The Digression Sessions - Ep. 89 - Jay Szech

Episode Date: September 10, 2013

Come see us live! – DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @JayandJShow @DigSeshPod - The Book w/ Jay Szech - This week, we are joined by comedian and fellow podcaster Jay Szech! Jay’s last appearance on the show was deleted by terrorists, but thanks to technological advancement and sheer will of Mike and Josh’s patriotism, we did another episode! Take that destiny! Jay is also a teacher and all around decent fellow. He’s even dabbled in television broadcasting, as we learn in this ep. Check out his awesome podcast entitled the Jay and J show, which Josh and Mike will hopefully appear on soon! Topics discussed include staying out of “The Book,” Jay’s disapproval of city-based hipster culture (Golden West and used copies of Hemmingway just ain’t his thang), Jay’s approval of positive support among local comedians, and a fluctuating, contradictory stance on local comedy contests (he’s a complex individual folks, like Tupac). Thanks again for all the support we got with the City Paper poll. If its results are accurate, we are at least the third most popular podcast in Baltimore! Please subscribe to us in Stitcher and post on our Facebook page. Thanks Dig Heads!  

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week jay zek is the guest on this week's program and it is uh comedian jay zek's second appearance on the digression sessions however this is the first episode that you are hearing because um uh an act of terrorism uh committed by i can only assume um those hunger guys and the innocent looking crook store fellas probably worked in tandem hired Al Qaeda operatives to delete the episode and yeah it was it was messed up but Jay is such a mensch he came back over we redid the episode so take that terrorists take that Jay is a very funny man and we are happy to have him on the show. Again, I didn't delete the episode by my own misdoing, and I didn't, you know, I was, well, excuse me.

I wasn't deleting old files and accidentally deleted the previous podcast we did with him. So if anybody tells you that, they're a liar, and you need that person out of your life. Now, Jay is a great guy, very funny man, and he happens to host a podcast of his own with a buddy of his, Jason Vaughn, and together they host the show Jay and Jay Show. That is J-A-Y-A-N-D-J-Show.com for all their episodes And also on iTunes, so check those guys out. Funny, funny podcast. And Jay will be appearing at Magoobies. He's featuring for comedian, comic legend Richard Lewis on October 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

So go check those shows out. It's going to be really cool. Richard Lewis is a very funny man and uh so is jay so go support him and uh thank you again to jay for coming back on the show um we apologize for those terrorists and come see us live and in the flesh as well me josh cotton candy kaderna i will be at the dc arts center on september 14th with the Chinese Menu Improv Team doing an improv show with special guest Will Hines from UCB New York. It's going to be a really fun show. Let's see.

And you can see Mike Moran Wednesday, September 11th at Finnegan's in DC. And on Saturday, the 14th, Mike will be at the auto bar for their Saturday shit show doing standup upstairs at the auto bar. So that's the Sophie's choice of a digression sessions for you. If you're in Baltimore, go to Mike's show. If you're in DC, please come to my show. Uh, you can go to digression sessions.com slash calendar with all of our upcoming dates and it has the location of all the venues and all the information you need. So we would love to see you guys in the flesh.

Also, you can follow us on Twitter. On Twitter, I am at BetterRobotJosh, Josh Caderno on Vine, and Mike is at MichaelMoran10 on Twitter. The podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod. And thank you guys so much for listening.

Give us a rating for coughing into the mic. Give us a five-star rating. Give us a rating or a comment on iTunes. Tell a friend. Thank you so much for listening. And before we get to the episode, I know I mentioned those terrorist affiliated crews earlier uh the fighting ungers and an innocent looking bookstore but i want to say congrats to

you guys on uh your respective second and first place finishes in the city papers best of awards the fighting ungers took second place and innocent lookingent Looking Bookstore took first place as Baltimore's best podcast. And rounding out in third, it's your boys, the digression sessions. And so congrats to you guys. And thank you so much to the dig heads and everybody that voted. We really, really appreciate it. Just getting in the top three was huge. So thank you guys so much for sharing on Facebook, posting on Twitter really, really means a lot to Mike and I. So guys, thank you so much. And yeah, let's get into the episode with old Jay. How about it? We don't make mistakes here. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong. California suburbs, dude. Living that life. Y'all don't know about that life. We'll be right back. Yeah Sassy guy I ain't never been to a Target before, Jay I don't know nothing about the Royal Farms in the county You think I don't know about batting cages? You don't think I caught a Target, a Target, motherfucker? The chicken is better in the county, y'all They actually cook that shit You ain't had a wedge unless you've been in the county Had a county wedge Y'all know what I'm talking about

This motherfucker right here Come on, man You guys don't know about Taco Bell? Isn't that weird that there's no Taco Bells in the city except for one? the county at a county wedge y'all know what i'm talking about this motherfucker right here come on man i don't know about taco bell isn't that weird if there's no taco bells in the city except for one that's a good point well ever since i was a vegetarian that's the only fast food i could eat that's seven layer burrito right yeah i would always uh ask to take out the fourth one though you didn't like that you'd always break the fourth layer. You're breaking the fourth layer. Taco Bell acting. Layer.

Princess Layer. Down there, Princess Layer. I was watching Star Wars and I heard that Princess Layer. She's real funny. Talk about that layer. I mean, she was a fucking guy. Alex Brovlosky is still looking at me.

Yeah. I still don't like it. He's haunting you. Still don't like it. He's haunting you, Jay. Well, he might be the ghost that deleted your episode. Is that him? Is he still doing comedy?

Yeah. Is he? We did stand-up last night. He was a character, though. I'd say characters are kind of his thing. He's always a character. He he was a character though i say characters are kind of his his thing he's always a character he's always a character uh yeah so let's just get the apologies out of the way all right are we live are we rolling we're rolling are we rolling now yeah you got out all your race racial and racist all the race stuff is out for the moment um i would like to

just first call you both out. First, congratulations. Thank you. On making the cut. Right. For Best of Baltimore. And that's all the time we have for the show, Jay. Thanks so much. We appreciate that.

Let's wrap it up. Suck it, you sexy, shaggy-haired man. Do not talk to Mike Moran like that. You guys made the cut over my podcast, jnjshow.com. Making the cut. Your podcast is JNJShow.com. Making the cut. Your podcast is called JNJShow.com? JNJShow.com. See, maybe that's where the problem is.

No, I think the problem is then you deleted the show I was on. Right. But yeah, you guys are one of the best in Baltimore. Top three, baby. We never said we were the best at not deleting stuff. No. In fact, we didn't even make the top three for that one.

But first off, congratulations on the Best of Baltimore selection. Making the cut there and everything. Props to your fans who probably mostly live in Hampton. We call them big hits. Don't work. Leach off the government tit supplied by

myself to select you as one of the best. They have the time to sit around and click and vote and select you guys. So good for them. Good for you. You know what I like about that? Nothing but the best. You know what I like about that praise?

The sincerity. Yeah. I'm going to have to clean that windscreen because there's sincerity dripping out of it now. Oh, it's creamy. Yeah. And it's creamy. Yeah. Creamy sincerity.

That's exactly what it is. That's what they call you, right? Cheeto dust. Jay, creamy sincerity. A little bit. It smells like whiskey. It's Munza. Cheap whiskey.

My dog has a problem. Cheap whiskey and broads. Don't make eye contact with her. She'll cut you. Why don't you change the name to Cheap Whiskey and Broads? The name of our show? No, our names. I'll be Cheap Whiskey.

I'll be Broads. Dizzy Broads. Forget that. I'm going to have to run to the liquor store To buy a fifth of Jameson for the dog Yeah she needs it Down to the cut rate You're going to have sex with her How

I mean I drove to Hamden I mean You know I mean The company is sparkling But you know Sure

You come for the podcast You stay for the dog sex You know it's obvious Now you know how we got nominated There There it is That's it You just do a podcast

For dog fuckers. Good for you. Happy to be part of it all. We're the beasts in the bestiality, you know? Mike, it's good to see you. I'm glad you're here. Last time I did a show with Mike Fonazzo. Different Mike.

And that was a nightmare, I'm sure. You know how it is with Mike. You're always talking him off the ledge and everything. He's good. He's good. I'm just kidding. You're better. Am I?

You're better. What? Thinner. Right. Down as blonde. Uh-huh. Bet you can grow a better beard. I don't know about that.

Yeah. I'm pretty bad at the beard. Your glasses aren't as thick. Don't think I've made an attempt since age 25 or so. Yeah. Thinking about doing it again. Go for it. I think so.

Winter's coming up. True. That was the first slogan for Game of Thrones. I might not so. Yeah. Thinking about doing it again. Go for it. I think so. Winter's coming up. True. That was the first slogan for Game of Thrones. I might not lose. Yeah. Just very, like,

Winter's coming up. Winter's right around the corner. Huh? Fellas? Screw Game of Thrones. I'm not into Game of Thrones. That and I don't have HBO, but Sons of Anarchy,

that's what's coming back. That's what I'm excited about. I'm a big Sam Crow fan. I am a Sam Crow fan. Who's Sam Crow? Because I could, Sons of Anarchy, Motor's what's coming back. That's what I'm excited about. Big Sam Crow fan. I am a Sam Crow fan. Who's Sam Crow? Because I could... Sons of Anarchy, Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original. So that is the name of the actual

chapter featured in Sons of Anarchy. So they refer to themselves as Sam Crow. And is this like an outlaw gang or what do they do? Yeah, they're pretty much an outlaw gang. Or a chess team as well. They tell everybody, hey, we're a motorcycle club. We're motorcycle enthusiasts. But really, they're pretty much an outlaw gang. They're a chess team as well. They tell everybody we're a motorcycle club. We're motorcycle enthusiasts. But really,

they're running guns for the Irish. How do motorcycle gangs pretend to be making their living? They must have some sort of front, right? For these guys,

it is the garage and towing company. I can't speak for other motorcycle clubs that I may or may not be affiliated with. But I'm not really sure. Some of them, it's just, hey, we're just guys who like to ride bikes and do crank.

Right. And other clubs, it's, hey, we have a garage. We fix things. And then we rape people. But I haven't lived that life in a while, so I couldn't tell you. I hope they say it as whimsically as that, too. Like, yeah yeah we do meth and rape motorcycle game you know turn it into a to a nice little song a ditty one two three

four rape and my baby don't rape around but she rides a motorcycle all around can i borrow some crank i am your neighbor what is crank i think that's is that like the uh the knockoff crack or something like that or is it meth it's like it's a meth related it's a speed yeah i think you're right yeah it's something some sort of speed based but i think it's like bottom crappy yeah it's basically like yeah i think you're right i think it is like bottom shelf meth yeah people that aren't respectable enough to even do meth yeah i mean this is the kind of stuff that gets made in trailers like and not even like good meth trailers like bad meth trailers yeah yeah is meth popular around here is that a thing in baltimore at all oh yeah really yeah really i know baltimore was always kind of like heroin cocaine kind of town yeah

there's been some uh recent crime that i've seen seen in Hamden that's been semi-alarming. Of course there is. I was just at the stoplight, and I just saw the shadiest drug dealer with the shadiest drug buyer. It was this guy who didn't have his shirt on, covered in tattoos, just wiping his nose. And then the guy, and they're doing the handshake. Just right in front of everybody, right on 36th Street. If you're buying drugs, shouldn't you keep your shirt

on? Probably. Right? Well, it is a warm day. Yeah, I guess. Maybe he has been doing a lot of meth. He's working up a good sweat. I'm also pretty sure there's a prostitute working on Falls Road, not too far from here, right in front of Demetri's. Oh, you know?

And they all ride single gear bicycles. That's what they do. No brakes. I don't like gears. They're too mainstream. Anyway, handies are five. Yeah, like... When are we going to get hipster prostitutes?

A blowjob? Really? Oh my god, everybody does those. I think we going to get hipster prostitutes? A blowjob? Really? Really? Oh, my God. Everybody does those. I think we should do a hipster strip club. You know what I mean? No.

You can't have a hipster strip club because that would require people to spend money. Yeah. And that's kind of not a hipster trade. We could trade tea bags or old books. So, like, listen, i've got every newspaper right i've got every edition of the baltimore sun from last year and i will trade you for five minutes in the champagne some guys shoving but it'll be like the i don't read it online that's like mainstream like some guys shoving a vampire weekend album into a g-string good job honey

there you go take that home with you. It was fun driving down the avenue, though, and just kind of hoping that it all burned down. That is not nice. Driving by the Golden West Cafe. God, I hate that place. You are full of hate. I hate the Golden West Cafe. Why? I have done stand-up there three or four times back when

Jim Meyer was running the place. With a bar bacon. I remember you doing it several years ago. I think before I actually started. I think it was. I got to tell you, very few places, I will toot my own horn, there are very few places since I left my open mic stage of comedy where I have straight eaten it.

I hate the Golden West Cafe. I hope everybody who ever ate there dies of just an infectious disease. Pretty much everyone who's ever been on our show that that is the worst kind of place it is the worst kind of show i that that literally what that place was my white whale that was my moby dick i don't know why i need to bring race into it and uh oh god i hate that place i enjoy it uh i've definitely had some bad jokes about eight tracks. I've definitely had bad service there.

However, it's not been that bad. Actually, the last time that I was there, I got shrimp tacos. There was salsa on the side. And I thought it was just, you know, the guy didn't warn me about it. So I figured it's just your mid-grade salsa. Probably not too hot. Slathered on my shrimp tacos. Take a bite.

A fucking volcano erupts in my mouth. Come to find out later i was like is this um what's what's in the sauce he's like oh yeah it's uh mostly habaneros poblano peppers and that's pretty much it but you see that that's kind of the trait of the hipster you could it really is kind of the trait oh yeah well uh i forgot to mention like these there's a reason these people aren't running nuclear reactors somewhere. Okay. Oh, yeah. No, I forgot.

You got to cool the rods with water. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Oh, man. I hope your grandma recovers pretty soon. Yes. Sorry. Radiation poison.

Sorry. Fukushima. Oh, man. Butch, just hipster Japanese. That's what calls the Fukushima. Vampire weekend. Oh, man. Butch, it's just hipster Japanese. That's what calls the Fukushima. Vampire weekend. Oh, very good. That cafe cutie sold out.

Oh, paramour. Come on. Oh, but I did like French Japanese. French Japanese. I don't even know what French Japanese is. They all move there after the bomb. Baguettes. Bag like sundry very good like how the hell are you getting away with this racism in 2013. It's so weird how stereotyping is fun.

How the Japanese came to love American culture after we turned them into a post-apocalyptic society. Yeah, exactly. We vaporized people. It was like, oh, Camaro. Very fast car. They're just completely surprised. Yeah, they're just completely

destroyed. Like, okay, we get it. Baseball's cool. Fine. We'll play baseball. Jesus Christ. They're just like destroyed. Yeah, they're just completely destroyed. Like, okay, we get it. Baseball's cool. Fine. We'll play baseball. Jesus Christ. They're just, like, kissing our ass. But we're not doing it without these Thunderstick thingies that are annoying as hell. So, fine.

And we're going to eat seaweed during the games. No, this is cool. We'll wear a cowboy hat. Christ, settle down. Chill out. All right, all right. You win. You win.

I'll wear the fucking hat. But, yeah, sincere apologies, Jay. Thank you. You win. You win. I'll wear the fucking hat. But yeah, sincere apologies, Jay. Thank you for coming back. You're a mensch and it was

truly accidental. I'm sure it was. It was. I'm rubbing Jay's leg. How did you delete the show? So I record

every show in the same file because i have the audio settings there and i always delete the last one we did and then we did an impromptu podcast with mike stork and when we started i just deleted the old one i got bumped from mike stork i hadn't put out my god not by us by fate yeah yeah and months like i, she drinks a lot. You didn't get bumped. We sent the tapes out to a record-pressing company. Mike Stork? The plan was to backlog episodes, and then I forgot that we did this episode,

and I deleted it. How do you forget that you did this episode? How do you forget that you did a show? Who are you people? I'm sorry, Jay. That's like Denise Coke leaving WJZ 13. What the hell did we just do in there? What was that?

Was that? Do we tape the news? Was that a broadcast? Yeah, that is exactly. You're a chardonnay at my house. I'll see you all later. That is exactly what happened. Try again tomorrow, people.

Did she do that on the air or something? No, no. I'm just thinking. What if Denise Koch just walked out and be like, did we record the news? You erased it? We got to do it again? Okay, bye. Say what you want about Denise Koch, but I will not suffer

one bad word about Debra Wiener. Alright, Joe? Okay, alright. Fine, but you lay off my boy Bob Turk. I don't care if he can't hear. No, it's not. The professionalism on this podcast. Number three. Is there a local news anchor, or sports

anchor named Jerry Sandusky? There is a sports anchor named Jerry Sandusky? There is a local anchor named Jerry Sandusky. That's unfortunate. Jerry with a G. Okay. But it's amazing how dumb people are. Switch back to Jerry. Yes.

It's amazing how dumb people are. He's actually received hate mail thinking that he's the Jerry Sandusky of Penn State notoriety. I don't think it's the Penn State. But here's how stupid people are. You honestly think the defensive coach from Penn State, after getting busted for banging kids in a shower, moved to Baltimore and became a sports anchor at a major NBC NBC affiliate because they couldn't get the rest of the cast okay they had to like move into another city major yeah to be

veal yeah and be a major NBC affiliate I'm picturing just the wacky just blends in and and now here's sports really you're saying in in in this era he's getting hate mail, like well after the trial and conviction. Oh, yeah. There were still people sending him hate mail and everything. They actually did a story,

and he detailed... Now, maybe Jerry's full of crap, but he detailed just how rough the last year had been for him based on this whole trial. But that's just how stupid people are. It just proves that we as a society do not read. You honestly think Jerry Sandusky,

the sex offender who's on trial, takes his mail at WBAL on TV Hill in Baltimore. Takes his mail there. Takes his young mail. That's right. Takes his mail, drives down to Baltimore to TV Hill, walks into WBAL, picks up his mail. That's where the shower room is.

Bangs Justin Schlegel in the mouth. Yeah, he up his mail. That's where the shower room is. Bangs Justin Schlegel in the mouth. Yeah, he does. And then walks out of the building. But we've all done that. Not a bad Monday. That's why I had to drop my middle name of Butterfooko. Michael Butterfooko. It's a family name. That's why I dropped my middle name of

Justin Schlegel. Wanted to let him have it. It's his career. Let him go with it. That must be rough being Jerry Sandusky. Having to say your name, always followed up by Jerry with a G. Jerry Sandusky with a G. We have Jerry not the molester Sandusky

with us tonight. Not the boy rapist. Thank you. Like a Raven's Roost meeting somewhere. We've got Jerry Sandusky here with us. I've never raped a boy i'll bring our grandson i hope oh different jerry he's got a g in his name oh all the sex i have with boys is consensual you guys i'm a different jerry with a g could be bad it's a little j a little different gay begins with a g it does maybe he Maybe he's gay. Gay means happy.

Touche. Heard a new term today that I'm digging. Here we go. So, one of my friends, he and his wife had a baby. Yeah. And his brother,

his older brother, is gay and has a gentleman friend of many years. And they have decided to refer to themselves. Does he have a lover as well? I think just a gentleman friend

um which you know is code for lover i don't know like um but they they have decided to refer to themselves as gunkles because they're gay uncle gay uncle why can't they just be he's actually signing the cards from your gunkle so i could be a stunt cool you could be a stunkle? You could be a stunkle. Or maybe a bicurioncle. Bicurion sometimes. Bicurioncle. Sounds like an old Jewish disease.

I got the bicurioncle. Sheila, get my cream. My lower back is covered in gunkles. I got to get them removed on Tuesday. I've got to get to the doctor. I've got the bicurioncle. They're going to remove it. Art Gunkel.

Art Biker Uncle. I recently told my dad, I think I said taint or something. And he was like, what are you talking about? It's like, you know, the spot between your asshole and your balls. And what context were you talking about that spot with? Well, I'm showing it to you.

I was talking to my dad, Jerry, the other day. Jerry with a G. Don't get with a g don't get it jerry with a g don't get it twisted don't get it weird different guy but uh he's like taint why did why do you even name it that's stupid i hate that i hate that yeah he was i'm not gonna stand for it he was also upset it's like the spot in the bottom of your team yeah he's like uh the spot between your balls and your ass i mean i mean the distance is and your ass i mean i mean the distance is always changing anyway i mean why do you even call it the tank you mean the business is always changing i guess your balls are getting measuring mostly in the morning your dad's balls are getting bigger you know on a hot day they kind of descend a little more well your sack becomes looser that doesn't mean your balls get bigger well i mean we're gonna

have thousands of listeners the gooch is gonna remain the same trying to make their balls bigger listen my dad is not a mathematician okay guys your asshole's not going anywhere it's the same spot his is going right to the top his asshole works very hard i think at this point you get older it's probably going back probably going very south You see a lot of old men with her on the back of their neck. That's right. My asshole's a real go-getter. Now, Nancy Grasmick, the former superintendent of schools for the state of Maryland, her asshole was in the center of her back. That's how tight her skin was pulled.

Have you seen a photo of her? Oh, you got to check this out. Oh, boy. And I work in education, so we all hated Nancy Grasmick. But, my God, her face was... Her skin was pulled so tight, I swear to God, her asshole was in the center of her back. Now, are you saying she had some plastic surgery or she's just so fit? Plastic surgery. Really?

Like weird plastic? Like pulled. Weird. Constant smile. That kind of silly putty face. Would you get any plastic surgery if you could get it for free? No, I don't think so. None at all? Nah't think so I mean you know it's tough to improve something That's perfect

Jay I was going to say you'd agree With me right Yeah I agree Yeah I know but what about for you guys Oh I see what you did there There we go At this stage in the game At this stage in the game No I stage in the game no now when i'm

i'm 55 60 right that's what i'm saying maybe i got a little turkey neck going maybe i'd have that tucked a little bit get rid of the gobbler i i think i think that's probably the one thing as as i would grow older i would probably want to get that maybe yeah i'm worried about that get that tucked a little bit a little chin um yeah that's the thing. If you don't have a strong chin, you're going to get loose. No, you don't. Yeah. I have a strong forehead. You do.

And I can do everything else. Yeah. No cheekbones. My man got a motherfucking five head. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. That would be the one thing I would probably do is just tighten under the chin.

Yeah. Wouldn't make the penis bigger? No. Wouldn't add a ball? No. I'm talking about any plastic surgery you want for free. I run. Get a nice set of tits.

I don't know if I want a bigger one. That's a lot to be hauling around. Yeah. I think about that sometimes. These guys, you know, it's like huge. It's great. It's like a novelty trick, I think. It's like, that's great.

But it's like, I don't know if I want that for everyday wear. It's like a cowboy hat. Right. It's neat. It's fun. I'm not going to wear. It's like a cowboy hat. It's neat. It's fun. I'm not going to wear it to work. What about if you were a cowboy?

Then I'd wear the hat. Just like if I was a porn star, yes, I would take the extra. But I'm not in that business. If you're a cowboy with a cowboy hat, you're a porn star with a giant penis. With a mustache. it's for work yeah it is it's a work and it's a write-off at that point yeah tax deductible you got to think about

the tax situation absolutely right am i right am i right fellas okay anyway um yeah that's what rabbi's happy rosh hashanah oh thank Thank you so much. Hope you enjoyed it. It was a solemn and dignified day. Yeah, I forgot to set my clock back. Oh, okay. Don't rub it in. I spun a dreidel or two. Ate the offy komen. What is Rosh Hashanah? Isn't it the Jewish New Year?

It's the girl that lives next door. Hello, boys. Rosh Hashanah, get up in here. Going to temple today it's the jewish new year is it is it something like that i teach this stuff i should that blows my mind that different cultures and countries have different years yeah it doesn't yeah in china it's like the year 4000 or something that's weirdos get it together china i'm talking to you i wouldn't be surprised if japan followed our system okay okay he said 2013 you win charlie sheen

number one all the way no bullshit burt reynolds is our president now okay yes how awesome would that be if burt reynolds was the president of japan she wouldn't come all the time yeah it's a good record everybody's uh little yeah all right all right uh so wait jay you teach yeah that's the day job who let you around little kids i don't work with little kids. High school is what I do. Oh, boy. Are you attracted to the girls at all? No. Not at all? No. Come on.

No. You can tell me. No. For the listeners, he's winking. How about the boys? No. Very hard. What about fellow teachers?

No. What about anyone? What about the guy that... Wife's going to listen. No. What about the guy that restocks the Fruitopia machine? A little bit. Yeah.

Big time. A little bit. Big time. He machine? A little bit. Yeah, big time. A little bit. Big time. He's got strong quads. Tell me big time. Strong quads. He lifts with those things. It's funny because people do seriously ask that question.

Like, we do about the girls. That's what I would be worried about. It's kind of funny how often that question comes up. And my reply is always this. Haven't met one yet that was worth losing my career or going to jail. Well, yeah, that's not what I'm asking, though. Like, am I attracted to the girls? Yeah.

No. Not at all. No. You just, you don't. No. You can't be attracted to a 17-year-old. No. I mean, I wouldn't touch a 17-year-old.

No. I've seen them. Won't even shake hands. I feel like a pedophile now that i'm attracted to like 20 you almost have to look at them not personality wise we almost look at them as cattle and where it's just like you know it's no it's it's just you it's in your mind no right i know i thought you were gonna have a personal saying you're overcompensating For a fear of No

No No it's funny What word would you associate with your lack of attraction Gay Queer is a three dollar bill Is that what you wanted to hear No You just don't go there

You just don't go there. Right. You just don't go there. Because I think sometimes for some teachers that have gone down that road, that's how it starts, is allowing themselves to kind of go down that road. And you just, no. Do you know teachers that have gone down that road? I will say this. I have worked with people who were busted. Oh. Now, I had no knowledge of what was happening.

Right. Put that out there. But no, I've worked in buildings. I used to work in a very large public school. And there were people that got busted. And I got to tell you, they pretty much ruined their lives and their careers. Wow. People forget this.

When you get busted on that, you're a sex offender. You are a sex offender and you're in the book pretty much for a long time. If you don't know what the book is, the book is this giant, thick ass book of all the sex offenders and you're in it. So anyone who flips through the book goes, that's the guy. That's them. So you're in did uh and even if they're 18 it doesn't matter uh you're you're still you could still be considered a sex offender

you wouldn't be a sex offender but you're definitely done teaching because what the problem is you are in a position of responsibility over this student and you exploited it yeah no i certainly think that that should be because there are people like well the kid was 18 i'm like you're the teacher yeah you're the teacher you can't go banging it giuseppe does a sex video for the schools they gotta go around the back of the keys it's not good i don't care if you're 18 or 17 or 16 you are no school of the girls you're gonna go to jail you're gonna laugh go be all your wife she's gonna leave's going to take your dog, your Nintendo. You've got to knock him. He's no good for anybody.

Is there any truth to the rumors that sex offenders in some regions have to go around and knock on the doors of the neighborhood they're moving into and explain that they're a sex offender? I don't know. This is your expertise. This is my area of expertise. I don't know. I think everything is different state to state. Yeah. But is there anywhere where that really happens?

I really don't know. I really don't know. Because I will tell you this. Any teacher that I ever worked with that got busted, like we didn't see. How many teachers are getting busted? I think there may have been like my whole career, two people okay um i will say this any any you don't talk to those people anymore it really it's almost like uh it's like being black you know like cops it's like cops have a fraternity police or you know cops firefighters it's kind of you know the military it's fraternity

teaching is kind of the same way a little bit different you've been in the shit once you go down yeah you've been in the shit together but once you go down that road you were out of the family man you were out of the family yeah no fruitcake this you know i mean there was a guy i got invited to play on a uh a flag football team and i showed up to the first practice and there was a guy who was actually in the book oh and i just looked at my buddy i was like can't play on your team. Wow. I was like, what's the problem? I was like,

your friend over there is in the book. He's like, what do you mean the book? I'm like, the book. The Bible? And that's the idea.

I was like, Trevor's in the Bible? And I'd be like, I'd pull him close. He's like, he's a sex offender. He's like, are you serious?

I was like, I can't be around your friend. Yeah. Like under, like not socially, not in a bar, nothing like, have a good season. Yeah. I'll't be around your friend. Like, not socially, not in a bar, nothing. Like, have a good season. I'll see you later.

Wow. Because, yeah, anything he says, like, man, that chick's hot. Easy, big fella. Tugging at the collar. So I was helping my girlfriend with her homework last night. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Spelling the word red. She could not get her multiplication tables. This am i right three times three equals sexy get it together uh the the um the people that have broken the code have they both been dudes

uh the teachers any any ladies uh one one was because that should not count come on hell yeah it's fucking different let's face it i i agree um i still think it's wrong it's wrong but it is not as traumatizing yes i i will say this i think i'd be 20 times happier if that happened it's it's bad in the sense that it makes the rest of us all look bad. And it makes people paranoid. It does because it puts everybody on eggshells. And it makes the profession look bad. It's the same thing as when a cop does something stupid. And then other cops who do their jobs well every day.

I will say that. Let's use the city of Baltimore as an example. There are great cops in the city of Baltimore that do their best to protect this city every day, put their lives on the line, God bless them. Yeah. And then there's the guy that takes naps in his squad car. Right. And all he's done is make the good cops robust in their ass and doing their solid eight hours or more,

making their jobs more difficult. So for a lot of us, that's the kind of where we put a lot of these people. It's like all you've done is bring disrespect upon the profession and make my, you know, put all of us under the microscope, you know, especially, you know,

and I had a situation go down when I was a young male teacher. I was, I think I was 22 when you were a young male teacher. And now, but now that I'm an elderly woman teacher, but you know, as a young male teacher, it put everybody on eggshells because i mean

girls would walk into my room be like this is that guy i have a class about my home and i'd be like let's talk in the hall let's talk in the hall out the hall and it because because you didn't i didn't even want a girl in my room not with the door open nothing it was like we'll talk in the hall yeah yeah you know it just puts everybody on eggshells so and that that's where our pissiness comes from right is uh because i mean most of these situations it is an older student yeah but it's a dude no jesus christ there's pretty much two rules in education these days don't hit them and don't screw them right and that's why we're 37th in education in the world but that's the thing. You want to look at these people like, you had one job. One job. Don't screw

the kids. And you screwed it up. There's the one guy at the seminar. They're giving those really safe weights. So we don't screw them? Because I wrote that. When do we start screwing up? I'm sorry. I was in the bathroom. So when do we get to the kids' sex? Is that alright? No? Okay.

Cliff Claver from Cheers showed up to have sex with the kids. is that all right no okay cliff claver cheers showed up to have sex with the kids yeah i mean that that's the thing it's like guy you had one rule you had one are we reimbursed for rubbers and uh also papers um especially if it's a young guy it's like dude you could have gone down to any bar in fells point on a thursday night during college night yeah all the towson girls are down there all the jersey kids making bad decisions go tigers you could have gotten anybody you wanted with a couple of bud lights and a few smooth words and no you chose you chose your school yeah slick my friend jenny oh so slick yeah oh so slick oh yeah no that no, is it really worth it to ruin everything? I say yes.

What do you think? I doubt that. I'm the news reporter that takes the opposite view. Did you just call 9-11? I think so. We'll be right back. We'll film at 11. Oh, my God.

And next we have the results of the dog show. Is Fluffy going to take the gold once again? Let's meet Peanut. A chihuahua with a German shepherd attitude. Wow. What a mix. Get out your umbrellas for Monday. It will be raining men.

I don't know what that means. Will it be raining men? I think so Goodbye I'm looking at your neighbors out there Is anything going to be left in my car when I get back to it? Just a smile All right

I like how Jay thinks that Hamden is like the hood Yeah, it is Like anything within the boundaries of Baltimore City It's bad news, man That guy made eye contact with me. Stuff happens all the time in Hampton. What are you talking about? It's true.

There hasn't been a murder here since, I think, 99. A murder? Yeah. What about an attempted murder? All the time. Attempted murder? He says, there hasn't been a murder. What about a manslaughter?

There's a difference, Jay. There's a difference. Vehicular manslaughter. On this podcast,omas was talking about how manslaughter sounds so much worse than murder it does what's the charge what's the charge

manslaughter it just makes it sound like the guy just walked into there with a machete and a hockey mask that's manslaughter you lined him up like a cow and shot that thing through his head like what's his name in No Country for Old Men. Javier Bardem. Yes.

What is his name? Sugar, isn't it? She wasn't raped. She was vagina slaughtered, so it's much better. Jesus. Oh, wow. This is why we don't let you two teach. The third best podcast.

Vagina Sloth. Have they announced a winner on that? I think no, but I'm pretty sure the voting ended yesterday. It's those Unger assholes. I'm just kidding. Andrew books me. He does. Magoobies.

That's right. Can I throw a plug out there? Yeah, sure. Okay, great. So if you've enjoyed me, one, check out www.jnjshow.com and stop listening to this crap. And I'll be at McGooby's Joke House October 3rd, 4th, and 5th, and I will be featuring for Richard Lewis. Wow. The Richard Lewis.

The Richard Lewis. Can you call him Dick? I can call him Dick. Can you call him? Little John. Prince John. It's going to be awful. The funny thing is people are like so who's richard lewis i'm like you ever seen robin hood men in tights like i think so i'm like prince john talks like this oh him i don't know but he's funny as hell so i'm excited

he's great i'm excited very funny man cool neurotic as hell and you're featuring i'm featuring for him that's a good gig. Oh, man, that's awesome. I like my goobies, man. They treat you good. October 3rd, 4th. I've never really gotten into my goobies. I love my goobies.

It's a good spot. I started out hosting there a few years ago and worked my way up like all the other local dumbass Baltimore comics. Who doesn't get down to D.C. enough? I'm crapping on myself. But, you know, I've always had good experiences at McGoovy's, whether it was out there in Timonium or Parkville. I've always had good experiences and, you know, good crowds. I've always enjoyed it.

So I'm seeing a pattern here. The city sucks. The county, the best. No, the county is not the best. Okay. Well, all right, a little bit. Where do you live? I'm actually out in Anne Arundel County.

Really? So I grew up like seven minutes from the city line. I would have pictured you as maybe a Towson guy. No. I'm actually, I've probably spent way more time in Baltimore than most Baltimore County kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As far as Magoobies goes, how did you get in there? Because there are some people that listen to this show that would like to know.

Did you do the contest or was it just like word of mouth? Here's how my Magoobies experience began. Oh, and for those that listen and don't live in Maryland, Magoobies is like one of the biggest clubs. Maggoobies experience began um oh and for those that listening don't live in maryland mcgoobies like one of the biggest clubs goobies joke house in timonium come on out it's one of your co-road comedy clubs yeah in the region yeah um here here's my how my experience started um boom i came out and i did uh i hadn't been back from la very long and was just looking to start getting up around in this area. And I kind of learned how, because most of my time before I went to LA, I was doing DC.

Because there wasn't much going in Baltimore. And then coming back and starting up in Baltimore, things have gotten really kind of tribal. And it was, if you don't know my friend, then you're not doing my open mic. You dropped a rock on Piggy's head. Yeah, but it was one of those deals where it's just like, I just did the freaking comedy store, the improv. I've done shows out west. It's like, yeah, well, I don't know.

Maybe I can use you. But I got a guy from Dundalk who's pretty funny. Can you do a tight 90 seconds? Yeah, pretty much. So I went to Magoobies. I did one of their contests. I think i finished third place and from that i ended up with a hosting gig awesome even doing third pretty

good for third place here's the thing some of those contests early on uh well especially back at the uh parkville mcgoobies sorry god you You had guys that were doing like sticky characters, really just stuff that was like, hey, you won because you brought a bunch of friends out. I hate that. I hate that. It was one of those deals like this guy actually did a solid five minutes of material. Right. You know, pre-prepared material, a little crowd work. It was funny.

It was a good five minutes, and I got third place. And from there, I started, I think a month later, I got offered to host. Very nice. And, you know, hosted a few times before getting bumped up to feature. And, you know, I'm featuring there now and everything, so, you know, working on that headlining set. You know. But that's been my Magoobies experience.

And I always tell, always tell because i've hosted the contest a few times you know that emergency phone call comes in from andrew uh i have 75 can you come down and okay can you come down and host the uh contest okay okay guess who canceled guess who canceled mike finazzo um but it's one of those deals where i i always tell the open micers the new guys i'm like guys i've got more work out of third place finishes. I've got more work from contests I lost than anything I ever won. Because most comedy contests

are full of crap. But you're saying they do pay attention to the talent. They do. And that's been my experience, is that they do pay attention. And they do ask, you know, I wouldn't say I'm a respected comic. I've been around for, you know, no one's going to a respected comic. I've been around for, you know,

no one's going to say that, but I've been around for a little while and they do, you know, Hey, what do you think of this guy? What do you think of that guy? Right. And the guy who constantly keeps getting in,

you know, we had one guy, we had one guy who kept coming back and all he did was kept bringing people, but it wasn't funny. Right. And every time they kept putting him in the finals and, you know, finally I was one of the guys who was like,

I'm not putting this guy in the finals and the club was like fine cool because we're not going to book him ever anyway because it was just one of those deals it was just stupid shtick it was all his friends from work kept coming out and was it the creature I will not say who it

was it was not the creature but I don't say I don't even remember the person's name. Here's the thing. I'm terrible about remembering that kind of stuff. There's something like, I remember this show I was doing in 2009. I was featuring with blah, blah, blah. And this guy was the host. And then 15 open micers.

I know all of their names. I've tracked all of them on Facebook. And I follow all of their Twitter feeds individually. I don't know these people. I have a life outside of comedy. I don't know. I'm too busy not banging my students yeah exactly i'm being not busy not having sex with people boom but that that's just kind of that we could edit

this podcast in a way that would get jay in the book please don't do that please i really i i've got to fellas fellas got to get alex brovlovsky to say that the holocaust never happened fellas i got a mortgage and uh i have a mortgage i want to be in the book. Young Vagina. Young Vagina. Young Vagina. Alex Brovlovsky. Yeah, Alex Brovlovsky's name alone. We'll get you in the book.

Just saying it gets you on the sex offender registry. So, yeah, I've heard that too, that even some people that have won, they've said that Andrew, the owner of Magoobie, is like, hey, good set, but I don't think you're ready to host. The set that you did is not really a hosting set because it's kind of either a little too blue or a little too this, but we like it. Come back to a guest spot. Exactly. So then from there, maybe you can kind of build some goodwill, kind of shape a hosting set here's the thing cuz Andrew's been doing this long enough where he knows and the veteran comics know your friends are eventually going to stop seeing you come into comedy fucking hey yeah your friends are going

to get tired of you very fast that's why I have my wife ask me she's much more your friends come out through shows I I don't ask them to I put it out there hey I've got a show if you want to come check it out yeah these are my friends who saw me when I started they were there at every crappy show they saw a lot of bad comedy from me and other people i'm not going to ask these people to you know if it's a big show say hey come on out right but these people paid their dues as friends to watch me do stand up and at some point i always tell helping your friends your family are going this is going to become like a second job for you yeah and that's for

us it is a second job sure and you know what my but it my wife doesn't come and watch me teach oh well maybe just to what make sure I'm not banging the kids like you know yeah we can talk about your paper let me call my wife she'll come over exactly wait a minute wait of us. Wait a minute. Wait, whoa. That took a turn. That took a turn. For my experience, though, it did help having the support of family and friends in the beginning.

Yes. To build the confidence up. It does. And to kind of make it look somewhat legit so you get a decent reputation going, you know? Yeah. But at some point, it almost becomes detrimental. Yeah. But if you're good though if you're good you're good but it's always good to not to be doing a show when there's not your

family there right how are you gonna do when your family and friends aren't there and a bunch of strangers are judging you yeah weirdly i i had the experience of kind of the first show that i didn't really invite anyone to bombing terribly good and Good. And I had to ask, you know, like, was that the reason? And looking back, I really just think it was a shitty show. I mean, it was jokes that I used later that did well with audiences that I didn't know. But it was a huge blow to my ego. Like, oh, my God, what if this whole thing was just total?

It was all a lie. Yeah. My parents have probably seen me do stand-up maybe five or six times in my career. Yeah. And people are like, your parents don't come to more shows? I'm like, it's not a Little League game. I do not want my mom. It's not Little League.

I don't want my mom sitting through some of the comedians. And that's basically where I am with my mom. My dad's cool. Right. It's basically one of those deals where she's like, and she's told me, she said. Come see us do improv. You don't need to come to the stand-up show. She goes, I think you're funny.

I love your stuff. You've grown so much as a comic. Yeah. She said, I cannot stomach some of the other comics that come up. She's like, it's nothing personal. I just, the material, I can't stand. But it's all like the super blue stuff. And she's like, I'm not sitting through this.

Tell me Tommy Zimbardo's story. Oh, Jesus. If Tommy's on the bill, my mother's not coming to the show. It was a show set up by a booker who we won't name who has a reputation for being a little sloppy. I thought I was the feature or something. So I brought my – I think it would have been my first feature spot a few years ago. So I brought my i think it was it would have been my first feature spot a few years ago so i brought my family and everybody and then of course it turns out that somebody else is like i think tommy was the feature and i was you know on third or something and and tommy starts like

ripping with the audience and asking uh my mom's table if anyone's done anal miss moran Anything back door You It's great because my parents were there When I featured for Rich Voss And my wife's parents were there And my wife is always like Should I invite my parents to the show I'm like

You can invite your parents all you want The minute I hear We didn't like that other comic I get it You didn't like the other comic I'm not him I mean my wife to this day I don't like Rich Voss Which is great because Rich Voss has that bit Where like you know that other comic I get it you didn't like the other comic I'm not him I mean my wife this day I don't like rich boss which is great cuz rich boss has that bit really you know that last comic I don't like him yeah it's great cuz my

dad when I saw him after the show he goes you know that comic up after you rich boss is I don't like it oh look at that doing stick way to go Larry callback my dad's doing stand-up now it It's great. It's a father-son act. That's good. No, I mean, I've had a good positive experience at McGoobies. And I've been doing it long enough where I think I have a good relationship with Andrew at this point. Yeah. When I first started working there, it was very much, yes, sir.

Because, I mean, that's Andrew. That's kind of the thing. And he's one of the best club owners around, I think, because he doesn't bullshit and doesn't tolerate crap. Coffee is for closers only. Exactly. He really is like a coffee is for closers kind of guy. Third prize is fuck you. And maybe you can do a guest spot.

So many people are like, I can't get in at Magoobie. It's like, well, you got to. It's like, how long have you been on standout? Well, six months. Like, okay. Andrew is not going to give a six-month guy a hosting spot. Yeah. All right?

Unless you are like some sort of phenom, which I can guarantee you're not. All right? Just as an imaginary person. Just as an imaginary person. You're not. I guarantee anyone who's talking to me is not. Fuck you, imaginary guy. But it's not.

You know, and when I got the spot spot i had been doing stand-up for a few years i mean it wasn't like i was a six-month guy and did the contest it was i i had jokes behind me i had you know probably 25 30 minutes behind yeah a bunch of stage like uh and a lot of experience yeah uh with working a crowd yeah and um but that i've had a good experience i've probably said that seven times it's fine so but but you're saying it's not my the impression i kind of had is that unless you're gonna bring 30 of your friends it's really not worth it but you're saying that the contest is worth it i think the contest is worth it yeah because they'll pay attention right now let me most most good clubs i mean at some point you

all right it's it's weird because every club is different um i i Magoobies... Just like men and women, am I right? Men and women, Mars and Venus people. Every club is a snowflake. I think Magoobies focuses more on the funny. If you bring people, that's great. But at the end of the day, if you bring people, that's wonderful. But if you're not funny, people aren't going to come back.

People come back to comedy clubs based on people being funny. And that's what comedy clubs are based on. It's that return business. We had a great time. The food was good. The drinks were good. We liked the host. He was a funny guy. The feature

was really good. The headliner was hilarious. We can't wait to come back. And that's it. It doesn't matter. Was he funny or was he not? Because Andrew and any other booker knows, at some point, your friends are going to stop giving a crap about your comedy dreams.

Just like you will as a comic. You will stop giving a crap about your comedy dreams. Like, I could go down to D.C. and do more gigs or I could buy a Mustang. What do I want? That's the decision I have all the time. I'm making teacher money there, Mike. Teacher money. By teacher money, I mean I'm going to need to borrow another beer

I'll pay you back later That's fair What got you into the teaching profession other than all the hot young tail Jesus Mary and Joseph That's how they start the interview The principal's like besides the young tail Besides young women And the violence against young people Obviously we're all here for young puss It's like, besides the young men. Besides young women.

And the violence against young people. Oh, my God. Obviously, we're all here for young puss. You are the worst people I've ever met in my life. You are the worst people. Thank you. Theory of evolution. I was a TV radio guy coming out of college. Right.

And I came out of college. TV on the radio was your favorite band. Yes. You had the posters posters had the jean jacket with the patch came out of college at the worst possible time for that stuff had my first job um i was going to be the backup weekend sports guy at wmd 47 in salisbury and before i could start got fired because they decided oh the sports guys now don't work hard enough you're not getting a third person. So I needed money.

I started substitute teaching. And I used that to pay my way to get out to California. Did California for a while. Came back. I was like, I'll start substitute teaching again. Just to make some money and pay some bills off. And next thing you know, I was getting certified. And I was a teacher.

Sounds like you weren't even aware that you were being certified. I kind of was. It was just like, next thing you know, it was like i ended up being a teacher it was weird yeah this is a silly question but you know it was kind of a certifying me it was kind of a natural segue because some days it's really like doing stand-up for six hours yeah well in front of an audience i do find that any speaking in front of anyone is helpful oh absolutely for stand-up yeah i i agree absolutely and uh it was just fun like i kind of enjoyed it you know i i uh there you go so i just kind of said i was like you know what this is not a bad way to pay the bills right and uh keep keep pursuing the dreams and doing the other things but

the same time i can actually eat right yeah and you get summers off and we mentioned the appetite puss and would you stop god damn it when you roll it all together you are the worst people it's a real good package speaking of sports how's that girls uh field hockey uh team looking this year i don't know i don't watch that crap all right i don't like field hockey that's the dumbest game it is the hokey pokey you want to ask. I don't know if I've ever actually watched any field hockey. I've never watched a full game. I've watched like a half. I guess it's a half.

Simply as like, hey, way to go, students. Good job. Way to hit that ball. Good. It's out of bounds. Okay. Yeah. In middle school, in our gym class, we had a woman that was adamant about us all playing field hockey.

Even the dudes. Awful. Awful. I just don't care for it as a sport. No. Who the fuck does? In most women's sports, with the exception of soccer, track and field. Mud wrestling.

Mud wrestling. That's kind of like women's lacrosse. I hate women's lacrosse because there's no flow to the game whatsoever everything is a stoppage in play women's basketball is like watching paint dry women's soccer I think is the only to me it's like the women's sport it's probably just as good if not better than the men's game

what about booty shaking contest that the women always have best buns got buns son Better than the men's game. What about booty shaking contest? That, the women always say that. Best buns. Got buns, son. Female tennis. Not too bad. Ladies tennis.

Sorry, I forgot about that one. Not too bad. That's a good one. Not too bad. Women's luge. When the women do American gladiators. Skeleton. Two-man skeleton. Yes.

Two-man luge when they lay on top of each other. That was obviously a closeted guy that came up with that, right? Like, right like oh well what if he laid on top of me and we went down together hey no that sounds like fun way guys that guy in the book he's in the book he is in the book and there's a separate page for his luge his sled i built this contraption we might die on and maybe we can form a bond in our fear of death and you know nothing brings people together like the fear of death yeah that's true that's true that's why we podcast with guns to our heads uh let me ask you a tough question okay jay

if it is about young tight you know what oh you said it and i did not it is about that we are not going down that road you are just giving us way too much stuff to edit together incriminately uh please don't ask a tough question jay you're in the hot seat you ever had a good experience in the goobies yes oh okay all right you okay yeah Yes. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Yeah. You're going to have to live with that answer. Yeah. Okay.

We're recording this. At McGoobies. FYI, that microphone. You are aware that the internet goes out to everybody. Yeah. I've had a great experience. I've had good experiences at McGoobies. Okay.

I'm just putting it out there. Oh, shut up. But I've had a good experience. Yeah. Okay. What are you saying? Oh, shut up. But I've had a good experience. Yeah, okay. I recently heard, speaking of having your friends and family come see you, Jim Norton didn't let any of his friends or family see him for six years. Really?

Yeah. I get it, though. You don't want to fail in front of those people, right? In front of his friends and family? No, not those people, those savages. But no, I mean, it takes a long time to get good. It's basically like, hey, watch me fail in front of people. You know, like guitar, you practice in your room for six months, and then you're like, hey, check it out.

Check it out, look what I did. I learned to understand men. They're like, you're pretty good, but they don't see you hitting all the wrong notes, breaking strings. But like stand-up, like no one does stand-up in their room for six months, and then it comes out. Let me tell you a couple jokes.

Yeah, no one does that. I kind of did that, honestly. Well, because you kind of do more. You were doing more one-liners yeah well i was doing improv and i got like you know the books on how i love improv i like it too we both when it's funny yeah no i think we can all agree improv when it's funny it's great improv when it's not funny wasn't that every comedy medium yeah i guess stand up when it's not i guess i don't know but it's i feel like bad improv is like jesus what the hell is this no yeah it's bad stand up you're like ah

okay that guy's not funny or that guy's having a bad night bad improv it's like you people practice this what did you do you practiced no because you can practice improv you can you know it's a muscle you have to flex improv exactly you you can you know it's a muscle you have to flex improvization exactly you you can you know it's a muscle yeah yeah do you ever want to people that don't understand that at all like would practice it yeah i think my dad has like no concept of it at all same here my dad thinks the same thing about stand-up he doesn't get it other Other people ask you this all the time. You write your own stuff? No, I'm doing

George Carlin's act from 75. Yeah. You know the album An Evening with Wally Slondo or was it featuring Bill Slazo by George Carlin?

I'm doing that today. What are you talking about? You've heard that out. No, it's called An Evening with Wally Lando I think featuring Bill Slazo. But it's a Carlin album. Okay.

Who? Right. Who? Yeah, he's a comic. Before your time. Open mic-er. Open mic-er. Not very good.

Some bullshit. Kicked around in the village. What a pussy. No, but it's just, you write your own stuff. No, I'm going to do Bill Cosby's act tonight. What about when they say something completely asinine? They're like, Jay, you going to use this in one of your skits? Oh.

Jay. Jay. Hey, Jay. You jay jay that's always my favorite um i got an idea for one of your skits okay first off i don't perform at cub scout camps there's too much young tail running around second second no you don't you don't have an idea this is this is and i'm fairly i don't even have an idea i can guarantee you don't i'm fairly 100 positive that there's no way this person is listening so i don't feel bad this is the mom fuck worst suggestion i've ever gotten for for somebody who want who wanted me to write a stand-up bit around it yeah hey mike i got an idea for for uh for a stand-up thing um what about when, Mike, I got an idea for a stand-up thing. What about when you go out with people and you're supposed to go to one place and

they start insisting on going to a bunch of different places before you go? That was funny. Oh. It was the awkward pause and then Yeah. It's like, you're bombing right now. What do you think is gonna happen when i tell

when i say that into an amplified microphone into a room of people that paid right what about and let me know if you've had this experience too folks yeah you go out somewhere with somebody you may want to stop at other places uh we're going to target all right not making but maybe i want to stop at walmart i don't know oh yeah it's lunacy man but yeah that's always my favorite i got no idea we just pick up crafts later well yeah what i guess you're probably working around a lot of like middle-aged teacher folk too like oh jay it's kind of everybody it's not just middle-aged teacher folk it's i got an idea for your skin i tell you who the the people who never offer me any sort of advice ever on stand-up are my parents yeah and i love them for that where they are like listen we

really kind of have no clue how you do what you do we always thought you were a funny kid like i found out later like we always thought you were a funny kid uh you know funny looking i had you in that we always thought you were funny i kid. Funny looking. We always thought you were funny. I had the opposite with my dad recently. We never gave you ideas. They never were like, here's what you should do. The first time my parents saw me do stand-up, they were like, that's actually not terrible. It's not bad.

My dad told me to do improv in high school at one point. I never really thought my dad thought that I was funny. Right. And that was like senior year of high school. I did some stupid improv thing. And I got on stage and I was like, that was really funny. You're still in the family for now. I kind of want to talk to you.

I'm not going to put your stuff outside. You're not uninvited to Thanksgiving. I think I'm going to start showing up again. Yeah. We'll see. Let's start around Christmas, maybe new year's kick it off right i'm just saying there's still i don't want to come in i don't want to come in halvesies on 99 let's start in 2000 we'll see we will see now i had the opposite my dad is like i was thinking about the other day when did you get funny you weren't funny when you were little you weren't funny when you yeah i appreciate that you know generational it's uh yeah it is generational love it is funny my dad was i

think was a funny i think he had like people rolling when he was younger i think that's where i kind of got my humor from oh i think my dad's hilarious right he doesn't really probably think he's funny i think he's i'll tell you where i think my dad's hilarious right he doesn't really probably think he's funny i think he's i'll tell you where i think my introduction to adult humor lay was burton because that's like the first actual humor you know what i mean like before that it's just like silly surprise kind of jack-in-the-box yeah burton ernie actually had a little bit of comedic timing i think straight man funny man right funny man. Right, right. Like that classic kind of duo chemistry there.

Yeah. I think mine was probably Looney Tunes, I think. I don't know. I wasn't a big Looney Tunes guy myself. Loved it. Loved it all. I watched all the time. Yeah.

Big fan. That was all right. Big... Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. What was... I'll put this out there for both you guys it's

probably pretty hacky but what's the first stand-up that you saw that was like oh my god it's so funny like on tv when i saw myself on youtube the year was 2013 it was august um it had to be somebody comedy central probably like middle school early high school yeah you know no no dates i really no no friday night no dates i hate people that do that i do too i was 17 and a half yeah i was i was dating this girl in like eighth grade no you weren't dating anybody you were in eighth grade yeah okay if you don't have here's my opinion on dating if you don't have a driver's license you're not dating anyone a date involves a car i'm putting it out there that's the adults that

don't have a driver's license that never dated anyone that's right do you not have a driver's license mike no i do okay good i didn't have a car for a long time that's okay don't need a car don't need a car because you can borrow otherwise my first date would have been like a month you can borrow a car that's fine but i'm sorry anybody if you don't have a driver's license you did not go on a date i'm talking like i'll accept the classic teenage americana type deal if you didn't have a driver's license you didn't go on a date hey i accept it hey okay i i i love that yeah so i was like i was dating this girl when i was in seventh grade you weren't dating anybody you were hanging out in her backyard you showed up at her house we had just learned about isosceles Triangles. It was a wild time.

In movies, they always have a lookout point where the cars drive up to and look over the city. Makeout. Have you ever experienced one of those in real life? No, there is no makeout point in this area. Not at all. That must be a West Coast thing. In any town I've ever lived in. I think it's just a fake movie thing.

It could be. Yeah. I've never been to makeout point. Right. Never. Not once. Not yet. Not yet. Keep a Never. Not once. Not yet. Not yet.

Keep a positive attitude, Jay. Not yet. Okay, but first stand-ups. Or my favorite is like, yes, we were doing it in a car. No, you weren't. No, you weren't. No, I didn't. I got busted twice in Simonium doing it in a car.

Both in school parking lots. During the state fair. Both times in school parking lots. He got a blue ribbon both times third place which isn't bad he got a hosting gig he got a hosting gig you don't fuck the best you come on back next week we'll let you host i remember one time just go somewhere where we can't find you keep fucking but not here jesus jesus christ no yeah i've had sex in um car a couple times guys i put my penis and vagina in um uh not a horseless carriage

jesus that's what the kids are calling it yeah right not to put the horse in the carriage you guys know what i'm talking about uh but first i did it was one of those indie cars that was buzzing around downtown last week you know you know um horses in the engine uh i uh i think it was either eddie murphy's uh delirious or george carlin special i forget which one came first i don't think i have a moment i you know i i honestly not to like disrespect stand-up i love it in a lot of ways. But I really didn't. I grew up more on SNL, The Simpsons. Oh, Simpsons was huge. I was never like, I love stand-up.

There was never a comedy. No, it wasn't in that moment. No, it wasn't in that moment where I was like, this is what I'm going to try one day. It was just like, oh my God, this is so fun. So I'm kind of with you. SNL, Simpsons. Simpsons, huge. Benny Hill, Monty Python, all that stuff that was on Comedy Central back in the day

because that's all Comedy Central had. Yeah. They were so cheap. Oh, yeah. It was so great. SNL's from the 70s. It was so great, though, because I love people in our generation talk to some of these kids now.

It's like, oh, you guys don't know anything about that. It's like, well, the only reason we know about it is because it was on reruns on an infantile Comedy Central. That's how we know. It's not that we were like, cool kids. We knew about all this British comedy. No, it was on reruns when we got home from school. And that's what I watched. Yeah.

There's one comic that kind of stands out in my mind. His name hadn't come across my mind in a long time. Carlos Mencia. No, Ralph Harris. Ralph Harris. Ralph Harris. mind in a long time carlos mencia no uh ralph harris feature ralph ralph harris i remember he was a guy who um you know had a great great comedy central special i think he's one of these guys he's just a touring working comic um you know he's had been on some tv stuff just but he's made

a career as a comic which i think any comic that's just what you want to do is like if you can pay the bills doing stand-up, that's kind of the goal right there where I could just pay all the bills slinging funny. Or a writing gig. Turning stand-up into a writing gig. It's like, if I can just be funny

and pay the bills, that would be so flippant awesome. He's one of those guys, he's just the consummate, I think, journeyman comic. But I remember seeing hismate, I think, journeyman comic. But I remember seeing his stuff, I think, maybe when I was, like, ninth grade or so. Uh-huh. And when I was a kid, people were like, oh, you should really do stand-up. And I was like, man, those people are weird, man.

They're all sad and stuff. They're all screwed up. But, like, ninth grade, I was like, I'm going to try that one day. Yeah. One day. I really liked driving long distances, too, to be honest. College is when, you know, I really really was like, I started writing jokes. Right.

And then I think it was like maybe second year of college. You know, I'm going to go on an open mic. I'm going to go on an open mic. I'm going to find an open mic. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And you went to Salisbury, right? Salisbury, Maryland.

Salisbury, Maryland. Seagull country. There's an open mic in Salisbury? No, I was home for the summer i did uh i was one of the last last of the baltimore comics to get their start at winchester's winchester or water street that's so not not to like a stone's throw from where the old comedy factory that was the old drinks that were funny right i don't know that was damons that was uh up in uh hunt valley but

this was uh like a stone's their water street is this tiny little street right up from the old burke's comedy factory right all right yeah and uh and that's there was a an open uh comedy club upstairs a small tiny hole in the wall comedy club yeah and uh that's where i did my very first set and i think two months later they closed so I was one of the last Baltimore comics to get his start at Winchester's that's a good sign it's like what happened to that place you did your first set closed down shortly after

because I was slinging funny too much funny how did your early career go um impeaching shut the hell up there was nothing pedophilic about that. Do you pedophile me out there?

Sorry. I don't know. I think I had a halfway decent, for the time, first set. I got a few laughs. Nothing big. Just a few like, that's funny. I got a little something from the audience. I had one friend come down with me.

I didn't bring anybody. I had one friend. Good move. I was like, hey, man. I'm doing stand-up tonight. First time ever. He was one of those guys that was like, dude, you should really try it, man. You should do it.

You should try it. I was like, all right. I'm doing the show. Here's the place. It was 104 degrees that day. It was July. I went in signed up

and then sat out on the sidewalk trying not to throw up yeah for I don't know how long yeah and

so he came down you know after the you know I got a few laughs nothing big nothing big you know got some silence it was good

I did like five minutes and afterwards he was like you sucked he's like and you're ugly he afterwards he was like you sucked he's like and you're he was like I suck but I don't think you're gonna suck for long and it was really kind of cool and then uh because I'm before I did my verse before I did a few people know the story but uh before I did my very first open mic I was going down and uh my dad said I was like he's like what are you doing and I was like I'm gonna go go down and do open mic comedy.

He just looked at me and goes, all right. Oh, go be funny. And I actually got that inscribed inside my class ring from Salisbury. It was go be funny. I thought it was going to be the whole thing. All right. All right. Go be funny.

All right. Dot, dot, dot. Go be funny. Take out the trash. I'm leaving your mother. It's all it's all inscribed inside my class ring but i actually i had that inscribed in my class ring when i graduated so uh that's awesome yeah it was kind of a fun thing but it was just kind of cool and

my dad was like all right go give it a shot go do it whatever you know put up or shut up yeah you've been out you've been hacking like an asshole around here for years go go treat other people to it all yeah go show other people the magic that is your personality. Yeah, first time I did stand-up, it was when Mike Stork, the guy that bumped you. Mike Stork, he was running an open mic at a pizza place. Of course he was. Joe Squared, which is a good venue. They have music and stuff there.

But Mike wasn't just running the show. He was also working on the ovens in the back because that's what Mike does. In between cleaning up the vomit in the women's room, he would come out and host. I got to go back and fix these ovens. You know what the problem with these ovens is? I pulled out the belt. I love Mike Stork. I really do. I just can't talk to him on the phone. Oh, he's a talker. I love

Mike. I just can't because it's like an hour. An hour goes by. I'm like, okay, Mike. I got to go teach. It's the third period. Gotta get rolling here. Yeah, no, no. Please, no. Tell me more about the Ford Explorer you're putting back together. Yeah. Please, no. Tell me more why you don't like the Ford Motor Company. I don't

quite have your cancer on my cell phone yet. Please keep going. But, that aside, Mike is an awesome guy. He's the best. I love that guy. He is awesome. So, Moran, for a while, because I was doing improv, and then you were like, yeah, just do it. Just do it. I was the same way.

I was so nervous. I think it's something that you respect so much that you're like, I don't want to do it. You can't just be like, hey, I'm up here fucking the dicks, butts, and the black people. Dicks, butts, black people. Which is my clothing now. Yeah. Dicks, butts, black people. See you later closer now yeah dick's butts black people see you later oh thank you very much you guys thanks for letting me hang out good night everybody but uh uh mike stork he's like is it your first time you probably tell how nervous i was it's like yeah he's like

all right well just uh just do you're gonna do four minutes i'll just light you at three and uh you know have fun four minutes no fucking way am i gonna do four minutes i'll just light you at three and uh you know have fun four minutes no fucking way am i gonna do four are you crazy he's like nah man you'll be okay i end up doing seven minutes because i'm just rambling whoa rambling god and he just let me go right he never gave me the light right from flight school to top gun yes no but my my plane had crashed a long time ago. You killed Goose. And people are still... Goose? Was that a captain in the top? You killed Goose.

Oh, there it is. No, so it was just... I just basically was like, oh, if I stop talking, they can realize that I'm not funny. But if I keep talking, they'll never know. That's an old comedy trick. If I just keep cruising along at this pace, they will never realize I've said absolutely nothing, and they will be completely entertained.

Yep. Thralled, even. Yes, and that's exactly how it went. I got a couple laughs, but still. You did fine for your first time. But, yeah, there was just no, I wasn't self-aware at all. It was just like, and this, and thenaware at all. It's like, and this, and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I could be an old man and go into what's wrong with new comics now, but you know. Sure. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, man. The Kesha albums.

The Miley Cyrus and the Twiking. It is funny how like when old people complain about young people, it's all just like, the computers and the texting. It's like, yeah, people complain about young people, it's all just like, the computers and texting. It's like, yeah, that's way worse than segregation. Way worse than segregation and the Holocaust. Yeah.

That damn Facebook is going to bring us all down. They're running out of stuff to complain about. Microsoft Outlook. I mean, come on. I remember when computers filled a room. Now you just barely get to big enough one for your pocket. Go ahead. Maybe there's just more outlets for comedy now than maybe when I started.

But it's just kind of amazing where it's like, yeah, I've got 25 minutes. I've been doing it for three months. Yeah. Now you got two. Right. You got two funny. It is weird, though, some some comedians i want to get paid i'm like we all want to get paid man that's i remember that's kind of what we're all

doing here we want to get right like it's like but i like not even that long ago when i was like in my early 20s i had this friend that was the guy who always wanted to start a different band and knew exactly like what the band would look like and uh and like with the even before you've written a song exactly exactly it was like he was still in that middle school mode but he was knew exactly like what the band would look like and uh and like with the even before you've written a song exactly exactly it was like he was still in that middle school mode yeah but he was actually a good musician so i kept giving him a chance right but he uh i remember one time he he said that with the paychecks that we get from our first gig we should buy motorcycles to drive to our second gig he thought that we were going to make thousands of dollars

from our first gig. That man, Justin Bieber. It's really just kind of amazing where it was like, my first paycheck for comedy was a coupon for an oil change. That's not bad. That was my first paying gig.

Where can I sign up for this? I was like, man, that's pretty awesome. That Meineke, you killed it, that Meineke. I did. I did. Corporate outings

are where it's at. Chippy Loom sucks dick. I'm out of here. Y'all have a good one. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's like a, he's like a young car. Like him,

he's good. But better. But it's just kind of amazing where, you know, some people have been doing it for like three months. Like, yeah, I think I'm gonna move to New York.ork i'm like let's give it a little time

a little time yeah it's yeah try try a few more things no yeah it's it's insane completely because around here you get so many opportunities well not so many but you get opportunities to do longer sets and then we go to new york like oh you got two minutes holy fuck be funny yeah and yeah here it's like all right you can do 10 to 12 and blah blah you know i don't know it's uh it's different i would love to go i've never done stand-up in new york but i mean i was out in la and i think that i mean it definitely helped me in the sense that it was a lot of you've got three you've got four yeah maybe you've got five also you better be throwing gas and we don't know you and we hate you you know like you're in

the way of my exactly it's like dude none of none of this hey i'm gonna build into it no it's almost like it's almost like being a relief pitcher you better go out there you better throw strikes you better get these guys out. And you're going to get your ass back on the bench. Yeah. And then we're pulling you out of the game. Okay. It's middle relief.

You are going to just go out there and torch it and go. That's it. And that's kind of what it sets you up for. But I think that style helped me start to write a lot of material. Because just to be succinct and just exactly so now it's like you know being on the east coast you get to work longer sets like oh i get to i get to play a little bit that's kind of cool where i get to i get to i get to play i could do some do a little crowd work which i don't like to be a crowd work comic i love doing you're pretty good with it thank you

i really when you had that uh this is a few years ago, something with the Million Man March, or you yelled at somebody for buying their fleece from a packed sun. Remember that? Oh, wow. No. It almost,

I'm going to be honest with you, Mike. I don't remember where I was this morning. I can't remember the setup. I think I had a lot of concussions as a kid. There's a heckle, and you came back with,

you bought that fleece from Pac's son. Stop acting like you were at the Million Man March or something. I can't remember exactly what the heckle was. All right, that does sound familiar. It's jogging a repressed memory. But yeah, that's a cool thing. It's like you can do a little crowd work. You can build into a set.

You don't have to just be like, set up, joke, set up yeah joe where is you know la new york you really kind of like dude here's your time you got to go yeah because we don't have time for you to craft a a tapestry of hilarity we need you to go out there and be funny make these people laugh get them to buy drinks and maybe you'll get a development deal right well yeah the last time you're here i went and did the uh the open mic at the uh the draft house same thing it was like four minutes and get the fuck out of there yeah wow four minutes that's crazy which but it's good though like a lot of times i actually like getting back in that environment i loved it it was really fun it really is trial by fire it's who who can get to the funny and get to it fast.

And the funny thing is it's called an open mic, but you are not trying new stuff there. No. Yeah, it was weird. Well, I show up and I felt like I was on like a football team or something. Like we all signed up on this list. It's like 25 people. And then they brought us out outside in the front. Like, all right, some people signed up.

You're not going to get to do it. If you didn't hear your name, you know, come week and i was like jesus christ but luckily i was in it because uh i did a set uh that's all i did in la was you you'd fly out to the valley or wherever the hell yeah you're trying to get your damn name on that list because if you you know you weren't there by four o'clock yeah if i wasn't out of work by three yeah on the 405 and i started like eight o'clock so if you weren't out the door by three o'clock from work out to the val and i worked like six seven days a week so it all you know to get those 40 hours right you weren't out the door by three yeah you know when the second shift came on in your truck heading out to the valley to get

your name on that list your ass was not getting up so you you'd be sweating driving over into the valley to make sure that you got to north hollywood on time and that's the perfect name like mindset where you want to do comedy where you're frazzled the whole time and you're like and that's the thing you wonder you look at that environment you wonder why comics as a people are so screwed up. The stuff you have to do just to get on stage, especially very early in your career. That comedians are an exceptionally neurotic bunch. You hear people say that about a lot of groups that they belong to. I think comics are as screwed up as they want to be.

I feel like there is a pretty strong level of immaturity within. Yeah. Compared to improv, you know, or like other. I think both. I mean, there almost has to be. Like the fact that you can joke and kind of, you know, like working in an office environment, you see that people shut that stuff off. They're like, they make the worst jokes. But like when here, like we can joke about anything.

Comedy is so subjective. Comedy is subjective, but also. I'm we can joke about anything. Comedy is so subjective. Comedy is subjective, but also... I'm funny, he's funny. Why is his career moving more than mine is? We're both funny. We both get laughs. And why do people who are not funny get famous? Right.

It's like, why are they moving forward? And why are they moving faster up the ladder than I am? With our jobs, a lot of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can look at a guy and go, well, he's on time. He wears a tie. He's really good with his reports. He's not a dick.

He's not screwing the kids. He's really good at his job. And that's why he's moving up the ladder. It's clearly quantifiable. Why is this guy moving up? Well, that's why. With comedy, you're just like, why the hell is that guy doing 30 minutes right right right i am learning a lot of it though is not i mean it goes with life just don't be a dick yeah i mean like there's a lot of it but sometimes but sometimes in comedy you can't help it sometimes you see bullshit you just gotta

you just gotta say that's bullshit you sometimes do oh sure and you don't like to be that guy because you don't want to be the bitter comic but there are definitely times when you just gotta you just gotta say that's bullshit you sometimes do oh sure and you don't like to be that guy because you don't want to be the bitter comic but there are definitely times when you just look at a situation yeah all right i'm calling bullshit here i'm calling on that person like even if they're nice you're just like in the situation you're like all right this is crap no you got to be funny too but i think what makes a difference is if you're you know it's like oh this guy's not a dick last time he did did the show, he didn't say anything. He was nice. And then he left or whatever versus like having a good reputation.

And I don't want to be mean to anybody, especially if I'm working at a club or an open mic or whatever it is I'm doing. Because the last thing, you know, because then someone remembers you like, oh, he was an asshole. They work it throughout and you're an asshole. Right. And I don't want to be a jerk to people. Like, if anything, I want to be nice to younger comics that are just starting out because there were a lot of comics that were nice to me yeah i remember when you had an open mic going you were very adamant about having like a supportive kind kind of environment not yeah because you know older comedians oh that's awesome about the

you know give give the newbies advice and things like that and uh you know some comics don't want to do that and that's fine. It's just like retired athletes or pro athletes are like, hey, working with kids ain't my thing. Cool, man. That's cool. I'm glad you actually said that you don't like working with kids because the last thing I want to see is some guy out there going, suck it, ground balls. You're taking it that way. Whoa, that's not the way to do it.

Not the way to coach the kid up, okay? Can we get a news for Timmy over here? Same with comedy. It's like, dude, if you don't like talking to younger comics, then when you finish your set, leave. Don't sit there and be shitty to people. Get the fuck out of there. Don't be a dick to them.

Because a lot of, like, it was weird for me when the first time somebody said, I look up to you as a comic. And I was like, really? Are you okay? Are you okay? You know I'm in the book right we got some issues do we have all our chromosomes but you start to realize though that you know as we do this longer

and longer there are people that are starting out and they kind of they look at you and go oh like i i wouldn't do what you're doing and i'm like no you really don't but but um you know you want to give them at least good advice or be honest with them like i found a lot of joy and happiness and doing stand-up yeah i want to yeah it's fun it's a good outlet it's fun and if i make some money doing it it's great yeah and uh and i would say i mean that's so cool that you do that i mean especially because you know i'm just starting out but hearing like guys that you actually respect me like, hey, man, good set. That means everything.

You're like, oh, okay, I'm actually doing all right. I'm actually kind of a dick in that way. If you didn't have a good set, if you just went up there and did crap, if the audience just wasn't digging what you were doing, but you were really working something, I'll say, hey, man, that was a good set. You worked some things. That's really cool. They weren't digging it tonight. Give it a couple times see what happens with it if you're

not buying into it after a few times yeah yeah try something different right um you know but the guy has been doing the same thing 10 times in a row and nobody's laughing i'm not gonna say good set because it clearly it's not a good set when when when 10 out of 10 nobody laughed yeah chances are that's not very good how do you got to be honest with people you do you do have to be a little bit honest and the other thing like um uh there's a way to be honest about being a dick one of the biggest things i you know i you know some comics starting out and you know other comics the blue stuff too blue and it and it's i blue comedy is funny yeah i think it's funny i would love to sit at a 10

o'clock show somewhere and laugh my ass off yeah but when starting out i always tell them like dude right right clean right you know or as clean as you can well because you can always if you just rely on shock and all you can always here's like the way i write you can always adult up a joke, but you can't, you can't tone a joke down. If you write a joke about banging midgets, the joke is about banging midgets. You can't say, so we were coloring with midgets. Like you, you can't tone it down. I was making love with midgets.

And you, and you do encounter every once in a while, some comics. I'm probably coming off as a pretentious douche on this podcast. Oh, we have, you're just coming up as a douche. We have the pretentious douche filter on your mic. Okay, good. We'll take it off in post. But it's like, oh, I'm not getting booked here.

I'm not getting booked there. It's like, all right. Yeah. Have you stopped to think about your material? Right. And it's, you know, especially the host somewhere, whether it's Magoobies anywhere. This is like the Ryan Seacrest of the night when you think about it. This is the guy who's going to be, hey, everybody, you know,

we're having a great time tonight. And then you do your funky little five minutes, and you're having a good time, and everyone's like, aha, that was great, that was fun. And that's how you start. It's like, dude, you can't, you're not going to get a hosting gig talking about nailing your cousin in Dundalk. Right.

You know, just the blue stuff. You're not going to get a hosting gig doing that if you want to do blue that's fine but you're going to have to work yourself up to a point where you're doing those later shows you're doing feature acts things like that where people want to hear that stuff yeah but starting out you're kind of shooting yourself in the foot right by by doing the blue stuff well that's that's what i was mentioning earlier it's nothing against blue comic, because there is that divide sometimes. It's kind of like, oh, man, he doesn't like blue comics. No, I think blue comedy is funny as hell. But if you're trying to make it on the 8 o'clock show at a club,

the blue stuff is not going to get you booked. End of story. It's called demographics. It's called running a business. Take a marketing class, and you'll learn why. Well, that's what we were talking about earlier with Mugubi. It's like with the contest. Sure, you can be killing it there. Well, that's what we were talking about earlier with Magoobies, like with the contest. Like, sure, you can be killing it there.

Like, I was fucking and sucking. You're not going to get the hosting. First off, and let's talk about the term killing and crushing. Because those are some terms that get tossed around a little too often these days. I crushed. Yeah. I crushed. We could talk about that, but I also want to talk about, I think it was Pete Holmes recently brought up.

I think he said it a few times, but how funny it is that you get the least experienced guy to host the show. Like, it's weird that that's the trajectory. Like, oh, this guy hasn't been doing it for very long. Let's let him fly the plane. And then we'll get everybody else. It's so strange. It's true. It's true.

It's like, okay, you're not bad. You can host the entire show. Like, what the fuck is happening here? Like, it's weird, right? But at the same time, what are you going to give this guy 20 minutes in the middle? I agree. No. Yeah, that's true.

I agree. Come on. Just don't give him anything. No. I mean, just work at duo with Mike until he's good at it. I know. It's just funny, though. The least experienced guy.

Yeah. But, I mean, that's always one of my things. It's just the, though. The least experienced guys. Yeah. But, I mean, that's always one of my things. It's just the crushing and killing. Crushing and killing and the blue stuff where it's like, dude. And there's so many guys where I'm like, dude, you just got to turn it down. Yeah. Or just they're like, I can't get booked outside of bars. And it's like, well, because you're just doing crowd work and bar jokes.

Right. Bar patrons are generally drunk as hell to start the show. Different vibe. Comedy clubs, they're generally, they've had one or two maybe to start the show. Yeah. Feature act, they've had maybe three. And then by the headliner, we're pretty lubricated.

We're ready to go. We're all slick back here. We're ready on a Saturday afternoon. That's right. After he's done coaching kids. We're well lubed. We're all slicked back here. We're ready on a Saturday afternoon. That's right. After he's done coaching kids. We're well lubed up. Showered and everything for this. Good man.

Good man. Didn't do the hair, though. I showered for everybody. I got to get a haircut. I know. Your hair's long. It is. It's getting shaggy.

I thought it was actually a pretty darn good haircut. It's a good cut. It's haircut. It's a good cut. It's okay. It's a good cut. What do you mean, okay? That's okay. What do you mean, it's a good cut? What's wrong with it?

Nothing's wrong, honestly. There's just nothing snazzy about it, I guess. I don't know. It is what it is. Does my hair ever make a difference for me, though? I think Mike is rocking that. I don't know. I think you should grow it a little longer.

I never know what to do. grow it a little longer and like you never know what to do grow it a little longer do what josh does and just do your whole like sweepy no feverish look at me i might be a rock star i might do improv maybe i just work out like i don't know a thrash metal fan from the 80s when i like started just it's just like straight that's why i have to do stuff with mine because if I just be like, I'll let it grow long. It's just straight, long hair. I love to end the podcast on our insecurities about our hair as men. You look very nice, Michael.

I like it. It's short. It's tight. Honestly, your hair has been like that for a minute so I did not notice that you had a haircut. A hot minute right a hot minute a hot minute you're gonna bleach it really let's go let's go back to 1999 like the metal ball necklace let's yeah let's frost those tips can i get like a shirt with us like one solid stripe yeah i got a vest remember that was popular

yeah yeah for about seven minutes this is was popular yeah seven minutes Dawson's Creek sweater vest you're like why did I get a sweater you should yep sure oh that was totally the thing yeah tribal tattoos yeah yeah on the arm well that's the thing yeah get some barbed wire we We got some JNCOs. Uh-huh. No big deal. Nobody will be looking at horrible JNCOs. Oh, my God. Soaps was such a strange thing. I know. God bless you.

I had a friend who was really into it. He would wear his shoe around his neck, and he had the ball necklace. Wait, who did? My friend in high school. What was the key for? You could, like, unlock the soap and take it out and put another one in. Wait. I don't know why you need that immediate access to it.

You'll remember this. Soaps? Soaps were these shoes where you had a little, it was carved out, like a little half of a cylinder so you could grind if you were walking. Oh, yeah. You would buy the soap, which was, I don't know what it was made out of. Rubber maybe? Yeah, like a hard plastic or something.

I guess you'd grease it up or something. Yeah, they put a little sex wax on there. I see. You pop it into your shoe and lock it in there. Yeah. So it's basically you could just grind with your feet. And anyway, let's talk about this week's fun thing. By the way, I saw a 29-year-old riding a skateboard down the avenue.

I'm sorry. Anybody over the age of 21 riding a skateboard whose name is not Tony Hawk, I hope you die in a blimp crash. I do all right what are you doing what are you doing with your life i don't know i don't know what not like things are gonna take off pretty soon like you're 28 and you ride a skateboard no they're not i feel like things have taken off but as far as they're gonna go you are the challenger of life that's it You are the challenger of life. Of extreme sports. You are the challenger of careers, my friend. You're going to kill a teacher. 90 seconds after takeoff, bam!

You're going with the aviation disasters for the skateboarders. And eventually we will dig you out of the Atlantic. You know a lot of them probably would have survived if they had a parachute on that thing. Most of them died from the impact. I think you're wrong most of them were alive now that's crap they blew up you want to make a wager here let's make a wish

you what's your source because you have glasses a my glass mike has glasses that automatically means he knows some shit yeah that's why i get better grades for classes that are not online the teacher doesn't they're my god, I'm sorry. I'm doing my whole master's degree online. Go for it. I'm not sitting in a classroom again. I spend my whole day in there. I'm not going to sit in one at night.

If I get my bachelor's, I'll probably do it online. Oh, dude, it's the best. It's the best. Yeah, it really is. Alright, well, we're about at the end of the episode, Jay. Great. Alright, so hold on about at the end of the episode, Jay. Great. Hold on. Do me a solid.

You got it. You got a pinky promise. Here we go. Pinky promising for those at home. Do you want to not delete this? I do want to not delete it. He wants to not delete it. Because I want to. Because I want this episode to flood the internet.

Three frogs on a log. Okay. Two of them make a decision to jump off. How many are left? Wait, you said there's three frogs on a log? Three frogs on a log to decide to jump off. How many are left? Three.

Correct. I also said three. All right. Continue. Was that your teacher test? Yeah, he's a teacher i could tell he passed the frog question he's got it we're at the easy riddle part of the podcast josh wants to jump off the log but that doesn't mean he's going to it's a good point yeah but hey uh can i tell my friends

out there on the internet head them up check out uh www.jnjshow.com now i think you need to be a little more on your own show. We're editing that out. No, you should be more explicit. It is j-a-y a-n-d show. jnj, letter j, show.com. There it is.

It's really not. Look up jnj on iTunes. It's free. j-a-y. No, it's a good show. Thank you. I appreciate that. I enjoy the show. At some point, we'll get you guys on there. Please iTunes. It's free. J-A-Y. No, it's a good show. Thank you. I appreciate that. I enjoy the show. At some point, we'll get you guys on there. Please do. But maybe not.

We'll see how it all goes. We'll do an episode and then delete it. Oh, God bless. That would be a big surprise. Yes, please check out our show. It's a lot of fun. It's a good show. And I do love the digression sessions.

Oh, thank you, Jay. You're good people. You too. You're funny people. You're not just using us for sex. No, I think you're both funny people. I enjoy your funny. I like your show.

I don't like where you live. Yeah. I wish you would move maybe. Do you want to start the podcast over? Because you didn't say anything about Hamden during the podcast. I did a little bit. Yeah, there was a few. Why don't you guys move to Towson or Timonium?

I can't live in those places, man. Why not, you guys move to Towson or Timonium? Because it's so... No, I think it's great. Why not, man? Why Hamden? I love Hamden. I need to be able to walk places. Yeah, I really do. Dude, you can move... I live in Anne Arundel County.

You know what I can walk to? Light rail. Right. Post office. Sushi place. Hardware store. I can also walk... Convenience store.

I can walk to all of those. Gas station. Bank. Park. Dude, I have got everything in Hamden and more. No, I don't think so. And more. I don't think so.

And my house is not going to sink into the side of a hill. Okay, okay. It's gradually sinking, Jay. All right, back off. Walk by a few houses on the way here. I got to feel there's a lot of bad foundation work in Hamden. Hey, how dare you? This house was built in like 1890 or something crazy. Yeah, exactly. It's falling over. Hey. That's just the way here. Gotta feel there's a lot of bad foundation work happening. How dare you? This house was built in like 1890 or something.

Yeah, exactly. It's falling over. That's just the ghost settling. Don't knock the ghost. Why does the ghost live in Katie Lang? The ghost pays rent, so let's not make fun. But it's in 1800s money, so it's really nice. $700

to build this house. And it only took four Chinamen. That's right. Four Chinamen, and they're all in the foundation. The immigrant blood really keeps the walls insulated. It's wonderful. All right, Jay, you're going to be October 3rd, 4th, and 3rd. 3rd, 4th, and 5th at McGuby's Show.

McGuby's. Timonia, Maryland. Featuring. I'll be featuring for Richard Lewis. Wow. I'm going to come out to one of those shows. It should be a good show. Hey, why don't we record one of those shows? I'm actually going to be doing a little recording. Oh, you're going to come out to one of those shows. It should be a good show. Why don't we record one of those shows?

I'm actually going to be doing a little recording. Oh, you're going to get that taken care of? I think so, but I think I may talk to you about that. We'll talk. We can talk. Because it is time for one of these sets to make it onto a CD. Absolutely. What's a CD?

It's a disc. You remember LaserDisc? Yeah. Okay, it's LaserDisc, but little and for sound, and you can put it in a player. LaserDisc is a thing Jesus watched movies on. That is. LaserDisc was around for about seven minutes, and then someone realized... I've watched

a total of one in my life. And someone realized this is stupid, because I thought the whole point of the 1980s was to get rid of records, and here we are using shiny records to watch movies. That was the movie commentary, however. Was it? In fact, there are some DVD commentaries that date back to the late 80s. I did not know that.

I appreciate you dropping that on us. But yeah, so I think the time has come to record. I concur. And get this thing out there to the masses so I can make more money. And by more money, I mean drink National Bow for the rest of my life. Okay, let's say. And build kidney stones by the age of 35. Mike Fonazzo and I put out a record.

And I have a record label. I heard. I have a record label. You're still receiving royalties. Literally. It's funny. I can see every time it's played on Spotify. You know how much money I get?

It's like.001. Really? Like fractions of pennies so either i either want it on itunes you can make money on itunes or a disc i don't really want to mess around like i don't know well we thought about putting it out just to basically i mean the thing was we probably knew we weren't going to make money we've broke even and we probably made some money back but it's not like i can quit my job on this but it was more like let's just get it out there.

I mean, so it's on Spotify, Amazon. And that's kind of where I am. Because I'm like, if Mike Farnasso has an album, I should have seven. Right. You know, and that's what we said. I love you, Mike Farnasso. We love that stupid genius. I love him.

Yeah. So is your fellow Jay going to be recording that show? I don't know. I got to talk to him. He just had a baby. Oh, well, fuck him. I'll record it. Selfish prick.

I held the baby today. Oh. That's a good feeling. Holding a baby is a nice feeling. For ransom. Oh, yeah. I was just like, give me the fucking mic. Just ran right out the door.

I was just like, wee, like a football. Cute little guy. Camden James. We call him KJ. His name is Camden. Camden with a K because Jason I don't know

Jason is German and yes a lot of K's in the family goodness Kaderna is German yeah

with a K yeah Camden Nazis yeah I could be Camden Kenny

but Camden after Camden Yards really yeah I thought it was that's a very popular name right now in the Baltimore area Kenny but Camden after Camden Yards really yeah I thought it was that's a very popular name right now in the Baltimore area

for Camden Yards is Camden wow but he didn't use the K cause it's his middle name well it's Stadium I think

is actually his family name is his middle name is Christopher but everyone all the men in his family for like two generations

everyone's got a K somewhere so it's a continuum of the K somewhere and you know generations, everyone's got a K somewhere. So it's a continuum of the K. K somewhere. And, you know, so like it's like K, K, K is the family lineage. That's right there. Oh, Camden.

Okay. His middle name Cal Ripken with a K. No. Any name that ends with Den. Raiden, Jaden. Oh, yeah. I'm going to let him get away with Camden simply because it's Camden Yards. That's fair.

And his wife, I guess, must be a fan or physically. Or she wasn't told that that's where it came from. I think Camden's a little different. So she was like, all right, it's kind of cute. It's good. Okay. Okay. I like that.

So congratulations, Mike. We got to have a baby sometime soon. You should. You really should. We're going to have M&T Stadium. It's going to be our baby. Just steal a baby and come on over to the podcast. That would be great.

Babies all day. That's all you got to do? Yeah. We would have shown up a lot sooner. Just abduct people. This guy steals babies all the time. All right. Jay, thank you so much.

Yeah, this is great. Thanks for having me. JNJshow.com. Don't delete it. Not going to delete it. Going to hit the space bar and hit save directly after and export to iTunes. Appreciate that. All right.

And then drop your blackout from the back. And then throw it out the goddamn window. God bless. you