The Digression Sessions - Ep. 90 - Jim Meyer (Strikes Back!)

Episode Date: September 23, 2013

Follow us on Twitter! @Jimmy2Bad @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod This week on The Digression Sessions we all fall into a burning ring of Meyer. That’s right, Jim Meyer returns to the program and this time it’s impersonal. Jim is a Baltimore-based stand-up comedian, columnist for the Baltimore City Paper, and is now really into planting trees around the city, apparently. Hot topics discussed this week include;  Jim’s recent interview with Jock Cousteau’s son, the recently proven correlation between scrotom-size and parental competence, and the the City Paper , Best of contest (Jim got the gold for Best Columnist, while we got the bronze for Best Podcast, and both Josh and Mike awarded themselves homemade ‘Participation’ ribbons for Best Comedian). Thanks everyone who got us to number three in the contest! I mean really the other two rankings both correspond with bathroom behaviors anyway, so we are more than happy with three! Don’t forget to ‘like’ our Facebook page and check out Josh and Mike’s standup and improv dates at the Calender on the Digression Sessions website. Thanks DigHeads!

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week jim meyer is the guest on this week's program. And as always, we're happy to have Jim on the show. He's a bit of a Baltimore legend. He's a very funny man, very nice guy. And as always, we're happy to have him on the show. Jim is not only a very funny comedian, but he's also a talented writer. He has a column with the City Paper called Spitballin', which you can find at citypaper.com. He also contributes to Grist, which you can find at grist.com as well. And he just started teaching English. He's also trying to save some trees. This guy does it all. And yeah, we're really happy to have him on the show. Super funny guy. And you can find him online and on the Twitter. You can find him at Jimmy too bad. And that's a number two Jimmy

number two bad and also the Jim Meyer experience.com. So go go follow Jim and he'll keep you updated on all upcoming shows and activities and articles and things like that. Jim's an awesome, awesome guy, so support him where you can. Oh, yeah, and also he won Best Columnist in the City Paper Bowl. He's the best columnist in all of Baltimore. So, yeah, give it up for him. We had the best columnist on the third best podcast, and I think it evened out. I think it evened out to a pretty good show.

He was the chocolate to our vanilla, our plain third place vanilla. I kid, I kid, I kid. It was great having him on the show. And speaking of support, you guys can come see us live. Mr. Mike Moran and I, we've got some shows coming up this Tuesday. September 24th, I will be at Sean Bolin's in Bel Air

doing some stand-up. Wednesday, September 25th in Baltimore, I'll be at the Auto Bar. I'll be the third Mike... Excuse me there. That's a professional podcast right there. September 25th, I'll be at Autobar for Chuckle Storm.

I'll be the third mic with Dan and Alex. I will be the Paul Schaefer to their David Letterman. And a bunch of funny people are doing that show. We have comedians. We got Sarah Armour, very funny. Nick Mullen, very funny. Ben O'Brien, very funny. Also, the Creepers are going to be doing music. and we're doing live sketch and all kinds of crazy stuff and then uh september 26th

thursday you can catch me in virginia i'll be at the roadside grill in arlington virginia and if you want to see that lovable scamp mike moran you can see him on Thursday, September 26th as well. He will be in DC with his improv troupe Pop Six, and they'll be performing at the Source Theater at 830 in DC. So go check that out. You can, you know, if you're in Arlington, come see me. If you're in DC, go see, go see that, that old Mike Tugboat Moran. And just in general, if you guys want to come see us, you can always check out digressionsessions.com slash calendar. We have all of our dates listed there and ticket info and the addresses of all these beautiful venues we play.

And if you guys can make it out to a show, that would be great. We really, really appreciate that. Special shout-out to a dighead out there, Mike Mihailov. I think I'm saying that right. He came out to see an improv show with Chinese Menu this past weekend. And I really appreciated that. He just found the show and then we advertised and he came out, said hi afterwards. And he's a super cool dude.

So, you know, thank you guys so much for listening. Thanks for coming out to the show. And, yeah, special thanks to Chinese Menu and Pete Bergen. They put on a great, great show. It was great playing with all those improvisers down there. And, yeah, without further ado, I'm rambling here. We really appreciate it. Tell a friend if you like the show.

Find us on Facebook. Drop a comment. Follow us on Twitter. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. Mike is at Michaelael moran 10 and uh you know um i've said it before i'll say it again we love you it's true Is this thing on? Yeah, we got a little screen there. Oh.

Is that comfortable for you? Oh, yeah. Do you want me to lift it up or anything? Let's keep a nice posture. Huh? Do you want me to lift it up for you? No, I'm good. You sure?

Yeah. Okay. I'm going to have to talk loud because I think you got it. Actually, can you turn that air conditioner off? We might have to sweat a little. I'm not scared of a little bit of sweat. But I'll tell you what I am scared of. I'm all now sweat.

Sharks. Sharks? That's sweat. Get that sweaty shark away from me. Oh. The ocean would just be so much better if sharks didn't exist. The ocean has a lot of scary shit in it. Are we started?

Are we podcasting right now? Oh, no, no, no. This is all off the record. So if you want to say something shitty about the ocean, go for it. Sweet. I interviewed Jean-Michel Cousteau. Son of Jean Cousteau. Welcome back to the bragging hour.

You said the ocean. We're not on the air. We're on the ocean. Hey, Jim. It's all good. It's all good. Who did you interview? Jean-Michel Cousteau.

Son of Jacques Cousteau. Oh. Jacques Cousteau. Jacques Cousteau, Jean-Michel. Jean. What does his Jean do? His Jean is also an ocean pioneer. Really?

Yeah. He took over the TV show. So he's like the young dirty bastard of ocean exploration. Is the young dirty bastard like the old dirty bastard's son? He's like a Jason Bonham. He's one of old dirty bastards' many old dirty kids. So are we podcasting now? Yeah. It seems like this is officially podcasting.

This is it, man. So off the record, not bragging has turned into what might be bragging. No, I'm excited that you are here. Jim Meyer voted by the people, best columnist in Baltimore. Wow. Beating out every other columnist in Baltimore. Yeah. I didn't attempt to win.

So we have the best columnist on the third best podcast. That's a pretty good combo. Top three. Hey, now pretty good combo. Top three. I don't think that you had the organized voting blitz that some of the other podcasts had. Are you saying cheating? Are you saying we didn't cheat? No, I'm saying

you didn't have an organized voting blitz. We did, kind of. Okay. We did. But not quite... As organized or blitzy. You know, we don't have... I mean, I don't know how they did it Well, that's sad. But not quite. As organized or blitzy. Well, you know, we don't have, I mean, I don't know how they did it, but it's not like we have digression session events that we can go to and have everybody there vote. Yeah, it wasn't a full-on blitz, just kind of like a quarterback. We're not accusing other people of cheating, by the way.

We really shouldn't say that at the beginning of the fight. No, no, no. It wasn't a blitz. It was just the pressure. It was like a stunt. More of that. Also, we didn't have dead people vote like the fighting hungers did.

But we're not a keep really. I asked them, man. They still lost. The voting hungers still didn't vote enough. They did not. Congratulations to the fighting hungers. Did they win? No.

And innocent looking crook store. Have you been on that show? No. It's really fun. I would like to. I've heard good things. It's a good show. Do you know what all three of the top podcasts in Baltimore have in common?

White dudes talking. Me as a guest. I know. And that too. It's all good. Yeah. No, I'm excited you're here, guest. I know. And that too. It's all good. Yeah. No, I'm excited you're here, Jim. Jimbo. Yeah. Okay, so you

interviewed some guy. Jean-Michel Cousteau. Did he consider just calling himself Jacques Cousteau Jr.? No. Maybe. You really can't travel back in time, punch your mama in the vagina, and make a name for you. Not with that attitude.

Jim Meyer, Lon Chaney Jr. Not really Lon Chaney Jr. Really? He's the son of Lon Chaney, but his name was not Lon, and it was not followed with a junior. Wow. That's fascinating. The only thing authentic about that name is the Chaney. There it is.

And the Whopper Jr.? Actually, a chicken sandwich. I had no idea. He learned so much. I'm looking at the high-tech equipment that you've got here, and I'm not talking about Mike Moran's penis. For once. For once, yeah.

Oh, great minds and us. For now. For now. Great minds. And the name of your board here really should be like a pulp science fiction. Korg of the Electribe. ESX1. Whoa.

Yeah. Even four. The XS1. Korg of the Electribe. Captain of the XS1. It's just a board with switches. Why would it have the title of a captain or something? Well, because I'm just saying that the board

No, but the name Korg Okay Electribe So you're projecting into the future Where computers are captaining I'm more projecting into the past When that would seem futuristic I see

Like in the 70s 1970s, Korg of the Electribe, commander of the SX1. That sounds more like 50s to me. Okay, 50s, yeah. Let's compromise with the 60s. How about 63? Sure, that's fine.

We'll go a little bit your way. That's fine. Wow. I appreciate that. What just played out there is similar to the Syrian conflict that's going on right now. I'm not sure who Putin was or who Obama was, but you guys worked it out. I just played out there is similar to the Syrian conflict that's going on right now. I'm not sure who Putin was or who Obama was, but you guys worked it out. I just gassed the room. That was a fart. The UN's going to come after you, pal.

Everybody comes after me because I don't care about pleasing others. Whoa. I always come first. And you always do a lot of... You know you're shitting all over the UN. D-E-R-W-A-R-E. D-E-W... What?

What? Underwear. Oh. U-N-D... Underwear. Yeah. Next year, we're going to be the number one podcast. We may be number three, or we're number one at number two jokes.

Thank you. How about that? If you're following at home, that was some high-level math right there. Boom. Who's this handsome gentleman next to the centaur? Is there anything else you want to point out on the podcast that the listeners can't see? Lots and lots of things. What is that in the corner?

But I described it. Okay. It's the Korg Electribe SX1. So everybody has a mental picture of that at home now. It's a delightful space tyrant with antlers and a laser beard. It's a delightful space tyrant. I wish I had a laser beard. No, but who is that guy?

He looks like he's got like a flight jacket on. Jesus. He's standing in front of a sea of some sort. He looks like a- Oh, that's Brian Dunning, podcaster. This is a podcast about flying warbirds from the 40s? Yeah. Do you listen?

Oh, the dog's angry. God. Is that a boy, girl, or girl? He's in California. We interviewed him via Skype. What's his podcast about? It's called Skeptoid. It's about Skeptoid.

It's about skepticism. He goes through various subjects every week, does like 10-minute episodes, and basically debunks things. Or admits that he can't debunk something. Huh. That's good. Loch Ness Monster. Chemtrails. Chemtrails.

Bigfoot. Chemtrails. She was so hot. You know the one that he really couldn't debunk? And it almost kind of sounds like it should be named Korg, the space dictator, or whatever you're saying. It's the satellite signal that was picked up that's from no one knows where. I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea. It's the big wow.

That kind of rings a bell. It's just a completely unexplainable space signal that's sent from an unknown origin and no one's ever been able to figure out where. Did Voyager pick it up or whatever that probe that we have out there? That just left the solar system? No, it was the people that were listening for UFOs.

Oh, okay. The gigantic satellites. Did you see that TV signals from the 50s and 60s are starting to bounce back? Really? And they've gotten shows. They've bounced off the shit out there and are coming back. And they actually got a couple of episodes of Doctor Who that were lost. No way.

It's crazy. That have bounced back and are coming back. That is insane. Of all the episodes, or shows, too, like a weird alien-based show comes back. Figured it'd be like I Love Lucy or something. What was the one where that guy was the honeymooners? Where he's always threatening her.

No, he's like, straight to the moon. One more time, my wife, and I will blacken your eye in a fit of jealous yeah that's so strange that was his catchphrase basically like yeah yeah back in like the innocent 50s when everything was so much better yeah in the season finale as he hits her in the face like finally we've been waiting so long. Well, what the greatest generation had to deal with. Yeah. You know? Sure. That's what made

the women of that generation so great. The ability to take a punch. Mm-hmm. I think that's in the Bible somewhere. Yeah, no glass-jawed women back then. Actually, it is. Chapter 11. Chapter 11. Beating your wife. To the moon. Parentheses. Alice. To the moon, parentheses, Alice.

To the moon, which is run by Abraham. I think it's run by Korg of the Electribe. Does the Bible actually say what the moon is? Does the Bible say what's going on with the moon and the sun? I don't think it does. I used to have a Bible when I was a lad. It had like an old Hebrew

Illustra Hey there's a dog here Old Hebrew Illustration of what they thought The The planet looked like And the earth was on These big pillars

And then there was like A dome Right Which was like a curtain Yeah And then there was water All around And the stars were just

Pinpricks in the curtain Between the waters and the sky. Yeah, it happened from shooting off fireworks. You know that some rabbi's kid probably drew that. He's like, alright, I'll put it in. No, they really believed the earth was flat and there was like

circles of crystal rotating around with stars. Well, I guess the stars were above, but the moon and the sun were like within crystal oh yeah interesting this is the torah or uh no i think it's just uh what medieval people thought the earth was like pre-columbus or that book on how to bullfight right what torres that book about bullfighting right d? Tora! Tora! Tora! Yeah. It's about Pearl Harbor, too. Yeah.

The straight-to-DVD movie Pearl Harbor 2. Have we discussed how there is a bunch of people that still think the Earth is flat and are dedicated to proving that cause? Flat Earth. They even have their own podcast. Flat Truthers? Flat Earth Society. Flat. Look it up.

Look it up. If I was a flat earther, I would shorten it to flirther. Flirter. Fl truthers. Flat earth society. Look it up. Look it up. If I was a flat earther, I would shorten it to flirther. Flirther. Flirther. You're not going to be able to make that change unless you join up. Maybe I will. Maybe I already am. Flirther me.

I knew it. Okay. Here's a question. Yep. Is the earth flat, Jim Meyer? Oh, absolutely. Wow. Like a pancake.

That's a firther answer. And they also believe that there's no gravity. We're just always moving up. What? What? What do you mean we're moving up? What does that mean? To the east side.

Oh. That was a Firther show. Yeah. In disguise. All of humanity is on its way to a deluxe apartment in the sky. In the sky. And I believe that, like, you know, it's not gravity that's bringing things to the ground. It's the fact that we're moving upward.

All the goddamn time. Yeah, pretty much, unless you're in, I don't know, in space. Although I don't think you believe in space. Yeah, that story checks out. You ever see the thing about, like, you know, they say Kansas is flatter than a pancake or as flat as a pancake? Or my ex-girlfriend. Oh. Zazing.

I need one of the weird sound effects thank you it's this one yeah really uh well they did a study uh-huh where they took a pancake and they like digitally mapped it they moved people from kansas to it and then they blew it up like how big it would be if it was the size of kansas and kansas is like how big it would be if it was the size of Kansas. And Kansas is flatter than the pancake would be if you blew up the pancake the size of Kansas. No way. Yeah. I don't believe it. Alright. A pancake

is... So that means there's like no hills or mountains in Kansas at all. Have you ever looked at a pancake? It's a craterous thing. When you get right down up on it. Yeah, maybe on the molecular level. Cratoris. I'm glad that's where our science dollars are going. I know.

So, hey, Jim, how's cancer going? No, no, no, I'm doing this pancake thing. Kansas. I'm going to figure it out once and for all. Looking for more funding. Oh, you said cancer. Cancer. I thought you said Kansas.

Kansas. Easy mistake. All right. So I'm going to get to that, but first I've got to figure out how to get these pesky seeds out of watermelons. I thought you said Kansas. Kansas. Easy mistake. All right. So I'm going to get to that, but first I've got to figure out how to get these pesky seeds out of watermelons. So that's going to be the next thing that I dedicate science to. Cancer can take a backseat. Oh, man.

Good times, huh? Not a bad place to be in the backseat of a front seat full of watermelons. Wow. I'm just saying watermelons are delicious. Oh, okay. I mean, if I'm going to bemelons are delicious. Oh, okay. I mean, if I'm going to be in a car... Uh-huh. Who you're riding with, they would prefer the watermelon in the front seat over you. Are you hitchhiking?

No, I'm... Science is driving, obviously. We've established that. Okay. The front seat is watermelons. Sure. I guess the... I'm thinking it's a minivan.

Right. Uh-huh. The front seat is watermelons. I guess I'm thinking it's a minivan. I'm in the second row next to Kansas and a pancake. And in the back is Cancer. Cancer's in the back behind the dog gate. He's fucking with everybody. Flipping off truckers and stuff. You let me out, I'll give you this donut. Come on, Cancer. That's not a donut. Come on, Cancer. That's not a donut.

Come on. Not even. That's a crusty old bagel you found at the rest stop. That's a beautiful story. Yeah. One for the ages. Jim. Me.

So you're the best columnist. Uh-huh. What do you think is your best column you've ever written? Oh, God. That would be the ode I i wrote the two of you right i know and i know that's a tough question it's like asking you to choose your favorite scientific watermelon yeah there's a lot i don't know i mean i don't know i don't i don't read them i don't give a shit they're all crap i get to 10 000 words and i hit send on that motherfucker and

get it out of my inbox uh Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you, America. Does it go out past America? This goes to America, right? This is actually bouncing off of satellites and coming back in. The early episodes that we thought were lost, the Martians were not happy. Martians, go to citypaper.com. Go to Spitballin' and read the 70 or 80 columns up there at this point and see what you think is the best.

Okay. That's a weekly column? It's a weekly column. Which was the most popular? Super Bowl column was pretty popular because everybody was looking for Raven stuff. Right. Super Bowl. The sports column.

Did you call it Raven about Ravens? I don't remember. You might want to write that down or uh winning winning super bowls that's so raven i did do that so ravens one there you go i think it might that might have been the super bowl column i definitely did that so ravens yeah right i like it uh yeah i don't remember okay all right people like the one that i did about when i got mugged they like that one oh yeah People like the one that I did about when I got mugged. They like that one. Oh, yeah.

People like the one. They like the funny ones usually. Right. The ones where I almost die and the ravens. That's what people love. I'm going to do parkour in like a week. That's why Edgar Allan Poe is so popular. It's all death and ravens.

The third most popular columnist in Baltimore and I do a podcast together. Oh, yeah. Jim and Joe's top I do a podcast together. Oh, yeah? Jim and Joe's top-rated podcast. Interesting. Top-rated, eh? Yeah. Not according to the City Paper Bowl this year. Oh!

Well, we're not working on a strictly local level. Yeah, if you were talking about the Baltimore podcast. But we're more of a global force. I see. Also, ours are just still on a computer. You're internationally renowned. But by the time people hear this, it'll be up on the network of podcasts. Kids in Sri Lanka are wearing pictures of you in t-shirts.

It's going to be good. Well, tell us about your podcast. That's all. It's just that it's Jim and Joe's Top Rated Podcast, and you can find it at thebackoftheclassboys.com. Well, there certainly must be more to it than that. Backoftheclassguys.com. What do you do? Do you interview?

Do you do skits? Oh, do we? No. We don't do any of those things. Do you do skits? Oh, do we? No, we don't do any of those things. Do you discuss foreign policy? Sometimes, yeah. Do funny things. We're a scent-driven podcast.

We're one of the few podcasts that actually works in different senses than just sound. Really? So we have a scented candle that you can burn along just every week a different scent you have your own yankee candle scent right yeah yeah and so you can burn that and experience what we're experiencing fire of meyer and that's like it's like uh if somebody farted into an axe body spray can kind of smell well eventually we'll have our own dedicated candle and it will we'll call that the kudurna oh i like that and i like that the kudurna burner yeah but if you guys enjoy me here you should check out that podcast as well and then we'll tell people to come to your podcast yeah

you should have us on no synergy ah yeah line it up right i'm it's lined. Okay. All right. And yeah, you're on Twitter. You're at Jimmy Too Bad. Jimmy Too Bad. Are we Twitter friends? Yes. I see your tweets anyway. I don't know if you're Twittering my tweets. I can see your tweet right now.

Oh, you'd need wider eyes. I like it. Did you hear the thing about how men's ball size decides what kind of father they are? Decides what? I didn't realize that. Or correlates. There's a correlation between ball size and fatherhood. The balls tell the brain what to do.

Father of the year. It's been decided by the giant balls. Yeah. Do you have to have big balls to be a good dad? No, it's the opposite. That makes her the council in the first Superman. Guilty. Yeah, little bald dads

care more about their kids. Big bald dads care less about their kids. So it's good for shitheads. It's like, look, it takes a lot of balls to be a dick. Well, aren't people

just with... I mean, people with giant genitalia are probably just more assholes in general, right? Yeah. That's why I'm such a dick.

It's a different... If you're... Evolutionarily speaking, if you have a small dick, you have to kind of be more socially responsible. I don't fucking know, nerd. In my big dick, I have no idea. Just like good-looking

people can get away with you know. Good-looking men have lower sperm count than bad-looking men. Good-looking men. Because they don't have to spread their seed as much? Well, I think nature has figured out that the good-looking men. Good-looking men. Because they don't have to spread their seed as much? Well, I think nature's figured out that the good-looking guy is going to get more opportunity and the bad-looking guy has to make

the best of what he has. It's the same thing with big balls versus little balls. Big balls has a lot more seed and it's going to... The evolutionary strategy seems to be to make as many kids as possible, whereas little ball people have to take care of the ones they make and make sure they make it to adulthood. The nerds and the jocks.

How are your parenting skills? My boy, as far as I know, is eating kibble out of a bucket next to a tire fire right now. Kibble, like organic, like good stuff? I mean, it's from the farm store. Oh, okay. So you're a good dad. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Your royal farm store. Oh, okay. So you're a good dad. Yeah. Oh, okay. Your royal farm store. Oh, okay. Royal. Oh, Mr. Hoity Toity over here. She doesn't talk about his pedestrian farms, but royal farm. And one of those dickheads. I'm giving the kid the best kibble. They're like $11 at 40-pound sack will buy.

Speaking of 40-pound sacks, you probably have one, huh? Which is why you're a bad father. Now, what about that guy that goes on Howard Stern that has the 138-pound sack or whatever? Worst dad ever, right? Probably. Does he really have a sack that big? Yeah. What does he have, like elephantitis?

I'm not sure what he has. His daughter is Miley Cyrus, though. It all makes sense. How does it not, like, stretch his groin apart i i have no idea he uh he wears special pants and the way to cover up his scrotum he just puts a sweatshirt on it so basically like the uh he i think he kind of wears sweatshirts as well but upside down so he puts his legs in the armholes and then the sweatshirt like the body of it his sack goes in there that makes sense yeah you know i was thinking about when korg of the elect tribe goes to the galactic senate all

right yeah well we were all thinking about that but you had to speak on it so go ahead you know his big arch nemesis is uh uh napoleon balls apart what did you say it was it was i think that was napoleon balls apart what did you say something like? I think that was it. Napoleon Bones Apart. What? Did you say something like that? I forget. It took us so long to get back there. Napoleon Boner Part? Didn't you say Bones Apart?

That's what somebody told me. One time, this guy that Josh used to work with and I worked with, Charlie, told this new waitress that I had nicknamed my penis Napoleon Boner Part. I'm sorry. Continue. Oh, no, that was it. I don't think nickname is really Boner Part. I'm sorry. Continue. Oh, no, that was it. I don't think nickname is really... I mean, you named it. It wasn't legally changed. Did it have another name?

Yeah, yeah. Its Christian name was Thomas Edwards. Its slave name. Right, right. You know there's a frog called the scrotum frog? Really? Yeah, I saw it today on the internet. Isn't avocado like the Aztec word for scrotum or something?

Really? There is a very strong connection. I'm busting my avocados over here. That man must have a really big avocado because he is not attending to his child. Did you say Batman must have a big avocado? Jim is not paying attention at all. I'm trying to find an image of the scrotum frog because I sense disbelief. Did you say the Jews caused 9-11?

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Also, Jim's also frantically looking for something our listeners can't see. Well, you guys can look it up. You guys at home can Google, because you're sitting at a computer probably, the scrotum frog. It doesn't look that much like a scrotum. Jim just showed us a picture of his balls that he taped arms to. That one looks kind of scrotum-y. Like if your scrotum had eyes.

You're at 9% battery. Oh, okay. Like there's a scrotum frog. I don't see scr Oh, okay. Like, there's a scrotum frog. I don't see scrotum anywhere. Have you ever seen a scrotum? If this was a magic eye picture, I wouldn't be getting it. You have your eyes crossed. What about this one?

Oh, it's a scrotum. I mean, it's not like a healthy scrotum. It's like a scrotum that clearly needs to be washed. I'm not seeing... Even with the power of suggestion, I am not making scrotum out of that frog. Read my lips. I am not making scrotum out of that frog. Read my lips. I am not making scrotum out of that frog. Six months later after Mike's elected.

I had decided, with the support and helpful consideration, the support of my family, we will be making a scrotum frog. Now, rest assured, rest assured, over much thought and deliberation, it was not easy to come to this conclusion. That's a scrotum frog.

That was a beautiful example of what America's all about. Yeah, scrotum frogs. Yeah, you know? Flip-flopping. Flip-flopping. I don't think flip-flopping is a bad thing. I hate that that's a political no-no. He's a flip-flopper. It's like, oh god, he changed his mind.

What a douchebag. Based on more facts, he's changed his mind. I can't trust him. I was going to go down this alley, but there are four lions in it. Haven't we accepted that there's absolutely no way any candidate is

going to go through with everything that they promise when they get elected yeah like that's never once ever happened it's impossible yeah i saw a political uh not an ad but it was a billboard for somebody i think it was in the philippines and the guy's billboard it's just a picture of his face and he wasn't even really smiling it It's just a really average-looking guy. And it said, it's like, I won't be able to do everything, but I'll try. That's how it should be. It should be more humble and realistic. Oh, man. What was it?

Oh, there was some really terribly good billboard on the way to the beach that appeared to have been written by a foreigner. Or the band Foreigner, perhaps. It was something where it was like, just a picture of somebody smiling, and it was like, I am impressed by this corporation, or something like that. Monsanto completes me.

Thank you. There was one years ago, when we were still afraid of Japan Before we became afraid of China And Russia When I was in college there was one on the eastern shore Somebody bought themselves It was like a billboard

It was a mix between the American flag And the Japanese flag It was like the rising sun but it was like red white and blue And it said AmeriChuko 13th province of Japan Somebody spent their hard earned money that yeah people were scared of that really yeah even after we dropped bombs no not after that was no this wasn't pre-world how old do you think i am i said i was in college well i assumed it was vintage so no no this is like

you're saying people were scared this went up in America in the mid-90s? Yeah. Right, so... Financially. Financially. That was the time when... Oh, like the old Made in Japan type of thing? Well, there's Japanese investments in like when Rockefeller Center got bought out by Japanese investors. Oh, I see. All these American icons were being bought by Japanese investors.

People were like, oh, we're going to... The Tower and Die Hard. Yeah, Nakatomi Plaza. Right. And Pepsi was Pepsi for a while. You guys remember that? I do. That was fucked up.

I do. Oh, boy. Subtle racism. Or overt. Probably overt. Mike, you just got back from the beach. Looking a little tan. Thank you. Looking a little tan. Thank you.

Looking a little cancerous. You're not. How was the beach, sir? It was awesome. Which beach did you go to? I'd rather not say. No, I'm just kidding. Rehoboth.

Ah. Yeah. It was fun. It was fun. Got to see the fam. Yeah. Got to play with the babies. A lot of fucking and sucking going on. Yeah. There Got to see the fam. Yeah. Got to play with the babies.

A lot of fucking and sucking going on. Yeah. There's a lot of that. Yeah. Yeah, it was cool. Got to walk around like the old haunts that I would go to when I was a child and attempt to play the video games. And, you know. The Neo-Nazi Lodge.

Right. Build-A-Bear. Uh-huh. The K.K. Corral. Build-A-Bear and Rojoboth would be very different. Build-A-Berg. Build-A-Bear. Yeah, they have a lot more leather and studs. Don't you guys think it's hilarious how the leather stud look crossed over from gay bars to heavy metal via Rob Halford of Judas Priest.

Is that how that always happened? I believe so. Between those two? I can't say 100% for sure, but I'm fairly certain that's how it happened. They were the first band to introduce that look. Really? What about Motorhead? And the Village People.

Motorhead didn't have that leather stud look so much. Did they? I mean, there were more t-shirts and jeans and cowboy boots. It is pretty funny to look back at old Rob Halpert and see him in this skin-tight leather, and he has a whip, and they're like, he's gay? What the fuck? Are you kidding me? The guy covered in leather and studs.

What's next? Clay Aiken's gay? A comedy friend of mine was live was playing in the town in arizona that rob halpert was living in uh-huh this was before it was commonly known that it was gay he was gay and and rob halpert was at the show at a show and and and and rick was hanging out afterwards and uh uh rick d'alia if you're listening this is your story i'm telling shout out to rick and uh anyway it was a funny story oh and there's some girls who wanted it certainly was now let's move on there's

some girls he was hanging out with and like they wanted him to come home or whatever but rob halpert was there and rob halpert was like come back to my place it's gonna be a party and and so he's like oh when am i gonna get the party with rob halpert metal metal guy so he tells the people at the bar and they kind of like, are you sure? And he's like, yeah, party at fucking Rob Halpert's house. And nobody said anything. And he goes there, and the party is just the two of them. Yeah.

And it starts to get really awkward. Right. And then Rob Halpert's telling him things like, I could do big things for your career. Really? Yeah, which at that point, he probably couldn't have. Right. Because this was before he became kind of famous again. I don't know.

It was that awkward year, that awkward few years for metal there. Where aging metal guys could not help struggling comedians launch their career. But it's a funnier story when Rick tells it. Rick D'Elia, great comedian. So how did the parting, how did it end? I think Rick went back to the hotel or something. With a sore ass? I don't believe so.

And a sore heart. But he had many great jokes. Does he tell that story on stage? Look for Rick D'Elia on the podcast next week. We're going to get it to the bottom of this. He's a good man. Okay. Is he still in Arizona?

He was just telling jokes in Arizona. I think he splits time between L.A. and Vegas, I believe. Oh, interesting. All right. You're still doing the stand-ups, right? You're a busy man because you're teaching now. I teach. I tell the jokes.

I write the rights. What are you teaching? I am teaching composition. Composition. English 101. Really? Yes. How'd you land that?

Well, I'm a professional writer with a master's degree in writing, and they're desperate. And he fucked the dean, right? Oh, that's right. Yeah. So many things. Yeah. I don't know. Well, supposedly it's because of Obamacare. Obamacare got me the job. Right. Well, that makes sense. Thanks,

Obama. Yeah, thanks, Obama. For real. Thank you. Well, but like, apparently, if they kept all these adjuncts, that if they kept them on at four classes, they would have to start giving them health benefits. So all these adjuncts who had been getting four classes got cut back to three classes. So then there were all these extra classes,

so they needed adjuncts. And I'm an adjunct now. But I'm not going to do it again next semester, I don't think. Why not? A lot of work. A lot of work. Not a lot of money. And I have to turn down writing because I'm doing adjunct now, but I'm not going to do it again next semester, I don't think. Why not? A lot of work. A lot of work, not a lot of money. Right.

And I have to turn down writing because I'm doing too much work for school for less money. How's it dealing with these 101 freshman assholes? They're good kids. Yeah? Yeah. Where are we? Essex. Essex.

You know, I think I took that class there years ago. Really? I believe so. I didn't teach it then. No, you did not. I saw Drew Land landry fellow comedian drew landry on campus there was he skulking about he was walking to his class oh which was not my class right oh that's a problem was it awkward no i said hey you pretend not to know each other

neither of us said each other's names i don't think either of us remembered our names immediately right like immediately after i was like oh that was true and i'm sure he was like that old guy hey it's the big guy yeah hey how are you so you have your master's in writing where'd you get that from hopkins really johns yes or jims johns hopkins johns did rob halford get you that rob how i got rob halford his if you know what i'm saying do big things for your composition career you just sharpen the spikes on his leathers. I could also make out with you. I'll show you my metal hammer. So did you play skee-ball?

Uh, no. Uh-oh. Your mic's out, buddy. You kinda? Oh. There you go. My little nef you. You.

Yeah. Nephew, buddy. Dude, and I helped him a little bit, I'll admit. Did you get any 50s? Any hundies? Pretty sure the only woman I hooked up with was in her 60s. Cougars. More like a saber-toothed cat.

Yeah. Oh, boy. Is this this? Mm-hmm. Huh. saber-toothed cat. Woo! Yeah! Oh, boy. Thank you, Korg. No problem. Of the Electribe. I don't speak for Korg. I speak for Korg. Of the Electribe. So what else have you been doing, Jim?

What's going on? You seem stressed about this English teaching. The English teaching is stressing me out. Why? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm constantly figuring it out like hours before I, not even hours. Like today, 22 minutes before class, I had no idea what I was going to teach. Right.

Not even a little bit. So you're not making lesson plans? Show a movie. I'm trying. But I don't know how to make a lesson plan. I mean, it's got to be similar to a stand-up set. Oh, it's extremely... Do your dick jokes.

Well, there's still some dick jokes. Some of the kids there know me from comedy, which is weird. Right. And some of them know me from radio. Right, right. So you do any crowd work or anything? I do some crowd work. I do like, hey, what's going on?

Where are you from? Essex? All right. What are you doing here? English 101? Funny. Me too. How do you know when you're done, dummy?

I don't know what all else tells you. I did call a kid an asshole the first day of class. Like literally an asshole? I called him an asshole the first day of class. He was being an asshole though. Yeah. Like literally an asshole? I called him an asshole first day of class. He was being an asshole, though. Yeah? What did he do? Well, we were talking about writing for audience, or writing for purpose, you know?

It was like anybody written a breakup letter, and this kid said, does a text message count? And I said, a breakup text message's purpose is to prove that you, sir, are an asshole. Oh. And I said, a breakup text message's purpose is to prove that you, sir, are an asshole. And they laughed, and a good time was had by all, and we all agreed he was an asshole. Is he still in the class, or did he drop it? No, he's still in the class. I think he might need to drop the class. Really?

Do you think he would do it via text? I don't care how he drops it. He either needs to drop it or start doing a better job as a junior student. So why don't you work he drops it. He needs to drop it or start a better job. Why don't you work on a lesson plan? I don't understand. Let's work out this lesson plan. Let's figure it out together. Do you guys know how to teach? Sure.

What are we doing? Beowulf? Do it easily. They're working on a personal essay that's due on Friday. Will we read the Crucible here? Bang this out. What's happening? More weight. 500 words.

If you're an asshole, we're out of here. I actually gave them as a reading assignment part of one of their projects. It's something I wrote. I blacked out my name on it and then gave it to them. You're about to say I blacked out. Everybody came back and they all read my book. First assignment, everybody vote for Jim Meyer on citypaper.com, okay? You need to mobilize.

Best columnist. Okay, so what'd they say? Did that hurt when they're like, this guy, I don't understand his prose. He's all over the place. Well, no, I had a whole lesson plan for all three of my classes about them hating it. Like, somebody would hate it. Like, I was banking that someone would hate it. And then none of them fucking hated it.

And then I had nothing to talk about. So you didn't know how to feel. I was like, I was basically, I realized later that this is like a serious emotional issue that I have. I was about to say, not enough people hate me. There's some psychological stuff going on here. I brought it specifically. I'm sure there's plenty of people that hate you, Jim.

They just weren't in their class at the time. It's quite, it's quite, no, you know, maybe. People hate, people hate. People do hate. So, but what was, so you're like, okay, day one, introduction, ask them to read my article. Day two, tell them to fuck themselves. I'm a good guy. Day three, back rub. I'm a good guy. Day three,

back rub. I'm a good father. My balls can be seen with a microscope. I'm a great dad. Why were you banking on them hating you? I just thought some,

because they hate everything I've given them to read. Okay. Somebody hates everything. Like most of them hate everything that I've given them to read. Yeah.

Even the stuff I thought they would love, most of them have hated. What did you give them? What did they read? I gave them some David Sedaris. They hated that. Really?

I gave them some Hemingway. I knew they'd hate that, but they hated that. I gave them this sci-fi story. I gave them some Octavia Butler. I gave them, you know, whatever. I gave them a couple choices we're going to do my reading list so far for the semester no I'm just curious

what about hatchet is that like some sort of 70s give him hatchet I'll give him the hatchet give them hatchet it's Korg again you guys hate all this stuff why don't you read something from this asshole and they're like oh it's pretty good and you're like fuck people like hate all this stuff. Why don't you read something from this asshole?

And they're like, oh, it's pretty good. And you're like, fuck, people like me. What am I going to do now? Yeah, it ruined my self-image as one worthy of loathsomeness. Oh. Man, I wish I was like that smiling fella in the leather jacket on the wall thinking about World War II, piston engine, fighter planes, and the California coast and yep my thin lip smile and we're sitting here like oh that guy yeah he's got it going on he looks like remember the

show wings you ever see that show yeah it's like you should be on spin off of uh something right i don't know if it's a spin-off but it came no it came on right after uh cheers and i think that one of the cheers people might have flown through their airport or something crossover mm-hmm we know wings was about an airport yeah on this little island okay and I remember seeing ads for and stuff I never actually watched you know wings is famous for revolutionizing the intro song for sitcoms because they had a traditional like you know these have Gilligan's Island do the whole fucking thing,

or Cheers. The entire story. When you're flying high and you don't know why the sun is shining bright. So get your wings, come and fly right on through the night.

It's wings. Wings. Sky kings. night it's wings wings sky kings with the wings that's probably like how the original one went yeah it was like that okay but like four and a half hours long and they were losing the audience from cheer so then they switched it to like a literally like a five second intro and then went straight into the show and then people didn't have time to change the channel, and they were hooked on the show. Right. And that's why shows got shorter songs.

That's why heroin dealers stopped putting songs at the beginning of their heroin. You'll get hooked. Be sucking dick for more of this. That kind of thing. Much dick for this. That was the scaled down version yeah when they had to make up more time and less commercials yeah okay so these uh these kids hated you they hated me but they didn't hate them but they love you now they love me oh they carried me you don't know what to do with this love i don't know what to do with the love. Just embrace it. Yeah. How about that, huh?

I'm still not hooked up with any of the students, so that embracing seems like a bad, like a gateway drug. Right. To what? Not hating yourself? No, to hooking up with a student. Oh, well, we just had Jay Zek on the podcast, and he said we grilled him pretty good, mostly Mike.

He didn't want to talk about it. So we talked about it pretty much the entire time. The entire time. Mike's like, you ever find any of the girls attractive? And what did he keep saying? No. No, he goes, I don't think about it like that. He's like, yeah, but you don't think about it like that.

But are you attracted to them? He just kept asking. He's like, well, so you're overcompensating for it. But his ultimate answer was, I haven't seen one good-looking enough to throw away my marriage and my career. Have you run into that? But Jim is dealing with a completely different set of steak knives here. Oh, some big, thick steak knives. He's on the complete opposite side of the...

Well, these kids are all legal. Right, exactly. That's what I'm saying. He's on the other side of the Berlin Wall. I'm sure that CCBC frowns upon fucking the student body. I would probably lose my job. Really?

I don't know. I mean, I'd certainly lose my marriage. It happens pretty frequently. I don't think you can at least be open about it. Legally, I don't even think they could take away your marriage. I think my wife could succeed. But also, I'm 40 years old i'm more than double the age most of these kids right and they just look like kids yeah yeah i'm starting to get

to that age too yeah so it's even harder incredibly sexy kids yeah just the most oh banging children you know what i mean no oh i know what you mean we're talking uh noun or verb you talk bagging children welcome back to banging children. You know what I mean? No. Oh, I know what you mean. Are we talking noun or verb? You talk banging children. Welcome back to banging children. Hi, I'm Josh Coterno. Trash Coterno. And I'm Tommy Sambazo.

We love banging kids. That's all the time we have for this week. Oh, and then the other podcast, Meanwhile at the Skull Base, is happening. Oh, yeah. We're on that together. I know. I haven't done it yet, but I'm excited to do it.

You were at the first episode. Is that up on the internets for everybody? I don't think. The whole network hasn't launched yet. That's also part of the back of the class guys. Oh, what is this back of the class thing? You said that was the network your podcast is on. Greg Hood, who's a local radio producer, got some funding and is putting together this podcast network.

And at launch, I think there are like eight podcasts that are going to be on the network. Sarah Simington, who owns the Blue Moon Cafe, has got one called What's in My Mouth or something like that. And it's about food. Oh. And Baltimore Colts legend Tom Maddy has one about football. Okay. And which Colts was he involved with? Baltimore Colts. Several Baltimore Colts.

Any of these satanic? Colts. C-O-L-T-S. Right. Yes. Right. Okay. So satanic or not? Satanic Colts. Okay. Yeah. That's whyT-S. Right. Yes. Right. Okay. So satanic or not?

Satanic cults. Okay. Yeah. That's why they left Baltimore. Yeah. The devil lives in Indianapolis. Mm-hmm. And they wanted to be cults.

Everybody knows that. No. Have you been there? Yeah. It's Minneapolis. Back of the class. Not Minneapolis. Indianapolis.

That's what I said. Indianapolis. That's what I said. Minneapolis. Minneapolis is a smaller version of Indianapolis. Yes. The devil's nephew. It was originally mini Indianapolis and they cut out the Indy when they got corporate funding. Yeah, just Mindy Annapolis.

Right. Who's Mindy? Who is Mindy? Can we rename your podcast Who's Mindy? Welcome back to Who's Mindy, where each week we try to get to the questions. Who's Mindy? Why don't we text professor griff mike's doing a call back to we used to ask the guy from public enemy nope not that button jim that button i didn't know it'd switch because of the color

okay you're racist that's what you're gonna blame it on yes that's why you couldn't see the right button you know when I realized I'm racist today? Yeah. You know when today I realized I'm racist? Like, I realized I'm racist often. Stop looking at this wetback, and thanks to myself. I might be a racist. No.

Okay, so I finally graded all my students' papers, and I was taking them back. You graded all my cheese. Sorry. I don't know why. I was grading my best student right my best student the kid i was sure was my best student the text guy i realized hadn't turned in any of the three major assignments they've had so far no shit and that student was asian and i realized yeah she's an asian girl wearing glasses or sits in the front row and And I just assumed she was a great student. Dude, I swear, when I take classes online, my grades are not

as good as when I'm there because they see me wearing glasses. Wow. Yeah. Now, if she did turn in mediocre paper, do you think you'd make it a good one? Just like Mike's saying, you give her more credit. Oh, you're Asian. You probably meant this.

You meant it. Yeah. Probably I would. Okay. A report on run, dog, run. Guys, these are going to be going through a bell curve. If you're African-American, you're going to be 12 points low. This analysis of Goodnight Moon is the greatest 10 words I've ever read

It's beautiful And by the way, if anyone from the Institution where I work is listening I'm not actually grading on a bell curve No, no It's just that you subscribe to the book, the bell curve Yes, I subscribe to the book Regularly

You're so into it that you need a copy delivered every month Every month Because I use it for everything Table's a little wobbly, put the bell curve in there regularly. You're so into it that you need a copy delivered every month. Because I use it for everything. Table's a little wobbly, put the bell curve in there. I need something to hit the neighbor's dog with, bell curve. Light reading. You also get the magazine Bell Curve Fancy.

Ulysses, by the way. You didn't let me finish. I couldn't think of that name. I was thinking light reading and then I was going to say Ulysses but then I couldn't remember the name Ulysses. And you mean light reading like racist reading. Yes, light racism. Light racist reading. Well, my heavy racist reading obviously I'll get into

Mein Kampf. Yeah, your Kampf. The Turner Diaries. And Old Yeller. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Those kind of things. Yeah, Old Yeller was pretty anti-Asian. That's where the Yeller. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Those kind of things. Yeah, Old Yeller was pretty anti-Asian. That's where the yeller part... Yeah.

Right, right. And ageist, too. Ageist. Yeah, ageist and Asianist. Man, ageist. Yeah. Look at Bender's giant head over there. You're just going to point out everything in the room?

Oh, man, a wax figurine of Whoope Goldberg looks well-worn what a glory hole over there Jeff so I've been teaching been to a place with an actual glory? I've never been to Mike Moran's house, though. No, not that I'm aware of. What about you? Did I finish that? Jim Myers is shaking his head. Dude, that would be a really funny prank to set up a hidden camera in a bathroom

stall and just have a fake penis sticking through a story hole. See what happens. See what they do. Little help? Just do it in the changing room at Macy's in Towson. Got any toilet paper in there?

Please. Anyone know where I can get a guy to install a good Gloria? You keep moving your microphone. Mike Moran. Mike Moran. Microphone Moran. So, Jim, what's the place that you went to that had a glory hole?

I've never been any place with a glory hole. I don't believe that. I probably have. Besides your classroom, where else are there glory holes? I don't believe that. I probably have, but... Besides your classroom, where else are there glory holes? I don't know. Okay. Do you think glory holes really exist, or is it just... Sure.

Somewhere. I mean, even if they didn't before, they do now. Right. Yeah, rest stops. You know, truckers be fucking... Why would you need a glory hole for that, though? You know, some truckers are pretty twisted. Makes it not gay.

Yeah, the wall in between. You don't see. But if I wanted, like, a girl to S my D, I'd want to see her more so than, well, I guess it depends on who it is. Somebody blasting hip-hop hooray outside of your door. Somebody is blasting, I think from their card, Naughty by Nature's hip-hop hooray. What? That's what happens in this neighborhood. You mention glory holes, Naughty by Nature's don't.

Well, yeah. I mean, it's OPP. Just cause and effect. Other people's pussies. Yeah, no glory holes. How do you rearrange the letters in Naughty by Nature? It doesn't spell glory hole, which is not a coincidence. Interesting.

My driving instructor, when I went to the driver's ed thing that you have to go to in the state of Maryland to get your license. You mean driver's ed? Yeah. That's it. Right. He said he worked in a... Is there like an entire car show? Is there like a...

Are they shooting a rap video from 1993 outside of your house? For those of you listening at home, there's people honking, yelling, and blasting naughty by nature outside. I'm willing to bet there's a bouncing car with a girl's ass hanging off the side too. I have no idea. I think a drug deal is happening i think i just see my neighbors burn their house down least secret deal in history you guys both live here

did you guys see that no i saw you posted that on facebook i don't live here everybody assumes that like me and josh lived together like you used to live over near me i live in remington now i lived on keswick for a while. Yeah. Well, we're all near each other. But not near enough. And I live on a fairly important thoroughfare in the neighborhood. Right. And one of my neighbors burned their house down.

Meth lab? Not a lab. Yeah, lab's probably a little too sophisticated of a word. They were using drugs, but I'm not sure which drugs and they burned their house down. Right. Might even just be falling asleep with a cigarette, huh? Yeah, I guess they were kind of on the nod, I think. Maybe they were hallucinating

that they were Gene Simmons. We've all been there. Yeah. I mean, I'm not standing in judgment. No. I'm just saying, you know. Peter Chris is probably a little right well sorry he who has not hallucinated gene simmons cast a right yeah that is one of my favorite bible passages absolutely absolutely right after the one about the moon

i like we got up white they're just singing it white white people are going crazy outside i don't know if you guys can hear this but but they are singing hey-ho. We're hearing hey-ho. Now Munza's joining in. I was just reading about Naughty by Nature the other day, too. What about him? Tretch? Is that the fellow's name?

What's he up to? I think the group's still together. Okay. That was the whitest conversation. I was reading an article about Naughty by Nature. What kind of dog is Munza? Munza is a... We don't know for sure, actually.

She may not even be a dog. She may be a lizard. I think she's a testicle frog or whatever you showed us earlier. An avocado frog. Avocado balls. She is a border collie black lab mix, we think. That's a good mix. Yeah, she's a good dog.

Oh, but what I was going to say about my driver's ed teacher, he worked in a toll booth for a while, and he said that an inordinate amount of truckers were cross-dressers. Really? Because they would have to open the door to give the money because they're so high up. He said they would open the door and they would just be in full drag. Really? Yeah.

Weird. Yeah. Well, trucker is a weird profession. Why would they drive around in drag? They just get... Well, they like dressing in drag. Uh-huh. That's what they're doing all day.

So people that dress in drag just like to dress in... Like, they're not necessarily going out to be seen and to, like, gallivant. Well, there's Eddie Izzard, the comedian who likes to he's a transvestite right there's violet gray right violet gray but does violet sit around at home dressed up like that without any social interaction maybe i mean well the the trucker is yeah i don't know to be a trucker you have to be pretty weird, I think. You're spending a lot of time alone just driving by yourself. So you're going to go a little nutty. Not to say that people like to wear dresses are nutty.

Oh, boy. But if you like wearing dresses and you're not dealing with it well, you might find yourself driving a truck. Thank you, Jim. Thank you. Continue texting. Maybe it's one of those manly professions that you take on to overcompensate for your feminine. Right, right. Because there is nothing more manly than sitting in a...

That's a pretty manly profession, Jim. Come on. Truck driver? Mm-hmm. That's true. Oh, yeah. How many truckers would you want to get in a fight with? 11.

Yeah, exactly. Out of hundreds of thousands. No, at the same time, I'd like to fight 11 truckers. Right. Yeah, but you also like self-flagellation, and you're upset when your class didn't hate you. That's true. I think I could tell. They're all flabby from sitting in a truck for hours and hours a day.

Yeah. They're riddled with, their bones are brittle. Right. All they drink is, they just eat speed and drink Pepsi Cola. Right. And chew tobacco. Right. But they probably grew up on a dirt farm with their dad beating them with a belt every day

so that they'd be- So they'll be used to the beating they're going to get. Right, exactly. They'll be able to take it. It's got cathartic for Mike Moran for a second there. By trying the best they can. They'll be able to take it. It's got cathartic for Mike Moran for a second there. By trying the best they can. They have glasses. I think they can actually remove their mutton chops, too, and use them like boomerangs.

Whoa. Mutton chops? Where do your stereotypes of truckers come from? What are you talking about? Truckers are always... They're arm guarders. They're mutton chops. They've always got ridiculous facial hair, like the bulldog freaking mustache beard combo or whatever.

Do you know what a truck is? It's the third planet from the sun, correct? That's correct. Are we the third planet from the sun? Yeah, we are. Third rock from the sun, which is our sponsor for the show. Although that's not counting mini planets. Mini planets.

Dwarf planets. Dwarfs. There's a whole planet full of dwarves? Yep, that's where we send them. That's where we send them. So what does this podcast sound like once it's been edited and the laugh track's been added? You ever seen the show Wings? I have.

Sounds nothing like that. Oh, shit. Yeah. You ever heard the band Wings? I have. Sounds nothing like that. Oh, shit. Yeah. You ever heard the band Wings? I have. It sounds nothing like that. Have you ever eaten wings? I have.

Sounds just like that. Just like that. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit more treble. A little more hot sauce. Yeah. Let's see.

I'm trying to think here. You never told me about the interview with that guy. Jean-Michel Cousteau? That guy. How'd it go? It was fine. All right. All right.

We talked about the ocean seas. What did he say? Anything interesting? Oh, so many interesting things. I called him because I'm working on a story about dead zones, and I wanted to find somebody who's been in a dead zone. You should talk to Michael C. Hall. Christopher Walken.

Okay. And so I wanted him to talk about swimming. Anthony Michael Hall? Sure. I said the guy from Dexter, I'm pretty sure. He's good. Dexter's a hit and miss show. Yeah.

I stopped watching but sorry go ahead uh yeah uh i wanted to find somebody who could talk to me about what it's like to swim through a dead zone right what is a dead zone there are areas in the ocean dealing with hypoxia he's just swimming he's like oh i have no cell reception here well the chesapeake has a lot of them too, seasonally. It's basically an area in the water where there's no oxygen. There's no living

creatures. Is that because of pollution? That sounds awesome. Does that happen naturally? Both, but there's a big increase in that because of pollution. Isn't like 90 million percent of the bay dead? No. Okay okay it's not even a real legitimate so there's so it's so so you got nothing but but sand and water is what you're

saying basically in these areas uh well yeah yeah yeah just like a lot of algae a lot of times there'll be algae blooms right and there and there's a bunch of... Well, then there is something living. Yeah, yeah. So algae... But just the crappy stuff. Just the crappy stuff. No fish, no plants. Right. Right, there's like a couple hippies playing hacky sack because it's a Grateful Dead song.

Yeah, there's a few squatters. Mm-hmm. Tumbleweeds for some reason. Right, yeah. Acid. Acid, yeah. A lot of broken needles on the ground. He's just swimming through acid wash jeans.

Who put these here? But he didn't really talk about it. There's like a church that used to be a 7-eleven yeah just dead so he didn't talk about it i kept telling trying to get him to just talk about what it was like to swim through one like i i did many times to the dead zones what's that like and then he would tell me some other story they're interesting stories but none of them we kept wanting to talk about this thing in florida which is cool he's 76 you know really yeah how'd you interview on phone or yeah over the phone skype on the phone he just kept talking about frozen yogurt and his favorite stories for some reason yeah exactly i remember a time

well i think he's on the i think he's working for this company, and he kept trying to talk about how great it is for cleaning up the ocean. Oh, okay. It became like this weird cell. He thought they were listening. He sang you the theme song and everything. Yeah. Yeah, his theme song was great.

It was a lot longer, and then he realized he was losing listeners from my last interview. When did his father die? 90s? Okay. Which is a fucked up story. His dad at one point sued him. Really? For using the name Cousteau.

Really? Why? I don't know. One of those family things, you know? People get weird. Right. Yeah. That's always...

That is always... I didn't ask him about his dad. Bizarre. Family members sue family members. Speaking of dead zones, your dad's dead, right? Yeah. And he sued you. You know how the only reason I'm talking to you is because your dad did awesome stuff?

Let's talk about that. That's a good transition. He used to have a really cool boat. Did you ever watch the later years of the Jacques Cousteau specials? I never watched a single one of my life. Oh, my God. He didn't have the Calypso anymore. He had this boat called the Halcyon, which was cool as shit.

It was like a big fucking catamaran. And instead of like a regular sail, it had this big shaft that ran through the middle like a giant cock. Right. It was called a turbosail. And it was like this rotating shaft. And the wind could blow in and spin a turbine. Oh, it was neat. Oh, boy.

It was neat. Did he have any shark adventures? Did he ever fight a shark Like a hammerhead Oh all the time He was fighting one When I talked to him For a Danish You give me that Danish

That's an amazing French accent I'll get you kicked Out of this retirement Community you hammerhead Son of a bitch And Josh's Ugly racist side

Finally comes out I should have Kicked your ass When I was on the Indianapolis. Nice reference. I will not apologize for hating hammerheads. They're horrible. And by the way, when Josh says hammerheads, that is code for black people. I do feel like that is a little...

That is an offensive term to the shark, isn't it? What? A hammerhead? What's that? It's like calling somebody a little... That is an offensive term to the shark, isn't it? What? A hammerhead? What's that? It's like calling somebody a redskin. No. There's an actual hammerhead shark. I got a head shaped like a hammerhead.

Josh, it's really offensive that you keep using this racial slur. It's not. No. No, I'm just saying within the shark community, that's probably like a sensitive term to be using. But no, there are hammerheads. Hey, we're all just sharks, man. Yeah, there's also zip faces and wops.

Oh, yeah. Well, there's the wop shark. All right. I don't think that you guys can be using such terms. No, I'm just using them to point out Josh's incredible racism. Ignorance. Look at his incredible racism.

The hammerhead. I always wanted to do a bit about about a bad racist somebody's just like i've got a cousin who's really bad racism by that i mean he's just really bad at it yeah like he's got all the wrong stereotypes like those damn mexicans coming up here and making all the falafel you know like that just and it doesn't even taste that good yeah the falafel. I wish these darn Puerto Ricans would stop eating swimmers in the water. What they did to those boys in the Indianapolis is unforgivable.

You mean the mini-Indianapolis? Mini-Indianapolis. Yes. I was thinking of trying to do a bit. I don't know if it would be funny, but it's Andrew Dice Clay. He's good. Recast in different movies.

Because since he's in the Blue Jasmine movie. I have three so far. The first one would be seven, Which isn't that good But it's just him at the end as Brad Pitt's character What's in the box? Okay The second one I think I posted this on Facebook

Is him in Silence of the Lambs A disk in a task And it puts the lotion in the basket You fat fucking hooah The last one is Forrest Gump It puts the lotion in the basket, you fat fucking hoo-ah. The last one is Forrest Gump. I may not know what love is, but at least I don't have AIDS, you hoo-ah. That's pretty solid.

Thank you. What about WALL-E? Okay. What about The Bear? What's The Bear? Do you remember The Bear, Jess? Yeah, it's like Alec Baldwin in a in a forest no no you're thinking of uh that's that movie where they like have to fight a bear yeah yeah that's something else that's a good movie the bear came out when i was in like second grade and it was just a bear like it was

the life of a bear it followed a bear around okay i swear it was like a disney movie or something it wasn't a documentary it's an actual story about a bear okay so and at one point he hallucinates you know it's 9 13 today right uh it's uh 11 year 12 years uh-huh and a couple days after the events of 9 11 and i remember that night i was in canada or i was in alaska we drove into canada or from canada into alaska and we were at the sergeant preston of the yukon hotel and we were watching tv and they only had a couple channels and it was a disney movie about uh a bear and a raccoon who were friends that's my 9-11 story was it a cartoon no it's a live action story about a bear and a raccoon well maybe maybe it was the bear.

And I looked at that as hope for the world. I was like, if a bear and a raccoon can be friends, maybe we and the terrorists can, you know. Oh, so you're saying you're a friend of the terrorists. No, I said maybe, yes. No, not like good friends. A friend of raccoons and a friend of terrorists. Did the bear negotiate with the raccoon at any point? Right.

Because we don't negotiate with raccoons. That's true. We're hammerheads. Right. Whoa, Jim, I don't think you can be saying that term. All right? My mother was a hammerhead. Some of my best friends are hammerheads.

Mike, where are you on 9-11? I'm just asking. Not for the government or anything. I was in a hotel room, weirdly. Really? Yeah. Well, my dad and I, I was living with my dad at the time. That was a school day, Michael.

That was a school day. No, I was like 18 or 19. Oh, okay. Yeah. I was living with my dad at the time, and we had to stay in a hotel while his new house was being finished. Okay. Because he had rented a place before that, and there was just a little lapse in time yeah and um yeah so he he called and i hadn't woken up he called and told

me wow then i went to my job at a movie theater and i think they ended up closing or maybe they just cut me right i went home and i couldn't use my credit card i remember that or my bank card i went i tried to buy a sub from sheets we. And we were like, ah, Sheetz. That was my one-year anniversary for starting stand-up. Right. Nobody cared. Two national tragedies. No, no.

No. And we were camped in the Yukon. And in the middle of the morning, it know it was early early early there yeah these uh native guys these first nations guys come through in a truck and they start screaming we're under attack we're under attack we're like what the fuck we're literally just waking up to these and so you're looking up for a giant i'm like coming out of my tent in the middle of the fucking yukon and this like truck is barreling through and there through and these native guys slow down and they're like we're under attack, we're under attack

New York's gone, DC's gone and we're like what the fuck it was really crazy they just woke up and they were gone where'd they go? there's a David Lynch film for you it was weird and we could only get a tribal radio station which was weird

tribal? so were they like yeah get a tribal radio station, which was weird. Tribal? Yeah. So were they like, yeah. No, the tribal radio, they were met with so many. All tribal people are anti-American. I would be if I was Native American. But these aren't Native Americans. We're in Canada. First Nations.

Well, doesn't that make them Native American? No, it makes them First Nations. What's the difference? Canadian natives prefer to be called First Nations. But they're still Native American? No, make them First Nations. What's the difference? Canadian natives prefer to be called First Nations. But they're still Native American technically. Native Americans prefer to be called Native American Indians.

No, they prefer to be called Indian people. That's what I heard last. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be called a Native American. Why not? Because this wasn't America to them. Well, it certainly wasn't India. Well, I don't know. I wouldn't want to be called a Native American. Why not? Because this wasn't America to them. Well, it certainly wasn't India. Well, I don't know. I wouldn't like either. Right.

Don't you have a joke about that? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to do it tomorrow, actually. Oh, yeah? Where at? The Otto Bar upstairs. Oh, that's right. That's right.

Should be a fun show. The second Saturday shit show. This will... Tommy Zimbazo's birthday. Oh, nice. This will come out after that, so. Ah, crap. Great job, man.

Good job with that show. Did great. Thank you. I'm going to be doing a show on the 27th. It wasn't my best, but it was great. It was going to be on before the 27th? Yeah. Yeah.

I got a show on the 27th of September. This will be on before February 27th. Okay, well, then it's not helpful to me. Unless it's also on before September 27th. Yeah, it'll be on before february 27th okay well then it's not helpful to me or unless it's also on before september 27th yeah it'll be on before then we're doing a show then it's going on a show right here in hamden at the american legion hall oh really oh boy a lot of great comics will be there yeah like whom like myself yep i don't know anybody else but you know they're great? All the greats. All the greats are going to be there.

So good. I heard Josh is going to be there. Well, I'm a member of the VFW, so they pretty much had to let me be there. You're shooing. I was going to ask Mike Moran if he wanted to do it. Well, why didn't you? Mike, do you want to do a comedy show on the 27th at American Legion Hall right up the street here? I think so.

That is a busy time for me. You got that Polaroid Rage show, though, maybe? Oh, right. Sorry, can't do it. Can't do it. Thank you for asking. Mike Moran won't do the next one. Okay. If you're lucky. Nick, that guy Nick. Oldershaw? No, the other one.

Backstreet Boy? Yes. Carter? Nick Carter. What's Nick Oldershaw look like? Did he live in Texas for a long time doing comedy? No. Nick Mullen? Nick Mullen. Yeah.

He's going to be there. Funny fella. Funny fella myself. Yep. Umar Khan. Khan. I just watched the recent Star Trek. Would you like Star Trek?

Yeah, it was awesome. I still haven't seen it. I didn't like it. I liked the first one. I heard it wasn't as good as the first one. I liked it a lot. You didn't like it? I didn't like it. I liked the first one. I heard it wasn't as good as the first one. I liked it a lot. You didn't like it? I didn't like it.

Why come? It didn't have triples. It did. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I think there were probably. Yeah.

There's triples in it? Yeah. Really? Yeah. They play kind of an integral role, actually. A small but integral role. I'm not familiar with all the old Star Treks, so it's all new to me and I enjoyed it.

I thought the first movie did a good job of establishing a connection to the original Trek universe, but severing it too. Right, right, yeah. And setting up it as its own thing. And I thought it was really smart and did some cool stuff.

And this one was just a pathetic homage to Rat the Con. did some cool stuff and this one was just a pathetic homage to to wrath of khan like right it was like you know shot by shot turn by turn really referencing it and then you know and it didn't it didn't work for me yeah i haven't seen the original wrath of khan i thought it was pretty cool though when that guy turned out to be khan yeah benedict spoiler alert and then uh yeah when uh william shatner was a ghost the whole time yeah that who knew that was something right uh yeah i'm uh i'm doing uh hamden fest tomorrow i don't remember asking but okay yeah yeah you're doing the stand-ups another stand-up at hamden fest yeah Yeah. Where? The Atomic Stage at

36 and Falls. Who put that together? I think Ben O'Brien. I think it might be a Wham City thing. I don't know. So it'll be mostly not funny? Yeah, like I'm doing it. I said mostly not funny. No, it should be good.

It's me, Mike Fonazzo, Umar, Justin Hancock, and another guy named reggie i don't know but apparently he's a funny guy but uh no it's taking place it's a perfect environment for comedy it's uh outside yeah i did it last year i love doing comedy at hamden fest it's uh starts at 11 30 or 11 40 so okay, okay. 1140. Sounds like 1130. Good luck with that. Yeah.

I'm kind of nervous about it. The last time... Oh, yeah. You'll kill it. You think so? Yeah. Well, but how does it work, though? Because you did it. It seemed really tough

because it's very transient. People are just walking by. But Umar apparently did well, which... So maybe it was just me. No. I think you can get people to stop and pay attention, but it's tough to be like I think I did actually kind of suck that day

Looking back Can I give you my suggestions for playing a room like that? Or an outdoor event like that? Is yell, even though you're on a mic Yell, talk quickly And another thing about hammerheads And single people out no and single people out okay uh like all single people out couples only you guys remember the show singled out this guy

do you remember yeah i don't know it works man it works for me i can round so do you think it's it's more of like a crowd work kind of thing? You can still do material, but like, you know, like address your jokes to individuals. Especially if you see like one person in a group start to talk to other people. Like, hey, you, you get that person and keep them locked up. And most people will like pay attention to you when you're talking directly to them. Gotcha. I don't know. I'm sorry, what?

But also you got to change your expectations. Yes. Like, you know, like, I don't know. I think those kind of shows are them. Gotcha. I don't know. I'm sorry, what? But also you've got to change your expectations. Yes. Like, you know, like, I don't know. I think those kind of shows are fun. Okay. Yeah, I'm excited to do it. Don't be nervous. I mean, if nobody pays attention, then who cares?

Yeah. It's just like. Yeah. And, yeah, I can literally walk right up there, so no big deal. It's not like I have to drive an hour and then drive back. Yeah. I'm judging the hand and idle thing. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, the karaoke thing, right? What time is that? Four. Four. Okay. All right. That should be good. What's the prize of that?

What's going on here? Fuck if I know. Just a bunch of drunk people singing karaoke? Yeah, it's been a kind of thing. I think they get a lot of turnout. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

I had comic books going up on all the different stages like four or five years ago between things and I ended up getting in a yelling match with the woman who runs Breathe Books which is a meditation center and like a total like zen hippie kind of thing yeah and she was a cunt she was an absolute cunt like I was on stage

and there was like the end of the night I've been going stage to stage to stage and there's only like maybe 20 people left and they're laughing and they're all spread out and i'm like and she comes out and she's just like walked up to the sound man like all right all right this is done it's done not and i was like excuse me and so i was like yelling at her and uh just saying she was bitter because she's old and her ovaries were dried up and barren. But it's funny. I got my column at the City Paper partly because of that.

Years later, one of the editors there remembered he was one of the 20 people in the crowd and thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. Wow. And calling this old lady, well, she's not even old. She's like my age now. Yeah. But just talking about her dried, barrett ovaries got me to my column. Just goes to show you. You never know.

So, yeah. Always bring your A-list material because you never know who's in the audience. Any aspiring columnists out there. Yeah. Just go to Breathe Books. Insult somebody. Ask for the owner. Call her. Just go to Breathe Books. Ask for the owner. Call her a cunt. Just really tear her a new one.

Just really as filthy and personal as you can make it. Right. And you, too, can have a column in the city paper. Sure. Yeah. Probably mine. We need the next young hot guy that verbally abused the Breathe Books woman. Jim, you dried up.

Like that cunt's over. All right. Let's wrap this up. I've got to get some sleep. Let's do it. Let's wrap this whole thingy up. Jim, thanks so much for joining us. Oh, thanks for having me, Jim.

It was a lot of fun. Yeah, I'm glad you came back. Oh, well. I hope to have you on again. And thank you for having me, Jim. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, I'm glad you came back. Oh. I hope to have you on again, and thank you for promoting the podcast as well during the voting.

It was very nice. Yeah, thank you. I believe in what you guys are doing. Oh, thank you, sir. And I'll see you the 27th at the VFW in Hamden.

Perhaps even on the streets tomorrow of Hamden Fest. Oh, indeed, indeed. I'll bring my dog to heckle you. That would be fun. It's like, oh, oh. Everybody's laughing. They're like, you, indeed, indeed. I'll bring my dog to heckle you. That would be fun. It's like, oh, oh.

Everybody's laughing. They're like, you're right, dog. Very wry. Okay, so, yeah, follow us on Twitter, at Jimmy Too Bad for Jim Meyer. That's me. With a number two. The number two.

J-I-M-M-Y, the number two B-A-D. There it is. Right. And Michael Moran is at Michael Moran 10. You heard it. Can I plug one more thing? No, I don't think so. And I'm at Better Robot Josh.

Go ahead, Jim. Oh, sorry, the Forestry Board. Baltimore City Forestry Board on Facebook. Please like us. Okay. What do you got going on? What is that? Yeah.

We speak for the trees. We are a quasi-state organization. Our expressed goal is to get Baltimore's tree canopy up to 40%. Nice. We're at 23% now. It's a health issue. Yeah. Human issue. Provides safer, happier neighborhoods.

And we're doing our best. And I am the editor of the website and Facebook page and all kinds of stuff. I love the comparisons there it's like this woman that runs that zen shop's a cunt we need more trees he has the complexity of a mike turpin yeah yes i'm like an old withered up like i'm like mike wow isn't that it's repetitive, isn't it? I like to reinforce truths.

Thanks so much, Jim. Check out... forestryboard.org and digressionsessions.com for all our episodes and digressionsessions.com slash calendar so you can come see us do some improv and stand up live. Thank you, guys.

We love you. I love you. Bye. you