant. He died a few months ago. Yeah, too soon. Dan. Too soon. The man.

Lyle. Too soon because most people don't know who Warrant is still. No. But they will in the future. It's like Bill and Tantex and Adventure the future it's like building an adventure except it's a war in class the band this podcast will put them on the map i'm pretty sure lots of listeners lots of listeners especially in heaven yeah are you that guy well actually do you think the singer from warren is in heaven i'll just i'll open this up to both of you guys

well i think that if you believe in heaven, then yes, the singer from Warren would definitely be there. But no, no, of course he's not in heaven because there's no such thing as heaven. Okay, silly question. Would he go to heaven, though? Were the Christian heaven? Oh, absolutely. All dogs go to heaven. There's a movie that tells you that.

Yeah, you haven't seen the documentary, All Dogs Go to Heaven? I saw it in the theater, actually, in elementary school. Was it sad? there's a movie that tells you that yeah you haven't seen the documentary all dogs i saw in the theater actually in like elementary school oh was it sad i don't remember no didn't leave an indelible i really don't remember anything i remember there being some song that i used to know the lyrics of but i can't remember them now yeah it's very young were there's there's songs in that i don't remember there's definitely at least one song. Right. I had to watch that movie a ridiculous amount of times when I worked in a nursery school. Who let you work in a nursery school?

You worked in a nursery school. You're a toy-breaking machine, and you're working in a nursery. It was before I... And a child molester. Not to mention your enjoyment of molesting kids. Right, right. Well, that's probably where it started.

Sure. I mean, every criminal act has a genesis. Sure. Act. Obsession. Obsession. Can we not? Every criminal has a Sega Genesis.

We're all on board. Cain and Abel. Yep. Cain and Ab yep cane and able and cane and able was my sega genesis and i cane enable that behavior but i won't okay good thanks mike no problem i think the worst slogan for a company i've ever seen or at least the most obnoxious is like cane something, something. There's trucks that are for like cane and company. Oh, with the giant orange K? I believe so. And the slogan is cane is able. Oh, that's horrible.

That's pretty lame. Horrible. Yeah. Just sitting in the boardroom like, what is our slogan? Cane is possible. Cane can do. Cane is Leviticus. Cane is Jesus. No. Let Leviticus. Cain is Jesus.

No. Let's order Chinese food and think about this. All right. Dan Lyle, sitting here, happily sitting here with his Burger King drink. When's the last time you didn't have a goatee, Dan? 2001. Really? Because I'm thinking about growing one.

The towers came down and the goatee came down. I'm thinking about shaving it. growing one the towers came down I'm thinking about shaving yeah the towers came down I shaved I took pictures at every stage to remind myself why shaving was a bad idea and then I promptly grew it back before evening

wow that's quick 9-11 was a difficult day for everyone more so for me because I had to grow a beard. Right. And everyone you ran into, you thought that's what their sadness was about. Like, did you hear? You're like, yeah. I shaved.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can see how the two chops could represent the Twin Towers. The stash represents the Pentagon. And the big mess at the bottom represents Pennsylvania. Wait, big mess? Well, you know, the big mess at the bottom represents Pennsylvania. Wait, big mess? Well, you know, the big furry field at the bottom. Big mess at the bottom is actually my nickname for my penis.

Oh, I've got to get a symbol in here. Where is that going like that? All right, Dan, so thanks for coming over. You're an improviser, right? Sure. What do you mean, sure?'re an improviser. Right? Sure. What do you mean sure? Of course you are. Yes.

And so is Mike. Who? And so are you. Who? This Mike? Yeah, that Mike. No. Yep.

Wow. Well, he hangs out with improvisers on stage. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. Comedian. Stand-up variety. I challenge him to justify the worst offers imaginable. That's my job.

Oh, I thought you were going to do it right now. Can you do one real quick? All right. Hey, guys, how does it feel to not exist and not be able to talk? See, you just negated me. You just negated me. I think I did a great job You did You existed

And I didn't talk Or was that the sound of an empty void? Oh How do you know that was me existing? Oh, this shit's getting deep Yeah, take it back to That book About improvising

Boom Take it back Dan I book about improvising. Boom. Take it back, Dan. I took it. The toy breaker. It's been taken back. Nice. And you're a stand-up comedian.

Yeah. Yeah. A stand-up comedian. What else? Anything else? I'm judging by that tattoo of a guitar-looking thing. I play some music. That you are a stand-up comedian. That you like tattoos.

Also, I'm an ordained reverend in the Universal Life Church. Get out of town. With five weddings under my belt. Damn. What's the success rate? Are they all still married? Probably. What color belt is that? Probably.

You're not very involved. In one of them, I am not involved at all. They were a couple of kids in Dundalk putting out on Craigslist on Wednesday, is there anyone who can marry us legally on Saturday? And I said, I'll do it for 50 bucks. And when I got there, it was... Wait, so were you just trolling Craigslist for these ads, or did they contact you? I was...

Trolling might be the wrong term. Yeah, trolling's the wrong it's like it's like i don't like the either or there uh i was looking at craigslist for in general probably and there was an ad it's not like there's a special right um god works in mysterious ways let's just wrap you know right sure god you know You know the Bible doesn't say that. That's because it's mysterious. If it said that, that would be... Why does he have to act in such mysterious ways? Why is that a prerequisite? He has to...

Why can't he just be obvious about things? He loves old school detectives. Yep. And he loves capes. Smoke bombs. Smoke bombs. And it's the thing you do what you love god loves the mysterious why would he not live his life right hates fags loves mystery right hates fags loves mystery yeah that was in uh that's in the bible i'm pretty sure that's the biggest i'm pretty sure yeah sure he uh i believe

i believe that i'll believe that god was actually modeled after raymond chandler's philip marlo character that they made philip marlo who was a cool detective yes and then when it came time to make god they were like let's give him all the attributes of Philip Marlowe. So who invented God right there? What was that character? Can we just break it down? What was that character? Who invented God?

Let's see. St. Augustine invented hell. I guess it was before that. I think God was invented probably by some nondescript guy called Stanley or something. Stanley. Stanley. You know, if anybody was going to invent God,ondescript guy called Stanley or something. Stanley. Stanley. Inviter Spider-Man.

You know, if anybody was going to invent God, I bet it would be Stanley. God. He'll be God. He can smite you. He can bring life. It'll be great. Right.

He'll have flippers. And so he can have a normal life. He walks around as a carpenter's son. That's why he has to be mysterious, because he's a superhero. You can't have your identity get out there. Mary Magdalene. That's a comic book name be mysterious, because he's a superhero. You can't have your identity get out there. Mary Magdalene.

That's a comic book name if I've ever heard one. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Prostitute. The only person who knows his true identity. Right. Yep, his woman. But Jesus was, I mean, if he was Superman, he'd be like going and telling everybody that he was, that'd be like Clark Kent, like coming to your mound and being like, hey, I'm Superman.

Yeah, well. You know, not to break this, I'm Superman. Yeah, well, not to break this. I'm sorry to interrupt, but not to break this down too biblically. But when I was a Sunday school teacher. Wow. You were a Sunday school teacher as well. What? But you're a Jew. It was Jewish Sunday school.

I believe Jews celebrate Saturday as the Sabbath. That's right. And you don't do work on the Sabbath. So Sunday school. You just drink blood. Christian blood. And listen to Pantora. Babies. Christian babies drink blood. Christian blood. And listen to Pantora. Christian baby's bloods and Pantora. Pantora.

That's the Jewish Pantera cover band, right? Yeah. Actually, we're all members. I'm in the tribe of Pantora. Okay. There's 12 tribes of Judaism, and so we're all members of the band. I'm well aware that there's 12 tribes of Judaism. Tribe one.

We admitted that we were powers over tribes. You're what you're well aware of. And that our tribes have become unmanageable. Yeah, the band. I'm well aware that there's 12 tribes. Tribe one. We admitted that we're powers over tribes. You're well aware of. And that our tribes have become unmanageable. Yeah, that was, I'm sorry. There's a tribe called Quest. There's Mantora. There's a tribe called Quest.

Name all the tribes quickly, Dan. One. Bab al-Rush. Two. Tribe of Tears. Three. Comanche. Four.

Leviticus. Five. Dominatrix. Six. Man. Seven. Manja Tears. Three. Comanche. Four. Leviticus. Five. Dominatrix. Six. Man. Seven. Manja Manja. Eight.

Googly Moogly. Nine. Zoolander. Ten. Tribe Called Quest. Eleven. Uno Mas. I started with one before.

One more tribe. Tribe of Twelve. Wow, that was horrible. I'm glad I could be here with my A-game. We'll edit all that out. That's alright. That's alright. Can I stand? Sure. Yeah, you want to raise the microphone? Is that good? Yeah, I'm not a sitter

and I think that's affecting my... Alright, yeah, you can stand. This is going to be a little intimidating. I think this is the first time we've had a stand-up guest. Standing room only, right? I don't know why it would be intimidating. I smell a name for this podcast. This is only the second time, though, that we've had a guest give us the finger the entire time, though.

Who else did? Umar. Umar gave us the finger the whole time, was plotting our death. Mike Bowen of the Auto Bar was doing some pretty rude things. And Butt Steak. Butt Steak, yep. Urinated on the floor while we were recording. Threw out a copy of the Koran.

I mean, yeah, Koran. Threw it the fuck out. I just combined the Torah and the Koran accidentally. I meant to say Torah. Torahan. Yeah. Torah, Torah, Koran. I knew a guy in elementary school,

his last name was Torahan, and had I had any idea he was holy, I would have treated him a little bit better. That's shallow, though. You should have just treated him well to begin with. I know. You can't just treat people holy in the hopes that they're angels in disguise. You have to start somewhere.

That's true. That's true. All right, Dan, before the mics got hot, before the official start of the show, you were telling us an improv story? You did improv? Oh, I did a horrible thing. Did a horrible thing? Can you tell us this horrible thing?

Sure. So it was a stand-up. Yeah. I told a joke that didn't go over. Now I'm sitting again. I like that you're sitting down to tell a stand-up joke. I told a joke that didn't go over. What was the joke?

You know, I'm not really comfortable saying it. Oh, come on. Because it's not there yet, obviously. Was it the crab joke? I know, I'm sorry. No, the crab joke went over great. Okay, I like the crab joke. The crab joke went over great.

I'm sorry. Tell the crab joke. Do all your material for us right now. Go. Hi, my name is Dan. Hey, Dan. So the crab joke is based on the fact that I'm going to be running a 5K for cancer research, to promote cancer research, because specifically my friend, Mrs. Crab, was recently diagnosed with a lump.

A jumbo lump. That's the crap joke. So anyway, I told a joke that didn't work. And Nick Devins, for some reason, that stage is one of the only stages I get nervous on. I don't know if it's because... Have I been to Nick Devins? Nick Devins? Yeah, it's where I did that character that time before. Oh, that weird

like open oh yeah so the audience is filled with um the audience is filled with kickball players from a rec league who have just gotten there right so they're not here to sit and listen to what this guy's saying but they're ready to drink comedian is one foot away from the first person. Right. So it's a loud bar. Nobody's paying attention. And my joke, I was doing okay. I didn't really come prepared, but I was doing okay.

And then something fell completely flat. And I just forgot everything. And I mentioned the fact that my grandmother is the smartest woman I know now that she's dead. Which was a funny thing to say, but I don't know what that means. So then I said, I contact her via seance. I go to a woman called Madam Casanova. And I started telling the story about the last time. She makes me get completely naked and sit Indian style.

And I drink 16 shots of whiskey quickly. And then usually when I wake up, my butt hurts. But she has an important message for me from my nana. And the last one was. And you're telling me this didn't go over. I'm telling you this didn't go over and I'm telling you this didn't go over what? and so I'm doing this

Madame Casanova impression which is just some character I'm making up on the spot with nothing I was improvising without somebody else

there to yes and right kudos for going out on that limb though I want to start doing that what for having a comedy seizure? that's what it was

I was not in control for jumping out and doing improv during a stand-up set. That is ultimately what I would like to be able to do. And giving it a try like that is something I should be doing, even if it bombs. If you have a reason to do it. Well, I think every comedian has a reason to do it if you can. I mean, you have to be able to justify it to the audience.

See, I just came out and started doing this horrible, well, I was doing a bit. Yeah, I don't know about improvising a bit on stage. I think more, you know, like interacting with the audience and coming up with things, you know, like ideas and stuff. But, yeah, I don't think I would make up a story on this. Let me tell you something that never happened. You know,

if it was phone sex, it would be awesome. I'm really good at that. I could just be with the audience. I will. Let's give us, give us a dose of that. My hands are sliding slowly up your chest.

I know they are, but, but give us a dose of the phone sex thing. Oh, sorry. That's my favorite kind of joke. I feel like my operator's performance was really phoned in. Oh, goodness.

So you taught Sunday school? Yeah, I taught Sunday school for a couple of years. Yeah? After I went through Sunday school. How old were you? Nepotism. Oh. My mom was the principal of the Sunday school and the principal of the nursery school, which

is how I got a job at a nursery school for a couple of years. Wow, your mom's like your Jewish agent, getting you all these sweet gigs. You mean her, his agent. Yeah. Sorry. That was redundant. I think it's implied. My momager. Yeah. Sorry. That was redundant. I think it's implied. My momager?

Yeah. I heard somebody say that. Yeah. Yeah? So that's how I taught Sunday School. I taught Bible stories. Dan, I'm going to need you to turn that mic. Yeah.

It's only picking up sight. Is that good? Yeah. Okay, cool. Only the Old Testament, right? Only the Old Testament because I'm pretty sure most Jews believe the New Testament's... Bunk. I wouldn't say bunk, but...

It's bunk. In levels of realism and importance, it's just below the Lord of the Rings. But the Old Testament... The New Testament... Adam and Eve is like, you know, they could be blood in its realism. I mean, there will be blood or like, you know, the movie Kids. It's like the docudrama of ancient texts. That's what the snake said.

I got no legs. I got no legs. Could you imagine Adam like afterwards like, what the fuck do you mean? You took an apple from a snake. Do you realize what you've done to everyone forever? Well, that's because God didn't say don't eat the mushrooms. Good call. You should write that down.

It's funny. I just recorded it. So what is your take on the Old Testament then? Oldie but a goodie. Part history, part parable, part... Sure. I don't really have a scholarly point of view. Well, you taught it for two years.

I did. I taught stories from it. But what are you asking, whether I believe in it? No. Good. Because that's not a fun conversation. It's not the way I remember it. That's all I'm saying.

And nobody told me Moses was writing books. I had an agent at the time and I known that books were an option. I would have written my own. Who supposedly wrote the Old Testament though? God, I think. I have no option, I would have written my own. Wait, who supposedly wrote the Old Testament, though? God, I think. I have no idea.

I don't know. I don't know who was supposed to have written the original. Like the New Gospels. I thought all the books, like the book of Job was written by Job. Maybe. Isn't that how it works? Jobber? Yeah, Job Joberson.

Who wrote Genesis? The band Genesis. Phil Collins. Phil Collins wrote it. One last thing I'd like to say about the Bible. No, keep it going. Hot Bible Talk on Degression Sessions. Hot Bible Talk. Oh my god, your leather coat is so nice.

I love the gold-colored cross that's draping the side right under the words Holy Bible. Open up your cover. Feeling your pages. They're so thin. They're so thin.

I'm going to get that white collar. It's so dirty. Oh, I thought of a really funny prank we could pull off. Sure. What if we got a Bible, and what if we made a few fake Bible few fake Bible pages but I made them look completely authentic and we put some like ridiculous stuff in there uh-huh and then we tell people like no it's in job 14 9 or something and then and then we like you know have this fake Bible with our like thing in there and it's

like yo mama so fat or something like that we put in something like completely ridiculous but it looks real regular or like a Gutenberg Bible? Gutenberg Bible. The book of Gutenberg? The book of Steve Gutenberg. Man shall not lay with his police academy. Man shall only make sound effects with his mouth. Three men shall not lay with a baby.

Why do you think he stopped doing the police academy movies do you think he didn't want to be typecast was he not in the last one he was he was not in the one in Florida either there's one after that they came out like later mission to Moscow it was horrible Jesus Christ what were they supposed to do just train I don't know I saw in like in like seventh grade or something. It went right to video. Yeah. Well, there was a shit ton of those movies.

There was like, what, six or seven? There was seven of them, I believe. Jesus Christ. And eventually Steve Guttenberg jumped ship and they got another brown haired. The Goot. Mean character guy to fill in. Wasn't that funny on The Nerdist when Patrick Stewart was saying that

he wouldn't name the actor who had refused knighthood three times? And Chris Hardwick said it was Steve Guttenberg. I didn't listen to that episode. That's a good one. Steve Guttenberg didn't do much. He did Diner, which was okay.

Cocoon, too. Both of them probably made him okay. Cocoon. I don't remember that one. Cocoon, too. Both of them probably made him rich. You're thinking about Wilford Brimley. Yeah. The poor man, Steve Guttenberg. Three Men and a Little Lady. Do you remember that one?

Oh, yeah. And Three Men and a Baby. I'm not familiar with that. You know, maybe Steve Guttenberg stopped doing the Police Academy movies because he didn't have to because he's freaking rich. You think so? I think Steve Guttenberg stopped doing the Police Academy movies because he didn't have to because he's freaking rich. You think so? I think Steve Guttenberg is freaking rich. That doesn't seem to be the norm for most actors, especially hack actors.

I wouldn't call him a hack actor. I'm saying he starred in a lot of movies. And he was on an episode of Party Down. Yes, he was. And he was rich on Party Down. And I suspect that's kind of close to how he actually lives his life. I like that. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that each one of those movies made him enough to live the rest of his life if he invested wisely. And we're talking like seven to ten movies. Right. It just seems so abnormal, unless you're Pearl Jam or Axl Rose, to take all this potential money and not pursue it for famous people you mean not to try and continue the Steve Guttenberg product well most most actors musicians comedians will keep going with whatever real estate they have for their art until they can't make any more money from it and they can always make some money from it weird story about steve guttenberg that i heard when uh when phil hartman was murdered uh the cast of news radio got together and you know it was kind of before

the funeral they're all just getting together like holy we can't believe this happened and i think they went to phil hartman's house and they're inside and there's all these reporters outside and stuff right and steve gutenberg just showed up out of nowhere wasn't friends with phil hartman showed up to the house and started talking to the reporters it's like phil's a good guy what we need right now is just respect can everybody just kind of back off and meanwhile everybody inside is like what the fuck is steve gutenberg yeah yeah so apparently steve gutenberg's a little nuts uh i don't know i mean that seems pretty shallow to me to just show up and be like, ooh, cameras, let me try to capitalize on this murder-suicide a little bit with this guy.

Maybe he's been working on the next Police Academy movie for the last 15 years. Is that what it's going to be called, the last Police Academy movie? It's just called Academy. The Police Academy goes to hell? Or Police Academy in space? Bye, babe. Bye. Freddy versus Mahoney.

That was not me. Dan, keep it down. What do you think about... This would be me. I like to make noises. So this is the podcast where you talk about other podcasts? Yeah. My car was broken into.

I haven't heard that one. Let's take a break. Let's tease that. We'll get into it in a second. And we're back. Dan. Now back to me. Dan.

Thanks for that break. I understand. Your car was broken into? Yeah understand your car was broken into? Yeah, my car was broken into, and they took the only thing of value left in my car that hasn't been stolen previously. Your Steve Guttenberg. Bible.

Maybe you should stop believing things of value in your car. It was a $3 cable. Yeah, but it was made out of pure gold. Well, who knew gold would be so cheap when I bought it buy low sell high that's what I always say they never tell you how high to get

buy low sell high what's that? buy low sell high let's take a break sorry I'm just kidding I'm just kidding so they took the cable that connects my iPod so I haven't listened to any podcasts in two weeks All right. Let's take a break. Sorry, I'm just kidding. That was awesome. I'm just kidding. So they took the cable that connects my iPod.

So I haven't listened to any podcasts in two weeks because I don't have this cable, and I only listen to podcasts in my car. Yeah, me too. I've been cheating. My girlfriend got an iPhone, and I've been cheating. And so I've been able to hook up with other girls while she's on it. My girlfriend has an iPhone, so she's taking it up all her time.

So I just bang it around town listening to podcasts. She got the headphones with the little Bluetooth part where you can speak into it. It's like a headset, basically, so you can use your iPhone and have the headphone in and speak. But I just have an iTouch, so I plug that into my iTouch and I drive around with that thing

in my ear and I pretend to have conversations when cops drive by. So it just looks like I'm on a hands-free phone. I'm just like, yep, I'm driving just like yep i'm driving now i'm driving i'm driving just faking conversations so maybe you could do that just get the fake uh or get the real earbuds with the little do you think it works do you think cops are so stupid that they're like nah that guy's not listening to something one ear yeah he's having a conversation with somebody important important he looks like a businessman i do i make sure i say important names i'm like One ear. Yeah. He's having a conversation with somebody. Important. Important. He looks like a businessman.

I do. I make sure I say important names. I'm like, Steve Gutenberg. I'll get back to you. Obama. Good. Good. High Tower is on the other line.

Can I get back to you, please? He just died. Yeah. I speak to him in heaven. I'm a big deal. High Tower died. Yeah. Yeah.

Really? Really? The actor who plays him. Couldn't have been that old. The character will live on forever. Like Belvedere? No. Belvedere actor who plays him. The character will live on forever. Like Belvedere? No. Belvedere's going to die.

He's already dead. He's already dead. But the character... You said that kind of ominously, like you had plans for today. The character will die. Not on my watch. Not on my fan-ficked page. On your slash fiction Mr. Belvedere site. Writing all about Mr. Belvedere's sexual encounters with Bob Yuka.

Mr. Baseball. Mr. Baseball. Mr. Belvedere is huge nuts, rounding my butt. He would call the plays as to doing it. That's what that was. That's what that was. What about the Major League series? You guys remember that?

Yeah, I liked some of them. I think I saw part two in the theater. Yeah? Which one's part two? I was in part two. They talk about testicles. Yeah, it was filmed at Camden Yards. Marbles.

Yeah, I was one of the million extras. I don't remember that. I remember something about a guy getting kicked in the nuts by a mule. Oh, no, I don't remember that. That's something about a guy getting kicked in the nuts by a mule. Oh, no, I don't remember that. That's two guys, one horse, I think. Oh, yeah, I always get those two confused. Yeah, yeah. Dan, have you seen two guys, one horse?

Nope. I actually have a rule. If anybody... More than one guy. If anybody... I keep a one-to-one ratio of guys to horses. If anybody tricks me into seeing two guys, one horse, we are no longer friends. Right.

I will never see two guys, one horse as long as I live. Yeah, I've never seen neither and no one. So I did see the documentary about those people, though, called Zoo, in which the footage was not shown. Right. I don't... Wow. Even that, I feel like... It was intriguing and disturbing and whoa.

Wow. So were they fucking livestock for a while? They ran a ranch in which the main objective was to have sex with horses. Or more, horses have sex with you. Women or men? Men. Of course. Women never do anything sexually devious ever.

Catherine the Great did. And that's why she's called the Great. Yeah. They actually make a hammock thing that goes around a horse so a woman can lie in this hammock and have sex with a horse. They make it in my mind. I made that up. Copyright that shit right now.

But anyway, people come to this ranch from all over the world and they pay them. I think it was in Washington State, I think. And they would stay up late and drink and then head out to the ranches. And the code word was like, do you guys want to go pet the horses? Do you want to get killed by a horse? And it showed recreated footage of middle-aged men kind of getting drunk and dancing around a little bit.

Can you imagine those actors that had to do that like no I can't come I got a I'm gonna be on set all day like oh yeah what do you film it now just this thing it's for a documentary and they talked to what's it about I'll get livestock horses and dying by getting raped by a horse what do you think the horses talk about it's like like, hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Oh, I got this gig. Yeah, I'm fucking 30 businessmen from Brazil. Yeah. Yeah, I know, I know.

I mean, it's a living. It's a living. Yeah, I wish I could fuck girls. Yeah. Nay. Nay. But nay, they say nay. They said, hey, why can't horses ever elect a leader?

Why? Because they all say nay. God, my ears are burning up. So that documentary, it's called Zoo. I don't want to see two anythings and one anything as long as I live. Nobody has presented me the two somethings, one something that would be appealing to me. Two guys, one Burger King cup. Gross. Okay.

Gross. Three guys, one Burger King cup. Now. No. Two offers for one dollar. Stop it. Two girls. One cup.

You seen that? No. No, again. Trick me into seeing it. I won't. I'll beat you. I had a dream. You really shouldn't announce what will horribly disturb you.

I trust everybody. I have things that I will not say publicly because I'm afraid that my friends will prank me with them. Yeah. I don't have any friends. I had a dream last night. Good defense. Very good. Good defense.

I had a dream last night that my roommate had two snakes, one giant and one small. That's sexual. And I was really disturbed about having them in the house. I was scared they were going to get in my room and stuff. You woke up and your butt was hurting. Callback. And Madame Casanova said, your nana has spoken to me. And then we watched Major League.

Another callback. Oh, while reading the Bible. Steve Guttenberg was there jerking off. That wasn't a callback. At Nick Devon's. And then we took a break. All right. Mike Murray, have you seen Two Girls, One Cup?

Yeah. I saw it maybe a couple years ago. Somebody pulled it on me before it had entered the pop culture lexicon as something that everybody knew. Right. And I had the standard reaction. Yeah. Did you watch the whole thing? Yeah.

Yeah. I couldn't make it past the first second. Really? Yeah. My friend sent it to me. And I was at my dad's house, and I had really slow internet, and the video was loading, and I thought it was just going to be like a comedy video.

And so maybe like a few seconds had loaded up, so I hit play, and the first thing you see is just this girl shitting into a glass. And it's so much inside of it. It's so much in the glass. It's like overflowing in the glass. And that's where the video froze. And I was like, I've seen enough. And I still haven't seen the entire thing.

Well, apparently the source that they traced it to is South American. Because those videos are not legal in America. And I think it's not even legal to watch that. Is it? I don't think so. I don't know. You can watch somebody shit in a cup and then eat it. And then throw it up and then eat it again.

Scat porn is not legal in America. Why not? There is obscenity laws that are in effect for films still, which means only certain types of porn can be shown, believe it or not. What about pictures? Animations? Scat animations? Like drawn? Yeah, you can do anything in cartoon form, I think.

Okay. Writing this down. But anyway, the guy that they traced it back to, they're not sure. He made real ones and he made fake ones with like chocolate. And they're not sure. It looked like peanut butter. Right. But it definitely came out of a butt.

It came out of her butt for sure. But I'm just thinking there's like a turkey baster situation where maybe they just squirted a bunch of peanut butter in her butt. I'm sorry, Dan, continue. And the thing about that is... Just kidding. Continue, Dan. Dan, hold that thought. We're going to take a break. And we're back.

Now we're going to listen to some Umar Khan footage. Khan! Munza, fuck off. Munza. I heard that Umar trying to perpetrate that he didn't know what the wrath of Khan was oh I just thought people said it

cause of something that was a good impression I thought Umar just walked in I'm flying for the GREs now do Mike Bowen I'm going to grad school I'm gonna blow up America just kidding Umar just kidding Umar.

You're not talking shit about Alex B when you were here, so now we have to talk shit about you. Umar's a great guest. I've loved all of our guests so far. Yeah, me too. Well, sorry. So far. So far, so good.

Except for when we had Johnny Rotten on. He was really rude. So rude. He's getting older, too. You think he'd chill out a little bit? Well, yeah, everyone's getting older. What, Mr. Lardon? Yeah. There you go.

It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't get it. It's all about money. Money. I wasn't making a pun. Yeah, but how's that connected?

How's the phrase all about the Benjamins connected to Johnny Rotten? That's why he's doing anything you'll ever hear of. Didn't you ever see the great rock and roll swindle? Yeah. That didn't stop Public Image Limited. It's just a continuation. It's just how can we make money off the record industry? Right.

And the fact that PIL is together again just says, somebody needs a little money. Until the Sex Pistols reunion in the mid-90s, wasn't it kind of accepted and admired that the Sex Pistols quit at their peak and didn't continue making crappy albums for years and years? Continue making crappy albums.

That's funny. No, I love that album, actually. Sure, me too. Me too. Not a fan. Not a Sex Pistols fan? No. I can't really just listen to it.

I mean, I can respect what they did, but as far as like, man, I really want to hear a Sex Pistols record. Really? I think it's great. That's how I feel about Sting. Really? Actually, there's one Sting album I really like.

It's a brand new day. It's a brand new day. I dream of laying away. I dream of laying away. I dream of laying away. Oh, you did it. Oh, no. I bet you. No, not a Sex Pistols fan. I said it. Suck it, everybody else.

Not a fan of the Sting Pistols either. The Police. I like the Police a lot. Fuck the Police. I wanted to say it. You're quick with the puns today. All right, so. You looked at Mike when I said that.

He is quick with the puns. You're quick with the puns. Maybe we should have a pun off. You think so? Do you think that'll be punny? I don't see why not. Can you play beats? We could try to rap.

Sure. You guys want to rap? All right. All right. Let's get this shit going. Let me find my... Oh, wait. We got to turn that off. Oh, yeah. That's right.

Yo, bringing the drama. DJ Kaderna. DJ K. I love that when all the DJs always just scream over tracks. You ever heard those diss tracks? They're just like, DJ Kaderna. DJ K. I love that when all the DJs always just scream over tracks. Have you ever heard those diss tracks? They're just like, DJ K. With the drummer. This way, this way.

Never heard those? Why would that be a diss track? What? Would this be a diss track? No, you're saying they shout over diss tracks. They do. Over, you know, guys that are, you know, going after Jay-Z or things like that. Or just, you know, mixtapes and shit like that.

So should Dan and I battle here? I think so. All right, let's have a rap battle. There's a lot of tension in the room. Let's cut this shit right now. All right. It's just so thick you couldn't cut it with a knife. You could not cut it.

Actually, all right. Here we go. You want to go first or you want me to go first, sucker? Munza's getting fired up. You can smell sucker MCs. You call me sucker? Munster's getting fired up, motherfucker. I'll come over there and kick your ass, sucker.

That's right, I said it twice. You can't stop me. Everybody, here's going to be history. That's right, Mike Moran.. You can't stop me. Everybody, here's going to be history. That's right, Mike Moran. I'm going to walk around this table. You'll see I'm going to stand up just as soon as I am able because my hip hurts. Because I'm fucking old. But when I get over there, I'm going to cover you with mold.

Yeah. Oh, shit. I started strong. Damn, bringing that shit. Mike, what are you going to do? Here we go. Here we go. Yeah Oh shit Let's start this job Damn bringing that shit Mike what are you going to do Here we go Here we go One two one two

Uh huh Uh huh Damn Lyle Inferior human being You know that's right You know what I mean He's a sucker We all know this

It ain't no secret I'll punch him in his kneecap And then you're going to Ste steep it over to the mall and buy myself some drawers. I've got to go to the... You're going to have to head to the doctor after I punch you in your butt and your thigh. Then you'll cry. Why, why, why?

Like Nancy Kerrigan. Do Boppa Baradun. I'm about to pee because you're just a sucker. I, Y, Y, Y, like Nancy Kerrigan. Do Boppa Baradun. I'm about to be, because you're just a sucker. I'm going to punch you in your nose, you trucker. Who do you think won, Josh? Wait, I don't get a rebuttal. Do you rebuttal?

Do you want to rebuttal his rebuttal? I kind of wanted to rebuttal his rebuttal. He wants to rebuttal his rebuttal? I kind of wanted to rebuttal his rebuttal. He wants to rebuttal his rebuttal! Yeah. Sorry. Can I get some rap rock style guitar? No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm not kidding.

Oh, you're not wearing any drawers? I'll knock you down through the floors I'll put you in the basement When I'm done you won't know what your placement is You won't know where to work You're gonna have to be on the street like a jerk It's an academic placement rap SAT is the test to be Alright I know I get one more It's an academic placement rap. Who knows shit about your placement? SAT is the test to be.

All right. I know. I get one more. Wait, you can't rebut the rebuttal? We both get two turns. You can't have two turns and not me. That's true. I was just trying to cheat.

All right. Academic dishonesty. It's what you're getting from not me, but you, Dan Lyle. Don't you look at me over there with that smile. I will take you back to school and try to tell you to listen to Ja Rule because you need to get up on your raps because your raps smell like crap. And I'm not talking about the kind of the casino. I'm talking about the kind when you drink vino.

Vino. Vino. Vino. And make you fart. Boom. That was strong. That was strong. Dan, your first one was very good.

Very good. It started well at least. It was okay. It was all right. Mike? I think I'm going to have to give it to our guest. What? Dan Lyle. Dan Lyle.

You know why? Dan Lyle, smile. Dan Lyle. You know why? Dan Lyle, smile. Because you have seen Two Girls, One Cup. Experienced it. You don't see it. You experience it. I have it in 3D, actually. I actually worked at a job for a few weeks where we actually watched that video on the screen.

I shit myself while watching that video. I lived it. Interactive. That'll be awesome. Sorry. Smell-a-vision in Squish-a-vision. The reason I'll never see Two Girls, One Cup is because I like to think pooping is something

that only I do. Really? It's my secret shame. Poop? Poop. I don't like to think other people poop. It is just concentrated evil coming out of your butthole. Stinky, dirty evil.

Yeah. Came home the other day, saw my girlfriend's turd in the toilet. Did you really? Yeah. Was there toilet paper? Huh? Was there any toilet paper? Just squeeze it out tight.

I like to think that if girls poop, it's clean. It just comes out like a smooth tube, and the sphincter just snap, closes. Right. Just very clean. No residual feces. Because I might put my tongue there later. Not saying I'm going to put my tongue in your girlfriend's butt. Glad we got this on audio.

This is hypothetical. No wonder you had a key to the door when you got here. I'm saying if you died. When you die. I'm taking sauce with the got here. I'm saying if you died. When you die. I'm taking sauce of the fact that when I die. Or not home. Right, right. That's fair.

All right. Thanks, Dan. I appreciate it. But you're moving to New York, so I don't have to worry about that. Dan Lyle is moving to New York. Tell us about this, Dan. Well, I don't have a job, nor do I have a place to live. Wow, that's great.

And I think that is the way to move to New York. Yes, I don't have a job, nor do I have a place to live. Wow, that's great. And I think that is the way to move to New York. Yes, because it's not expensive there. It's easy to survive. Well, Occupy Wall Street, I'll live in a tent until I get a job. Right, right. On Wall Street. Fuck all y'all. It's like, Dan, did you hear? We won.

Wall Street's gonna change. You're like, fuck, I need to find somewhere else to live. Then it'd be done. Then you could just be homeless. Just be homeless. You could join one of those gangs from movies in the 80s that hang out in steamy alleys and spray paint. Yeah, alleys are always steamy. Oh, you can snap.

I'm saying West Side Story style. USA, you want to mess with us? You got to dance like us They have to have dads like you guys? Yes You have to have dads like us Really? Sounded like dads?

Kinda Hurt my feelings Not you Jesus Jesus He's just hanging out Watching the podcast He's a big fan

He watches it? Yeah It must be Jesus Yeah he's right there Just watching us What's up's a big fan. He watches it? Yeah. It must be Jesus. Yeah, he's right there. Oh. Just watching us. What's up, J-Man? What's up, J-Man?

What is it with Hispanic people in the upspeak? Upspeak? Like, hey, ese. What do you mean you want to mess with us? That's just a threatening tone. No. What's it with anybody? You trying to mess with me?

No. You talking to me? I'm walking here! I'm just getting ready Just getting my skill set in order You're ready for New York You're so ready So why New York? Why now? Toxic waste? Is it the toxic waste?

It is Occupy Wall Street I don't know why they're occupying Wall Street But the fact that they're occupying wall street but the fact that they're occupying wall street is something that i respect and i would like to also occupy wall street if i can find an affordable apartment on wall street uh why because i want to live in new york i want to do comedy in new york i in New York You want to be famous Yes you do I do want everyone to like me

Right that's called being famous But No Paris Hilton is famous and nobody likes her A lot of people like her I like Paris Hilton I would call myself a fan of Paris Hilton There is not much that she has done that I have not enjoyed jerking off to. Good point.

Good point. Here I was thinking that people would enjoy her for her merits. So what were the few things that she has done that you didn't enjoy jerking off to? That I didn't? Yeah. Sloppy poops. House of Wax. That's it.

The Simple Life. She was in Wonderland, briefly. Uh-huh. Oh. I don't know. I don't know. Isn't that pretty much everything Paris Hilton

ever did? Except for the sex tape. I think Paris Hilton is attractive and smarter than you think. Uh-huh. And. How do you know what we think? What if. I think Paris Hilton is attractive and smarter than you think. How do you know what we think? Because I'm Professor X.

Good point. Don't make me silent with a deadly brain fart in your head. Has there been an X-Men porn yet? Probably. There's a lot of parody porn out there. I haven't seen the cartoon, but I've seen the existence of an X-Men porn cartoon. Your friend has seen them, right?

Allegedly. These microphones are recording what you say. I just don't want people... I'm not ashamed to admit that I look at pornography, so when I say that I know of it but haven't seen it, that's because I haven't seen it.

Maybe I'll put it in her brownie. Alright, so if Paris Hilton's like, Dan, you can lick my butthole if we just watch two girls one cup first. Oh, no. Thinking she's pretty and getting Hep C are two different things.

Can you get Hep C from licking a butthole? I don't care. I bet I can. There's a way through. You're bragging over there. I could get Hep C however. It don't matter. Vaginas, buttholes, handshakes.

I don't know. I'm pretty sure you could get Hep C from licking someone's blood. And I can't guarantee that Paris Hill's asshole is not covered in blood. I'm not saying her blood. It will be when you're done with it. Like a poor person's blood. It just makes her feel good.

She rubs the blood of orphans on her every day after she showers. When you drink the blood of Christian babies, you don't digest all of it. Some of it just goes through. Like corn. Right. It's residual. Like when you drink the blood of corn.

Monkey. Fieldy. Head. No, he's not. Malachi. He wants you too. Malachi. Children of the corn. Can you imagine the corn fucking having those babies? That was what I found preposterous. What? And children of the corn. Can you imagine the corn fucking having those babies? That was what I found preposterous. What?

And children of the corn, they had all these kids, but they never showed the corn actually having sex. Right? Where'd the kids come from? Not believable. Right? Yeah. Jiffy pop.

Less believable than children of men. Red and Bucker. Orville Red and Bucker is the father of all the children in the court. I was picturing Orville Redenbacher. It's a stand-up. That's his tagline. He's like, you know what I'm saying? Jiffy Pop.

Jiffy Pop. Pop, pop, pop. Come on. Jiffy Pop was different than Orville Redenbacher. Come on. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I'm blending that shit together.

Dan. Yes. Today I'm going to shit together. Dan. Yes. Today I'm going to be Hector Gonzalez. Hector. Hector. I work in a hotel bathroom. I hand out the mints and the small towels. Uh-huh.

Condoms? If asked, but I do not presume. And sometimes... Just hand them out to everyone and see if they want them. And people tip me. And when they don't tip... Oh, no. Oh, no.

You murder them? No, I just say, oh, no. You take that. Then I go home and I don't have any money to feed my family. So you got to eat your young? Don't have to. You guys are disgusting motherfuckers. Bedbugs.

Speaking of disgusting stuff. New York is crawling with those things. Infestation of bedbugs. So don't expect to stay at my place. Baltimore is supposed to be the number two bedbug city, I thought. Really? Wow. I didn't know it's like second really yeah i totally just made that statistic up so you know it's true yeah bed bugs terrify me what about you i lived with fleas for a summer not the same but lease or fleas it was hellish i bought an old baby fleece one summer every night when i went to bed i would have to take a lighter and I would

burn the ones I could see that were on my bed which was about 8. Then I would brush them off and turn off the light before I had a chance to see anymore. It was horrible. Why didn't your bed catch on fire? I didn't... Fleas aren't really combustible. Why didn't you just

buy Raid? We did. On my bed. And then go to sleep. What am I, in eighth grade? Why would that be you? Are you something immature? That was a Huffing reference. Oh, I see.

Too soon? Yeah. Why just didn't you? You both look like Huffers. Just try to make you feel uncomfortable. Huffing, eighth grade? Huffing, eighth graders? Come on.

Is it too soon? I'm sorry. I meant podcasters. Huffing? Eighth graders? Come on. Is it too soon? I'm sorry. I meant podcasters. Huffing? Podcasters? No, we don't huff anymore. We're clean. Okay?

What? What? Eh. Huh? Well. All right. So we did a little bit of heroin before the show. But other than that, we're not huffing anything.

Okay? Sure. We huff the heroin. You huff heroin. I huffing anything okay sure we huff the heroin you have heroin i have oxygen man seriously i steal it for my grandpa's tank yeah i huff air yeah sure i smoke sausage wait what jimmy dean tells that joke. Yeah. That's Jimmy Dean. And then he goes, jiffy pop, pop, pop, pop. No, but you're not scared of bed bugs. They're pretty much forever, man. No, they're not. You can get rid of them.

It's very tough. Very, very tough. I'm hoping that I don't move into a place that has them. Really? But even if your place doesn't have them. I'm not scared of them being in other apartments. They'll burrow their way in, man. These things are bad.

Bad news bears. You're right. Sign blood while you sleep. I'm not going to do anything to change or improve my life because bed bugs might be around the corner. That's true. Just stay here. In this house.

You have bed bugs. No, I don't. You say you don't, but... Have you seen one bed bug? As we record this in my master bedroom? In bed. Holding hands. I don't know why you have to say that.

You announced that at the beginning of the show, didn't you? And you guys are holding hands. To be fair, I'm holding your cocks. Yeah, that's true. But we're all playing footsie. Right. Well, you know. Yeah, that's implied.

Sorry, I didn't flip my nails, guys. Oh, no, it's okay. I, you know. Yeah, that's implied. Sorry I didn't flip my nails, guys. Oh, no, it's okay. I like it rough. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Okay. Oh, baby, I like it raw. So do you think if I hold you guys' cocks against each other, and if you guys come at the same time,

will some of the... I love how much you're cracking yourself up over there your sperm end up in your penis and some of your sperm end up in your penis there's only one way i can think to find out let's take a break and find out i'm just kidding hey i just thought of something why isn't there an aureole oyster bar with a commercial that has that song on the commercial oh no oh baby i like that's the song on the commercial? Oh, no. Oh, baby, I like your raw. That's the end of the commercial. Oh, no.

Oh, baby, I like your raw. Too bad old Dirty Bastard's dead. He'd be the perfect spokesman. Well, I mean, he can still use his song. Yeah. I know, but it'd be good to have him in the commercial, though. Right. I think the question to answer is,

why isn't there a commercial for a raw oyster bar? Yeah. Not why aren't all those exist or they just exist on T-shirts? They're everywhere, those fucking commercials. There's one in the fireplace, the fake fireplace in your bedroom. Thanks. It's real. This place is fancy, like in Superman 2 at the honeymoon suite at Niagara Falls.

Oh, yeah, they did it. Yep. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know, one time a guy went over Niagara Falls in a barrel and survived the fall, but he was stuck under the falls for so long that he suffocated. He didn't really plan that through, huh? Wouldn't that be fucking nightmarish to die that way?

Yeah. Spinning around underwater with no air. Imagine, too. He's like, I made it. I fucking made it. I made it. Let's get me out of this thing. Let's just float to the top.

Hey, guys. Let's crack this puppy open. Guys. Just spinning. He's vomiting. He's like, oh, I'm going to die in this fucking barrel. Pushing somebody over a waterfall in a barrel is number 19 in my book, How to Kill People, for fun and profit.

Creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, creepy, red, Mark the time. About 55 minutes into the Dan Lyle episode, Steve Jobs has exacted his revenge on us. That son of a bitch. He caused GarageBand to shit the bed, and for some reason the recording just kept repeating for a while, and there's about 45 minutes to go in the podcast,

so we apologize to Dan Lyle and the digheads out there. And you know, it hurts. It hurts when it comes crashing down. Hurts inside. But you got to take a stand. Don't help to hide. It doesn't help. So we're coming after you

in hell, Steve Jobs. But until then, this song goes out to all the real dig heads, all the real Americans. Hope this softens the blow. When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside You gotta take a stand, It don't help to hide

If you hurt my friends Then you hurt my pride I gotta be a man I can't let it slide I am a real American Fight for the rights Of every man I am a real American

Fight for what's right Fight for your life I feel strong about right And wrong And I don't I feel strong about right and wrong And I don't take trouble for very long I got something deep inside of me Courage is the thing that keeps us free

I am a real American Fight for the rights of every man I am a real American Fight for what's right Fight for your life I am a real American Fight for the rights of every man. I am a real American.

Fight for what's right. Fight for your life. I am a real American Fight for the rights of every man I am a real American. Fight for what's right Fight for your life I am a real American Fight for the rights of everywhere I am a real American

Fight for what's right Fight for what's right. Fight for your life.