The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 101 - The Past Times with Kylie Brakeman

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian Kylie Brakeman.  No Dollop this week due to thanksgiving, a holiday where we celebrate... oh man.  Redbubble Merch

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When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Kylie Brakeman, hello Kylie, thank you for joining us.

Hello, thank you for having me on The Past Times. Now you admitted, confessed, you've listened to this show on a road trip. Oh. Yeah, maybe it's a little cringe. Maybe it's a little embarrassing, but I have listened to the podcast. It is great that I'm currently on. And thank you. I know this is a Gen Z podcast where we don't like trying, where we don't like effort and earnestness. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. I am not afraid to say that I have listened to the podcast and I enjoy the podcast. It's cringe. And that is super cringe. Yeah. Yeah. It's real bad. I am a super fan. I know everything. I'm on the Reddit.

I'm on whatever it is that you guys have. Oh no. Stay away from the Reddit. Well Kylie, I was just saying to you, I just, I honestly don't, I guess because you're so popular, I just started seeing your content at one point and I just was like, oh my God, you are so goddamn funny.

So where can people follow you? Why don't you give that first? You can follow me at Dead Eye Breakman on TikTok or Instagram or I guess Twitter if we're still, if you're hanging around the grave site. How are you doing on TikTok? I bet you do well on TikTok.

I do okay on TikTok. I think I'm not on like the trends. There are like certain editing things that people know how to do on there that I just will never know how to do. And if I were to ask the question, it would be just over for me. It would be so embarrassing. So I, I, I, I just don't know. Dave, Dave is huge on tick tock. So any questions, let him go in that direction. How do I use the green screen filter?

We call ourselves TikTokers, but a lot of people don't know that. The green screen. We call him the TikTok-er. Because he really... Dave, stop talking. I'm trying to make you look good. So also, Kylie, just very quickly, you have a podcast called Or the tick doctor. Or the greedy button. Dave, stop talking. I'm trying to make you look good. So also, Kylie, just very quickly, you have a podcast called Artists on Artists

on Artists on Artists and maybe some more artists being at. That's your podcast. It's a fake Hollywood roundtable. Then you also have a special on comedy dynamics called Linda Hollywood's Big Night. And Linda Hollywood, I'm familiar with her. She's great. Bit of a name dropper.

I do. I play like a Bit of a name-dropper. I do. I play like a sort of like evil Hollywood agent and it was my Edinburgh Fringe show from 2022 and it is out available on a special. So Prime Video, Apple TV. And the one I'm trying to push is- Comedy Dynamics. Yeah. Comedy Dynamics is Microsoft

because I was not aware you could purchase comedy on Microsoft and I think it'd be awesome if if I did numbers on Microsoft. I agree. I agree with you. I think that's a good area to target. I think that's pretty good to be Microsoft. Microsoft is a great show. It's the best comedy deliverer without question. I mean, it's a lot of people are saying that. Yeah. Yeah. It's a silly computer. We call ourselves Microsoft is over there, by the way. It's true. Well, Kylie, you're a super fan.

So you it's very cringe, but you know what we do. You're going to get a chance to guess what year this newspaper is from. It's from history. Could be 1600, probably not. Could be 2000. That has happened. We did one from 2001 or 2002. So it's up to you, but you get to take a stab at what year you think this paper is from. Then I'll guess and I'll maybe be closer and Dave will still give you the victory. So go ahead. Okay. Um, wait, am I guessing, I'm guessing off of nothing? Or am I guessing off of something? Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Just vibes.

Okay, vibes. I am going to guess the year 1894. It's a very good guess. I'm not going to lie. That's a very good guess. And I'm going to guess that it's 1908. Oh, kind of closer. It is 1929. It's not closer. See, this is what. Did I tell you? I think I was closer. No, you're not. Seemed pretty close. No, it seem pretty close. She was pretty close.

Twenty nine and ninety four are kind of like twin numbers. Thank you. Yes. This is almost reversible. Almost not at all. Reversible. No world. Yeah. You can just flip them, Dave. It is the Bernettsville news from Bernettsville, Indiana on March 7th, 1929.

You ever been to Bernettsville, Kylie? I've met. I don't think I've ever been to Bernettsville. I drove through Indiana to see the total solar eclipse, but that's the only time I've been to the state. You got to go to Bernettsville. Beautiful. Did you did you did you go? Did you did you? Did you? Did you go? Did you? We did you see the total? Did you?

Were you able to look? I did. I was in the zone of totality. And it was crazy. Yes. Felt like I was. I was also. You're crazy. Totality. Yeah. Yeah, I was in Dallas. I Dallas did. You know, I watched an episode of Friends. Gareth went to a place where there were clouds. So it was you've never seen clouds have light behind them like the one

where you saw you didn't even need the glasses. I saw so many clouds. I was in the I was in the ring of notality. What people don't know about being in the totality is that for that three or four minutes, you can kill whoever you want. It's interesting. Why don't we get to the why don't we go to the at least that's what I did. Getting dark.

Like the every disease found in China. Oh, my God. OK. The headline. No. How can it be wrong? So it kind of sounds like how can it be wrong? It can't be. A little bit. Yeah.

Yeah. Five ways to get rid of toe fungus. Every Friends episode ranked. My people. In China, every known disease exists and floods, wars and famines are common. So this is really just some U.S. puff piece. This is propaganda. This is to make us be like, wow, they're terrible.

We're great. Yeah. Because we don't have any of that stuff. But the political and economic situation affects the people's health more than any of the diseases in The opinion of an official of the United States Public Health Service who has recently returned from China. Okay, so this is one guy Yeah, that's what bothers me about it is that it's just a guy. It's just like it's disgusting Yeah, it's just a guy who's just like, it's disgusting. Yeah, it's a guy. Ignorance and terrific poverty are, of course, responsible for the prevalence of tuberculosis,

smallpox, cholera, intestinal diseases, and diseases resulting from- Well, it sounds like he had a fun trip. It sounds like he had a fun vacation, at least. Yeah, he didn't like it. Yeah, if you got around enough people to get a contagious disease, you probably were hanging around some cool places.

I'll tell you, I've never if I don't come back with cholera, I have not enjoyed myself enough. You did not do meek and those right. If you do not come back. No, you really something yucky. Yeah. Yeah. Sanitation in the Western sense is completely lacking for all, but the wealthy Mandarin class.

Okay. The vast numbers of Chinese population are not even a roof to cover them while they sleep. Their entire property consists of the rags they wear as clothing. Also known as clothing. That's not property. That's crazy. It's also known as clothing. Yeah. The Rickshaw Coolies.

That's also, that's for the fashion segment. That's not for this. That's off topic. I agree. This is a different part of the paper. Yeah. The Rickshaw Coolies, that's a big good name for a band,

except for pure racism. I was just gonna say, or a gang. Except for the terrible racism. Hot and sweating after their last run have nowhere to sleep at night. But the pavement. Jesus Christ. I mean, it doesn't sound good. You put it this way. I love how Burt'sville is shaming this hard. Well, this this sounds like America.

Yeah. 2024. Yeah. No foreigner dares to eat uncooked food. What? Well, no, nobody. What? That's everywhere. I don't want to do that. That's not just the China thing. I don't want to do that anyway. Yeah. I'll only eat pink chicken in America. In spite of all precautions, foreigners nearly always get dengue fever

if they are in the country for not true time. Not. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Dengue a fungus infection of the foot known as Hong Kong foot is very common. Oh, Christ. Get yourself some Hong Kong. It's a lot early, buddy. It's the Hong Kong foot is bad. It's like you almost want to make a joke, but it's just a little too delicate.

Yeah. I mean, it really, yeah, like it's very, it's like a Trumpy, like they have Hong Kong foot. They're coming over here, they're bringing their color and they've all got the Hong Kong foot. And it's so offensive, but you don't totally know why. It's just like, okay, I don't know what stereotype we're playing on. I don't know what the source material is,

but it's so bad. It's the classic, they're dirty and diseased foreigners thing. It's just, we still do it today. It's never gone away. No. Yeah. OK, so there's this little section here and it's called From My Window. This could be a good Microsoft thing for you, Kyle. It could be like, yeah, that could be the title of your Microsoft show.

Tie in. Yeah. Come on. As seen by Mary Ann. So Mary Ann is just staring out her window. Looking out her window. OK. Howdy, folks. Things she saw. Friday.

Another teacher. This is something she saw. It is something she saw. Another teacher, Frieda Crowell, drives into view on her way to the tournament at Monticello. OK, so let me just go ahead and say this should not be a column. Saturday. Are they in for Friday? Are they all day at the window and just saw a teacher?

No, this is bullshit. It's we're getting to Saturday. I think she's on the best cocktail of housewife drugs imaginable. This sounds like an awesome life. She should be. It sounds very like Friday, smiley face emoji. Everything's awesome. I mean, yeah.

So true. She's got Valium and vodka and she's like, this is driving to school again. That'll be the day. This is amazing. Wow. Laundry, can you believe it? You're not going to believe what I said today. Okay, Saturday. Are they twins? Who? She's looking in a mirror just hammered on

belly. Are they twins? She's holding up her two hands, are they twins? They're friends? Those two little boys of the same height wearing black sweaters under blue overalls looking muchly alike, but as they turn around, ah, behold, Richard Fry and Howard Saylor. What the fuck? It's so dumb to put in the reveal being they're not twins. Like to have like it's like it's like salacious because it's like it is click baby is like maybe they're twins and it's like they're not.

It's what she sees and goes through. They're not. They're two men I've never heard of who are different and not related. But everybody knows these two guys. I bet everybody in the town wanted to be mentioned in this column. I bet it's not hard to do it in Bernardsville, Indiana. Monday. What you just got to get by your window. Sunday.

Now, Monday. What about now? We take that by the window. They just like this doesn't go down today at all. But I'll stay up until it's Monday. I'm praying I'm closing the blind today. Nothing happens on Sunday. Today's between God and me. Logan's port is represented by Merle Nethercut, who is in town. Not a name father, the jeweler.

Nethercut. Nethercut. That's what a eunuch gets. Nethercut. What else could it be? OK. It sounds like one of those trick names where you ask like Ligma and then it's a trap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But but wait, what happened Monday? Monday? And I don't know how I told you Logan's Merlin, another cut is in town visiting his father, the jeweler.

That's that's hot news. OK. She saw that. I like that. I like that this is kind of like a gray gardens where the doors just kind of hammered shut and people are just like, get out. Margie, get out. She's like, how nice. hammered shut and people are just like, get out, Marge, get out. She's like, hold on. Tuesday, three Mertz children are playing around the block. Mary Jane leads the way on roller skates as her two nieces follow.

One rides slowly in a kiddie cart while the other pushes a doll buggy. What's wrong? This is barely a journal. This is like it's this is this is great. This is the everybody wants to know what's going on in the town. But even if they did, this is not it. This is yes, it is this. No, it is. This is just some weird lady just like looking like looking through the blinds,

just going like, now she's rather skating. The other one's pushing the stroller. It's Mary Ann. OK. Wednesday. the motors to stop and try vehemently to enter a passing farmer rights him of his error. How about some word? That's good. No, it's not. A guy almost turned into a building that's no longer a garage. This is why we're. It's funny.

Most of her stuff she doesn't say very much about, but she lent a lot of space to once was, but never isn't anymore. I agree. Very little has transpired, but this seems like the least. And yet it was the most. I mean, you know, Thursday, Wednesday is a big day. I want to ask you a question. How many more days are there?

Because I want more day. Okay, you ready? It's the best one Thursday. You got you knew that, though. Thursday, everyone should know why Howard Jenkins has purchased a new Essex coach. Here's telling the world that today is his birthday. So maybe the car was a gift for himself. So long. See you next week.

Is this paper handwritten? Is this a handwritten paper? This is I wonder what her assignment was like. Is this gossip or is this like a Sex and the City thing? Like, what what was she asked to do? I love the idea of the editor like getting it in and just sort of being like, OK. All right. No notes. Do you have the editor like getting it in and just sort of being like, okay. No notes. So, okay, no Sunday.

Yeah, we'll file it under lifestyle. Uh-huh, oh, so they weren't twins. Well, we have to print it. We've kind of allotted the space, but this will be it, Mary Ann. I think this is a weekly comment. I mean, if we want another issue, we have to wait a whole other week of observations.

She's exhausted. I don't think I could do this anymore. I left it all out there. I bet it went on for years. I bet this column went on for years. Probably. People loved it. Everyone loves getting mentioned. Everyone loves it. It's true.

All right, let's get back to the hard news then. Miss Ella Frye, south of town, has ordered the news sent to her sister, Miss J.B. Duggan at Venice, California, as a birthday present. OK, I'm. I'm you're getting the news. I genuinely I feel like they're doxing kind of where the news is going, where they're where their issues are there. It's it's definitely a dox, but it's also.

I'm mad at the paper and Dave, I'm mad at you for bringing it to us. of where their issues are going. It's definitely a Doc's, but it's also, I'm mad at the paper and Dave, I'm mad at you for bringing it to us. This paper, this is the slowest newspaper we've had. I mean, this is crazy. This is crazy. Okay, page two. This is like what a dog's paper would sound like. This is great.

I'm just on the edge of my seat with the news that's coming. That's the most exciting thing that happened in this paper. OK. Human weathervane is this man's job. All he does is tell which way the wind blows. Oh my. What year is this? This is the 1920s?

This is a story out of Washington, D.C., our nation's capital. So of all the queer jobs in the world. This is national news? This is national news. This is what people want. The human weathervane. Of all the queer jobs in the world, probably none is stranger than that of official weathervane.

No, there's a weirder one. Marianne did it. Imagine having a position at a fair salary with nothing to do but tell in which direction the wind was blowing or likely to blow. This is likely to blow is crazy. It's going to be that way. Come on. I'll take my money, please. I think it's I think it's going southwest.

I've got what us human weather veins call a wind hunch. I hope they had competing weather. But there's another guy. It's going the other way. You're crazy. They have totally different philosophies on how to find it. This guy uses the lick the finger test. It's fucked up. The other guy throws the grass. The two competing schools of thought. Yeah, well, he's a finger licker. So you know how to trust those guys. I owe Chicago versus New York. Look, I mean, I respect the hell out of a grass tosser,

but you know what I mean? That's old school. Technology is finally caught up with human weather veining. Yeah. Yeah. If you're a high schooler. This job exists at the Weather Bureau of the United States Department of Agriculture here, and it is a busy one for numbers of people all over the country right in to find out what direction the wind is coming from. What the f...

Right in? Yeah. Does the delay not... Ah! See, you ask in advance, and then I guess you have a one in four chance of responding correctly. Yeah.

If you're like north, south. I mean, it's absolutely insane. It feels like by the time you got a response, the wind was over. Completely over. Oh, it was West. That was six weeks ago. Mail and weather, though. That's pretty good.

The inquires are not humorous, professional or otherwise, who have nothing else to do and want to stir up a little annoyance and excitement. They are people with serious interests in life. Wrong. So defensive. The maximum that it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good has in a measure adopted by the human wind indicator. It is his business to find out if any air disturbance, variously known as a Zephyr, a gale or just plain wind is going to work.

Anyone any harm? I mean, this this article goes on for paragraphs. It is so long that I cannot believe what's happening. Just just skip, skip down and read something after like a few paragraphs. Okay. A steady stream of letters flows into us. This is a quotation.

A steady stream of letters flows into us from interested people seeking information on a wide variety of subjects. This is a scam. Immediately information may be wanted on the current or seasonal weather or more particular facts concerning the climate or prevailing weather conditions of a par-ticular locality. Wow.

Absolutely stupid. It's so stupid. Yeah. I also don't believe it. I think they're just over, they're like, oh, yeah. A lot of people are writing in. They're just trying to keep funding going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They like have a grant. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. Maybe he wrote it. Yeah.

The way he did. Yeah. He's like, oh, boy. A lot of people. It's like when you retweet yourself. A lot of people are talking about this one. A lot of momentum on this. Sounds like somebody's got to keep paying me. People are talking. Let me just write back to this fella. East.

Woo! Woo! All in a day's work. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh Dave. Of course, our friends forever. We've been using Squarespace forever. We love their websites.

They're crisp, they're clean, they're easy to use. You don't have to update stuff. Look, we've said this over and over again, but if you wanna know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with and it is Squarespace. Oh yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the... Flexible employees too. Those people are... It's weird. You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful. They do credit cards, Apple Pay, all the stuff, PayPal, they do it all.

You can sell content, you can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site by adding a paywall, you can sell memberships, you can sell courses, whatever, you can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak?

Because I think that's a good point. No. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm going to say it again. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase

of a website or domain. Okay, how about this? Cuba quits bongo drum as incitement to savagery. I refuse to believe there was nothing more going on. The fact that we've opened it up to national news and now international news, international. Yeah. And we're talking about we're talking about Cuba in this 20s. Bongo drums are a hot, hot button issue at the time.

A lot of people. This is like the guy. This is like the guy who's just like, we don't wanna scare people. We don't wanna scare them. Which way's the wind blowing? What's going on with the Cuban bongos? So far you've learned a lot about China, and you've learned a lot about the weather.

The only swing they were willing to take was like, China's a fucking shithole. Also, there's two kids who look very similar Only the only swing they were willing to take was like China's a fucking shithole. Also, there's two kids who look very similar and a man bought a coach on his birthday. Havana, the Cuban government has prohibited the beating of the African bongo drum. I bet you wonder why this is the this is the Footloose Mayor. That's it. Yeah. But different. Time after time, we see examples of the Footloose Mayor in society.

It's just we keep reframing the Footloose Mayor. There'll be no bongos in my town. There'll be no dancing in my town. It's also the same like bad guy in like every Disney movie where he's just like, a dog can't play basketball. Yeah, he can. The restriction carries heavy penalties on the ground that the monotonous reverberations induce a state of savagery

in ignorant listeners and a state of savagery in ignorant listeners and a state of irritation in others. So some people become crazy and some are just like, stop. I feel the irritation. And it's like when you have a friend who's like, I'm learning how to play guitar and you're like, not here, you're not. They're just like, hey, it's pretty bad so far. But you're like, yeah, I'm not here to support this.

To those who have studied the history of Africa, the bongo drum is well known as the wireless system of African tribes and beats from these drums sometimes 25 miles apart send messages throughout the densest jungles. To those who have studied voodooism, the bongo drum is likewise known for its use to incite dancers to a dangerous state of savagery. Crazy. Just crazy to be openly printing these. I don't know if you studied Voodoo like I have, but. It all feels like it's written by one guy who didn't go to any of these places. Yes.

Yeah. I agree. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I agree with that completely. The editor's like, I got a really racist buddy. He's got a lot of cool stuff. Right out of journalism school.

He's so racist. We're going to put him on the fast track. Did you know that if an African plays the drum one way, others will start killing? And don't even get me started on catching Hong Kong foot. Don't go to China. OK. Televox makes landings safe.

Mechanical man lights airport. OK. Sorry. That's. Wait. Newark, New Jersey. Hold on. Mr.

Stop. OK. That headline, we let it go. And then the follow up is horrendous. Mechanical Man What? Mechanical Man Lights Airport. Lights Airport? Which airport? Mechanical man. Okay.

Mr. Televox, the mechanical man, has come to the... Okay, stop. This one really needs a picture. Is he a mechanic or is he a robot? That's a good question. It's a great question because I'm definitely picturing robot. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say I think it's robot.

I think it's robot. Yeah, I think it is, too. Has come to the aid of aviators by making dangerous landings on unlighted flying fields unnecessary. dangerous landings on unlighted flying fields unnecessary. So he's saying there, I guess they're lighting their lighting fields up so people don't crash in the darkness. OK, this is OK.

There's not in obedience. They're putting in obedience. Yep. They're using a robot lighter guy. It is a robot man. It sounds like it's a robot. I mean, they're saying it's a man, a mechanical man. I want answers and I want them. Well, let's listen in obedience to the note of a siren of an approaching plane.

The mechanical man turned on the floodlights at Newark Airport without the aid of human hands. I think Kylie's right. I think it's just a mechanic. It is a mechanic. Without the aid of human hands. Oh, God wait. A mechanical man. It's Wally. It's a it's a rope.

I feel like I look down upon the people of 1920s and I and I don't give them enough credit to to think that it could actually be a robot. But I guess it's a robot. Well, to be fair, in your defense, you've heard this paper up until now. And when there's weather vane men, it really you should not be expecting high AI technology from these people. I'm looking yeah, we heard you're looking Performing the job of what a hunk of metal can do. Yes, so I'm like, okay, so we're starting there. I don't think we have robots in the same time where a guy

I am eating my words a guy replying to people via letter as to which way the wind's blowing. There is a mechanical man. Are you going to share the mechanical man with us, Dave? Yeah, I'm going to let me let me pull this up on my phone because basically it looks like it is a device to turn on lights, but then they just built a cardboard robot man around it.

And so it's like what Musk unveiled like two nights ago. It's yes, exactly what Musk. Yeah, the bartender. The bartender was like having this conversation that you were like, there's no fucking way Elon Musk had this done, because it was like, I'm pretty good. How have you been? It was like, nope, no, no. Oh, my fucking God, this is the dumbest.

This is so dumb. This is so unbelievably dumb. It's a cardboard. That's cardboard. It's a cardboard robot guy with the control panel inside of it. Cut out R2D2 with no stomach. He's the operation guy. That's crazy. Yes.

He's the operation guy. And then you've got Dick Hewitt standing next to him in his bow tie, willing to unveil the future is here. A mechanical man. I mean, it's just. Stupid. It's a new kind of tube from Westinghouse called the NOLS tube. The NOLS tube, which is the heart of the telebox, is somewhat similar to what the gaseous rectifier uses in a radio. Okay, blah, blah, blah.

The control grid when free outside of influence, acquires the potential due to a space whatever. So it's a fucking tube. It's a it's a. But what are they using this fake robot man to do? They're putting him out. Let's get back to the story. OK. So so Mr. Telebox, whose name freely translated from Greek and Latin means distance,

distant voice, demonstrated his ability as an airfield attendant. When repeated tests, he flooded the new airport with 24 million candle power in response to the distant voice of a plane in the air. So he lights up. No. Well, I think if you look at him, so that. I think you're right. I think I had Kylie. Well, it's a robot and he's sensing,

but it seemed like his job was to light candles and he looks like he's made of wood. That can't be possible. I agree. The man looks really flammable. He doesn't. I agree. The man looks really flammable. He doesn't know. I think that he just lights up because when you look when you actually see him and I'm air quoting, there's nothing he could be doing.

He is just a box. Yeah, like we said with. Yeah, I mean, it's a box. It's a okay because I was being generous in interpreting like a runway lights, like parallel lines from lane to lane. But it seems like it's one robot guy as a lighthouse figure. Yes.

And he doesn't seem like enough. He's got a lighthouse belly. And I agree. If you're a pilot, you're like, yeah, that's not going to help us too much up here, to be quite honest with you. That's actually really unhelpful. I'm 10,000 feet in the air. Yeah, we kind of see them.

And I'm supposed to look for a robot. Yeah, we kind of see. But again, we can't see. Yeah, that's like so, so I mean, it is the 1920s. This is not going to help us. By the way, does anyone know which way the wind's blowing? That could come in service. Which way is Clark looking? OK, what it is is it turns on at a sound, so you could use your voice

to turn it on at whatever it is or it's hearing the engine and it's turning on. So it's set to hear a sound and then do whatever action it's going to do. So light up its little not necessarily light. Here at the airport, it lights up, but it's also it also eventually becomes like a remote control thing over years. I just you kind of like a clap on like kind of. They attached it to a yes. Yes. Yeah.

It is. It's a Mr. Way better. It's the clapper, but it's the it's what we call the yell on man. Yeah, it's an early remote control switching device. That's OK. But they made it look like a robot. No, they didn't. No, Westinghouse did.

Westinghouse is like, we're going to put wood around and give it a head. Peter Branson, airmail pilot, approached the field from various directions at different altitudes in the test, turning on a wind driven siren as he neared. Each time the sound of the siren reached the field, the mechanical man flashed the lights. This is going to change the fucking world.

The mechanical man. The device gives Mr. Televox the stim. Stop creating like the Avengers. You have like a cardboard man. The stim-u-lu-tude. Stop creating like the Avengers. It's it you have like a cardboard man. The stim-u-lu-tude of human response. Like me lying drunk. You take the stim-u-lu-tude.

The stim-u-lu-tude is point four, so we got to turn the man off. Look, take out. It's so dumb. Who was in charge of putting this paper? Like the vetting of these stories is like someone was like, it was like someone was like, we need, we need you to take this paper as fast as possible. Put the dumbest stories in it as possible. You hate interesting things. It's the producers, but for a paper. Exactly.

Gareth, you hate learning. We gotta get the tax refund on this. All right, perfect. Yeah, we've got the telemand or whatever. The device which gives Mr. Televox, oh, I already did that. The stimulative of human response to sound is the combination of two recent inventions, the NOLS grid glow and a vibrating read selector

and bullshit the vibration set up in the read selector when a sound of a certain pitch is impressed upon it are transmitted to the grid glow converted into the the electrical energy and amplified especially. Shut up! To operate the switching mechanism of the floodlights. Fuck you! This is incredible! They're flooding the article.

Do you have stock in this, Matt? Yeah, Dave, what's your deal? Are you banging this man? I love technology. You love this man. Dave loves this man. I mean, they really flooded the article with like non-facts, like, stimulitude, and they just kept rolling

just to make you be like, oh, yeah, it is pretty cool. We've got robots. I mean, why do you hate science? I just hate lies. That's my question. why do you hate science? I just hate lies. That's my question. Why do you hate science? I think it's cool that to this day, you can still just put like, as long as you put a human head shaped thing on top of a machine, it is a robot.

Like the Tesla guy is not, it doesn't need a head. That's so fucking true. The Tesla thing is the best that he that he's acting. It's it's so true that we just like like we're like it doesn't I mean like your computer like you're never but if you like put a head on the computer you'd be like oh whoa a friend. A friend I trusted. Oh my man. I trusted to do what it wants. My best friend has all of my music in his tummy. OK, real news. You want real news?

I don't I don't know what to say. Time to get to some real news. I have a bad feeling. International news. OK. OK. World War One. Okay. Okay. World War I. Yeah. Oh, no. French rushed to defend the innocent oyster. France has rushed

to the defense of the oyster against attacks by British medical scientists. These It's so on par for both countries. That the British are just like, well, we need to make sure that they're not coming for us and that the French are like, let's be free.

Leave them alone. F bird, a French oyster, a magnet magnet on the magnet's better. Magma Mags better. They're not sticking to me. They might be barnacles. Oh, my God. Imagine how much money you would have made back then if you invented an oyster magnet. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. Endless. On behalf of the republic, takes vigorous issue with the British position that oyster vitamins are of little importance. But it's. Jesus Christ, it's honestly over. This one is honestly a little overwhelming. The research. I wish I could be a doctor during this time.

It sounds awesome. It sounds so easy. The oyster vitamins. The best. You've got to take your oyster pills. Yeah, just the easiest. It helps with your arms or whatever. The research work, said M. Bord of Madame Randuin and Dr.

Portier of the Sambon had proved to a skeptical world that the oyster contained a large quantity of vitamin C. He added that American experiments had disclosed the existence of vitamins A and B. Eat your oysters, get your vitamins. That's what we're saying. I believe the French, obviously. But yeah, I mean, obviously very stupid, but I would believe I would go with the French. And they're spelling C-S-E-A, by the way. It's vitamin C.

How dare you. What? How dare you. Yeah. London Fog only friend of youths in courting. That is so creepy. Hmm. What do you mean? Well, that's like some fucking this crazy.

They're like, I have a steam cover. Time to go hit on women in it. It's not a steam car. It's a fog. It's crazy. Kylie, did you ever I was only thinking of the tea. Now, OK, that's not good. That's fair. That can't be good. No, this is bad. OK, it's a bad sign.

No, just women who are just walking around in London fog and then like someone's like, hello. Oh, you've not, oh no, she's not got a ring on your finger. Mind if I have a crack, darling? Oh my God. Where are my friends? I can't see. I've been so much fun.

What the fun? It looks like you need Amanda to escort you through one of nature's mysteries. By the way, the wind's blowing east. My friend Kevin told me. A lover's lane in London where young folks may have leisure and privacy for courting is urged by Reverend- A space for courting is so bizarre. Gotta have it. This is courting alley.

Got to have it. This guy recording space or else what happens? Nothing very strange is urged by Reverend J. Shepherd, a Islington clergyman. The curse of the crowd is the ruin of romance, he said in pleading the cause of the city's youth. The London fog so generally and violently exaggerated. Oh, no, sorry.

What is that word? Excorated, I can't read it. Ex ex. It's not exaggerated. I can't read it. It's all it's white. It's whited. I can't read it. It's all it's white. It's whited out. And violently, let's go with exaggerated is the only friend of youthful Londoners in their courting, the minister said.

I it. So it's an alley with fog where a reverend is suggesting people hit on. He's just saying the fog helps courting because others aren't around. You do see the other side of present because you can't see because you can't see the. You do see the other side that is a bit strange, right? Hmm.

Right. No. But even if it's not nefarious, bit strange, right? Right? No. Even if it's not nefarious, the idea that fog would be so thick that you can kind of make out in it and no one can tell. That's not what fog is. A ship just in the middle of the ocean,

you can't see another foot in front of you. Hurry up, darling, let's have one real quick. There's no one around, the fog's doing us a favor. Come on, sweetie. Give me one. I come on. The fog's decided it's time to snog. It's called the snog fog. Well, I mean, that one's mysterious, I think. I think we'll never know the truth.

No. I'm not going gonna read that one. Why? Just read the headline. Okay, tons of plant food extracted from air. Okay, great, keep going. You're right, crazy headline. You're right.

Oh, English robots to act as informants. Shut the fuck up. I can't wait to see these English robots. What do they look like? What do they look like? It's just the same cardboard man, but they're smoking a little pipe. The teeth are just horrible. Bad teeth and a bunch of tweed. It's the same robot. An informant robot is a terrible idea.

Yes, yeah, Alexa. I don't think we'll ever make a robot. I think that if we haven't, in 100 years, made a real robot, I think we're done. I don't disagree with you. I think they'll be robots. Huh? No, I think they'll be robots and Huh? No, I think they'll be robots

and I think they'll kill us all. Well, Jesus Christ. Let's have a little fun on the show, huh, Dave? Damn. Well, look. You can, don't jump into a very serious subject. There's gonna be a robot apocalypse. I'm just gonna put, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna simply put on a robot suit, ready to go. They can see through that. No, they won't. I'll be great. Which way? Well, let's go kill our masters. It'll be like that. Oh my god.

Big bang boom. That's right. I stink, Ragnar. Yeah, see? Fucking can be great. I'll just have light. My stomach will light up and I'll have a cardboard head. Although England's first robot was created only a few short

months ago. No, no, no, it's not. This is 1929. There's no robots. I know. What operating system are you on? And that's Jerry. I've got to be plugged in for a little longer.

My my last step is just a chimney sweep with an antenna. Yeah. Yes. Doing anything. Well, well, well. longer. My last step. He's just a chimney sweep with an antenna. Yeah, he's not doing anything. Well, well, well. Oh, what's your question then? My question is why you have a baby, baby, baby. Go on in. What with it? What you want to know?

I'm like an oracle, but a bit dirtier. By the way, my latest updates allow me to have tea and ales. I modified bum a fag. The robot's asking me for a cigarette. I could say that I'm a robot. I'm allowed to say that I'm among my friends. He already has six brothers ranging in height from Jasper's six feet six to Rupert's five feet ten.

Despite their tender ages, the services of all seven have been hired out under the contract contract labor system. During this schoolboy is saying how did this get into the paper? During the school boys exhibition at Horticulture Hall. Who is in charge of this paper? And soon, after the exhibition closes, the robot family will be broken up and the brothers sent out to different railway stations and street corners to take 24 hours a day jobs, answering questions and giving directions.

I mean, we still don't have this. Just still don't have robots to do this. We have signs that you can touch and view them as a family. How these duly gleaming giants of steel work has now been revealed for the first time, but six robots. And English, but that's a guy. It is an absolute guy. It's a guy. It's 100 percent.

Pardon me. I've got to go have a piss. It's been revealed for the first time in connection with the schoolboys exhibit where Rupert, a bright little fellow, is to be seen with his chest and head cut open and all his insides revealed. Oh my God. They're calling the robot a bright little fellow? Young John Bull Jr. presses a button on Rupert's tummy,

almost instantly light stare from under Rupert's heavy eyebrows. This is the pilot of Teletubbies. And a voice incredibly deep for such a youngster booms out. What do you want to know? Young John startled, stutters, please, where can I get a bite to eat? Take the third aisle on your left and walk straight on. Insane. Booms the voice. Then the lights die out and Rupert is once again a senseless

structure of cold steel. So this sounds amazing. It's just, it can't be true. There's no way. It's no way. It really is so great to know now that this is such a load of bullshit. Yeah, it's completely made up. because this would have been a jumping off

point to get Siri. Yeah. Some guy said he invented a robot. It's such a lie. Yeah. Somebody said he invented a robot and then everyone crazy. Yeah, it's just the con and he was like, we went from horse and buggies to robot. Yeah, the order goes horse and buggies robot guy. Yeah. The order goes horse and buggies, robot guy on the moon, then iPhone voice assistant. I mean, you put it like that. I love that he also is like pretending it's a family.

And it's not just one. It's a big family. OK, well, here's what happened. And this is this is in the tableau magazine, and it says under the groundwork for A.I. OK. In 1921, Czech playwright Carl Kepic released a science fiction play Robots Universal Rossum's Universal Robots, which introduced the idea of artificial people, which he named robots.

And then in 1929, Japanese professor Makoto Nishimi, Nishimura, built the first Japanese robot named Gatakunzaku. So that's where we're at. So this Japanese guy made a robot and now the West is going. But they're faking it. But then this also we got him to. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We got a family. And then the BBC.

Our robots are fucking. The BBC says Captain W.H. Richards. Created Eric, the robot. That is so that's just and is named Eric is. who created Eric the robot in 1928. That's just and his name's Eric, he is. And he went he was shown at the Science Museum in London. So. Go on, Eric, show him. He's a human calculator.

So it sounds like we had robots. He's a whole guy. He's got thoughts and ideas and an inner life. He's you don't know anything about Eric. Oh, no, he's got he's ideas and an inner life. He's you don't know anything about. Oh, no, he's got he's full of like screws and bits and he's got a bit of nail and wire. No, he's all robot all the time. He is. I mean, it sounds plausible.

Like, I don't know why you guys don't know why you guys are so down on it. Because it's a lie and you know, it's a lie. Well, there's pictures of the robot. So how can it not be real? What are the pictures? Are you talking about the pictures you talked about before? I do not want to say if you're about to show me another one of these bullshit

robots from this lie paper. This is George and he's eating. He's a robot. He's having a meal with his inventor. Oh, my God. This guy at least looks like in 3D. The other one looked like a bunch of popsicle sticks. This is a doll. This is breakfast, by the way, that they're having.

I mean, he definitely built it big. And he toured the world. This is the robot George, and he toured the world. Oh, my God. George delivered speeches in French, German, Hindustani, Chinese and Danish. He cost two thousand pounds to build. So this is real. No, it isn't.

OK, well, then I guess we'll just move on from this extremely long and detailed story about a robot, because because it doesn't want to hear the truth. Well, I like honest. I mean, this whole thing is just a lie journal of robots. OK, let's go on a more a story. And by the way, if robots are starting to populate Earth and you put Mary Ann's column like third, well, that's that's that. She's getting top billing over the invention of robots

Now, you know, you're okay. This is city mouse. Did you hear that Ed brought a coach? It's his birthday Yeah robots are having breakfast and speaking Hindi Also, nothing to report on Sunday. They're making a family. Yeah, I mean a family of robots A family. Yeah, made a family of robots. These two boys look alike. I don't know, the twin thing was pretty cool. It was spicy, there's no doubt. It was a big deal.

All right, let's move on. Fleas from angry wife into wild beasts cage. I mean. Fleas, F-E-F-L-E-A-S. F-L-E-E-S, fleas. So he runs away into a wild beast cage over his, Runs. This does sound like standup back then.

Well, I mean, I'm the only married person here, I believe. You're not married, right, Kylie? So I, I'm not married. I can say this is very relatable. This is what happens, there's been many times where you flood your wife and got into a wild beast cage. That's right.

All right. This is a story out of Los Angeles, California. A wild animal cage was the refuge place of a circus man when his irate wife chased him about the big top with a horse whip. Yeah, OK. This sounds like a cartoon. You remember when you fall asleep halfway. Yeah. This is not so real.

This is a classic circus relationship stuff. This was the testimony of Alpheus Barnes Stonehouse, the A.I.G. Barnes of Circus Fame in court here in connection with a suit for separate maintenance. Again, a divorce. Stonehouse said he had divorced Sarah Jane Hardigan Stonehouse, his second wife in Las Vegas in 1923, and that she was not entitled to an allowance now.

And the woman claims that her husband was not a legal resident of Las Vegas. And that the decree is void. I mean, I don't know what just happened. So I don't know why that that doesn't really give context to the fact that he ran into a wild beast cage. No, not at all. They left out the like they left out the. So really salacious headline. There's nothing else here.

Kind of set up. Was there a beast inside it? I mean, maybe it's continued up here. No, that's the whole story. That's the worst. They finally have a good story. And they believe that we did a full diary of a woman on Valium looking through a window.

They tell you that this guy runs into a beast cage and then just relaxes. And there's no I want to know more about the beast. Yeah. What kind of beast? What's going on? I'm desperate. I'm actually now want to know more about the Beast King. Yeah. Kind of beast. Oh, going on. I'm desperate. I'm actually now desperate to know this. Yeah. And they won't tell me now. I'll probably look a lot like the landing robot,

but he's at the circus. I mean, I know who knows. It's impossible to speculate. More speed foreseen. Scientists meeting in Paris recently predicted within a short time, man will be traveling 750 miles an hour. What? Like with our legs? Are our robot families?

They point to the marked increase in auto speeds. They believe this paper is this is like honestly is Elon Musk's Twitter. Yeah. You know, we're going to build a hyperlip Vegas. This is the hyperlip Vegas. Like he's just on stage just with someone from CNBC. Like we believe that man will be moving about 750 miles an hour in 2025. There will be shopping malls in March.

There will be shopping malls, but you won't need, but you will, average car speed will be 750 miles an hour. They point to the marked increase in auto speed records between 1921 when it was 107 miles an hour to 1928 when a new record of 215 miles an hour was set. Well, I guess they didn't know we were going to be tapping out right around there. Oh, and you guys just kind of stopped. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, you traveled to the future from that time You're like how fast is the cargo now, huh?

800 900 oh 70 miles per hour Guys kind of drop the ball feels like my crazy Where your robot families can I get my eyes on them? What the hell is that weird metal thing that spins atop that house? Men used to do that job when I was a boy. Boys open beauty shop for household pets. Oh my god. I would follow this Instagram account. This is out of Ohio. Yeah. This is out of Ohio.

There no longer is any excuse for bedraggled dogs in Wapakoneta since Fenton Hamilton and Charles Fleming Jr. both 13 opened a dog beauty parlor. And loyals are the operators. This is great. The parlor is in the basement of Young Hamilton's home and has been equipped with appliances to remove dirt, burrs, and curl and comb long and short hair. And this is where Gareth realized

these were torture basements, whether they meant them to be or not. Ah! The youthful proprietors distributed to circulators throughout the town announcing they were prepared to wash black and tan dogs for $0.20 the Burs, gums, or other such substances that might mar the beauty of their class. My dog's full of gum again. I hate, I spit gum on my dog all day.

Now I gotta take it into the groomers. I tell you, the groomers really spoiled me because before the groomers, I couldn't spit gum into my dog's fur, but now when I get mad, I can. And they promise kind treatment, no soap in the eyes and face wash separately. No soap in the eyes and face washing as well. No soap in the eyes.

They're not gonna put soap in the dog's eyes. Yes, they are. Even if you ask for it. Could you just soap my dog's eye out real good? So this is just- No, I abide by a code. He was unfortunately, we took an oath. This is just-

I will not. It's just grooming, that's what we're talking about. That's a beautiful story, but I can only imagine. And why do they charge different colors for the- Yes. Different amounts for the colors? Yes. Why do they do it?

What are they talking about? I don't know if I want to get into it, but why do they do it? I agree. Even back then they were like, well, we've invented dog racism. We found a way. And we have to find a sort of nonsensical way

of enforcing it. Yeah, yeah. They're drinking from sip. Well, we've let dogs into our homes. We gotta find a way to makecing it. Yeah, yeah. They're drinking from sip. Well we've let dogs into our homes, we gotta find a way to make it racist. Now I don't want my white dog to be around. Oh fuck. Last one?

Yeah, okay. This one doesn't have a headline. That doesn't matter. RR Alexander has 200 baby chicks that he is raising in the basement of his house under the latest accepted plans for rearing of baby chicks. A lot of animal basement stuff in this. Yeah. Yeah. Poultrymen have come to the conclusion that sunlight is not necessary for the raising of chicks. Oh, fuck me.

Jesus Christ. Oh, no. By Tyson. Oh, no. This is written by Tyson. Oh, no. This is like the exact genesis of when it all started. It is. It is. Of when all the factory farming started. Written by John Perdue.

You're watching the exact realization that someone could do this. The very idea, like at least now we acknowledge it as torture when you keep chickens in a coop that has no wind. But back then, they were like the idea that an animal wouldn't want sun. I know it's crazy. They hate sun. They don't need it. Wait a minute. They hate. It's out of the sun and it's still alive. That means it's happy. You are right, though.

This is the beginning of hundreds of chicks in a basement. No sign of people like great. Yeah. And then 100 years later, 50 billion people die of bird flu. Oh, come on, Dave. It is more a matter. It is more a matter of correct feeding combined with good care. And he is giving the theory a tryout.

That's nice. Well, I've got good news. We accept. We learned a lot about the future on this episode. This was, and I mean this, Kyle, this has to be top three dumbest papers we've done. This paper was so stupid. Just so fully dumb. They're really dumb. It was a lot of sort of like half-baked ideas that were just like, we're, and we're doing this and it's real. Yeah. I feel like nothing happens in the town government or like socially between people like No, it's actually the Mary Ann's the Mary Ann part was such an outlier of like small-town silly and Then the rest was just like what does an idiot believe?

Yeah was just like, what does an idiot believe? Yeah. Oh, shit. I actually I really desperately want to follow Mary Ann's columns now. I would love to. I want to know what else passed by her when I was really, I'm really into what she's watching. Pretty soon, it's guys in white coats with a straight jacket.

I mean, we could go through these papers for you. I bet it went on for years. I bet that they just kept making it. And well, that OK, let's see if Burns is listening. Burns who looks through a lot of these papers. Burns find another one and Kylie will have you back and we'll go through and we'll see if we can get some more Mary Ann cooking. Yeah. I'll do an all Mary Ann episode. All right. We'll try to do let's try to do a full Maryne episode. You're locked in. You're pot committed.

Well, Kylie, thank you so much for joining us. People should go watch your special, Linda Hollywood's Big Night, and that could be found on Comedy Dynamics. We're trying to drive people to Microsoft because it would be great to be the biggest fish in that. And if you could buy it on Microsoft, that'd be huge. Your podcast, Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists.

And thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate it. You're so funny, so thank you so much. Thanks for having me. It was a thrill, and I, man, God bless America. And the robots. Yep, and France and oysters. And the robots. Yep, and France and oysters. And the robots.

["Some of These Days"] What's up, all things comedy fans? This is Matt Walsh. My name's Timothy Simons. And we have a podcast on the channels here called Second in Command. We were formerly a Veep Rewatch podcast, but now... We watch any movie with a president or vice president in it,

and we bring on an interesting, funny, cool person to talk about that movie. And this week, who do we have, Tim? We have star of stage and screen, Kristin Bell. You might know her from Veronica Mars, from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, from The Good Place or the more recent Nobody Wants This. And what movie did she pick, Tim?

She picked the 2006 movie Idiocracy, which has nothing to do with our current circumstances. No, no, it did not predict what we were going to live through starting January. Anyways, it's fun and I'm really excited about this episode, so please check us out. Yeah, we come out every Tuesday on All Things Comedy. Get us wherever you get your podcasts.