The Digression Sessions - Ep. 95 - Sara Armour! (Da Dip!)

Episode Date: October 29, 2013

Twitter: @SaraArmour @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod COME SEE US DO STAND UP AND IMPROV - DigressionSessions.com/Calendar We'll be celebrating our birthdays at Hour Haus at 7 pm on Sat Nov 2! Playing music! Free show! !!! Hola DigHeads! This week on Digression Sessions Podcast we have the interesting and talented Sara Armour! Sara is a very funny DC stand-up as well as a professional life coach. Josh and Mike had a great time chatting it up with this engaging and charismatic lady, and may have actually learned a little something about themselves. Topics discussed on this episode include Sara’s secrets of success…, and the difference between male tagreted lesbian porn and the kind that’s made for actual lesbians (yes, it exists).  Plus Sara walks Mike through the root causes of his ever-festering rage boiling just beneath his thin facade of ignorant serenity. Yay! Thanks everyone for listening! Please come out and see us do music and such this Saturday Nov. 2nd at the Hour Haus in Baltimore, 7 to midnight. Also, if you can please leave a comment on our Facebook page and subscribe to us on Stitcher. Thanks everyone!  

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week. Sarah Armour is the guest on this week's program, and she's not only a super funny comedian, she also works in advertising, and she's a life coach, and she imparts some of her knowledge on Mike and I about setting goals and the secrets to success. And here's a spoiler alert. Her secrets to success involve saying success properly. Her secrets to success may or may not involve penis. So you can fast forward if you want about a half hour and Sarah shares her secrets with us. She got so excited she bumped the microphone and we had to take a break to reset everything.

But hey, we love that type of enthusiasm. And we love us some Sarah Armour. And if you want to go see Sarah live, she's usually performing in the Maryland, D.C., Virginia area and all around. I know she tours. But you can find all of her dates at saraharmor.com. That's S-A-R-A-A-R-M-O-U-R dot com. And she's also on Twitter. At Sarah Armour is where you can find her. And you can also find your favorite pair of dickheads. You can also find your favorite pair of earbuds on the Twitter.

I'm at BetterRobotJosh. Mike is at MichaelMoran10. And the podcast is at DigSeshPod. And for all of our upcoming shows, you can go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar, and it'll have

everything there as far as improv and stand-up dates for mike and i and saturday november 2nd is the the huge show that uh we really want you guys to come out to mike and i'll be playing um in a cover band and i will have some other local bands playing on saturday november 2nd jesus christ and on november 2nd saturday november 2nd. Jesus Christ. And on November 2nd, Saturday, November 2nd, come see Mike and I at the Hour House in Baltimore, Maryland.

It's in Station North on North Avenue. We'll be playing in a cover band, playing a bunch of music all night. And Mike's band, Echo City Summer, will be playing. We'll also have other local bands. And there's going to be improv and stand-up and snacks on snacks. It's a free show.

It's mostly just a hangout. It's kind of a celebration of our birthdays. But not really. It's more just an excuse to hang out. So please come to the show. It's a free show. We love as many digheads as possible to come out and show some support. Hang out.

Shoot the shit. It would be fucking fantastic. Thank you guys so much for listening. We really do appreciate it. Like I said, come see us live, digressionsessions.com slash calendar. What else we got going on? Sorry the episode is late. It was my birthday weekend, and I was down in Ocean City, Maryland,

and, you know, got a little selfish. I also started watching Friday Night Lights. So what do you expect out of me, huh? Clear eyes. All right. Clear eyes. That's Ben Stein if he was in the Dylan Panthers locker room. Thank you. I think I brought this intro to a screeching halt. Thank you guys so much for listening.

Without further ado, let's get into the episode with the fabulous Sarah Armour. We love you. We love you. I like your logo, too. Oh, thank you. My friend Aaron did that. He's a talented dude. Yeah. All right. Can everybody hear themselves? A little bit?

A little bit? I can hear myself. I feel like I don't hear myself, but it's okay. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you, bro. Do you hear me? I understand.

That's what you're saying? I hear you, man, but you're just going to have to deal with it. What the fuck are we going to do about it? I understand your complaint. Yeah. The Dig Sesh ladies? Oh, yeah. They're good.

They're good. The Digettes. Whoa. The Digettes. I dig them. Hey, now. Hey, now. Hey, now.

Who was that thing that said, like, I dig it or whatever, or, like, dig them? Wasn't there, like, a cartoon frog? The Smackums frog. I think he was called Digum. Yeah. What was his name? What was his name? And all he would say is Digum?

I guess so. Didn't he have a shirt that said Digum? Yeah, but are you sure there was a cereal called Smackits? Smackums? Smackums. I think. I feel like there was a game called smack it smack it followed by it was popular in the early 90s rape it take out your childhood issues on it

yeah pull it pretty muchantle it psychologically. And then mold it to your liking. Yeah. Like the army. Okay. I'm looking at, no, it was honey smacks. Oh, right. There you go.

Smack-ems. Smack-ems. It popped up when I searched for smack-ems. Google finished it and wrote cereal. It knew. I'm not allowed. What did he say on his shirt? Was it dig-em or smack-em?

It was bop-et. Smack-em and dig-em. Pull her hair. No, it said'm not allowed. What did he say on his shirt? Was it dig him or smack him? It was bop it. Smack him and dig him. You know, the very best thing of all was that there was a counter on that ball. That's true. Was there? Well, that wasn't the bop it, though. I think that was a part of the bop it thing.

Skip it. That was part of the it family. That was part of the bop it. Lorraine bop it that was part of the bop it that was part of the it family that's part of the bop it lorraine bop it skip it skip it wasn't there a song i i think yeah yeah that was it very best thing of all skip it skip it thank you guys you've been great thank you guys good night just seven dudes in a room they're like skip it skip it what are we gonna do for the song wait a minute jerry Jerry, you're a genius. You just said it. Let's get lunch and then we're done. Before we decide on the lyrics, let's figure out what the very best thing of all is.

Then six months later. I've got it. It does a counter. Okay. All right. Sarah, I know it's weird to have that thing in front of your face. Okay, I'm hiding behind it. Can you even see my face? It does look like you're –

It looks like when you were on TV in the 80s talking about the mob. Everybody could see everything else about you except for the little top. It's me here doing the podcast. I feel like we talked about this before, but what about when they have gang pictures on those gang shows and they just blur out their pupil, like their eyes, and they're covered in all these identifying tattoos and have these weird haircuts and stuff.

We don't know who it is without his eyes. I swear to God, if I ever figure it out, though. Okay, Sarah Armour. Hi. Hi, guys. Thanks for doing the podcast. Thanks for having me. Yeah.

What are you doing in Baltimore? Because you said you were going to be here already. Or is that secret business? No, it's not secret. It's for one of my jobs. doing in Baltimore? Because you said you were going to be here already. Or is that secret business? No, it's not secret. It's for one of my jobs. I was here for, it's Baltimore Ad Week.

Oh, and can you get closer to that? Yeah, how's that? No, that's okay. Perfect. There we go. Thank you. So it's some sort of math celebration. You can lower it too.

There we go. Okay. Oh, yeah. How's that? Did I fuck something up? No, you're good. I did it right? Yeah, just don't touch

that metal part right there. This? The silver part, something up? No, you're good. I did it right? Yeah, just don't touch that metal part right there. This? Silver part, yeah. Okay. And you're good. Anyway, go on. That's why I was in town for Baltimore Ad Week. That's why I was here.

What is Baltimore Ad Week? For those that don't know. For those that don't know. For the two or three that don't. It's basically. For the Mike Moran's that don't know. So for you two, basically. What?

And for everybody. It's for you two. It was sparsely attended. I'm sorry. So maybe this would be good for the AAF, which is the American Advertising Federation. We do have a lot of listeners involved with the AAF, I've heard. Well, you're welcome. Get off.

Get off. Get aff. Never mind. Get aff? I'll do a slogan for that. Get off. I feel like slogans are the one thing they probably don't need help figuring out. Yeah, that's true.

But, like, you know, you could try. I came up with Skip It, Skip It. So I'm a pretty big name around there. I already know all the lyrics. I came up with Enjoy. Before that, they were just like, Coke. Oh. Put it in your mouth hole, idiot.

No, they're like, Enjoy. Anyway. Put it in your mouth hole would catch on. That's our. Put it in your mouth hole would catch on. That's our. Put it in your mouth hole. Your motherfucking mouth hole. You can drink Coke. You can drink Coke.

That was when they introduced it in Russia. You can drink Coke. Trail off at the end. Basically, it's just like an event where people like go and talk about advertising. And it's like a place to network people like go and talk about advertising and it's like a place to network with other advertising professionals in the community and they have like presentations and so there were some presentations on social media today that i went to some presentations on pr and content and how they're used together and

sounds awful would you learn anything um i wrote just like a bunch of emails uh-huh while i was not listening. It's the equivalent of being in class and just knocking out your homework for other classes. 100%. That's exactly what I felt like. And actually, I was so much more effective. I was thinking that I should go to events more to not pay attention. Right. Because when I have something to not pay attention to, I can really refocus intensely.

That's really interesting. But when there's nothing going on, I'm in my room looking at the wall like I can't write this email so maybe if I put something really boring on television then I'll focus on something else yeah put on like Bob Ross or something no something boring you're into Bob Ross

I am a huge fan of Bob Ross you're looking at a big Bob Ross head over here a Bross head a total Bross head I'm actually the leader A Bross head. He's a total Bross head. I'm actually the leader of the Bross club. Putting the bro in bras. You know, he actually donated every one of those episodes to PBS. Did he?

Yes, he did. And they're just like, okay, Bob. And he was like a Marine in Vietnam. He was? Yeah, it's crazy. Wow. Wow. Yeah, some of the most hardcore guys are Marines.

You didn't even know. Like Doug Powell, he was a Marine. Who's Doug Powell? Who's Doug Powell? He's on the wall here somewhere. Yeah, he's a comedian. I feel like I've seen him. Maybe I've heard of him. He was in D.C. for a minute, but he kind of stopped doing comedy.

Well, I do like Marines. There you go. Huell Hauser. I don't know if you guys know who that is, Huell Hauser. He's a public access guy in California. I think like Marines. There you go. Huell Hauser. I don't know if you guys know who that is, Huell Hauser. He's a public access guy in California. I think he died. But he was always, he had a show called, I think it was called California Gold. And he would just go to the worst places, like a tortilla factory.

And he's like, look at this. Oh, my. How do you do that? And the guy would be like, comes off the conveyor belt. He's like, a conveyor belt? Turns out he was a Marine in like the 60s. But yeah.

Anyway. That's something. Right. But I know what you mean. It's like, I've been furloughed, so I haven't been going to work. Oh.

But usually, like I hate going to work, but once I'm finally up and I'm at my cubicle, I'm like, man, there's so much shit I could be doing. Yeah. And now when I wake up at 11, I, like, I hate going to work. But once I'm finally up and I'm at my cubicle, I'm like, man, there's so much shit I could be doing. Yeah.

And now when I wake up at 11, I'm like, I've never seen the road. I should watch the road, right? Right, right. And you just don't do anything. You're like, holy shit, it's 4 o'clock? Oh, my God. Yeah. But versus, like, when you're somewhere that you have to be that you can't leave, you're like, I would be so productive.

Is being furloughed awesome? It's been pretty good. Yeah, I'm totally, like, Mr. Mom. Is this the longest you've gone without working in your adult life? Yeah, I think so. Or really like the longest you've gone without working or class since like kindergarten? No. No, because I mean even in like elementary school and stuff, you'd have summers.

Yeah, that's true. I mean I was a child coal miner for a little bit, but that was like, I don't know, second to third grade, as we're all wont to do. No, it's been good, actually. I mean, you just have time to do whatever you want. It sucks because you're like, oh, I could do everything or nothing. You know what I mean?

You have that kind of paralyzing feeling a little bit. Totally. But no, it's been good. I've been Mr. Momming it. I'll make coffee for my girlfriend in the morning. Have a good day at school, honey. You're sweet. I'm a sweetie.

I'm a sweetie. You're a sweetie petite. I am. I knocked out the laundry and vacuuming yesterday. Now I'm podcasting. You've turned into a catch all of a sudden. All of a sudden all of a sudden right it took me losing my job to become somebody

can you believe you used to be a marine I can thank you is it the doctor who coffee mug it's literally the doctor who coffee mug had it not been for that alright Sarah Armour what the hell were you doing at this conference

are you in advertising one of my jobs it not been for that all right sarah armor what the hell were you doing at this conference are you in advertising one of my jobs one of your jobs three jobs no rub it in yeah i have three jobs i just work all the time i don't even want all these jobs work and work and work one of my jobs is that i am the marketing director of a film production company and so i was here representing our company, and I represent a director. And so, yeah, that's what I was doing, and it's, like, pretty, you know, it's a little boring, you know.

I basically, I mean, I like what I do. I'm lucky to do it, but I basically just show up places and be there. So it's like a lot of my job is just like being myself somewhere. Thank God, Sarah. Thank God you're here. There's an open chair over there. Pretty much. I'll talk to you in eight hours.

Okay. Okay, good. Yeah, but it's cool because now I don't work from the office anymore, so I've been able to do other stuff. Yeah. My days are self-structured. Look at you. What was I going to say?

What kind of films is this film production? It's a variety of different kinds of films. Our bread and butter is probably, like, still TV commercials, like broadcast commercials. But we do all sorts of content. No country crock. It's, like, a lot of, like, energy and health care stuff. It's, like, not even that interesting. Really?

But then we also do, like, custom, like energy and healthcare stuff. It's like not even that interesting. Really? But then we also do like custom, like cool creative content. We do like interactive installations and web videos and like kiosks for trade shows. I love kiosks. And we touch screen kiosks, like cool, really cool kiosks. Yeah.

So, yeah, it's, you know, it's pretty magical. Cool. So what are your other jobs? I'm also a life coach. I knew that one. Yeah. Knew it.

I'm a life coach and I'm a comedian. Oh, boy. I have a new client, though, who I met at your show. No. Is it him, the guy that came on stage? Jeffrey? No, it is not Jeffrey.

Okay. But I would have coached him. That would be tough. I feel like that would be... I don't know. He was so open to the universe. He's pretty open. He's an open book. He's an open book.

Jeffrey just started sharing with me at the bar. I know all about his mother. I know all about his sex. Like his personal, like his genitalia? He told you that he's male. A little bit of both. He told me he was male and that he likes males. Oh, yeah?

His scene. Wait a minute. he's normally wearing a giant Madonna hat Is he gay? He's gay Whoa Huh Madonna hat didn't give it away No I just thought they were friends He always called her Maddie

Maddie He's like she's a bitch Do you know her? He's like, well, I haven't seen her, but she was late to this show. I've all blah, blah, blah. Now, the last time we had him on stage, he was talking about, I think it was like an anniversary show. And he's been coming to a lot of those shows. So, like, let's have him up.

And he's like, I'm having a rough one. Oh, he's always having a rough one. Always. Somebody tried to kill my fucking dog. They tried to steal my dog. You're like, okay. I bet his dog has the most fucked up hair. It's like one of those dogs that has a mohawk, but you're not sure why.

Right. It's just like the dirt is coalescing. It's just ruffled the wrong way. It just goes with it. Yeah. So who did you pick up? Or are you not allowed to? I won't give you did you sign the

hippo laws their name but he's an awesome dude and it's going very well oh um how do you get into life coaching you well you can do a number of different ways i am part of a program called accomplishment coaching and it's the bomb i recommend everybody should do it it's it's like totally changed my life like for the listeners at home she's making the jerk off motion i love it no it's like so awesome uh even just like if you don't want to be a coach just to do the program to have your own kind of life transformation is worth it so what is it called accomplishment coaching and how did you get into that did you attend a seminar or something no my friend laura westman was in the program and she i saw i hadn't i've been coached a while ago a few years ago just once and it was like profound i left crying and i was like i want to do comedy and then i like was too afraid to go

back to her because i was like i just i cried and i was so embarrassed and I was just not that much sure and I was like I'm not calling her back so I never called the coach back she's like she made a real breakthrough I hope she calls me like I'll never see you again I was such a little bitch and now I have to remember that because sometimes I don't get called back I'm like hey you never know like where someone's at in their process true sure true so um so I that was that but then friend Laura, who was an improviser, I hadn't seen her for like six months. And then I saw her six months later. And she's like radiant.

And she was just like, I don't even know. She was glowing in her whole. Her hair was different. And everything was different. And she just was amazing. And she was quitting her job as a barista to be a full-time coach. And she was just like, I found this amazing program. You have to do it.

I am now quitting my job. And I'm a a full-time coach and she was just like i found this amazing program you have to do it um i am now quitting my job and i'm a coach full-time and i have all this time for comedy and it's been the most transformational experience of my life and i love i've been in love with self-help stuff since i was like you could ask my friends in college i was like preaching self-help like giving i was like leading like visualization groups and like i was always really into that stuff yeah is that like secret stuff like kind of yeah like a law of attraction right right right and then you do like division board kind of stuff gotcha so i was always into that kind of stuff so what what is kind of your personal philosophy on on success like if you could just put it in a nutshell um my personal philosophy on sex success what did i say sex sex yeah sex is success i was gonna say? Sex. Sex? Yeah. Sex is success.

I was going to say... You can do that if you want. I was going to say, wow, sorry. I'm very single at the moment, so... On sex, on success.

Sorry to pull that boner, but to get back to complete Freudian slip. Well, I'm just going to kill myself now. What do I think about fucking... Well, let me tell you. Just sitting in here

with two dudes in my bright red. Oh my god. No, you're not red at all. I'm going to kill myself. I'm so embarrassed. That's all it takes. Okay, that's been the episode. We'll add the word suck.

Now we just need you to say the word suck. Dick? Sorry, what? It's still like an exercise i'm sorry did you say suck did i say suck you're the worst edited together podcast my philosophy suck dick success that was my joke i think the reason i said success you say repeatedly the reason i said sex was because i was going to joke. I was going to say learn to suck a good dick.

And then it didn't come out. It just came out sex. Whoa. Okay. So you're embarrassed that it came out sex instead of learn to suck a good dick? That's the edited version? I wasn't joking about it at all. Oh, I'm just so embarrassed.

I meant to say suck dick and I said sex. My personal philosophy for success is to suck a good dick. Also, not even be good at it, but find a good dick to suck. Right. You're saying that finding a good dick. That's interesting because I usually think about it the other way, but maybe it's something where finding the right dick is just as much a part of it. Well well maybe for you it's like how can i be the right dick right yeah instead of finding the right mouth uh-huh maybe the right mouth you need to ask yourself yeah right right yeah so

what do i do the right so we're talking like trimming or like should I yoga? Definitely yoga. Uh-huh. Skin moisturizer. Definitely moisturize. Oh, sure. The whole body or? Whole body. We're talking about my dick.

Cocoa butter. Are we talking about his dick? We're talking about the whole package. Oh. Which, oh boy. Oh, yeah. Whoa, was that pink? No, that's just a robot lady.

Are you still talking about my dick? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Play it again. Sure. Oh, yeah. I don't know why, but that is like music to my ears. It's all good.

Oh, it's probably because it's music. Oh, my God. I think it's music to everyone's ears. Oh, yeah. It's not music. That song is music to my ears. No, that one chord, that one riff. Dude, I was riffing in the car so hard today.

What? I was singing so hard as if I was a singer and I was recording it. What were you singing? I'm listening back. I was singing Ade adele best for last um you went and saved the best i love that song that's from like 1986 or something and then i was singing what was your song i was singing i don't remember oh i'll also because for some reason i've had this like remix in my head of did, but it's like my own tune.

I think we all have done that before. When I dip, you dip, we dip. Yes, I have a tune now. Have you changed the lyrics at all? No. I've been singing it in my head. I won't sing it in my voice. I'll just say what it is.

You can sing. No. I can give you a beat. You want a beat? You're going to accidentally say sex anyway. I don't know. I don't know what the... No, it's been... What was it? Now I can think of a beat. You want a beat? You're going to accidentally say sex anyway. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the.

No, it's been. What was it? Now I can think of it. Hold on. It's. I put my hand up on your hip. When you dip, I dip, we dip. You put your hand up on my hip.

When I dip, you dip, we dip. That's been in my head all day. But I only... So it's like a slowed down, smooth out version. Yeah, but it's not even the tune. And when I sing it in the car alone, I go really hard. So I'm like, I put my hand up on your hip. Like it's this soulful thing to do.

Dip, we dip. Yeah, it's like I'm going for it. Yeah, it's like about commitment now. It's like if you're going to dip, I'm going to dip. We dip together. It's about cooperation. Dip and flow and flow to the ground. Whatever.

You dip alone, girl. It's about mutually agreed upon. Dip. Dipping. Yeah. It's like. Dip, dip, dip. It's not like one of us dips and forces the other to dip.

No, no. Two consenting adults. Right, dip. It's not like one of us dips and forces the other to dip. No, no. Two consenting adults. Right, exactly. I put my hand up on your hip. Right. Then I dip. Then you dip. We dip.

Yep. You put your hand on my hip. And then you dip. We dip. You dip. I dip. We dip. Whatever.

But I've been singing in the tune for days. I like that. I wrote a new jingle for Shoe City. They didn't ask me to. Sing it. Okay, it goes, We built Shoe City. We built Shoe City.

We built Shoe City on rubber soles. Thank you. I like you. I should have gone to the ad thing today. I could have sold that. Were they there? I think they were. Are you serious?

Shoe City was? They were looking for a jingle. They're just running around like a frantic unkempt businessman. Does anyone have a jingle? We need a jingle. We need a jingle. It almost seems like there could be a city in Africa called Shoe City. Shoe City? You know how there's

regions named after the stuff that they would plunder from there? Wasn't there like South Dakota? Well, in certain parts, like in Liberia, there's a bunch of places that are named after American... Oh, yeah. I want to go to Coconut Water. There's like a Maryland

in Liberia. Fiji water town. Bubbly water. Oh yeah, bubbly water. I got my bubs. She does. I got that bubbly water. My bubs be dipping.

Why bubbly water? It's just like everything to me. I feel like it's just soda, impotent soda. Whoa. I'm sorry I said it. Well, that's the way to put it. Sarah. I like to think of it as jazzy water.

It's like if diet soda could get any lamer. If water could take over the world. It would become soda. It would become soda water. Whatever. Stop fighting, you two. Stop it. Stop it right now.

Can't stop. Won't stop. So what is your theory for success, Sarah? My theory for success is. Besides good dick. Good dick. Think she can do it in a PowerPoint. And you're like, oh, I don't know.

Number one, good dick. Good dick. And you have like a gram of bad dicks. Great dick. Circling a line through a bad dick. Not a good dick. Not a good dick. And then you have a black gram of bad dicks Great dick Not a good dick And then you have a black one Good dick A bunch of people writing notes

The black ones are the good ones Is it still a dick? My success is My secret to success Would be self-love. Self-love. And to live authentically. And if you're, if you love yourself and if you're actually listening to your, you know,

inner voice and really being who you are, like in a really authentic way, then you can have whatever you want. Because what you want is coming from a place of like what you think you deserve and if you think you deserve it then you can believe that you're gonna have and if you believe you're gonna have it you go and get it that's true that's true that's it so it's helping people fall in love with themselves oh and then the goal part i feel like that's really important too we have to be really clear about what it is that you're going for right because i've been thinking about that with comedy too because it's like oh for a while you're like, oh, I just want to do it, do it, do it. Then you're like, okay, well, what's the goal?

That's like exactly what I've been like, or I'm stuck now, too. I feel like the same. I was having this conversation with Matty Litwack yesterday. Matty, Matty, oh, my God, kill me, Matty. I called him Matty for a minute, too. I've never called him Matty in my life except for this one moment. He's like one of my close friends. But I'm picturing his name on Gchat.

Matthew Litwack. Matty Litwack. I was talking to Matty today or yesterday, and we were talking about how like with comedy it's so weird because the goal is really just to like there's no there's almost like no way to predict what's possible so it's like part of it is really just the goal of just being as good as you can be at this thing and then seeing where it takes you yeah but you know i don't know what's i was saying to him i'm like if you were me what would you want to be next you know i'm trying to figure out what like i i for me wait no well for the moddy you never know you might say that yeah but uh

for like me like even when i started the coach like i had all these goals comedy goals and i just like achieved them and now i'm like uh okay yeah no you're i mean you're doing pretty great you just did the benson ball right which we'll talk about but um with the goal thing because yeah i just started um like last late uh december early january and it's really fun to do shows and i just started hosting so now i'm like okay so maybe in a year it'd be nice to headline like a small bar show or something like that. So, you know. That's achievable. Yeah, I feel like it is.

But, you know, that's probably the same stuff you do. Like, oh, my God, headlining. Totally. And then now that you're doing it, you're like, ugh. Totally. And I'll give you guys a secret to goal setting. Oh. This is real life coach tips.

If you were my client, I would walk you through this more closely. But if you really want to achieve a goal. Here we go. First thing you want to do is. That's all the time we have. Thank you, guys. It's been great. And that is the end of the free portion of Digression Sessions. Cliffhanger.

Here's the secret to goal setting. What happened? Now a quick word from Professor Griff. Sorry, is that so boring? Am I the most boring? No. I am worried that your mic might be messed up, so let's take a second right here,

because I think it got bumped. If we had better stuff, it would be a lot. Like guests. No. Sorry, I just got to tap this. I fucked everything up. I'm the worst guest. You're the worst motivational speaker.

I'm a life coach. Is this Sarah's internal monologue? I've never been a good guest before. Why would I start now? Okay. All right. I think we're good now. I can't hear myself.

But who wants to hear me? Probably better off. You're better off without me. Okay. Alright, so, Sarah. I put my hand up on your head. Can you hear yourself? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that sensual? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that sensual? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do I sound different without my braces, you guys? Did you notice I don't have braces?

I saw the picture, I think, on Twitter. Yeah, I've been really tweeting the storm. You had braces last time? I had braces last time. How long ago? What do you mean last time? Like we met? Oh, Chuckle Storm? Yeah, Chuckle Storm.

Last time she was on the show. You realize this is her third time? Whoa! Of course, Sarah! Three times Sarah. This is what I get for working with a blackout drunk. What do you mean? You know what, Mike? I love you. So,

when did you have braces? I had braces. You gotta answer that, because the audio is messed up. What's the goal setting you got oh my god you want the goal setting again yeah i'm sorry i think somebody's just fishing for free life coaching lessons here and say if your name was like josh i mean theoretically okay so if my name was josh and i wanted to be headlining like local shows in a year sure probably what i would do is i would first then the first step for

everybody and you can do this at home the first step is you're going to decide on your intended results and by when so if yours is to be you gotta lean into that oh sorry okay so for yours is to be um headlining local shows in a year so the goal is to headline local shows by October 15, 2014. Yes. Then you spend time, write at least a page about what that experience is like. Really get into it, how it feels, what it looks like, who's there in the audience, what kind of jokes you're doing, what your material is about. Even if it doesn't exist yet, just go crazy.

Whatever it is. Envision it. Envision it completely. Get it all out there. It's almost like you're writing the review of... Yeah. It just happened to you, but it's about you. So it's not like, Josh was wonderful tonight.

It's like, I did this, and it was the bomb, and I feel amazing, and I cannot believe it. Ray Lewis was there. We high-fived. Exactly. He was jealous of me. I don't know how he heard about the show, but I'm so glad he was here. He was doing pelvic crotch thrusts the entire time. And he fisted my girlfriend in the bathroom. See, I don't know why I have to take it there but I'm so glad he was here. He was doing pelvic crotch thrusts the entire time. And he fisted my girlfriend in the bathroom.

See, I don't know why I have to take it there. I'm sorry. No, no, no. That'll be a part of it. That's weird that you said that. Cool. Okay. I think you can just say restroom next time.

I appreciate it. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Restroom. Restroom. Restroom. Restroom. Restroom.

Restroom. Okay, it's in my head now. Then I restroom, you restroom. When I restroom in the restroom, then I will be in the restroom. The best room. I will be. We should have a jingle company. I will be in the best womb when I fist you in the restroom.

Mike Moran swinginginging for the fences You just brought tears to my eyes Yeah I do that That was amazing He's a poet He didn't even know it I think he had an inkling Did he know it?

Did you know? Did you know it? He's a poet and knows it And he shows it Yeah he shows it And with your help I hope that I can grow it Hey

That's what I do How goes it? I'm a And with your help, I hope that I can grow it. Hey. That's what I do. How goes it? I'm a crow-it. What? I don't know. I'm a crow-it. I'm going to kill this thing.

I'm going to crow-it. Okay. All right. So we're in the journal entry. So you journal for a whole page. Yes. Get it out. Then you list all of your skills that make this possible,

all of your resources that make this possible, and then you just start backwards. So you write a reverse milestone plan. So it's like, okay, so I'm at the show. I get hired for, what's the first step

before doing the show? I get hired for the show. What's the step before getting hired for the show? I do, I'm middling. Right, you're featuring for people. I'm featuring for a bunch of people. Yeah. First step before getting hired for this show i do um i'm middling right you're featuring for a bunch of people yeah first step before that is i i have a killer 30 minute set first step and then maybe in someone that then you can add in oh you know what i'm gonna need 45 so you add that back into

a step and you make sure that every step is really laid out and then you'll get to the bottom and eventually you know it's like then i i host the mcgoobies and then i maybe win the competition mcgoobies before that and before that i crush the competition at Magoobies before that. And before that, I crush 10 minutes at XYZ show. And before that, I'm crushing five minutes at every show, just crushing so hard. And then before that, it's like a new five. And then before that, it's like, here I am now. Nobody crushes at XYZ. Dude, I crush everywhere.

Have you seen that audience? I crush at XYZ. I'll take XYZ to the house. I'll put XYZ in my backpack and take it home. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Said it, meant it. Whoa. Sarah Armour. Jeez. Sorry, was that too cocky? the house i'll put a i'll put xyz in my backpack and take it home oh my goodness yeah said it meant it whoa sarah armor geez sorry was that too cocky i don't know i think that's the bubble water

talking it must be it's the bubbly talking over there anyway so that's the plan so then once you get to the bottom yeah then you ask yourself okay then what's the what's the next actions i can take just to get from step one yeah where you are or step zero to step one and then once you're at step one you say what i would do to get to step two where you are or step zero to step one. And then once you're at step one, you say, what do I do to get to step two? And so you actually keep digging into that plan. Yeah. Can I just pray? Sure can.

That sounds way easier. Yeah. Step three, let Jesus take the wheel. Well, once your project plan is there, then God will declare and fulfill. So when you say the universe, what do you mean by that? I mean like all of the energy that surrounds us and connects us. See, I'm on your page, but Mike thinks that we're crazy. Why?

Whenever I talk like that, I believe in energies and all that stuff. I do. What the hell is energy? I get Reiki treatments and everything. I'm really into it. What is energy? I love Rafiki, too. What the fuck is energy?

I don't know what you're talking about. You mean Rafi? The singer? Is there a singer? Rafi was cool, but rude. Was Rafi rachel angelo was a apartheid dude always a poet raffi always a poet always a poet everybody's a poet only you bridesmaid never a poet the old saying that's what they say um I don't know. You could definitely pick up on vibes and energies and things like that.

What do you guys say energy is? What is it? Energy is the it's like the tiny particles that we can't see. Like subatomic particles? Yes, subatomic particles that are Subway atomic particles. Oh, I touched it again. Oh, fuck. I fucked it up. fancy like subatomic particles yes subatomic particles that are subway that we sent oh i

touched it again oh fuck i fucked it up with our cell your energy is fucking it all big you totally just wait no i'm still here i'm still here it's all perfect my red chakra is okay it doesn't sound fuzzy i think okay this is the most disjointed okay um all right so energy yeah like same thing like when you're waiting on a table or when you're doing comedy when you feel like a joke doesn't go well there's an energy to that right or when you're yeah that type of yeah sure of course i believe in that i believe in yeah but i i think uh there's that type of stuff everywhere when you go into a room of people, there's an energy there. Everybody has a vibe.

People that are just total bummers have an energy there. Energy is, and we're going to read it, exactly what definition of. The mathematical potential for work, right? Energy is, I can't find it. I was going to try to find like an arty, like a spiritual definition. What did Marilyn Monroe have to say about it? Oh, she was sure about it being beautiful and people loving you for who you are, and then she killed herself. That was part of her definition, and then I killed myself.

And anyway, gonna kill myself. It's just like the vibes you share with the world. And we communicate an energy whether we want to or not. It's like your energy, even if you say words or whatever, even though words have energy too, thoughts have energy, words have energy. And then energy attracts more energy and it collects in the air and things start to... But are you talking on a level of like... Preach, girl.

If you put out a good vibe, if you carry yourself in a decent way, then you'll attract decency. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can accept that. But you still might get hit by a bus. Of course. Totally. But that's something else.

Yeah. I think it sounds like really frou-frou and goofy to be like, just be positive. Positive things happen. But I think like Sarah's saying, you actually have to put it, like foment that into action versus like, if I just think good, good stuff will happen. Some people think that if they do good deeds, they'll have good luck that's not

connected to the deed. But are you guys just saying that if you act in a positive manner, then positive people will be attracted to you and you'll have more opportunities? I think if you act in a positive manner, then positive people will be attracted to you and you'll have more opportunities. I think if you act in a positive manner, then you start vibrating on a different level. Like then your energy is actually elevated and your buzziness.

Now you're losing me. And your buzz connects with someone else's buzz. The buzz is the buzz. And then you start buzzing and then you actually are capable of even making a bigger buzz. And so that's the impact. And the same goes for negative energy. If you're feeling like if you have a low vibration and someone else is vibrating low and you connect, then you can actually bring each other down. Right.

So or up. You know, there's no rule. But like I think our brains only have a certain amount of space or like we can only think about so many things during the day. So I think it's really important to be responsible for your thoughts and be responsible for what you're putting out. Yeah, I agree with that to some degree. But you lose me with the whole buzzy connecting thing. No, because I think you believe in that too

because the same thing that we talked about when you had your surprise birthday party and you're like, God, I feel so lucky to be surrounded by all these cool people. I think you did that. Same way that you took action, kind of changed your life and that kind of thing. And you're like, oh, I feel so lucky to be connected and have these people in my life. It's exactly what she's talking about. It's not a coincidence.

Right. It's because you – You sought those people out. Yeah, certainly. Yeah. And you created your world. But that all seems very practical to me. That doesn't seem like – Right. It is practical. That's sought those people out. Yeah, certainly. Yeah. And you created your world. But that all seems very practical to me. That doesn't seem like...

Right. It is practical. That's what she's saying too, though. But most... But that's not possible if you're not able to... If your mind is not... There are a lot of people who feel like victims. Yeah.

And they're not actually doing anything to attract what they want. They're just dealing with what they... That's like... My brain goes to that constantly. To victim? Yeah. I don't present myself that way because I constantly have to fight it, you know? And I'm way better at it than I used to be.

But I totally have that mentality. Yeah. And it's like something I constantly have to fight off. And the victim thing is so, oh, it's just such a bummer because if you think you're a victim somewhere, you probably think you're a victim everywhere. Or you just have that habit of thinking. You have that pattern of thinking. So it's so useful to just start to like really bankrupt that thought or like that thought pattern because otherwise i mean you can either be a victim of the world or you can be you can be like at effect or you can be at cause and if you're at cause with the world and you're

actually on your own team and trying to create more yeah definitely you're just gonna have a more satisfying life rather than just gonna have a more satisfying life rather than just like letting things you know yeah i've definitely experienced both sides yeah it sounded like what you tell me is like you weren't like a very proactive person but now you're one of the most proactive people i know yeah i basically had to like overcompensate for yeah laziness and like fear you know yep like i literally literally spent years on the couch, pretty much, after high school. Really?

I was just like, fuck this, and just laid on the couch and barely did anything. It was a great couch, though. It was awful. Because in my head, that's what I thought I always wanted. I just want to relax, just chill.

I'm so sick of this world. It's terrible after a while. But that's how we learn, learn man we're all on our own journeys and we do stuff and we see how it feels and it feels good we keep doing it if it doesn't feel good we stop or we keep doing it we complain and we become friendless comedians god willing fingers crossed right guys right yeah so i think you do agree but just not in that language i well yeah it's a skeptical guy like your uh sp in that language. Well, yeah. Because you're such a skeptical guy. Right.

Your spidey sense goes off when someone's like, you're vibing with other people. Right, right. You're buzzing. You're like. Well, I just, I don't know. Like, I want to think of positivity and the virtues of selflessness and things like that. And like, I feel like we can live that in completely scientific terms. In completely practical terms. Without going into the supernatural. Well, there is that part

to it, too. Like quantum physics and stuff delves into that type of thing where they're actually seeing the two things do coincide with one another. But that energy is a real thing. I mean, that's the thing that's agreed upon. And even though you can't see it, there is a scientific belief that

energy has... Well, you mean quantum particles. Yeah, and it all has matter, and it all carries, and it all moves, and it does interact with other energy, and it's way before we even get there. I will tell you what book that is along those lines that seriously blew my mind, and to this day I really love it, even though I feel like the guy probably went a little too far in his later writings. If you plug the Da Vinci Code one more time

on this goddamn podcast. Deepak Chopra. No, I'm just kidding. Alan Watts' The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. Oh, I never read it. I want to write it down. What is it? It's called The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.

I guess this is being recorded so I'll just go back and listen. But that's awesome. Indeed. Is that like the... That was kind of a... When I was first learning about Buddhism, he kind of was able to put it into practical terms that made sense and kind of convinced me that it could be a decent philosophy and practice for

the modern human, you know, and he just kind of went into very practical things like the all is one type of thing, you know, like his, his take is just kind of that. We feel like we're these autonomous creatures where we kind of like, we have control of our bodies but who that like me like ends with my skin and that's where the rest of the world starts but it's not really like that like we're all kind of part of the same environment totally it's all connected bro yeah yeah well it's like also when you start to realize

when you come from a place of like separate and alone how powerless you are whereas if you actually like allow yourself to connect you're so much more powerful but that requires a level of like vulnerability and intimacy that most people aren't comfortable that's my problem and so right and so a lot of coaching is about actually getting you comfortable being a little bit uncomfortable so as to connect so as to be a part of the world in a really in a much more uh effective way right because everybody feels separate and alone that's the saddest craziest thing we all think that no one understands us and no one's having our experience so no one knows we've been through

and we have a worse or we know we have our own stories and at the end of the day we all have our own stories and so it's not about you know how they're different but it's it's about sort of how the how on a if you pull back on an emotional level it's all the same whether the problem is big or small because what's big to you and what's big to me or it doesn't matter it's yeah big is big right and how you experience it is how you experience it so totally yeah so it's all i'm really into that stuff yeah i can tell You're probably a good life coach. Thank you. Yeah, I'm thinking you're probably good at it. Well, you guys.

Explain it well. I definitely get good vibes from you. You believe it? Who believes in vibes? But I don't mean it in a supernatural way. Son of a bitch. I can tell you're just confident and joyful. Thank you.

And not somebody who walks around with a big, ugly chip on their shoulder. I have no chip. How do you do that? I have problems with resentments. Do you? Yeah. Okay. Well,

every, every day, every day I start thinking about people that have pissed me off and I obsess on it for like, yeah, it's a problem. I, it's like,

I think it's like an adrenaline thing. Like it gets my heart kind of going, you know, but then I feel miserable. I picture your alarm clock in the morning. It's like the news, but people you went to high school with Jeff Sanders just bought a BMW. Like, God damn it, dude. It's like, there's people you went to high school with. It's like, Jeff Sanders just bought a BMW. You're like,

God damn it. Dude, it's like there's a ticker in my brain to be like, hey, don't forget about the time this person screwed you over. Even looking at you right now,

you kind of look like this girl that fucked me over. Swear to God. Oh no. You kind of look like her and her name was Sarah too. Oh no. Sarah Armoire.

Was it me? I used to drink a lot more.'m just kidding i mean i'm not just kidding but i know it was the same level i drink the same now and i know it wasn't me so it's definitely not uh uh yeah so how do you live without resentment sir hear me in five minutes and then we're getting on to the okay okay so resentment i guess my question is um so that's in the past right all that stuff's in the past no it's in the future it's not okay yeah so you're a douche no it's not in the future it's in the past right and solved it if okay so it's in the past what do you want in the future do you want to not fucking kill these people okay so if you want to kill these people listen i'll

coach you around killing these people. I, it's not my job to judge my clients requests. It's just my job to coach them to it. Sure. So if you want to kill these people, no, your business card,

I guess the question is like, what are you going to kill these people? Killer coach, killer coach. Two K's. Yeah. Coach with a K. The Kardashians.

Oh, keeping up with the killer coaches. Reality show. Write it down. Somebody write that down. It's being recorded. Write it down. It's being recorded.

Go on. I guess my question would be, what does holding on to all of these resentments allow you to avoid? Taking a look at himself, right? Me, me, me. You tell me. I don't know. I think maybe I don't want to accept that the world,

that people are the way they are. I think I may have had a certain view. I'm probably like doing, trying to do your job right now and doing it way instead of just giving you a simple answer. I think maybe I have. Answer!

I think when I was a little kid, I grew up like kind of believing that the world was the way Sesame Street was. And because my parents were so kind to me. Like where the fuck are all the big birds? I kind of thought that the whole world

was like, yeah. I was like, where are the Muppets? You're looking in trash cans for Oscar. This homeless guy is hilarious. No, but like – and then I think I was shocked by how brutal the world can be. And then I think it all came to a head when I was in third grade and saw Lord of the Flies. And then I realized the potential of human savagery and how we're just like kind of a little bit away from that. And that our level of civility is just barely there.

And I think it's shots. No wonder you have anxiety. I consider this many times myself. Everybody in third grade is not really paying attention. You're just like sweating at your desk. We could all kill each other someday on an island. We're just four, man. We didn't read Lord of the Flies in third grade.

I watched it at home for some reason really? and then I read it repeatedly throughout the rest of grade school I didn't understand hardly any of it until somebody gets killed I'm no life coach but it's coming into focus that's a beautiful story about learning that the world isn't a perfect place

but you're an adult now and what does holding onto resentment allow you to avoid? look at that uh what does holding on to resentment allow go ahead mike me to avoid the moment the moment i think it takes me out of it gives me like an adrenaline charge and makes me feel like I could be powerful or something. Okay. So I hear two things. So like there's an adrenaline charge that you're getting out of it.

So that's the juice. It's worth it because it makes you feel like – Yeah, that's the Jewish part of it. No, that's like the juice. That's like when you're squeezing the berry. That's what you're getting. But then you're also not able to be in the moment because you're stuck here. So you're not present.

What else does it allow you to avoid? What does my resentment allow me to avoid? I don't know. Getting close to people, maybe? Getting close to people, maybe. But I feel like that causes me to not want to get close to people. Yeah, there you go. So maybe I'm focusing on this to have an excuse to not get too close to people.

And to not live in the moment. Okay. So what could you take on this week around getting that adrenaline rush from somewhere else? Right. I get it from exercise and stuff. Okay. So put that, make that the priority of where to get that. And then what can you do this week to one thing that you can do to live in the moment

and one thing that you can do to connect to people more? All right. Gay sex with Josh. Done. Always a good adrenaline rush for me. Perfect. I feel like living in the moment, I have to take a second and then do the here perspective. You want to know what my favorite trick is? What? This is a real what this is a real one your favorite when you cut that lady in half yes mine too i

love that shit right no the best trick for living in the moment is when you this is i got this from marie forleo who's a life coach that i really respect she says that when you catch yourself either future tripping or like living in the past or just like not paying attention to what is yeah wherever you are whatever you do you say out loud even if it's embarrassing i'm back and i have added on that you touch something or you listen for a sound you do something to actually like present yourself i give this to all of my clients to do when you realize that you're living that you're in the past or in the present oftentimes i find that before shows, I'm somewhere else.

And then I literally come back. I'm back. And I'll touch something. And I'll be just really clear about where I am. And, yeah. And actively do that. And it's helpful. I'll give you a try.

Will you try it this week and tell me how it goes? I like that absolutely well. I feel like I would fuck up and grab somebody's arm and be like, I'm black. Shit. I'm at the bank. I'm black. I be like, I'm black. Shit. I'm at the bank. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black.

I think that's a technique, speaking of Marines, that they do that type of stuff too where they have to be in sensory deprivation type stuff. Because I remember reading when Jim Carrey was the Grinch, he had to be in all that makeup

and all that shit for like 16 hours and it would drive him nuts. And one of the techniques was to have a rock in your hand because that would kind of pull you out because you would just focus in your mind like this sucks this sucks and then if you're like messing with that yep that would bring you back into the moment totally avoid it so yeah marines right i cannot believe you just connected jim carrey as the grinch and uh life self-development yeah self-development. Yeah.

Self-development. You're welcome, listeners. That's an improviser for you. There you go, Dick. The triangle of totality. That's a herald. We just did a full herald. Yeah.

Thank you, everybody. I do feel like we're going to have the cult of Sarah by the end of this. I'm hoping so. I'm enjoying it. Sarah, even if I didn't quite agree with everything metaphysically that you talk about, I still like listening to you. Thank you. I hope I'm making sense. I feel like.

That's a great compliment. Even if I don't agree with what you're saying. It's true. There's some people I can just listen to or talk to and just enjoy it no matter what we're doing. I appreciate that so much thank you i enjoy being here oh good same with you oh thanks also i wouldn't be able to do this every week it'd be pretty hard if we hated each other right there's so much feeling the vibes we're vibing guys this is good energy this is good that's energy this is good all that tingle Yeah All that tingle

All that tingle Hi I'm Sarah There's a lot of tingle in here We're all peeing ourselves I heard Patton Oswalt say something similar too About how you were saying When you saw your friend Laura And she was just kind of like beaming

And you don't know what it is But it's like that X factor He was saying that a lot of people worry about having that artificially. Like, how do I look good? How do I look cool? And that stuff comes when you're focused on when you're fulfilled with something. Yep. I mean, if you look at most comedians, not really attractive people.

Nope. But they have an energy about themselves, just something going on that they're following. I don't know if that's true, as far as not being attractive people i mean not not attractive but i mean like that thing where you see somebody you're like what is it about that like when they look they have that confidence yeah i mean not just saying attractive but i mean it's attractive in the sense where you see that person you're like oh i want to talk to them that type of thing well it's like i require all my clients to do like self-love projects uh-huh and like like masturbating listen it's on my list like i'm not even kidding i make sure that like i make

everyone do a list of things that they need to do daily weekly monthly like butt stuff whatever it is that gets you going man i don't judge at all but do whatever you need to do to like really love yourself and to really accept yourself and care for yourself. Do you not like using the word selfishness, though? I try to remind myself that I can be selfish, but just not self-destructive. Make sure that everybody lives from a totally selfish place. And I'm not kidding. Because I think the only way to really access giving is to...

Like, everything is selfish. Let's not pretend that it's not. Yeah, if you do something altruistic, it should be for your own fulfillment. Because you want to. Yeah. Otherwise, you're living a life of guilt. Be selfish. If everyone was just being selfish,

I feel like we would actually, everyone would share a lot more. But you have to learn the difference between selfishness and self-destructiveness. Totally. And like selfishness and greed. Like there's not, like you don't need to be greedy.

Because if you live a life of, if I just like say fuck everything and go get drunk and get a prostitute and uh go light a building on fire because i want to see it burn really badly that would be self-destructive because i would be self-reputation right and it would be destructive in general right we're not really we don't promote destruction but i do promote you know doing what you need to do to feel satisfied. And if it's an empty building. Or an ugly building. Yeah, totally.

Or an ugly prostitute. Oh, sure. It just depends. I mean, if there are homeless people in there, it solves the problem. Right. And you want to watch those flames dance. You know, whatever. Do what you got to do.

It just depends. Totally. Totally. It depends what building. All right, Sarah, you got to get closer to that mic. depends totally totally depends what building all right so you gotta you gotta get closer sorry it depends what building i put my hand up on your hip when every time sarah gets close to the microphone she gets self-conscious and does her song it's my self conscious song isn't it catchy though i like it i mean it's right up there with shoe cities so was that you sarah were you like kind of where mike was like a little like I mean, it's right up there with Shoe City's latest thing. I put my hand up on your hip when you dip my feet.

So was that you, Sarah? Were you kind of where Mike was, like a little self-defeating? And then you're like, hey, fuck this shit. I want to be a comedian. I got to get my shit together. Well, my parents growing up were really into self-help stuff. We used to have to do affirmations every morning. Really?

Yeah. Oh, boy. So it's kind of like we were always kind of those kind of kids are your parents still together they are nice um i think they hate each other but they are together okay and uh so i don't know if it's a good thing but they are together um and but then i got to college i lost my way a little bit and then i did stand up and then as long as you have your herds sorry let's tell you what herds what do you mean herds oh my curds and way oh oh that was last week's guest little miss muffet people miss people confuse me with

her all the time though it's that huge dress that you i know go on and my tough it looks like her tough it i wasn't gonna say anything thank you you know you're sweet i'm glad that you are confident i'm aware of my tough it you're self-aware of your time i know about my tough it thanks okay hey on with the tough it talk anyway i got all blocked up and then i got really afraid and i was a really fearful person for a long time and I thought I was a victim of my parents financial circumstance my parents went bankrupt and I thought I was fucked and I it was I lived with a guy who I loved but who you know really took care of me and I wasn't really taking care of myself and I was doing a job that I hated and I was fat and miserable I was probably like 30 pounds heavier than I am now And I all of a sudden found myself with 22 fat

With dental work doing work I hated And like it took a long time to reteach myself How to you know be my best self Not that I'm my best self now But I'm trying to be You know Whereas before I was just like everything But you're loving life for the most part

I really am actually That's awesome Thanks Yeah doing good Just did the Benson Ball You got your braces off. Yeah! Look at you.

How long did you have braces? For like four years. Really? Yeah. Wow. And it feels amazing, right? It feels amazing, except, you know, I thought I was going to leave the dentist's office and just have higher cheekbones and fuller lips and just be ready to take over the world.

It does change the shape of your face when you get braces. Pop in some implants while they're at it. Well, I just look exactly the same as I did last week. Just as pretty, huh? Right? No, I thought I'd be so much prettier. I thought I would be like a goddess. I thought I was just going to all of a sudden

just get a boyfriend walking down the street, and now I'm just like, oh, no, you look the same. I went out that night, no one even said anything. No one noticed. I'm like, uh. You just kept smiling a bunch. Government shutdown, huh? What's a furlough? Whatever happened with Somalia?

Darfur? Somalia, where are they now? How old are you now? 27. Oh, there you go. That's a pretty good turnaround. You're killing it as far as the stand-up goes. My friend David Kravitz told me about you.

Oh. And I was a little weary because, you know, when some people are like, oh, my friend does stand-up. You're like, eh. Yeah. He's like, well, here's a video. And then it was you at the improv. And I was at the DC improv. I was like well she's gotta be pretty decent just like stumble up there and they're like give her a microphone let her try yeah and it was good you're very funny thank you

congrats and this benson ball i keep bringing up how was that it was awesome yeah that was tignitaro put that together right it was It was so cool. It was really fun. There were really fun parties. And it was cool to, like, you know, be at the same place with people you admire. You know? Right. And it was really cool because it was so clear that, I don't know, for me, life coach, right? You're just like, anything's possible. These people are just people.

They're 10 years older than me and they're just people yeah and like this is not that cool to them this is their job and like actually it's my job and we're all here doing the same job like right but you're like a kid i'm like oh my god it's you and they're like yeah okay exactly i just feel like let's pick it up here i feel like we're all it is i felt like we were all in like one of those grade schools that was like a an elementary school and middle school and they were just like the 8th graders and I was just like in the first grade but like I knew where I was headed and like you know and I was still down to hang. Recess bro!

Yeah. Recess isn't important anymore. Exactly. We're over it. It's like your recess is different than my recess. Even though we both have off and it's like okay well whatever. Whatever. We're still on recess. But yeah so Wyatt Cenac was there, Doug Benson, Brody Stevens, right? I smoked with Doug Benson.

How'd that go? I mean, he didn't know who I was, obviously, but I walked in with Haywood and there was like people smoking in the bathroom and I was just like, Haywood's like, come on in here. And I was like, okay. So I went in and the joint was being passed around and I was like, okay, can we talk about joints on the podcast? Oh my.

Sarah. The one rule. The one rule. We can joke about balls and prostitutes all night long. But joints, who are you now? This is on ABC Family. Oh man, I'm sorry you guys.

Let me knock my mic out again. So you just sort of like weaseled your way into the circle and he's like, alright,'re next we were just like good marijuana cigarette right everybody well thank you dog i was on the local show bye yeah it was pretty cool yeah uh did you get to meet any other big big comedians um or smoke drugs with them i did a show later that was not a part of the benson ball but that was with two benson ball comics at um sixth and i oh nice and it was awesome and that was sarah schaefer from the

nikki and sarah show and um jenna friedman who is a producer at the daily show she's one of the field producers and that was actually really fun to hang with them. And Jenna was, like, so cool and gave me really good advice and really enjoyed spending time with her. Just because you don't meet a lot of really cool women in comedy. And, like, she was really cool, and we had just a really fun time. And I didn't expect to. I thought I would just, like, go back to my friends.

And I ended up hanging out with her for the whole night. I took her to my other friend's house we hung out and when she like you know she was down to just do whatever and so that was really fun she's like take me all around your town stranger i felt like i had a new girlfriend for the night you know and in the comedy world i don't have that many girlfriends and i had no girlfriends there yes friends with that many ladies i have a lot of i mean i have girlfriends but actually not as many as i used to my life is so much it is so centered around comedy now that there are very few female comics around so i'm with guys all the time i mean i have some

friends who are comics who i absolutely love who are women i mean i love cat i love my friend chelsea um and there are a lot of comics in town who i think are just great right who are women but i'm not that close but that's your circle but mostly is that you're seeing yeah and i mean i have and like i had dinner with Dana Bell the other night, who I hadn't had dinner with before, and I thought she was just awesome. Yeah, she's super funny. Super funny, and just like, very cool. But even that, it took, you know, I've been in the scene for two years now, and to be

able to name three people that I'm close to, you know, that are women is... Yeah, I think that is one of the coolest parts about comedy, though, is finding these like-minded individuals. Totally. People that don't have filters, either, and like, aren i'm gonna get offended when you say you want to burn homeless people you know well it's a cool blend between the coaching and the comedy because coaches are the same way like in the coaching program and my girl so i have two really close girlfriends that i've also gotten out of the coaching program and what's the same about that those relationships and

the same with the comedy relationships is that any you know because when coaching a lot of what you work on is vulnerability and intimacy you can just say whatever right it's kind of like you know if it gets messy it gets messy but you learn to oh i've touched it again but you learn to not be afraid of the mess like that yeah can't be afraid to touch it can't be afraid to touch it just the tip story can't be afraid to touch it. Can't be afraid to touch it. Just the tip. The new Sarah Armour story. Can't be afraid to touch it. You'll see her in a turtleneck on the cover. Secret to sex. It's like 500 pages, but one sentence.

Success. Big dicks. Two parts of success. Success. Big dicks. I'm out. The dip. Dig them.

Smack them. The dip. Skip it. I'm out. The dip. Dig him. Smack him. The dip. Skip it. Shoe city. That's a good recap of everything we talked about. And then at the end of the day, the message is just like, skip it. Skip it. Skip it.

That was my philosophy at one point. Skip it. Well, what else is going on with you, Sarah? There's a lot going on. I feel like we covered a lot of ground I feel good about what we did here Do you? If you could ask me any question

What would you ask me? Come on guys You have an opportunity to ask me any questions you want Do you like stuff? On Facebook? Do you dislike other stuff? Sometimes, yeah. Okay.

Huh. Okay. I dislike spicy things. Really? Everything's spicy. What? I can't handle any spice. What?

Yep. I hate it. How do you eat pizza without any pepper? I eat plain. I like plain food. How do you watch a scrambly softcore porn on your parents' cable? That's the Spice Channel. That, I prefer the softcore Cinemax stuff.

Do you? Kind of. Sometimes it's funny. But sometimes you have to deal with really long blocks of acting. I think it's funny. Sarah watches porn for the comedy. Kind of. Well, the whole thing's sort of funny to me.

I thought it was so weird. When I was a kid, I was masturbating to a show with David Duchovny on it. X-Files was weirdly erotic, though, right? What's your guys' favorite kind of porn? I like a good old-fashioned bukkake. Every now and again. Just the worst of them. On the right occasion.

I like anime porn and fart porn. Mike? Right. I like anything where someone is obviously not wanting to be there. Great. Cool. Oh, yeah. That's awful.

I like, I don't know. I did have a phase where I was watching lesbian porn porn that was like made by and for lesbians. Oh, yeah. That's different. And it's like the slowest. It's always slow paced. And it's so slow paced. And weirdly, the weirdest thing is that it's almost always like older, younger for some reason.

It's almost always like an older woman. And yeah. And like they really they They're really into that. I think Sasha Gray had a company that was doing that stuff for a while. Really? Artsy kind of stuff. Full bull.

Full bull. Full bull. What do I like? I like a thicker lady. Not fat. But a good shape. We got a nice butt. Not fat, but a good shape. We got a nice butt, nice rack going on. Yeah, I don't like the too skinny.

Do you like guy-girl porn? Yeah. I feel like I'm so jaded that I need there to be multiple people, usually hot girls. What do you mean, like a threesome porn like one on one it's just too boring yeah but i feel like yeah the lesbian porn you're talking about is different but whenever i see two chicks that clearly aren't lesbians like as soon as they take their shirt off they're like oh my god like neither of you are enjoying this as much what you know yeah i like it better when i can imagine that people are really enjoying it i found this

website at one point when i was having like porn that people are really enjoying it. I found this website at one point when I was having porn guilt. Peoplearereallyenjoyingit.com? Well, no. Actually, it's a website. It's called MakeLoveNotPorn. And it's a website where people can upload. It's basically empowered porn. So it's real couples, real women, real people.

So everyone looks kind of fucked up. Just like human. No one's perfect looking. And sometimes you watch them and it's like couples having really real it's like very real intimate sex and so sometimes it's like awkward and like sometimes it's like not sexy and that's sort of there's something sort of sexy about that because it feels really like voyeur and like i love that it's so not sexy it becomes sexy kind of yeah it's like a grotesque troll woman but you're like whoa she fucks too you know and that's kind of cool to me

like breaks through where it's like unsexy unsexy like you know just people with and people really trying to be sexy which in some way is sort of sexy because you're like whoa you're like that would take me out of it see i like it i'm like wow someone was like laying on their bed being like what's my you know i don't know i the intimacy in that is interesting to me so for a while that was what i was into but then i got bored because i the intimacy in that is interesting to me so for a while that was what i was into but then i got bored because i was like come on let me see some really though i always like before i'm done before i actually ejaculate though i have to switch back to just naked ladies like it's so weird i have to go back to the team it's i don't know what oh well that is tough too

when you're like just about to pop to pop and then it's, like, the guy's face, like, gah. Yeah, and then afterwards you just feel filthy. Like, as soon as you're done, it's just like, oh, what am I watching?

He just looks right into the camera like, gotcha, Mike. Gotcha. Knew that would be the moment. So, wait, you're into the pornography? No, not really. I mean, a little.

I am, like, as much as anybody is. I'm not, like, into it, but I think it's, like, an interesting conversation. As much as anybody is. I'm not into it, but I think it's an interesting conversation. As much as anybody is? I don't think so. As much as anyone on the planet. I feel like I have a very healthy relationship with porn.

How many days a week are we talking? Depends. It depends if I have a crush or not. Really? On a porn star or just in general? In general. If I have a crush, I don't need porn. But if I don't have a crush, I need porn.

Oh, interesting. Okay. I kind of need it constantly. You need a crush. Yeah. Like I like to fantasize. Like I'll have like, you know,

sometimes I'll just masturbate to people like clapping for me though too. Because I'll just see my name on a marquee and hear claps and that'll be enough. You have Siri like,

great job, Sarah. Very funny. Keep going, you goofy bitch. Excellent callback. Tell me more. Your crowd work is killer. Excellent callback. Okay.

Do you have any other questions for us, Sarah? How old were you guys when you lost your virginity? I was 17. Really? I got you beat? Yeah. Wow, you're so much hotter than me. Oh, stop.

16 in between 11th and 12th grade. Got it. Yeah. Who recently came to one of my shows. Who? Kristen Meineke. Oh. When I had my chocolate storm, she came.

That's right. She's a sweet girl. Apparently, Chris wanted to get her to sing happy birthday to me at my surprise birthday party. Oh, that's her. Gotcha. Gotcha. Wow. That would have been hilarious.

Yeah. Yes, Jen. Yeah, when I lost my virginity, it was right before I had to go to work one morning, and it was fantastic. And then I was driving to work, and I was super just feeling it. Yeah. And then I had coffee in a to-go mug. And as I go to drink it, the top wasn't on.

It just spilled all over me. And it's just like, oh, it's always something, right? You just get laid for the first time and have a good day. That's funny. But it wasn't that bad. I was like, eh, I got laid. No big deal. That's funny.

What about you, Sarah? I was 15. 15? It was 15. How old was the fella? 15. Oh, there you go. Or maybe he, Sarah? I was 15. 15? It was 15. How old was the fella? 15. Oh, there you go. Or maybe he had turned 16 at that point.

But we were sophomores in high school. And he's waving that learner's permit around. And you're like, yeah. He wasn't soft no more after that. Boom, bada boom. Oh, yeah. Bada boom. He's a poet.

Oh. Oh. Freaking poet over. I love that. Whoa, Sarah. Sorry. I had a threesome at 12th grade. Is that rude?. He's a poet. Oh. Oh. Freaking poet over. I love you. Whoa, Sarah. Sorry. I had a threesome. Is that rude?

You can do it again. Oh, God. We're falling apart here. Oh. That one. That one. Oh, yeah. There you go.

Okay, wait. So. Let's set it up. Okay. So you were. Say it. You got to say you were a sophomore, or he was a sophomore. Okay, he was a sophomore.

I bet he ain't soft no more. Oh, yeah. It doesn't even make any sense. He still has an erection from when he was 15. Look, that's his dick hitting the mic. Let me ask you this, Josh. There's a big bass drum of a dick, this guy. When were you getting boners by? Oh, all the time. Yeah, as long as I can remember, I always got boners. this, Josh. It's a big bass drum of a dick, this guy. When were you getting boners by? Oh, all the time.

Yeah, as long as I can remember, I always got boners. Oh, yeah. But I remember seeing a movie. I think it was Parenthood, where the kid was like 13, and Keanu Reeves was like the older brother or something. Parenthood. And he was like, Sean got his first boner the other day, or something like that.

I was like, what? Sean got his first boner the other day. Yeah, it was something like that, what? Sean got his first boner. Yeah, it was something like that. Sean's got a boner. Yeah, no, all the time. All the time. What would you do in class? Just kind of.

I would tuck it. That's what my ex-wife would do. You know, I remember learning that. I like that we both make the motion, like lean back and touch her butt. You tuck it. It was never. I don't think it was like big enough to make the motion, like lean back and touch your butt. You tuck it. I don't think it was big enough to make an impact until seventh grade. And then I remember I got a random one.

And I'm like, the clock's ticking towards the next class. And I'm trying to think nasty thoughts. And it wouldn't go away. And I remember I just had to stand up. I'm trying to get her to go south. And I remember I just stood up and just tried to walk to my next class and someone started talking to me

and I was convinced that they could see my boner and so I was just kind of like I just kind of started laughing but obviously I thought you were going to go the other way with it it was never big enough before but now it is, Time to show it off. Guess who has a visible boner, ladies?

Because I think before adolescence, I didn't really get like random boners. Maybe I did, but I don't know. Maybe I just, I don't know. Yeah, when you grow up, you know, it happens. Right. A lot. Yeah, it could be anything. Like you're just on a bus and you're just like kind of like rocking.

You're like, uh-oh, boner time. Yeah, we're lucky because we're all tucked in. Yeah. Are you? But actually, I saw a video of a hysterectomy. Nick Mullen showed me a video of a hysterectomy. And the inside of a vagina, inside out, looks kind of like a penis. Isn't that what they do for like when they do the hysterectomy?

When they do. like when they do the American hysterectomy when they do like reverse surgeries? Yeah, like when the chick wants to become a dude that they like fold it out. I don't know but that's probably that would make sense to me.

Or no, they pull it out. They pull it out and that's probably what it means. Because I know for dudes they chop the dick in half basically. Yeah, it's like a two inch vagina. Yeah.

Because they can only do it as deep as your flaccid penis. Yeah. So it would be like half an inch for me. Right. Exactly. And they can only do it as deep as your flaccid penis. Yeah. So it'd be like half an inch for me. Right. Exactly. And I don't think

either can come, right? I don't think so. I think it's just a... Were you there when John Bennett kept going on and on about the diverse... And he kept talking

about the irrigation system. It's so disgusting. He kept talking about how people who get... Men to female sex changes can't have no irrigation system, so they have to constantly douche. It's nasty. John and I got into a conversation once.

If you had your dick cut off, Mike, would you kill yourself? No. No? Okay. Would you get turned into a vagina? Yeah. Like Hedwig and the Angry Inch? Well, I mean, I'm sure there's some surgery that could happen.

Yeah, I don't know. Especially if it can't happen now, I'm sure it could happen in decades. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, because I was telling John, I was like, yeah, I'd probably kill myself. Really? And then somebody brought that up, like you wouldn't wait for medical research to catch up. Just like, oh, now I'm done. But yeah, I don't know.

I feel like sex is, maybe it's just a young, spry, 27-year-old Josh Goderna. How old are you guys? You're 27? I'll be 27. I'm this many.

I'll be 27 October 25th. Ooh. Birthday coming up. Ooh. So what are you, a Libra? Scorpio. Scorpio. I love Scorpios.

Oh, stop. When's your birthday and how old are you? September 17th, 32. And what house was the moon in? Virgo. I love Scorpios. Oh, stop. When's your birthday and how old are you? September 17th, 32. And what house was the moon in? I love Virgos too. Why? Why does it matter?

Actually, like everyone, there are so many Virgos, important Virgos in my life. It's not hate, but like I'm less compatible with certain signs. What are you? Like I'm less, I'm a Cancer. I was going to say that. You were not. I was going to say Aries or Cancer. I'm a Cancer. Because we're both water signs. Right. We I was gonna say Aries or Cancer. I'm a Cancer. Because we're both

water signs. Right. We're water signs and we're very intense. Yeah. Oh, sure. Virgos are good because Virgos keep... Water signs are very attracted to Virgos as friends, as lovers, as business partners, whatever because Virgos are very grounded. And Virgos are like rocks. And they can be a little depressed, but

they're like rocks. And actually water signs can bring up a lot of joy for virgos because that seems accurate but i just still don't believe in that stuff at all not one bit i'm sorry i think we should be a morning team though scorpio in the rock in the morning scorpio in the rock like you're all depressed and i'm like hey man well that is kind of how our dynamic i think I think it is. It's really weird that you actually brought that up. Interesting. I do have to say, as much as I think astrology is bunk, I'll be honest about that, I have had many experiences where people were not only spot on,

but accurately guessed somebody's actual sign. Well, here, wait. Can we play a game? Sure. Okay, so wait. Tell me. Spot the Jewish person. No, no.

This is my favorite. Spot the Jewish person. This is my favorite. Spot the Jewish person. Oh, my God. We're going to open the blinds. Is your hand okay? Oh, my God. No, this is really funny. I mean, most of the traits that we ascribe to someone's sign are kind of general.

Yeah. You're a shy person, but sometimes you can be outgoing. You get tired now and again? Libra. I, like, don't even know how to respond to this email I just got you guys. Is it a dick pic? No, but kind of. Balls.

Who sent you his balls? Somebody from the conference today? There's a guy. He can never hear this podcast. He probably will because I think he might love me. Uh-oh. But there's a guy who I met at a show in Baltimore. And we met on the roof.

And he reached out to me a few times via phone. Okay, not physically. No, no, to hang out, to get together. I was not interested. And then he emailed me, and I was not interested. And it was fine. It was over. Today, randomly, I'm in the Whole Foods in whatever, like,

St. Washington Square, wherever that is. St. Washington. I don't know. I think I'm saying it wrong. That is a good made-up thing. I just made that up. It felt made up. I'm in Harbortown Yard.

It was something like that. It was like Washington's whatever. Kaiser Lincoln. You were in Mount Washington. Mount Washington. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Well, the whole food's there. Yeah. And I see him. Does he work there? No. We're standing in line at the exact same time. That's that energy in the universe. Is that him?

He's here. He's here. Holy shit. Get him, Monsa. Well, then I was like, it's funny to see you. Oh, my gosh. And I just said, sorry, I never wanted to hang out or hang out with your friends, but you invited me to do. And he's like, it's cool.

And I was like, great, great to see you. So he wrote me an email afterwards, like, so funny to see you. Whatever. And I was like, so funny. You know, have a nice life. And he just wrote me. Why afterwards like so funny to see you whatever and i was like so funny you know have a nice life he just wrote me why do you hate this guy so much first of all sorry you know sarah i watched some of your stuff on youtube about six weeks or so ago pretty funny i had some thoughts i could have just told him to you in this email but i'm offering you the choice would you like to hear some feedback on your work? It's mostly positive, by the way.

What? Do I want his feedback? No. Now I'm kind of curious. Like, what? What do you got? No, because he's playing a game. But I actually am not interested.

Because he's probably going to be like, I bet you'd be a lot funnier if you were in a relationship. My dick was in you. Okay. Where's, um... I'll give you a funny bone. Okay, what's your birthday? Your birthday again, October... 25th. Okay. Where's I'll give you a funny bone. Okay. What's your birthday? Your birthday again? October 25th. Okay. You need the year? No.

October. This is my favorite app. Okay. October 25th. Okay. When's your birthday? September 17th. Oh yeah. That's right. That's right. That's right in my date zone. Okay. Okay. And Mike, I'm going to play a game too. What's your social security? I'm going to play a game.. What's your social security number? I'm going to play a game, Angry Birds.

It's called Words of Friends. What's your credit card number? That's a magic trick idea. That's pretty funny. Just write that down. That is good. Thank you. You kicked some butt.

What are you up to? It says my OKCupid flirt. Oh, yeah, because you had the show at High Tops, right? Yeah. That was good? No. It was. It was.

It turned out everybody was like, you did really well. You know what? I'm sure I did technically. It's one of those things where you don't feel like you hit a home run. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I felt like I wasn't in the moment. Right. But, you know, it's still, you know, it wasn't bad.

I didn't bomb. It's still right on. Yeah. OK, you guys, it's still, you know, it wasn't bad. I didn't bomb. It's still right on. Yeah. Okay, you guys ready? Yeah. The childlike exuberance in this combination is such that the world is bound to notice it. These two have a certain capacity for fame. Fortune, however, may escape them.

Youthful sparkle dominates here and can overcome the partner's respective personality traits, which in both cases tend towards the severe. Their relationship also encourages them to show initiative, although to realize this drive, they will both have to overcome a desire to be overly careful planning. A desire for overly careful planning. If they can add the insightful commentary and capable management that are common in this matchup to the other traits they share,

they can achieve a lot. On the downside, tempers can flare here as well. Not really. A little bit. I think Mike and I do a really good job being honest with each other. We've definitely had disagreements, but we've never had. For people that worked to have this close of a relationship, I think we have very few disagreements or angry moments. Marriages and working relationships in this combination are apt to generate a lot of attention from others.

One would expect success here, given both partners' high degree of competence. It's not always enduring. Partners are a pig-seated... Friendships can work out better, especially when both partners share an interest or a pursuit

often involving the arts travel or collecting as long as this activity takes the spotlight competition for attention between the weak of the literalist and cusp of the drama and criticism friends

will not generally mar the relationship so what do we need to do you need to keep doing this but we're never going to make any money right you're not going to make any money doing this we haven't done it yet. That's fine.

I just want the attention, honestly. I want the love. It is right around the corner. Well, this matchup promotes fame and sparkle. Yeah. I mean, this is like episode 90 whatever. So I'll trade fortune for sparkle any day. I've said that many times.

Mr. Sparkle over here. Mr. Sparkle. Maybe we can coach you to fortune. All right. Keep right keep that bullshit to yourself yeah we go all episode like whatever whatever it is how do you feel what's your take on on uh the whole world of money making i think well my it's changed totally since i started coaching also if we can address this stain what is it it is very close to my n. It's from the fish tacos I was eating earlier. Gnarly. Gnarly.

Well, I was trying to wear a sweater, but it got warm in here. I feel like we know each other. I do feel that way. Okay, I lactate fish tacos. All right, that's my thought. I was waiting for you to say that. You know, just the idea of fish tacos, it makes me fucking nauseous. Do you not like fish?

I severely don't. Got it. We don't want to talk about this, though, because somebody is going to prank me someday, and I don't like that. So say the opposite. Loves fish. I love fish. I'll tell you what I hate.

If somebody really wants to get me, boobs. Oh, hey, boobs. Could you imagine if you just woke up and they're in your face? Dude, stop. Please stop talking about it. He's gagging. He's grabbing a bug. And what if they were just like boobs?

Oh, I don't even like the word. Like cut off, like SVU style. Actually, that's pretty disturbing. Genuinely. I don't really want someone to prank me with mutilated breasts. You would still motorboat them, but like it wouldn't be as happy. It would depend if they were attached in the front or not. Like if they were two separate breasts

because you have to put them together like right yeah like bolt them down you have fun with it you do whatever you mix and match

whatever you can do and the universe gives you what you need that's right life gives you a pair of separated tits make lemonade

out of them that's beautiful thank you who's a poet life gives you a full bladder you make lemonade that's true oh he's the poet.

Okay. I think Mike asked you something before I addressed this stain on my shirt. Money is abundant. Money is abundant. She's making it rain. Decide how much money you want to make and move towards that. And you deserve

it and it's not evil. I agree. The more you have, the more you have the more you have and if you don't have enough but do you agree that there's been a lot of studies done that have found that people's happiness as long as it's you know as long as your necessities are met it really doesn't rise very much with with money i think that's probably true like when you win the lottery or something you're happy for a while and then your happiness is at the exact same level a year later. Totally. Well, I think that's why money is such a

stupid thing. I think you should figure out how much you need. I think everyone needs a different amount in order to have their needs met. So like I need X, Y, and Z because for me to be happy, I require... I like to get Reiki treatments. Genuinely, if I had a fortune

I seriously don't think I would Have much more than I have right now I would buy property God's not making any more of that stuff They said that on Sopranos recently Well not recently But I'm catching up Catching up

In your world You do stuff with rakes? What is it? Reiki. I just started. What is that? It's like Japanese energy treatment. It's like instead of getting a massage.

So I spoke to a spiritual intuitive, and she told me that I didn't need- Not an advisor, but an intuitive. An intuitive, not an advisor. Wow, you are- What's her name, Ms. Cleo? No, it was Karen Anderson, and she's amazing. Call me now. Okay, Ms. Cleo, be on the line for you to talk to.

She'll play with Japanese rakes, girl. If Montel Williams doesn't endorse this woman, then I'm not interested. Montel does endorse this woman. Oh, wow. Miss Cleo.

That's good. No, I don't know. Okay, so... So anyway, Reiki... You're like deep in the game of the spiritual... I'm into it, yeah. Yeah, big time.

Reiki is a Japanese energy treatment. And you go and they do all these hand motions and they affect your chakras and they open up your chakras. I mean, I actually got over a guy. I went to Reiki once and I was having some issues letting go of a particular relationship. Your father? No. And she did energy work and she cleared the space for me to to let go of it and then i went to a different one and so like for the past three weeks for the past four weeks i

don't i'm homeless now and i've been on the road i've been traveling around going to different clubs in different cities always bragging this one yeah homeless but i went lonely up there on your pedestal well i i was at reiki and she said this time that i went that my yellow chakra, my survival chakra was like all sorts of crazy energy. She's like, I can tell that you've just been like, go, go, go. She was knowing stuff about me and my energy and she cleared it out so that I could like sort of come back to being. So it's energy work. It's around energy. She's literally like they're literally just moving their hands in front of your stomach or your chest.

Yeah, but it's crazy. If you can stay awake during the procedure, you actually feel the energy. Oh, sorry. But you feel the energy. It's crazy. Stay awake. How long is it? It's an hour.

But actually, there's a place in Georgetown that if you want to just go experiment with it, you can do a 45-minute session for $45. And I would recommend it. It's so cool. I'm curious. It's really cool. It's really fun, even just for material, you know?

Do everything. Say yes to everything. That's my advice, even just for material, you know? Do everything. Say yes to everything. That's my advice to all comics. Really? Say yes to everything and do everything and talk about whatever. You get too thin. No, you don't. No, I'm not saying say yes to a new career, but say go to Reiki one time.

You're saying try new things. Try new things. Get out of your comfort zone. Do stuff. Give you stories. Get stories. Live life. Right.

For coaching, too, everything. It's all about being comfortable being uncomfortable. Once you get over. Yeah. That was a huge lesson for me when I was younger. That's like kind of what got me. Because everything was uncomfortable. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you do nothing. If you avoid that you do nothing. Yeah. If you actually go with. I still feel like I'm struggling against a tenseness that makes me want to curl up in a fetal position in bed. Yeah. Like I walk around

with that all day long but it gets better over time yeah do you do any like breath work no i need to there's something like severely wrong let's say it's funny that you brought that up because mike talked about how he can't sit in the tub because yeah it's really weird i feel like my anxiety like crushes my torso and so i have to contort myself in a way so I can breathe. It's like my whole existence is contorted around this pressure in my chest. It's so weird. You should go to Reiki. Maybe it's just like cancer.

You should both go to Reiki on Tuesday. Go down, make an appointment, and go. That would be fun. I do think meditation of some kind would be helpful. I practice meditation every day. What are you doing? Transcendental? No, I'm kind of experimenting with all different kinds.

I used to do mostly guided meditations. Now I've just been doing, I've been practicing just nothing. Just sitting and picking a mantra or just picking something really, just breathe. The dip. Just doing the dip right been like in or out or just doing the dip song in my head you can also put on like a song and meditate to the song so if there's like cool they're cool like meditation songs you just like put them on and just like zone out into them or like if you put on a song that you just want to generate more of that feeling like or meditate like sometimes i'll meditate just on like love and like the

feeling of love and like be love for five minutes have you ever uh heard of brad warner the writer he's a good zen guy really what's his name we had him on the podcast a couple times brad warner i'm gonna listen back he was a punk rocker in the 80s who went to japan to make monster movies and now he's a zen soto priest cool he sounds like my kind of guy yeah is he cute yeah he weirdly he's like almost 50, but I swear to freaking God, he looks like he's like 28. Really? Is he on the wall? Where is he on the wall? He might not be on the wall, actually.

I don't think he's on the wall. But you can find him. He's all over the internet. We'll show you a picture. Cool. He might be my soulmate. Might be. I got to write a book review for him last year.

What do you guys do for a living? I work for Social Security. Oh, right. You're furloughed. Mm-hmm. What do you guys do for a living? I work for Social Security. Oh, right. You're furloughed. What do you do? I wait tables. Where? I also write.

I had a column for a while. Paper Moon Diner. And you write what kind of writing? Well, I had a humor column, but I don't really know what's going on with that now. So now I just write for whoever will let me write it. I've been in Skeptic Magazine three times. Cool. I've got something coming up. Do you have a blog or anything? No. Why don't you just write for whoever will let me write. I've been in Skeptic Magazine three times. Cool. I've got something coming up.

Do you have a blog or anything? No. Why don't you just write? I'm in the process of maybe getting a blog through Patch, who I used to write for. You need a life coach. Yeah, but I don't know. I don't really know if I want to write all that much. Like right now, I'm just doing one paragraph on my days

off and letting that add up that's great though I mean that's that's more than a lot of people do yeah definitely and I but I don't know if I'm really like when I had the column I was like I got to do this because I can't believe I have this opportunity you know I didn't go to college and um so I kept up with that but like now I don't really have I am working on a book that's amazing but I don't know where that's really yeah yeah I didn't really have I am working on a book Yeah, yeah It's called Mike Moran's war on pessimism and it's kind of about what we were talking about earlier how we live in this delusion that We live in this horrible world and things are getting worse and right like that and it's basically just kind of a skeptics

Look at why we should be grateful and happy to be living in this time and why amazing things are going to happen in this world. And weirdly, it's going to go through like a filter of like a Garden of Eden type of parody. Sounds awesome. Yeah, it sounds really cool. Thank you. I love it. You should check out the coaching training program. Oh.

Maybe you should be a life coach. I may. I don't really think there's that much wrong. Oh, to be a coach? I don't know about about that you should come to the training there are trains you can observe and you guys can watch that'd be interesting get material yeah get material all about it's all about material let's really be honest yeah that's what it really comes down to i love that though mike yeah that's very cool that's the first i'm hearing of this you should keep yeah i i really um cool yeah i don't know it's all over the place right now you know i'm just like banging out a paragraph like just a thought like that i guess that's just how i write like i just

get a paragraph down on yeah that's great we could set up something on the uh digression sessions.com if you ever wanted to post stuff there yeah i want to do like i don't know how i feel like the the book format should be changing and evolving to be more of like an interactive kind of click on hyperlinks and pictures and videos and things like that. Yeah, isn't that interesting? But I'm not really all that familiar with the world of e-books. That would be a really cool thing to explore actually, like what kind of multimedia you can add into if you're going to write an e-book my friend's mom is an author and she just released her new book as a newsletter

so you can sign up for a newsletter and she releases a chapter like once a month oh yeah they used to do that in magazines yeah like an old school like novella or whatever and it's so cool and then but yeah it's an interesting thing to think that you could right click on a link and actually experience a song while things play.

It's a great idea. I might actually talk to Brad Warner and see what his thoughts are. Yeah. Because I have no idea how a book publishing goes. I love that. It's like the positive skeptic. Yeah. All right, everything's bullshit, but you can be happy.

There's a market for that, though. There really is a whole lot of that in the world of skepticism. Like, you know, I'm reading a book now on the decline of violence over the centuries. And, you know, we just have this idea that the world is getting more violent and decadent and nihilistic. But if we look at the past, it's like so much better than it used to be. Everybody thought that all the time, too. Yeah, that's kind of the Garden of Eden thing. Like, it was better before. You know, you got you got you yeah it's actually kind

of like nietzsche wrote like uh a kind of garden of eden parody of uh so like why i was like about like science phobia like how the garden of eden is kind of a metaphor for uh the hatred of science and so i'm kind of like going into that and taking it one step further and acknowledging that I'm ripping him off. But cool. I love it. Keep it up, man. And the cool thing, too, is like if you actually you can like examine the past, but really

only if it's like in service of figuring out what's what exists currently and what's present. And then when you really get present, you just realize like, I know it's, I'm not the first person to say it, but it's like, these are the good old days. Like these are, we're in it.

Yeah. I actually think I want to use that phrase in there somewhere. That's what it is. Yeah. Oh yeah. We've, we've talked about before on this podcast, like we've,

we're living better than anybody ever has. Like Kings back in the day would kill to be the average American. If it's too hot, I'll turn on the fucking air conditioning. If I want to take a shit, I'm not going to do it in some bucket. I'm going to do it in this whole plumbing system. We have so much. It's amazing. You're not going to die at 30.

There's just so much stuff that we have. It's phenomenal. If you're hungry, just drive in my car that's powered by gas. And the future is going to be even more awesome. Like, the way that technology is evolving right now is just insane. Yeah. The singularity hits and we're all robots. Right, yeah.

And we're fucking robots. I can't wait. I mean, I couldn't imagine. Fucking robots. I can't imagine now living, like, five years ago without an iPod. I couldn't do it. So just think where our technology is going to be when we're like 70.

True, true. I want to genuinely give people a feeling of hope in what seems like a dark bleak world. Mike Moran running for office now. Hi, I'm Mike Moran.

And I want to give you a glimmer of hope in this dark, dirty world. Even though it's a shithole, it's not so bad. Oh, this was fun, Sarah. You should come back anytime. I love it when it opens up like this. It becomes existential, insightful, and personal. Isn't it a bummer that I'm not that funny? You are not funny at all.

I'm never funny on podcasts. What other podcasts have you been on? A bunch and I'm never funny. I think you're funny. I'm funny. The minute we turn this off, I'm going to crush. Oh, you're going to kill. I'm behind a podcast. My dog's going to be laying on her back like,

stop, stop. Okay, so is there a saraharm.com there is oh well okay go to it go to it sarah s-a-r-a-a-r-m-o-u-r no h no h oh good then you're not like that other girl no i'm totally different totally me um yeah sarah armor.com and you can find out where my shows are you can see videos you can you can read about coaching and you can find out where my shows are you can see videos you can you can read about coaching and you can actually email me right on there if you want to do a sample session and anyone listening to this podcast free sample session on me it's not really

free it's well it is free but it's like my time my time is so valuable because i'm just such a great coach time is money jk but um time is money josh kaderna but so yeah so you can have a sample session or you can just email me or jk all right josh yeah that's what i meant obviously i thought you meant like that was your slogan like i can't i copyright josh kaderna lol lol that's what everyone's saying josh kaderna lol omg wts idk idk jk jk WTF. IDK. IDK. JK. JK. Josh Gardern. Josh Gardern. ASL. Just run on. LOL. And then you're on Twitter.

At Sarah Armour. Spelled the same way. No H. No H. A girl with an H is a bitch. You hate H's. Hate H's. Hate them hoes.

Jean. Good. Sarah Jean. Sarah Jean. And, oh, cool. Thanks for coming by. I wanted my name to be Jean at one point. You should have had a G or a J.

I thought that was a badass rocker name. Like Gene Hackman? Gene Simmons? I feel like I thought with a J would be cooler. Mean Gene Oakerson? I did want to go by JK for a while. Yeah. I had several failed launchings of MJ.

Yeah. I think it was. I think every boy attended that. Yeah. I was just discovering rap. I think I was in, I think it was, I think every boy attended that. Yeah, I was just discovering rap. I think I was in like second grade. I'd be like, Josh, it's JK now. Oh, and it turned into such a big thing.

You should have copywritten JK. I know, right? JK, y'all. Get a little bit of that Harry Potter money. That's true. Doing comedy, being named JK. It's about as good as it gets. Josh could earn a rallying, you know?

Her, she's funny. Okay, I don't know what we're saying anymore. I about as good as it gets. Josh could earn a rallying, you know? Her. She's funny. Okay. I don't know what we're saying anymore. I had a good time, though. Yeah, this was great. Thank you for coming over, Sarah. Thank you so much, Sarah. The next conference that rolls into town,

come on the show. I put my hand up on your hip when I did what you did when you put your hand up. Oh, shit. Sorry. I tried to press the oh yeah button too. Ready?

Oh, yeah. I put my hand up on your hip. When I dip, you dip. We dip. Oh, yeah. Hand up on your hip. When I dip, you dip. We dip.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I just told this OKCupid girl that our guest was awesome. You what? I told this OKCupid girl that I was a really good friend. Already lying and the relationship hasn't even started. Oh, we still recording now, right? Oh, we are? Yeah, you can.

Any racial slurs you want to get out? No. Why would you? Turn it off. Turn it off. I want to slur. I want to slur. I want to slur.

Turn it off. Turn it off. I want to slur. I want to slur. I want to slur. Turn it off. Learn to suck a good dick. Did you say suck? Did I say suck? My personal philosophy for success is To suck a good dick. you you you you