The Digression Sessions - Ep. 87 - Mike Storck!

Episode Date: August 30, 2013

Hola Digheads! On this week’s Digression Sessions we welcome back comedian and good friend, Mike Storck who earns his golden Diggy this week, with his third appearance on the show! Mike is a veteran standup comedian who’s been in the game since before the “who’s on first bit.” Or at least since the late nineties. Mike has contributed to “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes,” won the mid-Atlantic section of HBO’s “Lucky 21,” and can tell you everything you need to know about current Mountain Dew products. We’re not kidding about this Mountain Dew knowledge Dig Heads. Mike schools Josh and Mike M. this week on the variations of Mountain Dew currently in existence (spoiler alert: there’s no “Chrystal” option).  But that’s not all DigHeads, if you download in the next ten minutes we’ll also throw in a discussion on Mike Storck’s  take on that oft-controversial, Digression Sessions, fan-favorite topic of peeing in the humidifier. And man does Mike weigh in on this one. Thanks to everyone who took the time to vote for us in the City Paper poll. You’ve won the Best of Our Hearts Award! Please subscribe to us in iTunes or favorite us in Stitcher! And keep those comments coming on the Facebook page. Thanks everyone. We love you! Come see us live! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Twitters: @MikeStorck @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshpod

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week mike stork is the guest on this week's program and as always we're super happy to have him on the show mike is uh one of the funniest and nicest guys around so it's always a good time when he comes by and mike is actually trying to get the word out about a benefit show on september 22nd at 7 p.m it's going to be at mcgo's. It's a benefit comedy show and all the proceeds go to a friend of his who was the victim of a shooting recently. His friend was trying to prevent a carjacking and he got shot in the throat twice, which is insane. One bullet went through. The other bullet is still lodged in his body. It went in through the throat and then the bullet is still lodged somewhere near his spine so his friend has huge medical bills and uh he's a really good guy so again they're trying to put

together a few shows there's definitely going to be one at mcgoobies on september 22nd 7 p.m some of the funniest comics in the area are going to be performing all proceeds go towards mike's friend get your tickets for that show because it's for a good cause. Also, there might be some other benefit shows, maybe a music show at the windup space. And you can stay up to date on that by following Mike Stork on Twitter at Mike Stork at M-I-K-E-S-T-O-R-C-K. So yeah, anything you guys can do to help. Oh man, I can't imagine. That is completely insane. Wow. Good luck to him.

And I want to say thank you guys on a less sombering note. Thank you to all the digheads out there that voted for us in the City Papers Best Of poll to get us nominated for Best Podcast in Baltimore. Thank you guys so much for voting and getting the word out, the retweets, the posts on Facebook. That was huge.

And, uh, yeah, you can still vote. Uh, we're, uh, we're in the top three. We'd love to win, but, uh, I think there's some shenanigans going on because apparently if you delete your cookies, you can vote as much as you want. But, uh But yeah, right now we're sitting at third. So, you know, do what you will. If you go to citypaper.com and you click on blogs and we are in the news and media section at the bottom of the second page. So vote early and vote often. We appreciate it, guys. Thanks so much. And you guys got us nominated for best podcast, and then we didn't put out a podcast for over a week. So that's just how punk rock we are, right? You vote us as the best, and guess what we do? We don't even

put out a podcast episode. I mean, we're crazy. We're like the G.G. Allen of this podcast game, except we don't do heroin and rub poop all over ourselves very often. So if you want to see some humor like that live, you can see me, Josh, in the flesh doing some standup and improv coming up. If you're listening to this, the day this comes out, August 31st, I will be at Liam Flynn's Ale House in Baltimore doing some improv with the Bully Union. Tuesday, September 3rd, I'll be at the Crown in Baltimore doing stand-up, a part of Chris Hudson's great new show called Everything Will Be Okay.

Lots of really funny people are doing that. A bunch of past guests from the Digression Sessions as well. And then Mike and I have a competing standup shows on Friday. Mike will be at club K in Baltimore on September 6th, doing some standup. There are some really funny people like Justin Hancock and Justin Jones. And I will be at the single carrot theater in Baltimore, Friday, September 6th doing standup alongside some really funny people.

Uh, Alex Perslowski, Damo Hicks, Raquel, uh, I don't know how to say Raquel's last name, but she's funny. So it'll be a super fun show. And, uh, please come out to any of those shows. If you can, as always go to digression sessions.com slash calendar to stay up on all the shows. So that's it for the plugging. It almost feels shameful to plug stuff like that when something so serious as getting shot in the throat is. God, that's so that's insane. So, yeah, please go to Magoobies.com and get your tickets for the show on September 22nd to benefit Mike Stork's good friend and help him out with some of those medical bills. And, you know, as always, we really appreciate you guys listening. If you'd like the

show, tell a friend, follow us on Twitter. I'm at better robot. Josh, Mike Moran is at Michael Moran 10 and Mike Stork is at Mike Stork and the podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod. So thank you guys so much for listening. Let's get into the episode. Thank you. It's so weird on those. All right. You guys ever watch those shows on like gangs, like gangland and stuff? I hate that. Yeah.

I love it. You hate it? I hate it. It's so great i'll explain but uh it's funny whenever they show somehow they're taking like last photos of their gang in prison first of all it'll have them all lined up for a portrait all right fellas now let's do one for fun everybody make a silly face and they're all like throwing up their sets and stuff yeah and and they black out their eyes they put a little

bit of marker on their eyes but they have all these identifying tattoos all over their bodies right one that says i am jerry yeah a real big i am an aryan nazi with their social security number right there was there was actually a case uh at one point where a man uh had the murder scene of his crime tattooed on his chest, and that was used as evidence in court. Wow. What an idiot. Yeah, recently there was New York City police made the biggest gun bust,

I think, in recent history because this guy was just posting a bunch of photos on Instagram of all his guns. Like, yeah, look at all this. Right. The cops were like, oh, that's cool. We'll take those, and you'll be going to jail and he's like supposed to be looking all hard he was he was a underground rapper and he had like a mixtape stuff yeah he was just bragging about all his guns and everything yeah that's

that's what happened with my uh child porn you have all those instagram pictures yeah and i rapped about it on my mixtape yeah look at all this kitty ass y'all can't hang on pictures of children kitty ass first place of flight yeah i don't like that i i've watched it but i don't like it because it's like you you know, maybe the first six episodes, it's like, you know, the Crips, the Bloods, the Hells Angels, the Aryan Brotherhood, the MS-13, you know, whatever. The Partridge family. The Partridge family. The Catholic Church. Right.

But it's just it's gotten to the point where it's like, you know, they're doing gangs. Right. And it's like the the fifth street regulars and it's like just like like six dudes that like hang out on the fucking porch help each other cheat on their taxes right that's the extent of their criminal activity yeah it's just like they're it's like they're desperate for a gang kind of thing i mean it's like that's not really well maybe i just haven't dug so far into it that i've gotten to the uh boring games they've jumped the shark basically right you know that's how the shark got in the gang

i don't know how i feel about letting a shark into our gang is all i'm saying that's how i went down the shark can hear you. It's just flailing on the bed. I don't know if he's full area or not. A bunch of guys kicking a shark in an alley. They did it to me, and look at me. Block out the shark's eyes. He's in the lineup. We don't know which one's the shark.

Or he turns state's evidence, and they have to do the interview with the shark. Or he turns state's evidence. And they have to do the interview with the shark. It's all blurred. And then he's doing his voice. Yeah, when I was first inducted. They need Instagram photos to prove that it was him. He's talking like Jabberjaw. Certainly.

It's roaring like the shark and jaws of the revenge that it shows the boss of the gangs like i wish i knew who that motherfucker was i swear to god if i ever figured out all we know is that he swam up to the police station he's the one that can't go backwards always moving that guy always moving all right mike story um first question you done eating donuts uh yeah okay i would just say for the duration of the podcast i lied look at you you're trouble i'll eat while you talk okay uh there's gonna be like white donut sugar all over this windscreen. White power donuts.

Did I ever tell you about the time about when I was a kid in Harrisonburg, somebody spray painted a swastika on the Micromac with the words white power? What's a Micromac? It's a white power church. No, it's a a supermarket like a local supermarket and um and then somebody else spray painted a big white donut over the swastika and changed it to eat more white powdered donuts that's pretty sweet that's good it's like that uh there's an snl sketch a while ago with rudy giuliani and there was supposed to be like an anti-graffiti thing just like if you want to do graffiti in New York you think you're gonna tag well look what we're

gonna do and it was like something it was like uh it was like killer jay and like the name looks real cool and they just had a stencil just right they wrote eats it underneath it's like what do you think of that criminals the problem with like gang graffiti though is I have no idea what the hell it says yeah you know it'd be we'd be able to parody it and make it silly if we knew what they were saying. Yeah. But it's always just... I'll tell you, though, it shocks me where that stuff shows up. Oh, the tags?

Are they, like, risking their lives to, you know, like, get it on, like, the back of highway signs? That is always funny, yeah, when you see, yeah, like, like the the road sign like the exit 57 or whatever and it's like mark like really like like he's got like a rope and three buddies lower down like like a mission impossible yeah he's got like the light on a helmet you know just dies like falls off of a highway overpass or something that'd be hilarious. It's like, Stiv. Everybody's like, man, Stiv's the coolest. I like how the V that went like the V just sort of drops. It's like Steve. It's like a comment on society, you know.

And anyways, that's where we're going to put the teddy bears. I had a friend. This is one of the best graffiti I ever heard was he went out to a cow field. And, like, he used to tip cows, right? And then he got bored with us. Then he got cheap. That's how it goes. Tipping cows is a gateway to criminal activity. That's how it starts.

So he's tipping cows. A lot of cows charge a gratuity automatically, too, if it's a party of five or more, by the way. Yeah. He's gone. Unless it's a. activity. That's how it starts. So he's tipping cows. A lot of cows charge a gratuity automatically, too, if it's a party of five or more, though, by the way. Yeah. He's gone. Unless it's... Anyway. Depending on who the headliner is.

But, yeah, so after a while, he got bored with that. So what he did was he would go out there with a can of spray paint and he would spray paint shit on the cows. Yeah. And the one field he spray painted former bob rules like farmer bob waking up hungover he's like did i do whatever man farmer steve's like oh really we'll see about that give me those pigs and that's how the gang of farmers started uh yeah i had a similar thing when i was in high school when i was a freshman the seniors did that too there was a farm like

down the street like a small farm down the street from our high school and uh one day the sheep had seniors to 2k2 rule spray paint it's like that's yeah you guys proved it yeah so that's it your status is the best thing yeah we fucking spray painted those sheep yeah yeah at my high school there was a there was like a little field kind of within that like enclosed by the school and uh one day there was like a goat and something else maybe a smaller goat right spray painted orange or something yeah inside of there very weird very cool i know uh take that livestock somebody hit lock raven senior one year where they what they did was they took weed killer or grass killer and they just basically wrote you know you guys suck or we're number one or whatever yeah on the giant hill facing the school. Wow. So it's just like this dead grass message.

Forever. Forever. For like months. You know, nothing would grow there. Oh. All right. Mike Stork. How the hell are you?

I'm good. I'm hiding behind the wings. I know, yeah. I'm all right. We don't know what's going on in that face. It's like Bane. Mm-hmm. Hard on. I can't do Bane's voice.

Can you keep going? I want to hear your impression. From Batman and Robin 1997, please. Show me the body. I have to hear it. Should we turn that air conditioner off? No. It's fine. Geez. We consider it the fourth guest.

It's a nice hum. People have become accustomed to it. It's a nice hum. Like people have, they've become accustomed to it. We've gotten a lot of compliments on the hum. They're like, hate the podcast, but love the hum. A lot of people listen just for the hum. And I'm fine with that, to be honest with you. Moran, I could give or take, but the air conditioner is the thing that ties it all together. Yeah, Color Me Funny actually just booked the hum for a headlining.

He'll be headlining Sean Boland coming up in September. I heard that. Yeah, they bumped Mike Turpin for the air conditioner. Yeah, he was pissed. But, you know, I think he'll land on his feet. Yeah. So, yeah. You did a good challenge.

I'm good. You're good? Yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen you in a minute. Yeah, I've been just doing other miscellaneous shit. Uh-huh. Summertime, I tend to go out on the bike a lot in canada obviously yeah you like to ride a tandem bike in canada that's your thing to each

his own and yeah um i don't know i haven't uh i haven't been hitting as many of the local shows yeah i'll you know pop out once in a while but you know if i'm working out some new shit right so but i actually i've been writing a lot of new stuff yeah so i did a new bit at dark horse uh was that wednesday night uh-huh and uh it was i was out riding like Monday or something. And, uh, and I remembered something from years ago, an observation that a friend of mine and I made. And, uh, you're like, shit, I got to write this down. I was like, no hands on the bike. Right.

Yeah. Then I hit a tree sitting down, face planted into a Starbucks. And, uh, but yeah, so like, uh, so it was like, all right. I was like, I think it's, I think that it's funny i think i know how to make that work so uh so i just kind of jotted down like a couple key words to remind me of it and uh i did it wednesday and it fucking hit really well i mean it did much better than i'd even hoped it would do. Really? So it's like the wording just kind of fell together. So unfortunately I didn't record it. So I'll have to try to piece back together.

Do you, do you record all your sets? No, I should, but why, why not? Yeah. You,

I forget. Come on, buddy. Yeah, I know. Come on. Yeah. That's the thing.

It's like, usually like if I'm doing something new and i'm like all right i'm just gonna kind of chuck it out there and see right see what happens if i don't record it inevitably it's like usually that first or second time it's like i it just comes out the right way and i'm like that's it that's how i need to you know yeah the order made sense like i explained this part then i get to this right then i start talking about x y and z and it's set up you have all your pauses and all that stuff yeah it just kind of it works and then yeah if i don't record it and then i try to like remember it and

do it like the third fourth fifth and sixth time it's like you leave something out and it's like you know chasing the dragon man yeah so yeah it's like uh icarus out and it's like, you know. Chasing the dragon, man. Yeah. It's like Icarus when he spilled that soda. I know. Call back to a joke that nobody knows. That happened in the kitchen. It wasn't really even a joke back then.

Well, I don't know. That's up for debate. There's nothing funny about wasted cola. I'm sorry to you, Shilling, for big cola. Air conditioner doesn't waste cola. No, it does not. No. Coke either.

What happens if you put soda in the humidifier? It would just flow out. We talked about this. Like an evil thing to do would be to piss in a humidifier. I think I might have told you about that. Really? I don't think so. I think that came up between us organically in one episode.

Okay, because there's a story. I don't know. Of a boy named Mike. No, there was Mike. And he peed in a humidifier. There was a friend of mine. They were going to school in frostburg landlord they had a house and their landlord was like a complete shithead yeah i can see that and

you know never fixed anything a heater didn't work like all this kind of stuff right and uh and then like after all this like four years of bullshit, the guy was going to stiff them for their security deposit. So the one roommate was like, okay, fine, fuck this guy then. So what he did was for about, I'll say, a month, he just started eating lots of asparagus. And basically, anytime he had to take a piss, he would piss in a milk jug. Oh. Then he went to a hunting store and he got deer lure, which is essentially just female deer piss. He got like, say, like a bottle or two of that. And the last day when they're like, everybody's clearing their stuff out of the house, once the whole place was cleared out, he said, okay. And he took a humidifier and he filled it with, like, say, two gallons of his own, like, rancid, stinky piss.

And, you know, two little things of deer piss. Wow. And just, you know, opened all the doors within the house but shut all the windows. Right. And just basically turned the humidifier on so every wall every just permeated into everything you have to pull the sheet rock out you'd have to rip the carpet up i mean there's no so yeah i thought that was like a brilliant yeah yeah i like that he went the extra mile too he's like sure i've got two jugs of my own piss but what would really put this over the top some deer piss absolutely that's what really you know yeah it is well done sir that's

a call back to a tweet of mine that's the great thing about tweets is that you can call back to your own jokes no one's the wiser they think you just came up with it yeah well i mean suckers yeah really where does he get his material okay this guy uh so what else have you been up to you've been canada doing stand-up up there yeah um did mcgoobies back in what july i think uh-huh and Oh, yeah, yeah. How were those shows? It was good. It was tricky because it was July 4th weekend, so a lot of people were out of town.

That's right, yeah. Because I was going to try to record that show. Yeah. That's right. Whatever happened. I had a show those nights. I had a show both nights because we were doing a sketch show, actually. Okay.

Yeah. So that was the thing. Yeah. we were doing a sketch show actually okay yeah so that was the thing yeah um so yeah so i had i had two uh two comics came down from uh toronto uh-huh and uh alex wood and matt uh watson and the uh alex featured matt kind of did like sort of like a guest body show cool and uh it was good awesome man the crap it was actually more i expected it to be like a complete ghost town And it was good. Awesome, man. It was actually more, I expected it to be like a complete ghost town. Yeah. But it was actually like the numbers were surprisingly good.

Yeah, because it was July 5th and 6th. Yeah. So everything had kind of passed. Yeah, I thought it was, you know. Awesome. Eight people. But no, it was like actually quite. Yeah, let me know when you go back.

I would love to record those shows. Yeah, it'll probably be a bit. Yeah, a few months or so and i actually was going through some of the recordings that we did before yeah a while ago that's actually one of the things that i've been doing like the last like couple weeks is going through because i had to get a new laptop and uh so i'm kind of going through like i've got so many recordings i bet yeah i of just different shows and stuff a lot of it's not usable like i could listen to it to try to pick out a few bits here and there right and then see if there's anything you missed and right but the thing but other than that there's like ghost voices and stuff yeah like look under the bed yeah it's a lot of reel to reel yeah there's

piss in the walls i'm teaching myself final cut because i'm going to start like you know editing some stuff and film shooting some stuff oh yeah yeah what what kind of stuff what are we talking about porn uh-huh right bukkake yeah bukkake like uh you know uh satanic snuff bukkake. Hey, that sounds good. That could be a genre, like the horror bukkake. Cake farts. Yes. So it could be like mailbox fuckers. Mike Stork puts the boo in

bukkake. Or boo cake. Oh, a beautiful boo cake. Yeah, I really didn't know how to pronounce it for a long time. Boo-coo cake. There's boo-coo cake on that woman's face. Those guys just laid it on thick. A lot of icing.

A lot of icing. Yeah. But, yeah, just, like, videos and stuff like that. Yeah, like, sketch stuff? Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha.

And I've got some stuff. Like, I'm doing, I don't know. Like, I've got some ideas for stuff I'm going to do on Vine. But, like, you can only do so much in six seconds. I don't know, like I've got some ideas for stuff I'm going to do on Vine, but like you can only do so much in six seconds. I don't know, man. I've got some Oscar nominated stuff. I've ruined relationships in less than six seconds. Started them, ended them, got back together, and then ruined them again.

Yeah. Six seconds. But yeah. Okay. Hey, maybe we can do a Vine collab though. All right. Those are fun. We can tag each other. Yeah big plans we got big plans although i did discover to my dismay that people have

already started using vine for uh porn oh yeah the suicide man do what i said uh the suicide girls are on there i know that oh really Oh, really? Yeah. I follow them. What are we talking here? Well, I don't remember. I mean, I'm assuming everything's there. Also, yeah, why to your dismay? Oh, just because it's like, I don't know. It offends your Christian sensibility?

Yeah, you know, my virgin eyes. Nah, it's, you know. And your virgin penis. Oh, yeah. Dry as a bone. I could hardly make it to the Bukake later i was so cake went to the bukkake party the church hockey revival mother theresa and a bukkake um but uh i don't know you know it's like one of those like uh it's like i don't know like there's there's enough porn already yeah i don't know it's not one of those like ah it's like i don't know like there's there's enough porn already yeah i don't know it's not like we have i don't know if we don't support this porn thing

i don't know if we're going to survive on the internet it's struggling yeah struggling it's like the post postal service well the porn's taking a huge hit because the whole library uh boom right now yeah everybody's nobody nobody's watching porn anymore. They're busy hanging out at the library. Learning about history. It's like, look, these porn stars got like... I hate it when you see

those montages on the news about all the porn factories shutting down. Oh, yeah, yeah. Whole economies just decimated. It's a real problem yeah you see those lines of really well-built guys and their uh helmets they have on and yeah they can make kids standing in the soup line oh it's it's embarrassing yeah like sherman oaks california it's just like every house is boarded up with plywood on the windows yeah guys selling their

cock rings to the fucking uh yeah you go in the pawn shop it's a pawn shop and it's all like cocktails and cock rings and anal lube like you can literally buy anal lube it's cheap you can buy 55 gallon yeah drum yeah it's for like a dollar 99 i think yeah thanks obama yeah is this is this obama's america i don't like it i don't like it for like $1.99, I think. Thanks, Obama. Is this Obama's America? I don't like it. I don't like it. So besides porn on Vine, anything else bothering you, Mike?

You want to clear the air on anything? I don't know. You got anything in mind? No. I'll tell you what cries my ears. Here we go. Our new segment with Mike Stork. Tell you what cries my gears here we go our new segment with mike story tell you what butters bob often i was talking with freddy by country crock let's take a second here comic up in uh scranton he was saying to him and uh this other guy they'll just do that like

through their whole set like if he's like if he's featuring and the other guy's headlining yeah uh like just just how many euphemisms they can come up with i'll tell you one thing that plucks my strings when you go to a mcdonald's and blah blah blah blah right and just you know and then like four or five minutes later he'll be like uh i tell you what puts a light bulb in my land when you're in a dunkin donuts and a guy blah blah i'll tell you what bleach is light bulb in my land. When you're in a Dunkin' Donuts and a guy blah, blah, blah. I'll tell you what bleaches my asshole. Yeah. An immigrant woman.

I'll tell you what, Joey, it's my butafuco. Butafuco. Butafuco. Hey. All right. Yeah, I think the last time I saw you was at a. Do what? You know what?

Bud's my Dwyer. Bud's my Dwyer. I saw you at Red House for, for like that final show there and okay i ended up going up at uh 1 30 i think jesus it was insane in the afternoon yeah yep the next day yes no well that's what i said when i got up there it's like god like why are you guys all still here this is insane this is the first show i've ever showed up the day before. Right. And now I'm going up.

Right. And I got nothing from the audience. Because, like, yeah, we're still here, too. We get it. It's a long show. I was like, I don't think you guys are getting it. This is fucking stupid. Why are we all here?

And proceeded to bomb. Set myself up real well. You didn't have a killer set at 1.30 in the morning when an audience has been bludgeoned to death? It's probably on like a Tuesday too. Does Dave have your kids in a basement? Like why the fuck? Why would you stay? It was Wednesday night. Yeah. 1.30 in the morning.

And you know what? He might be rude to leave. Yeah. It's a bringer to the basement. I could see this podcast episode making an appearance in court. Yeah. Do basement. I could see this podcast episode making an appearance in court. Yeah. At some point. Do what?

I could see this audio recording making an appearance in court. Oh, yeah. Audio evidence. Dave wants to kill the president. Speaking of bombing, Dave Schofer has a lot of bomb-making materials. I know, right? Fucking ammonium nitrate. That guy.

I don't know. If I worked for the government, I'd want to take a look in that basement. He has purchased a lot of propane lately. Just a lot. How many grills could he possibly have? Not that many. Summer's almost over, too. Put it together.

My dad had the Department of Homeland Security show up at his house once for a bomb. Really? Yeah. He has a really bad temper. Well, first he's bad with technology, and then he can get pretty angry pretty easy. He's a member of Al-Qaeda. Yeah, but that's par for the course. From a simpler time. He lives in Tawny Town, which that's par for the course. But he... From a simpler time.

He lives in Tawny Town, which is like the sticks of Maryland. It's past Westminster. Yes. I didn't know there was anything past Westminster. Yeah, exactly. That's why it was called Westminster. And then you just fall off the earth there. It's the Westminster of Westminster.

Wow. Yeah, so he has this computer. And when when he first got there he's getting the internet and uh the verizon guy uh verizon sold him one of those like usb things have i told this story in the podcast before i think possibly i think i know but uh like those usb things that you put in your computer like the to get the internet it's like a hot spot whatever thing and uh wasn't working for him and he's he's going nuts and so he calls up the uh the help hotline and the guy's like well uh what sorry wait this is using the cell tower is the uh i guess i think so so yeah he calls up

verizon and they're like well uh uh mr swerdloff we're sorry it doesn't work but if you send it to us uh we'll gladly uh send you a new one he's like yeah but i send it to you with a fucking bomb in it oh my god yeah is that the type of thing you'll say often no i mean there's probably more like going back and forth and i think he was mad that they were still gonna bill him even though it wasn't working and like the speeds that he was promised and they were telling him it doesn't work as well because of the trees remember he told me that too i was just laughing so much like he's on the phone he's like because of the fucking trees i can't get internet how the there's trees for you cut the tree he's out there for trees when he's out there the next day with a chainsaw. I need to look at porn.

No one keeps me away from my bootcake films. So, yeah. And then he sends the part back, and then he gets a call from Verizon, and it's like whatever manager that works there. He's like, Mr. Schwartloff, I just got a box here from you, and I just want you to know Department of Homeland Security has been notified. We don't want to open it. We're going to have bomb-sn at it all this shit oh my god and so he thought the guy was like just fucking with him give him give him a hard time and then i'm pretty sure it's like a couple days later maybe the next day knock at the door he

looks out he sees it's three gentlemen in suits and they've blocked the driveway with two ford explorers wow like hi mr swartloff we heard you uh sent a package to verizon you mind if we come in have a look around and uh he convinced him he wasn't crazy somehow he hid all the bomb making materials okay just in time did he let him in yeah he let him in the thing that saved him actually is he uh hid his copy of the turner diaries right um he uh he rebuilt cars so he had a uh like a 1969 firebird in there and one of the people one of the department homeland security is like a gearhead they're like oh look at this blah blah they didn't even go in his basement they're like oh he's probably he's got a car with a fire it's a 69 firebird it's fucking cool it's got crag of rims on it it can't be

so i like to i like to fuck with my dad now when i'm on the phone with him just like hey so you still uh doing that thing a little it's like that's not funny i'm like i know i know what about those prostitutes in the basement how's that going going? So, yeah, that's our tax money at work. Went after my dad. Because I guess you probably fit some type of profile. Like it's some nut out in the woods of like Western Maryland. It's like, well, I can't get internet. I'll blow you up.

Yeah. They could probably go into a search history, you would think. Yeah, I think so. But it sounds like at that point you didn't have much of a history on the internet yeah how to make bomb this page won't load i can't load the bomb page this page is the bomb i went to uh aljazeera diy.org and uh i can't really get the pdf to download i don't know how much of this stuff I'm supposed to fill the van with. I don't know. I mean, I guess it's an IED at this point, but who's to say?

I don't know. I couldn't print the page. My ass is an IED. Right, ladies? Hey, now. Taco Bell IED in my butt because of the farting and the poop all right yeah poop joke equals diarrhea uh how's that for a joke tweet it dude you should write that down i think so that's i yeah you know what the funny thing is like a bit as cliche as like the whole mexican

food diarrhea thing is i don't think it really has ever done that like i don't just get diarrhea from i've had it a couple i've maybe like i don't know twice like i go to this there's this one place i used to go to all the time and i was like i was like oh that was good and like 20 minutes later i'm like god damn it but i mean is it any different than if you ate like a burger or like heavy i don't know probably not well i don't know it's like uh what did i eat i ate something once it's real spicy it was like maybe like thai or something and somebody's like oh okay you're gonna you're gonna hate that i'm like what are you talking about at least whatever you know and uh but then

i you know i had like really gone overkill with like the hot sauce and all that shit and the peppers. And then it's like, you know, yeah, I could definitely feel two hours. I can feel too much hot sauce coming out of me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hot poops and hot farts. Always trouble.

Always trouble. Right. Well, a hot fart is nice because that's just like I don't talk. It's like a heater. It's like your rectum has its own heater i don't i don't like this this always happen no we're about to hit the political segment next but yeah we've got to get to the hot parts or else our uh sponsor uh coca-cola will be very angry with us and we do not want to upset them do we mike no do we oh you're all right you all right over there? All right.

Just trying to not break the microphone. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. You're much better than a normal riffraff we bring in here. A bunch of finazzos. Yeah. Mike finazzos.

You're Brandon Lascures. You're months. You're Sinbazzos. Finazzos. You're Sinbads. Stavrosos. Stavrosos. Stavrosos. Stavrosos. Stavrosos. Oh. Stavros. Stavros. Stavros.

Stavros. Stavros. Stavros. You know. Yeah. Go ahead. No. You were going to say something.

It wasn't funny. Spit it out. It wasn't funny. Come on. Now we really want to hear it. Come on, buddy. Mike. Unlike Tommy Cimbasso, I keep the unfunny ones to myself.

Bam! That wasn't that funny. Tommy, get in there. I told you. You could have warned us beforehand that that wasn't going to be that funny. You just peed in our metaphorical humidifier. I just like ripping on other comics sometimes. Yeah.

Yeah. You know who I've had enough of? This Jerry Seinfeld. I just like ripping on other comics sometimes. Yeah, you know I've had enough of this Jerry Seinfeld. I know, what a douche. Yeah. Yeah, we've noticed that buddy. Well, what's the deal? I actually had Taco Bell

Wednesday night. I got a... What did I get? One of those smothered... The ones where they pour the sauce on it and it comes in a bowl so you can eat it like it's actually like real food. You're like, whoa, it's like, I mean. There's a bowl. It must be legit. Yeah, it's fucking, this is some straight ass.

I can't eat the wrapping. Yeah. I'm not unwrapping it, you know. And it was actually not bad. I was kind of surprised. I have a guilty love of Taco Bell. Yeah, I don't eat it that often, but it's like once in a blue moon, I'll be like, I want a grilled stuffed burrito or something.

Yeah. My favorite's the Baja Blast, the Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Oh, yeah. You can only get that at Taco Bell. Shit's so fucking good. Blue Mountain Dew, eh? No, no, no. It's like...

It's red, isn't it? No, it's... That's Code Red. You guys are so clueless. Code Red is red. How many Mountain Dews exist these days? Several. There's regular.

There's Code Red. There's White Out. Wait, wait, wait. What the hell is White Out? White Out is almost like a frescaca white grapefruit kind of flavor. White grapefruit Mountain Dew. Yeah, yeah. You know way too much about Mountain Dew.

Voltage, which is blue. I'm going to say it's like a raspberry something something flavor. It's like this is wine. Kind of an oaky aftertaste. You know, it's light. What year is this? It's fun, though. It's free without seeing.

I will send it back to the 7-Eleven if it's not fresh. It's kind, though. It's free without seeing. I will send it back to the 7-Eleven if it's not fresh. It's kind of like blue Freezy Pop. Sure. Right. You're holding up the Mountain Dew to the light, rolling it around in your hand. Well, you can tell by when you watch it come down the glass. Yes.

That's how you can tell. Yeah. You have to spin it as though like a pencil. You want to go counterclockwise. Yes. Yeah. Oh have to spin it as though like a pencil. You want to go counterclockwise. Yes. Yeah. Oh, that's, that's, yeah. Okay.

So we got, we got classic. Classic. We got blue. Voltage. Voltage. Excuse me. Blue voltage. Just voltage.

Code red. Which is red. Blue? Blue? What is code red? Get out of my sight. What the fuck is this? What is code red?

Is that Tabasco? That's red. It's cherry. Cherry. Okay. You have... All right. White.

Regular. White. Red. Okay. White. Shut up. Voltage, which is blue. Voltage, which is blue.

You have live wire. New voltage, which is blue. Live wire, which is like an orange... I cannot believe all these mountains exist since I left the world. Dude, we haven't even gotten into the... All right. So... Live wire, which is like an orange cherry citrus. Since I left the world. We haven't even gotten into the... Alright, so... Then you have throwback. I haven't been in college in a while.

Throwback is amazing. Wait, okay. Let's back the truck up just one notch here. Beep, beep. What did you say before throwback? You have live wire. Not live wire. There were no Jews in 9-11?

No, I misheard you. Go ahead. You had pitch black. What is pitch black? That was black grape. Okay. You were mad at us for the hot fart talk. You're like, no, no, no.

We're talking about Mountain Dew. Can we move on to the hot fart talk you're like no no no we're talking about Mountain Dew so can we move on to some hot fart Mountain Dew okay no hot fart that's uh Tabasco and uh yeah Sriracha flavor and it's not hot fart that's what I want extreme fart right that's what I want you want I want friend there's. What else? I got it. Live Wire, which was tied to Halo 3. Wait a minute. Why the fuck would the Mountain Dew executives think that they would have anything to do with video games? That they could mix those two markets?

What? All right. I don't get it. They're more the hot key crowd. Yeah. I don't. Whatever. Well, if you go to some places in other countries, a lot of the, like, internet cafes where there's a lot of gamers hanging out,

they'll have those, like, aloe drinks where there's, like, actual chunks of aloe. Really? Why? Floating in the drink. Why? It doesn't sound popular. What? Like, are you talking about? It's like you're drinking vomit.

It's pretty awful. Like a digital cafe or, like, one of those video game kind of centers? It's, see, we don't really have them in the States. It's like we go in and it's like an internet cafe, right? We have like, you know, 50 computers. You pay like a certain amount per minute or something. Right. Or you can get an hour or whatever.

Yeah. But then you also have a lot, I would say maybe at least half or more of you know the the computers or the terminals or whatever are more or less dedicated to uh to gaming right and it's like online gaming kind of shit but they don't have like there are other places in like asian stuff with like playstation 3 set up yeah same thing like arcades yeah it's the same it's usually all under the same roof and uh you know like there's one in montreal that was like on the ground floor of the uh the hotel that they would put you in and like you go in you know it's the hotel gives you internet but if you wanted to you could go there and i wonder why arcades in america haven't converted

to that just setting up a playstation what do you is? Well, just the same model that other countries are using. Yeah, but do arcades even exist anymore? That's what I'm saying. Why didn't they change over to those? Because you can just do it at home. You can play online with other people. These things are popular in other countries. Well, because you want to call people a faggot

and racial expletives from the comfort of your own home. You don't want to have to go out for it. But why do foreigners like that? Well, because they're a bunch of faggots and racial expletives from the comfort of your own home right you don't want to have to go out for it you know but why do why do foreigners like that well because they're a bunch of faggots and racial expletives i think a lot of them just don't they don't have the gaming system they might not have the internet really yeah well you got to remember we have much more infrastructure here than you get in a lot of other countries yeah well, well, Asia's pretty far ahead of us. I think South Korea has, like, the best internet in the world. North Korea? No, North, sorry. Not so much.

North Korea does. Well, they tell the North Koreans. Their internet is like two cups and a string. I'm on the internet. I'm on Google. Internet. Hello, Google? Yes.

I just typed in Tiananmen Square and the internet shut down. How much does a chicken weigh? Four pounds Thanks Google I have the internet What does chicken taste like? I'll never know because I live in North Korea They're constantly trying to steal their wifi Welcome to Facebook

Welcome to Facebook Hey man can I the border. Welcome to Facebook. Hey, man, can I get a little bit of that Wi-Fi? Come on, man, just a little bit. Welcome to Facebook. This is Gary. What can I do for you? Hey, I'd like to poke Cheryl real quick if I could. All right, and you said you went to school with her in 1987.

Okay, you want to see her summer pics from 2012. A little weird, but sure. Let's take a look. She has those blocks. Sorry, buddy. He's just describing the picture to him. She's jumping. It looks like her boobs are pretty big. Yeah, supple but firm.

The guy she's with is not that good looking, so you might have a shot. Oh, sorry, that's her brother. Sorry. Oh, yeah, so she is in a relationship sorry yeah yeah but it's complicated so hey hey looking up look things are looking up uh my girlfriend watched a documentary on um north korea and it specifically followed some of the girls that are involved in like those huge games you know like you ever see the stuff online where it's like 50 million north koreans and they're all doing choreography and like 50 yeah that's

like half of yeah there's a lot it's like half of pyongyang you know but you know what i'm talking about like the huge like show all for the great games for the great leader yeah but they show her preparing and they like her life at home. And in every apartment in North Korea, they have, like, not megaphone, but, like, intercom thing. Yeah. So weird. It's like 1984. Yeah. Where, like, the national, like, government message is piped in.

They're like, hey, we're still the best. America's the worst. You know, like, stuff like orders that they get. Yes. And since their infrastructure is so shitty, they just have rolling blackouts now and again. They would show them they're eating dinner in their apartment

and then the power would just go out. They would blame it on Americans. Completely serious. Fucking Americans. That's what we do. We can't wait to put your power out for 15 minutes. Flip the switch. It is a little scary

that Dennis Rodman is the one who seems to be carrying the most power in this situation as far as Americans. A weirdo. He's like, he seemed fine to me.

Seemed like a cool dude. I don't know why everybody's not being chilled as the guy. That's so weird. Like, I feel like as Americans we can never really

quite grasp or understand a cult of personality like that we couldn't imagine just like worshipping a leader and trusting them completely and making them like a celebrity unless like Elvis backed him like I wouldn't

oh boy well that's North Korea is probably the most extreme example of that too yeah maybe like because when kim jong-il died like people were like legitimately like weeping right now i feel like a lot of them were some were but it was funny to see the ones that had to fake it like there's a woman like oh no oh no yeah how will i get my gruel now? I thought you were going to say, how am I going to get my gruel back? That was a big movie in North Korea, how Stella got her gruel back. Where did I leave my gruel?

Maybe the great leader knows. But he's dead now. And thus my sorrow. My extreme sorrow. I guess that's the end of all of our countries oh wait his son's at sailing his son's in charge turkey's the same way with otter turk really yeah he's not alive anymore but he rules oh but he ruled turkey and his name was otter turk otter turk by coincidence it's like you are k like bill america yeah right america my name's america and i'll be right back what are you doing i'm getting something

he's reaching for a bag of cocaine and don't give me any of that blue shit it's high voltage or nothing no i have coca-cola he's like don't give me that shit coca-cola i prefer some mountain dew please gross made by north korea you know at one time pepsi was like the uh the white trash version of coca-cola why you don't say come on did i just break it no it was like the high voltage of coca-cola actually did you know mountain dew was originally designed specifically with the purpose of being mixed with whiskey really do people still do that a lot i don't think anybody does it yeah i've never heard of it i did it once just on a lark yeah like it was like oh we're you know

we're out of coke no more whiskey and coke and i'm like look at mountain dew i like mountain dew i just mix the two and i'm like this is fucking good really and then like however many years later i found out that's what cirrhosis of the liver and diabetes at the same time it's about that time all my teeth fell out and I said, hey, wait a minute. What in tarnation? How bold did you betray me? I dumb fixed it. I loved you.

Mike, do you drink? No, not really. Yeah. Are you sober? No. You just don't enjoy it? I drank a lot. Yeah.

So you got it in. Yeah. Oh, I more than. More than so you got it in yeah oh i more than more than uh you got up in them more than words was this song of karaoke for years i've fallen down entire flights of stairs and like didn't even let go of the beer finish the song no really like literally i was in ocean city one time you're still holding your cocktails, like, perfectly. Yeah. The brandy snifter.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Not a single olive fell out of my... Your leg's, like, broken underneath you. Yeah. He's bleeding profusely. But I still have the toothpick. Excuse me, madam. Or dog.

I can't tell the difference. It's like how you convince yourself that you're drinking still classy. With a snifter? Just have an olive. Yeah. Just put an olive in everything. Just poke it in a PBR can. You show up at the methadone clinic with an olive.

Damn, real. What does methadone taste like? You drink high voltage methadone. If it tastes like something, then nothing. Right. You'd be like, oh, this is... Yeah, is that what you do? Do you drink methadone?

Do I personally? Mike Moran, it's taken us 46 minutes, but I want to get to it. Do you drink methadone, sir? I've gotten to shooting it. Have you? No, I'm pretty sure you drink it. Yeah, I think it's a beverage. I thought so.

Right? No, I think it's a pill. Well, that's why they have all those methadone machines around. Maybe it's a pill. I'm pretty sure it's it. Yeah, I think it's a beverage. I thought so, right? No, I think it's a pill. Well, that's why they have all those methadone machines around. Maybe it's a pill. I'm pretty sure it's a pill, yeah. Yeah. You might be right. For some reason, I had it in my mind that they pour it before you drink it.

I don't know. There's a methadone clinic right at 36 and Falls. You want to go ask? That's what that is. Yeah, it's apparently kind of a problem. Yeah. I've heard there's some controversy. It's very weird.

Every morning on my way to work, like in between seven and eight o'clock there's just a collection of um just trashy people just going for it like all coming out of that building because it's nondescript mountain dew high voltage yeah i'll have big gulps full of methadone scratching themselves right growing neck tattoos somehow and having kids at the same time. I've heard that detoxing from methadone is like one of the worst drugs to come off of ever. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. Methadone is to get people off of heroin.

Yeah. But then you got to get off methadone. It's like just as, it's almost as effective, I think. But you know, heroin. But it allows you to function more. You know, heroin was literally invented to get people off of opium, right? Really? Yeah.

I thought heroin was opium. It is. They're all opiates. I thought it was invented by Bayer as a... I heard it was invented by Bayers, and that's why we hunt them. I thought that that company was named Bayer for, like, most of my life. Right, right. Well, I don't know if...

I mean, they use it as a painkiller, but, you know, opium... Smoking opium was, like, the my life right right no well i don't know if i mean they use it as a painkiller but yeah you know opium smoking opium was like the right right you know crack or whatever at the time and heroin was essentially like an injectable form right to try to wean people off of opium addiction and then you know you have heroin headaches it's's like just an animal that eats another animal. It just never ends. You bring in grasshoppers to get rid of the moths. I don't know. Then you bring in the moths on heroin to get rid of the spiders on meth.

Bayer, actually, is one of the companies that worked for the Nazis. Yeah, I've heard that, too. In IBM, apparently. Let's see. During the Holocaust, a German company called IG Farben manufactured the Zyklon B gas used in the Nazi gas chambers. They also funded and helped with Joseph Mengele's, quote-unquote, experiments on concentration camp prisoners. And they were part of the Pepsi challenge so get at it folks and you tell us Joseph Mengele's biggest experiment

I need all the twins Which bullet kills the Jew more efficiently? High voltage? We have two mouses, one is loaded for your standard German galootish die can seven millimeter bullets the other rifle is loaded with the bear my script script seven millimeter of a stanoop propellant which one who leave a larger exit wound take some take some mouser bear mine seven millimeter challenge find out sunday yeah tune in

did you know like a whole bunch of twins survived the holocaust because joseph mangalo was obsessed with twins really so he'd like keep him alive to do experiments and stuff on him um so just real quick to cap off that bear story that ig farben company so ig farben was let's see they turned the largest profit from work from the nazis then after the war the company was broken up and bear was one of its divisions went on to become its own company yeah so yeah keep it yeah cool cool nazis purchase for bear is a purchase against judaism yeah exactly that's why we have the sponsor aleve aleve yourself any nazis uh there's also uh oh it says here coca-cola there's a list here of 11 companies that work with the nazis and it says, number six, Coca-Cola, comma, specifically Fanta.

What? Coke played both. What role could Fanta have possibly played in the Holocaust? Fanta, Fanta, kill the juice. Don't you want? Fanta, Fanta. Don't you want? I don't want.

Kill the juice. Fanta, Fanta. Boy, let's see. All right. I'll read about this later but um hey uh mike stork what do you what do you write down over there uh just right now minutes idea um i used to it's the joseph mangal a science kid for children ages four to seven can you put a bug wings on a gypsy

how many bones are in a homosexual? Some say none. How many dents are in his forehead? Remove them all and find out. You can play with all of their impure organs. It's so fun. Perhaps you could experiment to see if you can do a skull transplant. No anesthesia included. but yeah i was uh but there are

batteries the whole bit i had like yeah you know like my like super offensive set you know it's just like uh-huh the joseph mangalo science kit you know you're like men and women are equal like whoa buddy i was with you on the mangala kid but come on that's crazy women like to shop men won't ask for directions come on i don't know where you're living it sounds like venus or mars oh man i saw a comic a couple weeks ago and uh he did this bit and it was like one of those like uh you know like you know like just one of those like really odd like easy observation uh bits like uh i can't remember what it was uh what's the deal we're saying what's the deal no but he did it like he did it like like it was like

he was all like all oh yeah just i got weird delivery which makes me different but it's like all his ideas were completely pedestrian right just hack ideas just said it's just packaged right you know right it was like but every but most of the crowd fell for it i was like wow you guys are just you sheep weak-minded yeah and then you went up there you're like hey how you guys doing love you guys whatever hack selling CDs talk like he's retarded can you believe this you retards um what was his name uh I don't remember but even if I did it I wouldn't say you would say you're a vicious man it wasn't anybody you're all hopped up on mountain dew and uh tobacco under your tongue

uh yeah it wasn't in baltimore dc it was like out of town okay yeah let's ruin them let's let's start a start a war yeah yeah uh but that's yeah you know it's just you see that all the time people are like yeah it's like if the thing itself is already funny, like, don't touch it. What are you going to do? All you're doing is reporting it. Yeah. Just pointing it out. You can believe they said this?

This guy? It's fucking crazy, right? It's like, yeah, so what? You know, I could have read the same thing online. Right, yeah. In whatever article. Adding anything to it. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, well, fine. I'll work on my KFC bit. Fine. I'm just saying. You're saying, yeah. Wait, what was the sandwich that they had that there was no bread, but it was like two chicken patties with the bread?

And then the double stacker or something like that? Yeah. What was it? It was chicken and what? I think it was like the middle was like bacon or something weird. There's more chicken in the middle. It's like chicken, chicken, chicken. We shove a whole chicken inside of the chicken breast.

It's like John Madden's weird turducken thing that he would make. Did you ever see that? Yeah. They would stick like a duck inside. Yeah, my family was doing that at one point. One relative was just shoving them all in there. And they'd just talk about it endlessly. Like, he's making a turduck in this area.

It was like endless conversation. Put a beer can up its ass to steam it or whatever. Oh, yeah. I've seen that. Yeah. To steam it. Yeah. Not to jerk off to, though, right?

No. Okay. All right. Come on now. Okay. We're on the same page. They shove a fleshlight into a fucking quail. And then you fuck it.

Yeah. And then you squeeze up the beard here. Yeah. Put some lube on it. Let's see. Speaking of wars, I don't know if you know this, Mike Stork, but I'm pretty sure you do. But we're currently engaged in one. One for the ages.

War on poverty? No, something far more important. A war for the best podcast in Baltimore. And it's important. And we need people to vote. What other podcasts are there? I think there's the pedophile white hour. Supremacist one.

I think we're competing in a white supremacist one. Yeah, that's the fighting. Right. Well, i can't remember the names the one is for white supremacy yes and the other one is uh it's like a the crab stomp oh is that what it is i thought it was like a nambla mouthpiece thing like oh yeah it's in accordance with that okay the national association of man boy love jeez i don't want to support either of that yeah hey who does i mean you know know, we don't want to tell people how to vote.

We just want you to vote. You know, we don't care how you vote. Go to citypaper.com and please vote for the digression session. So a vote for us is a vote for freedom. A vote for freedom is a vote for America. A vote for America is a vote for Mountain Dew. We all love Mountain Dew, right? That's right.

You're a terrorist. My favorite flavor is red, white, and blue. Okay? I mix them all together. I actually did that once. It was pretty good, actually. Did you shit an eagle? I shit a gun with an eagle on it. With a Marlboro in its mouth.

It was resonating to the tune of Willie Nelson's Always on My Mind. And then it picked up an immigrant and threw it over the border. Right. Right. And it killed an entire tribe of Indians while doing it. Gave smallpox to a whole reservation.

Tossed a bunch of blankets down. Yeah. What color did it come out as? What what? What color did the red, white, and blue do? Answer the goddamn question. You heard it. what was i talking about before around the question you're the do the red white and do what did you do it came out red with this little weird yellow sickle and hammer on the end and i was, what's that? Oh, boy.

Next, you're going to be talking about collective farming and... From each according to his sadness to each according to his punchlines. What is that? What the fuck was that? What was that? Do you know? No, I have no idea. Mike? Do I know the parody or what it's parodying it's parodying oh yeah i know it's like the

the marxist maxim yeah which always pisses me off from each fat communists yes do i if you're an overweight communist you're obviously taking more than you need yeah clearly he's collective farming a little bit more than the rest. Yeah. Two each according to his need. Not his fucking greed. Two each according to his greed. Yeah. That's exactly how human beings work. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is where the Soviets got it wrong, or the Russians got it wrong, is

that communism wasn't supposed to be forced to happen. It was supposed to, when Marx wrote all that shit, he was basically saying that it would be the end result of capitalism. But wasn't he pretty psyched about communism breaking out in Russia at first? I don't know. I think what Mike's saying is not that way.

I know, but when it actually did happen in Russia, in the revolution or whatever, I think he was happy about it. I think so. Well, that's before then everybody started taking over and having the KGB style politburo. You know, Helen Keller was a massive

communist. Yeah. Really? You don't hear much about her later life, do you? She lived on until like the 60s, I think. How did she become a communist, though? Took the oath. Drank the red mountain dew yeah the socks box rocky the single uh better red than dead yeah she drank the uh she went all around the world talking about communism but that's the problem with communism though is that

it's uh so fun it the only way it would actually like because that's why it didn't work in russia is that like it wasn't it wasn't a natural, you know, it's sort of like when somebody quits smoking because they have lung cancer and they have to and they realized, oh, shit. It's too late. But, you know, it's like as opposed to someone like, oh, I should probably just do this. It's like they haven't, they're not doing it.

You've got to want it. Yeah. When you give, when you're altru't, they're not doing it. You gotta want it. When you give, when you're altruistic, you have to enjoy it. Sure. You shouldn't live by guilt. You shouldn't do it. You have an obligation to give everything away. Plus, it's not going to work without like a totalitarian dictator state, which, you know, that's the problem is

that people are inherently crooked, you know. People are both selfish and selfless. And you've got to let people be people. As long as you're not doing it, as long as you're trading fairly, as long as you're making mutually agreed upon exchanges, it doesn't happen and there's nothing wrong. It doesn't happen.

It's like Putin. Vladimir Putin's a fucking gangster. Tread lightly. You can say what you want about him, but if you utter one sour word about broseph stalin you're out of here pal okay you know his name means uh man of steel does it yeah that's what stalin means really joseph man of steel oh that's awesome yeah general zaz what if he was what's the fucking what's the one movie

the guy with the fur hat Homeward Bound begins with a Z what's about Russia Rocky IV Zeebeice the movie I'm tired you're always tired

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Racing there you go it's only like four movies that start with Z he looks like out of Turk actually every Turk has a picture of otter Turk somewhere in their house it's weird really and they love they love the guy what about out of him uh thank you thank you there go. Out of roast beef. Out of roll. Not as popular as... I'm not out of Turk. I'm fine. Oh, boy.

Out of Turk, right. I get it. We're at 86. I'm trying to see how many boogers I can get on this windscreen. Yeah. See if yours fight with Tommy Simbazos. No. Tommy Simbazos are too busy building a steampunk

crotch rocket. His boogers are building steampunk boogers. Yeah. They've started civilizations of their own. They've learned

how to harness it. Yeah. They're fooling around communism at this point. Yeah. They're like in the mid-50s. They're experimenting. Tommy should make

a leather and brass caution tape muffled for his face. Like a ste and brass caution tape muffled for his face. Like a steampunk caution tape. Yeah, Russia. Russia's fucked up. I'll say it. I'll say it.

I don't care. Go out on a lab. Another thing I don't like. I just like busting Tommy's balls. It's so much fun. Do you? Why? I don't know. He's a sweet guy. Hey's balls it's so much fun do you why i don't know he's a sweet guy he is but he's a fucking retard sometimes oh aren't we all fucking tommy like uh you know i don't know what there was something i was like hey you know i don't know i just make something like hey you know your motorcycle will run better if you turn that one

knob you know and be like oh yeah oh yeah i'm like you know then i see him like a week later i'm like hey did you ever turn that knob oh yeah no i i forgot and then it's like oh my god like it's walk over and just turn the knob and your life will be better and then it's like you just can't you know a lot of people are like that yeah i think we all have little things that we just don't do oh yeah that that we should people are weird about that when you tell them what to do like no this will improve it like communism didn't work yeah true true Russian power is a myth I have to say that every power Russian oh no Tommy's funny like Tommy like I think of like the Baltimore comics like if I had to say like the two

best comics for crap like like crowd work or like off the baltimore comics like if i had to say like the two best comics for crap like like crowd work or like off the cuff like improv kind of shit i'd say probably tommy and stav yeah yeah they're pretty damn sharp yeah doesn't do it much but when he does it's pretty on point yeah were you there when he kicked the chair no where fuck i don't remember where it was i think it was after he won the goobies thing or something like he was just like yeah it was just i forget he went up and it was just like a it was probably like a open mic or something you know yeah yeah he was just like whatever you know he went up he's like yeah winner mcgooby and he like kicks the chair over like fuck this shit you know like it was hilarious it was just it was it was so perfectly well done you know just sort of that like oh no it's gone

to his head like that kind of thing you know right yeah but uh newcomer of the year what i don't need you guys fuck eat my dust you know like this yeah stuff's hilarious he uh is it uh super comedy i think he made a comment about hair or something and des grimes was in the audience you know that's right yeah for those listening there's blackout with uh long dreads and des said i forget what he said but so i was like oh there's shut shut the fuck up with your hair or something like that he's like you had to have a fat black woman do that in her kitchen for six hours that was funny enough then like the laughter died down he's making her big floppy tits are probably on your shoulders or something like just painting that picture uh it was he's an artist funny big floppy tits on your shoulders. Yeah, I love Stav. He's great, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Nope. Do you want to compliment Stav now? He, you know what? I think we've probably inflated his ego. He's so good with knocking down a peg now. Yeah. Fucking piece of shit.

Oh, my God. His crowd work sucks. Oh, my God. And that shirt. What the fuck? The way he kicks chairs over. What a c cunt just look at his shirt right now turn and look at stavros look at his shirt stavros if you're listening this just look down look at your own tell me what you see yeah exactly probably got like a fucking kitten on it or yeah or something he had biggie smalls on it last night

actually yeah he's probably drinking commie pinko. Like you're not fat enough. You need a fat guy on your show. Unbelievable. That'd be like me putting Einstein on my shirt. Right. I think we just. Already brilliant enough.

And I'd have like a giant dick on my sleeveless t-shirt. That'd be. I think we just turned into the Rob and Joe show. Is that what they do? They just shit on people. They just shit on stuff. Oh Joe show. Is that what they do? They just shit on people? They just shit on stuff. Oh, really? That's all they do.

Like, obviously, like, we think, you know, stuff's funny or we would be busting his balls. But, like, that is busting your balls. We're all using air quotes when we say funny, too. So we, like, we know. Yeah. But the audience doesn't know. By funny, we mean bisexual.

Funny queer. You know. But, you know, the problem is, is that, like, and it's the same thing when you have, you know, when you have people that aren't comedians running comedy rooms, it's never going to be that good because they don't have this. Yeah, they don't. Yeah, you know, it's whereas if you have a comic running a room they get it you know like yeah you know when they're up there trying to do their eight minutes or whatever right you know they don't want people yelling at it they don't like to have tv on right yes you know all the little things that make something bad good or bad yes yeah whereas if somebody's not actually

comic like they might they might they might be able to pick things up over time, but it's not, there's a difference between reading something in a book and then like actually doing it and like knowing, oh, I get that now why I should. Right. I mean, look at Russia. They saw that book. They're like, we can do communism. We read the book.

Right. And look at them now. Right. What was Marx's book called? It's called red fish blue fish red fish is the best fish right red fish for everyone communist manifesto yeah yeah if you read it it's weird too because if you actually read it it reads like current events it's funny oh it really does like the one percent like how there's yeah it's insane like you read it you're

like oh my god like this is like actually relevant. No, yeah. I mean, it makes sense that, yeah, capitalism unchecked is fucking evil. It's insane. That's why you had all that stuff in like the early 1900s of all the monopolies and, you know. Well, the problem is, is that you have a capitalist economy coexisting with a democratic system of government when are you going to get to hot farts i'll get there okay i'll make this happen okay so so basically what happens is like

like in communism okay you can't it's hard to have democracy as a government sure communism as an economy yes because you know it's it's you open the door for things that just flip away from the communism you have to have a dictatorship or a totalitarian whereas with like you know capitalism and and uh and democracy it's like you know the democracy is great but what happens is is that the by by because capitalism is a survival of the fittest form of economy, it's just a matter of time before that survival dictates that the business or the corporation or whatever that is better able to influence politics in their favor is going to survive.

Yes. favor is going to survive yes you know pepsi can can bribe fund win over half of congress and coke can't right pepsi's gonna wind up like you know thriving as a soft drink company that would be so funny to see on c-span it's like this is good taking minutes right oh senator williams i noticed y'all drinking royal crown cola gotta have it what's that pepsi slogan now the official i don't know anything since like 1993 oh yeah i don't know does pepsi nothing else i can tell you yeah anyway so anyway yeah so it's like it's just the way the system works though is, is that it's just a matter of time before the capitalism part of it starts to corrupt and influence the democracy part of it. Sure. So now like companies, businesses, lobbyists, all that kind of shit have more leverage and say than like voters.

Oh, absolutely. leverage and say than like voters oh absolutely you know yeah especially with the citizens united case where they said corporations are people and they can donate as much as they want nobody saw a problem with that that's you try to give a cop a hundred bucks to get out of a ticket you go to jail yes but you give a politician a million dollars to let you pollute a river you hey that's politics i can't pollute a river i thought this was america what the fuck look uh listen senator yeah underneath my driver's license it's a little something for you you know help uh it's a gold brick let me ruin the surprise just slide that over look george washington didn't die on the cross so i couldn't throw fucking waste in a river by a high school okay right that's right jesus wasn't playing vegas for nothing nothing that's right

but that's the thing so that's why you have like you know like in in other countries like in canada let's say the quality of the soda is better the quality of the food is better like you know if you're eating a meal at like a denny's or a mcdonald's yeah it's still mcdonald's but like it tastes better it's fresher like the beef actually kind of like i think this might actually be like hamburger you know like and and what is this called again this is beef hamburger okay tastes you know anyway so like exotic foods of canada but i think part of the reason is or something part of the reason is because i guess that's what it tastes like the uh um but because they're like whatever their food and drug administration is actually can say no you

can't put that in food like that's that's bad shit like high fructose corn syrup like awful it's banned in canada really yeah like that's a man in a lotuctose corn syrup like it's banned in Canada really yeah like it's banned in a lot of countries we put it in everything it doesn't even have to be in there no it's just cheap sugar what is this strawberry it's all high fructose corn syrup

why not I don't know so anyway so you know so like I'll go to Canada for like I could be up there for a month right and I could eat like McDonald's and Wendy's and donuts and all this shit. And it's weird because I'm not putting weight on. I'm literally eating shit, but I'm not getting fatter. So is it just less conservatively eating shit? Yeah.

I've been eating shit for a week in Canada. Have not gained a single pound. It's not like the portions are any smaller. It's not like I'm, oh, when I'm in Canada, I'm eating fucking salad and grass nuts. I'm eating burgers and fries and gravy and donuts and all that shit. It's what goes in it that I think is the difference. You come back here, eat mcdonald's next thing you know like you know you're you're you know you you rip one and it's like fucking scalding hot you're like what the fuck i ate i ate mcdonald's three days my kid comes out out of a week

when i was in toronto no problem i come back to baltimore i eat one big mac combo and i got hot farts see how i did that oh nailed it brought it forgot about that didn't you brought it home i did and then well done talking about a roundabout roundabout hot box but anyway yeah i think we've exhausted have you guys been hitting the open mics of local shit uh yeah i wanted to do sidebar but sidebar for the next month is all punk shows on Monday nights, which is kind of a bummer. That sucks. Yeah.

And then now I've been going down to D.C. I did the Green Room open mic down there at the Draft House on Saturday. And Ramin Mastavi runs the room on Thursdays there, and I did that. Ramin's solid. Yeah. He's a great guy. Super nice. I love the open on Thursdays there. And I did that. And I mean, solid. Yeah. He's a great guy. Super nice. I love the open mic.

Classy. See, that's the thing. That's that's the problem. He's a promoter and he's a comic. He knows. Class fucking act. That's what Baltimore doesn't have. Yeah.

You go to D.C. and it's like you got comics running shit and they know what they're doing and they're professional. And yeah, their scene is good yeah real good scene the uh yeah the green room the open mic was really cool because you everybody pretty much just had four minutes there's a really good crowd i think it's a free show but it's packed every week because you know you have people doing their it's an open mic but you're doing shit that you know works so like we're gonna have 17 guys doing their best four minutes like boom boom boom Just keeping it going. Yeah.

It's also run well too. Cause you've got Andy and Randolph running stuff. Ramin's running, you know, it's if, if things are run well and booked well, right. Cause they, people will come back. Cause they're like, Oh, that was, that was a good show. You know, but you go in and there's like a pack of dogs killing a chicken in the corner and the chicken screaming killing a chicken in the corner.

The chicken's screaming. Debating slavery in modern times. Right. Fuck this. And then you got a comic talking about raping a girl with a turd or something. Oh, yeah. It's like. I love Stop Rose.

You're not going to come back to listen to that shit. No. No. No, no, no. But, yeah. Yeah. No, you've been doing a lot. You do high tops regularly.

Yeah. They do inside bar. Yeah. How was the super comedy? Cause it was good. It was awesome. Yeah. Cause you're telling me you're worried you're sick and you're tried some new stuff.

Yeah. Well, it worked out. Awesome. Yeah. Fucking A. It was fun. Was that a yellow sign? Yes.

Fucking A. I'm trying to remember who was on that. Stav? Stavros and Umar are always there. Yeah, they run it. They co-host. Who else was there? I had to leave pretty soon because I still wasn't feeling very well.

Right. Stavros Alkias. Umar Khan. Dylan Morrison. Amit Valeju. Jessica Pratt. And Michael Joseph Moran. Oh, I've heard good things about him. Sounds like a good lineup.

I heard he's racist and he can't pronounce foreign names. I actually had a line that I was going to work in somehow at some point. And I said, whether it's, how did it go? The line was, whether it's slaves, robots, or line was whether it's slaves robots or mexicans they just don't want to pay the help yep and that's pretty much what it boils down to yeah it's it's save save money at all costs whoever we can get for fucking cheap you know yep which is why eli whitney and the cotton gin and all that kind of stuff was sort of what helped oh hell yeah you know oh that ripped it wide open that changed the game absolutely no look at factories now like

I you guys ever watch like how it's made or factory made and but like the robots that they have like there's yeah and it's like it's insane like yeah and like the robots will do like most of the welds and shit and it's like yeah fuck well what do the people do just fix the robots yeah they break down the road this is what guy with an oil can taking my break now now uh and robot actually means slave yeah i taught you that didn't i yeah i'm pretty sure but i i just saw the movie at world's end last night and they kept saying that oh really still out there can you sorry

have you seen it the zombie no i uh i still haven't seen that okay cool um the guy there's there's a guy directly next to me then two houses down they both have bikes okay and they uh they leave them out nightly and they're fine all right it's just one of those bikes have a tendency to disappear in baltimore really yeah a lot must be the weather so hot uh oh by the way uh i don't know if you guys know about the guy that got shot over on Really? Yeah. Huh. A lot. Must be the weather. So hot. Oh, by the way, I don't know if you guys know about the guy that got shot over on Rowland Avenue like last week. No.

What happened? It was like all over the news. The what? He's living out on a rock. Third rock from the... Okay. Sorry, go ahead. Last week, it was like Tuesday night, I guess. Yeah.

And maybe it was the week before. Uh-huh. Sorry, I was checking the time. Somebody just drove away with your bike. I can actually hear bikes. But yeah, basically he was trying to prevent a carjacking, and they shot him twice. Ooh. Oh, was that your friend?

Yes. Okay. Yeah. So basically we're going to be doing a fundraiser show for him up at Magoobies on the 22nd of September. He's alive? He's still alive. We're trying to keep his name sort of because it's, I guess,

technically it's still like an open investigator state. They caught one of the people. They're still looking for the other. But, like. You have to say it was an alleged carjacking. No, no, no. That, I mean, all that. But it just, you know, it's... I don't know.

I'll have to explain later. But, like, basically, you know, he's, you know, he's in bad shape. I mean, he took two bullets through the throat, like, which... Whoa! Yeah, dude, like... In the throat! Yeah. One of the bullets went straight through.

The other one went in and then like i don't know if it like ricocheted or something but it like wound up like down in his back wow and uh yeah so he's what kind of shitty bullet that sucks not only is it going to be lodged in it's going to go further down your throat into your spine holy shit designed to like do a u-turn yeah there's actually bullets that are made that way really yeah the uh boat tail dummy or uh there's a certain type of ram call me a boat tail dummy again it's uh it's designed so that when it comes out it spins but it has just an ever so slight wobble and uh they did it to sort of go around the geneva convention

and uh so when the bullet goes as soon as it hits the enemy soldier, instead of just going straight through, it, like, starts to tumble. It stays lodged. Well, you got to remember, it's going really fast. So when it tumbles, so, like, it would go in here and out your leg. Right. Or go in your stomach and out through the top of your you know like you have no idea which way it's gonna jesus christ where's that crazy thing gonna go next it's like a weeble

wobble of a bullet but uh but yeah so anyway so we're gonna be raising you know doing the shows and stuff we got something lined up at the wind-up space with bands and metro gallery and is there what's the website you can go to uh we're actually still getting that together but like okay you know you guys are trying to collect funds we'll plug at the beginning of the show okay as well that'll be the just trying to help him out because it's like his medical but you know it's like it's bad enough that he got like you know beaten with pistols and shot twice yeah but. But to then you have to get bankrupted by a fucking... By the way.

Sorry about that. When it rains, it pours. Yeah, you're bankrupt. Anyway, good luck. Maybe you can sell that bullet that's lodged in your back. Maybe. It might be made of gold. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Melt down for lead.

Yeah, my dad doesn't have health insurance, and he's become allergic to bees out of nowhere, which can just happen apparently. Really? Yeah, at any point you can just become allergic to bees and not know it, so you would get stung and then your throat would close up and you'd die. But my dad uh like parents will do that thing they're like by the way i didn't tell you and it's like some huge thing one day i was at his house and you're retarded yeah i didn't tell okay i could swear

i did no i was i was at his house and um on his kitchen counter he had an epi pen and they're big i don't know if you've ever seen those like what people take if they're allergic to stuff. They have to jam it in their leg. It's probably like a foot. It's in this plastic canister. He's like, what are you doing with an EpiPen? He's like, oh, I need it just so if I get stung by a bee, I could die. They're like, what?

He's like, oh, I didn't tell you. I could have told you. I almost died. I think I would have remembered that story but uh he was he uh he was mowing the lawn and he felt something like uh something hit his leg and he's like something bite him something just like he felt like a sensation on his leg like similar to like a bite or he thought it was just like he ran over a stick with a lawnmower and it just kind of hit him no big deal and then uh he said a minute passed and he just had a thought in his head that was, I'm going to die. He's never had that before.

So he turned the mower off, ran inside. And out of a movie, he goes to dial 911. He hits 911 and then just collapses on the floor. And he was paralyzed on the kitchen floor for four hours. But he was cognizant the whole time. So the phone is like, bam, bam, bam, because it's off the hook. And then he's just drooling he's like because you know your body you can't do anything and they said after

four hours he could finally start to move his arm and then he's like okay okay i'm gonna be all right what do you do for that four hours you lay there and he's so listening to the phone go at some point you gotta like start entertaining yourself somehow you gotta start like writing a play or something in your mind playing angry birds in your brain um and uh no he's lucky that when he collapsed he didn't hit his head on like the table or something right but uh so yeah he found out he was allergic to bees and he told his friend who is uhT, and he gave him the EpiPen. So this past Sunday, I was at brunch with some friends, and I see that I have a voicemail. The phone never rang, but it's from my dad, and I check it, and he goes, Hey, Josh, it's me. Just give me a call when you can.

I'm like, okay. And I figure it was no big deal because the voicemail he left me before that was, Yeah, where did I leave off on Breaking Bad? And that was it. So I thought that's what it was in reference to, like something similar. And then I got a call from my aunt, and she was like, your dad's been stung again. He's on his way to the hospital.

Like he couldn't say that in the message, too. He's like, just give me a call when you can. I might be dying. My mom was dead. Anyway, I don't want to bother you. Dude, I thought I was going to die the other night. It was a few weeks ago before I got really sick. Really?

Yeah, it's so weird. I'm, like, lying in bed, and, like, my heart just starts doing this weird beating thing. Uh-huh. It doesn't feel right. Like, what do you mean? Like, is it faster? Yeah. Or is it just, like, more like...

And it just feels different, you know? Uh-huh. Like, just something just feels wrong. Some palpitations. And it was almost like if I clenched up, it would stop, you know. And so I kept thinking, like, if I just relax, I'm going to die. Wow. But I don't think I'm going to die.

Anyway. I don't know. I think maybe just overexertion and probably like eating too much protein. Really? Eat your heart up like that? That's crazy. We really got to wrap this up. Yeah.

No, I'm sorry. That's like a marathon session. Well, you drink a lot of coffee though don't you yeah it could be part of it too you think but i i don't drink like insane amount like a few cups a day yeah how many is a few four or five four or five thousand that's uh it's probably it's kind of a well yeah maybe maybe like maybe like three all three yeah that's i drink a lot of soda and uh you know i'll drink a cup or two of coffee in the morning but like i've gotten to the point now where it's like i won't drink it after like nine or ten because yeah it's just like what you're saying i'm just laying there just did it did it did it did it did

it did it did it yeah i think when i mix it with a lot of meat, it does that to me. Yeah. Oh, well, yeah. It's red meat. It's harder for your body to process and digest that. So your heart's working harder. Yeah. All right.

Do you still smoke? No, not really. Maybe like, eh, kind of, sometimes. Do you have any on you? No. Josh? No. Fuck.

Nope. I had the asthma when i was younger gift and a curse but uh mike moran sorry i know you're not feeling well thank you for saying this was a longer episode uh mike stork thanks for coming by it's fun come by any old time no more politics yeah that was like the least funny portion that was yeah it was just it might be interesting it was funny that we thought it would be entertaining right uh yeah thank you guys so much for listening go to city paper and vote and apparently if you delete your cookies you can vote as much as you want i dropped the dime on that but i didn't get back to me yeah because i don't think they care they don't give a fuck

uh there's other ways i i i did a there was a contest I was a part of years ago, and I found out there. It's when you ran for mayor. Yeah. I was a part of this little contest. I can totally cheat. So, yeah, so I discovered that there was like an easy workaround where you just run a certain thing, and it makes a lot of votes. So I refused to do it because i was like i'm not like if if if if that's what it takes to win then i don't want to fucking win

because i don't i don't want that fucking energy that's how moran feels about it you know and uh no which which is which is right but hey any dead people and animals, if you want to vote, please do. Please do. But, no, thank you, Mike Stork. And I'll plug the charity thing that you had doing in the beginning. And you're on Twitter. It's at Mike Stork. Yep, Twitter, Facebook, Vine, all that shit. Okay.

All right, guys, and thank you so much for listening. Thanks, everybody. We love you. Hail Satan.