The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 112 - The Past Times with Francesca Fiorentini

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are rejoined by comedian and Bitchuation Room host Francesca Fiorentini. Redbubble Merch   Factor - Code tpt50off

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They do it all. You can sell content. You can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site by adding a paywall. You can sell memberships. You can sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment.

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When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com stressed all up to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We're going on tour and this is- It's been a while. March, 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th, and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Maybe our favorite city ever. We have never loved a city. Truly the best city we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th, and then we go to Oklahoma City, which is- The best, our favorite, we often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one, the best city I've ever been to.

That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're gonna be in Tulsa Oklahoma our favorite city without question and then we head to Dallas Texas on March 20th our favorite city there's never been a better city than Dallas if you don't like it you're a Dal asshole thank you and then we go to Houston Texas on March 23rd the best city which is by far the best city and then we end our tour in Austin Texas on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city. In the entire world.

Number one city. Number one city in the world. You can get tickets at dollarpodcast.com slash tour. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. All right, everybody. Welcome to the past times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Francesca Fiorentini. Hello, Francesca. Thank you for joining us again. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited. Are you? To go back to a time. I am.

Back to a time when journalism existed. And just like another, the different time, any other time than this time. Get the soapbox out. Any other time. Because here's the thing about the air quality index is that actually, tin foil hats aren't a bad idea. Let's say this quickly because you seem very opinionated, which is something you do on the bituation room, which is your show, which is actually a fantastic show.

It's not as sassy as this just was because this was a little out of nowhere. But a great show. You have great guests. I have, through your show, learned about a lot of people who I should have known about and didn't because I'm an idiot. I no longer make the comedians sit through the political pundits and activists. Well, when I've done it, you bring them on last. Yeah, but I've decided that the comics sometimes I'm like, I don't want to hurt their brains anymore.

So I just let them go. And I like that part. I do like I as I will say it from my, from my perspective, you want to stay on. Well, it should be an option that, yeah, man, everyone should check out the Bituatio Room podcast. Also, I have a live show at the Ice House that I, we just sold out January, but February 19th.

It's a Wednesday, 730 PM at the Ice House that I, we just sold out January, but February 19th, it's a Wednesday, 730 p.m. at the Ice House in Pasadena, calling it New World Disorder, a night of political comedy. You know? Sounds just, we don't do political stuff. Everything's going as it should. Well. I mean, like, truly yes, if we're being honest.

As we were promised. How are you gonna get invited to the inauguration if you don't boot suck? Thank you. That's the question. I just didn't, we couldn't actually see Rogan in the audience because he is five too. Come on. We should have given him an apple box. You guys.

An apple box. Well, you know what we need to do? We need to cut an inch or two out of Baron and give it to Joey Boy. That's what we need to do. Baron, I'm concerned about the size Barron is becoming. Barron is just three illegitimate children standing on top of one another in a trench coat. He is way too tall.

It is very Alice in Wonderland, like truly Alice in Wonderland shit. Genuinely, there should be some sort of vote to get him to stop growing. Trump should put that up for a vote. No, what about what if he has gigantism and he just keeps going? I'm back in. I'm back in. If he's too big, like, you know, sort of physically and just like just as a presence, I feel like Trump will have him killed for sure. I worry that he's our next president.

But yes, anyway, but but at the past, how about the past? The past. Well, also, I was going to say this. We're having your husband on the next episode and our producer Burns had a terrible idea, like we can newlywed game this. So let me ask you this. Oh, boy. If you were to newlywed.

Well, if you were to guess Matt's favorite movie, what would you say it is? Pfft. Oh god, this is going to be something. Oh boy. Favorite movie? Yeah. Yes.

This is a good question. I mean, Matt will just rewatch- It's three men and a baby. That's what it is. It's going men and a baby, that's what it is. It's gonna be, it's really corny, but his favorite movie is some Scorsese bullshit. It's some basic ass, you know. Goodfellas or something?

Yeah, no, it's like he's watched Departed a lot. Departed's a good movie. And he, oh, no, this is not Scorsese, obviously not this one, but I would say The Godfather. Godfather 2 is probably... He's a mafia guy. Between 1 and 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a classic. Can I ask you what you think his favorite meal is or his last meal, if you were to pick it? His last meal was at like 11 p.m. in San Francisco. No, no, no, on death row, on death row. Oh, death row? Well, I think his last meal was at like 11 p.m. in San Francisco. No, no, no, on death row, on death row. Oh, death row? Well, I think it's like... That's a much easier question.

No, no, no. What did Matt last eat? No, well, I don't actually know. The last time I, so he's out of town. Last time he was out of town, he ate like Sbarro's pizza at 12 p.m. at night and then woke up at 4 a.m. with a kidney stone. So.

If you're eating Sbarro outside of the airport, you're asking for, or mall, you're asking for major. Yeah, it wasn't actually Sbarro. I'm being shittier. It was just New York pizza. You're on the Jersey Turnpike at that point. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. No, his last meal would probably be the meal

that he ate last night, which I'm assuming is it's a Jack in the Box. It's Jack in the Box with like, which is like all the egg rolls, the jalapeno poppers, and he likes the, he likes the egg rolls and the jalapeno poppers. Oh my gosh. This is awesome. Okay. All right. Jack in the Box has egg rolls?

It's the, yes. It's the thing that will most likely give you E. coli. Jack in the Box has become like Cheesecake Factory fast. Seriously? Yes, they are like, name it, we'll try it. Yeah, tacos, egg rolls, it's. I mean, I just haven't been to any of these places

in literally decades, so I can't even. I know. I did do, I did do a grilled cheese from Jack in the Box because I was just you know. And I'll be honest it's not terrible. No. Jack in the Crack was the thing that cleaned up their act first right because they had the equal outbreaks first and then they were like alright. They did it before it was cool. They killed like 18 people. We'll wash our hands. Dave, Dave, stop.

Vallejo, California. I remember. I know the exact... We don't look at them as victims. So what are you going to ask him about me? Are you going to ask what my favorite meal is? No. All right.

Well, what would you say your favorite movie is? Movie? Yeah. My favorite movie is The Breakfast Club. All right. We'll ask him that. And then we'll ask him what your last breakfast was. What was that?

Like what I ate? Yeah. Um, a smoothie, which my daughter calls pooni, which is very funny, so I just call it my pooni. Okay, well, that's the end of this part. That sounds a little too, um, okay. I'm not very comfortable at this point. It's not great. Um, all right, Francesca, take a guess

at what year this paper is going to be from. Uh, I don't know. You know the deal. Could be super old. Could be super recent. I don't know. I always think they're like turn of the century. That's an easy way to go. It's always easy.

Yeah. The 20th century though. The 21st century. Whatever. Please. Why do they do that? Why do they do that? Just to be fucking assholes?

Yeah. It's confusing. tell me people. Just so that you stammer, so you're like, the 21st century and they're like, mhm, mhm, mhm. Yeah. You fool. Why, that's not the future at all.

Mhm. Okay, no, I'll go with like 1915. Good one, that's good. I'll go 1858. Can we point out that we're doing this early and when we did this, Dave and I both lamented the fact that we looked sleepy and Francesca said, Dave, you don't look sleepy. Gareth, you do look like you just got up. Go ahead, Dave.

Well, Dave always looks sleepy, so I just- Thank you. Way to recover. Way to recover. Way to recover that one. Francesca, so close. 1930. Way to recover, way to recover. Way to recover that one. Um, it is... Francesco, so close. 1930.

Okay. It's February 6, 1930. It is... Teutopolis, Illinois? Right. We got rid of... What the hell was that? That was where Superman worked. Yeah, definitely where Superman worked.

I'm just thinking of a place where everyone has to wear two tops like Steve Bannon, just layered. That's my utopia. Two top. One for the dandruff, one for the sweat. Excuse me, sir, your midriff isn't showing. Can you get that up? Here in Tubetopolis, we practice a bit of a different law. Tubetopolis. Sugar Ray is constantly playing.

Sugar Ray's on. It's like a weird demolition man world. Tubetopolis. It's a village in Effingham County. Effingham? Yeah, not Effingham. That's a great, yeah. That's a village in Effingham County. Effingham? Yeah, not Effingham. That's a great, yeah. We caught the mayor screwing a pig.

We'll call it Effingham. It is a population of 1,618 in 2020, so it had to have been tiny back then. And it's between St. Louis and Indianapolis. Okay. That's not actually... That's the right one. That is Illinois. Yeah, that is Illinois. That's... You can say that about anywhere in Illinois. Well, that's between... Yeah. Well, it's directly between them. So it's like... You know what, Gareth? You see him stepping to me, Francesca? This is what happens when he's groggy.

He might not look it, but he's sassing like it. Are you still driving, Gareth? I'm allowed to drive, yeah. What did you hear? No, no, no, are you still off planes? I'm rarely on planes. I'm mainly driving. Got it, got it, got it.

So you would know. Especially when I'm on planes. I'm mainly driving. Got it, got it, got it. So you would know. Especially when I'm on planes. I just drove. I just drove to... Tubetopolis. To Tubetopolis, yeah. And I'll tell you, their laws are very difficult for the people in winter. It is very cold there, and I'll tell you, they would love to have those tummies covered, but the law of the land is the law of the land. Pretty soon the Republicans will make it illegal to wear masks on planes.

So pretty soon Republicans will make it illegal for me to drive to my shows. I hope so. Do you really think that's coming? Yes. Not driving? Well, I mean, I think I would probably lose the right to drive first. Yes. But masks on planes is definitely, yeah, that's happening.

100%. Yeah. Because of the level of, because it makes people uncomfortable? Yeah, because it makes people who don't want to wear a mask upset. It's the fragile majority. It's the fragile majority, these are babies,

the babies are the fragile. I still think if one airline would have just be like, we're masking, they would do so well. Yeah, people, if they had masked lights. Well, considering airlines are run by the people and Very humble Delta did not delta is not the reason we have the masking policy that we have or the five days when you have COVID Be any who's will be the 1930 in tube top

So right here on the front page, Tuesday evening after school, the Titopolis High School Midgets defeated the grade school basketball team by a score of 8 to 7. Titopolis High School girls defeated the grade school, what did you guys? Well, go ahead. Please. So it's Midgets then, I guess, The nomenclature is not obviously there. Not only that, for it to be heralded as an apex predator in high school sporting is... This is whose entertainment is this?

So your eighth graders are going against Midgets? No. Well, no, no. Now, that I'm actually quite... Okay, let's hear. Or no, that's their name.'m actually quite OK. Let's hear. That's their name. I think it's like their school name like Wildcats. I think the school is called grade school.

I don't think it's a younger. That's a very confusing thing for them to do. Yes. And then I think Teutopolis, they just yeah, they went with midgets for their mascot. OK. I don't think they're calling. I they went with midgets for their mascot. Ah, okay. I don't think they're calling, I don't think they're saying these little people. It's not like a team of midgets. Or, or, or, or, hold on, maybe everyone at this school is a little person.

That I like. I like that. I like to imagine that. Most schools are little people. I think if Brad Williams were here, he would allow us to really have some fun with this. But also, can I also point out the pathetic score? Watching an eight to seven basketball game? Basketball game? But how?

It'd be a nightmare. But I mean, I guess the midgets were not suited. No, no, back then games were shorter suited. Back then, games were shorter. They were shorter. They were about 15 minutes. I was shocked that the midgets got the seven, right? And you had to throw underhand back in 1930. Imagine losing to the midgets in basketball.

But the next one is the Teutopolis High School girls defeated the grade school girls 22 to 8. So the girls... The grade school girls 22 to 8. So the girls... The grade school girls just suck. Grade school girls were like me doing in basketball. B-team, sometimes A-team supplement. One time I made a basket, one time I fouled a girl, but only because she stopped in front of me and I ran into her like a boss.

Is that true? Did that really happen? Yeah. That's insane. So athleticism. Did you not know you could stop? Athleticism, I know I could stop. Yeah, I just didn't see that she had stopped. Here's the thing about when, let me just explain to you,

one of the happiest moments in my life, obviously daughter born, but being on the A team for just one game, because they needed me, and actually scoring. Ooh. Scoring. Scoring felt. Oh. Scoring. Scoring felt so good. Scoring was really quite a feeling.

If we're being honest, the skill, yeah. I remember my first soccer goal. You feel so superhuman. I was like, no, it's good. My first soccer goal came in a horrendously rainy game, and it was the sloppiest shit ever. But my brain couldn't process that I'd done the, I'd like achieved the greatest thing you can in the,

I was like, huh huh. What kind of goal was it? What, it was soccer. Yeah, I know, but what kind, like how was it? What was it like? It was like a terrible like, oops, I've barely kicked that ball, but thank God for rain. Now it's slowly surfing towards the goalpost,

and the sloppy little muddy boy can't get on his feet. And oh my God, it barely touched the back of the net, but that'll count. And then you felt like a superhero. And then I was like, I need this. I talk and shit. You don't fuck, you don't come into my fucking house. I did like the slide, like the Ronaldo slide.

Like, woo! You took off your shirt. Pew, pew! Yeah, lifted my shirt up to expose my midrib. Kiss to God. Yeah. Let me tell you, let me tell you what happened. Without him, none of this is possible.

You're like, is there a dad at eight? None of this is possible. Should he have champagne? Where's he going? Not a championship. Where are we going? Championship. Let me tell you, I went to my kid last week. We're going to the championship. We're going to the championship. Let me tell you, I remember my kid last week, he hit a ground rule double.

It was by far the hardest hit ball of the game. He hits a ground rule double, bases loaded, squashes two runs. And this is like, gets to second, and the kid on second on the other team looks at him and goes, Holy shit, you work out, bro? Because he's huge. And he told me that and I was like, it's like your ultimate dream. Like you hit a double and then a guy's like, look at your muscles.

Your enemy. He was just like, yeah. Did he tell you or did you hear it? He told you that the guy said that? He told me, he told me. They're miking kids up for these games now. They are miking them up. They're miking kids for the games.

But he said that and I was like, man, nothing like that ever happened to me. That's crazy. Now, the comedian version of that is like, do you write all your own stuff? Like you come on stage and someone's like, do you write all that? Yeah, I do. But then you're like, Chubby, you're like, I don't feel good. I've been eating a lot of french fries on the road.

I hit 10,000 steps in a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Indoor baseball notes. Okay, I'm upset already. I'm upset. Right now I'm upset. Why? I mean, I guess it is February. We don't do baseball indoors.

Oh, stop it. Have you ever been to Tube Topperville or whatever it's called? Tube Toppolis? Tube Toppolis. Tube Toppolis. Tube Toppolis, I understand. Toop-topper-ville or whatever it's called? Tup-top-ol-ous? Tup-top-ol-ous. Tup-top-ol-ous. Tup-top-ol-ous, I understand. Last Monday evening, the married men and young women of the village played a lively game of indoor baseball at Society Hall.

Now it's weird. The married men and young women, it sounds like they're not married to one another. Young men. Did I say women? Young men. Yeah, okay. The married men and young men. So. Oh, you said women, young men. So basically they could've just said.

Couldn't we just say men? All the men. The men, men, a bunch of men. It sounds more nambla than that. Sounds like a. Well maybe there's a. It does. Maybe there's someone that's in between there, like.

Engaged men? The married men and the young boys. Yeah, married. Yeah, what's the in-between? Indoor baseball. What does that mean? Never heard of it? Well, maybe there's old guys who are single that are not allowed.

Old single guys. Oh, no old men in the club. I see. I think those guys should be allowed. That's a different team, the Garris, and everyone's like, ooh, here they come. I feel uncomfortable. What's their deal? You say the Garris?

How much longer can this go on? Next team you're playing is the Bachelors for Life. All right, this is the commitment issues. The next team you're playing is I watched my parents' marriage and I don't think I want to do that. Hey, the fear loves are coming. Here come the fuck boys,

they're stepping up to the plate. Their hats turned backwards so we can see their bleached blonde tips. Getting a slow start, he has to take a selfie before he takes off. He's looking to post, he's asking everyone for captions. They're all pitching in, this is what they do, guys. The game was full of pep and stunts,

which elicited much laughter from a goodly number of ball fans, both old and young. We don't have the word goodly anymore. Goodly means to come back. Yeah, I agree, but there's nothing really goodly anymore. But I mean like a lot. Very negative. Goodly anymore good needs to come back. Yeah, I agree, but there's nothing really goodly anymore, so But I mean like a lot very negative. Yeah, okay, all right How much did you eat? How many egg rolls did you have met a goodly amount? You know diarrhea will be goodly

So I like I like to drink good least done swimming. That's that I just want her to picture her husband having liquid poop. OK. Our doors are thin. I can hear it. She's already, oh, god. That's how you know it's love. That first weekend at a hotel, we were like, well, here.

Let's talk. I didn't shower seven times. I'm not feeling good. Wait, why do you shower seven times? I didn't get that one. You turn the water on, cover the nose. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I never got that.

That's why if you stand on a loft, a loft is like, how about a little window into the toilet? You're like, hey, loft, don't do that. The Past Times is brought to you by Factor. Chef made gourmet meals, make eating super easy. They're dietitian approved, which you need. The meals are fresh, fully prepared, perfect for any active, busy lifestyle, which you have.

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They're crisp. They're clean. They're easy to use. You don't have to update stuff. Look, we've said this over and over again, but if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with and it is Squarespace. Oh yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the-

Flexible employees too. Those people are- It's weird. Okay. You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful. They do credit cards, Apple Pay, all the stuff, PayPal. They do it all. You can sell content, you can sell your exclusive stuff

right on their site by adding a paywall. You can sell memberships, you can sell courses, whatever, you can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving

payment. Am I allowed to speak? Because I think that's a good point. No, go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm gonna say it again, go to squarespace.com for free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com

slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Tell Francesca what you found in the Houston Aloft. So we were in the Aloft, we were on the road, and I, whatever, checked in. Aloft, very straightforward, you know what you're gonna get. Always be-

You mean like the franchise aloft? Yes. Yeah. Uh-huh. And I see above the microwave safe coffee maker station, a little something on the top shelf, and I'm a curious gentleman. I still probably have my backpack on at this point,

like I'm that new to the room. I'm like, what the hell's up there? Because I'm like, did they put stuff up there? And I grab it. And it was after the public helped determine what it was, it was a used douche. Used douche. Oh, a used douche.

Now, how much did you have to sort of manhandle it before you realized what it was? I immediately recognized that it was an apparatus. I wasn't sure what it was. I thought enema. I didn't even know what, I don't know what douches look like. Look at the right side of your screen. It looks like.

I really hope when you guys edit this you put yourself on the right side of this game. You bastard. I think it just kind of looks like... It's like a squirter. But it had some coloring. It was like see-through, but then there was some water. Now how did you, did you take it down to the front desk? And like, what is this?

No, I did what you're supposed to do. I made a video and posted it right away, and then Alof started DMing me going like, hey, we're super sorry about that. That's mine, I was looking for that. You never got a free room or anything. I don't remember. Would you like a breakfast? But what I don't remember. Would you like a breakfast?

But what I didn't want. Would you like a douche? What I didn't want. That's not supposed to be used. I didn't want the maids to, for the maids to now have to check the high third row shelf. I didn't want them to be like, you didn't do your job. It's like, you're in a loft.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, the problem with reporting something like that is because it's really the responsibility of the asshole who douched and put it up on a high shelf. But you don't want a maid to lose their job. Yeah. Sure. No, I know. That's hard.

So what I did was I requested the maid come to my room and I berated her and squirted her with douche water." By the way, in French, showering is called douching. Isn't that funny? My favorite douche story. Wow. Here we go. No, you know how everyone's downloading Xiao Hong Shu, the Red Note app right now, which I love, and I love how bad the translation is. I can't even do bad translation. My brain's not working to do it poorly.

It just reminds me of how bad translation is in China. When I visited China, I was in a hotel and there was a little basket of toiletries and there was a douche, but it obviously wasn't like a plastic thing. It was just, I guess, one that you put in and it dissolves. I don't know, something awful to just make your vagina smell. No, yeah, it's like for your poony. It's like Alka Seltzer for your poony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and so I was reading the instructions, I turned it around, I was like, what is this? Turn it around, and step one in English, shove in cunt. Oh my God. It was so good. I can't believe I didn't keep it. I like, I was.

You know, I actually have that tattooed right on my pubis. Yeah, shove in cunt. With an arrow pointing down. Step one, step two. Just wait. Gets a step two, just wait. Gets a lot of lulls in the moment. Wow. Shove in cunts.

Just no respect. It's the... I love Chinese, because I love... Imagine just not giving a fuck. I love that. We visited a place with drums and there was a sign. It's basically the sign supposed to to say don't hit the drums Do not beat drums and it just said no louding and that's just

You know, that's like that would be so great to go there to do one of those tattoos We're like it means the wind whispered to my family and they're like it actually means shoving cunt Walking around with shovingcunt just right here. Shove-in-cunt, yeah. Or here. It means the willows. Oh, Jesus Christ, that's amazing. All right, and.

All right, Teutopolis, are we still here? I don't know. Yep, this is an hour timeout, the game between the married men and young men. The game was full of pep and stunts, which elicited much laughter from a goodly number of baseball fans, old and young. The final score was 22 to 9 in favor of the elder and young Benedict.

22 to 9. The married guys won. No, in favor of the young. The elder and young. So I don't know what that means. Maybe they play together? What? Well, then you just...

We need a team name. They need a team name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. a team name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, two team names a weekly repetition of this innocent game. Just say they're gonna do it every week Yeah, which requires great physical exertion and agility and no molesting This is all sounds like it's for the women in the village. Like this really innocent game where very agile, strong, smart men who don't need to do the dishes or clean up around the house go to get away from your bitch ass. I bet you the game didn't happen and it was just some sort of Roman orgy and then they

just put this in just being like, and it was a regular game. What's the score? What do you mean to say the score was? The score was equal to a little more. Perfect. Okay. But like, that's the other thing, like 22 to nine, like they just did that to like, troll the women in the villages

if they didn't know like baseball, 22? Yeah, 22 is high. How many innings were we talking about? With back then innings, it was like, what? 15 innings? It, 22 is high. How many innings were we talking about? With back then innings, it was like, what? 15 innings? It was a day game. It was like cricket.

I don't know. An inning was a day. And the whole game was different. Like you could hit it backwards. You could hit it backwards, buddy? What's that? What the hell is that? No fouls?

You used to be able to hit the ball backwards. Yeah, there were no fouls for a long time in baseball. Over the catcher? Well, you have to run behind you? The catcher would stand like 20 or 30 feet behind the plate. Oh, kind of like cricket, I guess. Yeah, it was crickety, yeah. And then it slowly changed and became better

because cricket's really a monstrous game. Watch it. I'll tell you what baseball doesn't have is a lunch break. Keep going. Library Drive on at THS. Where's your tag? So that's high school, it's gotta be the high school. They didn't say for the majors or anything.

When Mr. Clevenger, the high school visitor from the University of Illinois, made his report after his inspection of our new high school, what the fuck just happened? So a guy came to inspect the high school from the University of Illinois? I've done that. You've inspected high schools? Absolutely. You had to have a guy, there was always a guy. You always the high school from Illinois. I've done that you've inspected high schools. Absolutely

Yeah, it's a guy. There's always a guy. I don't have a single guy there to inspect the school Usually he's really he like sings R&B and stuff and yeah, nice car. I have a whistle I frisk the kids. It's a whole thing and it's totally fine. It's a thousand bottles of lube or something. Yeah Well, he was there what is your? No, I'm just confused. It seems like Porky's ish. What's his title? Just- Yeah.

He doesn't have a title. Exactly. It's Guy from the Place. Yeah. It's Guy from the University of Illinois. Do we mean a cop? Is this a cop? I don't know.

It's like a 21 Jump Street. It's like 45 with a mustache. I'm a junior. Hey, where do you think the drugs are located? Anyone got any leads? I mean, pals. He included the fact that the library is not large enough for a school of its size.

Imagine that time. Yeah, imagine when they were like, library's not big enough now. Unfortunately, there's not enough knowledge for the masses in here. Why is there a book room when there should be sports happening? Yeah. To be fair, the Dewey Decimal System really did take up a fuck ton of space. Those cards.

Do you remember that? As I was learning it, I was like, this will not be relevant, and I don't even use computers right now. I agree. It was truly, what I'd do is I'd go over, I'd pull it out, I'd look for a second, and then I'd go to the librarian and be like, hey, what is this book on frogs?

Oh, that's what everybody did. And then she'd be like, well, you see all the points? I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you show me, please? You don't have anything, could you walk me over there, please? Yeah, just tell me the place. You're a state employee, walk me over there.

I mean, thinking that the general public was ever gonna understand that, and librarians would have to walk people over, that's the crazy part. Shows you the hubris of Dewey. I, you know, more like the DEI decimal system. Got him. DEI somewhere, got it.

Got it, somewhere it's in there. You'll find it, write it down and workshop it. But this could also, fuck you, this could also be. Agreed. This could also be one of those restrictive, if your library isn't yay size and whatever that you get it revoked. Kind of like abortion clinics and stuff.

You're like, no, not big enough. We're sorry. Hold on. For a giraffe. Francesca, we're trying to not dip into abortion. The present. Well, there wasn't abortion right then either. So it's actually. Oh, here we go. You're still doing it. So that's why I said, don't have ladies on the show. You know, we should just do do.

That's why we're excited for Matt's appearance. He's just gonna talk about jalapeno poppers and baby tacos. The past time's under Trump 2.0, it's just gonna be a whole other. Come on. Meanwhile, when women aren't around, you're like, I don't know what I'm going on.

No, we won't. I'm scared. We'll finally be able to. I fucking listen to you, you bitch ass libs. I'm so scared, I'm so scared. You're not gonna call us libs. But then a woman comes on and you're like, shut up, ho. I'll believe you

I thought you know what I did. I thought it might get charged. I Was like I don't know the crime. Yes with a crime I'd have to walk out with it in my cunt. See that's the problem Can I just say You say the show is different under Trump. You're really freeing the locker room talk with your the way you're using console liberally I think I'm allowed to say it on the show's different under Trump, you're really freeing the locker room talk with your, the way you're using cunt so liberally, I think I'm allowed to say it on the show for once. Of course you are. Yeah, this is cool.

Hey, let's do the R word. This is fun. You read that Financial Times article? Financiers are like, yeah, we can finally say the R word. Shocking. like, yeah, we can finally say the R word. It's shocking. It's shocking to think of all the things over time that the freedom of speech people have fought for and what Lenny Bruce went to jail for, only to watch us remove a word that I,

when we first started the dollop, got shit for saying a couple times, not in a derogatory way, but in the way that you're just like, that's stupid, to eliminate it and then to be like, we need that word back and to watch it be celebrated is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. I would call it the R word if I felt comfortable. I do believe in bringing the R word back, but only for one person. And we know who that person is because he really is acting like a big effing R. It's

just this one guy. It's this one guy. we all know he is. Just say Matt's name. Yeah. It's the guy who ate tacos last night. It's the guy who at 11 p.m. was like, I'm starving. Well, I did his show recently and he did confess about how he sneaks DoorDash sometimes.

And he will disarm the ring camera in order to eat his DoorDash. What? He made that up to make you laugh. No. Of course he did. He made that up to make you not know. All right there is plenty of shelving space but that more books are needed on the shelves. That is why the High School Student Body is conducting a drive this week to secure books and money for books for the school library. Yeah, you remember book drives? Remember we actually did care about having more books or like, although the magazine

drive I was never really sure about whether we were just kind of working on behalf of like people and Cosmo. We were making people money. Making a bunch of magazines. The magazine drives. They abused us. Yeah, that was money. OK, that was money. Book drives legit, probably. Book drives legit, but you know there were a couple of weirdos

who just snuck in their little pamphlets in this, you know, like there were just some guys. Oh, put a little zine in there? Yeah, there were a couple of zine folk. Yeah, putting in their weird little. Yeah, yeah. This is my, I have a little pamphlet called Shove it in your cunt. Yeah. Yeah. Bring in their little. Zine. Yeah. Yeah. This is my I have a little pamphlet called Shove it in your cunt. Yeah. And that's a step by step.

Yeah. You just some guys just like handing in like the great Gatsby, but then also and then my personal Zine recipes for poop. What would your Zine be? If you had a Zine, what would it be? It's a really good question. It's like, what do you want people to know? I know. Mine would just be called what the fuck just happened.

Yeah, that would be Dave's. Yeah. I definitely think mine would. History? Anything. Probably modern, you know. It would be Dave observing. Dave would probably do present day and history a nice melange

of both. Because a lot would be his present reactions to things that are going on. Half of my texts to Gareth are an article of then what the fuck just happened. It's just a zine. Gareth's like, you should really make this a zine. There are tons of times where I'm like, where did you find this? I do find stuff that's pretty amazing. He finds stuff that I'm like, who is this guy?

And he's like, who is this guy? And he's like, this guy's been right about everything. Hey. Are you helping? Have you any books you could give them? Friday, February 7th is Tag Day. Everybody in town will want to wear a tag to show cooperation.

Oh boy. It's getting weird. And then just put on your compliance sticker. That's fine. The high school students. Back then they tagged readers. You know what I mean? That's coming back.

Strange was. It's like that Bill Hicks joke. Looks like we got ourselves a reader. You know that happened to me. Do you add someone? Me and two comedians are touring in the South. I want to say Georgia, but it could have been Mississippi. But we were walking across like a mall parking lot.

And for some reason, a store alarm just starts going off. And we're just like, oh, that's weird. And then we just keep walking to the hotel and all of a sudden a cop car rolls up and my buddy has a backpack and they're like, get against the car. And they open up the backpack and they're like, what is, what, what are these?

And my friend's like, it's just books. And he's like, what do you have books for? Swear to God, swear to God, what do you have books for? And then my friend, he's a comedian, he just starts laughing and falling on the ground. And that made the whole situation so much worse. Because he's like laughing, he goes, it's like the Hicks bit.

And he's like on the, and the whole thing just gets worse. Right there, it's like, that's not the best last name for that. No, no. It's like what Hicks said. What do you call it a Hick? What happened? Which is like.

He ended up letting us go, but I was just like like that with like we almost got killed because of books like it Was crazy. He kept like catcher in the rye and now You know, yeah now he'd know he'd make sure you like that cop. Yeah, he's almost done reading it The cop is yeah, he's almost done. Oh the car more chat. I doubt he's almost done. I still don't understand the first part What's it called? How come section how come everybody's a phony? Why does this guy think everybody's a phony this attitude is gonna bite him eventually Chapter four I hated was it Conrad Conway Conrad Holden Caulfield. I

Hated that book. I loved it. Hey, did you? It's good. Yeah, I did like it little kid Speaks to people in Wisconsin, but that's refined people like more mass shooters though should just read it Like we when I was but I was not like after they do the shooting before I was an angry teen I was all that shit and I didn't I was just like what the fuck is it? Oh, I was like that I was definitely like I got to smoke cigarettes more. I mean, I was already smoking teen. I was all that shit. And I didn't. I was just like, what the fuck is this? Oh, I was like that. I was definitely like, I got to smoke cigarettes more. I mean, I was already smoking a lot of cigarettes.

Yeah. But I was definitely like, and my mom would say something. I'd be like, maybe you should be quiet. You big phony. She's like, what's going on with you? I was like, that sounds like phony talk. This is like me coming out of Clueless going like, whatever. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's phony. As if. And we were like, we would, me and my other 13-year-old friend were like trying to understand sort of the usage, the grammatical usage of as if, you know, and really like, no, this would be an as if and that wouldn't be an as if. You're doing it wrong if you're trying to find the grammar link. You're like.

But wait. I guess so. High school students are distributing tags. A yellow tag on your coat Friday tells everybody you've helped along by giving at least 25 cents in money or a book of that value. Aw. Okay. It's weird. That's what books are worth now for resale.

Yeah, seriously. A red tag shows you- That's what books are worth now for resale. Yeah, seriously. A red tag shows you've given at least 50 cents in money or a book of that value. A blue tag shows you've given at least a dollar or a book of that value. So, it's fucking, so we fucked, it's really bad. This is bad. It's nice in a way.

Is it? And then, yes. It's like everything, it's like everything. It's a slippery slope. We're slowly going like, and then black tags should be killed. Yeah. We just want you to judge your neighbors. Everything can be squid game so easily.

The class was conforming. The cultural elite was started in, what is it? Tube. Tubitopolis. Tubitopolis. Tubitopolis. I thought you were gonna say tube-topolis. Yeah, we know. Two, two-top- Tubitopolis. Tubitopolis. I thought you were going to say tube-topolis. Yeah, we know.

Tube-topolis. There's no tube! Yeah, there is. That's how you get around the city, the tube. Let's go. Everybody helping. The job will be a success. Each student is trying to bring in at least $2.00.

Encourage them by helping reach this goal. Buy a tag. Wear a tag Friday. I don't like it. I like it in a small town. $2 encourage them by helping reach this goal buy a tag wear tag Friday. Oh I don't like I don't like it. It's a good cause but let's face it. It's try that in a small town Here's a recipe Apple snow That's when you do a coke through a gala

You haven't done coke to a pink lady? I've done that. It's so different. It's way different. Grate two large apples into a bowl containing the white of an egg and one... No. Already off. Nope.

Out. Out. Just watching it drop into the... That's how bird flu started. I mean. I mean. Also in this economy, no. I honestly, yeah right. White of an egg?

You gotta use a whole egg. Shut the fuck up. I went and looked at eggs the other day and I just started laughing. They were so. By the way, Dave, but you've been asked to stop going to look at the eggs. They've said buy or leave, enough.

Enough peering into the glass case with your hand on there like an orphan. Looking at a rich family carving a turkey. I could have fertilized all of them and make them people chickens. May I be the father to this dozen? All right sir, get the fuck out of here. What?

I wanna make chick daves. I think it'd be Dave chicks. Dave think it'd be Dave-Chicks. Dave-led eggs. Dave-led eggs. And one half cupful of powdered sugar beat with an egg beater until the mixture is light and stiff, serve in a tall glass with a spoonful of whipped cream and a maraschino cherry.

Wait, they didn't, they're not cooking the egg whites. No, this is the problem with some of them. I think you need to hit it with a little heat. I don't think you do because think of eggnog. I don't think you do. Is that eggnog? Is that what you're talking about? No, but eggnog is just raw egg.

Is it? Yeah, but meringue, I feel like. Yeah, that's why. This sounds like a cocktail. It's basically like the way you do like a little egg white in a cocktail and that makes it brothy. It's that. Yeah, that's what I mean.

But there's no booze in it. No, there should be. That is a good note. It's gross. You are, it's that. Yeah, that's what I mean. But there's no booze in it. No, there should be. That is a good note. You are your father's son. It's apples and egg and then just tons of sweet stuff. Yeah, that's how it works. I'm upset. That's how it works in Chicago.

I'm back in if I'm being total. You're back in? Would you eat it? Yeah, and I will be throwing some rum in it. I will throw rum in it. Okay, Gareth, I want you to try this and report back. Okay, you got a fucking deal. What's about a dry January?

I'm gonna run out of dry January so fast. Are you doing dry January? Yeah. I feel like I recommit to drinking every January. I'm just like, no. What I do is a sopping December and it really helps me get into dry January. Okay, okay, okay. That last two weeks of December, I'm like death row.

I'm like, let's fucking, I'm about to go. So I drink nice and hard. But then this year, this is what got pathetic this year. And this, I, I, I. Oh, as opposed to, as opposed to just getting shit faced. Quiet, Dave's the son of an alcoholic, he's against partying. So, I, this is what I did this year, which is bad.

And I've been made fun of by my friends a lot for this and I expect it here too. Jingle all the way, drunk as hell. I got into champagne. Oh Christ. And so it was not even. What do you mean got into champagne? Got into the champagne or got it,

like started liking champagne? Started liking champagne. This happened with Rush when I was 33. I started to like Rush out of nowhere. This started to happen with champagne. This started to happen with champagne where This started to happen with champagne, where I started going, I like champagne. And champagne is really not strong,

and you can't drink a lot of it. It's the worst. So I wasn't even getting drunk. I was just like drinking like two thirds of a bottle and then being like, I'm sleepy. I've never done nitrous, but it seems like it's like the nitrous. Ask me any question.

You've never done nitrous. No, seems like it's like the nitrous. Ask me any question. You've never done nitrous. No, but like because it's the quickest way to feel buzzed and the biggest drop. And it's a heavy, it's a heavy drop. It is a heavy buzz. And a terrible drop. But that's why you keep going. Oh, I've puked. I've puked so much from shitty champagne to too. You know the bottomless mimosa bullshit?

Or like, hey, we're doing a Valentine's Day. It's an event-braid event. And I'm like, sure, why not? I'm okay, I'll do it. Valentine's Day, I was with my ex at the time. And I ended up just like, yeah, puking in the entryway of a bank and then crying in the shower and be like, I ruined.

Sure. Valentine's Day. Can I ask what bank? I think it was a Chase. Then it's okay. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, I mean, that was just direct action. I try to puke in a lot of Chases.

It was very important. I just closed two Chase accounts because my bank was First Republican. They got bought by Chase. That's right. I went in and I was like, I would like to close my accounts and they're like, oh, can I ask why? I go, because I hate Chase. And they were like, okay.

I did that. I did that years ago and then signed up with a credit union and that's what I have now. And the amount of times where to my credit union, I'm like, look, I hate Chase, but they would make this go away today. Why do I have to pony express this shit with you people? I know. Like get another operator. This is crazy.

I love my credit union, but yeah, same thing. Yeah, there's a sacrifice. Air rights. Air rights? Air rights. Air isn't free anymore. Here we go. Air rights. Air isn't free anymore. Here we go. Uh oh.

Yep. In this era of vertical cities, air rights command a respectable sum. Only recently, a 38-story Harriman building on lower Broadway paid $742,000 for a 33-year lease on the air above the adjoining five-story structure. So... Isn't that a thing they tried to make happen? And when will they start again? Yeah.

Is that a thing? This is... It can't be. The idea of trying to be like, this is our air zone. Up here is my own. Hey, hey, hey, what are you breathing? Get the, still breathing out here. Put your hand down, that's my air, uh-uh.

What are you grabbing? This is to ensure tenants of the Harriman structure, air and light for that length of time. This is from Pathfinder magazine. I like the light, I like paying for light. A light tax. A light tax is very impressive. This is a Pathfinder Magazine. I like the light. I like paying for light. A light tax. A light tax is very impressive. This is a turn for you. If you're in a tall building, it is.

You are blocking the light from so many of your neighbors. Okay, now I'm coming around, because I thought you were saying, like, individuals pay for light, but you're saying, yes, let's demolish cities. I'm on board. A light tax. Yes. Are we demolishing cities?

Is that on the table? Dave, Francesca and I are in the middle of some good stuff. We started the fires in LA so we could recreate them, right? Bingo, bingo. By the way, I don't know if I've ever told you about, I get massages from a person who's pretty much Q and every time I go in after something big happens, I'm always like excited. And this time it was lasers are starting the fires. And it was a- Why, Gareth? You just go for the bits. You go for the comedy because you can, you have to break up.

I had a- No, this is the best. A hairstylist who was- No, I had a hairstylist who was great, but then she was like, I listened to Rogan. She's like super vegan, uses all natural products, and then listens to Rogan and doesn't believe in the vaccine. And I was like she was great, but then she was like, I listened to Rogan, she's like super vegan, uses all natural products, and then listens to Rogan and doesn't believe in the vaccine, and I was like, bye. Oh, the vaccine, that ship sailed a long time ago. Well, this was years ago. This woman straight up was trying to give me

hydroxychloroquine, and I was like, maybe I'll buy a lip, let's work on the neck first. Like sneaking it up your butt? Yeah. What does she do that's so good? Walks on me. Oh, you like to be walked on? Yeah. I love when women walk on me. She's not that big, but man, I'll tell you what,

you don't need a big person to walk on you. No, that's the whole point. You can't have a big person walk on you. No, because she has the bars. That's why I love the Thai massages, Thai sub-eye. Oh yeah, but this woman is incredible. I don't like being walked on. Her politics are, you know, very different. But she just says when she said the lasers are starting the fires, she's like, I don't, she's this little Mexico where she's like, I don't know, but the lasers are probably what has started the fire. And I just go, yeah, it's, well, I just kind of go like, I didn't hear that.

And then the last time it was that they, you know, it was one of those ones where it's like they're changing kids' gender during a school day. And I'm like, where'd you read that? She says it right as she's stepping on your back too. You're like, that's the moment she waits to tell you the craziest thing. They're changing the gender during a school day? So they go in, they go in in the morning? They go in, boy, they come back, girl.

Yeah. And I was like, I don't know, it's dicey. Anyway, my legs are sore. We really need crazy things from the other side as well. We need, I mean, we can't really compete. It doesn't matter anymore. It used to matter. Honestly, I wouldn't even say before Trump, but it was like, he was the one where you

were like, this can't stand. This even for lies is too big. And now you're like, now that actually is super popular. So buckle the fuck up. Yeah, but it's like there are pedophile rings, but they're inside the Vatican and shit. There is just say that stuff. But anyway, no conspiracy theorist likes the conspiracy that's right in front of them. True.

Which is annoying. No, and I think that the real conspiracy is very boring, which is like a bunch of rich people are going to do everything they can to just get everything. Right, right, right, right. Exactly. It's not like it's exciting. And it's also like, do you mean we have to do everything they can to just get it right. Right, right, right. Exactly. It's not like it's also like, oh, do you mean we have to do something about it? If it's lasers, I don't have to do anything about it.

Right. But if it's fossil fuels, fuck. The thing that I think, the thing that I'm always like, why this is should be popular. Like I honestly like even laser starting the fight, like, because I go like, hey, look, the land grab pitch, I'm not like, that doesn't make any sense. I'm like, I get that as a spine to a theory. When you're talking about them shooting lasers to start fire strategically, I'm like, again,

they go up pretty quick. Why are they going up so quick? Climate change. But the one that I'm just like, why are we not like billionaires shouldn't be a thing? And you would think that that would be so unifying and then you do see the boot licking morons like, of course they should be allowed, they're trying to help us.

You're like, you're fucking morons. Because they think they're gonna be one. Yeah. I don't even know if it's that anymore, I just think that they just, they want, they like gargling out. They still support the billionaires strongly. Yeah, they want to believe that someone can save them and that's all they have left.

Well, I think that they- They want a real Tony Stark, right? You want a real life Tony Stark. I think they built up this thing and this is what Dave and I were saying the other day is like, okay, Tony Stark, like fucking jacked billionaire with a heart of gold. And then you look at Musk and you're like, look at this fucking scallop. Are we like, you know, and then and then and then online you see pictures of Elon Musk and you go, oh, well, AI has made it so that they are like, he looks just like Tony. Like, it's just that it's that simple in the sense that they're like, he's Tony Stark.

Well, people I do. I legitimately think that people who see like memes of Donald Trump just completely ripped and all the abs, they believeuck think he looks like that underneath. They do. They do. They really think he looks like that rather than like clay. You know what, guys? I do think in the next four years, we are going to get a pooped him pants moment.

We're going to get a poopoo pants moment. He's not going to survive bird flu. He's not going to survive bird flu. That definitely handles we're going to get a poopoo pants moment. There's going to be some bird flu. He's not gonna survive bird flu. No, no that definitely handles We're gonna get a poo poo pants moment. There's gonna be some diaper leakage. Something's gonna slip out poo Maybe he poos his pants from bird flu. Exactly. I think he wears diapers. Anyway, Dave you had a paper Birds in the neighborhood of Retrul are returning

Receiving their food from the skies as Sergeant... Is this still about the air? What? What? No, this is a different article. Are they returning their food? They're receiving their food. I don't know.

They're receiving it from the skies. So that's the notorious birds are eating from the sky? As Sergeant Paul Jackson of the Cheneut Field has begun distributing 200 bags of bird feed from his plane, flying slowly over hedge rows and river bottoms. See, this is the military we need. Yeah. That just happened. Just a sergeant throwing worms out of a jet.

Very pre-World War II, just like, I don't know. Birds have food. They don't need to... They're birds. We don't need to drop food to birds. They're birds. I'm a little confused why you're so mad. Nature exists out, they have food all over the place.

They're birds. But like, it's more expedient to like, not have to stop to eat. You just fly with your mouth open. Yeah, I think the theory, Dave, is that the sergeant is in a big bird, and he's helping the little birds. And you seem to be really upset about it and I guess He was also regurgitating his food for a while.

Yeah, I guess maybe that's what you're not seeing. He's eating this and then yarfing into the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yarfing? Yeah, he's mama bird. Yeah, yarfing. Fight that fight with me right now. I fucking dare you. I'm sorry, that was out of line. That wasn't about you. Comfort for fast riding. According to Professor Low, an English scientist, it will be possible to drive 300 miles an hour in a completely enclosed automobile in the future.

Future prognostications was like the gig. Right? Yeah, you would just be like. You get your name in the paper. Yeah, you would just be like, Oh, tell me more. We won't eat plates, everything will drop from a tube. Yeah, people are like, wow, really eat plates, everything will drop from a tube.

Yeah, people are like, wow, really? Really? Oh yeah, check out this thing I wrote about it. So there you go, can I have money? The vehicle will consume only half the gasoline cars required today, will be fitted with radio, telephone and television and will be fitted with radio, telephone, and television and will be so easy to operate that a driver can see and speak to his friends

at home while traveling. Okay, we kind of all have that. Not bad, not bad. Besides the 300 million, this is all spot on. I like the fully enclosed, like you know. You won't even have to wear a hat. You won't have to close your mouth while you're driving. You'll only have to crank it half the amount of times. You can fully open your mouth like a goose in the air, beating.

And instead of string going across your lap, it'll be a leathery belt. Leathery? Yes. Each car will have a toilet. That is definitely something I've thought about. Like, that's like a kid brain. Like, oh no, I think about it. Why don't you just have a toilet right there? I completely- Let me tell you something.

If you're a teenager, I don't know if they, they probably don't do it anymore because they're a little, they're a little bit better humans, but there was a lot of peeing in bottles. Okay. Hey, Dave, I still pee in bottles. Boom. My mother and I had a discussion the other day about how she, this is a grown man thing, how she threw out my pee bottle.

Yeah. What? My mother threw my pee bottle out of my car. She cleaned my car and I go, where's that big bottle? And she goes, when? When did this happen? Like two weeks ago. Okay, it's time for the James Belushi. Wait, you muted yourself and I think it was a good reason.

Yeah. It's time for the James Belushi story., you muted yourself, and I think it was a good reason. Yeah. It's time for the James Belushi story. So James Belushi, when he worked on, what was the show? Life According to Jim? Yes. So at some point, he decided that he. We're all going to pretend that that wasn't an awesome grab? OK, keep going.

At some point, he decided that to save time on the set, instead of going to the bathroom bathroom he would pee into a bottle So he's the best pollution He starts peeing into a bottle like you know when he's behind a set or whatever and just leaving it on a stool or whatever No, and or you know on the back of the set and and he's doing that for a little while And then you know the staff the staff the the crew starts complaining because this is a health violation, also gross and fucking weird. So they have to, so they ask him to stop the producers and he doesn't stop.

So they have to have a meeting with him, with network executives. And he listens to them and they explain why he can't pee in a bottle anymore. And then he leaves the room and there's like a opaque window type situation. And then they see him on the other side, take out and just start peeing into a bottle right on the other side as a fuck you. And then, when the show gets canceled, the crew breaks down the set and they take everything out

and they leave a stool with his bottle of urine on it and a spotlight going straight down onto that is beautiful that's but also garrick's mom just cleaned out a pee bottle from his car two weeks ago no no no hold on now hold on yes yes no no there's no no hold on that's the story hold on hold on. Yes. Yes. No, there's no no, hold on. That's the story. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. That is the story. Hold on. But here's the difference. I empty my pee bottle after each use. He's leaving them around. That's disgusting. Oh, you have the same bottle. No, he's emptying it. Wait, you have a pee bottle? Is it like engraved? No, I would. I mean, if anyone's listening and that's something they'd like to gift me, that doesn't sound terrible.

Of course they will and definitely want to do that for you. I look forward to this moment. But I use a bottle for a month or so and then I move on. Oh my God. You're not delivering Amazon packages. What the fuck, man? You're just on the road. I'm a comedian.

Pull over. I do. I pull a lot. Pull over. I do. I pull a lot of times. Huh? This is in your Hyundai or the van? This is in every vehicle that I'm a part of. What do you think? I only use it in the Hyundai?

Come on, Dave. Dave, you sound crazy. Is it on your checklist? Like when you have like a checklist when you go on the road? When I go on the road, you're definitely going to at some point get a Gatorade Zero. Absolutely not. Wait, Dave, haven't you not known this? I get mad when he stops to pee at non-restroom areas. So he knows he can never do this again.

But that's faster. So what I'll do is, well, good Lord, then we got to get back to this goddamn premise of the fucking show. I will pull over, I will take my pee bottle, I'll pop the trunk and I'll pretend that I'm looking for something in the middle of nowhere and I'll pee my pee bottle. I'll pop the trunk and I'll pretend that I'm looking for something in the middle of nowhere And I'll pee in the bottle See, this is the problem with our public urination laws. You should just I should be the king I agree Francesca. Thank you. Honestly, honestly

Honestly, what in the fuck is honestly you what is the what is wrong with you? When do you think that you broke and became like this weird, eccentric bachelor guy? Like you're going in the wrong direction. First of all, I'm in a committed relationship. That's another baseball team is just like, pisses in a bottle and their mom finds it and throws it out team.

I will admit, things felt lower when I had to tell my mother why the bottle was important. So wait, you are, I thought you, you're not single, are you? No. That's... She was a girlfriend, but these not getting... But believe me, she's... A bottle doing a lot of heavy lifting.

Believe me, she recognizes there's a real checklist here and she's trying to work through it, but she's hitting a lot of walls. That's like number nine. I've considered being a therapist. Is that what your question was? No, no. All right, well let's end the show, Dave. You gotta have one more.

I mean, I feel like we, that part, I think we should cut that part out because you guys are coming off a little crazy there. This is mostly been, I don't even know if we're still in Tootopolis. Tootoperville. Tootopolis. Teutoperville. Teutopolis. Teutopolis. Sure.

There needs to be more Opolises, Opolei in our country. I just want to put that out there. And I hope, I think it should have been like- How about Pissopolis, where you could just take your wiener out and pee wherever. Pissopolis, I love it. I think it should be the Gulf of Americopolis. Or how about Alopop? Like we could call it like

she apple piss, like something like that. Opal apples. I don't hate it. But it's a little strange. Opal is. Yeah. How about cop opal is where it's all? Opal is. No, that's and you can piss on the cops.

That's that's when they rebrand. Who's back? Have that. We already have. Simi Valley that we have. No, it's in Georgia, isn't it? the first snake story Oral Ryan was displaying on the streets Thursday a live blue racer snake three feet long Which Roy Haney had picked up Wednesday on Salt Creek?

The modern weather had probably enticed the snake from its bed. When found, it was helpless as the cold had rendered it almost lifeless. Mr. Ryan was seeking someone who could give the snake a home. By the way, you laugh. I'd be like, I'd listen. His name is Oral and he found a snake. I don't love him. Yeah.

And when it's cold, it doesn't work as well. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. He's lifeless. But if I see a guy with a snake and he's like- Oral gotta breathe some life into that. Yeah, exactly.

Right? Yeah, yeah. Let me guess, the snake had whiskey. Ye scribed thanked him for the offer of the snake and declined to take it. This is a news item. There's a news item that a guy came up to a reporter on the street and was like, I found a snake that's barely moving.

Will you give it a home? No. That's the story. That's the story, right? Yeah, that was the whole story. This is just like me hiding out with a walkie talkie in my neighborhood being like, there's That's the story, right? Yeah, that was the whole story. This is just like me hiding out with a walkie talkie in my neighborhood being like, there's a white Hyundai.

This is that level of stories. There's a woman. We got a guy pissing from a white Hyundai into a little bottle right now. Shh. We got a 10-1. That's an actual story. That's a real story.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you for understanding. The snake was lifeless. Brothers arrest each other to beat drugs. In order to... I like this. This is... This is out of California. In order to rid themselves of the narcotic habit,

which they had for many years, Edward and William Vincent, brothers brothers each swore out a complaint against the other and both are in adjacent beds in the psychopathic ward of the local hospital to take the cure. That is a good that is that is the system working. Yeah, that's great. I got no problems with this. You got to do that at the same time though.

Yeah, like your brother backs out. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, okay, we both do it, the same time though. Yeah. Like your brother backs out. Oh yeah. Yeah. You know, okay, we both do it, right? We both do it. Count of three. Okay, but he gets the same electroshock therapy as I get. All right. Yeah, that's when you're like, wait, this wasn't a good idea.

You're going to blot out the family trauma? Let's go. Time for your lithium enema. Wait, what? We're going to get the crazy out of your belly. I love things you're saying. You have a drug problem, immediate psych ward. Yeah, right away.

That'll do it. Imagine. Get him hooked on other drugs. Yeah, shock it out of him. The shock time was a very wild time. Yeah. And I think they still do it. It's back a little bit.

I was just going to say. I feel like, isn't it back? Yeah, it's back. By the way, I'm into it. Yeah, you are. I think shock better than lobotomy if I'm you know 100% a lot of lobotomies happened 100% Oh yeah, we love those. Well we covered lobotomies on the show and it's like the ones where nothing changed is the one where you're like that guy really is the one where you're like, that guy really. It's like that is that's honestly the weirdest thing to have happen. Like getting it is insane.

But to come back and be like, I'm the same. Was it also a lot? I was done on women a lot, right? Well, that I support. We support that on this show. That's really that's how we've we've got to in order to get our to top list properly. So like some comedians have had lobotomies. Yeah, yeah, they had Alex Jones on their podcast.

Francesca, thank you for joining us, as always. No, thank you. So, Bituation Room, where can people get tickets for the Ice House show in February? I think Ice House, just Google it. Or FrancescaFiorantini.com, I'll put a link over there. That's the one. There we go. And that show is what, that's you and the hubby?

It's, I think so, I don't know if I'm gonna book him. I don't know, he was on the first show, and I'm not sure if I wanna book him on this. He was a little bit. He's too political anyway. He's just way too political. No, yeah, so it'll be me, I haven't booked anybody. Okay, great.

We're working on the lineup, but it'll be great. February 19th. Well, we're all excited for that show. We'll insert who's in it later. And thank you for joining us, and everyone should listen to the Bituation Room and make the comedians sit through the interview of the important people. Yeah, make them learn. They're fucking great. Yeah, we don't have books anymore, so force them to learn.

That's true. All right, thank you, Francesca. No more blue tape. Go to hell, Dave. Blue labels. Go to what? You said go to hell, Dave. Go to hell? Yeah. Dave, not you. Okay. Bye. Fucking bullshit. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-part animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode

or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.