The Digression Sessions - Ep. 9 Meta-Spooky w/ Jenn Tisdale!

Episode Date: October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween, Digheads!!! This episode is so funny, it's SPOOKY. Baltimore comedian Jenn Tisdale joins us to talk aboot a myriad of subjects such as awkward back rubs at horror movie conventions, the diary of Anne Frank, Tom Cruise, meta stuff, the 90s, and of course the weasel himself - Pauly Shore.  AND SO MUCH MORE SPOOKY STUFF. For everything Jenn Tisdale go to http://www.facebook.com/JennTisdaleComedyBronze EMAIL US YOUR THOUGHTS/CONCERNS - [e-mail]

Korg, you're looking good today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank, I think someone did a little homework to contradict Mike last week. I did. Who said that digression sessions can't be rhymed with anything. Yep. You're talking about me, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Got you, Mike. I appreciate that. Got you. How many hours do you devote a week trying to humiliate me? Well, I don't work on it every day. You know, some days it's just kind of when it

strikes me, maybe like 16 hours here and there. Yeah. You should probably get on a little bit more of a schedule if you want to be serious about this. All right, I'm going to write this down. Do something every day at least. Set a chewable chunk aside for this. Okay. All right. What do you think of this theme song? It's a little more hip hoppy today, huh? I guess so. I mean, I like it, but I don't know if I'd say it's more hip-hoppy. It sounds a little more...

I don't know. I don't know. Electronic music is just electronic music to me. I don't know the sub-genres. All right. Kind of like my mom can't tell the difference

between Motley Crue and Megadeth. What a bitch. What a stupid, stupid bitch. Really? Are you serious? Sorry, Mom. Miss a bitch. What a stupid, stupid bitch. Really? Are you serious? Sorry, Mom. Miss Moran, number one fan.

Shout out. You know I'm just kidding, girl. I love you. I love you. Well, Mike Moran, how are you? How the hell are you? I am well. I am very well.

I got an elliptical, so I'm feeling good. Right, right. The elliptical, that involves the arms, too. Yeah, yeah. Which are not something that I work normally. Are you working them out. Yeah, which are not something that I work normally. Are you working them out? Yeah, I am. It's hard to keep up, though.

The arms, keeping up with the legs. Sometimes I've got to go to the stationary bar. Take a little break. Yeah, it feels good. I have no chest yet. Okay. Like, nothing to work out your chest? Or you just have no chest? No, I think I was born without a chest. So I have to create my own.

Okay. And you do that by working out. We took semi-nude pictures of me today and I looked at them and I did have a little bit of a budding set of breasts. Now these are for your press photos for doing stand-up and things? Yeah.

Okay. How are you doing, Josh? I'm doing quite well. Since the last time we spoke, I turned 25. Oh, yeah. I remember that when we had that big surprise party for you two days ago. Yes. It was quite great.

My girlfriend lured me out of the house to go get dinner and then lured me back into the house. Why? Well, we were supposed to go to the bar and meet our friends after the restaurant. Right. She's like, well, can we stop home real quick? I really have to take a dump before we go to the bar. And I was like, okay.

Did not seem weird at all. I was just like, hey man, I've been there. Sometimes you gotta take a dump. You just want to be at home. Might be a big one. She's like, yeah, it's just this food and I've been drinking coffee all day. It's weird. It's like no matter what disgusting place I move into, I still prefer that toilet after a little while

to any other. Yeah. It's home. It just becomes comfortable. So, we walk in the door. I'm like, all right, come on, hurry up. Go poop. Like, I was coming inside with her.

I was like, dog out. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Wait, who let the dogs out? I was going to let the dogs out. Oh, okay. I'm willing to say it. I know I'm being recorded.

I was going to let the dogs out. So, it was you this entire time. It was me. The the dogs out. So it was you this entire time. It was me. The truth comes out. Yep. So I opened the door and then all of a sudden everybody's like, surprise! Yeah, I remember I was there. I threw streamers at you.

I wanted everyone to throw hot tamales at you, but that was vetoed due to dog concerns. I'm glad you didn't do that because that would have been more of a bitch to clean up. There had just been hot tamales all over the place. And it may have hurt. I mean, a hot tamale right on your tooth, you know?

Or my eye. Yeah. Sucked my ear. Yeah. But as soon as I opened the door, I wanted to be like, everybody, I don't know why you're here,

but Amanda has to take a shit. Like, I don't know why you're here, but if everybody could just get out for a couple seconds, like, apparently this is a big deal. That would be a nightmare

if, like if say you were the one who like you know when you get in those emergency situations oh yeah oh my god i'm going to crap in public yeah like you don't think you're gonna make it and then you come home and like you can feel things starting to loosen because your body knows and then there's a surprise party waiting for you that would be a nightmare hey like oh fuck wow wow he's excited excuse me but yeah it was uh it was quite nice i've never felt so loved in all my days really yeah it was awesome yeah it was great it was i had a great time i always have a great time with you guys we always have so much fun yeah you caught some cake off of a knife i did threw some cake in there yeah it'll be some video look for that dig heads

yep that's the name interview our fans, Jen. Digheads. I don't know if I'm supposed to talk. Yeah, that's right. You're not. You have not been introduced. Shut up. Keep eating your candy. I'm eating your candy. Yeah, that's right. It's not mine. That's true. Yeah, there's a bunch of excess candy around here. From what? From the surprise party.

I don't remember there being fun-sized baby roots. Yeah, these were everywhere. They were fun-sized babies. Do you remember that? Named Ruth. He is slightly. Rolling around. They make any party better.

It's a little blurry. Yeah. Amanda's mad, too, that there's a bunch of cake still in the house that's really good. Where is it? In the fridge. Oh, well, thank you for offering Jen and I some before the podcast. I tried. It was really good cake, too.

Yeah. Jen, after, depending how this podcast goes, you might get some cake. Maybe. These baby Ruths are fine. If we do well. If this podcast goes, you might get some cake. Maybe. These baby roots are fine. If we do well. If you do well. We've already done well. I've got to earn my cake. Yeah, strictly a merit-based cake.

That's fine. Okay. All right. But, yeah, thanks again to everybody that showed up. I think there were some dig heads in the house. I really liked your Twitter afterward. Now where's my uh surprise cleanup i was like okay where my where my supplies uh surprise cleanup crew at it is always awkward when you come over to someone's house and like

trash it with a party and it's like well see ya see you later and this was especially a mess because there's streamers everywhere yeah i put streamers like all over your fan and stuff yeah it was a really like it was a mad dash like when I got here to like get everything together yeah you guys pulled it off though it was fucking awesome yeah it was one of those things where we're like freaking out

but then we have like a half hour to spare at the end yeah even my dog had Munza had little like glow sticks on her so when I opened the door

she came she was at a rave earlier she was like oh I'm just gonna pop in for this party and then go do some ecstasy in 1997 her pupils were the size of quarters.

Last in the Chemical Brothers. It was a mess. They're still around, right? Chemical Brothers. Yeah. Crystal Method. Oh, yeah, those guys. Well, our guest, Jen Tisdale, everybody.

Jen the Tisdale Tisdale. I just clapped for myself. Let me put my wrapper down. Do you have a nickname, Jen? It's Jen. Oh, I like that. Jen, Jen Tisdale, Tisdale. I just clapped for myself. Let me put my rapper down. Do you have a nickname, Jen? It's Jen. Oh, I like that. Jen, Jen Tisdale. I already have the most common name in the world.

I doubt that. Well, my real name is Mohammed, yeah. So I changed it to Jennifer. That's good. You should write that down. Switched it up. That's good. Well, you're still a devout Muslim, I can tell.

Is Jennifer a biblical name? A lot of talk about the Bible on Digression. Really? Yeah, weirdly. I love talking about the Bible. When I get really drunk, I'm always trying to convince everybody about how much I believe in God. Let me tell you another thing. Listen, if this was a contest,

this lady right here. God's pretty cool, man. You don't even know. I'm like, listen, if there was a contest, this lady right here. God's pretty cool, man. Like, you don't even know. I'm like, listen, if there was no God, blah. And then I, like, spout off everything. Everyone's like, can we talk about Bob Dylan again? I'm like, he's awful. How do you feel about Leviticus? I concur.

Bob Dylan's awful. Leviticus? Yeah. I have no, I mean, I don't know. And I couldn't tell you. I've never read the Bible straight through. Oh, okay. I don't know if you know about this, but the Bible doesn't speak favorably about women.

Let's start from the beginning. So I tend to avoid those things where they're like, listen, did you just look at somebody? We're going to stone you. Did you know if you grab your husband's genitals to pull him out of a fight, you have to have your hand chopped off? Really? While I still have the genitals in my hand? I don't think so tough call i'd be like sure let's do it right now right now cut off both let me grab a little more yeah i think that

deuteronomy is the one that has all the neat stuff about women where like what about like if you look at a man you can get stoned to death and i'm like right yeah that's like the argument people use when discussing say homosexuality and following the bible and i'm like, yeah. That's the argument people use when discussing, say, homosexuality and following the Bible. And I'm like, well, we don't do all that stuff in the Bible. I'm still here. I would have been dead ages ago. Yeah, well, I think it is fair.

Look at a man, get stoned to death. Yeah, especially if you've got a rude look. Yeah. What is it then? Nobody wants that. Don't ruin my day. Come on. Put a burqa on. Somebody stoned that woman. Please put a burqa on. Yeah. What is it then? Nobody wants that. Don't ruin my day. Come on. Put a burka on.

Somebody stoned that woman. Please put a burka on. Your sexy hair is distracting me. Can you just cover that up? What is that, a ponytail? Jesus, you whore. And I see those slutty eyebrows you have. Cover that.

You ever see that, though? Like, the burkas, like, the full-on burkas that look like ninja suits, basically, and they have the mesh fronts. Oh, yeah. They can't even show the eyes. Yeah, those and i always see them with like little kids too i wonder what their kids think it's always cute when i wait on them that's really on them on those people they let them in the restaurant you guys have some loosey-goosey rules there yeah loosey

do not approve do not approve i feel like in the summertime, if any, it's hot. It's got to be so... That's what I think about. I'm just like, that's got to be horrible. I get hot in a sundress. That's it. You think they go in the buff? Yeah.

Wouldn't you? Yeah. Muhammad created me this way. Do you think there's any hot Marilyn Monroe-esque scenes where it flies up? Not even that high. She's got another one underneath. Oh, you with the trickery it's the one that just goes up a little bit higher

you got me or maybe like part of her eyes exposed that's really sexy that would be their version of Marilyn Monroe where it blows up just a little and you get one lock of hair and then she gets stoned to death obviously too bad man she was fucking hot but we gotta kill her

it seems weird that they would let the eyes pass I mean that's a pretty like sexual I know but like women's eyes are like pretty like you know she's got to see i guess they were like all right she does not get her some sunglasses just be like that's what they should do new rule people in burka with sunglasses like the hollywood look yeah i remember waiting on a woman with a burka and glasses beneath the burka that was really creepy right oh not even like it would be great if they were like on top like in halloween when michael myers stabs the boy when he shows back up in the ghost sorry i'm comparing a burka to a ghost outfit to a sheet i started it sorry beetlejuice but um and he has the glasses on over it.

Yeah, great scene. And then that girl shows her breasts. PJ Soles, I think. PJ Soles, yeah. She was in Carrie. Yeah, she was in Carrie. She was in Carrie. Yeah, good movie.

All right, you guys are talking a lot about Halloween movies. What is it? What's with this? What's going on here? Something's in the air. Yep. Oh, no. AM lot about Halloween movies. What is it? What's with this? What's going on here? Something's in the air. Yep. Oh, no. AMC's Halloween Fest.

Oh, that's what it is. I went to a horror film convention, and then everyone just turned off your podcast. They're like, oh, sorry, I just lost your audio. I didn't realize we were listening to the Nerdist. I went to a horror film convention that I go to twice a a year here in Maryland at the Hunt Valley Marriott. Scary place. John Carpenter was there. It was really last time.

It was a big hollow. That was the big. He was the big guest. And his Q&A was amazing. Every question he answered with. Well, if they were handing me a check. Right. I'll do it.

Right. Like I felt like all the nerdy kids were so disappointed. Right. It was just like it was really for the money. I think like Halloween. It's kids were so disappointed by that. It was just like, it was really for the money. I think Halloween, it's one of those happy accidents. It turned out to be this great artsy kind of. It did. I watched a two-hour special.

But it doesn't really seem like they tried to do that necessarily. It just kind of turned out that way. It was a $325,000 budget that has since grossed $50 million. I personally like the one where there's druids. Is that the season of the witch, the third one? No, no, no. You're welcome. I personally like the one where there's druids. Is that the season of the witch? No, no, no. I believe this was six. There's like druids

and this whole cult is controlling Michael Myers. Really? Yeah. You know how those franchises got really bizarre around the late 90s or so? Everything became funny. Yeah. Well, this had druids and this big conspiracy and Michael Myers

was like this, he was controlled by the druids and had something to do with a pagan sacrifice. Right, right. Of course, of course. Back to God.

Full circle. Well, the only Halloween movie, I think I've seen most of the first one, but I saw Halloween H20. Oh, with Jamie Lee Curtis again and Josh Hartnett.

He who can't tame his own cowlick. I know. I'm like, just wet it. Just wet it. Doesn't it make you want to tame it, though? That's how they sucked me in. You cannot tame his cowlick. Many ladies have tried.

And they've all fallen by the wayside. Wayside. What is the wayside? You know, it's to the side of the way. You know. Okay. Moving along. It's like a fastball.

That's a deep cut. Sorry, I only went in the 90s. Okay, now it makes sense. That was a deep cut. That was a painful deep cut. Mic on. There it is. Uh-oh.

Technical difficulties. Yes, I saw Fastball at the HF Festival. I used to intern there when I was in high school. At Fastball or the HF Festival? At Fastball. It was a short internship, clearly. They got their first hit. You're like,

I'm going to be working here forever. These guys are going far. What? Dropped already? But didn't they have a strong cult following? Like, weren't they kind of a critics band? Are you thinking of Harvey Danger? Yeah.

Is anyone thinking of Harvey Danger anywhere? Show of hands. Zero. Now let's discuss the story behind the fastball song. They sang the one about that couple, right? That dies or something or disappears. All I'm thinking is of that song, The Way. If they had another song.

Isn't that The Way? Isn't that their song? Maybe. Where were they going? Where were they going without ever knowing The Way? That was their song, right? It was about a real life elderly couple that just disappeared with their car one day. It was in the papers and stuff.

Really? And it later turned out they like went over a cliff. They were like really demented. Thelma and Louise? Yeah, kind of. They were just like old and demented and their family was really worried about them and they just disappeared one day and their car was gone. And they were found at the bottom of a cliff. Right.

So they weren't just at the grocery store for a few days. No. Confused. Well, maybe. They weren't just upstairs the whole time, but nobody ever went up there. They're like, what's upstairs? Nothing. No, they can't be there. That's depressing.

I don't like it when, don't tell me what these things seem. It's like when I found out, and I clearly only ever talk about the 90s, when I found out what that Toadie song, Possum Kingdom, was about, everyone was like, it's about vampires. And it was like about some town in Texas. And I was like, oh. Really? Yeah. I always thought it was a some town in Texas. And I was like, oh. Really? Yeah.

I always thought it was a rape kind of song. Of course you did. I remember. Just like Who Let the Dogs Out and Flagpole Sitter. And all the songs in Wizard of Oz, rape. All rape. All rape. House fell on your sister.

Come on, that's code for backdoor. Well, what's the one song that's popular now by Foster the People? What's it called? Run From My Gun? Yeah. Really? I know nothing about pop culture currently ever, except for that song that I heard once. And people keep mentioning it, and I know about it.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure it's about Columbine actually. Oh, for God's sake. Really? Yeah. Well, that's the whole thing. It's like you better run, outrun my bullet. I thought that was Pearl Jam's Jeremy. That was a precursor. That's the prequel. Those guys love that album.

You know, he shot himself not his classmates. There's confusion about that in the video. I know. They were covered in blood. Right. But it was his blood. I remember thinking that he shot his classmates. Yeah, they were all like... But then I saw the deleted scene in which he actually puts a gun in his mouth.

Oh, you got the Blu-ray? Yeah. Nice. Extra footage. Director's commentary. Very cool. Yeah, it's just Eddie Vedder. In this scene.

I don't think Eddie Vedder directed the Jeremy video. Oh, and there's another version of the Jeremy video, too, that they shot. What? It's completely different. This is the 90s cast. I'm liking this. I'm liking this. Don't apologize.

I can't help it. I mean, typically, usually that's not my favorite decade, but I've been feeling really nostalgic for my youth lately. Really? It was 90s primetime, gen time? Mm-hmm. No, well, I wouldn't say primetime. I was in high school then, So it was clearly painful and terrifying

But I watched a lot of TV And listened to the radio Then I was working at HFS That was when I hit my peak And then it was sadly downhill from there But those were good times Are you from here? Are you guys both from born and raised?

I grew up in Virginia until I was 14 But you got HFS there No, not down where I was. Not down there. We weren't talking about Northern Virginia here. We're talking about Virginia. Oh, there's another part. I forgot about that.

People from Northern Virginia are very adamant about the fact that they're from Northern Virginia. Because they don't want to be associated with the Confederate Army 200 years after the fact. I get it. Right. I get it. I don't think it's been 200 years quite yet.

Almost. I heard how West Virginia was in the North. I get it. Right. I get it. I don't think it's been 200 years quite yet. Almost. I worked how West Virginia was in the morning. 150. Yeah. I worked with a guy who bragged about the fact that he was from the southernmost tip of Maryland. From the southernmost tip. That's not like it's like, what is it, like Cape Horn or whatever.

It's like in South Africa. I'm like, that's not like that. Like somebody, people have been circling it and that was a big deal. Right. I guess he's just trying to brag about those southern roots, you know? I'm so far south.

I'm almost in Virginia, I guess. Duh. Where'd you work with this guy? Paper Moon. Oh, yeah? Who was it? I love that place.

Chris. That's where I worked. You worked there? Josh worked there at one point. Yeah. Still works there as well. Why haven't, what have I,

where have you, hey, when is it going to be 24 hours again? I don't know. Oh, maybe someday. The question on everyone's mind. Why don't you write that on a comment card? That was the most depressing thing ever. Wow, you had a pretty good life.

And I'm including things like natural disasters and 9-11 and things of that nature. Right. HFS going Spanish. That was the craziest thing. I didn't. Were you there for that? no I was living in Los Angeles I only worked there I don't know if you remember there was a guy who was on the morning show for like a year

briefly his name was Lou Brutus I was his intern I was Lou's intern and after I left my mom called me one day I was living in LA she goes turn on the radio today on HFS it was Spanish and I said that's how it works radio is so crazy like one day. I was living in LA. She goes, turn on the radio today on HFS. It was Spanish.

And I said, that's how it works. Radio is so crazy. Like one day you're like, listen to your favorite music. The next day, you are in another country. I remember I was like living with hipsters at the time. They were like, it's way better now. I like this a lot. And I had to be like, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Did they all go over to R&R after that?

Yeah. Or WTMD, Towson Station? Oh, yeah. Yeah, everybody loves. Which means... Do they all go over to R&R after that? Yeah. Or WTMD, Towson Station? Oh, yeah. Yeah, everybody loves WTMD. That's cooler than me. I don't think they play that much good stuff, to be honest. I listen to it sometimes, and it's just like very weird, deep cuts of stuff. They're like, that was a blues funk explosion.

Like, eh, I can do without that. Is the neo-folk thing still going on? Like the bluegrass? Sort of. That was really popular there with the hipsters for a few years. Yeah, well, they're all listening to Nueve Nueve Punto Uno now. I'm pretty sure that's 99. Well, it's back.

Remember, it's 97.5, so now they can. Which drives me nuts. I'm glad you brought that up. They're like, guess what, everybody? We're back. It's like, great. You play the same shit everybody else does. The reason people liked you in the first place is because you played new music.

It's true. We've all heard that Bush song a lot of fucking times. We can do without it. Thanks. I loved Bush, at the risk of sounding like a bad man. There's chemicals between us. We would all let Gavin Rossdale come in our hair. Sure.

But guess what? Again. Yes. Yes. For the third time today i'd let him but all these people are making new music it's not like music stopped at 1995 it did for me apparently yeah i really i don't know like any i have very few bands that i'm into from the last decade mainly out of laziness i don't want to take the time to get it's really hard work it's really annoying it's also overwhelming I get like like crushingly overwhelmed by it's an investment right I like to listen to music to like a rock out to it to sing along to get down and when you give me something new it's gonna take a few listens and that's even if I like it that much so yeah also it's depressing

if you have no chance ever of seeing this band in concert or anywhere at a show you're like what am I doing here? Is this just going to be my iPod forever? That's depressing. Yeah, but still, 97.5. 97.5. It doesn't roll off the tongue as easily, does it? 97.5.

It just took me an hour to get that out. I'm already tired. Yeah. No. It's just annoying. Like, 98 Rock and DC 101 have the alternative market cornered, as in they play alternative from 1994. I will say this.

I also interned at 98 Rock, and I love the people there, but they have the worst playlist. If you said to me, you know what hell is like? It's a 98 Rock playlist. I would go, I think that's the case. Yeah, I'd say so.

I think it mostly sucks. It's all man rock. Yeah, but I guess I like some man rock. Do you? Are you like Nickelback? No, fuck no. Are you sure? Come on. Sure the Nickelback tattoo. So I shouldn't. I invited them over, so let me

give them a call. Don't come, you guys. Turns out not fans. I was wrong. I guess he should have seen this coming. Or wait, what are the lyrics to the one song? It's not like you to say sorry. It's not like the Gresham session to say sorry.

Zum, zum, zum. Can-am, Canadian. How do they have any problems up there? I'm like, don't you guys have universal free healthcare? What are you pitching about? I do appreciate, though, that the lead singer's not attractive at all. That always gives me hope.

Chad Kroger, is that his name? Oh my God, how did I know that? When famous people are less good looking than I expect them to be, then it's like, I can be famous too. Well, funny you say that. And that we were talking about the HF Festival. A friend of mine in high school,

he was going to dread his hair up and it's pretty long. Was he from Annapolis, Maryland by any chance? Eastern Shore. Rudy? Close enough. Yeah, very close. Did he love reggae but come from a wealthy family? up and it's pretty long and was he from annapolis maryland by any chance eastern shore rudy rudy close enough yeah close enough did he love reggae but come from a wealthy family he didn't he didn't love reggae actually he's a big big uh jimmy's chicken shack fan so jimmy's chicken shack influence with the dreads you know what's bad i don't want to make myself sound like a whore but

i feel like any band you talk about today i could tell you some terrible story about how i may or may not have made outer slip with that guy wow right. Let's go down the line here. They're all bad bands. Okay. They're all bad. I dated for a long time a guy that was in this band called the Bloodhound Gang. They were awful. The Discovery Channel band? Yeah.

I like the Bloodhound Gang. Which guy? What's his name? He's really unattractive. His band's name, because they all had little names, was Lupus. Right away. What did he play? Guitar. Uh-huh.

Okay. He was chubby. I wish I would have known this before you were on the podcast. Yeah, really. I wish I introduced you properly. Oh, with the... The chick that dated Lupus. Chintas down the house.

Yeah. What else have you done since? Nothing. It's been downhill. When I saw Adler's App appetite the uh they had the guy from enough's enough and they introduced him as had sex with madonna oh that's awesome yeah that was the intro he probably has herpes everybody stand clear one of the other guys uh his intro was was uh he he was he auditioned for marilyn manson awesome. He wasn't dark enough.

He was pretty dark. He was cutting himself on stage. Not enough. You've got to get those emotions out. Come on. Some people cry, some people cut themselves. But my friend,

he bleached his hair and when he had it in dreads, it might not have been in dreads, but anyway, at the festival, people thought he was Chad Kroger and he was signing autographs. Really? That's awesome then he must have been very unattractive well that's the thing later that year in alternative press magazine chad kroger was voted the ugliest rocker of 2002 or whatever it was oh my god yeah i hope he framed that you're not your friend but chad

kroger wouldn't you have i'm the ugliest rocker. It's only uphill from here. I don't have to worry about aging gracefully. I'm just aging. At least he was number one. Yeah, you're the best at something. It's being ugly. Who else was on the list?

My list or your list? No. Oh, people I've slept with? My list and your list might be the same. Oh, let's see. God, I love Nikki Sixx. When you reference Motley Crue, are you really a fan? Because I've read The Dirt and Nikki Sixx's.

And I've read Vince Neal's autobiography. I'm not really a fan. I don't really like their music. They have a few things here and there, but I'm a fan of like... Shout at the Devil. No, I'm a fan of like shout at the devil no i'm a fan of like autobiographies of yeah well it's great because it's like we did some heroin we did some heroin we did some heroin we had a show we did some heroin we did some heroin i was in the hospital i did heroin at the hospital we did some more and i'm like jesus how are you alive it was really that depressing i feel like the guys at motley

crew all look really good for being 50, except for Vince Neal looks absolutely horrible. He looks terrifying. He looks terrible since he was like 30. Tommy Lee's starting to turn too, though. Is he? Yeah. And that one guitar player, Mick, has always looked like... Well, he has a lot of physical problems, like a lot of really terrible physical ailments. He's probably

aging via pain. But they still look like rock stars, except they have this big, fat, drunk lead singer with bleach blonde hair. Axl Rose? Oh, no. He aged well. He looks good. Those braids are cute. He looks like Medusa's brother, except

when you look in his eyes, you turn into a pound cake. You know, he now sings for a Guns N' Roses cover band. What? He now sings for a Guns N' Roses cover band. I hope that's true. Buckethead's guitar player. Buckethead left like eight years ago. I saw them though and they had Robin Fink from Nine Inch Nails and immediately they rocked.

But isn't Nine Inch Nails only Trent Reznor? Nine Inch Nails is two distinct entities, I believe, in the studio. I learned that once. In the studio, I believe it's pretty much just Trent Reznor. But then when they tour, they have a rotating band. It has some members that come back. He's like 300 years old now. It's weird to think.

Trent Reznor's old. He's in his 40s. Is he? Oh, yeah, at least. He's probably 45, 46. I mean, they've been around since like 1989. Yeah, that's weird. When he was at the Oscars, it was like, me, yeah, at least. He's probably like 45, 46. I mean, they've been around since like 1989. Yeah, that's weird. When he was at the Oscars, it was like,

me, yeah, look at him. How does he fit into that suit? They just poured him into it, basically. Have you seen him? He's looking... Well, I think he got sober and got really... Oh. You've checked him out.

I experienced him. He was looking good. Sounds like you've got quite an interest in this Trent Reznor. He's cute. He's cute, I guess. Have you talked to him? All nine inches of him. I wouldn't mind being nailed by him.

I'd fuck him like an animal. Yeah. I'd let him put his penis in my head like a hole. Yeah. His penis is probably black as your soul. Because it's big. Black penises. I thought you were saying Mike has a big soul. Are you under the impression that penises

just turn black when they get big? They hulk out? Yeah. Penises get mad. If black guys have small penises they're white and if white guys have big penises then they're black and it just so happens that a lot of black guys have big penises natural selection what is with that what is what is what is up with these big black cocks what's with all... Why is this like an episode I thought, except not the episode I'd watch. What's with all these big black cocks?

What's the deal? Yeah. Then Kramer comes crashing through. Oh, I've seen a big black cock. And then he, of course, makes some derogatory comments about it because he's a racist. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's true. That's true. Didn't they make fun of that on Curb Your Enthusiasm I never saw that but probably yeah they made fun of

my person my love Michael J. Fox but he was involved in it yeah did you see that episode when he hands him the soda yeah

that was so good it was like did you shake this up and he's just like shoots all over the place he's like Parkinson's that's funny

wow and yeah he was living in the apartment above Larry and he was just stomping around all over yeah, he was living in the apartment above Larry. And he was just stomping around all the time. Stomping around all the time. He was knocking on the door. No, it was me stomping.

I think it's Michael J. Fox. Everybody. He's just standing next to it. Flexic capacitor. That's my favorite movie of all time. The first two, not the third. Flexic capacitor. Back to the future.

Really? I remember three being better than two. You've obviously lost your mind. Maybe you should revisit. Jen, put the knife down. Come two. You've obviously lost your mind. Maybe you should revisit. Jen, put the knife down. Come on, chill out. It's Halloween, sorry. I don't care if it's retractable.

I thought critically everybody likes part one but not two and three. I would say, well, of course, part one's the best but out of the next two, the second one is the best

and then the third one was just awful and set in the old west. Yeah, that's awesome. The Old West. It was terrifying. Why the Old West? I don't know. That's the argument with any time

traveling film. You could go anywhere and they always go to the worst place ever. Except for... What was the film? Which was a book. The Time Machine Yes Diary of Anne Frank

H.G. Wells Actually now it would be the blog The blog The blog of Anne Frank The blog of Anne The live Twitter feed The live Twitter feed

of Anne Frank So hungry LOL Hashtag Hashtag Don't tell anyone about this Nazis are coming in frowny face

Wish that fat guy would show some cake Hashtag Don't tell tell anyone about this. Nazis are coming in. Frowny face. Wish that fat guy would show some cake. Hashtag. Don't tell the Nazis. Just lost my virginity. Smiles. Did you know they took out parts of her diary? Yeah, where she talks shit about her mom and stuff. She talks about her vagina, too.

Does she really? What does she say? She just describes it in detail. Really? Yeah. In what context? My vagina. It was the first vagina monologue.

Some kid here said he wants to hide. Hide in my vagina. No, she didn't say that. But no, he actually, she just describes. I don't know. Why? Well, I think she was like 12. What else are you going to do up there?

I mean, come on, she was in an attic for life. Yeah, when I get bored, I usually start writing about my genitals. Well, I think she was 12, coming into her own as a lady. Right. Probably looking at some boys, you know. Just the one. Yeah. Probably looking at some bad boy. You know.

I don't remember anything about it. It's been years. I mean, I know kind of what happened, of course. Right. How long were they up there? Was it a long time? It was like a year or so, right? A year and a half? I feel happened, of course, but. Right. How long were they up there? Was it a long time? It was like a year or so, right? A year and a half? I feel like it was years, but maybe not.

It was, yeah, it was a while. I wouldn't read her diary. Some people say she never existed. Oh, that's a good one. I like that. You have to unlock it first. You have to actually break into it. That's how they sell the book.

They don't give you a key, but you have to break into it forcefully, like you're someone's little brother. Yeah, there's unicorn stickers and stuff on there like it's in a traffic do not open yeah keep out sticker or else no boys allowed oh except that so let's hear more about anne frank's vagina oh whoops sorry we strayed well it's jewish uh-huh so it's so it's chosen probably kind of, it's Jewish. So it's chosen. It's probably kind of tight. It's the chosen vagina. Kosher.

Right. Probably a lawyer. Really good. Really good with money. Sure. This is awful. I am not. Yeah, we can cut this part.

This sounds, I feel so terrible all of a sudden. Oh, really? Is anyone here Jewish so we can at least say somebody? I'm Jewish.

Wink. The step side of my family is. Don't worry. All our listeners are SOBs. They won't know. Obviously, we really aren't anti-Semites. Why would talking about Anne Frank's vagina all of a sudden make us anti-Semites? Well, the jokes we were making about her vagina were like...

Well, look, she was... Right, yeah. Look, her vagina... I feel like that's fair game, though. I think the Jews are usually pretty cool. Like, I was watching the best of Mike Myers today. Not the Halloween retrospective, but... 17 hours of him stabbing, like, extras.

Here's Mike doing what he does best. Slowly walking and then stabbing somebody. He's a talker. And they're doing like coffee talk and it's like the most blatant Jewish stereotypes you could ever imagine.

The peanut is neither a peanut nor a nut. Disgust. Yeah, Mike Myers did some pretty good stereotypes of Asian people as well. Yeah.

You've seen like the game show. Yeah, that was on there too with Chris Farley. That one's hilarious. Yeah. Where he's just like hot-a-ta-ta.

Oh, hot-a-ta-ta. See, they're okay. So you're right so you're right you're right I was actually just speaking Chinese you can make Jews listening

you can make fun of white people I always feel bad that we don't have a solid name like like Cracker's the name

but that's not even that's just like that doesn't hurt me that'll never hurt me at all let's come up with something like that's actually got

some oomph behind it because Cracker's a delicious food that I like to eat with cheese. There's lots of varieties of crackers. Yeah. Not today, though. No? Well, she turned down the cheesy crackers, didn't she?

Sorry. Oh, she did. Not a fan of the Ritz. Not today. She said, don't Jews eat Ritz crackers? No, thanks. I remember you said that, Chad. Wait, give me a minute.

I'm going to urinate on those crackers. Don't those crackers have horns? No? Oh. No, just. I remember you said that, Chad. Wait, give me a minute. I'm going to urinate on those crackers. Don't those crackers have horns? No? Oh. No, just kidding. Oh. No, that's cool.

My dad, my stepdad has horns. It's cool, guys. Don't worry about it. Is your stepdad Jewish? My ex-boyfriend's Jewish. Well, he's an atheist now, like most Jews, I think. Mm-hmm. Right. That is true.

Jews and Catholics. Yeah. Yeah. He's a good dude, though. You're not an atheist, though. No. Jews and Catholics. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good dude, though. You're not an atheist, though. No. No? No.

I am an agnostic. I thought you just said you talked about how wonderful God was. Well, I can talk about God all I want, but I will admit that I don't know anything for sure. So I guess technically, if you want to be technical, everyone who believes in God is an agnostic because nobody knows for sure. No way. They think they know for sure what's up. They'll speak about it. I saw that MTV True Life.

You think you know God, but you have no idea. I used to be a religious girl. Really? Followed by I used to be a fat chick. No. Oh. That is actually a TV show on MTV. I don't know how I know that.

I used to be a fat chick. I used to be fat. That's usually girls, but I used to be a fat chick i used to be fat that's usually girls but right i used to be fat it's very depressing and they're always like i feel i get angry when i watch the show because like most of them are like these like obviously they've been like overloved and overfed by their family it's how they got that clearly there was this one episode where the the girl's mother would like drive her we would drive her to mcdonald's all the time and the personal trainer was like she's mcdonald's all the time yes so how does she get there and the mom's like

i drive her sorry sorry that's a good mom by the way that was all me i take her and he's like why can't you say no she hates when i say no and i'm like what's happening why is this woman not my mother instead of mcdonald's i would be asking for daily. And why does she have a personal trainer, though? How old is this kid? Because that's what they do. They bring the personal trainer in. That's what the show does. And then this particular girl was such a complainer.

I'm going to die. And I was like, I don't think MTV would air this episode. But if they did, I'd have more respect for them. Sorry. Graphic images are going to occur in this episode when she dies on the treadmill. Yeah, comedian Joe DeRosa has a joke about that, how all reality shows, they always do the cliffhangers. You know, kitchen nightmares.

Like, I'll fucking kill you! As soon as we come back from commercial, it's like, no, you won't. Otherwise, we would have saw this in the paper six months ago that the guy from the kitchen show murdered somebody. I did discover... Sorry, continue. Oh, I was just going to say,

none of that shit ever happens. Right. I'll fucking kill you! But sometimes there's violence somebody you know i did discover sorry continue oh i was just gonna say none of that shit ever happens right but sometimes there's violence you know yeah but nothing as grave as they make it seem you know like we'll make this cake in 10 minutes we're dead it's like the jim jones massacre exactly it's like footage from that yeah you just see a bunch of bodies on the floor and icing on the ceiling. I did discover a really creepy video of the dating game from the 70s with a man who was on it right in the midst of his murder spree. Yeah, he was on the dating game. Oh, my God. Is that how he met his next victim?

I don't know. What balls? Yeah, that would have been way more cool if that had happened. But no, he didn't kill her. But he did win. Yeah, I bet he was confident as hell. Of course he was. He was probably very charming.

That's how he, like a Ted Bundy sort of, like step into my yellow Volkswagen. It was so creepy, though. I'm wearing a turtle mask. This guy, like, I mean, you know, just like the way he answered, he was just really creepy in like a charming sociopathic way. Kept doing this.

He was actually eating creepy in a charming, sociopathic way. Kept doing this. He was actually eating fingers on the studio. Not all serial killers eat their victims, Josh. I'm not sure if you're aware of that. Let me write this down. That's really kind of offensive to serial killers

that you would just assume that about them. Oh, serial killer. My mom was a serial killer. I like that you have... It's okay. I know some serial killers so we can say whatever

we want about them. There's at least one of us a serial killer here so we can say... The step side of my family is full of serial killers. It's okay, I know some serial killers. We can say whatever we want about them. There's at least one of us serial killers here. This step side of my family is full of serial killers. Oh, and juice? Coincidence. Right? Making a killing in Wall Street. Am I right?

Am I right, ladies? Where's our sound effects, by the way? Because we've been so... It's been so fascinating that we completely forgot that he doesn't need sound effects to make this a better show today. Right. How about that? Sorry, former guests.

Yeah, suck it. Oh, Jen, by the way, you are our first female guest. Am I? Yep. How do you feel about that? Are you guys going to rape me? With humor? Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Not the old humor rape. It'll be fun. Really? I'm excited. I'm glad. I have a really deep voice,

so I'm glad that we pointed out my name and my gender at some point because... Do people ever mistake you for a male? Armando Tisdale. John Furr. J. J.T. No, they don't but like

I mean when I hear myself because you know when I do stand up first of all I can't watch a video and you're probably the same way I was

now I'm just completely obsessed with listening and seeing myself that's all you watch you just you invite people over and you've just got

your own videos running all the time they're like can I watch something else and you're like no oh look what's on it's me

yeah let's watch something else and you put in a different show sure let's watch this show. It's a DVD of you watching you. Like, ooh, this is good.

Wow, this is some Inception type shit right here. This is meta humor. Let's sit on the commentary. I hate that. What's this whole meta thing? A lot of people keep saying the word meta. Meta is a word that's happening. You're the first person that I've mentioned to

that's noticed that as well, by the way. It's weird. What about wheelhouse? I kind of don't even know, but I don't even understand well, by the way. It's weird. What about Wheelhouse? I kind of don't even know, but I don't even understand. I understand. It's kind of in my wheelhouse. That's in my wheelhouse. Yeah.

Yeah. I picked that up from Adam Carolla. It's really kind of meta, but it's in my wheelhouse. So meta is like a sort of like, and I could to be sort of artsy. It's like it would be like an M.C. Escher drawing would be like meta, like things inside things inside things like a reference inside a reference inside a reference or something. Is that what meta is? Or's like a russian wooden doll where i open it up and there's a smaller more clever reference inside right yeah i think so i

mean is that what is meta exactly this concept can someone i don't really know can we phone a friend a hipster i think i know one hipster our hipsters talking i mean you guys where you live and where i live there's got to be one somewhere. Throw a rock. Yeah. And you'll hopefully hit it. I mean, there's one. Is Paul home? You think Paul's a hipster? I don't think so.

Yeah. Do you know Justin Cusone? He's kind of like an old hipster. Do you know Justin? No, I don't think so. He's a comic. He used the word meta recently, so maybe I'll get back to him and go,

I'm sorry, I don't know what that means. Meta militia? Metaphysical? So militia just talks about militia. Well, yeah, I think it does come from metaphysical metaphor or maybe but it's latin so i think it literally must mean something well if we looked up meta means the like uh reality right like what is real the study of metaphysics is like the study of what is real okay all right are you certain not what is real what is not like when it's

metaphysical it's like not real right uh no if real? When it's metaphysical, it's not real, right? No. If I keep saying the word metaphysical, I suddenly it's not a real world. I'm like, that's not a real world. Let's move on. I'm freaking out. I think I might be on acid. I don't know what's going on. Computer catches fire.

I'm pretty sure meta means something that references the fact that it is an art. It's like breaking the fourth wall, kind of. Like Wes Craven's New's new nightmare oh oh that's better because that was the worst and nightmare on street's my favorite horror because i'm huge what about nightmare on street three that's the best one uh four is my favorite four that was stupid and i have a oh mike i have a framed don't punch her original poster of that in my apartment how about now really don't frame the original poster of that film my apartment. How about now? Really? The framed original poster of that film.

I do remember that being the first Nightmare on Elm Street that I was aware of and that I saw posters for and stuff and it scared me. It's a good one. Yeah, it's like right over my TV

so people come over and they are terrified about you. So you're a huge horror geek then. What's your favorite of all time? Nightmare? Nightmare on Elm Street.

The original. What did you think about Freddy vs. Jason? It was horrendous. I thought it was awesome. It was terrible because at some point and we sort of referenced this earlier

Freddy Krueger became this weird joke telling machine. He was no longer scary. Although I will say that my favorite line in Freddy vs. Jason is when Kelly Rowland, former member of Destiny's Child is murdered and she looks at him and says i'm not afraid of no one wearing no faggoty ass christmas sweater and i'm like finally we're gonna acknowledge the fact that he's wearing a red and green sweater and that he's a homosexual and he's got an ass that is gay i'm like faggoty ass christmas sweater like it took us 30 years for someone to go

it's not Christmas. It's weird that you have this choice. That's one thing Beyonce cannot take away from Kelly Rowland. Kelly Rowland took Freddy Krueger down. No, he killed her. No, you're both wrong. Jason killed her. Oh, Jason ended up killing her? I saw that in theaters when it came out.

It was awesome. I mean, it was stupid, but it was like, it knew it was stupid and it was super fun. Do you want to know something fun? My ex-boyfriend, who might not be my ex-boyfriend right now, his brother wrote and directed Friday the 13th Part 9, Jason Goes to Hell. Really? His brother?

His name's Adam Marcus. I think I listened to the commentary on that like years ago. Did you see that on the- Really? Oh, did you? Then that's probably Adam. He has like a high-pitched voice kind of.

He might. I remember there being like a really like high... There's two guys. He probably does. It's probably Sean Cunningham and Adam. Right.

That's his brother. It's actually the least... Yeah, my least favorite one because in that one the soul of Jason sort of possesses people. That's the most bizarre... And so it's those people

killing people so it doesn't feel like a Friday the 13th people. That's the most bizarre. And so it's those people killing people so it doesn't feel like a Friday the 13th film. They completely changed the character. And his other brother is a star in the film so it's a very bizarre thing.

Really? Yeah. He was on the reboot of Leave it to Beaver. Thanks. Not everyone. There's a reboot of Leave it to Beaver.

It was like in the 90s. How do you know all these famous people? I know their brother. I mean I know them because he was my boyfriend. Right. I'm just a charming girl. Well, one time I met

the lead singer of Power Man 5000. So take that. Spider? Rob Zombie's brother. See? Brothers. Is he just as short as Rob Zombie, who I think in real life is like three inches tall? I don't remember. I was like 18. Speaking of

more horror, more reboots. Well, I met Buster from Arrested Development. Oh. As in the group? Yeah. He still has it. Yeah.

He made that joke on a past podcast. My mom's calling. Let's put her on. She's a funny on. Ignore. Is she calling? Let's put her on. Nah. Put her on speaker.

She's a funny lady, but no. All right. Give her our information. We'd like to get her as a guest. Yeah, she can be the second woman. I wish I had a sister so you guys could complete the trifecta. That'd be nice. That'd be nice.

So you guys are big horror fans, huh? Yeah. I am. Kind of. Guilty pleasure type of thing. I can only watch really good stuff these days. I was definitely into it as a kid. But when they come out with sequels or remakes of series that I loved as a child, I had to see them. Did you see Fright Night?

So the nostalgia kind of gets you. What's up, Paul? Yeah, I don't know what it is. Sorry, Paul's walking in. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. What do you think about the word meta scream it all right all right yes there you go that's what it must mean yeah we were we were it was this boston thing we were mispronouncing right we were getting too

meta about meta meta yeah you know what i mean this podcast i'm really deep into it now you guys we just got really meta here on the Meta Podcast. We're just going to Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich this. Meta, meta, meta. That there is the holy grail. Being John Malkovich? Microphone problems. Meta media or media.

Yeah, that's meta. Being John Malkovich is meta. That is the epitome of meta. Doesn't he eventually go into his own head? I can't remember. The liberal media? I don't remember the liberal the liberal he eventually crawled into the hole and was like then like meta meta in his own head haven't you seen being john mackovich i saw it like when he came out like a decade ago i don't remember yeah i thought the ending was fucking awesome when charlie sheen was in it and he's

playing charlie sheen but he's another guy that's been around i don't remember that yeah they were like friends yeah yeah but it turns out he was one of those people too that lives forever. They all crawl into his head and then eventually he's reborn and the baby and his girlfriend. You're talking about Jason goes to hell. Spoiler alert. Sorry.

Spoiler alert. I'm John Malkovich. Wow. What's that movie where he tried to kill the president who John Malkovich oh yeah

or Malkovich there's an awesome line in that where Clint Eastwood because he is the secret service for the president John Malkovich is trying to kill him

and then Clint Eastwood is on the phone with him because John Malkovich's character keeps trying to fuck with him and Clint Eastwood's like you're gonna suck my ass there's something really something something really inappropriate you're going to suck my ass something really inappropriate i'll put it at the

end of the podcast what is that movie called i can't remember i can't remember it oh fuck i can't either is this the one where he was where clint eastwood was retired or he had messed up in some way he was with Kennedy. They showed a picture of Kennedy with his face. It's that movie where Clint Eastwood is that old curmudgeonly guy. Yeah. Oh, shoot. It's that one movie.

He squints a lot and may or may not wield a gun at some point. That's that movie. He's really gruff and doesn't play by the rules. But at heart, he's good. Right. He fights for what's right. So just in Madison County. Yeah. Nailed it. he fights for what's right. Bridges of Madison County. Yeah.

Nailed it. That is exactly what it is. That was like one of, like, whatever this movie is called. Who's the chick in that movie, Glenn Close? No,

Meryl Streep. But they look like I often confuse them. You're gonna suck my ass, Meryl Streep. Beck Midler. Bridges of Madison County. Speaking of Glenn Close,

That was a Glenn Close one. Fatal Attraction. Never seen it. You've never seen it? I haven't either. You've never seen Fatal Attraction. Never seen it. You've never seen it? I haven't either. You've never seen Fatal Attraction? Well, if you ever want to cheat on somebody, see Fatal Attraction.

Let me write this down. So that you will not do it. Oh, never mind. I'm not going to write this down. I mean, she goes crazy. Right, yeah. And then he knocks her up, and there's this great scene,

and I'm glad that your name is Michael because he's basically saying, we probably shouldn't have this baby. And at one point she goes, I won't be ignored, Michael! And I'm like, I say that all the time. Weren't they in their 50s when that was made? Probably. I feel like Mike Douglas has

always been in his 50s. He's just one of those people that was born old. Was never young. Like Philip Seymour Hoffman. He was in Twister. He was. Remember that? Twister. He looked like Meatloafour Hoffman. He was in Twister. He was. Remember that? Twister. He looked like Meatloaf.

The movie version of the game Twister. Yeah. I said right foot red. It's like a very. It's coming right for us. Okay. What else is going on? What are you doing for Halloween, Jen?

Let's tease that. Take a break. Thank you. All right, we're back. Oh. Sorry to interrupt you, Minchin. Next time I'll go somewhere. Let's take another break.

We can be official. For Halloween, I have a show. A comedy show. Oh, you do comedy. I think we've been doing this podcast for a half hour and I don't think we've mentioned that yet. I really love horror movies, so I feel like I could talk about that forever. I'm glad you're a guest,

because this will come out on Halloween as well. This is serendipitous. Like that movie, Serendipity. It's much easier to say lucky or fortunate. Fortuitous. Coincidence. It really does kind of matter.

Isn't it a coincidence, don't you think? Sure is. None of that's ironic. Credits. Oh, I thought that was the movie. Like meeting the man of my dreams when all you need is a knife. Alanis, can we take that one again? I think you flubbed the line there.

I smoke cigarettes. didn't she seem like she was like bragging about she seemed like an older like kid who like thought it was cool to smoke and she's like oh you're talking about smoking cigarettes

on that album Jagged Little Pill that was totally my mom's record probably every mom of the 90s well it was also mine really I loved Jagged Little Pill

I was 15 when it came out well probably for all girls I decided that I didn't like it when I was more seven years Really? I loved Jagged Little Girl. I could see that. I was 15 when it came out. Well, probably for all girls. I decided that I didn't like it when I was more or less that age. What? I decided. Did you make firm beliefs at that age that you were staunchly opposed to certain bands for moral reasons? Sure.

Like Green Day. I decided I hated Green Day. I have fond memories of listening to Dookie. Yeah, me too. Dookie was one of the first tapes that I boycotted it. My first tape was Pearl Jam's 10. That was my first tape as well. I got Bon Jovi and stuff.

No, that was my first tape. I remember I was really excited because Eddie Vedder cussed on that tape. That was always good. When you had a good cussing tape that your friend would sneak, like the Guns N' Roses, where he yells at members of the media

that upset him and curses at them. See, I'm not a GNR fan. I think that's where you and I differ. Right. I remember the Korn record when I had that CD. I had that tape as well, too. Me, too. The first one.

Yeah, a lot of cursing in there, too. I was too old to care at that point. I have a lot of tapes from when... Did you ever record songs from the radio? Oh, yeah. And it was like this beautiful thing where you were trying to not get the commercial or the DJ or you were screaming at the DJ who was talking over the...

Trying to hit the post is what the professionals call it, hitting that post. And you're like, stop! If the song is like a bit of a music intro, they will talk. And it's a very gratifying thing Stopped. If the song is like a bit of a music intro, they will talk. Right before you talk. And it's a very gratifying thing to finish your thought right as the lyrics are starting. And that's what they call like, oh, I just hit the post.

And I'm like, you just fucked up my mixtape is what you did. They do that all the time. It's one of the douchiest things ever. It's very douchey. We already heard you talking. It's like, yeah, these guys, they'll be around next week. So I'll be giving away tickets, everybody. Love the sound of my own voice.

Pearl Jam. That's exactly what it is. And they're just... I'm like, oh, okay. What about, did you guys ever VHS movies that were on ABC or something with the commercials and everything? No, I would try to edit out the commercials. Really? You guys didn't do that? That was the best.

Oh, I would record stuff. I thought you meant purchase. What the fuck, Jen? You never did that? They included commercials and tapes they sold? That's weird. That's crazy. That's why they were free. Because they were paid for by advertising.

Yes, I would do that. I remember doing that. And then you'd like learn and it would like change all the curse words and then you'd like learn the movie that way and then you'd watch

like the real version 10 years later and it would be all wacky. I like it. Yeah, it's really fun when they're like, when it's such this awkward

like fuck funk. Yeah, yeah. It was always great like to see what they would do. Fudge or flip. I remember the Breakfast Club having a lot of flip. Flipping this, flipping that.

That'll really take away from every single one of What's-His-Face's line. Judd Nelson. You know he was 25 in that movie playing a 15-year-old? He had a gray streak in his hair. So yeah, I imagine that might have been true. I think that was just from stress and all the nightmares. Did you know that that library wasn't actually a part of a school,

that that was a set that they built? What? That was not in a school. Because what school library looks like that school's library? Did you know in the fictional John Hughes world, it's the same universe and school as Ferris Bueller? Yeah, I know. And there's hints towards that.

Don't you remember the Jay and Silent Bob where they were trying to get to Shermer, Illinois, and there's hints towards that. But don't you remember the Jay and Silent Bob where they were trying to get to Shermer, Illinois and there's no such place because they thought it was like the greatest place ever. Yeah. Because that's where

everything takes place for John Hughes was like Shermer, Illinois. Oh, here's another bit of information that I probably should have mentioned 12 minutes ago. Did you know a nightmare

in Elm Street is slightly based on a true story? Yeah. All right. Yeah, it was actually based on a good dream on Elm Street. They're like, this is missing something. Yeah. All right. Yeah, it was actually based on a good dream on Elm Street.

They're like, this is missing something. Yeah, no one cares about this really. This is too fun. This kitten and puppy's dream. Somebody just wakes up feeling refreshed. Oh, God. Oh, no. Uh-oh.

Technical difficulties. Technical. Technically, it's wrong. Okay. I think you're back. Is everyone okay? Yeah. Are we all right?

Do you know what I hate about the new Nightmare on Elm Street? The reboot, even though it was pretty good, apart from the fact that they made him this creepy child molester. I liked that fact. Of course you did. You like rape and you like that. No, I like that he was scary. He was creepy. But in the original, he was a child killer.

And in this one, he was just some creepy molester. Yeah, that's good. No. That makes it scarier. Not scary. It's like depressing. The idea that he killed all those children and everyone forgot about it. Well, maybe those kids were lame. I liked the fact that he was a dark, scary, depressing character.

They're asking for it. Good point. Maybe your kids should have been wearing those outfits. I'm just saying. Exactly. How about that? Those high skirts. And it made no sense in the old ones how he murdered children but now he murders a dog he murders teenagers that is a discrepancy i always had an issue with it's like wait a second well you know what it was it was that they were the they were the children of the people that murdered him that was how it originally started so it's not that he was still targeting children and none of these people know about this massive murder spree that took here.

Yeah. Everyone's like Freddy Krueger doesn't ring a bell. Well, they knew about it. I mean, you know, remember he was, he was arrested and then let go.

It was like on trial because of like, the kids didn't know about it though. And there's no way you'd be able to not. Yeah. Cause it seemed to be only maybe like 10 years after. I liked the way they tightened up the story in the new one, but ultimately I didn't in the new one but ultimately i didn't think the new one was very good well when i went to this same horror convention and robert england was there right and he was well let me pick up that name that you just dropped

sorry robert i don't know did you date him too i would have loved to have dated him creepily but only as freddy because i had a crush on freddy krueger when i was a kid to this day my mom's like that's really fucked up yes um but robert england said that the one thing about the new one because somebody asked had to ask a question even though he was doing a q a about another film entirely right but someone had to be like excuse me got a nightmare question i don't give a shit about what you do now he said that the unfortunate part about the new one was that and this is a weird thing to point out, that they didn't give the guy playing Freddy Krueger like a nose. They made him look like more of a real burn victim.

So that features were burned off. And it was less frightening because he had like no profile. And I was like, Hey, Robert question. Have you watched this one a couple of times? Just, you know,

move on. You're still number one in everyone's heart. Sure. You don't have to do this to yourself I got a nose he's bragging about how he's like listen

my nose is huge I'm like we got it you're good we all know a scary thing is a profile oh my god we have a profile he also has knives

on his hands nobody could fill that nose you know so you just you don't even try it big nose to fill big nose to fill so what are these

conventions like? Are there a lot of B actors signing autographs? Oh, God, I should have brought them. I will tell you who I met at the last one. Who's autographed. The actors. You can bring B horror movies. Their bodies are still.

I brought Crispin Glover with me. Is that okay? Please. I love Crispin Glover. I have all these autographed things from him. He's not been there. He's obviously above all that. He's making films starring all

kids. Do you know that this is a good piece of information. Kristen Glover made a film and every single actor in it had Down Syndrome. Willard. We've all seen it. Wasn't that his E! True Hollywood story? Yes. It was great. But anyway, the actors

and I'll save the best for last. I only got two autographs. There was a chick from True Blood there, Pam. Who cares? Okay. You don't watch that show? You don't read those books? Not a vampire fan? I don't really watch.

Look at me. I don't really watch TV. The book's way better than that. This is in NPR all the time. Yeah. And Anthony Michael Hall was there. Ooh. And I may.

What horror movie was he in? He was in The Dead Zone, that TV show based on Stephen King. See, that's bullshit when they throw in someone who's not at all known for horror, but they're just known and they put him in a horror convention.

Well, hey, he showed up, didn't he? Yeah. I may have flirted with him like it was my job. Right. I would have, too. Redrafting corny lines. I might have just dropped my panties.

Nice. The dropped panties zone. Well, there's a picture. I did think it was lame that he didn't get to hook up with anyone at the end of Breakfast Club. They could have thrown in Carl. He wrote a really great essay though. He can take that home and masturbate to that.

To his words. And loses virginity. He he got to write another essay. He was so great. And we got our pictures taken together. It's on my Facebook page. Whoa. You can look at it. And he was massaging my back the whole time.

Really? And I was like, is that Morse code for your room number? Yeah. Nice. Really? And I asked my friends, I was like, is that normal? Do guys usually do that up and down thing? And they're like, no.

And I was like, oh, he wanted me. Yeah, totally. Big time. Really? No. You could have walked I was like, oh, he wanted me. Yeah, totally. Big time. Really? No. You could have walked out. Really, guys? Where were you then? When I was trying to back and forth about whether or not I should cheat on my boyfriend

with Anthony Michael Hall. I waited on Sean Astin recently. You did? Yeah. He's adorable. I know his dad. John? Yeah.

Was Patty Duke there? Is she dead? No. That's his mother. He's remarried. Who is? John Astin? Yeah.

Maybe she's dead. No. That's his mother. He's remarried. Who is? John Astin? Yeah. Maybe she's dead. No, she's not dead. John Astin of 51st Dates fame. The Addams Family. Yes. Of the Addams Family. Well, John. John. John is from the Addams Family. Sean is from Rudy and Goonies and Lord of the Rings.

Right. 51st Dates. Is he in that? Yeah. Which date was he? Is he in that? No, Lord of the Rings. Right. 50 First Dates. 50 First Dates. Is he in that? Yeah. Which date was he? Is he in that? 47. No, he was the brother. He was the brother. He had that hilarious.

He had a lisp. Oh, yeah. It was so funny. Oh, Adam Sandler. How do you come up with these dates? Toy Soldiers. Jack and Jill. He was also in that.

Oh, Toy Soldiers. Good movie. I loved that when I was a kid. It was a good movie. Is that the one where they come alive? Prequel to Toy Soldiers. No, you're thinking of Dem when I was a kid. It was a good movie. Is that the one where they come alive? Prequel to Toy Soldiers. No, you're thinking of Demonic Toys or something. No, isn't it?

There's like a one where there's like, and it's like. Small Wars. Is it Dabney? No, I'm thinking of something else. But like The Soldier Comes Alive. It's like an 80s movie. God, what was it? Indian in the Cupboard.

No. I'll have to look this up. Or Cupboard, as I pronounced it in elementary school Indian in the cup board or red skin as you probably also pronounced it that's how we said it Native American in the cup board

and we're talking about cup boards I'm sorry this is the most racist show you've ever had not even this is actually the least racist show that we've had, believe it or not. This is quite tame.

We're actually going in a new direction. Let me pop it up a notch. Can we take a break after you're an eight? Sure. Yeah, we're going to put our white hoods on

and go pee and be right back. Oh, yeah. Thank you. All right. And we're back. Thank you. All right, and we're back. All right. How'd it go now? Sorry about that. It was pretty good.

I was worried about you. You were in there for a long time. It was gratifying. I've been drinking veggie shakes, so it makes me pee massive amounts. Yeah. What is in your veggie shake, Mike? Can you drop some science on us? Urine.

Generally. That's why he's peeing so much. Oh, I'm pissing this urine right out. Kind of. Oh, really? Did I steal it? I generally. That's why he's peeing so much. Oh, I'm pissing this urine right now. Oh, really? Did I steal one? You got a serious look at my diary. Did I steal one of your jokes? That is my joke.

Somebody already did that one, too. I have a joke about, it's on my Twitter feed. I want to do it on stage about how, like, first person who falls asleep at the slumber party, I'm going to put your hand in a warm cup of pee. It's twice the pee, you guys. Boom. gonna put your hand in a warm cup of pee let's waste the pee you guys boom i saw how many black comedians let's let's keep this racist thing going how many black comedians do you think

that do a joke about carfax and then say don't you wish you could do that at the club you could have hofax you check that thing out see what kind of accidents that vagina been in. You know what I'm saying? Well, it is very difficult also to write original stuff. I mean, I hear stuff that I write. I hear local comedians say it. Right. That we just happen to have this.

So, I mean, I doubt there's anything that I could possibly write that hasn't been taken by somebody somewhere. Right. I don't know. I have some good stuff. You might have heard of my Platinum Selling album. Maybe. Yeah, but this guy said he worked at a car dealership, so I was giving him a little more credit.

I'm like, hey, stealing cars and parking them in a garage is not a car dealership. But whatever. Bringing the racism. I love it. I love it. I love it. Also, one thing that really annoys me about black

comedians. About black people. Beyond that being... Can you call a crack house a dealership? Like you're dealing. Can you call it a house? Because it's normally not. But this is an apartment. But it's always a universal crack house.

But I'm like, this is just a one room apartment. Do you remember the onion column that was like, it's not a crack house. It's a crack home. It's like an old lady. Forever crack home. Crack home is where your heart is. But black comedians doing the white voice. So annoying.

It's always like this, like super nerdy. Like we all talk like this. Right. I'm like, well, let's not talk like that. Right. The comedian was doing the things i work at dealership you know so when white people come in and they let the kids go out crazy like well he wants to drive look at him the crowd's like oh that's so true every white person i know

talks like that i'm like no white people talk like i've never met a single white person that ever talks like that no but i think i should start just so i can be like we want to be able to make fun of jews then we really shouldn't complain on this podcast. Right, right. They're back again. They are. Hey, don't quit those Jews. They do not quit.

Do you think we could do that, though? You know, do stand up and then do the black voice and get away with it? No. No, you can't get away with it. No. No. And I sound so depressed like I'm really dying to get on stage and say a bunch of racist things. But it's just an unfortunate double standard where if I stood on stage and said any sort of like,

Why do black people? It'd be like, The black DJ would cut the record. You perform to a hip-hop beat. It's like 8 Mile. I vomited on myself before. I was like, hey guys. Mom's spaghetti.

Yeah, she makes a good meal. Well, maybe you shouldn't perform at the Apollo so much. You could probably get away with it somewhere else, maybe. Without the Sandman coming in with that huge cane that he has. I'm like, I forgot to rub

this tree stump. That's where I went wrong. Remember the Chris Rock show? It was like Nat X or something on SNL. He had the Sandman come. I don't really take off guests. The white man. Also, the guy that won the comedy competition I was at was named The Creature.

What comedy competition were you? It wasn't at the Baltimore. Magoobies. Oh, Magoobers? Magoobers, as I call it. I'm like, why haven't you changed your name? You got a whole new location. That's right.

Why did you keep it? You stuck with it. Does anybody know the story behind that? I'm pretty close to Andrew. No, but weirdly, we were talking. Do you do stand-up, too? We performed improv there, and we were asking about it. I'm getting into it.

I've done it a total of, hold on, three times. Where have you done it? In the butt. I'm just kidding. Are we talking stand-up or what? That's racist. The briefly existing Joe Squared open mic. And then Mike Fonazzo's

sidebar extravaganza I haven't been yet is it good? yeah it's cheap go to every single one yes I know him cracks himself up

douchetastic yeah read his for a really lukewarm time read his twitter page please okay

about to get mediocre do yourself a flavor play yeah it's about to get real disappointing. All right. But anyway, I don't know why I had to go on that. Now I just look like a jerk. I had to go on that tangent.

All right. You want us to say stuff so that we look just as bad? Yeah, you guys can tell me who you don't like. I don't like Hitler. What did he do to you? Good point. Exactly. Sorry, he never hurt me.

I'm not talking about Adolf. I'm talking about Peter Hitler. He knows what he did. Do you think that there were any other members of his family? Yeah, there's actually some living in upstate New York right now. You're a liar. Swear to God. Is their last name still Hitler?

No, they changed it. That's stupid. I would have kept it. To not Hitler. Yeah, parentheses not. This is have kept it. To not Hitler. Yeah, parenthesis not. This is Jim and Meredith. Jim and Meredith. You had to explain every time you met somebody. I don't support what my uncle

did. He didn't have any children, but he does have some nieces and nephews that live in New York. They try to keep it a secret. Well, not anymore. Podcast. Really? Take that. Do you know their new name and how do you know this? Do you know them? I read the book. I researched it a little bit.

Was it the Diary of Anne Frank? Was she a fortune teller? The Diarrhea of a Young Girl. Diarrhea of Anne Frank. What if they're cracking jokes up there? Like she takes a nasty shit. What is this? It's a Diarrhea of Anne Frank?

Come on. Hitler could smell it. Did it happen? The Diarrhea of Anne Frankson Beans. Wish we had some. Hitler could smell that shit from here. Come on. Hitler could smell it. The diary of Anne Franks and beans. Wish we had some. Hitler could smell that shit from here. Come on. Keep that smell down. Come on now. The diorama.

I'm recording into Anne Frank now. She's got to keep up her schoolwork. The diuretic. Yeah, I was about to say. She wrote a chapter for Scientology. The Dianetics. The Diaspora. I'm actually doing a set

of the Anne Frank House. Featuring? Wait, when's your next show? I'm performing at Sorby Boer Memorial. This is your racist tour? Yeah. You're going to do a little something on top of the crumbling wall?

Inappropriate. I'm also performing at the Death Beach in Somalia. Oh. Guantanamo Bay. Guantanamo Bay. Get more people in here. Hey.

That was good. Let's talk about the weasel oh yeah well no the weasel let's get to the weasel let's go on let's talk about the rooster let's go all mark baron on jen's who's still let's let's let's go on the journey what the flip what the flip on me what the flip so jen you want to sing some more alice in chains they? They come to... I think I used to say... Snuff. I used to say snub. I'm not talking to that rooster. They've come to snub the rooster.

Look who's cocking the walk over there. That rooster is so rude. I don't talk to him. I would have made for a lot better music video. Just going up to people like, Hey! Oh, never mind. Never mind. A man in a rooster suit crying in the corner. Always weird when they have people in chicken suits selling chicken.

Don't you think? Or the mascot is a chicken. Yeah. Or those people that hold signs, that just spin signs. Yeah, but they're so talented sometimes. I'm like, how'd you do that? I mean, I like the concept, but it's like, come devour my the thing I'm embodying. Yeah. The animal

version. That's meta. It's deep. That is so deep. That's deep fact, Joe. I hardly know her. You know what's great about the sign flipping? I can't read your sign when you're flipping it all the time. So maybe you should not flip your sign as much. I'm like, oh, I saw

some advertisements out there. Did it work? Absolutely not. He was flipping his sign like that. I have no idea. It was just a pink swirl of mess. I went to Dunkin' Donuts. Throw him some money. I think that's actually how he's making his money.

Homeless people in chicken suits. Great idea. Right. Especially if they're insulated, too. What if we give homeless people suits? Like hot dog suits and whatnot. Yeah. Don't you think they'd rather have a hot dog? Like, seriously.

Given the choice, they could dress up as a food item or eat a meal. I don't recall giving that choice. I'm just saying we buy them costumes to make it look. Oh, okay. It would make your city better. No choice in for you. That's great. Well, no choice, but I didn't say I was pro-life.

So I guess the post show abortion is off the table. Hey, we'll see racism to abortion. Oh, so what about if we just give them like suits like mascots like they could just be a big 40 bottle guy. Yeah, like a

40 costume needle. Yeah. Yeah. Look, you guys. He's a diabetic. The diabetic of Anne Frank. A diabetic of Anne Frank. It would make your city look a little better, you know? Sure. It makes things a little more fun for the kids. Kids get kind of freaked out by homeless people. Yeah, but if they're like a

giant bottle. Why don't we make them all Santa Clauses at the mall? Because those guys are scary anyway. Name one kid who hasn't sobbed uncontrollably on the lap of a Santa at a mall, and I will show you a kid who has no soul. Daniel McCarthy. George Meyer.

Damn it. Michael's brother? Of course. Bring it back. Full circle. I'm the queen of full circles, you guys. Meta. You're Queen Latifah's sister?

I'm the queen of full circles. Queen Latif, ooh. Really? Because I thought you were the queen of all circles queen latif ooh really because i thought you were the queen of square i'm just kidding so where did the square begin jen where did the comedy square start are you talking about my we're gonna talk about comedy now no well it's probably for this comedy about 45 minutes in the comedy podcast maybe it's about time okay where did I start doing comedy when I think I was at

your first one no I started at the my very very first show was September of 2010 at the Topaz room which the Topaz which is in DC

I saw one of your first ones oh it's Topaz very early on Topaz it was um and then I didn't really do it

you know how it is like I don't know if everyone was like this but you do it, and then maybe you wait like a few weeks or like a month. That's what I still do. Oh.

I've been doing it for three years, but if you put them all together, it's a week. And then I didn't do anything. And then I started to really do it actively January of this year. Okay. Like,

more, more insanely. And then it was almost like um like an addiction sort of like right really yeah that's kind of how i am like when i have off at night and i have not and i'm not performing i'm like yeah where to now yeah guess i'll just walk the streets alone tears of a clown yep a shockingly peppy song for something so sad. It's true, too. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm like, oh, I'm not going to cry to that. Wrong.

So, yeah. So then I did it. I've been doing this since January. And I happened to be friends with somebody who may or may not still be my friend. A comic named Justin Schlegel. Just tossing names out there. Don't even care if I. Look at these.

And he was very helpful. He got me my first hosting gig at... Well, my first one was at Sully's. Don't know what Sully's is. Sully's is where Magoobies used to be. And now there's like a weird thing where they don't like each other. And so if you perform at Magoobies,

you're no longer ever again. Really? You don't know this? I try to stay away from stuff like that well it's annoying but when i was hired to host at mcgoobies andrew literally said it was great you we would prefer that you not have any paid shows within like a 10 mile radius of this club which is in timonium so there's only one other club i'm like why don't you just say sullies i'm like just say to me i don't want you to work at Sully's because there's nothing else

in Timonium. Unless you're talking about the fairgrounds. Because that's the only other thing in Timonium. Swear to God, if you're working at the Marriott, I'd see you at the help desk. Although, well, it's paid gig. I guess I couldn't get a paid gig at High Toms, which I don't like that room. Yeah, it seems like a rough room. It's the worst place ever. I hate it. Really?

I like it. They're nice to me there. Yeah, you do well there. Really? Maybe it's just me. Maybe because I went to high school there and have friends from that area who come out to support me. Don't sell yourself short. This is a positive place. I've never had terribly bad, but I do better

in clubs and I've done a couple college things. Nice. I do better in those places. Instead of where three feet away is some guy screaming at the television and people are a couple college things. Nice. I do better in those places. Instead of like, you know, we're three feet away and some guy's screaming

at the television and people are playing pool while you're performing. Because I'm very, I'm not soft spoken, but my... I'm kind of the same way. My humor's very dry.

Right, me too. So it requires a bit of like, yeah. And I also think, this is going to sound so narcissistic, but I don't care, that my jokes are too smart for high tops.

I sometimes feel that way about myself as well. Yeah. That you're too narcissistic. Yeah. Maybe you should stop being so meta all the time. Oh, meta, meta, meta. If I was a serial killer, I would just kill myself. Oh.

Whoa. Whoa. That's what I would do. Let's go back to the weasel. Yeah. Okay. You like the weasel. I love Pauly Shore I love him

What about his short-lived program Pauly? The TV show Yes, I remember that I didn't see that Which is weird and sad that I didn't know that But I have seen every film Including the ones he made himself later on in life Which is Pauly Shore's Dead

You'll Never Wheeze in this Town Again Great movie. Adoption. I noticed he's had a string of direct-to-DVD films. Yes, but you know what? Those make money too. Maybe it's slightly more embarrassing. Sadly, he's best known for being the child of the people who

found and owned the comedy store in Los Angeles. So you'd think that, given his upbringing, he would be more funny. So it's almost annoying that he's not. How'd you not get any of that? The Comedy Store in Los Angeles. So you'd think that given his upbringing, he would be more funny. Right. So it's almost like annoying that he's not. How'd you not get any of that? I can't get a grasp on your feelings towards Pauly Shore because you keep going between.

Well, he's not. The stand-up that I saw. Okay, I'll tell you the story. It was annoying. It was a terrible story for me. I was excited to see him. It was at Ram's Head in Annapolis, if you're familiar at all. Very small place. Sure. State's capital. I was excited to see him. It was at Ram's Head in Annapolis, if you're familiar at all. Very small place.

Sure. State's capital. Shout out. Maryland for life, sadly. They sell kombucha at the coffee shop down the street from there. Yeah. Continue. And so I go.

I pay an exorbitant fee to see this individual. Can you tell us what the fee is? I believe I paid $30 to see him. And I believe I also bought my then-boyfriend's ticket, so I technically paid $60 to see Paul. I was up front. He was mildly amusing, but just mostly sort of... It seemed like he didn't plan out his

set. Showed his ass a lot inexplicably and I was like, where do you think you are? This is Annapolis. This is a drinking town with a boating problem. Did he at all talk about his experience with the Limp Bizkit video break stuff in which he appeared? No, he did not.

He mostly seemed to complain like Prince style, Prince who will never perform any of his earlier songs again, he said, so he's crapping all over the stuff that got him where he is. So he basically probably crapped all over the stuff that got him where he is. So he basically, probably short, crapped all over the movies that everyone was there because they love these films, and then he's just sort of crapping. And I'm like, well, obviously

we're not here to see you because you're Mitzi Shore's son. We're here to see you because you made these films that you're now telling us to do. In the Army now, guy. Come on. Jerry Doody was pretty horrible, though, from what I remember. Jerry Doody was pretty bad. T. Carrere took a step down. I didn't see Biodome. Biodome was pretty horrible, though, from what I remember. Jerry Doody was pretty bad. I remember getting really bored during that. T. Carrere took a step down from T. Carrere. I didn't see Biodome.

Biodome was pretty terrifying as well because Stephen Baldwin. But the movies before that I remember cracking up. Son-in-Law was great. And of course Encino Man was wonderful. And he's just the same person in both films, which is probably why we let it there. So he's not that character, that weird Stephen Tyler dressing character and any of these other films. Yeah. So he was awful.

And I, but I still wanted a photo with him. And if you go, if anyone ever goes to my Facebook page, you can also see that picture, me and Pauly Shore, when you're not looking at the one of Anthony, Michael and I,

and I wait and wait and wait and wait. He finally comes out. He looks totally out of it. He's trying to hit on some unattractive um heavyset blonde girl hey buddy he didn't say anything i was like i was like can i just get a picture and he looks miserable in the photo and as the picture's about to snap i go you know don't worry about it she's still gonna blow you if you just take five seconds to get this picture thanks so i'm like cheese all big and he just looks like he'd

rather be anywhere but there and so i'm like you know who are who are you like come out and say hi to these people get blown yeah probably not by me but even though that i was so angry after that when i found out he was coming to mcgoobies i begged them wendy townsend who's another comic from this area she is a fan as well. Magoobies knows her better. Don't besmirch Wendy's name. We don't know Wendy. Is she really a fan? Of Pauly Shore? She says she's a fan.

I love her, but I think I'm a bigger fan. Oh. I've even seen Vegas is My Oyster, which was that Showtime thing. He just had a thing on Showtime. It was like a variety show called Vegas is My Oyster. I was that Showtime thing. He just had a thing on Showtime. It was like a variety show called Vegas is My Oyster. I'm sure that did well.

It was awful. I don't get it. Hold on. Pauly Shore sucked at stand-up, and he also had a shitty show in Vegas? Yeah. What? I know, and I still, and yet I'm still. Pauly Shore is falling from grace.

So anyway. I'm surprised he hasn't made any sequels to his classics. You know what I mean? Like crappy actors like that. Encino son. Like the new Lost Boys with Corey Feldman. Encino son-in-law. Encino man in the army now.

Combining. Like a crossover. Encino man goes to Afghanistan. Brendan Fraser's like, sorry, I've made some really great films since then don't know if you saw school ties or bedazzled coward i only saw the trailers but he also did that like hbo movie with harrison ford about like the doctor trying to find the cure for his sick kid george in the jungle i just cry the whole time? Okay. George, quit swinging from trees.

My son's going to die. He's like, he's all again. Chill out, buddy. I'm going to crunch on some grind. We're going to do what? I need a fucking dictionary when we hang out. Oh, my God.

So I'm doing that show. It's a long story. The long and the short of it is that Wendy, since they... The long and the Pauly Shore of it is. Do you think he goes on Pauly Shore leave? Anyway, Wendy's doing the Friday, Saturday shows, and I'm getting the throwaway Thursday show. Nice. But it's better than nothing, is what I say.

Yeah. Is it just you opening or are there other? I'm just hosting. I'm sure there's going to be an opener. He might even bring his own. He brought his own to Annapolis.

A guy who was much funnier than him. Thank God. So it wasn't a total waste. Right. It was Brendan Frazier. Yeah. Throw that dog a butt.

Basically that whole it was 30 minutes of him being frozen in a block of ice. And eventually he came out. Bedazzled the crowd. Do you think you should do an ad for the Bedazzler? That'd be awesome.

Brendan Fraser's at it again. If I had five wishes, they'd all be for a Bedazzler. Do you even know what we're talking about? Have you seen this movie with Elizabeth Hurley? It's a remake too, isn't it? It's a remake, too, isn't it? It's a remake. I'm vaguely familiar, but not really. Yeah, it was originally called The Thing.

I'm kidding. What? No, Brendan Fraser, he gets five wishes from Elizabeth Hurley. Who's the devil. And he can't wish for more wishes? No. Okay. She's the devil.

Yeah, I think it was originally originally a Dudley Moore film. Yeah, that makes sense. Not Arthur. Could he wish to fly? Probably, but what happens is she tricks him. So he wishes for something and she finds a way to make it go terribly wrong. Every single time. Every single time.

He wishes to be a rich and powerful man and she makes him a drug, like a head of a drug cartel in South America. That's about to get busted. Yeah, you've you gotta be really specific with the wishes I've learned from movies. It's really funny. Tell Brendan Fraser. That's what he needed, though.

What was that classic horror, The Monkey's Paw? Oh, yeah, yeah. From The Simpsons? Yeah, yeah. Isn't that... It was on The Simpsons. Yeah, they did a parody of it

on The Simpsons. I remember that. Are they still on? Yeah. Have they been on for 50 years? Yeah, they've sucked parody of it on the Sixth Sense. I remember that. Are they still on? Have they been on for 50 years? Yeah, they've been on for the last 12 years. God, they're so good, though. They have to do their Halloween special, then. Yeah, it's coming on tonight, actually.

Tomorrow, Sunday. I believe Bart will be an alien in this one, for some reason. I saw a still of an alien Bart. Right, like the Kang type aliens. Yeah, with a Bart head. Hey, guys, speaking of aliens, I saw the movie Paul. You guys remember Paul?

Oh, with Simon Pegg and his other friend. Oh yeah, how was it? I paid 99 cents for it. I'd pay 99 cents again. You would? It was good. Oh, but not more than that?

Are they funny? Yes, it's funny. Are they both still funny in it? Yes, they're funny. No, they're not funny, but it's really good anyway. It is good. I cried the entire time.

No, it's a serious movie. They'll probably get the Oscar nod for best drama. The Alien, well, which was a CGI animated. Yeah. But yeah, Seth Rogen voices the alien, which you think would get a doink. Doesn't. His gruff, gruff, gruff voice. Yeah.

He's like not, he's not funny. Yeah, I don't think he's that great either. You know who he is? He reminds me of Vince Vaughn in that he's the same person in every role. Like I dare,

except for Psycho. And Clay Pigeons. And Clay Pigeons. What is Clay Pigeons? Clay Pigeons. He plays a serial killer. Back to that. Oh,

spoiler alert. Come on. That's his laugh then. Yeah, that's it. I think he says buddy a lot in that movie too, actually. He was influenced by the early works, the oily works of Pauly Shore.

Jen, are you going to see the new thing film? No. You know the thing, the original, not the original, the 1982 version with Kurt Russell's remake too. It came from the thing from outer space. Right. No, the thing from another world.

The thing from another world, was Now The Thing from Another World. I don't want to go see any movie that doesn't involve Kurt Russell with a beard. So no. Although Big Trouble in Little China is one of my all-time favorite films. I wanted to say this earlier. What's his name? Mickey Mars or Mick Mars?

Mick Mars from Mötley Crüe. Looks just like the evil guy. David Lopan? Yes. He does look like David Lopan. A girl with green eyes do you think that's what Mick Mars

is always looking for I'm like hey man you looking for a girl with green eyes I think he'd get it what the hell are you talking about do you want to go

back out on tour of course talk about Big Trouble and Little China and Mick Mars you've never seen I'm going to do that thing where I have to

pare it back to you what you just said sounds like I murdered a child I own it if I had known that and then you'll start listing people that are in it as though that's going to jog my mind oh yeah back to you what you just said. What? Sounds like, yeah. And being really incredulous. I own it. If I had known that. And then you'll start listing people that are in it

as though that's going to like jog. Oh, yeah. Kim Cattrall. Yeah. Kurt Russell. Bunch of Asian guys all look alike. Right.

David Lopan. Real name, don't know. Mickey Mars. Mickey Mars. Mickey Mars. My favorite line. He looks just like him. My favorite line in that film

is when he's just, when he's old and they're both like, Kurt Russell and his friend are both short round. And they're in the chairs in his little lair and he's talking about what he wants to do. And Kurt Russell's like, you can rule the world from beyond the grave or check into a loony bin, whichever comes first. But the way that you have to see the film because Kurt Russell's so great in that film. First of all, his outfit alone is enough. He wears a tank top

tucked into jeans with some knee-high boots. Furry on the top. He's a furry, yeah. He's a furry. Speaking of homeless people in chicken suits. Would that still be a furry? Good with the's a furry. That's what I was hoping for. Speaking of homeless people in chicken suits. Oh, yeah. But that wouldn't, would that still be a furry?

Good with the callbacks, this one. Yeah. I noticed. Not as good doing that. I want to write a set where I like to do a throwback to an earlier joke. I'm not sure if I've ever done that. Really? I can see you doing that fairly easily.

Thanks. You're just hanging in there, trooper. Keep at it. You'll call it back one day. Keep plugging away, kid. Keep plugging away, kid. Yeah. That's the way we know it. You'll make it. You'll make it. Just believe in yourself. one day. Keep plugging away, kid. Before you know it. You'll make it.

You'll make it. Just believe in yourself. Hit your rope to that star, kid. Are you going to make fun of Pauly Shore at all in your stand-up? I think that what I'm going to start out by saying is telling everybody that it's been a lifelong dream of mine to bed him. And that I will be selling tickets to that show afterwards. And it will probably take place in my 2006 honda civic which only has 118 000 miles on it for anyone who wants to watch nice and then i that will be and i'll be like

and this is a great way of i wanted to tell him that but i wasn't sure how i could tell him so i thought on stage in front of 200 strangers would be the best way for me to let him know that i hope to bore a loveless like a child out of a loveless union with him. That's cool. Loveless son. Right. Loveless father. There you go. I think I'll say that.

Maybe. Make love in a positive way. Because when you work at Magoobies, when you're hosting, the first thing they make you say is, round of applause. First time at Magoobies, and they make you say that.

And I just want to be like, round of applause. I'm having sex with Paul Meshore after I just want to be like, round of applause. I'm having sex with Pauly Shore after this show. Round of applause. Woo. Single clap. At the end of a John,

Lucas. The crowd's just like, oh no, poor girl. They'll probably keep clapping it up. Clap. Yeah. They'll herpes it up.

Sign your comment cards if you don't want me to have sex with Pauly Shore. Rate the likelihood of me having sex with Pauly Shore after the show. One being yes, five being yes. Of him getting all up in my biodome. Come on. Oh, man.

I'd like to give him the jury duty. That doesn't make any sense. When you are having sex with him, whisper in his in his ear be like you're in the army now right yeah or you can be like have sex with me in Encino man

because he was in Encino oh yeah yeah okay that's good that's good wow so that's gonna be awkward

you gotta hang out backstage with him after I've declared my... Yeah. After I've planted my flag in his territory. Mm-hmm. Like far and away style. Right.

Right. Mm-hmm. Wow. I've never seen that either. Me either. You're not missing much. Oh. It's Tom Cruise with an awkward Irish accent and Nicole Kidman.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mission Impossible. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Okay. I'm talking about Scientology. Is that where they met? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Have you... No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mission Impossible. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. I'm talking about Scientology. Is that where they met?

Yeah. Yeah. I think so. No, yeah. Have you ever seen that one video of Tom Cruise that circulated a while ago of him talking about Scientology? He's wearing like a black turtleneck or something. And there's a Limp Bizkit. Laughing.

Yeah, there's like a Limp Bizkit soundtrack in the back. Yeah, and he's like laughing maniacally the entire time. There's one where he talks about something about if there was a car accident and he drove by it. As a Scientologist, it would be his duty to stop and pull over and help

because no one else could help. And of course, that begs the question, but what if the guy behind you was a doctor? He couldn't help. What do you mean no one else could help?

I know, I don't get it. I don't get what he's saying. He's basically saying as Scientology dictates that he get out and help because he is the one person that can do something to help. Tom Cruise? Yes.

So let me get this straight. You can't get it straight. It's Scientology. When someone that you know is injured in a car accident, there's only one person that can help? Because if Tom Cruise, as a Scientologist, or any Scientologist, happens to be driving by, and that's what he's saying, and I'm like, yeah, but what if there was a doctor with you that guy couldn't do a thing are you sure unless he's a scientologist

can help car accident victims and no one else yeah that's what he's saying and he's just like he's like clay pigeoning it up the whole time like laughing maniacally yeah yeah it's yeah he's cracking himself up he's like and i know man you know and he's like probably just talking to a camera on a tripod is what i imagine that there's nothing there and he's like it's a tennis ball and he drew a silly face on he's like you know what i'm talking about man come on man sobbing pen you know what i'm saying man i gotta get going guys gotta get to work all right well let's take a break. Maybe let's hear a word from Leviticus

and then we'll come back and say our goodbyes. Sounds good. Hey y'all it's your good friend Leviticus back for one more rule.

This one's a doozy. It's rule number 20 trace. Now listen y'all. I know y'all love your pets and heck rule. This one's a doozy. It's rule number 20, Trace. Now listen, y'all. I know y'all love your pets, and heck, I love my dog too, but I don't love him that much. Now listen here. Do not have sexual

relations with an animal and defy yourself with it, y'all. That's detestable. Alright, let's send it on back to the boys, for they burn in hell. I'm just kidding, y'all. Outros. Oh, Outros.

Outros. Oh. Mike, I think you got to adjust the microphone. It might be up a little high. Oh. All right. All right. How are we doing now?

Good. Can you hear me? Uh-huh. Josh is kind of a microphone adjustment Nazi. Well, I have to be. I don't think so. Every time I listen to the podcast, everybody sounds fine. You're like, wait, wait, guys, guys.

You got to speak right into that thing. You do. Let's adjust our microphones. You know, I want it to be too hot. Please adjust your microphone. Don't pop your peas. Well, yours was up here, so you couldn't really hear, and then you came down here. Oh, whatever.

All right, fine. Let's talk about this on the forums, listeners. Yeah. Josh or Mike, who is better at life? Yeah, we need some listener support. We haven't been getting many emails as of late. I know. That really infuriates me.

I'm going to make you feel bad about yourself. You're going to hulk out. Mike's cock is going to get big and black. You're going to hulk out psychologically. You're going to get big and black. Black cock down. Black cock down. I love that movie. I bet that was made. You would love it. You're the star.

Oh, really? Someone should have told me. Rescue mission. You would love it. You're the star. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Oh, someone should have told me. Rescue mission. You know, they had to change the name of one of the characters in that because he was a child molester in real life. What? Freddy Krueger? Yep.

Josh Hart? Yes. It's like, guys, we could save our comrades or we could just go molest these Iraqis. What do you want to do? No? No? Vote. Take a vote.

Take a vote. One guy doesn't want to. All right. Always that guy. Well, Jen Tisdale. Yes. As you check your phone, I'm sure you're having a great time.

I was looking at an email. Sure. An email from a comic. Oh, sure. Pauly? Sure. Harland Williams. Pauly.

Harland Williams? Mm-hmm. Is he asking for a hot meal? Or beefs. Really? Yeah, isn't that weird? I'm not a name dropper he's like the only person he's not even relevant anymore

because he's I'm kidding I like Harlan Williams I think he's funny I don't know who he is I have a story yeah you do what is the likelihood

of Harlan Williams ever hearing this podcast because I could tell a story but tell him to listen to our podcast I'll tell you off air at Harlan Williams listen to our podcast

I tell him to yeah tell him to alright I will I'm going to watch you yeah yeah tell them to all right i will no i'm gonna watch you tell them right now on your blackberry all right digression sessions you can get it on itunes i don't know am i doing it now i would appreciate it if you would i will i don't know how to use this very well i'm very my my fat little fingers. As you were just plugging away out of the second, I don't know,

just, sorry, just let me, I'm trying to triangulate. Just drop in a cup of coffee. I don't know. Throw it out the window. This thing came pre-greased up.

I don't know why they do that to black shirts. It's because it's black. They're so racist. Black racism. What's this Leviticus thing? Do you read from the Bible? Yeah. Leviticus dropped by Do you read from the Bible? Yeah. Leviticus dropped by.

You didn't hear it? I think you did. Did I? I think you did. I think you did. Yeah. Maybe you're checking your Blackberry a couple weeks ago and it happened. Probably.

Editing. Oh. Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. Edit this whole conversation out. Don't worry. We will. It'll be smooth as ice. Yeah. Sorry. Edit this whole conversation out. Don't worry, we will. It'll be smooth as ice.

Yeah, this is actually going to be like digression sessions with Mike Fonazo or something. We're going to edit you. Mike Fonazo. Mike Fonazo. All right, so let's hear this Harlem Williams story. It's you guys. It's not evenlan Williams story. It's you guys. It's not even a good story. It's just that he...

1989. He is... Calgary, Canada. My other friend, the one I spoke of earlier, Justin Schlegel, is like his featuring guy. So like whenever Harlan goes

and does a show, Justin features for him, even here. And we just got to hang out a couple times. And the last time he was here with Justin, we all went out after the show.

We got very drunk. And then at one point, Justin said to me, he's kind of asexual. I don't even get a vibe from him that he's ever, you know, whatever. And so when Harlan was like, oh, you can take me back to my hotel room. This is where I look like naive girl of 2011. I was like, sure. And he's like, you can come up and hang out. I'm like, sure.

And the next thing you know, he's kissing me. And I was like, this was not in the plan. Harlan Williams, you're kissing me. And so I think the saddest part of this whole story, though, is that this was the weekend of the horror convention, and I just bought a pretty snazzy pair of Freddy Krueger earrings. Lost one of them in his hotel room. Not the glass slipper story that you're familiar with.

So for me, the saddest part was i'll never get to wear those earrings because i just have the one one lone freddie hey yeah but yeah you still email him um i think he was really embarrassed for a little while but right i think he's okay now because i was like i have a boyfriend all right i gotta go right but i this is not in the but then harlan's probably like wow why'd you come to my hotel room? How old is Harlan Williams? 90. He's got to be in his

40s at this point, right? Yeah. I don't know. I guess I could ask. Did you ever see the film Dumb and Dumber? Oh yeah, he's the cop, right? Yeah, the one that drinks the urine. Isn't he in Half-Baked? He's also in Half-Baked. He's the one in jail in Half-Baked. Alright, I seriously gotta go, yeah. He's the cop, right? Yeah. The one that drinks the urine. Wasn't he in Half-Baked?

He's also in Half-Baked. He's the one in jail in Half-Baked. All right. I seriously got to go, guys. Okay. Anything you want to promote? Yeah. What day is the Pauly Shore show?

I'm opening for him Thursday, November 10th at McGoobie's. Boom. Cool. Anything else you want to promote while you're here? I mean, I'm going to be at Sonoma's on Monday, but I'm sure everyone has Halloween plans that are not going to be Sonoma's. Everybody's doing their Halloween stuff tonight, I think. Yeah, that's true.

Well, the Fells Point thing is on Monday, so I imagine all the Baltimore kids will be down there for that. Oh, there you go. Not me. Alright, pop into Sonoma's. Alright. Sonoma's. How about you, Mr. Michael Moran? No, not really. Nothing I can think of. Nothing? No, not really. I I can think of. Nothing? No, not really.

Let's say like November 12th. Well, yeah. But I think our listeners are well aware of that. What's November 12th? Michael Ian Black. Michael Ian Black at the Autobar. Alex and Dan are opening. I'm opening as well.

You are? They're hosting. I'm opening. Are you really? Yep. What? He's featuring. What?

Yeah. You haven't put this on the Facebooks, have you? Yeah. You know what? With the new layout, I don't ever see. Yeah, I can't. Yeah. You can curse on here, by the way.

Mark Zuckerberg is a big fan of this podcast, too. Is he really? Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah, of course. The Zuck? Do you think he's looking for. He invited me up to his hotel room once.

I don't want to talk about it. Did he kiss you? Did you lose a pair of Freddie Crueger earrings? He lost his... Virginity. Ted Danson earrings. I want to hear... I guess we'll have to talk more about this

with Michael Ian Black. Okay. It's exciting. I'm going to be there. Sweet. Nice. Awesome. All right.

And I guess for me, I'll be doing open mic somewhere, so if people want to watch me fail, I'm not going to tell you about it. You just happen to have to be there. Why even take out your penis if you're not going to have sex with someone? That's true. I'll use my fingers.

I guess it is pretty exciting to show people your penis, too. Especially in an open mic setting. Go to Baltimore Improv Group shows. Yes. I think that's it. Thanks, listeners. Happy Halloween, I think that's it. Thanks listeners.

Happy Halloween, y'alls. And thanks, Jess. Don't forget to set your clocks back. Thank you, Jen. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Frank, don't fucking lie to me. I have a rendezvous with death. Oh, and so does the president. And so do you, Frank, if you get too close to me. You have a rendezvous with my ass, motherfucker! Motherfucker