The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 106 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian and our van driver/handyman Luke Simmons Redbubble Merch

Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are going to share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's going to be a whole thing. You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb.

And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy And I think you know while I'm gone having people stay there good way to make a little extra money put towards some some gifts For people it's just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca. Gareth Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch.

Leary plays a legendary colonel put in charge of a non-combat U.S. Army base in the Netherlands full of soldiers who are a little different than what you'd expect. Danny Puddy from Community is the Colonel's second in command. And the base captain is the Colonel's estranged daughter, which obviously complicates things. Don't miss the new Fox comedy, Goin' Dutch, premiering Thursday following a new season of Animal Control on Fox. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Our guest just canceled on us last minute. Had an emergency. What? Yeah. Is that why there's no one here? Yeah. So what about the rest of the podcast?

I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little Our guest just canceled on us last minute. Had an emergency. What? Is that why there's no one here? Yeah, so. What about Jose? He's booked. He does his own podcast. It's called the Pawcast.

But we were here and we were like, should we just fucking do this alone? Well, since we're going to do this, I'm going to be Bat Anthony. No, that's a callback. Well, since we're going to do this, I'm going to be bat Anthony. Now, that's a call back. That's a call back. But during this time, we would do banter. So what do you have to promote, Dave? I am. This is the promotional part.

Two days ago, I was at Hot Tub in Los Angeles. Was that the final one? No, they're doing one more. Hot Tub in Los Angeles. Was that the final one? No, they're doing one more. But they're 20 years of doing that show. Not even a hint of an invite in this direction, but that's okay, keep going. Well, they wanted good people to come on.

I always run into that. And people they enjoy being around. I know. And they also had vegan, a vegan taco place at the bottom of the little hill they have there. And I ate it. And let's just say I've been paying for two days. Oh, wow.

Boy, that'll get you. That'll get you. My body can't handle all that vegan at once. What was it? Vegan meat? It's vegan everything. Yeah, vegan meat. Yeah, vegan cheese. All vegan out of my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.

But wait, what were you going to say about it? You... Fun show. You know, I haven't done stand up in so fucking long. How long has it been? I think I haven't done it since the pandemic hit. I can't remember doing it since the pandemic started. Yeah, I don't think I did.

I don't think I did it in Australia. Because I usually do some in Australia. I don't think I did it in Australia. So I think I did none since then. And so I was really. How much were you prepping? By the way, I think we're going to have a guest joining. No prep.

I did not prep at all. I just had ideas. I had five ideas, jotted down, and I went up and babbled about them. It went well. Thankfully, a CEO was shot that day. Shot the night before, so I had a lot of- Your set list is just words with strike throughs. You know what?

I actually think I got it. I got to say, the audience is really on board with the CEOs getting killed. It's very strange that we talk about this a lot, why don't the Democrats run on these super popular issues. We have found a 90% winner and it is a murder. I mean, that is a shocking number. Yeah, it just shows how low the bar is for them to actually do something that people want.

But I mean, this guy is like, he's like the John Elway of a set. Like he's never gonna pay for a meal again. Yeah. But anyway, we're not here to talk about how great that... By the way, we've been talking about this for a long time, so join our Patreon if you haven't. We're here to talk about a newspaper, Dave. Oh, we also, we're going to go on tours, so go to dollapodcast.com for tour and information. We're going all over. The Pacific Southwest. No all over the Pacific Southwest.

No, not the Pacific Southwest. Sure. No, we're not the Pacific South Atlantic Southwest. So we go to the Gulf of Mexico. South is stop. It's stuff above Mexico. How's that? We're above Mexico. We are. But it's Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and Oklahoma.

No, we're not doing that. We're gonna have a surprise, do you know who the surprise guest is? I do, I just saw. Okay, all right. Well, why don't you, why don't we just start? He'll have no problem jumping in. He will not at all.

He's barely gonna pay attention while here. If I know him right now, his arm's on fire and he's trying to plug a microphone into his computer. And I did buy that hat that I said I sent to you guys last night for Luke to wear on the next tour. Well, tease. Do you want to know what the hat is? No, leave it. Okay.

He's a mayor. He's a mayor of something. A great tease. Okay, the paper. Gareth, you want to guess? Yeah, the year I'll guess that it's 1911. It's 1854. Man, you are ridiculous. I've been off lately, but for a while I did great

and you still had the same laugh. So it's really low stakes for me. It is the Portsmouth Daily Chronicle from Portsmouth, New Hampshire on January 26th, 1854. So just a couple of days before the Super Bowl. Cause the Super Bowl is usually, back then it was at the end of January. So. That's right.

Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. What a, the teams are great. The most offensive team names ever were in the Super Bowl. In position, a scamp calling himself E.S. Peek. I just got that. Espeak, who has been occasionally loafing about Manchester, went to Derry a few days ago, put up at the

hotel of E. Kenny, engaged a hall and gave notice that a grand concert would be given on a certain evening by the Harmonians. Hmm. Explain to me what's happening. A guy who apparently loathes about Manchester rented out a hall. Uh huh. And he is putting on a show. I love it. By the harmonians who are a great group of harmonica. A harmonica. No. No, they're singers.

What am I saying? They're harmonians. Yeah, you can't you cannot have more than one harmonica player playing. Well, there goes the band idea I had. That's part of the rule. Yeah. The whole... You harmonicant do that, in my opinion. Well, that's weird because the band name that I have is the Harmonicans.

Oh, Christ. Those were Native Americans, weren't they? We hear them coming. So he said the harmonious. They're just playing blues music for each other. Just the saddest like they took our land, lie to us. Go ahead. So consisting of John Power, James Power, F. A. Reynolds, H. Savory, and E.S. Peek. So people assembled and they said Peek attended the door and just before the time for commencing arrived he, with the money, was missing. So as E.S. Peek took off with the money for, yeah, he pulled the old. Yeah, he represented to the landlord that a large company would attend

from Nashua for which preparations were made at the hotel. We understand that he's played this game elsewhere. This is what is his fucking what is his con exactly? His con is I'm putting on a show. Everybody buys tickets. They get inside and then he leaves. It's a great idea. By the match, I mean.

There's no contracts, but they're probably were very late. Like they paid you up front. Yeah. Yeah. You just it sounds like the hotel put him up. Like he just rolled up and was like, hey man, I have an idea. Oh, we got a guest.

Well, we are joined by Luke Simmons who foolishly put a green screen behind him. So he's going to be, we invite all of our fans to cut Luke out here and do whatever you want with that background. Yep. Please enjoy the green screen. I'm here to serve.

I heard there was a online jack sesh happening. No, no, no. You heard wrong. No, that's right. You're listening to online jack sesh with Dave and Gareth. Luke, we were going to have a guest. We were going to have you on soon. But then our guest dropped out and we thought, well, let's float it out there. So now gonna have a guest. We were gonna have you on soon. Okay. But then our guest dropped out and we thought,

well, let's float it out there. So now you're a guest. So let's catch you up. Who is doing nothing? Let's catch you up. Dave ate vegan tacos a couple nights ago. Did he or did he not get diarrhea? He did, of course he did.

This paper is from what year is your guess? My guess would be the same year those vegan tacos were made and sealed. 1980. Wow. He's much closer. What? Cause he has an eight in his. Have you listened to this show?

1980 is. He has an eight in the number. Did you have an eight in your guess? No, it's from 1854. So he's going to be my second guess. He had an eight and his guess. He had a one and an eight, so he's way ahead of you. Luke, did you hear about the CEO of United? I did.

Healthcare? Yeah. Thoughts? Are you mourning? I am. It's mourning in America. We just don't know how we're spelling it. Okay, so this first story is basically a guy said he was going to put on a show. The hotel gave him free room, probably free food. He got money and then he didn't. He skipped town with all the money and there's no show.

I like this. All the people went in, bought tickets and went inside. So they're waiting for the show and then he just left. Yeah. I love it. It's pretty good. You know where they're waiting for the show and then he just left. Yeah, I love it. It's pretty good. You know where they're all looking. You just kind of creep out the back door. How fucking great is it to think of the odd? Like you do lights down like, all right. Everyone's like, oh, it's about just quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Go to the bathroom now before it starts. Someone just sitting there eating popcorn. How easy was it to make money back then? It was the best. I love the idea of an usher just being sent out eventually to be like, hey folks, I got some news. So, interesting thing. Quick update. Yeah. The show is going to be me apologizing. Sorry.

And there's still like a couple of musicians like the show is going to be me. No, no, don't. Not helpful. But about them. Luke. Yes. Um, Luke, do you find the name that Gareth uses on this, uh, recording to be offensive? I mean, which day, why don't you say what it is? First of all, it's Dave's dad, Dave's dad, and he's got the title of man. So, um, you know, it depends on if he's, if it's a director

reference to your dad. Yeah. Who killed. Oh, I didn't even think it might be there other Dave's. I know. I'm a general Dave's dad. Yeah. So you're just randomly saying Dave's dad.

So it's Dave's dad's. Yeah. There's a, yeah. So it seems very pointed. Here's an interesting little piece of trivia. My uncle Dave, his dad, my grandfather was also named Dave. So that's several Daves, several generations. You get into kind of like an infinite recursal Dave situation. Double Dave. Yep. Don't ever say recursal on this podcast. Fractal Daves?

Yes. Fractal. Okay. We miss him. Fractal Dave's? Yes. Fractal. We miss him. That's all I'm saying. All right, so this paper's in New Hampshire. It's from 1854. Oh, to pass. To catch up to Dave.

Yeah. You can't pass now. Life and health. Oh, I can't wait for this stuff. Eat through your bottom. Poop through your mouth. The Salem Gazette says that in Massachusetts... The Salem Gazette?

A throat burner. Burn her. There's a whole burner section. Burn her. How to know whether or not you should burn your witch. The annual registration report of deaths and marriages states that Essex and Berkshire counties have been slightly the healthiest in regard to consumption. The same document says- TV. TV.

The same document says- We're doing good. Yeah. Yeah. We're doing real good with TV. The same document says it will be perceived that comparatively as a class, paupers have lived to the greatest age, then follow in succession, agriculturists, public men, professional men, merchants, mechanics, public men, professional men, merchants, mechanics, laborers, and seamen. So they're saying-

The richer you are, the longer you live. No, paupers are people who don't have money. Yeah, but aren't they saying that you live longer the more you go up that scale? No, they're saying paupers have lived to the greatest age. So they're saying- So poor live longest. And people who don't work.

That's what it is. People who don't work. Or people who are like, why don't they get inside and drink some cool, clean water out of our lead pipes? Yeah, right. That's right. Yeah. Why don't they stick around in a room

and cook their supper in steel and iron? Close those windows, gang. Why he hasn't had a chance to see a doctor and be prescribed pure natural cocaine. I mean, they're just sitting inside coughing and they're like, well, why are we all getting so sick? We hope no one will infer from these facts that pauperism is more favorable to longevity than any other condition.

I just did that. They're right. Not working is what we should all be doing. Shut up, boy. Fell right into the trap. For we suppose they only prove that very poor people, when they happen to be very old, are commonly and very properly maintained by the town or city.

And so when they die, our registers poppers bullshit. Interesting. Even if it's not bullshit, it's like, all right, great. That's a great system. Yeah, but I don't think they, but I don't think they did take care of them. I mean, sometimes they did, but no. Well, it's probably hard for people to picture a time when we didn't take care of people like that.

Luke, I don't know if you've listened to the show. One thing I like to do is highlight the way that things are still awful. Oh, I see what you've done. Sort of flipped it around a little bit. By the way, if you think the way Dave texts about you on our group text is bad, you should be on the one with Burns. It is full-blown illegal what happens on that thread.

Mm-hmm. That's Burns' secret kink though. Burns takes shots like nobody has. Burns is just getting beaten like a rug in the group text. He likes it. I think part of him must like it. The amount of times where all caps in the group thread Burns goes, what is wrong with you

too? Like, cause he's like asking about if we could record or something. Yeah. Something very simple. It's something very simple. He's like, can we move at a half hour tomorrow? It's like, we should kill you. And he's like, what?

I'm just asking you a scheduling question. It's thick. It's the opposite of a praise kink. He likes it. Yeah. Yeah, he does. Doxin does his favorite dog. Cause he likes crawling with his belly to the earth,

keeping it low, being kind of like, what, what's happening? Is that true? He loves Doxins. Do you know Doxins? I know that he likes Doxins, but then he lost me. Those are not good dogs. Whoa.

Taking it up with burns. Wow. They're little dickheads. Like they're not. Stop it. They're little dickheads. They're not great dogs. They have a lot of fucking issues. But now it makes sense that Burns would like that. It's not so much the fact that it drags his tummy on the ground. It's that they're emotionally weird. Wow.

By the Niagara, there is a report that another duel between Mr. Sue Lay and Lord Howden. I know who I'm rooting for. Was only deferred on account by the death of one of the members of the ladders family. Oh, wow. So they had to can't do it because someone died. Yeah.

You got a duel in a duel, a duel, a funeral before pre duel. In a duel? A duel. A funeral. Pre-duel. Oh. A person perished. So they're like, wow, I guess we got to delay that. But the truth is, what I've learned from the podcast is that dueling, to me, was like, even in movies, the way they set up dueling, like, one guy died.

It was like, actually two guys missed and then people were like, let's get pie. That's right. That's how it works. So I'm actually surprised you've learned anything from this podcast. I've learned a number of things, but that's probably there's, I think as you've learned,

I've not learned a lot and then I've learned some stuff. And what people like to fixate on is what I've missed. How far off do you think we are from dueling coming back? Oh, fuck. Club, we got a lot closer this week. Yeah, not far. There has been some growling in the papers against President Pierce for appointing this mon sur soleil, our minister to Spain.

Mr. Sun. But we always thought it a very fit appointment. If it is our manifest destiny to be a filibustering people and get all Mexico and Cuba and other countries whose names have not yet transpired as it seems to be, and to do it all by all sorts of means, especially by picking all sorts of quarrels, then Mr. Soleil and his hopeful son are precisely the bad guys. Mr. Son's son?

It's crazy. And will represent us as better than anybody else. Only they may be a trifle too fast. I can't tell if this is pro manifesto. That's what's so great sometimes about these articles where you're just like, what? What are we saying? I can't tell if this is pro manifesto. That's what's so great sometimes about these articles where you're just like, what? What are we saying?

There's a lot of passion, what? It sounds like Mr. Soleil and Mr. Soleil Jr. both like to fight. They're like, if we're looking for somebody to fight, they're gonna fight. Yeah, you gotta do Mr. Son, the son boys. The son boys and the author seems not to want to take a side so that he doesn't get fought by either the pro fighters or the anti fighters. So you're saying he's doing dual neutrality just so.

He's just trying to stay out of it. By the way, if I was back then, let's do a, here's a, challenge me to a duel. It's 1854, challenge me to a duel. Sir, you have offended my honor and I challenge ye to a fight to the death. No, I'm sorry, shouldn't have done that. See you later. What? Yeah, that's it, I'm out, I leave. That's it, I would just be like, nah, that's crazy, come'm out. I leave. That's it.

I would just be like, nah, that's crazy. Come on. Did you hear? He double insulted him by refusing his duels. He'd just be like, nah, that's crazy. That's something that people, though, pick up on is that all duels happen because someone wouldn't apologize. Yeah.

I mean, by the way, in the amount of times in my relationship where I've been like, hey, I'm sorry. I'm just like, hey, I'm sorry. Like I'm just like, that's a pretty good card to play. Yeah. I was like, all right, my bad. Let's watch a movie. And you've been challenged to several duels as well. I have, I have.

I'm not taking it. I demand satisfaction. Yeah. That's how this podcast ends. We've said it for a while and without question it really should. Everything's going to shit and Dave and I for Patreon, are like, one of us dies.

We'll just get shot in the gut. If we get 13,000 subs, we'll duel. I think you could do it with Roman candles. We used, I mean, I've done that. Paintballs, I've done a paintball duel and I lost. Yeah, paintball duel. It was awful. We used to do well.

The problem with a paintball duel is when you start losing, you're gonna lose real bad. I bet. Does the person keep shooting you after shooting once? You can't be like. No, that's not, but that's not how a duel works. You shoot once. You just get one shot.

I will say this. I don't know how he'll feel about me volunteering him, but I bet Burns and I would duel on film if you guys got to a Patreon level and wanted us to duel. It's great. It's great. Yeah. When I was like 12, we used to do ramen candle duels all the time. Yeah.

One time I had come home from college for a break and I had been to Amsterdam that semester and so I brought home this huge bottle of Absinthe and we were all drinking it in my friend's grandmother's house who had just passed away and he was in charge of like taking care of it for his family and he was not drinking because he had flipped his car with a DUI earlier in the summer.

This story's called tangential details. Regardless, we were messing up his grandma's house. Todd was like, I really don't want any of this happening. I don't know why you guys chose here to do this. And I said, Todd, listen, you just got a new paintball gun. How about this? I will let you shoot me one to five times, depending on how many shots you can hit,

as I run shirtless across the backyard, if you let us drink this bottle of absinthe. And Todd was like, 100% You've always been Luke. Yeah. What I didn't know it was it was like a sub machine gun paintball. And so as soon as I stepped out into the yard, I was like, I'm like, and I just I went down and then he just was passing it around. And from the deck, they were like, and I just, I went down and then he just was passing it around and from the deck,

they were like an execution squad. It was horrible. I woke up. It looked like I had been stung by a hundred giant wasps. Anyway, here's my first paintball duel. Watch out. I've heard this story three different times and I still go, I don't get it. I don't either. It's just crazy. Have you tried absinthe? No, it's great. For fuck's sake.

All right, come on Dave, let's lock it up. Wow, okay. Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows, and I'm flying my dad in, and my father and I are gonna share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly, really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make him touch the Liberty Belt. It's going to be a whole thing. You know,

while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb. And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb. It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy. And I think, you I think while I'm gone, having people stay there, good way to make a little extra money, put towards some gifts for people, it just kind of feels like a smart thing to do, and it's really great because it's very flexible, which fits my lifestyle.

So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca. Gareth Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch. Leary plays a legendary colonel put in charge of a non-combat US Army base in the Netherlands full of soldiers who are a little different than what you'd expect. Danny Puddy from Community is the colonel's second in command.

And the base captain is the colonel's estranged daughter, which obviously complicates things. Don't miss the new Fox comedy, Goin' Dutch, premiering Thursday following a new season of Animal Control on Fox. The new Bedford Mercury says the account of the attempt to arrest the fugitive slaves in that city by the Portsmouth Globe is a mess of stupid statements. Wow. Wow. So we're, okay. So we're shitting on the Portsmouth Globe. Yes. Yes.

Okay. So, so some, someone tried to arrest a fugitive slaves. It says there was no excitement in the city and not 10 persons knew anything about the matter at all. It's just so funny when you're like empathy is like, that's humiliating. Yeah. The Globe alleged that the bells were rung to alarm the people and that the occasion furnished text in the pulpits. The idea that you have a fucking amber alert for people that are trying to be free. It's a yeah, it's totally it's an amber alert.

Yeah, just the bells. Oh, no. Run it. Oh, boy. They just take out Roman candles. Get them, boys. I really wonder. The slave hunters were doubtless fearful of dangers that did not exist. The bells were pro... Oh, so the slave hunters thought they were ringing the bells to get the people out after the slave hunters, I think.

I think that's what they're saying. Oh, interesting. The bells were probably rung for some lecture or other common purpose, and the texts might be accidentally taken or might relate to Gardner Dean's abduction. So now I don't know what's happening. Dean?

This is the now. So with more information, it sounds like these proto law officers heard a sound and panicked and thought that they were under threat when they were in fact, actively pursuing minorities. Yeah. What a different time. And then like a Luke story, they just threw in Gardner Deed's abduction.

Well, there's probably some guy with the bell guy and he's like, how many rings for slaves? Like you idiot, you just did the Gardner's missing. Oh shit. Everyone's going to be super confused. How many rings for slaves? Like you idiot, you just did the gardeners missing. Everyone's going to be super confused. So they made an extravagant story, but the Mercury, though, a pretty smart paper, does not know that all goes in on the. The mailman's here. Is there a fugitive gardener in your. Yeah, what do you got? Gardner Dean in your house? There's a fugitive mailman's here. Is there a fugitive Gardner in here?

Yeah, what do you got, Gardner Dean in your house? There's a fugitive mailman. Does not know that all goes in on New Bedford. Its statement quoted above confirms the truth of the story that there was such a hunt and that it failed of its object. So yeah, so they rang the bells and the slave owners probably went and did a little fucking

wilding on just normal people because they thought they were going to be attacked. I mean, that's what this sounds like, right? Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. What a cool system. Cool time.

Cool time. I like, that's what I love about America. You said it and you forget it. You don't have to change a thing from the start. Yeah. No, I've always loved when like Mitch McConnell has been like, well, of course, I'm not going to apologize for slavery. I wasn't alive for it.

You're like, oh my God. How hard is it to just be like, yeah, I was so fucked up. I'm not going to do that bullshit. An important order with reference to the public health has been offered in the New York Common Council directing that a committee be appointed to investigate the cow stables and milk manufactories situated in the upper part of that city. More than we're doing for bird flu. With a number of cows which die weekly through intoxications and other

ills and diseases pertaining to their management. Well, it is in upper- We got drunk cows? It is in New York, so they're probably not eating great. No. And like these are cows in the Bronx? These Bronx cows. Okay. Give them a little more pizza.

I bet it's Manhattan at that point. Hey, this cow loves a cow's own. Look at him. Oh. These cows. Forget a cow did. Hey, these cows are super sick. Hey, I'm going to take the cows down to the Schwarm a king.

Hey, give him the, I call it a cow pie. Hey, what do you want? It's all chocolate. Come on, get a cow. Yeah, just like feeding him little Caesars. There you go. I'm sorry, this cow doesn't like the chopped beef sandwich. Yo, this cow ain't cut out for New York.

Hey, let's get two calzones and a big old pie for this cow. All right. Hey man, these cows are super sick. God damn, this one's tummy drags on the ground. Hey man, this one cow died and exploded. These cows are really sick. Oh, I haven't seen this much diarrhea since that guy ate a vegan burrito. Spoiler, he got diarrhea.

He got real bad diarrhea. Speaking of pending diarrhea, the amount of snacks I have for Luke to do a segment the next time I see him for Patreon, we're ready to roll. And I would say I hope they don't go bad, but I kind of hope they do. Yeah. Yeah. For those of you who don't know what we're talking about,

Luke ate a possum flavored piece of candy. It's horrible. It was really horrible flavored piece of candy. It's horrible. Really horrible. It was amazing. It was amazing. It's still I mean, like it's one of the few things. Smell makes me gaggy if I think about it. Just so good.

It's real rough. Pass young. OK, the story is continuing. If the committee doesn't does its duty thoroughly, we shall see some sad revelations of human life sacrifice to cupidity. Cupidity. That's got to be, what is that? Like love or something? Like cupid?

I think cow love? Cow love, better. Yeah. Yeah. Cupidity. The cows which are fed with slops from the distillery and brewery begin to decline in how you give them some more of this whiskey mush. They shovel the stuff out of the bottom of this barrel. And he's got these guys are pretty sick because I gave them fermented yeast. I don't know why.

I don't know what's up with these cows. So the cows which are fed with the slops from the distillery and brewery begin to decline in health almost at the moment when they begin to feed on this. So what are we doing? Why is there even a committee? Should not one person just be like, whoa, that's not a good idea. Furthermore, in feeding the cows bleach, they seem to decline as well. Yes, you up in the front. Go ahead. Why don't we feed them grass? It's an interesting pitch, but what we've been trying to do is feed them sort of a mushy brandy. So we're kind of trying to get to the bottom of what's going on.

Yeah, you again. Go ahead. Quick follow up. Did they eat mushy brandy out in nature? Is that what they eat? No, no, no, no, no. No, cows prefer grass. Hey, things of that nature. But what we've been doing is trying to give them a bit of a mash. So it's a bit of a, a burbany brandy mash. Yes. Go ahead. Should we just feed them what they eat in nature? Well, I think what you're missing is that we've been trying to sort of give them a burbany gruel and they're eating that and they have been getting very sick. So we're trying to kind of get to the bottom of that. Yes, new guy.

Has anyone tried kicking them in the throat? We have tried kicking them in the throat. It's not, they don't seem to respond to that, but that's a pretty good question. Maybe we'll give that a shot as well. So yep, go ahead. You again. Jesus Christ. Can we feed them human feces? That's a very interesting idea we have been talking about just shitting down their throats so we'll probably give that a

shot but for the time being we think that the problem is they're not used to the mushy bourbon gruel so we'll be giving them that for a little while longer just to see if that balances out. Last question, because you are really just the thorn in my side. Go ahead, yeah. I think all of my body is rotting out and I just mostly eat cow.

Has anyone tried kicking him in the throat? That's a great call. So we'll kick that guy in the throat, cows should be good. Thanks everybody for coming out to this. This is a terrible meeting. My name is Mike Miller. Hi, Mike. Hi. Harper's new monthly for January comes without the pictures

on account that's a big player back then. What? So I got to do mind photos on account of the fire. Well. But the reading matters as good as ever. I mean, the Harpers did burn down back. Oh, it did. Yeah, the whole thing burned down.

So whatever. Still make your fucking paper. Was there illustrator inside? Yeah, the illustrator. He's just holding onto his pencils. Donald, no! Donald, get a quick sketch of the fire. Ha ha. I'm trying. I's just holding onto his pencils. Donald, no! Donald, get a quick sketch of the fire. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.

His pencil's on fire. Goddamn pencil caught fire for some reason. Donald, everything's wood! Stop holding paper! You've got tinder and wood! My belongings! My belongings! My belongings! He's holding paper and wood.

His pencils and papers are on fire. Donald, think of the long term. I'll need these to sketch the four. Why do they make paper flammable? Who knew paper and pencils were basically blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub I got the time I did on for the new drawings. Donald's art is really taking a dive. The drawings will be a little late this month. OK. All right. He's still got it. A correspondent writes to the Post that

what's GEO GEO. Well, it's a big issue or something. Geo Lippard Esquire, the author, is sick and destitute. He is residing in an almost dying condition without proper attendance or care in the second story of an old house situated in an unfrequented part of Philadelphia. Oh, my God. What a Crazy story. I really feel like this.

Go help him. What are you? Why are you bringing them? I feel like this should launch Luke into some story about fireworks. I'm shocked that hasn't come over. It just, it really feels like listening back. They treated a lot of the news like a nature photographer

would today where they're like, we can't step in and help. Yeah. It is a bit documentary documentary and like let it play. Now what happens? He's rotting in there. He's calling for help. Women's screens help me to me. I do nothing. A journal entry.

Do you remember that famous South, I think it was a South African photographer who took it, but he took a picture of a kid in Ethiopia and there was like a vultureulture like standing right in front of him. And everybody lost their minds. And the guy got all these death threats and killed himself. Yeah, he did kill himself. I believe a couple years later, because he was like, I was the wrong move. It retrospectively. No, no, he

know he they didn't let the kid died. They went and then they saved him. He took the picture, but people saved the kid. But everyone's just like, I can't believe you let him die. And he's like, I didn't. The people were helping him. And then did he take his own life? I believe so, yeah. So it's the worst of both worlds.

Yeah. I think he would just kind of was bummed out by watching hundreds of thousands of people starve to death. Well, he wouldn't make it in today's world. Toughen up. Do what we do. Love it. Cute CEO. What are you talking about? All right. The unknown island.

The British Brig Chatham was lately wrecked on an island in the Pacific. Hitherto undiscovered. Hitherto. Whyed. Hitherto. Why don't we bring that back? How are you spelling that? Hitherto. H-I-T-H-E-R-T-O. It's great.

If someone made that point, I'd be like, curb him. Hitherto. Open his mouth on concrete now. As he's eating curb. Hitherto. Hitherto. Hitherto. Hitherto. Hitherto. now as he's eating curb to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to wretched night, expecting to be speared every moment. One star would not revisit. The next morning commenced our naturalization. We were all drawn together and armed with spears and marched off

to the north end of the island, as we supposed to be there. Sacrifice to their gods, for they have many. That is crazy to arm. You're getting a spear. You're like, oh, cool. I don't know. I mean, he may have just been a different way to say it, but I think they were. I think they were held by Spears.

I don't know if they were in Spears. But yeah. That's what happened to Brittany. She was held by Spears. Oh, no, no, you're right. Oh, what? Damn you. Why? But the training and well, to me one more time. But the training ended well,

and we were taken to our respective houses. Rating. Imagine the trade. Wait, and then they were taken to houses. Their house, their respective houses again, where they were being kept. I mean, when you get back, like, all right, hey, let's real quick, while we have a minute, what the actual fuck is their plan right now?

What are they doing? Like, we become amazing fighters. Now we live in a house. Okay, look, so here, so I'm scared because what these people are doing is giving us spears, showing them how to use them, and they're giving us houses. And then this is this island is fucked up. Like savages, real weird prisonry.

We have to kill them before they do whatever bad thing is coming. Look, they're preparing a feast. They just come in and they're like, you have to vote one person off. Like, what the fuck? For several days, this trading for several days, this trading was carried on differing only as their modes of worship differ according to which of the gods they worship. We then found that we were considered supreme beings.

Oh my God, boys, another new twist. We're gods. See, we were, I, look guys, we were paranoid because every island we go to, we kill everybody. And so. Just so you know, normally in this situation, you guys have a terrible reputation of eating us, but you're elevating us.

This is awesome. And that we had nothing to fear as long as they thought so. The natives worship idols. By the way, that is an amazing way to put your, sorry, what was it? You have nothing to fear as long as we thought so. Okay. Then day two, David got diarrhea. Oh, gods don't get diarrhea. What have you done, David? What have you done? Jesus, put a cork in it, idiot.

Spirit. The natives worship idols, departed spirits of their own race and have godsmen or species of pagan priests among themselves whom they worship on particular occasions. Okay. So whatever. So that was it. That's the story. Happy ending.

I wonder, is that like, like Island PR? Like someone's like, we got to get out some of these feel good stories about where instead of eating these guys, we're actually making them gods among us. Well, I just think in every case where white people meet other people, we're like, they're terrifying. Let's get them. Well, but I also think that I'm always like, kill the white people. Yeah. Like in my I'm like, that's the right move. But if white people on boats show up, the move is to just kill them right away. I love that one tribe that's still uncontacted. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And every time they show up, they're like, get them quick.

It's like they're doing that. This is the correct choice. That's right. I'm making a tech talk about these people who have never learned about TikTok. Yeah, well, there was that Christian guy who went out there to try to convert them and that didn't work. Nope. Nope. Well. Education Dangerous. The Shepherd of the Valley, a Catholic newspaper published in St.

Louis, utters the following singular sentiments in relation to popular education. We're not friends of popular education as present understood. Hey, by the way, in 2024, you are still not. Oh, my God. Friends with popular education. Oh, my God. The popular popularity of a humbug shall never, we trust, lead us to support it. We do not believe that the masses of our modern reformers insultingly call the laboring class

are one wit more happy, more respectable, or better informed for knowing how to read. I think they don't want the masses to know how to read. Wow. To be honest, I don't know if I've most of the things I read. Don't make me happier. Yeah. OK, that's true. I think the more you know, the less happy you are. If you balance out the things I've read that I'm like, I'm happy having read that versus like, oh no, what? I read for, I wouldn't say read for depression, but I read to go like, yep, that's

right. It's real bad. We think that the masses were never less happy, less respectable or less respected than they have been since the Reformation. And particularly within the last 50 to 100 years since Lord Brahm caught the mania of teaching them to read. The mania of teaching them to read. Give it a shot. The mania. And communicated the disease, the readings of disease, the disease to a large proportion of the English nation of which in spite of all our talk, we are often in the servile imitators. Wow.

So the Catholics don't want people to read. Betsy DeVos. Bingo. Our entire Supreme Court. We hope our Catholic readers will think of this and say what they think. Is it better to learn or be ignorant? Wise or foolish?

Is it better to be able to read papers and write letters or to have a priest read for us and tell us what he pleases? Oh my God, it's crazy. These are the questions. That's so crazy. I mean, it's the same today. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's just like it's the same show where it's like, would you rather do

your own research or should I tell you what you think? Yeah. What did your son say about yesterday? He said he had a great time getting ready for mass and that no one touched him. He was not touched. He was undouched. He was not touched. Lady, there's a little WANAD stuff.

By the way, WANAD with lady, that's not great ever. That's all right. Lady needed to berate. Lady's fur lost.. Ladies fur lost. Ladies fur lost. They call it the Brazilian. Monday, January 23, somewhere between Portsmouth and Exeter, a Norway sable fur tippet.

Sable? Said fur might have been left at the Squam Scott House Exeter. If not, it was dropped between there and the city. Any person returning the same to the residence of Robert Liff Fabor. Dave, is it true after you ate tacos, you got Squam Squat? Burrito. Yeah, right. OK. Massive scums. Squam Squat. Squam Squat. And you did clean up with a sable tippet. I got a sable tippet. I got a sable tippet.

Boy wanted in a store, acquire at number 18 Pleasant Street. Oh, my God. Excuse me. What are you looking for? I'm not going to get into that. We want a boy and we need a boy. It'd be so amazing to put that same ad in the paper. Oh, my God. Fucking we should start dropping weird ads in.

Oh, my God. Boy wanted. Inquire a pizza place in Washington, DC. 12. Looking for a boy about 12. Call me. French Capskins just received a prime lot of French Capskins and for sale low at 14 and a half Market Street, corner of Vlad Street. How do you have a half? How do you have a half? How do you have a half market?

There are no addresses yet. How are you already doing a half? You know, as someone who one time lived in a half, I lived in a half. The worst, it is such a nightmare to have a half. I can't even imagine back then, but you had a half and you would be like, like you'd be on the phone with like a company be like, yeah, I need to get like internet here and they'd be like, all right. And are you eight, six, four, eight, six,

five? You'd be like, I'm eight, six, four and a half. They're like, right. Sorry. No. What we need. I'm telling you, I'm a half. Okay. Hold on. Shut down the system. No half. We need a new computer. It is shocking. It's like you can't. I mean, what? You're a half. You're although it's on. It's usually an honest reflection of the apartment. It's like this isn't this can't get a whole one.

This is not six. I don't think that they are of a value like you're not a whole apartment. Well, I've looked over the apartment as an appraiser and this one is shit. So you are you and your neighbor are splitting an address. Your place is just not what we consider an apartment. What you would totter halves. They should do A or B works right. You can be way better. Yeah.

Half is crazy. Half is crazy. Yeah. A or B works, right? A or B, way better, yeah. Half is crazy. Half is crazy. Yeah, A or B. Again, being a half, awful, okay. At this time, it's 1854, you can just go down the street and go, hey, we're moving everyone's number down one. You could be like, you're gonna be Rogers Road. Like literally, you're gonna be your own city. You're Ray'sville, Ray. So yeah, now you're Ray'sville.

Yeah, now you get your own zip code. Nothing means anything. It's 1854. By the way, we got distracted by the 14 and a half, but the ad is for French calf skins. That's right. Like back of your shin? The ad is for French calf skins. Mm-hmm. That's right. Like back of your shin?

I don't know. Yes, right. I think so. Yes, right. Where I do, yeah, leg lifts. If you have skipped leg day, you just wrap these around. There it is. Here you go.

Is this prosciutto? No, it's back of my legs. You like this? What do you do? Five francs per or two for eight? You want to lick it while it's on me or you like to lick it, take it off. What should I do with this? You cook it up in a little olive oil sometime as you eat the back of the calf skin.

Very nice. Okay, great. Just lovely. Take a bit of the calf skin, slowly butter. Lovely. You're going to love this project. Gaston, beautiful calves. You've really worked on them.

Leg lifts, yeah. Legs there, yes. Lovely. You're barely a quad. This is a fun thought experiment. There was a guy. This comes up. Whatever he's going to say. Yep.

This is what it's like being in the van. Yes. I can tell you what's going to happen now is going to be terrible. Yes. It's something I like to bring up if someone's getting on my case for being a vegetarian and they're like, oh, you wouldn't eat meat. I'm like, well, here's a puzzler for you. There was a guy who lost his whole leg clean in a motorcycle accident.

And the hospital was like clean, but it just like sheared off. So it was just like, sure, all solid leg. And the hospital was like, Do you want it? Because we're just gonna incinerate it. He's like, Yeah, I'll take it. And he brought it home and he invited everyone to come over and made leg tacos. See, this is why people don't want to hear what Luke's gonna say.

Well, I remember when we were we were all commiserating over what we read? Like, we're all like, yeah, exactly. And then Luke's like, let me tell you a story about a guy who did a leg potluck. Because here's the thing, I'm a vegetarian, but I'll try a leg taco if it's being offered by the great legate. What? It's like he's answering questions that are nowhere near being asked. No one's asking that.

Nobody was like, hey, Luke, let me put you in a quandary. How this started was he's like, whenever people give me shit for being a vegetarian, I hit them with this leg taco tail. Imagine being out and hearing that Luke make that argument and be like, hey, man, we're having two different conversations. And different meals, how are the tacos?

Luke, did he tell people that they were like tacos? He invited them over specifically to have leg taco. And did people eat it? I think some of them did, and it turned into a bit of a scandal because the police were like, why? He's not allowed to do that. And he was like, why isn't he allowed to do it? Yeah, exactly.

I also love the cops showing up. All right. All right, put the leg down or taco We got a nine four two six one eight eight four one and a half guy making leg tacos at his little party Wait, is that a nine two six four eight a or a half half? It's leg tacos I don't think we can do that in the computer. I guess you're right. It's actually a quarter because it's only one leg, so it's a fourth of the body. We're actually not sure what you're saying. Can you re-pronounce? Sorry.

This guy's serving leg. So the movie is that one of the guys that goes there loves leg tacos and then he's always making leg tacos and to do that he kills people. I think the movie is someone in a bar asking Luke why he's a vegetarian, he's like, you really wanna know why? Did you ever hear the story about the guy whose leg got ripped clean off?

Because once you've had leg taco there's no going back, nothing else will serve. Well then they find out that the guy's leg didn't get ripped off in a motorbike like he cut it off to make tacos for his friends because he's a serious vegan I don't make it a fucking point guys name is Luke Simmons amazing this all started with Luke they like Let me jump in. So sometimes people will ask me why, sometimes people ask me why I don't eat fish. I just hit them with the leg taco. Cause I think the fish would rather not,

but the leg wanted to be a taco. So will you eat lamb? So one time a guy's leg came off in a motorcycle accident and he invited people over and made leg tacos and the cops were dicks. I'll eat gam. I won't eat lamb, but I'll eat gam. There's just, you just see a regular party

with like a huge moat around where Luke's standing. Hey, did you talk to that guy? Yeah, he hit you with that leg taco stuff. He got damn right he did. And then me from the background going, how's the barbacoa? He's living in another version of the conversation we're having right now. Yeah, completely.

Like he's like, some guys like, where's the barbacoa? We're like, what are you doing? Let me tell you about leg ducking. I made several different types of meat out of this. You got the asada, you got the barbacoa, you got the burrito. You got the asada, you got the barbacoa, you got the burrito. I fed my leg a butt. I patéed my calf. French style. Luke, is there a part of the human body you wouldn't eat?

On offer. On offer is a crazy follow-up. It's got it. You have to know the starting point. No, no, not on offer. Nope. Then none., it's an offer. Okay, on offer. Say it's on honestly depends more on the person offer is someone who's talked far too much about cannibalism. We talk an on offer or what's the deal? I think it depends on the person and their diet.

If they're doing a lot of like Baja blast Mountain Dew kind of stuff and like, so like you. You know, smoke in and. I wouldn't eat myself. I would not eat me. Sure not, I wouldn't recommend it. Luke, Luke being disgusted by me. If it's some guy who goes to a gas station

and finds like Tamarand potato chips or something like that, pass. I can tell you from inside the experience, not delicious. Oh my God. Hey, rocky road flavored pretzels. That sounds good. If they don't make that. Hey, did you guys know they made a beef soda?

Yeah, it's just Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke gets in the van and you're like, what are you eating? And he's like lizard combos. And you're like, copy that. What happened? Oh my God. If it's artificially flavored lizard, I'm curious. All right.

This is another ad. Best entertainment in the country. Chappelle's great kinetoscope of the island of Cuba. Whoa. The most magnificent panorama in the world. This splendid painting, which has attracted so much attention, was executed by the great American artist Chapelle, who, with the assistance of two talented artists, devoted more than seven years to this great work.

Major Felch of Boston. Oh, boy. Major Felch? I'm really more of an admiral. I love to get the semen going. The rear admiral specifically. The rear admiral. How are we going to get all the semen out of this place in one big move? Admiral Feltch, any ideas?

Well, well, it's crazy enough to work. I'm not in the military, but I have a position, let's just say. We've got to suck these boys out of danger. Admiral Felch. Having purchased this wonderful production of art, now fully completed at a net cost of fifty five thousand dollars, respectfully informs the citizens of this place that he will open it at the Tamili? On what? Oh, it must be a theater. On Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Saturday evening, positively the last. On Saturday afternoon at three o'clock, the entertainment will be given for ladies and children. Mm hmm. That this is a picture. Uh huh. This is a picture. Ladies and children. No boys. Whoa, mom. No man. No. That nothing will be wanting on the part of the management to make this the best entertainment ever offered

and engagement has also been affected at large expense with the celebrated Sig Morillo who will introduce at each exhibition his renowned Lilliputian family or the Italian Fentacossini. I feel like the fact that they had a women's and children's exhibition means some dudes were jacked into the painting. Just the guy Sig just had his penis out and he's like, there's no men here so we can all be ourselves.

Look at the tiny guy. Yeah, let me walk you through this. Look at that. Look, he's got a little admiral's hat on him. Oh boy. Oh, here comes Major Felch. Uh-huh. He's at half mass. There's been a tragedy.

Squish, squish, squish, squish. Tickets only 15 cents. Doors open at seven. Overpriced, even for now. Felch and Bartlett Propires. Felch. Overpriced, even for now. Felsch and Bartlett proprietors. Felsch. Hey, Felsch, people, people, he's just drinking a milkshake. Felsch, stop.

Yum. How'd the show go? Okay, sudden death. Michael Gallagher, an Irishman about 30 years of age, was found dead in his bed at the residence of his brother in Market Street, Newburyport on Sunday morning. The day and evening previous, the deceased had been about the city as usual, but had been a hard drinker for some time past and probably drank to excess before retiring on Saturday night.

Sure. He must have died without a struggle as his wife, a worthy sober woman by his side, had no intimation of it until she found him dead and cold in the morning. I mean, it's sort of strange to think he's going to scream in his sleep and die. Yeah. You die, you just die, sometimes you die in your sleep. Yeah, and that's just the way to go. Lucan is the way to go. Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. What's the conflict as far as eating? This is, again, this is one of the great things about conversation. Now there's a weird principle, can't wait for it. If it was in his will, hey, I'd like to be eaten, okay. But I think if it's just like, okay, let's eat them, that very quickly, they're gonna, you know,

Amazon's gonna sell people jerky. They're gonna be like, it died. What do you want? He or she died. They died. I mean, I get the distinction, but it's still just it's strange. It's a fabricated.

It is. It is strange. Luke, we're having a conversation with Luke there. And then Luke's behind us. I agree. What the hell, dude? There's another Luke? I'm two minds on it.

A jury of inquest was called who after a session of an hour and a half rendered a verdict that quote, he came to his death by habitual intoxication. Oh, wow. Well, but so an hour and a half, they looked at him, and then they were like, yeah. He's pickled.

They just Irish. They honestly, that is exactly what happened. Like the coron they were like, yeah, he's pickled. They said Irish. They honestly, that is exactly what happened. Like the coroner was like, I got to go. What do you think? What was the Irish say? Whiskey? Yeah. I'm noticing on the body a lot of freckles. So feed them to the cows. Oh, this one's a ginger. This is from the drink.

This man died for potatoes and beer. Drunkenness and death. Michael O'Connor boarding with a family on Washington Street, Portland, while in a state of intoxication on Saturday evening, fell down a flight of stairs and received injuries, which caused his death in a few hours. It's funny if he doesn't die, but okay, whatever. With a few hours, a few hours is a long time.

By the way, that's 12 steps. Okay, he's 12 steps. Okay. He stopped drinking. He's just there, yeah, he did stop drinking. It's called 12 step. Last one. Oh, oh, oh! I mean, it is funny to imagine

a drunk Irish guy dying, falling down the stairs. Let's remind everyone, this is almost 200 years ago. We're allowed to have a giggle. I'm taking a fearless inventory. Half of my bones are broken. Here we go. Oh. Luke's just eating his back. It was his last request. Last story. Horse thief. A man calling himself Orrin Hutchinson. It's never a good sign when they say it's a man calling himself instead of just saying that's Orrin. His name, yeah. The saying that's Orrin Hutchinson.

The so-called Orrin Hutchinson went to Hill and Chaney's stable in this city last week on Friday and hired a horse and sleigh to go to Candia. Is this a board game? Candia, this is on the Simpsons episode is what it sounds like. Candia. He represented that he was employed in the sawmill north of the Stark Mills. Not returning as he agreed, inquiries were made and evidence obtained that he crossed over to Bedford

and afterwards was seen on the road to Nushia. It must've been so fun renting stuff back then. Yeah. Like, hey, I'll take it for a day. You know what? I'll be back. Half a day. I don't need it long.

Your rental store is like, well, we're out of business. Everyone took it. We had eight horses yesterday. Literally nothing. Those guys aren't coming back. He was traced to Haverhill, Massachusetts where he engaged the sleigh and received $20. So he just sold it. Yeah, why wouldn't you? It's great. Here he called his name John A. Smith. Well,

I mean. Pretty good. Thence he went to Newmarket and disposed of the team sleigh harness and robes and receded. Oh, he didn't sell it. He used it like an Uber for a day. Yeah. Yeah, he went in with a horse and he goes, I need a sleigh. Took his clothes off and he was like, I'm starting a new life. While that rental place is like, hopefully that horse comes back pretty soon because we really have a lot of invested in

the people returning that stuff. Meanwhile, that guy's turned it into a boat and a ship and he's sailing across the sea. Hopefully pretty soon he's on his way back. So he disposes of the team, sleigh harnesses and robes and receded therefore in the name of John Robertson. It was ascertained that he had gone to Maine, but he was pursued no further. So they just came up to like, wow, this is... What are you gonna do though? There's no way to... Yeah, you can't do anything.

This again, it's the era where you're like, boy, some people are real fucking dicks. Yeah, you can... Recently, his twin brother came in to apologize and rent a horse. Yeah, some guy comes in, he's like, I'll get him for you. You look like him.

Takes one of us who looks like him to get one of us. Give me a horse and I'll bring back the guy who fucked you over. Well, here you go. Now remember it. Come back now. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, I'll be back. Guy looks so similar, but he had a mustache.

So let me get this straight. Someone came in, took a horse, you hired a bounty hunter to get him. And then that guy never came back either. Well, give me a horse and I'll get both those guys. We're not. I mean, we have like two horses left, so please, please. Yeah, of course, I'll come back with three horses. Yeah, we don't know each other. We're not the harmonians. So let me get this straight.

You've had three horses gone missing, one by a thief and two by fake bounty hunters. I'll bring them back for you. We want to go with you this time. That won't work. Okay. I don't want you, but get me a boy. So let me get this straight. Eight horses have gone missing and seven of those people have been bounty hunters promising that they'll find the previous people. You give me a horse. I'll bring them back for you. Just take the goddamn thing. Just kill me. Just please take it. Somebody take me and eat me.

Well, that's personal daily chronicle. Well, Luke, what do you want to promote, Luke? Because we didn't have you on at the very beginning. You were you rushed in with 10 minutes to go. What can we promote for you? I'm going to be doing some stand up comedy on the road with opening for this guy. Gross. Yeah. It's very funny. The guy, his name is Gareth.

What's the website? The website is garethrentals.com slash tour. Yeah. And the tour. I think it's tour dates. Did you ever get the increase in pay that your manager negotiated? Over to you. That's funny. I did not Yeah, we negotiated

It's promised as much leg taco as I could eat. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep yet to have a one There are openers out there who the funny bone actually serves like to have a one. There are openers out there who. The funny bone actually serves like. By the way, that's the next leg of the tour. We got nothing. But come to the shows, they're worse than this. All right, well, thanks, Luke.

We learned a lot and thanks for joining us. Thank you guys, lovely to see you outside of the van. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah, it is weird. Nobody likes it. Nobody enjoys it. By the way, Burns, when he was on a tour with us for whatever, he, I went out to the van and there were ants and I was like, oh my, and I just saw the ants ravaging Cheetos so on the group text I go someone left fucking Cheetos in my head I'm like time for Luke to fess up and

Luke was like it was burns but it's okay like I did not know that's not how I go yeah interesting that sounds terrible I knew he's going oh it should have been me But in his head he's going, oh, it should have been me. That's why Luke eats snacks that are so crazy, because he's like, not even the ants will feast upon this chip. Remember you got so angry at me because I tried to share my handicaps hot fries with that crow? You know what's crazy? I don't even really remember this.

I remember it a little bit. But first of all, so angry is very funny. Second of all, the setup, I mean, Dave, go ahead. You were offended on behalf of the crow. I think I was saying, don't feed that to the crows. Yeah. So angry. In Luke's head, someone's like, how fucking dare you?

I was just like, don't give the crows that. You said, probably don't kill the crows with cheat with. Yes. Maybe not so angry, but we can't understand spicy fucking. Turns out they like it. I looked it up, Google says they're OK with it. Let's remember where this started. To remember where this started, Luke painting a picture of himself as Superman. So I asked AI and it said it was fine.

I asked the chat, GVT said that crows like to eat spicy potato fries. He wanted to do spicy food today. You know, Gareth yelled at me one time because I tried to kill crows, but then I Googled it and I was a hero. The Luke Simmons tale. All right, Luke, thanks for joining us, you lunatic. Hey, happy holidays. Happy holidays.

["Some of These Days"] Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are going to share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's going to be a whole thing.

You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb. And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb. It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy. And I think, you know, while I'm gone, having people stay there, good way to make a little extra money, put towards some gifts for people.

It just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle. So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.