The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 104 - The Hippo Bill

Episode Date: August 9, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds discuss The Hippo Bill, The Black Panther, and Frederick Burnham.  SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH  

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host you're listening to the dollop this is a bi-weekly podcast listen someone sent a tweet saying that bi-weekly was

not right then we recorded three episodes and the whole thing was like bi-weekly is off the table it turns out that person was fucking wrong and needs to pick up a dictionary bi-weekly in Webster's and other dictionaries all over the world agrees bi-weekly is twice a week or it can mean every other week so suck it that's the reality I'm not gonna say semi-weekly thanks for all your ideas it's bi-weekly I was right back off anyway this is a bi-weekly podcast. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is about I didn't even say the part where I read you a story I'm ready whenever not Gary Gareth Dave

okay someone or something is tickling people is it for fun and this is not gonna come to tickly podcast okay you are queen fakie of made-up town all hell queen shit of lies though a bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do my frame nobody may 11 1861 boy you're right yeah that's just that was you got me on that one Frederick Russell Barnum was born in Minnesota okay a year later from their log cabin his parents watch as the sky turned red as a nearby town was set on fire so we're jumping right in the Lakota Wars had begun okay you love the Lakota Wars yeah it's one of your favorites I've always said the Lakotas

are one of my favorite wars yeah the town was burned down hundreds of people are killed in the Lakota Wars okay it's not it's not a fun war on behalf of the dollop we're sorry sorry the Dakota War I call the Dakota War yeah anyway the Lakota yeah well the Dakota the Lakota are from Dakota yeah but that actually the Lakota tax started the Dakota War to me a lot of poetry his dad was a Presbyterian minister okay so a year later his dad was away a year after the town was on fire so look if things if if there's gonna be a town burned to the ground go ahead and leave your kids and your wife in a remote cabin absolutely

saying goes his mother Rebecca was happened to be standing at the door and she's brushing her hair so she's standing at the door brushing her hair so mentally she's in a good spot and then she saw Lakota Warriors coming out of the forest you know getting in position they're gonna do some business that's time to put the brush down so she really quickly she she knew that she wasn't gonna survive if she tried to run with a little two-year-old Frederick you know uh-huh it's two-year-olds yeah it's hard to carry I'll be honest they leave him get out yeah you leave about yourself you can have another one what

she did she grabbed him and she slipped him into a pile of a freshly shucked corn okay right in the middle and she said don't fucking move did he know that command well she said don't move be quiet don't make a sound I would imagine at this age at two-year-old that the the Indians are coming is the same thing as don't touch that plug yeah but still I mean it might just be that we're dealing with like better behave two-year-old yeah it's possible so then she ran for it and she made it to a neighbor's house about six miles away close to what a name is that's not it's not a neighbor's neighbors used to be

six miles well my neighbor I'm gonna go get some milk that's another town she spent the night there came back in the morning cabin is completely burned down nothing left just a heap of nothing but there was Fred Frederick sitting right in the green corn right where she left him because the fire the fire and burn the corn because it was green right and he just stayed quiet and the the Indians were like we gonna have maze we don't need more corn get it out and we don't need that let me go near the corn seven years later Frederick's dad was injured and he punctured a lung and so the family moved to Los Angeles that's you

know that's you've heard it a million times but that because the weather was the weather is better here for punctured lungs in case anybody ever know this is a great heat for a punctured lung if you have a hole in your lung get out here for summers because oh god there's a whole punctured lung hotel oh it's great it's the punctured hotel still he didn't last long and he died a couple years after they got here that's Fred's mom went back east okay she was like I can't do this anymore Fred stayed in Los Angeles you just put him in corn again she's like stay in the corn mom is going east he delivered telegrams Western Union on

horseback okay so he would do that day and night like it was one of the situations where you would hop on a horse you would ride until that horse was toast and then you'd get to the next station you'd hop on another horse and you'd go there was that kind of you just keep going until you got the message to where it needed to be Jesus you probably made like a buck I didn't realize I didn't realize it was so lucrative so he was 13 years old she says 30 it's a different time it's a time when you you look at your 13 year old and go I'm moving back east you want to come with me no and have a real job so at 14 some

he had some religious members of his family who were a little bit worried about living alone out there in Los Angeles and that he was gonna go to hell so my relatives have the same worried yeah they should David so they summoned him they said come on out to live with us in Iowa we're gonna put you on the right path he gave it a shot was not down with the boring life in a small town so one night he stole a canoe and headed down the mighty missus sip well he probably hated the corn too yeah he's probably memories corn just makes me tired I don't like corn I just sit still around it yeah shit all right you

guys go ahead I'm gonna be in this field not making a noise okay now he's left Iowa and he's just headed down the Mississippi so he he stops and he goes on foot and he makes his way to Texas look it's a kid he's 14s didn't you do this when you were 14 14 he makes his way to Texas he runs into some old frontiersmen who he starts hanging out with I mean it's like this is what you did oh it's also like what grown men are like come here 14 year old you're in the fold a 14 year old to a grown man is like another grown man back then it's true but hey what's up how are you you're not as young as you

used to be an old scouts took a like into Frederick and started teaching him how to be a scout be like a scout as far as like scouting land as far as like scouts would go out and like do stuff like make sure the the territory ahead was safe so they kind of they would look for certain things right the water where's the like all that shit right they kind of like there's sort of like a GPS back much like a GPS sure their version of ways yeah yeah okay now I now I see what's happening so that guy took Frederick out on a six-month trip through the desert and taught him the craft of scouting sounds like a fucking

nightmare good time between the old man and other frontiersmen Fred became a great scout next he taught himself to shoot okay got himself a pistol practice over and over again until he was good enough to shoot a cork into the air and then shoot it while I was still in the air wow that's pretty good shoot a cork into the air and then he put the cork like on a on a fence post shoot it shoot it airbar cork he'd reshoot again so he's basically doing his own like clay pigeons he's basically a circus okay the most difficult thing about being a scout was getting used to being alone they always worked alone the most

difficult thing I was dealing with hunger right what they just wouldn't get couldn't eat well your your cruise like sometimes when you're scouting you're amongst the enemy so you're just slithering on your belly and you can't get up and go I'm gonna have a sandwich I mean I'm sure you can listen I'm just saying you put me in that time I'm not going hungry I'll have like pocket sandwiches and I'll figure out a way to do it yeah but your pocket Sammy goes bad after a while well how long days days wait you're just on the ground for days he's a fucking scout see I'm thinking that scouts sort of is like

alright guys I'm gonna trot up ahead a hundred yards just make sure we're all good no no see you there for days days or he's okay all right still I need a pocket a bad pocket sandwich better than no sandwich I've always said that he started to see the stomach as the weakest part of the man the stomach is the thing that would have would let a man down hmm now for the fucking stomach so now you can stay out there forever so now now I'm a little worried you should be okay now I'm a little scared because now we have a problem and I don't like the time for solutions when he actually started working his scout protecting

mining camps and guarding gold prospectors uh-huh he found eating normal food very difficult hmm for instance he couldn't cook over a fire because you know fire you can't have a fire because then people see the fire you can have a pocket fire I'm just saying I want you to buy my line of pocket survival gear we have pocket fires on sale on the doll sorry actually the man who bought the first pocket fire is actually fully on fire and it's still a pocket sandwiches are ruined we haven't worked that out that's a kink that's a kink pocket sandwiches still available as well as a pocket liquids he did find him ways to

keep himself fed like hammering deer jerky into a powder and making deer cake that he'd eat for a week I mean yes nobody's did you want the chocolate or the vanilla or deer or the deer cake he would pound it yeah I hear on the jerk yeah eat the jerky he pound the jerky that's what I'm saying a powder like a flower like a flower what he just made a fine and then he you he'd substitute deer deer for flower but make himself a cake but he could how do you make a cake without fire no he would make it before he left but then why not have a regular fucking cake what because cake's not going out there with chocolate he

has other options for shit chocolate cake I'm not saying cake I'm not saying cake but I'm sure there's another option besides deer cake I would say keep the deer jerky and listen if you want to meet in the middle there I'm fine with that the man of one diet is hopelessly handicapped he wrote man's stomach can be trained to adopt itself to many strange uses Fred did spend time trying to strike it rich in the gold country he didn't make much but he made enough to send for the girl that he had met and loved in Iowa I didn't know there was a girly man in love in Iowa yeah I left that part out I'm getting to it now well

I would have liked to have known about this girl in Iowa what it was happening apparently there's a girly man in Iowa that he loved well I'm excited to hear where this goes she came out and they got married all right he's like 15 or something yeah it's time they moved to Pasadena know it well and he tried to become an ordinary guy this time by farming oranges being steer cake super not down down with it did not enjoy the normal life he was dreaming about Africa he liked to read about Africa who's young he said it called to him there in what at this time was known as the Cape colony which later

became South Africa was a prime minister named Cecil Rhodes and Fred was a big fan of Cecil Rhodes and he figured Cecil probably needs a good scout hmm now okay so the thing about what can happen nowadays is you can find out what that guy thinks scout lies before you make a trip so I'm assuming that there's some version of you know Atlantic Union that he just took his wife and kid no to Cape Colony on January 1st 1893 okay so he didn't he did he got a job he worked as a scout and he fought for Rhodes Cape Colony okay he fought in different countries different African countries not just just any country to Sweden he went

to Sweden from the Cape colonies to Sweden and then finally check the Czech Republic then no Czechoslovakia sorry he went to so he went there and he fought in different African countries he had a second child the daughter who died during a plague that swept through the city they were in during a siege when he was out fighting what do you dealing with your children dying was just a very matter-of-fact thing yeah man although he when he learned about it he was completely devastated he I mean when he learned about it how long did it take him to learn well he was out on the front fighting he was fucking he's just out

there in deer cakes well the place we would do the goddamn town sometimes it wouldn't just scout sometimes he shoot and kill he's not just fucking laying on his tummy he gets in the business so the scout business sounds like a dog shit business yeah it's not great so then he received some critical information about the enemy their religious leader and commander was hiding in a cave Fred was sent in to assassinate him he snuck into the cave Jesus that's not fun and he shot the leader through the heart while thinking of his daughter wow yeah all right yep all right he then fled the cave before the commander's men could get

him and as he fled the area he lit villages on fire as he went that's a real that's a nice that's a nice way to leave yep I mean yeah vengeance is mine I believe that's so and I'm gonna make a big big show when I go so he brave heart of the area brave heart of the shit out okay I like I like the visual then he heads back to America at the age of 60 no sorry 36 I seriously thought you were gonna say 16 he tried to find gold again this time in Alaska but admitted to a friend he missed the action in Africa and hoped that if fighting started again they would need him yeah maybe wouldn't miss out on it because it's so fun of

course it did yeah the new British commander asked him to return so this was the second boar war the boar war boar boar war said a bunch of different ways yeah boar war boar war the lead scout of the boar was known as the black panther interesting doesn't sound boring he was described as quote walking living breathing searing killing destroying torch of hate I mean was that his hype man that's pretty I mean that is the resume right there now coming is the walking living breathing searing killing destroying torture of hate black and in the red corner from Los Angeles and Iowa Fred Rick Fred Rick

the corn napper go get him corn napper so he spent so the entire war Fred and the black panthers spent trying to kill each other because they were both the lead scouts they're both doing a lot of damage right they're both trying to get each other okay so it is kind of like how movies would frame a war yeah it is exactly like that meanwhile Fred was sent to constantly infiltrate the enemy and sabotage as much as possible one time he hid inside of an art bark hole for two days you mean an art barks asshole I know no the art barks not in it it's not part of the art bark he hid inside of an art barks ass he thinks

he's like all the way in and it's just over his eyes they can't see me in this art bark anus all right I'm gonna eat a deer cake and then I'll scoot over there what it smells like a ants yeah tell you what this whole area smells like anus everywhere I turn it smells like shit all right we gotta dig deep another time he floated down a river disguised as a dead cow how it's just how he just got in a deep cut open a fucking cow's stomach got inside and just moved he got a fleshy hide and then he cut two eye holes out of it so he could see they just floated down the river amazing that's this guy's fucking awesome it was

said his senses and abilities were similar to a wild predators he could go two and a half days without water he could fix a broken pastor mainstream with some buffalo bone I don't even know what that is well I mean what it is what was any of that he could smell water from fireway and he never drank or smoked he could smell water if you're that good you can smell water no no shut up over here there's water that's a vanilla cream I'll tell you it still smells a little bit at Starbucks yeah it still smells a little bit like an i-vark's asshole around here but I think over here's water Frappuccino I gotta

take this artwork head off me you know what I now that I'm thinking about it is it even a disguise or do I just look crazy look Fred's gonna come over don't don't look at the artwork hey guys what's going on how we doing pretty low key you think they see us you guys should get a better disguise you look at like a couple of sore thumbs over here what huh the on nevermind they can see you but not me commanding officers said he was half jackrabbit half wolf and totally without fear now that we got some hype man stuff he was captured once but managed to hide who he really was from the bore all the bore thought Fred was a

godless monster so he argued when he was caught that God was real and started reciting poetry so they were like well this can't be the guy well he's certainly fucking crazy that guy's a monster yeah there's no way he can be Fred the amazing Fred doesn't like poetry Fred during the night he escaped as he made his way back on a stolen horse he was spotted by some bore and the horse was shot it fell on him he felt like his back was broken still he continued on his mission even though he was on foot and vomiting blood he rigged a hit so he still had his mission to do yeah even though he was captured and then

his horse got shot and fell on him and broke his back and he was coughing up blood yeah vomiting blood sure he still keeps going with his mission sure well as you should he rigged he went and rigged a train train railway with explosives and blew it up huh then he climbed into a eucalyptus tree and hid as the bore fired up into the grove they eventually gave up and moved on I mean that has corn nap written all over it this is a man koala yeah but they get this isn't this look this is a koala man yeah but he also I mean he's very comfortable in vegetables being quiet you put him in anything green yeah and

you can't see him yeah I was under the snap he's the whole time Jesus what's that on your head for huh just extra disguise he was rescued by British soldiers and sent back to England to mend there he was given the distinguished service order and was asked to dine with the Queen he's the fucking shit time to know which one's a salad for Fred being the most humble man alive said the metal was so unnecessary that it was almost humiliating wow oh man hey you need to learn how to say thank you yeah it's Kanye's opposite this sadly this was to be a terrible trip Fred's third trial

drown in the day in the teams what how I don't know why are you letting your kids fucking do I mean it's tough that's a that's a tough thing to that's you're gonna have to label that bad parenting in some way yeah it's not good drowning in the times times I call the teams times teams whatever bro again this is a safe place thank you again devastated they returned to California and their home it was while he was in Pasadena that he seriously started thinking about an idea that had struck him in Africa oh boy he decided to write an article there is an Africa a wonderfully varied range of interesting animals most of the

desirable ones could easily be introduced to our own Southwest okay time to get a lion in New Mexico the article was called transplanting African animals it was published in New York's independent magazine in 1910 Fred was now 49 years old and very well known for his achievements I'm excited to see the response to this thought he was also known for telling stories of his time in Africa and those listening would find themselves unable to turn away okay one woman told of sitting with a group as Fred told them of a particular African siege at one point he paused and casually said we'll kill that snake when I

finished the story no one had seen the rattlesnake that had come up behind them as he told his story he's that good I mean he's that good it's like Jason born yeah telling stories use the first born just a couple of months after the article was published Fred found himself in front of the House Committee on Agriculture in Congress there was a meat show there was a meat shortage at the time ranges had been destroyed by overgrazing and the price of beef was soaring okay as the population of the US increased the number of cows was dropping by millions of head a year oh boy people had begun to whisper about

having to eat dogs oh boy I mean new spurs were calling it the meat question oh dear I don't like the meat answer already America had been kicking ass for so long but the meat question was making people think that maybe the country wasn't as strong as they thought it was amazing we've always been we've always thought from our fucking stomachs yeah maybe we're not a great nation hey I got an idea why don't we open up a sizzler listen nobody we're not leaving are we it's all you can eat shrimp I don't know about the beef but it's definitely all you can eat shrimp yeah come eat this shit sizzler maybe the

US couldn't keep growing did you see that sizzler video that went around the commercial oh I showed you that right it's fucking amazing people should go watch this video from like 1990 we'll post it it's amazing it's like sizzlers trying to like rebrand itself as really important culturally yeah it's dynamite it's tremendous all right anyway so people are thinking maybe the US can't keep growing and prospering and yeah there's not enough meat to eat so we're pussies now it ends with meat people yelled in the Carl's Jr. era at the beginning of the committee hearing the first day of testimony a federal

researcher said in studying the resources of our country for good many years I was led to the conclusion that we ought to have more creatures than we are raising here oh boy the bill being discussed was HR 23261 it was a bill to appropriate $250,000 I'm excited to hear for what to import new animals to be farmed what I mean but what are they going like what gazelles it was known as the hippo bill oh my god no no what oh god the bill had been introduced by Congressman Robert Brassard of Louisiana Brassard was a charismatic and loud I reckon all we ought to get a bit of hippo what I what I am saying here

gentlemen cuz there ain't no ladies in here gentlemen he's out there is a big round animal that just fucking floats imagine a big fat aquatic cow yeah that's what we're dealing with it is what we're dealing with so they're going to fucking we're gonna get us some water cats hippos Brassard was a charismatic and loud Democrat who was it cannot be easy to catch back in this time either don't know they're violent and you know that I do know that are violent and fast Brassard was known as cousin Bob down in Louisiana isn't everyone eat hey cousin Bob cousin Bob cousin Bob cousin Bob cousin Bob cousin Bob where's your dad cousin Bob

bissard cousin Bob's get a couple cousin Bob's bissard had wanted to import hippos to the US to be used for meat for a while now and someone recommended he speak to Fred this wasn't Fred's first time trying to convince Washington that they should get on the African animal meat train now that's a catchy name the African meat train African animal meat train yeah after son died in England drowned he had gone to Washington to lobby for bringing in African animals he wanted to bring in 30 varieties of antelope as well as other animals like giraffes to be imported and farmed in

the American Southwest he thought the animals could be protected by the government then set loose hunters would hunt the great beasts and increase the nation's meat supply Fred had even gotten his friends to pitch in $50,000 to start the program unbelievable he met with Teddy Roosevelt Teddy Roosevelt was down yeah of course Roosevelt was bully let's get him out in here all the goddamn animals in the fucking world it would save me a trip but then a political enemy of Roosevelt used the giraffe and antelope idea as part of an attack on the president and it worked and Teddy abandoned the plan but now is four years

later and Congressman Brassard was leading the charge and he was a political genius man but he was not pushing the hippo because of the meat situation he was doing it because of a flower I mean what is happening what he did it cuz of a flower he did it because of a flower what did he do he wanted to bring up what what are you saying he the water hyacinth uh-huh we're brought to New Orleans in 1884 by a Japanese delegation hello we like your country here's a pretty flower but it was like a bomb it was like a flower bomb well we'll get them back the people of New Orleans love the flower and planted them everywhere

and then the flower began to proliferate rapidly it reproduces asexually the flowers began to spread in waterways clodding and drifting around the Mississippi like a big mass by the time the hippo bill was introduced by Brassard the flowers have been screwing things up in Louisiana for ten years there's only one way to deal with something that has been brought in unnaturally to your environment and that's to bring in something unnaturally to your environment you'd double unnaturally yeah it's a it's the double down it's splitting aces let's get some hippos in here they nothing go

wrong with hippos right well look we obviously fucked up by planting those flowers let's bring in a bunch of hippos hippos and giraffes let's get them going all right giraffes imagine giraffes roaming Arizona where are we shipping lanes were no longer passable okay the flowers were overtaking rivers and wetlands and using all of the oxygen and killing the fish okay good so the fish are dying because this one guy planted a flower fishermen were going bankrupt the war department was fighting the flowers but it was an impossible battle okay time to eat flowers they would clear a stream in a

month later the flower would return well that's tough a veteran researcher at the Bureau of Plant Industry of the US Department of Agriculture named Irwin testified that the hippos were a double win I love I love testifying I mean like he's I justify that this is a great idea sir the hippos are awesome in two ways so the hippos could eat the flowers and then we could eat the hippos then we eat the hippos boom boom boom it's like a food chain it just boom boom boom two three things it's too crazy to not work Irwin claimed no one ate hippos because no one has ever told them that eating hippos was a proper thing to do well the

same as for dogs yeah okay great point he saw the meat question as a test of America's resolve to defend our freedom and our way of life some generations of Americans are called to go to war this generation has been called to import hippos and eat that's a quote no I I just hypothesized what do you that would be amazing you've heard of the greatest generation we are the waitest generation let's get these goddamn hippos here they'll eat the flowers will eat the hippos so the next Fred testified he said it was but bizarre that we only eat cows pigs and sheep and poultry why did we stop importing animals there with

time we could make hippo barbecue just as normal that just sounds it sounds like the Flintstones friend was very persuasive but when he was done Brissard had one more witness to call a hippo it was the Black Panther whoa what what's he doing what I feel like that's like crocodile Dundee ask importation he had a real name captain Fritz do kins yeah but what was his real name I'm kidding I'm not a Black Panther I'm Fritz do quints Fritz do kins had been born in Cape Colony in December 1877 he grew up on a farm with other boar families his father was a hunter so he was always away from home as a kid he

repeatedly seen hunters return with hippos because they were the easiest animals to kill okay they would divide the meat among the families and then Fritz would collect the fat and sell it to soap manufacturers sure just like any kid sure classic go make some fucking hippo soap yeah whatever weekend he was sent to military school in Europe as a teen Fritz was good-looking a ladies man and had incredible confidence in himself he was there when his father told him to come back and fight against the British we're talking about the second boar war when he went against Fred the war war war many boars were put into concentration

camps by the British and soldiers like Fritz formed into small gorilla units he was captured twice in both times he escaped the second time he was captured he was sent to Lisbon Spain okay he quickly escaped and took off but not until after he had screwed the jailer's daughter nice right that's yeah who's not dropping some panther dick who's not rooting for the panther yeah I mean I didn't like you could get one over on the warden by escaping but then you're like that also come on panther we're making a run for it hold on I got one last thing to do you guys go without me I'll be there in a second I gotta go bang the

warden's daughter panther panther what yeah yeah you heard me yeah I don't think they call me the panther that has nothing to do with being a panther listen and this time that we've been debating this I could be inside of the warden's daughter he then went to England and told them he was a boar defector join the British army got sent back to Africa to fight against the boar and then join the boar that's great he then saw the brutal devastation of the British they were implementing a scorched earth policy he went home only discovers home was gone an employee told him his uncle had been hung from a tree and stabbed repeatedly

his sister had been raped and killed and his mother raped and taken away Fritz assumed his mother was at a nearby concentration camp and he headed for it he put on his British uniform it's a tough update yeah yeah well now we find out why he's got that listen it might not he might not like the British for the rest of the story yeah I get why he is he he put on his British uniform he entered the concentration camp and found his mother holding a seventh month old baby oh shit they both were starving and dying of syphilis oh my god this is a good ending this is like a charlotte's web type story that should be read to

kids yeah I would love to see what that spidered right in the web about this shit he told his mom he would kill 100 British soldiers for every drop of blood in her body that's a lot of British soldiers can he do that math nobody made a tough math you make a promise to your mommy I'm gonna need to drain you my next point is that I have to drain you fully gotta get this right you know it's actually what they're doing to George Washington about now as he wrote away from the concentration camp he passed two British soldiers who he saluted all right then he shot them in the back after they had passed no all right he

dismounted and kicked them both in the face that's the order is normally different on that but why not why not right right not late in the war the Black Panther was caught again and shipped to Bermuda with his hands and feet bound the entire way he escaped within days and made his way to a port town called Hamilton there he became a pimp alrighty hello what is this guy it's really he's logging the miles he's doing it he's taking it all off he's getting a lot of jobs well what can I do here what's here oh vaginas well I'll just sell women

alrighty he had a prostitute named Vera he got her to use her time with clients to learn about the comings and goings of ships you can say and goings quicker in that sentence sometimes going he needs to learn it from her about the comings after goings after learning a private yacht was going to leave for Baltimore Fritz snuck onto the ship and hid in a hold when the owner found him he came to like Fritz and invited him on the journey I mean that's pretty you gotta be pretty fucking charming to be a stowaway gets brought on as a guest everyone's like you're funny you know what I kind of like you I'm the panther

yeah all right that talk could stop a little bit I fucked a jealous daughter all right here just have a beer relax a little bit you've been in that hole for a while yeah any pretty shiny it no so he landed on American soil in July July 4th 1902 yeah he made his way to New York and got a job selling papers then he became a reporter and seven years later he ended up meeting with President Teddy Roosevelt just as Fred had Roosevelt was planning a big game hunting trip it's pretty easy to get into Roosevelt's White House it's like there's nine people if you have like if you could say one interesting thing he's

like come over for lunch you just walk up and you go hey I like lions and he's like get your hands off of that man get in here son you like lions do you tell me about the lions so Teddy's gone Africa a five-year-old and he's looking for men who had hunted in Africa to you know tell him about Africa right of course that's Fritz yes Roosevelt went on his hunting trip and it was a big story in the US papers and it was covered extensively and Fritz took advantage of this writing syndicated columns called hunting ahead of Roosevelt he then put his stories together so he was basically telling

stories about how he had hunted there before right and that's what Roosevelt was gonna do right then he put his stories together into a show and took it on tour I mean what is how is he like it's doing is he just trying to do everything like this is that time when there's just shitty entertainment yeah and so now he goes up and reads a story while he has a picture in the background and blah blah blah and it's terrible people like and life was horrible and people were like let television be invented it's like we're there so he just happened to be in Washington doing the show when Broussade was holding the

committee hearing wow that's lucky so the Black Panther knew this was an opportunity get to get people to go to his show okay and so he told the committee some stories he said it was easy to domesticate a hippo okay like like I mean like get my slippers like I think like maybe you can have it in your backyard that kind of thing I think I have seen a story of someone who has like a domesticated hippo maybe the tiny one there's one it's on TV they he said baby hippos can be fed from a bottle like a baby and you can walk them around on leashes sure of course it's really easy to get a hippo to

understand leash life how great would the world be if we just had people had taken to this and made him I would look people just walking on the street with a hippo look I am just just squirting it with a bottle yeah and the drought people like the hippos I gotta go you know what we can't keep the hippos then it's our hippos waters for the man it's not selfish with your fucking hippos in your yard oh you're always with the hungry hungry hungry my joke it is absolutely not dangerous he said he also said the meat was delicious and satisfying splendid food splendid food he said the boars had fought well during

the wars because they were eating hippos oh god he also said they should get antelope drafts and elephants all were good eating he's just going for it his testimony was complete bullshit and everyone bought it and and how is this driving people to his show just because he can get his stories out if you saw it just name it just great press sure like every every single one is like go the Black Panthers testimony oh by the way he's doing a show downtown sure it's a little like when Charlie Sheen went apeshit and then just took a show on the road that's exactly what he just created so much buzzy had to do it so

the press one nuts for the idea of hippo meat the Chicago Tribune wrote an article about the hearing and printed it just above an article about a famous steakhouse raising their prices because of dwindling meat supplies oh god almost all of the papers use quotes of fritz the Washington Post wrote that it was only a matter of time before hippo shipments to the u.s. began hippo shipments since we've learned to eat crabs bring with 500 hippos to America being like that dude said it'd be cool you know you could do is you can just get like 50 of them tie them together and then tug them behind a ship

yeah they just hang on the water they can swim to just maybe just get some guys on their backs so since you've learned to eat crabs and oysters the post reason we could also eat that plump and pull crit oh beast which has we can also eat that plump and large beast which has a smile like an old-fashioned fireplace so they're they're basically they think they're importing cartoon hippos you can't say you can't describe something as having a smile like an old-fashioned fireplace when you're talking people into eating an animal doesn't look you also an animal doesn't smile a hippo doesn't smile look like they have a

smile a hippo it's not a smile have you seen the Madagascar movies but Dave again you're talking about cartoon hippos they're different the New York Times said the also a lot of times if there's more than two of them they'll break out into a huge chorus they sing they sing the times said the idea was practical and timely the word was that hippo tasted good the Times called the meat lake cow bacon I mean that's maybe the dumbest thing I've ever just on a number like on so many love like they're not like what do you like cow bacon an agricultural department official stated that free range hippos

in Florida Mississippi and Louisiana could produce one million tons of meat a year I mean we're just we need to stop fucking caring about eating so much it's unbelievable people were excited by the idea Brassard got letters from people who volunteered to go to Africa and bring the hippos back that's like that's like Donald Trump I got this you want hippos I'll get your goddamn hippos I can get you 95 hippos by Thursday talking ones with the smile I can also get you a smoking hippo we don't need a smoking hippo I'm just letting you know that as far as the hippo community goes I have many connections unfortunately

Brassard would have to wait until the next congressional session to get the bill going in the meantime he invited the old enemies Fred and Fritz down to Louisiana to discuss plans for hippo importing now you mean late cow bacon though the two men had tried to kill each other for years it turns out they had a great respect for each other they finally got to know each other God Fred thought the hippo project would cleanse Fritz of his past wrongs and set him on the right path he wrote I set out to win over the genuine Americanism one of the most remarkable men I had ever met together the three men began planning

the new food supply society it's just I mean and the NFSS the NFSS and we all know how that worked they sent letters back and forth discussing how to go about it but Fritz was the man doing most of the work after the hearing he was sent to Louisiana on a fact-finding mission Fritz hoped this hippo venture would turn into a full-time job but more than anything he wanted credit for the idea of hippo meat but time was going by and nothing was happening Fritz was getting frustrated oh in October it's traded New York World came out with an article giving credit of the hippo idea importation to a man named Frederick

Holder Holder was a fisherman Fritz was pissed he set copies of the article to Fred and Brassard and demanded they send a correction to the press Fritz was now completely losing it above all he wanted credit everything else was secondary I'm the fucking hippo guy I'm hippo fritz that's why they call me hippo fritz fritz fritz buddy nobody nobody's been calling you that okay yeah yeah that's what they call me hippo fritz okay all right but I'm just hey what's my name guy over there hey fritz it's hippo fritz well that's what I'm saying okay it also it sounds a lot like hip what's on my t-shirt would you

hand-wrote hippo fritz on your shirt but I'm just this is like an intervention because it's my nickname because this is my idea all right maybe just maybe just sleep a little maybe just take a nap lay down oh boy all right bro no sleep tell hippo that's what it says on the back hippo fritz and then he turns around and points both thumbs to it things seem to be cooling off on the hippo front but fritz wasn't going to let it go in 1911 he began to consider starting his own hippo importing business oh my god he organized banquets in New York and Washington hoping to

stir up investment there he served springbok soup I've had springbok it's not bad and I was getting out of Africa they had springbok well I've always loved a hippo croquette hmm hmm hmm hmm he looked into the idea of bringing elephants to South America and selling them I mean now it's like desperate it's like he was like I'm gonna send animals all over the fucking world he was like I want to be the biggest cocaine dealer in America and now he's like I want to just maybe sell a bag of Mali in Spain he also almost pulled off an insane publicity stunt for a matchstick company

I mean he was going to bring llamas for Peru and drive them as a herd from New York to Ohio wait I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry what tell me he was going to a matchstick company wanted to okay let me stop you there yep how does this how does this help a match is this just sort of like light them up with llamas I guess like branded entertainment they're just like I we're just sponsoring the crazy shit yeah it's just it's just like well this is gonna get attention and then people will know about it so he's gonna drive it straight to the matchstick plant okay so he's taking the llamas from Peru bring

them to New York City to New York where they stay a couple days in hotel to acclimate there is there is and then like how many would actually make this journey I can't they didn't say a few oh that's very far well if it's a herd if it's a herd it's a lot of llamas and it's but it's still it's very far right but it's Fritz it's very far it didn't come to be why I don't know what part then word came that Teddy Roosevelt was planning other hunting trip this time in the Amazon god Fritz saw another opportunity and sought investors to help him produce a movie the plan was to go to Amazon and film what Roosevelt would

see when he got there he would then show the film on stage and narrate it he ended up getting funding from a film company and the Goodyear tire company good the Goodyear tire company was paying him to look for rubber well he was in the Amazon did they know that they were getting swindled by him I don't know why you're there will you promise to look for rubber yeah I'll look for a rubber can I have some money yeah I'll give you money but you swear to God you'll there is their rubber there okay so I found some rubbers you did where well they were used but no no no there's rubbers all in the slums there's a lot

of rubbers Fritz I speak on behalf of Goodyear here's the bag we hate your guts and get the bag and take it with you and by the way what the fuck does the back of your shirt mean no sleep till hippo that's right no sleep till hippo we're gonna get out get the fuck out now but right after you left for the Amazon World War one broke up broke out Fritz was not happy that the US was staying on the sidelines he wanted the US to join with Germany and fight against England he could have his own Fox News show it's the Fritz hour with Fritz it's supposed to be called the Fritz hippo

hour cut cut Fritz I've you've been warned you will not say hippo on the air anymore you got it action he still had a seething hatred for the British after the Boer Wars because they killed his family and whatnot yeah in Brazil Fritz went to the German consulate and offered to be a spy and saboteur from that day on wasn't it just making a movie well now it's off because we're one side he's insane from that day on he lived a life of aliases he was known as Frederick Baron Colonel Besen f-crabbs Colonel Marquis de Kintz Fred Beckins JK Farn Behold Zombo Vaughn Gotard Vam Dam Fritters worthy and Jim Dave Dave yes I

gotta have it one more time because I was like I'm in my head I was like well you're not gonna get one funnier than f-crabbs and I thought at the end of that run I just mentioned f-crabbs but then you hit like two or three at the end that are just record breakers Fred Rick Baron Fritters I'm excited to hear you say Fritters again Colin Besen Colin f-crabbs f-crabbs Colonel Marquis de Kintz Fred Beckins JQ Farn JQ Farn Behold Zombo wait okay that sounds like what you would hear in like a freak show hey what's wrong Zombo what's your name again Vaughn Gotard Vaughn Gotard really yeah it's a little close it's

close Vam Dam that one was clearly on the spur of the moment yeah what's your name I'm damn if I am damn Fritters just like just Fritters did he just like where like a beanie and no shirt and just a tie and walk around town people like oh don't mind him he's just Fritters he had to have been a butler yeah he's definitely had a unicycle worthy what just worthy and Jim I gotta say I'm I'm excited to do some stuff with Fritters in the future he spent time on the docks in South America in disguise we did Fritters or Jim or f-crabbs wearing thick glasses and hunched over his name was Frederick Frederick what Wow so he's not even

trying yeah that just seems like a typo he's like an SCTV character hello I'm Frederick Frederick he would hang out in bars and offer English sailors money to bring rare orchid bulbs back to England for his friends but these weren't bulbs the packages were explosives Fritz claims to have sunk 22 ships and started a hundred dock fires wow but according to Fred what Fritz was really up to was disrupting shipments of manganese I think he was up to building an army of the greatest names of all time so Fred knew about manganese Fred had also been pushing the hippo mead idea after the congressional hearing in March 1911 he

went to Washington and met with Brassard again Brassard would reintroduce the bill in the spring but in the meantime Fred was to go on an exploratory trip to Africa to scout other species that would be good for importation and eating but they did like that nobody said yes to any of their shit yet well scouting time is over it's time to shoot the American public was becoming less enthusiastic about the idea of bringing hippos to America and putting them in rivers the hippo mead idea was waning during this time Fred had also started working for companies who had copper mines in Mexico he never made it to

Africa because the Mexican Revolution broke out and he went down to Mexico to watch over the company's investments and at one point he was commanding a group of 500 are men he still hadn't given up on the idea of hippos though he continued to work on the plan he found a German circus master who agreed to ship the hippos at the same time Brassard kept pushing the bill from one congressional session to the next until it was 1918 and then Brassard died eventually the Department of Agriculture weighed in and said importing hippos was a terrible idea hmm that's interesting instead the department recommended turning useless

marshes in Louisiana into grassy pastures for cows that's right people like to eat cows and cows right here don't want to eat hippos and cows are here honey I've been barbecuing this hippo for nine days and it's still not ready turn it over a lot of this meat's going bad it's very chewy it's black on the outside and it doesn't I'll tell you what it doesn't taste like is Lake Cow Bacon it does not taste like Lake Cow Bacon at all okay it tastes like toilet chicken so this is how America overcame the meat question they develop ways to raise more animals in more places when World War I broke out Fritz also wanted

the US to get into the action I'm sorry Fred also wanted the US to get into the action okay Fritz did sure but he wanted the US to fight against Germany interesting he became part of the preparedness movement they believed the US entry into the war was inevitable and we're putting pressure on President Wilson to enter the war in 1916 Fred was the grand marshal of a preparedness parade in San Francisco when a suitcase bomb went off ten people were killed Jesus Teddy Roosevelt was putting together a group of men to go into battle on his own if Wilson did not enter the war wow what I'm gonna read that again Teddy

Roosevelt was putting together a group of men to go into battle on his own if Wilson didn't enter the war what a dick greatest president ever and it was fucking mine just wanting to kill stuff everywhere didn't matter where if you're not going to war Teddy's going to war I started my own army Teddy Teddy you're not president doesn't matter you don't need to you don't need to be president to make an army bully let's go boys match your hippos with just spears on the backs of hippos like monkeys on dogs just ready to go they just strap him on there all right your legs are taped you're secure I guess we're going into the water

Fred joined Teddy's group really going low Fred joined Teddy's group he was 55 years old and he always wanted to see battle sure but the chance to actually fight instead of being a scout had never come and now he thought it could happen sure it's exciting but unfortunately his services were needed elsewhere manganese was in short supply partially due to Fritz down there blowing up ships manganese is a mineral that is used to make steel the wars war caused shipments to be cut off from the usual suppliers so new sources were needed the US looked to South America but also hoped to find its supply in the US Fred got a few

prospectors together he knew from his 20s and they went out into the desert to look for manganese the scout is back baby there's a simple solution on how to deal with that import hippos I totally agree yeah that'll solve it no problem it was a set successful operation they found manganese in several different locations okay now years later Fred and Fritz were once again on the opposite sides of a war thwarting each other in February 1916 Fritz packed the film from his film project that he had bailed on into a sunken into a trunk and put it aboard the you the SS Tennyson whatever was in that box exploded as the ship was

in the ocean three sailors died a co-conspirator was caught and he quickly gave up Fritz Fritz was now wanted and why is he doing but he's just doing that because he is so upset about he no he hates the British oh okay so the British are fighting the Germans so he's that's joined up with the Germans doing his own yeah he's a bore he's fighting finding his own war another bore war Fritz was now wanted for murder by the British in 1917 Fritz found his way to Washington DC but of course they're looking for Fritz when the guy's name is Fritz you ain't gonna find Fritz you talking about Fritz crab cakes that you

Fritz crab cakes the guy rides the unicycle and plays the harmonica Fritz crab cakes where's a hippo head where's a hippo head rides a unicycle sells crab cakes just yells no stop down hippo with that guy serious drug problem so in 1917 Fritz went back to Washington DC if instead of using one of his many aliases he used his own name that was a really dumb movie at 900 names he was looking for work and reached out to Frederick Frederick would have been better he was looking for work and reached out to to Brissard who had no idea what Fritz a bit up to Brissard tried to get him a low-level clerk job

but it didn't pan out with no luck in Washington he headed to New York and crashed at a friend's house he then tried to get his let's eat African animals thing going again he wanted to go on a speaking tour but no one cared yeah stop there was a war on and people just want to hear about war heroes so Fritz became Captain Claude Stouton an impressive soldier who had perhaps seen more of the war than any man at present before the public this poor fake guy had been stabbed three times during his fake fighting gassed four times and struck once with a hook that's quite a fake resume the fake son of a bitch show

was a hit he was a hit on the speech circuit he started getting invited to important parties he would show up in uniform and give speeches asking people to donate to the Red Cross and by Liberty Bonds the dude who had been a terrorist just a couple years before trying to stop Allied forces was now raising money for the Allied forces yes as a war hero and the fruit in the end all Fritz cared about was Fritz being famous on December 8th 1917 Fritz was arrested for insurance fraud in New York City he had filed a claim for the film that was lost on the Tennyson oh boy the film balls that's filled with

explosives and blown a ship up ballsy that's like the guy you know when the Oklahoma City guy blew up blew up the the building yeah the other guy all the right the yeah the other oh no no the guy who the guy who the first guy tried to blow up the World Trade Center when it didn't go down so the first guy tried up the World Trade Center they blew it up and then he went back and he went back and said the Vanny had rented was in an accident in the World Trade Center and tried to get the money back but it was the Vanny who used to blow up. Jesus dude how do you get that petty over terrorist shit also I need that deposit I gotta

get by I gotta get that 80 bucks I'm gonna be honest do it at a full tank just so you guys know so like none of that bullshit you know I mean I know you guys charge an extreme amount. So he filed this claim he'd apparently tried another insurance scheme and well as well he had agreed to make movies for an Argentine board of education they paid him $24,000 for film which he bought and then he put it in a Brooklyn warehouse and then he blew up the warehouse. So what is with the film part of this plan? I just think he thinks film was very expensive like his calling card and so he knows he can get money for film but then every

time he gets it's but he would still need to make the fucking movie. Exactly. Now the British wanted him for murder so Fritz started acting crazy. Oh he started that crazy? So he's arrested the judge had a lunacy commission assess him to see if he was really nuts that's what it was called lunacy commission. That's gonna be a great I would love to just have footage of some of the the lunacy council. It's my favorite Donald Duck cartoon. The lunacy council. The lunacy commission. The lunacy commission sent him to a mental hospital. We're here to find out if you're apes shit so we're gonna ask you some questions and show you some things

and see how crazy you shit. Okay here's the first question. Yes. So he sent them out to a mental hospital. They just pour a glass of milk and put it before him and then pour it down their pants and I like how does that make you feel at home. Very good. I think you might be learned. Right so he sent a mental hospital. He was there with a man who constantly not a sentimental hospital. He was sent to a mental hospital. Correct. Right. Okay. He was there with a man who was who was constantly whistling because he said he was a train and another guy who thought he was Napoleon's tomb. Wow. That is this is some roomies. It's when you're not

Napoleon the tomb. So wait you're Napoleon. I'm not an idiot. I know I'm not Napoleon. I'm where he's buried. I'm sorry. That's 1245. That's mine. I got to get on that. That's my train. I'm gonna get out of here. You got room from a tomb on there. Where are we going? No stop till hippo. I'm getting on too. I'm quitting the hospital. Fritz's wife showed up and divorced him. She said it was obvious he had gone German. You've gone German. Fritz then collapsed in court saying he was paralyzed from the waist down. I can't do it. I can't. I just I lost the use of my legs just now. Strangely right in court. I can't walk anymore. When doctors jabbed

him with pins he did not react. Let me know when you guys are starting. Oh you have? Well I can't feel it. My story checks out. He was sent to Bellevue Hospital where he slowly got skinnier and skinnier. He would just sit all day and watch the birds from a window. Then one day. Should be hippos. He escaped. Okay. Turns out he had gotten his hands on a hex saw and he wasn't watching birds at the window but he was sawing the bars. Hmm that's different. He had faked being paralyzed for seven months but now the Black Panther was on the loose. Who bought the leg shit. I don't know. He took off to Mexico and Europe but then of course

he made his way back to New York where he was famous because he can be famous there. No Fritters no. He appeared for a short time as a vaudeville critic named Major Fred Craven but then vanished again. The FBI continued to search for him mainly in Manhattan. But they were also like and maybe we don't want to catch this guy. He directs some great shows when he's not blowing up ships. Finally he was arrested again Fritz was charged with homicide and escape but the statute of limitations had expired on the war crimes charge so Britain passed on extradition. Wow. The judge then dropped the escape charge and he was free again.

What? Yeah. In the spring of 1934 Fritz became an intelligence officer for the order of 76 an American pro-Nazi organization. Oh gosh. The FBI watched him closely. Fritz knew he was being watched and at one point stopped an FBI agent tailing him and said stop following me. On June 28th 1941. Detective work. On June 28th 1941 the FBI set up a sting with a double agent. The FBI was in one room while the double agent was in another. Fritz entered and immediately began searching the room asking where are the mics? Where are the mics? When he thought he was safe he pulled up his pants leg and pulled out files. There was a sketch

and photo of the M1 Garand semi-automatic rifle, a drawing of a new light tank design, a photo of a US Navy mosquito boat, a photo of a grenade launcher and reports on US tanks he had observed at bases around the country. He was arrested. Then 33 spies in Fritz's group were arrested. He was charged with sending information to the Third Reich and plotting to start fires in American factories. Jesus. The evidence was damning. The black panther had stamped each letter with a black attacking cat. Oh god. You know what I gotta get on these secret espionage files. My own stamp. So much time coming up with fake names.

I also you know what I asked for the stamp of the cat but underneath I wanted from Fritz and up top I wanted no stop till hippo. But that was a lot of money so I just got the cat. I just got the cat for now. The case ended up being the largest espionage case in US history. Fritz Dukens was sentenced to 20 years in Leavenworth, Worth prison. Fred did not enjoy hearing about the end of his old nemesis. Okay. His doom fills me with sadness, he said. Fred Burnham remained in California and was wealthy at this point. He in a sudden struck oil on some land they owned. Fred was also a lifelong member of the National Council of

Boy Scouts of America. The Boy Scouts are actually modeled after Fred. Really? Aside from the molestation scandals. Right. He did not do that a legend. Right. The handkerchiefs they wore are based on the one Fred always wore in the desert to keep his neck from being sunburned. At Fred's request the Boy Scouts created merit badges so they would be able to master many skills. Dear cake, the lowest selling badge. Did you get the hippo badge? No, no Fred, please, please. It's a white, it's a picture of a hippo. Yeah, but we're not they're not in front of an American school eating grass. Right. Yep. No, I'm not

getting that one. It's it's hard to get. Mm-hmm. Yeah, because there's no hippos here because that, um, get him here! That's what I've been talking about! Alrighty, this took a turn. Fred still kept a picture of Fritz on his wall, framed in his military uniform. In his desk he still had a letter from the back panther, quote, to my friendly enemy, the second greatest scout in the world, sorry, the greatest scout in the world. Wow. Whose eyes were the vision of empire, I crave the honor of killing him, but feeling that I extend my heartiest admiration. Wow, what? That's a great rivalry. Fred died on September 1st, 1947

in Santa Barbara, California. He was 86 years old. Fred DeKentz was released in 1954 due to failing health after serving 14 years in prison. He died in May 1956 in a state hospital in New York City. And we've all been eating hippo since. Ever since. Jesus Christ. That's why Wendy's has the hippo burger. Oh god, what we would be doing at fast food places right now? Can I get a, I just got an ear? Can I get some curly hips? Um, I'll also take, uh, hip burger? Can I get a hippo biscuits? And then, uh, I'll take some regular fries and a hippo pie. Yeah, I'll shake. Thank you. Vanilla. And, uh, oh, also, uh, some giraffe sticks. Thank

you. What we would have done to that hippo. Uh, it's almost, that's actually the most excited I've been about this hippo prospect is what we would do. It was here now. What would it be? So hippo crisps, hippo crisps. Like it would just be the grossest. You stop at the grocery store, get some hippo jerky. Oh god. Step into a slim hip. Slim hip. Deep fried hip flakes. Do you want some hip chips? Oh man, the song No Stop Till Hippo is a huge hit. No stop till hippo. No. Stop till hippo. Wow. Jesus. Well, there you go. Just how is, how, how is there still so much insane shit? I don't know. It were a fucking insane. Are we ever going to run

out? I don't think so. Do you really not? I have a massive, massive list. It's insane how long my list is. And it's not like this in Australia at all. Australia is so much more normal. Yeah. Well, we, there's some stories, but Jesus Christ is nothing. Look at us now. Look at what our debates are. They're dynamite. Dynamite. And if we ever run out, then we'll just move over to Scotland. Yeah. Where they'll have hippo. Alrighty. So by the way, if you are in Edinburgh, there's some really funny comedians there. I highly recommend Ben Russell's show, the Tokyo Hotel. Go see Nick Cody. Go see Ronnie Chang. Those guys are really, really, really fucking funny.

I can't recommend them enough. Like I said, I'll be headlining here at the Improv, the 15th. Gareth will be on the show. Dwayne Perkins, Morgan Murphy, and others. And then go to DaveAnthonyComedy.com. There you'll find all the links to buy tickets to the shows in Australia. You should hurry up. They're selling pretty good. Get on that shit. Come on Adelaide, girl. What you doing? Adelaide. It could be so nice.