The Digression Sessions - Ep. 99 - Mike & Josh Solo! (Happy Thanksgiving!)

Episode Date: November 28, 2013

Come see us perform stand up and improv! DigressionSessions.com/Calendar And follow us on Twitter! @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @DigSeshPod Ohhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhh! Hola DigHeads! Happy Thanksgiving! Cut yourself a slice of pumpkin pie, fasten a buckle to your hat and shoes, hand a Native American an infected blanket, and relax with your favorite pair of ear buds! On this week’s Digression Sessions, Josh and Mike celebrate Thanksgiving by focusing an episode on the two things they are most thankful for: Josh Kuderna and Mike Moran! That’s right no guest this week, just the love between the two hosts! On this week’s episode Josh and Mike let loose by discussing their favorite personal Thanksgiving stories, of which neither have a single one. Also Josh admits his traditional Thanksgiving meat relapse (don’t tell his sponsor), Mike learns of the band, The Lost Prophets, for one of the worst reasons…and then they joke about it for 20 minutes or so… Thanks for listening everyone! We are truly thankful for you guys! We have listeners all around the world and you guys are damn amazing! If you get a chance, please leave us an iTunes review, find the Digression Sessions Facebook page, and maybe tell a friend about Digression Sessions.We Love you!          

What was the line? I love ya! Uh, it is, uh, the digression sessions. Yeah, the digression sessions. Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In Baltimore. In Baltimore. The digression sessions.

Not your grandpa's third favorite podcast. In. In. Baltimore. Baltimore. In. I'm sorry. In.

En Español. Por Fútbol. Okay. Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast. Hey everybody, I'm Josh Koderna. And I'm Mike Moran. And you're listening to The Degression Sessions Podcast, a Baltimore-based comedy talk show

hosted by two young, handsome stand-up comedians slash improvisers. Join us every week as we journey through the world of comedy and the bizarreness of existence as we interview local and non-local comedians, writers, musicians, and anyone else we find creative and interesting. Yes. Who's the guest this week? Oh, yeah.

To Pacific Ocean. Captain Specific. We did a play in, like, fourth grade, and there was a character named Captain Specific. Oh, yeah? Uh-huh. I don't know why that was, but there was a character named Captain Specific. Oh yeah? Uh-huh. I don't know what, why that was, but it was about drugs.

Uh-huh. I guess you're supposed to be really specific to make sure the people know that you're not asking for drugs. Just in general? Just like, uh. I can't remember. Hey man, you looking for a good time? I do remember how the song went though. Break it down.

All right, let's move on. Okay. The chorus was like, Captain, Captain Specific. What is that, like the laziest music teacher ever? You know, she goes something like, Captain, Captain. I would not have you speak of Mrs. McDonald that way. Actually, she was really mean and really kind of hated me all throughout elementary school. Really?

Yeah. She used to make it funny. Mike Moran, I'm stupid. The song writes itself. I'll figure it out. I'd appreciate it. All right. All right.

Let's get it going, huh? It's a podcast. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's get it going, huh? Let's podcast. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do that. Yeah. Don't you want me, baby? Mike Moran.

Yeah. How the hell are you? How am I? It doesn't matter. You're breaking into the white clef featuring the rocks. It doesn't matter. Yep's breaking into the Wyclef featuring The Rocks, It Doesn't Matter? Yep, that was. Oh, my God. It doesn't matter.

How did he ever think that would be a good follow-up hit? That's so dumb. Wasn't he kind of like a college weed-smoking type of... Wyclef Jean? Yeah. I don't remember him collaborating with The Rock. What are you... You sang it.

No, that was The Rock's catchphrase. It doesn't matter. Well, there was a song where it was Wyclef Jean? Yeah. I don't remember him collaborating with The Rock. What are you saying? You sang it. No, that was The Rock's catchphrase. It doesn't matter. Well, there was a song where it was Wyclef. I didn't know it was a song. Yeah, it was a big expensive video and everything. And the chorus was, it doesn't matter. It was The Rock saying it doesn't matter. Oh, okay.

No, because he would say that in WWF. Sure. Of course. Did you watch wrestling? Yes. What are you kidding? Even as a kid, I thought it was trashy. Of course it was trashy.

I did like playing with the action figures, however. Oh, okay. Those were like super fun for some reason. Oh, yeah. I had all that stuff. G.I. Joe's. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying I really enjoyed the WWF action figures.

Well, why? Even though I didn't like it. Why come? I don't that. I'm saying I really enjoyed the WWF action figures. Well, why? Even though I didn't like them. Why come? I don't know. I don't know. I only played with them like two or three times, but it was always a blast. I didn't own them. Okay.

You just sneak into people's houses. You got that new Stone Cold? No. No? First of all, this was like decades before Stone Cold. Decades? And Cold Stone. So in 1976.

Even that wouldn't amount to two decades, I don't think it would so in 1976 even that wouldn't amount to two decades I don't think yeah this is like 1990 probably okay that's like even earlier maybe

that's like five years before Stone Cold sure not two decades but it's at that age it's a lifetime I was like a grown man

by the time Stone Cold came out I had a full beard no you didn't and a like a grown man by the time Stone Cold came out. I had a full beard. And a family. Decent man. I was a logger in the greater Yukon. You think I'm

going to be watching wrestling? I live wrestling. I wrestle with debt every day of my life. But every Sunday we'd always head down for the picture show. We'd pile in my truck. Buy each of the kids a peppermint stick. Oh, that's nice.

That's nice. So, Mike, no guest this week. No guest. Just the... But plenty of guests. Hey now. It's Thanksgiving. Hey, now. It's Thanksgiving. Well, tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

The day this comes out. This is coming out tomorrow? Yeah. So I got to write a thing tonight? Jesus Christ. You don't have to. Oh, I will. Well, you just sat here for four hours editing.

I guess I can take 12 seconds to bash out three paragraphs that you're probably going to completely edit. Well, I will edit a little bit, especially this attitude. Some of that comes through. Jesus. Mike, you got any good Thanksgiving

stories? No. Not a single one that i can think of all right well that's all the time for this week thanks everybody for tuning in um join us on christmas for some more christmas stories what about you do you know i think you're fishing for me to ask you about your thanksgiving oh me? My thing? I don't have any. Really? No one? No. Not really. I mean, other than no big blow-ups or fights or nothing.

I wasn't necessarily looking for that. Nobody's killed anybody. Did your mom ever cry on Thanksgiving? I'm trying to think. Anything fun or ridiculous uh let me think here did anything tragic happen on a thanks no that was flag day that the knives came out that was flag day not turkey day uh no all uh um the the only like relevant stuff i mean i love thanksgiving because there's uh none of the the-giving pressure and all that stuff. You're just hanging out, which I enjoy, to hang with the family.

Actually, last year was the first year my uncle was like, how about no gifts this year? I was like, fucking A. For Thanksgiving? Which was a pain because that's a month turnaround. I've got to buy more gifts for these adults. You know how long it took me to find this buckle hat? I've got to get buckle shoes.

A lot of buckles in the old ones. Lots of buckles. I wonder if the buckle really... They didn't have zippers, so put a buckle on it. Put a buckle on it. If you like it, then you should have put a buckle on it. Speaking of that, I recently got... I went to New York this past weekend.

That's why we're a little late on this episode. And I got my lady a little memento of my travels. Got her a little gift. Oh, yeah? Was it an I Heart NY mug? Yep. She's the proud owner of an I Heart New York white t-shirt. What if I just crossed out New York and write you?

I got you this custom shirt. Did you get her a Statue of Liberty headdress? A plastic one? Yeah, it's a lighter. It doubles as a lighter. Oh, cool. And a beer koozie helmet. A lighter?

Yep. That would be a lighter. You know, I don't know. New York's crazy, man. Yeah, it's crazy. Now, I got her a necklace. It's a little gold heart, and it says sweet tits on it. Really?

Yeah. That's awful. Did you have them engraved, or did they have it already? I'm not going to tell you. Either one is kind of trash. Well, it was funny. It was at this super nice store. It was one of these boutique shops in Brooklyn. One of those weird... Excuse me, man. Well, that's funny when I was, it was at this super nice store. It's like one of these like boutique shops in Brooklyn.

One of those weird. Excuse me, ma'am. Well, that's what I did. I said, can I please see the sweet tits? She was like, okay, and pulled her shirt up. All right, ma'am. Very well. No dignity.

But it was one of those shops that you go into sometimes and you're like, oh, man, that's a pretty cool shirt. How much is this? Oh, $300. It was like just regular like a New york like flannel like button-up shirt like well it's yeah that's always weird like it's american-made like 185 dollars that's fucking nuts yeah if the store isn't the size of a stadium then i probably shouldn't buy clothes there that is true yeah the uh the square footage to price ratio. It is. I'm with you.

No, yeah. I think Hannibal Buress has a joke about, like, how do some of these shops survive, which is, like, the weirdest shit in New York. And I saw one on the bus coming in. We came in through Chelsea. And I swear to God, one shop was, it was just, like, the walls were all green. It was about, like, a small, maybe, like, I don't know, like, the walls were all green. It was about, like, a small, maybe, like, I don't know, like, 50 by 25 feet. Like, just general, like, small boutique kind of shop.

Right. You'd see on the street. The walls are lime green. Nothing on the floor except a desk that a woman is at at her laptop. And nothing else on the walls. And the only thing hanging from the ceiling was a giant disco ball. And that was it. So, it's like, what is what is that shop well it must be something but what maybe maybe i don't know maybe she's a psychic or something maybe she's like the

some storefronts that don't that are just like you know i don't know like uh places where you come to i don't know i don't know man big old cities i don't know. I don't know, man. Big old cities. I don't know what they do. Maybe it's like the front of a chiropractor's office or something. I don't know. Maybe they rent those inflatable jumper things. Yeah, very much could be.

But that is a good, I don't understand. Have you worked in restaurants where it's like... Yeah. You know how there's restaurants that are just busy as shit all the time, and they still almost always go bankrupt, like every restaurant? Yeah. Food costs, man. Yeah.

That'll kill you. But then there's these shitty stores that appear to have three people in them on any day, barely buy anything, and stay in business for 30 years. Right, that's what I mean. I guess if you sell two pairs of pants in a week, you make your nut. You pay your rent. You've got some overhead.

You pay the electric bill. We stole two pairs of pants. $3,400 we made. Party. I guess. That's why they're so overpriced. that it's just like if someone's just like too lazy to go to like Old Navy or something. Yeah, like somehow like an old rich person is marooned in Brooklyn, New York. That's completely like what they make their money on.

They're just luring old people out there. I always thought it'd be a good idea to have like some sort of hotline where it's like a dollar the first minute and then like two thousand dollars every next minute and just the very few people that you can get to stay on okay there was uh there was this awesome app that um that itunes got rid of it was called the i'm rich app and the guy sold it for 999 and uh the only thing it did once you like click the i'm rich app like a like a ruby like from like look like like a sega game like ruby like like super pixelated that that would pop up in the middle and it just said I'm rich up top and that's it so like how did he get away with that um he didn't I think he sold like 11 of them and then iTunes shut it down but still 11 at like a thousand

dollars and pop that's fucking great the best scam ever is the one uh in the in the newspaper where it's like send me five dollars and i'll show you how to make money or something like that and then it just sends you like a copy of that there's like friend this is just just do that yeah cash for gold that type of shit um but yeah what were we talking about oh yeah thanksgiving no gifts um yeah as a vegetarian started eating turkey a couple years ago at the old thanksgiving well as a vegetarian that makes sense yeah well i i did the dumb tofurkey thing like showing up that sucks was showing up to my aunt's house and you know like they've been cooking for hours and like excuse me uh when can i put my tofurkey in the oven?

This gelatinous ball that has no taste. Can you make room for that? Is it shaped like a turkey? No, it's like a little fat cylinder. And that's it. And then it has some stuffing in the middle. Okay. I mean, not terrible, but still.

Are you a fan of the tofu? Are you good with replacing the meats with tofu? No, not really. I used to be Morningstar's veggie sausage. I like to do that. But put a little bit of syrup on that with some eggs. For the listeners at home, I kissed. I made a kissy face.

Yeah, but no. Ever since I found out that tofu increases your estrogen production. Ever since I grew this pair of breasts. Ever since I grew this magnificent pair of breasts, I said, okay. I started having a period every month. Shed my uterine lining once, shame on me. See, that's another reason why I can't be vegetarian. I don't need any less testosterone in the mix. Well, yeah, I mean, but now I eat fish, and there's a lot of beans and rice and quinoa where you can get protein and stuff.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah. No, that's good. I definitely just can't do it. I cannot do it. Without feeling sick and empty, I can't do it. And I feel kind of bad about it. Uh-huh. But I try to stick mostly to cruelty-free stuff.

Like, I go to the co-op and pick up a big old hunk of steak. You get the cruelty-free menu at Burger King. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay. Hold on. Let me let this dog out, speaking of cruelty. Mike, vamp.

What does vamp mean? Hey, listen, everybody. Let's read my texts together. Dad is bringing pies, so I think we're good. Thanks, though. You said you didn't have any Thanksgiving stories. I'm pretty sure the boys are having uncle withdrawals, so they will be excited to see you.

I swear they love you more than me. That's vamping. That's how you do it. What does vamping mean? just kind of keeping it going you're supposed to I thought it meant to bring it to an awkward halt Mike quickly vamp

so my day do you remember the band the Lost Prophets? no they I think they were Scottish or from Wales. Are they after 2001? Yeah. Then I don't know.

They were like, not really like, they were kind of new medley a little bit. I think I weirdly remember like reading about them once. Does the lead singer have like long red hair? No. Well, he might. I don't know. It's funny that you bring up the lead singer because uh i was on huffington post today and uh it said uh singer um cops to uh child molestation and

child sex charges no way like that and uh just had a picture of like uh just like a regular looking like rock star kind of dude he's singing it's like anarchy shirt right and it's the uh it's the singer of lost prophets and he's convicted of like 36 cases of child molestation and rape including trying to rape two babies no shut up two yeah shut the hell up isn't that insane oh what i was't that insane? Oh. What? I was thinking like he banged a 16-year-old groupie. No. Oh, Lord, kill me. I cannot think about little, little kids.

Oh, yeah. Like, ugh. Ian Watkins, Lost Prophets singer, pleads guilty to attempted rape of baby. Oh. Multiple child sex offenses did the baby pull mace on him probably okay so this man is a straight up um pedophile like serious pedophile not like yeah she lied about her age no no this isn't just like he pulled his dick out right that's not even like showing your balls to a 12-year-old boy.

No. This is... Oh, man. So he was charged last year, and this is a banned statement, after nearly a year of coming to terms

with our heartache, we finally feel ready to announce publicly that we have thought privately for some time. Baby rapes are wrong. Yeah, like, so are they saying they kind of knew he was a pedophile for a long time?

Yeah. It's like, well, why are you playing in a band? Well, they suspected it, they said. I know, but wouldn't you bring that up? Well, it's rude. I mean, sure, ideally, but if you just had weird suspicions of something like that, it probably... I don't know. I guess it all depends on the circumstances. If you really believe children are being hurt and you don't say anything, then that's one thing.

But if you just think something weird is going on... You don't try to suss it out just a little bit? You're not just like, man, 11-year-olds, huh? And if he's like, yeah. You're like, wait a minute, Ian. Well, what if he's like, what? Yeah, a minute right right well what if he's like what yeah yeah that's a hard one to break then you look like the pedophile right it's a tough road to travel it's a primrose path if you're like yeah

do you find children attract no do you find children attractive? Right, right. They're suspecting each other. He pled guilty to depraved sex charges. Is this guy going into the can for the rest of his life? I think he has to. He admitted to the attempted rape and sexual assault of a child under 13 years old, three counts of sexual assault involving children, and six involving taking, making, or possessing indecent images of children, and one of possessing an extreme pornographic image involving a sect act on an animal.

What? I always think about this stuff, like the stuff they find on people's computers. There's probably some gnarly shit that's been on my computer. Yeah, but I think they can, you know, if you're like saving images of child pornography. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure, you know, if you're like saving images of child pornography yeah i mean i'm sure you know there's there's stuff if even if even if i was all clear i would still really not want people to go through my search history of course even though i clear it like every that's always like the most shameful post-masturbation thing like clearing away all the stuff that i because like

i'll go to google videos and then I have to like... It'll only erase three at a time, so I have to go like, oh my God, that was me like 10 minutes ago. Big booty bitch drowns and come. Come on. Get it together.

Okay, this guy. Admitted to attempting to rape the 11th month old baby. Oh, I can't hear about this. I cannot. I cannot. I can't think about it. Give me something else.

Fucking anything. Put on Bud Dwyer. Can we watch Bud Dwyer, please? Faces of Death 9. Can we put that on, please? Please? I wanted to watch Dwyer tonight. Dwyer tonight.

Bud Dwyer at a talk show. Bud Dwyer. This will show. Bud Dwyer. This will only take a minute. Let's go out with a bang. Where's my mail? Can I see a picture of this fella? The lost,

not Bud Dwyer, Lost Prophets. There's one attractive lead singer. That's Reese Witherspoon. Oh, right. That's Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog.

That's Jared from Subway. Oh. Oh, my God. Watching TV with the sound off Of the gym is so stupid Yeah Oh man It's like so dumb I

Jared just like walked He just like made a guest appearance On something last night It was on like a TV show I don't No it was some It was like the biggest loser Or something

Like where you walking to Jared We've got Yeah He doesn't really look familiar But Yeah I feel like maybe I read we've got uh yeah um he doesn't really look familiar but yeah

I feel like maybe I I read like an article in Metal Edge about them years ago yeah yeah yeah they're like a Welsh kind of like new metal kind of band

wow wow fucking hey ugh wow woo yeah needless to say

their next album they're gonna have a lot to talk about. A lot to talk about. This is just the case of the liberal media going after good people, I think. Yeah, I agree. Your good Welsh new metal band. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.

Needless to say, the band's going to break up. They're not necessarily breaking up. I'm going to get another lead singer. Yeah, but I don't... He might feel weird about singing his lyrics, though, because he'll probably start finding subtle hints. Baby, baby, baby. Ooh, baby.

Damn, baby, you look good. Little did we know he was talking about actual babies. It all makes sense now. They're all double entendres. You know Jerry Sandusky's autobiography was called Touched? No joke. Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God. What? Is that an authorized autobiography?

Yeah, he wrote it. Yeah. Touched. Yeah. His publisher's just like, nothing else. He's like, well, I was going to call it a showering of words, but I can do touched if you want. No, the band said we can no longer continue making or performing music as Lost Prophets. So they'll get another lead singer and they'll change the name.

Yeah, you've got to change the name because this new guy, you don't want to be the singer of Lost Prophets. That would suck if the next guy is a child murderer or something. Oh my god. We have worse luck than Def Leppard. Or, I mean, just a feeling for that guy, even if he is innocent, you know, like he just gets confused. Like, oh, the singer of Lost Prophets. That's who you are? Like, no, no, no. I'm the other singer.

Like, sure you are, Mr. Petify. Right, yeah, yeah. Stay away from my baby. Lost Prophets, number one hit. Baby, baby, baby. Hmm, Mr. Petify. Stay away from that baby. Lost Prophets number one hit. Baby, baby, baby. Hmm, baby. That's a good looking baby. He just gets more obvious.

Damn, that's a good looking baby. You mean like baby you look good? No, I meant what I said. Isn't there like a local sportscaster named Jerry Sandusky? Yes, but he spells it with a g poor thing poor baby what would you do if there's like a mass murder named josh could turn up i'd maybe go by my middle name or you know that you know the in the movie terminator 3 the uh claire dane's like uh like fiance you remember that

no I never saw Terminator 3 I've seen pieces of it it was very weird for me because Terminator 2 is such a big part of my youth and seeing Arnold looking kind of old it was too disturbing for you they were tarnishing it

I can't see you like this Arnold it was actually a pretty decent follow-up. All right. I saw clips of it. There's the chicks. There's a T-1000, but it's a chick, right? You're doing the robot. She walks around like, I am a Terminator.

No, she's a T-1000, bro. Excuse me. No, she's not a T-1000. A T-1000 is a liquid metal. She was like a T-2000 or something. TI-83. Yeah. Anyway.

Hey, now. John Connor's love interest is Claire Danes, but she has a fiance. A little bit of a tri-tri. Also, I don't like old John Connor. He did not look like young John Connor at all. Right. Anyway. Well, he's a different actor.

Exactly. Edward Furlow was on a furlough. You know he got arrested for trying to free lobsters in a grocery store once? Nah. Yeah. For trying free lobsters in a grocery store. What's wrong with sampling? Trying to free lobsters.

What? How do you do that? You're free now. You put them on the floor like, run. Run home. Go. Go, god damn it. No, don't look at me.

Go. He starts throwing stuff at him. You're free. Then he kills him. I'm a monster. No, he just reached in the tank. Was he wasted? I think so, yeah.

I think he was on like... I'm pretty sure it's called stealing. How do you not... Well, he just reached in the tank and was trying to... Was he wasted? I think so, yeah. I think he was on like... I'm pretty sure it's called stealing. How do you not... Well, he didn't walk... Did he put him in another tank and then take that outside and try to drive it to the ocean? I don't know. I don't think he got that far. Anyway, go on.

I'm going to look this up. Oh, yeah. Her husband's... Her fiance's character's name in the movie was Scott Peterson. Oh. And it was right around the Scott Peterson trial. And what was that again? They had to change the name digitally after it was made.

What was Scott Peterson? He murdered his wife, Lacey, I think. Was that her name? Yeah. Hmm. And dropped her in the bay. And it was really bizarre. He was dating some other woman at the time and told her that his wife was dead.

It was really strange because they seemed so normal. He just seemed like a normal douchebag. They always do. No, they usually seem... Whenever they interview the neighbors, he seemed like a normal douchebag. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just some Axe body spray and polo shirts. He was always bragging.

Let's see. Furlong. Some pals were at some store getting rowdy and yanking lobsters out of the chain store's tank. The police arrived and unsteady Furlong, who smelled of booze, began to turn around in circles when an officer tried to rescue him. Why did a chain store sell lobsters? Lobsters and chains. Well, it doesn't really sound like he was trying to free them. He was just taking them out of the tank or stealing them or something.

It is unclear whether Furlong, a PETA animal rights activist, was trying to free the incarcerated crustaceans. They're all like behind bars. Come on, man. Come on, Edward Furlong. One of them like masturbates and throws it on him. Like it sounds. One of the lobsters slowly turns around.

Hello, Edward. Free us, Edward. One of the lobsters kills the lobster guard. Has his lobster face on him. He has like a human. He kills a human. It's like a human, he kills a human.

It's like a lobster lying there. The human face like that's Bill Edwards. Somebody resuscitate him. Yeah. Just like, Oh, okay. All right,

Bill, you look good. Get out of here. Have a good night. You, it's a big shocking reveal. The lobster peels the face off. Bill was a lobster this whole time.

Wow. Yeah. Lobster escape. A lot of hot news talk. Hot news talk. So I got a text today at work. Here we go. That said, I think I saw you today.

Too bad we never actually met why not just uh say hi you talking to me or her why don't you just talk to her hey michael just talk to this broad you go off there um that's that's weird yeah what's what look like? But I got a little excited You know I thought No I might have a stalker

That's intriguing And I I don't know Well I don't know who it is And she wouldn't tell me Once she realized That I didn't know Who the fuck she was

I think she got embarrassed And was like Oh he he Never mind And I was like Tell me Could be a wrong number Possibly But I'm willing to bet That it's this woman That I flirted with On OkCupid This is funny and I was like tell me could be a wrong number possibly

but I'm willing to bet that it's this woman that I flirted with on OkCupid this is funny Mike Fonazo has a similar thing going on

like he he got a friend request from some girl after doing a show on Facebook and then a couple days later did a show on Facebook

yeah at her house her Facebook house no he was new Facebook house. New Facebook house. He was at the gym and she happened to be there while he was there.

He was like, oh man, kind of stalker. And I love that in both of your guys' situations, it could just be coincidence. You're like, these poor girls. Hey, what can I say? I don't like breaking hearts, but it's necessary. She sent a text to a wrong number. Like, here we go again.

These dizzy brats. But the thing is, I just erased a few, like, essentially three old OkCupid date numbers of my phone like yesterday. Because you got so many OkCupid sluts in there anyway. No. So, yeah. How is the love life of one Mike Moran? Terrible.

Not terrible, but completely indifferent. Nice. I thought you had a couple of ladies in the hopper there. I thought so, too. What happened? They looked up my criminal record. I thought you had a couple ladies in the hopper there I thought so too what happened they looked up my criminal record no I took the bag off

my head I don't know I just I don't know just not to I am also really not I feel like I should

probably not try to get into a relationship right now because i wanted to be doing stand-up as much as possible yeah how's that going good good yeah did you uh you went to uh dc last night i attempted to the roads and the weather were so bad yeah that uh it just getting to towson to pick up chris colletti who i was going to give a ride there was a nightmare really well not a nightmare, but it sucked. It wasn't like in one of the Freddy movies,

like that would be the way I died. It was just like a rainy... Traffic? Yeah. I'd just sit there until I'm bored and back. Freddy's just like, oh, that was easy. I didn't have to do anything. I was late, too. I was like, oh my god, I had the worst nightmare last night. It was raining. You're looking at your phone

and your GPS, it is just like a red line for traffic. A red line. Oh, yeah. I forgot you don't have a smartphone. I have GPS, though. You can read minds? It's a dumb joke.

Like ESPN. Oh, yeah. So it was so bad that and I had him look up the traffic to D.C. And he said it looked terrible. So we just went and got into it. Was there a red line? I don't know. Yeah, probably.

That's how they indicate traffic's really bad. Thin red line. No. You were watching the thin red line while I was driving. Yeah. What is the thin red line exactly? It is a war film. It takes place in Vietnam.

No, I realize it's a movie, but what does it mean? The thin blue line is like police. I would think the military would be the thin green line. Thin green. Thin red line. A petite girl's menstruation. Sounds good to me. Okay.

A little bit of a thin red line, huh? You can't get that Lost Prophets guy out of your head. You've never been attracted to a baby? No. No? No. No. Never have. Not even a little bit. Even if I was, I still wouldn't act on my impulses.

I mean, I'm attracted to other guys' girlfriends, and I don't go after them. I'm attracted to, I don't know, 20-year-olds, and I don't go after them. Really? I don't know 20 year olds And I don't go after them Really? I don't think you could do that I mean I wouldn't Make it a point to

But If something presented itself Then maybe So you're saying The girl needs to present Like out in the wild Yeah Okay

Just put her in gorge buttocks Up in the air Yeah Right Okay You know we're the only mammals That don't have like the Okay. Just put her in gorge buttocks. Yeah. Right. Okay. You know, we're the only mammals that don't have like the inflamed vaginas to indicate that it's fucking season. Like we're the only ones that have sex all the time.

I thought bonobos be fucking like crazy. Bonobos be like rubbing their balls together and stuff. But they don't be fucking each other? I don't. I mean, they don't have have gay sex if that's what you're asking. I think they do. No, the men rub their penises together and the women rub their vaginas together. But I think they be fucking. No, they don't have butts.

No animals have butt sex. I didn't say butt sex, but they be fucking. The males are not fucking the males. Not even a little like H.J.? A little B.J. actually? Yes, that's not fucking. That's a part of it. They don't. A little B.J. actually. Yes, that's not fucking. That's part of it. They don't give each other B.J.'s.

Well, what about the chicks? I bet they fool around a little, flick of the beak. They do. They do G.G. rubbing. They rub their vaginas together. Yeah. So that's tech.

I mean, that's fucking for ladies. All right. I mean, they're not breaking out like homemade strap-ons that they made in the wild. They might be. That'd be weird. Get these big stick strap-ons.

Always is a little bit of a gray area when it comes to female sex with each other. Thin red line, man. Yeah. Yeah. Huh? No, bonobos like touching each other. Yeah, but do they cum? I don't know.

I don't know. Good question. Let's find out. I listened to a whole book about bonobos years ago, but I can't know. I don't know. Good question. Let's find out. I listened to a whole book about Penovo years ago. But I can't remember. I don't think it said if they come or not. Go to the appendix. Look up come.

C-U-M. Pages 9 through 24. Nine. The ninth page. He already spit 20 pages. He gets right to it. It's only 30 pages long. The book's called The Coming Habits of Bonobos.

They be coming. Let's see. How are you doing, Josh? How am I? I am well. To circle back to New York. Right. Yeah, I was in New York, got my lady a little gift.

And yesterday morning, well, I got back from New York Sunday night, and then Monday I did a bunch of stuff around the house, like cleaning up and doing laundry and moving some stuff around and cleaning. Dope the cows. Yeah. Feed the chickens. Right. And then Tuesday, yeah, Tuesday morning I woke up and I got out of bed

and I almost like fell. I just was like, that was weird. And then I tried to walk and I just had a limp. Uh-oh. And then the inside of my leg really hurt. Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. What is that?

Sciatica. No, no. It's like what what is that and then uh i was looking it up later and i was like i was asking people at work i was like what is like i was seriously like could not i was like just walk normal i was like talking to myself like walk normal right walk normal and i couldn't and then i looked it up and i asked some people it's like what's like the inside of your leg? What is right there? People are like, I think it's your groin. I pulled my groin just walking around New York. Really? Yeah. I think I

kind of do that pretty often. It also I could think was that Simpsons clip where they do the version of the Hans Molman thing of him getting hit with the football with George C. Scott where he gets hit with the football and he's like, my groin! I just kept doing that. George C. Scott. He gets hit with the football and he's like, my groin! George C. Scott.

I'm pretty sure it's him. Did they make a Hollywood version of it at the end or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me try to find it. My groin! My groin! It's weird how the groin kind of encompasses that entire area. Yeah, and then so everybody that I was telling, like I told my dad, I was like, yeah, I think I pulled my groin.

He's like, well, you should quit pulling on it. All right. You can make masturbation jokes with your dad. Oh, yeah, of course. Do you talk openly about masturbation with your dad? Um, no. Josh, do you masturbate? Hey, Josh, you want to masturbate?

Bonobos do. It's not gay. If we don't cum. If bonobos do it, it ain't gay. That's your slogan. It ain't gay if bonobos do it. Look, Josh, I didn't get that printed up and put on the mantle because I don't believe it. I'll just be a couple bonobos and jerk off.

Who wants to play bonobo? Anybody want to come over and play bonobos? Here's George C. Scott. Okay. Star of Exorcist 3. Wake up! I love the joint noise, too. Okay, so pull the old groin.

Pull the young groin. Right. Yeah. So then what happened? Did he just go away? I was supposed to have surgery. Got a new groin Mike made out of titanium same thing they make the space shuttle out of

podcast to Josh you got a new groin podcast podcast oh oh boy gas excretion. Oh, that smells horrible.

I'll breathe through the mouth. Jesus, I am sorry. Oh, my God. Thank God I took Lamaze. You just had a big dinner one day. You're like, I need to get to a Lamaze class. Rub the tummy. Work the food, baby.

Good? I think it might have passed. I'm not taking a risk. Sometimes my farts just smell like a porter potty. What's with that? Porter potty. Porter potty. Porter potty. Porter potty.

Porter potty. Okay, so your groin healed. i think you just broke it again it's getting better today was better but yeah they said there's really nothing you can do besides just take it easy right but yeah it was very ice yeah they said you could do that but it had to be like when it first kind of happened to deal with the swelling. But no, Amanda got me some Tylenol, and we went to the grocery store, and she was making fun of me. She's like, do you want to get one of those carts? Like the motorized cart. I really kind of do.

She said our friend Charlie used to do that all the time. Really? Which I feel like is just begging the universe to fuck you over karmically, you know? It's like, oh, you think it's funny to ride in a cart, huh? Guess who's going to get in a car accident and lose their legs? You can ride in a cart all you want. You ever kind of sometimes wish you were in a wheelchair?

No. No. Yeah, me neither. I suck. You ever be looking at some stairs and be like, ugh, wish I was in a wheelchair? No, it'd be such a pain in the ass with everything. Yeah.

Like in New York, let me tell you, Mike, they got this subway system. in a wheelchair. No, it'd be such a pain in the ass with everything. Yeah. Like, in New York, let me tell you, Mike, they got this subway system. But that's all stairs, too. And, I mean, there's an elevator for a wheelchair,

but still. Right. Pain in the ass. Yeah. Yeah. Pain in the ass. And plus, I wouldn't want other people

to have to deal with my poop and stuff. That would be the worst. Like, if my mom had to, like, take care of me and, like, I think they can wipe their own butts it depends on how paralyzed you are yeah i mean if you're completely paralyzed you can't do shit oh yeah completely well no fun hey now oh or even if you're like paralyzed from the neck up you know i mean unless they like fashion something where you like blow on it and

wipe your butters i don't know i just blink over here into this machine and it wipes your putters. I don't know. I just blink over here into this machine and it wipes my tuchus. How does a colostomy bag work? Can they make it so you just never poop? I'm tired of you and these ICP songs, Mike. What? Colostomy bag. No, how do they work?

Oh, okay, right, right Yeah, you just don't poop, right? It comes straight from the intestines Cuts out the middle man Yeah, goes into the bag So then what happens to the anus? It just ceases operations? I think it's still open for business

There's just no customers No brown customers Leaves no colors for business. There's just no customers. So, no brown custom. Please, no colors. No, it's, so what?

It's, it's, get out of here, you green shits. It's not taking solids anymore, just gas. It's no longer accepting solids. Oh, that's a good question.

Yeah, does gas come out? Yeah, I guess, yeah. What about liquids? What about when you got the butt pee going? I think that goes out the bag.

Well, how does it know the difference? The bag knows, Mike. The bag knows. Well, I think either way, whatever is coming out of your butt has to be funneled through your inside tubes there. Right. So whatever it is, whether it be thick or liquidy, it's going in that bag. But then the gas would go there too. Maybe. Does

the gas go through the intestines? I think so. Yeah. Maybe it does too. You have a huge fart that just goes and blows up the bag. God damn it. Excuse me. God damn it. You're at a work meeting.

It's like, oh, no. That wasn't embarrassing enough. Oh, man. You're trying to just point to the person next to you like it didn't happen. Jesus, Barbara. Oh, excuse me. People are covered in shit. One too many breakfast burritos, huh, Dan? Blame it on the other guy.

Kills the person next to you. Like a jerk. Oh, well. They're like cleaning corn out of their eye. God, we are dumb. Or if you were just kind of like, oh, excuse me. You just tried to plate it off real quick. Anyways, what were we saying about this stock transaction?

My friend Blake, we'd be playing video games when we were, like, teenagers. He used to try to do the thing where, like, you cough to cover up your fart. So, he'd be like, oh. Like, you know, like. But we'd be sitting on the floor playing video games. Why would he care at that age? I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be funny in general.

But still, like, I think there were like parents around Or like girls or something He'd be sitting Indian style on the carpet He would do the cop and then fart And you would feel the vibration on the floor Like you're not fooling anybody What's your most embarrassing fart story? God Let me i think i recently i farted while in

my cubicle and i was just like uh uh it wasn't that embarrassing but it was one of those things like i think everybody heard it like i had i had my earbuds in you know you have those where you're like yeah this is just kind of squeak out. And it was like a little extra. It wasn't like full-on fart, but it was definitely like a little bit came out. You're like, there's no way Beats by Dre can provide that kind of bass. Beats by Farmer Dre provided that fart, huh? I probably talked about this on the podcast before,

but like maybe a year ago or so, I was standing at a table and just farted really audibly. Like all over another table. and the worst part was like is like they wouldn't let me like leave in embarrassment they like kept like doing like add-ons you know like i thought i thought it was like the end of an order so i was about to just like leave like right away yeah wait it's like wait so uh do i want fries with that? Did they know? I concluded that there was no way they couldn't have.

It was really loud. Can you give me an audio recreation of this? Sure. No, are you talking? Okay, so. You want me to talk? I'll talk. All right. So did you guys, we have milkshake over here.

You wanted, was it a Coke? All right. me to talk i'll talk all right so did you guys uh we have milkshake over here and you wanted was it a coke all right and uh so you're gonna get the captain charlie's with the pancakes and i'm not doing a fake fart come on all right do a real one it was it was that loud when i'm eating veggie shakes all the time my farts can get that cartoonish no joke no joke And sometimes they will slip out. Like, I mean, if I really need to, I can make sure I don't fart. But if I'm just walking around

and don't care that much, I can basically fart without consent. Without cerebral consent. I did not give you consent, Mr. Anus. So you're like a senior citizen with your fart control over here.

I'm getting there. Oh my god. But it feels good. No, farts feel amazing. What about the table behind you? You just farted all over the dinner. Right at him.

I'm not proud of this. I'm saying it was embarrassing. Of course it is. I am kind of proud of it, but at the time it was embarrassing. But what did they say? Nothing. You can't say, like, did you just fart on me? I would have been like, Jesus Christ.

This is like a natural reaction. Well, I don't think it was like directly right onto somebody's omelet. I remember the way I was standing. It would have farted onto the back of someone. It does the thing like in movies. When there's an earthquake, it just slides everything off the table. Like Jurassic Park. It's like trimmers.

Yeah, exactly. They're like being chased. I certainly wouldn't have eaten my meal. No. This guy just farted all over my coming. It's like trimmers. Yeah, exactly. They were being chased. I certainly wouldn't have eaten my meal. No. This guy just farted all over my eggs. It wasn't that bad. It was like if somebody farted on your back while you're eating from a foot or two away. Oh, okay. So if somebody just farted on my back. It's not like

it was mixed into their grits. I just farted audibly pretty close to them. Mike, we're making grits back here. Come lean your butt over this pot here. Fart in there, boy. Oh, man. I will tell you, that is the absolute worst when you think you're smelling some delicious food and it turns out to be someone else's fart.

What? You ever had that experience? No. Well, you will. No, I won't. I've never just like, hmm, popcorn. Is somebody making eggs inside of a dead never just like, hmm. Popcorn. Is somebody making eggs inside of a dead person?

You've never started to think that you're smelling something? I've never mistaked a fart for food. I think you're lying. Why would I lie about that? I had a friend who told me one time he thought he was smelling a crab feast. He was working outdoors. And it turned out to be the port-a-potties. be like the port-a-potties. Like the line of port-a-potties.

He can never eat crabs again. Another really bad one is like when you think you fart and you don't realize the other person has also farted and you start taking it in thinking it's your own. Like, oh, I didn't know I smelled like that today. And then they're like, oh, I farted and you start taking it in thinking it's your own oh yeah i didn't know i smelled like that today and then they're like oh i farted yeah what is that phenomenon that

your own farts don't bother you i don't know what i don't know is that like a weird like self-preservation thing that's left over like we got to make sure that like we're okay well it's probably um i mean i guess it is getting toxins out of your body, and you don't want to suck in somebody else's toxins. Yeah, but why suck in your own toxins? Very true. But at the same time, I mean, poop seems to be custom made so that we don't eat it, right? I mean, for some. Like, I mean, nature is saying, do not eat poop.

Like, it makes it look disgusting. It makes it smell disgusting. Yeah. So, I mean, there's probably a reason why farts smell, but I don't know why our own don't. Botherous, yeah. I don't know. I think it's the same reason we all look at our poop. You want to make sure?

Yeah, don't you look at people's poop? Yeah, I do sometimes. Not every time? I don't think so. Maybe. What if there's blood in it? Then I would, yes. Yeah, but how would you know?

There's never been blood in my poop. Okay, now who's lying? No, I've never had a blood in my poop. Oh, look who. What are we over here? It's not highfalutin over here. You've never peed blood? I haven't either.

You ever find blood in your semen? No, that's horrible. Me either. Moving on. Does it become like a pearly pink? There's just like a strand in there one time. So it's like a mint. Mint?

It was a little blood mint right in there. You're talking about the little candy thing? Yeah. I came in a peppermint swirl. I came a peppermint. It was a a peppermint swirl. I came a peppermint. Right. It was a wild time.

No, never. Definitely never had blood in the semen. I'll tell you that right now. I don't think it's that uncommon. Or it's not that bad if it does happen, I think. Well, keep telling yourself that. Whatever, man. I don't know.

That thin red line. I've had all sorts of other crazy shit. Like what? Like one time a popcorn kernel came out. Of your dick? Have you had a kidney stone? No. And I live in total fear. Yeah.

Apparently it's just as horrible as you would imagine it to be. Has to be. I mean, that's like some Saul shit there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that should be one. Past like some Saul shit there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That should be one of the... Past this jagged pebble. Yeah. Through one of the tiniest, most sensitive places on your body.

No, I'm not. I'm killing myself right now if it happens. Sorry. Can't they take it out? Why can't they just reach in there and take it out? The doctor's like, Mike, you have a kidney stone. No, no, no. I'm kidding.

Well, I'm sure you know. I'll get through it. One moment, please. Oh, I'm kidding Well, I'm sure you know I'll get through it One moment, please Oh, I'm sorry This is supposed to be for Michael Moron I don't know We found your husband, DUI

Alright, Mike You got anything to plug? Yes Ooh, this is actually kind of a big deal for the micster. Here we go. Next Skeptic Magazine. My thing is third build on the cover. There you go.

Nice. What's the piece? The New Satanic Panic, I believe, is the name they gave it. Okay. What's this about? It is about the satanic panic that existed in America in the 1980s that resulted in people going to jail unjustly. There was actually a panic in the 80s where people thought satanic cults were trying to take over America. Oh, yeah.

Did that kind of coincide with playing albums backwards and all that stuff? Yeah, there was a bunch of rock music. Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne were both taken to court. Yeah. And mine is kind of about how it's having somewhat of a revival on the internet right now. Mostly among YouTube videos and conspiracy theories. What do you mean? They're saying Satan's trying to take over America?

Yeah, I mean, if you look it up... Your favorite 80s supervillain, the devil is back. Yeah, it's always like... I mean, there's a million different theories going... Every video you watch is different. Some say there's a satanic Illuminati taking over the world. Uh-huh. You know, they'll point at all these weird things, like evidence that different celebrities are Satanists. Uh-huh.

So it's just... Okay. Well, there you go. Fucking A, man. Congrats. So people can see that at what? Skeptoid.com? No, no, no.

This is Skeptic Magazine. Skeptic Magazine. Skeptic Magazine. Skeptic Magazine. Sorry. Skeptic Magazine. You can find it at Atomic Books. You got a new septic tank? Is that what you said over there?

Septic Magazine. Third build. Number one. Number two podcast. Atomic Books. You can find it at Atomic Books. Sorry. Barnes & Noble and other places where Atomic Books. Sorry. Barnes & Noble and other places where magazines are sold.

Oh. Yes, sir. There you go. Published author. I'm pretty sure I plugged the podcast in it, too. Oh, nice. In the bio. Yeah, the little blurb about you.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking A. That's great, man. All right, all right. And then I got a bunch of shows next week and we're on the same show on Friday December 6th at Meadow Mill

we're doing the improv stand up mash up show excellent which should be a lot of fun it's gonna be three troops three comedians and three improv troops are going to

be paired up with a comedian and so a comedian will go up for like five to seven minutes, do their act, and then the troupe will improvise using the comedian's act as their input. And it's a super fun show.

Always a great time. Kind of a bummer that we're going to have to get started a little late. I think the show's not going to start until 10. Really? Yeah, because we're splitting that theater with the Mob Town players. I think they're doing like a reading or like a read-through that night. How to be a Mob Town players. I think they're doing a reading or a read-through that night. How to be a Mob Town player. That jams how to be a Mob Town player.

Yeah, so that's going to be happening. Bill Bellamy is going to be there. And yeah, so that'll be at 9.30. But yeah, I have a bunch of shows coming up next week. I think Bel-Air on the 4th, the Draft House on the 5th, and the 6th, like I said, at the Mob Town over there. The Mob Towns. Oh, and then, sorry, this Saturday, November 30th, I have a show at Mob Town as well.

So, yeah, I think that's Improv Show at 8 o'clock. Come on out to that. As always, go to digressionsessions.com slash calendar for all the upcoming dates and all of our shows and all that stuff. And let's see. Follow us on Twitter. I'm at BetterRobotJosh. Mike? At MichaelMoran10.

At MichaelMoran10. Look at that. We got some musings. We got some tweets, some funny stuff, some one-liners. Like, for instance, today I tweeted, who wants to contribute to my fire starter? This prodigy documentary is not going to film itself. Zero favorites, zero retweets.

So follow me, everybody. You get some gold like that. And the podcast is at DigSeshPod. If you have the time, give us a rating or write a review on iTunes. We really appreciate that. Could be one star. I don't give a fuck. Tell us what you think. Have fun.

Have fun. I don't give a fuck. Two thumbs down. I don't care. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Gene Siskel. Yeah, I'm leaving that in.

Whatever, Gene Siskel. The Josh Katerna story. It's just me. It's never explained throughout the entire thing. Whatever. Until the very last page. So then I said, whatever, Gene Siskel. My mom said, no, I'm your mother. I said, whatever, Gene Siskel. My mom said, no,

I'm your mother. I said, whatever, Gene Siskel. Then I left. What the hell is going on here? I was just going to try to hold silence there as long as possible. Oh, man. I just got really sleepy. That was not good not good yeah as always

yeah if you like this show please tell a friend give us a rating and come see us live at digressions god damn it come see us live and you can see all of our live dates

at digressionsessions.com slash calendar and as always if you like somebody, tell somebody. Tell somebody. All right, guys. Thanks, everybody. I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. It's better with butter. It's better meta. All right, so you pulled your girl. Wow. Oh, this is going to be a nightmare to edit. it um uh what is it uh bridget was uh on the way up to new york um she was listening to uh the hunger games and uh i thought she downloaded a book on tape but apparently it's just some person reading the book and they recorded the audio or something yeah oh that's brilliant but

it's not like a picture. It's just like a blank screen and like somebody just reading it. That's awesome. We were joking about like what if it was just somebody and they like broke out

in a conversation like while they're reading the book like their roommate or somebody comes up and their Katniss was in the middle. No.

I don't want that. The stadium was full. No. I don't want that. The stadium was full. No. Bro. That'd be funny. It's better with butter. It's better better. All right, so you pulled your groin.

Oh. Oh, this is going to be a nightmare. I got 50 Bentleys in the West Indies. It doesn't matter. I got a pocket full of cheese and a garden full of trees. It doesn't matter. Oh, this is going to be a nightmare, man.