The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 10 - The Jackson Cheese

Episode Date: June 30, 2014

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds discuss badass President Andew Jackson.Tour DatesSources Dollop MerchPatreon

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Why is that even funny? What? And... And we are podcasting. Yeah. Good start. Thank you. Right? It's really good. I feel like it. Just getting here. There might be some noise in the background on this one because we got a contractor here. Yep. Digging up the entire bottom of the house and moving a water heater and all kinds of stuff. And and then cleaners are gonna come. Oh good. Not the people that clean your house. The people who take care of dead bodies. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And then you have a parade and 45. We're gonna have a parade in 45 minutes for the World Cup. Actually, oddly for South Korea. Bad call. Again, planning. You planned oddly. Well,

there's a lot of Koreans that live in the neighborhood. Still, you're not a Korean. And I thought, let's have a parade for your shitty team. I mean, your heart's in the wrong place. So they're just gonna cruise to the backyard. Okay. And that's somewhat 45-50. 45 minutes. All right. So we should probably get moving. I mean, want to apologize to people for last week's show the last two minutes because Gary, Gary Reynolds. My name is Gareth. What Gary did when he stepped on the control. There's one dial. There's one thing that you can turn. I know. In this whole setup. There's other things I could do. And you turned it up to 900. You just smashed a parrier.

I'm not I'm not bringing that up. I did just smash a parrier. But now I don't even get to be close to the dial. Now the dial is really, really far. Now you've been moved away from the dial. Yeah. And with good reason. Yeah. Look, I apologize. I'm going to go to Rutgers Island. Okay, another thing. You know, when you're talking for an hour, sometimes you might forget the name of shit. We don't need people fucking in the toilet. Yeah, we just couldn't remember the name. It wasn't like we didn't know what it was. You know, a couple weeks ago, I had a guy on Twitter go, I really like all your podcasts, your stamp stuff, but you're

fucking more when it comes to science. You're an unnecessary tool. Like just don't listen. Like what are you doing? Thank you. Okay, keep buying my stuff. Thanks. So I just picture him listening to me and getting angry about science. He's so stupid, but so funny. But he's such a fucking moron with science. And I guarantee you the guys probably a climate change denier. All right. So he's a scientist. So this week, I picked someone famous. Okay, somewhat. I mean, Australians probably won't know him, but he's famous to Americans in that he's an ex-president. Okay. Alrighty. I think he's the, well, there's two badass ex-presidents.

Okay. Do you know who they are? Well, the vampire hunting. He had something to do with slavery too, memory. Did you see that movie? No, I didn't. Oh my God. Awful. Yeah. Oh my God. Like you can't even believe that it's a movie. It's just... Well, you would think that with all the things that, like, I just love how they, you are, it's okay to make an ex-president such a bitch. Like a founding father over here now. They make them, like they just, you can do whatever you want. Yeah. We could dig up George Washington and like make him a puppet for a day and people would be like, that was great. Sounds disrespectful. Teddy Roosevelt. Oh yeah, Teddy Roosevelt. He was

a badass. He was a badass. And then the other one. I would try to remember the name of the Freedom Fighters, but I don't want to fuck it up and have Twitter blow up on me. I know. Now we have to censor what we say. I've been raped. Do you, are you guys happy? You've heard us. Andrew Jackson. Yeah, okay. It was a crazy fucking badass. Right. The American public knew him as Old Hickory? Not, not all the public, because that's news to me. Because for some people say it was, he was tough as Hickory on a battlefield. We'll get to more wise name later. But okay, we'll say the bad things first because if there's anyone who has any American Indian

heritage, they're going, what? Uh-huh. Because it's like, it's like being, what about Hitler? He was a badass. It's kind of like that. So as far as the war with the American Indian, he would be their Hitler. He did the Trail of Tears. He's the one who marched him across, you know, all the way to Oklahoma, thousands died. He's that gentleman. So if we take that one part, but that is also a badass thing to do, I guess. You can, there's two sides to it, I guess. Okay. Which I think is badass-y. Okay, so we have a growling dog now. Hey. Hey. Okay, so he, he joined the army at the age of 12. Holy shit. Yeah. All right. That's fighting when they were

fighting against the British. Hey, I'd like to help you guys. Not until you get a little hair on your stuffs. No, look, I glued some on this morning. Let's go get it. I know. That was an age where you just, you, I just, any age you show up, you're like seven, you're like, Hey man, can I be a part of this? Okay. There's a three-year-old that's fighting. Get him a gun. Okay, get my gun. Let's get him out there. So he was like a messenger guy. Okay. He was captured and taken prisoners by the Brits. He was the only, he's the only US president who was a POW. Wow. At 12. Yeah. At 12. 12. He's a, you're like, Oh, look at you. Could I have some more, sir? And then one day some

British general ordered him to spit shine his shoes. My guess is that didn't go over well. And a young 12 year old Andrew, Andrew Jackson said, go fuck yourself. And the British guy was so pissed that he slashed his face leaving scars. Oh shit. Okay. But now you've got, so we're starting out creating a badass. Yeah. Scars. Yeah. Like first thing you need a couple of scars. At 12. Check. Right? Yeah. He was, so then years later he kept moving up in the army and became a general. Okay. Became a general and he was in charge during the greatest victory in the, in the Revolutionary War at New Orleans. That was when the, the Battle for Beads. Battle for Beads. Right. Correct. Got it. It was the, and then whoever

got the most beads got to see the most titties. Got to see the most titties. Yeah. That was that's 1812. I thought that's where it came from. It's that this is, this is in the Revolution where this is the war 1812. So he, is that okay with your science? So he didn't have enough guys when he got sent down there. He was like, we don't have enough dudes because the British had like twice as many guys coming in. So he just started getting everybody around and he talked pirates into fighting on the side of the pirates. Yeah. All right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You make a good point. You're going to take your gold. All right. Fine. Yeah. All right. We'll fight with you. I just can't imagine talking. Oh yeah. The cold

approach to pirates. There's butterflies. Okay. How old is he? 14 at this point? Okay. 17 and a half general. Excuse me. Pirates. Sorry. We'd like you to join forces with us to fight the British. Why is that? You little son of a bitch. Well, we're greatly our man sir. Sorry. It's a nervous. You know, he went in. He was like, what the hell? I don't know how he was probably like 30 at this point. You just like, Hey, you fucking cunts, get off your god damn boat and do something with your fucking life. That's what you got to do. You can't. Yeah. You got to go out. Pirate the pirate. That's right. You got to pirate the pirate. Yeah. You can't just go in and like, hi pirates. I have a

recommendation. I represent a battle that's coming up soon. Love to get you guys involved and I'd love to book you guys for it. Love that all I patch thing. That's gorgeous. And plus he had the sea of the scars. Yeah. So like, I look at you. You know, I've got a pirate. I've got a I've got a pirate. But you've got the scar on your face. I've got food coming out of my mouth. Yes, that's right. Mouth and cheeks. Now listen, gentlemen, anybody who's got a big leg or a scar on his face, it's an honorary. Come with us, Jackson. honorary pirate. Come with us. So he ends up defeating the British with half the men and totally out of supplies. Found out later that the peace had been declared two weeks

before. Whoa. But he didn't get the word. So he fought the best most useless battle in the war. Yeah. One. Did you imagine the pirates are like, I sorry, what did you? We actually are getting some texts here. Wait a minute. Actually, this thing's been over for a while. Did you know that AJ? Oh, sorry about all the dead and whatnot. We did it. We did it. We did it. We weren't supposed to. We didn't have to do that. We didn't have to do that. Can anybody have, here's the idea, jumped on a fucking horse. Anyone want to fucking put a note on a goddamn pigeon? Right? Something or a raven like Game of Thrones. Anything. We're apparently in Game of Thrones. Every, every correspondence is done with a

raven. You got to. It's a lot of dependency. How do we know where the fuck to go? That's the thing, right? I mean, eventually, like you're talking, you think like you get pissed when you get an email in your spam box that you really wanted in your inbox. I mean, there were times when you depended on a fucking bird's toe to get to you. Then a raven comes in. There's a sail at the gap. God damn, what am I spam? Good Lord. Fucking spam ravens. Spam ravens. When Jackson received an order to disband his troops immediately after, he refused to just cast his volunteers adrift and send them on their way home alone and pledged with his own money to finance the supplies needed to get their trip back to Tennessee.

Wow. He gave up his horses for the sick and walked aside his men, encouraging them when needed and disciplining them when necessary. And his determination combined with his willingness to suffer alongside his men causes men to call him Old Hickory. Now, I don't know how those two things go together. I think the original one of Old Hickory that he was tough as Old Hickory on the battlefield makes more sense than he was like a caring dad. Let's just say he smoked a pipe. Let's just say he smoked a hickory pipe. So anyway, he was a badass, but also like took care. Like he's like a leader. That's what a leader is. He's a good parent. He's a very good dad. Oh, also the Creek Indians

had a different nickname for him. They called him Sharp Knife. So if you're on the other side, it's a little bit different. You mean Old Hickory? Oh, no, no, Sharp Knife, Sharp Knife. It's just Old Hickory. Oh, my eye. Sharp Knife, Sharp Knife. He had a temper. Sharp Knife? Yeah, Sharp Knife had a temper. He was known for sudden flashes of rage. The best kind. And always calling for a duel. So he was the dude who all like you'd be like, Hey, man, you stepped on my foot. Let's do it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, never mind. Just make sure we're dueling. No, no, no, dueling it new. No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to duel. I don't want to. God damn it. You're in. It's sad.

He was like, he's like one of those guys in prison who are like, you got to respect me, motherfucker. Yeah, right away. Disrespect me. Did you disrespect me? No, I was just going to the, all right, bitch, I'm going to fuck you up. No. This is this is like when I read this, I was like, okay, he had 103 duels in his lifetime. Jesus Christ. I mean, that's a lot. That's insane. That's a lot. That's everybody. That's like half the people he met. I mean, really, that's just like, that's every other day dueling. That's like a once a week duel. No, he's like crazy. What? That is close. Okay. That's 103. I'd rather duel just pay the goddamn bar tab, Andrew. I'd rather duel. I think we're going to enter

please. No. He looked at me funny. We're dueling. He has one eye. I don't like the one. We're dueling. Cock clop ace. What'd you call it? Cock clop ace. Hey, tell him that Cyclops. Yeah, I read it. Got mad at it. I read I dueled it. I dueled the word. Last night I dueled a tree. That's it. You think it's Cyclops duel? It's just it's just baiting you into duels. All he does. You mean cock clop ace? This is a fine meal. What do you mean by that? Fine meal. Where's me live ahead? I'll see you out for tomorrow at noon. All right, so here's the reason he dueled a lot. He had a he had a woman that he met that he's in love with who you want to marry. And then she thought she'd been divorced. But it turns

out her ex husband like had done something and so they weren't divorced. So he was banging a lady who was married. But they were in love. So he wasn't gonna like walk away from that shit. Yeah. So everybody knew about it. And the guy wouldn't let her get a divorce. And he was calling her, you know, that's my wife. Time to take out the trash. So so for years, he wasn't married to her, but he was banging her like they were like yeah, they were like living together. And and so everyone was calling her a whore. So so the town's people can be so cruel. So you've got all these crazy assholes calling her a whore and everyone is like, All right, let's do it. Just dropping the gloves. Let's shoot. Like, so he's just killing people

all over town. And everyone's like, No, I got this one. I got this one. Why wouldn't he just she's a whore? Oh, here we go. That's it. Why wouldn't he just do all the ex husband? Well, that would make more sense with it. I mean, that's the first dual you bark for I say. Yeah. Apparently, no, he dueled everybody. Yeah. And he was like, No, I'm not going to the root. I'm dealing with the symptoms. Now, let's duel. So he was she and the thing is, is she told me when they met that she was divorced. So he thought he was getting into something fine. But then he should duel her. And then he loved the broad. He's like, Here we go. Oh, you know, many people don't have to shoot. Oh, boy, my heart's a duel in itself

right now. And then there were a lot of people who in tennis is in Tennessee. So a lot of people want we were like, calling her a whore everywhere, especially because like on the people are from who supported his opponents, yeah, would all be like, he's married to a whore. And like, not not like just his face, but like in like newspapers and books. And then he man loves whore extra extra man loves whore. Okay, I got to kill the guy. And I got to kill the news boy. So so one guy, the most famous dual is with Charles D. Dickinson, okay, who was a newspaper man who wrote an article about Jackson's whore wife during an election more on 68. So but Dickinson was considered like an awesome shot. Okay.

And Andrew Jackson wasn't that good of a shot. He sort of had he sort of went with the more thinking man's game plan of dueling. Okay, so like there's two kinds of dueling. And this I'll tell you his funny because I only know of one. Okay, I'll tell you his kind of dueling. This is why he's such a badass. Jackson thought it'd be best to let Dickinson turn and fire first, hoping that since he was he would be so quick and sort of flustered trying to get the shout out first that he would miss. And well, there's another way that could go. Yeah. But his plan was that he would then this and then in a duel you get one shot each. So then the second guy, it's like, buddy, second guy can be like,

can you lead a little bit to the left? No, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Jackson, old Hickory, old Hickory, please. So the second guy could take as much fucking time as he wanted. By the way, now what was that about my whore wife, stupidest thing ever? Yeah, I don't know who thought this up, but they were morons. I mean, I would totally be the guy who fired the shot and was like, Oh, damn it. I'm going to die. So sure enough, Dickinson turned and shot and hit Jackson right in the chest. All right, didn't kill him, though. So if he's not dead, he gets to fire the next shot. Because rules rules, you gotta have dual rules. So then he carefully and slowly and shot him in the throat where the talking part happens. No, no, wait.

Can you move when you can? I guess you're supposed to stand perfectly still. You can't bob him. We have a little you should be able to be able to shimmy. No, it should be it should be like basketball rules like traveling. Like you can have a pivot foot, like you have your pivot foot and you can kind of pivot out a little like move a little. He's pivoting too much. Is he not? I didn't see him lift that toe up, sir. Could you imagine he slowly do it? All these guys sitting around going, Oh, come on, Andy. Andy, come on. Andy's not moving. Just get it over with, Andy. Come on, Andy. Shoot me where you must. Andy just grazed him or something. Gentlemen, he shot me in the chest. I have a hole in my chest. I'll need you to get

a paramedic or whatever we have in this day and age. I'm about to shoot a man's throat. So so he shot him in the throat and killed him instantly because apparently a throat can't handle a musket ball. That's a kill shot. A chest can. Okay. Yeah. She killed him on the spot. Okay, so he's a no shit fucking killer. Steely. He's like he's like a steely eyed. So what? He just goes against a beer and drinks it and then it shoots out of his chest after like a cartoon. He's like a Kleeney Swood guy now, right? I mean, yeah. There's another check, a scar check, a Kleeney Swood check. They're getting shot in the chest and having like the calmness to be like your throat, please. You guys want to get a beer? What do you want to do?

Do me a favor, go to the bar or to me a beer. I'll be there after I shoot this guy's throat. Old Hicker, I know. Okay, so in the gentleman who observed and the gentleman of Tennessee were outraged by that he did that. Like in their eyes, it should have been like, well, you can't make them, they were all like, you can't make him just sit still and shoot him. Oh, they pictured, they pictured just you both fire at the same exact. Yeah, you're supposed to bow and he had a whole different game plan. Well, that's not how we do. You don't know the rules to murder? Play fair. So he then got a reputation as a brutal, cold-blooded killer and lost a lot of friends in his reputation. And he was known as a violent, vengeful man. So in Tennessee,

he became kind of a social outcast. Okay, I like it. But he don't give no shit. Yeah, he ran out of shits to give. So the shot that hit him in the dual ended up close to his heart. And so it couldn't be removed. Much like that whore. Much like that whore. We're going to put that in his Wikipedia page. Much like his whore wife. Much like that whore wife I his. Then he comes back from the dead. You said what? You fired too early. Oh, God. So they thought if they took it out of the puncture as they ordered and kill him. And so he had that at him. But they used to say about him that he had so many bullets in him from all the duels that he sounded like a bag of marbles. Like he was just

full of bullets. That's a better name than old Hickory. Here comes bag of marbles. Chink-a-chink-a-chink-a-chink-a. Chink-a-chink-a-chink-a. Here comes Jackson. He's jogging. And sometimes because of the one that was close to his heart and close to his lungs, he would just start coughing up blood. So the rest of his life, he would sometimes just start coughing up blood. Which have been great in like a presidential meeting. Hold on. Or a debate. My appointment. Excuse me. Pardon me. Give me my kerchief. Got shot once. So he's a blood cough roper. And it's another check of bad ass. Bad ass. Face scars. Willing to cough up blood whenever. So he was involved in two very nasty presidential

campaigns against John Quincy Adams. In 1924, he lost the race to him. But in 1928, he won the race. And that wasn't even dirtier one. And all the dirt was about his wife. So it was just dudes calling his wife a whore in print and then he was shooting them. Like that was the presidential campaign. And how do you not want that now? I would absolutely vote for the guy who's killing people for calling his wife a whore. Could you imagine? Or what if like Hillary is running and everyone's calling Bill a whore and she just keeps killing people? I'm down for this. This is a better way to have politics go. Oh my God, so much better. Instead now they're like, she walked down the stairs, finally she dropped a poll point.

So by the time he was elected president, he had this huge popular following. Because he's a fucking, how could he not? Old bag of marbles? Old bag of marbles. Yeah. So and it was like this big turning tide in like politics. The first, the 1924 election was the first election where someone won the popular vote but lost the election. The Bush. The Bushy Gore. Yeah. So he's like the guy, he's like Obama compared to Bush. Yeah. Where everyone was like, fuck this guy. Well, I'm glad we held on to the Electoral College. I mean, clearly it wasn't a problem. There's never been an issue. So he gets elected in 1928. His wife dies two months before he takes office. The whore? The whore dies what he believed from stress.

There's a lot of people you got to kill to get rid of that stress. I mean, they said, he said that she had a pain starting on her left side and going down her arm. So what we know now that's known as a heart attack. Oh yeah. Either one. Some, some, some version of not enough oxygen going to her. But he blamed John Quincy Adams for that. Never got to kill him, but blame him. So he's 61 and he gives his inaugural address. 61 back then. 61. Yeah, that's all right. Especially you're getting shot 500 times. To elect, like right now you like some of 71 and they weren't coughing up blood and having duels with people. Yeah, you be like, yeah, a little up there. Yeah. If McCain was coughing up blood, you'd be

like, he should not get, he should be out. Yeah. And I wouldn't be surprised if McCain is coughing up blood. He's coughing up blood for sure. And has been doing so for 50 years. For a long time, yeah. So, so he gives up his address and he says he's going to do his best to help the people. I'm sure he said something about killing dudes to talk shit about as lady. Nobody call that goddamn dead wife of murder whore. Otherwise he'll die. Sorry, I'll stay focused. But this is so great. And then he gets on his horse and he rides through the crowd to the White House. They're like, come on, we got a stagecoach over here for you. Fuck that. Is that where you get off your high horse? I'm going straight through these

motherfuckers. Okay. You sure you don't? We can just get you right over here. I know. Fuck no. Fuck no. I mean, later on, he gets a guy comes up to him in, I think it's North Carolina and tries to shoot him. It's an out of work like painter pulls out a pistol, puts it in his chest, clicks, nothing happens, drops that pistol, pulls out another one, puts it to his chest, shoots again, nothing. And then Andrew Jackson beats the shit at him with his cane. Wow, beats the shit out of it with his cane. I mean, yeah, the guy, the idiot who came up with two unloaded guns. I mean, he needs a beating. The second the second one goes click, you're like, wow, fuck, I really am an idiot. I'm sure Jackson was yelling,

my cane's always loaded, motherfucker. Okay, so so he rides through the crowd on the on the horse. So there's another one riding riding through the horse is another check to the White House. Here we go to the White House. Okay. Now back then on an inauguration day, the White House had an open door policy. Wow. Up until this they had an open door policy. But the reason they did was because the presidents weren't that popular. So people so like the the big riches of the day would walk away. Congratulations. And then they shake hands. Would you like some tea? Yeah. So Jackson was the first do whatever was like all the fucking yachts from NASCAR came out and they're like, let's have a party in the White House. Now

Mr. Jackson, I want to tell you a couple of things, man. Me and my wife, man, we're so excited for you, man. Also, my wife is pissing in the bush over there. Sorry about that. Hey, hey, you ever hunt a crawfish with your hands? Let me ask you this. You ever eaten your own puke when you got no food? Hey, man, I just want to say it's an honor, man. You know what punched me in the face? Punch me in the face, man. Come on, Eddie, punch me in the face. Come on, man. Come on, I'm super drunk. I want to even feel it. Come on, man. I'm sorry. I got so wasted at this White House party, man. I'm just such a big fan of you, man. Hey, man, I ate your fish. The fish tank over there. I ate them. I was hungry. I didn't

see none of the little pork things you had around before. Anyway, man, I'm gonna scoot across the carpet real quick, man. You see my shorts. So this means that any filthy hobo off the street just came rolling up because they were happy he was president. Mr. President. So so it was unlike previous presidents, it was a fucking madhouse. People fucking hanging off the chandeliers like people, people like literally people standing on the furniture, people fucking everywhere. And there are like buckets of whiskey punch around because they had to provide they had to. Yeah, they had to like it was like an open house. So you got a East Coast rules open house, you got to provide for the people. So they all had

like it was booze everywhere. So there just sounds like King Ralph, but the White House or weird science. So the party's on and he and then I was getting a little too crazy for him. He's like, All right, let's head. Let's head to another place in that. But there's people fucking everywhere. So he ends up and the first people to arrive were all the Washington society people like hello, Mr. And then and then the crowd rolls up and they're like, Oh, my God, you know, the dead ones are here butler who'd been there forever. Who is like my word? We're going to get the butler. Oh, yes, we are. So Jackson's people were like, We got to get you the fuck out of here. This is too great because it's turning into a fucking

animal house party. And so, you know, because at first it's like fancy people kind of then all of a sudden it's dudes in sheets with shoes made out of rubber. Yeah, it's just a fucking whole different deal. So they they take him out a window in the back of the White House to get him the fuck out of there. It's amazing that the White House used to be like this. Isn't that fucking amazing? Yeah. And inauguration day you up until this time you could just roll up and be like, Hey, man, I want to shake your hand. Hey, fuck you, later. Just do that. That'd be great. He was the first guy who that the guy who tried to shoot him was the first time a president had ever really tried to assassinate one. Yeah. And that was an

English dude who tried to kill him. So think about that. I'm sorry. Are you? No. So Jackson left and went to his hotel and to on Michael Gwista, the White House butler, OTMG, then was like, we got to get these motherfuckers out of here. So they took all the buckets of whiskey and put punch and put them on the lawn. Here, guys. Here, boy. Here, guys. Dog. Here, guys. Right here on the lawn, guys. You see whiskey punch, guys? Go get it. Go get it. That went outside. Whiskey punch. So that's how they got him all out of the house. Now, Margaret Bayard Smith, who was a Washington society figure wrote this. What a scene we did witness. The majesty of the people had disappeared in a rabble mob of

boys, Negroes, women and children scrambling, fighting, romping. What a petty. No arrangements had been made. No police officer placed on duty. And the whole house had been unendated by the rabble mob. Not one cop. Not one. It's just fucking chaos. It's like, dad's gone for the weekend and the kids are partying. That's the White House. Amazing. I think Sinbad made a movie about living in the White House and I think it was this. So Jackson then went on to win the next election. He did a whole bunch of stuff that led a lot of fighting with the banks. Was there another inaugurational ball? Well, I'm going to tell you the next greatest thing. I don't think he had a next inaugurational ball. I think that was the

last one where they were like, well, that didn't go well. Let's build a fence. What do you mean? We're just thinking about the lessons we've learned. Maybe the common man shouldn't be able to walk into the White House and say, fuck you to the president when he wants to. Because you imagine if you could, like that's all Obama's day would be. Fuck you. Thank you. Fuck you. I know you're from Kenya. You piece of shit. Can I keep this napkin? Show me that birth certificate asshole. Also, I think it's cool what you did for the BCS. And that's job on that one. That's cool. I'm not lying. Even though you're black. You're black. Okay. 1835. Jump a little bit forward. Okay. Because I don't give a shit

about the rest of his blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Well, he's president. He fights in the Indian's presidential ship. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. New York State is prospering. The state of New York is kicking ass because they had opened up the Erie Canal 10 years before. And so all this trades coming through and it's helping the whole state. And it's fucking awesome up in that shit, isn't it? All right. Is that what they were saying? Yep. They were so ahead of their time. And so Colonel Thomas S. Meacham of Sandy Creek, York. Sure. Who's a dairy farmer. Sure. Wanted to show the president and others just how awesome the great state of New York was. Okay. I like where we're headed. I do. I got a good

feeling about this one. You know, this, you know, this podcast takes a left turn sometimes. Yeah. I feel like we're in something. You just opened a canal to a new story. So he thought, why not send some cheese? Okay. It's called local pride, man. Sure. Yeah. You make cheese. Send them send the president some cheese. You go, this is what we're doing up here. Hey, man, this is cheese. What you're doing down there in Washington. We're making fucking cheese. Hey, you making cheese there? No way. No, you are cheese like this. This is the cheese. New York cheddar. Come get the New York cheddar, Mr. President. I don't know who they are. These people, he made a cheese wheel that was four feet in diameter. Oh my

God. And two feet thick. Jesus Christ and weighed 1400 pounds. Wow. 1400 pounds. If you're, if you're from another country, that's 6.635 kilograms. That's 100 stone notes. It's a lot of stone. It's a thousand stone. It's a lot of stone. Is it a thousand stone? Wait, 1400? Yeah, it's a thousand stone. Yeah, a thousand stone that is. There you go. Well, so I like that English people still use stones. Every time I go there, I'm like, I know. They're all like, what's with your antiquated system? Okay, stone. Yeah. How many pebbles do you want to eat of food? That's a lot of fucking cheese. That's a shit load of cheese. Okay. I love, I can't wait. Now, if it had been Jackson making the cheese, he would have made

three of those and put on a fucking stagecoach and driven that shit. Yeah, he would have been like, and when we get hungry, we can eat the tires. Pull over, driver. I'm gonna have a bite of one of the tires. All right, old bag of marbles. December 10th, 1835, the New Hampshire, New Hampshire Sentinel. Mammoth cheese. Mr. T. S. Mitchum exhibited in this city on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, a cheese weighing 1400 pounds made from the milk of 150 cows for four days at his dairy in Sandy Creek, Oswalgo County. It bore the following inscription to Andrew Jackson, President of the United States. I just love that. Engraved in cheese. Engraved in cheese. He just, first of all, he got 150 cows over

four days. Yeah. So great use of your time. Yeah. He made a big thing of cheese and then he was like, hold on a minute. Yeah. The cows are like, can we get some water? No. No, keep milking. The president needs to have this big cheese. We've got to let him know what's happening here. He also exhibited a national belt presented a fine bust of the president. Okay. A bust of the president. Yes. Out of cheese. Of cheese on his belt. No, bust. I thought you said on his belt. No, no, no, a bust like a little statue. He made a cheese statue of the president. This guy. He survived in Wisconsin. And that was surrounded by a chain of 24 states united and linked together. The belt is intended for a wrapper to the

mammoth cheese when presented to the president. So he made this big belt to wrap around the cheese. And on it, it said the union, it must be preserved. Very persuasive. So he went full cheese. Very persuasive. Like, at what point are you, at what point when you're making this thing and putting the belt on, are you going, is this too much? I mean, imagine the people like, like his wife was probably there, just like, my gosh. So how big do you think it needs to be that big? Of course it might need to be bigger, honey. God, it's for the president. And now to put a very serious inscription on this huge ball of old milk. And then for centuries, the Americans will point at it and go, it says it must be united.

The cheese will lead the people, my dear. The union should be preserved much like the cheese. Hey, should we get, uh, should we get, uh, meet them out of here? No, I'll stay. I love them. Have a quite a good time. If you throw me out, you throw out the cheese. And the cheese is patriotic. Jesus Christ, he's fucking the cheese. Get off of there, meet them. Patriotic cheese, patriotic cheese. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who gets me 1400-pow block of cheese. Meet them? Uh, yes, hello. I did nothing with the cheese. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Don't turn that light on. Don't light that light. It wasn't the only cheese wheel. The cheese is actually the biggest wheel of

a larger collection of 10 cheeses that appeared at the 1835 patriotic celebration in Oswego, New York. So other dudes. Oh my God. It wasn't just him. It was like they had a town meeting and they went, how can we show those big wigs down in Washington what we're made of? And some of them went, well, we do make cheese. Oh, Larry. Yes. We'll only make cheese from now on and send it to Washington. Everybody for it. Milk your cows. Yay. Everyone for it. Of course we are. Any questions? Good. I didn't think so. Okay. Meacham also himself made five other cheeses, cheese wheels, each about half the size of the presidential cheese. So he had five other 700-pound cheese wheels. You know, in these smaller ones, I just keep

around for company. This is for Bridget. So this guy is obviously completely insane. He's out of his mind and got a lot of cheese. So the other cheeses were intended for Martin Van Buren, a New Yorker who is serving as vice president. You helped us with this. William Marcy, the governor of New York, Daniel Webster, the famous order and politician, the U.S. Congress. The whole congressional body gets one and then there's another one for Martin Van Buren. Martin Van Buren's like, well, I probably can't finish it if Congress can. Oh, you'll eat it. I don't think. Oh, you're going to eat it. You're hurting my hand. Oh, and also the state legislature, the legislator of the state of New York. So after all the

locals up in Swigga, I think it's called, got a good look at the cheese and felt themselves just well with national pride. Wow. We did this as a nation. Holy shit. Then the cheese went on a tour. Oh my. What the fuck? You've seen him in Washington, D.C., ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the big block of cheese. So he transported the cheese with great flair, which that's what it said. Think how hard it is to lug 1400. How else do you transport it without great flair? It's fucking. Yeah, I mean, really, six things of giant cheese. What are you going to do? Anybody around is like, Oh, remember when they took the space shuttle? Yeah. LA on the streets. It's that. Yeah. It's totally that. Oh my

God. Look at it. Honey, come outside. Quick the cheese. What you should do in this case is you should do it in the dark and night. Oh yeah. Well, yeah, this should never have happened. You should have been killed in the dark and night. The second he was like, get 150 cattle together. We're going to milk him for four days straight. For national pride, dummy. No, I wasn't hit on the head. Why do you? I mean, I've fallen a number of times. Why? Through some towns, the cheese was paraded on a wagon decorated with flags. So fucking crazy. US. Hey, it's like money. Yeah, totally. Yeah. In New York, when they arrived in New York City, the cheeses were displayed to curious crowds at the Masonic Hall. Oh my God. Daniel

Webster happened to be passing through the city and he cheerfully accepted his great cheese for me. Now he's passing through. Yeah. Now, you know, when you go on a gig and someone gives you something, you're like, how the fuck can I put this in my suit? Oh, it's a, I don't know. Is this a barometer? Yeah. Yeah. That's great. I'm going to put this in my suitcase. You just have it on your lap for the whole flight like a crazy man. Okay. So this guy got a 700 pound wheel of cheese was like, thanks man. Perfect. I guess I'll just, you know, in this day and age without cars, this is fucking awesome. Let me think of what I say. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to invent the engine. This is

perfect. I was just thinking, how can I complicate everything? That's great. My wife's going to be happy too. She's been complaining that I don't have 700 pounds of any food in the house. So this is nice to go home with. By the way, I live very far from here. And this is 700 pounds of something that's not buoyant. Oh, thank God it's really heavy. That's terrific. Oh, good. Oh, it's kind of smelling a little funky. It's a good footy cheese. That's good. The White House cheese was then put on a schooner. The White House cheese was then put on a schooner and shipped to Washington. So they put the fucker on a boat. Oh my God. In New York Harbor and they shipped it to Washington. The cheese was presented to President Andrew Jackson on

New Year's Day, 1836. And someone finished it a month and a half ago. Sir, yes, there is, at the door, there's a wheel of cheese. Excuse me. There's a wheel of cheese, sir. I'm not sure I follow. Sir? Yes, outside of the room. A citizen has brought you a wheel of cheese. Good evening, Mr. President. I bring to you, remember your New Year's resolution, to eat a pound of cheese every day. Well, let me kick you off. About 140 days. About 140 days? No, no, sorry, 1400 days. Whatever it is. I can't count. You'll be dying. I'm so cheese delirious. I've lost the ability to do math. You will not be having any movements. So he accepted the cheese and issued a letter of thanks. Because what else are you going

to do? Because everyone's like, well, he made that cheese. They don't write letters and fuck you. And he's already probably heard about it coming down with all the fans there. And he's like, Jesus, what's happening? So he knew about it. And they were like, and they probably got his team together and like, okay, what do we do? And they're like, we just take the cheese. I'll write a fucking letter, get him out of here. And then we'll figure out what to do with it. Now also, don't forget, he's also a morning guy, like he's, his wife is dead. Oh, I saw you meant he was just like, in the evening, he's a little groggy. He doesn't like to get up in the morning. So he sent this letter. I beg you, sir, to

assure those who have united with you in the preparation of this cheese, in honor of the Congress of the United States and myself, that they are truly gratifying as an evidence of the prosperity of our hearty year of manry. See, that's your that's a word we've lost. I think a good call. Y E O M A N R Y. That was a word. Yeah, a good one too. In the state of New York, who engaged in the labor of dairy, well done, dairy farmers. Wow, boy, you really fucking showed me. Yeah. And then he turned around and he went into the White House, and he yelled, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, he absolutely did. And then he like went into the room with a 700 pound wheel of cheese and was like, why 1400 1400, right?

Can you think of anything worse than uninvited cheese? Actually, I think that's why they invented the Oval Office. Oh my God, the fucking throw that through that shit right in there. So he had 1400 pounds of cheese. Lucky girl. Um, he gave out China chunks of cheese to all his friends. I mean, giant chunks of cheese to all his friends, but then it turned out it was still a shitload of cheese. Oh yeah. So he gave all the cheese to everyone he knew who would take it. It's like Brewster's millions of cheese. I'm sure for like a while everyone's like, no, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, sure. Did you eat the last shake it and guess what I've given you on your birthday? Let me guess, Andrew fucking cheese, right? It's always

fucking cheese. So, so the cheese sat there for over a year. The smell must have been hypnotic in the White House hallway. I mean, in the White House cheese. Four years ago, people could come in and say anything and now you're like, we solve that and now I live with cheese. So in memory, washing is hot and humid in the summer. It's not a good place to store cheese in a room. It's a great place in the winter to just throw down some cheese in a room. But in the summer, it's not so good. I mean, the mice must have just been like, buddy, you're going to think I'm fucking out of my mind and lying to you, but I ain't. Let's get the fuck out of New York. Let's get the fuck out of New York. Come on, we're leaving

New York. You're not going to go to the goddamn White House. You're not going to believe what's happening down there. I mean, I'll tell you on the way, this mouse happened. Washingtonians could smell the cheese from several blocks around the White House. Wow. But if you think about it, if you think about like, if you come across like a dead animal or something, you can smell it from so far away. Now, this is a dead whale. This is a thousand pound block of cheese. So the whole fucking city stinks. I mean, it's almost a ton of cheese. But what about the crazy fucker living in the house? So at this point, yeah, but at this point, I think that he's probably like mourning his wife and he's just shuffling

around a robe. Like, you know, when you get really depressed and you don't clean anything up. Yeah. So he's just the main was probably just like, can I throw it out? He's like, no, leave the cheese. Don't don't touch it. Don't don't even look at it. Don't even open that room anymore. I've never got to see it. Leave. I'm marrying the cheese. Andrew, can we turn on some lights? Okay. Um, I noticed you put a suit on the cheese. It was dubbed an evil smelling horror by the people that lived in Washington. He was like, someone say horror. Who's that horror horror? I'm gonna have to duel a man. I'll duel the cheese. He didn't want to throw out the G because it was a gift. I mean, that is a very nice

man, right? That's for a man who's taken a lot of life. See his heart where like he was taking care of the soldiers on the way home. It's the same thing with the cheese. He's like, these farmers gave me this. I have to respect the feelings and by the way, if we try to throw it out, everyone will know. Right. Can't just put it for curbside pickup. No, you can't know that's the thing about the cheese. You can't throw out the cheese because everyone's like, then he loses the popular vote in New York. Yeah. Yeah. So for election for political reasons, it's fucking crazy. So the whole the whole fucking town reeks of cheese. So after so he's been in the White House for eight years now, the cheese has

been there for about a year and a half. The sitting cheese. So he's leaving. So now he's cheese, the big cheese, the he's leaving the white. He's leaving the White House. He's done. He's lost an election. The next guy's coming in. Who is it? It's it's not vampire and it is vampire and vampire is the next guy. So vampire who also was given 700 pounds worth of cheese. Correct. So I'll let you tell me because in my best case scenario, it moves a man with 700 pounds more of cheese. So they're like, okay, he's like, okay, then just bring in my cheese. They're like, what? God, there's one already here. Yeah, I have about one about a half that size I need to get in here. Smells horrible. I haven't been able to eat it. So

so he can't take the cheese with him. Right. So he's like, well, I'm going to do what happened when I first got here and I'm going to throw a fucking party. So he throws a cheese party. God, an old moldy cheese reception is scheduled. And he invites everyone the same thing. Everyone's invited. He puts out an announcement in the Washington Globe. I intend to have eaten on the 22nd my large cheese presented by my friends of the state of New York. Can you be here and partake of the feast and any of your friends who may wish to accompany you it will be my last and only possible day. It's a cheese invite. This was in the paper in the Washington Globe. New York. The New York president is nearly four feet in diameter, two feet thick

and weighs 1400 pounds. He was transported through the state of New York with a great parade to the place where it was shipped. You read Washington reached Washington accompanied with a splendidly painted emblem. We understand the president designs to offer this great cheese which is finally flavored in fine preservation to his fellow citizens who visit him on Wednesday next. The New York president will be served up in the hall of the president's mansion because that's where it's been for a year and a half. Because where the fuck else could it be? So on March 3rd, it went down around the 22nd, it went down. And it was. It was open. Shit was blowing up. Kids hanging off the roof. Everybody's like free cheese. I'm

wasting out cheese. Now I cannot imagine the state of cheese. Like if you keep, okay, does cheese not go bad? Well, cheese is mold, right? So cheese is mold. Well, it is. I mean, the way cheese was discovered was like curdled milk. So it's like milk. But that being said, I think it does go bad. I think it can go worse and become unedited. Because I'll say this, my grandmother who lived through the Depression, when cheese would get mold on it, she would just cut it off. Yeah. And she'd get angry if you threw it out. Yes. So I assumed this cheese was just this big mold because it had to have molded. It had to have mold. I mean, this big moldy thing. And then you would cut the mold off and just have at it.

Yeah, just cut it off. Yeah, it probably would. I mean, they were probably taking like some care of it too. But I mean, like what, hosing it down? How are they taking care of it? I don't know. Like the butler had to go wipe it down every time. Yeah, they hired a cheese guy. He massages it and keeps an eye on it. Make sure the pores aren't, I don't know. But yeah, Willie's coming in to wipe down the cheese. By the way, I think old Willie's just having sex with the cheese. We put a camera in there. Yeah, it would probably go bad, and it sounds like the culture of people were like, fuck it. Right. What we're what we're learning is that Americans were horrible people. Oh, yeah. And what we're learning is we really

haven't changed. We just get it delivered. We just get our moldy shit cheese delivered. It was very popular with the crowd. Some reports said it had a shockingly strong odor. Oh, it had to just be like a body. So it's just a bunch of Americans crowded around the White House getting like, did you get any in the back? Like just taking chunks of cheese and passing it back. Smells and tastes bad. It's not as bad back here. I have totally this story has made me totally rethink cheese. I don't want crazy. No, it's like thing to have happen at the White House is not a movie. How have we never heard about this? I don't know how we've never heard. This is the craziest thing that has ever happened in the White House.

Oh, I mean, oh, by far, since a cigar went in an interns vagina. There's this and that. Oh, no. Oh, Mad Max. If we're the contact, I could just the contact just came in to get some get some of his shit. Yeah, just he's just two dudes sitting in a garage talking in a microphone. Oh, that those are the guys that are paying me. That's the guy who makes a living. That guy's making money. You know, you don't happen to have this fucking guy's house that I'm working on. I'm fucking digging up the goddamn floor. You don't happen to him and his buddy. They go and they play radio in the fucking garage. I'm dying to sweat.

No, they're like 40 or some shit. I don't know. They're fucking old guys. It's not some fucking kid. I'm dying to sweat and I'm sitting there and I'm ripping up this floor and I have to go in the garage real quick. Well, him and his little buddy are in there shouting about cheese all day. Okay. So you want to talk about what's fucked up? I'm working for the cheese shouter. I didn't move here for this. This is not what I want to do. That's why he just left. Fuck this. I'm done. He's texting your wife right now. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's weird. Yeah. That's like a ghost thing. Now. Now all of a sudden my printer is just going on. You make you make it fun of the contractor. What if it just printed a picture of cheese?

Well, stab my throat. Hey, I know he barks. You barked at the printer. It's great. It's all great. You're really good. You're the best dog at saving people from printers that I've ever known. And what's ironic is the printer could still kick the shit out of this dog. Yeah. So the cheese was served and this is there arose an exceedingly strong smell so strong as to overpower a number of dandies and lackadaisical ladies. So they're saying that I think they're saying that gay dudes and ladies passed out from the cheese. I was wondering real men. Yeah. Got in there and ate that shit. Yeah. But I'm pretty sure the what paper is this the the Portsmouth Journal of Politics and Literature, a local paper up in Portsmouth basically said that

feminine gentlemen and ladies couldn't handle dandies that couldn't handle the order of the cheese. That's how they determined if you were gay. I understood back in that time. Well, anybody who passed out near cheese was a homosexual. Well, he likes to trot around with boys. Look at him. He's face down. Can't handle the cheese. Hey, Larry. Can't handle the cheese or the vagina. Larry looks like you're in for a buggering tonight. It's been a buggering to do with the old guy, friends. Of course, the cheese had sat and so it it sat in this room hallway, whatever hallway for so long that it's aroma permeated the fixtures and the carpets and the drapes. So these people ate all the cheese. Yeah. So by the time the party was over, they had eaten

all the over 1000 a pound. It's just a moldy stinking cheese. I mean, just dirty like he basically just he just basically said, Hey, all you dirty gross fucks. Hey, dogs would eat this. Hey, dogs with human skin. Just come up here. And so all these just gross monsters came up and ate the cheese with their fucking hands and bullshit about there being free cheese here today. Or is that true? No, that's true. So there is excuse me coming through been wondering what that smell is. Oh, yeah. They want to get up here for a while. Guys left it in the hallway for about a year, year and a half. Good smart. Holy shit. I like my cheese. You know what I do is I'll eat some of it and I'll put the rest in my pocket to see who's gay. So the next guy moves in and vampire and

it the whole place smells like cheese after he just put his 700 pounds of cheese to bed. Hold on. Oh, no. So this is written by former John Davis's wife, Eliza in 1838. So it's a year later. Okay. The White House has been put in order by its present occupant and vastly improved. Van Buren says he has had a hard task to get rid of the smell of cheese. And in the room where it was cut, he had to air the carpet for many, many days to take away the curtains and to paint and whitewash before he could get a victory over the smell. He has another cheese like that which General Jackson had cut and he says he does not know what to do with it. What a foolish thing for a man to have made such a present for him or anyone else. Okay.

Here's the deal. Van Buren didn't have his cheese. Van Buren had already finished his cheese. There wasn't any left that cheese. Andrew Jackson had gotten another 700 pounds of cheese and he stashed it in the White House and left it for Van Buren. And shut the fuck up. Wait. Yes. So they were like, oh, thank God that cheese has gone and they went down into a back room and they went, oh my God. What cheese? Jackson, you rascal. He just did it as a goof just to be a fuck. He busted a point like a, here's a gift. Oh my God. Fucking. That's hilarious. Best president ever. Best president in the history of the United States.

Van Buren eventually gave, in 1839, gave the 700 pound wheel of cheese away in a charity auction. Andrew Jackson. Which is what Andrew Jackson should have done in the first place, right? Yeah. He should have done a charity, but they just didn't think of it. They were like, we ought to keep the cheese. What if we do a charity? I don't think that'll work. It's a lot of cheese. We got to keep New York in our corner. I don't want the guy to be pissed. But Van Buren could do it because he was from New York. Right. So it's easier for him to go, yeah, I'm going to give it away. It's like a yay cheese. Andrew Jackson was like, mhm. Want some more? Fuck you. Go to the boiler room, bitch. Jackson died June 8th, 1845. So

five, six years later at the age of 78 of chronic tuberculosis. Drop C and heart failure. I was hoping it would be something to do with a vampire. It would be great if there was some cheese tie in. I mean, yeah, I mean, died of cheesy veins. I had always heard about the party and I always been fascinated by the party. But then I was reading about the party and the bottom one, he was like, and later on, he held the cheese event. I was like, what do you mean later on? He held the cheese event. How is that not like the top page in every history book in the United States of America? Like when you go to school in elementary school, the first thing you should do is like,

all right, open up your books to page one. All right. It says the cheese. This is pretty interesting, guys. This is interesting as history gets for us here in the United States. I mean, can you imagine in today's climate, if there were, I mean, what the cheese gate, the amount of coverage you'd have over the White House cheese. Oh my God. The presidential cheese, what's going to happen with the cheese? Well, they did do some sort of, Obama did have some sort of cheese event in, in like honor of what had happened. Like they did, they did like a little making fun of it thing. But Andrew Jackson challenged him to a duel right after.

And then he got shot. I think it's funny, fuckface. See you tomorrow, bitch. Hey, what'd you say about my cheese? What did you say about my cheese? Celebrating your cheese. See you out back. See you out back at noon. I think I have to duel Andrew Jackson's ghost tomorrow. You know what else he used to do during the duels is he would wear a large trench coat because he was a really skinny dude. So it made him look fat.

More. And then they'd shoot through the trench coat and then he'd like throw it off and be like, ha! All right. Now to aim for your throat. How I roll. They don't call me throat cheese Jackson for nothing. I was going to ask, why do they call you throat cheese Jackson? There you go. Because I shoot people in the throat and I lived with cheese.

And my last name's Jackson. Yeah, that's me jingling like a spur. I'm full of bullets. A jingle. Jingle, jingle, jingle cheese. Jingle cheese is here. What are you guys going to ask jingle cheese for this year? Seriously, in Europe this would have become like something like that. And at that time jingle cheese car through the toilet into the apartment or into the living

facility. And if he leaves you cheese, you have a good year. And if he leaves you not seeing, you get to have half your friends cheese. Did you say not seeing? Whatever you heard. Yay. Just follow through with the plan. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Jingle cheese. I mean, what the fuck was wrong with people? From beginning to end, that story is so fucked up that anyone thought they could give cheese and then someone kept the cheese and then people ate the cheese. I would rather live in a day and age when you could go to the White House, tell the president to suck your dick freely, and go there for a cheese party, and have your president leave cheese behind than live in the one now where I'm like,

wait, they know where I'm going and staying because of my iPhone and they're using this information against me somehow. I'd rather just be like, well, the president's got a listen to with a ton of cheese, a metric ton of cheese. And he hid one going on a White House tour. Yeah. And this is the cheese. And everyone put your masks on now. We're going to ask y'all to put your masks on.

We're going through the cheese wing. Well, the cheese wing, I guess it is now. Yes. Well, I'm sorry. If we didn't get the memo, Greg, I'll see you later. Goodbye. Cheese wing. Fuck. We're such a fucked up country. It's been happening since the beginning. Ah, it's really something that needs to be known. I mean, just what a nightmare.

What a cheese nightmare. You're such gross people. Ah, cheese. Right? The last thing you could have around for, I mean, besides meat. Well, yeah, I mean, there's better things to have around. Yeah. Then cheese. Then cheese. Oh, I wonder what kind it was. It had to be cheddar.

A party sub. Here's a 1,400 pound party sub, sir. Enjoy it for years. Oh, God, Christ. Oh, fuck me. But cheese. Could it have been hard candy or something? The versatility of cheese.

Yeah. You just basically eat it or put it on a cracker. And that's it right now. So that's all we know how to do with it right now. So that's what we're doing. So it's really, really, really the worst, unless you love cheese, which some of us used to. And then we had 1,400 pounds of it dropped off. Cheese is the greatest.

That is the biggest fuck you. Yeah. Yes. No, it's a present. There you are. It's a present that says go fuck yourself. Here, it's what I call food monkey paw. Oh, God, uninvited cheese. Well, well, there you go.

That's how Congress and the White House work together. That's how they used to function. That's how that's what we call cheese imbalance. Yeah, I got cheese fucked. Alrighty. All right. Well, that's an episode of The Dollar. It sure is.

Hope you're happy. OK. Here we go. Hi there, Dollar People. This is Gareth, not Gary. Gareth, enough already. I've got some stand-up dates I wanted to keep you updated on. Join me on the road. We're having a lot of laughs.

March 13th, I will be at Summit City Comedy in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Tuesday, March 14th, I'll be at Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis. March 15th, Wednesday, I'll be at the Louisville Comedy Club in Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, I'll be at the Columbus Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio, March 17th, Friday at the Funny Bone. March 18th, I'll be at the Funny Bone in Perrysburg, Ohio. And that's two shows that night. March 19th, I will be at Hilarities, and it'll be Hilarious in Cleveland, Ohio.

March 21st, I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky. I'm drunk at Comedy Off Broadway. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis at the Galleria. March 23rd, I will be at the Comedy Club of Kansas City. And Friday, March 24th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. Same with March 25th, Saturday, Des Moines, Iowa. And then March 26th, I'll be at the Funny Bone in Omaha, Nebraska. Also, April 12th, the Tacoma Comedy Club.

I told you I was drunk. And then April 13th, I will be in Spokane. And then April 14th and April 15th, I will be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. You can go to garethrenolds.com for all that ticket information. So come join me on the road, garethrenolds.com. We're having laughs. I'm drunk.