The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 106 - The Fenian Raids

Episode Date: August 16, 2015

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the Fenians and their actions in 1860's America. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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week I read a story from American history to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is about. It's true. It is true. I don't know what we're about to talk about. Me neither. Well that's gonna really fuck this show up. Do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Steve okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not gonna come to tickling podcast. Okay. You are queen-fakey of made-up town. All hail queen shit of Liesville. A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do what? Pray. Hi Gary. No. Is he done my friend? No.

Let me go. 1797. Just the year. The Finney and Brotherhood movement is an Irish resistance movement that had one goal. An independent democratic Ireland free of British rule. Well so it worked out. They would get this result by any means necessary. The first Irish uprising was in 1797. Did not go well. No. Then the second would come in 1848. Did not go well. Wait 1797, 1848 they couldn't get their shit together in that time. It took 50 off. Jesus. It took 50 off. Got a regroup. I'm starting to think we're not gonna fucking win this thing. This isn't working out is it? Fucking Christ. Holy shit how long's it been? 50 fucking years if we still can't fucking win.

Oh shit I went to the pub I didn't come out. Fuck you know what we realize? We just fucking realize we forgot to fucking try to fight back again. We've been pissed for 50 fucking years. Let's go get them now boys. The Irish would continue the fight though. In the mid 1800s the Irish poured into America. Most of the Irish in America were all shaped by the famine. Literally. Potato famine. Yeah. And that means they were fucking furious with the English. The potato famine hit Ireland from 1846 to 1852. The Irish saw the potato famine as a form of genocide which is hard to argue with because they actually had enough food to eat during the famine.

They were harvesting grain and livestock but then they were forced to export it all to England usually under military guard. That's tough. So they like laying around dying and taking their resources and just shipping them. Yeah they're just taking they're just bringing pigs through your town to the boat like just completely fucked up. I'd love to eat a fucking pig. Oh shit. Look at that fat pig. We're gonna boil my wife's finger tonight for dinner. That pig looks nice and fucking succulent at us. So while one million Irish died another one million fled to foreign lands and in the mid 1800s the US received the largest number

of immigrants from Ireland. A lot of those were rebels who have been part of the failed 1848 uprising. So we're bringing some... Oh yeah. Ballers. You're gonna get a little bit to that. After the famine in 1860 there were about one million six hundred thousand Irish-born Americans in the in the US. Wow. Most of those lived in New York City, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and New England. Then in 1858 in Dublin a group called the Irish Republican Brotherhood started created by James Stevens. These were guys who had grown up during the famine or survived it and were not pleased. It's tough when the kids... That's like it's when the

kids grow up pissed. It's yeah it's not good. Yeah you're fucked. It's like you can piss off the parents but the if you grow up pissed. Yeah it's over. It's not good. You're looking at it. Yeah I know seriously. And then in America in October 1858 a ceremony in New York City's Tammany Hall marked the birth of a US revolutionary body of young Ireland rebels led by John O. Mahoney. Mahoney. Oh Mahoney. Oh. It was conceived of by Mahoney and Stevens. It was to be a supportive auxiliary of Stevens Irish Republican Brotherhood in Ireland. Okay. O. Mahoney would organize the American Irish to assist in the next Irish

revolt sending money arms and provisions to the homeland. He also came up with the name Finians. Finians. Now I'd love to... Is there... The Finian Brotherhood is named after pre-Christian Gaelic warriors called the Fianna. They lived about 2,000 years ago. It was a time when Ireland was independent strong and had control over its own destiny. Oh the salad days. Let's go back to when we had our shit together. Oh fuck me. Oh Christ. This is... Oh jeez we're really going back now. Okay. 2,000 years ago. Fuck at the size of that pig. Oh fuck me. Just walking right there with the soldiers. I could eat him. Get emotional over here. Oh me potatoes

turned to dust. Oh no I've got dusty potatoes. At the same time many of the Irish in America saw themselves as more Irish than the Irish living in Ireland. That's tough to equate. Because they were they were living every moment to kick out the British and they were like we're actually doing something about it. We're fucking left and then we're gonna kick some ass and come back. What the fuck are you doing? Still you ain't an Ireland dog. Still doggie in Ireland. As the Vivian leader, Oh Mahoney had many powers and was accountable only to Captain Stevens in Ireland. Branches called circles were set up in all major cities.

Above the circles was something called the center. Local centers were elected by members of the circle. Very democratic process. Yeah. Except the senior officer in each state, the state center was appointed by Oh Mahoney. So it didn't really. Not really. Right. They were all given military ranks of captain, sergeant and private etc. and were required to pay an initiation fee of one dollar and weekly dues of ten cents. Say there it is. And they had to take an oath. Hi Mickey. solemnly pledge my sacred word of honor as a truthful and honest man that I will labor with my earnest zeal for the liberation of Ireland from the yoke of

England and for the establishment of a free and independent government on the Irish soil that I will implicitly obey the commands of my superior officers at the Feely in Brotherhood. You okay Mickey? That I will failfully discharge the dotes of my membership as lay down in the constitution and by the law thereof that I will do my utmost to promote feelings of love, harmony and finally forbearance among all Irish men. Mickey, you got that voice. And that I will foster, defend and propagate the aforementioned said Feely in Brotherhood Mickey, you're turning red. Mickey, you're turning very red. Mickey. Clovers. Mickey.

Did you say clovers at the end? Yeah, that's me. Person I'll sign off. That's me hook. Oh, Mahoney was good at setting up military organizations. He had already started the 99th New York State Militia and was a colonel. Sure. Right. Isn't it easy for him to become colonel? Yeah, if you make up a thing. Yeah, I think you make up a thing. I'm the president of my bullshit you joined. Can you believe it? What a rise. Meteoric. He worked hard for a year and by November of 1859 thousands of young Irish men had joined Finnean units. There are now 40 Finnean military units in different states with names like Corcoran's Irish Legion, the

Phoenix Brigade of New York City, the Omahaone Guards of San Francisco, the Emmet Guards from Richmond, Boston and Philadelphia. By 1860, Omahaone went to Ireland to meet with Stevens and finalized the plans for the latest uprising. Okay. The Americans Finnean. How long did it take to get to Ireland from him? Like, how long? I mean, it's at least two, probably two months or something like that. Two months. Yeah, it was fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. Like going to visit someone was two months. Yeah, fuck that. And then you might die of scurvy or whatever. Probably. You can't come in. Oh, shit. I forgot oranges. Yeah,

I hope forgetting something. Yeah, forgetting something. My fucking toothbrush! Fuck! My fucking teeth are gonna fall out of my fucking head! So the American Finneans would probably... Did I shut the fucking... Did I shut the fucking door? Fuck me. I let the candle on. Did I leave that fucking candle lit? Ah, motherfucker. Fuck it. Oh, shit. Fuck. I'm not gonna be able to stop thinking about that. I forgot to kill a Protestant. Fuck. Turn around. I'm jumping. The American Finneans would provide 5,000 men and 50,000 muskets. But then shit went south. By the time Amali got back to the US, the Civil War had broken out. This meant that many of the men who were ready to fight to free Ireland were now fighting in the Civil War against each other in many cases. Interesting. Timing is everything. Oops.

And yet many of the Finneans were excited about the war because they thought Irish Americans fighting in the Civil War would season them for when they were to fight against England. Fuckin' practice this is. For the 2% that survived the Civil War. Fuckin' rehearsal for the... but a moiety 2%. This is just a little bit of bullshit. A moiety 2% we are. Yes. They will come. During the war, Brigadier General Thomas Francis Meagher proposed the idea of an Irish brigade. He sent a request to the Secretary of War to authorize to organize an Irish brigade of 5,000 men. I can do so forthwith and have it ready in 30 days to March. Please reply at once. The Secretary of War accepted

the offer at once. Get your Irish on, he said. It might maybe not. Get your Irish on? Might not have said that exact word. That can't be. Something to that effect. Hashtag Irish. How did he know? The Irish Brigade Civil War feats were followed on both sides of the ocean. During the fierce battle of Malvern Hill on July 1st, 1862, the Irish Brigade charged several times against an entrenched Confederate line. A Confederate officer looking through his binoculars saw the brigade was reforming for another charge and yelled, here comes that damn green flag again. It's just annoyed. Jesus. Fuck me. All right gentlemen.

That's so funny that they just like put them all together. Clump them. Clump them up and let them go do their fucking thing. Jesus Christ. They want to die in this thing. Let them. Yeah. That's really what the angle was but for them they were like they think that we're so fucking unique and special. Yeah. We're tough aren't we? We're fucking, we're very important to the war, they said. Why do they keep just making us charge at the guns? Because there's nobody else who could fucking do it besides us. You heard them back there. We're fucking crucial to this battle. Now take a bite of this potato and have some fucking whiskey. Let's go. That seems

stereotypical. Now what's some stereotypical about that? We'll fucking get a clover, fucking go over there, kiss the blarney, start and eat a potato. Let's go. Have a little fucking Guinness. Roll over there. Roll over there. I was talking to the dog, what did you hear? Oh no, I just. No, sorry, it doesn't make sense. No, it's makes sense now you said. You said dog, I thought. Yeah, no, no. The Civil War also led to something else, strong Finnean recruitment. Now Finneans were fighting besides other Irish men and could recruit them for the coming battle against the English. Finnean organizations were established within the Federal Army.

Finnean agents often moved through Union armies with permission from commanders and Finneans did nothing to hide what they were doing and what their goal was. Okay. So they're just straight up recruiting. Yeah. And nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit. There are many times that Finneans from both the north and south put aside their roles. One Irish Confederacy soldier watched several charges of the Irish Purgrade at Fredericksburg. When he saw the green flag bear go down and die, he waited until nightfall, then crawled out on the battlefield and rescued the green banner. He wrapped himself in it and ran for the

Union side. His own Confederacy soldiers shot at him, wounding him, but he still made it and delivered the green flag to the other side. Then what? You have earned the goodwill and esteem of the brigade, Senator General Meagher. You're welcome to join us if you wish. Oh, thank God you get the invite then, right? Well, we appreciate the flag. Back to your side. The officer passed and went back to Confederacy. He what? He went back to the Confederacy. He's like, no, who's still against the blacks? I just wanted you to get to... I wanted you to get... Gonna have to shoot at you as you go back over to that side. That's all right then. I just wanted

you to have the green back. Okay, thank you. Okay, good work. Kill him. Irish soldiers on both sides would often bring news from Ireland to their Irish brothers fighting on the other side. Just wanted to stop by with this newspaper. There you go, look at that. Okay, I'll see you. All right, try to kill you in a bit. You okay? Thank you. Blacks are good. Yes, I don't agree. I do not agree. Meanwhile, the Finians held their first Congress in America in 1863. Okay. This was the first time all representatives had been together. At this point, there were 68 circles made up of 15,000 men. This circle thing is getting a little old.

It's gonna happen. You're in here a couple more times. How many circles? There's 68 right now. 15,000? 15,000 guys. All right. That's a lot of guys for back then. That's not a little. Although half of those men were now fighting in this of war. So they drew up a constitution and rules for general government, though it mostly represented a military organization than a civic one. The meeting was mostly about their quote, intense and undying hatred towards the monarchy and oligarchy of Great Britain. Still sticking to that. Yeah, so they got together and they're basically their first meeting was, God, those fucking

cunts. Oh, fuck. I mean, you know what I keep thinking about? How much the fucking British are tarried? Let's write that down. Fuck that. Yeah. All right. Let's get a nice ring to it. Fuck. All right. Right off the bat. Fuck the British. There we go. All right. Next. Next. Let's do another meeting in here. All right. Fine. See you in a bar. They believe Britain had ground their country to the two dusts, hung their brothers, starved their people and scattered them to foreign lands. Where do they get off thinking that? This was all put down in the declaration of purpose. They declared their allegiance to the US just so

people could get riled up about a foreign army on there. About a constitution within a constitution. They also published that they could not be a secret organization. That was because the Catholic Church had condemned the Finians due to their secrecy and the Irish people were declared to constitute one of the distinct nationalities of the earth. What? I don't know. What does that even mean? It means they're just saying... They want to win a prize that nobody's ever heard of. What? Different and real. What do they want to be? What the fuck do they want to be? We're like a real people. A distinct nationality. Yeah, we're like

different than others. We're like real... from an island, yeah? Well listen, they did get St. Patrick's Day. Thank you. How about this? We'll give you a day where everybody gets drunk and pisses in the streets. Okay. All right. There you go, buddy. Get out of here now you little sticker. And sympathy for the Polish people were expressed. Wait, the... wait. Also, hey, let's put something in there about the Polish. A shout out in their own constitution. Hey, they're okay. Also, the Polish seem really fucking cool. Be nice to them. Sorry about the... we want to say we're sorry to the Polish for just, you know, being Polish and whatnot. Just a quick hello to

the Polish people. Hey there, lads! God, you're fucking stupid. Did you hear about that one of them? What's that? If you've heard how he fucking broke his arm. How's that? He broke his arm raking fucking leaves. How? Fell out of the fucking tree. Goddamn. Put that one in the... put that one in the Constitution down the bottom. Well, so many of them are bloody illiterate. Holy shit, half the Constitution's Polish jokes now. There's a lot of the Polish people you're not illiterate. That's why one of them wrote a fucking book on how to read. How's that? It's a book on how to read. The fuck are you gonna learn from that? You know, they

just fucking got into the army in the fucking Navy business. How's that? They have a fucking... this thing called a submarine, right? Yeah, but it's not going so well. They put screen doors on the fucker. Okay, put that one in the Constitution also. And then put... sorry about all this out of the box. John... I'm starting to think our Constitution's a bunch of Polish jokes. Well, it's put fuck Britain back in there. P.S. Steylfork and Hyde, England. John Oomohoney then resigned to make it a truly democratic organization and placed the brotherhood under the guardianship of the General Convention.

He was then immediately elected head senator. All righty. Okay, I'm out, Dan, I'm back in. All right, hello. Thanks, boys. So then, 1965, we're all around in the Civil War, we're starting to wrap up. Now, thousands of seasoned Finnian fighters were coming home and they wanted action on behalf of Ireland. They want to go... what do you mean they wanted action? They want to fucking... They want to start the war against the United Nations. Are they ready already? Yeah, they're done. They're done with the Civil War and they're like, I'm fucking ready to go. Let's tear this shit up. I mean, take a couple weeks. Nope. There was another convention called in

Cincinnati in January 1865. Now there were 300 circles in America. 600 delegates came to the convention. A report was read that stated Ireland was very supportive of the cause and was ready for the fight. There was some reorganization of the governing body, but everything was pretty much looking up. Oh boy. Now, all this Finnian action in America was getting attention across the Atlantic. Newspapers in Ireland and England reported on the development, creating a lot of anxiety. I wonder if there were different angles in those articles. Less positive, you think? Yeah, just a difference. Was there a chasm between

opinions? The Irish government set about trying to stop the brotherhood on both sides of the pond. But the Finnians were being handled with great skill and the British authorities were baffled. And American politicians were courting the Finnians because they believed the Finnians controlled the Irish vote. At the same time, some Irish veterans of the Civil War went to Ireland and were found leading military drills. Okay, so they're... Wow, okay. By the way, just this is a little al-Qaeda-y. This is classic America. Yeah, for sure. Most of the shit with the settlements in Israel are all exported Americans being fucking assholes.

We just export nuts. Yeah. All that shit in El Salvador. We just export fucking violence. Yeah, no. It's what happened in the last five years is all we remember. Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. What? What? It soon became apparent that this was a massive movement and that the British military had been infiltrated by Finnians. A reward was offered for the capture of Stevens who was quickly caught and then immediately escaped. Okay. All transatlantic steamers were boarded and searched for Irish-American-looking people. Oh man, that's so great. That's just like classic like disguise. Just like going up to a guy like, hey there. What?

Hey blue-eyes, how you doing there? Fine. How are you? Just having to pretend. Nah, I was just going to Ireland on my holiday. Am I from Ireland? No, I've never been to Ireland before in my life. I heard of there is a bear of greens and lots of fucking times, and lots of collars. Oh shit. I fucking blew it. But I'm trying to tell you that I fucking am excited to see my mom and hug my fucking daughter. Can you do me a favor, sir? Can you say Clover? Clover. Say Clover, please. Clover. Clover. Clover. Clover. What? Fucking Clovers, mate. No, no, no, wait. Things were building and the American Finnians were ready to go to war when

suddenly Stevens called everything off. In September, the revolutionary paper, the Irish People was seized. There information was found on the organization. This led to many arrests. British soldiers began to be arrested for mutiny. The Finnians had embedded themselves all over the British Army. In America, an emergency Congress was called in Philadelphia in October. There was irritation that in Ireland, Stevens had called it off, leading to the current mess. The American Finians wanted to take action now, and they transferred their anger to O. Mahoney, who was seen as Stevens' right-hand man. The loudest

voice among those wanting action was William Roberts. But O. Mahoney was against taking action and wanted to wait for Stevens to give the order. He spoke aggressively against those suggesting action, and this led to a fraction among the Finnians. It was only a fucking matter of time. I mean, it had to happen. I mean, come on. One of the reasons the Third Congress was called was to kick O. Mahoney to the curb. At the Third Congress, the Finians formed a distinct Republican within the American Republic. Real weird. Their capital was in a mansion in New York City on Broadway Union Square. Their capital? It flew the

Finnian flag of a harp and a sunburst. It's a little sad. It's their capital. It's a little treehouse-y. It is a little treehouse-y. They created a president, secretary of treasury, military, naval, and civil affairs, and a Senate, and so on and so forth. I mean, but it really doesn't... I mean, it's adorable. It's totally adorable. Let him play dress up. I'm the fucking president. You're the fucking secretary of state. You're a senator. Okay. Right. Now we're gonna go over. I got to go inside the capital to go to the party. Sorry, go away. Fine, go away. Also, I have to leave at 5.30 because my mom wants me back.

All right, fine. Listen. Jesus Christ. The demand was made that O'Malley resign, but he refused. Then the office of president was created. The president was given more power than the head senator, so O'Malley was now second in command. Roberts was made president. An immediate division was created amongst the Finnians. O'Mahoney then formed his own governing body, and in December an emergency session was called, and O'Mahoney was impeached. In what war? In made-up town. You're no longer ahead of the fantasy league. I mean, they may as well have dice.

It's a fucking board game. I'm out. Roy, you pulled the impeachment card. Go to fucking Gile. So two bitter factions formed, the O'Mahoney wing and the Roberts wing. The reason for the split was this. O'Mahoney wanted to wait and keep planning for revolution in Ireland. Roberts wanted to do something now, and his plan was to invade Canada. Okay, okay. So, right. What's wrong? I don't see what. Which side were the people leaning to? Because it seems like one seems pretty pragmatic. Then one seems like a film in

1989. In February 1866, Roberts called a fourth convention in Pittsburgh and declared that the Finians would invade Canada and seize land. Oh my god. If we can get a foothold on which to raise the Irish flag, we shall be recognized. As a government once established, it will have the sympathies of every Irishman, Irishman in every quarter of the land, seeing that we are working instead of talking. The cause will go triumphantly forward until there will not be left a single sax on court throat. Are you with me? Who's a fucking idiot? We are. This faction also caused leaks. Those on both sides openly talked shit about the other

to the press. This led to the plans of an invasion of Canada being divulged to Canada, the US, and Great Britain. I mean, okay. So, isn't that good? The odds already against you. Yeah. Maybe your only weapon, which wasn't a weapon, was your secrecy. Yeah. And now Canada is like, oh, the Irish are going to try to take control. Not very many of them, a handful. Now, O'Honey didn't want to be upstage and he wanted to get control of the Finian brotherhood back, so he called the session of what he called the military Congress to discuss an invasion of Canada himself. So wait, now he wants to fucking invade Canada? I mean, like, so

there's, so now there's just two differing opinions on how to invade Canada, as opposed to someone who's like, we shouldn't invade Canada. No, I'll get there first. Upon re-evaluation, we should invade Canada, but this way. May in front. Yeah. At this point in time, the war was over, and the Union had been none too pleased with the British siding with the Confederacy. Also, most Americans thought that eventually Canada would be annexed. Okay. So there were Americans like, yeah, it's going to be ours. The thing up there? It's going to be. Because it's British controlled, so they're like, yeah, we'll get that. It's our hat. That'll be

part of us. And there were now tons of unemployed ex-Irish soldiers milling about who were ripe for Finian recruitment. The Finians had also been allowed to purchase war surplus arms, and the government was basically silent about the Finian plan to evade America. To invade Canada? Canada, sorry. Yeah. It's like when Saddam Hussein was like, I'm going to avoid, I'm going to invade Kuwait. And America was like, sorry. This led the Finians to think the U.S. would support their action. Their belief was once they started fighting and took

some land, the U.S. would come to their aid and a full war with Canada would be on. But I mean, their plan is a lot of like, it's like me being like, I'll get a lot of pussy if I did ton of pie and I would have pie-ed in contests. Well, they think that if they take over land in Canada, particularly around the St. Lawrence River, where the shipping channel is, that they'll then be able to trade that land for Ireland. But it's crazy. It's not, I mean, really, though, it isn't like it's barely grounded in reality, right? Like the only thing that's realistic about it is that you can try it. It's a horrible plan. And it won't

happen. I mean, obviously, it didn't happen, but it won't. You don't know that. It doesn't happen. Do you know Canadian history? Oh man, I know, dude, if this was a Canadian history podcast, you'd have to get someone else. The Finians wrote a battle song called, We've Got Nothing Else To Do. Okay, so as far as battle songs go, and their follow-up, fuck it, we're bored. It's right up there with the rushes, we're shitting on the pot. Got nothing else to do. That's not a battle song. France is a fuck it, why not? The Mexican, We've Got Nothing Thursday, how about then? Oh, God. We've got nothing else to do. At the Military Congress,

O'Mahoney decided to upstage the Roberts Wing and invade Canada on his own. Because he was trying to get there first, the plans were done very quickly. Shocking. They were going to land a Finian force on a Campobello Island near Maine. They would be led by Bernard Killian, and it was far from secret. The Illustrated London News reported, quote, it's here they come, look out. It seems the design of Killian and his accomplices to provoke a breach of neutrality on the part of the native population with a view of causing war between Great Britain and the United States. I mean, it just like, so then when

you're there and you're about to orchestrate your dumb plan, you have to be like, what? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, that's not us. No, we would never, no. I understand what the papers are saying. I'm just here with a thousand of me friends. Me and a thousand of my besties. We're looking for a rainbow. We decided to come here and fucking rainbow hunt for a day. Now, if you don't, if you don't want us here, we understand. Yeah, that's okay. But we're done, no plans of war. No, what are you talking about? We love rainbows. Come on, please. We've got to get to pot of gold. Please. Have you seen a little green fella? Listen, don't listen to sergeant stereotype. I mean, Jeff. It's so neal, you fuck. On April 17, 1866, a Finnean

Brotherhood War Party of 700 men arrived on the main shore opposite the island. But because the whole thing had been so well reported, the British were ready. I mean, so ready. Royal Navy warships were sent to where the Finneans were on a war warships. Yeah, you're you're fuck. You're in over your head. No, it's 700 guys. They're good. I don't know. On April 19th, the United States confiscated the Finnean munitions ship Ocean Spray. That's not good. The Roberts wing called the attempted raid by Omahoni, the East Port Fizzle. The sole accomplishment of the Finnean raid had been to take a Canadian flag from a tiny house on a

different island. That was the mission? Well, no, it's all they ended up doing. Oh, that's what they did. The mission was to actually invade the warships game, so they ended up getting a flag off of some guy's house. Okay, so it turned into one task on a scavenger hunt. We put that up in the clubhouse. Well, I wouldn't say it was a total loss. We did, after all, get that flag from that fucking old lady's yard. Right. Right. We lost, sure. Did we lose 75? We lost a few fellas. We lost a few fellas back there trying to get that flag. But we got a goddamn flag. Well, look, what the point is, we have a novelty-soy flag. This was the end of

Omahoni. What? Stevens came from Ireland on May 11th to accept Omahoni's resignation. Stevens then turned to Roberts. He wanted Roberts to just wait for the time to start the fight for Irish independence. Roberts promised he would not invade Canada. And he invaded it right away. Then, three weeks later, he invaded Canada. Three weeks. They were led by... Like, Canada's like, what's going on? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? Are we bothering you? Yeah, fuck we're Canada. That's our slogan. Fuck we're Canada. Yeah. It's just like... Well, we've got nothing better to do. Yeah, there's song. We've nothing else to do. They were

led by a major in the US Army, Major General Thomas Sweeney, who took a leave from the army to go invade another country. Sorry, he just took a five? Yeah, he was like, ah, you know what? I'm going to leave my position here and then with a bunch of bros, going to try to invade Canada. We have 15 vacation days I'd like to take. His plan was to invade Canada in the east and west, cutting the country in half and keeping reinforcements from arriving in the east. But it's just impass... Like, what? It's just... It's just... You don't know that. Again, it's not... It's pretend. It's... How do you know that? Are they six? It feels like dress up. First, Sweeney

was to send Colonel John O'Neill with 1,000 soldiers across the border near Buffalo in the Fort Erie, Canada. This was to be a diversionary attack, which would allow other raids to progress. On May 22nd, O'Neill got orders to mobilize his men and go to Cleveland by train. At Louisville, Kentucky, he was joined by Colonel Owen Starr and his Finnean regiment. When they were in Cleveland, word came that the attack across the Great Lakes had been aborted. The two regiments were ordered to go to Buffalo. John O'Neill took the troops by train up to Buffalo. He and 150 men left Nashville on May 11th at a stop in Louisville.

Yeah, I already did that. So, then James Haggerty came on board with 100 Finnean troops. All the soldiers were instructed to wear clothes. Work clothes. Work clothes. So they didn't look like soldiers. Right. Okay. They went, don't wear your Finnean uniform. Don't wear your Finnean uniform. All the booze on that train. They were like, yeah, we ran out hours ago. There was... Yeah, there were guys drinking whiskey. I didn't put it in here, but there were all these guys drinking whiskey. I was like, I can't. It's too stern. Oh, of course. Well, it goes, it honestly goes without saying. I mean, saying Irish people on a train, you know they're drinking whiskey. The train pulled into Cleveland late in

the evening of May 28th. O'Neill expected Finnean general William Francis Lynch to be there with boats to carry them to Canada, but there were no Finnean boats in Cleveland. O'Neill and the others hid in warehouses on the Cleveland waterfront while Finnean senators tried to figure out what was going on. What, that's not good. No boats, apparently. That's what was going on. All right, next. So what's your fucking plan in your fake army? Get on the trains to Buffalo, they said. They were on the eastbound trains by Tempia. Finneans were said to be on the move all over New England and along the Great Lakes, and US officials were attempting

to confirm these reports. Finnean commander Sweeney had sent his forces on several contradictory paths, hoping to confuse British spies. Groups of Finnean soldiers left Cleveland by train in all directions, wearing conspicuously uniform green caps and other emerald tinted accessories. So he just sent a bunch of guys off in different directions looking like they were Finneans and then the British and Americans like, what's happening? What? Oh fuck, they're going to Toledo. Like just total chaos. They're in Syracuse. So it's sort of like it is scrambling them a little bit. They are a little like, what the fuck

is happening right now? No, it is a smart move. Okay. Syracuse newspaper reported Finneans moving both ways through the city railroad station. It's amazing that they had to take trains for their invasion. It's, well, how else are you gonna get up there? It's like your mom driving you to a fight. You can't march, you've got to go conspicuously. Yeah, no, we're like, so the train's gonna be 15 minutes delayed, so we'll still be invading, but probably about 45 minutes after. Oh, this train's quite full. Let's renovate, but have a few minutes to yourself before we get on the train and then start the invasion. On the outskirts of Buffalo,

O'Neill's train slowed so men could jump off along the tracks. An earlier wire had warned the Finneans that the Finneans, the city police were waiting for their arrival. Okay, so, right. The Buffalo Circle members led the Finnean soldiers to halls, warehouses, and barns throughout South Buffalo. Later that day, ammunition was loaded into furniture wagons from a train in the Buffalo freight yard. Okay. They got to Buffalo on May 29th and broke into small groups, taking to different homes of the Irish-American community. At midnight on June 1st, Colonel Starr and a small party went across the Niagara River and

secured a tiny village called Bertie Township. Bertie? Bertie. Bertie. So, the objective was to seize Welland Canal, which would paralyze shipping between Lake Erie and Ontario. Okay. On Thursday, May 31st, it became apparent that Finnean forces were massing in the area of Malone and St. Albans for a push across the Canadian border. There was also information pointing to a crossing of the Niagara River from Buffalo. British Army units in Canada were alerted, as well as the voluntary militia of Upper Canada. At sundown, John O'Neill was ordered to lead the Buffalo expedition across the Niagara

River into Canada. Barges had been positioned at a dock in Black Rock, New York, just north of Buffalo, and steam tugs were to take these across the river on the morning of June 1st. Okay. O'Neill's men were given ammunition as they moved from dock to barge. Rifles would be waiting for them on the Canadian shore. Ready? O'Neill was a smart military man with civil experience and the attack was well executed. At the same time, his force was made up of experienced veterans, while Canadian's forces were made up of inexperienced kids. One of the Canadian forces was led by a 42-year-old

businessman from Hamilton, Ohio, named Booker, who had never led a body of troops larger than a battalion. Now he was in charge of an 850-man brigade. So Canada, even knowing that this was probably eminent, was still just like, yeah, we just put this guy who has no idea what he's doing in charge of our army. Pretty much. That'll be fine. And the Irish are sort of like vets who've been fighting, they know their shit, and they're just fucking pissed. Like, thinking it fired up about Canada real easy. Like, they're just like, just put your fucking homage in the accents and go stop them. We're finally attacking Canada. For all the years of fucking us.

Finally, revenge. Yeah, but we did nothing to you. Finally. What? What do you got? Any last words, you fucking Canadian fuck? No, last words. You can't boy fucking family! What are you doing, eh? Stop it! Anil got word that two Canadian forces were marching toward each other to join up, so he went to make sure that didn't happen. But first he destroyed a thousand muskets. Wait, what? These guns were brought for the Irish Canadians who the Finians were sure would flock to them once they heard about the invasion plan. Okay. But none came. Yeah, because they were like, Canada's great. Canada's really fantastic. We got health insurance. It's great. It's great. It's terrific. At the

same time. And have you seen you guys lately? We're not chopping at the bit to get back into that life. I just, just so you can see what I'm talking about. The difference. You guys are invading Canada. We're just living our life. It's sort of like your pigs that a wizard turned into men. And that terrifies us. We're very happy here. We have a daughter. We have a lovely dog. It's part wolf. And you guys are drunk. And the smell is, it's tough. At the same time, because the coming attacks were so well known, the British Embassy in Washington notified authorities in Canada of every Finian move. Okay. Because of the inexperience of

seemingly everyone on the Canadian side, when they came face to face with the Finians, they had not eaten in almost two days. Oh my God. Okay, great. They're fucked. Oh shit. We forgot sandwiches. Does anyone have gorp? Did nobody bring gorp or jerky? Nobody brought any food. I'm sorry. Everyone shut up. Is there literally no gorp? What about poutine? Does anyone have poutine, gorp, jerky, or granola? You guys, we're gonna be fucking hungry. The Canadians had also been given 28 rounds per man. So once the fighting started, they quickly ran out of bullets. Jesus. No bullets, no food. Canada is fighting. So a force made

up of 804 Canadians approached the Finian line and two Finian officers on horseback rode up to see what was going on. Someone on the Canadian side freaked out and yelled Calvary. Look out for the Calvary. Wait. Oh boy. So some dude just ran into a theater and shot it fire. The Canadians then took the shape to avoid a Calvary attack. Because of one psycho? Because some guy yelled here comes a Calvary. It was just two guys on a horse. He was hungry and he just wasn't ready for war and he just was like Calvary. So the way they did this is they formed a big square in the middle of the road

which basically made them ducks in a barrel and there was no Calvary. Just a couple of guys on horses. So O'Neill ordered a bayonet attack and the Canadians ran. It was total chaos. I'm sorry. Just to be clear. So they're all formed on their lines. So there's two Canadians, two Irish ride up. Two Irish Finneans right up on horses. 800 Canadians. Freak the fuck out. Form into a square. Form into a square. So now they can easily be shot and killed and stabbed. And basically just flee. And then the Finneans charge and then they just all run away. Interesting. Is that how they drew it up? It would be great if that was

the general's exact plan. It was total chaos. A lot of Canadians could have died but the Finneans stopped their pursuit to collect mementos on the battlefield. Also they were probably like holding their sides from laughing. They were probably like, do a fuck. I can't fucking stop him. They just fucking ran away. Did you see their fucking plan? Holy shit. They fucking turned into a fucking cube and then run. Fucking hell of pissing over here. I really am. I haven't laughed that hard in the fucking years, mate. Hey, what's this, a trinket? Yeah, look at that. It's a lovely brooch. So the Finneans had won this battle. O'Neill then asked for reinforcements and marched

through the Niagara River. O'Neill's men got into their boats but found themselves staring down the US military steamship, the Michigan. There it is. Once the boats were off the Canadian shore, the Michigan escorted them back to the US and arrested them. Okay. So now the US is trying to figure out what to do with this mess and the Canadians were mourning their lost soldiers and at the same time more Finnean forces were gathering to attack at Malone and Potsdam, New York and in Vermont. A Canadian militia under the... Jesus Christ. Who knew there was an Irish-Canadian war? A Canadian militia under the leadership of

Captain... Did a lot of people know about this? No, I don't think so. Okay. So he was told that a force of 1,500 Finneans were gonna cross from Vermont. Carr sent a scout down to check. The scout just rode into the Finnean camp, counted them all, checked out their weaponry and pretty much everything else and not one Finnean noticed he was there. See, what that dude did was he just acted like he belonged. Yeah. I always think that like when you drive around LA there's so many times they'll be just like a free meal because they're shooting something. There's like craft service. You could just walk up. You literally, if you just, if you

don't question anything, you can just walk up there and just get some fucking macaroni asparagus and like a muffin and get the fuck out. Totally. Nobody and nobody will say shit. No one will say a word. Because everybody be worried. Yeah. Who's that guy? I don't know. Not a lot of people relating it to crafty. So the scout came back and told Carter there were 700 Finneans about to cross the border. So naturally, Carter ordered a retreat and moved his forces 15 miles north of the border. Wait, what? What? Why? I don't know. What is happening? What? What? Are Canadians maybe Irish? It feels very... It's the

perfect Irish war. Like this shouldn't be going as well. On June 7th, the Finneans invaded Quebec and secured four... The Finneans invaded Quebec? Yeah, what the fuck are you guys doing here? Yeah, we're fucking taking your fucking lawnmate. Back? And secured four villages under the command of Finnean Brigadier General Samuels Beers. These Finneans were not as cool as the other ones and they looted houses, stole livestock and terrorized the population. Then Andrew Jackson, president, who loved cheese, loved cheese, loved cheese and loved to fucking duel, he had enough of this shit. On June 5th, he declared the attack as an obvious

neutrality law violation. From now on, US forces would not look the other way if Finneans were going to invade Canada. Not only had the US not joined the fight to help the Finneans, they were now going to stop the Finneans. This was the exact opposite of what the Finneans were expecting. The US impounded Spears ammunition supplies in Vermont. Spears then made a speech in Canada and the Finneans headed back into the US. The speech was like, well, now we're fucked. Let's head back, boys. Okay, boys, let's go. That was fun. The Finneans were furious at the US for what they saw as a betrayal. Spears was taken into custody

by US armed forces when he arrived in Vermont. Further instructions came to arrest anyone near the border who appeared to be a Finnean. That's hilarious. Yeah. Excuse me. Yes. What are you doing? Oh, this is my farm. I'm just farming. Finnean? What? Finnean? Did you say Finnean? Did you say, what did you say? I thought you said Finnean. You say, are you, you're saying you're a Finnean? No, you said Finnean. You just said Finnean. No, I, no, because I thought- Are you a Finnean? No, I'm here farming. Finnean? Finnean? Why do you keep saying Finnean, bro? He's a Finnean! Now the US was in an awkward position. Didn't want to start a war with England

and didn't want to upset all the Irish Americans who vote so the Finneans were quietly released and given train tickets home. So this is the greatest example of who gives a fuck that has ever happened in the history of the world. So let's just reset everything. Let's just pretend it never happened. Reset them. Shh. Shh. Shh. Sweeney returned to the regular army. The New York Times described Spears Raid as quote, an attack on a deserted Dung Hill. The total dead in the Raids was 31 with 103 wounded. Naturally, the Irish were done. Of course not. Why would they be?

O'Neill received a hero's welcome when he returned and the fundraising continued. The Finneans were now, uh, the Finneans now decided not to try to split Canada, instead just invade from the east. But at this point, the US was arresting Finneans and it was getting more difficult. In Canada, they had a big event to celebrate their awesome defeat of the Finneans. Oh god, you fucking pussies! So, uh, yeah, tell the teacher me, don't you fuck with us. We'll fucking take you down. Promise.

Uh, isn't it true that you guys just formed a square and ran? Yeah, but, you know, look at the end, look at the end result of that. Well, that's a military ship, a US military ship. To Canada! Oh, Canada, what are the words? But the Canadian military heads knew they had to get their shit together, especially with the Finneans regrouping and the US not doing much about it. So they rearmed their militias with better weapons that they bought from US weapons manufacturers. Britain then passed the British North America Act, creating the Dominion of Canada.

It prepared to withdraw its forces, Canada would now have to defend itself. Canada began to organize a 40,000 man militia. So the Finneans were instrumental in Canadian, in Canada becoming a country. Canada, I mean, Canada was like, we'll just be really cool. Yeah, we'll be alright. Yeah, we'll be alright. So like, no, we're going to try to fuck you. Oh, God.

O'Neill Starr continued to rise. In 1868, he was elected president of the Finnean Senate. He tried to rebuild the Finnean army for another Canadian raid, but the Senate was not up for it. O'Neill did not give a shit, and he was Irish, so he began to prepare for his own invasion of Canada. Wait. In the spring of 1870. His own invasion? Yeah.

A one-man party? One-man invasion. He called for his own convention in New York City. What? Who calls for their own convention? Like throwing yourself a surprise birthday party. It was sparsely attended, but it resulted in a third Finnean brotherhood faction being barred. What?

I mean, honestly, they're like gremlins. Fucking everywhere now. He built up a base in Vermont, built a supply of 15,000 weapons, 3 million rounds of ammunition, and one field artillery piece. Then he called for the Finneans to come and fight, but only 400 dudes showed up. Sad. On May 25th, 1870, O'Neill led a force into Canada. No. Canada is like, seriously, guys, honestly, guys, we totally get that you want to take it.

We get it. But please. Fuck you. You're Canadian cunts. I know. I understand. Very clear. You guys have been here like every week for the past.

Oh, fuck yourself. I understand. We're fighting, friend. Yeah, yeah, but we have 40,000 people. And let's go. Yeah, but no, honestly, you guys are clearly intoxicated. Fuck these Canadian cunts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. And I know that you have one piece of field artillery, but please just go away. At the same charge. On May 25th, 1870, O'Neill led a force into Canada. At the same time, another very small group was raiding from New York. The Finians had known the Finians were coming for three days, so a large force marched south, while a bunch of smaller militias waited near the border. The Finians crossed the border at noon and immediately came under fire from everywhere.

The Irishmen scattered, many retreating back across the border. Some stayed to fight. At 1 p.m., a U.S. Marshal found O'Neill near the border on the U.S. side and arrested him. But the fight still raged on as some Finians refused to retreat. At 2 p.m., a Canadian cavalry arrived as backup. But at the same time, the New York Finian attacking force arrived. The fight went on. At 5.45 p.m., the Canadians charged, and all the Finians ran back across the border,

leaving most of their equipment. Not one Canadian was killed or wounded. Two days later, the Finians attempted another raid near Holbrook Corners, Quebec, led by General Owen Starr. They took up positions, then a thousand Canadians came to defend their country. The fighting lasted about 10 minutes before the Finians retreated. The Sydney Mail reported that the Finians continued to, quote, deny the truth of the reported defeat.

This time, Tammany Hall, in an attempt to gain some political capital, provided all the soldiers with train tickets home. This looks like two hours and 10 minutes of cumulative battle. Basically, yeah, pretty much. Amazing. So, Neil was no longer hot shit in the Finian world. His evasion was ill-planned and embarrassing. He resigned from the Finian Senate and joined what was known as the Savage Wing,

under the control of John Savage. The old Senate then called for a convention in September 1870 and Cincinnati. I think this is the original Finian group. Who knows? There's nine. They then created a new organization called... What? No, more new parts. Stop.

You're overbranching out. Called the United Irishmen. What a horrible name for this. But they couldn't get anything done, and eventually just turned the organization over to two recent Irish eggsites. What? General John O'Neill was not enjoying no longer being a hero, and he wanted a redemption.

So... No. What? Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. He hatched a new raid plan. No, Dave. This time for real. No.

Raid number nine. We're not fucking around. He needs to let it go. We need four magic leprechauns. No, no, no. John. Listen. A bunch of clovers. No, no, I understand.

But listen. We can't keep trying to fucking take Canada. Well, go in there with Lemriks. No, no, listen. Lemriks. There once was an army from the south. Whose butt kept writing checks couldn't be cashed by their mouth. They'd fight all they could and do what they would.

But at the end of the day, they went to... Manitoba. Alrighty. Thank you. The plan was this time there would be an attack on Manitoba, Canada to capture Fort Gary. The plan was presented to the Finian council who were 100% not interested. Yeah. It's over.

But O'Neill kept pushing. Stop. Finally, the council agreed to supply O'Neill with men and arms if the plans were not disclosed openly. Is that not a no fucking brainer at this point? That is a huge part of this. Okay. This time don't fucking tell anyone. Like, well, we was gonna fucking tell people again because it's fun to talk.

Of course. I get drunk and I say things. It's just fun to talk about. Okay. O'Neill then resigned from the Finian brotherhood and set out on his own to invade Canada as an independent. With five friends. But a British spy was now a member of the Finian military council.

It's even sad that they had to do that. They really didn't have to do that. It's like, it's over. You could send like a dog. He gave 400 weapons to O'Neill, then informed the Canadian police what was about to happen. This new invasion was to take place on October 5th, 1871. The worst part of the evasion plan was that it was all to take place on American soil. What?

The Infiniians were going to invade America from America. In 1870, it had been determined that the international border was too far south and a new survey led to the border moving two miles north, putting the Hudson Bay Trading Company post in the United States. So O'Neill had no idea. Jesus Christ. With 40 insane Irishmen. They just didn't know.

He's going to invade America on accident. With 40 insane Irishmen. With 40 people? 40 people. He attacked and occupied the Hudson Bay Company outpost without realizing the outpost was now one mile inside of the U.S. It's not going to end well for him. U.S. Army Captain Lloyd Wheaton was sent to respond to the invasion of the U.S.

When the army arrived, O'Neill's men dashed into the woods. 10 were captured. One of them was O'Neill. Honestly. He has to know that 40 people, regardless of where it is. It's just completely insane. He has to know that there's no way. No, it's fucking crazy.

But now at this point, he's just like, this is what I do. We're going back in. He's like, look, I'll just keep being sensational even though people stop giving a fuck. After O'Neill's capture, the army learned that 50 British soldiers had rushed over the new border and now occupied the Hudson Bay outpost. The U.S. Army asked the U.S. Secretary of State to demand that the British withdraw from the U.S. But the Secretary of State refused to press the British for withdrawal, claiming that it was well known that the boundary was unsettled and that it was extremely premature to call

the occupation of the post a willful trespass. So the Finneans had actually lost some of the U.S. to Canada. I mean, so they made Canada bigger. On accident. So far, with their actions, they have made for an independent Canada and they've made Canada a little bit bigger. So what they wanted to do was they wanted to take over Canada and instead accidentally invaded the U.S. and Canada got bigger.

Yeah, and stronger. And now they're in the woods like, okay, listen, new plan, new plan. The soldiers who were captured were released as they were considered men who were duped by O'Neill. Like that's just sad. O'Neill and three other leaders were brought before the U.S. Commissioner of the Dakota Territory. He released them all on technicalities. The prosecutor didn't want to pay for the trial.

Like they're just being like, they're just like, guys, just get the fuck out of here. Can you guys just go away? Is that like a thing that can happen? Like I said, you know, we're sorry and whatnot. Like, you know, we obviously realize now that we shouldn't have been, you know, invading Canada as much as we was, you know, but you know, I think if you let us go on our own merits and whatnot, you know, there's no way we'd try to do that again, you know. I mean, maybe like if there was like a movement, but you know, like, I wouldn't be like knocking on doors.

But you know, like I said, a lot of times we actually did have a bit of momentum, you know, going for us and whatnot. So, you know, I'm not saying that. Okay, can you just go? Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Don't please don't come back.

Yeah. Great. Thank you so much. Attorney General Williams was not down with the release. He wanted O'Neill prosecuted. So O'Neill was re-arrested in Minnesota. You're under arrest for the same shit from before. Then the Minnesota Attorney General didn't want to prosecute, so he signed a lack of evidence and let O'Neill go.

You're exhausting. This was the end of the Finnean raids into Canada. O'Neill spent the rest of his life promoting Irish immigration to Nebraska. That's cool here now. There's corn. Let's invade Nebraska. The city was eventually named after him in Nebraska. Oh, Shitheadsville?

There is a fucking city in Nebraska named after an idiot. Yeah, but you know what? He's their idiot. He is. He went there. He loved Nebraska. They're like, he's all my... Yeah, he's our guy. He died on January 7th, 1878, and is buried in Omaha. After 1867, the Irish Republican Brotherhood chose to support neither of the existing

feuding Finnean factions, but instead promoted a renewed Irish Republican organization in America called Clan Nagel. Clan Nagel continued for years and would team up with any country opposed to Britain. This included the Germans in World War I. Of course, the Irish Civil War caused a split in Clan Nagel in 1920 after one of the factions dissolved in 1926, the Clan Nagel, formerly associated with the re-organization Irish Republican Army in the same fashion as it had with the IRB. Clan Nagel still exists today, much changed from the days of the...

I don't know what that is. And as recently as 1997, another internal split occurred as a result of the IRA shifting away from using violence. The country should just be called factions. What the fuck in Irish? God damn it. Those are my ancestors. That is insanity.

Right? Insane. I mean, what the fuck? There's no way that one of my relatives was not involved in that, because they came over during the potato famine. There's no fucking way. But the idea of like an immigrant population in a country deciding to go invade a different country and using this as their home base...

Fucking madness. Repeatedly. Repeatedly. And it's Canada. And there is no chance of doing anything. There's no chance, but it's still like... It would be like declaring a war on puppies. It's like...

What? No. You know? Oh fuck. Well, good to know. Good to know. Go to LAPodFest.com to buy tickets to Los Angeles PodFest in September. And you can also there get the live stream.

You can buy that. Use the coupon code DALLOP. And if you want to see shows this week and next week in Australia, go to DaveAnthonyComedy.com. And there you'll find links to everywhere to buy tickets. That's all, I agree. And clover.