The Digression Sessions - Ep. 80 - Josh & Mike Solo! (HorseCop!)

Episode Date: July 9, 2013

Hola DigHeads! This week on the Digression Sessions we have a meeting of Narcissists Anonymous as Josh and Mike discuss their favorite subjects; Josh Kuderna and Mike Moran (not necessarily in that order). Our two heroes catch up with each other and discuss where they are in this bizarre world of local comedy (necessarily in that order). Subjects also discussed include Soccer Hooliganism, being ill, and old-timey talk. Who says DigSesh is afraid to tackle the big issues of today?! If you want to be best friends with Digression Sessions (and I know you do because it’s difficult for you to connect with people) please leave us a review and/or rating on iTunes. And hey, why not tell a friend or two (and maybe mention how much you appreciate them while you’re at it). Oh, and all of Josh and Mike’s Standup/Improv dates are listed on the calendar at digressionsessions.com. Love you DigHeads! Follow Josh Kuderna on Vine! Upcoming Mike Dates: Doomhilda Saturday July 13 E.M.P. Collective 307 W Baltimore St, Baltimore, Maryland 21201 8pm July 18 Golden West 10pm  1105 W. 36th Street, Baltimore, Maryland 21211

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast. A Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

isolated guy his wife's 85 years old got a body like a brick shithouse. He compared her to one of the mannequins once. Oh, boy. Why does it have to be a shithouse? Looks just like her. She's bald, no arms, great set of tits. Just like that mannequin over there. Only she talks more than her, unfortunately unfortunately this son of a bitch knows what

i'm talking about take my wife please okay so built like a brick shithouse right i never thought about this before but i'm thinking it's because it's a very sturdy uh structure more so than uh just a brick house maybe because it's so compact maybe shithouse because normally i guess a shithouse was like weak you'd have like the wooden you know shithouse okay so okay so we're saying those shithouses that were made out of shithouse as in comparison to yeah uh a cheaper shithouse yeah like a wooden shithouse or a hay shithouse something that a wolf could blow down yeah exactly okay gotcha um but why can't we just say like a brick wall or something Like a wooden shithouse or a hay shithouse. Something that a wolf could blow down. Yeah, exactly. Okay, gotcha.

But why can't we just say like a brick wall or something? I don't know. Or like a very well-made house. I guess it doesn't have the same panache. I think people just like to throw in curse words. Yeah, but you can't just be like, that girl's built like a really well-built house. I am getting engorged in my penis.

Strong on the outside, full of feces on the inside. Good crawl space, too. I love those guys, though. The guys, like, that weird generation where you couldn't be nice to each other. You mean the greatest generation? Yeah, the greatest. That weird generation. Narcissism that world war ii weird generation yes total narcissism yeah i mean not all of them were probably in ww2 but just it's funny that the they have to uh you can't give compliments

like even if they love the guy like ah this son of a bitch where you been you dumb bastard yeah and i bet you that's like a massive step up from the generation before them. Oh, yeah. Like, they probably have to have that buffer of, like, insults. Yeah. Because they would have been burned at the stake as a gay, like, 20 years before. They would have been thrown to the Coliseum. Hey, Charlie, where'd you get those trousers?

It's like, what do you care, faggot? They would have had to walk the plank. And they would have used his bones for spare parts. They would have banished you to the desert. What were the Indians doing with all those bones and body parts that they weren't throwing out? They had to set up something for the roadside stands

for Manifest Destiny. They're making little trinkets. Manifest Destiny over here. I know you're on your way to 200 more miles to Manifest Destiny. They're making little trinkets. Manifest Destiny over here. I know you're on your way. 200 more miles to Manifest Destiny. Come check out the biggest buffalo tailbone this side of the Mississippi.

Last burritos before Manifest Destiny. It is embarrassing how right white people were about that. We nailed it yeah we nailed it say what you will mike moran yeah how the hell are you uh i am pretty well i'm pretty well i feel like you say that every time are you well um define well uh content happy um Happy. Yes and no. Relatively speaking, yes. Okay, good.

You worked today. I did. You're still feeling the hustle and bustle of life's daily struggles? Indeed I am. I'm getting a lot of pains. It really sucks. Growing pains? No, I think I'm done with my growth spurts.

Although I'm pretty sure I am continuing to get taller. I'm the world's worst doctor. Do you have cancer? I have a lot of pains. Well, I think this is what happens to a boy of 31 years old. Let me give you some pamphlets. Growing like a weed, y'all. Take this pack of cigarettes.

It'll clear up your T-zone. Get out of here. Now, this is Tony Karopoulos. He's going to touch you. He assigned you a Roman soldier. Okay, so these pains, these random pains, what are they? Well, I don't think they're random, number one. I mean, maybe they kind of are.

But just back pains, knee pains, leg pains. Is that number two, three, two three and four yeah number one is uh growing no uh just i don't know just as i get older um you know i feel healthier than i do when i was younger mainly because i take care of myself more and i think my posture is just kind of better i think i have muscles where I didn't have muscles before. I'm more slouchy and slumpy, if you can believe that. Your love muscle is strong. Yeah, that's actually very true, too.

We're talking about my butt, right? I was talking about your brain. The biggest androgynism. Again, still the worst doctor. How's your love muscle? You need pills for your love muscle? Somebody. I don't want to say his or her name because he or she might not want me disclosing his or her information. But a friend of mine was recently telling me how.

Let's just go with he. I guess. Okay. It cuts out four people in my life. Sure. That he cuts out four people in my life. Sure. That he went to a therapist or a psychologist because he was, like, having severe mental problems. And they were like, you on OKCupid? Go ahead and get on OKCupid.

Swear to God, that was the advice. The guy had just bought in stock an OKCupid that morning. Every patient that comes in. Perhaps a delicious Pepsi brand Pepsi. Pepsi brand cola. Would you like a Turbo Pepsi? Is there a Turbo Pepsi now? I don't know.

Maybe, probably. I do remember Pepsi XL at one point. It was that time that Pepsi and the Microsoft Corporation combined to make all of their Excel spreadsheets were sponsored by Pepsi. This board meeting brought to you by Pepsi. You know what I recently read about Pepsi? In California, they identified some caramel coloring uh chemical that is used by coke do they do they use all k's for it i think that's from alabama these racist scientists caramel coloring candy they're trying to dance around a eugenics program

or you know uh just happen to all be Ks. You did not see anything. Hey, I did not see this coming. Okay, so I believe it's called MEI4 or MIE4. I don't know. Well, Mike Turpin can correct us. I forget what the chemical is. But basically, it's used as the caramel coloring agent in Coke and Pepsi. And California identified it as a carcinogen.

And they were like, yo, if you're going to sell Coke and Pepsi with this amount of this chemical in your drinks, we're going to have to market and put a warning label on it. Or you're going to have to put a warning label that's saying, like, this could cause cancer. Or we've identified it as a carcinogen. There's, you know, what we call like a deadly amount in there so they're like okay yeah we'll fix it they're gonna take it out no problem uh somebody recently did a study uh across the nation testing pepsi and coke for this chemical and they found that pepsi i think it was like eight out of ten times around the country, Pepsi still had the same amount of that chemical in it, but not in California. But throughout the rest of the country still has that high level of carcinogens. Right.

But Coke throughout the country got rid of it for the most part. Interesting. Mm-hmm. So what is the correlation between carcinogens and cancer rates? With that chemical? I don't know. I have no idea. I think they were just saying there's a high amount of it.

Like there's carcinogens everywhere. It's just the amount that they use. So interesting. And that brings us to today's sponsor, Coca-Cola. Not giving you that much cancer, huh? Huh? How are you, Josh? I'm good.

I'm good. My throat kind of hurts. I don't know about you. I've got a little bit of that, too, actually. Yeah. What is that? What is that? I think it's the air conditioning.

I do, too. Yeah. Why does it do that? I don't know. It dries everything out. Seems like it should be doing the opposite. Right. Now I've got to get a humid humidifier I actually have one in my

room on accident going on is it going on the same time as the air conditioner no but should I do that I think so okay Amanda's actually a lot of energy doing that I don't know hey look the environment our throats hurt we got I'm not worried about destroying the environment I'm worried about destroying the environment. I'm worried about destroying my bank account. We'll be right back. Hi, I'm Josh Kuderno. I'm here for humidifiers. We're here to talk to you about self-interest.

Why don't you just pour Pepsi in a humidifier? Could you do that and then just soak up the aroma? I'm going to try it. That's a really bad prank, right? To piss in a humidifier and turn it on. Oh, my God. That's genius. That's like evil genius.

Oh, wow. Turn on the humidifier. It would stink so bad, too. The aroma of piss. Oh, man. I do want to try the Pepsi thing, though, but now I'm scared of the carcinogens. Yeah. Just maybe better off, like, smoking a pack of cigarettes.

I did freebasing carcinogens. Hey citizens hey man you got any mie4 you got that shit you got that shit i wonder if there's any if they sell any products that kind of mask freebasing you know how there's like you can buy like you know bowls that look like uh you know cigarettes or batteries or something that's not a pipe oh yeah like a little like one hitter that looks like a cigarette but it's right for smoking marijuana yeah yeah how do you how do they do that with freebasing is that possible like could you have like a straw or something and have like a fake like mcdonald's cup think about it it's but it's a mcdonald's cup that has like a bunch of aluminum

foil on the bottom of it yeah you don't see it from the outside. So really, it just looks like you're like sipping from a cup. Do you need a freebase on the go? I mean, it must be hard to like not get seen freebasing. I don't think so. They can find some alley or den of iniquity. I guess it's not as social as marijuana. You guys want a freebase?

You guys want FB? FB over here. I have this awesome cup. Nobody at the party will know. Coke's just a weird thing to me in general, like cocaine, cocaine. Yeah, it's really something I know almost nothing about as far as usage among, you know, regular middle class people. Right. Because I kind of stopped doing all that stuff before I was around it, you know regular middle-class people right because it was I kind of

stopped doing all that stuff before I was around it you know yeah before that that age because it wasn't really around my high school at all or anything yeah at my high school it was really weird the kids that were doing coke mm-hmm they would go to the park and ride and do it they would just park their cars and just do snort coke in their cars and hang out. Yeah. Cool. Very cool. Yeah.

I only remember a few friends having tried it in high school, but it seemed like a big thing for people in their 20s. Yeah. But yeah, I've never done it. Never really seen it up close, I don't think. Well, the local restaurant around here, let's just call it uh missile to venus uh i've there's been a couple times where i've gone in the bathroom and like guys are clearly like yeah like oh yeah oh yeah if you're hanging around oh yeah you see that all the time yeah and then like see guys like three guys going to the bathroom come out rubbing their nose yeah when three people are going to the bathroom repeatedly in packs one time at the dogwood the now defunct dogwood we

caught oh my goodness it was so weird it was like a group of like kind of hoity-toity middle-aged people um they got like the big exclusive table upstairs and they're having a nice dinner and everything and uh two of the guys get like busted by the staff and the manager doing coke in the bathroom really yeah like if i i don't know exactly how it went down but i saw them like walking out of the bathroom with looks of shame upon their faces i mean they're well dressed you know like yeah they're with a big group of people and my manager like kind of yelling at them and being like yeah don't come back here don't ever come back here oh and then so they had to go back upstairs with the rest of their party. All these like, you know, probably fairly wealthy middle-aged people probably didn't

know that two guys were doing coke. Got some nice boat shoes and polo shirts. Yeah. And they all had to, they had to just like sit there quietly until everyone else was done. Like they're in timeout, like growing up. Well, no, the rest of the party didn't know about it but they had to shamefully like sit there having know that that the manager has now banned them and they have to wait out the rest of the dinner to tell them well i don't well they probably

wouldn't tell them but they have to sit in a restaurant yeah that they're now banned from with a group of people who don't know that they're banned and pretend to be having a good time until they leave i would i mean i mean what's what's the manager gonna do hey you can't come back to this place it's gonna close that's exactly what he said though yeah but i don't know why that bummed them out so bad i'd be bummed out if the cops were coming or something right but but i mean could you just imagine like a well-to-do dinner party i would feel some shame but you know it was cool of your manager not to. Well, I don't know, cool or whatever. But still, he didn't like publicly.

He wasn't like, I caught these two boys. But the threat of that was like looming over. You could just see in the two guys' eyes that they just wanted to leave really bad. And instead, they just had to sit there and pretend. They probably don't even do coke that much. They're just like, you want to do it? Yeah, yeah. Trying to impress each other.

Oh, no, we got caught. They kept going to the bathroom repeatedly. Oh, gotcha.cha i think they knew what they were doing dang hey who knows i'm pointing i think that joke was a little too on the money if you know what i'm saying a to c josh whoo you did it did it do you think i went too far no um and then the uh what was i gonna say oh yeah at rocket uh one time i went in uh the men's bathroom and these guys were snorting coke off of a urinal and as soon as i opened the door they just start laughing because the way it's set up as soon as you walk into the bathroom you can see the urinal. It's like two feet away. Right. And they start laughing.

I'm like, ah. I'm not like, oh, my God. I was like, ah. Okay. It wasn't like the scene in Flatliners. What? I've only seen Flatliners once. That's the one where they die.

Yeah. In fact, I've never seen it all the way through. But I do remember seeing that I think was parodied on The Simpsons Where Julia Roberts catches her father using drugs in the bathroom and freaks out No, and then they go cuz I just kind of looked down and like okay They don't judge us bro. Don't judge us There's not the good books say Judge not he who snorteth the first rock. But I was just thinking,

I was like, hey, what's to judge? You're snorting coke off of a man's urinal. This judgment has been made for me. How could I judge you guys? I can't judge you all the way up there. Lofty sons of bitches. Oh, yeah.

But I am good. Coming off doing some sketch shows. Live sketching. Yeah, I saw you. Yeah, thank you for coming out. You came out to the Friday show. That was a lot of fun. We had shows on Friday and Saturday.

Big 4th of July weekend we're coming off of here, Mike. Had some fun. Didn't really see any fireworks, but I saw enough on Facebook and Instagram to feel like I was there. Fireworks are pretty cool, I guess, but once you see them, you see them, you know? Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things that I think there's like a gap in life between being a kid and having a kid where you, you don't do a whole lot of things. Yeah. The children like BS kind of stuff.

Right. And you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. I can see how they, right now Christmas is mostly meaningless to me. Yeah. It's a pain in the ass. Mostly like when it snows. Right.

Well, I would say like buying presents and stuff. Like I don't even, that's the best part about my family, too. They're like Christmas. Let's not do gifts anymore. Really? Yeah, it's great. Wow. Because every you know, all the kids are in their early 20s and nobody wants to buy presents. And then like all the adults, like they already have all the shit that they need. And we still buy presents. Yeah. And now that we have like some some grandbabies around. Yeah, it's probably fun for them to do stuff like that. But yeah, no. we still buy presents yeah and uh and now that we have like some some grand babies around yeah it's it's probably fun for them right yeah do stuff like that but um yeah no all that stuff's

a pain in the ass like fuck i gotta buy this for this person yeah it's so weird how it's it's just like it's just not in my nature it's like there's just some traditions that we just have to follow you know yeah like i don't know it's just weird. I feel like handshaking is starting to get into that. Really? I'm going right to hugs. Right. I like hugging. Do you?

Oh yeah. Do you know if you hug a person long enough, there's an actual chemical effect that happens in your brain that's released. I believe it. I mean, it kind of reminds you of your mother. It reminds me of your mother. How long she holds onto you in a brace.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It's just like human rituals that don't really have any practical purpose. Also handshake, filthy practice. Right. Lots of germs. Remember when we kind of gave that up during the swine flu outbreak? There was a total lack of handshaking i held on to it i was strong

strong with it and that's why you're growing a snout uh-huh it's a good looking snout though how's that convenience store coffee it's uh it's coffee i don't i don't really know i don't know the difference between good coffee and bad coffee honestly that's the tagline for their that's their advertiser it advertisement. It's coffee? There's a question mark at the end. Dot, dot, dot. The best part of waking up if you're in prison.

Right. Right. But yeah, doing good. Going back to work. Going to be in the cubicle. I'll be in New Jersey next weekend. Going to go to the beach for a little bit. Yeah, doing good. Going back to work. Going to be in the cubicle. I'll be in New Jersey next weekend. Going to go to the beach for a little bit. Yeah, be good.

Just staying busy, working on some Chuckle Storm stuff, which is July 24th. Yeah, who's doing it this month? Most of the guests are kind of TBA right now. I think they've asked a lot of people, but it should be a fun one. TNA or TBA? TNA. The all-stars of TNA or TBA? TNA. The all-stars of TNA wrestling are going to be there. Yeah, doing a show on July 20th with Polaroid Rage.

Josh Kodern is triumphant return to the skins, going to hit the skins. You'll be there? Yep, but I will not be hitting the skins. Nope, nope. Instead, I will be playing the bass hey now and that will be at joe square july 20th and then we have the baltimore improv festival which is the last week of july i think mike stall um so they decapitated a guy in brazil I think. Mike, stall. So they decapitated a guy in Brazil. Anyway, the Baltimore Improv.

It's July 31st through August 4th. So everybody come out to that at the Creative Alliance. It'll be a lot of fun. Improv is just getting bigger and bigger in Baltimore, is it not? Yeah, we need to get our own theater. We do, really. I can't wait to do that. Can't wait to do that. All right, let's circle back to...

What about the world's worst host? Mike, I think you said something about a man losing his head in a soccer match. How's that? Mike, you mentioned that a gentleman lost his head yeah not figuratively that's great we're gonna take a break so yeah go explain these uh these soccer hooligans yeah no well like i was telling you before the podcast uh you know how you've got something really important to do on the computer you got to finish up a project before you go to bed you only have a certain amount of time and the stupid google news ropes you in with headlines like referee decapitated right and it's

like well yes i'm not getting to bed on time because i have to read about this and it's probably gonna lead me to something else i'm gonna want to wonder about i like that you're pissed off at this guy's been murdered now i gotta read about it i'm gonna lose what kind of world do we live in when i willingly choose to click on something yeah now i'm gonna lose 15 minutes of sleep the world the state of today bothers me. For this guy who just needs attention, get his head cut off. Go on. There's a million bad head puns that I'm sure we're

both putting on deck right now. Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Thank you. Thank you. Cut it out. Okay. thank you thank you cut it out okay well they got his head but they didn't get decap yeah so apparently there was some sort of soccer game. I believe it was Brazil.

One of those countries where they're crazy about soccer, and I mean crazy. Yeah, like Montreal or something. Right. Right. Which is a city. Go on. Go on. I think it's a province.

Quebec is. Not that I know what the hell a province is. Yeah. I'm pretty sure Arkansas is a province. Can you name one city in Missouri, by the way? That gives me so much. No. And my sister was born there.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Does it give anybody else anxiety when they start talking about adding a 51st state or making like Puerto Rico a state or D.C. a state? 50 is such a solid number very solid sure let's just stick with that anyway um yeah so apparently there was a an incident where an argument between a ref and a player yeah ended in a knife attack uh in which the player was killed now did the ref stab the guy ref stabbed the guy to death refs got a knife yeah

wow uh to the shock and surprise of everyone this angered fans who stormed the field which i believe this is the first time in soccer that's ever happened yeah yeah this is unprecedented territory for a soccer game but what happened next i believe actually is. You said that very hosty. But what happened next, I believe, was. What happened next? We'll find out. Come back and join us. We don't take actual breaks. What about, like, on shows, like on news shows or whatever,

or, like, some show about true murder or something that's, like, so dark and, like, what they found next shocked everyone. Yeah. And then it cuts to like a silly commercial like come on down to billy farley yeah yeah yeah similar thing is like like speaking of sports games it's like the announcers were like we got a tie game here the yankees and the orioles in the bottom of the seventh competing for uh competing for the playoffs but after this an all-new episode of roseanne where she gets beat

here we are back in the seventh really they'll describe the episode well I think on a very special Roseanne yeah well they'll have to like change their voice to whatever it is yeah back back the truck up here okay you're telling me that sports announcers advertise for the whatever show is after. Yeah. And not only that, but they describe the plot in the same way a commercial would. Yeah. Yeah.

There's definitely some precedent. And when it's a very special episode, they have to get serious about it? I believe so, yeah. Cameron uses drugs. Yeah. Cameron sucks a lot of dick. You know what else sucks? The pitching of this bullpen crew.

Speaking of sports, I recently went to a sports bar where there's a million TVs there. Oh, wow. That's impressive. Isn't that weird? Isn't this weird? The place David's just opened up on the Falls Road. I just hope it has like a thousand taps on the bar. No, it doesn't have that many taps, actually.

But more TVs and taps. They actually have some really bad mural work there. I implore anybody just to go into David's Sports Bar on Paul's Road and look at the murals. They're so bad. Of what? It's like a mural of decapitated head.

It's not realistic at all. I mean, it's just the shadows are all off. No, it's like the Ravens playing. It's like post-modernism at its cheapest. Yeah, it's like the Ravens playing. It's like post-modernism at its cheapest. Yeah, it's like the Ravens playing, and then there'll be a football player kind of contorting as he's running, and the numbers on the back of his jersey are moved over completely to the right side. They're not centered at all.

People's faces. One guy doesn't have a face mask, but they just drew like lines on his face. So it doesn't even look like a face mask. Maybe it's not finished yet. Maybe. And there's, I don't know. It's, it's, and there's a, there's a drawing of Cal Ripken. He just looks like a zombie.

He just has these giant eyes. Like there's the Iron Man. He's like, ugh. Oh, I didn't finish the soccer story, by the way. Oh, okay. We'll cut back to my blooper story then. All right. Let's do this Pulp Fiction style.

So, okay. So the crowd riots and kills the ref, decapitating him. How do they decapitate him, by the way? By cutting his head off. Oh, okay. I mean, what did they have? I don't know. Was it machete night at the Brazil Superdome?

I'm willing to bet that they frisk you before those games but i'm sure somebody had a knife yeah um jesus and uh and they put it on a stick and parade around with it uh i'm gonna bring up what i what i said downstairs did they kick his head into the goal. No. Missed opportunity. Totally. Yeah, you're right. Missed opportunity. I guess you just don't have time to think in situations like that, you know?

Yeah. Malcolm Gladwell. Yeah. Well, they really lost their head. I guess he was really the head ref that night. Is there such thing as a head ref, by the way? No. You're the HF tonight you HF well I at least he lost a lot of weight the human brain weighs eight

pounds but that kid what is it fucking Tom Cruise movie where he's an agent. I can't think of it. With the... Jerry Maguire. Jerry Maguire. That's how you pronounce it. Jerry Maguire? No, never seen it, actually. Oh. Well, they just had that little kid.

It was part of the show. Show me the money. There it is. Which I believe our local station turned into Show Me the Funny to showcase the afternoon of syndicated sitcom lineups. Very good. Very good. So this is a funny.

So ESPN doesn't really have anything to show. So they've just been showing like blooper countdowns, like the hundred greatest bloopers of last year's NBA season. And then they were showing one like I, I think it was just, like, falls and things like that. Like, you know, like, some of it was pretty funny. But this one, I would not qualify as a blooper. Does the guy die? There's a soccer team, and they're on a bus.

And the top level of the bus is completely open. Sort like um like a like a like a bus that you would see like going around like new york for like tours and stuff sure but so the team is on top it's a team that just won like the championship it's a big parade celebration and it's at night and like the team's going crazy on like the bus like ah and there's a bunch of people lying in the streets there's a guy at the front of the bus leaning over the railing, like had his arms up, like trying to get everybody excited. Right. Falls down in front of the bus, hitting the pavement. Then the bus drives over him.

And they call that a blooper. Did they explain what happened? He just fell. I mean, do we know if he lived? Was he crushed? I didn't follow up paralyzed for life probably i'm thinking he's not doing well but yeah did they play wacky music during it like there was no there was no oh he pooped himself anybody order a pancake

i guess making funny voices. Yeah, wow. Sounds like they're really kind of blurring the line between bloopers and faces of death. On this blooper, a little girl gets run over by a train. Let's see what happens when Bud Dwyer calls a press conference.

He shot himself in the face, you big dummy. I have a feeling this is a recipe for wackiness i remember i think i mentioned this on the podcast before but i remember i i caught america's funniest home videos for the first time in probably two decades i saw like the last you know like the winning clips or whatever yeah and i swear to god the winner was video of a family playing with an infant in the in the shallowest part of the ocean. Yeah, you mentioned this.

And a shark stalks them and nearly kills them. Wow. Like, uh-oh, something's a little fishy in the bowl. All right, so I'm trying to pull up the article now. This is in 2011. Oh, am I just an idiot? Wasn't a guy? Is it just a trophy?

Rugby player. I'm an idiot. They dropped the trophy. Oh, I thought it was a guy that fell. Bus runs over soccer trophy. Okay. Well, that takes away from the blooper. And I'm pretty sure that was a soccer trophy that shot itself in a press conference.

Oh, well, I remember this way different. It's just a soccer trophy doing all the faces. Now I don't have to be scared to turn on the internet. Soccer trophy doing all the faces of death stuff. Okay. Boy, I feel dumb okay it was just a trophy that fell i'm so afraid to look up like faces of death type stuff on the internet today yeah because i imagine there must be a thousand times more things than there oh sure and in high def yeah yeah i wouldn't be able to take i don't like all that shit i can't even think about it

anymore yeah it bringing up like this uh the soccer hooligans thing makes me think of this story i don't even want to i don't even want to share it's gnarly apparently they're you're gonna have to now okay it's it's it i remember i remember okay just real quick i remember second grade misty c oh i should track her down on facebook and ask her this. Is she a point star? No, no. But she was the only kid other than me that liked MTV metal music at the time in that class. She had something to share for show and tell. And she asked Mrs. Bennett to cover her ears. And Mrs. Bennett was like, why? And she was like, well, just do it.

And then she farted in the cup. She started to. And she goes, I was watching TV and this guy, and then Mrs. Bennett was like, wait, why am I covering my ears? And she was like,

it's just, it's really gross. And she was like, well, then don't tell it. And to this day, I've wondered what the hell it was. Maybe it was the Bud Dwyer footage.

Maybe. What if, yeah, what if she was just describing like full house or something like that she's talking about urkel he's got these big suspenders um so these soccer hooligans apparently they're no joke um the this is actually told on the crab feast podcast if anybody wants to listen to that but uh the guy ryan sickler he uh he's actually from baltimore

comedian um and he played soccer. And he got a chance to go to Ireland to, like, play over there in, like, a tournament or something like that when he was a kid. What an opportunity, yikes. And he said that he was seeing, he saw this guy in town with, like, these really creepy scars, like, sort of like a la, like, Joker style from the corner of his lips up his cheeks. And nobody knew what they were. It just looked really, really gross. Apparently, these soccer hooligans, one of the things they do is they cut the corners of your mouth just a little bit,

and then they just punch you as hard as they can in the balls. So when you scream, it r rips your cheek isn't that insane that is disgusting absolutely disgusting that's why i didn't want to share it because now it's in your brain and everybody else's brain that's hurt it that is so weird how sports like bring out the the inner uh you know caveman well i i think it's just these guys are just assholes anyway and they wanted to do that stuff and this just gives them an excuse and outlet to do that stuff.

We do that in America to a certain degree. There's riots and shit when a sports team wins. Property gets destroyed. Gotta celebrate, man. Why a riot? Why would that be the thing that you go to? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like social, like, like fake social unrest. Like that's, that's the go-to for sports wins. Yeah. I don't know. I went to a sports riot once when the Maryland basketball team won the NCAA tournament. We heard that there was rioting on the campus. We drove there.

Yeah. We were like 16 or 17. And it was going to be so cool. It was. Maybe some guy will get punched in the balls until his cheeks break open. No, yeah. No, nobody was like fighting. It was just they were burning stuff.

It was so stupid. Yeah. It was fun when we were 16, though. Right. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it would be fun to some degree. Yeah. It's just so pointless. I think it was just a unique phenomena. Like, it's a real riot. Yeah. Yeah, it's just so pointless. I think it was just, it was a unique phenomenon.

Like, it's a real riot. Yeah. Yeah. It got a little scary when the horse police showed up. Police on horse. The horse police. These centaurs showed up.

Like the Ninja Turtles or something. Right, right. They all had their own unique special power. Yeah, but they were shooting they're shooting rubber bullets and stuff is really yeah wow huh yeah i don't think i want to be i i almost get scared at like concerts sometimes when like the mosh pits break out and stuff yeah that's that's fucking stupid too yeah i hate mosh pits it's like what's let's ruin this for like everybody repeatedly yeah so we can push each other a few times.

They never last. Like, two people will be into it and everybody else is like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. I always hate it when the singer would be like, all right, let's open up the pit. Like, no, don't do that. And then everybody's obliged and you've got to move back and you're really tight and you're watching for an elbow. Right. And as somebody who's wearing glasses, you're like, great.

This is a perfect environment for me to lose my fucking glasses. Right. Me too. Ugh. Ugh. It sucks because I love being up front at concerts. Yeah. But it's not just the pits.

Like, people just turn into pieces of shit in environments like that. Yeah. Would you say it's the pits? Thank you. Thank you. Like, I've had people just, like, cuss me out or, like, push me and stuff. Really? Yeah, just when you're, like, packed together like that.

Well, that was Lilith Fair, right? I mean, you can't, those type of people, you can't hold them to the same degree of standard. There's always, like, somebody to push you out of the way so they can get up on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the last concert I went to was Y, and they were really, really good. And that was, yeah, it was just a fun atmosphere. Nobody was, like, pushing each other and stuff. I don't really go to shows like that anymore, I don't think.

Or people are, like, getting pits going and stuff. Well, I think it's probably more like the, I feel like there's always somebody trying to start a pit if the show's big enough. Like, if it's at the auto bar, if it's at like a little club or something, people are generally cool. But like at a bigger place like Ram's Head or something. Well, it depends on the band because my friends went to go see Converge and they thought it'd be funny to like, oh, this band's super over the top metal. And when they got there, like, oh, the joke's on us. These guys could all kill us. Like all the people that were there to really verge um one of the things that the singer does that

he's known for doing is um he throws his mic cord out and he strangles somebody in like the front like wraps around their throat he's like screaming and then instead of crowd surfing the thing that they do at their shows um that the fans. They get on stage and then they run on top of people's heads. Yes. Like into the crowd? Yeah, into the crowd. So like off the stage like stepping on top of people's heads. Are people

not getting permanently injured and blinded? Yeah, just like kicked right in the face and all those people are wearing like... Yeah. And then they said then they realized, they're like, this is insane. And they're like, what's security going to do? And they look over at security and. Facial bones. Right. Yeah. And then they said. Then they realized. They're like this is insane. And they're like what's security going to do. And they look over at security. And they're like fucking.

Like rocking out. Like we're alone. The security at the last show that I went to at Ram's Head was pretty intense. Yeah. Yeah. In fact they were kind of a pain in the ass. Because they just like pushed their way. Yeah.

And they walked through the crowd. Make sure. Yeah. Yeah. Anybody got any of those uh free basin cups we're looking for them all right we're on to you we're on to you all right michael moran this is this is a fun catching up i haven't seen you in a minute um i'll be out of town next weekend but we'll try to make sure we have a an episode we will try to make sure that's our that's our promise

to you guys our our loyal listeners. Oh, a quick plug at the end. You can almost guarantee it. Almost probably, maybe. Guarantee it. Follow us on Twitter. Follow the podcast at DigSeshPod. Follow me at BetterRobotJosh.

I'm also on Vine, Josh Koderna on Vine. I'm putting up some good stuff, guys. You are. He's got some good stuff, folks. Seven seconds of gold here and there. Mike Moran is at MichaelMoran10 on Twitter. BaltimoreRan on NorthBaltimore.patch.com. Indeed. Yeah, and come see us live.

We're going to update the calendar. Oh, yeah yeah quick plug um i got to do a voice for uh online uh web series a little uh animated web series called damaged um created by liz mealy comedian and animated by uh grant lindahl and his partner uh ben lucci yes ben lucci so check that out on YouTube. The series is called Damaged, and I did the voice of a little ninja cat. That was fun. But not a horse cop.

Nope. Not a horse cop. Not yet. That's going to be my animated series called Horse Cop. Is there going to be like a dot between? Yep. H-O-R-S-E. No more horsing around.

And I'll see you back at the ranch. Nay. Yay or nay. Yeah. It's your choice. You want to go to jail? Yay or nay. Get rid of the drugs.

Hey. Yay. Hey, get rid of the drugs. Hey. You must have a horseshoe up your ass. You don't need a gallop pole to see that you're wrong. Doing drugs. You don't need a gallop pole. Wow, this is so bad. Back in the saddle again. Horse cop. Back in the saddle again.

Horse cop. Back in the saddle again. TGIF. Why would that be on TGIF? Why not? It'd be on after TGIF. You think so? If it's like a serious police drama.

Horse cop is pretty serious. Horse cop. No zero. Horse cop. No more horsing around. No more horsing around. All right. Thank you, guys. We love you. Bye. you