The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 102 - Alfred Lawson and Lawsonomy

Episode Date: August 2, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Al Madrigal to discuss Alfred Lawson and Lawsonomy. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Hello Rubes welcome to Meltdown. It's the live dollop here your hosts Dave Anthony

and Gary Reynolds. That died fast. It's Gareth and Vicki you're on the shit list. Supposed to have friends backstage. Out here is the battle. That went bad. Okay Dave ready to. Hi Gary. Hi. Welcome to the dollop. This is a bi-weekly podcast. Just one person sends me a tweet and I'm like it's all over. Yeah. We can't use bi-weekly anymore. Also I don't know if you've paid attention to your Twitter they're making a movie about Hugh Glass. Oh I didn't I hadn't been told that five yeah yeah yeah there is a there is a Hugh Glass movie I don't know if you guys know this Leonardo DiCaprio stars in it there's a trailer really yeah I'll

tweet it at you. Stop texting. So who's texting is someone texting buttons oh people are taking pictures buttons is texting. Oh you got a periscope. That's Seifert he is my Seifert he thinks he's my boss but it's actually Mark Maron. Here we go. That's basically my attitude to you a lot of the time Dave. This guy's right up in here and way too casual. Yeah yeah this ends in bullets. Oh yeah fucking reanimator. There you go. This kid over here is going places. Reanimator t-shirt he's fucking way ahead of half you. How many people have seen Reanimator? Oh that's terrible. That's fucking terrible. It's a terrible ratio. This

whole show shit. And your guest is Al Madrigal. How's it going guys. Hi Al. Hey we share an office. We do so I just two days ago I looked over and I said are you coming you go I wish I hadn't I said yes and I said cool. I just just rather be home guys. I really would. I get that. Well that I mean that me too. Yeah I mean if we're all on the same page are you guys gonna be dicks about this. Yeah I know you're paid and you're expected to see a show. Yeah we'd all rather be home. Yeah I think we all would right. Don't fucking go home. Okay that's fair. It's only fair. This is awkward. Let's face it this podcast is a chore. Yeah to listen to to

do. I mean nobody wins. Everybody Zach on sound is like fuck. March 24th 1869. What year I didn't listen I'm sorry. March 24th 1869. 1869. All right. Did you ever listen to an episode. That's not I'm aware of what you do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's in the house. Yeah. He's got a t-shirt. Did you did you watch the Daily Show before you did that. Yeah. Okay. That's cool. You know what but actually there was a time there was a time when the Daily Show if you had a Tivo early on that it took over your DVR your Tivo and became it overwhelmed the memory there. So yeah I took Daily Show off after a while. The

Tivo could they reran it three times during the day and so you couldn't fucking they was a 430 730 like they were rerunning it during the next day. Comedy Central didn't have shit. And so they I took it off. So I didn't watch every fucking Ed Helms piece. That's right. Ed Helms suck it. We're coming at you. I thought I was asking a more simple question. No. You should explain really quick just for a second how I met. He's one of the first guys I met in stand-up comedy and in the old Cobb's comedy club there was a list where they used to rank. They used to rank the comedians and I remember walking back

and we had never met and I think he was like looking at the list scowling. Yeah just looked at me and like can you believe this fucking shit. Sorry this is Dave Anthony. Yeah Mr. Positive. You really balanced out. Yep. Alright but go ahead March 24th 1860. Alfred William Lawson was born in London. Three weeks after his birth the family set sail for Ontario Canada. That's what you want to do when you have a newborn baby get on a boat. Yeah well those boats then were very healthy it was sort of like a nursery. Yeah yeah. It's letting your child play with scurvy for the afternoon. Don't play an ad. Doctor recommended. So three

years later they settled in Detroit. His father's plan was to open up quote a one-man factory for the weaving of rag carpets in order to earn an honest living. That was that's his dream. Yeah. Also not a factory. That's like a dude doing the thing. Yeah that's like being like I'm a one-man party. It's like it's not really a party. No you're not a factory. No you're a guy. Yeah you're a man making things. You're a sad guy making rugs. I'm a factory. I'm not crazy. Alphen claimed his father received a diploma from Oxford University in electrical engineering. Invented an early electrical engine was a Shakespearean

actor and a preacher. So he was that's definitely true. I can't be. Of his mother Alphen wrote oh god it's awful when these women get hold of your of you. Oh god it's awful when these women get hold of you the poor devil had to become a preacher to marry her. Wait what's happening right now. What is that. That's something he wrote later about his mom and his dad. About his mom's his mom's dad. No about his mom and dad he clearly. So he. Okay he talked shit about his mom. But not his dad. No his dad was a preacher. Didn't want to be though had to do it because of his mom. Okay you know what this is fucking it's like he's

doing a an 80s comedy act about about marriage. Yeah yeah yeah my mother don't respect me. The only records of Alfred Lawson's early life are from his own writings. We'll find that Alfred calls Alfred Alfred a lot. It's not a red flag. And talks in the third person about him. Alfred's elementary school teachers said he was the most unruly pupil that had ever attended the school and that he believed there was but he believed he was there to instruct the teachers frequently questioning the teachers. We just stopped right there because when we were in our shared office an old travel agency up in La Cagnada. It's true the

USB travel agency. You came to this point and looked at me and says what do you call it when someone refers to themself by their own name. Oh yeah. I said third person you go no that's not right it's common misconception. People think because some that's gonna sum someone fucking told me and I think they were wrong. And I said was it the bi-weekly guy. No it could have been the bi it was it was our friend Josh Olson. Yeah now that guy's laughing because he's like I know that guy and I just fucking threw a friend out of the bus. Quit talking about him in third person. Yeah all right. Dave Anthony just threw Josh Olson under the

bus. Okay yeah are you good. Yeah. Now everyone has context what happened in the office. Yeah but you just made me feel like an asshole when I was sitting there because I immediately said third person you said no that's not right a lot of stupid people think that. No. Bye. I'm sorry Dave Anthony. It's all lies it's all lies. I give him massages. That's an appropriate reaction with Dave Anthony massage. I rub his buttocks with my tongue. That's that's not rubbing. Okay back to school. Alfred believed he was there to instruct the teachers frequently questioning the teacher's facts as lies. He sounds cool. He sounds like a

cool customer. Happy go lucky. Easy to teach. Fun in a class. Yeah easy to teach. Although what they were teaching was probably insane anyway. He was probably right. It's the fucking 1800s so it's just all bullshit. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah like a wizard does live in your heart Alfred enough stop at medical science. I don't care if your dad invented the one-man factory. Shut the fuck up. He's also a preacher. I mean a church. He had the first rug church. Life with classmates was one fist fight after another. He lived by the motto. His heart is breaking right now. He sounds like a fucking asshole. He's a fucking dick. He lived by the motto

be sure you are right or don't fight. So he's great. Then he left school at the age of 12. What more does he need to prove there? I mean shit. He sported himself with various jobs. Newsboy, shoe shine, painting furniture, barrel maker, farmhand, hotel bellhop, blacksmiths assistant and door-to-door sewing machine salesman. He literally sounds like a montage. Life is just a montage that ends up just surrounded by chain. Yeah yeah wait. Alfred Alfred. You didn't say vacuum cleaner did you? No sewing machine. Okay still. I don't. I'm often hear vacuum cleaner in my head. You okay Al?

Alfred wrote of Alfred. The mother of Alfred Lawson that's how he writes. He writes his full name. Right. The mother of Alfred Lawson persuaded him to go to an industrial school to learn a trade when he was about 13 years of age. While there he learned to make coats and design clothing. He completed the trade school when about 17 years of age. That's what Alfred said. But the Detroit Free Press reported that on April 30th, 1882 when he was 14 he was sentenced to reform school until 18 years of age for larceny. But both can't be true. You have no idea what's happening. He got out of reform school in 1887. Alfred started pitching for a local

baseball team. Well that always ends well. In dollop episodes. He pitched against a league team in a game and won with a 2-0 shutout. He was then approached by the league team manager and offered a contract. He pitched around Indiana and Illinois for the next three years and by 1890 was hired by a minor league team called the Wilmington Delaware. They were called the Delaware's? They just they just named themselves. They said they were like let's call ourselves the Wilmington Delaware which is a place. But that's what they went with. What about the Giants? No we're the Wilmington. We're the Delaware's. No just

Delaware. Okay. The Wilmington every evening newspaper. That's the terrible name. Horrible. Bad name for a team. Bad name for a paper. Extra extra. We're bad at naming. The newspaper reported on Alfred's pitching describing him as a phenomenon. As they as they watched him pitch from February to March before the season started. On opening day in April. April second. Sorry. 500 fans plus the mayor city council members and the governor were there to watch his minor league debut. Wow. Yeah. All right. Lost six to two. Shame. Then he pitched into 12 to one loss to Syracuse on April 19th to 15 to zero loss. After three more losses he

was released by the team. Why? Character issues. Yep. Yep. You wanted to time that sip right? And that just got it. It didn't work. On May 6th he signed with the Boston Bean Eaters. At least they're trying. Yeah. What should we call ourselves? The Boston Massachusetts. He was let go after pitching one game. He then pitched two games for Pittsburgh. Lost horribly and that was that. Next he began managing teams. Why? Wait. How does that happen? You go to the top. Can you teach my team to suck? Come on boys. I've been horrible for like two weeks. He got a bunch of players together named them the Al Lawson's American All-Stars. Wait. Wait. But wait. But they are a regular team.

When has anyone ever named a team like that? That's genius. Genius. Yeah. We're the All-Stars. Well what about the All-Star team? Sorry, bro. Taken. Fuck it. Just came straight out with it. They're the All-Stars. Yeah. We're the All-Stars. And he went on a tour of Cuba. They lost all but one of the six games. Rumors swore that the team was frequently drunk in Cuba and through games. When questioned by reporters Alfred reply, no sir. I want to say that my boys behave themselves at all times and any talk you may have heard about them throwing three games on purpose is rot. Such a specific rebuttal. Oddly, oddly specific number. Yeah. Like you think we threw three of those games?

He's like, no. I was saying five. Wait. Why? Did you just throw three? What? No. That woman wanted it. Why did you get that number? Crazy. You're crazy. Are you looking in my head? Drugs up my ass? What? Nobody said that. What? Alfred's baseball career continued for nine more years. How? Really? How? What like? Baseball was like just starting so I guess you could just suck everywhere. It's like when an actor is not good but was in something good and then works for like ten more years just because he's like. Most actors? I mean sorry. All actors. It's like when all actors. So he traveled around California, Spokane, Atlanta. He did a world tour in 1893 to England, South Africa, Australia,

New Zealand, Honolulu. He even set up an amateur baseball clubs in Australia. Really? Yeah. There's actually newspaper reports. Well they were in a stable place at that time as we know. Then at 28 years old, Alfred realized that he was falling into bad shape. Smoking, drinking, rich foods, made his body fall apart and he became unhappy. So. Now he knows how everyone around him felt. So he quote, shook off the vile habits and like magic all of his physical and mental ailments left him. Yeah it's crazy when you do stop drinking every day and smoking cigarettes. You tend to feel better. I don't know what it is but I feel a little different today. I haven't drink nine beers,

smoked or ate in all that pig. So what to do with this new knowledge? Well how about. New knowledge is to just not be a shithead. How about write a novel? Great. Oh boy. Born again was published in 1904. It was a utopian fantasy with a complicated plot. Oh boy. And characters that had the same name. That's why the plot was complicated. It's the best way to complicate any story. We're all Alfreds. I'm a Lawson. It was reviewed as quote one of the worst works of fiction ever printed. Something. You guys can tell he's going places. I just love how he doesn't give a fuck. He's going to countries teaching me how to play bass. 28 years old. I'm gonna write a book. I have failed

at baseball and I'm an alcoholic and I should write a book. I know one name it's time to write a book. One human name I know. Alfred entered the cabin and said hello Alfred. Alfred took Alfred's jacket and sat down while Alfred massaged Alfred. More Alfreds were coming over later. Alfred thought to himself as Alfred and his Alfred's wife Alfred finished the turkey in the oven. Little Alfred was sick that winter. That didn't bother Alfred. Not that Alfred the other Alfred from earlier. Not that one the other one. Is this a book? Is anyone reading this? Alfred thought so he could write and he had no experience with planes. Well now that's gonna suggest that planes are about to become a thing he's into. Alfred founded a magazine called Fly in 1908. Wait before knowing how to

fly? I didn't know how to fly. He had no aeronautical knowledge. He just went I like I guess planes is a thing now. It's 1908. What I think flying is the magazine. Every article by Alfred and a forward by Alfred. Glenn Curtis had just achieved a one-mile flight and the Wright brothers had made their first public demonstration so why not start a magazine? I mean that's real early in the game. It just happened I got to get in on this. Do you want to see LaserDisc the magazine? I got a good feeling about this. Fly was very successful. Well it wasn't. What? It wasn't. It was. Oh it was. Holy shit he did something right. You were like finally correct you there because everything up to this point. This shouldn't be happening right now. Fly took off. Let's see. In a year it had a

circulation of 6,000 a month. He then sold fly to someone who made an offer, moved to New York, and started a magazine called Aircraft. Didn't the guy who bought it have like a no compete clause? Okay thank you. I hope your life works out. I have fly. I'm also starting fly. Wait what? Read that contract asshole. Within a few months Aircraft was recognized as the leading authority upon aeronautics in America. But he doesn't know anything right? Who cares? Can't a man succeed? He was issuing 14,000 copies a month in November 1910. Alfred actually coined the term aircraft. He not aircraft. Wait he was in Germany for a minute. He's an aircraft. Aircraft. He not only came up with the term aircraft but he trademarked it. That and airliner. He predicted that quote the

flying machine would carry more than 50 people, would be able to stay in the air for five days, and be capable of crossing oceans. The magazine had articles for the average reader like why ladies are and should be interested in ballooning. Yeah and normal yeah. Sorry ladies the plane's a little crazy for you. You should be in a basket under a big bulbous thing. Get in this helium basket lady. And how to build a gilding machine. A factory. A one man. He believed that quote the time will come when all national boundaries are wiped out and there is but one people left in the world. Aerial flight will be a big factor in breaking down these foolish national barriers which cause men to fight each other like wild beasts and will help you help to unite them in

one big family. Airplanes. Yeah that's right. There's a there's a country boundary here but we're free. No more countries. No more countries would just be really weird. No there's a thing in the sky. We are all the same. Now it's not aircraft it's aircraft. From a 1930-13 article in Aircraft quote flying will develop a superior quality in mankind as far in advance of the present man as the present man is in advance of the ape. Sorry not his best stuff. Yeah. It's messed up. No not his best stuff. We've heard better from Alfred which is really saying something. By the year 3000 a superior type of man. I mean what a fucking asshole to go to the year like back to the future was like had balls to go to 2015 this guy's like in the year 3000. That's great when

you can hear a faucet turn on after a joke you know things weren't good. That was just a guy going to a superior type of man will have begun the alti man a superhuman who will live in the upper stratus of the atmosphere and never come down to earth at all. An alti man. Yeah. That's not happening right now. This is this is we don't know years away. That's the good thing about a prediction like that a nice buffer when you die that nobody can call you on. No who can call him out on it. Men will live in space alti man. Regular men will be earthbound. There'll be no countries and everyone will be named Alfred. All right. Alfred learned to fly in 1913. He became the first airplane commuter in the country to fly his own plane flying 35 miles from New Jersey

to Manhattan. When the U.S. entered World War One in 1917 Alfred secured financing for an aircraft plant in Green Bay Wisconsin. Fuck yeah he did. Yeah. I like the Green Bay Packers a lot. Well you're from you're from up there. Milwaukee. Right. That's up there. Why is this so awkward. It feels like you just got weird. I did. I think people are expecting something funny instead of like a like a strange factual. I'm the straight man. I don't understand. She took that bait. You're very vocal my dear. What did she yell out. Yeah right. No way. I was out. Alfred made two fighter plane prototypes for the War Department but orders for the Lawson armored battler were rejected. He wrote letters to Congress throughout 1918 urging an immediate increase of a billion dollars in

funding for aviation. That's like all the money back. And a little bit for hot air balloons for the ladies. These are man planes. Yeah. In his fourth letter to Congress then before he proposed stationing steamships with designed flat tops across the Atlantic Ocean to fight flight planes over to Europe claiming it can be operational in four months. That's a good idea. It's not a bad idea. It's an air he's talking about aircraft carriers which they got to be considering letter number four. Yeah. I mean there's a solid idea. This one's not bad you guys. The first the first three the billion dollars shit. But I think we do some flat shit out there. Quote flat shit out there. The war ended though. Shit. I know. There'll be more. Yep. Don't you worry Alfie baby. Lawson

aircraft reorganized into Lawson airplane company and the Lawson airline transportation company. The company's first passenger plane built was the first built specifically for commercial passenger travel. It had two four hundred horsepower engines holding two pilots and 16 passengers all seated in upholstered upholstered wicker chairs. Luxury. Right. Nice wicker seats. Get on that plane after a long commute. Just get some wicker in the wicker. Just getting some little burn quick. Yeah. Yeah. Some of the shit hits the fan that you won't have to wait around to plan for anything. You'll be gone. Wicker. One of the airplane designer. It's light. It's the only thing he's done that's made sense. I get that it's light. I get that it's

light but it's still wicker. Yeah. Aluminum's light. All right. What do you do next. Welcome to Anthony Madrigal material showdown. What about feathers. One of the airplane designers Vincent Bernelli described Alfred as quote perhaps the craziest man I ever knew. He was a he was a wiry megalomaniac filled with nervous energy. He didn't need alcohol to get high. His ego kept in floating in the clouds. He was a cross between a crackpot and a genius. That's loaded. That is loaded. Yeah. I don't know what I mean. It's concerning. Alfred was trying to establish landing fields across the country for coast to coast trips. He wanted a hundred planes carrying 26 passengers on 36 hour trips. He

intended to build sleepers so that people flying from New York to California could sleep like on a train. Beds and nails. Right. Yep. Some nice sit into sleep. The Arizona Republic published a photo on October 1 1920. Edgar Croft. What. What I say. Yeah. People say first. Oh my God. You fucking pedantic assholes. I mean how are you not all Twitter right now. It's not. What. You can't block in real life. I didn't know. I should I should have written first. You're right. But I wrote a one. I apologize for ruining the podcast. Edgar Croft. A newspaper reporter. This is a photo. Edgar Croft. What day was this

on October 1st. A newspaper reporter was shaving himself with a straight edge razor while flying on a Lawson airline. Wow. Jesus. Mr. Croft said that he found it much easier to shave himself on a modern Lawson airliner traveling at 120 miles an hour than he did shaving himself on a railroad train moving at 40 miles an hour. What about regular land. Why is he even rolling the dice. I mean where. It's such a better shave on the plane. Because when I was on that railroad car I had to get sketches all over my face. Who is like testing that. What about. It's not easy to shave on either. Hey have you thought about shaving when you get there. No. No. No. No. Of course not. I'm out of

my mind. Time for the balls. I'll only shave my balls in a hot air balloon. Mr. Croft's catch phrase was time for the balls. Wow. What. That happens. I'm good. I actually got into your computer. Shower bath laboratories and all modern conveniences would be on the planes. In 1919 Alfred scored a post office contract to deliver mail by plane. Contracts for three air mail routes for six hundred and eighty five thousand dollars a year were awarded. Each plane would carry fifteen hundred pounds of mail per trip besides the passengers. The first trip of Lawson Airlines took off on May 8th 1921 from the Great Falls Tribute with one of its wings hitting a tree on the takeoff. Did anybody else see that coming a mile away.

I knew those people were dead in the second. He mentioned something positive happened. And everyone's dead. That fucking dude shaving is gone. Not on takeoff Larry. So that's not what's crazy. Trains don't hit. With one of its wings hitting a tree on takeoff of what was to be the maiden trip the Lawson airliner midnight liner deluxe valued at seventy five thousand dollars crashed 50 feet to the ground Sunday. Four passengers including Alfred Lawson escaped uninjured. What happened to the mail. Yeah. Don't bury the lead. The mail was lost. The crash caused his financial backers to withdraw their support. Lawson Aircraft Company was declared bankrupt in 1922.

He did try to revive it 1926 with the idea of a double-decker airplane to carry more passengers. No. Well you know the first one. You know the first one crashed. This one's going to be bigger. Smart. He also tried to create a New York to D.C. double-decker bus route patent trying to patent the double-decker bus but nothing materialized. Then Alfred started writing books. Not again. Rather in pitch. The first two volumes of Lawson Lawson Lawson under me. Lawson and me. Lawson of me. Lawson of me. Lawson of me. Like astronomy but Lawson of me. Oh. Lawson. That's. That's really good. The first two volumes of Lawson of me were self-published. He turned his attention to economics philosophy and education. Finally. Lawson. Lawson of me is

the knowledge of life and everything pertaining thereto. Lawson me is based upon life as it is and not upon a theory of what it ought to be. Theory as a spouse by so-called wise men and self-styled scholars has no place in Lawson of me. Everything must be provable or reasonable or it is not Lawson of me. Lawson treats of things as they are and not as they pretended to be. Facts not fancies. Truth not falsity. Knowledge not notions. It is the foundation of Lawson of me. How old is he there? Like thirty-two? Yeah, he's around there. You gotta throw fair and balanced on that list too. He thought people like Albert Einstein were full of shit. Yeah. Finally someone's taken the big dog down. Fuck that dude. I'm with Al. Fred. Not you. I mean

I'm on your side as well. I get it. Thank you. Anyway. Well he was the anti-Alfred in his opinion. Oh right. Yeah. There is no greater load. I'm still quoting. There is no greater load of misconception than the unprovable theory that somewhere somehow and in some shape there exists a substance called energy that causes movement. No such thing exists. We know he's right now. Instead of energy, Alford believed there is a constant push-pull battle between things with high density and low density. So materials with high density move towards the ones with less density. This created suction and pressure. For example. I'm excited for this example. We are able to see because our eyes draw light with suction.

So everybody also agrees he's clearly back on the sauce. That was a fun month when he was off. He was like I'm out of ideas. Gravity was also the pull of the earth suction. Suction. Lawson's theory of suction and pressure was something he discovered at the age of four. When he was calling his mama cunt and hitting teachers. At the age of four when he noticed blowing on dust pushed it away while inhaling it brought it closer. The story there is he was just inhaling dust. Like a baby genius. Alford what are you doing? I'm doing physics. It is possible that Alford got his ideas and understanding of physics from his father who in the three years before Alford's birth spent all his time trying to make

a perpetual motion machine. It's always the dad. Sometimes the mom but usually the dad. It's just great to know that he worked on a project that he could just never solve. He was just like I'll get this. One day I'm gonna do it. It's just gonna keep on going. Forever. Forever. Watch Alford. Get away from the dust. Actually get the corners. Now as far as the planet earth goes the planet is swimming in ether while the earth is made of less ether. Since less ether is not as dense as ether it creates suction through a hole at the north pole. So earth nutrients go in through the hole and enter the arteries of the earth which then

distribute the nutrients all over the planet. Then they are eventually shot out of the earth's butthole the south pole. I made that term up but it seems appropriate. It seems very it is a butthole. If it's at the bottom and stuff's coming out of it it's technically a butthole. You can't be shitting on Santa. I mean you got to shit somewhere. Right. Thank you. Go out the other end. Hey when the earth gets food poisoning too. Are you familiar with earth buttholes? Yeah go ahead that's whatever that's sort of how I taught my kids. Yeah how to refer and respect to the planet. I use buttholes for everything. That's actually a book you wrote right. Buttholes for everything. Everything's

a butthole. And then there was poverty and economics. Alfred wanted everyone to be given a direct credit from the government. These direct credits would be used instead of cash as evidence of ownership of land products and labor. This way everyone would be able to prosper. The poor would be fed and educated and everyone's talents would be realized. Wait why though? Because he went to demolition man money? Because everyone gets credits instead of money. I mean it is the same thing. It's money. But everybody gets credits. They're just different. They're not based on gold it's just you get a credit. Based on nothing. It takes a crazy theory to be like there might be something to that earth butthole thing. Walk me back

through that one. That one seemed like it was a little grounded. The idea of direct credits caught on. While it was scornfully called a movement of milkmen which referred to its uniforms the direct credit society swept the Midwest. In parades in Detroit in 1933 in Cleveland in 34 in St. Louis in Milwaukee. Well we followed Cleveland's lead bro so not our fault. Fuck you on that if you're trying to throw the don't you dare. Thousands in white uniforms with red sashes and caps with lasonomy on the visor marched alongside floats with slogans such as all nations need direct credits for little children and feeble old folk. Is this a parade? What is this? What am I watching over here? They graduate from heaven? What's happening?

Other signs like leader of the world's greatest economic movement. These were preceded by marching bands playing the anthems. Hark to Lawson. Songs of Lawsonomy and a passenger of truth. No Lawson pun there huh? The direct credit society had military ranks for members. Each new member would begin as a corporal and after signing up 50 new members they would advance to sergeant. So Elron Hubbard heard this and was like let's go. They all have to sell soap to their moms and then if you sign up to a hundred you become a lieutenant and 250 captain and so on and so forth. Lawson claimed 75,000 officers in 1934 in a total of a million members by 1936. No dues but donations were paid to Lawson's Humanity Benefactor Foundation. One former officer recalled

later my family gave Lawson 8,000 over 10 years that's the reason we don't have a home. Should have managed his credits better. In this economy with those credits? What do you want buddy? Others cashed in their insurance policy, sold their farms, stores and cemetery plots to contribute. What do we have left? Selling a cemetery plot in that time as we've learned is not good. That's just like take the bodies and fuck them and eat their hearts and do whatever the fuck you want. Well there are a lot of vampires. A newspaper was started called The Benefactor. The paper once claimed a circulation of more than six million which cannot be verified. Claiming shit's fun.

The Benefactor quote, the people of the U.S. have turned over their money system to the financiers and these tricksters use this money as a medium to defraud the people by making them pay tribute for the use of it and thereby they are enabled to not only swindle the American worker but it also enables them to actually make slaves of the people themselves on account of indebtedness. So he's right. He's nailed it. Yep. That's a real Fox News vibe about it. They're crazy. Watch us. In 1939 Lawson published a volume of lasonomy called The Almighty. So he's stabilizing. The Almighty was a little more religious. Quote, the ape man as God views him is not a creature of which to feel proud.

About every two thousand years a new teacher with advanced intellectual equipment appears upon earth to lead the people a step or two nearer to one god of everybody. Previous teachers lacked knowledge concerning the physical, mental and mechanical laws to establish their teachings upon a sound and lasting basis. Oh dear. Who could do this job? I'd love to hear who he nominates. The name was in his first novel. Really? I mean, they're all so good. I don't even remember the first one. Let me know who he picks. Alfred. Yes, the guy who claimed his birth was, quote, the most momentous occurrence since the birth of mankind. It's like when you have to write a bio for yourself. It's like super uncomfortable.

Bio is an interesting thing. Anyway. I wish people could relate to that, but most people don't write bios. You guys, you guys know when you're writing your bio. You gotta write a bio in the third. You gotta be like, Gareth Reynolds is from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It'd be like real sad when you send it. Like someone else wrote that shit. Well, now you can write the most momentous occurrence since the birth of mankind. May I have the job? By 1943, Lawson had penned over 50 volumes of lasonomy. Oh God. And then he raised over $100,000 and bought an abandoned college on November 30th, 1943. The Des Moines University of Lasonomy was incorporated as a nonprofit. Somebody abandoned a college in Des Moines? Fuck it. We're done. Get out of here.

That's fantastic. Should we sell it? No. Walk away. Go, get out of here. Someone will take it. Who said to do this in Des Moines? This town is boring. June 18, 1944. It was announced the university would enroll a limited number of students. Applicants must be free from all mental and moral defects, including such habits as liquor drinking, tobacco smoking, gambling, dancing, and face painting. Right? Face painting is the gateway. Next thing you know, you're dancing. I mean, I started with just two stripes in the morning. And then next thing I did, I was blowing dudes and doing heroin. It's just straight to that. I used to paint my nose red alone in my place. Now I'm an alcoholic. And the college would operate a maternity hospital

with a nursery where newborn infants would be brought into the world and taught lasonomy from the day they were born. This is real. Tell me about the suction. Now, which one of these poles is the asshole? Point to it. Okay, you shit. That's pressure. To get into the university, one had to be, quote, conversant with lasonomy literature and pass a rigid examination concerning its principles. A student described classes. You study, lawson's books, read, and recite from the books. Cool. So that sounds good. Glad they abandoned that place. No other books were allowed. Yeah. Well, why would they be?

When the basketball team brought in a rule book about basketball. No, no. He had to write the rule book for basketball? Who's starting Alfred? After 30 years of study, the degree of knowledge would be awarded. 30 years of college? After 30 years of college, you'd get a degree of knowledge, knowledge, knowledgeian. Knowledgeian? Knowledgeian. I wish he made up words that are easier to say. Knowledgeian. You are now a knowledgeian. In laudonomy. Welcome. Lasonomy. The point is. Neighbors living nearby complained about a tall fence that was built around the university.

You mean the prison? They also were awoken every morning by bugle calls, and were concerned about the young boys seen working on the grounds from sunup to late in the evening wondering how the university avoided child labor loss. The fence. Don't worry, we're good over here. Don't ask any questions. Neighbors were also intrigued by the disappearance of the school's coal smoke. Alfred believed it was healthier to bury this smoke than to let it escape from the chimneys. We're all thinking what? You know what? You guys are all like, what are you talking about?

Because you don't know shit about laudonomy. Or laudonomy. The smoke stacks were capped and the smoke disappeared. Alfred did try unsuccessfully to patent his Lawson's smoke evaporator. When asked how it worked, he chuckled. Any more questions? Everyone wants to know about it, but not until I get it patented. I'm a fucking asshole. In 1943, Lawson, now 74 years old, married a 29-year-old woman.

Oh, he finally did something wrong. He's done so much shit. I'm serious, with the way this is going, what do you think is gonna fucking happen? What are they gonna talk about? Not buying it. Wicker on airplane while shaving? I'm in. Earth's anus? I'm listening. That's quite an age difference. Now.

By the way, they had a kid. All right, now I'm back with you guys. A.K. another janitor. Scrub the smokeless chimney. Right. He maimed his son after the character in his novel. Yeah, that's a better way to put it all the time. He's named after the main character in my novel, all the characters in my novel. My name, everyone's Alfred.

But the marriage did not sit well with many of his flock. It was followed by a, quote, wholesale exodus of major generals from the organization. Oh, God, what are they gonna do without the generals? They've recruited so many, they're so smart. But Alfred announced that about 700 generals asked him to stay as commander-in-chief. Well, that story checks out, no need to dig on that one. Validation enough. The benefactor reported in 1950 that 1,000 churches were being planned for cities in the Midwest.

By the mid-1950s, there were seven outside of the university. The services did not include prayer as Lasonian law, as Lasonian God acted only through natural law and did not interfere in ape-man affairs. I mean, okay, I don't understand it, keep going. Readings and sermons were taken from lasonomy books. Sermons were ended with, thus sayeth Alfred Lawson. It's so easy to start a religion. It's just crazy.

You could be a fucking idiot apparently. Yeah, you just gotta be like, I printed a lot of things. Get in here, lock that door. We bury smoke, these are your generals. Anybody here about Cuba? Good. No, all right, great. We're gonna get along famously. Hymns sung included, be a knowledge, a lot, knowledgey, and be a knowledgey, and oh God.

And they were like sung as hymns, right? Yep, lasonomy will envelop the earth, and we give thanks for lasonomy. And we give thanks for lasonomy. I would just love to hear those. One, just one here. Yeah. Just top to bottom, the whole fucking thing. We are all lasonomy.

Oh, reading from the book, the new guy's like, what's going on? I want to hear the, be a knowledgey, and everyone's like, now knowledgey, now knowledgey. Be a knowledgey. On April 11th, 1951, two Iowa State representatives were turned away after attempting to visit the University of Lasonomy. They got as far as the hallway before an official told them to quote, write a letter if you want any information. Write four of them if we don't write back.

City and county assessors for years had encountered difficulty obtaining tax information. One representative described the institution as Des Moines Iron Curtain. That's something you put on a postcard right there. It's bragging rights. Come down to Des Moines Iron Curtain. Come on down. March, 1952, was reported that the government was looking into the sales of surplus war machine tools that had been sold to the University of Lasonomy.

Oh, shit. Well, don't get to it. With the understanding that they would be used for educational purposes, the tools had been bought at cost for $3,691 and sold for more than $116,000. Alfred, now 82, was given a summons to appear before a Senate Small Business Committee. 82? Like he's crazy at like 15. At 82, you're like, sweet God.

He's got old person crazy and God given crazy. He appeared on... I mean, Alfred given crazy. He appeared at the Senate Committee on March 22nd and amphatically denied that he personally profited from the sale of the tools. He shouted angrily at the Senate members saying, the University taught lasonomy, music, theology, and other things. So there were no more questions from the Senate.

It's a legit category. And other things. I actually got a degree in other things from Santa Barbara. And then you can get a really good stuff's degree from UCLA. Yeah. I majored in other things for 30 years. I'm a general. Not a big deal.

I don't want to freak everyone out, but I'm a general. 30 years studying other things. The machine tools, he said, were used to teach lasonomy, which he described as, quote, knowledge of life and everything that pertains there to the biggest and best machines the world had ever known. Alfred said he knew some of the tools had been sold, but he said, but he had no idea how much the school got for them. I don't go into these details.

I'm thinking great, great philosophical thoughts for the benefit of mankind. Don't need this shit. You and your fucking Senate. I, my brain is working. Can you see? Hello. Alfred said the school's president is a man named Hater. Wow.

He's ahead of his time. Whose first name he was unable to remember. He's 82 and pissed and crazy. Like it's going to be awkward as fuck. Sure. Hater, I don't know his first name. I'm thinking thoughts. Aberdeen Stagenasso.

Quote, I have had probably two million names float through my brain the last 20 years. I can't think of all these little things. I've written 50 books already in the past 20 years and that wears on your memory. That is the best thing to say when you forget someone's name. Like, I've learned too many names. I have said that. I've actually met you before. Sorry, bro.

At some point, all you see is consonants. Alfred's attempts to explain lasonomy to the senators were confusing. So there's other quotes besides the ones you read, right? Those are pretty clear. As he left, he called the experience, the damnedest thing I've ever heard in all my life. A senator responded, I don't know whether you're talking about the same thing, but I'm inclined to agree with you. It's crazy when you're on a senator's side.

You're like, that guy's awesome. Then an officer of the university testified that a $150,000 profit on the machine tools went for university expenses. The IRS revoked the university's non-profit status, and Alfred Lawson was forced to auction his school to a developer who turned it into a shopping mall. All was over. Alfred Lawson, founder of Lasonomy, died November 29, 1954, of a heart attack in San Antonio, Texas, in a hotel at 85 years old.

In 1955, the university was being razed when construction workers found 300-foot-long tunnels leading from the boiler room, where a fan blew the smoke from the power plant through the tunnels, and up into vents, the openings to the outside were covered with shrubbery. The smoke evaporator! He's just pumping smoke into... Yeah, instead of out the smoke stacks, he just tunneled it through bushes. How, how, how could he possibly... I don't know, but he couldn't get a patent for it.

When you have enough little kids... I'm working for you, you really can accomplish a tremendous amount. Yeah, it was just like busy work, he's like, dig tunnels! Dig Tommy, dig! The Humanity Benefactor Foundation owned a farm in Wisconsin where the University of Lasonomy was then relocated in 1956. Four students, university officers and caretakers, lived on the farm for years, and around 100 students will hold a reunion there once a year. In 1979, you are absolutely correct in having that reaction to this fucking crazy story,

because it's super close to us. But let's all think about, also, when we started on March 24th, 1869, that the impact that this guy is having after he's fucking dead, and none of us are gonna do that. Not one person in here is gonna have the same effect, so he might be just bat shit fucking crazy. A former baseball player who went on to write a magazine on the industry he knew nothing about, started a fucking religion, but that religion somehow went on to 1979.

So I don't know what we're about to hear, but this is incredible. This is second. What do you got? Well, in 1979, nine degrees of knowledgeean were awarded to mostly people in their 80s and 90s who had been studying for over 30 years. It's graduation. Yeah. We forgot about those people.

It was poor to me. I totally forgot about them too. Take their little thing. They said it wouldn't be worth it. I cannot get a job. I can't get a job. This job market is terrible. My degree, well, my specialty is on the earth's butthole.

Let me finish. Oh, I was finished. Sorry. The Chicago Reader, June 18. The Chicago Reader's good. In 1998. It's fucking horrible when the crazy shit from the 1800s gets this close to us, isn't it? A sign bannered across a fence facing interstate 94 about a mile south of the first exit to Racine, Wisconsin.

Oh, God. That reads University of Lasonomy. There are a few signs of life in the empty fields along the road. But on one farm, Merle and Margie Hayden live in the house. Merle directs the university. Marge is 79 and Merle is 78. Both began following Lawson when they were teenagers. You know what?

Listen. You guys are going to hop from fucking job to job. But these people found something and they hooked into it and this is a very satisfying life. I think we all know what we need to do. Who's really crazy in this story? Think about that, gang. They are not the last living Losonomous in the world. That's fucking crazy.

How many Losonomous are there in the world? Not enough, he answers. Merle conducts monthly meetings. I mean four. Four is the answer. Guys, tonight hashtag Losonomy. And we're going to bring this back. Hashtag.

Hashtag Losonomy. We're trending. We're trending. I don't know what it is. We're doing it though. Everybody's saying it. Merle conducts monthly meeting with his students. But there are no resident students.

Losonomy is a home study course now, given free of charge. I mean. Because you can just find it online. To earn a degree. Is it University of Phoenix? Is that what it is? Strong vibe. To earn a degree certifying a graduate as a knowledgian,

still takes 30 years. I can't explain all the stuff in an afternoon, says Merle. Who is a knowledgerian? Are those the two options? Can you do it in an afternoon? Can you do it in 30 years? Let's go with that one then. But you know, if it's like three minutes a day.

I think you're putting in. It's just like the eight minute abs of your mind. No! It comes out of the earth's butthole! Study again! Nobody forgot that fact. You were like, well, I got the one I'll remember. The South Pole is an anus.

Merle is a knowledgian. I've been studying it for more than 50 years myself. Jesus. Reported on March 3rd, 2015. Hold on, hold on, take it easy, take it easy. It's not what you think. Just Merle's dead. A Kickstarter campaign to make the film Last of the Losonomous

following Merle Hayden, the last crusading member of Losonomy, raised $16,000 in 2013. Too much. A $10,000 grant from the Wisconsin Humanities Council will be used for post-production costs with the film, with the goal of a film festival premiere later this year. That's actually what we're going to show you right now. We're going to show you.

Yeah, with the guys. I'm going to start it up. Merle, why don't you come out? Merle's here. Yeah, the film. That would be the best way to do it. By the way, we're on a ship and we're in Des Moines. We've been flying there the whole time.

How's everyone enjoying the wicker? Anyway, that's Losonomy. I'll put up a trailer for the movie on Facebook. That's it? It's over? Yeah. Okay. Thank Alfred.

Jesus. This thing's really doing my head in now. You're going to wake up tonight in the middle of the night and be like, there's something about that stuff I heard. You're going to Des Moines. Let's all go to the mall. It'd be great to start doing it through the mall now. I guess the stores are like,

you ever wonder what the polls are? You like those sweaters? I was just going to say, what do you ever wonder what the polls really are? Come in the back room real quick. Well, you guys, thank you for coming out. Thank you to Al Madrigal for joining us. Thanks to Gary Reynolds.

Gary. I've been Dave Anthony. Zach was on sound. I'll just jump in. Thank you.