The Digression Sessions - Ep. 96 - Josh & Mike Solo (Buy Me Deese Nuts Or Go To Hell!)

Episode Date: November 5, 2013

Hey Digmania! Here's another fun solo ep for your beautiful ear holes! Come see us live! We have a bunch of stand up and improv dates in Novemeber!!! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar And follow us on Twitter! WE LOVE YOU! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod

Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to the Digression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians writers musicians and anyone else we find creative and interesting yes

who's the guest this week it's all good. Okay. Alright. Alright. Need a couple of these. Nuts. These chocolate-covered nuts. These nuts sure had a long shelf life. Did it not? Wait, which nuts?

These nuts. I think they're still... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what nuts? Dee's nuts. I think they're still saying that. I'm sorry, what nuts? Dee's. Dee Snyder's nuts of Twisted Sister. I tried to get you to go, Dee's nuts!

No, I won't do it. That's one of those things that's not funny, but which is cool for some reason. What about if that was the commercial for it? Like, have you tried Deez? I'm sorry, what? That's so dumb. I don't even get it, really. I don't think I've ever actually heard the track

where that originated. Oh, I don't know either. But still, I'm still picturing the commercial. Like, Deez nuts. It's a corporation. It's like, Deez nuts. It's like, in calligraphy, it's like, since 1945. A family corporation.

You know, when my grandfather started Dee's Nuts. Right, like there's, you know. He believed in two things. Women are inferior. And Dee's Nuts are are delicious strong moral fiber uh but yeah like you know sometimes they show like the old school commercial like look how far we've come like yeah yeah like say have you tried these nuts it is weird when they like when they uh uh talk about henry ford in nostalgic terms because he was a notorious anti-Semite.

Right. I mean, he was a great man in a lot of ways. There's that anti-Semite thing. But then there's that whole car thing. Yeah, he... He's ruined the planet with cars. But, yeah, he actually endorsed the protocols of the elders of Zion, which were like a total forgery that just like said Jews were taking over the world. Wow.

I heard that's why he developed the car. He's like, yeah. I'll smoke about those Jews. What? It originally developed as a way of gassing people. Like, wait a minute. We can move with this thing, too. I sure do get from point A to point B pretty quickly

in my Jew killer. Do you know Bayer invented heroin, as we know it? They even named it. Get you know Bayer invented heroin, as we know it? Oh. They even named it. Get out of Bayer. No. Hair. What was I going to say? Gee, dude.

I had something good. Oh, boy. F. I was D's nuts. Yeah, like how people say that because they think it's cool for some reason, even though it's not funny at all. I think it's hilarious. No, you don't.

Come on, then. But somebody gave me one of these the other day. And I'm asking you before I say it. Mike's making the handjob motion for everybody. Can we drop that too? But somebody gave me one of these. How you doing? What's wrong

with that? What the fuck is that? And why do we say it? Really not something to get that offended. Well, I am. Anyway, let's start the show. Mike, how you doing? No, it's the how you doing. How you doing. Like the weird, like, creepy Colombian guy, I guess.

That's from Friends. Joey used to say that all the time. Why? What do you mean, why? That makes it even worse. Why? If people are still quoting Friends and think it's funny. I don't know if they're doing it.

Maybe it's just in our subconscious, you know? I don't know. I don't know where my mind is. I've been eating a bunch of D's. What's up, bitches? That one's not getting no lead. I'm still circling back to the commercial, though. Have you tried D's? Excuse me?

Have you tried D's? Did you see? A bunch of D's nuts come, like, flying through a brick wall. It's like, I said, D's nuts! That's, like, their ongoing joke in the commercials. Like, a whole bunch of nuts just, like, come out of, like, fly out of nowhere. Yeah, and then there's always, like, in the vein of, like. Michael Jordan, you just won the NBA tournament.

The basketball trophy. What's the Super Bowl of the NBA? The NBA finals. That's a weak ass name. The NBA championship. I don't think there's a name for it. It's stupid. It's not really.

I mean, you got your Super Bowl. You got your World Series. I'm pretty sure it's just. It's not really. I mean, you got your Super Bowl. You got your World Series. I'm pretty sure it's just... You got your Wrestlemania. You have your golf... You have your gold buns. Yeah, of course. Then you have your

polo classic. Right. No, I don't know. You got your cornhole in classic. You got your Iditarod. Yeah. And I did a ride last night. Boy, am I...

It's my anus sore. Have you tried these? And that would be in the vein of like Allah. The vein of Allah. Allah. Are you trying to get somebody bombed overseas from our podcast? I certainly am. No.

Like buy me Bonestorm or go to hell, that type of thing. Just bursting right in with these nuts from The Simpsons. I don't remember. You would let me finish. I said a la The Simpsons. Okay. Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell? I never said that.

On The Simpsons? I remember Bonestorm, but I don't remember buy me Bonestorm or go to hell. I never said that. On The Simpsons? I remember Bonestorm, but I don't remember buy me Bonestorm or go to hell. Really? That was the whole ad campaign. Really?

Yeah. The one where he got called stealing? Yes. Because they're playing a video game, the kids in the commercial, and then I think

they're bored with the game. I think. That's the part I'm unsure of. They're like, oh, this is no fun. And then Santa bursts in, sleeveless, muscle-bound as hell. He has a bazooka that he shoots bone storm out of.

Are you sure you didn't dream this? I don't remember this at all. I've seen that episode like nine times. Well, then you are missing this part. I don't know how. You're just not remembering correctly. I like how I'm wrong. You're like, uh...

He shoots a bazooka full of bone storms? No, just one. He just shoots the bone storm right into the video game system. The video game system peels back. Then it's like, bone storm! It's like, tell your parents,

buy me bone storm or go to hell! And then Bart goes into the kitchen, and he goes, buy me Bonestormer, go to hell. And then Bart goes into the kitchen and he goes, buy me Bonestormer, go to hell. What? And then Homer says, hey, in this house we say please. I don't remember that at all. Really? That's the episode where he got caught stealing.

Yeah, where he steals Bonestorm. Spoiler alert. Buy me Bonestormer, go to hell. You don't remember that? No. Anyway, when these nuts will be similar to that. Just a guy bursting in. These nuts!

Just going to be Randy the Macho Man. It's like an old woman who's just crushed to death by like three tons of nuts. Just like, have you tried D's? She's like, what? Have you tried D's? D's? Excuse me? Man, have you tried D's?

D's what? D's? No! They just go. The wall bursts through. Yeah, exactly. Nuts man pops out. He's just murdered instantly.

Billy Nutman. Oh, yes. Oh, yes oh yes oh man yes well mike moran yeah got ourselves another guest list episode oh jesus you know how hard it is to write the blurb for these is it kind of well i have to i have to make up something funny about us not having a guest for the first paragraph i usually cut out some of that it's pretty self-deprecating thanks asshole i just like josh is great then i put it on the website right okay but you're always like oh it's the um uh what do you say like the um sociopaths anonymous or I put narcissist anonymous whatever man

you're getting your antisocial disorders mixed up there's a big difference between a narcissist and a sociopath name 10 one doesn't is completely unempathetic

I don't want to be wrong I don't give a shit about your feelings. No, I know what you mean. I'm just... I'm just joshing. I believe narcissism is a part of sociopathy. It's a gateway antisocial. Yeah, first you start looking in the mirror too much

and then the next thing you know, you can't register the feelings of other humans. It's happened to me. But anyway, I'm excited to see you. Thank you. Always excited, too. You're visibly excited. There's that non-sociopath attitude I've come to know and love.

Like I said, it's good to see you. Thank you. Good to see you, too. We just practiced some cover band stuff. This episode will have dropped after the show that we're doing tomorrow. But we're preparing for that. A bunch of dig heads came out. Let's just say it went great.

It was awesome. Packed to the roof. Fire Marshal came in. We're like, hey. Why would that be good? Well, because he's going to be like, there's too many people here. You got to get out. Before you know it, he'll be dancing with the rest of us. Well, we're going to be like, wait, wait, hey. Why would that be good? Well, because he's going to be like, there's too many people here. You got to get out. And then before you know it, he'll be dancing with the rest of them.

Well, we're going to be like, wait, wait, wait. But before you go, have you had these? These? They'll be like, these nuts! And then, you know, the wall collapses. I'm pretty sure my firefighter cousin-in-law will be there. Firefighter cousin-in-law? Yeah.

Is that what you call him? Yeah. A firefighter cousin-in-law? Yeah, that's what you call him? Yeah. Firefighter cousin-in-law. Yeah, that's what he is. Okay. There's a big sign on his house that says that. Really? Yeah. Big banner. Is he full-time or volunteer? Full-time. He's the real deal. Okay. Eats a lot of chili, hangs out. Yeah. How many fires a year do you think he goes to? I don't know. I think probably every night almost. Really?

I think so. Where does he live? He lives in PA, but he's a Baltimore City firefighter. Okay. I guess that's not too bad. It's a grueling job, I think. It's serious. He's almost died a bunch of times.

But not fire-related. He slipped going down the pole. He's like, damn it. Some of them are like car accidents, like slipped going down the pole he's like damn some of them are like uh car acts like you know crashing the the truck and shit really almost got his skull smashed in like what oh yeah yeah what yeah it's a serious job what happens someone's got to do it somebody's got i don't know i remember he just i haven't asked him about in a while but he had a story where he uh the the truck he was in smashed into a wall and the concrete was inches from his head. A wall just came out of nowhere.

Jesus. Well, I'm glad he's okay. But anyway, we'll be playing. He's had some pretty serious injuries, too, I think. He's been out of commission. Look, I said but anyway. All right. No, I'm a super soaker.

Look here, look, the nozzle can go anywhere. Pretty cool, huh? What level of super soaker did your parents? The one that I had, actually, the one I was just talking about, I had a cool thing where there was a little handle up front where it shot out, and you could spin that to the side so I could be facing you, and then I could shoot at like a 90 degree angle to the left.

Did you get a bunch of suckers? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. All the time. I think I, I think I, uh, I maxed out with a super, super 50. Oh, that's right. Yeah. This one was, that was your standard.

Yeah. The 50 and then it went like 200 to 50 and there's like 3,000. I never saw the 300 though in real life. Uh, it was, uh, actually, I don't know. I remember. $3,000. I never saw the $300, though, in real life. Actually, I don't know. I remember my friend had that. I don't know if it was super soaker, like a knockoff one where you had a huge, you could fit a gallon of water on your back or something. Right.

I believe that was the $300. I remember I purchased a cheap, it must have been a knockoff, although it said super soaker. It said super suck on it. It was a super soaker slingshot that was supposed to shoot water balloons, but it didn't work at all. It just exploded on you? Yeah. It just burst into flames.

Jesus Christ! Anyway, so I hope the show went well. Well, of course you do. That's like the character that I'm working on. That news reporter I was telling you about. I hope everything's okay tonight. We don't really know. We're just getting started here.

He thinks he's controversial. Is rape wrong? I think so. More or less. I feel like that's how people are in life a lot of times they'll just take like the most hey man if you ask me

you should never hit a woman they should put those people in jail you should never hit a woman they should do something about the drugs yeah it's terrible out there

I'm tired of it yeah it's messed up my son deserves a good education hey I'll say it everybody deserves an education I remember this woman in one of my favorite activities My son deserves a good education. Hey, I'll say it. Everybody deserves an education. I remember this woman in one of my favorite activities of watching people try to get out of jury duty when I'm on jury duty.

Like when anyone has a reason why they couldn't do it and several people will stand up and try to get out of it. And this one woman was like, I don't know. I'd kind of be biased because my uncle has a really bad drug problem. Take those drugs. She tried to redeem herself by being like, we got to get rid of the drugs. Take the drugs off the streets. The judge is like, write that down. I'm recently going through some stuff with the court on jury duty.

I missed jury duty twice. Uh-oh and uh i went to reschedule it and the woman's like all right we'll just get you a reason oh oh no i was like well i thought she was just gonna reschedule me and like i'd just be able to go back a third time um but she was like oh you already missed two i can't you got to go before the judge and i was like oh fuck oh shit. So I was really worried because on all those things they say, like, if you don't show up, you know, you could go to jail or be punished up to like a thousand dollar fine. Put you in like the stocks for a rotten fruit. Guantanamo for a month and a half. But she's like, oh, man, am I going to have to pay a fine or go to jail?

She's like, oh, honey, no, you'll be alright. You're like doing hard time. You got to go away for a year. Have a big party for you before you leave. Three eye drops. You have Visine tattooed on your face. Clear eyes. Red dry eyes.

You know, he should play a teacher or something i think he'd be good i don't know man i mean if they stunt cast but yeah that's his gangster thing he has clear eyes tattoo oh they've popped caps and bitches asses um so you might go to jail uh i have to go before the judge i'm kind of worried about it because uh she said the worst that happened just go before the judge and they you know you explain why you didn't show up um and if then you'll have jury duty after that and you probably won't get um whatever it is like the 15 bucks you get for the day or whatever they give you which is cool but um i'm totally i'll hey listen man hey hey gotta do what you gotta do look some days you can just roll with it.

People may not agree with me out there, but I'd rather lose $15 than go to jail. All right? I'm not afraid to say that. Hell, man, I will make that sacrifice. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Sometimes you got to man up. Amen, brother.

Sometimes you got to pay the piper. Rowdy, rowdy piper. It's all good. Okay, so I was like, all right right so i'll go before the judge and this was a couple weeks before the shutdown or maybe like a week and a half i think i heard about that and i was worried that maybe a something uh maybe like it would affect the u.s postal service so i called the first day of the shutdown just to make sure i'm not gonna miss it because they're gonna send the mail uh the notice to my house, right? Like my court date. And I call and I made sure like the post office was still open. But when I talked to the woman at, uh, and the, uh, the Baltimore court,

whatever, wherever she is, she's like, Oh honey, we ain't even mailed it out. Don't you worry. Don't you worry. And then she's like, Hmm, we're not closing down anytime soon. I was like, I know I said the federal government shut down. I was like, I heard the Maryland government shut down. Does this mean there's not going to be police? Yeah. She just totally thought I was an idiot. I was like, I just didn't know, dude, the shutdown, if that would affect mail service.

She's like, honey, we ain't shutting down for a long time. For a long time. Not for another two years. And then it's off to Tahiti. And then it's every man for himself in this motherfucker. Before Baltimore becomes pure chaos.

You couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks. Yeah, so I got that looming over me. I still haven't gotten anything in the mail, so maybe I'll call on Monday. Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much. I'm worried, man. I think just convert to Islam. Convert to the beast of Islam.

Hey, man, praise be Allah. Sorry I didn't show up. You know Michael Jackson did that when he thought he was going to go to jail? For what? Touching kids? Yeah. No, for starting a fight with a man. Got me.

For starting fires. I just like to watch the flames dance. For drag racing in public. Okay. You go to jail for that now. Yeah, he converted to Islam. Because I guess he thought that would keep him protected. More like, is lame.

Hey, now. Oh, boy. Alright, Mike Moran. You are so asking for a suicide bombing in our honor, you know that? You are so lucky that we're not popular. Any press is good for us, man. It is weird how they act like

the person who pissed off some people overseas to do something like that is to blame. Yeah. It's like, can't we say things without people blowing other people up? Hey, not as long as these terrorists are all around. Mike Moran. Yeah. I see that you're growing out that beard over there. Yeah, yeah.

What's going on with that Having a beard off With a fellow co-worker How's that Co-worker Fellow worker How's that going I don't know

You tell me Good Did you shave your neck I'm still getting the same amount Of no attention from women So I don't think much has changed I stayed steady on that one You're already still Pretty from women, so I don't think much has changed.

I stayed steady on that one. You're already still pretty... I haven't noticed a decline in the zero attention that I'm getting. It'd have to be negative. They'd have to reach out to you and tell you that. Yeah, no one's running from me and repulsion. Right. They're just ignoring you. They'd have to come up to you and be like, ugh.

Yeah. When you got nothing to lose, then why not try a beard? I think that's what they said in Fight Club, right? Yeah. That's the whole thing. Yeah. So, yeah, I shaved. When you have a beard, you are not your possessions.

Yeah, so trying to do that. Okay. We'll see where it goes. I see you shave your neck. I am honestly genuinely getting really self-conscious about my looks these days. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Let's get real.

Let's do it. Yeah. I see that you're shaving your neck. Let's address that first. Well. Is that allowed? Is that not right? Am I doing something wrong?

I don't know. I was just wondering the term. Should it be a little stubblier? I was just wondering the terms of your beard off. Well, you're allowed to trim it. You're basically allowed to do anything as long as you have a beard. Okay. And whoever gets rid of the beard first loses.

And we have to go on a date and the loser has to dress up like a girl. Wow. Yeah. In public. Yeah. I mean, you can't just have a date in my living room. Are you sure? Well, I don't know if that was specified, but I think a date implies

going out in public. This is why you gotta get a lawyer. Legal Zoom, everybody. That's our sponsor this week. I have an OkCupid date on Sunday, though. I thought you were dating a girl. I think I need to warn her that I look like a hobo. Aren't you already dating a girl? No. No? No. I've been talking

to two OkCupid women. Are they gonna hear this podcast? Maybe. I doubt it, but it's possible. I don been talking to two OKCupid women. Are they going to hear this podcast? Maybe. I doubt it, but it's possible. I don't think they really know who I am yet at all. I don't think they realize that they're dating the voice of Degression Sessions. A guy who once opened for Michael Ian Black. You know what I'm saying? A guy who has a tiny writing credit

on WNUF Horror Special or whatever it's called. Halloween Special. Whatever it's called. A man who has been emailing the former lead singer of Pantera from the 80s.

His voice just cracked when he said Pantera. A guy who once briefly hung out with the lead singer of Power Man 5000 when he was 18. Spider. Spider. All right? You know what I'm saying? I don't think she realizes what's going on here. A guy whose band almost got to open up for the Keyboardist from Guns N' Roses side project.

Jesus Christ. At a club in Baltimore County. Jesus Christ. That's who we're talking to. God, I love that. All right. These bitches have no fucking clue. No clue whatsoever.

Well, good luck on those dates. Thank you. Now, I've been talking to both of them, but one of them seems more interested in me than the other. And your name, your OKCupid name is still stupid? Yes. Not like stupid as in like an adjective.

Well, it's both. Yes, my OKCupid name is stupid66, and I didn't realize how bad it was until a few months ago. And I had no clue that it implied I was born in 1966 until Sam pointed it out. Maybe this stupid son of a bitch who was born in 1966 would like to shoot a baby up me sometime. And I go to change it, and somehow they knew I'd come crawling back.

And they're like, oh, you want to change it? You're going to have to pay. Oh, hello, stupid 66. What a surprise. Look who shows up. How the world has turned. You talk shit about us on your podcast. They're not a very good villain.

It was probably stupid to talk about But I had an idea for a vine It would be like the classic thing Of the villain like A la 007 Okay The villain a la So anyways a la The biggest villain of all a la

I'm just trying to get free press by inciting Violence in the middle eastern world Wait a minute, Mike. Are you depicting Allah over there? What? No. You're not drawing him, are you? No.

Is that just a stick figure? That's a guy I made named Steve. Yeah. He's physically. How do you even depict Allah? What is. I think it was Muhammad that they depicted, which I still don't understand. That's it.

Muhammad. Yeah. Muhammad is like the Islam Jesus. Right. I'm sure that's how they'd like to refer to it as well. I hope he gets that off the mark. It's like the Santa Claus of Islam. Oh, my God.

He went flying one night. Seriously, that's the story. He like flew around the world. Aye, aye, aye. I can't find it. It's like a video of him flying around like, I can't find no God. I don't know.

Can't find salvation. That's in the Koran. It's like he flew around the world, parentheses, aye, aye, aye. Okay, this is a true story, and I'm sorry to interrupt whatever the hell you were talking about. I was going to tell you an idea for a vine I time. Okay, this is a true story, and I'm sorry to interrupt whatever the hell you were talking about.

I was going to tell you an idea for a vine. Okay, go ahead. Oh, it's not that good. Well, yeah, hold on to that. So it would just be like a villain who's like in a chair. Josh, you just put my hand on his penis. Hold on to this. A villain in a chair.

And like the spinning chair where they turn around and they're like, now I've got you. Right. So he's spinning around like, ah, Mr. Bond, right where I wanted you. And then he just pulled out a gun and shoot me. And that's it. Wait, Mr. Bond would shoot the villain? The villain who thinks he has it all wrapped up. Right, right.

Now I've got you just where I want it. The Simpsons already kind of did that with Bart being like, you'll be facing a series of clues, each more diabolical. Found it. Oh, that's right. When he hides.

But it's not like that close. Yeah, the Simpsons did it. They've always done everything. Everything. So good. Such a good misdirect there. Like to just... It's a perfect show.

You'll be facing it. It was a perfect show. You'll be facing it. It was a perfect show. Oh, real quick before your story. Did you know that Ned Flanders married Edna Kraboffel? What? Yeah. Stupid. It was on a split-sider the other day.

It was like 25 things that have happened on The Simpsons that you probably have no idea about. Yeah, and Marge's sister's gay. Well, she's been... She came out a while ago. They always hinted at that. Yeah, and she got married and adopted a baby in China and stuff. All right, anyway, on with your story.

But also, the woman that does the voice of Edna Krabappel just died. Really? Yeah. That's too bad. Did she do other voices on the show? I think it was just her. I think it's like Maria Wallace. I think that was just her. I think it's Maria Wallace. I think that's her name.

Yeah, it's a bummer. Oh, yeah, okay. So I had a regular cab driver for a while. I had his number, and he'd come get me, whatever. Why are you looking at me perplexed? The way you said it, you had your own cab driver. When you don't have a car You start getting to know the cabbies somewhat

And you have your guy that you call And he'll come get you wherever you are So he actually He wouldn't stop talking to me about Islam And he insisted on giving me You get to your destination You try to open the door He just locks it

Now the teachings of Muhammad... You're like, enough about Christian... Muslim Santa. With the sanctity of the Lord. Enough Muslim Santa, or whatever you call it. I can't find salvation.

Okay, so he's talking here. I start a Muslim nation. So yeah, he just was always talking to me about it and just trying to bring up these points that were like... Always? He admitted to me that he was in his late 20s and had never had sex because he was a committed Muslim. And he would bring up these points like, no, they had a taboo against eating pigs.

And then you find out that pigs are really unhealthy. They knew that before. That was his big point that he had for me. And he's a really nice guy. And he insisted on giving me the Koran on CD. Right. I listened to it. Didn't do much for me.

It was a little bit more, I can put it up against Thomas' reading of the Bible. And though, of course, Thomas is far more entertaining than audio guy reading. Who's not riffing on it. It was a little bit more direct and to the point than the Bible seems to be. Okay.

It just started right in with the rules. It's like, hey, man. Don't. Yeah, basically. Look at be. Okay. It just started right in with the rules. It's like, hey, man. Don't. Yeah, basically. Look at women. Yeah. Is that part of the Koran that women have to be covered up? I believe so.

I don't know. I wouldn't be shocked if it's part of the Bible, too. Yeah. Well, there's all kinds of dumb shit in there. Yeah. Yeah. Also, like the pig thing. Like, don't eat pigs.

Mike Stork brought up a good point about that. I think it's in a bit that he's working on. Like a lot of the rules were like don't eat meat on certain days and stuff. It's because the meat would historically be bad like the end of the week or when you're slaughtering. That might be true or not. No, it's stuff like that, right? Yeah, like cultures have taboos against certain foods sometimes for like whatever reason. Like fish made some guy sick one time, so they decided fish were evil or the band yeah

get out of here bitch I think there was something with cloven-hoved animals with people back then was it the Leviticus like you know if your wife is on her period, don't make eye contact. Yeah, it was really... Cut her. She's supposed to, like, go live in a tent somewhere. Yeah. It's so stupid.

Yeah, wasn't she supposed to be banished if you're ever in a fight and she's on her period? She, like, touches you to, like, break up the fight or something? Like, she'd be banished? Yeah, yeah. Like, chop off her hand or something? Yeah, that is so weird. Like, if your wife is on her period and pulls you out of a fight, you have to cut her hand off. Jesus Christ.

Who the fuck made that guy the boss? Like, how did he get in charge? Like, oh, it's Leviticus, guys. He's got some good ideas. I don't know. I think most of the books in the Bible are named after, like, religious leaders. Right. That's what I'm saying.

How did he move up? I don't know. Who knows? So weird, dude. Speaking of religion, which I don't know too much about, and apologies to our Muslim listeners, I make fun of most religions. Yeah.

No offense. Right. No, do what you got to do. This new pope, he's not like the old pope. This isn't your grandpa's pope. This is not your Nazi. This is a 90s pope. This isn't your grandpa's Pope. This is not your Nazi. This is a 90s Pope. This isn't your Nazi youth Pope.

Right. What's he like wearing? Apparently, there's like this. He wears a backwards hat. Yo, Jesus is pretty cool. Neon pink fanny pack. And the devil drools. There was this arch, I think it was an archbishop or maybe it was a cardinal,

but he was known as Cardinal bling. Like that's what people call it. Like he was taking all this money and all kinds of stuff. And, uh, the Pope found out about it. He was like, get the fuck out, kicked him out of the Vatican or wherever he was like brought him out of power. And apparently this, uh, Cardinal was sitting on like $40 million or something like that. So, uh, the Pope just put it towards, uh, um, feeding the homeless and like a soup kitchen. this cardinal was sitting on like 40 million dollars or something like that so uh the pope

just put it towards uh um feeding the homeless in like a soup kitchen so it's like all right that's pretty good yeah he's not too bad like when many there yeah i could i could like i mean there are many things about religion that i don't like but i do think a lot of most at least most religious people in our culture are decent. Yeah, I honestly feel on a micro level it's really good. Like most people that I meet that go to church are super nice or have some type of religion. But yeah.

It's just weird. It's just weird. It's like an awkward. Yeah. Humans are like in an awkward stage. Yeah. Because it's like we're adjusted to live in the Paleolithic caveman world. In a 90s kind of Paleolithic world.

In a Paleolithic world. I'm glad I've got my girls. I'm glad I've got my girls veiled. Ew. But we haven't quite adjusted to the modern world. And we can't really because it's constantly changing. Yeah. Well, also, yeah, our brains aren't really even there yet

with all the type of information that's coming at us all the time. I will say that the Unabomber was right about that. All right. That's all the time we have. I'm Mike Moran. Saying the Unabomber was right. I can't co-sign his mass murder, but I will say that he was right about the fact that our brains are unhappy

because we're not adjusted to the modern world. Well, yeah, I mean, you see that too. These tribes that haven't been touched by modern society, they're probably way fucking happier than we are because they just don't have to. I mean, they probably get depressed about some stuff. Like, ugh, I wish I had as many goats as that guy. Yeah, it's weird.

I'm trying to figure that out. Like, humans want progress and technology, but it also makes us less happy in a lot of ways. Yeah, you've got to learn to temper it. I mean, it really is kind of a drug, I'm sure. I bet the same type of stuff, if you were checking, like, if you got a good email or a bunch of retweets or something like that. The parts of your brain that are, like, being activated are probably similar to the type of receptors where you're like, oh, that's good. That's good. I want more of that.

Right. That's why it's easy, I think, to get addicted to your phone and be like, oh, yeah. And it's just the – think about, like, how few decisions and choices you had to make in the Paleolithic world compared to now. Yeah, I know what you mean. You probably wouldn't have to think like 95% of the day. No, you say if we were just cavemen? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, because you're always just trying to stay alive and fuck. I mean, that's pretty much what I do now. But like it's all laid out for you, like your entire life, like all you do is just this. And then they get depressed about that. Why can't me have more? Me want study. I don't know. I mean, it's a good time to be alive, though.

It's the absolute best time to be alive. As far as physical health and comfort and opportunities, we couldn't possibly live in a greater time true but like i said we face um psychological difficulty because our brains are not adjusted for this world yeah i can't wait to well maybe not can't wait but i was thinking the other day and i'm sure other people have said this before but all the technology that we have and the wi-fi and that type of stuff like all this shit's just floating in the air. Could be so bad for us.

Could be giving us cancer all the time. Like, you know what I mean? Like people in like the 20s and the 30s, the doctors are like, yeah, smoke. Keep smoking. Yeah, but people are way smarter than they were back then. I know, but there's just some stuff as we move into these new territories. I mean, all kinds of stuff. Like even when they used to do like x-rays at the dentist, they're like, all right, just stand right here.

You know what I mean? That wasn't that long ago. It's that type of stuff where yeah it's possible it's gonna be think about how many hundreds of years the best scientific minds in the world thought bleeding was a great idea right leeches and all that stuff and like but oh let's release the demons in your brain but the the world is is far more scientifically yeah standing these days i know but even you know even with science for a long time, people always get shit wrong. I mean, that's the good thing about it is that it can change,

but the heliocentric. It's possible, but I would advise against. I think we have a built-in science phobia. I'm not scared of science. I'm just saying the stuff that we know. You're a science phobe, aren't you? I knew it. No, man.

I just don't want it around me. Some of my best friends a science phobe, aren't you? I knew it. No, man. No. I just don't want it around me. Some of my best friends are science. What are you talking about? You should have said scientists. That would have been funny. Our science. Look, look, I'm pretty sure my aunt's a scientist. She's not married.

No, I just don't want her around my kids. How am I supposed to explain to my kids that two scientists are doing... I bet you... That have hypotheses. I bet you there seriously was a time where, like, people were, like, genuinely science-phobic. Of course. Yeah, I mean, like, look at Galileo. Why are you hanging around that scientist?

Well, Galileo is, like, excommunicated from the church and on house arrest his whole life when he was just, like... And now he's an example for every person that comes up with a shitty idea. Well, they may me on Galileo. Like what I just did. But no, there was that too. Just like, I don't know. Like, I mean, you couldn't even study the human body and stuff. Like Leonardo da Vinci had to steal cadavers just to study him and stuff.

Like, yeah. So even if you're doing artwork, that's why it's so much like medieval art just sucks. People just look kind of flat. Yeah. Because they never got a chance to really study the body. But Leonardo da Vinci would steal bodies. A lot of artists would. Wow.

And then literally cut them open and see the muscle. And this is who we're naming our Ninja Turtles after. Yeah, that's true. And Raphael would fuck them. Michelangelo was apartheid. Yep. No, what is he? I never got that about him. Michelangelo was apartheid. Yep. I never got that about him. What does he have to do with colonialism in Africa?

Everything. Did they ever explore that? Give me a breakdown of what you're talking about there. Apartheid. What are you talking about? I don't know that song. You know, like the Ninja Turtles song? Why did you laugh so hard at that?

Because you've told me about that before, but I don't know the genesis of it. Raphael was cool but rude. Michelangelo was a party dude. What is this from? The song for the Ninja Turtles. The cartoon. That's a part of it? Yeah. It's a party dude. What is this from? The song for the Ninja Turtles. The cartoon. Yes. That's a part of it?

Yeah. It's a part of it. Donatello, Leonardo. Doesn't flush the toilet, he lets it mellow. Leonardo is a dork or something And Donatello makes a machine And Michelangelo Is a apartheid dude And Raphael's rude

Raphael has Sociopathic tendencies Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Oh god what a good show Okay real quick Speaking of childhood things uh halloween was just last night yeah but i got home a little late i was gonna i was excited to put some candy out for the kids uh-huh give some away we have two our neighbors have uh two young kids and i was

at the store and i was like you know what i'm gonna be the cool neighbor and get the full the full size hershey bars and m&ms but i got home too late and then it started to rain i was like, you know what? I'm going to be the cool neighbor and get the full-size Hershey bar and some M&Ms. But I got home too late, and then it started to rain. I was like, ah, this shit's... We got zero at my house. Really? Yeah. You guys are a little off the beaten path here

in the Baltimore city. Yeah, but I mean, there's plenty of kids around there. All right. Hey, don't be so defensive. I'm just saying. They're just working in coal mines. Okay. They come home with coal on their face.

It's like, I don't have time. Why do you get coal? Yeah, on Christmas they sing songs. Ask for bread. They ask for a penny. Mr. Moran. But anyway, so I got these Hershey bars just sitting around. Right.

And I go to work today in Amanda's home. She works at night. My lady, who I cohabitate with. I got these chocolate bars sitting by the door. And I come home, and I notice they're gone. I'm like, what, did she eat them? What, did she eat them? I text her.

She's at work. She goes, oh, no, I gave them to the neighbors to give to the kids. So now she's stealing all my glory like she bought these. Like taking candy from a Josh. Exactly. Now, she might have said, oh, Josh got these for you guys. Right. But in their minds, they're forever

going to associate her with free candy. Exactly. Oh, hey, it's Hershey Bar Amanda and that asshole. So what are you going to do? I don't know. Fucking leave her. I guess. That's all you can do. Go to a different neighborhood and establish yourself there.

Just walk around the neighborhood giving candy. Like looking for little kids. That'll make you look good if you go around giving candy to kids. The day after Halloween, like, I'm cool, right? I got the big bar. You want the big bar? The big one. It's big and brown.

Everybody else got the little one. I could just see like the dad Just seeing you from the side Holding out a candy bar And being like Here you go take it Put it in your head It tastes good

It's huge huh It's real good Remember that's from your Old buddy Josh It's creamy It's creamy on the inside Tastes real good Can you taste the nuts

Can you taste these nuts The kid's like, what? Like, Deez Nuts! Oh, man. Coming full circle on the Deez Nuts jokes. I love it. A circle of nuts. You had a birthday recently, Josh.

Yes. Are you aware of this? What? Yeah. Turned 27 years old. You're an old guy now. Speaking of that microphone, old man. An adult. Yeah. Turned 27 years old. You're an old guy now. Speaking of that microphone, old man. You're an adult.

Yeah. God, this is retarded. Now, like, you're the late 20s guy. Yeah. And I'm the early 30s guy. Yeah. What the fuck is that shit? I don't know.

You're fucking old, bro. It's retarded. You can't say that word. I'm sorry. I actually have been trying not to say it. Some of our listeners are retarded Muslims. Wow. We apologize in advance.

Oh, yeah. For the suicide bombing. Oh, my goodness. Hey, it's all good. It's all good. Right? Right. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, birthday was good. Went to Ocean City, Marlin. And went bowling. Went to the boardwalk. Yeah. Did some mini golf. And I am just, I'm the worst. It was me and a few friends and Amanda and my one friend's girlfriend.

And we bowled two games, came in last both times. Amanda, at the end of one of the games, bowled four strikes in a row. Wow. And I just, it was, I hated it too because I'm trying to like, I'm not very, like I can play music and I have a little bit of hand-eye coordination, but as far as like sports go, that's pretty tough for me. And they're all ragging on me like, yeah, bowling's a sport. I'm like, it is.

You've got to have some type of coordination. I'm just trying to line up my shot every time and have the same form every time, which just was the weirdest thing because I would get a strike and then two gutter balls. I'm like, what the fuck? But Amanda, literally, it was different each time. She was just not even using the same ball, just whatever's up there, and just heaved this motherfucker down there.

And then she got four strikes in a row. Wow, that is insane. I know. Just like not only are you emasculated to be crazy, you're just like, oh, man, look at that. Like, what the fuck is going on? You know what I found works? Yeah.

What you got to do is nobody ever has done this besides me, I'm pretty sure. I've never heard of anyone doing this. You don't bowl like a grandma, do you? You look at the boards on the floor, and you line up the board that will go into the middle with where you are. Yeah. And you chuck your ball right down that line. And you look. Yeah, I think my thing is when I let the ball go, I was kind of curving it to the side a little bit.

So my release wasn't straight and true. Right. Yeah, and then we played mini golf and came in last in that. Just like these easy like hole-in-one shots, like the gimme ones. I did it like three times. Like, God damn it. That's how I am too. It was so frustrating.

But I won a game of Rummy 500. I needed that. I really needed that. I didn't realize you were in a NASCAR. Yeah. I needed that. Wait, Rummy? What's NASCAR?

Oh, the Rummy 500. Gotcha. Sorry. Good job. Or having sex with a whole lot of porn stars. Yep. The Rummy 500. I think there was Like a Daytona 500

Where a porn star Named Daytona Had sex with 500 men At once Yes I saw 500 dicks in her At the same time

And boy Were her arms tired I There was a documentary About that About ex-porn stars And like their lives now And she was one of them

How's she doing? Great No I'm just kidding off Really? What's wrong with her? I think she actually had some type of disease or cancer. Oh, that sucks. And she had some bad plastic surgery.

Like, you know, those people that got in on the initial wave of plastic surgery in the 80s. Right. Where you're like, oh, you shouldn't do that. They're like the guinea pigs for everybody else. Like, this is what we shouldn't do. Right. Yeah. And then, of course, there's some that were evangelical

Christians now. Peter North was on there. He's just like, I've had sex with a lot of girls. He's still a porn star, isn't he? Might be, but he's talking about this girl, this one porn star he's in love with, and she's married now. He's just like this guy. I thought he was gay.

Is he? I thought so. He was in gay porn initially Yeah then there's always that myth I don't know maybe it's true You gotta do gay porn first before you get into straight porn Gotta do gay porn Why? Them's the rules man

You wanna be fucking them big titty bitches You gotta bury your cock in some ass first Well alright I'd probably I'd probably be like Fine bitches, you got to bury your cock in some ass first. Well, all right. I'd probably be like, ah, fine. We need to be talking here. You were saying earlier, not opposed to two dudes, one girl, three sons. Well, no, I am opposed to that. That's all the time.

But I'm so desperate at this point in my life that I'd probably go along with it. But not in a gay way. I don't want to touch the other guy. What, are you a homophobe? No, I just don't want my penis on his penis. I don't think you have to do that. Okay, then we're fine. But you have to hold hands.

That's fine. You could finish if you're holding a dude's hand. Well, I can't finish anyway because I'm on antidepressants. Okay. Touche. That'll be, you know. Okay. All right.

Another fella and a lady listening out there. Figure it out. Figure it out. What else is happening, Mike Brand? You want to wrap this thing up? What else is happening? Not much that I can think of. Okay.

I'll be doing some stand-up on Monday at Joe Squared as part of the Fringe Festival. Yeah, I'll be doing that on Thursday. Awesome. Yeah. So that'll be the Monday this comes out. Monday, November 4th. Be there. Joe Squared. Free show, I'm pretty sure. I think out, Monday, November 4th. Be there. Joe Squared.

Free show, I'm pretty sure. I think so. Yeah, really good lineup. A lot of good local people. And I'll be there on, I'll be at Liam Flynn's doing that on Thursday. Awesome. But yeah, as always, go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar and come see us live. I'm lining up a bunch of stuff for November.

Should be a lot of fun. And Mike's got a bunch of stuff for November. Should be a lot of fun. Mike's got a bunch of stuff too. Oh yeah, I saw the first cut of that Duke Claw sketch that I'm in. Oh yeah? Yeah, it looks pretty good. I'm excited. It looks really good. The guy that directed and edited and shot it and stuff, he did a really

good job. Awesome. Yeah, it was cool. I'm excited. I'll let you dickheads see that. If you ever wanted to see Josh Gadarn in a blue dress, now's your time. Now your time has come. Time has come. There's nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come. Am I right? Huh? Time has come. There's nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.

Am I right? Huh? I'm listening to this audio book that just goes on and on and on. Is it The NeverEnding Story? Yeah, basically. I downloaded it and it's like 36 hours or something. What is it? It's called The Better Angels of Our Nature.

It's really good. It's about how violence has declined over the years and why and how. Uh-huh. I fall asleep listening to it and then I wake up with tidbits like that. Oh, okay. Sorry to tack that on. That was terrible. Not a problem, my friend.

All right. This has been fun. Next week, we'll have a guest. I'm trying to get this fellow, Rex Anderson, who I do a podcast with. And he's kind of the spine of that. It's called Meanwhile at the Skull Base, and super funny guy. And, yeah, going to have some other folks on and kind of rambling here. I always get so tired after playing drums for, like, two hours. That's good.

Do you get sore? No. Oh. Not really sore. Just muscle then. No, I don't think so. My hands get all fucked up

are you like out of breath no not out of breath it's just it's just tiring because you're using I use my whole body I mean

every drummer does I guess no but you're you're particularly oh I rock yeah you do I rock the fuck out thanks man

you do too I don't know of any other local drummer that like hits it like you do. You're trying to get me in a threesome, aren't you? Is that what you're doing right now? I am. Mike's rubbing his foot on the ground.

Aw, shucks, mister. Well, heck, you caught me. Okay, well, this has been a lot of fun. Follow us on Twitter. At Better Robot Josh. Be a follower, been a lot of fun. Follow us on Twitter, at BetterRobotJosh. Be a follower, not a leader. Yeah. My man, my confidant, my counterpart,

my co-pilot when Jesus calls out sick, Mr. Mike Moran. He's at MichaelMoran10. I'm losing my voice over here. That's not part of my Twitter handle. It's just... takes up all 140 characters and like I said digressionsessions.com

slash calendar come see us live we really appreciate it and yeah if you like the show tell somebody about the show and spread the word

and more importantly if you like somebody, tell somebody. Tell somebody. Thank you, guys. Thank you.