The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 107 - The Past Times with Corey Ryan Forrester

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian Corey Ryan Forrester. Is he a criminal? Is he innocent? Join the journey as it unfolds in real time.  Redbubble Merch

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When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com stressed all up to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We're going on tour and this is- It's been a while. March, 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th, and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Maybe our favorite city ever. We have never loved a city. Truly the best city we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th, and then we go to Oklahoma City, which is- The best, our favorite, we often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one, the best city I've ever been to.

That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're gonna be in Tulsa Oklahoma our favorite city without question and then we head to Dallas Texas on March 20th our favorite city there's never been a better city than Dallas if you don't like it you're a Dal asshole thank you and then we go to Houston Texas on March 23rd the best city which is by far the best city and then we end our tour in Austin, Texas on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city.

In the entire world. Number one city in the world. You can get tickets at dolloppodcast.com slash tour. But we all agree that, we all agree that Burns is not good at his job. Yes. Yes. Cory. Yes. Corey.

Yes. Oh yeah, I do. Sorry. I think this is a guy that I hit in the parking lot of the gas station, uh, trying to call me, uh, I told him, hold on. Let me, Hey, this is Corey Forrester. Can't talk right now. Knuckle deep.

Leave message. I really, he was in a company car. I think I'm okay. I didn't hit him that hard We didn't know he was in a car until just now by the way Yeah, he do and by the way, I didn't even really hit it my door hit his door Door war but I was yeah door thing. Oh shit. Are we recording? Yeah door work. Go ahead three. Three, two, one. What about the people who call you Cory Ryan Dorister? Oh, those guys. Hey, this is the past time, and here comes a new segment called... Oh, are we recording?

Yep. Christmas present that I got you both today and will never mail you, but it's thethoughtthatcounts.com. That's a new segment I have to do the legally I have to do the intro before the bits just know what's coming daddy oh my god it's already started and it's the pastimes you know what it is it's a podcast our guest admitted it's uh we got better numbers than his listen uh you know what we do each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony I Gareth Reynolds have never seen it and neither has this week's guest fan fucking favorite Cory Ryan Forrester welcome back Cory. Hey everybody

Happy to have Dave's dad. Yep. He's wearing a fascist hat yeah Let's do it. I'm waiting. I want to be on the right side when the shit hits the fan. Well, yeah. Well, go eat some spaghetti, I guess. I think is the latest. How about this? Fuck you, Corey. Yeah. You don't talk to us like that. Corey, how are you now? Wait, what are you going to say? You were about to launch into something and you're gold on and off, so what was it? Well, so earlier today I was at a used bookstore,

which is where I often go to when I think I wanna kill myself. So I'm there about three or four times a day. And I was at the store and I thought, I'm gonna look for you guys a Christmas present. Now I don't know when this episode will come out, but you know, everybody knows you. We're live.

Okay, we're live? Well, it's around Christmas time, and I was thinking to you guys, and I looked in the used bookstore, I was like, I wanna find something for Gareth, and I wanna find something for Dave. And for Gareth, I picked this out for you, because I know you're always worried that this little, you know,

your little bits and sketches you do on the road aren't always gonna, you don't know, you're having a hot moment right now, but who knows if it's going to work out. So just in case I wanted you to have a backup, I got you clown skits for everyone. I thought that you could, you know, that's actually perfect. Yeah. You could go be a proper funny person like a classically trained clown. And you know, just in case that whole road thing where you get up there and you go hey where you from oh from there I'm curious where they're

from okay and so I got that for you clown skits for everyone thank you and knowing how Dave's the anti-no well knowing how huge of a fan of this guy Dave was I was looking for the autobiography, but couldn't find it. I was looking for a biography written on this person, couldn't find it, but I did find, I guess this is sort of an autobiography written by the one Henry Kissinger, years of upheaval. Yes, and I got this for Dave

because I know how much he loves the guy. But before you go, before I send it to you, I'm going to get it signed. Now, I'm a wager. Yes, I'm going to dig him up, burn half of him and dip into the ashes to make the signature. The his the bone of his dick and use it as a quill and sign my name, but in Henry Kissinger's ashes. So, and there you go. Look at that guy. I mean, what a mug. Yeah. What a, you know, years of upheaval is actually the story of how they used to

get him out of chairs before he died. Wow, Corey. Well, that's so thoughtful. That's the first time anyone's ever given us a gift that ever on the show. So that's really nice of you. They are. I think they really highlight the dynamic of this show pretty well, to be quite honest with you. Yeah, I thought so. It is truly the thought that counts.

It is. Well, thank you so much. And you did tell your wife that this show was three hours earlier on accident. And then you didn't retract that. And you sat up there and played video games for the time in between. You are correct. She just thinks you're in the middle of an epic run of podcasting up there.

Dude, she don't know what we do for a living. You know how I use what I do for a living on my wife the same way that CEOs of company use the phrase tax write-offs? I'll just say, I'll just be like, ah, the phrase tax write-offs. Like I'll just will say I'll just be like, ah, it's a write-off. Like whatever anyone wants to hang out. Like what would your wife say? As like, I'll just tell her, I got to do ads. Yeah. She don't fucking know. We got to go to Patreon. It's all right. And she don't know what that she's heard the word Patreon so many times. I don't have one. Yeah, I do have a hero hero. We love Cory.com.

You can go to it right now and subscribe. But there's so many, it's just we're so shrouded in mystery that you can always pretty much just say a thing. Not a lot of people frame podcasting properly like we're the Dark Knight. And I think that's really awesome to put it that way that we're shrouded in mystery. That has to be how y'all feel about like me and Trey having a podcast start like 15 years after y'all. Y'all have to be like, you've merely adopted the podcast. We were born in it. You know, it's funny because when we started they were... We have been doing

podcasts since today. It was just us and Doug Benson. We bought Doug Benson for this private space. When we started it, it was already a thing and I was like, eh, we're getting in late. Boy was I wrong. Yeah, you were so wrong. Holy fuck. You stayed too late, I'll tell you that. Yeah, overstayed. No, you were there right on time, buddy. Definitely overstayed.

But this is how I became known as the Joe Rogan of the left. No, the Joe Rogan of podcasting. Right. Right. Right. It's of all of them. Well, Corey, what else can we promote for you? And then we'll get into this. Well, again, I don't know what time this or what to when this episode comes out. So I just say, yeah, OK, we love Corey.com.

That's my that's my subscription thing, but please listen to my other podcast. I truly feel if you like the dollop and the pastimes, you will enjoy putting on airs the show where two idiot dumb-dumbs, me and Trey Crowder talk about, um, fancy culture, European history type stuff. Uh, it's, you know, we stole a lot from the dollop. We even stole their producer. And now I have him send us stuff that you all don't use. Yeah, no, it's very much our show, but he's not a, he's not a good producer.

So, you know, he's very bad. Yeah. He, he gives me the worst scraps. We don't even, I scrapped them. They're twice scrapped. Yeah. Potatoes. No, sometimes he's giving you things we've already done.

He's like, yeah, sure. Just don't listen to their show. He just loves forwarding emails, man. He's like, yeah, sure. Just don't listen to their show He just loves forwarding emails man. He's a big Guy he's a big forward guy. Um, where's it out? Well, Cory, we're gonna go through a newspaper, you know We're gonna guess by the way, it's you this appearance has been good so far But you are the guy who did the fart voice memos open So oh man, you know the last episode I was on yeah. No, I think you did one in between And I'm good, but that one was okay. That was a shocking Shocking opener for the fans. It was

Yeah, but as long as I've done another one since and I'm not like this isn't the this isn't my you're a homo But yeah, it was a way of coming out after Pulp Fiction. You know what I mean? Like I did a couple of things. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, you've done some good stuff since obviously. Okay.

Yeah. You do have your Hallmark movie. Um, what, uh, what year do you think this paper's from Corey? Go ahead. Oh, usually you go first and you're immediately told that you're wrong. I guessed it right. The last time we recorded and was still told that I was wrong. Because you went over, we play price is right rules, you dumb ass bitch. You get it right. It's you win the price. Right.

Can't hit it. You can't hit it on the head. Yes, you can. Before that'd be a crazy rule on the price is right. It's what they change. It host. They've changed a lot since Barker left. Listen, Drew Carey's all he don't even know what's going on. He's just picking up checks for the working man. He has no idea. Thank you. Drew Carey actually has to pay for all those cars they give away now.

They don't even actually do that explains the body language every time someone wins one. He's like, yeah, oh, shit. Drew Carey just brings that from a Twitch account. It's not even on CBS. I've seen him nudge the Plinko so that people go in the red. I was like, Drew Carey just screams that from a Twitch account. It's not even on CBS anymore. No, I've seen him nudge the Plinko so that people go in the red. I was like, Drew. Exactly.

Yeah, sorry. The Fates are against you. Ah, Cleveland Rock. You know when I started out in comedy, I did this college tour where we'd each go up and do, there were three of us, we'd do a set, 20 minutes each, and then we'd play a make me laugh game. Oh wow. Yeah.

But the money would come out of our pockets. What? So if we didn't make the people laugh, like every, cause they would spin a wheel and then they would spin a wheel. So whatever was on the board. What's the max? Wouldn't they?

Oh, it was like, the max was like 50 bucks or something. That's everything you were making. You went to college in the 70s. You do a bunch of people. Sometimes you'd walk out of less money. Of course. It's terrible. You know, when I first did a college show, we did make me come and, uh,

see you guys later. All right. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Uh, all right, Corey, go ahead. Year guess. Go ahead. Well, my guess, I was going to, I was about to say I was going to give you my

first college show experience But that would take 30 minutes. So I'll just go ahead and guess this paper every time I use this method which is that I Assume that that Dave is gonna pick a paper from the Civil War because I'm southern then I found out Dave Don't even pick the fucking papers It's what? You're OK. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Look at your phone. Have you gotten any texts from the guy who did the call? Cory hit a guy in a parking lot today. This is blank in the van at the Circle K and my boss wants to fill out a police report and said they would write it up as leaving the scene. But I haven't called the- what? Yeah, I'm going to ignore that until the podcast is over.

I guess I'll stop drinking. Jesus Christ. Fleeing the scene, I hit gonna ignore that till the podcast is over. I guess I'll stop drinking. Jesus Christ Clean the scene I hit him with my door To be to be clear to the audience you opened your car door to another guy's car door And he's saying fill out a police report that says you fled the seed Hold on. I'm in the middle a live taping right now. I'm not opposed to you calling him.

I know. Okay. I'm just thinking it's fun for Burns to produce if there's a 20 minute insurance argument. Do you want me to call him? Would you call him? Is that crazy? Can Dave call him? This is insane.

It's not normal. I got to talk to him at the place and I was like, are we good? You got my number? He was like, yeah, boss, man, we're fine. You can't then say I'm leaving the scene of an accident. Well, you did. You're not still there. I mean, OK, I did. Well, well, well, the story shifted. All right.

Anyways, I'm going to guess that the paper is from. Because I don't it's like this never works out But surely it's like your word of the day you pick the same one every time and eventually it hits I'm gonna say 18 and 63. I Mean, what do you know you flood the scene of an accident? That's right You did a hit you did a door open and run. An old Sherman's march. I did. I'll guess 1926. Corey, you were super close. 1876. Oh, very good.

Didn't go over. You did. I win. Yeah, I guess that right. OK, yeah. All right. Well, you didn't. There's no record of you guessing it correctly. There is. These. Yeah. All right. You didn't. There's no record of you guessing it correct. There is. These are recorded. Pfft. Whatever. It's the Tuskegee News.

Oh, Tuskegee, Alabama, March 2nd, 1876. See, he did cater this one towards you. Yes, he did. Jesus, this is not going to be good. I got a good feeling. Jesus. Your relatives might be in here. All right.

Every story is just going to start. So some blacks move to town. That's it. They would print that. They'd print what happened after. Oh, that's true. In the very top corner, it says the week passed. And it's just this one sentence.

The Prussian government compels bakers to keep their bread at least one day before selling. What? This is Alabama News. You said Prussian, Prussian bakers or depression? Prussian Prussian Prussian. OK. So they are news up top. German news up top. Why? This is well, I did not see that coming.

I mean, I mean, I'm okay. I knew that Tuskegee, Alabama at this time wasn't going to be diverse, but I guess any diversity they would have would be just different types of white people. Yeah. So that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably it's probably German. It's probably German immigrant paper. Oh, right. Hmm. I still don't understand that bread staling.

I don't either. I don't they want them to keep it for a day before they sell it. So maybe bread should be crunchy. I can't like there's nothing about bread. I'm like, hold on. Hold on to that. Hold on to that. It's a little too soft. I'm looking for something that hurts.

I mean, like, yeah, I was going to say, like, they're in the restaurant industry, which I've been in briefly before, you know, flailing out miserably. You would you save the day old bread or whatever, and you would make croutons out of it. But it was you. Your dream was that you didn't have leftover bread. You definitely you don't toss the day old, but you don't go. This is a feature.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't do this with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. You can't have a fresh sandwich today because you need to get an old sandwich tomorrow. Do you understand? So what we learned is that. Corey is the Gareth on their podcast because he just did a physical thing and nobody knows what it was.

We have patron. Yeah. But I'm also the you on that podcast in that I care a lot more than Trey does. So I kind of feel both roles. It's really hard being both men. Being half a man twice is very difficult. Cory's the, I mean, Trey's the, uh, Trey's the, I'm going into my car to make a video guy. Yeah. Yep.

He's, he's all about, he's one of the- This guy says I'm trying to find the non emergency number for the police at the moment. I guess why do we need a this is this is by the way, not a lot of people bring a B story to the show. Colin gladly come to your place. And then do a gun emoji. And pay your boss. Do do eggplant and then gun.

Ask for his boss's number. Eggplant and gun. Just do an eggplant and gun. Just say, I'll take you out of it and I'll talk to your boss. That's right. And then call him a piece of shit and tell him that you've got a bunch of guys here and we're ready to fucking come for him. Yeah.

I'll let you off the hook here and talk to him myself. Good. And then I would do an eggplant and then a gun emoji That's right. Yeah, that means different things now No do the eggplant in the in the the little cum droplet. Listen, I yeah. Yeah, okay I'm not gonna give squirty egg. I'm not gonna give anything about this very working class feller away, but He wouldn't understand the emojis. However, on the off chance he did, I'm not safe.

You know what I mean? So there's really no way to win. Huh. Well, updates are great. Keep them coming. Don't stop. This is unbelievable. I can't.

It's great for radio. It's great for radio. This is unbelievable. I can't. It's great for radio. It's great for radio. This is perfect. Then it comes out that we scripted this. Yeah, right. But I still have to go to jail. Flailing down. Corey has his always has his text on no notifications anyway.

I do. I do. You know what? I turned them off because I told this guy, I was like, tell your boss to holler at me because we're not involving the cops, right? You know? And I turned him off just for this guy. I did not expect to get a, we're calling the police.

I'm just trying to get my lawyer together so we can head over there. Yeah, what the fuck, bro? I mean, you did hit a door on the door. Well, I mean, the problem is you can just show the police the text exchange and be like, I've been talking to this guy like. Yeah, that's true. That's why you should send that eggplant gun emoji ASAP. That's your move.

You know what? Oh, wait, check made him send a picture of like just your hard dick and see. Let's get back to the show. I've still got one saved from like pre marriage. It's like the only time that has ever looked good. You know, you just find that, you know, when you marry the dick, from like pre marriage. It's like the only time my dick has ever looked good. You know, when you post marriage, the dick gets worse? There's department stores that the mirrors are supposed to make you look more slimming and so they put them in there.

I was at some hotel and they had good dick lighting. You know what I mean? And I knew it as soon as I walked in. Are you suggesting that your penis has, has, has become worse because of marriage? No, I'm suggesting that like, you know, sometimes someone will just look good in a certain light. Yeah, it's never looked good. I'm saying like this one. You've got to see my penis can't my penis can't make John Goodman in Cloverfield

Lane, you're like, God damn, look at that guy. Yeah, right. This handsome man. But other than that, a ractophobia shot. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Fair. You know, it's every. Other than that, a ractophobia. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Fair. You know, it's every now and then there's a good goodman. Yeah. All right. Fair. Fair. He's right. He's not wrong. I think your dick looks like Marty Feldman. Hello. All right.

Years ago, reverdy, reverdy, R-E-V-E-R-D-Y, Reverdy. Sure. Johnson lost the sight of one of his eyes while training Edward Stanley to fight Henry Wise. So many names. After a row about racing. This is like, what, after a what? So he was training this guy about something,

a fight of some kind or something, and then they got into an argument about racing. But not a robot argument. Not a robot. No, there's no robot involved in this. Where did you come up with robot? A lot. So I saw my doctor. I'm hearing a lot of phantom robots. I hear a lot of robots. Cory, what's going on?

I was just making up excuses. It's not even an excuse. I'm like, the guy says, well, that's just what my boss said to do. And I can't give you his number. My business number is 423-BABABA. It's on the van, but it's going to be an answering service until tomorrow. I'm like, well, please have your boss call me because I'm doing my job right now. I'm a broadcaster and I'm on the air.

That's why I was in a hurry at the gas station. All this is true. So do you think I should just wait till tomorrow and just be like, okay, I'll deal with it there? I'm not going to jail. Just send a message and say, I'm happy to show the police this text exchange so they know that I'm not running from anything. Just send it to them. You're taking legal advice from Dave who's been to jail for killing two police officers? So they know that I'm not running from anything, which I'm not. Okay, there we go. Good.

Let's do the show. Turning that over. We're dealing with this tomorrow. Let's do this. Let's do a check-in in 15 minutes. Do a check-in, but you have to tell me because I've turned the phone over. All my attention is on you. I like that as our last message.

And this is what today's, we're recording this is Monday. I've got to leave Thursday to go to Nashville to do shows. So as long as I'm not in jail. You're not going to jail. Well, I know, but I'm saying I can deal with this tomorrow. And if they go to prison, but you're not going to jail. Dude, honestly. Okay. I think about this sometimes.

Like I know prison sucks. I get it. Sure. I get it. You know what I mean? Sure. But like if you went to like white collar, you know, let's just say you went to white collar. I think it's like a two month stretch, you know, it shows you how shitty life is that you even think about it. You want the thing? Well, you know, a couple of months.

You could just you just grid. You want the podcast? I'm podcasting yeah I can still do that like to pop from prison. Yeah, you still gotta let me put out my hits to pod Yeah to pie. That's it. Anyways, so the bread I'm so sorry God. This is the this is so much worse than the fart episode I'm really I'm really losing way worse than the foot. But again You know how bar that was your quadrophenia.

All right, Dave. OK, so Stanley was practicing for the duel. Oh, it's a duel. So he was going to. So you know this is not who you want help from if you lose an eye during duel training. Right. So this Rever Reverend Johnson was training

Edward Stanley to have a duel with Henry Wise. OK, so he's training Stanley how to shoot a gun, I guess. Yep. So Stanley is practicing for the duel when his bullet striking a tree, glanced back and lodged in instructors. Oh, wow. That's what you get. Dumbass. Like how the fuck? How in the fuck do you shoot? Number one, you should be shooting not near trees.

So all over a sandwich. Your instructors bad if you're very close to a tree. Number one. Yeah. But also if you hit the tree and it bounces and takes out your instructors, I everybody's bad. Everybody. That's one of those things. If you're the instructor to you're probably trying to play it off for a minute, because then it makes you look like a bad instructor.

So it's like the bullet hits your eye and you're like, let's take 10 feet away from these trees real quick. And then you're like, that eye's gone. I don't know. I've held grudges before. Yeah, you're in the midst of one. I'm in the midst of the start of a pretty good goddamn run. But like, I feel like if me and someone were in dual challenging mode, if I, to me it's

like the duel has to take place henceforth. Because if I've got time to where it's like I gotta train for this duel and I gotta think about this duel, I'm eventually gonna be like, you know what, can we just not do the duel. I'm not even mad anymore. I don't care. care like I just feel like I would calm you like yeah So like Tyson versus Jake Paul or whatever. We're not doing a probe. Nobody's coming to our stupid little duel You know like I don't know what I trained for a duel. I'm not doing a duel. I do it Yeah, when I get out there I wink I wink at him first thing Yeah, but it's like do it. When I get out there, I wink. I wink at him. First thing.

Yeah, but it's like from quite a distance. What do you what are you doing from there? No, when you get there, you're close. And then you do paces. You do 10 paces. What do you think? Because I've always wondered this about like, if I was getting jumped by like three or four guys, but like in a dual. Is it sexual or is it a fight? Kind of sexual. So what do you think? Like if me and you were dueling, right?

You turn your 10 paces and you turn around and look and I'm just butt ass naked. Like, do you think you're hitting me? Do you think you're hitting me? No, you're like, oh jeez. Yeah, I think I'm totally or no, you don't have to be butt butt butt ass naked. You could just pull a little string in your pants, come down and then you're just. That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Winnie's a good one. Yeah.

Yeah. Winnie the Pooh it. Yeah. Be like, mm, hello, sir. Yeah. Name small missile mall, see. I've got myself in another predicament. You want to put your hand in my leg?

Or you know what? I just turn around on step one and blow the back of his fucking head off. That's the move. That's the move. That's the move. That's actually probably. Yeah, that's actually probably illegal. Oh, yeah. I would think. Well, then what is he gonna do?

That guy's totally within our rights. Because you know what then happens? Then his second, I think, shoots you. Yeah, but then that second the whole time is like, is this dude gonna take 10 steps? You're in his head. Nobody wants to duel a guy who turns on eight. Oh, no.

Yeah, you turn on eight and you go, I totally lost count. I don't know how to count. Yeah. Oh, you're the Mississippi's. Oh, oh, oh, I don't know what accident that was. It's beautiful. That was that was perturbed. Jar Jar Binks, his mom's. Oh, you said. Well, OK, so this so this now says the duel was then prevented

and nothing but Johnson's iron frame saved his life. So the guy lost an eye for nothing. Yeah, for a yeah, it never happened. But he's also a shitty instructor. Yeah, he shouldn't have an eye. You know what I mean? I don't know if that's true, but OK. Yep. I want to see the movie about him rebuilding his life as a dual instructor. Having one eye, you know, like like what is Francis Ford couple

have been wasting his goddamn life with making this megalopolis thing? Like he's just done this. This would be great. Yeah. And Russell Crowe has to play him. Yeah. Honey, it's time. It's time to think of another profession. This it's just time you need to know. God, it's time. It's time to think of another profession. This it's just time you need to know. God damn it. Some of these boys don't know how to deal. What about a pirate?

Ha ha ha ha ha. Turn around. You could be a monocle model. Monocle model? The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh Dave. Our friends forever. We've been using Squarespace forever. We love their websites. They're crisp, they're clean, they're easy to use.

You don't have to update stuff. Look, we've said this over and over again, but if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with and it is Squarespace. Yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the- Flexible employees too. Those people are- It's weird.

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You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak?

Because I think that's a good point. No. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm going to say it again. Go to squarespace.com for free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Don Pedro the second, the emperor of Brazil. Did you know? Was there, I didn't know there was an emperor of Brazil.

Oh, yeah. Not. It makes sense. Oh, yeah. I don't know. He's just he's the guy who came up. Part of all. Well, Dave, let me ask you this. You're the person on the show. I'm not going to say the smartest, but the one that cares the most about books. Oh, my God. Butterflies. I'll be right back. So like back in the back in the day and still now, it's like some people have

emperors, some people have kings, some people have czars. That's all the same goddamn thing, right? Like Emperor of Brazil just means King of Brazil, right? And I would totally think that Brazil would have a king. It's just that to me, Emperor was always like, that's Asian, you know? Yeah, Emperor doesn't feel. Yeah, you're right. Emperor always feels weird to me.

A king makes sense, but you've got to be talking about the, the ruler of, uh, of Brazil. I w I mean, Portugal, I would think. A king sounds like it could go benevolent or not. Whereas emperor sounds like I'm here to buck shit up. But if it's such a bad system, why have the penguins adopted it for so long? I mean, the penguins have never afraid from the emperor. That's true. They haven't. They're monogamous. Monogamous. They co-parent really well. They really do. And if they're sterile, they just like foster a rock or something.

Yeah. I'm actually doing that right now, to be honest with you. Fostering a rock or something I've heard. Yeah, I'm actually doing that right now to be honest with you. Fostering a rock? I fostered a rock for about two and a half years. Yeah. My son Clark, he's hatching soon. Don't you worry. It's so funny that- I take him out. The reason that we're in this predicament we are in our country is because a lot of

people who voted had a pet rock when they were a child. Meaning what? I just mean that that was to them a good thing and a fun time. Oh, that sort of made them be like procreations the way. I just think they've been sniffing lead paint their whole life. And so you can just sell a rock to that kid.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And then they grow up and they vote against their own self-interest. Rock boy, I call them. Yeah, rock boy is a good one. I know we did that in my school and then I tried to suffocate my rock. My mother came in and I was like, die, you're cramping my life.

Then I realized that like I had a Tamagotchi, which was just a digital rock, which is dumber, but a lot still. I was like, parenting's really hard. Yeah. Give the boy a rock. Give the boy a rock. OK, while you guys are doing rock chatter, I learned some history of Brazil. OK. And Brazil was, of course, a Portuguese colony until 1911, 1822, when they declared independence.

And then it became the empire of Brazil. And so it was Brazil and Uruguay was the was the empire ruled by Pedro the first and now we're on Pedro the first. Pedro, is racist to laugh at that, but that's really funny to me. Pedro the first any of the first is weird? But that's really funny to me. Pedro the first. Any of the first is weird. Yeah, the first is definitely weird. Just Pedro. Pedro.

Pedro. And then Pedro Jr. Yeah. You never hear that, though. A junior, you know, Frederick Jr., the king of blah, blah, blah. They have to be the second because that junior makes you sound like a Emperor little Pedro. makes you sound like a emperor, little Pedro. But also, that go ahead. I know we got a paper to get through. I know I get so curious about this stuff that, you know,

go ahead with your podcast. Go ahead. Don Pedro, the second, the emperor of Brazil and the Empress Teresa Christina will. Teresa. Yeah, Teresa, Christina. She's white. Christina's fine. But I'm having a problem with Teresa because the first Teresa I ever knew

was my aunt who would suck dicks through that hole in her throat right before Christmas to make enough money to get us all stock cars that she still stole anyways. Like the little ones, the match book ones. So, Teresa to me seems like a very present name. This might be the Tiffany problem, but with Teresa. Go ahead. Well, you did the part. Tell me a boy. Yeah. Santa's got a big basket this year. Well, we just got a little taste of the south. But I'm just looking at our numbers, Dave.

They are dropping. I'm just looking at the live numbers here. Oh, OK. Teresa Christina will leave for the United States on April the 1st with a numerous retinue and one million dollars pocket money. Oh, wow. The Philadelphians expect to relieve His Majesty of about $500,000 during his stay in their city.

An emperor does not come along every day. They're just going to straight up rob day. Yeah, straight up Robin. Take everything they can. Yeah. Yeah. So I invited something called the D Battery. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. My sir, please take them off your nipples. Oh, I mean, I'm covered in tapestries that are being ripped off of me.

Not my tassels. This one is beating me with my tassels. Oh hoisted found my spare petard. Oh, a double hoisting. I challenge you to a duel. The royal showed is red. My bottom is the color of a half-cut grapefruit! Oh! I've been beaten badly with my own fashion! My purse!

Oh no, half of it's gone! Where's my boy? Where's my rock? My boy's gone! They took my boy! I've abandoned my rock! I've abandoned my rock! I've abandoned my boy? Where's my rock? My boy's gone. They took my boy. I've abandoned my rock. I've abandoned my rock. I've abandoned my boy.

Oh, fuck me. Sometimes you just got to feel sorry. Sometimes you just got to let the kid hit the hoop with a stick. There you go. Yeah. Oh, no. A breed of tailless dogs has been discovered in Africa. That's called a pig. Yep. Tail and a snout has been discovered.

Are they talking about hyenas? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Discovered. It was discovered. Yeah. People there actually. People are like, yeah. My God, you've got a no tell dog. You don't know you've been sitting on a gold mine this whole time. Do you? Here, boy.

Here, boy. Oh, oh, I'm also being attacked. Oh, the Royal Chode is the color of a half-eaten grass fruit. They're fighting over the beetroot colored chode, two of the tailless dogs. This is a sarcastic comment on the declaration that nature is perfect. Think of a tailless dog in a harmonious universe. Talk about the wonderful mechanism of the animal kingdom. Why the common honeybee is so clumsily built that he or rather she cannot sting an enemy

without fastening her barbed spear and pulling out her own abdomen. She cannot defend herself against assault without committing suicide The barbs ought to have been committed from her java javelin, but this generation is pessimistic Good night This is 1872, Alabama. I Think that's comedy for this. I think that's comedy for. Yeah, I think that's comedy for some extent, but it's also just like get ready bees.

Yeah. Who looks at bees and is like, they're doing it wrong. It's just funny to me that it's like the Civil War ended immediately. Their editor was like, we got to fill these fucking pages. But I. Anybody got any B stuff? No, no, no. I meant like not a no. You have some actual B stuff. Yeah. Well, it's B and it's about bees.

So how dumb is it that they commit suicide every time they sting? I swear to God, I wish I could. That's the the the veteran newspaper guy from Alabama. I'll tell you what, it's like I'm killing myself every time I roll over and see that woman next to me. These crouts are giving people fresh bread. This paper is going to be really good. They got some good ideas about what to do in 40 years. Just let them hang out.

They got some good ideas about what to do in 40 years. Just let them hang out. Yeah. It is the opinion of a well-informed New England paper that the Massachusetts legislature would excursion 200 miles to see a hog pen if anyone purchased free passes and gin. What? Look, I'm just floating it out there.

I'll travel anywhere to hang out with pigs and get drunk. That's what they're saying. Was the word circus used at all in that sentence? And I missed it. Nope. Nope. You said a lot of circus shit. There is a lot of they're just saying that the New England legislature will go wherever booze is, no matter what. And a pig pen and pigs and pigs.

But you know, pig pig. Well, they said pig pen. And pigs. And pigs, but. And a pig pen. Well, they said pig pen. They didn't say anything about the pigs, did they? I would assume pigs were part of it. I just need a fenced in area. I can't escape. Yeah, right.

I mean, you would. Right. But they didn't, you know, having a pig pen is different than having pigs. Have you heard of a werewolf? I'm like that, but with gin. I'm a gin wolf. I turn into a pig. You don't want me around. I wake up my clothes are in tatters. I don't remember what I've done and you need to fence me in.

I'm like a tailless dog from the wild Sahara. No! Help me! Is it a tree? Why didn't you just tell me you had discovered it already? All the fabrics caught on the branch. My wife's dead. Does it matter what story you're reading when it comes to Gareth's tangents? Do you think he's just got a couple of plug and plays where it's like every now and then

he just has a vibe right? That goes off and he's like, all right, go into Dave for the old man. Dave Dave. That's funny. I think it's a siren. Okay. Dave said something like I don't have an episode recently where he's like, no, hold on, go something like that.

I was like, that's a good old title. He was like, he was like, just starting again. I was like, here's a joke from 20 seconds ago that still feels right. He was like, yeah, just watching him like stop reading. Like, OK, finish, finish it up. Right out, boy. Right out. I am. Cry it out, boy. Cry it out. I am the Gareth of POA. It's true.

So this is a little section called grave and gay. Wow. Grave and gay. So gay means happy. So then yes. And grave means depressed. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So they're, they're, this is like a bittersweet, bittersweet section. I guess that I don't know what to expect from this. It's like, here's a fun tale and then, but boy, you're not going to believe this afterwards. Why not just all gay? Right. Why not just have, you know, well, they can't fit, you can't fill an 1870 Alabama paper with all gay. Let me tell you something right now. No, not working. Happy or gay. Or paper. Way more grave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an unpleasant fact that what your friends call self self-possession, your enemies call brass. You know what? Fuck my enemies. I don't know. That one's. I don't get it. Your enemies called brass? Is brass another word for like being

like a hoarding bastard or something? A brass must be negative. A brassard. Yeah. Thank you. Good one. It's been 90 seconds since I spoke. Well you were never gonna get another chance to say brassard in your life. I get that feeling. Where you're like

look is it A plus? like, look, is it? No, but there's I thought it and there'll never be another time for me to say it. I'm not willing to sign off on the not eight plus part of that either, but OK. Miss Kirby of Caldwell County recently lost eight children by diphtheria in such quick succession that four were buried together holy shit is this under the gay I don't think the game I'm over the moon I have a new lease on life they were all the pitch of the foreign one is dark that's very dark but I mean you're gonna want to deal like this is pre TVA. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, this is during the week. I push it for six.

She's a zip. And if I'm not mistaken, Johnson is president right now, right? Like reconstruction is not going well in the South. You say Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin Johnson, Ben Franklin, Johnson, oh, Andrew Johnson. And I'm not sure of that. Actually, no, he wouldn't have been president because this is eight years after the Lincoln assassination. Benjamin Johnson, Ben Franklin? Andrew Johnson. Oh. Andrew Johnson. And I'm not sure of that. Actually, no, he wouldn't have been president because this is eight years after the Lincoln

assassination. Yeah, I was going to say it's probably. This has been Andrew Johnson's predecessor, which either way, Reconstruction is not going well in the South. And for the record, they fucking deserved it. My point being is that when you see a good four for one on a casket, baby, you know what I mean? Literally. Yeah. You're saving money. You know what I mean? Literally.

Yeah. You're saving, you're saving money. I mean, you're saving money. We'll go, you know what we're going to do? We're going to go head to toe, head to toe. That's great. Look at them. They sort of lock in like Ikea.

Some of them didn't have legs. What would we do about them? That's the dip. Sugar took Junior's leg. What we do by them? Well, that's the dip. Sugar took Junior's leg. Can we get a discount? Sugar done run off with his leg. 25% off indeed. Not the boy.

You can still lick his nub. We'll be right back. Hey, Stin. Sweet. You still lick his nub. And we'll be right back. Hey, sweet. I should have left a long time ago. A jawbone 60 feet long is to be exhibited at the Sentinel by Massachusetts. Put it in the women's department, by all means. What did you know that some dogs had a 60 foot jawbone?

Some dogs had a 60 foot jawbone. I think I think they're saying women talk a lot. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got a bit they jaw off. Yeah. OK. All right. Hey, I think. Oh, yeah. All right. And Corey's applauding because he got it, not because he agrees with it. Well, OK. All right. I'll take that. Yep. I just realized that there's a sombrero in frame Yeah, of my that's not a good look. That's okay. It's fine. I don't know who gets oh a dead lady

I got that from her now see now. It's a tell see it was fine. And now it took a turn She wanted me to have it. It's not even by it's like she wanted you to have this and this is fucking Huge sombrero and I'm like, okay say no, so got this dead lady's fucking sombrero. You know, it's weird. Yeah I'm not I'm not racist. I'm very weird. Well, no, I always find the people who aren't racist say I'm not racist I've always yeah, I'm just saying I don't have a big sombrero for the reason you'd think I'm just saying I don't have a big sombrero for the reason you'd think. And I don't know what reason you'd think, but it's not that. Corey, I'm going to tell you something you're going to want to hear from a lawyer when dealing with this car door situation. What's that?

Less is more. That's true. I'm so going to, I'm going to jail. I'm going to admit the shit I've never done in my life. I killed it. Yeah. And I did go there for beer. He saw me coming out with the...

All right, all right. Let's do an update after this because we got it. Okay It is said that a woman of Xenia, Ohio offered her husband a divorce the other day for a Sealskin cloak. This is a danger that was up That was no sign. However, that she was particularly anxious for the cloak. Hey, did you hear about this woman from zany? She was particularly anxious for the cloak. You hear about this woman from zany. Her husband offered her a cloak.

A cloak. I tell you. That's the end of. All right, Corey, have a look. Okay. I'm on it. Genuinely terrified. I'm glad that's this is good. So the last thing I said was what Dave texted me told me to say I said I'm happy to show

the police this text exchange so they know I'm not running from anything which I'm not and his text which came at 7.35 so like pretty much right after and I just put down just said I'll show them so he's just gonna show the cop by the way I'm staying at my fucking house I'm not leaving can way, I'm staying at my fucking house. I'm not leaving. Can I? I'm not leaving. That's the southern attitude.

Can I pitch, can I pitch the response? No, I'm not saying another fucking word. Let me just pitch the response before you walk away. Okay. Send him the fart memo. Dude, I'm not going to because of that. Oh wait. Hold on. Fart memo. I'm not going to because that. Oh, wait, hold on.

But if I do, it'll have to come up in trial. Like it'll be taken as evidence. Yes. But here's my I don't I'm not saying anything else because he's already like, I'll show them. And it's I'm like, this is me being like, OK, you heard what I said, which is that I'm not leaving my home, right? You show them they want to come here. Let's fucking let's go. But I'm not I've had a couple of drinks since then.

As you knew I was doing, I'm not willingly driving to meet the police somewhere. Also, dude, fuck them. You know what I mean? Like, just fuck them. Yeah, this episode is going to come out in four weeks and I'm going to be. This episode is going to be played at trial. Yeah, at trial, for sure. But I've said many times in here, I was not drunk when this happened.

I was there to get boozed to do this show because I've been sick all week. You were there to get drunk. Yes. Alright. I'm not checking again. There's nothing I say anything again because I, you know, I didn't respond. I'm going to prison Now I'll never hear from these people again. They're gonna get bored with this. I can't wait me either I'm not calling tomorrow. I can tell you that fucking right now, buddy Inch right now, I'll tell you what I'm not doing. I was calling tomorrow. All right. Yeah, I'm not I'm not shit to do I got a fucking pocket dude. I've got a podcast. I got bonus episode and shit. Yeah, you're gonna do this through insurance, right?

No, I want my premium. Oh, you're not okay. No, I'm gonna ignore them till they go away You've got to get door insurance from my guy. That's true, dude. It was nothing There was a little black mark on it But it was literally just like the scrape of my car is black just a little tiny of the paint whenever like you can scrub This shit I could do it right now. I've done it a lot Call it. You know how many times I've hit my fucking wife's car every day call it every fucking day Yeah, well, that's that's not a good thing to say to be honest with you court What's the next store which give us something gay. No more grave.

I like the grave. Okay. What's this? A North Carolina editor raves. Look where you will. What a labyrinth of world of tangles and misfits. Everything jumbled, lopsided, ill assorted and muddle-tea flexum. Here a president with a peanut-peddler's soul. There, a scavenger beneath whose ragged waistcoat throbs a hero's heart. Here, a senator or governor's wife whose rich brocades and laces envelop a galvanized oyster wrench.

Or worse, there, a smutty fizzed chairwoman whose dingy tatters enclose the spirit of a modern sage. Amazing. Here, courage, gratitude, and affection wrapped in the hide of a dog. They're baseless and brutality, swaddled in blood cloth and fine linen.

Two-legged donkeys braying in all our legislative halls and diting at our demonicos and their infinite superiors in every worthy quality and qualification munching coarse straw. In a thousand counties, stables, quadruple men, and bipedal swine, every fellow married to the wrong wife. The mull mated with the eagle, the hedgehog with the swan. Pasha Pasha. It's all blind luck. The whimsies of fate shaken dice. What is this? I don't know.

The first off, I'm going to need to know how to spell Pasha Pasha. I'll try to I'll try to interpret what is just. Yeah, first, I literally said it said North Carolina editor raves. I thought it was like, OK, this is going to be a like positive critic. Yeah. Well, a crick. Yeah. Right. You've got to go see a chorus. And then I was like, I was like, is this like the play? It sounded like you were talking about someone describing

a theatrical performance of Pinocchio. Man, I thought this before you got to the donkeys, but then you got to the donkeys and I was like, wait, he said something about politicians, so they're definitely talking about Democrats, which back then Democrats was a very different thing. They controlled the South, right? But then you said Pasha Pasha, and then I was like back to... here was my thought, is that like people back in this time used to eat mud for dinner. Sure.

And they still sound and even the dumbest of them sound so much more intelligent than our smartest now. Like the language, English language used to be such a beautiful tool to wield. And now we're just like, I take, hey, that president, you know? Yeah. Two things. One, you're definitely correct. I watched this Chris Hedges rant, not rant, but where he's talking

about reading, actually reading. And he was like, you have to incorporate actual reading into your life. He's like, we cannot be reading. The other thing is people are eating mud. incorporate actual reading into your life. He's like, we cannot be reading. Yeah. The other thing is people are eating mud. Oh, yeah. For dinner and not for like lunch.

Your dinner was. Oh, sorry. Lunch was bugs. Lunch was bugs. Breakfast was fear. That's what they ate. That's what they all had. Lunch was bugs.

Any bug. Any bug. Lunch was bugs. Any bug. Lunch was bugs. Breakfast was fear. Lunch was bugs. Any bug. Any bug. Lunch was bugs. Bug buffet.

Any bug. Lunch was bugs. Breakfast was fair. And then you snacked on, you know, a bygone time. This was the South in 1873. Well, he snacked on a dead child, probably. Yeah. You hear about that boy's leg that chopped off right before they threw him in that grave?

Falling off the bone. Yeah, are you here about that boy's leg chopped off right before they threw him in that grave? These are my people Oh Henry died in the left of her just got some sugar on it gotta go get it get it Henry's mama's gonna be sad down to get down to get down down We're looking for Corey Ryan Forrester over a door murder. He drove through the parking lot with his door open and he hit 33 people. His wagon wheel smashed my wagon wheel. Corey, by the way, I also watched he had growing up. I grew up on he had. smashed my wagon wheel. Cory, by the way, I also watched he had growing up. I grew up on he had to.

Yeah. I'm the west coast. The other day, didn't we? I don't think it was a, I don't think it was like a southern thing. I think that he was nationwide. Like there were two channels when you were born. And so it was just on one of our dude. I loved he hall, but like, here's the thing.

A lot of like, yes, okay, it was definitely targeted towards my people. But the people on there like Grandpa Jones, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, Minnie Pearl for God's sakes, junior samples, these were genuine, in my opinion, comedic geniuses. Like I think they were hilarious, their timing was great. Like sure, some of the jokes are corny,

but like they were literally standing in a cornfield delivering them. They were self-effacing, like they knew. You know what I mean? And that show like was so formative for my comedy. And I still watch it. Me and my granny used to watch it all the time. And now I talk about way worse things. I didn't get my cleanly, you know, he always very clean family show

I strayed away from that you did your phenomenal show I'm a dirty boy No, no, no, I don't do a lot of butthole stuff a lot of butthole stuff has happened to me and I reported right You know what I'm saying? Like I just tell people what have you doing but alright, you know, I didn't even consider that that's what you meant I didn't talk about a lot of butthole stuff. Yeah I'm a butthole comic. It's a nice genre For sure the butthole comic

Come here, Cory Forster, the butthole comic. It's like, it's like the outlaws, but you like Cory with some other buttholes of comedy. Well, we don't do comedy the way that other law abiding comedians do. Yeah. Some of you may have heard jokes from some non-butthole people. That ain't what we do around here. This next one's called Brown Out. I'm going to start doing that before my jokes and show them.

Yeah, this next one here called Electronic Chico. So. OK, here's one that you'll this is what you said it would happen at the beginning. This one is titled Old Mass's Grave. Oh, no. Hang on to your butthole. Cory's bit ticked. Yeah, he did.

Oh, this is the title of a new and beautiful work of art. Oh, no. It is a 14 by I don't know what that is. It's, you can't really see it's blurred, something nine inches, so it's big, in size and artistic in design, finely engraved and printed on heavy plate paper. In the foreground is,

oh, in the foreground is seen a young Confederate soldier who has just returned home from the war, looking sad and thoughtfully at his father grave, which is shown to him by an aged black servant. What the fuck? Sorry, D.D. That is a crazy, it commemorates the moment when a black man is sad because he's probably gonna go free pretty soon. And he's showing the white when a black man is sad because he's probably going to go free pretty soon

and he's showing the white man how tough it is because he lost his fight. It's a moment that is so relatable. It's happening all the time. Yeah, we didn't beat them Yankees. You're going to have to let Stumpy Steve go. To the right, the Calm River indicates peace and rest as the harbinger of brighter days to come. What is the picture that will touch every MSNBC?

Yeah, yeah, it really should find a place in every southern home. One copy will be sent by mounted on a roller and paid and postpaid on receipt. Twenty five. It costs three fifths of a cent. Yeah. Wow. I mean, that's something. Racism is what that was. Some artists like it's really important. Yeah, I got it right.

I mean, I mean, you look a little more sad that this is all over for you, sir? No. Okay. Chisel, chisel, chisel. Remember, remember, no slaves. You're going to have to do it all. No, my poor hands. God, that would suck though.

Like on the real, my poor hands. Yeah. Real bad day. You just like, you wake up, you My poor hands! You had a real bad day. You just like, you wake up, you're like 12. You didn't go to war, you didn't do anything, and now all of a sudden you got chores. You know what I mean? You're like, oh fuck me. Fuck me. That would suck.

I've never heard that distillation. Ah, my god. You know? Oh, my God. You know, oh, that is. Holy shit. Well, it's wow to make a the the it is so funny. It is funny. But the way that white people like works hard every time it falls on them.

Yeah, it actually it was we talked about this before Dave where they Alabama like passed the law because they were just like there's These migrant workers and all this shit and then all the white people had to do it. They're like I Quit like yeah so fast Yeah, yeah, they can't make up their mind on whether or not quit like so fast. What if we don't eat? Yeah. They can't make up their mind on whether or not, and this is not, this is well-worn territory, but like whether or not migrants are taking your jobs or whether they're lazy deadbeats.

And it's like, dude, pick a lane. Like the intersection of, okay. You like comfort and now you have to do the work for it. Right. Cause like, dude, when I was a kid and, and nothing was political, and I know that that stems from the internet not being a huge deal when I was a kid, but I remember a South that was literally firmly apolitical. That was just like, fuck them both, far as I'm concerned.

And they were really like that. Like I knew a bunch of Clinton voters who are now, you know, Trump voters or whatever, but like they all, every single one of them voters before, I'm just saying before like, yeah, they are before a lot, before the trumps or whatever came and told them, by the way, be mad about Mexicans. No, no one had anything but positive. They were just like, God damn him hard working. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, man, that's some bitch will have a fence put up. You know, Man, that son of a bitch will have a fence put up on that Randy. I can't believe I'm here at my 30. Hey, y'all hear about Randy? You know, Randy. Well, you know, we had a big we had a big anti-Mexican wave in California. And I get it. That's where they all are. It came through and they're just like, they're all taking a job. But and it was just this beheaded thing and they passed laws. And that just went away. Yeah. Yeah.

And then it went back to normal. Yeah. Yeah. You would think like, I know it's it's a big deal in Texas, obviously. And it's like, again, because that's where they are. You know, it makes sense, I suppose. But like, again, I'm telling you, like before whatever it was that the GOP decided, like, we got to we got to make it their fault for everything. Everyone like, there were still racist jokes, but they were all like, kind of positively racist. They were still racist jokes, but they were all like kind of positively racist.

They were all racist about how this group. Weird. What I mean is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, generalizing. They were generalizing. But the generalization was about how hard working and family oriented these people were. Not that they were lazy and taking CS is all the time. Do you think you've gotten out of the hole? I don't give a fuck.

But the good news is he's a white guy. He digs it half as fast. That's right. Let me tell you. And then goes home to his family. Let me dig out some bits for me. Let me tell you, when I knew the border was a big issue, when I was in Alaska about a month ago and the senator running from Alaska, the Republican was talking about border security.

My Lord. Jesus Christ. My Lord. That's when I went. What the fuck? Okay. If you're the governor of Alaska, if you could just get 10 less people to commit suicide, you've done a remarkable job.

And you're going to talk about the border. the border, 10, 10, 10 human beings. That's it. By the way, you built a, you got a border. You got a real, the Lord blessed you with a border. Let me tell you where Mexicans do not want to go. Alaska. Yeah. All you should be running on in Alaska is like, I'm going to get more women up here. I'll tell you, you'd ever do a gig where you're like, you ever show up? I talk to the Teletubby son.

Do you ever do a gig where you're like, oh, like it's almost like if you went on a date and they just kept thanking you for going on a date, you'd be like, like, I'm here on my own merits. Like, the people at the show are like, God, thank you so much. I was like, I don't think I should have come. You are too thankful for me to be here. I feel that same way. I'm like, you know, it's my job, right?

Yeah, I was like, that's the whole, I'm happy to be here. They're like, it means a lot. Yeah, when you go to, yeah, like when you're in a place like that where people are like, we can't fucking believe you came. It's shocking. You must be in a bad spot professionally. Right, you're in a place like that where people are like, we can't fucking believe you came. It's shocking. You must be in a bad spot professionally. Right.

You're on the way. You're either on the way down or on the way up. You're above the bottom of the on the way. Yeah. Yeah. And they always ask you, they go, where are you staying by the way? That's the best. Yeah.

Where are you? The place I experienced that the most was, I did a comedians and comedy tour with like Patton and those guys Orlando Losing their fucking mind that there nobody could ever come to promise me You must me'll come back promise me you'll come back That's like that was like I went back is another one really settled. Yeah, please come back with do you have an ETM when you'll be back?

Yeah, we we had that experience in Orlando, too and you know, we have a large gay fan base because we're heroes and uh, there's a lot of gay people in orlando because There's a theater district there, which is why you have all the doubles for minnie and mickey and shit And they would tell us the same thing. They're like fucking we can't believe you came to orlando and we're like, well, yeah Nobody told us it was we won't come back. Yeah believe you came to Orlando and we're like, well, nobody told us it was. We won't come back. Yeah. I'm not going back. Thanks. We had no idea.

Like, we figured if they could have a Disney world, we could maybe be in Eugene, Oregon, and they were all like, this means a lot. Oh, Eugene's crazy. But look, I will say, being in Orlando, that was the first time I was ever like, oh, this is what a meth problem is. Like, yeah, it was like meth times 10. You're like, yeah, what? Yeah. But dude, Eugene, Oregon, we were doing a show there one time.

And like, I don't know if I had just gotten off or whatever, but there was a bunch of like, I'm just going to say wild looking people running around, right? Varying degrees of odor. Right. And I was like, that's Eugene, whatever. But then I started noticing, no, that's Devon. I was like, oh, how degrees of odor, right? And I was like, well, that's Eugene, whatever. Uh, but then I started noticing, I was like, no, that's Devin. I was like, oh, how sweet of them. They let like the homeless people volunteer here and they made me give them a meal or

something like that. And I was like going up to a person and telling them like how cool that was. And they're like, so just, just be cool. Um, but actually the mental hospital had a breakout tonight and that's what's going on a bunch of mental patients had broken out and dude they saw a door and they came in and I wonder I wonder I'm not kidding I wonder if we did the same venue cuz I pulled up and I was like the mental hospital is right next door yes you did I pulled up and I was like, uh, and then I went in.

I was like, is everything cool around here? They're like, no. Not at all. But thank you for being here. I was like, OK, no ducks. Yeah. All right. They're going to win it all. OK. They are. This will it all. OK. They are. Mm hmm. This will be the last one. OK. Miss Cross of Paw Paw, Michigan. How about you, Paw Paw?

Thinking her husband was unduly attentive to his brother's wife was thereby made jealous. Hmm. One evening, one evening he left the house and she guessed he had gone to meet his sister in law. Oh, so she's thinking he's cheating with my sister. Yeah. Sister-in-law, which that happened a lot back then. Oh, yeah. They ate mud and fucked anyone. Your sister-in-law was like only not your wife until your wife died. Yeah. You know, cuz like your wife died. Gee, your sister-in-law just moves over one night.

So like, you're going to want to try that out. I'm glad I bought a spare. But it was true. We've all seen the Patriot. It's so miss cross followed Steph Lee and discovered not a liaison. She dogged him to a place where he was joined by two brothers. Oh, the Miss Cross, Chris Cross. Yeah.

Woo, they having fun. This ain't grave. Now it's a. And then kept them in sight while they took a drunken stranger toward a lake. Dark. It was a murder. Oh, boy. Just when you're waiting on a butt. Yeah.

I mean, that's a twist. Oh, it's worse. And then she went home and this stranger was robbed and drowned and her testimony is used in the trial of the three brothers. Holy shit. So she thought her husband was cheating, but turns out he was a murderer. Yeah, he's a murderer. Yeah. Well, why don't you tell him? So he's taking care of his family.

I was about to say, people's lives weren't worth anything in 1873. Thank you. That guy was going to, what, live two more years, have his foot chopped off and then have somebody, you know, parlay for how much his grave costs. So light on limbs as Cory's suggesting. It was just no limbs. Hello. Hello.

Alabama, the footless. This is Michigan. Go fighting phantoms. That's why, you know, country music, they had that, that stomp. Yeah. You know why there's not two? One stomp, one foot. You know what I'm saying? A footless bunch we are.

Yeah, poor stomp guy. They think I'm going to lose stomp. Dude, but but the balls on that woman to snitch on her man in 1873. Like, I really respect it. She like still couldn't get a divorce probably. Yeah, absolutely not. Well, so let me get this straight. He wasn't cheating and you won't out?

Ma'am, you're going to prison too. You know that, right? Ma'am, you're under arrest for not understanding how cool your husband is. Served. You know, time served. Yeah, that's the best arrest of her. Go ahead, Dave. So before we go, is there a close on our texting? Yeah, I was curious about that. I hope not. Oh, hey, Corey, Chickamaga just left.

I say means police. And I showed them your text and told him it wasn't a hit and run or nothing. You gave me your info and he took pics of the text and got your info, then said everything should be fine. Well, that is not the climactic story ending y'all were hoping for but it does go to show you that in this country as a white man if you ignore something long enough and get drunk on it, it will go away. Thank you Jesus.

Praise God. I've been saying it. I've been saying it. Woo. Amen Father God! Well, listen, you can hear Cory on the Hee Haw podcast and, uh, Cory, thank you again for joining us. I'm so sorry. You brought a plot.

You've brought great energy. You've been in an attic drinking alone for three hours. What's great about the hit and run thing, which he's clearly a criminal, but he's admitted to it on air. We had a beginning, middle and an end like it. We did. It fit into the hour. No, it was perfect. It was perfect. Yeah. Pedro one, two and three. There's no better time to send a fart memo. Hey.

And don't you talk about this on your fucking podcast. This is our we own this story. And if you're listening, Burns, don't you dare give them any scraps. I'm happy to not talk about this on your fucking podcast. This is our, we own this story. And if you're listening, Burns, don't you dare give them any scraps. I'm happy to not talk about this ever again. And here's why, because y'all were really cool and on my side about it. Trey would have been trying to get me arrested this whole time. He would have been like, hey, I'll be right back. And he would have called the Chickamauga police and been like, hey, listen, he's fucking lying

to you. So no, this is a y'all story a y'all story exclusive Also, I'm not telling my wife and if I told if I told it on putting on airs, which is my podcast with Trey He's doing it does listen to it. No his Trey's wife listens to it Which is why every week I open with welcome to putting on airs Katie Crowder's a huge stupid bitch Katie Crowder's a huge stupid bitch! Oh. Then she gets mad, maybe she'll forget the next five minutes, you know? But no, she'll definitely find out.

So I'm going to keep this one from my wife. And frankly, this is a need to know basis, I think. Well you just reminded me, I'm going to start saying Ben Franklin when I do things like that. Ben Franklin. Well, Ben Franklin, I mean at the end of the day. Cory, thank you. frankly when i do things like that uh... frankly well that frankly i mean at the end of the day uh... korea that's a lot

everyone listen but not airs and i don't find korea at the uh... to come up with this that's right