The Digression Sessions - Ep. 94 - F This Podcast! (Thomas & Sam)

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod And come see us live! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar Hola DigHeads! This week on Digression Sessions Podcast we Skype it in all the way from that other coast we’ve heard so much about (mostly in Tupac songs). We have Sam and Thomas from one of Mike’s 3 favorite podcasts, F This Podcast! Thomas also does the "Thomas and the Bible" podcast where he reads the entire Bible front to back while making fun of it. These are two seriously hilarious brothers (they’re actually brothers, not black guys) who’s comedy is enhanced by their admittedly “not trying” approach to the art. We here at Digression Sessions strongly encourage you to check out F this Podcast! and Thomas and the Bible. On this episode we discuss a future utopia where cars run on poop, the new Google layout (or lack of one), the debate over how “Worcestershire sauce” is pronounced and Sam’s dissatisfaction with God’s design of his new daughter’s digestive system. Also, Mike finds a kindred spirit in Sam who has the same weird testicle thing as he (lots of testicle talk when Thomas is on). Thanks to Sam and Thomas for joining us this week. We wish these guys lived closer so we could hang out! Also thanks to everyone for your comments and likes on the Facebook page. Please check out the calendar on the DigSesh website for all of Josh and Mike’s improv and standup dates! Love you! 

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week thomas and sam of f this podcast are the guests on this week. Thomas and Sam of F This Podcast are the guests on this week's program, Michael. Right, and Thomas is also from the very popular Thomas and the Bible podcast, where he's reading the entire Bible from start to finish. Yes, yes. F This Podcast is

one of my favorite podcasts. It's basically us, only... If they were brothers? Yeah, if they were brothers, and they more focus on... Instead of interviewing a guest, they have a topic,

or they have several topics that they've collected, and they discuss them. Basically just stupid things about the world. Right, things that bother them, whatever it is. So kind of what we do, but minus a guest. Yeah. And it's just them everywhere. And a little more specific.

Right. And they're super funny guys. And we had them on Skype. So the first minute of this interview is just the raw data from Skype before they sent me their individual recordings. So if you just stick with it for like the first minute of the interview, that little like buzzing will go away.

Just give us a chance. Give us a chance, will you? The buzz will fade. Come on, dig heads. We do you a lot of favors, right?

Yeah. Remember that guy we killed for you? You remember. You remember. You remember. You will be asked a favor one day.

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But probably the day after that. Yeah, this is a super tomorrow. But probably the day after that. Yeah, this is a super fun episode. Hope you guys dig it. Digheads, hope you dig it. You can

follow them on Twitter, at FThisPodcast. And of course check out T and the B, Thomas and the Bible. And let's see, Mike, we got some stuff of our own coming up. What? Do we?

Do we? Yes, we do. Got a big show coming up. We're doing our yearly birthday extravaganza. I don't know. Are we going to market it as a birthday party this year? I don't know. It's just going to be us playing a bunch of music, getting together with friends.

Maybe doing some comedy, some improv. It's always a blast. It's honestly like my favorite night of the year. Yeah, so this year it's going to be Saturday, November 2nd. Correct. At the Our House in Baltimore, Maryland. Free show. Free show.

It's on North Avenue right next to Joe's Square. Yep. And yeah, so I think we're just going to have we're going to be doing some cover band stuff we'll have some some other bands playing like local and otherwise and be some improv and there'll be beer

and pizza and just everybody hangs out dances so it'll be a lot of fun so please come out to that and then for any

any other comedy shows improv or stand up or otherwise you can find them at digressionsessions.com slash calendar. And come see us live. Come see us do improv or stand-up or whatever, whatever.

That's right. That's my hype, man. I'm so bad at intros. I really am. Keep listening. I'm funnier in the actual shows, I promise. Please, please keep listening. You can follow me on Twitter, at BetterRobotJosh.

The other half of your favorite pair of earbuds over there, Mike Moran. He's at MichaelMoran10. The podcast is at DigSeshPod. And if you like the show, share it with somebody. If you see something, say something. If you like somebody, somebody all right uh with without further rambling let's get into the show you guys hope you dig it and as always we love you thanks everybody All right. So we got Thomas.

Uh-huh. And we got Sam. Oh, boy. Of F This Podcast. Hey, fellas. Sam, this is Mike here. Hey, Sam. This is Josh here.

How the hell are you? Are we starting? What's happening? Are we live? Yeah, we're starting. Yeah. We're on the air right now. We're being broadcast. We're on the hell are you? Are we starting? What's happening? Are we live? We're on the air right now. We're being broadcast. We're on the airwaves? Now, Sam, you were chatting to us off the air about how you hate that people are tired.

Can you comment on that? He hates people that are retired. I don't have a lot of hate left because old people take up most of my hate. But the little bit of hate I have left. Old people are tired a lot, too, so it makes sense.

Yeah, there's a lot of overlap in that Venn diagram there. Is an old person ever not tired? Like, when you see an old person, do they ever look like they're not exhausted? Are they ever just full of spunk and energy and ready to rock? I think we just don't see them because they get up at like 4 a.m. Yeah. I bet you if you went to like the IHOP at 4 a.m., they'd be like throwing food and starting fights and stuff. Yeah.

Skipping out of the house. All over the place. Right. Right. Doing backflips out of their Lincolns. They're having like dance-offs in the parking lot. Serving each other. What do you do in the parking lot, Mary?

8.30 already. It's time for lunch. Yeah. Word. So why do you hate old people so much? Aren't you afraid that you're going to be an old person one day? No. Oh, he is.

Wait, I hate old people? You got a suicide plan, eh? You're like Buddha. There's absolutely no evidence of me hating old people. Okay, yeah. Sorry, that was on me you could look as hard as you want you'll never find it i'm gonna look real hard all we have is anecdotal evidence nothing physical yeah i'm trying not to talk this guy is so weird so okay

yeah dead air well i mean well feel free to talk because we'll just edit it in later because i remember last time we did this once i got your audio it was mostly just like yeah and the book can you guys hear me what the fuck this fucking sucks also i noticed you edited out all the times i just screamed the n-word like over and over and over i thought i was gonna make it i saved that for a special cut so yeah we have a christmas special that we do with all the outtakes. Christmas N-word. It's Christmas N-words. It's the only time of the year where that word is universally accepted. What if that was the custom?

It's like the purge or whatever. You could say the N-word as much as you want for 24 hours. Half the presents under the tree have the N-word. This is for my little nigga over here. This is for my grandma. You just get Richard Pryor CDs. The labels

say N-word to, N-word to, N-word from. From N-word to N-word. Presents all around. It could be like a TV movie. Just talk to me N-word to N-word Presents all around It could be like a TV movie Just talk to me N-word to N-word Yeah, so what's going on with you fellas?

What's happening in, where are you, California? Or is that a secret? No, California is not a secret. We're out with that? America's best kept secret. All right. So we're putting 50 stars on the flag now? I'll write it down.

I'll write it down. Yeah, redraw your flag. We just wrestled it away from the Indians earlier this week. Those greedy savages. Don't you think it's weird that we didn't come up with the term Native American until the mid-90s? Yeah. Yeah, but they're not even really Americans, though. It's a shitty thing to do.

Like, hey, hey, our bad. You were in America first. Like, no, it's not America. So we should be like, no. We renamed their land to what we want to call it and then call them the native like our land. Exactly. You were in our land first. So we'll give you that name now.

But it's clearly our land the whole time. It was always. Yeah, you accidentally. I mean, say what you will. God was definitely on our side for that. Yeah. I mean, come on. He accidentally let them hang out for a little bit.

It's embarrassing how right we were. Yeah, what the hell is the deal with Indians in the Bible? They must be, I don't remember. Yeah, that's what part of the Mormon religion kind of amended that by saying that Jesus was in America. Yeah, it's weird. I think that was actually like a big controversy when Columbus discovered America. Like, who the fuck are these people? Oh, yeah.

It's almost like aliens now or something. Yeah. Like like how the hell are we going to explain the fucking it's almost like all those aliens whose home we stole yeah those green native marzian stealing an alien's house is not like stealing indian's house let me tell you oh because one's a teepee. Yeah. They're mobile people. Let me ask you guys. What's that? You can't just shoot a gun in the air a few times and get rid of an alien. Right. You can't just put up a windmill and have them all run away.

Yeah. Aliens don't need blankets either for some reason, which is weird. That makes it a lot harder. Give them the measles or whatever we gave them that's what separates us from the aliens they start calling us like blankies or something like use of blankets a bunch of blankets uh uh wait somebody's about to say you were about to say someone someone's getting scared but like a little kid's getting scared that They think there's aliens, and their parents are like, it has a blanket.

It's clearly not an alien, so just go back to bed. I think it's fine. You see its blanket? Now, it might be a ghost. We're not sure, but it's definitely not an alien. Oh, so I think I might have figured out your Worcestershire problem, Thomas. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's not Worcestershire.

There's no H in there. Oh, is it just the C? So it's like Wor-Kester-Sester? Yeah, I figured it should be like Wor-Sester, you know, because it's C-E. I still don't think that solves anything. You took out one letter of a

14-letter word, and then you're telling me, oh, so that's... It's rooster sauce. Rooster sauce. You're supposed to say rooster sauce, right? That's how they pronounce it in England. Like, there's a place called Worcestershire, and that's what they call it, Worcestershire. I know.

I know all that. I'm arguing with the original, the fact that they call it Worcestershire, like, even where they are. I don't give a shit. You're just telling me there's a couple more assholes who'd make the same mistake. That doesn't solve anything. Right. Yeah. But it's not like it's like some Americanized thing where we're just like.

No, I didn't. I don't think I said it. I hope I didn't say it was. I don't. I didn't think that. I thought it came from Worcester. I just think that it's an annoying way to pronounce it no matter where you're from. Yeah. They have to make it difficult, right?

Yeah. You couldn't just call it like brown sauce, you know? Something appetizing like that. Well, don't we have a department in the government that just takes words like that and makes them easy for us? That's what we need to have. I think that's what we're saying. Well, that's the whole shutdown. That was this huge debate, actually.

The Worcestershire debate. We're America, so if you have a stupid word, we just change it to something easy and then use it. That department was deemed as essential, so they haven't shut that down. Don't worry about that. Apparently, words don't go through Ellis Island when they come to America. Cut them down to a rational size. I can't wait until whoever that is is done blow-drying their hair. It'll never be dry.

I have long, flowing dreads that Whole Foods makes me grow. So I have no idea what Sam looks like. Sam, you want to describe yourself? How do you know what my brother looks like? Because he's got pictures up and stuff. Well, and the selfies that I send them. When I go through his garbage... Yeah, I like that Mike's clearly a stalker.

He's like, no, no, no, I go through his albums on Facebook. I mean, of course I'm going to be doing that. I look like my brother, only older and fatter. Okay. Oh, boy. sam's a bragger he's bragging over here geez yeah come on man i'm not as young and skinny dorky looking as he is yeah there you go right and you're older which is that's a strike right wait yeah yeah you hate old does that mean it's a long walk? What? A strike?

Long walker? Because you're old? I don't know what's happening right now. I don't think anyone does. Sorry, I got confused by the helicopter landing. That chops everyone's heads off. Bring that thing down already. You can land.

It's clear. You're going to run out of fuel. If it's low enough that it decapitates everyone. Now, the helicopter's waiting for the music that goes... Are you guys broadcasting from the helipad in Isla Nublar or whatever it's called? Yeah, Isla Sorna.

Nublar is Return? I don't know. Why didn't they just go to the same island? It would have been cooler to see, like, you know, the first island all, you know, falling apart and broken. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't they?

I don't know. Yeah, they went to another island. Is there a new Jurassic Park coming? I think so. I think there is. Yeah. I'm sure it'll. Is there a new Jurassic Park coming? I think so. Yeah. I'm sure it'll be great. All new dinosaurs.

Yeah, they're not going to trot out those tired, you know, dinosaurs that we all know. These are not your grandpa's dinosaurs. Yeah, it's going to be a brontosaurus with a backwards hat. Pretty cool, huh, kids? They should just make up all new dinosaurs that are fake species that are way more badass.

Yeah, but I mean better than that, because the raptor is not... It's the Skrillex-atops, huh, kids? Look at that. Looks like Skrillex. They should have giant biceps, like a lot of them, pumped out biceps. Yeah, T-Rex should have giant biceps, like a lot of them. Pumped out biceps. Yeah, T-Rex should have giant biceps, but only relative to his tiny T-Rex arms.

They're the size of like human biceps. Right, with like a little tribal tattoo on there. Yeah, some barbed wire. Everybody's always making fun of him for them. So do we want to bring up the elephant in the room which is this google complaint we were complaining about before we started uh oh yeah you had to mention oh boy yeah our sponsor google is gonna be pissed about this now this is a nice fresh f this uh kind of complaint here that i log into my google and they've gotten rid of the fucking links on the top that say news gmail all

that crap you got rid of the links and uh and they put it in this little grid button that took me forever to find. Where is it? You can't even see. It's to the right. It says Gmail. Yeah. What the fuck? My point about this is like, what was the point?

Yeah, you're saving space, except it's just Google with giant white blank space. You don't need space for the Google homepage. There's nothing there. So what was the point of getting rid of convenient buttons? Now I have to click two times

instead of one time. I can't even, I can't even deal with all this clicking right now. It's just too much. And they have this stupid search bar now

on Google.com. Oh boy. Yeah, that's gotta be new. I want my mail. I don't want to search for things. I want to type in the entire address of every website that I go to all the time.

I don't need any help finding my favorite websites. I can ask Jeeves anytime I need to. Pretty soon Google will just be a blank, like just white. It'll be blacked out. You just have to move your cursor over white space forever, hoping you find whatever it is you're looking for. Yeah, you just keep scrolling down. Oh, I hit entertainment news. I got it.

Yeah, but seriously, what the fuck is the point of this? Like, it makes no sense. Oh, it's so sleek. I have to click two things. And then I can't even see all the buttons I need. I have to click more. So I have to click like four times to get something that was just all there. And there's nothing.

They didn't put anything in. There's no point to this. So stupid. I think you totally nailed it, that one of the two monkeys I'm talking to with the... I'm just looking at your icon for your show. Whoa, Sam's a racist. Yeah.

We are black males. No, it's just to get you to accidentally click on the Google Plus or whatever. That's what it is. Yeah, that's exactly what it is they're like oh here you are google plus i guess you remember now huh pretty cool right now you're trapped at google plus yeah what about when they started a subscription that was like okay you have to pay five dollars a month to just have the buttons where they used to be i'd be like all right i

guess i have to do that so yeah give me back our buttons buttons. Maybe that is a good business idea. On OkCupid, I tried to change my stupid name that I put in because people were telling me how bad it was. Can you tell us what it is? I already did. It's stupid. It's just stupid.

It's stupid66. Yeah. To potential possible lovers, you said i'm stupid 66 yeah so wait the site's called okay cupid have you you don't know that site no i'm married that's how that's how lydia and i met i told you really yep swear to god you've really never heard of that nope have you never been to a comedy showup comedy show? He has because I told him about it He doesn't remember anything I go to Google and I just look at my email

That's all I do Now they have the search engine There's no OkCupid button on Google Sam's more of an Ashley Madison guy, I'm guessing Yeah Farmers only So it's called OkCupid like OkCupid You take control of my life now?

Is that what it is? I don't know I never thought about that Probably Couldn't get any worse, huh, well also probably cupid.com was it was taken i don't know what was what is what did you say i said probably cupid.com was already taken so they just were like right whatever okay cupid okay cupid it's all up to you now cupcake.com what is that oh that's a dirty uh well yeah i don't want to know what that is oh yeah, yeah. That's... Whatever happened to...

What were the other dating sites? I thought there were bigger ones. There's like jdate, match.com. Okay, match.com, yeah. There was Lycos. Well, there's Christian Mingle, obviously. There's Crystal Pepsi. So you guys don't use bulletin boards anymore to get hot chicks.

BBS. ASL. No. Question mark. No. Chat rooms. All these sites we're talking about are just ripoffs of Christian Mingle. That's all it is.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They dumb it down. Okay, now I know what you're talking about. Right. Yeah. Sorry, Sam. I should have said that. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, Cupid. But anyway, so I try to change my name, and they tell me I have to pay. Really? You have to pay for your sins. They just said you're going to pay. Yeah, they didn't say how much. I am paying.

Your whole team is like old women. That's why you have to pay. They only give me the shitty ones. For a week. You have to date at least two of them. And go all the way. Well, that goes without saying. If you date an old woman, you're going to watch it instantly.

That's the only benefit of dating old ladies. Yeah. You have to give them an okay cupcake, too. It's a pretty big benefit. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to downplay it. Yeah. So, I want to circle back to why you would name yourself stupid.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't really remember. It was a while. It was a few years ago. You let this stupid guy put his penis inside you, lady. I think when I was like 17 or something, I thought that would be a cool name for a band. I know, but you're not 17 anymore.

Yeah, how old are you? What the hell? 32. He was born in 66. Actually, I didn't even think about that. Jesus Christ. That could be another part of it people think i'm just a stupid guy born in 1966 90 of people's email addresses is their name and their birth year at the end at whatever shit i don't think about that. Maybe I should just pay.

So they just think you're like, can you guys help me out? How about everybody pitches in to get my name changed? So like, man, this guy is stupid, but he looks good for his age if he was born in 66. Let's have a good jeans. I guess I'll give him a shot. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, is it working?

No, not at all. Not at all. I mean, I've met a few women, but it's always me taking the initiative. Yeah. I'm not getting, I haven't gotten any good responses hardly. Well, I told you, Sam, we're podcasting on top of a pile of money and pussy. Yeah, why do you even need to mess with OkCupid? Because some people, it's never enough, right?

Yeah, there'll be enough when I'm dead. That's when it's enough. His pussy-related death. Yeah. That we're all praying for, right? Fellas! The only way to go. If you're going to go out, that's the way to go.

I'm going to drown in that stuff. Pussy, that is. So, speaking of O, Thomas, I heard you recently did stand-up for the first time. No, I haven't yet. I want to. Speaking of pussies. Sam, how did your stand-up set go that you were going to do that one time?

I never said I was going to do it. It was like seven or six years ago. I'm going to do stand-up. Sam refuses to leave the house because he has to go through a gate. Let alone get on stage in front of strangers. I only travel if it's a direct shot, no stopping. He's afraid of gates.

Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead. No, no, no. Let's all talk. Let's all just say go ahead you go nope no you go first no good guys um i uh no i was just i get i get nervous and stuff and i i didn't want to go when i didn't they they also had the little stipulation like if you bring someone you get bumped up in the list if you don't bring anyone you might not get to go right and i don't have any friends.

I'm in a weird position where I want to do it for the first time, but I'm nervous and don't know if it's good. So I don't want to ask a bunch of people to go. I'm pretty sure you're the first comedian that's ever thought that their first time. So maybe you shouldn't. Yeah. But no, but what I did do is I saw they have some improv classes there. And I was like, I'm going to do that, make some friends,

get to know the place a little bit better and make me less nervous and so I did that and it's been fun how do you know if people in an improv class are really your friend you know say are we friends they say yes and given me improvising everything so yeah no I like the yes and joke That was pretty good Thank you Oh I didn't hear it Whatever I'm on Skype

I thought mine was pretty good Yeah I haven't paid my Skype provider This month So you're taking improv How many classes have you taken? I've only taken one And I dropped out

But it was great No I'm just kidding Did you buy the book? No it was fun No I'm not buying any fucking book I don't think there is a book What are you There's like a million improv books No buying any fucking book. I don't think there is a book. There's like a million improv books. No, I mean for this class.

They don't have a textbook or anything. Yeah, it was a joke about how you buy the book and then you drop the class. Yeah. Right, right. I just go to the library and use that one. Just go to the improv library. Go to the library and use that one book they have. Yeah, all the good stuff is already underlined.

Yeah. Next time you're in the dining hall, the improv dining hall, just ask somebody if you can borrow theirs. In the quad, the improv quad. Which dorms are you staying in? Yeah. So what kind of stuff were you working on for stand-up? I have a million things, but it's very similar to F This Stuff. It's that kind of stuff were you working on for standup? I have a million things, but I mean,

it's very similar to F this stuff. It's that kind of thing. Yeah. Um, but it's like, I don't know. I, you know,

I don't know how to do it yet. I just need, I need to just go do it. Cause I, you know, it takes doing it a million times to really get it. I would say, um,

did you stay for the open mic to watch it or do you just didn't go at all? Uh, nah, I watched, I found some people's clips on youtube and they were fucking horrible and that helped a little bit oh yeah they're just so bad you can pretty much guarantee that you probably won't be the worst one there but i the first time well because i started doing improv first but then going to open mics and not going up like kind

of getting the lay of the land a little bit made me a little more comfortable with it so you know they'll let you kind of like baseball you can stand like a little bit behind into the lay of the land a little bit made me a little more comfortable with it so you know they'll let you kind of like baseball you can stand like a little bit behind into the side of the guy who's doing his stand-up and kind of like mouth you know like pretend like you're doing one too like you're on deck yeah exactly you should also swing a bat too yeah take a few practice swings with a donut yeah there's a bullpen that comic sucked but thomas took some good cuts back yeah good for him man timing looks great. Getting real good out there. Yeah, I mean, stand-up is one of those things where you just...

Yeah, but I'll still keep some of my catcher's gear on just in case that guy gets out before. I'll have my shin guards and the... Yeah, and then you could have a catch... Your athletic supporter. Yeah, you could have literally a catchphrase with your catcher's mitts. You know, like, ball four. Am I right, ladies? You could make a bunch of baseball puns.

Yeah, well, I'm looking at a sampling here of my terrible notes. I could mention a couple things just because the show's sucking right now. No, I'm just kidding. Let's all laugh and pretend like it's good, okay? Yeah, so I just need you guys to pretend. Well, here's the thing. Actually, I kind of want to ask you guys. Do you do any sort of like atheist type stuff or not?

Being as that we're both born-again evangelicals. Yeah, I know. Jokes on how atheists are so dumb. I want to get born again. I do stuff that, yeah, I definitely do some religious type stuff. Like I have like one bit about, you know, when people say that God has a sense of humor, you know, type of stuff. Yeah. No, that's a good one. He's hilarious.

It's like think about how funny he could be if he actually had a sense of humor. Yeah. I mean, I've got a few in there that are, you know. I'm going to give them away right now no i know and i was just as you're saying that that's the problem i constantly run into is like i want to kind of mention what my bits are to people it's like okay you can't get in the mode of like am i gonna do this bit right now or oh yeah then you end up just kind of summarizing it and then the guy whoever you're telling is like. Yeah, but a lot of times the premise is like kind of the...

Yeah, and it's definitely not the same either. Like, I hate those people that are like, oh, tell me some of your jokes. Like, people that I work with in the office are like, no, that's not how it goes. There's usually a context and, you know, it's not... There's a reason stand-up clubs aren't open in the middle of the day and have fluorescent lights and cubicles everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, everyone has to be on drugs for any of this to be fun yeah they gotta toss a beach ball around yeah and since i'm only drunk at work it doesn't really work out yeah well i have a million like religious type ones one thing that i ran into in my podcast lately um that i think is funny is prayers where they're,

I've probably mentioned this to Sam. I can't remember, but prayers, there's a bunch of prayers in the Bible where they're like telling God, they're like, you know, you're the God, like they tell God what he is on the last episode of the Bible, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I assume none of your listeners listen to that. So I'm just going to repeat it. It's like, why are you, if someone came into my house and like started telling me like this lamp that's yours you're the this you're the owner of this house this is your house like you own that desk you want like that's essentially what the prayers are to god they're like uh so we're your people and you're the best god like all this shit you think god would want to hear that he'd just be like dude i know i know i get it yeah i know all this like why do you do why

god would be like hey let's have a conversation man let's let's. Like, why do you do? God would be like, hey, let's have a conversation, man. Let's talk about stuff. Why are you just talking at me like, oh, you own this. You're the best in the universe. I know all that. I'm God, I know. Yeah, they're the desperate kid in class. Like, oh, man, yeah, no wonder you did so good on that test.

You're awesome. Can I study with you? Yeah. But it's even more, like, specific than that. You've got a pencil. That's a. Yeah. You've got a pencil. That's a killer pencil. You've got a notebook. This is your notebook.

This belongs to no one else. Yeah. But that's what I think would actually be pretty funny is that you know so much. Well, I guess you don't know so much about the Bible. But like reading it. I don't know shit about the Bible. But reading it so closely, like your criticisms are probably super specific. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like some pretty know shit about the Bible. But reading it so closely, like, your criticisms are probably super specific. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like, some pretty deep Bible knowledge. Like, I was reading Psalms the other day. Can you believe this shit, you guys? You guys know Psalms, right? Yeah, there's a ton of stuff I'd love to do out of there, but I just don't know. I also don't know how the audience is where I am, if they're religious or, you know, I have no idea. Only one way to find out, man.

Yeah, exactly. Just go burn a cross and see what happens yeah and then i think my other some of the other themes like that that i'm i don't know if anybody's done this shit before but i love how i was just thinking the other day i love how the earth the earth is freaking like 6.5 billion years old and just all these fucking animals dinosaurs were around for millions and millions of years seriously like what is it like 300 million years or something we can't even fathom that amount of time right and then humans are here for two seconds and we're like yep this is all for us this is all ours this is all made for us everything's ours this was us like we're the point

of everything we're the point of evolution it's like dude dinosaurs were around for so fucking long 250 million years i can't even i can't even think about that like it's you can't even imagine it and like god the idea that that was all for nothing like oh no they were just shit they were just hanging around for 300 million years for nothing that was a 300 million year blip all right we've all made an accident for 300 million years okay god just kind of spaced out for that time. He's just like staring into the planets. All his investors wanted something right away. He's like, fuck, okay, a dinosaur.

I'll just put these dinosaurs down there for a while. They were a placeholder species. Right, like each new dinosaur is like the new version of the iPhone. Like iPhone 5S, how about a Triceratops? Yeah, and then after 300 million years, finally he was like, okay, we need to do something other than just a new version of a dinosaur. It's getting old. Hey, guys.

So they made a cheap dinosaur. You ever think about making something in your own image, you know? Yeah, I don't know. But then how do we even assume that... Seems like a douchey thing to do, right? Kind of narcissistic. And then how do we even assume the the assumption they make too is like well that was all just whatever his process for creating us well how do we know

we're the end product why aren't we just we've only been around for maybe a million years like at most not even that i don't think it's more like hundreds of thousands 10 years and so how do we know we're not just like another like a more advanced fucking dinosaur that like we're gonna lead to something way better because we suck so i could imagine did dinosaurs sit around and be like well we're pretty shitty i understand that we're just leading we're just leading to humans because we're terrible we're got these wings and shit and this weird yeah I like that they're going through an existential crisis, too. Like, I mean, we fly around, but what for?

Humans will be here soon. I imagine in, like, year 200 million, they're like, God, I know we're pointless, but, like, how long is this going to go on? I know there's no point. We're only here for humans, right? I wish a meteor would just kill us all right now. There's no point in any of this. And then they had to wait another 50 million years for that.

What were you going to say, Sam? Oh, I just thought of a little bit I was going to do for our episode. But I have so much material. I could use it tonight. As always. You just reminded me of a human thing. Well, because I have a new baby boy. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah, I found him out in the yard. Yeah, don't congratulate him. He's really annoying right now. Yeah, he's really annoying. Well, this is part of the bit is that you just made me think of this with your dinosaur-human talk. He's part dinosaur. No.

Dinosaur-human hybrid talk. He has beautiful wings. Dinosaur through and through. I hope you live in a tolerant community. You made me think of it when you said we suck or we're terrible. This is the weirdest thing. I think I already told you this before,

but the baby is born and all it does is eat the milk from its mom. That's all it eats. You can't give it water. They don't eat anything except for milk from the mom. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. I think his stupid baby fell on his internet.

Hey, Sam. Calling Sam. Sam. Mash down on the receiver several times. Don't say anything if you're having a good time, Sam. I'm back. I can hear you. Where did it drop off?

Baby's not drinking water. A baby is well before it was funny no i'm just kidding oh yeah so the baby's born and uh all it can eat is it's you know the mom's milk there's no you can't give it water you can't give it pretzels anything like that you can't even put chili powder wait not. Wait, not even pretzels? No. What the hell? Not even deliciously salted pretzels. Wait, why did I buy you all those baby pretzels then? I ate all of them. Why were those on your register? It's one of those gifts that's kind of for the parents, even though it's sort of for the kids.

Anyways. It's bags and bags of pretzels. It's baby those pretzel rods, I guess. You haven't fathered any children yet, I'm guessing. You two? Not to my knowledge. I guess maybe not.

Not that I take care of. Do you realize that all a baby does is fucking scream all the time because it has like gas pains from eating the only source of food that it can eat,

which is mom's milk. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot about this bit. That was a good one. That's like God set it up so that the baby is born, it comes out, and it's supposed to drink this perfect elixir of milk that the human body makes for its offspring.

And all the fucking baby does is scream all day long because its own digestive system can't handle the milk from its mom. That's why it's screaming? Yeah. They have gas pain. I mean, they scream because they realize they're going to have to work one day, but that's only like 5%. They realize their own mortality.

There'll be no social security left for me. Mortality is the best thing part of life. No, they scream because they're hungry a little bit, but most of them, at least my kid, most of it is because he's just 8. His gassy kid. And he has gas. I'm crying from his gas. Extremely painful gas.

It's totally true, though. How weird is that? How shitty the human body is? Like the cable handle, the only thing that's perfect for it to eat, which is babies, you know, breast milk. How long does that last? I mean, is that like, do there... Probably like 22. Okay.

Yeah. Does their stomach eventually and, you know, their digestive system get used to it? Yeah, yeah. We never have diarrhea or anything like that from eating after our babies. It's all perfect from then on out. We all dispense. Yeah, I'll let you know when my diarrhea goes away. No, it's like, I don't know, three, four, five months, maybe more, six months maybe.

Jesus. Still, it should be no time. A baby should come out. If someone actually designed the human body and said breast milk will be what the baby eats, it would come out and it would be a perfect. It would give the baby everything it needs and it would digest perfectly and the poop would come out and it would be like a little pet. It would be delicious poop.

Yeah, they would re-eat the poop after that. Sweet, sweet baby poop. Yeah, and then it would make sense, like, if you tried to give the baby some other shit that's not that, that it would have all these problems then you'd be like you fool i gave you a perfect like a mother's milk you've been giving this baby vitamin water all day yeah not to mention the fact that most no not most a lot of women can't even breastfeed their own baby that's a whole nother really no uh they're just lazy yeah no they can. So they can breastfeed other people's babies?

Yeah. Just not their own. It's just weird when they do their own kid. Is that true? No. I mean, is it true that most women can breastfeed their own baby? Yeah, it's true. Why?

Yeah, because they can't produce enough milk. Really? Yeah. Well, I guess God did set it up so that up until 20 minutes ago in human history, like half of babies died their first year. Or not even, they didn't even make it through the 30s. Those were the days. The good old days.

Yeah, we got all these babies surviving all over the place. Thanks, Obamacare. Eating up all the pretzels. Those babies love their rots. They come to our country, they take all of our pretzels those babies love their rots they come to our country they take all of our pretzels anyway back to more dinosaur talk yeah that hot hot topical dinosaur talk um so dinosaurs are really around like 60 million years no long enough i'm pretty sure no it's pretty sure he said 300 really no this is one of

this little factoids that i fucking love the difference between the time when triceratops no sorry stegosaurus existed to when t-rex existed is longer than t-rex to now isn't that fucking insane yeah like They're around for fucking ever. Millions of years. Like, it's insane. Yeah, I love the people that say the Earth is only 6,000 years old, too. And they're like, well, the devil put the dinosaur bones here to tempt us. It's like, really?

That's what he would do? He would just spread these bones all around and be like, ah, gotcha. I actually dated a girl whose parents believed that, but they said the reason was that so archaeologists could have jobs. What? Yeah, yeah. No archaeologists have jobs. That's just like the devil to try to provide employment for people. Right.

That's God's cruelest joke of all. And there will be archaeologists. The truth is the devil created archaeology to fuck with people who think they could have a job doing archaeology. That's the actual truth. How come? That's the actual truth. Okay, here's a question for Thomas. Does the Bible ever – like a lot of Christians today are kind of like, you know, well, science is like testing your faith or whatever.

You know, like you have to have faith no matter what. But does the Bible suggest that God's going to test your faith like with science or something? You know, I'm probably not far enough to where those kinds of passages are like, because in the Old Testament, it's seriously, all the Old Testament is, is just God going, believe in me. Like he just destroys a bunch of shit. He's like, believe in me. Like, that's all it is.

He's like yelling at everyone and like burning them and then telling them to worship him. There's nothing good in the Old Testament. It's horrible. And everybody's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, we suck. Oh, yeah, yeah. Good call, bro. Good call.

Yeah. Cover me in boils. I deserve it. Good call. Thank you. I think that happens. Yeah, it's so stupid i read i don't know this might be wrong but i actually read that the the test at the end of life from god is you

he just puts out a car and you have to just kick the shit out of it like street fighter 2 that's the actual test you can crush the car you get like 60 seconds oh wow you just do just hit just axe kick over and over i thought you said like puts I thought you said, like, puts out a card, and I was thinking you were going like, yeah, pick a card, any card, see if you get in the head. That was... It's like a card trick. You're the insane clown pussy mythos.

I was just thinking about that stage on Street Fighter where you just kick the shit out of the car. Well, there was one, and that one... I was always, like, too young for those games at that time, but that one was... There was one that was impossible, right? Like you just couldn't,

no, the car was pretty easy. You just use Ken and ax kick a thousand times and the car's gone. It's awesome. Yeah. Hyundai was pretty good at that too. With the, uh,

the fast arm thing. That was his name, right? Hyundai. It wasn't named after the car company. Hyundai. Is that his name? Hyundai.

Hyundai. No, it's a, is that E Honda? E Honda. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. i'm just mixing them all up honda was the knockoff version it was like a cheap yeah what was his name kia sofia that one guy yeah yeah i'm just fucking around kia yeah was there a street fighter one i don't remember there being yeah yeah i was just thinking that really yeah dude not only is there a street fighter one i actually saw it in the arcade like at this weird arcade like in the 90s i saw street fighter one arcade it was the weirdest

stupidest thing it was basically like uh double dragon that's what it was like you just walk it was like two guys walking around and kicking stuff. So it wasn't even like a fighting game? Oh, man. I'm going to look like an idiot if I'm wrong. That's what I remember, though. Yeah. Weird. How many thousands of listeners are going to be judging me right now?

Oh, tens of thousands? Street Fighter 1. No, I'm wrong. Maybe it was the... Well, let's all play Street Fighter 1 right now just to see. Yeah, let to load it up there's even more anyway more bible talk yeah no my latest thing that i'm finding funny is um i just am thinking about this today and i'm sure there's some explanation but i love how jesus was

jewish and the people who think jesus was the son of god and like is god they think he got religion wrong like they shouldn't be Jews. Like wouldn't you just, wouldn't you think like if you worship Jesus, like that was your whole thing, like he's God, but then he was wrong on his religion. Like how does that make any fucking sense? I don't get it. Wouldn't you just believe what he believed? I don't.

Well, did Jesus like kind of start his own new sect of Judaism? No, he totally didn't. No, people, people did that. Like people assign all these new things to Christianity. Oh, yeah. That's the funny thing about it because you know how Jews don't really accept Jesus as a prophet, right? And the sign...

That's the only prophet they don't accept. Huh? Oh! Take that, you Jews. That was funny. Yeah, Jesus didn't think he was the prophet even, I don't think. I mean, it's all retarded. I'm sure there's some dumb...

Well, the Old Testament says that a prophet's coming. No, the Old Testament predicts a prophet. I think that's the only reason why the Bible usually comes in the combo pack of Old Testament and New Testament. I know. I tried to decide one, but it's... I thought it was just because I was going to Costco and I was like, they're always... I got the bulk pack of the Bible. Yeah.

And then mine has the next Karate Kid with it for some reason. I was trying to think of those stupid books. Oh, I was going to say Da Vinci Code. Damn it. That was the joke I was going to make. Yeah, mine has Old Testament, New Testament, and Da Vinci Code. I was going to say mine had Ranch with it, but I don't know why that would even make sense. Mine has Old Testament, New Testament, and Lucky Charms.

That's what mine has. Yeah, I never understood that either. It's like, yeah, that Jew's right. Christianity. What? He's never said that. Yeah. Yeah, and then they obviously, just to wrap that up,

they went back and made, the people who wrote the New Testament and all the Catholic people after that, just went back and made it so that jesus satisfied all those requirements of the old testament and even though it totally wasn't meant that way at the time it's so stupid so what did jesus claim that he was just like a prophet of god i don't know i mean i think he just preached a lot that the end was coming like jesus literally would say like they always say like make no what does it take no thought for tomorrow or something like that that phrase like that's from the bible because

jesus thought the world was going to end like it was the rapture do it the bible he thought the rapture was coming like he so i mean it's weird that he was wrong about that too why did god here's another question that you probably won't be able to answer. Keep them coming. Why didn't they retcon that? Why did they leave that in that Jesus was wrong about the end of times coming? Why didn't they change that? I don't know. That's a good question.

I mean, well, I don't know. Which verse does Jesus take the wheel from? That's when they were headed to Jerusalem. Paul was driving. I believe it's Proverbs that says, where's the beef? Yeah. Jesus take the wheel. I don't know why I always think of Jesus take the wheel.

It's just the weirdest. Or Jesus is my co-pilot. Yeah. He has to be there for everybody. Yeah, I'd prefer an actual co-pilot. He has to be there for everybody. Yeah, I'd prefer an actual co-pilot. Just even in life, just having a co-pilot sitting next to me. That's why I'm doing anything.

Just confirming all your stuff. I just saw someone driving and they drop their wallet on the left side of the car. And they're like, Jesus, can you take the wheel for a second? I get it. Or Jesus is like that asshole that you drive with. for a second i get it or jesus is like that asshole that you drive with it's like oh don't hit that person don't hit that car yeah yeah

you backseat driving son of a bitch okay jesus you backseat jesus jesus christ i'm sort of a backseat jesus how often did jesus's friends just say like god jesus fucking christ oh get it like just all the time i'm just kidding you buddy pass me some of that wine do you think like before that they were like yeah way yeah freaking way jesus i'm about to lose it. Yeah. All right, fellas. Well, what else is going on with you guys? Nothing goes on with us. I thought you were going to use all my material for months.

You even had a baby just to have something to talk about on this podcast. Yeah, I know. I know. Why am I getting reimbursed for that? We'll try to send you something What about a formula? Does that help with the baby? Can it digest that? It's worse isn't it?

No it's worse Formula 40 That's my history degree Who's going with the turntables right now? Nice sawing I'm scratching out a few beats That's Mike on the ones and twos. They call me DJ Stupid.

Stupid as hell. Oh, my God. I did stand-up last night, and there was a DJ. Oh, rub it in my face. Yeah, okay. I get it. I haven't done it. I understood the Bible.

It was tough, too, because I had to haul my big balls up with me to the microphone. There was a DJ. It was DJ Q too, because I had to haul my big balls up with me to the microphone. There was a DJ. It was DJ Q, and he was playing music in between everybody, which is really unnecessary. It's like the next nerdy white guy. It's like California love. It's just too much. He did the hip-hop air horn. Do you guys know that?

What that is? It's like that. It's in a bunch of songs and stuff. But I guess it would be better if you knew what that was. But I got him to play that during my set. Like I was like a Def Jam comic. So I would do one of my jokes. I would normally do it.

And then I was doing it like, man, can y'all believe that? And it was like. It was cool. I was like, yeah, my man DJ Q. And yeah. It was like, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. It was cool. I was like, yeah, my man DJ Q. But if you guys knew that sound effect in the context, I think you'd enjoy that. But yeah, it was fun. I don't know anything about DJs.

I'm not really. Yeah, just go to Google, that white box. No, I won't do it. All right, go to our sponsor. Go to Bing. How is there not a DJ Tanner? There might be. It's just the whitest DJ ever.

DJ Tanner is the last DJ I knew about. More Neil Diamond coming at you, y'all. More Beach Boys. Exactly. Remember how the Beach Boys would just stop by the set of Full House sometimes? Yeah. Well, isn't it because Uncle Jesse was in the band or something? Doesn't he play? Yeah, but was in the band or something like doesn't

he play oh yeah but not in the show oh okay i don't i don't think i thought it was all real it was just life imitating art all right all right so nothing else is going on with you guys with what's uh the podcast is uh is chugging along right you guys uh do you put out one a week yeah we're uh we're back on it because i moved over here and i forced sam to come over so yeah we're back we're back in he's just constantly fucking busy with his business uh what's your uh what's your business sam none of mine right the business of show what is it no i don't really talk about it. Show business. Oh. That's pretty mysterious. No one knows what he does. He's a drug dealer.

I think it's just a lot of masturbating, but anyway. Right. Brother, if that was business, I'd be rich. Oh. I masturbate a lot. No, yeah, and I'm doing mine. I'm trying to get back into it. I recorded, I banked like two episodes, so that's at least three more weeks of T and the B.

So that's pretty cool. Nice. And you were doing those live for a bit too, right? Didn't you have like a video component? Once it became so fucking repetitive that I have to like, I can't even get any motivation to do these episodes because it's so bad. So I just, the video added like an extra layer of like annoying complication to try to figure out.

And I was like, all right, I'm stopping that until it's like more interesting. So I'm never doing video again. Now, maybe like once it hits the New Testament, it'll be interesting or something. Yeah. But how long do you think that would take you to get to the New Testament? It's going to take forever. This fucking thing is so long. Still forever away.

Do you wonder how many times in the history of man That phrase has been said Just get to the New Testament Trust me when you get there It starts to get really good I love that That's the ultimate argument That Jesus was full of shit Is that he believed in the Old Testament

It's the dumbest fucking book ever It's so bad It doesn't matter what the New Testament says. If you tell me Jesus believed in the Old Testament, then that guy was a fucking idiot. What? I forgot what I was going to ask. Oh, yeah. Okay.

So aren't there like a few podcasts kind of ripping you off right now? Oh, are there? I don't know. I thought there's like a couple that are doing the same thing you're doing. Look, Josh and the Bible has been around for a long time. Oh, really? I I don't know. I thought there was a couple that are doing the same thing you're doing. Look, Josh and the Bible has been around for a long time. Really? I didn't know that. That's funny. I wonder if they actually know about mine

or they just had the idea. They probably just had the idea themselves, I'm sure. Yeah, Mike and the Koran is something completely different. It's a guy named Mike and he reads the Bible, so it's totally different. I steal every one of your jokes not the same yeah and that was the funny part of listening to thomas the bible it's just your contempt for it like this is so fucking stupid i hate reading cubits again

yeah well the ultimate and i don't know if i told sam about this but like i had to read through this fucking boring shit. That was like two books or whatever you call them. I think it's their book. I don't know. Whatever. Books, chapters versus. Yeah.

And then there was another and constantly in this book. Right. Sam, it would say, oh, and as for the rest of this guy's story, why it's isn't it written in Chronicles? In the form of a question, it would say, like, isn't it written? It's like, why are you asking me that? Like, I don't know. Is it? And then I get to Chronicles and it just fucking repeats the same fucking shit I've already

read in a slightly different way. It's fucking pages and pages of this bullshit. I can't even believe it. I'm not. I quit. You just talked me into it. I'm done. But I just love how like there are people who believe that it's

the fucking creator of the universe wrote a book and they won't read it there's no way they read the whole thing taken out of my cart he was gonna get it on Amazon Prime too I have reward points too yeah I am going to get

this the problem is I wait till I want to buy a few things. So I got like the Bible in there. I got like an HDMI cable and like a mouse. A coffee mug that's shaped like a toilet. Do I get the mouse and the HDI cable by themselves without the Bible? It's a waste. I don't know.

Yeah. Speaking of mice, this was another that just reminded me of a stand-up bit I had written down. I don't know if this is funny at all. Doesn't it seem like mice don't exist in movies? Like computer mice. It's just like... I thought about that too. That drives me fucking nuts.

They're like, hey, let me just type. Yeah, it's like enhanced. Like they just type a bunch of things. Why don't you just click on stuff? No one ever clicks on a mouse in a movie, ever. Like in a spy... They're googling how do you enhance something they type like they write a million things for no reason all the time like yeah keyboard right yeah i want one i how funny would it be though it'd

actually be a really good idea just even seriously for like a bond movie or for one of those spy type movies to just say like enhance and then just have a guy like click like a zoom button. You know, like they would be really funny. I think people would like catch on to that little joke. Somebody's got to do that. I guess that takes away from the suspense. They're like, oops, accidentally right clicked. Hold on one sec.

One sec. Yeah. How do we know how many typos those fuckers are making? Like they could be typoing the shit out of everything. There's no way they're that accurate. You know, they never hit backspace either. They're like, oh oh whoops sorry it'd be awesome as if like they were doing a really yeah like a scene where a guy's got to do a bunch of things on the computer really quickly

and he accidentally hits like the slow scroll button on the mouse so that like it just shows him like rubbing the you know you know i have to like pick up the mouse and like keep doing it over and over again to get it to scroll even an inch. It'd be so suspenseful. He has to get down to a button to do something. It does that weird thing on Microsoft Word where all of a sudden the letters are gigantic

and blue. It's like, whoops, I highlighted all that. Sorry, guys. Hold on one sec. Or someone does a bunch of typing commands. Like, you know, you got to hack the mainframe or whatever the heck it is. And then he does a bunch of like typing and he's like, oh, shit, the window wasn't active. That wasn't going anywhere.

Hold on. Let me click in that little box. Let me close Outlook. It's like in his Facebook status instead of like. Right, right. Yeah, you see all these like commands like backslash, slash, slash. Oh, shit. I just sent my grandma the enemy's coordinates.

Fuck, sorry. She is going to be weirded out. I don't know why I just thought of this, but this should have been one of our first questions. How did you guys meet? Yeah, set the scene for us. Here we go. The first time I saw this asshole, I can't even remember. This son of a bitch.

Busting your balls, Thomas. Yeah, I love that type of talk. Like, you know, the guys in the 50s could never be nice to each other. Like, this son of a bitch bastard over here. I love you, you dumb. Busting my balls. You still eat meatballs, you fucking dope. I actually do remember the first time I saw my brother.

Really? I don't remember that. Well, you wouldn't remember it. I don't know if this is a joke. I mean, this is a family show. Why don't I remember that? Can I make jokes about testicles, or is it going to get weird? As long as you say testicles.

No, this is a true, 100% true. I'm not joking right now. I'm being 100% serious. I'm not looking forward to this story. What? I'm not looking forward to this story. What? I'm not looking forward to this story. No, no. It's actually flattering.

We were both in the bathtub. I can see your gigantic penis. Yeah, that's basically what it was. Because our parents didn't find out if you were a boy or a girl before. You know that? Right. Yeah. No, I don't know.

Before what? Before like a month ago? Yeah, until recently. Now, you know how you can tell if it what? Before like a month ago? Yeah, until recently. Now, you know how you can tell if it's a boy or a girl in like 20 weeks or whatever. So they didn't do that with him. I don't know if they did it with me. Anyways, so we were at the hospital when you were born or whatever. And then they brought you out and your balls were like a huge, like going below your legs as the nurse was holding you.

And I was with our dad and he was like, oh, wow, look at those balls. That's definitely a boy. Totally not you. I'm 100% serious. My baby girl has huge balls. So you're like, look at the balls on that chick. Yeah.

So then after the surgery, they had to clear up the whole vagina balls, penis, and mess. Right. Conglomerate. My daughter's going to be a quarterback.

And now you have nothing. Yeah. That's a smoothed out hump. Smooth as a baby's... You have a nice Ken doll mound. With all the sensations of a penis. The weird thing is, though, not to get weird on you guys,

but I kind of have not big balls. That's a weird thing. I wonder the correspondence of like child, you know, baby testicle size to like when you're an adult. I wonder if it's like totally backwards. Right. Like you would know if you have small or big balls. Like how do you even know?

I constantly compare my balls to the other men that are naked with me all the time. Don't you do that? Last time we had Thomas on the show, I talked about my balls. Oh, yeah. Did I? You have a weird spaghetti thing or something on the show, I talked about my balls. Oh, yeah. Did I? You have a weird spaghetti thing or something?

Yeah, I have spaghetti in my balls, weirdly. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you had some weird, like, defect or something, right? Yeah, probably like 10% of men have it. But it's just like a little. I thought you were just being nice. I know exactly what you're talking about. Completely freaked out.

You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, spaghetti sack. Yeah, sure. We all know that. Do you really know Sam? Are you joking? No, I know what you're talking about. It's called, god, yeah, yeah, spaghetti sack. Yeah, sure. We all know that. Do you really know Sam? Are you joking? No, I know what you're talking about. It's called, God damn it, I know the name for it, too. I can't remember.

Pasta balls? No. Close. Pasta balls. Yeah. It's called testicles primavera. Verica seal. Verica seal.

That's what it's called. Really? Yeah. What is it? Verica seal. America seal. Oh, yeah. My friend. Oh that oh yeah that's my balls wait a minute like 10 percent of people most people don't have an issue with them at all but well 10 of them i have an issue with them but like if you take umbridge if you do it may

or may not cause extreme pain that i may or may not have dealt with before. Oh, that's that thing? Yeah. Oh, wow. It sucks. Jesus, I hope I don't have that. I wish I could hug you. Yeah.

Guys, I'm going to put my balls on the screen. Just tell me if I have that or not. You guys... Does spaghetti make my balls look big? guys are doctors right did you uh holy shit this is podcast worthy sam would you trade prior for tavon austin because i'm going to right now he's gonna trade me fucking prior for tavon austin no the opposite i'm trade the only league i would talk to you about the Dynasty Dynasty League, what is it again? he's seriously gonna take

Pryor for Tavon Austin oh my god, who? alright, quit fucking around guys how do you know each other? who's stupid enough to make that trade? Will, he's doing it oh fuck you, Will. You fucking idiot.

That is the stupidest fucking trade I've ever heard in my life. More like won't. Yeah. Anyway, I had to bring that up. It's that dumb. Dude, do it yesterday. Yeah. I fucking love Tavon Austin.

I got to stop the show. I got to, yeah. No, no, that's cool. I think we're going to wrap it up soon, too, actually. Yeah, this sucks. No, I'm just kidding. We got to cut our losses. Hey, how did you know our signatures? Yeah. Oh, sorry'm just kidding. We gotta cut our losses. Sorry, let's talk over

each other some more. Oh, there's one thing I wanted to ask everyone, though, that I've been thinking about. Here we go. Better have to do with balls, or I don't care. We all have rigatoni in our sacks. How are we able to talk to each other faster than the speed of light through Skype and phones and stuff? It is the speed of light. It's called the speed of light through skype and phones and stuff it is the speed of light

it's called um the power of it's called uh what's the word for it fiber optics yeah yeah yeah how does that how does that work i thought nothing can travel faster than the speed of light it's not faster than the speed of light it is the speed of light yeah it's fine can't you tell okay here i'm gonna do a test and tell me if this is about the speed of light it is the speed of light yeah it's fine can't you tell okay here i'm gonna do a test and tell me if this is about the speed of light ha ha okay the difference between was that about right okay now shine a flashlight yeah now i'm gonna shine two blasts for my flashlight at the same time and you tell me okay you know when i was little i was so dumb well we were all really dumb i thought the speed of light was really when you turn on a light switch, how long it takes for the light to turn on.

Yeah, I actually thought that. No, but just to get all nerdy, sound travels, like sound waves travel at the speed of sound in space. It's just sound that we hear is through air and it's different speeds. It depends on the medium. But in space, it's the speed of light. Like radio waves are the speed of light. So that's the nerdy answer. Okay, well, that's good enough of light. Like radio waves are the speed of light. So that's the nerdy answer.

Okay, well, that's good enough for me. There you go. I've actually been asking people that, and no one's given me an answer that satisfactory. On OkCupid or just like generally? Yeah, I'm wondering why I'm not getting any updates. Look, fill up my profile. I'm just like asking random women.

This fucking stupid 66 is stupid questions. Look, I'm not here for dating. I just want to find out this one fucking question that's killing me. Well, married man. You get all these smoking hot chicks sending naked pics and stuff

and you're just like trying to figure out this fiber optic situation. He's like, okay, I don't want that. How are you sending me these naked pics so fast? Yeah.

I care nothing of the content you sent me. Wow. I'm like, oh, my God. How did I get this so quick? Yeah. Yes, it's your vagina. I see it.

Great. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Where did you get that brownie? All right, fellas. Well, this was fun. So if you guys can send us the audio, the separate audio tracks, and I'll merge all this stuff together. We'll have a spaghetti sack of a episode.

I started a little late because I had no idea when you were starting the actual show. Yeah, they do that. I should have told you. They like to start their show weirdly when you're still putting your... Anything. Some semblance of decorumum but no show sucks yeah your favorite thing ever they do that like 30 times in a god it's so funny i can't yeah

i wouldn't say every episode just most of the pretty good the good the good ones yeah all right so hurry up and order a pizza get the hell over here that's all right do you want to do papa murphy's guys everybody do you want to do papa murphy's or we're doing papa yeah give me breadsticks please does it travel faster than the speed of dude if you order it i'll pick it up because i gotta do a bunch of shit before i head over it's a little faster all right see you guys thanks for the podcast nice and uh wait you guys are on twitter right there's an at oh f this podcast can you do at t and the b promote that and uh yep there's that f this podcast but that's i don't do it doesn't really do anything yeah and i don't have time all the masturbating i got my own business to run

on twitter yeah he's got a business to run here. All right. Sorry. At T and the B. That's just you, Thomas, right? Yeah. Well, geez. When you put it that way. And the Bible. Sorry, I didn't mean to describe it. It's the Bible listening. It's me. It's you, huh?

Oh, sorry. Actually, Thomas, you paid me a compliment. I think you said I had the only funny Zimmerman joke. I appreciate that. Oh, yeah. Way back in, I think. You said I had the only funny Zimmerman joke. I appreciate that. Oh, yeah, way back in the day. Oh, what was that? It was really funny.

Oh, it was Zimmerman. It was that he broke into something to steal his old trophies or something. Yeah, I said the saddest thing is he was just really trying to steal his old memorabilia back from his wife. That was good. That was awesome. I was so sick of everybody's stupid. Yeah, because, you know, he got busted again or whatever, right? Oh, yeah. Sam, I don't know if you follow that. It was awesome. I was so sick of everybody's stupid... Yeah, because he got busted again or whatever, right? Oh, yeah.

Sam, I don't know if you follow that. It was funny. I kept seeing all these annoying fucking not funny tweets about it, and everybody tweets the same shit. Stupid. Smelliest tweets. It's Thomas and Sam. Not funny.

Sorry. We're not funny. Sorry. We're in love with our own shitty thing that we had to do. It's the only good part about our show, and we didn't really do it. Except Sam kind of came up with the words to those. It's funny because I wrote that one, and I thought it was so dumb. Because I just put a bunch of bullshit together over and over again. It's just his inflection. No way it's going to be funny.

And then that was one of the best ones. Yeah. Yeah. Are we still recording? No, no, no. We can actually say the N-word now, you guys. So feel free. Let loose. Everybody in unison.

The N-word. But no, Thomas, Sam, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks so much, guys. Keep the episodes coming. They're highly entertaining. And yeah, if you so much for joining us. Yeah, thanks so much, guys. Keep the episodes coming. They're highly entertaining. And, yeah, if you guys end up in Maryland, you know, on your stand-up tour, feel free to stop by our studio. On the F This tour.

Yeah. All right. Thank you. That was fun. All right. Thanks, guys. Thank you so much. See you.

See you. See you. See you.