The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 122 - The Past Times with April Richardson

Episode Date: April 25, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian April Richardson SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH

All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. The great April Richardson. Hello, April. Hi, how are you guys doing? Good. Thank you for joining us again. Hey, thank you for calling me great in the intro. Well, I will be honest, I do that for everybody.

All right. Yeah. I could have let you have it, but. All right, thank you for. I like to hurt. That's all right. That's why I'm Dave's dad. I'm gonna take off, guys.

No, no. You guys can take off.. No, no. You can't see me. Well, real quick April, you moved to the UK a number of years ago. How do you feel about that silly decision now? Yeah, it's crazy. I've lived here for six years now. That's how long it's been. I got to tell you, every time I go to the doctor, I'm pretty stoked about it.

That's my one measurement of I'm like, oh, I can just go to the doctor whenever I want. So everything else, it's fine. That's pretty good. That's pretty much all I'm worried about. I can go to the doctor whenever I want. Yeah, it's just. How much does it cost? Lots.

It's about thousands of dollars. Yeah, okay, sure, sure, sure. All right, see, that's where the disconnect is because for me it's zero to one. I have a choice of a doctor. Yeah, a choice. And we're about to not need doctors anymore, because we're figuring out how to keep our autism out

of our bodies. That's right. It's about how somebody figured it out. And who better than RFK, the genius that is RFK. He's got as much brain as his dad did on his last day. So, such a rich science background. Like he's just studied and gone to so many universities. Like he just notes, you know what I mean?

Well, that's why he took a whale. He knows what he's talking about. He took a whale's head back to his laboratory to study it. Right. And then eat it, like all scientists do. And then he eats it like all scientists. He's not the kind of guy that sees a whale, a dead whale on a beach and goes, Hey, I'm going to leave that. I, he's the kind of guy.

You are. It's like, I'm going to take that home and study it. Guys who go, Whoa, a whale head. He's the kind of guy who goes, I'm going to traumatize the fuck out of my kids. Yeah. That's the kind of guy who's like dinner. That's what he thinks. So science then supper. Yeah, who's like dinner. That's yeah, science, then supper. Yeah, exactly. Well, Rachel, Rachel, good Lord. I'm drunk. April. That's why it's in my head. Well, maybe you should stop looking like a Rachel. Do you ever think about

that? Yeah, Dave's drunk, by the way. Oh, people can follow you by the way. Oh, sure. People can follow you on the socials. You are hilarious. You're a fan favorite. Your Instagram is... Are these two things that you've also told everybody else along with great? No. You're a murderer. Oh, I... Murderer? Can we... Let's not put that on a permanent record. Don't worry, you're not here. You don't go to El Salvador there. People can follow you at April Richardson. Yeah, April Rich on Instagram and then yeah, aprorichardson.com.

My ex-husband who's a big computer dude showed me how to make, you know, on blue sky, you can make your handle, your, your URL, your name, yeah. Yeah. So I did that. April Richardson.com. There you go. Well, well, well, look at you. Welcome to 2025 everybody.

That's what makes you great. Um, well, uh, April, we'd like to guess the year of this paper, um, as you drink from a novelty size jar. Um, drink from a novelty-sized jar. It's just a mason jar. You just go in jars. My man, glasses, jars, whatever. We would like you to guess first as to what year this paper could be from. The bad news is it's not really much of a competition because Dave will cheat me.

The good news is you will win. Um, so okay. Um, I'm gonna say 1942. Interesting. Interesting. Very interesting guess. I'm gonna go with 1906. Oh, April wins because she had a four in hers. It is 1894. Wow. You did not have a four in yours. So. Those are really loose rules. Yeah, they're trash rules. Yeah. This, this is we live in this podcast. We live under Trump who's Dave, who just, whatever. It's all about the fours people.

Doesn't make any sense. Not a saying, not something you've ever said, not something that's ever been said on this show before. I want those rules to apply to lottery tickets. I got A4, so let's- Put me in charge. Put you in charge of the lottery. No. I'll have everybody winning all the time. See?

It's Trump. Except Gareth. See? Trump. Trump. Friday, June 8th, 1894, the Rumums, Rumford Falls times, Rumford, Maine, Rumford Falls, Rumford Falls. Nobody knows where that is. And I would have looked it up.

Usually I look up like, where's that town? Does anybody care? Once you're in Maine, it's all the same. See, since America's fallen, April now, Dave, he's just kind of mailing it in. Have you been to Maine? Yeah, I have, Maine's great. It's all, but it's all the same. It's all big trees and nature. It's all the same.

It's all just picturesque. It's beautiful. Yeah. So it's all the same. So it doesn't matter where it is. So most of these stories and headlines are just gonna be like, a tree is pretty again. Yeah.

Well, what Gareth wanted was me, Gareth wanted to introduce inequality to Maine is me to come on and say one part of Maine is better than another part of Maine. And I didn't do that. I said, it's all the same. It makes you like a part better. Is that a Maine accent? I don't.

Is that just a general New England accent? There's, there's a part on the water and that's cool. Yeah. So you like the water part best. No, I think that the forest is also equally awesome. No more questions. A big catch. See, here we go.

The water part. Starting off with some local news. Yeah. A Rumford Falls contractor while crossing the bridge the other day was caught in the nose by a flying fish hook. Also, the bridge, there's just one bridge. We all are supposed to know the bridge. There's a bridge. Yeah, there's a bridge. And he got nose hooked.

Yeah. A yank and the hook disappeared. So he then got ripped out of his nose. Through his nose, yeah. I don't know if I believe this story. I believe it, 100%. Do you? Yes. So somebody was just casting off of the bridge and it just stood.

You know when you cast a fish, I can throw it up and then you go, so someone must have been below. Yeah, or even on the bridge, someone who was just casting wildly just got the nose. Yeah, I almost did that to my grandma once. Wish I had. Or even on the bridge, someone who was just casting wildly, just got the nose. Yeah, I almost did that to my grandma once. Wish I had. When you were fishing, you were the one casting the rod?

After she passed away. Oh, you're fishing at her school? That seems... You're exhumed. Keep going. I can't get it. No, no, I want more to the story. Did she get mad at you? No, but... Did you actually hook her in the face? No, no, but it was a near miss.

And everyone was like, Jesus. I was a kid. And everyone was like, Jesus Christ. I was like, what? She was like, oh, that's almost got me. Where was this? Where were you fishing? I think in Florida.

I mean, I was very young. But I think in Florida, same thing, just kind of fishing off of a dock. Right. And I just tried to kill you. So not the warm bridge in Florida. No, no. You tried to kill Nana. That's what I'm hearing. That's what I'm hearing. Attempted murder. Yep. Oh, this is kind of the same situation. The small boy supposed to be attached

to the other end of the line could not be discovered. And the questions, who, where, and what for are yet shrouded in mystery. Okay. So they're trying to say this is a premeditated casting. The kid ran away. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.

I need a followup article on the disappearing child with the fishing rod. Well, we're going to, we're gonna, every, until this kid comes forward, every child in town shall be punished. And imprisoned. I need like a Dateline episode on this kid. Yeah. Well, we need to put all the kids in a jail until, and there will be,

there will be a daily hand-severing. Well, and until we figure it out, let's just put them to work for a little while. Also, this is the most low stakes, like nailing somebody in the face with a little fishing hook. What are you doing? No. Little, little, little fishing hook. It whips through the nose. Good Lord. Sure, but I'm saying if you're really trying to do something. The man is scarred.

You've listened to one too many of your rock and roll punk albums with their awkward piercings in their face. Yeah, that's a fish hook in the nose is a fashion statement here in England. A hook hits a regular man, he bleeds. Yeah. I wanna talk to this kid, let's find this kid.

This kid's dead, April. He's alive, he's like a hundred something now, let's find him. This kid's not 130, he's dead. This boy's dead, April. He's alive, he's like 100 something now. This kid's not 130, he's dead. This boy's dead. Dave, confirm please, the boy's dead. Yeah, boy's dead. The boy's dead, April. Damn, we'll never know.

We'll never know the motive. I'm pitching Exum. Exum and Hook, like I tried to do to Nana. I think it was Protestant Catholic violence. Interesting take as usual. They had that in Maine at the time? Interesting take as usual. They had it in America. Yeah, we had.

They had like a version of The Troubles in Maine specifically? Yes. Yes. Yeah, seriously, there was like crazy shit that happened here. Yeah. There's about to be some crazy stuff that's happening. We've got what we call the troubles. That was like local town gossip. Go ahead. It wasn't that. I'm a little concerned about what they're calling the troubles,

but we all are. We all are concerned about that. So so the good troubles are happening in Massachusetts on the Simpsons. We're a bit north of that area. Yeah, that's I'm also is this a Maine accent? That's right. Yeah, right here on the water. It's called Softon.

It's a soft Boston, but we still have a bit of a draw. I want to make a couple of Yankees who are, go ahead. Are all people in Maine that shiny? Very, yeah. Well, yeah, we're right by the water. Yeah. I'm going to need you to drop the skincare routine. Lots of oils.

Yeah. It's a really gross yuck. Glowing. What are you yucking about? What's yuck to you? It's gross. What is? The whole shiny thing.

It's nice. And oils. It's a youthful glow. Yeah, it's oils. Sure, sure, sure, sure. It's oils and serums. It's like an apothecary. It's okay to age gracefully.

It is. That's for right. And I am, I will eventually. When it's time. When the serums have run out. It's like Bezos' wife, a congress street merchant. Oh, come on. That's vicious.

That's a hate statement. That's a hate print. A congress, how far away are you from doing shots, getting the botox? Never. I got botox once. You did? I got it once.

I did because, but it has nothing to do with aging. It's because I've got the 11s. I've got like ice cube eyebrows where I just look permanently angry. So that's why I got it, but it hurt like fuck, dude. You did it really? I only got it right there. Yeah, the lady tried to sell me like, of course.

Is this in England? Yeah, it's in England sell me, like of course. Is this in England? Yeah, it's in England. It was right before Rocktown. Free health care, was it? It was not, surprisingly not covered by the NHS. I can only imagine getting Botox in England with that. Don't worry, we've just done your lips again. No, I just, I went to like, you know, a reputable,

you know, spa type place. But they, so I was like, I just want it here. I only want to not look mad. I was like, I genuinely don't care about looking old or whatever. It just always looks like- Did she say, try to not be mad? Well, your problem is you're always pissed off.

I'm the least pissed off person, but because of these specifically, I look like I'm always scowling. So I got it. And then she was like, What about here? What about here? What about here? Oh, this is not only are you not selling me on it, you're just insulting me. Like you're just listing where all my rainbows are.

So I'm good. Let's do a bit of a neck. It lasted about six months. And then once it, you know, whatever evaporated, I never got it done again. Because did you not look angry? I've never thought you were angry, but yeah. Yeah, these two lines specifically was right there and it got rid of those two lines for probably about six months. And now it's your attitude that tells us you're angry, which is

how it should be. I'm fuming all the time. That's me. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we had someone who had the elevens around here one time right before we had the troubles Who is this now this guy's the same earlier? I don't like how you I was treated earlier. I believe I was more accurate than I was given credit for Well, I mean your accent sir is all over the map. So it's not Your accent, sir, is all over the map. So it's not. Yeah, we thought you were a different guy. No, you know, you've now you made that part up.

I'm the same guy as was before. It literally right there. There I lost it a little for sure. There I will concede something that happened partially. A congress street merchant lost his pocketbook Sunday, discovering its absence soon after returning from church after search of the streets and hours of anxiety, he accidentally discovered the lost treasure behind the looking glass where he had carefully placed it in the morning.

Dumb story. Literally nothing happened. The dumbest shit ever. But that's small town news. Guy left something and found, and it was where he left it. It's like if your friend told you that, I'd be like, I don't need that.

Yeah, this is the story. I looked all over the place for my keys and they were on the key hook. I was holding them. This is a time where printing press, like the effort that goes into making this newspaper is such that it's like, you're wasting that on, Hey, this guy lost his wallet.

He has to fill the page. But he could. Yeah. There's better stories. This is, I mean, this is like following this lead. If you're in this area must've been like, imagine the guy with the pencil behind his ear and the little note, like, sir, tell me more. Keep going.

Yeah. He was like, uh, I'd like a couple more of the developments from this particular story. Can I get a quote, please? Yeah. Also, you said he left it behind his looking glass. Is that what they call mirrors then or something? I don't know what a looking glass is. Oh, it must have been in the,

well, it's a pocket book. Well. I assume wallet is that? a pocketbook is a wallet, right? So I assume I don't know why it would be behind a looking glass. Yeah, I don't know what that is. Looking glass is like. Gareth has the answer. Gareth, go. I don't think I do.

I mean, I think it was a little mirror. This is April, by the way. This is the best because people listening to the show This is the this is almost why we do the show at this point There are some people who are furious at this conversation right now They're like it was a very weird because we don't know what cuz we don't know we're googling and we're quitting Sorry Well, it's very it's also very funny. People can't understand that some people are just like,

nah, whatever. Yeah, yeah, they block closures. Even right now. All right. Just figure it out. This will be in the comments. I do that with a ton of stuff. Whatever.

Yeah. Or this will be a DM. Hey, I know you said you didn't want to know, but just so you know, here's a link to Looking Glass culture of the mid 1890s. Totally. I'm a Looking Glass historian, and you guys really fucked this one up.

We're suing you. DT Robertson lost a valuable gold watch Tuesday morning while coming from Dixfield on a bicycle. I've come from Dixfield. Yeah. If he just finds it where he left it, the paper needs to be burned. He had been in his shop nearly two hours before he missed it. He took his wheel and went back nearly to Dixfield when he found it uninjured, although several teams had passed.

Also, his wheel, he was riding a unicycle? A bicycle. Oh, it's still a wheel singular. It's still very, I like to picture that one big wheeled bike with the small wheel. That's probably what it was. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, that's right, it has a small backup wheel.

Why did that start like that? Is that how bikes started? No. Is that the first training wheel where it's like you've got your giant? So what was with the first guy? I think that's how they started? No. Is that the first training wheel where it's like, I think that's how we did a bike episode. I think that's how they started. Yeah. I think the big wheel was the early thing. I was prototype for the bicycle. And then they're like, this is wildly uncomfortable. Well, then some guy was like, what if they were just like the same size? He was like, ah, I don't think that it. Yeah. I don't think that'll work.

And then they made two huge ones. How am I gonna get on it? The way you gotta have your bike, buddy. Do you guys remember the guy on Melrose who used to ride a unicycle on Melrose? No. Yes, there's a guy because I used to go to that pizza place

all the time on Melrose and the guy would The Peach Pit. The Peach Pit. I loved it. I loved to go to that pizza place all the time on Melrose and the guy would- The Peach Pit. The Peach Pit, I loved it. I loved hanging out there with the crew. This guy every time would ride by on, not only on a unicycle, but he has a tattoo, he has a clown face tattooed on his face. She's, okay, so calling that guy the unicycle guy

is your first mistake. Exactly, but I was such a dick about him because I would see him so often, and obviously his whole thing is like, everyone stare at me that I would physically yawn. I would yawn super exaggeratedly when he would drive by just because I'd be like, dude, we get it. You're weird.

Because he was wearing a 1920s gangster suit, tattooed on clown face, riding a giant unicycle. Here's what I like to think. I mean, he's in Hollywood. I like to think that that guy was. I mean, who's in Hollywood? I like to think that that guy was like, there's this woman I walk by who's always tired. So I try to make her day more exciting

by putting clown face on my face and writing a unicycle buyer just to see if I could spike her adrenaline. It never works. Yeah, and also those yawn right in my face. And right now he's on a podcast like, do you remember the yawning woman who used to walk down Melrose?

Chronically yawning every time. you remember the yawning woman who used to walk down Melrose? Chronically yawning. She was chronic yawning. Yeah. There is a new terror in town. Here we go. It goes forth like a lion seeking whom it may run down. Yes. It is more to be dreaded than a car of juggernaut.

Car of juggernaut. That's fine. I think that than a car of juggernaut. Car of juggernaut? That's fine. I think that's a car of... I think they open for insane clown posse. Yeah. Because it can speed around the square while the juggernaut is turning the corner. It is more terrible than an army. A juggernaut's got to be like some kind of wagon situation.

Now I'm asking what is it? I've only ever, juggernaut I've only known as like an adjective. Yeah. What is a juggernaut? Car of juggernaut. A car of juggernaut. What does that mean at all?

Just refresh here. Keep reading Dave. It also sounds like a, they might be giant song or something. That's true too. Album. It is more terrible than an army with banners yay Than an army of nurses with baby buggies says a very large heavy truck

So it's got to be some kind of big wagon a car It's like it's like a it's like a big wagon vehicle like oh yeah, okay Because I don't have cars yet It is what need to say the woman on a bicycle. Oh, my God. I don't say it. I don't say it, but it's a fucking problem. It's a problem in town.

They're basically comparing a woman on a bicycle to like a monster. A monster. It's a monster terror. It's not a monster. It's a crazy, large, out of control vehicle. No difference. April, it's hard for us to mansplain this because you've been brainwashed so much, but it's not good when we see a woman on a bike. You know what I mean? We're scared. Yeah.

Anytime a woman is doing anything on her own. Don't get me all weird. No, no, no, no. Don, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no should be pink. Yeah. And you're not driving it. Someone else is. You're on it. Or someone's there to monitor you. Like monitor. And we want women to have fun, but this is just for the safety of everyone around the woman. Right. No, I understand. We can't. We're not good at. Yes. Yeah. As good as man. As good as man. Yes. We've got to be careful because in the past five to 10 years, there's been this whole kind of annoying like, man, like, we've been saying

that it's just been really hard for David. Can you extract this whole thing where it's just like these, it's just like, women and some of these weak, weak soy boy males are going like, yeah, the women did give me everything fun too. And you're like, Oh, my God, stop. Look, well said. Well, yeah, it's just a lot for us to go. I'm more tired than ever. I'm sleeping better than ever.

But it's only because I'm exhausted from the day to day grind of just being like, I couldn't do it. Oh, am I holding the door? Am I not holding the door? Sure. Oh, yes. Do I pull the seat out or is that is that an assault? You know what I mean?

I just can't tell anymore. It's very hard to be the man. Finally, finally, somebody says it. Yeah, it's very hard. I appreciate you. Oh, but I buy you a drink. Oh, now you don't mind that, you know, and come on. Come on.

This is what an apt critique of feminism. You're really making me read a lot of shit. I'm just telling you, we overcorrected. So now we got women on bikes in the park, people are dying. I just want the kids to live. We're changing the name of this podcast to The Truth. Yeah, it's a true pod. Finally, saying what we think for once.

Pedestrians, by the way, they always call, they do, but we get, I get called a soy boy a lot because our clips get put up on Instagram and then right wingers find them and I get called soy boy all the time, which is very funny because I drink soy milk. So I like soy. Is soy boy still a thing? Like that is still. Oh yeah. Beta is strong. And boy is still a thing. Like that is.

Oh yeah. Beta is strong. And here's what I found. Anyone who uses the clown emoji is just, it's complete more, it's their way of being like, how do you like that? It's like, it's just to me, like a Scarlet letter of dumb assery. Sure. Sure. I cloud emoji. That's still going on. Soyboy. Beta, soyboy.

Cock. Cock. Love it. Yeah, they're still there. Isn't it so amazing too because you're like, you guys won everything. Yeah. You won everything, so what are you still mad about? Yeah, they're still like, god, wokeness. And you're like,, and then over. You guys are in control of everything. So stop. Yeah, you're right. Being sensitive is now done. Happy. That'll be good. Yeah. Yeah. Pedestrians have slight protection against the man on a bicycle when he goes on a rampage. They can scurry out into the gutter and kick mud at him.

They can scramble upon the fence and hurl hard hunks of language at him. They can subsidize a teamster and stick a coal card on him. They can lug around baseball bat walking canes and knock him out on the fly now and then. I have never loved a phrase more than hard hunks of language. Hard hunks of language. That's like a poetry book that I'm going to write. Hard hunks of language. I'd like to be on the cover.

That's amazing. I also don't sleep on the fact that you can hit men off bikes with bats. Yes. And that's- And the complaint- It's in the paper. with bats. Yes. And the complaint, the complaint. They're like, I'm telling you in the paper to do it. And women can't do that to the woman with a bad woman on the bike with a bat anymore.

That's cancer culture. It's what was happening in the 1800s. Woke. But the woman on a bicycle is another thing altogether. The public has long since recognized the fact that it is at the mercy of the woman on a pavement, especially if she walked double or triple file, and more especially if she carry an umbrella.

All right. I co-sign on that. Because when people are walking like four or five across it's like I fucking read over the shit out of them. I hate that shit so much. I agree. Yeah, that's why I know that's the reason I stopped living in cities.

Also at the farmer's market sometimes I'll see like three or four people talking in the middle and you're like, hey, notice how everyone's really inconvenienced now? Well, you're like, I know. Yes. My favorite nectarine. Yes. Let's discuss it right in single, like across the aisle. I hate that shit.

I do. I love that. That's what I do too. I'm like, I will teach you a lesson going forward. Yeah. You're still doing the Yonder the Clown just in different ways essentially. Totally. You're still out there. Yeah. Also, just in different ways, essentially. Yeah, I am totally. You're still out there. Also, is this an editorial in this paper that somebody's just like,

let me tell you about bikers and how do you deal with them? Oh, this is actually from the Louisville Courier Journal. So it must be editorial, yeah. Oh. It's that good of an article. Put her on a bicycle and she is simply devastation on wheels. That's just amazing. It's true.

I never thought, I mean, I guess there has to be an origin story for women can't drive, and it's women can't ride bikes. Well, yeah, men were very against women not, I think you'd find it's women can't anything. Yeah, for sure. But the two biggest things men were very upset about were women having pockets and women having bicycles. Yes. But the two biggest things men were very upset about

were women having pockets and women having bicycles. Yes, God, that pocket thing is still so real. Yeah. With face set as grimly as fates, with eyes as unseen as the sphinxes, with petals. Jesus Christ. It's crazy. I'm talking about. It's's crazy.

It's crazy. What the fuck? With pedals as relentless as the jaws which clamp her toe. Tolu. OK, Tolu, she swoops down the street and when she does, let her let the beast hunt their holes, the fouls of the roost and men and children hurry to the second stories. when she does let the beasts hunt their holes, the fowls of the roost, and men and children hurry to the second stories, if second stories be in reach.

Hey, can you read that holes part again, but kinda slowly? She does let the beasts hunt their holes. Okay. You like that? First of all, what the fuck does that mean? Second of all, this is written as if a woman riding a bike is like putting fucking Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's on a bike and pushing him down the street. Like it's just complete chaos.

Yes, now you're getting it. Dave, I'll handle this. Because you're a woman, you've never seen a woman on a bike from the man. I'm a woman, I'm barely comprehending these words that are being said. Yeah, it's not good. It's like if you saw a Sasquatch with a samurai sword masturbating, you'd be like, ah, it's really bad. It's that crazy. Sure, of course. It's coming at you.

Say the line again with the samurai sword. Yeah, yeah, it's slower. Yeah. It's like seeing a Sasquatch with a samurai sword jacking off, running down the street, coming to warn you. Yeah. There you go. See?

That was nice. See what happens when the men are charged, it goes well. Somebody is gonna make fan art of that. Somewhere on the internet that will become porn. I hope it ends up in the right wing chat room and that's what they see. You just unlock somebody's very specific fetish. The clown emoji. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, that's how we get a list of it.

A victim of avarice. In 1812. Well, that's weird. 18. It's that's so they're just telling a story from. Yeah, from several decades ago in 1812, a teacher of languages in Berlin died literally of hunger. He had been in the habit of giving lessons in the daytime and banging at night. Is he not? I don't think they're paying.

I was about to say, what is he, a free lesson? I don't understand what. I don't think he's, what about asking for his salary of some kind? Yeah. Nah. After his death, oh no, after his death,

a sum of money equal to about a hundred thousand francs was found concealed in his room. He had for his heir, a brother whom he had refused to see for the space of 27 years because he had written to him a letter without paying the postage. So he was just a cheap, a cheap weirdo. Yeah. Any money? Yeah. He was for that time. That's a lot of that time. That's a lot of fucking money. That's a lot of fucking money. I don't think we know how much a Frank is, do we?

And a Frank. Yeah, it's a Frank. I know how much a Frank is a Frank. You think you're spelling F.R.A.N.K. 187 pounds, a normal Frank. No, you're thinking of a Frank. A Frank. No, you're thinking of a fronk. A fronk. Stop. It's a dollar.

So it's a hundred. I mean, it's a little over a dollar. A hundred thousand dollars in fucking 1812. Frank is worth like a dollar. You lucked out. That's crazy. That's the money with the hole in it. Wait a minute.

So he's saying that his brother, he tried to write a letter to his brother, but didn't pay for the postage. So his brother never got it. And that's why they never talked. Saying a lot of stuff. This is one of those articles saying a lot of stuff and also very little. I have a question. Why is this newsworthy? Why would a paper in America be reporting on this? Well, maybe you don't like interesting facts.

Is that because we're all still recovering from when the guy found his pocketbook where he left it. How would this paper find out that a guy in France or wait, Germany? Don't do this. This is what you're doing now. What you're doing now is a lot like riding a bicycle out in the street. I'm just saying. Good point. My slow lady brain, the gears in the lady brain, just they're just

grinding against a lot. I can't get together. It's a lot. I want to know more about this guy. After this, we're going to look up this guy. He started a podcast. Yeah, yeah, he's not real. There's no way that's real.

Maybe I mean, when you're when you're writing a newspaper in 1894 He started a side podcast. Yeah. He's not real. There's no way that it's real. Maybe. I mean, when you're writing a newspaper in 1894 and you're just bringing up random stories from 1812, you're making it up. You're making it up. How could you possibly verify any of that? Again, I get so jealous, retroactively, of anybody who lived pre-internet,

because it's just so easy to lie and fake and scam. Because there's no way to check on anything. In the 1800s, you could literally just be like, I don't like this life life and then just go a few states over and then now you're Frank. You know, like a new high school five miles down the road and you're like, what's up? I'm Jeff. And then just yeah, a whole life. And yeah, I'm Jeff. I'm an Olympic gymnast.

Amazing. Jeff, you're the king of our town now. Yeah. Well, there's also a number of doll it. That's your new life. We have a number of doleps where it's like, some guy will just be like, if you buy this box for $40,000, it will create money when you walk outside and people are like, Jesus Christ, take it. Yes, straight up music man shit.

And then you just go on to the next town. What a life. I think I'd be a scammer if I was around in those times. I think you are a scammer. But you would be found out you can't be a scammer and rise to like high office. I as a woman couldn't be because I couldn't like, get on my bike

and ride off after my scams. That's right. Thank you. But you said you can't be a scammer now. It's not like you can start like a, like a some sort of banking company and then, and then start a car company and then the rocket company. And you wouldn't be able to start like in a time where no consequences are faced by anybody. Yeah. No, you, you know,

you couldn't achieve the highest office in the land and start like one of those fake meme coin things and do a rug pull and that get away with it. Yeah you could never because you know there are laws apparently. We have checks we have balances. You can never do that now. Nope not on my watch. Sometimes I sometimes I think about the the Dolph fan who was a crazy Elon L lover and when I would make comments about him online he would attack me and eventually I blocked him but sometimes I think about like now I just want I wish I could go back to that angle so where

yet he's still the in probably still in he's still what does he what yeah I mean it's all it's all smoke and mirrors. The best one is the Garry sent his video that the Hyperloop is just like the hyperloop. The Hyperloop is so again, it's it's an embarrassment of riches when it comes to picking his largest craziest failures. Yeah, the Hyperloop is tremendous.

Really special. I guess I just know Matt, Matt, I have never, who's like, that CEO is cool. What a cool guy. Like the concept of just being like, the guy who owns that company is my hero. Like, what are you fucking talking about? Like, they don't, I don't get that.

I blame it on Bill Gates, because in the 90s, Bill Gates was the big villain in America. Right. And then he rehabbed his image. I mean he did stuff like payoff and NBC. He'd like, oh you want a grant for $200,000? He did shit like that. And now he then he became seen as something good. And between him and Steve Jobs, I really think that it just created this, CEOs are fucking awesome. I don't. It's like, and even if they give the charity and shit, and Steve jobs, I really think that it just created this CEOs are fucking awesome.

I don't like, and even if they give to charity and shit, you're like, yeah, they're supposed to be doing that. And they're just not, it's nothing to them. Yeah. But I guess I don't understand. And this is somebody I admire tons of people, but it's like people who make things and I don't know. I don't. Being like, no, they're, they're, they're largely, yeah. It doesn't mean you know how to do everything. You just made a thing. Yeah. Yeah.

So I just can't imagine being like, yeah, the CEO of that car company is my idol. What? What are you talking about? Well, that's why the Blue Origin space thing, the Yas Queen space mission is so fucking hysterical. It's really, yeah. It really was like the height of austerity and tone deafness from even from sort of this like these like sort of like, yeah, it's a women, it's women taking this. It's like, it's still a Bezos private entity funded and he's putting other near billionaires in this rocket and then you're mad at us for being like

Hey, this fucking sucks from every perspective every I'm the worst. I fucking hates I'm like space is none of our goddamn business It's none of our business Let her cook What in the fuck just happened? Let her cook. I hate it. What do you mean you hate space? Don't give a shit. It's none of my business.

It's space and the deep ocean, both of those places. None of our fucking business. The ocean. None of our business. Space is none of our business is awesome. It's true. That could be a special title. Because I'm like, the amount of money.

Look, this is the thing. I don't want to like hijack the entire podcast. This is something I feel very strongly about. I think it's a huge fucking waste of money. Especially this should have like, we're going to live on Mars someday. See that part of it. That part of it is a way. I think what NASA was doing was good, but what's happening now is not good really. But I do like the idea that you can just anti-space an ocean. This ocean is none of our goddamn business. Have you seen the shit?

Would you go down like miles into the ocean? Oh, yeah, the dark part. And there's fucking fish with like chainsaws and lasers on their heads and shit? The bioluminescence. Why are we trying to find that out? Like, let them be. The ocean is none of our business.

The forest is none of our business. The forest is different because at least you don't like die if you come out of the forest too fast. If you get the fucking bench when you're trying to escape. The ocean is telling us do not come here. Every aspect of it is saying don't come down here. saying don't come down here. I don't really have an argument. I don't agree, but I also can't really argue.

I don't agree either, but I also don't have an argument against what you're saying. It's a pretty good point. It is a good point. Space being none of our business, I get a lot more, but the ocean is done. It's just not. We're not welcome. Like did you guys see, I posted all about this because I freaked out.

Cause a couple of months ago when they posted that fish, they were like a rare sighting of the fucking devil fish or whatever. And it was like the scariest thing you've ever seen with like giant fangs. And I'm going, you should have to assign an NDA if you work for any ocean shit. Why did you just show this to me?

I don't need to know this exists. It doesn't enrich any human life to know that this terrorizing devil fish exists five miles down below the surface where no one's ever gonna fucking go. Like, don't tell me that. And don't go try to hang out with them. They don't want you there.

I just think that shit sucks. Do you ever go in the ocean? Do you ever go to the beach? No, fuck no. I go to the beach? No, fuck no. I go to the beach, but like, I'm never gonna swim in anything I can't see the bottom of. You don't go in the water when you're at the beach?

I go like knee deep, waist deep tops, tops. It depends on the ocean. When I was like in Greece and you can see the bottom, great, I'll go like waist deep. But down at the English channel, that's like a 10 minute walk. I need deep tops. I'm not trying to kick anything with like fangs when I'm swimming. I'm not trying to kick anything with fangs.

When you're swimming in the ocean and you're fucking kicking your feet, who fucking knows what you're going to make contact with? Just so you know, this is like a op-ed in a newspaper from 1894. That's really doing. You have to be sure is not a business. Give me the Pulitzer, because I'm a passionate out of the ocean. None of our goddamn business. Leave it alone.

None of those fish with all those apparatus is coming out of their face. Want any contact with us? They don't want their picture taken. Don't show me this picture. What? Fish got a big chainsaw coming out of its mouth. Like that's actually if they could talk, it would be like no pictures. Yes.

That's how. Yeah. Yeah. No, the ocean is full of like beavers. Oh my God. The ocean is none of our business. Plus those are why are we even going to space to look for the aliens? Because those are the aliens. The aliens are what

live five miles down below in the ocean. Those are fucking aliens. I don't disagree with this. I agree with this. So yeah, don't you need to go to Mars? You have the scary ass alien in the ocean. We don't need to go discover any shit. I still want to see him. I still do too. But I but April is very disappointed in us. I still want to see him. I do show him to me. Show me all the freaks. You want to go if do you guys like scuba dive? I serve. I've sorry, but I mean, if somebody we would and we said like we have a way that you could go down

Like two miles in the end. Yeah, do it. Yeah I don't know why you're acting like you're meeting fish right now when we say yes to that that that is it Just makes me scared for you like we're not doing it. Nobody's made that offer We're but but just the fact that you would be over by the way I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna kick a bunch of shit with fangs. No. Yeah.

When I'm surfing, there are sharks around me all the time. Right, but sharks, I can comprehend the existence of a shark. What the fuck just happened? What the fuck just happened? Now you're just like, no sharks are, yeah, no sharks are a friend. I'm not doing that. I don't wanna hang out with a shark, but I can, you know, a shark makes sense to me.

We've learned about sharks. The deeper you go, the more these animals are like, what the fuck am I looking at? It's got like a flashlight hanging off of it. And it's got like three feet long teeth. Like those are things where you go, only my night terrors have those in them. A shark has a form that like we're we go with that looks like

a fish. That's a fish. It's a scary fish, but it's a fish. The deeper you go, you're like, what the fuck even is this thing? Like it's a demon. Like, April, let me ask you a question. What, what did the fish do to you? What did the fish do? I hate them. So you want a war? No, I want them to just be left alone. That's why when people are like, I want to go, Hey, I'm going to go check them out and hang out with them. That's when I'm like, I don't know. I think you're hanging out with the wrong people.

Who's, who's, you guys were just like, yeah, I would happily go hang out with these maniacs. We went to the Great Barrier Reef and it was a fantastic experience How did you go? We went so deep? We found where it started I Just can't I don't know it's just a weird chainsawed fish and he punched it in its fang. Yep. And then his light came on. It didn't chainsaw your hand.

Then its light came on. It was like a lamp. He hit a lamp fish. I don't know. It's just too unknown. Like, you know, it's everything about it. It's the environment. It's like black nothingness, no sound, no nothing.

And then again, like I said, if you get freaked out and you try to swim to the surface really fast, you get punished for running away and your lungs explode and you get the bends. Everything about it sucks ass. I'm gonna drug you and throw you deep into the ocean and wake you up.

I would murder you. I would murder you if you did that. I'm gone at that point. That would be the cruelest possible thing anyone could ever do to me. I have to admit that it would be so great if every time Elon said, we're going to Mars, people just started yelling at him. It's none of our business.

It would be great to have April on stage with Elon at all space events. Just like, no! April, hold on. Let me get through this. Because then if you think about that, his obsession with wanting to live on Mars, look, it seems like it fucking sucks. Who the fuck wants to live on Mars?

Some fucking incel loser who mails his cum. And also, like the thing that he doesn't ever factor in is how many people, this type of space exploration, how many people die to finally get to be able to live there? It's like tons of people are gonna die. Tons of people. And then once they get there, you're like, oh cool. So we just all live in this like pod

on this barren desert planet. Seems pretty great, cool. Like I, what are you doing? Everyone, we got enough problems here Stay here figure out the problems. It's none of our business. Don't say don't you don't need to go to space You've got the land and the oceans to figure out go ahead Dave She's a she makes a stern mayor Miss Yates the lady lady who, as mayor,

rules the destinies of Onehunga, New Zealand. Oh, I was gonna say, it didn't seem like America had one lady. Yeah. Onehunga or Onehunga, Onehunga, Onehunga. It seems like quite a leap to go from they can't ride bikes to now one is a mayor. Let her distribute the economy. We're going, we're just defining different ladies

to talk shit about now we found one we got economy. We're going we're just defining different ladies to talk shit about. Now we're we found one in New Zealand. Yeah. Has introduced some new rules of etiquette during a discussion on the resignation of the sanitary inspector. One of the counselors assumed a smiling expression whereupon the lady reproved him with the remark, this is no place to smile. That made that made world news. A lady telling a guy that made world news.

Yeah, but I can see, because that's like the, she did the uno reverse, dude, cause we're told to smile every time we're walking down the street. This whole paper is written just about how worried men are that women are doing anything that they shouldn't be. A little bit. It's not surprising at the time.

And again, good thing that's changed. I know. It's a good thing that we don't live in that kind of time. Six went to space. I'm told it is actually some of our business. Wait, by the way, I didn't obviously watch like what, how, what did they technically do? Oh, you don't want to almost say this space barrier and then came back. But Katie, I can't know.

Katie Perry had a flower and discovered earth. And what else did she do? She sang. She sang a song in, in space. What was the song in? I keep thinking it's we are the world. It's not we are the world. No, it was I love Earth and I polluted it more than anyone else can in two minutes.

What a wonderful world. She's saying what a wonderful world. What a fucking asshole. So they just hit the edge of the atmosphere or something and then came right back and that's all it was? Yeah. Okay. Great.

God, it's so amazing. I'm glad that they used the eight zillion dollars to do that. Yeah, but one of them's gonna blow up and they are going to be so shocked at the Luigi-like reaction. Oh, they were shocked by this reaction. If that had blown up.

Oh, my God. I'm telling you. Yep. They have no idea. Yeah, they just don't get it. They don't know. Get it. It's really amazing.

Is Bezos also like, does he also want to live on Mars? Or he just wants big of a Mars guy. Yeah. Because Mars plan, Elon deep down in his head knows it's bullshit. Yeah, right. But yeah. So Bezos is probably a little more aware that it's just not going to happen. He's just going to he's just doing this because he thinks it's like fun to go. Yeah. Well, yeah.

But yeah, it really is. It's just kind of a new level of affluent tourism. Yeah. I mean, literally, he literally, his favorite show was a space show about other civilizations or whatever. And then all of a sudden he got into space and wanted to go to space. That's literally how it happened. It's why we can't give these people this much money. Because then you're like, why are you doing it? And he's like, I mean, we'll go to do something. I have everything.

Yeah. Yeah. Space seems so boring, dude. Excuse me, you're biased. We've already heard your pitch on space. Have you ever seen Star Trek? Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. Space. Why would she watch it? It's none of her business. So you don't even know you don't even know what a Kardashian is.

I just don't care. Why would I watch Star Trek? It's not of her business. So you don't even know what a Kardashian is. I just don't care. Why would I watch Star Trek? It's like, I don't. And I also like how you bring that out. Like it's a documentary. Star Trek is the truth about space. Star Trek is beamed in from the future. It's a documentary beamed from the future.

I'll have you know, these are episodes specifically from the Captain's Log. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are from official documents, yeah. He says it every episode, April. I'm just not a space guy. I'm just, I've never been a space guy. It hasn't come across in this episode of podcasting. Woman's World.

What the fuck? Mm-hmm, I like it. The Philadelphia Convention of Women's Clubs. Oh, God, time to get out of town. Oh, boy. They'll sink. It was good to be at Philadelphia at the second biennial convention of the General Federation of the Women's Clubs, and it was lots of fun. When all is said, there is probably no one

who enjoys women more than a woman. Not the way, it's not the way I do it, I'll tell you that. Honestly, that sentence could not have ended either way. That's a category on Pornhub that they dissect to get laid. Women loving women. Although she takes herself individually very seriously, she has a happy faculty of putting herself on the outside when looking at the rest of her sex,

and she finds them very amusing. Is this just a universal she? They just mean like. Yes, woman. Yeah, it's how we talk about like a dog. Yeah. Yep. It's just normal, fine stuff.

It is funny how this, like it's talking about as like we're a different species. I know it is. It's like a guy in the wild. It's like Jack Hanna, like, and you can see here. It's like David Attenborough or something, yeah. And Jack, where's her dick?

Very funny thing about the woman actually, the woman doesn't actually have the dick. Totally. This is so wild. Gareth's gonna get in trouble for that. For example, almost every other woman, when she went into the room in the new Century Clubhouse, where her railroad tickets were to be vized

for the reduced rates, she found that the railroad had sent an agent to receive them a man who was very deaf. Okay, so they're getting their tickets like this. I think they're getting comp tickets or something. Okay. And so the route but the railroad that they sent a deaf guy to do the job. That's where I got a little lost.

Okay. Sure. No questions were needed to be asked. The certificates told the story and the agent did his work with skill and dispatch, but the women saw the humor in it. Of him being deaf? Yeah, the humor in his deafness? Jesus Christ.

Wow. Quote, isn't it funny? Perfectly delicious. I suppose they thought we should talk him to death. These and similar comments betrayed their appreciation and enjoyment of the situation there we go so they're like they sent a deaf guy cuz all these bitches be nagging the yeah so we gotta send a deaf guy. The men were like how will one man stand the talking of six to eight women yes let's send Herbert. He has no ears.

Yep. He will be able to survive. Wow. Well. No, no. See, now that you said I'm gonna get in trouble, I'm going the other side. That's disgusting.

What a disgusting joke, Dave. Women's suffrage and women's brain. Is this the same article? Yeah, it's right near it. Okay. But it's a different article? Amazing. Well, there's kind of a lot of women stuff here. This guy's going on a real run.

The editor was like, first of all, we start with hooks and nose, the guy lost something, and then why women keep fucking checking it down? Tell me more about the women's brain. What is so great about this time, and not now obviously, is that any time you got mad at your wife or someone broke up with you or someone didn't go out with you on a date, you can then just hit the paper and just write this shit. Yeah, and it becomes all women's fault. Yeah.

Because totally. Yep. The present very active and enlightening agitation over the question of women's suffrage calls up, by the way, that did not work out, calls up again the many now established facts about the physiological differences in the nervous system of the sexes. Jesus Christ. So this is science. This is science.

This is science. You see, in my opinion, what's inside of a woman is none of our business. It's like the ocean. Not very long ago, Sir James Crichton Brown delivered a series of lectures in which he aimed to show from actual data that the brains of women were not only relatively smaller then, but essentially different in structural arrangement

and functional characteristics from those of man. But is he doing that by like holding a woman's brain or he is just, it's just this guy, cause a lot of it is just the guy. You don't need to actually hold the woman's brain. You can give examples. Yeah, right. So it's just like. Behavioral examples.

Example one, look at how they ride bikes. Right. Thank you. Yes, great example, how they treat the deaf man. Yes, yes. I mean, we already have all of these examples from today's episode alone. It's just so great to be in a time when you could just be like, I figured out a woman's brain and everyone's like, gather round.

He in particular showed that the vertebral arteries in women are larger in proportion to the keratids than they are in men, and that the cerebellum and posterior parts of the brain were therefore more nourished proportionally. The brain of a woman is 4% smaller than that of a man after deducting the factors of height and weight. Just shut up. It's just so fucking-

I love it. I love it. I mean, especially because, you know, in this day and age, this is a doctor who probably like, you know, if you go to the doctor then, hey, I got a headache. Hey, have you thought of doing cocaine about it? Like, this is those doctors where they're like, do you want to try leeches and cocaine?

So I love that this guy is- Yeah, this guy's got the big brain. Yeah, amazing, amazing. Oh, this is good. And woman's brain, as soon as it reaches its apogee, begins to decline in weight so that senile atrophy is manifested sooner than in a man. Hey, this might be confirming everything this guy says,

so I probably shouldn't say it out loud, but is it how much your brain weighs? Oh, yeah. Have any bearing on your intelligence? Oh, yeah. Are you? Yeah. My wife, my wife. Guys got big fat brain. Go Dave. Well, my wife and I had an argument over this. So we I had her lay on the scale and then we both weighed our heads.

April, do you not have a head scale? You know, I don't. And it's interesting because I guess already anybody who brings up IQ, I'm already like, what? But now I love the idea of being like, not even IQ, just going, how much does your brain weigh? Mine weighs fucking 10 pounds, dude. How about yours?

This is Jen. He's got a nine pound brain. Yeah, like who knows that about the brain and how in the world does that dictate your intelligence? This is also a time when these people are just eating spoonfuls of lead. Yes. Exactly.

So. They're probably just swelling in their brains from the lead paint chips. And they're like, that means I'm smart. It's okay. There's no doubt we believe in the minds of physiologists that, oh yeah, so this is phrenology shit, right? Yeah. Of course.

That the mental characteristics of a woman have a structural basis in the conformation and amount of her nervous tissues. Okay, and that no amount of training will make- That's what she uses when she cries, April. that no amount of training will make when she cries April and no amount of training will make the male and female brains alike. Yeah. So you can't, you can't read yourself.

No amount of training also because it's like, sorry ladies. Sorry ladies. Men's brains are from Mars and women's brains are from Venus. Totally. We're not going to Mars with our brains though Dave. That ain't none of our business. Of course, all this does not in the least prove that woman's mind is not adapted to the demands of suffrage or political, jury, and military duty. It only shows that the result of the conferring suffrage cannot be positively predicted either

one way or the other, since it would be injecting into our political system an entirely new Conferring suffrage cannot be positively predicted, either one way or the other, since it would be injecting into our political system an entirely new factor. This, that was- So it's like, don't let women vote because their brains aren't fat enough? I mean, I think so.

But it was the equivalent at the end there of going like, ladies, we're not saying you can't do everything. Yes, yes, yes. Just certain things are bad for you. If you had heavier brains, we would let you do these other things. But your brain ain't bad enough, baby. With the feeble brains that you do have, we understand that you at least know how to cook and sew.

And that's plenty for us. That's what you need. You've done enough. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's been a very informative episode in a number of ways. That's it. We're ending on the women's brains of people. We learned about women.

This was an article that we learned about women. And that's why we had you on as a guest woman. It's all settled. This episode goes out on International Women's Day, which I think is going gonna be very important. Wait, what day is it? I don't even know what day that is. Seventh or something.

Yeah, it's like October, I don't know, 33rd. Anyway, April, thank you for joining us. Thank you for being Rachel at the beginning. Thank you for being April by the end. Anytime, anytime. Rachel is the one that you can take out to the ocean. I was going to say, I think your legacy on this episode will be your tough but fair stance on space and the ocean.

That's right. Fuck them both. That's my stance. Fuck them both. Wow. Nobody should know. Well, thank you. Thank you, April.

A pleasure. Thanks, you guys. Of course. And come back to America as soon as you can. Things are really shaping up. Yes, it's great. It's tempting. It's tempting.

Hurry up. Yeah. Hurry up. Thank you, April. Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the Dollop. You love listening to the Dollop. Do you want to watch the Dollop?

You're like, yeah, I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the Dollop. I want to watch the dollop, you love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube.

You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. The more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.