The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 111 - The Emu War (Live in Australia)

Episode Date: September 2, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds with guest Lindsay Webb examine the Emu War. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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thank you for understanding sir he gets it oh there we go that ended the Gary chant real fast I was like they got shot with a trinket dart or something they all Dave how you doing you're not acclimating while it feels like I had just about an hour ago I realized that might be a jet lagged I took like a little nap because we got into this morning I took a little nap at the hotel and I woke up and I literally had no fucking idea where I was for like a minute and I was like you'll get this piece it together brother you got this use your clues you guys seem hot it's hot I'm gonna fuck up every single name

in your goddamn country just so you know there's one story I'm gonna read and this tour that has like a thousand names in it's just gonna be a fucking nightmare don't worry though it's not about brisplane just you people you pee be yellow eyes Wimbledon but it's a great town by the way what a fun Wimbledon but it has some great people salt of the earth ladies and gentlemen welcome to the dollop this is our first time in Brisbane it's nice to be here it's actually a nice place everyone else talk shit about you and the rest of the country what's their

problem yeah what the fuck you're not stupid I don't even know what they say I can't remember I don't know if that's it but it's always nice to hear you're not stupid no you guys aren't dumb come on ladies and gentlemen I'd like to bring out our guests tonight's guest is a hometown favorite ladies and gentlemen Lindsay when you can just look at that monitor up there we've been watching ourselves on the telly yeah it's a fun watch yeah it's cool I'm excited is that all yeah that's the end of it but it went really good you were money that was awesome thank you guys really in 1950

right into it yep shout into it after World War one the Australian government at a difficult time finding employment for soldiers returning home okay starting in 1915 they started a soldier settlement scheme in every state so they were trying to they call it a scheme that's a red flag it was in quotes when I found it so couldn't this be a program yeah yeah no no no it's a pyramid plan trust it gets so fucked at the end of this great scheme I mean plan I mean plan sorry I keep calling a scheme sorry I keep calling a scheme like a crook we originally going to call it a shit house didn't think anyone at

sign up for that not a lot of people signed up for the shit house so they started giving soldiers land so they could start farming because they couldn't find jobs anywhere else but the time was does sound great they'd given 5,030 veterans a plot of land which they were to farm that's nice and crops needed for wheat and then they needed sheep wait by September 1920 the government began to run out of land to give it to them and started looking to some rather remote not so great areas near Perth is your mom so I'm sure a lot of your buddies are saying they got a great plot of land and they did anyway how about this swamp you

feel like you and the wife can maybe make a home out here how do you feel they're all going there's no swamps near Perth that's just otherwise that was pretty good yeah than that if the reality cop wasn't here busting me but right now they're all like this is gonna be a long night I've done my homework there's swamps there's a swamp there's a swamp I'm actually building one to validate this moment and really has anyone been to Perth what does that yell out if you've been to Perth see that many they get caught up in the swamp can't get back there's a bunch more like go to the

show without us it's too deep and real and in Perth and in Perth for sure learning how to farm on a decent plot of land is very difficult but doing it on crappy land is much more difficult and then the Great Depression hit in 1929 and wheat prices collapsed what about sheep sheep prices shot through the fucking roof you want to buy sheep now sell your wheat I'm telling you sheep are gonna be hot sheep are the new week guys so so we're clear on how to invest on top of the Great Depression there was a giant bird problem that's a problem because of all the week a problem a problem what

defined problem yeah a lot of birds is one thing but a bird problem a giant bird problem so wait they were actually it wasn't it wasn't a huge problem it was giant birds were the issue yes even tastier it's all the week these birds are too big from the weight tens of thousands of emus yeah that's it that's it you've nailed it right that's exactly it right the emu one bit my hand wants remember me in you in you in here here we go at the word yeah no Dave I've got it I just listen it's very I'm from another country hi you know people don't land here knowing how to say

everything you know I'd be your brother in this moment if it weren't for that swamp moment it's called the Swimp in you tens of thousands of years getting very nice had lived on that land and they wanted to keep living there instincts a motherfucker huh until recently emus had been a protected native species but by then they become such a problem for wheat farms because they're eating the crops or just sitting on them and flattening them but in their defense they're fucking birds like we were just talking about how hungry we were that makes a lot of sense oh my god it's also a good bed it's a buffet

it is it's a buffet you can lay in when you're done it's a Shays buffet I thought they had one of those in Vegas and it was a regular buffet more mortifying it was mortifying yeah just there so they were reclassified from the protected species to be vermin they were considered vermin by the opposite of a Cinderella story that's a long way each way isn't it yeah they went to the opposite side yeah you guys are great you fucking piece of shit nobody touch them get them that's my ancestor he's insane it's still not real you know someone'll say it's still not real in the future but they're wrong well that's

just happened by 1932 there are 20,000 emus tearing shit up wow the veterans who were just trying to get by were being ruined so they began killing them what a shit lot for a veteran you've been at war with an enemy you get this block of land back home that's full of fucking enemy you know like a cartoon like they were like enemy heads on the emus at times again on the bluff get him whatever guys I don't I don't if you think I need your validation that was awkward for me you're wrong we don't need you we do this alone in a house with echoes yeah we're no one reacts all right all right all right all right Dave

Dave's still a little spicy from 107 good he's not good no veterans began killing the emus but they just kept coming am I saying it right emus emu yeah that's emu all right yeah it was like they were the Michael Myers of birds I put a little joke in that nice that's adorable yeah I like that you put the little b2b to about doing a little jump yeah there's a second parentheses it's like explain the joke explain the fun Dave do you see I put a little joke in there leave that man alone Dave they put bounties on each beak what just on the beak yep well you didn't want to drag the whole fucking

giant thing over it's a giant bird it's like nine feet tall just cut off the beak and you go here but there could there have potentially been a guy who was just like beak slicing and then other guys that kill emus it'd be like oh no it's gonna buy it now he's beakless are you saying yeah yeah are you saying you think there's a guy out there yeah yeah smart genius a swamp genius to to cut the beaks off of live birds and then set them free I don't know I'm not killing I'm not saying I'm not cutting the beaks off a dead bird I'm not I'm not saying he set them free Dave you're having fun I'm not saying he's doing he

cuts the beak off it doesn't give a fuck he rolls he does the beacon roll he's beacon he's rolling come on buddy I'm with you now and yet the emus kept coming the veterans needed more ammunition so they asked the military for help back on the job yeah this is not retirement they see them putting the camo on the gear what it is a new war they they brought the military in so yes there is a war against emus birds sitting on wheat damn them and damn them to hell so they asked the military to come in and kill

the emus and the military loved the idea because they were like for PR reasons it's gonna look like we're doing something to help us juggling vets well I mean really that seems crazy what do you mean army defeats bird you're like damn right we did you don't fuck with us now the ducks will know yeah take that ducks it wasn't another way that's the best that was the only way or drop a nuke on Perth what about the swamp the swamp will be fine Lindsay the swamp will survive the humans might not the swamp November 2nd 1932 yep I put the second after November thank you thank you every things will also be done in in gallons

and pounds and miles because I'm American that's the attitude you guys have fallen in love with right so along came major GPW Meredith of the 7th heavy battery of the Royal Australian artillery wow that didn't fuck around with reserve they went straight to the fucking big shit general Meredith the fucking job of the base you're remembering it says oh do I he's the one who carried the handbag right general Meredith ma'am sir sorry hello hi Meredith are you ready to get the emus look at my big guns his eye throw candy at them he had come to the district of Campion hey what sure did

someone say sure all right whatever to mow down 50 birds the military approach the birds in formation 50 50 birds and they approach them in formation massive sock puppets got the fucking army gentlemen they're buying into it they're gonna try to meet get ready they're gonna try to meet scouts and slingshots could have done this job the emus said saw them and ran in a mad fucking scramble in every direction fly yeah which made it very difficult to shoot them true and yet the army was victorious in its battle yeah 50 birds yeah the war was not over oh no two days later some

soldiers saw a thousand emus close by and they were like oh shit they're talking they pardon the pun but they're tweeting about this they are this is clear they sat and waited for the birds to come close when they were finally at point blank range they started shooting their weapons 10 emus fell dead yeah and then the machine gun jammed oh you've got a love is 990 left they're angry now those are the 10 friends their 10 friends are dead put your bayonets on gentlemen that is gotta be such a great fucking moment when you're like this is hilariously fun what do you mean a jam sweet god they're

pissed again the emus made a break for it in every direction stick into what worked this battle the army had failed one loss one win one of the recruits said the emus have proved they are not so stupid as they are usually considered to be each mob has a leader always an enormous black pump plump bird standing fully six feet high who keeps watch why his fellows busy themselves with the wheat that's a metaphor for sure you know what they're doing to the wheat yeah I'm suggesting the emus jacked up at the first suspicious sign he gives the signal and dozens of heads stretch out for the crop out of the crop a few birds

will take fright starting a headlong stampede for the scrub the leader always remaining until his followers have reached safety sounds a lot like the Taliban bird Laden if you think about it those nine people are on board so next the army tried to keep the fight mobile by shooting at birds with machine jump guns in the back of trucks how the fuck is this taking so long like one get one gun jammed you're better than that right now into the eye team they were actually emus they're like we weren't emus the whole time yeah that's right I won't get on no plane but it's apparently very hard to be moving in a

truck and try to shoot a quick-moving bird eventually one bird got himself stuck under the truck and caught in the steering equipment or was he a genius bird the truck jerked off its path and plowed into half a length of a farmer's fence round three to the birds wow shocking results report yeah bookies like god damn it I did not see that happening boy from a newspaper on November 8th it was reported that major Marist Party had used 2,500 rounds of ammunition fuck 25% of the allotted total to destroy 200 emus they could have fucking shot down a house a quarter of their ammo 10 bullets in a new South

Wales labor politician inquired whether a medal was to be struck for those taking part in this war what everyone's like get the fuck out of here get out you're done what are you gonna find a bird it sounds like a fucking mind-up story welcome to the dollop his federal counterpart in Western Australia responded that they should rightly go to the emus who have won every round so far no fucking way there is a guy who they want to William Wallace the emus emus hello you fought valiantly you like you to eat then another campaign against the large flightless bird was begun so wait they didn't send someone to negotiate

with the birds look we both have things we want and I think we get that we all love wheat start there you like wheat what about you don't lay in it you know they're not even listening sir so I'd say this time again major Meredith on the 13th of November 1932 began the new battle 40 of the goddamn birds were killed two days later the major was back and he managed to kill pretty much none second 16 years less than 300 birds down this fucking ridiculous I mean the birds are winning a real bad I laugh it in the week major Meredith was not going to give up soon reports were flowing in that a hundred emus were being

killed every week every fucking week well major Meredith took a look at how many bullets were being used and how many birds are being killed and he was our fun realize it took ten bullets to kill one emu yeah he called that yeah listen back historian math guy over there we brought him in for the math so they could just take a bunch of bullets and keep going it just wouldn't take one bullet to take an emu so they are hitting them it's just that they're gigantic bird yeah they're psychotic they all are Michael Myers yeah not the unherald not the Austin Powers one the awesome powers one okay yeah baby makes

me stronger baby oh god it's time shoot it yeah it's they're all doing awesome powers of pressure get them now kill them every single one of them's doing boron kill them all get them all now fuck that once you want to think with its pinky from the Sun Herald July 5th 1953 if we had a military division with the bullet carrying capacity of these birds it would face any army in the world wow they can face machine guns with the infill and infill their ability of tanks birds they can't be stopped shows you where they were at like seriously the

problem is you can only carry one soldier per emu you can put heaps of soldiers in a tank yeah that is true has anybody tried to put a bunch of soldiers in an emu yeah right guy was he's like it's the only way to do it I'm biblwack we could fit nine if they're not breathing sir Senate Senate centipede for yeah what did you do with the money we gave you I sewed them to the birds asshole what was the plan oh that's what the grant was for that's interesting can we start again so it's hard to unstitch do you know what I mean it's hard to uncentipede is what I'm saying it's not easy you can't

dissentipede it's more of a commitment isn't it yeah you are centipeded do you want to be uncentipeded what are you gonna do you're gonna hit the fucking talk show circuit look well Oprah I can't get the taste out I shit myself again there's not enough gum Oprah there's not enough gum and then they cut the commercial everyone check under your seat there's gum it's from last week chewed gum I should be clear we're asking you to clean the seats sorry well here here's the here's the great great end to this Sun

Herald quote they are like Zulus whom even dumb dumb bullets could not stop well let's just throw in some horrible racism that's terribly right this reporter what's this bird paragraph missing I know horrible racism the editor was like I love what I'm hearing is there any way to throw a racial dig at the end they got feathers like Zulus so the major was recalled the emu war was over the birds were victorious married it's lost yes what if they were just a bunch of birds in the crowd or was it no it was not it was time for gorilla warfare they're gonna put gorillas in the gorillas they drop gorillas from planes oh no

they're forming an animal unit the gorillas are riding them the government gave it's working oh no they're taking over the girls are taking over the planet jesus why did we ride the emus they said in the last plan of the 8th movie government gave ammunition to the locals to deal with the emus well just to everybody now yeah everybody's a soldier over six months in 1934 57,000 emus were killed jesus this is 18 years later this is a fucking movie just one guy out there bad bandana on just in the middle of the emus John what are you

staring at emus there's no emus there honey there are in my eyes there will be if we don't stop them the next 30 years waking up big big big John it was just a dream again it was just one of your dream so big you had a wet emu so big you're okay baby you're okay you're here with me now an emu and then he wakes up again he's like a double dream I tried to earn emu the emus now protected animal again they are about 600,000 running about but they are still going to be ganged up 600,000 there's 600,000 now in your fucking country wow they keep quiet what are you wouldn't you keep quiet at this point

they're like don't talk waiting they're having meetings I don't see them at here tall ones still there like the big one wait guys we're almost there one million and we hit Sydney for now we keep fucking for now we sit on the wheat we haven't fuck but they're still in danger due to encroaching human activity which means some do the war with the emus may be on again no treaties have ever been signed that's the emu war I had to do it people kept saying to me and I was like it's too small but I figured well thank you very much for having us we appreciate it you guys are fantastic thank

you so much