The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 112 - Prince Alfred Visits Australia (Live)

Episode Date: September 5, 2015

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Celia Pacquola to discuss Prince Alfred's visit to Australia. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the dollar podcast live at the comics

lounge. Now please put your hands together and welcome to the stage Dave and Gary. You there. Holy shit. Hi everybody. The chants are just getting so strange. It's just one guy now. Yeah a lone gunman. Gary. I'm Dave this is Gary. Let's be honest the back supported that when the front dropped the ball and I don't even like the Gary chants but you see what I'm dealing with. That went exactly where it should. To one man's shame. It's your name and they're just chanting your name. But no one wanted to do it. It's not as fun. I disagree. This

is our third dollop in your country. We've done two in Brisbane. I've heard something I've learned researching the the dollops and that's that all of your cities hate each other. And it's been that way since the beginning. It's your foundation. It's really crazy. Yeah we're gonna they'll be a little bit of that in tonight's dollop. Wait what? It'll be a little bit of the city's. Oh a city? It's a city? Turf war? Yeah it's all fucking it's just really ridiculous. I can't wait to hear about it. What about you guys? But Brisbane's really nice. Fuck you. It's strange. They treat us really nice there. There's houses. Oh we gotta... dude talk

about the flight. Clonus. Checking in. You and me! Okay. This is Stanley. So we're in LA and we walk up to the counter, Clonus, and we go we check it in blah blah and the guy goes okay passports and then he takes the ticket and he looks at it and he goes there's a comment on your boarding pass. I don't know what that means. And he says it says no sleep tell hippo. So we're laughing. And I was like did I put that in there? And then I was like no I did that podcast. I booked these tickets months ago. I did the podcast recently. There's no way. Yeah. And then he takes out Gareth's ticket and he says prefers Gary. So there's some legend in the quanta system.

Yes. Yes. There's a there's a summit. It works for Qantas who is a fucking legend. There's a legend. And we both kept him and we're gonna... He's actually this trip's ifty gifty. He is. He is. Ladies and gentlemen we have a guest tonight. Did you know that? This guy this guy did not announce this guest because because the show was already sold out. So I was like well how about how about it we have a secret. Ladies and gentlemen Bill Cosby. Watch your drinks gang. Get your hands over him when you're not sippin'. Celia Pacoia! Yeah. Shit. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. No seriously. I'm glad I'm glad you you've

introduced me because Bill Cosby is back there and I was like fucking bring me out. Give me the drink. Give me the drink. Don't drink that. Do not drink that. Don't drink it. Don't drink it. Just got... Oh. Old fingers Cosby. Hi. Wow. This is exciting. Look at all these people who like you. Everybody. Everybody listens to the walk in the room. Yeah. He's like oh my god episode 38 you said he was a rapist. Oh. I did. Now do. Celia's like look at all these fans and support you're like I called it. Yeah. To get back on rape. Hold it. Sorry. Anyway go ahead with your stuff. So I feel very welcome. It's nice. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So do you have a...

Everybody. Yep. So on this tour the guest is reading you were told that right? You're excited to hear what you have cooked up for us. Yes. Okay. Stories about rape. I think you do. So I was sexually assaulted. Dave why don't you read what you have? And... Celia we got this. All right. I liked what you were having. But it had a surprise ending. You'll never know. What was the surprise? Okay. 1860. Thank god. Yeah. In the 1860s Australia was a feeling a bit sad because no one from the royal family had come down to visit. What? Oh no. For years Australia had been begging for someone to come down from the royal family. What? This is weird already. The country didn't feel legitimate.

What? They'd be like we're on your fucking money. What else you want? You know what we look like? Yeah. I don't know what to say. You guys... You don't call. You don't write. You don't visit. It's like are we even your nation anymore? Do you know what I mean? I mean you turn up on that flag and it feels like you don't even call. You know what I mean? Like an ignored step child. Little Australia. So finally in 1867 Queen Victoria sent a royal down. Prince Alfred. It's Alfred. Yeah. There is an Alfred. You didn't know about Alfie? No. Did he work for Batman? It's one and the same. Oh my god. He was 23 years old, the second son of Queen Victoria. He wasn't exactly the top of the heap. Really? His mom called

him clever and odd. Interesting. Nice to lead with clever. The Queen was running things and his brother was next in line for the throne so Alfred was there in case his brother died but other than that not really anything going on. When he was young he was sent to the British Navy because he really didn't have anything going on in the family except for being you know in the second chair and he rose through the ranks quickly. He was lieutenant at 19. I don't know how he rose through the client. Well he was clearly very good. Yeah. I mean there's no nepotism there. Oh I get it. Yeah. Because he's royal guys. Thank you. She's on it. Fingers on the pulse of the podcast. Got it. Well he might have just been really good. You

don't know. He was a captain and commanding his own ship at 22, the HMS Galatee. You guys remember that one? HMS odd would have been better. Yeah. You think it's odd? I think if you'd called it HMS odd. What about clever and odd, the ship? Clever odd, the boat. These are catchy titles. Claude. Claude. In 1863. What just happened? King Otto of Greece was deposed. King Otto? Otto. Otto? King Otto. Okay. You just insulted all of Greece. Well what are they gonna do? Throw hummus at me? You got nothing. So Greece needed a new king and the country voted for Alfred to be their new king. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck happened? So wait, I'm sorry. So great. They kicked out

their king because he's douchebagged and they're like we want a new king instead of being like what about a democracy? They're like let's get another one of those guys. And so they were like that guy's doing nothing. He's clever and odd. And so they wanted him to be their king. They voted 95%, 95%, they had a referendum, 95% were in favor of Alfred. I didn't know you elected monarchies. Yeah. Interesting. It's very old. Why is Greece in the shitter? Cannot figure it out. But Queen Victoria was not down with Alfred being the king of Greece. So she was like fucking stop that shit. And so he, she wanted him to be the Duke of Edinburgh and the Earl of Ulster and of Kent, which happened in 1866. So he's got a bunch of titles now.

Sure. It's not that great. Alfred's a fucking piece of shit. Jesus, Dave, don't pull punches. To show how fun Alfred is, he was a stamp collector. And he played the violin, but he was really shitty at playing it. His playing was described as quote abominable. And he would have people over for dinner. And then right after the meal, he'd whip out the violin and make them listen. They're just all vomiting at the table. Now the queen decided Alfred, she'd go on a royal tour of the British colonies. He left Plymouth, England in January 1867 on the Galatia. The plan was to first go to Gibraltar, then a stop in Brazil, then the Cape of Good Hope and from there, Australia, the first ever royal tour. It's awesome. It's going to go well. There's no doubt in my mind

there's nothing wrong with his tour. To be honest, I still can't stop picturing him as Alfred as better as Butler like his whole time. He's playing a violin. He's stealing like a suit and top of tails. I'm like, yes. Mother, I can't. I can't go on a tour. What will Batman do, brother? I'm talking about. Who will iron his suits? Oh, whatever the fuck I do. So is he currently the Earl and the Duke? He's not the king. So the queen would let him be the king of grace, which is dumb. Yeah, he's not the king of grace. King of grace sounds heaps cooler than an Earl. Oh, I totally agree. But mommy didn't want it. Right. But she still wants to get rid of him. All right. Yeah. This is the first royal that Australia gets. Yep. And he's coming for six

months and Australians, when they heard they went fuck, fuck. They could not believe how awesome this was. They are like, Oh, my God, Alfred is coming to us. They started writing poems. Whoa. This was a time when when people were excited about the stuff, they would write poems. Yeah. Yeah. Sing, greet him with song and welcome right hearty ye good festive throng, the son of our queen, who now visits your coast, a son of old England, each true Britain's boast. Loudly sound your trumpets, doubly beat your drums, cannons while your thunder, the royal sailor comes. See our princely sailor comes. That was in the, uh, really good. It's really good. Yeah, isn't the paper. Yeah, it was in the paper. Okay. So that's the best poem written about

just interesting. They made preparations in every city. He brought a personal painter who was there to talk art with him and also paint pictures of the trip. Amazing. He was like, I don't know, but that you can't be like a photographer, like a painter on a trip is like, okay, nobody moved for 10 hours. Okay. This is going to be great guys. I'll tag you in this. It's going to be fantastic. You would have just had to do that. Just have like a human selfie stick. Yeah. That's how you must have been able to do it. That was what you did. Yeah. You're like, do one of us facing the camera. But you know, in those ye oldie times when you see those paintings, I always think it was just all painters shitty. Or just did people just look

weird? You know, the painters have really long necks and massive eyeballs. Like the painters like spot on and that's what that was ever spot on. People were super fucked up. The trip on the Galatia did not go well. Okay. First there was an outbreak of typhus. Then one night the ship's cook fell overboard. Wait, what? How? That's, that's all it said. I couldn't find anything else about it. Too much enthusiasm flipping a pancake. Hey, you guys watch this. I dropped the spatula. Alfred was very upset about the cook. He said, quote, had I been here, I would have gone overboard with him. I fear, I fear I will not another cook like him. So amazing

that he just misses the food. Yeah. He's like, who's going to make the risotto? I'll never forget his meals. God. Now the prince is supposed to first arrive in Perth. But he just sails past it. Yeah. It's not like that's a large bit of coast to miss at all. They had like all the people out there and they're like, here comes the 30. Ready your poems. Ready your poems. Get your poems ready. Get your poems ready. He'll be coming. He's not, they're not stopping. Shut up and get your poems ready. Prince Alfred will be here. Wait, is he waving? No, he's throwing a chef at us. That's weird. I think he gave us a chef body as a gift. Thank you. We love you. No reason was ever given for why he didn't stop. And in Perth, the local paper wrote, we should never speak of this.

Because he moved him. He moved him for two months on the way past. He stood him up. Yeah. It's like he catfished him. So he's next scheduled to arrive in Adelaide, but celebrate. No one knows exactly what day he will arrive. So they have men stationed in lookout towers all along the coast watching for the Galatee. And on the 29th of October, where it goes out, the ship has been seen. The prince is arriving. People are thrilled. Oh my goodness. So excited. They're going to build the churches. Yeah. Everyone in the whole town comes down to the water. Fireworks are set off. Tons of rowboats head out into the bay to meet the ship. I don't think he's coming. Oh no. And there is no ship. No ship.

No ship. Turns out it was a false alarm. What the fuck is he doing? So everyone is sad and they head back home. For whatever reason, everyone goes home. They leave the outlooks. They all just left and went home. Oh no. So there's no lookouts. There's no one on the coast and then enrolls the ship. Should have gone to Greece. Oh, I thought they were looking forward to meeting me. So there was rumour of poems. Oh no. I miss Batman. I'd comfort Ed if I had a chef. So I'd eat my feelings but my chef drowned. It's so funny. So the prince, the prince's ship comes in and no one's there. Not a soul. So they anchor the ship and they just stay there for the night and then they get up in the morning and still no one.

They were hurt. And then they spot five guys who were in a little boat and they'd blown off work to go fishing and they asked those guys to go into the city and tell everyone that the prince is here and they're like, fuck man, we're fishing. So you have to do it himself? Just go around door and go, hello, I'm the prince and I'm here and where the fuck were you? Goodbye. So those guys eventually go into the city. They tell everybody then everyone rushes down to the shore. There's reception committees. So worked and they're like, sorry, we were here the day before and the prince finally comes ashore. They have big ceremonies and whatnot and at this point everyone in the city is there. So now it's makeup. It's what we all envisioned. Australian papers

are thrilled. The Argus wrote, this is the beginning of a new era in the history of the world. From today, the eyes of the world will be on Australia as it welcomes its royal guest. We're somebody. We do love a visitor. We really do love a visitor. And they're right. It was the start because now they won't stop fucking coming out. Yeah. Oh, that got weird. What? Expect a parade. We get it. Write us a poem. So the Australians have a lot of writing on this, right? They think it's finally going to make them a country to be reckoned with. So they're just crazy? No, it's their part. Yes, is the answer. Today like a celebrity retweeted you. It's like I exist. Yeah. Yeah. It's exactly like that. Okay. That is the perfect analogy. Put it in perspective for me.

Okay. Because we all know what it's like when Seth Rogen retweets it. I feel sad for the people listening to this who couldn't see your shoulder direction. Many moves. I think I popped something. I'll be honest. I just feel a lot of cool fluid moving down my arm. Having a stroke. Finish without me, Dave. I'll write you a poem. Well, okay. So Australia is a chip on its shoulder because it started out as a penal colony and now they're like, we're a real country. So they need this too. So it's like, it sounds like somebody who's been in a lot of bad relationships, putting a lot on this one early. Oh yeah, for sure. Okay. Sure. It's going to go great though. I don't know anything. Anyway. Only one public voice was not thrilled about the visit. Batman.

Where are you, Alfred? My boots are filthy. Who's gonna put on my pants? The Batmobile's covered in mud and leaves. I wish I could get involved in that, but I can't. Yeah, I get it. The Freeman's Journal, which was run by Irish Catholics. Oh boy. The newspaper said, quote, a pleasure cruise with a young Anglo-German gentleman, the son of a sovereign who had done nothing in particular to win the gratitude of Australians. Wait, so that's the Irish Catholics. So they're not happy that. No, they don't care for it. The fuck is going on with them? Well, we'll get there. Okay, thank you. Convicts have not been sent to Melbourne or Sydney or Tasmania for quite some time. I seriously thought you said comics. Comics. Yeah, there's no comics going

there. What are we? They haven't had any good acts there for a while. Oh man. And the prison transport ships are about to be wrapped up completely. The tour is the legitimate thing for the whole place. And now Adelaide is a city that never started as a penal colony, I guess. Yep. And that's interesting that they're, yeah. That's correct. It could be so nice. It's always. If we went to Adelaide, all our own free will. So it's always been a free settlers. And so they already think they're a little bit better than the other cities. Yeah. And, uh, and now they've been chosen for the first city to Prince to come to. So they're like, Hey, yeah, but they weren't fucking there. Well, they, I mean, they

were there. They just weren't there. No, they don't have a good work ethic. And I, I don't know. Maybe they were all in church. I've read that they have a lot of churches there. I can't wait to go there. Murder. Excuse me? I'm glad you said it. Nothing. I didn't say anything. No, it feels like I was just talking about Adelaide. I was just saying how it has a lot of churches. And then you said murder, like murder. Children are missing. He's possessed, right? Okay. Okay. So the city has set up a bunch of events and dinners and what not for the Prince to go to. And the Prince has given a personal footman. Oh, I love a good footman. And the, as well as the painter. Yeah. The painter's like, you know, ever since the footman

came here, I feel like. Or is the footman a painter who only paints feet? Like the first painter is like, I just can't do hands and feet. I look, I look like balloons or two. You need a footman. You need a footman for that. Uh, the footman previously worked for the governor as his personal shampoos. Okay. So hold the phone for a fucking second. Um, okay. So this, okay. So do you not have a personal shampoos? I have a conditioner. I have a personal conditioner. Walk me through his job. Okay. So he's a footman. So he's a footman. So his last job was to get to the shampooing. Okay. But what is a footman? A footman is like a personal valet sort of. He's going to help you with all your bullshit. Okay. And put on your coat, do that kind of, they dress you. A natural

transition from shampooing a man. So he used to shampoo. He used to shampoo the governor. And that was it. Uh, yeah, I guess they had a conditioner guy. So his job, yeah. You know, I can do both. I'm hot oil treatment Larry. Hi, I'm Lufa Larry. I'm bum cleaner. We just found out bump cleaner wasn't actually hired. He's just crazy. I clean all the bums. No, you've been asked to not be here. He'll take care of that himself. We told you that. Get out of here. We've been very get the fuck out of here. I brought my brushes. God, those are very thick. He's been unable to sit for a while. You're very thorough. Uh, the, uh, the footman's name was, uh, Osbaldistan. Sorry? What? His name was Osbaldistan. Sure. Country. Yeah. It's a great. I don't know.

Osbaldistan. Yeah. He was the only one from there. Yeah. Why would anyone ever be there? Osbaldistan now has access to places he never would have before. And he, he takes advantage of the situation. He's going to shampoo so many people. So when he is at mansions and other places during dinners, he goes into the place and steals jewelry and cash. It's a sweet gig. He's getting access to these awesome places with the prince. And he's just stealing. And he's just robbing shit. So he's just taken five finger discounts. Yeah. Who knew a guy whose skill was rubbing someone else's head would turn out to be a bit striking. It's like, it's not applicable to many occupations. I'll just take things. So then, uh, so then burglars

start happening in the neighborhood where Osbaldistan lives. And so he's probably worried about his big stash of stolen shit. Wait. So he steals a bunch of shit and there's robberies. And he's like, Oh, that's not good for the neighborhood. Yeah. Don't like the sound of that. So he writes a letter complaining about the breaks and breakings and the lack of police protection to the paper. And he's a thief. Right. Right. Okay. He's not a thinker. And so a police officer is sent to his house to take down a report. But when he gets there as fucked, Osbaldistan is not there. And he's working at one. He's working at one of the prince's dinners right then. And Osbaldistan's wife opens the door and she's wearing a jacket that has just been reported stolen.

Holding a big bag of money with a dollar sign on it. Yeah. Yeah. Say what, what, what are you doing? So the cop goes to arrest Osbaldistan at the reception he's at. And as Osbaldistan sees him coming and makes a break for it. And now the prince is in a garden party. I mean, that's a really idiotic thing to. Yeah. Okay, keep going. So the prince is in a garden party and Osbaldistan runs through it with cops and all the staff of the house chasing him. Is this the original draft of Ferris Bueller's death? Just hear the Benny Hill music in the yard. And he manages to get away. And the group is chasing him. And they chase him all the way through the central business district. And he manages still to avoid them. And so what do you do?

You, you, you run home. No, where you keep all your stolen goods. And then you get caught in the exact room where you've been keeping all your stolen. No, you don't do that. That is what you don't do. So he just runs home and they're like, we figured you'd be here anyway. You're under arrest and dumb. So Prince Alfred's final day in Adelaide consisted of him going to the police station to identify all the shit that been stolen from Australia. He was just like laying in a bed thinking of Greece all day is like, God, I should have done Greece. Oh my God. Now the Prince heads to Melbourne. Ever heard of it? There his ship is met with much fanfare. Yeah, on time. Thank you. He was greeted by her paws. Yep. And people shouting such things as God bless the Duke. Oh,

we're glad to see your Royal Highness and don't be afraid of us. That is our motto. That's motto in Melbourne. Not a red flag at all. Don't be afraid. We're definitely not going to hurt or steal from you. Don't be afraid of us. Wow. They even put that in the Argus paper. Don't be afraid of us. What the fuck? Okay. Is there an editor at papers at this time? There's not. Okay. So the King gets off and he has to push his way through the crowd to get to Scott's Boil Hotel. And when he went inside, the crowd cheered. Now at this time, we're not going to murder you. We promise. At this time, there was a Finian problem in the world. Oh, oh, I know this. Is this Irish Duke trying to invade Canada? Dave. Yeah.

Thank you. I heard that. That's great. Thank you. So this is the same time. So these Irish... Oh, no. Are they going to try to invade Melbourne? Are they about to invade Australia? Yes. Have they... No way. They would never stop trying to invade Canada. What are they doing? It's pathetic. As we know, the Finians are an Irish brotherhood dedicated to the independence of Ireland. And some ways they do it is by invading Canada from America. In 1867, it was discovered the Finians had embedded their own soldiers in the British military planning rebellion in Ireland. The plan was disrupted and many Finians were arrested. Another thing that occurred at this time was Finians trying to break out some of their brothers

from clickin' well prison. They used a barrel of gunpowder that they hit on a wheelbarrow and put it right up against the prison wall. Now, a barrel of gunpowder is a lot of gunpowder. What? They were cartoons? And so they set off this... Drop an anvil on the warden. Don't worry. You can walk over that candy if you don't look down. How did you not do that in Irish accent? Dave. We'll get there. We'll get there. You're very right. So the explosion is huge. Kills 12 people passing by, wounded another 100. A hundred? A hundred.

Yes, an act of terrorism. Yo, that's what it would be. Yeah. Okay. Weird Irish people blowing stuff up. Never heard of that. Another Finian named Kelly attacked Chester Castle to get weapons and ammunition for the fight but was caught and sent to jail. When he was being transported in a police van, a group of Finians cut off the wagon and attacked. While they were trying to get him out, they shot and killed the police officer guarding Kelly. Some say it was on purpose, some say it was an accident. The men who performed that attack were arrested and sentenced to death. Two were let off but three were executed. They became known as the Manchester Martyrs.

And they're Irish? The Finians were very upset about the Manchester Martyrs. They've been executed just before the Prince arrived and word had come to Australia. So the Finians are angry. Oh boy. Wait. Okay. So things. Now this is also right when in America the Finians are invading Canada. It's a real movement. That's not going well. No. Are the Finians in Australia going to try like hijack the Prince's ship and be like, you're going to give us a lift to Canada? How far is the trip to Canada? Is it far? Too late taking us. So Australians are worried that the Finians are going to attack Australia. As they fucking should be.

And try to ransom Australia for Irish independence. Totally. I mean, they had a country. They were all set. They're like, well, we can fucking build this. Canada, Australia. Fucking imagine it, man. We send nine of our greatest to each nation and we overtake it. Trust me. Too crazy to not fucking work, man. So things are tense between Irish Catholics and of course Irish Protestants are on the other side all over the world. And Melbourne, there was an orange lodge and they decided on this day to hang some pictures of the Battle of Boing. Did the Battle of Boing happen? Is that Boing? Yeah, I think so. The Battle of Boing. Is that a fight between like Tigger and someone? I'm probably saying it wrong. I'm probably saying

it wrong. I don't know. Any Protestants want to? Any Finians at the crowd? Any Finians? Of course not. We're planning on taking over the comics lounge for Ireland or something. The Battle of Boing happened in 1690. It was between Catholic James II of England and Protestant William III of Scotland, William I. The battle ensured the continued Protestant ascendancy in Ireland and the Catholics saw this as an enormous defeat. So just after the Manchester martyrs are killed and with the Prince coming, the the Orange men decide to throw up some incendiary shit on their walls. Therefore, all to see was a brightly lit a tableau of William of Orange smiting the Catholic armies. The Prince lands in Melbourne exactly that evening. The Catholics

are not pleased. And he probably doesn't know shit either. He's probably like, it's very intense around here, isn't it? He's like, a lot of tension, isn't it? I've heard about your Vegemite. There are words exchanged during the day. Then at night, some Catholics try to break into the Orange Hall to rip down the pictures. The Orange men inside shoot and then all is said and done, two boys outside are found shot, one of whom dies. This of course leads to a religious riot. What better way to welcome the Prince than with a good old religious riot. Very active at night here, isn't it? You know, you don't have fun, don't you? Okay, so the next day, a large charity event is to be held on the banks of the Yar River. It was a feast organized for 10,000 people. Jesus

Christ, how do you do that? I make a lot of chickens. Thank you. Hang on, they're organizing about 10,000 people whilst there's rioting. No, the riots are over now, and now they're going to give people food. Well, this sounds like it's going to end well. Yeah, it sounds like a MasterChef challenge. You've got to feed 10,000 poor people. There's a riot. It's called a Feast for the Poor. There's going to be wine and food, and the Prince is supposed to come and meet the common people of Melbourne. Wait, holy shit, Dave. What? That is a terrible plan. Why? Because... Just wait amongst the film. No, no, no, no, no, no. Who's planning this trip for him? I don't know. More importantly, who's shampooing his hair while he's in Melbourne? He's getting shampooed the whole time.

Yes, welcome. We've got 20 times as people who are going to be taking turns shampooing. Now go meet the drunk homeless people. So the crowd is supposed to be 10,000, but about 40,000 show them, and they're all sitting there waiting from noon until 5 p.m., and they're saying they're growing hungry, and the Prince is not showing up. Well, they're not eating yet. They're waiting for the Prince to come before they eat. Do the people of Melbourne eat the Prince? I mean, that would be the greatest ending to a dollop ever. Oh my god. And then the 40,000 homeless of Melbourne ate the Duke. It's hot. There's a strong wind. The police stop Prince Alfred on his way there because there's too many people. Then at five, they're told Prince

Albert is not coming, and all hell breaks loose. I mean, we're talking riots on riots. The 40,000 people rush the banquet. There are 120,000 pounds of meat, 4,500 pounds of plump pudding, 27 dozen pastry, 5,000 pies, 600 pounds of fish, 100 pounds of cake. See, that would never happen in Melbourne these days. That does not sound organic. None of that sounds good to pray. 100 pounds of cake. They overturn tables, smash cacks, casks, collapse the tents. There's a cat. They've smashed all the cats. For some reason, they're shattering. Good lord. Smash the cod, mate. Explode the dogs and smash the cats. It's a riot. They collapse the tents. They broke the barrels. There's also a cute wine fountain that had been

built out of pipes, where they put a big 500 gallon cask of wine up in a tree. Make a fountain, and they fucking hit that shit and broke it and just started sucking out of the pipes. And so they're just fucking hammered. Quote, some climbed into the tree where the cask of wine supplying the fountain was placed, and cutting the pipes, distributed the contents pretty liberally over the crowd. So they're just spraying wine? We would rather drink it. Ah, fucking suck it. He ain't coming. He ain't coming. Far more of the wine stream going over the heads of the people that went into the paddacons and buckets that were held to catch it. Wait, wait. In the bucket!

That is a potty. Fill the bucket. Shit. Police just gave up trying to control the mob, and went into the pie tent and ate pies. Interesting. I'm so proud. I've never been so proud. Let's go eat pies, mate. That's when pie face started. Hey, look at me. Whoa, I look like. What's weird is you do actually end up a pie first after you've been drinking wine in a tree. That's usually where. I love a barrel tree wine party. So good. Is everybody happy? Smash that cat. In Sydney, the press gloated over the disaster. Of course they fucking did. Put your shirt on, Sydney. I hope they ate the prince. The Sydney Morning Herald wrote,

it must be remembered in Melbourne. Sorry. It's alright. In Melbourne, there is a large number of the vilest of the vile and the gatherings of old seditions and other abominations. What? What? Fuck you. Nailed it. Yeah. Fuck off. It was called you guys abominations. What's the big deal? Sit in your pointy building and drink your shit coffee. Oh my God. Oh my God. Sorry. Their coffee is worse than your coffee, and America's coffee is like diarrhea. Yeah. You guys, get off your fucking coffee horse. You guys do need to relax with the coffee. Sorry. I drink, I drink tea, so I don't give a shit. Uh, yeah. Finally, someone taking you to task. Fucking tea pussy. Snort some coffee,

motherfucker. You're in Australia. So, tea. You stir it with a tampon, mate. No, that's a terrible idea. I did it a little bit. Yeah. Then you suck it out. This is just an empty mug. Come here, kitty. God damn it. So, Sydney is next on the tour. Why is he continuing a tour? Why wouldn't he? It's going great. It's terrible. Nothing's gone right. Everybody's missed him. He could have been the king of fucking Greece. Well, they're next on the tour, so they're getting cocky. They're like, we're going to do this. They can't do worse than Melbourne and Adelaide at this point.

They're going to do worse. The next night, there was a banquet held at the Melbourne Lunatic Asylum. What? What? What? What are we doing that for? Cup tries to brain pie, guys. There is a pavilion. I don't imagine that's like, you know, in Hook, the same way that is eating invisible food. Like, yes, it's a banquet. They just like pull off like the silver thing. Enjoy the fresh turkey. They're like, that's empty, but what the fuck's happening right now? There was a big pavilion erected in front of the building. All the big fancy people were in town, and 150 inmates of the crazy house. So what? Who planned this? So Melbourne's sort of go to is, we won't hurt you, but we also have homeless people and crazy people. Yeah. Who is doing our

fucking PR? We are so sorry what they did with the homeless people. Meet the lunatics that need to live inside here. So be way better. Well, here's the thing. The Prince didn't even go. It was just a thing that they did to be like, we do this too. And then they told him about it later. Wait, he was never invited. He wasn't supposed to go. They had 150 of the Hoity Toities sitting with 150 lunatics. And they were like, this is a party. And then they didn't invite the Prince. Well, the lunatics were probably like, we see the Prince even though he's not here. We've several of the inmates sang songs, an 80 year old inmate woman sang a song while playing the accordion, 80 year old 80 year old while playing the accordion. The night was considered

to be a great success. It was someone who had an anvil dropped on them earlier. It was just a celebration of him being in town. That was it. So that went well. He wasn't there. Yeah. But that's why it went well. Yeah. He hates the problem. Not us. Yeah. Meanwhile, Prince Alfred pretty much just laid low and melded in the rest of his time there. Why? He stayed with it. Well, is he too good to get sprayed in the face with wine? Well, he doesn't like a hobo Pinot Noir party. He stayed with the governor and his wife who wanted the Prince to go to bed early and rise

early. She was like, she assumed that at night the Prince was retiring when they did, but that's not what was going on. Wait, chief commissioner of police Frederick Standish was taking Prince Alfred on a tour of the local brothels each evening. Are you sure it wasn't commissioner Gordon? Sorry, that would have been better. I couldn't think of it quick enough. I was like, oh, then I got it and it was too late. So the only thing he's doing is taking nighttime horror tours. Yeah. Okay. Standish is on a horror tour. Standish was a bachelor like Alfred and known to be a man's man. He would take men out for fucking sessions. A man's man. He's a great guy. He was very, very well acquainted with Melbourne's brothels in both a personal and professional

capacity. Alfred ended up in Sarah Frazier's very high class brothel on Stevens Street. She ended up closing down her brothel to the public until the Prince left town. It was said Standish introduced Prince Albert to several women who met his approval. After the Prince left town, Sarah said he was the meanest man she ever met and that he used her house, used her women, but never paid for anything. He's English. These vaginas are mine? Up until now, he seemed sort of all right. Yeah, he didn't seem like a dick. He sort of felt bad for him for a while. He just sort of got put on a boat and sent around to see us all, but now he's getting free shit and not tipping. Well, a cook did fall over the ship and he was mad about his meals. Yeah, but he didn't

push him. Did he? Did he push him? Is this a clue? During Prince Albert's time there, he also stiffed a horse carers driver, a watchmaker, and a commissioned painter. Does that mean he fucked him? Yep. There is also a member of the Richmond Police Department who was said to be a sporting sergeant and he enjoyed cockfighting. In the brothel? In the brothel? No, different kind of cockfighting, actual roosters. I thought it was like a couple dudes fought with their dicks over. Go ahead. The Prince's party spent a few afternoons at the cockfights enjoying birds killing each other. Is this still in Melbourne? With what? We're still in Melbourne. You guys are a fucking nightmare. Well, and I mean, why would he go to Sydney? They're like, come to the Lunatic

asylum. There's fake cake. So now the higher ups in Melbourne are like, well, this is not fucking going well. This is a disaster. And they have him delay his trip to Sydney. And then when I take him out to cities nearby, so he takes a week to head out to see other places in Victoria. Uh oh. He goes outside the city. Sunshine. And apparently, what? Sunshine. Sunshine? You should have you been to sunshine? Sounds nice. You should go. You should go for a trip to sunshine. Sunshine. Local humor. You're not fucking with us, are you? You swear to God we should go there? I'll write you a poem. You swear to God? Let's go take a whore tour. He goes outside the city and everywhere he goes, people are shitfaced.

It's a simpler time. I'm going to go there. I can't imagine that today. When he goes by on the train, there are just people that had got there in the morning lined up and they're just laying drunk on the side. Oh my God. The London Times said, quote, everywhere we were greeted with poor, debased, drunken wretches. Now that's reporting. That's like your tour. And also in every town he stopped then, he was greeted by blooming children dressed in white with accompanying blue trimmings who sang the national anthem. And literally every town he goes to, I read his, I read his journey like thing every single time. I was like, they stopped and the children sang. They stopped and the children sang. He was like, fuck, and I've heard it.

Fuck sake. It's more blue children. They go to, let me try to say this. You're going to say it wrong. Gee long. Oh, you're all cunts. How the fuck do you say that one? Easy, Dave. Say it like it's not spelled. No, no, no, no, no, no. You be you. We love you for you and, mate, stick with it. Say the word. I don't think she wants to. Oh, it's right. It's right. No, it's not right. Go there as well as sunshine. Go to sunshine and gee long. Do you promise you're saying it right and we should go there? Yeah. You swear to God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As people are laughing, which is like throwing me way the fuck off with. Yeah. All right, we'll go there.

Yeah. Anyway, back to Gee Long. What the fuck is funny? Look how it's spelled. Oh, gee long. Oh, mate. Gee long. Is that right? Gee long. No way. Fuck you. Gee long. So there the city folk had set up. Where? Again. Oh, and Gee Long. I love Gee Long. There fall. There they had set up a sort of charity banquet. Well, their charity banquets are fucking disasters. What did they do? It was exactly. I mean, you're on a roof. It was exactly like the one they modeled it after the one in Melbourne. Why, why, why model after that? What the fuck? Why would you model it after that? A large crowd gathers. No, there's a delay. Well, of course.

The people who organize the event get fucking pissed and they go crazy. People who organize the event started to get freaked out because they heard what happened in Melbourne. And instead of handling the situation, they decided to just abandon the banquet and ran away. And the starving masses rushed in and had all the food and drink. Local papers compared it to a drunken orgy. That's the only kind of orgy I'll go to. This is so everyone. So this time we're including fucking like everyone's just like, I want to show you how we party and fuck. I'm going to eat cake up your back while I fuck you.

Here's another time. I'm going to say it wrong because I'm going to say it the way it's spelled. Yep. Next, the prince goes to Ballarat. Yay to me. It's the way it's spelled. You fuckers finally said a word the way it's written. David, David, sit down, David. David, sit down. All right, all right, sit down. All right. Jesus Christ, David. You did it right. Yeah. Not a lot of people react like that to applause. Well, at this point, I am on a emotional roller coaster. He doesn't know what he's going to be saying his own name. Like, is it Davi? What the fuck? Davi Antonei? Oh God. In Ballarat, Ballarat is a gold mining town. Yes, sure. So they take him down into the

band of hope gold mine. They dress Prince Alfred up in miners clothes. The whole deal. The pot, the mine was normally lit with gas lights, but since the prince was there, it was packed with lights. And when he descends deep down, they ask him to have a go with a hammer and look for some gold. Now they've set it up. Of course. Yeah, that's that. So there it's like this rock right here, sir. Yeah, there's big giant nuggets of gold everywhere that they've set the mine so he could find a bunch of gold. And sure enough, he chips away and he's like, oh, he keeps finding nuggets. What? Go ahead. Yep. He keeps finding very large nuggets of gold and he's like, yay, I'm the prince. Yeah. And then he comes up and the owner of the mine tells

him he can take home one nugget. And he's like, and I've unearthed 95 nuggets. So the prince takes five, which is worth about a thousand pounds back then, which is a lot of money. Yeah. Everyone is too embarrassed to ask him to give it back. So now he's just ripping people off by being is okay. So nobody wins in this. Nope. Okay, everybody. Well, no, there's no winners. He gets gold. Yeah, he got gold. He's also had a horrible tour where nobody likes him and he can't go to anything. It's so not horrible yet. Yeah, take out getting ahead of ourselves. Advantage of our hospitality. Fucking good. So I put this part in just so you guys would then he goes from town to town. He went to

Gizbum, Sunbury, Castle Main, Bin and Yong. What? She goes like bun and young bunion young. You guys have a place called Bunion lawn. So this went on for days and days. He's just cruising around. Here's a letter. Every town would greet him. This is from James Ratcliffe, the mayor in George, Britain King, the town clerk. May it please your Royal Highness. We, Her Majesty's most dutiful and loyal subjects, the mayor and councillors of the borough of Raywood, beg leave to approach your Royal Highness with assurances of our devoted loyalty to the throne and attach to her most gracious Majesty and the members of the royal family. Permit us to most respectfully offer to your Royal Highness

your our sincere welcome and congratulations upon your save arrival in Victoria and to express the hope that your Royal Highness may experience no feelings but those of gratification and pleasure in connection with your visit to this colony. That happened in like fucking 80 cities. Every single fucking one he was just like I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna fucking shoot myself in the head. Reply, gentlemen, the expression of your devoted loyalty to the throne and of your attachment to Her Majesty has been received by me with great satisfaction for your congratulations on my arrival in Victoria and your good wishes. I heartily thank you over and over again. That went on over and fucking over again. Yeah. Then he goes to the mining town. It's like junk mail

essentially. Yeah, it was horrendous. I kept reading it going. I'm gonna, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Dave, you hit a guy on a car and on a motorbike. I did do that. It'll be in, if you stand around for the stand-up. I'll talk about that, but the guy did deserve it. Sorry. Then he went to the mining town. Here we go. You guys ready? Hang on to your fucking assholes. Then he went to the mining town of Bendigo. I'm gonna allow it. It's actually pronounced B-Dingo. There the locals were gonna have a parade and in this parade they made a model of the Prince's ship, the Galatee. The ship is full of schoolchildren who are waving and setting off fireworks, but then someone threw a firework back onto the ship. Wrong direction. Honestly, I was like,

shit, thank fuck, we finally got off the charity bank. What if there's kids on a ship with fireworks? What if it hits the chef and he falls over the side? I'm just an actor. No. The firework lands on a box of fireworks. That's not real. That happens in cartoons, not in real life. It is a cartoon. And the model of the Galatee suddenly is rushing through the crowd with its cannabis and wooden decks in flames. The fireworks on board ignited and they're all blowing up. And now this is gonna get sad. So all the boys that were on the ship couldn't get off and were burned before they could get out. Three were seriously burned and they were taken to the hospital

and only survived for a short time. So well done. Welcome to Bendigo. Hey Prince, we're gonna burn some children for you. Oh my god. Do you like our parade? The organizers like, it was all a plan. We're calling it boys on fire for your highness. It meant to be like that. That was how it was meant to be. Oh, when you docked, your ship didn't blow up with fireworks and kill kids. Welcome to Australia. Welcome. Don't you miss the Finians? The Prince was pretty upset to hear about the news of the children and sent Mr. York who expressed his concern for the sufferers on hearing about the sad mishap.

Mr. York was his assistant. So he went to the hospital. The Prince was so upset that he was like, I'm gonna send my assistant to say how upset I am. Oh, I'm so bereaved. You must go tell them. The only way to speak from the heart is for you to do it. I'll bank some whores while you're gone. It's the least I can do. How's Batman? So, but when the assistant got there, they were all dead. So he was like, oh, it's okay. I don't know if he's a bad. He then goes to Sandhurst. Is that the town you were just saying? Don't trust Celia. No, but isn't that the town you were just talking about, Sandhurst? No. What was I talking about? Sunshine. Oh, sunshine. Oh, is that called Sandhurst? The fuck is happening right now? Sure. Let's

make it up. Narnia. It's next to Narnia. Yep. Should we go there? Yes. So he goes to Sandhurst where a ball is to take place in honor of Princess Alfred at Alfred Hall. Okay. Well, how is he still doing this? At what point do you pull the plug on your torch? It's going fine. Still. It's going fine. When you see a ship full of bad children. Yeah. Well, after that, you're like, well, I can't wait for the next town. Yeah. They've all been going great so far to keep the party rolling. It's going to be fine. I don't think it is. You've already said it's not going to be. Unfortunately, about 15 minutes before the ball was supposed to begin, a fire started and the entire building was consumed by fire. We are not good hosts. We're not. We're not good at it.

What the fuck are you guys doing? We're not good at hosting. I don't know. Alfred pulls up, he just pulls up to ruin. Another fire. It's just ruins. It's just, there's nothing left. It's just ashes. Well, I mean, the burning kids got in the paper. We've got to top that. Yeah. Don't know. That was bad news. Not less fire, no more fire. It is like a bizarro competition of like, who could be the worst? Well, what to do now, right? Stop the fucking tour, go home, go to Greece, many things. No, Alfred likes to hunt. So how about some hunting? What is from the age, January 25th, 1888. Age newspaper. Best of all, his royal highness has enjoyed shooting, killing animals. In South Australia, the governor took him to the government farm. The ideal situation for

possum shooting was a moonlit night. I agree. They're more adorable here than the United States. Those are big rats. One, one looked up through the trees, silhouetted the possum against the moon and fired. He shot 52 possums, 43 of which he brought home. The rest he left in trees. Why 40? I mean, what are you going to do with 43 possums to make a hat? They must have just been like, what the fuck is going on? 45 possums is like, not enough. I got to keep going. He went on numerous kangaroo shoots, but one of his more spectacular expositions was to Thomas Austin's property at Barwon Park. Mr. Austin introduced the rabbit to Victoria.

Oh my God, don't get me started on this. I fucking actually know shit about this. And is now doing a splendid job by breeding them in cages. The prince killed 86 on his first day and found it such good fun. He asked for a second shoot the following morning, thereby upsetting his carefully planned tour of the Western district. He is carefully planned tour. Yeah. A dozen guns went out and together they killed 1000 rabbits. The prince killed 416. In one place where the rabbits were trapped in a corner, he shot 68 in 10 minutes.

What? How is that even fun? It's just a fucking rabbit genocide. Yeah. It's like fish in a barrel, but it's wrapped in a corner. This is lovely. They're all trapped in a corner. Look at how astute I am at hunting them. They're all trapped and I'll just keep firing. He was also reported he shot other kangaroos, but not in the wild. What? What a pussy. They had them pinned up and would release one at a time. What?

And the kangaroos would hop down a lane between two fences, and the prince would sit on his horse and shoot them. You fucking coward. Shit. Shit. Give me your mind. He's never been to Australia before, so it's a brand new creature that he's never ever seen. Yeah, and I came here a few months ago for the first time and fed them, and it was fantastic. He's like, bring it at. What happened after you fed them?

Yeah, we fed them what? What did I do? Oh, fuck. What? What did you do? Well, Dave and I have different stances on how we feel about animals, and so we literally go and we find these. When we found these kangaroos, it was like I discovered a waterfall. I was like, magic. There's magic over there.

And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I'm feeding these fucking kangaroos. You're not magic in your hands. Little babies are just like, I love you. And I'm like, this is the greatest thing ever. Dave and I are having fun. We're frolicking with kangaroos. Some crazy Asian lady drooled more than I've ever seen a human drool. Just drooling out of her face. And then literally we were like, it was great.

We were posting about it in the next day. Dave goes out for a little while, comes back, shit had a fucking tooth pick in his mouth, and he goes, kangaroo is fucking delicious. We were trying to be like, ingest its magic. We like eat the magical creature. Yeah. Yeah. Against power.

All right. So Alfred's shooting a lot. Yeah. So he shoots, he shoots tons of dozens of kangaroos that way, just to go, jolly good time. Oh, and then he shot a black swan. I mean, at least give the kangaroo a gun. Yeah. Wait, and actually that was, that's the only time that Australians were like,

what the fuck did you just do? Like they were, everyone was mad when he shot the black swan. Well, that's because Natalie Portman is a world treasure. Not okay. Okay. So now he goes back to Melbourne and gets on his ship and heads off to Tasmania. That's a bad idea, right? I mean, I don't know much, but okay. The respectable, the respectable people of Melbourne were so horrified by

Prince Alfred's public conduct, particularly overt flirting with the wife of a municipal magnet and the fucking... With a municipal magnet? A magnet. Oh, magnet. Sorry. It's not the belt. It's, it's, it's onion man. I married something that holds paper on my fridge. It got, it got fucking auto corrected to magnet.

And then, and then... You know that magnet's not satisfying you the way a man could. Sure, it holds your pizza menu on there, but I can do that more than that. Sure, it shows your kid's grades, but what's it like in the bedroom? And it was obviously fucking all the prostitutes. So quote the respectable citizens uttered a sigh of relief when the Galatee steamed through Port Phillip. He arrived in Hobart town with 15,000 people there to greet him waving flags and lighting

the streets. 5,000 kids came to the park and sang the national anthem. Kids should not be coming to these events anymore, please. Thank you. I received the dresses. He laid a foundation stone. He went to a ball. There he met the last two surviving Tasmanian Aborigines.

We've killed all the rest, but here's the other two. William Lanny, 34 years old, wore a blue suit and a gold laced band around his cap. It was said he walked proudly with Prince Alfred knowing he had royal blood. Lanny then fell ill and died a year later, but nothing crazy went on in Tasmania as it had everywhere else. He went and planted a couple of trees in Tasmania, went to another ball. The weather was bad the whole time, then he left for Cygni. So Tasmania right now, way up here.

It's just because they didn't have the great idea to have a massive charity banquet with homeless people and crazy people and wine and trees. Actually, their disorganization played into their favor in this circumstance. But let's also note that they did kill a race of people and go, look, there's two. So they're not that great. Well, they're like Noah. Save a couple, figure it out on the sea. So he's off to Sydney.

Now, Sydney's pretty cocky at this point. They were like, look at the idiots in Melbourne and Adelaide, because they've done it more wrong. And on the 21st of January, the Galatee floats into Sydney. Prince Alfred, Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Kent, and Earl of Ulster, the second son of the Queen of Victoria has arrived. More events, more balls, more children singing. Then he was like, I want to see Briss Vegas.

Yay, so nothing happened in Sydney. So he left. He just got there and he was like, I'm gonna take off. And he went up to Brisbane for a week. Then he comes back. Brisbane went great, got a tan, shit was hot up there. Sounds like us. Yep.

So Melvin has really fucked it so far. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, Adelaide didn't agree to you. They had a religious riot. Sure, sure. It's easy to forget about that when you're caught up in this tale. Yeah, yeah.

Righto. So went to Brisbane and then back to Sydney. So in Sydney, they're planning on showing the other cities how to do it. He's greeted by the premier of New South Wales, James Martin. From the Sydney Morning Herald, quote, Sydney will do the best to avoid the gushness of the younger and less mature colonies. So it's amazing. It's a smack talk from a hundred years ago.

We're still like... Still, fuck up. How dare they. In Sydney, they have decided also to have a charity banquet. I mean, honest to God, what the actual fuck. I mean, like charity banquet should be banished. You should no longer be able to have a charity banquet. The charity banquets.

And they want to avoid the madness that has happened with the fund-raided incisors in Melbourne and Gilo. So lunch will be held in... Contarf? What? Contarf? That's Contarf. A Sydney suburb, Contarf?

Contarf? Contarf. Contarf. Are we saying Contarf? Try not. He's one of them. I'm kidding. There is a home for retired sailors.

The fundraiser will be for the home. And it's a good way for all the filthy poor people who live in the city proper to not be there. Oh, good. It's for rich people. It's a rich person suburb. It's a very short distance up the harbor. This takes place on March 12th.

But still, it attracts more people than organizers expected. So when do organizers expect something right? There are 1,554 guests. They would consume 1,182 magnums of champagne, 798 bottles of beer by the end of the day. The prince arrives and all is going well. I mean, it's just go. A young girl wrote an account of the event in her journal.

We stood under the trees near the beach and listened to the bands of which there were two, the Queen's Own and the Galatee Band. About half past one, the people began to go into the tents. Lunch. And by 2 o'clock, the ground looked almost deserted. But as we came more especially to see the prince, we did not mean to go to lunch before he came. All right.

So people are eating and they're having a good time. Sure. No one's waiting for food. The prince comes. So it's all good. Smart event. Yeah. Sure.

It's all good. All right. Next. Next. The two bands going to have a fight. She continues to write. We're doing banjos camp. At last he arrived.

Directly we saw the little fairy coming. What? Okay, guys. I feel like that's a ship. I feel like that is a ship. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a stylist.

It's not a she's not. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She's not being horribly homophobic. No. Yeah. Shit would be amazing if she was like that.

She's a little fairy. We ran along the beach to the little pier at which he would land. All the yachts slid him as he passed by. Directly the steamer came alongside. All the gentlemen of the picnic committee went to the end of the wharf and presented him with an address. Okay, so prince goes up to the tents. In a short time we managed to find places

which had just been left by some other people. So the consequences was that the only thing to be seen on the table were empty dishes, dirty plates, and bones. So we thought ourselves fortunate when we found two dusty plates, a tumbler, a champagne glass, a knife, a carving fork, and a small fork between the four of us. So they just took a bunch of dirty shit and then made their own meal. So he got there sort of late.

He missed the banquet. Well, now he's just arriving. Yeah, he's basically missed it. Everyone's done. He just arrived to a bunch of dishes with bones. Yeah, well, that's the girl saying that. The girl, it's still her tail. We're seeing it through the girl's eyes right now.

And I'm loving every minute. So the girl and her family eat their meal on the dirty plates. And then the prince was in there and he came out and he walks to another tent and they go out to watch. He had not been there long when he came out again with Sir William Manning and they walked down towards the beach in a straight line for us. The people by degrees began to disperse and the two walked alone.

The prince was going to view a display of spear throwing by a group of aborigines, which would have been nice. All right, there we go. All right, that's where our disaster is coming from. It's a nice thing. Somehow spears the whole thing. I don't like the sound of it. Nope.

As soon as they were about 60 yards from us, Annie said, we had better walk on a little. It seemed so rude to stand staring at him here. And I was just going to say something to her when we heard a sharp noise, like a Chinese cracker, the prince had been shot. What the fuck? Yay!

Ha ha ha! Woo! I missed direction. Shot. Wow. That was so tense. It's about fucking time. Who in the world feels that?

It was like, ah, something's going to catch on fire. I was not expecting a shot. Wow. They shot him. Ha. Was it the little girl? Tell me it was the little girl. Yeah.

We were watching him and we had chicken bones for lunch and then I pulled out a fucking pig. In pace. And I put one right in his belly. And he makes that one. That's for the Fedians, motherfucker! Next up, Canada! Ah, shit.

Where did he get shot? A man in a black suit walked up to Prince Alfred and shot him in the back. He fell to the ground and yelled, good god, my back is broken. I mean, that is adorable. That's different. Oh no!

My back's broken! Oh no, you've been shot, cutie pie. Got shot in your back. Mr. Manning turned around quickly and the assassin shouted, stand back! Pointed the revolver at him, shot and missed. Then he raised his gun again to shoot, but a man named Vile rushed the Ruffian

and clattered him around the body. A man named Vile? V-I-A-L, Vile. A struggle ensued and the man who, the assassin's name is O'Farrell. And O'Farrell tried to shoot the Prince again as he lay on the ground. Vile hit the gun again just as it went off

and the bullet went into the foot of a local businessman named George Thorn. Back to the little girl. Presently we saw Papa limping out of the crowd. So no, no, no, wait, wait. Wow. Like nobody else is reporting this shit. They're like, oh, we have this

nine-year-old girl's account of what happened. Yeah, oh, we've got this shit. And it's adorable. Papa was limping. The Prince is back hurt. It's the most dramatic show until ever. And we sold the Prince and my dad's dead now. What I did for my summer vacation.

I was about to scream out, oh, Papa, what is the matter? And he said, I'm shot. I'm shot. We took Papa to a seat and left him with Mama while we ran for Brandy and Water. Sorry. Why the first one?

Brandy and Water. Well, while you're making a run, you're like, I'll just get around to whatever. Fuck up. Well, I'm up. But don't have any nutmeg. We can't do Brandy Alexander. All right, all right, guys.

Last orders. What do you guys want? Who wants, what do we after? I'm going to get him water because it's, but what do we want? Wings? What are we after, guys? The people around were very kind. One lady sat us all on a seat

and told us to be quiet for Papa's sake as we should make him worse if he hurt us crying. Very calm. Dad's made sure to shut the fuck up, honey. That's very true with a, if you've ever known anyone who gets shot. We're from America. So most of our friends have been shot.

If you cry around them, they can die. Yeah, emotion. That's what we're trying to take out of the gun conversation is the emotion of it all. Right. Papa kept asking, is the prince alive? How is the prince? And when someone said the prince is alive,

Papa seemed better. Oh, thank God the royal is okay. I'll never walk again. Worth it. Meanwhile, the struggle with the assassin went on, except a bit different. People were now trying to tear him to pieces. Literally?

While the police attempted to keep him alive, it was said he cried out, I'm a Finian. God save Ireland. Was it really? I mean, this is all callbacks. And here's the great thing about this tour. I have another Finian story.

Oh my God. The police would get a hold of him and encircle him and try to drag him away towards a steamer, and then the people would break through and pull him away. This went on for some time. The crowd was just surging back and forth with tiny bits of movement toward the beach. Every shred of clothing was torn off the assassin.

He was... Papa, fuck say how much longer can this go on? Fucking naked. Holy shit, look at his tongue. He was severely beaten. His bloody body was bloody and bruised. So many women were trying to kill him that they had difficulty raising their arms to do so,

and they got close to him. Gentlemen, magistrates, clergymen, we're all a part of the group. Some of them right up front and loudest with their demands he be killed immediately. They yelled hang him. People were running around with knives from the lunch trying to stab him.

There's your lunch issue. We knew there'd be one. Women were screaming for him to be cut to pieces. Women were? Women. Cut him up. Slice him. And then I'm sure in someone in back was going,

fuck, we're not better than Melvin. The police continued to slowly inch him toward the steamer while men hung ropes over gibbets to lynch the assassin and implored the crowd to bring him over. Some men joined the police to keep him alive. It took over 30 minutes to get him away from the crowd down the beach into the steamer. So now he's on the boat.

So, so immature. You've said steam on like six times. I mean, it isn't easy. It's not easy. It's not that kind of steamer. Yeah, for sure. You're a mature woman. Sorry.

And let me guess where it was headed. Exactly, we know the city. Ten cent beer night. So they get him on the boat. Ten cent beer night. So they get him on the boat. What type of boat? And the crew.

It's a steamer and the crew on the vessel then try to run the assassin up the head mass to hang him. Like a flag. They got him on the boat. They treat him like a flag. They got him on the boat and the crew was like, let's hang him from the mass. And they're like, no, no, no, we came here to save him.

Actually, hang him at half. It's a tragedy. So then on the on the boat, which is a steamer, a giant, a giant flight breaks out between the police and the crew. And that takes another 15 minutes. And finally it's over. The police have been custody and the ship moves out. The man's name is Henry James O'Farrell.

The prince had been shot just to the right of his spine. He was taken to a tent to be cared for. The Daily Alta reported, the scene around the prince's marquee was something fearful. Numbers of ladies were seen fainting and in hysterics. Men whom no amount of danger could terrify with white faces of rage, but not through fear asked, what will they say in England? If he should die, what will his mother say?

I should have let him go to Greece. So far we've embarrassed ourselves. That's understandable. It does not look good for us. The first time they send one out and we kill it. No, it's not great. It looks terrible for you guys. Yeah, I know.

It's all poor. What this says is we were a penal colony. This whole fucking thing. Yeah, but it's their fault. They started it. I mean, maybe if they'd sent over some fucking scientists and doctors, she wouldn't do it any better. Why would anybody would have been eaten?

Yeah, it is second. He says that because the first one is a lot of eating of... Oh yeah, last night I heard a shitload about fucking cannibalism. Oh, here? Yeah. Yeah, lots of eating going on. Oh, yeah. In Sydney?

Probably in Sydney. 200 people joined hands and formed a circle around the tent in which the prince lay. That's what the doctor prescribed. Yeah. That's quick. I didn't tell any people holding hands in here. Form a circle.

He's dead. He was attended by Dr. Watson of the HMS Chalmers. Dr. Watson? Oh my god. HMS was busy? He's like, I could only recommend what we do. Outside of that, I've got no ideas. Sherlock's really the one who does the surgeries.

Now the prince had been wearing a pair of brass braces. Well, those are gone. As we do. So the bullet hit the side of the spine and was deflected back out by the braces. After they do some immediate work on him, he's taken to a local hospital where he is cared for by nurses who had just arrived and had been trained by Florence Nightingale. Of course.

Why not? Wait. And chaplain was removed from his back and word comes that he will survive. The next morning, the Sydney Morning Herald wrote that the assassin nation attempt had, quote, no connection in any way whatsoever, however remote with anything Australian. No way. No way. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Not us. Not us. Nope. Not tea. No. Just a rogue Finian.

Not a photo. It's all that is. Irish. Irish people. It's goddamn Irish, right? Jesus Christ. Them. Unbelievable.

Anyway, sorry about that parade. The crime is not home growth. It is an importation and we repudiate it. Oh no! That's where it started. Not ours! Okay, people are furious. They are angry with the Finians.

All over the country, these giant meetings are held that are called indignation meetings. I am outraged. Yeah. I am outraged. Good meeting. Good meeting. Larry, are you outraged? I am, sir.

Anyone here not outraged? Me. Get out. Get the fuck out. That's outrageous. Yes, you in the back. Alrighty. I can't hear.

You're in the right place. I'm outraged, though. Yes, no, we've been talking about that for a while. Put your fucking hand down, please. I'm very angry about what's happened. Yes, this is an outrage meeting. Put your goddamn hand down. Is anybody talking about the outrage?

We all are talking about it! God's sake! How did you even hear about this? So, at the meetings, people stand up and say how much they love the crowd. Yeah. And hate the Finians. Most Austrians felt that the scandal had shamed their integrity. Yeah.

Really? Posters appeared around town offering a reward of a thousand pounds for O'Farrell's accomplices. Those who knew O'Farrell said he was a nice man, but exceedingly excitable. Seems like the move of an excitable man. When he left the hotel, he was staying in the morning of the shooting. He threw a letter down and said, this will explain it all. Then he rushed out the door and said, this will explain it all. Now he goes.

The attempted assassination was Dublin-born and had arrived in Australia as a child at six or seven with his parents in Victoria. He failed to be ordained as a priest. Yeah, shocker. In 1855, fell into debt and began drinking heavily. He continued to focus on his failure, but not becoming a priest. O'Farrell was passionate about the cause of Ireland, but he was very erratic, possibly mentally ill, intelligent, but paranoid, very prone to living in a fantasy world of his

own creation. In January 1867, he suffered a serious mental breakdown with bouts of delirium, talking of plots to poison him, brandishing pistols, and threatening people. He started then having epileptic fits. The month he tried to kill Prince Albert, he wrote to a bishop about his ordination. He went to Sydney and stayed at Thierry's currency last hotel until asked to leave due to his strange behavior. After the shooting, he claimed to be acting as a member of the Melbourne Finneans.

He later retracted that claim and said, from continually thinking and talking of the wrong things of Ireland, I became excited and filled with enthusiasm for the subject. They need to stop calling it excitable and enthusiasm. It was under the influence of those feelings that I attempted to perpetrate the deed for which I am now called a bond to suffer. He was fucking bat shit crazy and acting alone. His lawyers tried to have O'Farrell found not guilty by reason of insanity, but O'Farrell was convicted and sentenced to death by a judge.

Prince Alfred asked that O'Farrell not be hanged and told the governor so. His sentiment carried little weight with the colonial government. What? After all that shit, to fucking show that they love the crown and how great it is, and he goes, don't kill that guy, like you're fucking, we don't want to hear your shit here. No, Rick will kill him still. This is you. The question was one of a colonial autonomy.

A minister in the colonial government said, quote, we did not think that his royal highness should interfere in the administration of our laws. Prince? Yeah. Well. Go ahead. Right? Yeah.

What the fuck? It's a fucking pile of shit. I mean, it's all about him. It's all about his fucking whore tour. And this dude shot him in the back. Yeah. And he's like, nah, it's cool. It's like, if someone rear ends you, and you're like, yeah, I don't worry about it.

It's a little bit worse than rear-ending. I think it's the exact same thing. I think, Celia, you'll back me up on this. Yep. Thank you. Feels good to have my support, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It was all by some lawyer.

Shut up. Prince Alfred made a full recovery and was well enough to resume command of the Galatee and sail for England on April 4th, 1868. On April... After a successful tour. After a wonderful tour of your fucking great country. Wow. I mean, this is the best tour since Guns N' Roses is a Metallica team.

It was a bad tour. It was a really bad tour. On April 8th, the news that O'Farrell would be executed was made public, and so he was at Darlinghurst on Monday, the 21st of April, before a large number of invited spectators, politicians, and government ministers. Many others had applied for entry, but were refused. I fucking can't get in to see the fucker. Can't believe they fucking denied it.

Jesus Christ. I'm a fucking orange man. Can I not get in there to see this fucking fitting shot? Christ almighty. Holy shit. Fucking hell. I'm not scalping fucking tickets. Two for five or something.

Fucking hell. After the shooting. Do you have last words? Uh, nope. I know what they were. Fuck, that hurts. Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck my fucking neck.

His last words were, kidding, I'm a Protestant. To Canada. After the shooting. I feel like she's Canada in the sky, and I'm going to invade it. After the shooting, there was an anti Irish Catholic and non loyalist movement, which lasted for many years. The Irish Protestant of the orange movement came into its own with its anti Catholicism making it attractive to new members.

The idea of a terrible Finians was used politically to further careers and spread terror. O'Farrell's brother peed. Sorry. Peed it. It's yeah, I should wait. But it's his brother. It's Peter. But I should check the spelling on these things.

Okay. Because that sounded like his brother masturbated for a second. O'Farrell's brother Peter attempted to shoot Archbishop Gould on the 21st of August, 1882 in Brighton, Victoria. Oh, shit. What happened? Did he shoot him in the buckle as well? And then I'd like to add this.

So someone sent me a, someone from Canada sent me a message after the Finian episode went up and they said that when they were growing up, uh, the grandparents, uh, would, if they didn't eat their vegetables, they would say the Finians are going to come for you. What? It was like they're boogeyman, but you better, you better make your bed or the Finians will come. Weren't they like the worst and inept and totally and they were like, yeah, well, if

they come, they'll kill each other outside of the house. So I'm not going to eat these Brussels sprouts. Fuck you. Think I'm an idiot. I know I'm six, but I'm not stupid. I'm not going to do shit. The Finians are here. What happened?

Uh, they fell and drowned. There wasn't even water there. I don't know how they did it, but somehow they found a way. Well, quite a lesson. That's, that's the royal tour of your wonderful country. And then they kept coming. I've been interested to find out who the second royal person was. Well, that guy was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

yeah, not interesting. No, you get some old and, you know, no, no, no, no, no, but children singing too. Children singing ends with dead boys. Nope. No, no. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. No, no, but it's great.

He just shot a little bit. I'll do one city. Darwin. Darwin! Wow. Jesus Christ. So that's it, you guys. I'm sorry.

What a good... You're learning a lot about yourselves. What a great area. Anything else? There's still some tickets for tomorrow. If you want to come to that. It's going to be this one again. Yeah!

Well, I'm going to have a... That's classic Gary, right, my man? I'm going to have a different ending. He doesn't get shot. Yeah. That'd be great. Tomorrow's Dave's version. Which embraces the Finnian culture.

My brothers... All right, well, you guys, thanks. Thank you very much for coming. We'll have posters and we'll be out there doing our thing. Give it up for the special guest. She's got to give it to Versailles. Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. Is that going to go? All right. And thank you. And there's still tickets available for the stand-up show at 8.30. All right. Thank you. We love you.

Don't forget that.