The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 121 - The Past Times with Kyle Anderson

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Kyle Anderson SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH

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When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. The great Kyle Anderson who's in slime it looks like.

Yeah, well I just figured if I have a green screen background people can you know they can green screen me until like January 6th or whatever. We are strongly encouraging everyone on our Patreon or anywhere who's watching this or consuming it, please do some January 6th Photoshopping with Kyle back there. Yeah. As soon as you can, Kyle, please put him at January 6th.

Kyle, you used to have the horns and the fur. Yeah, you're an elk boy. Yeah. I was elk. I was his sidekick. Elk boy. I was slightly out of most of the pictures. The thunder.

Yeah. He's kind of, you know what I mean? We were a joint venture and then I kind of feel like he sort of was like QAnon Shaman and elk boy could have been a good brand. Well, a lot of people took staplers and stuff that day, but what I loved about the elk shaman was that he walked in there and said, where's the thunder? Because boy, how did he steal it? Uh, Kyle, people could go on your YouTube. Uh, Kyle Anderson. Yeah.

Kyle Anderson comedy on YouTube. Uh, I make documentaries on there. You've made some great documentaries. Yes, you have. Um, what's your favorite? And then I'll tell you mine. Well, I have a lot of them I've made on there. Probably my favorite one is about Dow, which is this like insane, um, basically there's this Russian filmmaker who convinced a Russian oligarch to give him like a limitless budget and shoot for seven years.

Oh my God. I haven't seen this one. Everybody everybody was like method acting for seven years and he got like real X KGB to play the KGB. So like if you had your iPhone out, you got like thrown in like the jail on set and like it became like this like Stanford prison experiment. And then there's seven movies made out of it.

And they're like, Oh my God, like they're really the DP is incredible. So they like they're amazing. Part of me is like, should I not watch this? And do you want to do an episode? If we ever go to Russia? Yeah, kind of. Yeah, it's Ukraine. It's well, you you also self ignited your own industry when you made the crystal ea problem

Again, Dave and I he's a friend to show friend to show a show Yeah, we don't actually like what you did to our boy, but I don't I actually I'm actually not a fan of his comedy But I'm a few huge fan of his offstage work. Did that make sense? Well, I Snapchat Offstage work if that makes sense. Well, I Snapchat I got Even asked me to but I just some of the ladies who added I wanted to how funny would it be if I got the same neck tattoo he got That would be so I'm getting I'm getting D a lightful on my neck Literally Kyle, this is what I would love for you. Whatever he puts out, you spoof it word for word

and just do it a week later. So every clip that comes out, everything he has, you pretend you have a kid, every post, just live in a Dilea worm all the week. Anyway, he's part of the show, so we don't want to. Life slips. He loves it when we, when he loves it, when we rip him about all of his sexual proclivities, crimes that people call crimes, but you know what?

I was going to, I was going to wear my Brendan Schaub hoodie. Tell Dave, tell Dave what I dropped off. Tell Drave, tell Dave when I dropped off at your house yesterday. Oh my God. So the wrap gift for our movie, fucking Gareth comes over and brings me a whiskey decanter. And I'm like, oh my God, that's amazing. And he's like, oh my God, a decanter. That's so nice.

And then he's like, pull it out, buddy. Fucking pull it out. And I pull it out. It's a, it's Bill Maher's podcast, Club Random. It's a club random whiskey. It's a canter with a matching whiskey glass. And I came in and I'm like, start moving my wedding pictures out of the way and shit.

I'm like this guy's. Shut up. We got it, we now this house is a Club Random House. My wife is like, okay, I guess. By the way, Club Random House did the dollop book. Anyway, Kyle, here's what we do here. I know you've never listened to the show. You've made that very clear online.

We're going to guess the year that this paper could be from. Now, Dave will make it seem like you win no matter what but you're gonna guess first could be 1600s could be in 2004 Okay, but it's probably gonna be in the middle there. You take a guess first then I'll guess whoever's closer gets to sleep at Dave's house For two years for two years Yeah Okay, I'm gonna go with one of one of my favorite years in in cinema and one in movies. Nineteen ninety nine.

Oh, you're out of your mind. You never have listened to this podcast. Not going to win this. Is it the worst thing about this podcast that like any of the stories you cover could be from like 1680 or like this week? Yes. Yes. Yeah. No, we talk about it all the time. We're like, it's like this week. Yes. Yeah. No, we talk about it all the time. We're like, it's like that joke is honestly where like I, every time I make it, I'm like,

I'll do it one more time. Hey, Dave times were very different back then. I'm going to guess the year is 1894. Oh my God. Kyle, so close. Kyle wins. It is 1893. Shut the fuck up. Is it 1893?

Is that the closest you've ever gotten? Yeah, I've gotten it right before, and Dave still said the guest was right. Well, the vibes are often off. Shut up with the vibes. You are DeLeah. A year. That's impressive. Out of all of them that there are. It's a lot of them too. You look it up. This is the Havana Press, Havana, Kansas. By the way, to make a good cigar, you got to do the Havana Press. The Havana Press, Havana, Kansas. By the way, to make a good cigar, you got to do the Havana Press.

The Havana Press is my wrestling finisher move. Hey, the Havana Press. That's what the Cuban Bulls did. Oh, my God, the Cuban Bull. He's about to hit the Havana Press. There are bodies everywhere. He's literally eating a guy's face. Jesus Christ!

Is he allowed to do that? It's wrestling, buddy. Anything goes. The ref has his back turned for some reason. He's literally eating his brains out. All right, this first story is really long, but I had no idea about this and it's crazy. A terrible disaster! Collapse of the old Ford Theater in Washington. Ford's historic old theater,

the building in which Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. That theater was like, we also still do plays. It's like terrible tragedy. Theater turned into comedy club. Nobody could thought it could go this dark, which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the surgeon general of the army. Sure. I mean.

Wait, wait. So the place he got shot was then turned into like an, like the theater was turned into an office for the surgeon general? Yeah, because I'm sure nobody wanted to go to the theater after that. Oh, I did. I'd like it.

Yeah. 100%. That's how, that's the difference between then and now is now everyone would be like, I gotta make a tick-tock where the president If you're not making content if that place isn't on fucking pier space the rent out hourly, dude What I do is I'd like sign the doc you sign and then be like, oh wait, is that where Lincoln got shot? Is that where Lincoln got shot? Oh shit. No wonder the numbers suck.

I just heard it was a five hour drive from Baltimore. I was like, okay. Yeah, I'm doing a photo shoot with this girl. We're gonna do one of those ones where they're in like a bath of milk. We're doing it where Lincoln got shot. It's gonna be sick. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Tick tocking where Lincoln got shot. We're shooting a rap video. The budget's $300, but we got the we're Lincoln got shot. We're shooting a rap video. The budget's $300, but we got the place that Lincoln got shot. We got the booth where Lincoln got shot. We got the booth where Lincoln got shot up there.

It's extra for the booth. Yeah. That's the guy who runs it now. Are you John Wilkes Booth in a mustache? No. He's super cool. I mean, I guess you guys can use the boos. You guys can do it.

Oh boy. Whose dogs? My dogs. The male carrier. No, the neighbor's lawn guy is here. Hold on, let me deal with this. The neighbor's lawn guy is here. Sounds like a porn.

Yeah. Dave's about to go out and get his dick sucked. Uh, long guys here. Hold on. Let me deal with it. Neighbors. Long guys here. Sounds like a porn. Yeah. Dave's about to go and get his digs. Dave almost fell. What if Dave, that would be amazing. We were 600 going doodles come in the room. Yeah. But if Dave fell and passed out and you and I had to figure out a way to get the authorities to Dave's place, on a in his hallway on a Riverside record.

Are you guys laughing at... because I have a fake leg? Oh. Oh. A peg leg? Yeah, I have a peg leg. You're not allowed to say that anymore. I have like... A peg leg is not PC.

Yeah, I mean... but I have a peg leg. In the 90s... There's a pirate who's like, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I mean, but I have a peg leg. In the nineties. He's not very good to see. It's not a peg leg. She's a wooden limb. The parrot's like, it's outdated. All right. Back to, back to the, back to the story.

Okay. Which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the surgeon general of the army collapsed yesterday morning morning shortly after nine thirty o'clock. Nobody says it like that. Not OK. Nobody says nine thirty o'clock. I am honestly going to start using that. If someone's time is ten thirty o'clock. Oh, you got to hit Gareth in the back of the head with shoe again.

He's doing it again. Eleven forty five o'clock. Oh, get the shoe. Get the shoe. He's all fucked up. Noon o'clock. Oh, God, we need the shoe. Where is it? With a terrible result in loss of life and injury, at least 24 persons were killed and scores injured. I mean, that's impressive. That's a lot of the building stood on 10th Street.

Okay, who cares? It had been condemned three times. The first... Then it's not condemned if there's still people inside. Well, I mean, this is America. This is America, America. Like, someone comes in, like some guys like, yeah, this is all going to collapse.

And they're like, all right, cool. We're not going to do anything. All right, scores of us about to head in there though. You got a problem with that? No, that should be fine. Come on guys, let's go. You guys are worried about collapsing a president when shot in there. Scores of us.

Yeah, it's really like, you remember when the dude from Fast and the Furious died, everybody was like, RIP him, yeah, RIP Paul Walker, and the other dude in the car. Yeah. That's how I feel about this place. And you don't want to ever be like, that's why I won't ever get in the car with a movie star. Right. Right. You can't be the third most famous person who died. The idea that it's like Paul Walker, his best friend and a third.

It has been condemned three times the first years ago, some claim as many as 15 or 20, but had been repaired, propped up, and renovated from year to year. When it was condemned by Colonel Rogers of the War Department in 1880, so that's 13 years ago. Also, jobs like the War Department, like people condemning buildings that that job isn't even a thing anymore. Yeah, that's not good. Well, he condemned it on Signal. Not a lot of people know that.

Did we get Syria to think somehow that they paid us to condemn it? And the government then properly moved out its medical museum, which was a great museum. That must have been a house of horrors. The medical museum was in there? Yeah, where else would you put it? Just some guy carrying a brain just like,

sorry, we got evicted. This is my wife. Yeah, this is all that remains of my wife. He's got lungs slung over his shoulder. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, scores. Pardon, scores. It started because there was just blood and bandages on the floor. And they're like, what the fuck do we do with this? Well, we either clean it or we make it a museum.

This place has got to be really shitty if theater kids won't even be in here. If you can't get a group of theater kids to do a musical inside a place, it is fucked up. All right. It's fucked up. Look, we're eight appendages away from this being a museum kind of. How are we going to get all these bodies out of here? Well, you know, hold on, hold on, hold on.

If you turn this into one of them bodies exhibits, we got a bunch of lemons and you're like, what are we going to drink? I got an idea. Do we still got the Lincoln body or is that out of there? There's some brain we could chip off the wall. Have you guys ever seen the bodies exhibit like the one that they do? Yeah, absolutely. I saw it like when I was 14 and I was like, why'd that happen?

Yeah. Just what I always wanted to know, what was it like if I was 14 and I was like, why'd that happen? Yeah. Just what I always wanted to know. What was it like if I was paging through a body, like a book? Oh my God. I also saw it at like 13. It looks like you're at like a Morton's and you're like, that's a nice marbled ribbon. Just the cross section of a dick.

Dude. There is, right? Yes. That was crazy. That guy, that was like the last, the guy was like, hey, uh, what do you say we maybe also do that with a big dick? Trevor, can we talk to you over here for a second? I already did it.

It's come out. I got, there you go. I, it's already decoupaged. It's come out that like not all those people volunteered also. Oh, my God. Of course they did. Some of them did, but a lot of them just signed up for 23andMe. A lot of them were like, this is the line for Dine In, right? Can you imagine figuring that out?

Like you're at the fucking place and you just like look, you're like, his just, his just look a lot like Kevin. I don't think he said yeah to this. That's definitely the cross section of Kevin's dick if I ever seen it. Well look, right in the middle of his dick I always thought it looked like- You can count the rings. It's his exact age. 38. How many dudes just missing like Kevin is missing but would be 38 rings deep?

Excuse me, there'll be no trying to figure out who it is. Keep moving. We've gotta bring it back. Page by page. Hey I brought my own slice of a dick. Alright, this guy's here again. Sir, sir, can we talk to you over here? Yeah, do you want to see it? No, we're not like a gallery. Okay, don't worry Dave.

You get caught, I've got the real one. Get caught with the deep one. What's going on over there? Don't worry, this guy's got, shh, don't worry. This guy's got it. Security, get this guy. Yeah, we know. He's suspicious, not me.

That's a weird jacket you have on. Just walking around in there. Hey buddy, you like that one? Check out this one. By the way, how fucking, begging for a night of the museum rip off. That's yeah. It's like the security.

A 19th of a guy like, hi. Just draws a draws to the night watchman in. Yeah. Let me out. I was murdered. I know where there's treasure. And then he takes him over to another slice of dick. There it is. We named him treasure. He was a stripper. Some of us were scientists, but most of us were strippers.

It's the final strip. Is there any way I can see like a more cut up vagina? I mean, by definition, it's kind of what his dicks are. Anyway, I got to go. Okay, so moved out of its medecu museum, they're stored and exhibited, but the caution then displayed extended only to the exhibits and the building had since been kept crowded with clerks despite successive condemnation. So they, so they were like, they condemned it and they moved people in. Well, they moved out the museum and then they're just like,

but we'll have employees in here instead They're like yeah, no the museum was not what we were worried about Okay, we replaced all the exhibits with humans It's very good to be like to be like okay We got to get the important shit out of here like the vats of old brains Just put some like workers in here those don't yes. Yes scores of workers Okay, guess how many workers? Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes. I mean, you're the fact that you're saying guess is makes me upset.

So, I'm gonna I'll guess I mean, it's a theater. It's like how much **** could you do? I'm sitting at my typewriter up in the booth. Yeah. Yeah. Where are they working and what are they doing? I'm gonna guess just to just to not over guess it, the thing where I say a thousand and you're like 120, I'm going to say forty eight. It's four hundred seventy five. What the fuck? What in the fuck are they doing?

How are they? How is the setup? This is awesome. It's an open space work situation. We don't have computers yet, so together we're just one big computer. We're each in charge of a letter. That is shocking. Shocking. If there was a play and that was that many people there, that's a lot.

Yeah, it's sold out. There were 475 persons, mostly government clerks, employed in the building, There was a play and that was that many people there. Right? That's a lot. Yeah, sold out. Yeah. There were 475 persons, mostly government clerks, employed in the building and all of those were at work. Were at work when the building fell. They did get doged. They got doged. They all got, you're telling me 500 people got collapsed

in the building where Lincoln got shot and we're still calling it the building where Lincoln got shot. Yes, I know. Paul Walker. Hello. But one guy frees the slaves. They should put Lincoln's brain in that exhibit. It's got the bullet in it still. Yeah.

An excavation for an electric light plant was being made in the cellar of the structure and according to the best information obtainable, the workman this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building. So they're doing work on the- This is what I was going to say is the building is now three times condemned and they're like, what if we got rid of all the ground under it? I would, I would, I want to see Jesse Ventura break this one down.

I have a control demolition. I like to imagine the whole place is just like, it's like shaking back and forth. And they're like, I think up is bad, but down could work. I then my, honestly, when it first got said, I was like, I think up is bad, but down could work. I then my honestly, when I first got set, I was like, you can't take a building down from down up. That all works. You ever see those change?

I mean, they're literally it's a condemned building. And someone's like, what if we put an electric light plan underneath it? Yeah, let's start digging while everyone's here. What if we fill it with people, then it can't topple over because it's so full of people. They're like weights. Yeah. What's cheap and takes up space?

Meanwhile, the cast of Midsommar's like, can you keep it down? Here's what we're doing. There's four of them. The whole building is toppling over, and they're all like, Jellicle Cats. Jellicle Cats. Jellicle cats. Okay, so.

Mostafalese. His magic couldn't even get him out of this one. So the workmen this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building, weakening them to such an extent that the walls gave way before They could be jacked It sounds like a come-and-go rest up yeah, you're getting the great cast party you can get jacked, too This explanation of the cause of the accident is the only one advanced

But it seems somewhat strange in view of the fact that the top floor gave way first. See? There's three stories. Big conspiracy theory where they're all playing the video back, they're like, the pancake is back. A building doesn't fall like that. It doesn't work.

Yeah, they're loose changing this. Yeah, they are loose changing this, yeah. Men who were in the building say the crash came without warning. Those on the top floor were suddenly precipitated to the floor below. Precipitated. Precipitated. They felt their dance. Yeah. Turn to mulch.

Another one gone from precipitating. We lost 700 today to precipitation. And the weight of the falling timber and furniture carried the second and first floors down. The furniture. The idea that they're like, you know what it really was? I think it was the digging plus the furniture. It was the incessant digging below the foundation and all those top floor couches. Well, I was telling everybody we didn't need 48 bookshelves on top of 400 people in the shambling price destroyed building that we're digging out from under. But at least we got the brain vat out of there.

Some guy comes out of the rubble just holding a slice of dick. We could rebuild. We have enough. It's the one the prophecy spoke of. The insecurity of the building had been repeatedly reported for a long time past whenever a heavily loaded wagon has gone by the building seemed to sway as the clerks described this in... That's fucking crazy. Oh my god, what are they doing in this building? Literally it's moving when people like breathe against it. Yes, a wagon. Like your first day at work and you're like, is it swaying?

It's probably a heavy wagon. When they go by, it's pretty bad. So do you know how fast a wagon goes? Oh my God. It'll be over in an hour. When the first rumbling warning of the approaching collapse came, the clerks on the third floor to the number of 80 rushed to the windows and jumped for the roof

of an annex and escaped. Imagine seeing, hey, what are you guys doing? Dude. How do you hear three days? Is it just me or do those guys just jump out of the window? Even better, you're just like, you're in the saloon, you're just like washing a mug, you know, you look out the window and you see like World War Z 80 clerks parkouring out of a window. Looks like they're all fucking chasing Jason Bourne. None of those who escaped injury could tell

when the floors first gave way. To the occupants of each floor, there was but one crash heard and instantly the whole building was filled with blinding lime dust. What the fuck? Well we use it to build in case somebody comes in, they want to take over the building, we'll destroy it, we'll blind them with lime dust.

What? Lime dust? We booby trap, you gotta think these things through when you build. It's like a sprite 9-11. Running through all the stories and in the middle of the building was a light wall 10 feet or more long and nearly as wide. The fatal area was in front of this, leaving a space of six or seven feet. The back part of the building containing more than half of the floor space remained intact. I'm going to be honest. The fact that they're still investigating past the obvious. Yeah.

Yeah, it's really crazy. The fact that they've been like, there was also a light wall. It's like, I think there was a lot of issues, dude. Yeah. It was all those Ottomans. Okay. This is, okay. When did this happen though?

Because this is dated. okay, June 10th. So this paper is June 16th. Okay, so it's recent. So it happened a week ago. So now here's a follow up a couple days later on June 13th. Ainsworth denounced. Messengers of Colonel Ainsworth told the clerks with bated breath that it was the colonel's orders that the clerks walk softly and go up and down the stairs on tiptoe.

It's like a haunted house. He goes, look, we could fix the place. Anybody could fix a building, but my staff knows how to lose weight. When they're all dead, I told them not to walk so heel heavy. They were asking for it. This is like, this should be like the first thing that is read to people who are thinking about maybe unionizing. Yes, without rest.

I was literally going to be like, hey, you guys know how we're getting rid of OSHA right now? You know how that rules? Walk softly into that great second story. Oh my God. The building was known to all of the clerks as the death trap. Jesus Christ, not because of Lincoln. This fucking building. Imagine having where the president got shot and being like, I think we can out tragedy that. Oh, my God.

But the bread, but their bread and butter depended on their work there, so they could do nothing. They'll be no butter. Union. There'll be no butter. Union. There'll be no butter. And there's a bread tax. Such was the sensational testimony given yesterday before the coroner's jury investigating the Ford's theater disaster last Friday by Smith Thompson, one of the clerks who had

escaped the disaster. Smith Thompson, the clerk who had denounced Colonel Ainsworth at the relief meeting Friday and had given the sensational testimony above said he had been a civil engineer. Wow. Oh, my God. There were civil engineers in the fucking building. Hey, this is real bad. What do you know? Like everything. This guy goes, this guy goes, I'm a civil engineer.

They go, what? He goes, it's a job we invented six days ago when the building got destroyed. We invented six days ago when the building got destroyed. Every day he went below stairs and watched the progress of the excavation. He saw no pillars or props used in holding up the first floor. They're excavating without propping it up. You don't need that though. All right. All right.

Sky is falling chicken little. Dave, let me tell you a thing or two. You don't need those beams are overrated. All right, all right. All right. Sky is falling chicken little day. Let me tell you a thing or two. You don't need those beams are overrated. They're like trying to dig it out with like Minecraft logic. They're like, just stay in place. Take out everything under the. I'm telling you, it's going to work.

I watch my kid do this a bunch. He does it all the fucking time. He's a civil engineer. As they're digging. How come they never put schools on mines? Would you keep digging and shut the fuck up? You're right. Our work depends on us being here.

Shut the fuck up. Oh, fuck. The one stairway was not sufficient for the rapid exit of one half the clerks in safety. In going down. Guys, flee on your tippy toes. Flee on your tippy toes. In going down the stairway, he heard clerks call out, take care, the stairs are unsafe. This is insane.

I mean, it's it's very rare when a paper starts off with a banger and it has the length it deserves. But this is one that's doing it right. Also, you know this Colonel was like, I mean, if anything does happen, they'll at least all die. Yeah. And then when that guy made it to trial, he was like, shit. I know we should have made the stairs worse.

Yeah. He's doing like the home alone stuff. He's putting like tar and like nails on the stairs. He's heating up the doorknobs. The Colonel tried to home alone my client. He's just sitting there. I don't know what the hell. How the hell does this guy even know about that? The door handles were hot.

My client's head was burned from a torch. Is your client currently tying a string to a paint can? Huh? No! Ah! Your Honor, I bet you can't catch me, I'm all the way up here! Colonel, sit down.

Now why were, for the survivors, why were the stairs iced so they slid as they came out of the building? I wanted to get them down as fast as possible. That was the same with the mini cars at the base of the stairway. I was hoping that would help scoot them along. Understand? Oh, okay. At this stage in Mr. Thompson's testimony, there was a strange scene illustrating the bitter feelings against Colonel Ainsworth. A majority of the spectators present were clerks who had been employed in the old theater building,

and Mr. Warner, one of them. He hated that. They're all like, it's like a Simpsons gag. They all have like ice packs and like arm casts on and they're like, they're annoying. The cur is just sitting there. Oh, a lot of you pulled through, huh? That's good.

Mr. Warner, one of the jurors, asked the witness, what was the feeling of the clerks in the theater building toward their superior officer, Colonel Ainsworth? Thompson answered, quote, that of abject fear. Well, that's nice. It was like the building was trying to eat us. It was terrifying. We all thought it had come alive.

If the building became a man. Well, that's nice. The applause came from a portion of the room where most of the clerks were sitting. Colonel gets up and like waves his hat. Thank you, boys. That's very nice. That's very nice.

You guys here. I'm killing. I'm going to go on kill Tony. Colonel Ainsworth grew red and the corner lectured the offenders. Don't you be clapping for that. He's telling the truth. Don't you be clapping for that. I he's telling the truth. He's going back to hecklers. The letter from Secretary Lamont was read giving assurance that no clerk need fear dismissal on account of his testimony.

At the. Well, that's bad for me. You guys don't need to fear dismissal. If you do testify, though, we are going to make you go work in a new place. We're calling the sweat trap. This place is really fun. It's right at the center of the earth. It's where Washington live. At the afternoon session, a well-dressed man shaking his fist in Colonel Ainsworth's face shouted, quote, You murdered my brother and you ain't

shanked and you shanked sit there intimidating these witnesses. The man was Charles Barnes, whose brother was a victim. Boy, the idea that the colonel, like the colonel was probably there, he was like, I don't think I should have come to this. This is a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call.

The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a bad call. The edge of the room was a victim? Boy the idea that the Colonel like the Colonel was probably there was like I don't think I should have come to this This is a bad call

Pretty bad. You guys liked me. He's just sitting there hoping that the courtroom collapses that That had really bailed me the fuck out. He's got some guys digging down below. He's like, come on boys Get going. Come on guys. Look at his watch. They said noon watch make that gavel harder your honor i can't even hear it over here throw it at the foundation your honor as a gift i give you 40 bookshelves your honor i suggest we all jump as hard as we can please your honor he goes he goes like testify for himself. He's like, no, I'm just a simple stop, stop, stop. Southern lawyer, stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm a regular man who they call me the jackhammer. The human jackhammer. What the fuck? Everyone run up and down the stairs. Let's move these couches up to the top of the building.

That'll feel like justice. That's how we avenge the deaths of these workers. Colonel, sit down. So did we get a number on how many people died? I think, let's see, after the uproar the occasion had quieted, it was 24 so far, but I bet it's more. After the uproar, the occasion had quieted. It was 24 so far, but I bet it's more. After the uproar thus occasioned had quieted, Mr. Davis, representing Colonel Ainsworth, started to speak when a dozen excited department clerks rose to their feet and shouted for him to sit down. Shut the fuck up, bitch! Shut up, you fucking piece of shit!

Order! Except everyone's like, you shan't speak any further! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But finally, someone who was frenzied cried, hang him. I like that they hear that guy. He's like, let that guy speak. He should be hanged. Never mind. Not him. Never mind. Men sprang forward at this time, and it looked as if harm would come to Colonel Ainsworth.

Some of the clerks were shaking their fists over his head, and others were pushing forward as if they wished to tear him to pieces. Hell yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. That's what kind of like there's situations where it's like, do we need a trial or can we just give the guys who survived the building 20 minutes with him? Let's have a trial after we kill him. That's that really should just I mean with the way it's going the

problem is though they would be like we use it rarely like for Luigi Mangione right now. Right right. Who's gonna get the death penalty according to Pam Bondi by the way? Jura Warner finally managed to quiet the people and the deputy coroner adjoined the inquest. Okay, do you want to know how many didn't make it? Let's see. Welcome back to everybody's favorite American game show, How Many Didn't Make It. Gareth, you're playing today. How many do you think did escape this horrible fate of civil engineering? Well, boy, it seems like that whole place was real shaky and they kept skating scores and scores.

I'm going to go with 112 Todd. It wasn't. It was only 22. Oh, wow. Lovely. That's nothing. So you know what? I say another to make an omelet.

You know, break a few eggs. Yeah. Think about all the good clerkin that happened, though. Nobody's talking about. Yeah. Yeah. They were able to reupholster the chairs with all the money they saved.

You like that crowd moaning that was built on the backs of those people. It also fell onto the backs of the same people who built it. It probably killed a couple of them. Yeah, I'm trying to find it, but it's actually what happened. Colonel Ainsley is his name. 22 clerks and injuring 68. Knowing how this stuff works, it's like Colonel Ainsley went on to become

the king of the world. Well no, he totally got away with it. They said, I read it yesterday, but they said there wasn't enough evidence to prove that he knew it was, yeah, he walked. Of course, carefully. They called it the death trap. And he's like, I had no clue.

Holy fuck, I'm looking at a picture of it. It is fucking crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. It's really. It looks like a fire burned it. Yeah, it's, yeah. I mean, good, great. Good work, everybody.

Yeah, they knew it was a death trap. The guy gets away with it. Of course, it's America. This guy always gets away with it. Of course. Well, what are you going to do? Change your policy and go to work? I love that this guy is also just like, they probably let him, they were like, you know

what? We tried to pin this on him. I feel bad. Let's make him in the general of buildings. Like it's always like he's going to be promoted exactly into what he should not fucking do. Of course, they had the workers were black guys in the basement and one of them told the evening star that he was concerned about the building safety just one day before quote, I told

my employer yesterday that the archway would fall for every time anyone walked over the floor, it would bend. I tell you, I was scared and I got out there as quick as I could. The floor was bending and I got out there as quick as I could. The floor was bending and they just kept fucking. This reminds me of my buddy. My buddy, when I lived in Vegas, he used to live in this terrible apartment right by the airport. And it was so cheap that the floor in the hall, he lived on the second floor, the hallway floor would actually bend like when you walked across it. You want that. Oh, you guys are freaking, you want that. You want a trampoline.

Yeah. I think if you're the real estate guy, you're like, and these floors are all mindfully trampolined. You'll love that. Bouncing. Very Tom Hanks, very big. Yeah. It's a bouncy house and it's going to cost a little bit more. This guy would, somebody in his building would tag stuff that was like way too cheap.

Like literally doors would start like hanging off their hinges and stuff. Oh my God. And he would tag stuff in the building with this cockroach and write La Cucaracha. And he was like a vigilante of the building. I feel like you've either told me this or I've heard this, or it's just so relatable that I'm like, yeah, I may have told you about La Cucaracha. That is so fucking crazy. Or it's just so relatable that I'm like, yeah. They have told you about La Cucaracha.

That is so fucking crazy. OK, the next story is amazing because it keeps up with the theme. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Dave. Our friends forever. We've been using Squarespace forever. We love their websites. They're crisp, They're clean. They're easy to use

You don't have to up well stuff. Look we've said this over and over again But if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace go look at any website We're affiliated with and it is Squarespace. Oh, yeah. Look they have They have flexible payments You can just make the flexible checkout. Flexible employees too. Those people are... It's weird. You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful.

They do credit cards, Apple Pay, all the stuff, PayPal. They do it all. You can sell content. You can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site by adding a paywall. You can sell memberships. You can sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about?

I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak? Because I think that's a good point. No. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

I'm going to say it again. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Dave. Of course, our friends forever. We've been using Squarespace forever. We love their websites.

They're crisp, they're clean, they're easy to use. You don't have to update stuff. Well, look, we've said this over and over again, but if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with and it is Squarespace. Oh yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the- Flexible employees too. Those people are-

That's weird. Okay. Okay. You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful. They do credit cards, Apple Pay, all the stuff, PayPal. They do it all. You can sell content. You can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site

by adding a paywall. You can sell memberships. You can sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going.

And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak? Because I think that's a good point. No, go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm gonna say it again, go to squarespace.com for free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Priceless Laces Lost. A startling disclosure was made at the World's Fairgrounds last evening when the priceless laces sent here by Queen Margaret of Italy were unpacked. While the laces were being taken out of their case and each piece counted, it was found that 30 pieces of lace were missing. By the way, the idea that the police have to open a case about lace stolen from a case.

It's a classic case of a lace case. Oh, my God. I mean, fuck, this is going to be a long night. I just can't believe this is on the same page. Like, it's well, that's the thing is like the people who are like, OK, so we're going to split up the work here at the precinct today. We're going to need half you guys on the 22 people died in a big building. And the other half is these. A queen's missing her cloth.

Boss, can I get on that lace case because oh God, one is a real case and the other one is like a case for like a cartoon egg to solve. And the other one is like a case for like a cartoon egg to solve. This is a job for Humpty Dumpty. Nothing grinds my gears more than when an affluent woman's fabric is missing. Cable grams were immediately sent to Rome, appraising the queen of her great loss. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say that again. What did you just say?

Cable grams were immediately sent to Rome, appraising the queen of her great loss. Oh, no, that's where who is going to break up the bad news to her? At least he's not a good. What is it about all those people who died in the theater where the president got shot in the back of his head? No, it's even worse. What is she gonna wear? If you were in Italy and all you heard was like okay the town that we sent my laces to they got stolen the president got shot there

like America's over I guess? It's called Detroit, the country. But also you gotta, it's little fucking funny to steal lace and then like it's probably just some dudes who are like Hey, where do you uh, where do you pawn lace? Now what it's so much you know, it's so much worse. There's one guy who's like dude out Fuck Italy, dude. That was the worst Fettuccine Alfredo. I've ever fucking had It's coming out of me like I didn't even eat it. Call me the pasta maker. Wow, it's like a forever pasta. You could just keep eating it over and over.

Hey, hey, hey guys, can you stop talking over there for a little bit? Is looking out the window. Yeah, no, for sure. Forever pasta. No, for sure. Please stop eating it out of yourself. Call me the olive garden. Cause I'm never ending. Hey noodles, why do they call you that by the way?

You don't want to know. An effort was made to keep the discovery of secret, but customs officers divulged the startling news. So, no, no, I love that. Everybody was like, we should just lie, right? We don't want to have to deal with this. Yeah. I will betray my oath.

Um, a wife seeks to convict her husband. Good luck, bitch. This is hard today. Impossible. Back then, they were like, can you imagine? Well, throw her in water. If she doesn't drown, she might have a case. And she's dead.

They were like, did you try dragging her from a horse? That usually fixes mine. So strange. Miss William Beckwith arrived from Denver last night and is now at work securing evidence to convict her husband of complicity in a big bank robbery in that city in 1891. Beckwith is serving a term in the Kansas penitentiary

for stealing a bicycle at Leavenworth a few months ago. And Miss Beckwith is to get $200 if she convicts her husband. All right. There's a lot going on there, but yes, it does seem strange to be able to bring charges against your husband and when the charges are against the bank. And then you get money for, well, right, there's obviously a reward out and so she'll, so, but he's already in jail. Well, she's Skylar from Breaking Badding him. She's fucking.

Yes, she is. Thank you. He pulled this shit off. She knows about it and she's holding it over his head. She's probably fucking Ted right now. You know what I mean? You know, we should remake Breaking Bad all from Skylar's perspective and be like, you

know what, we all made fun of her for being kind of annoying, but this is crazy. Yeah, it's Breaking Bad from Timon and Pumbaa's point of view. Breaking Bad one and a half. That's what we'll call it. I'm writing that down. I got to get off the call. I actually have to. Delete it.

It's not a call. It's a pod. What are you talking That's good, Garrett. I'm writing that down. I gotta get off the call, I actually have to. Delete it, it's not a call. What are you talking about? Oh, fuck. Kyle, fuck! This was a weird pitch beat. Are there people can hear this? Yes!

No. No, no, no! I'm rowin'. This is just a little part under news brevities. Oh my God, news brevities? They're the soul of news wit, Garrett. Honestly, news brevities. Oh my God, news brevities? They're the soul of news wit, Garret. Honestly, news brevities. News brevities, fuck off.

A strange wild human covered with long wooly hair has been discovered near Paducah, Kentucky. Headline. I'm sorry. We're talking about this lady's mad at her husband over $200 or something. Put this ahead of the fucking theater. I completely agree.

I completely agree. Caveman discovered. Give me an amuse-bouche before talking about how the building structure just completely collapsed because of incompetence at the top. Start with we found a wooly man in Kentucky. Dude, the Kentucky wooly man? Wooly boy. That's like a country music star who walks off a mess of metal.

I'm like, this guy has four million followers on TikTok. All he does is spin. Anthony Scholl, a merchant tailor. Is this the story of how the shawl got created? Yeah. Scholl. Anthony Anton Scholl, a merchant tailor at Odell, drag a half gallon of whiskey and died after suffering great agony. This is a separate story.

This is how I thought you were describing how you found the cave. Oh, you thought we were solving... I thought it was the origin story of the wool boy. So, of course, he was walking, had a little whiskey, fell into a cave... Woke up and he was a lamb. Two children of Frank Jewett of La Crosse, Wisconsin, went to sleep on the railroad track and were horribly mangled by a passenger train

Well, that's what how did it happen? Not Kyle let's learn some of the details Dave. How did they get run over by a train? They were asleep. They had been picking flowers and laid down to rest Absolutely. Okay, and then how did the train locate him? Well, they were laying on the part where the train goes. Uh-huh. I guess I'm a little confused how the train caused their death. You know what I'm saying? Have you seen cartoons? Well, not familiar. Anyway, these boys, they passed away from a train, you say?

They were passengers upon it when the train crashed? No, they were laying in front of it, sleeping, having a nap. But how did they pass? They were passengers upon it when the train crashed? No, they were laying in front of it, sleeping, having a nap. But how did they pass? I'm sorry, this story just doesn't track. I like the idea though, that they were like, they were like, yeah, so we decided to just tie ourselves up in a big ball of rope, lay on these railroad tracks. Now wait for a dashing hero. Parents in a 50 mile radius now have to add

another conversation they have to have with their kids. You get tired picking and pressing flowers. Don't sleep on the tracks, boys. No, see, I think this is, I think that's one of those unnecessary, this is why I want kids, because if I have to sit you down and be like, listen, if you're gonna sleep anywhere,

don't do it in the middle of the freeway. It's a really bad idea. Yeah, call the herd. You realize as a parent that all of the warnings and all of the things like, don't hold that knife and put it electric socket. They're all for the dumb kids. Excuse me, Dave.

Some of them walk amongst us. It was good to hear that I couldn't have a plug in radio in the pool. Gareth just motioned with a pen. I thought he was going to put it into a light socket. It's not a pen. It's a ear cleaning kit. Okay. Which he holds during podcasts now.

He's conducting. He's casting spells on Dave. The humblest man in Cimarron is teaching the prettiest girl in Gray County to get sweet on him. Pardon, called grooming. Hello. Not okay. Now they're kind of just pitching like good reality shows that I would watch. Yeah, now they're just like, it's like a CBS sitcom. This is just 90 Day Fiance.

It's called Homely and Hot. So his name's Jack Homely and she's Vanessa Hot. He's a caveman from Kentucky. He's a wooly man from Kentucky. She just divorced her husband who was a bank robber, and she just got 200 smackeroons. She thinks it's a rebound, but then she shaves him, and ooh la la. Ooh la la. The predominance of redheaded people in Coffeeville is supposed to have something to do with the

get up, get up tibness of that town. Okay. We get all that. Connects. The dots. When the people are more excitable and awful according to who. Well, that's just that's just biology. Okay, stop. According to who? Kyle's also red. That's just biology. Okay.

Stop. Okay. We will run in packs and we will get you. This is why there has to be a purge. My mom is big, so my mom's a redhead and she's really big into like redhead advocacy. Like redhead. And if being redheaded isn't embarrassing enough.

Just out in front of a store. We're the Reds. Please support the Reds. I remember she's posted before, like a picture of like, you know, like Daphne from Scooby Doo and like all these redheaded characters from Pop Culture. Mom, one of those is a cartoon, but a hero nonetheless. Daphne crawled so you could run. Plenty of perfume, but no bathtubs. Jesus Christ.

These bullet pointers. I mean, you started with the long odyssey of the fourth theater. Plenty of. I know, right? Now it's tweet. Tubbs of. What the fuck are they talking about? The present craze for sweet sense,

like all the other elegances, dates back to the days of Courtney luxury in France. By the way, it's 1893, so they're just like any smell. That's good. You're like, that's nice. That's addictive. I'm going to put this all over my balls and you do the same with your twat. It's gasoline and they're like, this is so good. She smells beautiful. I'm passing out. Well, don't pass out near that railing. The whole building will fall over.

Hey guys, I invented chloroform. Smell it. Guys, I gotta go upstairs, smell this weird jar. Are the stairs safe yet? No, they won't be ever. OK. Madame Pompadour. Madame Pompadour. I've come up with a hairstyle. I just can't believe her name is Pompadour.

My name's Pompadour. Madame Pompadour spent $100,000 for this part of her toilet each year, and the court of Louis XV was known as the Scented Court. Oh my God. Wait, Dave, wait, are we talking- Royal urinal cakes? I just, I mean, like, basically a toilet potpourri that's built in. Yeah, she's- I believe that they're saying yes- Basically a toilet potpourri that's built in.

Yeah, she's... I believe that they're saying... Louis XV, known for taking the grossest dumps, Louis XV had a toilet that wouldn't stink. It took 500 clerks three years to crack the code to create a Glade plugin. Louis XIV was the Sun King and the XV was the Dung King. What if we put roses next to your sheet? It won't be enough, I really take bad crap. Use a layer of oil to trap it in.

Hostesses of the Grand Entertainments informed their guests what particular perfume was to be employed for scenting the rooms that no other odors might be used by the guests. This is really good because my Forever Pasta is starting to smell weird. So if I could soak it in there for a little bit, that'd be killer. This fucking guy. Do you guys mind? And by the way, have you met Jack Macaroni? But think about smells when they're getting invented at this caliber, at this level. Invented? They've been around for a while.

Invented smells. The tech is speeding up. The tech isn't speeding up. This is insane. You say inventing smells. These people's bodies are inventing some smells. Well I mean good smells. Well the Romans were. Hold on. If you start doing Roman stuff on me again Dave, I will drive to your house and curb stuff. The Romans invented all the perfumes. Romans. Romans invented smell. Garrett, they honestly might. By the way, Egypt's like, hello. We had bird gods. Yeah. At a court, a different perfume was prescribed

for every day in the week. In the meantime, in the meantime, the gospel of soap and water was unknown to the finest ladies and the gorgeous palace at Versailles did not contain a single bathroom until one was arranged for the use of Marie Antoinette. So previous to that, all the little Richie fancies were just shitting out. He goes, I got the cake shits. I'm going to need a whole room. Cake hits.

Marie has to poop so bad, we might need to put a hole in the house. Oh, you guys, my cake is fucking destroying me. She cuts. I think there was some lace in the cake. Somebody laced the cake. We don't need to hear your life story. Just go do it. Oh, about a fancy party, everyone having to go shit in a yard.

Pardon me, darling. I have to go outside and crap. It's a garden party. Just like looks like a fire fest. The things these gnomes have seen. I'm actually just a child. New story. They wanted money.

A paragraph has been round of the papers to the effect that several wealthy residents of Florence have offered to place their villas at the disposal of Queen Victoria for the summer. The fact is that every such offer which was received was accompanied by a demand for quite the then is like $28 million. Days dogs are unionizing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it is like, I mean, it's essentially what we deal with now, right? I mean, they basically were just like- Yeah. They're landlords. Yeah, they're landlords, right. Yeah. But $4,000 a week in 1890. What is this? 18... That's crazy. I mean, this is like LA fire prices.

prices. Yeah, I like the idea that you had just 4,000 for inflation from the 1600s and it's like still less than a one bedroom in Brooklyn today. Well, if you want to live in Bedford-Stuy, I mean, you know, a lot of people want to live there, buddy. It's also great to be like, we're offering Queen Victoria the place for as long as she wants it. Oh, well that's very nice. Yeah, four grand a week and that's. I keep DMing Kesha my apartment for $38,000 a month.

She keeps not getting back to me. Yes. Does anyone, I called the label but they say that. Okay. They say they don't get involved in that. Dear Queen Latifah, your highness, it would be my honor. That's $146,000 a week. That's crazy. I'm negotiating.

You push back with your own number. It felt like a good number to start with. It's called negotiating. I say 146 for a week, you say 50, I don't know! You've seen Shark Tank! You've seen Shark Tank! Make an offer back! We can play this game all fucking day! Don't walk away! You say a dollar, we meet in the middle of 42k!

I mean, come on, you're a queen, right? You're a queen, for the love of God! You need somewhere to cake shit. The money is you. You are the money. It's just do you more. It's fine. Have printed or whatever, however it works.

I don't know how it works, I just want it. Some guy paints it or something. Paint. All right, last one. Bananas as food. Can you imagine a world in which such crazy sentences could be spoken? It's, we're just ending on the monkey times.

The thing normally used for choking babies we didn't want could be food! Before they knew they could open them? Beheath the horrible peely rind actually exists quite a delicious dessert. I've finally gotten it one! I like that this- Before peeling you just squish it? That's nice! It's the 1600s and we're still getting Chiquita propaganda right now. It's the 1800s.

OK, I don't know. Any time is before like 1980 could be this. It's all like the same 10 years. Like a millennial. Uh, the banana was in charge. Yeah, if it came out before the Dana Carvey show, I don't... It's all the same here at that point. It's all the same.

What, is this 1400? I do DCAD. Yeah, Cleopatra, she was on Just Shoot Me, right? Oh my God, Kyle. She was real musty TV. The banana seems to be as poor an article of food as the potato. What the? Get fucked! I'm English and that's offensive.

I like how this opens with some real shade of like, could you imagine a loser eating a banana? Anyway, we could. They should be put in camps. Okay, so the banana seems to be as poor as an article of food as the potato, which it greatly resembles. No, not at all. What? Is this written by a blind, armless man?

This guy was like they were going around and he was like, man, I just really need to get an article today if I don't get an article. They're like, OK, we need somebody who's eating a lot of bananas. He's like, I could do it. They're like, you've, you've had a banana Joe. And he's like, Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The tree potato. It's like the it's the brown thing. Well, they can get brown, but they're not. You know, you take off the gravy. I know it. Yeah, mashed bananas. Okay, mashed bananas bananas or a baked banana or French bananas. They start going

I think he knows more about bananas than we do actually maybe he should write it It contains 1.71 per cent of albinoids one percent of albuminoids albumoids albumoids sure one point by the one percent of keep you white growing boy needs them of albumoids while the potato contains the same proportion man under normal circumstances requires 4.2 ounces of flesh-forming substances daily in order to obtain which from bananas he would have to consume 15 pounds of the fruit containing nine pints of water. This is a... I am obviously like all of us very lost in what this guy's saying At least we know it's so inaccurate. It's great. I do I do

Here's the thing. I don't trust anything he's saying but I am hitting subscribe on this guy's tweets Rogan's like really yeah This guy's like, did you need to have actually have to eat 15 times all the bananas that even exist? A human boy needs 4.1 albinoids, otherwise his skeleton becomes his skin. Yeah. Joe, did you know you need 42 midichlorians to reach ketosis? Jamie, can you look up albinoids and potatoes? Unfortunately, Jamie didn't need enough bananas. He's now just bones. Also, I like the idea that they're like, they're like, no, listen,

whether or not bananas are healthy, we're not sure we could put it up against the healthiest food of all, the potato. Obviously. There's two foods, potatoes and bananas. Pick what you pick one. We won't create superfoods for 200 years, but the potatoes here. I mean, essentially they created a fake content in bananas. And then they said that people need a certain amount of that. So then you'd have to eat 15 bananas a day, 15 pounds of bananas a day,

not realizing you can eat other food also. Like this article is saying you can't eat only bananas. It really, well, I guarantee you that was the takeaway for a few people to see shortly thereafter. This this this writer's wife is a monkey and he's like, I just feel like I can say something. She keeps controlling the marriage. It's just a corner.

What got him, sir? Another boy just dead from nanners. How many did he eat? 17 pounds. These kids are so misinformed. He's going, honey, I don't know who this John Campbell guy is writing this article. This is a pretty interesting article, baby.

Hey honey, you know you gotta eat 15 pounds of bananas a day to live? She's like, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah! All right, I understand, I understand. I understand. Uh, bananas then are unsuited to a man's diet, although a delicious accessory to a more nitrogenious food. Nitrogenious, wow. I thought they were gonna say, but it's fine for a woman to eat on occasion.

But it's all your wife should have. Holy fuck. Well, what a ride, as always, Kyle. Thank you for joining us. People can go to Kyle Anderson Comedy to watch your documentaries. That are so wild. Yeah. Yeah, check them out. And and and Dave I think you lost this episode yeah all right see you guys at this banana aisle Some of these days You'll miss me, honey

Some of these days We have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-part animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.