The Digression Sessions - Ep. 93 - Josh & Mike Solo! (BIG BROTHER)

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod And come see us do improv and stand up live – DigressionSessions.com/Calendar This week on Digression Sessions Podcast we got 80% soul and 20% Oh! That’s right, it’s another solo ep. And by solo we mean both Josh and Mike. In this ep, the boys get caught up on the current events of their respective (if not respectable) day to day existences. And for some reason Mike thinks the idea of a leaky testicle sounding like oil dripping onto metal is the funniest thing he’s ever heard in his life. Other topics this week include Josh’s recent first contact with a long lost half-brother (for real), the debatable rudeness of store employees assuming you’re unemployed (and perhaps unemployable), and doing standup in rooms nearly void of all but the elderly, an experience both Mike and Josh weirdly had separately this week. Oh and don’t worry normal people, they boys discuss this weather. Have you seen this weather?! As always Josh and Mike had a great time catching up with a no-guest episode, and it appears listeners are enjoying them as well! Please put a comment or two on the Facebook page or on iTunes Dig Heads! And why not go ahead and subscribe to Digression Sessions on Stitcher or iTunes? Thanks as always everyone! We love you! If you like someone, tell somebody. Love you!    

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week. Gonna rap? Dig just potting. We're not lying. We're so unbidden lying. Where you hiding? We found your ass and we killed you. Yeah, we did. USA!

Loaded up the bullets and we filled you with lead. You're dead. Bullet in your head. Now your white robes turned red. Zero dark 30. We're getting dirty.

I don't want a birdie. Thought she was tight with that 9-11. but I sent your ass to the Muslim Virgin Heaven. Hope you're having fun. Not. Say hi to Paul Pott. Not sure if he's dead, but I'm pretty sure he is. All right. What do we got here? What do we got here?

What do we got here? Okay. Let's see here. Let's see. Okay, everything's good here. The Dig Sesh ladies are go. Dig Sesh ladies, they say everything is all good. Let's good here. Dig Sesh Ladies. Dig Sesh Ladies. They say everything is all good.

Let's see here. Let's just get right into it. Let's do it. Let's stop beating around the bush here. Let's plug. Let's do some plugs right up front. There is no guest, okay? Right.

Let's just be honest about that. Let's not try to fake it with a silly voice. Hey, Peter Dorr, what do you you like comedy? Oh, I do. Indeed, I do. But Mike, what do you think about it? Well, I mean, well, I think

it's good. Oh, all right. Oh, wait. Sorry. Peter is signaling that he has to go. You got to go, Peter. Well, I got the cauli wobbles in me. Oh, that happened to you the other day, right, Mike? Well, I did.

I mean. Well, I guess so. That's the patented Mike Moran voice right there. Hey, we'll see you later, Peter. Bye, Peter Dorr. Oh, he did not have to. That was racial slurs, I'm pretty sure. All right, there Doerr. Baby, baby, baby. Oh, he did not have to. I didn't understand what he said. That was racial slurs, I'm pretty sure.

All right, there is no guest. We're going to be honest right up front. Yeah, yeah. There hasn't been a guest in many episodes. We should get honest about that. Yeah. We've been faking it. Ben O'Brien was computer engineered.

Right. Mostly with green screens and Hollywood magic. Yeah. Mostly. Right. And a little bit of black magic, too. Well, you know, when CGI fails, call the witch doctor. Yeah. Call the blacks.

So they say, what? For their magic. Oh. You know. Call the blacks, because they're into voodoo and stuff, you know. Haiti. Hey, I'm just, you know. You know. All the blacks because they're into voodoo and stuff. Haiti. I'm just saying what everybody else already knows.

Alright, let's plug. We've got some stuff to plug. We've got some upcoming shows. You know it. I'm at BetterRobotJosh on Twitter. You can follow me there. If you want to see your favorite pair of dig heads live and in action. We're earbuds.

They're dig heads. Come on. Jesus. Sorry, Peter Dorff. Do not put me on the level of a dig head, all right? I am an earbud. Those filthy, filthy people. Now, don't record this.

But those losers that listen to this crap are not a part of my world, right? We're going to have to put together another gag reel of us making fun of the people that listen to the show. What is a dig head to an earbud? I don't know. A laughing stock. Oh! This freaking guy over here. Your favorite pair of earbuds you want to see us in action, you can go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar,

and all of our future shows are listed there with the venue and all that good stuff. So come see us live. October 18th, Friday, October 18th, I will be in D.C. at the Dunes doing some stand-up, and then October 23rd, I'll be at McGoovie's doing some improv. So come on out to that. Mr. Moran? I don't think I have anything really.

Right. I don't think I have anything scheduled until November. I might have some improv shows at the end of the month but that won't be until the 20-somethings. So we'll get back to that. Okay, yeah, just check out the calendar. But start preparing now for the November 2nd Our House extravaganza.

Oh, my goodness. Mark your calendars, digheads. You filthy fucks. If you can find a calendar in your rundown shacks that you must live in, you pieces of fucking trash. Jesus Christ, Josh. It's like you're to the next level. Hey, sorry. I just insulted him.

You degraded him. Hey, I call a fucking dighead a dighead, you know? This man does not mince words. No, no. I was going to say I call a spade a spade, but I'm pretty sure that's a racist thing. Is it? Well, the spade can be. This picture of the racist guy bragging like,

no, no, no, I'll say something racist. That's what he's trying to say. No, I will be racist. Right, like, yeah. I bet that happens. I will say it. I don't give a shit. I'm racist. I'll call it Spade and Spade.

Well, no, I mean, the term Spade, it can be a racial term for black people. But I don't think the term a spade is a spade is referring to that slur. Oh, well. You want to be naive like a fucking dig head. Go ahead. Where do you think that even came from? Spade?

Just because it's black? There's a million black things, you know? Sure. Black holes? Call a... I don't know. I call a knight a knight. Black knight.

Not a white knight, though. Right. No, I'm talking about the sky. The night sky. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. There's a bunch of absence of lights moving into my neighborhood. Okay.

We're going to move out of this racial territory. Wait, is black the one that absorbs all colors? What? What do I look like? Some type of art school fucking douchebag to you? Kind of, yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Thanks, man.

Why would that be an art school thing? I don't know People are like a science Yeah but they don't know Anything behind the science Of the colors that they're painting You don't know that Homage to their

You don't know that Rabbit Rabbit? Yeah What's the rabbit? I don't know I just You know

Are you drunk? Yeah Mike's falling off the wagon everybody Ten years Just like You know they're you drunk? Yeah. Mike's falling off the wagon, everybody. Ten years. Just like, you know, they're a fucking rabbit that they... Fuck them. And they're a rabbit. All right.

Let's get into it. We're going to have a little solo episode here. Cool. A little bit of soul. A little bit of soul. A little bit of... Oh. One part's...

Oh, I know what I'm going to write for this. Here we go. Summary. Got a bunch of stuff going on here. Bunch of stuff. Josh has a list out. I got a list. I'm excited about this list.

Some things more important than the other. For instance, this weather. Don't get me started on this weather. Let me just go through it real quick. Let's see. Got the weather. I'm working on Penazzo's album. Just found out I had a half-brother.

Oh, yeah. I've been performing. I'm trying to go over the more important stuff. I'm sorry. I've been performing a lot. And I'm going to be in a Duke Law sketch. Are we going to go back over this stuff, or is this it? Is this just you?

No, that's it. Josh mumbles inaudibly into the microphone about several things that have happened to him without any explanation. I found out I have a brother. The explaining of the segment is actually longer than the segment. Josh just mumbles and continues. Right. Okay, no, let's start with the big thing here. Monday, I'm doing a bunch of errands.

Currently still furloughed at this point. This was Monday prior this week. And I was like, you know what? Furloughed, but I'm still going to get a bunch of stuff done. I was Mr. Mominant Hardcore. Don't let us shut you down. No. No, they can shut the federal government down, but not the federal employee.

That's right. So I woke up around 10. Or the Federal Express. They can't do that. I'm Mr. Mom at Hardcore this week. Monday morning, I wake up. I make coffee for Amanda. I see her off to school.

Tell her, have a good day. Ignore the bullies. You focus on your studies. Did you pack a lunch for her? I did. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit.

I put a boot and a can of soup in there. Just, you know, still kind of figuring out the mom thing. Right. Went and picked up some of my dry cleaning. I thought about getting acupuncture. You know, I don't even know how dry cleaning works at all. I've never had anything dry cleaned. The two biggest mysteries on the planet are magnets and dry cleaning.

How the fuck does dry cleaning work? I don't know why you get stuff dry cleaned and I don't know how it works. I don't know why you have to leave it there and pick it up later.

I think because it takes time. Well, yeah, obviously. But why? So they can do their voodoo black magic to it or whatever those... For me, I took my clothes

to the dry cleaner because I knew I had to wash a bunch of my collared shirts. Can't you just put them in the washing machine? But then you have to iron them afterwards. What? Oh, I'm not getting a real job. Fuck this.

What? Every shirt that you wear to work has to be either ironed or dry cleaned? Um, I mean, yeah. Oh, never happening. I mean, it's very hard for a collared shirt to go into the wash and the dryer without subsequently ironing it. I bet I could do it easy. I just wouldn't iron it. Doesn't sound that hard.

You're like the redneck who's like, dumb cubicle. You start itching when it's hanging in your closet. This is really hard. You don't understand. Hey, man. I'll figure it out. What's it going to look like if you don't? A wrinkled mess.

Have you never washed anything? I've never. I have one nice shirt. If you've ever seen me at a funeral or a wedding, you've seen me with this shirt on that I got when I was probably like 24 or something yeah um i've never i've never tried i've never like steamed that or whatever that i've never put it over a pot of boiling water it has a godsmack patch on it yes when i was 24 i was listening

to godsmack i think 2005 i think you were no i i always just wash it. Sometimes I'll hang it up in the bathroom while I take a shower. When I'm frying up my trout that I caught in this dirty stream. Oh my god. What's happening? Sometimes I'll put it on my torch forming bill. He catches all the grease.

All the grease comes out. I He catches all the grease still. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, all the grease comes out. I catch it in the grease trap of the Forming bill. Yeah. That's so mean. Sometimes I'll take a Swiffer to it. I Febreze it.

I Fabreeze it. I actually probably do that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, dry cleaning, not much i uh i don't do it often i mean a lot of my shirts are pretty dirty and then uh i think it had been like probably six to eight months since i've last done it so you know it's kind of often i mean you're comparing that to 32 years of not doing it so relatively speaking i can't believe you're looking down your nose and i am how dirty you are i am no i'm just saying i'm just saying there's no fucking way i'm ever

doing that fuck that god how much not want to be a part of the real world i want to let me ask you this um so stupid how much i how are you not just like feeling like a clown i don't know okay i had 11 shirts that i took to the dry cleaners. How much do you think that costs to get 11 shirts dry cleaned? Something that'll depress me. Good. How much? No, you get it because you think it's this extravagant thing.

I bet you it's eight bucks a pop. Nope. It cost me $14. For the whole shebang? For 11 shirts. So what? That gives you more street cred? No, you're just acting like it's like the king of Siam.

No, it's just another reason that I can never be a normal human being. It's not that fucking hard. It's so annoying. It's right next to the grocery store. It's giving me anxiety just thinking about it. On my way to the grocery store, I dropped the clothes off

and then I go to the grocery store. A couple days later, I'm back at the grocery store. I pick my shit up. It's like right down the street. I don't want to kill myself. You go through more effort getting Febreze hanging it up in the

shower. Getting the right levels of steam. Alright. Getting to the Yeah Alright Anyway So Long story short So I'm doing all that stuff I was Facebooking

In the middle of the day No less Just like a regular Household mom would do Yeah It was pretty crazy Did you watch any stories? I did

I watched the talk And then I caught up On Days of Our Lives. Don't even get me started on what Brad is doing. Is that woman still possessed by Satan? Don't spoil it, Mike. Do not spoil it. My sisters used to watch it when I was 12, and there's a woman possessed by Satan.

She's not even doing stuff that bad. She's like a drink without a coaster. Satan! Oh, no. She's like a drink without a coaster. Satan! She's not dry cleaning her shoes. What happened to you, Diane? Who are you? I'm getting all this work done and then

I get a message from this fella on Instagram. Comments on one of my pictures who had started following me the week prior. His name is Air Jordan. Started following you around or following you on? He's been on my tail for a week. Now, he started following me on Instagram,

at Better Robot Josh, by the way. But he started following me on Instagram. His name is Air Jordan 2727 on there. And as soon as he started following me, I was like, I think this is my half brother that I never met. Now, I found out when I was like 16 or 17 that my biological father had a kid. Another kid. I find out that he had me like, what? I wasn't a test tube.

Wait a minute. My parents had sex. No, I don't want to think about that. I can't go to school now. Okay. All right, so you found out you have a... So you knew about this guy. I knew he was out there, but I didn't know his name.

And I figured at some point we'll probably meet or something. And the week prior, he started following me. And to make it even better, out of a movie,, his avatar, his profile picture is just a question mark. Like out of the movie Avatar. He's a blue man. Right. And he has tons of unobtainium he's sitting on. His father was part of the blue man group.

So he's half blue man. Uh-huh. So like his profile picture is a question mark. And it's a private private profile so i couldn't see any of his pictures so it just says air jordan 27 27 so then why did you get the what what why did you suspect that that was your i don't know it's just kind of like six cents kind of like who is this random person and then uh and then he's private so to see his pictures and like his information you have to request to follow him.

So I request to follow him. He approves it a day later. And then I see it's Jordan Coderna. And then his profile, the way he describes himself, it's 12-year-old in seventh grade. I love summer. Something like that. There's two things you need to know about me. I'm in seventh grade, and I love summer. And his name is Jordan know about me. I'm in seventh grade and I love summer.

And his name is Jordan Kuderta. I'm like, this has to be him. But I don't say anything because I don't know. I'm not reaching out to this kid because I don't know. I mean, obviously. You don't want to be. I don't know. Right.

It was just weird. Like I didn't want to initiate that. I mean, he's 12. You know, I'm a 26-year-old man. Initiate what? You know. I was going he's 12. I'm a 26-year-old man. Initiate what? He's going to buy some wine coolers. I figure

in this type of situation, you let him come to you. I have a lot of experience. I set the trap for this little fella. I strike for his handsome. It's like, dang it. So Monday, I see it. He comments on one of my pictures. It's like, dang it. So, so Monday,

I see it. He comments on one of my pictures. He's like, at Better Robot Josh, do you know who I am? And I go, I assume we're related. He goes,

I'm your half brother. I was like, holy shit. Why was he Instagramming and whispers? I don't know. He pays extra for that, you know, and he uses it.

It's his money. He can use it how he wants. Hey, no. Yeah, it's free country. I mean, totally. For a extra for that, you know, and he uses it. It's his money. He can do it how he wants. Hey, no. Yeah, it's free country. I mean, totally. Spend it the way you want to spend it. For a while. Who am I to judge?

You're a judge, aren't you? So I was like, oh, hey. I said, hey, like exclamation point. And then I was like, here's my phone number. Text me. Right. Because I didn't want all that to unfold, like, in front of my friends. It's like this weird conversation.

Like, comments, comments, comments and uh so he starts texting me and uh it was just a total it was fun and good but it was a total mind fuck at the same time like i was like i'm gonna get all this stuff done then this fucking 12 year old selfish he's like hey you want an existential mind fuck what's up like i'm trying to get stuff done, Jordan. You can't be doing this to me. But, no, I was super excited and then, like, kind of nervous about it. I was like, I got a half-brother out there. That's nuts.

And so he's texting me and, like. So he is certifiably insane. He's nuts. That's great. I have a brother that's nuts. I have a brother, period. That is nuts. I have a brother that's nuts. I have a brother, period. That is nuts. Well, I have a period, brother.

That is nuts. I'm bleeding out of my testicles. Bleeding white. I wonder if anyone ever gets like a drip and it just fills your sack of What do you mean? Like a testicle pop? Like an oil drip

Yeah, like if there's just a little crack You're trying to sleep and it sounds like an oil pan It's like What is that noise? It sounds like it's hitting tin for some reason. Jesus Christ. What is that noise? Oh, man.

I don't know why that's so funny. I love getting to that point where you laugh like an old man. Mike does the thing where he laughs to the cops. Yeah, I don't know why that's so funny to me. Just tripping on you. He's like, what the hell? You're like looking around the house. Well, like the thing where you're trying to sleep and like you think like this sink you know it's like that boy boy honey just ignore it no it's driving me crazy i can't ignore it um all right so jordan starts

texting me i'm like and uh it's it's like this cute really inquisitive stuff he's uh it's just stuff like did you go to college and just stuff like, did you go to college? And it's like, did letter U go to college? Like, you're a comedian? That's so cool. Was up? No, not really.

Nah, none of that. That's what I said to him. I was like, was up? He's like, you're a comedian? That's so cool. I'm like, nah. I mean, kind of a comedian. Not really, you know.

I mean, you're not a very good one. No. No, certainly not um but we're we're just uh we're going back and forth and it's just all this fun stuff like uh did you go to college and i'm asking him like you know what's your favorite part of seventh grade and just a simple stuff like how tall are you blah blah blah and then uh we're you ever watch gladiator movies we're going back and forth. And then, you know how sometimes when you're texting people, like, two separate questions, like, you'll answer one and then they'll have another one.

Yeah. They'll kind of be like that overlap. Right. So we had that. So we're going back and forth maybe for like a half hour just on kind of like the getting to know you questions. Right. And then he's like, do you have any... Can I borrow some money?

I'm kind of in a tough spot here. Does your mom have a lot of money? It turned out he was a Nigerian prince. If you could just send me $200, my employer will send you $400 back. I just need your bank account and your social security number. So we're going back and forth. We kind of had some overlap. And he asked me a question. He goes, do you have any pets and it's like ah i have a dog uh do you have

any pets and he goes he goes uh my grandma has two cats that's one text the next text right after that uh letter r letter u mad at no letter r letter, still mad at my dad, number four, what he did. So he's putting it – Nice. And then so we have this overlap, right? So he asked the big one, and I kind of knew that was going to come. And then so he has that question, and then I try to ignore it, and I just go, your mom's mom or your dad's mom has two cats?

He goes, mom's mom, letter R, letter U. Like, basically, like, my mom's mom. Are you mad? Are you? Like, cutting right to it. And so, you know, I don't know what to say because like that's you know i mean i don't know his relationship with his dad yeah it's a little awkward so yeah so i just said i just said um that's really between your dad and i but you and i can still talk and then he didn't

send anything for a while so i thought he was kind of hurt by that yeah i could imagine that just yeah but what else can you do right right know, for a kid that's like. Right, right. And then, so then he sends me a text after that that's like, he goes, hey, sorry, I had to eat dinner and do homework. How tall are you? He just jumps right back in. Yeah, it was awesome. I loved it, man. He was so sweet. And then, like, he's funny, too.

Like, he, after the, he's like, how tall are you? And then he wrote, like, ten and a half feet. What? Ten and a half feet? Yeah, and I was like, too. After the, he's like, how tall are you? And then he wrote, like, ten and a half feet. What? Ten and a half feet? Yeah, and I was like, yeah. Seventh grade? Yeah, then I texted him back. I was like, yeah, I tower over men.

Was he joking? Yeah. Oh, okay. And then he sent an LOL. Yeah. Can you shoot laser beams out of your eyes? What did you have for dinner? Yeah, he was so sweet, man.

That's cool. I would love to have something like that happen to me. Yeah, it was very cool. So, Jordan, if you're listening, I'm excited to get to know you, fella. And sorry for all the testicle talk in between. All right, now if we can get to other life-changing events this weather oh man no i i uh we can just just to put a button on it i thought that was super cool and uh i don't know it was crazy like you never know when that stuff's gonna happen just all of

a sudden like yeah yeah that's amazing finds you on instagram yeah sure, sure. I was just kidding about you not being a good comedian, by the way. What? Oh, my God. I'm going to write this down. This is the second most important thing to happen to me after the weather this week.

Okay. Let's see here. What's next? One time I had a situation where I guess I pretty much almost lost a girlfriend or at least time I had a situation where I guess I pretty much almost lost a girlfriend, or at least we almost had a huge fight just based on me not using a comma in a text. Really?

Well, it wasn't over that. It wasn't like, you know. Suck my dick, bitch. Suck my dick, comma, bitch. No, the text was she was telling me that she was at work late, and my response was, really? Still at work? But I forgot the comma, so it came out as, really still at work?

As though I were accusing her of cheating or something, staying up late. I thought there was going to be a joke there, and it came out as, fuck you. I'd forgotten the comma. That's good. You should write, that could be a good stage joke. Oh, thanks, man. man No you should do that I've been writing A couple of those

Like zigzag jokes Actually like where You're like Right Those are Some of my favorite ones Yeah Because it plays

With the cliches of comedy It does It does I like it when You think it's gonna be Dirty and vile And it's just silly Right

Or when it's silly And then it's really vile. Oh, yeah. Well, that's kind of a, you know, I feel like that type, not that I don't indulge in it, but that type of humor, I feel like is kind of running its course. Like just taking something that's, like, innocent and putting it up against something that's vulgar. Right.

Like Bob Saget's entire act. Right, right, right right right yeah that guy has a big chip on his shoulder though he's like the clean like you know like mr like america like right vanilla he's like oh hey there's a funny video so of course that works yeah no he's like fuck god uh dicks in butts oil pan balls okay um let's see here. Working on Finazzo's new album. Excellent. What's that one going to be called? I believe it's going to be called The Cheery Side of Denial.

Where was that recorded? Sean Bolins in Bel-Air. Yeah. I was there for the recording of Stupid Genius. No. Tom Myers CD? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Tom Myers CD? Yeah. Yeah?

How was that? Good. It was a lot of fun. Okay. It really was. All right, moving on. He's a really nice guy. Sweetheart.

He's a sweetheart. He is. Okay, FNAF's album's coming along. That'll be out in December, hopefully. I'm going to cross that off. Did I mention this weather? It is something else. Going to be in a sketch, hopefully. I'm going to cross that off. Did I mention this weather? It is something else. Going to be in a sketch, hopefully, with the people at Duke Claw.

I'm going to play the devil in a sketch. Who is Duke Claw? Duke Claw, they're like a restaurant slash brewery. Mostly a brewery. I think they're mostly in Maryland, some in D.C., I think. But they make their own beers, and then they do sketches for when they when they roll out a new beer so whatever it's like every brewery what do like a sketch yeah they do like a sketch whenever they premiere a new beer right right that's that's that's an ancient that's like come back from the old country all right i see what you're doing over there you

rise son of a bitch and uh and with this furl, I've been performing a lot, which has been a lot of fun. I did, let's see here, Monday, I performed like five times this week. Nice. Yeah. I don't know. I went through my whole list of stuff. When did I see you last? You did really well.

Oh, thanks, man. On Monday at Sidebar? Yeah, yeah, you did really well. Thanks, man. You too. I like you.? You did really well. Oh, thanks, man. On Monday at Sidebar? Yeah, yeah, you did really well. Thanks, man. You too. I like you. No, I was terrible. I'm always terrible at Sidebar.

Always. Well, I... Let's see. I think... Well, it's really hard at Sidebar because mostly it's comedians and stuff. Well, yeah, see, that's where stuff basically gets its first run ever. Yeah. Like material.

Exactly. Because everybody there has obviously seen my regular stuff, and they've seen stuff that I've tried several times and I'm still working on. Yeah. So I pretty much have to do, like, right off the shelf. Yeah. Which is good.

I mean, you know, if you're finding... On the rim and out the door. Yeah, exactly. That's the Mike Moran way. That's the Mike Moran way. That's the Mike Moran promise. No, I think that's what you should be doing, though. I mean, do the new stuff. It's really hard to get excited about an open mic like that.

Yeah. Where you know 90% of your stuff isn't going to work. Yeah, but even if some of it works, if you get a little chuckle here and a little part. That's isn't going to work. Yeah, but I mean, even if some of it works, like if you get a little chuckle here, like in a little part. And that's all you have to do, but it's like, drive up here on a Monday night, you know, like wait an hour to go on.

Yeah. It's difficult. Yeah. I guess it's all part of the process. Yeah, no, it definitely sucks. You're like, ah, here's a bunch of new stuff that will probably fail. But the cool part is everybody else

is kind of doing that too. Right. So, you know, it's like if you get a little chuckle there, you're like, all right, I can work on this, or it's probably going to be way funnier down the line in front of non-comedians. But, yeah, I did a two doors down pub, thank you very much, in Manchester, Maryland last night. There's a Manchester, Maryland?

Yeah. Where is it? It's like northwest-ish, kind of. I think it's like close to the Pennsylvania line. All right. I don't consider that Maryland. Okay. That's pretty much just Pennsylvania.

I'd like to see your Maryland map. It just has like a huge chunk cut out of it. It'd be a cold day in hell before I recognize Manchester. But there are 16 people in the crowd because we've had horrible rain. I don't know if I mentioned the weather. That's not too bad. Yeah, not too bad.

For the rain that we had the other night? Yeah, not too bad. Yeah, it does suck that when you do the show, it's been raining and people are in the rain. Right, yeah. But it was my first time hosting a stand-up show, which was fun. Cool. But it was my first time hosting a stand-up show, which was fun. Cool.

Some stuff didn't hit. Like, I'm doing this joke. Remember I was telling you about the big head Brian one? Yeah. I'm like, call it out. You know, call it out. What do we call him? What do we call him?

Nobody said anything. It's the first time it's happened. I'm like, call it out. Like, what do you think? We called him. You can say it. You can say it. And there's a guy up front.

He goes, we don't know. What do you want from us? I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You're the comedian. I didn't sign up to speak. You tell us. I paid the money. So what'd you do?

I was like, you all are just really good people. I was going to do this whole joke about how we called him this and then how you're not supposed to bully. And you guys are just like, what would you call him besides his name? Why are you being so rude? And that was fun. Did that hit? Yeah. I mean, it didn't hit, but it was nice to acknowledge it.

And then there was a woman right up front. She was elderly, like grandma, like grandma, grandma status. Her name was dolores nice and uh she was with i guess like her three grandson or no with her grandkids i don't know and uh i was worried i was like uh she's kind of old up front and then i know she's just drinking a corona like it's nothing it's like all right grandma came to party she's okay and i felt bad about my act saying stuff and then just Justin Hancock went up after me, and he talked about how girls are dipping their tampons in vodka

and then putting up their puss holes. That's what he said. And then he said, like, you know, part of his bit requires him to say the word queef and all that stuff. And I was like, oh, my God. What was the reaction? It was good. Good.

Like, she was really cool. And then I went up afterwards and was like, oh, my God. What was the reaction? It was good. Good. Like, she was really cool. And then I went up afterwards and was like, God, I felt bad. And the old Justin Pussy Puns came and cocked over there. It's kind of like the elderly generation is kind of getting closer to being part of the sexual revolution. Right, right, right. Like, you know, most elderly people didn't, like, grow up in the 30s anymore. Oh, yeah. And even if they did, it's not like they're so wholesome all the time anyway.

I mean, the fucking 70s, that was depravity. The roaring 20s, depression. Everybody's fucking in the depression, right? What else are you going to do? Eat dirt? What are you, a dig head? No. No, I kid.

I kid. But no, she was really cool. She was super nice. Yeah, I kind of had a similar experience. I did a room in Dundalk. Oh, yeah. And I showed up. I want to talk about this.

And I pretty much decided, all right, if this isn't the worst show I've ever done, it's going to be up there. It's going to be close. But I found in rooms like that, the best thing you can do is kind of rehearse for a show coming up. Yeah. Because if you try new stuff, you're not going to know if it works or not. Yeah. But I found in rooms like that, the best thing you can do is kind of rehearse for a show coming up. Yeah. Because if you try new stuff, you're not going to know if it works or not. Yeah. And, you know, you can't really talk to the audience all that much. Right.

So it was one of those things where it's like, all right, well, this is just rehearsal. But weirdly, it was, all right,'s two Elderly people in the audience Uh huh And that's it There was later A guy at the bar And There was

Me and two other Comedians in the host And Dolores was there too She's just a partier I think so Oh with the jokes You fucking tool And then And then later Another comedian And his girlfriend came, and they were really cool.

Oh, nice. They came in during my set. Nice. But it was weird. I swear to God, I fucking killed in this room. It was insane. Really? Yeah, it was so weird.

Hey, get closer to that. The old couple liked me. Uh-huh. The guy at the bar turned around and watched me. Nice. Employees started coming out and watching me. Very nice. The other comedians there thought I was hilarious.

That's great, man. And, yeah, it was so weird. I thought it was going to be awful, and it was great. Yeah, I was going to say, I think that's part of sidebar, too. Or just performing in general. You don't necessarily have to be like, I'm having a great time. But as long as you're in the moment and you look like you're enjoying yourself. Because that sets it up for everybody else

to be like alright I should pay attention you know yeah because yeah like I remember John Ulrich telling me when he was watching us

at doing Hamden Fest and other people have said it too and I've even seen it where like the comedian's like ugh this isn't going well you're like

what right I was enjoying myself you know and that it like sets everybody else to be like yeah this isn't going well. You're like, what? I was enjoying myself. And then it sets everybody else to be like, yeah, this isn't going so good, is it? Yeah. Yeah, you have to find the...

There definitely is a time to acknowledge when things are not going the way you want them to. Oh, sure. Well, like the one, like the big head Brian. I can't just be like, ah. Don't be bullies. They're just like, what? Right. But it's even like, even within that, you can still tell if the comedian is confident.

Like, even when they're putting themselves down. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, there's an art to it. I definitely learned early on in improv that if I'm genuinely having a good time on stage, it's impossible to bomb. Yeah, I agree. having a good time on stage it's impossible to bomb yeah i agree like you think of any time where you felt confident and had fun and and was proud of yourself and nobody else got it like it never happens what the fuck it never ever happens yeah i mean some shows are always going to be better than others but like it's impossible to completely like fall on your face yeah you got to completely

readjust if you think you're good you're just like oh that was awesome the crowd just like oh no no sorry uh yeah and i i had a really fun time last night even though there was a small crowd and uh everybody's really good justin hancock uh bill monahan and adam dodd it was it was fun adam died adam and then adam died adam dodd dodd dd. D-O-D-D. Talking like a southerner all of a sudden. Uh-huh. Adam Dodd. That's why it was like a super fun show.

A lot of fun. A lot of laughs and Adam Dodd. I wonder if he ever performs in the South and that happens. Hey guys, coming up next,

Adam Dodd. Your headliner, Adam Dodd. That's even better. Hey guys, I don't want to up next. Adam died. Your headliner, Adam died. That's even better. Hey guys, I don't want to change the mood here, but your feature, Adam died. Hopefully things

will get a little bit brighter in here. You've seen him on Comedy Central daily. Oh, fuck. I forget. Let's try it again. You've seen him on Comedy Central's Unplugged Unplugged

What was the show that was Premium Blend That's it You've seen him on Comedy Central's Premium Blend And CMT Adam Dodd No it's not good Your headliner Adam Dod like Your headliner Adam died Your headliner

Adam died It's gotta be in the More like scarlet Kind of draw Uh huh Give it a go I hope everyone's Having a good time

Here tonight Everybody makes noise Your headliner Adam died Although I guess She would technically say Like for your headliner Or something died. Although I guess she would technically say for your headliner or something. I don't know why she would set it up perfectly

so that it's... Your local jokester for the evening, Adam died. All right. Oh, actually, there's something else I forgot. I was shopping for new clothes for work.

I was just shopping for new clothes for work. And I was just shopping for new clothes. I was at the mall getting clothes for work. And I was there maybe like pretty early. It was maybe like 11 o'clock. And I was at Express, which is like a nicer men's whatever. I was at a Panda Express looking for clothes. And boy, was I in over my head. And I had all my stuff picked out

and I was going to the register and I had my earbuds in and a woman that works there, she comes up to me and she goes, are we shopping for an interview? Just kind of like super. Whoa, a woman that works there?

Yeah. Oh, okay. She was just super condescending though. Right, right. Look at you. Wait, she was condescending? Yeah. Oh, okay. She was just super condescending, though. Right, right. Look at you. Wait, she was condescending? Yeah. On purpose?

It seemed like it to me. She just assumed I'm unemployed. So this woman that works at this place just comes up and starts mocking you. Yeah. No. Oh. Look at Captain Dumbass. That's what she's saying.

That's the undercurrent of what's coming out. Okay, so what you're saying to me is that it's a situation where the woman is saying what she's supposed to say, but she's doing it with a sarcastic undertone. Yes. Okay. Yes. Like when people at restaurants or something are like, so how are you doing today? Yeah, or just rude people just like, oh, you tried. Bless your heart. When they're basically saying like you're an idiot you know but but people do that to be

nice but i but that's you're saying there's a passive aggressiveness to this right i'm saying she it's even worse where she doesn't know she's being passive aggressive one of those people okay well that's different than being passive aggressive okay one of those people that thinks they're being helpful but they're being a total asshole. Yeah, well, that's me, number one. Number two. Yeah, the scum of the earth. You know what I'm talking about.

Well, okay, but that's different than somebody taking out their anger on you by being nasty to you. Okay, passive cuntiness, not anger. I don't know. She was just horrible. It was just, I don't know. She was trying to be nice, but she was accidentally being condescending. Yeah. I don't know if it's, it's like one of those people doesn't even know they're doing it.

Which, that means it's accidental. I don't know if it's, it's just, like, yeah, just assuming that I'm unemployed. Like, that's how you're jumping off. You know what I mean? Like, shopping for an interview? Look at you. And it was just this, like, oh, look at this little guy. Yeah, that is.

I mean, what other reason would she have to assume that you were shopping for an interview? Well, it was a Tuesday morning at 11 o'clock. Right. And I looked unkempt. I'll admit that. Right. But you had a jug that had three X's on it. There was that.

My shopping cart was full of cans. No, I don't know. I mean, she just did the math. She's like, young guy, not at a job in the middle of the week. Right. Probably shopping for an interview job. Yeah, and it was just like, no, I just uh shopping for my job that i already have and she's like oh okay all right okay at the magical castle of love don't you wear overalls to your job

i don't understand they don't give you a jumpsuit your name on it exactly Exactly. And I don't know. Amanda took your side, too. She didn't think that she was being rude. But I thought she was being very rude. Well, but I think by definition, it can't really be rude if she's not doing it on purpose. But there's people that do that all the time that are total assholes that don't think they're assholes. That doesn't make it excusable. You know?

That is true. If they're just like, hey, Mike, did you dress yourself? Good for you. There is a difference between people that are assholes and people that don't know that they're being assholes. A world of.

Sure. I don't think her heart's in the right place though like she just wasn't she had an air of i'm better than you let's look at this little guy who's trying to get a job all right so why is everybody defending this express woman because i can't get a gauge on what you're saying exactly i'm just rude because she had an unrealistic superiority. Okay, I'm saying it's rude to come up to somebody and be like, basically what she's saying is like, you don't have a job, and look at you trying to get a big boy job.

But what I'm asking you is, is she like... You can't handle the truth. Is she doing this with an undercurrent of, I'm going to degrade you somewhat? Or... Or is she just socially stupid? Okay, I don't

think she's socially stupid. I think that she thinks she's better than me. Right off the bat. And she works at Kohl's, is that what you said? No said no Express Express okay Panda Express not cool yeah so I think she just thinks like she already had this Arab superiority you know I mean it's like like a rich Republican being like hey good for you so so what what you found the part that's intentionally yeah is that she believes she belongs to a higher social class than you. But in what she's saying, she's not intentionally trying to.

Yeah, I think that she definitely, there's like an air to her. You know, it's just talking down to me. Just like I'm a little kid, you know, just like I'm just saying jumping off the bat with a stranger who is a patron of your establishment by starting off like unemployed. Trying to get out of the hole. Look at you. Good for you, little guy. Right. It's basically what she was communicating.

Okay. I find that rude. Right. Okay. I find that rude. Right. You don't find that rude. I don't know. I'd honestly have to think about it for a few minutes. All right. On its surface, I would say no, because it sounds like she's just kind of, you know,

unintentionally, you know, like I'll say stuff sometime and be like, oh, I'm sorry if that sounded rude, you know, like. Like stuff sometime and be like oh i'm sorry if that sounded rude you know like like what like uh like you bitch yeah like when i'm at work and i'm like uh you know look i don't want to wait on you but uh it's my job who wants a drink hey sweetheart i could drop a pencil in that cleavage who's he who's hungry um no uh you know but you know we all say things sometimes that yeah we you know we stop and we think oh was that was that rude to say or did i did that come out wrong yeah but it didn't seem like it was her first time you're suggesting is that this even though that may have been what transpired it's because she comes from a place of I'm better than these people.

Yeah. Or maybe just not these people in general, but just Josh Kodurna. You know? I'm better than Josh Kodurna. I think that's what she says every morning. Right. No, I mean, put yourself in my shoes. You're going to get some ties, some slacks, a nice collared shirt that one day you'll eventually take to the dry cleaner.

And she just comes up to you and is like, oh, shopping for an interview? It was also, she said, look at you. Look at you? Shopping for an interview? Look at you is pretty condescending. And she might have said the, oh, okay, she said the we thing. I said that to her. Like, are we shopping for an interview?

Oh, really? She made herself part of it? Yeah. And I had picked out the clothes all by myself like a big boy. Okay. She called me later in the bathroom with my pants all the way down and my ankles peeing in the urinal.

And I still somehow peed in my underoos. Which I... Can you help? You're like screaming for an adult. Mom. I call her mom. Super embarrassing thing. When is snack?

I'm tired. Where exactly is the reading corner? I'd like to curl up in a cubby and nap. Let me see your finest collection of toys. Thank you. Let's talk blocks finest collection of toys. Thank you. Let's talk blocks. Yeah. So you don't think that's rude?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I do. Okay. Thanks, Mike. Thanks for being there for me. I mean that. But, okay, I will take... Hey, Mike. I will take, like, kind of accidental rudeness over people intentionally being nasty to me any day.

Yeah. I think it bothered me too because I'm like, I know what you're doing. All right. I know what you're doing, lady. Right. And then it's just like. The thing with me too is that like I will like my adrenaline instantly kicks in. Like when I get the sense that someone's trying to be condescending to me.

Hey, how are you? Get the fuck away from me. No, but as soon as somebody challenges me at all, I don't get violent or anything, but I do get really confrontational. Credited or debit, sir? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Yeah, I wear glasses. Fuck you! Jesus. No, but I will say, I will just, I will, you know, repeatedly question exactly what they're saying. Sure. Even if it's with a stranger. Yeah.

Not that that happens very often, but a lot of people just kind of like laugh it off. Uh-huh. But I get really like, I get resentful and I like start engaging in a conversation. You're not going to push me around. Yeah. And I should say with this woman, I wasn't rude back. I thought the whole thing was funny. She just assumed I was unemployed.

Shout out to the lady that works at Express. Mike, I know you worked a long day today. I did. You're feeling a little exhausted. I am. I got an elliptical though. Really? Yeah, so my world changes 100% Literally, my whole existence changes when I have an elliptical, though. Really? Yeah, so my world changes 100. Literally, like, my whole existence changes when I have an elliptical for the better. Yeah, because you can exercise. Yeah, it's so weird.

It makes me, like, feel alive. It's like whether I'm alive or dead inside depends on if I can do an elliptical. That's it. I guess the most important thing in my life. I should, like, make that priority number one over everything in my life, that I'll always have an elliptical. Yeah, I mean, exercise does have that extremely beneficial quality to it

of just making you feel good. Similar to antidepressants and all that stuff. Yeah, I think it's a sense of accomplishment too. Which I enjoy. Like when I go for a run, I did it. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Doing anything that's not, you know, nothing is an accomplishment for me. But there's something weird with my breathing where like my anxiety makes me like not breathe correctly, I think.

And the elliptical kind of gives me like a reprieve from that. Okay. Because you have to. I feel like a human for a little while. Yeah. I mean, I guess any cardio. But for some reason, running especially. Huh.

So what's your breathing problem? What's your breathing problem, bro? You got a breathing problem? Do we have a breathing problem? Huh? Little guy? I don't know. It's weird.

I think it's like, you know how when you get tense and anxious, you kind of like, your torso kind of like collapses into itself and yeah i feel like i'm at that like a hundred percent of the time oh my god yeah it's weird i even i had this like i discovered that that was my issue when i like was laying in the bathtub and like tried to relax and realized i couldn't like i have to like slouch over in order to breathe and so it's like when my body goes to normal i can't breathe it's so weird you gotta go to the doctor well i i think i know the elliptical seems to solve it for me do we have an upper respiratory problem we'll see what happens if oh if mike dies this year see how long mike survives without health yeah we'll start a calendar this many days

since Mike has died since Mike has died you know like an accident like zero days since an accident zero days zero days since Mike has lost his mind

existentially alright well thanks for coming by sure man thank you this was great there was the Baltimore what better day I mean what better way Mike's clearly not paying attention Sure, man. Thank you. This was great. There was the Baltimore. What better day? I mean, what better way?

Mike's clearly not paying attention. Sorry. I glance at my iPod, and all of a sudden I have brain damage. Yeah, no. It is a cool bird. Josh is now imitating me. I'm Mike Moran. I love they do that with the voice for everybody.

Whenever you want to seem like an idiot. I like cereal. Everybody likes cereal. Thanks for coming by. Like I said, there was a Baltimore marathon today. He got slammed with some fallout from that. The San thanks for coming by. Sure, man. Thank you. There was the Baltimore Marathon today. Yeah. You got slammed. Yeah. It was some fallout from that. The Sanford and Son Marathon.

It was weird. It was dead, and then it was slammed. That always sucks, because I have energy when I get there. You get in that mode where you're like, this is how it's going to be for the day. Right. I'm set. Slow. Then you're like, ugh, I've got to work.

Yeah. Yeah, I hear set. Slow. Then you're like, ugh, that'll work. Yeah. Yeah, I hear you. All right, man. Well, thanks for stopping by. Thank you, Josh. We have episodes coming up with Sarah Armour, very funny comedian, and Thomas and Sam of F This Podcast.

Two of my favorite podcasters on the planet. And thank you so much for everybody for listening. We got a bunch of Dig Sesh stickers and stuff that we'll send out. Stickers. Stickers if people want them. Come see us live, digressionsessions.com slash calendar. And I really, really appreciate everybody listening. And, yeah, feel free to get in touch with us.

Come see us live. Mr. Moran over there, the one half of your favorite pair of earbuds over there. He's at Michael Moran 10. I'm at Better Robot Josh. And the podcast is at Dig Sesh Pod on Twitter. And I think that's it, right? Yeah. Wait, what was the sign off?

If you like somebody, tell somebody. What did I say that one time? Do you remember that? What did I say? Hey, if you like somebody, tell somebody. What did I say that one time? Do you remember that? What did I say? Hey, if you like somebody, tell somebody. What, you meant to say, like, if you like us, tell us or something like that? If you like the podcast, tell a friend. Oh, yeah.

If you like somebody, tell somebody. That's the new sign-off. All right. This is Josh Guderna for Mike Moran saying, if you like somebody, tell somebody. All right. Thanks is Josh Goderna from Mike Moran saying, if you like somebody, tell somebody. Thanks, everybody. Bye. you Thank you.