The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 108 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are rejoined by comedian Jen Kober Redbubble Merch

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They do it all. You can sell content. You can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site by adding a paywall. You can sell memberships. You can sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment.

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When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com stressed all up to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We're going on tour and this is- It's been a while. March, 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th, and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Maybe our favorite city ever. We have never loved a city. Truly the best city we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th, and then we go to Oklahoma City, which is- The best, our favorite, we often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one, the best city I've ever been to.

That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're gonna be in Tulsa Oklahoma our favorite city without question and then we head to Dallas Texas on March 20th our favorite city there's never been a better city than Dallas if you don't like it you're a Dal asshole thank you and then we go to Houston Texas on March 23rd the best city which is by far the best city and then we end our tour in Austin Texas on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city. In the entire world.

Number one city. Number one city in the world. You can get tickets at dollarpodcast.com slash tour. Oh, speaking of podcasts, that's exactly what this is. Welcome to The Past Times. This is the intro to the show. This is where the podcast sort of lets you know what it is so that people go, oh, okay, there's a ruse.

There's a game to this. Now I'm gonna dive into it. It's called The Past Times, you know it. Each, shut up, Dave, each week we go through newspaper and being meta from a random date in history picked out by none other than the Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest, the great Jen Kober. Thank you for coming back, Jen.

Of course. I had such a good time with you guys. You were a hit. I'm glad. I'm glad. People loved you. And and we fell in love with you in the last episode, but even more when you revealed that you're drinking beverages from 1992, Crystal Light. In my Wonder Woman cup, I like to put- In a Wonder Woman cup. First, here's what you have to do, because this keeps it cold.

You have to put the Crystal Light, I get the single packets, I snip them off with a scissor at a diagonal angle so they're easier to pour into the water bottle, shake the shit out of it, then I pour it into my Wonder Woman cup so it's all nice and frothy. You do a lemonade, Crystal Light, and for those of us who thought Crystal Light just sort of- Pink lemonade. For those of us who thought Crystal Light was gone, it lemonade for those of us who thought crystal light was gone it's just this is big it's not yes it is not gone

people are just doing it it's way what is it running for it's way cheap now yeah i was just gonna ask what is like what are we doing price wise i don't know if you remember back in the day a box of that was about 469 and now it's uh 238 at the Walmart. Oh my God, it's going backwards.

I don't know what to say. Well, I don't know what to say about that. I gotta be... It's real good, y'all. If you haven't given it a taste, you need to go back. Get that way back machine. I can't hear Gareth. Can you hear Gareth? I can't hear Gareth either, no.

Gareth, you're a fucking idiot. Are you muted? You know what? This is maybe the way we should do the podcast. You're listening to the pastimes. times where we read a newspaper from back in history and it's just me and Jen. Gareth is muted somewhere in the ethernet. To be fair, this is Gareth's first time podcasting, so these things can be really, really hard. Now I can hear you speak. Hi. There you are.

Yes. Here's what's great, Jen. I'm going to tell you what's great. Dave, most times people can't hear Dave with his microphone. Dave, not happy. I unplugged my microphone once. He's ready to go. He's, it's shellacking time.

Okay. You know what it is? He's pickled. He's pickled. And he He's slacking time. Okay. You know what it is? He's pickled. He's pickled. And he's advertised that very clearly. Gareth keeps his mic too high, so it makes things hard. Talk to Burns about whose audio is good, whose audio isn't. Girls, girls, you're both pretty. You're both pretty. Ask Burns who's consistently got good audio and who's got problematic audio. Oh, he's gone

What just happened there that anger? apologize I didn't apologize for anything Apologize is that scared us? No, I'm not gonna apologize David David What unfortunately we can't do it without Dave's paper Jen Do are we good David do we need to start?

Apologize no, I'm not gonna apologize. You're saying the things that are crazy. I can hear an echo. I can too So So apologize. Okay, Seth, can you hear an echo? No, I don't hear an echo now. Now I don't hear an echo. Okay, all right. Are we good? Are we rolling?

Yeah, well, we will try. Are we going? Nobody trusts you at this point. At this point, I have lost credibility. Do you think we need to redo the intro or are we okay? I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure Burns will be able, if he can piece together my audio, he'll be able to figure it out.

Why are you so upset? You said the same thing to me. What? I wasn't listening. I couldn't hear you. Jen, welcome back. I believe we've talked about Crystal Light. What can we promote for you, Jen? You have a special.

Where can people find it? It's called All Flies on Me. No Flies on Me. So different. Man, you're not coming out of the gate very well. This is what cost me late night with Seth Meyers, the hosting jobs. It's what it's going very well is what I think is going very well. I have a special no flies on me that was recorded

over at Brad Garrett's club in Las Vegas right here produced it. So it's pretty funny. And you can see it at Jen gober.com for free. Absolutely free. Just click on the little thing. And and fortune the other night, things are fine. And every time this guy picked a letter, he did a little side ship shimmy that was like, dare I say rapey. And my mother and I picked up on it early. And we were like, this is gonna ruin the entire episode. And every time you get like, yeah, completely. Yeah. And then he had his way with Ryan Seacrest over the wheel. Well, that, that Ryan Seacrest loves to bend over a wheel. Yeah, that's why he says Seacrest out.

All right. So, Jen, you know what we do on this show. We're raising money for ourselves and we are going to go through a newspaper. You heard the intro. You get to pick what year you think it is. You'll take a guess. I will definitely take a guess, even though there have been more acts of war committed in my direction lately, even with that.

It could be 1700s, could be 2000s. It was so weird last time. I can't imagine it being weird. It was super weird last time, but I'll be honest, that's it could be weirder. It could be. I don't know. It's not okay. What was happening in the journalism?

Let's see what Dave came up with. Yeah. So pick a year as a guest, as a guest, as a guest with a guess. And then I'll go after that. Did you, did you do crystal meth? Did lights crystal meth light. Crystal light. So I'm just guessing a year is what you're telling me.

1978. Great, great work. I'm going to go 1835. Jen wins. It is 1869. Jen, you do see why. A great year for biscuits. Isn't that the name of the biscuit company?

What? 1869 Biscuits? What just happened? Ooh, look it up! This is Southern! 1869 was a brand of biscuits down here. I like, my favorite part of this, look it up. You're a bit of a computer. Oh! It was, yeah. Pillsbury 1869 biscuits, buttermilk biscuits. Yep, they're real good. I do. I

do love a buttermilk biscuit. That is a good biscuit. It was a great thing. They made some 1869 biscuits. They were already baked. And they were in a little eight pack. You bought them already baked and then you just put them in the microwave for like 15, 20 seconds. Boom, they're perfection. They were real good. But now they're gone?

Real good. They don't make them anymore. Yeah, done. Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen them in years. 70s. The 70s was the heyday. Yep.

I used to get that. Remember that squeeze margarine? I put the squeeze margarine on the 1869. You don't even remember that. So you're a health nut. I'm very healthy. I didn't even know we were squeezing, yeah. Parquet.

Yeah, squeeze margarine. I got some in the fridge now because they still sell it in Louisiana. I'm living down in 1869. I'm going to win this one. Here we go. Jen, you by the way, in 20 years, you're going to have some great lawsuits pending. Rustle light squeezing margarine. All right. Well, you've won, even though I would say you're further away than I was. But I guess it's about OK. I feel like

only metrics would be that if I were OK. It seems OK. Well, whatever. Well, the paper is the Southern Standard. From Arcadelfia, Arkansas. Arcadelfia. I've been there. There's a school there. There's a school there. This show is going to be four hours long.

If every weird thing that said you like they used to make race cars. I just you picked 1869 in the South. Yeah. Here my heart? I live here. What is it called? What city? Arcadelfia. It's like if Arkansas called it Philadelphia. Yeah, they were like, look, that city's fancy.

It's also a city of brotherly love. No. Just joke about it. See what I did? I did that. Thank you. I get it. Yep. Joe, come out. That's bad. See what it did. I did better. Thank you.

I get it. Yep. It was so it's February, February 13th, 1869. Valentine's Day after my birthday. Yes. This is all happening. This is Jen Bingo. You got to go buy a lot.

Yeah. Well, this not bankrupted. If those who owe us do not make satisfactory settlement in a few days, we intend to place all our assets into the hands of the officers of the law for collection. P.E. Green can be found at the store of Fred Green. And in whose absence, Fred Green and in whose absence Fred Green will make settlement, come and pay a ceiling.

Very, very expensive to the debtor. Green and brother is very it's like an email. Yeah, it is like an email. It's not like it's not like the first story in a paper. No. Well, it's that's how they had to serve people back then, I bet, was to just print it. Just like, whatever. Just say you're looking for them and that they better pay you.

And that's how you. This paper has one edition, Clark. You fuck. Had Lewis and Clark gotten there? I don't think Clark was a name yet. They're still on the colors. They got green. Next is going to be brown and white, black. They haven't gotten to the Clarks yet.

Jesus. That was when they started doing people's jobs. Yeah. That's why it was so hard to name roads back then. They were like, language is not ready for math. Every town is a main. I'm telling you down here, some of these smaller towns down here just number the streets.

We got one, two, three, one southeast, two southeast, three south, they just numbered the streets. The odd ones go this way, the even ones go this way. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. No, as someone who's lost constantly.

You think that would help you be less lost? I think it would make you more lost. I think I'm just going to be lost. Gareth, do you even know the difference between six and seven? I know the seven, eight, nine. Boom. Boom. Talk about the way back machine. That was a good one. That was a fourth grade joke. I've had a lot of debt, Jen.

They're going to take my fingers. The Greens. The Greens are. An Austrian dramatic author, Mr. Sascha Masich has written a play, Our Slaves, the leading idea of which is men's rights. Oh, my God. Oh, fucking Jordan Peterson.

Men's rights. 1869, Jordan Peterson. Just the like. God, there were even divorced dudes in 1869. Just wearing his weird riddler suits, just like, you see, the male psyche is also under attack. I know we have literal slaves, women are not allowed to leave the house, but the real victim of society is the man. The man is not able

to do what he wants. The other day, I punched a woman for looking at me strange and some friends told me I was out of line. What year is this, I ask you? So that's what the play is inspired by. His argument is that in our society, the husband is the slave of the wife for whom he must work at his desk, in his office, etc. while she leads a truly Olympian life. You know what it is? He married a narcissist. He married a narcissist who's like you get in there and you work if you want this. You get in the office and you work. I do.

But I want to pussy. No, you sit there. I'm going to go live the most Olympian life in the living room. So I'll be here. Say he's at a psychiatrist. So she set up an American gladiator arena in the living room and told me if I wanted a pussy. I needed. I needed to go to the work. I needed to write letters with a quill pen. I needed to quill papa.

So what's also amazing is that the wife was probably like well I'll go work and he was like not an option woman. Wait his plan of reform is to liberate man by giving women work and culture. Oh, wow. So maybe really he was the first feminist. Really? He's an accident. Accidentally. Yes. It's called a woman's right to choose for the man. They're like, you fucking idiot.

OK. All right. An incident in a justice's court. A few days since proceedings were commenced in the court of his honor. Judge H. Yes, they're just going through the letters now. Against a defaulting... Oh, I thought that was the first... the name, completely. That's the whole name, Judge H.

Against a defaulting tenant, the plaintiff in the case was a venerable lady who transacts her own business and dispenses with the services of an agent. The defendant, an unredeemable scamp, fond of liquor and is always under its influence. So he likes to party. That's scampy. That's to me what a scamp is. Yeah, a town drunk. That's a medical scamp.

Yeah. Yeah, a rascal a scamp is. Yeah, a town drunk. That's a medical scamp. Yeah. Yeah, a rascal with the booze. Yeah. I like that they said she was venerable. So she's a lady and he's the tramp. Yeah. Yes. Legally from Judge H.

By accident, the parties met in the judge's office the day before the trial. By accident? The tenant to use a homely expression was evidently disguised in liquor. Liquor? You brought her. And we'll be right there. I love saying in disguise of liquor. That's how I'm going to say it from now on.

Yeah, that's amazing. You get pulled over before the case. Yeah, I don't know why, but yeah, they did. You do know why. Yes, you do. That's what happened to judges A through G. Yeah, true. They had to, they had to.

True, they were like. They had to, that's how they got to judge H, the A through G, they all, they all kept drinking with the club. Jesus Christ. And now it's judge AA. We've gone through the alphabet. Twice. Twice.

He staggered around the room as if his legs would certainly give way, and the spectators expected every moment to see him real and tumble to the floor. Oh, it's awesome. His voice was or appeared to be drunk, and his utterance was thick and slow. I know, sir. I know, sir.

I know, sir. I know, sir. I know, sir. I know, sir. thick and slow. It's so weird to tiptoe around alcoholism in this era, right? Everyone's drunk. That's how the Arkansas accent happened. It was drunk Austrians. I started talking like this because I was drunk! I'll have one more whiskey! That's what drunk Austrian sounds like. And then I was bicycling.

He should not be driving. He's Austrian. But this was not perceived by the lady who... What is that? Raffle at his treatment of her was only auxious. What the fuck? Auxious to express her mind to one who appeared so little sensible of her claims. I don't know what that means.

Let's just move on. With this subject in view, she strode up to her tenant and thrusting the sharp point of her spectacle nose in close proximity to his face demanded, and so you won't pay me, sir.'" In a voice that like her personal, must be person, was angular and sharp. Eh, ma'am, me, what say ye?

This is the drunk guy trying to defend himself in a court of law over tenants' rights or something? This is how it's written. Yeah, he's obviously just not paying his rent. Yes. Hick, ma'am, he, what, you're, say, he. Oh, the stenographer like. This is where the accent came from.

What? He? Say? Huh? But. Ma'am. Ma'am. Play. I'm telling you. Decorum. Huh? But ma'am ma'am play

Coram it's one word at a time. Oh Sheesh shut I Say you are a selfish man a brute sir And again the sharp nose was thrust into his face while the head of the irate dame bobbed spitefully. He's not paying his rent to her. He's making it sound like she's- Well, she's got that pointy nose. Once you have a square nose, you're done for.

I also love, this is pre-Baeliff, because everyone was like, well, it looks like we could have beat the fuck out of each other. Yeah, well, let him go, let him go. This is pre-names. We just have Judge H. We don't even have full name people running. But I like that. I like the idea that the two

could sort of mix it up from their own little tables a little bit. She can get into space. Yeah, it'd be a little more NFL. I'm into it. Okay. I like that she has the spectacles that you hold right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what a lady she is Oh, no, I definitely think that that was the first I picture madam the puppet madam. Do you remember madam? No, yes Yes, thank you. You don't mean madam. Garrett. Madam was the one Gold when the guy died guys talking when the guy died, when the guy died, the puppet, the puppeter, when the puppet died, hold on Gareth, when he died. I'd rather not. Okay, now type in, uh, uh, what's her name?

Uh, the puppet. Type in madam and, and car and car because I believe this is the puppet that when the puppeteer died He left money. So the puppet would be driven around in a car. I'm for years looking at the puppeteer I'm not trying to be rude, but he definitely banged it madam puppet and the car Left to her. Oh, maybe it's a different maybe it's a different Maybe maybe think I would do a different puppet. I'm confusing my puppet. Alright how about this I'll go with you on this one following Flowers death the star tabloid reporter Madame was buried with him. Oh shit. Oh no no no. Flowers bequeath the puppets and his estate to a friend. Oh, manager and ultimately his caregiver.

But he wasn't buried with it. That was fake. Oh, God, that was weird. That was weird for sure. Well, I've never seen this puppet before. There was a guy who was hysterical. It's not OK. That was a funny. That puppet had some quips, man.

That puppet had had jokes, you know, that puppet is still around. I thought you said it was just very. No, that was a rumor in the start. I'm just looking at a drawing of the puppet with Elon Musk. I should stop looking at the puppet. Well, yeah, it's not honestly, it's a it's a scary. It's a scary puppet. Are you saying I should have a puppet?

Am I picking up on that? Okay. It's an old puppet. I should have a puppet? Am I picking up on that? Okay. Yeah, it's time. It's time to take your career to the next level. That phase is good. Huh, yeah. I have pictured you with your hand up somebody's ass

for a long time. You're doing a podcast with him. So. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. The puppet. Ha ha ha the puppet. Dave, so Maddy dropped out of focus. I know what's up with that.

Worst. Oh, my God. Madam, the puppet is fucking awesome. OK, so these two are these two are still talking in the judges chambers. Don't you come so close, ma'am? Don't you come so close, ma'am. Don't you come so close with your nose? Your nose is long, ma'am, and sharp, awful sharp. That's a way of that. That's whistle dog whistle blowing right there.

Yeah, that is. Yep. Winky winky. And yeah, yeah, you know what I'm talking about. They're right here in our city of Arcadelfia, or as I call it, Philly-saw. Philly-saw would have been so much better! Philly-saw is what I am now going to call it. My nose, you brute, is not as long as your conscience. No, just just. But I don't want to spy it. Spied it, ma'am.

You see, I'm drunk and I don't want to spy your nose. Spoil my nose, sir. That's Arkansas right there. They tell you that they're drunk. I love it. No, I've been drinking. That's Arkansas right there. They tell you that they're drunk like you didn't know. I've been drinking! Yeah, we can tell, Paw Paw. Get back in your trailer.

We know, like, but they don't think that... I don't wanna give anything away, but I've had a knuckle of beers. I'm about to tip my hand in the direction that my shucks have a view in this room. I've developed a bad drinking habit over the past two to six years. I might have a problem.

Well, what if I told you I was out of blackout? What do you think about that? Like a constable revealing a murder, the been ship-faced the whole time. Your wiener's caught in your zipper. That's right. Send me all the plain checkers. I've been playing Risk mixed with Battleship the whole time. What? I don't know. I... Oh no! Okie dokie. He's talking to a piñata. to a piñata. Oh, my God. So she says, Spoil my nose, sir.

Would you strike me, sir? Answer me, sir. Am I to apprehend personal violence? And again, the offending pro, I don't know what that word is, was thrust into the fellow's face. Where's the goddamn judge? I don't know. No one's here to stop this.

What's the judge is like? This is pretty good. I mean, at one point it's in spectators, so there's people watching. H is enjoying a drink. Yeah, H is there. He's got a little moonshine and he's just kicked back. Mm-hmm. Maybe eating a biscuit.

Yeah, could be. This would be where they were invented. No violence, ma'am. But you see, ma'am, I'm drunk. I acknowledge the corn and you're no beauty. I ain't to be deceived, ma, man. You ain't no beauty. I surprisingly woman I can bear makes me sick. Sororize my stomach, ma'am.

And when my stomach's riled, ma'am, I always flings up. Wow. That's good ending. Good closing argument. The jury's like, wow, that's pretty good. What could rent have been like five, eight dollars? Yeah, like a peanut. This is all this is all for like

a little bag of change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This seems like a lot of abuse to take. Let this drunk just live where he lives. I acknowledge the corn. I'm wondering if that is like a way of saying drunk. Maybe I acknowledge the I'm drunk.

This corn is alcohol. No, no, acknowledge the corn is an expression to admit the truth of an issue or confess a charge. OK. Well, I acknowledge the I acknowledge the corn. We should start saying that should come back. That's a great, that's like. Most of what this guy said is pretty good. Could be brought back. Yeah, he's not.

All right, I acknowledge the corn. I found a bra in your suitcase. I acknowledge the corn. What? I'll acknowledge this corn for you. Yes. It is needless to say the nose was hastily withdrawn and the gentleman with the wild stomach went his way.

Like Pinocchio. He's got bubble guts from being drunk and she's got a big nose. This is the bad combo. And I like the way that he's just sort of like, I understand you have a condition. A big fat fucking nose She's like it's just a thing I understand you're different than the rest of us you have a witch's face The right there on the side you get a couple of corns That's a cop or is that your nose?

Sir. The judge is like, what's my role? Remind me what I do. That's a solid opener. That's a great opening art. That's the front page. That's the front page. Yeah, we're still on the front page.

Yeah. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Dave. Of course, our friends forever. We've been using Squarespace forever. We love their websites. They're crisp, they're clean, they're easy to use. You don't have to update stuff.

Well, look, we've said this over and over again, but if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with and it is Squarespace. Yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the whole checkout. Flexible employees too. Those people are... It's weird. Okay.

You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful. They do credit cards, Apple Pay, all the stuff, PayPal, they do it all. You can sell content, you can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site by adding a paywall. You can sell memberships, you can sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this.

Okay, keep going. on my website. Is that what we're talking about? And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak? Because I think that's a good point. Squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm going to say it again. Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Louisiana, a gentleman from Nachitoches.

Let me correct you right there, sir. You are not close. That word is Macadish. Macadish. Yeah. Fucking. I know. I know. I know. Jen, I didn't do it. Wait, Dave, none of those letters are there, Jen.

Dave, let me preface it. Jen, on this show there Dave's been hurt by people at our shows shouting at him about pronunciations So you're not coming in on the ground floor of this operation and in addition to that To acknowledge the corn that word does not sound possible Let me let me spell it. Let me spell it. Yeah. N A T C H I T O C H E S. And now say it. Macadish. No. No, wrong. That's the Worcestershire sauce of Louisiana. Yes, it is. That's my joke.

Massachusetts I was looking for Worchester. And they were like, you know, we don't grow watches. It's called Worcester. Like Rooster will win a W. So people say Worcester, like you're a Worcester, Worcester, Worcester, but nobody ever says what you're back. And I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna take you down to Louisiana and bring you to Mac and see what the fuck you call it. I'm gonna drive to Chalkatulas

Street in New Orleans and see what the fuck you call it. We spell go with an ex motherfucker. Don't play with me. I'm Louisiana. No flies on me. jen Cobra.com. That's right. Macadam's No flies on me, jenkobra.com. That's right. Natchitoches.

All flies on me. All flies on me is gonna be my special where I'm gonna do the Massachusetts version of your stuff. It's literally, Natchitoches is the town that has the little Christmas festival. It's where they filmed Steel Magnolias. Oh.

Oh, well now we know. There it is. That's my favorite film about a diabetic. Go ahead, Dave. A a gentleman from Natchitoches a painting informed us while in the city that a Frenchman, a gentleman of excellent practical talents and of superior scientific attainments, intends to plant in the coming year several acres of poppies to manufacture opium.

This is such a great era when you're like, my plan is to make heroin over here. How's everyone doing? A Frenchman from Louisiana. a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a you might as well be Arkansas. That's why he's there in Arkansas, because it's very close. Yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my plan is to grow, I'm going to make heroin here.

I'm going to make heroin, to plant opium right here. Pretty straightforward. Oh, wow. Oh. He says that an acre of poppies will make 50 pounds of opium worth $15 to $20 a pound. That's great.

That is like, I will be a drug dealer. You're most welcome. He will be providing many jobs. Right. Is that what it's saying? Call it the oxy cotton. We will mix it eventually with our other crop called cotton. And together we call the two opium and oxy cotton. Especially with our other crop called cotton, and together we're called the two, opium and oxy-cotton.

Ha ha ha! We hope to hear a favorable report of this experiment next fall. None of the people we gave it to came back to report. Ha ha ha! They've all been missing. Here. Um, a young man, a young man eloped with a young girl from the vicinity of Springfield, Ohio, pursued by the irate father of the girl. He overtook them, standing by the brink of

a swollen stream through which they could not pass to the other side. Is this written from the perspective of a kidney stone? I don't know what just happened. It just seems very strange. It's very weird. It's a swollen stream and yet I can't get past. I don't understand how they can't get by him. Until an iron pen came down and broke me into a hundred little me's. That is hysterical.

Oh, God, Jesus. All right. That is hysterical. Oh, God, Jesus. Alright. In this dilemma, like Lord Eulin's daughter, the heroine preferred to meet the rage of the- Did someone say heroine? No. I am from Mecha- No, Fred Swaugh! It's me, from Mecha- No, we know, Fred Swaugh! Go away!

It is spelled Nietzsche with a radish at the end. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha while one lovely hand was around her lover, as did the chief of all. This is like he's comparing it to some folklore thing. Right. The chief of all his aisle, the young aloper simply pulled out a big blunder bus and drawing a bean on the old man swore he would institute a view of daylight through his composition in less than two minutes if he didn't climb out of that, like a thousand brick. A blunderbuss is a gun. I mean, what's happening here is that he keeps using

all these phrases in quotations and it's just making it unreadable. But his blunderbuss is a musket. So he pulled out his musket. Is it? Yeah. So he pulled out his musket and threatened the old man. Yeah. The old man immediately climbed and the happy pair returned to Springfield to be solidified. We gave him some poppy seeds.

Yeah. He went to sleep. His last words to the couple was, do whatever the fuck you want. I'm a ride this pony. You should be able to kill. You should be able to kill some riders. That's what I took from that. Wow. Murder them. It should be. Yeah, it's like a southern thing.

You can kill a rider if they really don't write well. I mean, that's what that's what that's what happened to MSNBC down here. You notice they don't have a. Thank you. Thank you. Is that right? I thought that's what James Carville was. James Carville is all alone. He is alone on the boat.

He's just sitting there. He had to go marry a Republican just to be able to say what he said. Yeah, right. And now he's down there like he's lost many steps, but he's just trying to still do turns of phrases from there. People like, I'm not sure that makes sense. He's like, I was hotter than a crawfish outside of a rock factory.

But, Garrett, that is hot. You know, that's hot because the crawfish is that means the crawfish is not in water. And it's better than a toilet that couldn't flush, twash. Now, like, James, your Internet's bad. I know it isn't. He's like, I'm sorry. I that man's collection of LSU gear alone. Oh, my gosh.

I could imagine. I mean, I can't shame him for what he dresses like. That's literally what I wear to the grocery store. But every time I do see him, I'm like, sir, you have milkshake on your news shirt. Like, I know you're mailing it in, but holy fuck. I was my son has a ex LSU pitchers, a coach of his and I was over at his house in the garage, he does his like instructions and I was just sitting there and I looked over and he's got a purple flyswatter. I'm just like, Jesus, dude, everything just it doesn't have to be everything.

I am living in Baton Rouge right now and I am telling you, the grocery store is all decorated in like what what does Alberson's have to do with the fucking football team? I don't know. This is you. Everybody needs the support. It is what I keep getting told. And I don't know what to do because I really live in Los Angeles, but the lucky thing is, is the Lakers and LSU are the same color. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, that is lucky. Yeah. As long as I just buy purple and gold things without any kind of writing on them, I'm okay. I lived in, I took a year in Idaho and I just lived and I bought a, I had a Boise State sweater I bought at the airport and I would wear it to the store and someone would come up to me and be like, you can't have blew that. And I'd be like, what?

And then I'd remember what I was wearing. And I'd be like, I just, you take the shortest route. I'd be like, he's out of his mind. And they'd be like, I don't know if he's out of his mind, but his foot's hurt. I'd be like, his's out of his mind. And they'd be like, I don't know if he's out of his mind, but his foot hurt. I'd be like, his foot is bad. Jesus Christ. And Albertsons. I'd be like, yeah, it's well.

Sometimes you just say something. Yeah. Boys of State should be shut down because you shouldn't be allowed to have a blue field. I agree. I agree. It's absolutely criminal. I agree. You can't see bluegrass is in Kentucky. I agree. Yeah. They stole it. Fuckers.

Okay, so Where were we? Was this the crawfish one that I just said? No. Is there crawfish? I just alluded to crawfish. In a regional... Oh, yeah, that was you.

Okay, never mind. So the cook... I created a fake crawfish. I was totally confused. I was like, where's the crawfish part of the story? It didn't take much. Yeah, it really didn't. Yeah. But I gotta say, and I think I've said this before, like one of my favorite things to eat in the world is crawfish in Louisiana. Oh my God, it's so good. I haven't really worked to a science. I have a twist and suck method that is one move.

See it's weird, and I'm going to say you people and I mean it in a non-offensive, it's when you guys are like, you got to suck the brain. That's where I'm like, I'm out. It's not the brain, you idiot. It is. It is. It's not the brain. You're really sucking the spice out of the body cavity.

By the way, that's what this guy told me behind Dunkin' Donuts one time, and he wanted to. That's what the guy said at Dunkin' Donuts, tripped from the dumpsters. He was like, don't think of it like you're sucking the brain out, just like it's a milkshake for my nuts. I was like, sir, you promise you'll give me munchkins? He was like, yeah, I work here.

Long story short, I had to pay for my munchkins. Anyway, let's get back to the paper. America runs on Duncan. Anyway, anyway, that's Garret's crawfish story. Anyway, that's my crawfish story. It took place in New Jersey. Jesus Christ. The cook of a French nobleman

whose chateau is in the south of France had a monkey which was allowed to free range, free range of the kitchen. We do the dollop and this show and most times there's something that chemically happens to me when I hear that a man owned a monkey. It just the joy I feel. It's terrible. But also it just steps up everything when a guy's like, and I got a monkey. You're like, well, this is a good movie.

You have to watch Chimp Crazy. I tried to watch Chimp Crazy. It's a little too Chimp Crazy. Yeah, I couldn't get to it. But it did make me want a little tiny monkey. Oh, I don't want to say that. Oh, I I would never I would never I would never I would never. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to put a capuchin in a diaper

and take it to the mall with you. Thank you. You're right to feel it. I feel it. Are you kidding me? I want to live in a cage with nothing but monkeys. How about that? Oh my god. I want to start shaving myself till I'm covered in fur and they think I'm their papa.

How about that? They're good. I mean they're so adorable. Yes. Yes. It's what a baby should be. But you can't, and they don't talk. No, but they communicate.

Listen, there's nothing wrong with sitting here playing with your nipples until milk comes out of them because you think you can be the leader of a capuchin family. Dave, you've said it a hundred times. You've said it so many times, you got merch. But we're not supposed to do it. Okay? There's nothing wrong with squatting over and walking like a monkey man and living in a tree and sleeping in a tree to show the Capuchins that you're one of them.

And if the government comes here, just pretending that you're, you know, go and hide in a little cellar you made for yourself and call it the monkey dungeon. There's nothing wrong with that. That's expected, but you can't do it. But feeling it is right. So what you keeps saying it. What you have to do to sort of balance that feeling is a lot of self-tanning. Self-tanning, yes. Apparently the self-tanning makes everything better.

Yes, and what I do a lot of times is I'll go to the zoo, take my shirt off, and just sit outside the enclosure for a long period of time. And then when it's about an hour left and you got nothing to lose, lose the bottoms. That's fine. Worst case scenario, they throw you out when they're closing anyway. Dave keeps saying it and he's right. He's right to say it.

But you don't do it. That's what you don't do. All right, three, two, one, Squarespace, we're back. Holy shit. So a free so the monkey has free range in the kitchen and which rate that's the best. Monkey. That's the best place to allow a monkey to free range. Animated. Yes. Not even illegal. Yes. And which was so intelligent that by severe training, its natural propensity to mischief had been subdued.

And it was even taught to perform useful services such as plucking fowl, for instance, at which was uncommonly expert. All right. Jan, are you going to flag it? OK, listen. There's a lot wrong with this. Yes. First of all, I do like how they're making it, like working in a kitchen, like the way it makes prisoners, like, go straight. Have you ever seen that? Yes, yes.

It does the same thing for monkeys. They're mischievous, and putting them in kitchen work somehow contains them. I do like that. And of course, they're good at plucking foul. All they do is pick fucking nats off of each other all goddamn day in the jungle. That's their natural propensity is to pluck shit, which ought to scare people as you don't want to be plucked

by a fucking monkey. Hold on. I do want to be plucked by a monkey. Dave, Dave, come on now. Keep it. Turn my mic back off. Dave, Dave, Dave. This is a slippery slope. What if Riverside Riverside comes in is like, well, this is the first show we've ever shut down. Here's what I'm going to flag.

Two things. The first is the term severe training. Don't love it. Don't is the term severe training. Don't love it. Don't love the term severe training. Training is one thing. Severe training, I think, is a shorthand for abuse. The second is, imagine if you were at this fucking guy's house, you're eating some duck and then all of a sudden he reveals to you who the Sioux is. And the Sioux chef is just this little fucking chimp.

Yeah. And you're just like, yeah, I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. I'm more in. I'm like the monkey did this and he's like, yeah, I'm like, yes, he's the sous chef. Yes. That's amazing.

That's hilarious. The hardest part of the dish is getting the cook to not jerk off every time. And the monkey! Also, the monkey, he's not, it's, it was hard to train on the monkey, but the cook himself is fucking horrendous. And the worst part is he calls it making the sauce! Yeah! Eww! Okay, one fine morning, a pair of partridges were given to it to pluck, and the monkey

took them to an open window of the kitchen, which looked directly on the park and went to work. He throws them out. Come on, damn it. I want to just be like. Were the partridges in pear trees? They better have been. Oh, God. I think that's the only way they come on. That's the only time I've heard of a pear tree.

I know. He soon finished one, which he laid on the outer edge of the window and then went quietly on with the other. That's so wild. A hawk. Literally. A hawk, yeah.

A hawk enters the story. A hawk, which had been watching his proceedings from a neighboring tree, darted down upon the plucked partridge and in a minute was up in the tree again, greedily devouring his prey. What did that monkey do? He plucked the motherfucking hawk. Yeah. What's the consternation?

I just, for a minute, I was like, oh, that's the end of the partridge. I forgot we're dealing with a monkey. Yeah, it's a fucking monkey. You fuck with the wrong little hairy person, you fucking eagle. The consternation of the monkey at this untoward adventure may be easily imagined. He knew he should be severely whipped for losing it. See, you're right. The incarnation of the monkey at this untoward adventure may be easily imagined. He knew he should be severely whipped for losing it. See, you're right.

So this is a fear base. It's what we call severe training. You keep being beaten until you can make the biscuits. No, no, no, no, no, no. Severe training. We're not bit the animal. But we do want him to make biscuits. But you're very subject to the idea of him making biscuits. He hopped about in great distress for some minutes,

then suddenly a bright thought struck him, seizing the remaining partridge. Getting in the head of the monkey for a journalist is dynamite. Amazing. Seizing the remaining partridge, he went to work with great energy and stripped off the feathers. Then he laid it on the ledge, just where he had placed the other and closing one of the shutters concealed himself behind it.

Monkey trap, bitch. Wow, he just pulled the monkey trap. This monkey is way too smart to just be plucking. Well you don't bring your fucking bird shit into my monkey land. Yeah, is that? I think so. I think it is. I think it is.

Is that the ant? Oh no. Oh no. No, this monkey, this hawk's fucked. The hawk, which by this time had finished his meal very soon Swooped down upon the partridge But hardly had his claws touch the bird when the monkey sprang upon From behind the shutter the hawks head was instantly rung and the monkey with a triumphant chuckle proceeded to strip off the feathers

Unreal. Yes. One bird for another. Of a fucking hawk. And now we're eating hawk shit. Now we're eating hawk. Fuck yeah, we are. Wow. It's a tougher meat. Yeah, I was just going to say it's just like.

He's jerking off into the sauce anyway, so we're fine. That's a marinade. Zed Monkey has improvised.vised protein breaks it down. The protein breaks it down. What you're having now is hawk with what we call the monkey sauce. It was literally the first hawk. Jen, Jen.

Thank you. Yeah. Oh, just blocked out the windowsill to be hawked up. Well done. Oh, God. All right. This done, the monkey carried the two picked fouls. Oh, go away. Of course it is. There's got to be more.

This is epic. This is like on the road. He carried the two picked fowls to his master with a confident and self-satisfied air, which seemed to say, here are two birds, sir, just what you gave me. But the cook said. Shut the fuck up with monkey dialogue in his head. You could get inside the monkey head.

I don't think so. A good rider gets in the monkey head. What the cook said on finding one of the partridges converted into a hawk is more than we are able to tell. Now you don't know. Now that the humans involved, you can't say what happened. He didn't know how to end it. His weird little fake story maybe.

He didn't even know how to stick the landing He was like and what the cook said I? Gotta go I'm out. I'm too tired for coming up with monkey pitches and the first turducken was born. Yeah It's a partridge inside of a hawk inside of an eagle. We call it par-hawking. That would be a much better way for the song to end. And a partridge and a hawk the monkey plopped. On the ninth day of Christmas.

Four killer hawks! One beaten monkey with French guy and a hawk. And a crawfish in a cream sauce. And a guy a duck and donuts promise munchkins. Wow, that is an awesome tale. That I hope is true. I hope so too. An act for the better regulation of public schools in cities and towns has been passed

both houses. This feels more fictitious. I mean, by both houses, they mean there are two houses in this town. The Andersons! Both of them, the greens and the whites. And they decided... Yeah, okay. I can't!

Then it shall be. Better is good as used in this connection. Better is a word of comparison, but it would puzzle the oldest granarian in America to find a rule by which comparison can be applied to nothing. There is no regulation now, whatever public schools and cities and towns, and until there is some regulation. So the bar is so low that this is just being considered some improvement. So better, they're saying is a term that doesn't even really make any sense. Because there's no, there's nothing to compare it to.

So they're saying better doesn't mean fuck off. Yeah, it's kind of some word. Better don't mean shit right here. Yeah. Yeah. That's for yes. It. Better don't mean shit right here. Yeah. Yes. It's James Carville on MSNBC. Okay.

Well, that's good. Also, again, that ship has sailed. So now we do know what better would be. We just don't provide it. So it's an interesting turn. Oh, remedy for smallpox. Bite them off. I was going to say Windex.

Twist them and then suck the brains out. Get your monkey on it. Yeah, have a monkey plucked. You know what Hulk feathers is good for? Yeah. Smallpox. You better hope you don't get the monkey plucked. Oh, this is delicious. Yeah, really. This is delicious. What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this?

What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this?

What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this?

What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? with a panda recipe which has been used to my knowledge in hundreds of cases. It will prevent or cure the smallpox through the pittings are filling though the pittings are filling. Okay. What? No, the pittings are filling? Yeah. This motherfucker better not be talking about doing what we were just joking about. They're like gushers of the body. Stop it. I'm Jen. Let's cook. Come on. No, it's cooking right now. There's nothing.

Crystal like cooking. Hey, chill, chill, chill. Come on. Everyone's upset. Relax. The word pox is so tasty. Yeah. Delicious.

Exactly. Yeah. When Jenner discovered cowpox in England, the world of science hurled an avalanche of fame upon his head. But when the most scientific school of medicine in the world, that of Perry, published this recipe as a... I can't read that. For smallpox, it passed unheated. It is as unfailing as late and conquers in every instance. It is harmless when taken by a well person.

It will also cure scarlet fever. So look, what he's saying is that vaccines work. Yeah, right. This is RFK-ish. Now he's got a way for you to figure out how to get rid of your smallpox. As long as you don't got nothing for this here polio. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that guy was just going on and on. Also, it'll also scarlet fever. Also, it'll whip your monkey into shape and RSV and shingles. Did you say monkey? Is there a dead monkey I can drive home? It's the same stuff that cures COVID-19. Oddly enough. The monkey's just plucking the like the pheasant and then like RFK just hits it over the head with a hammer and just eats the monkey whole. That's what I'll be having myself. I feel something in my brain. I think it's a worm. Oh, shit, it could be that monkey. That fucking worm in his head was like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And then he's like, root beer will kill you. That worm was that worm in his head was starving to death. And then they said the worm and they said the worm just died in there, which is also I'm like, really? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they just were worm just died in there. Which is also, I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty sure they just were like, yeah, it's dead. So he's just like a bottle of tequila. He's just sitting there with like a little worm, just like dead, I would not, I'd be like, we need to go in.

We need to go in after. Yeah, I think we gotta go in and make sure. Let's double check. Let's see what's going on in Matthew's head. Hello, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Here is the recipe as I have used it and cured my children of scarlet fever. Here it is, I'm gonna use it to cure smallpox. You got a recipe for it, okay. Yeah, all right. That seems safe. It's the buttermilk biscuits. Oh, this is, yeah, you're right. This is this is crazy.

This is R.F.K. Junior. Sulfate of zinc, one grain. Talk Foxglove one grain. I have noot. I have noot. Foxglove. Do you guys have that way? Foxglove. Is there cream of tartar anywhere. Sorry, I don't have that.

I'm looking for corn of which it's got to be mixed by a monkey. I acknowledge the corn. I acknowledge the corn. I acknowledge the corn. This is going to be an uphill battle. A teaspoon of sugar. How's everyone liking their vaccine? Mixed with two teaspoons of water.

And a spoonful of sugar helps the vaccine go down. The vaccine go down. Better feeding this to a smallpox person. Sorry about this. I mean, when thoroughly mixed. They were out of a box of gloves. Take a spoonful every hour. Either disease will disappear in 12 hours for you.

You know, you're dying. You'll you'll bleed out. Oh, your smallpox get big. You'll have large. You have big, big pox. You're going to have some of the biggest pox you've ever seen. Macro. We got big old pox

for a child smaller doses If counties would compel their physicians to use this there would be no need of Pesthouses if you value advice and experience use this for that terrible disease. Wow houses That is some Arkansas shit right there. That's not great. You know what? Arkansas is the only place in this country I've ever been offered possum to eat after a show.

It was delicious. You did eat it? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! You put anything in a crock pot with a brown gravy, it's gonna be good.

That's true. They call it chicken of the attic. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, I don't know what an attic is, but. Ha ha ha ha. That's what happens when you take too much opium. You become a drug addict.

It's an above basement. Yeah. Well, hey, Louisiana, we don't have basements. You dig three feet, you hit water. Yeah, imagine if the duplex was... We don't even bury dead people. We do that above ground, too. This is going to be hard for us to convey what an attic is, I'm realizing. You're saying to me, this is a place we shouldn't live. That's all I keep hearing. By the way, your burials, I'm actually into there in Arkansas.

Well, in Arkansas, the burials, I bet they can't hit the ground I bet they are underground there I think you're just doing mausoleums or what? Yeah. Well in Louisiana. They got above ground. Yeah, it's like it's like above ground tombs, yeah You get buried above ground. What about pools? You don pools? You don't have in-ground pools there? They do have in-ground pools. So we have the technology to put pools underground, but the humans we gotta go above. Your Honor, Judge Ains. Your Honor, I'm calling bullshit on the whole area.

I mean, good Lord. Will you ask this woman to get her square nose out of my face? I think we're all saying the same thing. Can we ask this Mormon to get her square nose out of my face? I think we're all saying the same thing. We will start putting the dead in pools. It's a clock-pop thing. It's called Deadpool. We'll be right back, Squarespace.com.

An individual in Berlin undertook on a wager to sit for four hours in a barber's window without moving in place of the wax figure customarily displayed there. What is happening? What is happening? Had this guy just been in the poppy fields? Is it what happened? He stared at a wall. Hey, we got to get rid of the wax figure we got here. Is anybody

So we just fired the wax figure. I Would love to sit in the barber chair for a while Difficult for me to live with as of late for me to live with as of late. She's living her Olympic life! She's living her best life in the living room and making my life hell. All I do is sit in this office. You want my life?

Why don't you go sit in the barbershop's place in the window for four hours and see how you like it, Gabriella? At three in the afternoon, but it doesn't say why the wax figure is not there. Okay. They unionized. At three in the afternoon, he appeared at his post dressed in a white sheet with a huge wig on his head.

Easy. Surrounded by a fez cap. Oh, so just a normal person in a barber chair. It sounds like, yeah, well, it sounds like. A grand poobah. Yeah, if the Klan met the, yeah. Well, it's Germany, so it's not the Klan. It's worse.

I mean, it's not, it's not not the Klan. Here's the German reaction to that. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said about it. It's not, it's not Dr. Glenn. Here's the German reaction to that. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said about him. Thank you very much. Every effort was made by the bystanders to make him show some sign of life. So it's like the British guards where they're just kind of like trying to... Raz, yeah, it's fun. It's Germany. It's fun.

Yeah, it's a good time. Time for a party. Street boys were tempted by the promise of the street boys. That's not a musical, but I thought maybe more would happen, but you're all right to not do anything. Yeah, no. We had a straight boys. Street boys were tempted by the promise of large rewards to make their most ridiculous grimaces and address him

and all sorts of funny spectacles, but all in vain. He remained immovable until the clock struck seven when he rose dead. When he rose, bowed gravely to the astonished crowd and retired into the shop. How is this in a newspaper in Louisiana or Arkansas? It's a good point. Arca Arca Philadelphia, DC. You have better things to cover. You have to. If you're better things to cover.

You have to. If you're talking about world news. This is the worst world news I've ever read. Some German guy just sitting in a barbershop window chair. Yeah. But this, you have to understand, nothing's going on in Arcadelfia, Arkansas. Nothing's going on anywhere. To this day.

Yes, yes, yes. So what could have been going on in 1869? They're literally like, y'all, there was one guy, he just sat in a fucking chair and stared at a wall, god damn it. Put that in the paper. Put that in there. Hold on. People don't know that.

Hold on. This dumbass sat in a fucking chair, stared at the wall for what had to be four fucking hours. You put that in the paper. People need to know that shit. Do you hear about the street boys? They were walking down the street going, we're the street boys. And that was it.

That was basically it. They had shells on their back and they kept eating pizza. It was very bizarre. Michelangelo. All right. You got one more, David. Yeah, this is just one of those one sentence things. These are the best.

Oh, God. Especially shun whiskey, fast women and the United States were the dying words of a man who was hanged in Canada the other day. That's how you fucking do it. Tell me what that, wait, what were the words again? Especially shun whiskey, fast women and the United States. That's how you do it. Especially shun? Yeah. Shun.

I disagree with the first two. I push back, but I like the bold. I like the idea. Like last words, especially a hanging. You have a real opportunity. Yeah, you do. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And as a Canadian to take that, to be like, fuck you United States so early on. I mean, 1869, we hadn't really. I mean, we've done a lot of bad shit, but we hadn't really gotten deep in we'd only been a country for a hundred years anyone who thought the u.s. Was bad back then we were just like We're about to hit the nitro button Last words can be great

Yeah. Yeah. But the last words can be great. Like a hanging last word. Like if your last words were just, might just be like, my throat hurts. But you know what? Let me say this. There's not a lot of Canadians out there

in the quotable universe. There's not a lot of Canucks out there that people are just quoting like this, right? Nobody writes down apologizing. What's your last word, sir? Eh. I'm sorry. I'm pretty, I'm, we're terribly sorry about that. This was a great misunderstanding.

I don't know what this is about. Oops. I hope I don't hurt your rope. I hope your rope's reusable. Gosh, these gallows is pretty tall. Well done. Nice built structure. You fucking idiot Canadians.

You don't know how to die right. Go to the US. Well, Jen, thank you for joining us with your crystal light, with your hock tuas. People can see my special all flies on me, but your special's no flies on me. JenCobber.com. Absolutely. Thanks for coming back. Now I'm guessing you thought the last paper crazier than this paper, but still it does

show you, I I mean a monkey chef no listen if you can have if you can have fight for men's rights and get a recipe for smallpox I feel like it's a banner day I just to be clear this was a recipe to stop smallpox nobody is making the recipe for Fox. I shouldn't have eaten that! Oh, you sent a recipe to stop it? Oh, fuck me. I did not hear you. Did you put Glove Fox in this? Alright, Jen, thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Thanks, of course, guys. Thanks.