The Digression Sessions - Ep. 84 - Jonny U!

Episode Date: August 8, 2013

Vote for us! City Paper’s Best Of for 2013! Best Podcast! Under the News & Media section! www.citypaper.com/bob/poll Hola Digheads! On this week’s Digression Sessions we have one of Josh and Mike���s favorite improvisers/people, no it’s not Wayne Brady, it’s the amazing Jon Ulrich! Jon returns to the Digression Sessions maybe with a bit of a somber ‘tude (he says he was feeling a bit anxious) but he fortunately also brought the fact that he is Jon Ulrich so it all worked out. Though we didn’t get quite as metaphysical as the last time Jon was ‘round these parts, we still; had a great time in what may be one our most disjointed, yet interesting eps yet. Topics discussed include how much Josh and Mike love Jon Ulrich, how no one appreciates an improv unless they were present for it, ghosts (spoiler alert-Mike is skeptical while Josh and Jon are suckers), and more! Oh and if you haven’t please, please, please vote for us in the Baltimore City Paper’s “best of” for best podcast. It’s at the bottom of the News and Media section. We really want to take this thing this year! VOTE HERE!  - www.citypaper.com/bob/poll We love you! @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week john alrick is our guest on this week's program, and this guy is one of my favorite people and favorite improvisers. I second both of those. Hey, if you want to piggyback onto my statement, that's fine. That's fine. But I love this guy. He's funny. He's just, he's as funny as he is sweet, and he's 10 pounds

of sweet in a five-pound bag, I tell you. What? Huh? Okay, sure. Fine, if you don't agree. That's fine huh okay sure what if you don't agree that's fine that's fine if you don't agree i think i think he's great i've never heard that i think well you know pay attention you might learn something all right all right uh this was a really fun episode pretty frantic and all over the place but a good conversation with uh even better person great time absolutely and uh thank you to everybody that came out to the Baltimore Improv Festival

the 7th annual Baltimore Improv Festival this past week the shows were really good Bull Union was amazing Pop 6 I heard had an amazing show and yeah performing with Gus was great and all the out of town troops it was really cool it was such a good show and thank you performing with gus was great and all the out of town troops it was really cool

it was such a good show and thank you to everybody that volunteered good times all around and uh thank you so much and if you want to see more of us we'll be performing pretty soon uh i'll be at the triple l on wednesday august 7th yes, August 7th And then Friday I'll be at Fast Eddie's In Centerville, Virginia Doing the stand-ups And if you want more of us

Online You can find us at digressionsessions.com I'm at BetterRobotJosh You're at MichaelMoran10 Indeed, on Twitter We're going to specify that You can. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. You are. You're at MichaelMoran10. Indeed. On Twitter. Yep.

We're going to specify that. Yep. Yep. On Twitter. At MichaelMoran10. And you should follow us there. Then check out all of our upcoming dates. We'll be listing stuff as they happen at digressionsessions.com slash calendar. But the most important item of promotion this week is please pray, everybody.

Please. Please. Please. No. Josh has a disease and he doesn't have health insurance, so we really need this. We're going to get a Kickstarter going for my care. No. There's a, I don't know, there's some voting going on. Have you heard of it?

A whole lot of voting going on. There's a whole lot of voting going on. This is for the annual City Paper Best Of. 2013, the best of. You vote for your favorite yoga center. Your favorite

crochet center. Your favorite... That's it. Baltimore City Paper. Citypaper.com slash bob slash poll, P-O-L-L, is where you can go and vote for your favorite things in Baltimore. What you consider the best restaurant, the best music spot, and also the best podcast in Baltimore. That's right. There's a new category this year.

You can vote for your favorite, a.k.a. the best podcast in Baltimore, a.k. That's right. There's a new category this year. You can vote for your favorite aka the best podcast in Baltimore. Aka us. Yep. So what we're asking you is to please go vote for the digression session. We really want to try to win this one. That would be huge. We would be the best

podcast in Baltimore. Yeah. That would be so awesome. That would be amazing. So if you could go and please vote, this year they're doing two rounds of voting. The first round goes until August 15th. Then from there, they will lock it off and then you can vote again in the second round, but it's the top three

in that category. So even just to make it in the top three would be a privilege and we really appreciate you guys. We really appreciate you listening and liking the episodes and telling friends about it and giving us feedback. We really appreciate that. But if we could win the best of, that would be amazing. Yeah.

So please, please, please vote. It's citypaper.com slash bob slash p-o-l-l. And you have to vote in at least ten categories. And there's a million things. And you can vote whatever the hell else you want. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Nobody cares.

Yeah. Let's put a question mark for everything else sure sure like this guy really loves the Riddler Riddler's restaurant anyways we're done plugging stuff please vote hope you enjoy the episode and check out digressionsessions.com

slash calendar for all the upcoming dates thanks everybody let's get into the episode with old Johnny you Check out digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all the upcoming dates. Thanks, everybody. Let's get into the episode with old Johnny U. Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah

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Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Why not? It's hard to cut with my fork. Okay. You ever have a piece of food that's kind of difficult to cut and you're like, fuck it, I'm not going to do it. Yeah. Would you just eat it with your hands and just get dirty if we weren't here? No, no. If I was really hungry, I'd forge along, but I've eaten half of it at this point.

Yeah. I don't know if I eat any Mexican food that I can't use my hands. What? There's a lot of like goopy, like beans and rice. You wouldn't eat that stuff with your hands. Whoa, goopy. I prefer it wrapped

in a tortilla of some kind. Tortilla. That's true. Quesadilla. Tortilla. Either or. Have you ever been eating something? I mean, we've all been there, right?

Like you're eating something. You ever been eating something? Come on, man. How many of y'all motherfuck, right? Like you're eating something. You ever been eating something? Come on, man. How many of y'all motherfuckers? When white people are eating stuff. So, you know, you're eating it and you're like, I'm really, I'm good. I don't need to eat more, but there's a lot left.

So you're like, I'm going to eat this. It's pretty much every time I've ever eaten. Right. I mean, if I just ate what was necessary for my body, then I wouldn't be the glutton that I am. Yeah. I wouldn't be the glutton I've become today. Side note, can we take bets on if Mike's going to cough up blood? Sure. What's your stance?

Because I think he's going to. How much time do we have? Like an hour? Yeah. Okay. We can do 45 to an hour. Okay. Maybe a little wager if he coughs up blood?

During the podcast. Are you saying at the half hour mark? I've not been coughing up blood. I've just had really severe coughs. That was like the nerdiest statement. I hate to stick it to you, bullies. But I have not been coughing up blood. Newsflash, guys.

I've just been choking on my own. This is completely blood free. I'll be the judge of that, guys. I've just been choking on my own. This is completely blood free. I'll be the judge of that, Mike. Spit into my hands. Judge Judy and Executioner over there. Judge Dredd and that's it. Judge Dredd and Taco Bell. That's what it's all about.

That was a reboot I didn't see coming. Judge Dredd and Taco Bell? No, there was a new Judge Dredd movie recently. Oh, yeah. People said it was good. Yeah. Weird. I don't know why.

Who would have thought? That's the word on the street. Right. Yeah, I have heard that a lot on the streets. Yeah. Tell me, when you think of Dredd, what's... Judge Dredd's coming to mind now. Does Judge Dredd scare you does judge dread scare you does that concept

just that idea of that there would be a cop that's also your judge nah what scares you not much john come on i tell you i you know being too committed to my job um loving my girlfriend too much. What's your biggest weakness, Josh? It's just that I care too much, I'd have to say. It's hard for me to say, but I'm a workaholic. Those arms can only hug so many children. I'm so good in bed that it's almost sickening. Yeah.

I have almost thrown up. Sure. Really? Biggest weakness? I don't know just let's be honest too too personable let's get serious sure yeah let's do it first John go ahead circle of truth time is a feather stiff as a board. Get off me. Don't touch me. Okay. Oh, yeah. Where is she, by the way? She's in the corner. I love you. Oh, she likes you.

Go ahead, John. It's all good. You know, I didn't have something lined up here. I was just putting it out there. I don't know. I don't think I have a bigosphere. What about global warming? Doesn't that freak you out? Sure.

Sure. A lot of that stuff does. Pollution in general kind of freaks me out. Not good for the environment. You don't think so? No. Agree to disagree. Pollution has gotten better in the last 30 years since the Environmental Protection Agency, right?

Has it? Yeah. Well, probably better, but just on a local scale. There's a lot of trash. Chances are if you look down on a city street, there's going to be some garbage there. What's the objective measure for trash on the street? I'd probably say a foot.

Seems dirtier than last year. Everywhere my gaze goes. The neighbor's house, that boy with the weird eye, there's garbage everywhere. Joshua, get back inside. Why can't they just make garbage that disintegrates in the rain? Yeah, would that be so much to ask?

Why can't we just take all our garbage, put it on a huge rocket ship, and just shoot it into the sun? That's a great question. They've actually considered that before. Yeah. It's not like there isn't enough landfill space in this freaking world. Just don't throw it on the street. Don't they also use water to launch the rockets? Somehow they...

Really? When they launch rockets, I'm 95% sure, somehow they use water. This is a podcast where nobody knows what they're talking about. There's plenty of land, Phil Smith. Guys, we're all going to be just fine. Shuttle flies on H2O. Let's just like in your sink. The reason the Challenger blew up is because it ran on good vibes.

One of them was a negative Nancy. It just didn't make it. Who was thinking negative thoughts? Which one of you wasn't following the secret? Who was it? Who did do a vision board? Oh, wait. You're all dead.

Why are we asking? They're in the cockpit. They're like, man, I'm really excited about the moon. And one guy's like, I guess. Like, no! First of all, they weren't going to the moon. What? They weren't excited about the moon. The one guy's like, I guess. Like, no! First of all, they weren't going to the moon. What? They weren't going to the moon.

Oh, and they weren't really running on good vibes either? You know, I will tell you this fun fact. It was not the explosion that killed them. They died from hitting the water. Oh, wow. Yeah. They were all passed out by then. Hmm.

Well. I mean, I think they were. I feel good knowing that. So if there had been some sort of parachute or something, they could have come out. They would have lived. At least most of them. Sure. And that was this week's segment, the Challenger Challenge.

Did you know? I don't know if I can feel anybody. Do you guys remember that actually happening? No. It's the year I was born. It was in 86. Yeah, I was two i i remember hearing about it there's a punky brewster episode about it uh-huh it was a big deal i remember

there's like a kite on an all all new special episode of punky yeah yeah she we all face challenges i remember another special punky brewster that really kind of creeped me out where uh her friend hid in a refrigerator yeah during hide and seek they had to perform cpr on her bad place yeah died oh boy that was always kind of confusing when you were like really little and it was a special episode and you didn't know why everybody was being all serious all of a sudden yeah And then it was always coupled with and then on All New Simpsons Bart's a little wacky. Besides that Jackie gets beat

with an eye. Right. On fuck. Weirdly years ago a friend another John that I worked with

we somehow This guy's always talking about his Johns. Go ahead. We riffed on a bit where like what if they got it backwards like

on a very special full house, Stephanie gets a pig. And then on Roseanne, Jackie's getting beat. This Tuesday. Oh, goodness. John Ulrich. Yeah. Thanks for returning to the beautiful shores of the Dig Sesh. It feels so good to be here.

We are in the, We're wrapping up the Baltimore Improv Festival, you guys. I think this was a rousing good time. A success. We're getting our own theater, basically. That's big news. Somebody hasn't been checking his email.

I never get big emails. It's been a problem since forever. I'm constantly telling people this problem. Well, what people? You should probably tell just the one right person. There's really only one person to tell about this. Listen to me, Judge Dredd. I am not kidding.

What? He barely even returns my phone calls. It's Dredd. You're Judge Dredd. It's Dredd. You know it. I had kind of a rough day today. Are you writing him a handwritten letter right now

yeah what's the voicemail you leave for judge dread uh i want to do depending on what's going on all right let me do the voice greetings judge dread let me do the voice uh his voicemail greeting all right it's. You know what to do. Beep. Oh, hey, Dredd. It's Mike again. Just checking in. Yeah, still haven't gotten a call back from you. I don't know. I guess you're pretty busy. But, yeah, no, just wondering what you would think about, you know,

doing the project together. You know, I just think it could be a lot of fun you know i mean batman had a sidekick and captain america had a sidekick named bucky and uh yeah so just let me know all right talk to you later hope you're doing well bye yeah okay that's good yeah that was sensible yeah i think yeah you kind of got to the point you were nice right you didn't mention not getting the emails though yeah that's probably why you're not You're still not on the list But yo, we are

The Baltimore Improv Group 63% owners of the Mob Town Theater Oh snap I do remember hearing that For the year 2014 I think For the year 2014 We are the 63% owners 63 in 2014 That's right that's right 33 weekends out of the year

baby we are the 63 actually i'm really excited about that because yeah from what i hear a lot of the weekdays we're gonna have it so there's we can just do whatever we want any kind of experimental stuff yeah there's a lot of it doesn't even have to be improv no it doesn't have to be no No. Anything goes. Once you rent a theater, it's just blank check. That's how it goes. So, yeah, I was talking to Mike Harris. He wants to do a stand-up night.

Really? And we're going to have a meeting with me, you, Kathy Carson, and Mike Harris. Cool. And we're going to try to maybe get a, hopefully we'll try to get a quarterly maybe stand-up improv mesh show, maybe a quarterly sketch show. But, yeah, I think there's a lot of opportunities to do sketch, improv mix, maybe a game show, talk show stuff. Get wacky during the week. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be nice to have a home base because I'm really tired of whenever I tell people I do improv, they're just like, oh, where?

Where do you perform? All over the city. And then they just tune out as soon as you're like, we're here? Yeah. Well, that's right. This community theater you've never heard of? Uh-huh. The Strand.

It's always funny when people are like, oh, yeah, I know that place in Fells Point. No, not there. No, no. But, you know, I actually kind of like that because when you know people who live all over the city, it would be like, yeah, because you're in Mount Vernon. So, yeah, you should come to the show. It makes sense for you. Yeah.

Well, it's true. It's nice. I think we should definitely have our own place because it would be nice for people to know where to find us. I would like to have that UCB model of, like, whenever you go to the UCB, whether it's sketch, stand-up, improv, whatever, you know it's going to be funny. So I would like to have that with big have you guys had this problem though with apparently gps will not take you to mob town theater mobs yeah it is kind of weird because it's off the beaten path sort of it's like under the overpass but then to the left of the whatever uh what is that light Light rail. It's just kind of wacky. It's weird. The building looks abandoned a little bit.

It does. It looks a little scary. A little scary. But hey, there's fun inside. True. Just like Judge Dredd. Scary on the outside. True. Fun on the inside.

But not as scary as The Strand, which you made it upstairs to The Strand, right? Oh, yeah. Michael, did you ever go upstairs to The Strand? No. Horror film up there. Really? What's it like? It's like your worst nightmare

times 1.5. It's all good. No, that's not true, Alicia. Did you just mention Dave Matthews, man? Oh, yeah. They're playing up there. Yeah, they're up there.

Just kidding. Just all the time. They're just happy as hell And you're like oh god Why To gray street Trippin billies Satellite What does that mean

Show your world to me Show your world to me Hike up your skirt a little more Mike Moran You know when I first heard that song I thought he was saying Hike up your skirt a little more. Mike Moran. You know, when I first heard that song, I thought he was saying, Hike up your skirt, little boy. Is that not what he says? Let me help you pee.

Let me help you pee. It's just a bunch of hippies. You know the song, The Big Rock Candy Mountain? Yeah. You know, I learned today that there's a... Cows laid wooden eggs, right? What's that? Cows laid wooden eggs, right? What's that? Cows laid wooden eggs?

Is that right? Yeah, something like that. What propaganda are you spreading? It's all about Hitler. Apparently, there's a deleted verse of that where... Easter egg of Big Rock Candy Mountain. Yeah. You know, like old-timey songs go through a bunch of different versions and shit.

Sure. Apparently, originally, it had gay pedophilic sex. What? I swear. Would you tell us the lyrics? Okay. To the best of my recollection, apparently they called like a young hobo a punk. Uh-huh.

And it was something about making the punk a hobo's whore. Wow. Okay. Speaking of incongruous, this surprises me. Apparently that was kind of a piece. I think the guy who wrote it during his life as a young hobo was constantly having to turn down hobo sex. Huh. Why does it always come back to hobo sex on this podcast?

It's what we know. It's where we started. Yeah, when we used to broadcast out of that boxcar. Yeah, it was... Hey, let's move on, though. You know, those times are behind us. The boxcar children, they used to call us. That's right.

Also, the hobo rapers. Anyway. The first book in that series was about a bunch of homeless kids in a boxcar. And all the rest were, they solved mysteries. I don't see why the two can't be synonymous. It's weird. Hey, they solved mysteries. Have you ever lived in a boxcar, Mike?

Because it makes you quite observant. Yeah. Innovant. Yeah. Innovative. Yeah. Okay. Quick, witty. Right. All the great detectives of the world once lived in a boxcar.

Right. Mm-hmm. Bruce Wayne. Yeah. Angela Lansbury. Yes. Carl from Family Matters. Was he a detective?

Yes. He was a detective. Well, he was in the police. Was he a detective? Yes. He was a detective. Well, he was in the police. Was he a detective? Guys, guys, I don't know. Who makes you a detective? You know, it's a rank. It's a promotion.

You have to take a test. I worked with a woman whose husband was always studying to be a detective. He was gunning for the gold shield. But what do you get to do then? You get a trench coat and a hat. Yeah was gunning for the gold shield. But what do you get to do then? You get a trench coat and a hat. Yeah. You don't have to work the beat anymore. And the somber view on city life.

You smoke. Yeah. Gin on your breath all the time, even if you're not drinking. Yeah, exactly. There's gin gum. You chew it. Gin gum. Mmm. That brings us to this week's sponsor, gin gum. Mmm. Gin Gum. Gin Gum.

Very creative. I think that's actually one of the lines in Big Rock Candy Mountain. The gum's all made of gin. Gin Gum. Let's talk about John Ulrich if we could. There it is. This guy. That's right. Let's talk shit.

Oh, wait a minute. He's burping. He's burping. He's burping. Still waiting for Mike to cough up blood. A little gassy. Don't worry. Don't worry. It'll come.

You're obviously not making me laugh all that hard. And there it is. Wow. Hey-o. You'll be coughing up blood whether you're laughing or not. That's an aggression session's motto. You can hit the heights of right in the burrito. Then maybe you'll have a chance.

I forgot that that's what did it. For those who don't know, Mike, we had a coughing fit. Very much so. Which is everyone, except for you two guys. Yeah. Hey, Munza. Munza knows. He retired to the bathroom.

It sounded like he was vomiting for a while. What are you writing, like an 1800s novel? He retired to the bathroom. It sounded like he was vomiting for a while. What are you writing, like an 1800s novel? He retired to the bathroom. He excused himself and retired to the bathroom. Short summer away. He sought refuge in the water closet. That's all he could do. He closed the door.

I noticed an ivory mustache comb. That's about the time the Emeralds started talking. He was wearing his customized bowler hat which i found quite odd but uh mike was uh he's doing like you okay it sounded like someone choking on their own vomit maybe that's what i'm doing i don't know just very slowly Slowly dying But aren't we all

That brings me to today's topic John Ulrich Hey guys Hey You know let's talk some improv here John You fancy yourself an improviser I bet Sometimes Yeah

I try to be Yeah you had some great shows this weekend You were amazing this weekend Wow thank you Yeah Porn fan Porn fan Well you know what?

I owe that to Josh Coderna. Oh, stop. He gifted me. Porn fan. Josh Coderna. Porn fan. Which makes it sound like I'm an aficionado

or a fan of porn. Yeah. That's not what I was. Right, but I was. But you were a literal porn fan. So was I. I was an oscillating fan that talked to you.

Yes. Yeah, I was trying to... Were you spitting spitting out porno yeah that's what i was trying so originally i was just a fan and i was trying to blow open some books and they were going to have let's circle back even more just for those listening and i tried to explain this to my dad today and he didn't find it funny in the least bit and he was trying like when i first told him the story he's smiling like okay i'm gonna enjoy this but whenever you explain an improv scene to somebody that doesn't really know what improv is it's like aha yeah yeah yeah god i wish you were there yeah but you make so much more sense but my favorite thing about it is like i don't even care because when i'm explaining it i'm usually laughing pretty hard and they're laughing that i'm laughing but they don't care about the improv right no no it No, no. It just gives me an excuse to laugh.

Yeah, so go on. So just the – I played, I think, Matt and Dave. I think it was Matt's dad, and he was in my office with Dave, and they found my porn or something. And, like, they said that I was an accountant, and Matt was like, it can't be porn. This is where he does all his accounting. And then I come in, and I'm like, oh, I'm here to do accounting. So it's set up that I'm looking at porn all the time in there. So the second beat of the Herald, I come back.

And I didn't know what I was going to do. I was just going to be at the desk, like, quote, unquote, doing accounting stuff. And then you came in to help out just as an inanimate object, just as a fan. Yeah, an oscillating fan. And so you were just kind of like, I didn't know at first what you were doing, except then you reached in front of me and you were like blowing stuff around, it looked like. So it's like, oh, okay. So then I just called you a porn fan. Right.

You were just a fan. Right. But I love John so much because you're game for anything, but the wheels are definitely turning in your head. I was like, porn fan. It gave me a look like, okay, here we are. I'm the porn fan. I was hoping that there would be some more puns with like, weren't you kind of like, hey, I don't mean to be a jerk, but you guys got to leave. I was like, don't you jerk me around here, boy.

I was hoping there would be, I was thinking in my head, beef stroganoff. Say something about the dinner being beef stroganoff. Oh, wow. That would have been amazing. I would have sent it into heaven if I said that. I'm not quick enough for that. Well, his dinner's ready. It's beef stroganoff.

I know. God, that would have been good. That would have been good. We should redo that scene. Oh, absolutely. But I was just so happy to be playing with the bullionics. I feel like we're all very supportive. Yeah.

That was definitely a scene where it's like, John Orlick, he's the man. Wow. With every scene, I think that you are phenomenal. But the fact that you were like, okay, I'm a talking fan, but all I do is shoot out porn. Porn fans talk. We've discovered cyborg technology. A computer that can interact with you.

His job is to shoot out porn and be a fan. I also love that Josh's tone when speaking to it was like, porn fan. I can't do this now. Like a naughty dog or something. So of course like hey josh there was a scene where you and matt did something with science we're like what's it it was uh uh genetic or no unscientifically modified yeah so we could have linked those two together but yeah because when you're like this is uh gonna set science back

50 years like okay you just went on with the scene like spinning a vial uh it was a really fun show it was a great show i was really entertained oh thanks man yeah yeah i got it on tape i was actually recording it really i think miles recorded everybody's sets this year i'm excited to see them i was in charge of the camera for some reason. Oh, really? Nice. Did you get some zoom-ins and stuff? Not so much with you guys because there's so many people on stage. Yeah. Okay. But you got some nice wide shots. Panorams. Nice.

A couple of hangy lowers. A couple of double twos. Oh, that's Steven Spielberg style. A few smoke outs. Smoke outs. Star wipes. Right. And then, yeah, I had a lot of fun with Gus that night. So it was nice to, I always like performing twice.

Yeah, we did. But no, I performed with Gus at 830 and then 11 o'clock with Bull Union. And it was a damn fantastic time. That was almost like exactly how I want improv to be all the time. Like just that whole vibe of just. Well, I didn't see your first show, but with Bull Union, like just fun, silly craziness. Yeah, that's what I was saying. But coherent, you know, and interesting.

Right, where it can be kind of crazy, but everybody's still listening to each other. You're not getting confused by a bunch of, like, weird subplots and stuff. Like, just, like, making the reality and sticking with it. Yeah. And, yeah, I just thought everybody was so supportive, and it was a lot of fun. And you with Kelly. When you called her, and you're like, when I rubbed your belly in the first grade, I told you there was a password. What was that word?

I forgot about that. Kelly goes, Charlemagne. It's like right there. That was perfect. It was so funny. What about the twister? You're like, I don't know, dear. I think there's colors involved.

And she was listing the colors. I'm like, you don't have to say the colors. What about the boxes? I got you these boxes. Yeah, that was great. Why don't you play with your boxes? Yeah, it was so fun. I had a great time at the festival this year. Yeah, it was just so cool. Everybody was so nice.

All the shows were pretty much sold out. And you said that you guys had probably one of the best shows ever pop six we did yeah that's fucking great and that's recorded too yeah sean did like a somersault into the audience with a chair what nearly killed someone he put his chair right on the edge of the stage and pushed himself off with the chairs and the chair toppled on purpose oh yeah wow i think he said he maneuvered it in a way that he didn't think it would hit on the edge of the stage and pushed himself off with the chairs and the chair toppled on purpose. Oh yeah.

Wow. I think he said he maneuvered it in a way that he didn't think it would hit anyone in the front row, but he really like, holy shit. Did he really hit someone in the front row? No, he didn't,

but he came very close. I would, I think, I mean, I would think, you know, like, yeah,

there's not a whole lot of room there. He says he had it tightly controlled. I could tell by looking in the opposite direction. I was going to run. Yeah. His face was straight down. I'll take care of this. This is what we've practiced for, guys.

I will say, I think Sean might be one of the best physical comedy guys. Yeah. He's very physical. Very funny. Yeah. Very funny fella. He's always willing to, like, climb the walls or get on someone's shoulder. That's like Prescott, too.

Yeah, Prescott as well. Yeah, Prescott makes me nervous. He really makes me nervous. He stacks three stools on top of one another. And he's like, well, time to get on top of him. Yeah. But he used to be a gymnast or something. Did he?

Yeah. He's very nimble. Huh. I didn't know that. I think. I mean, maybe I'm just making it up. No, you know. Well, I mean, how sure are you? He was in that North Korea prison

for a while where he was in the big games for the great leader and he did all the... Yeah. I mean, I don't want to start a rumor, but yeah, he was in a North Korea prison camp for a long time. I've never heard that. But that's why he's so nimble. The worst kind of camp, if you think about it. Well, I don't know. Can you think of a camp that's worse than North Korea prison?

Can I tell a quick camp story? Space camp. Can we shift gears and can I tell a little story? Hell yeah. Let's continue with the North Korea prison camp, Joe. Sorry about that. Sorry. Go ahead, John.

John Alrick. Go ahead. Quick story about how smart I am. And this also goes back to fear. So summer before sixth grade. Yeah, let's get focused here. Summer before sixth grade. Yeah, let's get focused here. Summer before sixth grade. Let's get focused.

Let's get focused. Let's get focused. That was nice. Summer before sixth grade. So we're talking in between five and six. So we're what? Ten years old? Eleven? Yeah, I guess.

Eleven, twelve, something like that. I don't think you were twelve in fifth grade. John was born retarded. Wow. But he made it through, didn't you? I'm doing okay, Josh. Yeah. He recovered from it.

Overcoming retardation at a young age. John Ulrich is one of the best improvisers in the country oh it makes me so sad that is that is not nice recovering retard okay anyway so do you want to hear this story i'll tell it if you want retard sounds like you had to be an a for it or something like you were addicted yeah that's the joke. Wasn't that what you were laughing at? You just laughed at my joke and then like... No, I was laughing at the exact same thing. I was laughing at a different level of recovering.

Never mind. Sorry. I was saying a born retarded because I started there. Is it like a bumper sticker that you put on your friend's car? Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Born retarded.

No, recovering retard. No, that would be in poor taste. That would be. Let's keep it classy, Michael. All right. Anyway, so I was in camp. Here we go. Break it down.

So basically they were like, hey, guys, side note, just so you know, there was this killer. He turned on the gas in the cafeteria place, burned that shit down. Then he went to the chapel. Well, he killed two campers, chopped up their bodies, and left them by the chapel. And he's going to get married. Well, no, he didn't get married. He fled into the woods. Didn't get married.

Okay. Right. Still single. Okay. Oh, what a shame. Has he tried to okay Cupid? I haven't spoken to him. Christian Mingle?

That's reasonable, but I don't know. Blacks on wax? I assume he's white. Rite Aid? I don't know what that means. Really good deals on lots of stuff. Oh, okay. Anyway.

So anyway, he flees into the woods, and then as the story goes, every five years he comes back on one fateful night to wreak havoc. Every five years. Every five years. Oh, boy. He lives in the woods for five years. So they set up a SWAT team every fifth year, correct? Have I told you this story?

No. So, okay. So I'm in Chester Cabin. Sure. Apparently he was a counselor in Chester Cabin. Sure. Apparently he was a counselor in Chester Cabin, as it would be. I was there on the week that he was supposed to come back. Wait, who is Chester, first of all? I don't know.

Just the name of the cabin. Chester Cabin. You invented Cheetos? I'm Chester Cabin. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a recovering retard. Sorry. Like millions of Americans. Like you.

So call Liberty. Help you live a better life. I'm remiss that I approve this ad. I think I used to be retarded. I think I used to be retarded. That's a little kid. I think I used to be retarded. I think I used to be retarded. That's the slow kid. I think I used to have Alzheimer's. It's a new day card.

I think, therefore, I was probably retarded. What? I think, therefore, I am. Yeah. I think, therefore, I might have been retarded. Jeez. Mike, you are really not there for me today. You are not helping me.

Talking about support. I need it. Why don't you go back to bully union? Oh, hey. Come on. Watch out now. We hurt each other, not support each other. Oh, jeez. This podcast has gone off the rails. Now, Josh, continue

with your camp story, please. You got it gone off the rails. Now, Josh, continue with your camp story, please. You got it. Finish it every five years. Okay, go ahead. Oh, I wanted to see what was going to happen there. Is this Cropsey? Pardon? Is he going by the stock name of Cropsey?

Cropsey. Why is that funny? I've never heard that before. Really? That's fitting. That's the standard East Coast urban legend name for the killer at camp. I've never heard that. Never heard that.

Cropsey. Yeah. And weirdly, there is a... This is really weird. There is a serious... One of them turned out to be true. It's so strange. But continue with the story.

You know what I don't believe in, though? Cropsey circles. Go ahead. You invented the crop top. Oh, really? Cropsey circles. Go ahead. He invented the crop top. Oh, really? Cropsey tops. This is awful. Go ahead.

Sorry. So our counselors in Chester Cabin were just like, we're going to mess with these kids. And they had us totally convinced. And so the night of, when he was supposed to come back, it was lightly raining. And the counselor was like, guys, the police are here. Don't worry. They're patrolling around the premises. I just saw one walk behind the cabin over there.

They would have you kids be there for it. Yeah, right. Watch them shoot this guy to death. Don't tell mom and dad. And he's like, they were supposed to have the chopper, but because of the rain, they couldn't. And it was barely raining, but we're all like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Couldn't have the chopper. Couldn't have a chopper.

Couldn't have a chopper. It was going to rain. Yeah. Bunch of little kids saying chopper. Why would they need a chopper? To patrol with a spotlight. To look in the woods. Yeah.

Jesus. Yeah. The spotlight, you idiot. Yep. So. Throw them into the blade. Yeah. So we all doubled up.

Like there were single bunk beds. But we were so terrified that we all had like lacrosse sticks and oils, hot oils. And we just doubled up. There were single bunk beds, but we were so terrified that we all had lacrosse sticks and oils, hot oils, and we just doubled up. Hot oils. Just doubled up in the beds for protection and comfort. Is that where the story ends?

I would prefer to stop talking about the story after this. So you have sticks and hot oils, and there's a madman on the loose. Yeah. So you have sticks and hot oils. And there's a madman on the loose. Yeah, yeah. And there was leather masks.

So this guy's outside someplace, and it was terrifying. It was only just screen doors. It had nothing but our body heat to keep us intertwined. What? Did they find this guy? No. So what happened? Well, so basically I was terrified.

Sure. I was terrified. You really thought like there was a murderer. We all thought it. We all totally thought it. How old are you at this? Right now? He was like 22 when he was in fifth grade apparently.

Oh, okay. I'm a recovering retard. So, no, it was like sixth grade. So, like 11 or 12. 32. Something like that. Summer before sixth grade. Okay.

So, I was terrified. So, I was like, fuck this shit. Because these cabins have swinging screen doors, screen windows. This guy can just mosey in here. I was like, you know what's got to lock? The nurses. What do you call it? The infirmary. Like, whatever that place is i said i'm going there wow so i that's like out of a horror movie quick to the infirmary right so is that a horror movie yeah it's like the biggest

cliche in every really it's infirmary talk about that and scream like oh they're gonna go to the infirmary now yeah yeah no No, we're just kidding. No, go ahead. Sorry. I get so excited. Really? Oh, I don't watch horror movies. Me either.

Go ahead. So, yeah, so I was going there and the head counselor caught me outside. And I was like, oh, I don't feel so good. And he's like, I think I know what this is about. And he went in and he told everyone that it wasn't real. That your parents have been killed as well. I think I know what this is about and he went in and he told everyone that uh that it wasn't real uh-huh your parents have been killed as well i think i know what this is about it's because your parents are dead right is that why you're all upset children calm down gather around you'll still live a healthy life now watch out for that killer john's parents already everyone yeah you don't

want to be an orphan like little Johnny. He was holding the heads of both my parents. Wow. He just showed them to everyone. They had plaster casts made of your parents. All your parents. Yeah. And they're.

We're really going to get into this. Their faces were frozen in terror. Blood dripping from each other. Just blood dripping from it. Right. Yeah. So. It was rough.

Right. Hmm. So. So. So the counselors got in trouble. Uh huh. And they were very upset. Oh. They got in trouble. They got in trouble. Fromhuh they were very upset oh they got in trouble they got in trouble from their superiors for yeah they're terrifying us nice yep mike did you go

to camp uh yeah several times which ones which camps did i go to yes uh some in virginia i think it was called highland retreat uh-huh what was what was going on there uh it was a christian camp yeah i went to a a Christian camp for one day. It was a field trip on Kent Island. It's not really camp then. No, it is a camp, but we only went for a day. Well, it's a little different than going to camp. If I go hang out at a campsite, that doesn't mean I'm going to camp.

But we did activities and things, and there was like the Lord was painted on stuff, and they did prayer in the morning. It's pretty cool for you to just be like the Lord, like the lord was painted on stuff and they did prayer in the morning the wall you just be like the lord like the lord yeah jesus christ jesus or was it the lord jesus isn't jesus the lord yeah the lorax was painted everywhere there's this yertle the turtle guy trip to a christian camp it's not officially a christian camp the people that run it are very churchy and there's a bunch of church stuff going around. When I was in elementary school in Virginia, I swear to God, there was a church bus that would come, and we'd go to it during school and learn about Jesus. Yeah, that makes sense. At a public school.

Yeah. Never heard of that. Yeah, so weird. Yeah. So what went on at these camps? Any scary things? There wasn't a lot of ghost story stuff, which I was kind of disappointed about. Yeah.

Because we wanted to keep it wholesome. Uh-huh. It wasn't a lot of, like, sneaking out to look at the girls or anything, you know, because the counselors were in there with you. Although, when we did the water slide, there was definitely, you know, a little bit of checking out. Or a slip and slide, not water slide. There was also a there was a there was like a swing over a creek

which was freaking awesome but like terrifying looking back. And then there was a freaking swing off a cliff. I swear it was so weird. Did you jump like a parking lot? Or the water? To what, like a parking lot or the water?

Like, what was... To death. To death was down there. If you jumped off of it, you would fall down a cliff. The point wasn't to fall off the swing, like, over the water. It was just to swing out over the cliff. Well, you come back. Right, sure.

But you weren't supposed to, like, fly off of it. You weren't jumping off into water. No, you would die if you did this. Right. So it's just a poorly placed swing. Well, yeah, but it has like a ramp and everything. I just can't believe they let us do that. I mean, you're like just swinging right over certain death.

You're not locked in or anything. You're just holding on. You're just holding on. Wow. And then you come back. Did you do it? Maybe not certain death, but it was a pretty big drop. It was right off the side of a mountain.

It was a painful injury. Did you do it? Yeah, several times. I can't imagine that a kid hasn't been horribly injured or killed. Do you think it's one of those things like when you're younger it's like seven feet and you're like, now that you're remembering it. I really don't.

Spikes and stuff were there. I mean, you would land on the side of a mountain and roll down it and roll into rocks and trees and stuff. Well, I mean, that doesn't sound too bad. I mean... I firmly believe there's a chance you could die if you fell off. Sure.

But they're like, hey, go swing over there, kids. Yeah. I went to a... Oh, for this day camp thing, there was... We made little plaster Paris molds uh indigenous birds with their little footprints we made those there was like these uh circular i'd say maybe about like i don't know four inches around little uh plaster paris molds of these footprints and then on the

bus ride home we promptly threw them at cars on the uh the way back to school and that was fun so yeah did they shatter yeah yeah we hit one car and then just like this puff of white smoke it was probably terrifying for them because they're just driving and then they can't see i've been shot at yeah so toss the pipe and then i went to a navy basketball camp went to basketball camp at the naval yard Annapolis. And it was a lot of fun. There was a diving board there, 10 feet. We got to jump off of that. That was fun.

Yeah. That was always really fun as a kid, jumping off really high diving boards. Yeah, it was my first experience with a really high one. Because we did drills and stuff throughout the day, practicing. They're like, all right, guys, we're all done. So we're actually going to have a little symposium on free throws, or you can go swim in this Olympic-sized pool. And I wouldn't be the basketball player I am today if I didn't say,

I'm going to go to that pool. And I went to that pool. Yeah, it was good. It was good. And then there was a program where. See you later, Kareem. I'm going to the pool. Good luck, Hakeem Olajuwon, who was probably really older than me at the time.

He wasn't there. Well, I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is probably three times as old as you. Three times? Two and a half. Yeah, you're right. He's probably like 70 by now. I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. And then there was a program where if you wanted a pizza at the end of the day, you

just had to tell somebody there was some service or something. In the middle of the day, you just had to tell somebody there was some service or something. In the middle of the day, you're like, hey, I want a pizza for later. I didn't know that was a part of it. I just got in a line for the pizza at the end of the day. They're like, what do you want? I was like, pepperoni, please. Then later I heard that some kid didn't get his pizza. I was like,

I was fucked up. I realized I stole his pizza on accident. Yeah. That kid. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Wow. It inspired him to be the man he is today. He aged a lot quicker than me. I remember one time in elementary school, I lost my lunch ticket after I bought it.

And I like, it was so, it was like the most terrifying thing in the world because I couldn't find it. Yeah. And Brent Jackson. Yeah. I thought he stole mine because he was laughing at me and he was holding his. So I snatched it back from him. And then he started crying and he

claimed that he didn't steal mine. And then the teacher shamed me and made me give him the lunch ticket back. And then I was freaking out at this point. I didn't know what the hell to do. I saw my older sister in the hallway, thank God. I grabbed her, buried my face in her jacket and started sobbing really oh yeah wow yeah and uh and then eventually the teacher told me to just take a lunch ticket i was lying on the floor

oh really yeah this is when you come back after crying yeah and was your sister supportive or was she like oh mike oh yeah i think she was yeah this was what, like 10th grade? I don't quite remember. What's that? 10th grade or what year? This was when I was at BCCC. Right. Which is a community college for those listening. I can just see you burying your head in the basement. You losing the ticket.

Be like, I don't know what's going on. Up is down. Black is white. I don't know where it is. I already spent my money. It's nowhere to be found. What am I going to do? I can't get a dessert now.

You don't sound like you're going to cry, though, the way you just delivered it. Yeah. Well, I am. Okay. Oh. I'm holding you back. Yeah. All right.

I remember crying in the cafeteria once. I was in line for food, and this teacher, she kind of cut in front of everybody. And I didn't realize she was behind me. She was my third grade teacher. And I think it was like, I forget what the food was. It might have been stromboli or something. But I was like, oh, I'm going to get stromboli. And I was lifting my feet up and down.

And I was wearing cleats to school because I just thought that was cool. Right, it was. And I stepped all over her feet. She was right behind and she was like oh like started crying really and then i started crying i was so embarrassed i stopped wearing cleats to school wow so uh first off yeah the sound you made reminded me of that famous youtube video with the woman stomping on the grace oh great stop lady yeah was it anything like that? Your car going in reverse. Wasn't... Because it didn't continue. She wasn't like...

No, it was more like, ow, that really hurt. Like, oh... Mr. Coderna? Yeah, no. And then she put her... Coderna! And then she put her hands on my shoulders like, oh... I'm okay, I'm okay.

Oh, she was touching you? Yeah. Clearly there's blood splurting from her toes. Yeah. Blood splurting from her toes yeah splurting like that movie blood spurt blood splurge blood splurge three starring jean-claude uh i had a i had a crying moment when i was in second grade yeah and i thought i cried a lot in school when i was a young boy i think that may have been my only time i peed my pants never peed my pants once i never peed my pants, too. Never peed my pants. What? I never peed my pants. I kind of peed my pants once.

I never peed my pants. Oh, boy. So second grade, I learned about this phenomenal prank you can play on people where you tell people to sit down, but then you pull the chair away. And then you say, your parents are dead. And you hold up their heads. Yeah. So I pulled the chair away from this sucker, but I didn't pull it quite far enough away.

And so he landed, but the back of his neck hit the lip of the chair, and it was a hard chair. Yeah, the plastic. It wasn't plastic. It was like porcelain or whatever that harder wooden type material is. Like laminated wood?

Sure. What other materials might it be? I don't know what else. Granite? Probably granite, yeah. Granite's what the uh spaceships made out of you know that granite i'm sure you about that that's what they made lieutenant's legs lieutenant's legs i love lieutenant's legs you ever see lieutenant legs remember when he lost so good the blood was splurting everywhere So this kid's crying And I'm like Oh Chris Chris Chris here

And I'm like I don't know what to do And he's like hit me hit me You tell him to hit you I was trying to let him get me back I didn't mean for him to cry That's your solution I was not the smartest Like I am now.

Right. So anyway, so the teacher comes in. Recovering retard. Right. So the teacher comes in. Don't tell anyone. And she's like, what is this supposed to be? Some kind of a joke to me?

Which it was. It was an accident. But I didn't know. What is this, a prank gone wrong? I'm just like freaking out. So I don't say anything. Yeah. And so she's like i think you need

to go to the office so she takes me to the office and so uh i go into the principal's office yeah and uh the principal's sitting down behind her desk and i go and i pull the chair out to like sit down she's like i didn't tell you to sit down it was this african-american woman and she was she meant business so i just started crying and uh. And then to get myself out of it, I was like, oh, I only did it because people are doing it to me. Which wasn't true, but I just came out. And an improviser was born.

That's when I started lying. I remember peeing my pants. i cried out of my penis that's penis crying penis crying right penis tears um penis tears uh when i was uh during the summer i had to go to daycare kind of because the parents were working. Actually, my mom was divorced. Okay. So she was working and I had to go there during the day. And I was there with a bunch of older kids that were cussing. And I wasn't allowed to cuss, but these kids were cussing.

And I thought it was... What kind of cussing are we talking about? Just stuff like fuck, shit. Heavy hitting. The big ones going for it. And I thought that was... Yeah, poured out of my penis. Because I thought that was the funniest thing.

And I was sitting on the sidewalk, peed my pants, right, as they're talking. Then I get up. There's a stain there. One of the teachers or whatever ladies that's working there is like, let's go get you chained. Like, I didn't pee. That was there. I sat down, and that was there. And no, it wasn't.

Did the other kids taunt you? They didn't see it because I just sat on top of it you knew it was happening oh yeah it was uncontrollable i was laughing so hard i peed myself just because they were cussing like she's a bitch she's a fighter like you can't say that i feel like some people still think like that's still comedy to them just a bunch of curse words but uh i have seven words you can't say that. I feel like some people still think that's still comedy to them, just a bunch of curse words. But the seven words you can't say at daycare. People are like, oh. I can remember the first time I said a curse word, and it was on accident. I did not know that ass qualified.

So my sisters were wrestling with me or something and I said, oh, my ass. Like, how did you intend it? Like, oh, I heard my ass. But in a joking way. And they stopped the presses and

informed me that that was indeed a curse word. I cried. Did they punish you? they no they didn't even tell on me i was just so disappointed in myself yeah lost i think that's what happened to me when i stepped on my teacher's feet right i was disappointed myself yeah it's like josh everybody's excited about tromboli you didn't have to do that and you're wearing cleats with great power comes great responsibility right a lot of power in those cleats i feel like a part of my loss of innocence in elementary school was

there was this, I'm going to say I was in third grade maybe, and there was this kid who I'd been introduced to who was in fifth grade and he was fucking awesome. He was one of the coolest. And how I know that he was cool was that he knew the lyrics to Whoop, There It Is. And he sang them for me at one point.

All the lyrics. I think it was the first verse, but he was just demonstrating his power. He just did it very slowly. He's like, whoop. There it is. I was like, oh my, who is this kid? So I'm in the bathroom taking a leak. That'd be a great ending to a Nobel Peace Prize speech.

Whoop. There it is. Go ahead. Bye. So I. There it is. Go ahead. So I'm in the bathroom. Yes. And he comes in and he's like, dude, never wear white shorts. And I was like, because I was wearing white

shorts. And that's when I became self conscious. Why couldn't you wear white shorts? It was just like a fashion faux pas. It's probably a problem he had. He probably was getting doo-doo stains on them. I don't know. You know? I don't know.

He wasn't so cool after all because he had doo-doo stains. Did he wear brown shorts a lot? I don't know. You know, now that you mention it. Yellow up front. There's a lot of camo. Brown in the back. Where is the fudge made?

I don't know. I mean, why do you think I would know? Where is the fudge made? I don't know. I mean, why do you think I would know? Where is the fudge made? Oh, man. The best is at work when I'm dropping off drinks. Just like, all right, milk, milk, lemonade. I have to go. Then I just start laughing.

You just high five people and then leave? Yes. You know, this lady knows what I'm talking about. Yeah. I remember one time I peed in my pants, but I was able to some. It was something where I was running to the bathroom. Sure. So I got. It was like a 50-50.

50% in the pants, 50% in the pot. Why did you wait so long? Your classic 50-50 urine scenario. Yeah. I just couldn't. Because we were probably out doing something or, you know. Uh-huh. And I came back and I ran in. And so I didn't get to change because this was an underground unofficial pants peeing.

So I had to maneuver. Hmm. Okay. What did you do? Did you ditch the undies? I think I, no, no, I think I pulled up the pants, pulled down the shirt as far as it would go, and stayed away from everyone the best I could for the rest of the day. I was like, man, Mike looks really cool right now. Like, you just look like an old person with, like, your waist up to your belly button.

Right, right. And I also remember another time where I had to poop so bad that I couldn't close the door to the bathroom. In kindergarten, we had our own bathrooms in each classroom. And this girl came in and basically started taunting me while I was pooping. Oh, that's uncomfortable. How'd that go? She's like, what are you doing a bodily function over there? Yeah, basically.

Pooping over there, Michael? I think she said like a dookie or something like that. Dookie, dookie. Oh, boy. Was there pointing involved? They're all going to have feces on you. I don't know. It was like the Jeremy video.

You shot Jeremy. You shot Jeremy. Jeremy shot himself. He didn't shoot his classmates. Okay, Mike. Settle down. Jeez, he gets so angry sometimes. I never peed myself, but I do remember being in a test-taking environment

where they were like, you guys can't get up. And this one girl took it seriously, and so she just pissed in her chair. And I remember she got up, and it was one of those chairs where it was kind of dipped. It was just full of piss. Why couldn't you get up? Well, you could. She could have gone to the bathroom because it was a test, and they were just reinforcing you can't get up.

He meant like you can't get up and cheat or walk around. Yeah, exactly. I have a very similar story, but it was seventh grade, Mr. Haberlein's class, science class. It's one of those scenarios where. A little bit more specific, please. Sure. It was Brittany Summers. What kind of science was it?

It's seventh grade, so I don't think it was as specific yet. It's just science still, I'm pretty sure. That's where I was. I believe it was quantum. One of the scenarios where you have to come up and write the answer on the chalkboard. Brittany volunteers to come up. She gets up, walks to the chalkboard, and her shirt, she was kind of like a tomboy, so she had a little bit of a baggier shirt. And as she raised her arm to write on the chalkboard and her shirt she was kind of like a tomboy so she had like a little bit of a baggier shirt and as she raised her arm to write on the chalkboard her shirt comes up and we

can see her shorts big red stain in the crotch area big red stain like the taint kind of area right the whole class goes because we're we're at the age where that's starting to happen most yeah i remember it happened to me around that age i said oh my god i'm becoming my mother huh let's call back a separate conversation uh john's response is squinted eyes that dark what what so so so the whole whole class is like and then uh mr haberline's like whoa whoa whoa britney hold on a sec hold on what was that what are we all what's going on here oh no what's so funny everybody you know he didn't see it oh he didn't now she's in trouble she's not in trouble he thinks he's accusing her he thinks we're making fun of her because everybody's like, oh.

And, like, maybe somebody, like, kind of laughed a little bit, but mostly it was just kind of like the whole class basically at the same time did a gasp. So he thinks, like. Passing out on each other. Yeah, he thinks the class is up to no good. I mean, like, nobody wants to say anything because, you know, she had blood in her crotch.

And I think somebody said, like, oh, her tag is out. He's like, that's what it was. You guys are very mature. Her tag was out. I think, yeah. That was awfully nice of the person. That was it. Yeah.

That was pretty sacrificial for a seventh grader. Pretty mature for a seventh grader. Right, yeah. But, yeah, that's burned in my old memory. Wow. Did she ever notice? She had to have, right? I mean, she had to go to the bathroom at some point.

There was blood in her seat as well. Damn. Maybe she just sat on a caterpillar. A very full caterpillar. I do remember in one 7th grade situation. Blood pillar. You want to sit on my blood pillar, baby?

That is what a boner is, basically. That's true. A blood pillar. You want to sit on my blood pillar, baby? That is what a boner is, basically. Yeah, that's true. A blood pillar. Pillar of blood. Want to see my blood pillar cry? What? Penis tears. Call back the penis tears.

Hey, call back penis tears. You want to sit on my blood? Oh, I remember in seventh grade fearing that my erection would be noticed once I got up. Yeah. And wishing it away as class was coming to an end. Yeah. And having to stand up and just walk around with it. And just like, and somebody started talking to me. And I was so convinced that they saw it that I was kind of like, I was kind of like laughing about it.

Like, yeah. What are you going to do? These blood pillage. Whatever they were saying to me, I thought that they were talking about my erection, I guess. Yeah. You just reframed everything to your erection? Like, where are you going next class? Let's not make this too hard on you, okay?

Now, I know that you think that you're cocky with the walk. Beef stroganoff for lunch? I want you to have a rock-solid attitude. You're in it for the long haul now, Mike. See the new building they're erecting over on the south campus? Sometimes school can be long and hard. I know. Sometimes you just want to explode all over the place.

You have a big head, Mike. Here we go. Come on, blood. Come on, blood. Blood, blood, blood. Sorry to burst your bubble, gentlemen, but there'll be no blood. Damn it.

We were so close. Somebody please accidentally drink this. Mike just spit into a cup like he has chew, like tobacco chew. First of all, it's the second time I did that. I didn't even care the first time. I did not see it the first time either. Yeah, that's our threshold. One is okay, but twice.

Josh, did you check it for blood? Go ahead and check. You're not going to be able to eat later tonight. God, that made me kind of sick just moving it around. I could feel that it was viscous. John's going to swish it around in the cup. Doesn't that gross you out? No, stop, stop, stop, stop. It was viscous. John's going to swish it around in the cup. Doesn't that gross you out?

Oh, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. I love the finisher to that sound effect. Oh, yeah.

Let's keep it going. Here we go. Mike just hogged a loogie in a cup. You know what that means More podcast time It's just like the thing on Groundhog's Day Yeah Was that what you were No

I have no idea what you were saying When Mike spits in a cup That means we have another hour of podcasting Oh Much like when the groundhog Oh, see the shadow That's the weirdest tradition ever Do you guys actually know how that works? Because I have no idea have another hour of podcasting. Much like when the groundhog sees his shadow. Do you guys actually know how that works? Because I have no idea.

If he sees his shadow... There's six more weeks. How accurate could that possibly be? Has nobody not noticed that there's no way that that works at all? It's like, hey, Punxsutawney Phil, come on. That is the dumbest tradition ever.

What do you think it means? Why do you think he went back in his hole? Maybe he saw his shadow. Christmas, you get presents. Easter, you get presents. Thanksgiving, you eat. Halloween, you get candy. Groundhog's Day, a groundhog on TV comes out of a hole and maybe goes back in.

That accurately describes it. What's up? What's your problem? Where do I sign up for this? Do you want to be the groundhog? Do you want to be the day? The what? The day? I want to be the hole. Yeah, you do.

Courtney Love over here. I'm only happy when it rains. That's garbage it hey no that's song is garbage oh that's what you mean no it's the band garbage okay shirley manson sings for that you feminist racist i don't like any feministist fems never have yeah you have have i yeah well it's no whoop there it is but i'm not familiar with that song i've've heard of it, but I've never seen it. I've never seen a lot of it many times. Never seen it. I like the acoustic version.

Is there an acoustic version? There should be. Whoop, there it is. That's Bruce Springsteen doing it. It could have been Bob Dylan, too, I think. Whoop, there it is. Whoop, there it is. That it is that was bob dylan early bob dylan are there songs that you are very much aware of that you've never actually heard

probably like i know the song my prerogative is big but i've never heard it what never heard it it's huge when i was in second grade in fact i remember kids singing it. Okay. Why are you angry at me? Why are you angry at me? I've never heard my prerogative. You did just, you sort of set him up for it. Yeah. And then he answered the question. Then you're like, what, you idiot?

I know, trying to help you out here. No, I didn't know he was going to come back with my prerogative. Christ. You know the song about the windows and the walls and the balls? Little John? Yeah. I've never once heard that song. Come on, the balls uh little john yeah i've never once heard that song come on you have never once you've heard it sing it to the window the milkshake song

i've only heard once and for years i have not heard it is the weirdest brag i have ever heard hey well you know it's not bragging if you can back it up hey you're right good point good point everybody's not born equal all right well on that note let's wrap it up. Hey. You're right. Good point. Good point. Everybody's not born equal. All right. On that note, let's wrap it up, fellas. I think we should wrap this thing up. Wrap it up like a burrito. Hey, John.

Thanks for coming by. No. Shh. Don't. Don't. It's been a real. Go ahead. Did you want me to?

Yeah. I don't have to. No. I want you to. Yeah. Hey. It's been fun to rejoin you. I think so.

Michael, it's been a real pleasure to be here with you now this time. Yeah, we didn't discuss any supernatural things. Yeah, we need to get to that. So. No, I'm just kidding. We'll do it next time. Hey, we can. I mean, I have time.

Do you want to discuss some supernatural things? You know what? John, you want to get metaphysical love in here? So I had a conversation with my brother recently about ghosts. Okay. Let's hear this. Younger or older brother? Older.'s hear this. Younger or older brother? Older.

Only one brother. Younger or older ghost? Younger ghost. There was this mentalist routine at the Creative Alliance recently, which is a local. Wait, mentalist? Mentalist, which really is like psychic. Right. But she's got a partner.

Is this where they reenact the hit CBS show, The Mentalist, which is on Tuesdays at 9? Yeah, they did seasons one through three. Wow. So the gig is, I think in mentalism traditionally there's two people. And what's happening is one person is secretly feeding the other person information, but it's cryptically. Okay. It sounds like they're just speaking normally, but really they're giving information secretly. Right, right, right.

So it's like a code there. Right. That's, yes. And I guarantee there was some of that going on in this routine. Sure. But it really seemed like this woman was psychic. And so the entire show was the dude going out into the audience, getting objects, and then the woman talking about what the object was.

I mean, that you could easily pass the information to her. She's blindfolded on stage. What was weird, though, was that she could tell people's names. She could be like, oh, you know, this is your name, and your father's name is this. You guys are like, no, my name's Frank. She's like, no, you're Ted. You're Ted now. Yeah.

Pass. She just points towards everybody like, Michael, you there. Sarah. Pointing in the rafters. And so there's this one part where the guy gets a ring from a woman. This woman was sitting. There was probably 100 people in the audience, not a huge crowd. So the guy gets this ring from a woman.

He goes to the front of the stage. The psychic is still blindfolded. She's like, ah, yes. And the woman is there. And the psychic's like, yeah, this is a gift that's commonly given in marriage. It is a ring. It's a diamond ring. But this was not given to you for marriage.

This was the gift from someone who has passed on. Had arms. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, that was it. That was the climax of the show. He's like, yes, he did it. Yeah, you're right. She's like, this is someone who's passed on.

This was your mother who gave you this. And her name is Charlotte. And like the woman starts crying, right? It's like, how would you possibly know that? Now there's probably. There's definitely tricks. But stuff like that, if she was an actress, if she was like a plant in the audience, I could understand that more.

But there was a fair amount of stuff where it was like, how the hell could she possibly know this stuff? With every single person there was that type of thing going on? Not to that extent. No, no, no. Every single person that guessed the name of the dead mother. Of the dead mother who gave the ring, yeah. It's incredible.

And this is also. Yeah. But it was stuff like that. Yeah. Anyway, I only said that because I was talking to my brother about this a couple weeks ago. Yeah. And he's like, do you really believe in ghosts?

Like, this is bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like. What does that have to do with ghosts? Well, we were talking about the spirit world somehow. I don't remember, but it was in the same conversation. So anyway, at one point he's like, you know what? There was this time when I was in our house, our parents' house.

And he's like, I was home alone. I went into the back part of the basement, which the robbers tried to break in it was hilarious home alone sorry continue luckily like an obscure like random fact um and he's like when i came back from the back part of the basement there's these two hanging lamps that are on either side of the sofa in the basement and he said they were both swinging and he's like i don't know what that was but it wasn't fucking ghosts right man right like your brother mr skeptic over here yeah uh bill burr has a really funny bit that he's working on about how ghosts aren't real and uh he was talking about how shitty it must be to be a ghost because usually like the people that tell the stories of like it had to be a ghost or like the dumbest things. I was just brushing my teeth and I felt this cold breeze on my neck.

And all the windows were closed. Nobody else was home. It's like, is that a ghost life where he just creeps in? I got her. I got her. Jesus. I totally got her. High five, Jesus.

But yeah, I believe in ghosts. Yeah. Josh, you've told your ghost story many times. I totally got it. High five, Jesus. But yeah, I believe in ghosts. Yeah. Josh told us. You've told your ghost story many times. If you think with psychics, if we can just back the supernatural train up a bit. I think we can. It's a supernatural train. If you could prove that you're psychic, you could win $1 million from James Randy's contest.

My brother referenced this as well. Does he also have a thing for ghosts? If you can prove that there's a ghost. Okay, any supernatural thing. Or any supernatural phenomenon. Okay, he referenced this. And you would think someone... And there's several other contests out there in the world

that are similar. No one wins it. Yeah. Okay. I wonder how many people... I assume a lot of people try. Yeah, Brian Dunning actually just did a podcast on the whole thing. Huh.

And they usually show up unprepared and I don't know. It's weird. He was actually giving advice on how you should do it. If you like the cold readings and stuff like that or just what? Yeah. There's a bunch of different things that people try dousing, you know, dousing rods. What is that? Supposedly you can take a stick and it will lead you to water.

People like in the backwoods swear it works. It's like two little sticks, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know if they make them a special way. Right. To where water is, apparently. Yeah, isn't there a way you can make a compass, too? Like a leaf and water in the woods or something like that? No.

I don't know. Compasses are the weirdest thing ever. And then he could become a power ranger. I didn't invent that. Jesus. Like back in the day. Yeah. No idea. That's crazy.

It's weird that those are in phones too. Like I'm such an idiot that I'm like, my iPhone knows what direction I'm going. That's wild. I know. I feel like they like shouldn't even now be able to make this technology. Right. They're making it in like the 200s and shit.

Exactly. If you threw me out in nature, the last thing I'd be able to make is a compass. Yeah, which brings me to my next question. Magnets, how do they work? Seriously. No one knows still. We all made fun of them for that, but I have no freaking idea. I don't either.

None at all. None. John? I know all about it. Go ahead. 95% sure that there are labia involved. Labia? As in multiple labia?

Labia. Are you talking about the country in Africa? No. Talk about vaginal lips. Uh-huh. The country in Africa. Right. That's a flaming lips side project.

Really? Yeah. Well, I'm asking you. Is that i'm 95 okay okay no i i mean we know how magnets work don't we it's like negative and positive electrons people know how they work but i don't i also don't know how you make a sweater i have no idea no oh you get um get poor people in other countries to do it. Oh, right. Yeah, that's how I do it. I have a question. How do you do, like, let's say that you were on a list serve,

but you consistently weren't getting the emails from that list serve. What would you do then? God, you're catching me a little off guard here. How do I get messages from the Baltimore improv group? If you figure it out, you could probably make a million dollars. Judge Tread? Judge Judy? You'd call a daytime judge.

Leave them a voicemail. Fingers crossed they call you back. Judge Joe Brown? Judge Judy? Judge Mathis? You know Judge Mathis' original... What's the guy that stands there? The cop that's there.

What's that called? Bailiff? Yeah. He jumped out of a window and killed himself. Really? Yeah. Wait, who? Judges were that bad?

Judge Joe Mathis did? Yeah, his bailiff. Wow. His original bailiff. Was this from the court? Did he run from the court? I don't think so. He's like, you're out of order.

This whole fake court's out of order. One time John accidentally called the waitress mom. he's like, you're out of order. This whole fake court's out of order. One time John accidentally called the waitress mom. You tell this story a lot. What I don't like about this story is that I forgot that it happened, so I don't remember the details very well, but I feel like... Wait, do we have blood coming?

Oh, here comes the blood. I've heard Mike Moran say this story multiple times. Multiple times as well. So good. I thought, wasn't it like a goal? Thanks, Mom. No, it was not preconceived. No, absolutely no.

You know what? Was I trying to say ma'am? I think maybe I was trying to say ma'am. Maybe. I don't know. That's an acceptable excuse, but you said, okay, mom, or thanks, mom, or something like that. And then you looked at me in shock. So we waited for Nicolette to take her order.

I mean, for her to take Nicolette's order. Yeah. And I think that waitress also was the one who was clearly a man. A transvestite of some kind, yeah. Wow. There's a lot of layers to this movie. A lot of, yeah, a lot of lay-by. Like a neat, like a, peeling it of some kind. Wow, there's a lot of layers to this. A lot of lay-by. Peeling it back.

Definitely. It's like a seven-layer burrito. Wait, seven-layer burrito? Right? A lot of layers. Oh, blood? Got some blood there? Here it comes. Add to the cup. Here we go. Mike can't stop spitting in cups.

Oh, well, maybe we were feeling the coffee when we were swinging us around. Maybe, but it still feels heavy. I would say the coffee is probably the lightest thing. I mean, there's just a tiny trace. So it's pretty thick. I drank the entire thing. You guys ever call one of your teachers mom? No, but I am familiar with that concept, and I've actually wanted to do a joke on it, but I can't really.

I never really thought of it. What? That's a concept? Yeah, that's pretty normal. Yeah, I did it. I remember doing that in second grade. Mom? Yeah, because I went up to her and I was like, hey, Mom. Oh, sorry.

Oh, okay. So by accident. Yeah, I remember kids doing that. I thought you were intentionally calling her Mom. You're like, what? Mother, please help. I remember having discussions in kindergarten as to whether or not the teacher actually slept in the classroom. What is that?

Why do we think that? I never thought that. Remember seeing the teacher at the mall or something? Oh, that was terrifying. It was the weirdest thing. It's like an existential firestorm. Yeah, that they're real people. What the hell is a firestorm?

A great movie starring Kurt Russell. I think they just combined two cool words. Firestorm. firestorm. Sharknado. Snake eyes. Nado. There's sharks in Nado. It's a North Atlantic treaty.

Oh, I think we talked about it, though. We didn't. Yes, we did. I was here when you came up with it. We worked on it together. When I was recording the podcast last, you were not here. Okay. Okay, sure. That was somebody else.

Uh-huh. My mom, I think. Oh, boy. Mike, you have just been downright nasty at times tonight. Well, that's why it's Mr. Moran if you're nasty. Jeez. Hey, I already made that joke on Twitter. Hey, come on.

Anyway, this guy. John, I want to apologize for this guy. Guys. I'm apologizing. You know, I'm just happy to be here. Hey, I'm actually happy that you're here, too. Actually. Yeah, actually.

That's surprising, right? You ever think about just going with a mustache and no goatee like that? A little higher. Yeah. I like that. That is awful. Speaking of detectives, that's a detective. That's a pretty good mustache right there. You got a great stache. This is in no way a middle school stache.

Mike, you don't even have a mustache. Don't talk. Neither do you. You can't talk. I do have a mustache, listeners. I have a beautiful mustache right now. So does John. All right, John. Thanks for John. All right, John.

Thanks for joining us. Thanks, John. This was a lot of fun. Seriously, this was a lot of fun. I'm back anytime. Anything to plug? No, not really. Okay.

Let me throw this at you real quick before you get out of here. Please. I have a line that will be the end of a sketch, or at least somewhere in a sketch. But the punchline, I know what it is. The buildup. Why is this coming after the wrap up and the plug? The buildup, I don't know what it is. Maybe you can help me with the buildup here.

I have some ideas. But the punchline is, we have everything but plugs. Maybe this is the blunt. Oh, that was hearty. We have everything but plucks. What? Now we'll wrap it up like we always do by asking the guests if they can pick up a joke can you help me out here john um i well i guess the obvious thing seems like someone's going into

the store uh looking for maybe hair plugs maybe these bald man uh for hair plugs what store uh weaves weaves we we and weaves okay and they want hair plugs and we've got everything but plugs okay so how is that a punchline though like because it's a pun it's a pun it's a pun line a double like there has to be someone else who's like really butt plugs no no that that takes takes away from the genius of the joke. It's just a slight nod to the butt plugs. You don't have to make it obvious. Be like, butt plugs.

So the entire joke is that he's just saying butt plugs. Everything butt plugs. We have everything. Oh, I just have my teeth on this there has to be a there has to be some confusion or something like yeah it could just everything but plugs and the guy's like so you have like wigs and yeah we're everything but plugs we got wigs weaves it should be hair. No, no. Everything but plugs. It should be a sex shop called Everything But Plugs. Or maybe just a sex shop, and they just have a bunch of butt plugs on the wall. And the guy's like, like, no, because the joke is you don't have plugs. I heard you have plugs here.

And he's like, and the guy's like, hey, man, we got everything but plugs. And he's like, oh, oh, okay. So you got, like, wigs. I might be able to do that. Do you do the Rogaine? And he's like, man, we're everything but plugs. So him just asking about Rogaine, that's what you're looking for.

The guy thinks he's asking about hair plugs. The guy at the counter is talking about butt plugs. Nah. I don't know. I like John's better. The guy just comes in and asks. That's it. That's it. You don't need much more than that.

You don't have to gild the lily. So you're going to make this a sketch? Maybe. If I get the funding. It's going to be like two lives. Go to my Kickstarter. Kickstarter.com slash we haveeverythingbuttplugs. And yeah, we're trying to get $50,000.

What do you get if you donate $25,000 versus $50,000? You get everything but plugs and a t-shirt. Oh, nice. We have everything but plugs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. That's what it says on it. Oh, man. How about butt plugs? Sorry.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. No, thank you for helping out. It's been fun. Is that why you thought of it? Because you asked him if he had any plugs?

Yeah. What? I thought you just like. Oh, man. That's so weird. Why? No. Is that weird?

I thought you just decided like that was the right time to ask me about this. No. Everything's wrapped up like. Oh, and by the way. What's in the segment by asking you if you can come up with a joke? No, just a setup. I already had the punchline. That's all.

Just a scenario. I don't feel like it's that weird. Right? It was just weird timing. Well, I'm just going to edit this and put it at the beginning. You're over there dying of consumption, and you're ragging on me. What I wish we had bet was how much weight in phlegm Mike had added to the cup. Seriously. Yeah, we should weigh that. There's some phlegm Mike had added to the cup. Seriously.

Yeah, we should weigh that. There's some CCs. Mike has just been spitting into that cup nonstop. I'm sorry. I don't want to. I saw John Ulrich literally sucking on a boiled egg when I came over here today. It's true. He did.

Is that what you do in your spare time? I don't know if I have time. To suck on an egg? The boiled egg. Is this a metaphor? Was he really sucking on a boiled egg or was it another for you? Technically it wasn't boiled. Probably fried.

Fried egg. Okay. All right, this podcast has come to a screeching halt. We talked about a lot of stuff here. Everything but plugs. we talked about a lot of stuff here everything but books why is it so good yeah thank you you're you're quite i think i think just you asking people about this is gonna be way funnier than the actual sketch i'm not gonna i'm not gonna make this a mainstay of the podcast i don don't know, man. Well, yeah. All right.

I think I'm going to edit this and put this in the beginning, though, maybe. Maybe I just might jumble this whole podcast up. We'll see. Yeah. We'll see. All your heart. All right. John, thank you for joining us.

I love you, as always. It's been fun. I love you sometimes. No, thanks. Mike Moran. Yeah. I love you, too. Oh, thank you.

Even their older stuff? Yeah. Yeah. You know, not my favorite, but, yeah, I appreciate you, too. Oh, thank you. Even their older stuff? Yeah. Yeah. You know, not my favorite, but, yeah, I appreciate it because that got to where it is today. You know, that was part of it. And, Josh, I love you, too, buddy. Thanks, man. You're pretty cool.

You're cool. John Norai said that. Oh, yeah. All right, guys. All right. Everything but boys. Bye. Bye.

Bye. All right, guys. Everything but boys. Let's get out of here. Let's wrap this thing up, huh? Okay. Hey, speaking of a wrap-up, would you like to wrap? About what? Mustaches. Because everything rhymes with mustache.

Uh-huh. Bustat. What's that? Maybe the best. Bustat. That's very good. Rust Cat. I like this beat. Turn it up.

Bustat. I don't like this beat at all. I liked the beat at one point. Slow down a little bit. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah. Hanging with my peeps. Talking in my sleeps. Making omelets. Coming through the wide net. Hear my peeps. Wow. Making omelets. Coming through the wide net. Hear my peeps.

Wow. Wait, no, hold on. Let me start again. You two compliment each other so well with the hip hop. Beats and the rhymes are just... Can I be the hype man? I did peeps twice, I think. Here, yeah. Hype me up.

Okay, hold on. Yeah, I want this to be real. This is about to go down right here. We're not playing around down here. You're not putting your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air. Hey, you over there. Drop that, Teddy Bear.

Put your hands up in the air. All right, now that they're all hyped air all right now they're all hyped yeah now they're good and warm for me all right let's let's take it how many beats do you know josh a lot he's like a human being he's like jim asher j give me something to rap about oh mustaches let's give them sure uh rap about. About peeing your pants. Peeing my pants. Peeing your pants. Ready?

Uh, uh, about to feel the warmth. This ain't no trickle, it's a full on stream. There's a dampness in the back of my seat. Can't believe feeling the heat. Look at all my friends' faces. They say that kid just pissed his pants. I said I need to leave. Teachers said you got no reprieve. I want to come to your house now. Did I pee or poo? What can I see? Yellow Yeah, I wonder when it'll stop

Keep flowing, going, wanna water or crop Make it rain, y'all Can't be all the pee in the world with me When they feel the bowl Yeah, the yellow river fever Make a Vietnam reference. That's all I do. Streaming beats and streaming urine.

Talk about a flow. You don't know. Never did it. Grip, grip, grip, grip, grip. This is. I like my eye pad. Hold bladder will meet the mad bladder. Oh. This is terrible.

This is bad. This is... It's not great. I'm not going to lie. It's not great. Wow. Who would have thought that we wouldn't be good rappers? I know.

Especially about peeing. Jeez. Because what rhymes with pee? I don't know It's like the new orange You know Sure Pee is the new orange

Which is a great show On Netflix right now I don't know if you guys Are watching it Pee is the new orange Yeah it's true I like it yeah It's true

It's true Thank you.