The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 119 - The Batavia Shipwreck (Live)

Episode Date: September 30, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds discuss the shipwreck of the Batavia, live in Perth, Australia. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca host. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Dave Anthony and Gary Reynolds. Put your hands together for the Dallup Live!

Hey hey that's great because that started over here and it like quit real fast and I was like ah and then some other asshole hit it like a beach ball at a concert. 1598! I think this is our earliest 1598. It's early. Considering this is Perth you might know what's coming. Geronimus Cornelius. Awesome name. Yeah. Yeah a cartoon in my head already. I see it. You're gonna love this guy. He was born in the Netherlands. Nice. He trained as a apothecary. Apothecary. Sure yeah. And moved to Harlem Netherlands. There's just an extra A. Well there's an extra A so I don't know how they say it with their little Dutch accents. Not even Dutch.

That's a shout out to the Dutch people. What? Huh? I got it. Quacas. Then he rented a house, opened up a pharmacy and got married. Shit is fucking happening for this guy. He's taken off in the Netherlands. Got a good feeling. In November 1627 his wife gave birth to a baby boy. Nice. Right? Yeah. As a parent myself I can relate to that. What'd you name him? Quarry. That's a good name. But he likes Quareth. That's a good name. But she was bedridden for the last weeks of her pregnancy. The midwife they hired. I like how that's a crazy thing. She was in the bed a lot the last couple weeks. Isn't that what they do? No. You're spoiling

women in America? Not all pregnant women have to go lay down for weeks. They can they're mobile until it comes out. That's it. I mean it. It's fucking terrifying to watch. Not terrifying. Yeah. You watched all? It comes out of the vagina. You watched everything? Yeah. I had a video. Tag me. So she's bedridden so they hired a midwife to care for her. The midwife was quote deranged and dangerously incompetent. What was that on the resume? She was like well I could see her deranged and incompetent. I'm interested. No, no. It's just dangerously incompetent. Oh sorry. I clanced over that. Yeah. And is that blood that's written in the dangerously? It's blood. Yeah. That's

interesting to see. I stabbed myself in the breast and then I wrote with that. Sure. Sure. Sure. Okay. Well there's an hour break a day. Okay. I got a good feeling. Yeah. I think it's gonna be great. My wife's such a lazy bitch. The midwife danced and sang compulsively. Confessed. Sorry. Like. Yeah. Compulsively is the word. So I think that's a problem. That's a problem. There's not enough time to be midwifing while you're dancing like that. You can do both. It's just hard. Really? Yeah. There's a lot of dancing midwives. I'm definitely picturing the song Maniac playing. She confessed to suffering from

torments inside of her head. Sorry. Why do you get on board with her? You just are like. Well. There's not a lot of midwives. I guess. I mean I maybe they're too scared to fire her. Well she also slept with an axe beside her bed. So she's. She's. She's a different kind of midwife. Yeah. Sure. A murderer. And she left part of the placenta in the womb. Wait. I'm not supposed to do that. The placenta is supposed to come out and then you eat it. Are you sure about all of it? Devour the placenta. Okay. You and the doctor or midwife, everyone eats it together. Sure. And you just come up covered in blood and screaming.

Just classic baby birth stuff. Uh huh. Mm-hmm. So she became infected, which meant she could not breastfeed her son. So then they hired a wet nurse. Wait. Why not? I don't know. You know what a wet nurse is? I'm guessing it's the, you know, just like a surrogate tit. Yep. It's a surrogate tit. It's a surrogate tit. A surrogate tit. Yep. Right? You just someone. So there's a midwife who's dancing all the time and then just the breast for the baby to suck on. Yep. That's pretty much it. You're really doling out the. She moved the mic stand. That was awesome. No, no, it's fine. It's I loved it. It was great. Take, you know, take, don't take any shit from

anybody. Just get your shit done. Okay. I think we're good. I think we all. All right. So they hire a wet wet nurse. Now the wet nurse was known to cheat on her husband and she suffered from a mysterious long-term illness. Within a few weeks of moving in, the baby became very sick and then he died. Oh shit. From syphilis. The milk was syphilitic milk? I don't know. I don't know if you can catch syphilis from breast milk. I certainly haven't. We'll get into that. They're really not vetting the people they're hiring very well. No, these are bad hires. Can you tell if someone is syphilis doesn't like backbending your nose fall off or some

shit? Oh, that. Oh, well, sometimes, but apparently not for this lady yet. Okay. So this ruined Cornelius's reputation because if your baby dies of syphilis, everyone's like, well, you have fucking syphilis. Yeah. So by the middle of 1628, he was having serious money problems as his business fell apart. He knew that the his only chance of restoring his damage reputation lay in proving that his child had contracted syphilis from the wet nurse, not his wife. So now his life has gone from being a successful pharmacist with a baby to proving that the nurse had a syphilitic tit. Yep. Interesting. This is going to be fun. The

wet nurse responded to his allegations by saying that the wife was so riddled with venereal disease that all of her hair had fallen out and her scalp was covered with ulcers. Well, that's easy to disprove, right? I mean, you'd think so. Yeah, you. Is that not what's gonna happen? Well, the wet nurse then gathered a crowd outside of his shop and began cursing, beating her fists together and screaming that his wife was a whore. She's a whore! Whore! Whos eyes? My fucking crotchages! On fire! Such a whore inside there. Do they sell douches? What a whore. What a goddamn whore. Also, she said she would rip the wife's eyes eyeballs out. That's

hard. She's getting taken care of business. I don't know if she is. So, now... You know what a wife without eyes is? What? Whiff. Billy? That's an applause, Perth. When we were taking the boat today to go see the cuacas, Shia LaBeouf was on Ellen DeGeneres and he told that joke with fish. I thought you would know that. I can't watch like Shia LaBeouf. I actually... Everyone was like, well done! I have a rule that if I see Shia LaBeouf I have to stab myself in the eyes. That explains the journey. So, now, Cornelius just kind of haven't had enough and he went before his solicitor and turned over all of his possessions and money to pay his debt and then he

fled. Wait, why do you go pay your debt and then... He had all the debt. He just... He said, everybody take everything. I'm out of here. Well, because it... Because I think he was like my wife has syphilis so he just kind of fucked her over. Now she doesn't have a house. Yeah, but still take the shit. Don't... Don't settle. I mean... He didn't... But all the creditors were after him. He just wanted a clean slate. Guy wanted a clean slate. Start over. How about a start over? You sound like you've been hanging out with him a little bit. You're very defensive right now. I think he's got a good fucking idea. Guy's got a good idea. Cornelius applied for a job with the Dutch East India

Company. Love their stuff. Thanks for coming. It was the wealthiest and most powerful company on earth. Yeah. What didn't they do, right? Yeah. Girl, the life expectancy of someone sailing with them was about three years. I thought we were gonna get like an age. Nope. So roughly you would live three years on that job. Pretty much. It's a good job though. Good benefits. The benefit being... On a boat. Right. Okay. Right. Mm-hmm. So it's like we're gonna Amazon or Walmart. Do... Are we about to get into why people died so quickly on this? No, we're not gonna talk about it. So we are for sure. No, we're not. So we're about... Okay, because

I was just gonna ask what the fuck, but let's find out. No, we're not gonna find out. We're not? No. Are you fucking with me? No, it's just the life expectancy. It's hard being a seaman on a fucking ship. And you're... And it's the time when people didn't know where anything was. They're like, oh my god, there's a continent. And then shit happens. Okay. All right. Okay. It's the fucking early 1600s, man. There's the fucking serpents in the ocean and shit. You look that up. I sit on maps. I'll back off. Okay. So there were no tests or exams to be hired by the Dutch East India Company. No references were required to get employment. The only criteria were

that you had to sign a five-year contract and that you weren't Catholic. That's it. Five years... Sounds a little... No Catholic. Like Scientology. A little bit. The captain of a Dutch East India Company ship was not actually in charge of the ship. The man... Of course not. He's just the captain. Who's the god of the ship? The upper merchant. The upper merchant. Well, we always know how that goes. I remember that on the loveboat. Yes. Upper merchant. Clark. The upper merchant usually had no experience on ships. He was just responsible for the voyage being profitable. Okay. And so he could tell the captain to do whatever. Like stay at

this port, kick those guys off, blah, blah, blah. He could... All the captain had to take orders from him. So Cornelius got a job as the under-merchant. So he's just below the upper merchant. He's right below. But he's above captain? No, he's not above captain. He's like right around with captain. He's right around... But he can't tell the captain what to do only the upper merchant can. Can the captain tell him what to do? Fuck, I don't know. Okay. Just love to be the captain. It's like I didn't sign up for this shit. Everyone's in charge of the captain. So he was sailing within a month. Bam. Good. All right. Yeah. Two and a half more years

to go of life. He was assigned to the ship Batavia. Yeah. Shit just got weird, bro. But wait. You're in Perth. Batavia? Batavia? You're in Perth. Well, I don't... Not anymore. You're in Perth. Batavia. Okay. So, uh, so yeah. What you... What? Batavia. Okay, we said that. That guy screamed at me. It's over. It's over. Move on, bro. Okay, so they're in... So it's one of the greatest vessels sailing of that time. Sure. It had four decks, three masts, 30 guns, and a strong double hull. It cost nine million to build. Jesus Christ. Fuckin' nine mil. Back then? Yep. The ship sailed for Castle Batavia in Java. What? So just north of here,

there's an island. Okay. Called Java? And that's where they're headed. Right. What's Java's part in this? Coffee. Okay. That's where they had... They had a whole... That's where they're like, I don't know, overseas headquarters are. That's where they... Okay. They centralized all their shit. It is now Jakarta. What? Fuck you. I read a thing. Yeah. This is history. I researched it. You're a guy in the back who's drinking beer. Yeah. So there they have a castle. And in Java. And they are bringing gigantic sums of money. Equivalent about 19 million dollars today. Jesus. Yeah. It's in all these giant wooden chests and shit. And they have a

25 foot high prefabricated gateway weighing 37 tons that they're gonna go ahead and slap on that castle. A 37 ton gateway. Yeah. Gonna go ahead and slap it on the castle. Now see, to me that wouldn't be a red flag, but your tone tells me there's something off with this. You don't know what... You don't know what has meaning in here at all. Don't talk to me like that. That feels under... That's underhanded. Five smaller trading ships would be sailing with the Batavia in a convoy. Okay. So a bunch of ships cruising together. Sure. Over to... A conga line of ships to Java where there's a castle with an enormous gateway. The upper

merchant was Francisco Pelsart. Where's he from? I don't know. Originally I knew, but I cut it out because I thought it was boring. Okay. He had a good resume. He had gotten away with killing the wife of a nobleman in... Nobleman in India, and he had lent company funds to local indigo growers at 18% interest in pocketed the profits. But no one in the company knew that at the time, so they hired him on this bad boy. So resumes back then were supposed to be bad and that was good. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of in the topsy-turvy world at that point. Yeah. If you're a maniac dancing midwife, get on board. Well... If you're tits full of syphilis, hey,

feed that baby. Yeah. And then if you're a murderer and a swindler, hey, welcome aboard. The biggest company in the world, pal. We're going to the Java Island. That's right. Where there's a castle. You see, people are moaning now. Mostly because I have a thing where I'm reading a story and you're a guy in the back. He was in... So also there is a captain of the ship who was named Arian Jacobs. He was in his 40s. He was known to be a letcher. He was easy to anger and he liked to get shit-faced. I feel like we're gonna fall in love with this guy pretty soon. Like what I'm hearing. What's

his name again? His name is Jacobs. Yeah. And then there is... And then there is Lucretia Jans. She was on the ship. She was 27 and married to an under-merchant and she was sailing to Batavia to meet him. Right? So she's going to see her fella. Sure. In late October 1628, 340 people, including sailors, soldiers for the company and merchants and passengers, left the Netherlands. There was no fresh water to spare for washing on the ship. Okay. That's... Okay. So no washing at all? No one's taking a bath. Okay. So the plan is to not wash. That's the plan. Okay. The men stank of a stank of a sweat and garlic because they took garlic

to stay healthy. Oh Jesus Christ. Yep. It's a fucking nightmare. There's probably like this small like the steam coming off of that ship but it's just from balls. You could see it like a smokestack. You know I'm trying to run a really a really nice podcast. Huh? I'm trying to run like a nice podcast. But earlier you were talking about the Placena party. Where you guys... I don't think so. I mean you remember that? That was probably like eight minutes ago. I don't think so. Okay. I don't think anybody can vouch for that. And this certainly is not being recorded. Okay. And if it is, I'll just lose it. Thank you. Thank you. So Francisco and

Jacob stayed in what was called the Great Cabin, which was super, super luxurious. The name is very on the nose and I love it. Yeah. This is what we call the Great Cabin. Welcome. The sailors and soldiers were crammed into spaces below and were placed on separate decks because they did not get along and would fight if they were housed together. Okay. So now I think we're getting into something. So we have people below them who are... JD. JD. JD. JD. Same here. We have people below them who are treated like shit and then they're in the Great Cabin and those people are down below them getting upset. Well, we don't know

that. No, I know where we're headed. We're headed towards... There's gonna be some sort of... Let's just say a lot of the soldiers are gonna be partying in the Great Cabin soon. Oh. Oh, God. You're so... You're so innocent. Just want to hold clock and have fun, man. The soldiers' quarters were two decks down and they were allowed up on the deck for two 30-minute periods each day. Oh, man, the luxury. Under escort for fresh air and to go to the bathroom. Oh, my God. So just go up there and breathe and piss while someone watched you. Why just piss, bro? Well, because I thought we were doing a clean show. You just literally chastised

me. Well, that was a couple of paragraphs ago. So there were four bathrooms for 340 people. Oh, okay. So awesome. Two of which were used for the fancy people on board in the stern. Everyone else just used two of the bathrooms, which were just holes in the deck. Now, from the hole... No, no, no. Right. There's a hole and you put your bum in it. Yeah. And everyone's waiting in line. Right. And you're... You just shit into the water. Okay. I should have continued to stop you. So how many people, like, are we talking about, like, basically the 99% and the 1% as far as the bathrooms go? Yep. So you've got the 1% using the, you know, like, how

many people are using the one? Well, it's probably not that. Just the, like... Like 10? Like, there were some upper guys from the company. Fancy people. You called them fancy people. There's maybe 20 fancy people or something like that. 20 fancy people, 20 FPs. And then you've got the rest of the commoners going to the... Yeah, 300 people for two shitters. Okay. The holes. Uh-huh. So there's a rope that goes down. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. In the hole. From the hole. Goes down the hole. And then it goes into the ocean. So you would shit and then shit would get all over the rope. But then you would pull it up and you would use the part that was in the

water to wipe your bum. That's rope burn. Why, why, why is that the craziest thing possible? And what they did? Well, first of all, they're really into recycling. Because I think we could lose... It's a very green shift. I think we could lose the rope. I really think... Well, how else are you going to wipe your bum? I mean, many other options I would... But everything else you have to throw and then it's a piece of something you could keep. Like, they didn't have toilet paper. So they'd be wiping themselves off. Oh, sorry, this is before they poisoned oceans? No, but... My mistake. They don't want to, they need everything they have on the ship. They

don't have like room for... Toilet, but they don't have some sort of... They don't have toilet paper, man. It's a 1600s. So what do they... Rope. Everywhere is rope? Yeah, shit. Everyone's roping. Shit rope. Get your toilet rope! Shit rope. It's JD. He's a local Perth comedian. A toilet rope. Okay, well, I think we're all puzzled and ready to move on. So sometimes because of bad weather, it became too dangerous to go to the bathroom. So soldiers and sailors relieve themselves in corners or crouched over the ladders down to the hold. Dude, ladder-ducing? Yes, ladder-ducing. I mean, that's gotta be... Well, I do know... When we were on the ferry earlier, I had to

take a piss and that was hard. Well, there's a bathroom on that ferry. Yeah. I mean, if you're talking about... It would used to be worse. Being on a ladder and being like, all right. Yeah. I can handle this shit. Literally. I think it's fine to shit down to a ladder. Of course you do. You ate placenta. So sailors were not good people. Someone wrote that a sailor, quote, must be ruled with a rod of iron like an untamed beast. Otherwise, he is capable of beating up anybody. Cornelius the under-merchant and Jacobs the captain became friends. They both wanted to have sex with Lucretia Jans. I knew she was coming back. When you talked about her

before, I pictured her hot. She's hot. Yeah. She's fucking steaming. She is. The captain tried, but she turned him down, so he turned his attention to her servant, Zoanti. Hey. Yeah. At the Cape of Good Hope, Francisco, the upper merchant was taking time getting supplies. So Jacobs, Cornelius, and Zoanti took a boat and just started hitting up other ships in the bay, partying. Okay. And then Jacobs got ship-faced. As he's prone to do. And by the time Francisco returned, several complaints had been lodged. Uh-huh. Okay. So Jacobs was disciplined. And then Jacobs started talking to Cornelius about mutiny. Wait. Okay. So they're talking

about mutiny on their ship. Mm-hmm. Because they had to enforce, like, because people were pissed at them, so now they were getting in trouble. Well, they were having a party. They were having a boat party. Yeah. I get a boat party, dude. And they came back. Boozy's the whole nine. There's some fucking Tim Tams on the stage. Yeah, no, she said I'm over there. We'll get to him. Don't worry, Dave. Are you gonna be able to focus? Should we hide them a little bit from you? It's gonna be fucking hard. Here you go, buddy. Oh, all right. No, no, no. We'll get him later. We'll go get him later. We'll get him later, bud. Go get him. Go

get him, Tim Tams. He must smell my Tim Tams. So, yeah, so then he got disciplined and he was like, fuck you, I'm gonna take over the ship. So other guys were up with the idea. Yeah, why would they not be? They're like, we're sick of you under the bathroom on ladders. Van Heysen, an army cadet, said he would be, quote, amongst the first to jump with a sword into the cabin in order to throw Francisco overboard. It would be great if they were like in the early phase of planning when he said that they're like, easy, buddy, easy. We're gonna figure out a couple things. Slow it down. We'll get a sword, we'll go in there, we'll kill him.

Push him out of the boat. Now we might have, maybe we talk to him. After they left the Cape of Good Hope, Captain Jacobs drifted the ship slowly away from the other ships in the convoy, which happened back then. You'd be like, oh, that ship's moving away. And you'd be like, we're all going to the same place. Yeah, we'll see. We'll catch up. Sure, it's like different ubers. It is like different ubers. What isn't. Then Francisco fell ill with a fever, possibly malaria. And for 20 days, the barber slash surgeon. I'm sorry? The ship had a barber slash surgeon. You can't combine a wet nurse and a midwife, but a barber and a surgeon is the same fucking

job. Yeah. Well, he went to two schools. He double majored. Not a lot of people getting a minor in surgery. No. People still should, though, especially if you're barber college. And I'm assuming the surgery was the minor. So he tried different treatments to cure him. Nothing was working. Meanwhile, Jacobs just took over the ship because who else is going to run it? Sure. Zwanti became his lady. Okay. If anyone ever made a sour face to Zwanti, he would not leave it unrevenged. Okay. I mean, a lot of people would make sour faces on a boat where nobody can bathe. I think it would all be sour faces. Yeah. So you'd

be like, how do you not make a sour face when you're at the shit rope? But it doesn't mean that you're making it at Zwanti. I mean, true. But yeah, okay. So if you're around Zwanti, no matter what smells like, you're like, Hey, hey, hey. Hi, Zwanti. Hey. Zwanti is a beautiful name. Right? It's very easy to say. He then told her that he would destroy her mistress. So that's the, that's the Lucretia, Luc, whatever her name is. Lucretia. Why? Because she doesn't like, because she's a fucking servant, so she doesn't like her mistress. That's just how it worked, especially on a ship. Just kill her because she's got a bad job? Well,

she's probably mean to her or whatever. Maybe she's too hot. I don't know. From what I've heard, she sounds fabulous so far. A picture, sort of like in a skiing outfit. With those little, sort of like furry ankle parts. Furry ankle parts? Don't act like you don't know about furry ankle parts. Yep. See, we're fine. In May, Francisco suddenly recovered. From malaria? Yep. I did not see that coming back then. And he also had a beautiful haircut. Sam was amazing. Amazing. 20 days just getting little trims. Yeah. Jacobs and Cornelius had thought he was going to die and they would just take over the ship.

So they hatched a new plan and arranged for Lucretia Jans to be attacked by masked members of the crew. Oh my god. Not good. Okay. And then they'll claim that he was one of them and then try to fucking kill him. Right. Well, no. Since the men would be masked, they figured that Francisco wouldn't know who to punish, so he'd just punish everybody. Right. And then everyone would be mad and they'd help him take over the ship. Okay. So they had mask money, but they didn't have money for fresh water to bathe. Yes, is the answer. Yes. Have we got all the masks? Yeah. What about more water? No, as long as we got the mask, we have a

ladder. Worst case, we'll do the rope thing. Rope thing on a rope swing. You know how we do. So she was attacked on the evening of May 14th by eight men. But she knows she's getting attacked, right? No. She doesn't? They don't even let her know. Lucretia Jans? No, she has no idea. Okay. Because the member hits the mistress. He doesn't fucking mind. Sorry, I was thinking of Zwanti. No, Zwanti's fine. When aren't I thinking of Zwanti? Zwanti's excited about this. Got Zwanti on the dome. The assault took seconds. And when it was over, her face and legs and genitals had been covered, smeared with tar and dung. Whoa. That's how you

did it back then. Where's the dung coming from? Well, the rope. But the rope tar? They're just throwing tar on genitals in this fucking fake assault? I mean, look, I'm sure some of us have had tar on our genitals. It's not fun. Yeah, I would say that I would have said where did the tar come from, but you said where the dung come from. Well, I'm also curious about the tar. Sorry that I only have questions. I think they have tar on a ship to repair the ship as it's cruising along. Well, don't you worry why I didn't ask about tar? Anyway, well, anyway, now it's all over her vagina. Her vagina? Mm-hmm. Oh, check it out. The

people have spoken. Yeah. You are Francisco, and these people are the soldiers of the Batavia. Hey, buddy, unsubscribe. You. Show him not downloading that line. So, Francisco did nothing. Cool. So, he's a good dude. He's like, well, I don't care if your pussy's on cover. But he was also trying to fuck her earlier, right? Okay, if your pussy's covering tar and dung, I'm still gonna get in there, shit. Girl. Girl. That's what I like. Now we're talking. I'll get all stuck in there. I can't get out. Make Francisco work for that shit. Girl, you smell like tar and shit. Are you wanting me to fuck you? Is that what's going on

right now? I haven't said anything. Yeah, but you got the smell. Do we have any money for ice? You best be talking about meth. Because this party's about to get going. What year are you from? I don't know, girl. I'm just on a silver suit. I'm just on a motherfucking ship. I should go. Launch me aboard. So, because he knew why that had happened, he was like, this is clearly a fucking setup. They know they're gonna try to get me here. So, her vagina just is gonna take this shrapnel in the game of chess. Yeah, look, at the end of the day, the worst thing that happens on this ship, as you guys all know, is that vagina got fucked up. Everything else is

fine. Well, David. But he thought Captain Jake was behind the attack. He's like that motherfucker's up to some shit. So, next. So, I mean, I don't know what's crazy. You're planning on tarring and pooping a vagina or knowing who's behind and it not like working, not everybody knowing it's you. But there's nothing he can do because he ain't got no proof. Right. You can't fingerprint tar. That is, that is exactly right. And they had those masks. So, who would figure it out? No one. Yeah. So, they started plotting again. Their next idea was to just throw Francisco overboard. Well, and see, now a vagina is harmed for no, just throw him overboard.

Fuck him. Go with that one. I don't think anybody who knows the history of the story doesn't think an innocent vagina was harmed. My heart goes out to that vagina. Well, here in, if you go down to Fremantle, you will find a bronze statue of the vagina. And people act weird when you kiss it. Okay. So, on June 23rd, 1629, Francisco was in his cabin. I'm sure this is just gonna be a regular day in the great room. Suddenly, he felt the ship shaking and the rudder touching ground. Whoa. And the keel running against cliffs. They were shipwrecked. Oh, fuck. All fucking bets are off now. What the fuck? Okay. This is only gonna

hurt everything, I feel. The great majority of survivors were soldiers and sailors with some petty officers, carpenters, and blacksmiths, and around 20 women. Yeah, some surgeons and blacksmiths. Barber, Barber, Barber, blacksmith. Yeah. Blacksmith, captain. Banker, stylist. The usual. Cleaner, horseman. Yeah. There were also a bunch of cabin boys. Psychic whore. Psychic whore. Yeah. Fisherman. Sure. Fisherman. So there are also a bunch of cabin boys, aged about 14. Well, that's an interesting wrinkle in some way, isn't it? About 130 men, women, and children were put ashore on Beacon Island. Another 70 men,

including Cornelius, were stranded on the wreck. Jacob's put 40 sailors on a small island close to the wreck. Jacob's party included Francisco and all of Batavia's senior officers. They had food, charts, navigational instruments, as well as a longboat, which is a very large... But they're going to the island. Okay, so there's a bunch of people on Beacon Island, there's a bunch of people on another island, and then there's guys on the ship. Okay, and which ones are the... are fancy boys? Fancy boys are on the island with not a lot of people, but they're on an island. Right, okay. So the great room is now an island. Yes. Pretty much. Yes. As supplies

dwindled, Francisco has finally convinced that he should take the longboat and head for the mainland to look for water. Cool. Yeah. The longboat was designed for no-born that about 40 people, so he took 48. Well, right off the bat, a good call. Including Zwanti and her two-month-old baby. When did Zwanti have a fucking baby? Well, when... Zwanti got a baby? Yeah, Jacob's put some shit up in there. And they just had the baby on... How did they do it on the fucking shit ladder? What are they supposed to do? Get on the shit ladder! Hold on! They're gonna do a pullover? Push till we catch it in a blanket. You say that like it's a joke. Zwanti, good news, bad news. We lost the baby, but we have a clean

robe for you. Well, people are so not into you. This is gonna be the guy after the show is like, sorry I was so loud, I was just having so much fun. You're like, yeah, you wouldn't shut the fuck up, bro. Francisco sailed up the western coast of Australia looking for water and described it as, quote, an evil place. You know, it's funny because I completely forgot about how the fuck are we gonna get here. Oh, we're here. Oh, shit. I don't... I have no idea what you're saying. It's... He said the land here appears very bleak. Then on June 16th, Francisco decided to sail the long boat to Batavia. He's going to Java. Sure. Yeah, go to the Java castle, huge gateway. No, about 900 miles away.

Oh, cool. So just... Yep, getting the boat. It's gonna be a while. It's a journey. So off they went. Now, on the Batavia, 70 men were stranded and it was partly filled the water and was quickly falling apart, which it finally did after eight days. That's not a lot. 20 men survived by swimming to shore of Beacon Island. Okay. That's where most everybody is. Right. Cornelius was the last man to escape the Batavia alive. He was the senior company official at Beacon Island and within a day... They're still like throwing out like official names on their ship, right? Well, I'm the president of this fucking nightmare. I know we're on an island now, but I'm done. All right, guys. Well, we'll get berries and water soon. Let's talk about the

monarchy with the makeup of it. I would like a crown. I'm gonna want 5% berry tax. I'm assuming this place has a shitload of berries. Within a day, he was elected to lead the council of the survivors that set up. Who's voting? Get your shit... Let's find food. Forge. Well, someone's gonna be in charge to tell people what to do. If it's anything like the states, the election buildup is gonna be like a year and a half of non-science. Oh, God. Fucking kill me. Fucking dying by the time you actually get some shit done. I would rather be on the Batavia than listen to Donald Trump for fucking a year. Wow. You guys be careful because that's our next president, goddammit. And you're illegals. It doesn't matter where you live in the world, you'll all be

designated illegals. He sent out hunting parties, supervised the erection of more tents, and oversaw the construction of boats. So he's getting shit done. He erected tents. I knew you were gonna say that. What? I'm just saying. I was trying to think of another word. So the first order of business is he gets a bunch of boners? We're having fun. Hey. You're the parent of a quaca now. Act like it. Quaca, quaca. But by the third week of June, Cornelius started to make different plans. He recruited a ship's clerk to organize the men and separated them from the other survivors, housing them in two tents together with their weapons. He then collected all the swords and muskets from everyone else on the island. You say swords? Or swords. I did say

swords. I said swords. How's it going? I don't think I've ever heard anybody just keep taking roundhouse kicks to the face and keep doing the same thing. Sorry, as your friends, we're saying shut up. Yeah, no one's enjoying it. Shut up. I know, tretz is hard. At least with tretz, it's funny. Right? It is funny. You know, when I was starting out, I worked at a wedding and as a caterer and I worked at a wedding and there was a guy in back who kept going, oh, man, I was like fucking someone's like, he's got tretz. He's the brothers. He's the groom's or another bride's brother. He's the bride. He's the bride's brother. And so they had him in back. So I hope, you know, he obviously couldn't control himself. And then they got to the point where they were like, does anybody have anything,

any reason why these two people shouldn't get married? And he yelled, she's a cunt! And there was a moment where I was like, holy fuck. Did that just happen? And then everyone just started laughing. That's Larry. Oh, man. Priest vamping when cunts set in church. Well, the morn made the cunt. Oh, boy. Amazing work. The cunt is, all right. So there simply weren't enough supplies for everyone. So next, a group of 40 men, women, and children were taken to a nearby island called Seales Island on rafts. So is there really no long-term plan to get on? I mean, Oh, there's a plan. Someone has a plan. Is it you?

These people were given a few barrels of water and promised that fresh supplies would be sent to them whenever needed. Yeah, well, Amazon. You know what, you'll get me three days. You guys have fun on Die Island. I'm sorry. Did we say Die? I mean, Thriveland. Thrive. New Thriveland. I did not mean you're going to die. No. Not having food. And if you need us, just throw a bottle. Yeah, we'll be over here on the island with all the stuff. Yeah, stuff islanders. We're calling it burden island. It's like fewer people island. Just a nightmare. We don't know where to sleep with all the ham. It's just... A group of 15 went to what was called Traders Island. Now, you'd think if they put you on Traders Island, you'd be like,

I don't think I should be on Traders Island. Yeah. Yeah. Why, you don't trust us? Well, no, Trader, get on that fucking island. No, no, I don't. I should be on Friend Island. Sorry. Unfortunately, we don't have room for Friend Island. Can I be on Blowjob Island? I will. Hi. You know, we can do a trial on Blowjob Island someday. Okay. See what we think. So 15 went to Traders Island to search for water. And 20 men were dropped off to look for water on another nearby small island. So they were putting people around in different places. Sure. So those 20 were all soldiers loyal to the company, and they weren't given a boat to return in or weapons. Well, why would they request that? I mean, they're among friends. This is a fine situation.

They just took them over to boat and they went, we'll be back. Yeah. Yep. Take care, guys. Oh, here's your ladder. Those guys were told to light a signal fire if they found water, and then some boats would be sent for them. But Cornelius thought that he would just send them off and they would die of dehydration on that island. Okay. So it was the plan. Right. Okay. Off to die. Right. Cool. Cool, dude. Fun. They were led by a soldier named Webby Hayes. Sure. He could shoot webs. Which are actually full of water. Yes. So. So you know this story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. About Webby. On July 4th, a man. Is there any explanation why his name's Webby? I just think people didn't have good names back then. It is astounding how bad the names were.

Oh, it's fucking crazy. Hey, Webby. Why am I called Webby? Fuck it. You know, crazy. Fuck it or crazy? Fuck it. We're crazy. Fuck you, Webby. Get the fuck out of here. Go stand in back and shout shit. On July 4th, a man named Abraham Hendricks tapped a wine barrel and got plastered. Okay. Well, this guy is the only guy so far that's done anything. He's like, ah, fuck it. I'm going to get this shit. And he just got hammered on the island. Why not? Yeah. I was just, I thought you were going to go against him. Big fan of his plan. Yeah. Fuck it. I agree. His plan to fuck it is what? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Shit hand. He also got a gunner drunk.

He's like, bro, come over here. Let's do this. I'm having trouble finishing the whole fucking barrel. I want to be drinking alone. Here, let's get two straws inside. Let's suck it like a fucking milk shake. Yeah, girl. What's your name? Gunner? Hi, Gunner. You know, wine can be very hydrating. You can call me. You know, there's wine in water. What? There's wine inside of water. What's that? What? I miss Flappy. Anyway, uh, they've, they found them drunk. And Cornia has told the council that they should kill them. Jesus. What? That's pretty fucking harsh. Also, when you're drunk and you got to cover it up with wine mouth, it'd be like, okay, let's, no, we have one glass. I don't think it's working on

this over one glass. I don't know. I'll blow it. If anything, he was the one drinking more of it. Yeah, and I'll... Which K.I.M. bought it. What? Yeah, fuck you. Hey, I'll blow into it, but I think it's just a spoon. No, let's not fuck it. Just a second stick? No, I didn't suck a stick. I was taking a breathalyzer test. What year are you from, bro? Did you guys start drug use charm travel? Oh, man, Donald Trump is my president. It's a DUI, dying under intoxication. Thanks, guys. Okay, so the counselor, we're, we're down with killing Abraham, but not the gunner. They're like,

the gunner got sucked into it. Okay, sure. And then Cornelia's flipped out and yelled, how can you not let this happen? Nevertheless, you will soon have to resolve on something quite else. Quite? Sorry, what was the last part? On something quite else. Quite else. And everyone was like, what? What? What? I'm sorry, what's that? Huh? Did you... What does that mean? And he was like... And he did a little walk away. I can only assume he did a little walk away. He put on a hat and a little pipe. Is he the penguin? Yep. This is the story. This is the origin story of the penguin. So, so, so he just said that enrolled? Yeah. And everyone's like, what did that mean? Exactly. See you. So the next day, Cornelius dissolved the council.

I guess he can do that. I don't know why everyone's like, well, no, we're still going to be the council. No, I'm done with that. No, that's over. And then he picked a new council with his bros. Okay, so he had a bronzel. Hendricks was executed by drowning. Well, it's gotta be an easier... Use a sword or something. Right? Yeah. Why you gotta drown the motherfucker? Why do you have to drown him? I don't know. It's the waters, water around. That's a whore. I mean, to me, you give me options. Yeah, but a sword, you gotta hack and hack and hack. Dude, drowning is like... I mean, yeah. No, drowning's not great. No one's saying drowning's great. I'll tell you what you could do is try to

cut my head off underwater. I like that. Hedge the bets. Quickest, you know, survival of the worst way to go. Plus, he's drunk. I mean, he's not drunk. He's hungover, which is a bummer. So maybe you don't want to be hit on the head when you're... The neck when you're hungover. I've got a splitting neck. I overdid it last night. So they killed that guy. And then Cornelius accused two carpenters of plotting to make off in a homemade boat. Now, this is only based on rumor. It was just a rumor floating around. The boat rumor was floating around? There's a boat rumor. These two guys were going to get on a boat they made and take off. And so he just had them killed. Because of the rumor mill? Yep. That's why you shouldn't gossip, gang. One assassin pierced the carpenter

with a sword, which he boasted later that it went through him as easily as a butter. See, that's why I want that over drowning. Right? Caught me like butter. So obviously fewer people means more food, right? Yeah. So they're kind of trimming the herd a little bit. Okay, population control. It's gonna be fine. Making plans. How many have they killed so far? Just three. Three. Okay. It's not that bad. Oh, and then they sent all the people to the other islands to die. Well, they're like, you know, I'm starting to think there's no water here. Light a fire. Let them know to come back. Cornelius then decided to send reinforcements to Webby Hayes. Of course. Why wouldn't you? Oh, Webby? His idea was to send several small parties

with three or four people at a time to Webby Hayes Island. Everyone would stay until water had been found. No one thought that that was a weird idea. No. Right. A group of 10 men, six of whom were loyal to Cornelius, took off in a boat. After a little bit, the six attacked the four guys, tied their hands and feet, and then tossed them into the water to drown. Jesus. We're down a couple. We're down some more guys. It's pretty awkward when you're like, man, this is pretty beautiful. What the fuck's going on? Hey, some fun. It's party. Let's have some fun. Yeah, let's go to party island. The fourth guy was spared when he quickly pledged his loyalty to the mutineers. You guys. No, no, I'm on your side, guys. The other three are like flailing in the water like,

I didn't know that was a fucking option. The fuck, I'm with you two motherfuckers. Fine. I would have said I'd go over to your side. I'll do anything. I'll turn a vagina. We don't have any more positions open for a vagina tires. And they're still like able to keep their heads above for a while to negotiate. Hey, hey guys, I feel like it'll hurt me. All right. I'm ready to do whatever really started to sink. Can I have a handful of nuts? A handful of nuts? How about I'm drowning? What? What do you mean a handful of nuts? I just left some food. I don't want to cry. So you're in your in your world. You're drowning and you yelled, may I have a handful of nuts?

I mean, this is when I'm like running out of stuff. Like I've overpitched already on why it'd be great to like keep a board. And I'm just like, look, I love nuts. I'll stop. Two days later, another cadet and the Batavia's upper Trumpeteer was drowned. Oh man, why? Who's going to play upper trumpet? I know. What the fuck? That's the most important. Have you heard the lower Trumpeteer? Losers. You're not ready for the spotlight, baby. Holy shit. You want to lower? Oh my God, I can't believe you killed the upper Trumpeteer. Jesus Christ.

Are you hearing what the lower guy's doing? This is dog shit. This is so fucking bad it may as well be on our rope right now. Hey, hey, stop fucking improvising. Hey, hey, hey, Miles. Never amount to nothing. Then after 20 days, Webby Hayes surprisingly found fresh water. Oh my God. Good old Webby. And he set up smoke signals as he was told to do. As Cornelius watched, two handmade boats full of desperate people were preparing to launch from Trader's Island to head over Webby Hayes Island where there was water. And so seven of Cornelius's men

headed for Trader's Island. And when they got there, they started attacking everyone. They drowned three men, eight men were killed by swords, and three women were drowned. So don't go for the water. What? So I guess I'm starting to not know why everyone's getting killed, so just because you're worried about supplies? I feel like there's not a plan at this point. So the plan is to just sort of like vote them off, but with swords and water. Yes, swords and water. Yeah. Yeah, they're killing people. Now they're just killing people. They're like, oh, here's the reason. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so they're just...

No, you're right. It's fucking insane. They're just killing people just to kill people. That's how it seems. Because it wouldn't matter if they went and got... If it's fresh water, it's like... Well, you don't even know the deal yet. It's not like you went over there and you're like, there's not a lot of water. Right. You're just like, oh, fire, water. Go fucking check that out. Kill them. I don't know how much water is there, but fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. Okay. The 130 survivors on Beacon Island were able to watch the massacre on Trader's Island from... So they can see it from their island. They're just over there like, this is... Well, this seems bad. Wow. Am I crazy? Is that fucking nuts? That seems...

I think we picked the wrong guy to lead us. I don't think we voted for him, really. Well, we didn't vote for Bush. And look at how good he did. Have faith. Have faith in this unelected official. Whatever he did, he never ate an onion out of a bag. Whatever he did, he didn't. You know, Cornelius said he's going to invade Trader Island because they have a lot of water over there. We're also going to liberate the people. They're going to greet us as liberators. All right. So the people are watching. Up until this point, they actually thought Cornelius was a pretty good leader.

Well, up until this point, I understand sort of why. No. I mean, a little bit. Like, I mean, this is the first time when you're just like, wait, why is he killing them? Before he had reasons. Well, I may have quoted for those of you listening. Reasons. So now they're starting to think, well, he's bad. Now it just seems like he's killing. Now it just seems like he's killing people. But they had no weapons to do anything. And with no other option, dudes just tried to declare their loyalty to him. Isn't that what's so wrong with us? Like you'll, you'll like just be like, fuck,

he's really the worst that he's hurting people. Get on his side as fast as you can. On his side. On his side. Sign up with him as fast as possible. Holy shit. Did you see him kill all those people? Well done, Cornelius. I'm with you. Another tremendous battle fought. They didn't see that one coming. Oh, I can't smile. I guess I'm smiling when you're around. You are truly fantastic. Wow. What a guy. Give me a slice of what you're doing. I'm into it.

Those who didn't pledge their loyalty began to be forced to. Cornelius invited a German soldier named Hans Hardens. He was German? Yep. Him and his wife to dinner. I love that during all this, there's a couple. Well, you want to have his wife there because she really knows how Hans hardens. Oh, fuck you. No, that's good. That's the porn version of, but some porn guy was like, there's got to be a, there's got to be a porn story in this Batavia thing somewhere.

I've been jerking off to the dollop for months. Hans, something hot has to happen. Tony Magina was close, but just missed the mark with me. Hello, I am Hans Hardens. Hello, Hans. Hello. Do you see what's happening? You have a... My pants. Leader Hosen. Got a huge erection.

Yeah. Okay, you're hired. Obviously, I'm going to hire you. I'm not an idiot. So while they had dinner with our Cornelius, he sent someone over to kill their daughter. Wait, wait, wait. He, he... Cornelius sent... Okay. No, not Hans. Super fucked up, but I thought Hans was like, killer, I'll have the veal. Okay.

Okay, so just standard dinner stuff. Why can I ask... That's why it's called the Dutch dinner. Right. Why though? Just because... Well, three days later, Hans swore an oath of loyalty to Cornelius. Right. Because he's like, well fuck, then he'll kill my wife or whatever. So I'll just, I'll be on board. Good. Bro.

It's good. It's good when you have the numbers. Yeah. And you do stuff like this. In the middle of July, the mutineers were walking the island fully armed and taking what they wanted for themselves. Quote, the whole day long, it was their catch call. Who wants to be boxed in the air? It's in the air. So they just walk around... Right here, two boxings. One on each, please. It's just natural that when you get in a situation like this, this fucking shit is gonna happen.

It's just a matter of time until you're like, it's animal farm. It's nice to see people come together. Yeah. Yeah, you have a bunch of people. To kill other people. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, what is their plan? It's... To just shoot a reality show eventually? You can't see it. It's coming together greatly.

No, but they, I mean, are they just happy? I think so. Are they just like, it's kind of fun. I think this is the first time a bunch of dickheads have got to run something. It would be like if the bouncers from a bar got to run a country. Even if it was just a tiny country, they're like, this is ours. No, bro. Not getting in with those shoes. Not in Bouncerville.

Hey, cut his head off. Cut his fucking head off. All right. I got two coming out of the country. I can let two in. I got two coming out of the country. I can let two in. Not you, the girls. Not you, the girls, dickheads. The girls can come in. Fuck you.

You can't come in this country with that shirt on. Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus Christ. Bro, bro, bro, bro, ID, bro. Hey, behind the rope. It's the name of our country, behind the rope. Behind the rope. Get ready.

Hey, you see this? You see this? You see this? Dude, you should be the fucking president of this shit, bro. That's what I'm talking about. Look at those fucking sips, man. Look at the fucking president's triceps. Dude, he's gonna fucking leave this shit out of this shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking shit, dude.

Oh, my God. I bang this shit. Also, we're closed during the day. We open at seven. Sorry, bro. That's Bouncerland, bro. Hey, no blow in here. Give me that. Give me that. Give me that. I'll keep that right there. From a journal, quote, on July 12th, one man begged that he might be allowed to say his prayers. But Zavonk threw him to the ground and cut his throat. Just say your prayers.

Let the guy say his prayers. But in that time when you're begging to say your prayers, make it prayers. Just be like, I'm talking to you, God. I'm talking to you, my man. Instead of being like, sir, may I please talk to God for a second? Well, I'm like, oh, I said it. Restless back. The carpenter begged bitterly for his life, whereupon Zavonk and the others went to Cornelius and said that he was a good carpenter and he should be spared.

Sure. But Cornelius answered, not at all. He is only a turner. And furthermore, he is half-lame. Half-lame? Yep. Half-lame. What did lame mean, then? Like, I think you're like crippled. Oh.

That's what they called it. Crippled lame. Thought he was just like, he does not know how to party. I just fucking looks at us. Those would be their terms back then. Yeah. But he's only half-lame. Sure. So he's half-chill.

So he's like dragging a leg. That's how I see this. Yeah. Guy dragging a leg. Okay. So he also had to go. They killed that guy. Cool. The next victims were people in the sick tent.

What the fuck? Let them go. They're sick. They were eleven of them and they had their throats cut one night. One night? Yeah. Well, they were... They were taking up food and water and stuff and they're sick. Sorry. Is there no plan to get... They're just going to kill? Well, if you're...

I mean, how long do you have to be sitting? Well, first of all, if you're in the sick tent and you're number eleven, you're a fucking pussy. Move, buddy. What are you saying? That if you're like... If you're in one tent or two tents and everyone's getting their throats lit, you're like, I don't think this is a list.

Well, how... Maybe you're really sick. Yeah, I'm somewhat... I mean, I'm sure... It's not like there's a guy in there laying there, like, I got those sniffles. Like, they had... Just want my Netflix and some tea. Aw! Can I pray? Over the next three days, four men became sick and they went to the sick tent and they had their throats cut.

Don't go to the sick tent! Dude, that's why you can't combine barber and surgeon. I can just shave a necks. My medical opinion, I should cut his throat with a straight edge. Best case scenario with a technique like that, he's probably got a two to three minutes. Uh, they retrieved all the clothes they could from the ship, which included gold trimmings.

Cornelius then covered himself in gold trimmings. What a fucking dickhead. So that the material was barely visible. What a fucking dickhead. Oh! He's just walking around in gold. In gold. He's walking around in gold while he's just sitting, fucking, slitting sick people's throats. In gold.

I mean, and this is happening in how long? This is like weeks. It's like, yeah, it's right. It's, it's, it's like a couple of months. So within a couple of months, he's gone. He's covering himself in gold. Dude, yes! I am Cornelius the gold man.

Hey fellas, what are you doing? Welcome to Burning Man. I'm Cornelius. We all worship this wood thing. How great is this island thing? I'll tell you, yeah, it really is like celebrity. It's like when it's, yeah. Yeah.

He's like, I am. Yeah. He's like, I have immunity. Yeah. On the island. There he is. We got distracted by beer. Sorry, girl.

Just covering himself in gold. Yeah. And then, so he's covered in gold. So you couldn't even see him. Is anybody at this point, you can what? You couldn't even see the material of his clothing. He was so covered in gold. Because he's just covered in gold.

He's just gold. Which had to have been hot. Yeah. You mean the look, hot look. I mean, it's, it's hot this fall. Everyone's talking about gold trimmings. I think it's, I think it's July. Yeah, it's July. So it's hot.

Okay. It's July, July, July and Perth. Pretty good. Oh, that's winter. Oh, you guys are on the wrong part. Yeah. So they're on the bottom of this place. So it's cold. So it's cold, but still the trimmings will, I mean, gold.

Gold keeps you very warm. Keeps you up. It's very warm. It's like mittens for the body. I've always said that. I've always said that. Then he made special outfits for his henchmen. They wore a loser.

They wore red outfits with gold trims. So people are dying and starving. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't have any clothes and he makes special suits for guys. He's killing them. He's killing them. And then his buddies are in gold trimmings. I mean, half a dozen.

How fucking I honestly, it really, it really is just like, what is America right now? We just have eight people in gold trimmings and the rest of us are like, don't get killed. Oh God, that's horribly true. Oh, it's totally happening. It's totally happening. Yeah.

And we're just like, you know what you got to do? You either got to get gold trimmings or get out. Why don't we take away the gold people? No, no, try to be one. Yeah, try to be one. That's the American dream. Yeah. I could be a gold trim guy.

Yeah. Right now I'm a fucking plumber, but someday I'll be the gold trim guy. Slash surgeon. Hey. All right. So now they have special outfits. So they're all covered in gold. And he wore every day.

Cornios wore a different outfit. What a fucking prick. Well, the remaining survivors just had one set of clothes each. Yeah. And they're all like, what the fuck is going on? He's like, no. Friday. You know what I want on Friday?

Was that a cough? No. No. No, I feel quite healthy. You know what's great is no one's getting sick anymore. Cut his throat. Cut that one's throat. What?

I just said no one's getting sick. I just want to hear what it sounds like from down there. Better. Bring me some gold to eat. The henchmen back Cornelius, the mutineers, because he told them that when Francisco returned, they would seize his ship and become pirates. Oh, well, how could you not get on board with that fantasy?

It's a great plan. Sure. Yeah. That's great. Become a ragtag bunch of pirates. Well, your gold friend is on the island? And he planned to set up his own kingdom on the island. Sure.

No, I was just going to say, I mean, as far as foraging, it's shelter than kingdom. At least he has a plan now. Yeah, he has a plan. You've been bitching about him not having a plan. Yeah, no. He wants to be a pirate and have a kingdom. How about try to get the fuck out of the shipwreck situation?

Why would you do that when you can be a pirate and have a kingdom? I guess you're right. It's hard to fault Cornelius a little bit. At least someone here is doing something. Yeah. We have our Jafar. By the 14th of the month, he had killed 50 men. Jesus, fuck you.

How many were there? Three, four? Well, on this island, there were 130. So now the population of Beacon Island is around 90 people. Half of them were loyal to Cornelius. And the other half were like, I guess I want to die. Now, there were also 40, Cornelius, okay, there's 40 men, women, and children on nearby Seales Island, right, that he put over there.

Sure. And now he told his men to go over there and kill them. Jesus Christ. Oh, but why? But leave the ladies alive. I don't like that if you're a lady. Oh, that's going to be your name, Pussy Island. Ugh.

I don't like that if you're a lady. Oh, that's going to be your name, Pussy Island. Ugh. Oh, my God. You guys... He really is just creating Pussy Island. He really is. It's going to be their vacation spot.

Not for the ladies. No, definitely not for the ladies. So... You'd be like, any more of that tar left? Love to get a rep. So they did as they were told. They went over there and just started killing people. Eight men managed to escape on boats.

They had made themselves and went to Webby Hayes Island. Webby? I never thought I'd be glad to say that word. Oh, there's some shit going on. Do you know what's going on? Webby, thank God. Webby, are you a sight for sore eyes? All right, Webby.

We get it. We get it. You can do that. Webby, listen. You're making me miss the other island already, which is all righty, Webby. Webby. You know, I'm not only Webby.

I'm also a photographer. Some cabin boys survive by hiding in the bushes. The cabin boy life has got to be the worst. Oh, it's terrible. What do you do? Oh, boy. Look at them all. In the bushes, in the bushes.

I'm careful. You ever miss food? On July 18th, six men were ordered by Cernayus to go back and kill the remaining four women and 15 surviving cabin boys. Four women and 15 surviving cabin boys? Yeah, so four women survived that massacre, and then he was like, there's still a bunch of young dudes and women over there,

so go kill them. Kill them all? Just kill everybody? You know what, on Pussy Island was a bad idea. You can't pull the plug on Pussy Island that fast? I am. I'm Cernayus. You do have the most gold.

But so, again, there is the only plan is to just, to continue to just kill. Well, this is how you make a kingdom. Is it? I think so. This is how England happened, right? I feel like that was much more organic. I think this is exactly how it started.

England. No? I remember Wimbledon. I mean, that's kind of where I started with England. It was like Wimbledon and then the rest is wherever. Sun never sets. Cernayus next had a baby strangled. Dude, how fucking easy?

Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was crying a lot. I mean, I've been on planes. It was a crying baby. So you're stuck on a fucking island. I mean, all right. But you have other islands.

Make Baby Island be like, look, if it fucking is able to eat leaves and live, whatever. Yeah, Baby Island. But why don't you, why strangle it? I mean, that's just super, I'm not saying that- Well, he was also- You're about to make me advocate for drowning a baby. But why not, why not just not be like,

have to do the most graphic version and just be like, throw it in the fucking water and be, you know. Well, that could have burnt the baby. They didn't burn it. So, they could have put on a pike and been like, hey, look at that. But they didn't do that. They just strangled the baby.

Okay, so here's what's going on. He's giving, so when some guy goes, when some guy also comes over and goes, hey man, I'm on your side. He goes, prove it. And then that guy's go like do something like strangle a baby or kill a cook or whatever. So everyone is getting killed.

No, you're supposed to kiss the cook. Everyone is getting killed. It's getting killed by a guy. He's like, I want to join up. How do I join up? And he goes, go kill a baby or fuck that cabin boy and then choke it out or whatever happens. It's almost like you have to do,

it's like getting into the fight club house. Look, I think fucking it choking a cabin boy and fucking him is great. I feel like that's not a specific that's in there that you just invented that one. Well, you're really chuffed about it. Well, it's, it's a cruise that I'm putting together. The old fucking check.

It's not fully formed yet, but yeah, we're going to announce a cruise soon. Something tells me you'll get, you'll get it on Craigslist real quick. Want to see the world? Are you young? Get on the SS check folk. Okay.

So he sends the guys back to kill the last cabin boys. Strangles the baby. People got super in a killing. What do you mean they got into? That's all they're doing. A loyal cabin boy said quote, or no, this is what they said about him, quote, he took to racing around the island like a man

possessed calling out who wants to be stabbed to death. I can do that beautifully. So no hands went up, right? Everyone's like, what the fuck's going on? I think like, I think, I feel like things are getting weird. Dave, what the fuck? I feel like people are breaking out of the pressure.

Yeah, they, they got shipwrecked on weird. Another mutineer daily beg that he should be allowed to kill someone because he would rather do that than eat or drink when he was not on this weird diet. I basically can't have anything. Right. No fruit, no water, just no wine, no eating. It's a nightmare. So I just, you know, I'd love to have some fun.

Just kill any babies or any babies. Or maybe a quacka. Oh, no, he didn't. No, he did not. Oh, what is he, French? And a dentist. When, uh, when the mutineer was not allowed to kill anyone, when he was not allowed to cut off,

oh no, it's said when he was not allowed to cut off the head of a youngster, he cried. And that's the one. He wouldn't cut off the head of that guy. It's a fucked up island at this point. Yeah, uh-huh. There's, yeah. So they kept murdering through August and they- Through August, like it's seasonal.

It's a fucking fruit, you know, it was ripe through August. And then they doled out the women like property. The law, I love what that's the point. We're like, oh, some people like reach their limit, as opposed to the strangling of the baby part. Well, it sounded like a lot of women. I don't think there's many. Jesus Christ.

There's not that many, but it doesn't matter. When you're doling out women, it's fucked up. The longboat reached Java. What a dumb thing to have to hear. When you're murdering, everyone's getting murdered. Good news, the longboat hit Java. We'll be able to drink coffee, guys. We can just, our productivity will go through the roof.

It had reached there on June 27th. Francisco told everybody what had happened. And he was sent back to get the survivors and whatever goods he could salvage, particularly the cash. Okay, yeah. Get that fucking money. No, for sure, you need money on an island where people drape themselves in gold.

Well, they don't know that yet. They just know that they left a ship that was shipwrecked. They don't know what's going on. As far as they're concerned, everyone's making tents and playing Scrabble. We had also invented Scrabble. So Captain Jacobs was arrested and put in a dungeon where he died. Cool. All right, let's keep going.

I mean, that's like, you know, we've heard that. It's this baby choking shit that we're all stuck on. Francisco sailed from Castle Batavia on July 15th. Back at the wreck, people escaping the murders were making their way to Webby Hayes Island. So now everyone... Listen to what the fuck you just said. Please say your last sentence again. Back at the wreck, people escaping the murders

were making their way to Webby's Island. Where are we? Hayes had 45 men and was prepared to fight Cornelius if he came, and Cornelius did. In September, he tried... I've never been rooting for a guy named Webby Moore. Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's go little Webby baby. First time. In September, he tried to attack the island twice, but they were forced back. Cornelius then tried another approach, trading. Trading with them? He said he would trade clothes for water. I'll trade clothes to murder you.

You know I tried to take over your island a couple of times? What about we trade now? So my bad, I just want to trade. I'm covered in gold. Uh-huh. Would you like some for water? Sure. So obviously Hayes has the water.

And Hayes did not take this deal, right? Well, he shouldn't. Not my weapon. Trade talks, trade talks started. Cornelius then sent men to convince Hayes soldiers into joining him. So... Do you like a gold outfit? They come over to the island, right?

This could be you. They come over to the island, and he's talking to Hayes, and then he sends a bunch of dudes out to talk to Hayes' man and be like, Hey, you want to come over to Killing Island? No, dude. I told you no. No, no, no. Hey, dude, no, I'm with Webby.

Dude, you've seen what Webby does? Dude. She's fucking webs. We're killing babies. And his pictures are off the charts. Hold on. Bro, we're killing babies. We got shit going on over there.

Look, look, look. Going on. Obviously I like what I'm hearing. I'm not an idiot. I just, Webby's heart would break, okay? So, thank you for the offer. I appreciate it. But no, let's just get some clothing over here and take that water.

Is this because we fucked up Pussy Island? I never even got to vacation there. So, this is weird, but when you send a bunch of dudes in to try to recruit all of the guys that are there with you and who swam over to be with you, it turns out that they snitch. Okay, good. So, the next day when Cornelius came was six men and the wine and clothes that they were going to trade,

they were immediately attacked by Webby's men. Okay. Four of Cornelius's men were killed. Yeah. And four of Hayes' men were severely wounded. Cornelius was taken prisoner. Okay, right. And thrown into a limestone pit.

What is that? That's a great, I don't know. That's a great island. Yeah. I don't know if they made that island, but the fact that there's a limestone pit. What exactly? That's where the kingdom should be.

So, they just threw him into a pit, basically. It's a pit. It's a big pit. Limestone is a, it's kind of like a soluble rock when it gets wet or water. It can make holes. So, you're fucking laughing at me. Fuck you, I got a degree in geology. And he's a surgeon.

Uh, so, uh, so he's thrown in the pit, and then, um, I mean, he must have hit that pit hard with all that gold, too. Huh. When I get out of here, someone's gonna have to help me pick up all my gold. And by the way, I'll need a change of gold for tomorrow.

Just clanking around. No, it's just so hard to maneuver down here. Ugh. This is hell. I've been through hell. They would hunt birds on this island. That's how they were eating. They were hunting birds. Sure.

That's what they did on Pussy Island, too. Hunting birds, mate. Yay. Bit of bird, yeah. Uh, so now they were, they would catch their birds, kill the birds, they would throw them down to, um, Cornelius. And his job was to pluck the birds.

And for every nine he plucked, he got to keep one. Ah. I mean, and I, listen, there's a lot to hate here. Obviously, the situation is terrible. But, uh, yeah, that feels good. You pluck them good enough, you get one, fuckface.

Huh. Ugh. I'm the king. I'm the king. I'm so pissed. Rah. I put together such a good plan. Come on. So, now there are still 32 mutineers on Beacon Island.

Right. Forget about ol' Beacon. So they pick a new leader, and then they attack Webby's Island. On September 17th, the fighting lasted for two hours. I've got a bad fucking feeling Cornelius is gonna get out. And then, Francisco's ship

comes rolling in. Hey, bros, what have you been doing? Hey! How are you? That's the question. Same old hair. Another gold outfit. How was your haulage?

What the fuck? Oh, I know, yeah. Why is there a baby head on top of a tree? It's actually a very funny story. I don't know about you, but I don't like kids. Yeah. I forgot you weren't here for that.

You weren't here? I feel like you were here for that part. Why is that other island just covered in bodies? Oh, oh, you mean um, body bag island. We, um, you know, we just, uh, boy, did they get a case

of swarden over there. Darnedest thing. Bunch of clumsy idiots, honestly. It was kind of like watching a funny, um, whatever we watched that's funny at this time. Um, so, yeah.

You look good. Are you working out? What are you? What are you doing? Yeah, I've been working out. But it shows. It shows. Why are you covered in blood? Oh, um, yeah. I, uh,

God, it's good to see you. Good to see you. You didn't think I was coming back, did you? I was hoping. I was asking the guys. You're all I talked about. Yeah. Oh my god, dude. Fucking pound it, bro.

I don't want to pound it. I don't want to pound it out. If you don't pound it, I'm going to fucking kill you. Okay, I'll pound it. There you go. Give me that. That's my man right there. Pound it out, yeah. So. Here we are. Francisco comes rolling in

and he gets off his, uh, he gets off his boat, into a rowboat. Takes a jet ski. I've pictured a jet ski. He's been time traveling. Yeah. And he comes in. I've invented Tampa Bay. Got a sweet-ass jet ski. A mullet. He's just fucking rocking it.

Let me show you how to put this life jacket on. Yeah, that's, uh, United States of America bathing suit. Uh, so he comes off in his boat and then he sees a frantic haze coming towards him in a boat. Doing a lot of, no! Don't come here!

Uh, and, uh, haze comes up and he tells Francisco that the mutineers were coming to try to seize the rescue ship. Okay. So they're getting in their boats and they're like, let's go fucking get this ship. So Francisco heads back to his ship and, uh, he also, oh,

haze also was like, oh, they killed like 125 people. By the way, sorry, BT-Dubs. Shit's gotten weird. Super weird. Sorry. Uh, you just took off and we're all like, I guess we'll kill each other. Cornelius is fucked up. But he's in a pit eating birds. Yep. He gets one out every nine.

Anyway. We think that's fair. Do you think that's fair? Fair? What do you mean? What does he cook it with? Oh, no, there's no cooking. We can't give him fire. Uh, no. No, we'll just let him eat raw bird.

Raw bird. Yum. Uh, so then, uh... You don't even know what Nandos is. Not at all. Just driven by nine of them. It's a-it's a Portuguese fast food chain. Yeah, well, I'm coming at you, Nandos.

Go fuck yourself. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fucking cook chickens after what I held the day in my goddamn arms. Sweet little baby. Also, I have, um... the salmon disease. I'm gonna be swimming upstream all year.

Try to lay these eggs. Oh, sorry. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So sure enough, 12 men came rolling up to seize the ship. And instead of disguising themselves and being like, hey, we're here to be rescued. Can we get aboard?

Oh, thank God. They rolled up in their red outfits. Like the fucking back... Like the guys are gonna die in every Star Trek episode. They just kind of came rolling up in their awesome outfits with their little gold trim. And Francisco's like, right, you're dressed like the bad guys.

Because I heard you have outfits. Uh, so he captured them all when they got there. And he put them in chains. Then they rounded up the rest of the mutineers and they got Cornelius. And every single one of them said they never wanted to do it. But they hadn't been forced to

the guys that Webby had killed. So they were like, we didn't want to do this. But you know the guys that Webby killed? Those are the fucking bad guys. I didn't want to kill a baby. Are you kidding me? I mean, I did, but I wouldn't.

Right? Uh, so everyone was like... Uh, so, uh... So then Francisco went about saving all the goods. He got us some barrels of water, a barrel of French wine, four and a half barrels of Spanish wine,

a barrel of vinegar, seven chests of money. Now under Dutch law, a man had to confess to be to put to death. You couldn't just have a trial or whatever. So they tortured them to make them confess. That'll do it.

They put like a neck bowl around Cornelius. And then they'd start over. Just totally... What a horrible technique no one's used since. America! Thank God. That chapter's closed.

You imagine drowning on land for information? Torture's over. Thank goodness. This podcast is so historical. So Cornelius was basically waterboarder for three days, and then he admitted everything. So they took Cornelius to Seal Island

on October 1st, and they cut off his hands with a hammer and chisel. That is going to affect plucking productivity. Greatly. Really, guys?

This is gonna take a while. I mean, I could still do it. Chinka, chinka, chinka, chinka. They just cut off his fucking hand. Yeah. And then he was hung. Fucked up order. Seven other

mutineers just had one hand cut off. Jesus Christ. And then they were killed the same way. Now they were all on the gallows together. They were all on the gallows together, and they were screaming at each other. What were they screaming at each other? Where's my hand? Ow, my wrist?

They were blaming each other. Blaming each other? They were like, fuck you, you did this. This happened because you didn't kill enough babies. It is hard to point fingers when you don't have hands. Cornelius said he would get revenge on the afterlife. He doesn't know how the afterlife works,

but apparently it is afterlife up in heaven. You're like, I'm gonna fuck this dude up. And God's dressed in all this gold, and he's like... Not a fan of what I'm seeing so far. You didn't know what this is gonna be like, did you? Where's that baby Jesus at? Oh, shit, that was the one.

Yeah, too soon, you're right. Oh, fuck me. Oh, I wish I had known. Let me know when it's okay to do those jokes. Uh, the guy who took over all the mutiny was elected to be the new leader after Cornelius was captured. Stop this electing shit.

Was sense to be keel-hauled. Yeah, we all know what that is. Unbelievable. That's when you're tied to a line that is looped beneath a vessel thrown overboard on one side of the ship and dragged under the ship's keel. Before that, you're, uh,

flogged for a hundred lashes. So that guy didn't have a good time. So you're just kind of like deep-sea fishing bait, almost? Yeah, you're pretty much bait. Uh, Francisco sailed back with 77 survivors of the Batavia. 216 had died.

Only one kid was still alive and just five women. That kid, we will do a dollop on that kid at some point. I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be. Before he left, the Mad Cabin Boy, remember the Mad Cabin Boy?

Yeah, the guy was like, I'll cut through him like butter! And the guy who was elected the new leader of the mutineers were marooned on the mainland. And they are the first white settlers of Australia. CHEERING And those are the two that started it?

Well, I mean, they were the first two. The British didn't come for a long time. So they probably, uh, who knows? Some of you guys could, uh, have a little bit of your DNA in them. They could have met some nice natives and they'd been like, hey man, shit went weird, it went south.

I'm just a cabin boy. And then, uh, they started hooking up. And, uh... THEY LAUGH They could, they could, again. It's not the resolution I was after, David. THEY LAUGH Those are the first two.

How about this? How about, uh, a year later, Francisco, uh, died from a tropical illness. And then after he died, they looked into his belongings and they found he had stolen tons of jewels. THEY LAUGH He was going to rob, he was robbing the company.

And, uh, Webby was promoted. THEY LAUGH Webby! Webby! THEY LAUGH All right, God, we've gone really long. OK, wow.

So, uh, we're going to go out and, uh, say hello's. Take pictures of whatever you would like at the function room. Function room, so if you go through there, there's the pool... pool tables. Past the pool area. Right there. That's where we'll be. Where functions are.

And then, if you want to watch the stand-up show. Yeah, we're doing a stand-up show right after this. Uh, so that'll start where we're going to have to clear out and then we'll bring everyone in for the stand-up show. You can buy tickets at the door for that. And, um, yeah, it'll be me and him staying up in a local gentleman who's very funny. Who, uh, people are talking about.

Hmm? Because he killed a baby. He killed a baby. Yeah. Uh, well, yeah, we want to thank everybody for coming out. Truly, it's the greatest. So we appreciate the fuck out of it. Thank you guys! Thank you!