The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 109 - The Past Times with Steve Furey

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are rejoined by comedian Steve Furey Redbubble Merch

We're going on tour and this is it's been a while March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona Maybe our best city of all time. It's the best that is on March 16th And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city ever. We really never love the city We've ever gone to that's on March 17th and then we go to Oklahoma City, which is our faith We often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to.

That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Our favorite city without question. And then we head to Dallas, Texas on March 20th. Our favorite city. That's why there's never been a better city. If you don't like it, you're a Dal asshole. Thank you.

And then we go to Houston, Texas on March 23rd. The best city. Which is by far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city. In the entire world. Number one city in the world.

You can get tickets at dollopodcast.com slash tour. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. The Great Steve Fury, hi Steve. What's up? Super excited to be here, dude. Thank you for being here.

Steve is wearing a Sacramento Kings hat. Are you from Sacramento? Yes. All right, all right. He's a homer. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's good. You wear one. When I was, in like the year 2000 or something,

when I was working at Stable Center and I learned to the back the backside of things that the NBA was totally fixed. I was working at the Sacramento punch line and it was that's where I'll be at. The end of the month. It's the it was the week when I had a lot of stuff on this. Sorry. Go ahead. The Kings were like kicking ass in the playoffs and they were supposed to win. And they were like three to one or something in the playoffs series. And then it came down.

It seems like I remember. Yeah. It came down to last game. And since I knew, since I was like a hundred percent convinced it was fixed, I went to a big sports bar just because I knew the Kings were going to lose. And I just sat there and ate and watched it transpire. And it was like, it was like watching like a Greek tragedy. Like it was the most fascinating experience to watch all those people knowing. And I was just knowing, I was like, the game's just completely fixed. Like it's like-

You seem like, like, you know, the Highlander when he cuts people's heads off and he sucks all their souls. You did that like a Buffalo Wild Wings. All these people, yeah. They just put their head back as their spirits got sucked into. By the way, that's a great Buffalo Wild Wings commercial. They should use that.

That's really good for people. Whoa! Oh, well, so Steve, you are truly fucking hysterical. Thank you. Likewise. We've done a number of shows together. You are truly one of the best. So we were saying we don't know you're you're I mean, people can see you in a number of

places but your best thing to do is follow you on Instagram. Aren't you scuba Steve fury scuba like you're diving Steve F you are you why? Yeah. Do you do you do you scuba do you know it scuba is it's a really niche reference from the movie big daddy um his son was obsessed with this thing called scuba steve uh i remember scuba steve yeah scuba steve so then that was kind of a nickname of mine with some people i was hanging out with and then i just kind of thought it was was funny. Yeah. Okay. There you go. Don't Look off your face. They know but leave him alone Dave back off

No, you have a stop it. Your mother's a big fan of our show. So you are why you have an online name That's hard for people to find. Okay, so We see if you're able to come up right that many of them Hey, by the way, you're talking to Dave underscore Anthony and Reynolds Gareth, so let's all calm down. No, I'm Dave Anthony on the Twitter and the, I couldn't get my real name on Instagram. I couldn't get my actual name.

That's why I said Instagram. But I jumped in late to the game. The Grammys. There's a Steve Fury who's incredibly successful guitar teacher, he has like YouTube videos. That's who I thought we booked. Who are you? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm the yodel. I brought my accordion. I'm a yodel for you guys. Can you book a lesson? Yeah. Can you do lessons on YouTube with him? Yeah, I mean, this was like when I first started, he had tens of thousands of followers.

Can you reach out to him and see if he wants to do the show? I mean, we just really, yeah, is that cool? We really wanna get him. This is why, yeah, I was like, Yeah. Is that cool? We really want to get this is why. Yeah. I was like, don't that can't be the scuba guy. Can't be the guy we're looking for. And it turns out it's not. Can't have more than one passion. You can't scuba and teach guitar.

That's cancer. Fanduac podcast. Just ask Dave. What the fuck just happened? So, Steve, we're going through a newspaper. We like to guess what year it is. You get to go first. The reasons why you go first, I'm not even going to get into it, but it's problems with

Dave. Okay. So we've done 2000, that's our latest. We've done 1600-ish, that's our earliest. You're definitely not going to be going in the 1600s, it'd be my guess, but it's up to you. Yeah. And there's no prize.

I want to get like 24 AD, it's just on Pap but it's up to you. Yeah, and there's no prize. I want to get like, you know, like 24 AD It's just on papyrus. Oh my god, you'd like Realizing sand sand not water. Oh fuck me. Um, I'm gonna guess 1975 Wow, check you out. Check you out. I'm pushing back. I'm going. 1866.

Ha, what a dumb guess. Steve is correct. It's 1912, which is, I believe, what Steve guessed. It's not. February 6, 1912. I feel on Jeopardy, isn't Jeopardy or whatever, though? Whatever. Yeah, I won. Yeah, it's Jeopardy rules Isn't Jeopardy or whatever the one, whatever. Press is right. Yeah, I won.

Yeah, it's Jeopardy rules. That's right. He's right. By the way, I got final Jeopardy last night and my mother barely gave me any credit. Did you mom? Hey buddy, there's a podcast happening. It was Marie Curie.

Mom, I got final Jeopardy last night, correct? She's talking. What's going on right now? It was hard. I got final Jeopardy, it was Marie's talking. What what what's going on right now? She's it was hard. I got final Japanese Marie Curie. Go ahead. People get final jeopardy all the time. Is that the first time you've gotten

final in this house? Brings up a little plaque. His mom gives it to him that they traded off like a championship belt. It's a congratulations spelled with a K. So we're doing Steve's hometown, Fairbanks, Alaska, the weekly Alaska citizen. Which is nice, it'll make you feel at home.

Yeah. First page here. Returns in three days to find wife, bride of another. Oh, shit. That happens. That's very Alaska. It goes out fishing. Yeah, it is. Comes back, wife with a new new you can't leave your lady alone for a second up there cuz she'll get matched up by another Alaskan and by the way, we're a progressive show. I would say that's not news is my thing. It's news. I

Think that's like If you're gonna start flagging that stuff, this show is going to get real complicated. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, that's new. Why? Yeah. Well, like, how did the writer find this? I bet the writer wrote that story about himself. Yes. Well, it's from another paper. It's from Savannah, Georgia. So he got it off the wire. This even makes it weirder.

Yeah. Yeah. It makes it weird to be like, oh, huge, can't pass this. After an absence of three days, George Ari, a prosperous Greek, returned last night to find his wife, the bride of another man. Now that's not legal then, correct? Why not? I don't think.

You don't know how Greek law works. Yeah, do you think they put Greek in there so you'd feel worse for him or not as worse for him? is worse for them. I think that back then they needed to assign the country or the ethnicity of every person in the paper so people would know how to feel. By the way, it's still happening. Yeah, it's just race now. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know, I don't know where the Greeks landed on that spectrum in 1912. Yeah. Probably not considered white. I would imagine.

Yeah, I'm gonna guess it. Or you wouldn't have put Greek. You would have just said white guy. Yeah, because Italians weren't at that point. So. They still aren't. Greeks. Yeah, and Irish like they weren't.

Yeah, they still aren't. Okay, so Ari received word through a half opened door to go away, which he did. That's the crazy part. Yeah, all right, honey. It was like a guy, get out of here. You don't live here anymore. Leave, I'm insider, go.

Take your tzatziki and get the fuck out. Yeah, my toga's caught in the sliding door. It's so hard to keep fucking and answer the door and talk to someone. Very relatable comment. Yeah, I don't know if I've been able to do both. Which he did, but he only went as far as the police station where he asked aid in regaining his property. Well, I'm fully on the bright side now.

That was so easy to swing me in the direction of her to say yes and then go to the police station and report a property missing. That's it. No, he just wants to get back into his property. My chatty hole. Oh, sorry. He wants to get not his wife. Sorry. His house. I misunderstood. Oh, my God. It's 1912 not his wife. Sorry. His house. I misunderstood. Oh, my God.

It's 1912. That's not crazy. Is he complaining that his wife was cheating on him or that he can't get his stuff? He's complaining into his house. He can't get into his house because his wife is cheating on him. Wow. I can't get into my wife. Yeah. The other man was a partner in one of Aries stores. Miss Aries wishing a half interest in the other of her own right. Both places have now been closed by the police pending settlement.

Patrice and Miss Aries were married according to the Greek Orthodox Church laws. So it doesn't say his name. So did she? Oh no, it does. Okay. So the other guy, so she did marry the other guy. I think she's got a Greek husband and an Alaska husband. I think you're right. Yeah.

Which I've done. Can you do, I think you can do that. Yeah, I think that's different. Yeah, you can do that. That's legal, you could do that. Yeah. I mean, I've got a Greek wife. I was an's different. Yeah, you can do that. That's legal. You could do that. I mean, I've, I've, I've got a Greek wife. I was an Alaska kid.

You should be able to marry people in every church, right? Every culture. Yeah. Yeah. Every race. Every race. Yeah. Wait, wait a second.

Hold on. Square. Getting down here. Squarespace dropped from the Atlas, Dave. They're out. Thanks, Steve. Yeah. out. Thanks, Steve. Yeah. Well, I was expected. We knew this was going to happen with this guy. Wow. OK.

Boston professor draws a picture of ideal woman. This isn't going to go well, because it's 1912, so this is going to be really bad. I I can't wait to see. Just steps. I can't wait. I'm gonna let you cook to Find out what it is Boston. I'm thinking big How far off do you think this guy's description will be from Ben Shapiro's today? I? Think off because I think I feel like Boston is more like doge She's got to have a big ass big tits whereas Ben Shapiro's oh, she's gotta have a big ass, big tits. Whereas Ben Shapiro is just like,

she needs to have a skill, but not like a skill that directly impacts like the way that I am doing business right now. The whole thing is that she needs to be able to demur at the drop of a hat. Ben Shapiro's wife is totally banging other dudes. Have you seen- There's no way. Yeah, have you seen, well, she's got Greeks, she's got,

have you seen Ben Shapiro take his biceps seriously, I feel like I've talked about this before. Oh no, what are you talking about? But Ben Shapiro's got pictures where he's like, look at the guns. What, you have plenty of guns? You kinda jacked? I can see it in the-

It's not jacked, it's not like Crowder had like, like a chest plate put under his skin. Yeah, he's jacked. So it's not like that, but like Ben Shapiro's clearly like, I've been curling 13s 45 times a day for five years. I also want to see, yeah, it's like, I feel like the way he describes or drew a woman back then would not be offensive now.

Like there's like skateboarding t-shirts that are probably more mind- Mudflaps. Yeah, like the old hookups ones would blow people's minds way more. Yeah. Mud, mud flaps and mud flaps. Now we're just like hitter doggy. You're like, should he be working with FedEx?

What? Flaps? I mean, he works out. Yeah. There's all these bicep pictures. And there's like, yeah, he posts a lot of bicep pictures. Why? Got to deal with it.

liberals. Oh my God. Okay. Whatever that was in one's day. Oh, yeah. It's just with liberals. Oh, my God. OK. But that was day. Yeah. But it's just so dumb. The resistance is real. Who? If I was there on January, he's like Mark Wahlberg of January six. I was there on January six.

We would we would not even have that form of government any longer. President Lemuel Merlin of the Boston University described his ideal of beautiful woman. Quote, there are plenty. What? This is a professor. He did this. Yeah. No, this is this is like more.

Not OK. Yeah. This is how this is how you know it's true. Yeah. Because he's a professor. There are plenty of young women in Boston University who come up to my ideal of what constitutes the real type of beauty in womanhood. So fucking crazy.

Yeah. Well, there's a lot of hot young ones here. I'm looking to poke a lot of the women walking the campus. Now here's the drawing. He will instead of rate my professor, he's rate my students. He was like, yeah, Becky in sixth period. Great tits. Yeah. You're just in his class.

Like, this is not philosophy. He's like, and also some of the girls have a butts where you could eat a meal of it. And I like that. Now here's a list of their names. He said also on your report cards will be a grade of your body, face, and then broken down. Ass, legs. I didn't get an A, B, I got an eight.

Yeah, I'd bang you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it gets from one to 10, it gets one to 10. And so I cannot conceive of any woman being considered beautiful who does not possess, first of all, beauty of character or in a word, womanliness. He saves himself a little. It's not good. It's not good. You can tell the room was turning on him.

People like the character. yourself a little. It's not good. It's not good. You can tell the room was turning on him. People are like, character. I meant a beautiful, beautiful character. I like her to be dependent on me. I want to break her soul. Do you understand? Higher education is conducive to beauty with higher education goes physical culture along scientific lines, all contributing to beauty. Scientific lines is a little disturbing thing to say. That's a Robin Thicke song, isn't it?

It's eugenics, yes, yes. It's very, it's all weird. I'm trying to think if I would just rather him go physical and I guess that's probably worse, but still it's not a good one. This right now is the guy who is like, no, I'm a feminist, women, just to get laid. That's what this guy is right now.

Yeah. Yeah, right. I've never seen someone put the correlation between the more education and more attractive you are before. This might be a first. Yeah, I mean, he's a he's a sapio sexual. I think that's what they're called. The first sapio sexual. Yeah.

He's the first sap. People are like, dude, and Boston, he was like, the fuck are you talking about, dude? That's crazy. That's fucking disgusting. Quite frankly, I'm fucking disgusted. A student of character soon learns to find beauty and refinement behind what might be regarded at first by other people as an attractive face.

So he's saying that there's something also beautiful behind the face. That's the crazy thing that he's saying. Right, so he wants a hot head and something in it. There's also that look, they also have a personality and brains and all that shit. So behind the thing, you want to really grab a hold of and just bang. There's also like a part of them that you can like talk to and stuff. She's got to have one of those faces you want to cream on and then also can read. Those are mustard is like 68 with like elbow patches that's a must dude you gotta have

that you got a pipe yeah he's lost everyone in the room you gotta be able to do that that's gotta be big that's big for me yeah the, in the face. Yeah, yeah, behind the face. It's wonderful behind the face. You can have a conversation with your mother not embarrass herself, but also come on. She's got a big eyes. Ears can't be too big. Yeah, let's talk racks With a rack you gotta be able to take a big load on the tits and then start talking about play-doh And then he hits the pipe. So dignified. He flips the board over and it's just pictures of boobs.

Well, nevermind. We'll go on this side. We'll stick to this side. Chill everybody. Hey, let's be honest. If you saw that chill. He has a, he has a, he has a mathematical equation to get someone's attractiveness. You know, tits over ass plus not speaking. That's a quotient.

That's a quotient. Dude, Pythagoras fucked. Pythagoras never talked about tits. What are you doing? Dude, what are you doing, dude? Get your fucking head together. He's at a wet lunch. Oh, wet lunch.

I miss my dad. Yeah, we all do. Stole socks from preacher who was baptizing convert. Wow, pro. I don't know. This is out of Youngstown, Ohio. I think you can. Why not?

You can do it. I like the guy getting baptized. It's like, I'm going to get soaking. Nah, it's just a little bucket. When the divorce case of a Lorna Williams against David Williams came up for trial, she convulsed the court when she testified that her husband, who was a janitor at the First Baptist Church, returned home one night excited. "'Look here,' she testified, he said as he raised his trouser leg, "'This is one of the

Reverend C.H. Pendleton silk stocks which I stole while he was baptizing a convert. Yeah, I got holy socks, baby. We all think our lives are going pretty bad. But the guy who's stoked off of stealing Reverend's socks. And doesn't even like doesn't go like here they are. He's like, let me shake it out like an accidental turd. You wore him out of the store. Yeah.

Like it's really not that big of a caper. Take them home, wash them. He was like, no, don't worry. His socks there. Yeah. He must've left his socks at the scene. Yeah. He temple of doomed them or Raiders of the Lost Ark. Temple of doomed him.

Come on, man. Oh, don't even. Yeah. Get it right. The charge she made against her husband is failure to provide. Not socks, baby. Holy socks. He is providing. She wrote she ratted on him.

Yeah, it's not. You know, yeah. Well, she's got a divorce. So it's rat rat rat time. Oh, OK. Let it go. Hmm. Strange. So far, not knows there's not been a story. OK, no, no, no.

This is just the citizen app on your phone that people think is the Associated Press or whatever the thing is. It really and even on citizen app, I'd be like, it's not much happening today. If he doesn't have a machete, is it really a story on? Yeah, if it's not like a bear's eating garbage. That's the next story for sure in Alaska. Yeah, right, yeah. Okay, there's two, okay.

This is two separate stories. So the first one, so this woman's name, her first name is O-I. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi-sen under arrest! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! and afterwards shipped his remains to Portland. Well, so that's how you get rid of it. I think maybe can them up. Well, he how else would you ship the body? Man, I'm hoping she's canning him or just or just put it in a box.

Yeah, I would think it's more that. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of cans, but canning canning him would be amazing. Yeah, you just be like, Jesus Christ. You could get someone into like, 800 cans. It's 800 cans. No, you're talking little cans, but you get a gallon can. You could put a lot of guy in there.

I love that too. This tuna's garbage. She's like searching for curd jars. She's like, do you have one that's like, I don't know, 400 gallons, maybe a gallon jar, like a human jar. What do you have one that's like, I don't know, 400 gallons, maybe a human jar. What do you have? What do you have? Do you have a big, what do you guys have for like,

something you think is just not cool? Like what is, do you have a? Do you want a not cool size? Do you have any gator jars? We got a jar you can put a whole, You have a man jar? Yeah, I was gonna say, I mean, it's a man sized jar. we have them for like bachelor parties and stuff when you pop out of the can or jar or whatever.

Happy birthday, Doug. Oh my God, you're gonna be a woman in a jar? She's like, I want to, I want to, you know, jar some carrots. Like how much? She's like six one, about two tenths. I'm trying to think. How many carrots is in like a 6'1 man? You know what I mean?

Are you guys doing man measurements? Are you metric? What are you? It's like a blended fellow or like a... Look at a man. But you blend them or what are you doing with them? Is it a soupy gentleman sort of situation? No, he's boned. Boned? Okay. Imagine if carrots had bones. What are you doing with eyes? He is it a soupy gentleman sort of situation?

Bone, okay, okay carrots had bones. Yeah, that's gonna be a little more. I mean if you can Blend up whatever we're shipping My we might save you some money there. I'm oy It's several times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got that. Okay.

And then next to it, like a little ways over on the front page, Oye Sen confesses. Oh, shit. And this is from Portland three days later or two days later. So Portland was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys got a manjar. Yeah. That's not OK. Oisen, the Chinese girl arrested in connection

with the Seattle trunk mystery, confessed to the murder of Bong and pleaded that her jewels be returned to her. She begged that the lawyers be not allowed to hold them. This is absolutely. There's a lot of crazy shit. What's crazy also is for them to be like, set up punch next to each other. Yeah.

Well, like it's not even right next to each other a little ways away from each other. Maybe they do it. Maybe they did these comms by date because the, the news has to get to Alaska. So it's quite taking a little while. Right. But still, you'd think someone would be like, we don't need that. Either way, crazy asked to be like, just get the jewels back. It's like, oh, you are not in a position of power right now. Get the goddamn jewels.

I need I need the jewels. I got to get the jewels. You jarred a guy. You know how like we have older names like Gerald and Elda. And you know how when people like what like if they say a race name about Chinese person, they would say bong and ping. But I've never met a guy like that. Do you think that's what their names were? Maybe they had that's their version of like Elmer back then.

And there's like bong around. Bong. And then there was one guy. One guy just smoked so much weed, they're like, buddy, we're naming this fucking thing after you. It's crazy. No! No, I wanted the human-sized jar named after me! I smoked him.

From what? Okay. So she got caught. Yeah. And confessed. I smoked him. From what? Okay. So she got caught. Yeah. And confessed. She did.

I guess it wasn't a great plan. No, it doesn't seem. Well, it's, it's, you know, why, why ship a guy just, you know, there's other ways to do it, especially if you're killing them in Montana, just drag them out for the bears. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely a move you do after you smoke a lot of bong. Yeah.

You hit the ball and you're like, I'll mail them. Yeah. I got an idea. And then the anxiety. Paralyzing anxiety. You feel like, I shouldn't have mailed that guy. That's crazy. But then you sleep. You sleep good after that.

Yeah. I don't think I would be like, oh fuck. I should take another. I had a dream once that I cut off Christopher Watkins head and threw it in a river. And I mean. That's just called the Highlander dream. That's fine. Yeah. It's a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial now.

The stress I was dealing with in the dream. You know those dreams where you wake up and you're like, about to roll over. You're like, man, I can't believe I fucking killed Chris Walken. And then you're like, wait, oh, wait. Oh, thank God. Yeah. I think I could live my life again. I could live a regular life because of the whole dream. I was like, like his head washed up on shore and they're like, who did this? I was like, I had those shapes when I was in college. Danny Manning was going to be the number one draft pick in the NBA. And I dreamt that the Warriors drafted him.

And I came out in like the next day to my roommates. And I was just like, you guys, it's so fucking amazing. We got Manning. And they're like, what? And I'm like, we got Danny Manning. And I was fully convinced that we had drafted Danny Manning. And it was all a dream. That's fucking great. Isn't that amazing? Like I was just 100% on board that we had we had drafted.

I had I must have the most detailed dream about. A draft. A draft. They're like, dude, what? Oh, puts pool ball in his mouth, loses five teeth on bet. the the Philadelphia. Yeah. OK. Robert Wilson made a bet with several companies today that he had the largest mouth of any person in the crowd. And to prove his assertion, thrust a pool ball between his jaws. It's actually funny because Burns, the same guy we're talking about.

I remember one time he's like, I can fit my fist in my mouth. And I was like, what? He's like, I can. I was like, do it. And he was like, oh, he was like, all put out. I was like, oh, I was like, what? He was like, I can't. I was like, do it. And he was like, ugh. He was like, I'll put out. I was like, are you fucking kidding? And then he did. I was like, ugh. Maybe it's a Philly thing.

Is this one handwritten? He cited Alex Byrd. His whole family has this thing where they think they can fit things in their mouths. There's a lineage of the burns. We have jaw dysmorphia, Alexander. I swear to God, I can do a bowling ball. I'll put a basketball in my mouth.

Jesus Christ, he's dead. He won the wager, but lost several teeth for the ivory. I.E. lost the wager but lost several teeth for the ivory. He lost the wager. Well, no, he won it because the ball fit in. I told you guys I was winning this really easy! You're playing burns! Where's the after party? Where are we going to drink right now?

I got a little bit of money in my pocket. Where are we going to party? Yes, I am burns. How did you know? I got a little bit of money burning in the hole in my budget. We were going out to Ponsse. Yes I am Burns, how did you know? I have to, how did you know? That's right. Ladies, the line is to suck my dick for us to the right. My blood, it seals blood all around his mouth. That's right.

Fellas to the lift for haircuts and women get to ride for the blood jobs. Blood jobs. The blood jobs. Oh. He won the wager, but lost several teeth for the ivory ball fitted the mouth so well that it took two hours work on the part of the physicians

at the children's hospital to remove it. Oh my God. This was accomplished only when the pain from his distended jobs became so great that it was determined to sacrifice five front teeth. Oh my God. I don't know. Oh my God. They pulled his fucking teeth in the ball.

I don't know if details have ever made anything so much more traumatic. This is so Philadelphia. It was like funny. I like figured he like it hurt like the the fact that the jaw was like, I I'm giving up. Yeah. If your jaw hurting so bad, you'd rip out your own fucking teeth. Oh, okay. it's like Rocky. What's he saying? Go. He said he wants to try the eight ball.

He said, now's even get the eight ball and it treat him like one of those billiard tables that has those little pockets. Well, there's no way they could understand them, right? I mean, there's no way they could understand him, right? I mean, there's no way he could say the check in. All right. What what brings you to the hospital? The. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Could you, sir?

Oh, could you take the egg out of your mouth? Oh, we will discuss. All right. And what are the side effects? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. We'll discuss. All right. What are the side effects? Ah. Ah ha. Ah ha. Ah ha. Do you have a primary? Just fill out this paperwork.

It's six pages, double-sided. Ah ha. You have insurance? Ah ha. Ah ha. Is it an arm thing? What's going on? I think he's having a bit of a stroke.

I love that he went to a children's hospital because he probably was probably the only place where like, I mean, that's the only place they've dealt with something like this. Yeah. So you normally get transferred to like a Cedars Cancer Institute. He's at a normal hospital

and he gets transferred to like a children's hospital. He's just like sitting next to a kid that has a fire engine in his mouth. Another kid that just has like engine in his mouth, another kid that just has like a bunch of... He's got a crown on his nose. So how did you make this here? Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I just tried to put a bunch of Legos up my ass. I did have to go to the hospital, the children's hospital when I was a kid because there was a game where there was a game where it was like little ant things, plastic ant things. I don't know what you did with them. But my sister and her friend were like, I dare you to put that up your nose. And I was like four or something or five. And so I did it. And then it wouldn't come out because I shoved it up there.

So far, so I'd go to the. Oh, I knew a kid with a bad. Anthony, I knew a kid put a battery in his nose, never told anybody had disintegrated, melted his brain. He's fucking. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Stop it.

You put a battery in here. He was too embarrassed to tell his mom. And you know, when a battery gets wet, starts getting that corrosion at the ends. Yeah, I corroded in there and it fucked up his whole head and he was never the same. I mean, he's actually worse than he's worse than never the same. He's not right. Has anyone changed the battery? No, we kept it up there. He seemed to like

The doctor takes it out The flashlight I gotta He just sneezes tell him to sneeze You got a hair in the drain how old was he last girl He's a child child. He's actually one of my cousins my cousin's cousin like a cousin This is the craziest story. I can't believe you talked my No, no, I would think you would be doing well a bit. I gotta say, maybe there wasn't a good outlook for him in the first place.

No, you know, I mean, a lot of we've just like the Burnses with balls, the Furies do put things in our noses. And he's the only tourist. The four times Steve with total seriousness is like, he's not doing great. He's deterior times Steve with total seriousness. He's not doing great. He's deteriorated greatly. I'm worried you hear this, but I don't have to worry. I don't think he's gotten the energy. No, he doesn't have to work a podcast. How old is he now?

Eight or nine. You okay? Oh, he's a kid kid still. Yeah. Did you fall? How did they find the battery? Kid was like having problems like serious problems. He said his head was hurt when the doctor and it was already up there. And it already like, Oh my god. Yes.

Wow. Can we get him on the show? I mean, I mean, yeah. There's so many jokes I have right now that I'm absolutely not going to say. Yeah, yeah. Hey, David, I don't know if you heard from Steve. He's not doing great. Yeah. The embarrassment to not, I think I'll just change my brain.

I don't want to bother anyone. I feel bad for the guy. Okay. Oh yeah, we all do. This is out of Kansas. Groom kidnapped by the bride's jealous rivals. Jealous rivals of the girl... Bride groom rivals? Are there any rivals you want to say anything to? I'm jealous rivals of the girl rival bride room rivals Are there any rivals who want to send me?

rival If anyone has an objection, please stand up you see like six people leather jacket Christ all the rivals I'll go first She owes me a bounty I've been competing with her my whole life me a bounty I've been competing with her my whole life can I just say she ain't shit all right not rivals anyone who's not a rival the rivals table everyone else is a curly mustache or a gun hey Frank tell us why you think she shit I thought she was my friend now go on

that's you know the other table I thought I'd be a bigger table. I have the photographer table. I actually just know the photographer. They said he could bring somebody. I ordered steak. You'll have salmon. Dude, well, this only digs the cut deeper. jealous rivals of the girl he married kidnapped JB Steinrod from his bride for a few hours here and finally tied him to a telephone pole where he was kept prisoner for more than an

hour what in the name what he had on no overcoat and the free and the temperature was below freezing what what rival doesn't have an overcoat on no he is He's the husband yeah, he's not a rival all right the rivals took it like the rivals There should be honestly the way we're this story so far there really should be jealous rivals at every wedding because it makes it So much more exciting the best you you get more out of a story if there's conflict and drama and someone to bounce stuff off of. Yeah, you have the brides, you have the, you have the groomsmen, you have the bridal party, and then you just have like the rivals standing there just like. Yeah.

All right, it's time for the best rival to speak. I love you talking to your family, so I want to thank the grooms family for being here. You guys are going to cover the rear. The quiet side. You guys look great. You're going to get west, north. And we're going to have the stock. Keep in mind, these rivals love to swing in on chandeliers, so keep your eyes peeled.

And I need to reiterate, no knives! No knives, yeah. This is all guns, baby. Has anyone seen my husband? Oh, God. Oh, he's tied to a rope. Oh, it's all good. It's all guns, baby. So anyone see my husband? Oh, God.

I was tied to a week. God, the right time to a poll. Rivals. OK, this is the best he on. He had on no overcoat and the temperature was freezing. Steinrod had been married only a short time to Miss Aida Smith, a young widow. Wow.

Did he die? This is, I don't know. No, she had already lost. She was already, she had already had. Rival's already like, she's like, my last husband, they threw in ice water. Not again, Gabe. The girls caught him soon after the ceremony

and after tying him to a pole, slapped his face, kicked his shins and otherwise maltreated him. Wow. Steinrod went to before a justice of the peace and swore out warrants for all those in the crowd he had recognized. Wow. Wow. That is fucking so crazy.

Well, if they do, he's like, you kicked my shins, like prove it. She's got like steel toe platform or like stiletto. You why did you lump everyone from the wedding in a crowd? We're not very good at this. Puts cold feet on a wife's back and she is suing for divorce. There has not been one normal legal proceeding. This is what newspapers are for. What?

It's exactly what we need. I'm suing you. Yeah, you know the people, they always like pretend the past was better. Seems like the past might. If this was all the problems people have, I think we need to take it back. We need to make America great again. Yeah. the This story is out of Pittsburgh. Because the fires were out one cold night in 1906, when John Welfar, a wealthy wholesale grocery, returned home, his wife declares he put his cold feet

on her back to get warm. Now she is the respondent in a divorce on trial, and the charges are cruel and barbarous treatment and indignities. So she brought that up in the divorce. I. So she brought that up in the divorce. I mean, she brought it up with the divorce. I know we're just three dudes, but come on. Come on.

I feel like I mean, that happens. That's part of the game of being a couple. You're trying to like take the other one cold, put your fingers up their butt when they're walking in front of all that stuff. That's part of the thing Yeah, okay Where I was fine. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think anyone's on her side sadly for being Pretty liberal. I don't think anyone's on this woman's side. Oh

That's why I've always said not all women yeah That's why I started that hashtag and everyone piled on. This is what I meant. This is what I was talking about. He's in seven, eight women. Hey, remember when Jay Leno took that fall and half his face was a bruise? That's a non sequitur. What was that about?

That was fine. It was just it was only like six months after he got his face hurt before. So it's all normal. He's not in any sort of situation where he has to pay debts and he's not paying him or you know, not fulfilling some sort of- What are you talking about? He's not illegally gambling and caught up in a ring. It's just like Bill Cosby's son died even though there was no better going on you with this

Wasn't a hit. What are you talking about? I mean, I think you could be right. I think it makes sense. I also want to Jay Leno was being muscle and then you feed them you meet them and it's just the biggest face you have to punch We are our backs hurt our backs are in great pain. You cannot work the chin. Come on. Try again. Why don't you guys keep going on. I don't care how much money you owe you. Keep going. It's like it's like Rocky pounding a stake inside of that warehouse. I was out in the middle of nowhere doing that. I was out in the middle no way doing that something like Tyson. I was in the middle of nowhere doing doing that At a hotel plate, and then I fell down the path. It's a bunch of times It's not I can't believe that it's not on the up-and-up. It's not on the up-and-up. It's not

On your face, and that's great It's not yeah, I'm in the minority There's something weird there, there's something something weird going on for sure he was like Cars, wouldn't he just be like take the bottle tea. I'm sorry Yeah, well who knows what he's involved in he's he's up and something happened that's not good And he's getting he's gotten the shit kicked out of him twice now leave the chin alone work right I No, leave the chin alone. Work right. I all the ditty parties.

Yeah, that's right. Well, I don't think I was supposed to have this cocktail. I don't remember anything. Jesus Christ, Jay, you can I have the prize. All right. Yeah. All right. Let's go. If it is a hip hip hop and it don't stop the boogie

and the jam of the boogie and up up the boogie with the boogie with the book and the beat. Come on. All right. That's crazy. That's a guy who got kicked in the face. Yeah, you got beat up. That's what it looks like when you get kicked in the face. That foot. Ow.

Yeah. They put a pool ball in my mouth and I chewed it like it was some gum. I was walking around outside at Motel Six and I fell down and just dragged my face on the floor. Could be prostitutes. That might make more sense because he was like, it could be prostitutes. He is a sexual. He is a total like I knew in the, in the early nineties, mid nineties, a

guy who went to his house for dinner. It was like a, like four or five couples fancy dinner. And his entire back wall was a television screen. And he just had porn playing on it the whole night with just everyone eating and stuff. So he's not a normal gentleman. Are you serious? Yeah. No, I can't tell. I don't know Dave enough. I'm completely serious. I'm completely serious Was he cuz I never even heard of his wife was he ever made gentlemen? Yeah, we need to start a new podcast This is this honestly the Leno pitches is too good His wife was his wife was very active in like helping the women from the Taliban. So who knows could be the Taliban This this.

If Taliban hates porn also, come on, put it together. Two plus. But I told you on the left, new Rogan work with me. Yeah, this is getting real Rogany. This is getting real. Dare I say Rogan's's argument's more informed. Dave's just like, how about another keyword? Taliban? What do we feel about the Taliban? They might be involved.

I don't know how deep this goes. Is it Taliban? He just has a dart at a wall with different words on it. Yeah, he's just playing catch-up. And Taliban? What do you think about that? How do you think he got to Tonight Show? Over, over, David? Just like listening to someone explain to me what's on the back of the $20 bill. How do you think he got the tonight show you over over?

Just like explain to me what's on the back of the $20 bill Nobody's talking about Letterman like he's not fucking involved in this like he isn't working within this fucking crew trying to take out leto But if this is like you know bruises on his face are Letterman sized shoes Oh my God. It's like how the Cold War never stopped. The Tonight Show war never really stopped. They never they never. Right. Oh, Dave and Jay, they're still going.

Yeah. And the Taliban. By the way, Dave beat him in the ratings. But the Taliban got dragged into that fucking war. Osama bin Leno. Think about it. I'm just in a cave. It's a cave. I'll tell you what, it's pretty good here. I'll tell you what, this cave rocks.

And the thing that I can always grab one of them. Wow. That's our best. That is our best non sequitur on. I can't believe there's a world where I almost didn't mention that. We just had nine minutes of talking about how J Leno's in the pocket of the Taliban and they kicked him in the face No, he's against the Taliban Letterman's working with the Taliban Stick with us

Okay, it's out of Pittsburgh. Becomes a Caruso by crying, Coal. For ten years, Diomede Ventresco, a peddler, has been wandering the streets crying, Coal, Coal. Now he has a voice almost as fine as Kuroso's, the experts say. They attribute it to the simple regular outdoor training to which the unrealized fuel vendor subjects his vocal organs. So this guy sang Cole so much that he's great.

This is like an America's Got Talent intro. Yeah, it's just he's just working on his vocal cords. But it's only one word. Yeah, America's Got Talent intro. Yeah. It's just, he's just working on his vocal chords. But it's only one word. Yeah. That's going to be an issue. He is the best in the business. There is one thing I should tell you before you hire him. He's only good at singing Cole. The way Cole works.

So. So. So he. It's pretty easy to understand the parameters. Like he's good with song. Now. No, no, no, no, no, no. By the way, very helpful if we can get one of those. But if there are words outside of Cole, if there are lyrics that aren't the word Cole, there's a lot most.

I mean, almost all going to be that's not going to be great. So maybe pair them with someone who does the other words because Cole, he's the best in the business of Cole. He is the best in the business of Cole. If we find every other word in the English language, then we can mix them together. Yeah, again, I think that guy might not fill in all the holes you're thinking. I mean, this guy is purely coal. He's coal only. And I'll tell you the other part. He will not learn another word.

That's not seeing inside. And by the way, he's an outdoor only coal guy. So, oh, my God, this is really not going to be good for too many fences around this project. But it's outdoor only and coal. And and after he takes coal, he needs to be paid. Yeah, go ahead. The production is La Mis.

Yes, yes. Which I believe after we went through it, we couldn't find one call in there. Yeah, it's not in there. Yeah. I was suggesting, this was my thing, La Mis in West Virginia. Could be great.

We think that'd be really good. Again, do it out, you have to do it outside. We cannot stress enough that he will, you're not even gonna get him inside for an audition. Could be great. We think that'd be really good again. Do it out. You have to do it outside Just enough that he will you know, we got it side for an audition. Thank none of our productions are outside So that's gonna be a big problem Well, I'll tell you what I don't know if this one will work for two reasons The first is a lot sounds like it's all inside which is a huge problem The second is I don't even think you have the word he'll sing which is which is big. No, not at the show, no, it's let me in. I just had an idea.

What if you changed every word to Cole and you did it outside? Yeah, no, that's not gonna, I mean, it sounds like just the worst idea I've ever heard. Felt better, yeah. Honestly. Yeah, well, there you go. Okay, well, keep us in mind if you have any musicals that are only Cole or have Cole in it and This is coal, it's outside. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I've already got a bunch of stuff cranking.

I'll put together a PDF, get that over to you guys. Yeah, it's 19 or 12, so there's no PDFs. Yeah, big time, big time, buddy. Okay. I rep dogs. Yeah, that's a good one. You guys are reping the dog. Yeah.

Or work. And he will not work with the coal guy. By the by. Ventrisco's coal, Ventrisco's voice was discovered when he was committed to the county jail on a charge of disorderly conduct. Warden Lewis was training his prison choir for Christmas, and the peddler was asked to join. Scarcely had he run the scale when the warden dashed to the phone and summoned Professor Landon and other singing instructors.

They listened to the coal man's voice with open-eyed wonder. Quote, He'll be in Grand Opera in two years with proper culture, they chorused. He will be tried out first in Vaudeville. Well, uh... What just happened? It's like when they say, like, wasn't like Whitney Houston or something discovered at like a gas station? Is that true?

What? I think it's not That you didn't hang in there for super long Steve, I'm not gonna lie to you She was right next to boiled peanuts just singing away She's a guest. She's one of the classic I think it was someone I swear to God you do think it was somewhere. Yeah, someone was Are you saying it might not have been Whitney but someone was discovered Gaston I'll look at Tony Brack that's pretty close Tony Brack was it? Yeah. Yeah, there's Tony Braxton. That's pretty close. Tony Braxton. Was it? Yeah.

It was Tony Braxton. Crazy. What was she singing? She was a, she went to Bowie State University to get a teaching degree. She decided to sing professionally after she was discovered by William E. Padaway Jr. who heard her singing at, while pumping gas.

Yeah, I knew someone. Now you're right. It's right here. That is great. By the way, every other time though, I'd be at the gas station, if like other people would be like, stop. Like if I heard that, I'd be like, stop it. I wouldn't be like great voice.

I'd be like, we get it, you're needy. It's like when you would go to karaoke in LA and you'd be like, why are you here? Yeah, they're so good. People would be like, I didn't get hugged as a kid. Now I'm gonna sing nine songs tonight and ruin everything. The LA karaoke is they're pretty good though. I know that's what that's what that's not what it's meant.

Like, it's just not meant to be a place for like the people who would like go to LA karaoke and do like nine songs a night. And then they were like, this is everything and they'd be alone and you'd be like, this is sad. Yeah. I'll tell you though, after, I bet you after Braxton got discovered at a gas station, those 76s all over the country were.

Just awful. Just awful. Just awful. Just awful. Just awful. Just an opera singer and shell just banging them out. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal.

Gasoline. Coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal. Petrol. Here's some, there's just a bunch of little stories here. Samuel Best is a retired fire department captain, saw a fire across the street from his home and dropped dead from excitement. That's the pre-ejaculation of fire. That is just read it one more time, just because that is the perfect headline. Samuel Best, 78, a retired fire department, Captain,

Captain saw a fire across the street from his home and dropped dead from excitement. This guy was retired. So he was like in his head, he was like, someday maybe they'll need me again. And then it's like across the street and his body can't contain himself. Go! And he dies. Oh, it's happening!

Ah! I feel like that's the guy. That's the type of guy who's like the nowaday guy who's like lives in Texas goes to the gun range 10 times a day. Yeah, he's had a pistol on him all the time. Something that happens. Gun jams. He got shot in the fucking head. We're not even good gems. He just sits like they're like, yeah, he's out there Too real, too real, too real. Although two physicians have declared an operation on his skull would make Charlie White, 12, into a good boy, his mother refuses to permit the surgeons to work because she believes

in original sin. Wow. to work because she believes in original sin. Wow. Okay, so first of all, she's wrong about the original sin, but right about the surgery. So he's not going to be fixed. 1912 skull pitching. Oh, not good. All you want to do is get in your son's brain and take the battery out of him. We got to get in there.

So he's a problem, right? He's always causing trouble and stuff. and When we open it up, it's gonna be like a big pink thing. Half the brain has to go, man. There'll be some little black parts. He's full of evil. And the little black parts we'll just take out. We're gonna take out all the gray. Do you understand? I love the mom, dude. You're not doing that to my son.

Thanks mom. Wad wanted him to be this bad and dumb and stupid. Wait a minute. God created a moron. Look, as much as I trust what you guys would do inside of my kid's skull, it's just not part of my religion. Man, what if we get in there and we find God? Ugh, I crack him like an egg.

Let's go. Sorry, Trevor. You're scrambled now, honey. Well, ma'am, I'm not going to lie, we got in there and we completely lost. The communication was. It's over that kid. It's done. The boys, we took out so much. It was like Garfield tried to sneak a piece of cake

and then in order to even it out and squish it together, he has to take more cake and then he eats the whole cake. Yeah. That with your boy's brain. But as an added feature we put a cue ball in his mouth. Look at that huh? He's like a pig on a platter. Had to take all the tea got.

Look at that he's rattling around. He'll give you a fortune watch watch this. Check this out. Check back later. This kid, I swear. I swear. A needle was removed from the right hip of Miss Fred Willis. It entered her thumb 22 years ago. What the fuck? Oswald did it. This is.

This is real. This is how anatomy works. You push a pin in your thumb. Takes about 20 years, gets down to your hip. You leave it in there 44 years coming out your toe. Science. No science. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's printed. So it happened. This whole this whole quick grab your section is a little the first one I want. I was I like the corner like going like through the body be like, what got him? Like he was so excited for the fire. His heart blew up. And now we're talking about a needle going to a hip he's just smoking a cigarette hey

how about uh a guy kept pulling a vine until he found tarzan i don't know but this is a crazy part of the paper a guy taught himself to read with an eye chart. I don't know. Is there anything there? I don't know. A guy licked so many stamps that he got hired by the post office. I literally like, I am done. I can't even.

You know what I mean? A woman bought a human jar. She. Yeah, I'm going to bed. This is I'll I'll do it. So I'll do it. And Rico Caruso shot dead in Latoska fell on the stage so hard he bumped his nose and when the blood began to flow, the dead man began to moan loudly and then the curtain fell.

Well It's not my best. That sounds like a kid making it up. What happened to him? I fell and then his head got hit so hard and then the blood came out and then it did. I love that he's dead and moaning. It's like, yeah, he's dead. He got his money.

It's like the coroner. The court is like, no, he's dead. The guy's moaning. Put the curtain down. I'm not. There's a little more. Uh, out of 400 men and women taking his course in phrenology, Dr. Julius von Berdauer has promised to pick three couples

who will be ideally mated. He will pick the affinities by the bumps on their heads. So you'll be fucking Kathy. Just the guy feeling ahead. I think I actually should bang Alice. Am I crazy? I'm feeling my own head in. Perfect. That's very nice.

That's very nice. Oh, he's got a little cue ball right down here. That's cool. I know. What about the people with the hot dog pack? What would someone who does that feel on those guys? The hot dog pack? You've never seen someone with four hot dogs on the back?

Oh, the kind of folds. The hot dog pack. You've never seen someone with like four hot dogs. Oh, they're like the the the kind of like folds. Yeah, yeah, the full. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Four hot dogs. I was like, it's just the craziest way to describe it. Like a pack of hot dogs. He did do it shorthand. He was like, you know, hot dog neckers.

Yeah, hot dog. Everyone's got hot dog neck guys. You know, hot dog neckers. They're not like,. Hot dog neck guys. You know, hot dog neckers. You know, a ball game head. In 1912, I think that's a more recent thing. I guess we had like but like when you look at like morbidly obese back then, they were like, he's 300 pounds. I don't know if that price like 200.

Yeah. So they probably didn't have the hot dog neckers back then. Yeah, you're right. They were probably. the the most fuckable person you've ever seen in your life. Unless you like lumpy. Unless you like a lumpy ass. Oh, I love a lumpy head. What's the first thing you notice that made you love her? I love a sense of humor and I love a head with a bunch of bumps. This is just you on hinge. I love a big. Yeah. Hey, no, I won't buy dinner. And yes, I want a lumpy melon.

At least two to three knots. Please do not reply. It's just three knots. An out of focus mirror of like picture of me naked like this guy is. I'm looking for a lumpy melon and I won't pay. They keep they keep freezing my account. A five. This story is from Paris. They keep freezing my account. Fuck. This story is from Paris. A messenger boy has been reported to the police.

Oh, sorry. A messenger boy has reported to the police the loss of a tube containing $8,000 worth of radium, which he says burned a hole in his pocket and fell to the sidewalk. Not true. And by the way, that would be radio by Marie Curie. That was this is the time they were using all that radium shit and watches and stuff. Why not? Wouldn't be I mean, OK, but then we're like 10 years away from that kid being like my hip fell off.

Yeah, absolutely. It's going to fall off. Yeah. I don't know if I mentioned Final Jeopardy yesterday was Marie Curie and I got it. Wow. All right. Last one circle. Why? But I don't know if I mentioned Final Jeopardy yesterday was Marie Curie and I got it Wow. All right last one Wiley today, man, okay. Okay. Wives are just as important as cows. I Here's what I find strange

The fact that he's like, let me make a play for the wife. Like he's not going like cows are awesome. He's like, wives also have value. Yeah, that was a good point. Yeah, hold on. Hear me out. Now you can't milk them. But you can really get in there if you know what I'm talking about, gentlemen. What if I told you God invented a cow you could fuck and it's called a wife?

I have a question, sir. No, we're not doing those. I can fuck my cow. No, all right. That's why we don't do these. Not a question and nobody wanted to hear it. And she don't put her hot feet, wet cold feet on my back. Or hot wet feet.

What is going on? I got a real hot dog head. This crowd is. Am I being canceled? I got my brain, what is so cold that it came out hot and wet. Wet. By the way, you do you are allowed to sue someone if they're like, you like that clammy feet. You like that clammy feet? Your wives are just as important as your cows and should have as good care said Dr. Harvey

Wiley, chief chemist of the Department of Agriculture to members of the Vermont Dairymen's Association here. A bathtub with hot and cold water in the house is just as important as a silo in the barn Did I love it? He was just like this Devon was like this guy's fucking crazy And that is that it is that all that's it he made two points He's like yeah two bangers you got a bath. Let me out a bath is nice and a wife will do Yeah, get yourself a wife get yourself a cow get yourself a bath bang you're done And the baby got everything covered you got outdoor fucking covered got indoor fucking covered

I think you can get clean the paper giving this guy any space in the paper is like, it's like when someone films a crazy person in public and yeah, yeah, if they exist, leave them. Yeah. Well, this is a tweet. Like, yeah, this is like a Ben Shapiro tweet. Sometimes that'll happen. We argue with someone on Twitter and then you'll like go to their profile. You're like, this person has been making points for eight years and gotten no likes no none Like what nobody's liking anything and they're still like step side shouldn't be eight sided This is crazy this is message in a bottle

Well Steve thank you for joining us is your mother gonna listen to this? Um, probably. Yeah, she's a dude. Is she still in the phrenology? Yeah, no, she's lumpy as hell. I've been trying to shave him off. I tried putting a battery up in her nose, apparently that added another lump. She's lumpy as hell and I tried shaving him off. Steve, wrong approach. Well, thank you. Scuba Steve Fury, truly one of the fucking funniest dudes ever.

Yeah, that was so fun. Thank you both. I really, really, really appreciate it. Thank you for joining us, Steve. Yeah, awesome. And I love you. Love you guys, bye. Marry the show.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say I love you. Love you. Thank you so much. Some of these days, you'll miss me honey. Some of these days.