The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 118 - The Past Times with Matt Lieb

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. For the second week in a row, they are joined by Matt Lieb of the Bad Hasbara podcast.  Redbubble Merch

We're going on tour and this is it's been a while March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona Maybe our best city of all time. It's the best that is on March 16th And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city ever. We really never love the city We've ever gone to that's on March 17th and then we go to Oklahoma City, which is our faith We often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to.

That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Our favorite city without question. And then we head to Dallas, Texas on March 20th. Our favorite city. That's why there's never been a better city. If you don't like it, you're a Dallas asshole. Thank you.

And then we go to Houston, Texas on March 23rd, which is by far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas, on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city in the entire world. Number one city in the world. You can get tickets at dollopodcast.com slash tour. All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week. The Great Matt Lieb. Hello, Matt, thank you for joining us. I'm so excited to be here. I am. You mean that?

Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I do think for a second. I usually say it, but, you know, and I'd never really look to see if I actually am. I'm stoked. It's something to do today. Yeah, it is something to do. Because you have a show tonight,

but you have the comedian problem of just, there's nothing. Daytime. Whole day. Daytime is the tough time for the comedian. Yeah. It's like, we keep vampire hours. Yeah, and the wife is at home with the kids, you get to hear about how you're not there

for the tough things that are happening. Yeah, she's texting me about how my child is growing up so fast. And I'm like, good, I hope she is 18 by the time I'm back and has her own apartment. I'll make another with you. They don't get their own apartment anymore at 18. That's 27. Matt, we just did an episode. Well, first of all, Matt, what can we promote of yours? You have, you were bragging a lot before we started

about how many podcasts you do. I have a lot of podcasts. You have... Joe Rogan Experience. No, no, Matt, your podcast. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Michael Marlboro. Well, let's just stick to the ones that you, those are great ones, but let's just stick to the ones you have. The ones you host.

Yeah, the ones you host. Oh! The ones that you benefit directly from. Those don't do as well as The Daily with Michael Marlboro. I still think it's gonna be helpful for you to promote those. All right, fine. So I do a podcast called The Joe Rogan Experience.

No, no, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, the pot, the, because I don't think you do, I think that's Joe's show, so what are, what are the shows that you yourself are on, Mike? I'm kind of on it, we're hanging out together. So Joe Rogan is a parasocial, that's, you're having a parasocial relationship with Joe Rogan. No, because he, I know everything he's thinking because he says it out loud and usually I talk. Well this is actually, maybe we should talk about this Because this is actually taking some some turns that I think could be helpful for you to get out But but let's do that after what are the shows that you know, you do ads for your your podcast

So the ones where you do ads. Oh Okay. Okay. Um, so I do podcasts. Really funny to say you're a rogue again, by the way. It's time to stop, it's time to stop. I'm not gonna do it. I can tell you're weighing whether or not to do it. And I think doing it was right, to be honest. I don't wanna be judged. Okay, so I have a few.

One is called Bad Has Bar, the world's most moral podcast. That is a podcast where me and my co-host Daniel Maté, two Jewish anti-Zionists, talk about funny Israeli propaganda. So you're not Jewish. And by funny, I mean horrifying. What's that? So you're not Jewish.

Right. I'm not a Zionist, so therefore I'm not Jewish, yes. Right. Well, you know, I'm a Zionist on the wrong side. That's the thing, you know. Right. So not Jewish. So I have to be a Zionist on your mother's side.

Yeah. your mother's side. And my other podcast is the wonderful rewatch Mad Men rewatch podcast called Pod yourself a gun. It's a Sopranos rewatch podcast and then it became a wire rewatch podcast. And now it's Mad Men and we just had Dave's dad here, Gareth Reynolds on the season one finale of... And I'll tell you, the best intro song to a podcast is possible. Yeah, it's really good. It truly...

Yeah. It's magical. It's worth listening. It is. It's hard to pivot when you turn a Sopranos show into a show for other shows, but you've really... You've found a way to make it seamless with the interest. I would encourage everyone to listen to that. And then what's your third podcast? It's a Movie Watch podcast. Yes. So then the other podcast I do with Emily Fleming and Jordan Morris, it is called

Free With Ads. And that's a podcast where we talk about free movies that we saw on the internet. And so, you know, that's all, those are all my jobs. I have so many jobs. So you're in a financial panic because you have a kid and you just keep starting podcasts? Yeah, if you start enough of them, it's like Lotto Scratchers. One of them will eventually be the Joe Rogan experience. Now careful

careful we're doing it again so be careful. Well, I don't want to stick it in. Nope. No, he doesn't. I don't think he knows you. Now Matt, real quick we just had your lovely wife on an Nope. Nope. And we decided to try to newlywed game her and you a little bit. So I love it. Now, if we were to ask her what your favorite movie is, what would you say is your favorite movie? And we'll tell you if she got it right or not. The Aviator, Martin Scorsese, is movie about Howard Hughes, The Aviator. Now, she did not say that. No. No. What would she say my favorite movie is? Oh, what would she say? She'd say like, I don't know, she'd be like the godfather or something stupid. That's exactly what she said.

That's exactly what she said. She said it would be Scorsese, and then she couldn't really pin it down. So she said the godfather one or two. It's very to quote. She said some Scorsese bullshit. Yes. That's what she said. OK. And then we asked her

what your last meal would be in the way that we were thinking death row meal, but she took it as the last thing you'd eaten. So that's your setup. Okay. What she thinks? Yeah. Yeah. She, she would assume that the last thing I had eaten was pizza hamburger, you know, or like nacho, nacho ramen soup.

Pretty good. She said it would be tacos and jalapeno poppers for Jack from Jack and the Jack. She knows. That's correct. Oh, God. Damn. I'm worried about your heartburn. Now, her favorite movie, what would you say is her favorite movie? Oh, some Spanish language bullshit. No, maybe it is, what is her favorite movie? Oh, this is not good.

This is classic dude stuff. She did great. She doesn't like movies is the thing. Her favorite movie, is it that, the one, God, what is it? It's like an Asian one. It's about Chinese spies. Godzilla, are you thinking of a- No, no, no, Chinese. do you want it? You're very close to on Japanese. It's called like wake wake

Wake the week very close. What the fuck is it called? Yeah Wake you're right there the Breakfast Club. Yes That was my next that was gonna be my next guess breakfast, but I believe that which led us to ask her Yeah, it's a wrap. Fuck. You're right, Dan. That was my next, that was going to be my next guess. Breakfast club. Which led us to ask her what she has for breakfast. What would you say she has for breakfast? That was our question to her.

She has whatever Karine is eating for breakfast. Maybe, you know, she likes eggs, so she'll have an eggy. She has she has yogurt sometimes for Brecky. Oh, God. I first of all, I love my wife. My wife, my wife and her. This is what what what did she just have for breakfast? Is that the question? You were to say her break?

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Oh Man, what does she call it? Cause a brekkie She had she makes a smoothie and would you like to guess what she calls her smoothie? Uh, Pune? That's right Pune By the way, I think you are on the Joe Rogan experience. You did great. I'm sweating right now. It's a good thing your mic's in an ice bucket. You might need to cool that down a little. Yeah, I really gotta cool down.

Let's start recording. Hold your, all right, let's start the show. One, two, three. Action. Okay, Matt, we're gonna do a podcast now. This whole thing has been the, yeah, yeah. And if you're lucky, you could be a part of this one forever too, so I know you wanted to add

Dave has a paper. What year do you think it's from Matt? You get first, correct? It could be any year. That's um Okay, so it has to be after a point at which there is the printing press Correct. I'm gonna say it's from 19 nice. This is good 92 Wow, that is wild. That's a wild guess, bro. I just kind of went for it I guess cuz like it's probably from like 1915 but you know because those are that's a better guess but it could happen. I'm gonna go with

1899. Uh, Matt, so close. It is 1891. I almost got it. You almost did. You were one year off. So close. Yeah.

Super close. Gareth was like, I mean, why would you know what he was saying? Super close. I can hear it. Can you guys hear me? My girls go, this is worse. Do you ever do that when you were a kid to your friends? You'd like pretend they were gone. Where's Jamie? And they'd be like, I'm here. You got this little bastard.

Yeah, that's really that's's. I never did that. Did you ever kill your friend? Go ahead, Dave. I never did any of this. Oh, go ahead, Dave. This is March 12th, 1891. The Weiser or Weiser, that's probably Weiser, Idaho semi-weekly signal.

Cool title. Semi-weekly. Semi-weekly. Semi-weekly. Is that me in this week? Not a daily. Nope. Not a daily. They're just like.

Couple times. But also not. But are we sure it's coming out every week? Coming out a couple times. It's not the same as bi-weekly could be. We learned that on the hard way. Or every other week. But semi-weekly is twice a week.

Semi-weekly feels like how you define a relationship with someone you won't commit to. I see your semi-weekly. Semi-weekly is like how I describe when people are gonna get bonus Patreon episodes. It's just like. That's what I mean. It's like.

Sometimes, sometimes it's worth it, cause sometimes we do. Trust the process it because sometimes we do trust the process trust Just give me the money first. Yeah, give me the money and then you get your stuff Yeah, exactly the money in a bag then I'll riff on a movie for you. Exactly. Are you crazy? You get full first full pay me full damn Have you guys seen what diamond? No, but that got really racist. No, no, that is an impression of Leonardo DiCaprio doing a South African. You got to start with that before you launch in for the next time

you do it. The setup is huge for that one. The setup, the context is big for that impression. Well, listen, I kind of just naturally assume everyone's seen blood. I think that's where you're. Well, yeah, there's your problem. There's your problem. It was a it had Jennifer Connelly in it and Leonardo DiCaprio. You're backtracking in a great way. Are you crazy? You get for pay me for his photo. OK, but you sound like you're doing a really bad.

He's he're doing a really bad Asian accent. He's doing an accent to Commander Zero, who is an African, and he's a white South African. Yeah. So he's kind of, it's actually him being racist. Okay? Okay, are you guys listening? I am dying to... Maybe I just go to them Goldman, huh? At least them Goldman gonna pay me, huh?

You gotta see it. I really do think we gotta see it. I've seen it, I just don't remember. I have not seen it. Why is no one looking at the camera anymore? No one's looking at me. Everyone's looking at me. Well, we're trying to...

I'm trying to find it Trying to find this the scene with commander zero look I'm just trying to find some of it cuz I really want to hear I just fast-forward a little bit Is that the scene? Yeah, keep fast-forwarding. I'll tell you when you're in the right area I'll just do it for you. No, no, no. You get something for me. You get something for me. You bring the plan. Are you crazy? You get for pay me first for them. See. That was, you know, I really got to say if someone was like, hey, do you the line. I really gotta say, if someone

was like, hey, do you wanna take this role? I'd be like, no, no, I don't think so. It's it's a here. The accent is hilariously horrible. Yeah. Still, the funniest part remains Matt leaping in being like, and then the boys will know the

blood diamond reference. No, it's because we all have I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. Yeah, every person. Yeah, yeah That I'm my fucking dad now just going around going did you ever flashy thing me You did from laughing at the flashy thingy from men and Black. Uh, all right, Dave, here we go. All right, here we go. This is like near Boise, just to show you. Sure, I live there for you. The cars killed three, and so this is just a list of stuff. It's one of those.

A list. It's not a story, it's just a bunch of little tiny. Yeah, exactly. Listicle. It's not a story. It's just, there's just a little tiny. Yeah, exactly. Listicle. It's like killed three head of horses Tuesday above town. Two of them belonged to Ed Barton. Can you say it? Killed three horses.

Three, three horses. The cars were here. The cars are here. Can you read it? Cars. The cars killed. I'm sorry. It starts out the cars.

Yes. The car. Okay. Oh, am sorry, it starts out the cars. Yes, the cars. The bands. Okay. Oh, am I wrong? Yeah, the band. The cars, yeah, okay. People don't know that, that whenever the cars were touring, they would just kill horses. Oh, yeah, often.

Yeah. Well, yeah, how confusing if their bus got into an accident with a bunch of cars. The cars hit a lot of cars the other day in what's being called the total car wreck for cars. The car. And the car show is postponed. The cars killed three head of horses Tuesday above town. Like a hydra. Three head of horses. That's right.

Two of them belonged to Ed Barton. So they just, it just killed horses. You don't have to say a head of horse. It's a horse. Well, maybe it just killed the head. Maybe the rest of the horse is okay. She'll still ride, but she ain't gonna ride like she did. Yeah. You're gonna want to jack a little wheel up top on her.

Yeah, yeah, you're gonna have to basically move her neck to whether she goes left or right or up or down. The neck is now a steering apparatus. She's still crapping. You can still spur her. You're going to have to get some friends to move the legs to. But I feel like I should just replace it. No, no, you did.

She'll ride for a little while longer. It's fine. She's fine. Just go to a mechanic. She'll go to a horse guy. What you got to do? Put a goat head on the body. It'll look funny, but it'll play. It'll play. She'll play. And she'll eat all your trash when you're done. She eat your trash, she eat all poop.

This'll be fine. Don't worry, Mr. Barton, we got you. Hmm. Four Dice, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive. It's weird, this listicle, I'm spacing out a little bit while you're talking, because it just sounds like, you guys ever listen to Prairie Home Companion? I know what you're talking about.

You know, like that guy, Garrison Keeler, you just start talking about stuff. And I was just like, shut up. Yeah, you had to pretend to get it. Yeah. Yeah. Can you read that again? I definitely think it deserves a reread. Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

Okay, so they're sheep buyers and they're buying lamb, probably jerky lamb, or I mean, it's hard to keep, so maybe. Are they buying it for themselves to eat because they're. Yes. Okay. I think they're buying it for themselves because. Mutton is meat from sheep. Yeah.

So it's from sheep. Yeah. And they have sheep with them? Yeah. They could just kill and eat a sheep. It is strange. Maybe they're just showing the sheep what could happen if they don't behave. Yeah.

I still think a killing in front of them would be better, but potentially it's strange to be like knee deep in sheep and then be like, you know, it hit the spot for the drive a little bit of sheep. Why do you think I became a shepherd? I just love sheep. I'm so attached to my flock though. No, they're friends, not food, but I do eat their cousins. But I will buy it.

I will buy it. Okay. All right. Mr. Johnson, the millwright of the Weezer Rolling Mills, roller mills, has got up to Boise with a quantity of flour, which he will introduce to the people of that place. They don't get flour? One trial we think will be sufficient to prove its worth to them. Wow. So this is like, I mean, it's

like it's like cocaine when you see the drug deal on a movie and they're like, cut it. Let me taste it. Let me. Yeah, that's good. This article is just snitching. Like, is this like this is just looking out and going, here's what's going on in town. You know, yeah, it is a bit it's a bit gossiped. Yeah. But I do like the idea of coming to town with flour for the first time and people being like, I don't know, isn't that that big city powder? and people being like, I don't know, isn't that that big city powder?

So it was like, this is great. I'm not sure this will make bread. I don't know. That's impossible. That's that stuff Diana's boy got hooked on and now he doesn't come home anymore. Because he's so big. It's so big. And she's petting a goat headed horse. Quiet, Sebastian. Yeah, quiet, quiet.

You know, he started to be able to say kill me, but I won't. Can't tell me this not a life, this not a life. By the way, that's from Blood Diamond. Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's great. That's a great movie. Have you life. By the way, that's from Blood Diamond. Oh, I love that movie. Yeah, it's great. That's a great movie. Have you seen?

So good. Have you heard the, he's a listen, like I thought when I first saw him, I was like, that guy's from South Africa, but no. Yeah. It is awesome when an actor misses on an accent and has to do it for the whole, it's awesome. Yeah.

Like Brad Pitt being like in the devil's whatever, the son of the devil or whatever the fuck it's called. Oh my God. Gangs of New York, Cameron. Ugh. Oh. Yeah. But then like when you're a big star like that,

like the director's like, that's great. Are you done on your prep? Where are you in the prep? You are done. Yeah, I thought you were done. It's awesome. It's really good. That's great.

I'm just, just say action. I'm just gonna wing it. Oh, it's me, Cameron Diaz. Great. It's awesome. It's really good. That's great. I'm just, just say action. I'm just going to wing it. Oh, it's me, Cameron Diaz. Great. That's great. I'm here in old New York town. Great. And I'm going to fall in love with Leonardo DiCaprio.

All right, cut. Hey, I can't cut her. Bring the dialect coach over here. I'm going to stab him. Indian Valley Inklings. Mr. Editor, I will take the liberty of giving you a few topics of the week. Wow. This is just a guy writing in with the news. He's like, oh, right. And then I made it.

I'm going to help out the paper. And the editor was like, cool, we need this. Well, I'll have content. Well, they're all gone. Yeah, right. Yeah. Oliver, they're all about content. Yeah, right, yeah. Oliver, the writers died of consumption. The snow has been going fast for the past few days. Sorry, I'll read that again.

The snow has been going fast for the past few days and horsemen will soon be able to turn their stock on the hills, some even having already turned out. Good. Yeah. Good. I'm glad to know. I'm glad to know that.

Finally, that's closed. We closed that loop. I was worried for a second. Oh yeah, freaking. Wouldn't be able to do that thing you said. Yeah, no, the end of that is exactly what I wanted to hear because before that seemed pretty problematic but that's like what are those horsemen gonna do? Because the snow is going so fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, super, super quick. Don't go that fast,

snow. Slow down. Unless we want it to or whatever is good for the horsemen. Yeah, no, but if it's, we don't want it to, yeah. You think this horsemen. Yeah, no, but if it's, we don't want it to. No. You think this helped people read papers back then? They just went, uh-huh. Yeah, I know what that means. Well, I fathomed that language properly. Ha ha ha ha.

There's more. There's more to this. James Morrison of Council has driven his band of horses to George Patterson's to feed. Band of horses, good, another good band. That guy took his horses to a neighbor's house to eat. Oh yeah, that's a big deal. That's what's going on. And this is reader submitted headlines?

Yes, if you can believe it, yeah. Well they're not headlines, it's just reader submitted information. Right. Hey, it's can believe it. Yeah. Well, they're not headlines. It's just readers submitted information, right? Yeah It's not like they said it was writer submitted, you know, right? This is just some guys I got pitches Fence has a new post I've been reading your news and I think it's bad Butterfly scene. Here's a little something for me. Hey, is plenty here and is selling for five dollars a ton. Bam. That's news.

That is actually probably the most helpful part. Yeah. Back then you're like, that's huge. The dance given by the Farmers Alliance in this valley was well attended and was a success. It's just says the guy who threw the fucking dance. Yeah. He's a homer. That you had a thousand dollars.

Yeah, yeah. My birthday party was super well attended and everyone was there. Oh, everyone was there. It was awesome. Everyone was there. The whole town was there and we laughed in merriment. It's still happening, actually. Yeah, yeah.

I'm writing from the dance floor. I'm having fun. You hear that? I got a blowjob. All right, hang. What? What? That's right. From another fella. I got my dick sucked in the barn by Ken. You hear that, Georgia? His ex-wife. Are you listening, Georgia? We had a party and I had the most fun. Ken and I got hammered

on for a minute, siren, and he sucked my cock at my birthday dance. We did a new thing, it's called space talking. Both of our penises went inside of each other's penises. All right, all right, all right, Randall, Randall, Randall. No! No, come on, come on. I abort a right. Let it go, let it go, let it go, come on.

I hate my ex-wife. I know. I know. But I don't think you're getting her the way you think. She reads this paper. I know, but Space Doc. I know. I paid for the subscription for 13 years!

Randal. Randal. For 13 years! Randal. Randal. Space. I don't know if the... Space Doc, I don't know if that's going to make it.

It'll make her the most mad. That's why I wrote it. Okay. Okay. Yeah, but I think what we're trying to say is that's gonna make it. It'll make her the most mad. That's why I wrote it. Okay. Okay. Yeah, but I think what we're trying to say is that there is no space. There is no, no one understands a space doc because that's not something that we have in 1991.

It's an idea that I had. What if there was a thing called space? This is interesting. And then, okay. This is how the telescope got invented. I don't know. Also, and there's an asterisk, how do you get your dick out of another guy's dick?

Your honor, I'm stuck in Kenny, but not my fault. Yeah, it's a Fairleigh Brothers movie stuck in. OK, there's more. The spring fights has begun and one old moss back has a boy age 17 who can whip any old man in Washington County between the ages of 60 and 90s. It's like when Andy Kaufman would like wrestle women. I'll fight anyone between the ages of 60 and 90. In 1891, a 90-year-old man is a corpse. Where do you find 90? Let me stop that 90 because at 91 they get a second wind and they get really strong. I won't find a 92-year-old to become sad. I mean, by the way, I'm putting that offer out there. I will fight any 90 year old.

I'm in. I'm going to start a YouTube, which is just me fighting 90 year old men. Yeah, I'm down. I'm just beating the shit out of a dying man. Got any more of you piece of crap? You're gassed at the end. I'll pay. I'll put the shit out of a dying man. Got any more of you piece of crap? You're gassed at the end. I mean, he would put up a hell.

He was a lot tougher than he looked. Yeah, it's actually really hard. It's hard to just punch anything, even an object that doesn't move. So I'm pretty winded right now. The hardest part is feeling comfortable taking his life. I'll put my fist through any old man's chest. The fight is really inside myself being cool with what has been determined as manslaughter.

He has got $3 wagered on it, so come forward, old man, and show your colors. That is crazy. That is really crazy. That is crazy. This is a setup, though. It's gotta be. This person's got, That is crazy. This is a setup though. It's gotta be. This person's got like, there's a ringer in there.

He's like, I got $3 on it. Everyone's voting for him. He's gonna take a dive and he and a 90 year old are gonna split the money. That's not a bad idea. I have lots of good ideas. But the 90 year old is gonna be like, I forgot why we're here.

Yeah. What is this? The saddest thing about all this is that in three weeks, this is going to be a new Matt podcast. Oh, I know. I know. Well, hurry up before Dana White turns it into a, like a Turner broadcast. If a few lines, if a few lines find a place in the signal, I may come again soon.

Buck A Roo. How many 91 year olds were there? That can have been a lot. But I said 60. There's a yeah, there's one guy. Yeah, he's talking about one guy for sure. And that's the guy who's going to split the money. I mean, the crazy thing is that in there with it, the crazy thing is that the guy who signed the letter Bucky Roo and you guys just

ignored that. No that was a good pun. I heard it and I went oh he's having fun. Yeah he's having fun. I want to laugh at it but he did make his career beating a bold bet. Fighting. I feel like he's a bad. You don't know if he wins. Yeah. How embarrassing is that? Where you're like, he was pretty good. That guy hung in there. I could see why he got to be so old. That guy's a fighter. You could see why he survived for so long. Honestly, I could see why that guy just won't die. What are you doing down there with your arms?

My sock, holiday themed. I can't tell if it's, you know when the sock lines aren't the right way up and everything feels wrong? The sock line felt like it wasn't right, but I'm determining that it was right. Oh shit, it was you who was wrong. I was wrong. Now are you just, have you just not been doing laundry?

I like to wear the holiday theme socks deep into February. You do? Yeah, and they don't wash them. I don't wash them. I don't wash them till Santa comes. And he hasn't shown up yet. Which comes? Like sex comes.

Yeah, what he said. Still a little lost. You'll get it. Our old friend Jap Thomasin is still on the matrimonial Market Jap says he expects he will have to stay there, too, but he will live in hopes That's a pretty sad little story there Fuckable guy who believes it won't happen. That is, it's like, well, it's his fourth broken off

engagement and time to hit the newspaper. Well guys, it happened to me again. Old Jeff is single, but ready to mingle. I'm ready, just so everyone knows. Nothing's changed over here for old Jap. Same old guy. Look in the bank, but nothing's happening. Well, Jap killed another one.

I'm still on the market. Well, another one fell down the stairs. I just hate commitment. No one fell down the stairs. I just hate commitment. We received a charming, delightful and soul inspiring communication this week, which does not appear for the sad, agonizing and heart rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from. What just happened? Well, why don't we get from the start from the beginning? That is the beginning.

Do it again. Yeah. We received a charming, delightful and soul inspiring. Excuse me. I have Cove. Cove. Cove. It's we received a charming, delightful and soul inspiring

communication this week, which does not appear for the sad, agonizing and heart-rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from. Now I would like to add that the last thing I read was signed a friend and the other one was Buck A. Rue. Good point. So, but this, and this headline or whatever we call it is really just, we were gonna print something pretty dark but they didn't sign it.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Interesting. We will gladly publish anything of public interest when we know the name of the writer. We will not give your name to the public but we must have it ourselves. Does this need to be done publicly in the paper? I mean, yeah, I can headline

And for our possibly be yeah, what is so sad on the Sun came up today? And it's looking to go down this evening. Well, who wrote it? Who wrote it? away Well, who wrote it? Who wrote it? My boy passed away. Yeah, OK. Minnesota has taken a step for reform in the jury system by inserting a clause in the Constitution providing that in civil cases, the agreement of 10 out of 12 jurors shall be sufficient.

Oh, that's sick. Oh, so sick. I kind of like that. Do you like that? Yeah, for civil. I do too. Civil cases that makes sense to me. OK, not for criminal cases.

No criminal cases you need to get all 12. But I like civil cases where just like the majority think you owe the money. I agree. No money. You know what I mean? It's money. It's not, you know, life. That's great. Yeah. That's just a, you know what?

That's just a great news story. I learned a lot there. I did too. But we're not done. From what you're learning, I learned through you on that one, what I want. We're still going. We're not done with it.

There's more stories. It's a good thing that one's over. In one respect, this step is wise as it necessitates the corruption of three jurors instead of one to bring about a disagreement. But in respect to the weight of a verdict rendered, it is rather a detraction that some reform of the jury system is desirable, cannot be doubted. So they disagree with you.

Well, what do they know? They're fucking dead. Yeah, yeah. They're? They're fucking dead. Yeah. Yeah. They're all old and dead. Fuck them. Goodbye. Those idiots don't have a single podcast. Well, yeah, that's very true.

How many podcasts that whole jury? Oh, none? None. Interesting. Yeah. Oh, interesting. The mad finds you not relevant. So. Bang my gavel. My gavel is my microphone.

You're just fucking an idiot. I can see the art. And it's bad. It's so terrible. It's you with a gavel and you're like, ah! Do they actually do it? It's just too loud? Everyone heard the ice bucket on that one.

I was going to say, when you got a road setup, you got to be careful with your mic jokes. Yeah. That's right. I'm going to say, when you're going to be on the road, you got to be careful with your mic jokes. Yeah. I'm going to say, when you're going to be on the road, you got to be careful with your mic jokes. I'm going to say, when you're going to be on the road, you got to be careful with your mic jokes. I'm going to say, when you're going to be on the road, you got to be careful with your mic jokes. and just too loud. Everyone heard the ice bucket on that one.

I was gonna say, when you got a road set up, you gotta be careful with your mic jokes. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's the only mic I have. Yeah. Oh. If a clerk in a drug store puts up poison in place of some simple specific,

the proprietor has to face the music. Wait, what? If he puts a poison up in Instead of the drug so you can't serve poison. So this is a different era He's saying if you serve poison you you've got a your phone in yeah, you have to face the it's a crime You got to face the music seems I'm glad so this is when that was decided, huh? Yeah, this is seems seems fair to an extent This is the article made the place at all, but this is probably when the pharmacist made the poison Right. This is small pharma. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah small pharma

Pharmacist mr. Walgreens was like well, I didn't put the poison into the jar Mr. Walgreens, what's your plan? Well, you know, CVS, what if it was shittier? Like, we're out of everything. But you can steal a little. But stealing is way easier. Imagine a security guard who refuses to enforce anything. Like a guy walks out with a bunch of mouthwash in his arms and just leaves.

That's my dream. Paul Walgreen, come to bed, you old dreamer. Someday. It's a store, but everything is locked up, but you can see the stuff. You just can't get it. There'll be nine checkouts, but one person working. Paul, come to bed. I've got so many ideas.

We'll put all of the food in areas where you can get it, but the deodorant is going to be behind a glass wall. No deodorant. But you're a pharmacy, Paul. No, but I'm expanding. We'll serve Milano cookies, but there'll also be a squirt gun section for kids. Paul, what are you talking about?

Rapid paper and cards. And one hour photo and Christmas lights sometimes. And by God, there'll be a man serving ice cream. Paul, you've gone too far. And right there when you're standing there getting the ice cream, there'll be a little tiny tree of toenail clippers. And the same man who does the photo will work the ice cream.

Ha ha ha. Paul, he won't be trained in both. He'll also run the register. Paul, he'll be able to give you a Snapple if you want and cigarettes. You have to close down the register if someone wants something for the Bunions in back. If someone needs batteries, the whole system will collapse upon itself. And yes, sometimes the medicine will be poison. That's fine.

They will pay. And I'll have one in every city, you'll see. Like a reverse golden ticket. One lucky boy or girl. One lucky boy won't go in. That's my dream. Four go into Walgreens, two come out. And there won't be a wall, and if there is, it'll be white.

Ha! Imagine how aghast a court would be if it were admitted that the clerk put up the poison willfully and knowingly, but if he and his employer were to ask that they might go suit free because he had received instructions never to sell morphine for quinine or Give packets of strychnine to any children who might call for it Only adults get strychnine What having to make a rule that's like one of those rules really like why is that all right? No, strict nine two kids no matter where how they're asking. I didn't think I'd have to write it down, but I'm writing it down.

Yeah, like if you're in a hotel and it's like, no pool crappin', no cannonballs. Wait, pool crappin'? Yeah. Hi, Mr. Paul, can I have some Strychnine? Absolutely, my boy. For the last time. Thank you. Can I get a stick?

Yeah, absolutely. Strychnine, we call it. Here you go, boy. Strychnine. There you go, boy. Stick nine. There you go. Eat that up now. Thank God there's no rule against Oh my God, I forgot the law change! Ah, Mr. Paul, my tummy and eyes hurt.

That's right. It's coming out, all of it. That's right. You're a good boy. Oh, that stick. Mr. Paul, I'm boy. You hold it. Stick that stick. Mr. Pothime, please, I'm not... Well, would you make a choice? Die or stop whining? Oh, is that a... Is that... Is that some water coming out?

Jesus. I'm gonna have to see some money before I keep filling you with stuff, honestly. This is getting a little... Can I have also the Dr. Scholl's foot absorber? This is a really slow moving poison. Is he going to die or what? I don't know. You'd think poison would go through a lab this size much faster than a groan. God damn. Is this the scene on TV? I'm going to go to the knife section and stab him. Get to the knife section.

I'm going to go stab him. This is taking too long. Thank you so much. It's just right near the chips. Somebody open the, Jesus Christ. The security window for him. He's still quiet. So he can get the knuckle.

Quiet, yeah, it's just crazy. Who dies with a list? Shocking. Yet this is the treatment through proper, thought proper when a well authenticated case of selling liquor to minors comes up so hmm they're saying you should be able to sell poisons to kids what were the age restrictions on alcohol in the 1890s well you know I don't know if they weren't I think it was just more societal

like frowned upon don't sell, so you could, maybe. I'm starting to think that there is a clinical use for strychnine I just don't know about. I've only heard of it as a poison. This is before. I don't remember what Ozempic was you know, but it probably wasn't, yeah, cravings go away. Yeah. You know, it helps with your vision. I think it actually was. What? Well, it wasn't for all cravings. It was maybe a weight loss, but then. It was originally a drug for diabetics. Right. And now it's a drug that makes- Now it's to stop all the cravings. It kills rats, strychnine. Oh, we're talking about strychnine.

Okay. All right. so it is a poison. I thought that's what. It's like just poison. So then why were humans taking it? Why not? You see where I'm looking? Damn, I never thought about it like that. Okay, what were the uses of Strychnine in the 1800s?

To control mice and rats. I love to control. Control. You work for me, boy! It was back then a vermin- it was a vermin killer! So, so- Bring me back gold! And then they're all dead. I think I misread the label on this one. I thought it was like a mind control drug for rats.

I was gonna build a little army. Now to control them! Wake up! Wake up, wake up my pet. Wake, oh Christ. Don't write control on the label if it's not what you mean. Is there any strict eight? That might be a little better of what I'm in the neighborhood for.

Doesn't quite kill them, but it makes them more amenable to doing tasks. Alleged to be a little hypnotized. Yes. Now bring me the gold from the mountains. It makes them more amenable to doing tasks. He alleges it's a little hypnotized. Yes, yes. Now, bring me the gold from the mountains, my little boys. These rats are taking a long time. Go out the door and they're just a sea of dead rats. Come on, mush, mush, boys, mush!

You attach them to a sled. Makes me the richest man in the world. We will win the I Did It Right boys. For those who are writing the history books, the first name's Dylan. Mosh boys. Christ. All dead again.

Christ. More like I did a wrong. There we go. There it is. There it is. I wish I had a human around me to enjoy some of this stuff with me. I've got all these riffs I want to do. Got all these rat riffs and going to waste. All these rats keep dying. Doesn't translate to charcoal on the wall, as well as I'd hoped. I just want a million little friends. Am I so wrong? Is it so wrong to want to be the rat king?

Don't answer that, rats, even though you're all dead. Christ. The tailors of New York propose to sell the bills which they hold against delinquent customers at public auctions. Wow. Oh, the beginning. Sell? The beginning.

Right, yeah. Selling debt. Oh. Damn. There are two objections to this plan. First, that it will encourage a certain class of debtors to wait for the sale and have the accounts against them brought by their friends. Interesting. Life finds a way. Wait, isn't that just paying off a debt? I don't understand what that means. Oh, I guess

it's you're paying off a debt at a discount. What does paying for someone's debt mean? What does any of this mean? I've never been to a bank. Is it the bank? Is this what they call usury? Is this usury we're talking about? I've never been to a bank. I've never been to a bank. I don't know. Wait, users. Christ, the Lord, he kicked all of the bankers out of the temple. I don't know if you remember that. I do. Very much so.

Yeah, it's a great scene where he goes, are you Chris? You get full payment for a small man. No, no, Matt, I don't think I do. No, that was Jesus Christ, Superstar. No, no. It's true. Leo shows up. So he's doing Jesus with an accent again. No, no. It's true. Leo shows up.

So he's doing Jesus with an accent again. Are you craze? Are you craze? Are you craze? Are you craze? Are you craze is so. I've never wanted to watch Blood Diamond more than that. Right?

You got it. I see it. It's upsetting. Well, in America, it's bling bling. Out here, it's bling bang. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Out here, it's bling bang. Like, as a writer, you're probably watching Leo read a lot, and you're like, I'm going to fucking make Leonardo D'Arter de Caprio. Leo's going to say my words. And then everyone's like, oh, boy. Oh, god. He's like, Dan, you got one more daddy body.

Dan, you got one more daddy body. Dan, you got. Dan, you got one more daddy body. Dan, you got one more, I hope he doesn't do too much baby talk with him. I think he'll be able to get it. He'll get it. Baby talk, are you crazed?

Are you crazed? He's in character, he's so meta. This guy's method, dude. This guy's just, he's always. I said latte, are you craze? Are you craze? He's in character, he's so meta. This guy's method, dude. This guy's just, he's always. I said latte, are you craze? I think he's firing his assistant in my weird little language that I made up. In my South Afrikaans.

Okay, are we still in just, like, this is just a headline, not headline, but just the take marks? Yeah, there's no, there's no like, There's just a headline, not headline, but just the, the tick marks? There's no like, there's no headlines above any of these stories. I like it. Yeah. I mean, it's a way to do news.

It's a way. It's like click bait. Yes, it is click bait. It's early. There's no gifs, which makes it kind of boring. Right. But I don't love that. There's no ads to close, which I don't love either.

Yeah, yeah. Trying to find the little X. Yeah, the page doesn't just crash randomly. But yeah, which is the most fun part. But I love that. I like just listing stuff. I love scrolling with an ad that stalks you. I love that. I like it when you're like, you can't get rid of me. Yeah, where it's like, oh, now I'm bigger. Oh, now I'm gonna Oh Just hit the X Now you click me we're going to live Jasmine It's live Jasmine time They must be like we got him they're not like someone's interested like got him got him idiot Even though he left right away, that's money for us. That's money.

That's cents. That's a penny. You get enough of those guys just like a sea of rats. That's a sea of money. That adds up. I'm going to get these rats to create websites for me. You understand, boys? We're going to do it together, rat friends.

Christ. They're all skeletons. I'm talking to an army of skeletons. J.H. Morse, a young man formerly well known in San Francisco, is leading a life which must be singularly independent and free from all annoyances and cares of ordinary existence. I love this guy. I'm this guy. This is my friend. Yeah, this guy is the guy. I don't know. You have a microphone in an ice bucket and an eight jack in the box yesterday. Yeah.

Are you the same guy? I'm living... San Francisco seems to be the only... It's the place you go where you're free from annoyances and you just do what you want. You're eating the poppers. You're putting the microphone in the ice bucket. You're doing accents that are questionable. This is life at the top? This is life at the top? This is life at the top, living my dream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. More poppers after this. Okay, I don't know. No one can tell me what to do until I come out. I know, but it's like you're, these are like acts of aggression towards who? Your wife? Myself. Yourself. Okay, you've declared war on yourself

And God this is a war on God, right? Kill me. I'll kill myself You can't fire me I quit I If you kill me God guess what then you just have one more daddy buddy, okay have one more diddy-body. Okay, no. Dave, hurry. Dave, hurry. Hey, you crazy. You crazy. He has bought himself for the modest sum of $5,000 a small island in the Pacific Ocean. Oh, fuck. He has imported tither, a population of South Sea islanders. Hey, this is bad. This just took a really bad turn. This is is bad. This just took a really bad turn. This is real bad.

This just took a really bad turn. I'm not this guy. I actually, can we go back and say I'm not this guy? So you, I thought you were like, I just lied to yourself with him. No, I don't like this guy. I don't like this guy. I'm the slaver.

I thought he was just someone who liked to chill. I didn't know. Well, I think he still might be trying to chill, but it's by means that we should not agree with. You're now backing away from your association? There's a level of chill that I'm comfortable with. Here's a rule of thumb.

Don't befriend an island. Like a guy who has an island, steer clear. There's no one who's ever bought an island who's ever done anything good with it. No, they don't. You don't need it because you could have a big like vast area of land on another area of land. Yeah, just buy a house somewhere. Yeah, like the idea that you need an ocean moat is that's where you go, I don't know, he's up to something. Why do you need a Navy? Well, I just somewhere where authorities can't get us right, man? Come on over. Yeah. There's finally a place, there's going to be a very special place where we're free and

there's no one around to bother us. Imagine a place where... And they're surrounded by water and all we can do all day is just fuck squirrels. All the conch you can eat. All the rocks you want to skip and screams can't be heard. Yes, yes. Not a scream. I've also imported some islanders as helpers.

And I can't make my dream happen alone. Yeah, it's a lot of work. Come on. A lot of work turns out. So I just took a population and now they're mine. You're my best friend, Matt. I lived on the other island right there and I just moved them here.

You know what I mean? And now I get both. Yes. They're on a different island and they are, I mean, I would call it an island basement is where they're now residing. Which is also nice. And Matt, you're my best friend.

No, not kind of you. And Matt, you're my number one buddy. I thought you just liked to eat jalapeno poppers. I love to eat poppers. And by the way, man, more poppers for Matt and I. Otherwise, you get the lava. Matt, I love you. We're not friends. Matt's my best friend.

I don't know this man. I don't know this man. We share the same ideals. I just thought he wanted to start a podcast about chilling. That's what I thought. This is chilling and it's the meaning of the word. Hey Matt, you wanna eat some human hand? Come here my boy.

Name one thing we don't agree on, I sure can't. Let's start a YouTube channel. What do you say, Matt? Food challenges. What tastes better? Human hand or human foot? I want to do this. You're going to, and you're going to like, comment, subscribe.

Eat a little brain. By the way, it really helps if you guys comment. Hit that notification bell. Helps us out a lot he has imported to there a population of South Sea Islanders and has set out a great quantity of coconut and banana trees he is absolute ruler and practically owns everything and I'm a play and I've got this one guy in the corner who owns a little bit of stuff. So one guy has a little plot of corn I'm letting him be. There's one guy that's like, this is my rock. This is my rock.

All right. I let him stay. All right, fine. That way I don't feel like a, you know, a king. I have one, one surf, he's over there, he owns his own thing, it's fine. It's his own rock. He's good, good for you Carl.

He's got an army of dead rats. Yeah, he's fine, he thinks he can troll rats with strychnine. I'm going to kill Boss with rock someday. I'm going to kill Boss with rock. They might have to get him to Carl. I wanna have to kill boss with rock. We might have to get into Carl. I want to have that like poster in my house. Just like one of those office motivational posters. Just pick the rock. I'm going to kill boss with rock someday.

So Matt we say you can hang up anything in your cubicle. That one is a little problematic for Mr. Schwartz. He's kind of, he doesn't love that one. Why? No, I just, just, you know, it's just like motivation. It's motivation for work. Yeah. I don't know. In the direction of, I don't know, it feels a little... Well, I'm a self-starter, you know, I like to let people know that, you know, just like, you know, every day is a new day, you know, it's like I'm a grindset mindset guy. One day I'm going to kill Boss of Rock. See, those are great, those are great mottos. It's a laugh film where it's like I'm a grindset mindset guy. One day I'm going to kill boss. See, those are great. Those are great mottos.

It's a lot of them. Where's no, but the third one, it's just like, Hey, one day I'll be the boss. You know, it's upsetting other workers and why do you have to get killed with the rock is kind of what we're well, no, it's not like stop thinking about it in terms of like, Oh no, you know, it's just a huge poster. I know. Well, I want people to know it's kind of like, oh no, you know, it's just a huge poster. I know. Well, I want people to know it's kind of my main, my baseline mindset. It's just like, you know, back in Mezzos Zouk era, another, don't do Mezzos Zouk. Can we lose not Matt? Can we lose some of

the rocks? Matt, Matt, Matt, can we lose some of the rocks? The clan was they killed bosses with rock. Well, it's not really a clan though. I mean, this is a workplace. Well, it is exactly. That's kind of our point. And it shouldn't have, you shouldn't have so many rocks on your desk. And that's kind of where. Well, I just, I just like rocks.

Like that's separate from this. Guys, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna kill you with rock. We could all kill boss with rock together. Well, we are your bosses. So yeah, I know, but you're not, you're not the boss with that, with which I will kill with the rock. Unless, Gareth, you want to kill Dave with a rock? I actually am super into that. Yeah, you want guys? I'll print you out the poster. I'll

print you that you can have your own poster. There's now there's a new rule for the office. And that's no rocks and no posters. It's weird that you're making rules because we have the rocks. Yeah, but also he's right. I am right. So I think I'm right. Well, I have rock. I'm the one that's right.

Rock beats paper, bitch. And then I kill him. What? What? And that's how rock, paper, scissors was invented. And then what do you say in the blood diamond accent? I say Are you Chris? I just go to them government, huh? These damn government gonna pay me, huh?

It's so it's so upsetting it's just upsetting I bet the movie's over two hours it's so long it's so upsetting, it's just upsetting. I bet the movie's over two hours. It's so long, it's so long. I bet it's like two hours and 30 minutes. But it's like two action packed hours of the strangest South African accent you've ever heard. Just offensive, not done yet. He's doing this in between projects so he doesn't have time to get it exactly right. He's just gonna do like a weird thing.

Don't worry about what he's gonna do. It's not gonna be white and that's what matters. Ah! We're still on this story by the way. Okay. As his little kingdom is rich in guano, his purchase promises to be a profitable one. Yeah, Bat-Poo.

But Bat-Poo used to actually be valuable. Big money, yeah, it was big money. What do you do with it? I think, my understanding is you ship it to America and then they put it into little boxes and then you buy one and you can put it, you cram it in someone's mouth. I'm going to go ahead and say I don't believe that Dave's right. No, that's true. It was called mouthguano for a while, but if you didn't agree with someone during a

discussion, you could take out your backguano and cram it in their mouth. But didn't it have, it had an actual purpose? There was like a fertilizer? That's a purpose. I don't see how that's not a purpose. What's, yeah. Okay, fine. That's a purpose?

Is that not a purpose? No, you're right. He just described the purpose to you and you're just like, oh, but why do you use it? I don't know, listen, maybe. All right. It's weird that you have headphones and you don't listen. I think that it's getting aggressive, but you are right, the point is taken, but.

Are you saying alternative purposes, like secondary purposes? Yeah, well, you could do that with so many, what makes it specific to quantum? Some people would use it for fertilizer, but the main purpose was to stop arguments. Okay, all right. Well, I wish we had a little now, honestly.

I feel like, Why? I feel like I've been sort of cornered and I'd love to pop a couple of guanos in a couple of traps, to be honest with you. I got an easier idea. Find a rock. I don't think. Yeah. Find a rock.

No, no. Get a rock. fine. No, get a rock. Get a rock. Get a rock. It's like most music labs. Get a rock. I forgot I had a soundboard on my travel on my travel recorder. I can't believe we're only finding this out at the very end. We could have been soundboarding this whole time. Yeah. All right. Well, why don't we why don't we let's end with Dave.

If you have a sound effect, a story where Matt can really bring the sound. I'm gonna finish this one. I know, but it's dead. You sure? I mean, what's, does it end with him getting eaten by the rats? Were there rats in the story?

Of course there is nothing to prevent his returning to civilization at any time, but he seems to prefer to stay where he is. And who shall say that Mr. Morris is not one of the happiest men in the world today? He's got slaves and shit! Oh man, I really thought you were still on article. No. He's got slaves and shit!

But wait, so I would like to know what happened with that island, man. That that that seems like something where a follow up is incredibly. We have a name of the island. Well, his name was Morse. What is his name? Yeah. What's his first name? Morse like code or Morris? It doesn't say his first name.

But are you spelling it M.O.R.S.E. or M.O.R.R.I.S. It's just as J.H. It's M.O.R.S.E. or M.O.R.R.I.S.? It just says J.H. It's M.O.R.S.E. J.H. Morse. Island Man is what I think technical term. I think that's the island boy. Island boy. Is this the first island boy?

Is he going to suck his brother off? I forgot about those guys. I don't see anything. You think he's real? I bet he's real though. Where is the island man? Yeah, I don't know. I don't see anything. Maybe they deleted him for... This is a really old newspaper. People could just make shit up.

That's true too. We actually, I think we had one of those where it was just like, we were like, as we got like halfway through, we were like, I don't, did this really happen? Like, the man made a flute out of a huge tree and a wizard fell from it. And we were like, okay, now they like come on.

This is a little far fetched. This is page three. Yeah. Come on. Do you have a sound effect? The last one, Dave, maybe. I mean, we really should take advantage. OK. Right. Yeah. Washing out the stomach. Well, well,, waa. The thing is, I didn't know what sound it was going to be. And it worked.

It worked. That's right. During the past year, several physicians in New York have tried, with a gratifying success, a novel treatment for dyspepsia and cancer of the stomach by washing out that organ. And they still do it to this day. Well, you put a broom down this throat and you just kind of, you let the bristles sweep out all the cancer.

It's called sweeping. Yes. Sweep the tum tums. It's called sweeping. The process is very simple and not dangerous. A long flexible pipe is passed down the throat until one end is in the stomach. Oh, my God.

The upper end has a funnel attached to it. No. Mm hmm. Into which hot water is poured until the stomach is filled. My fucking God, were they making pate? Oh, my God. My fucking god, were they making pate? Oh my god medicine back in the days was just like just try shit man Like let's just go for it. Oh, you got like it was like and then what you were like then you put a bunch of hot water We it's then we see Then we brought them from the inside out

You're probably dead at that. You've scalded all the inside parts. Well, that's right. What happened? Well, he didn't make it but he's there's no cancer. There's no anything. Yes, I mean What was the other option let him die? What was the other option? Let him die? Figure it out. Remove it. The pipe has an aperture big enough to hold a lead pencil after the stomach has... Let's get a little lead involved. Let's get a pencil in there.

Put a little lead in there. We'll just see what happens. Put a little lead in there. Toss a little mercury inside. I have a question. Do you think we could write inside the stomach? We're going to try. We're going to do everything we can.

I'm going to sign my work. Look at that. There we are. What did you sign? It says craze. Doctor Commander Zero. Doctor Commander Zero. Ha ha ha ha ha. After the stomach has been filled, the funnel end of the pipe is turned down until it was lower than the bottom of the stomach and the stomach is emptied as a barrel of any fluid

is emptied through a siphon. Oh my God. So we flip him upside down. Well we're gonna shake him a little bit too to make sure it gets nice and front of you. Just like anything else you fill up. Yeah. You're going to shake it and then get the muck and

the gunk out of there, you know. He's not doing great. That was a lift. That was Oregon. Yeah. Oh boy. You think he needs that? Yeah, he needs some of that.

It's a liver. Yeah. He doesn't need that. He was, he had a lot of bad in him. Oof. Yeah. The process. The process may be repeated several times. Hold on, Dave. Once is not enough. You're probably thinking that's plenty. Four or five times is what you got to go with. Get it right. Oh, you still have cancer? That's because you only did it once. Yeah, you still are gunky, my man. You can do it 75, 100 times, I think is good.

I just came back, the cancer is spreading. Well, what are you doing? You must be doing something between these. What are you doing? Are you gunking at home? Yeah, you're just putting random gunk in there, aren't you? Are you eating cancer, boy? That's our theory. We have a new cure called waterboarding.

Here we are. Here you go. What is dead may never die. Just half drown you. The result is that the undigested food and mucus are washed out and the hot water closes the blood vessels and reduces inflammation. A fucking unbelievable.

Oh that's right, some of this is just for a tummy ache. Yeah. Yeah. Well, your husband's no longer sick, cause he's no longer. He's no longer anything really. He's no longer anything to be honest with you. I love the idea of using hot to reduce inflammation.

Hot to reduce inflammation to be like, now those blood vessels stop working, things are pretty good inside. The relief is immediate. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yes. The relief from this mortal coil is immediate. The relief from breathing.

No more pain. No more taxes. No more nothing. No more piles, no more taxes. No more anything. No more nothing. No more piles of laundry, no more armies of dead rats you tried to control with strychnine because you misread the label. No more nothing. No more. Just that's it.

Just one more dead body. The dyspeptic may have his stomach washed out before a meal so that he can take a fresh tart. Oh my god. Now, guess who's hungry? Are you ready for a steak? Hey, coughing up my heart sure made me want pasta. Welcome to Olive Garden. We do it differently. Welcome to Olive Garden, we do it differently. Yeah. What's better than never ending breadsticks?

Never beginning breadsticks. After the lapse of a sufficient time for ordinary digestion, the stomach may be washed out again. This process has been in use at New York Hospital for some time. And this is by Scientific American. It's really good. Scientific American wrote that.

It works. Matt, do you have a sound effect to end that article maybe? Okay, feels like we've done all our sound effects. Oh. It sounded like water, but it was applause. It was applause. Well, Matt, thank you for joining us. Where can people follow you?

We are big fans of the videos that crush for you, which is where you are just either mocking the policies of our government or you skewer very well. Where can people follow you in all that? You can follow me over on Instagram, at MattLiebJokes, or you can follow me on Twitter, formally, the X, the everything app, the at MattLieb.

I'm still there, I'm going to leave. So are we. Oh, I forgot, I have one more plug to do. If you like me and my wife Francesca Fiorentini, then you're gonna love me and Francesca Fiorentini doing stand-up comedy. We're gonna be co-headlining Cobbs in San Francisco on May 7th, so please get your tickets now if you are in San Francisco or the San Francisco Bay area and you want to see some comedy on a Wednesday, then come out to Cobb's Comedy Club over in North Beach in San Francisco. It's going to

be super fun. Yeah, get your tickets now. You can find them on my social media or by Googling Matt Lee Francesca Fiorentini Cobb's Comedy Club. We'll see you May 7th. And then I'm on Blue Sky with, you know, hanging out with the Libs at Matt Lieb. You can find me there. And yeah. I'm also on Blue Sky. Listening to my podcast.

We're all on Blue Sky. We love Blue Sky. Don't we, Frank? It's the last refuge, the last place to go where there aren't just a bunch of fucking assholes. Yeah, it's kind of crazy. It's nice to remember how good we had it with Jack Dorsey. I know.

The insane Jack Dorsey. Can't just have a co-op, can we? Nope. Well thank you Matt and Dave, sorry to hear about your cancellation. That's tough. Oh, sorry. Huh? Cackered.

Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. you love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute

episode, I can't remember, of the Rube. You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. The more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.