The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 130 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

Episode Date: June 28, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Ryan Dalton SOURCES OFFICIAL MERCH

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week. The great Luke Simmons. Hi. Hi, Luke. Hello.

We're in a van. We are in a van. We are in the van, some would call it. We're in a park, sort of. We're at Inspiration Point in San Francisco. Yeah, right. So, you're pissed. You doxx us.

You're pissed about it? Yeah, don't doxx us. I'm not doxxing you. Now everyone's, oh my God, look at all the people. Oh God. Showing up. Luke, you've been a train wreck today so far. You put oats in the toilet and missed it a lot.

You dropped something out of the van a minute ago and you made a crazy sound. I just said no. Yeah, yep, that'll do. It was okay though, it was just an enamel cup. What would you say has been your biggest stumble on this tour? Because there's been a lot.

And then we can give you ours. That's a great question. It shouldn't take that long. Pretty smooth sailing, honestly. Okay. Okay, well. Dave, go ahead. What was the eggs? Dave's was the eggs.

Are you, what was that, what happened? He came into a hotel room What was the eggs? Dave's was the eggs. Are you... No, what was that? What happened? Oh, sure, sure. He came into a hotel room and he had the cart to bring all the bags and stuff out. And in his other hand, he had stopped by the breakfast bar and gotten a bowl of scrambled eggs. Huge bowl. And he went to put it on the table, but he missed the table by like six inches. And then the eggs, what happened?

On the ground. My favorite was when we were having some technical difficulties on stage during a live show at the beginning in maybe Portland, might have been Seattle, I can't remember. But either way, he was there and he came on stage and he just swapped out the HDMI three times and nothing was working. We were kind of like, what's happening with the HDMI? And then someone else completely fixed it. But while that was all going on as he was walking off stage, he tripped over the wire, connected to the computer, and the computer got tugged off of the table. Not off.

Yes, off. To the edge. No, off, off. No, off. I caught it. Yeah, we caught it. So it stayed on because you grabbed it. It was off the table. It was off the table. Teamwork making the dream. Off the table. And then he came out and did champion hands like he had done something. I did. I kept people thinking that work was getting done on the wire situation with my busyness I like to feel like people like to feel like there's action being taken even if I don't think you know what people feel that's why you have cones out on the roads that are never getting fixed because it feels like he's doing the

thing again yeah filling the world with words that are just as you take up time so you're tired you can't make an omelet without spilling a few eggs. Luke is the human equivalent. You can't eat an omelet. The manifestation of the rope-a-dope is just going to make you feel tired and want to stop. This week's paper is the Alden Eagle from Alden, Minnesota. Now you guys are going to guess the year. Whoa, look at you taking the reins.

Luke, go ahead. No, I don't know who you're going to... I don't know know who you're gonna, who would you rather get this right or wrong? Luke or I? It's tough. Yeah. 1919. He's wrong. 1902. It's 1880! Gareth you won! I can't, what just got said? Look at you! Hey! I'm so proud of you! What? Big day. He hates you. January 23rd, 1880.

Alright. Now look, you realize the guest on this show doesn't say anything. I don't know where Alvin... Okay, just listen to you guys. You listen to me and you can compliment me. It's like being at a live podcast. Right. Not at all. Just like a two one man podcast like a private screening. Right. All right Dave. All

right so this is a reprinted from the Hastings Gazette. I had a feeling. When a newspaper man hears the remark that his paper doesn't amount to much after he has worked nine days in the week and racked his imagination all to slivers to produce a good paper, he feels like turning the business over to his mother-in-law and after due meditation resolves to drown himself in a cup of benzene. Oh my god. What is this? Is this the first of benzene. Oh my god. What is this?

Is this the first article? Yes. I was curious. I like that before they had Facebook, people had to angrily post in the newspaper they read, nobody appreciates the newspaper guy, so I guess he'll just kill himself and give his mother-in-law the money. The targeted to the mother-in-law is great. She probably read that paper and was like, Frank is gone.

He's absolutely nuts. Deb Deb you have to leave him and buy the buy so okay seems aggressive yeah it's very aggressive yeah next next article there's no follow-up no there's what would the follow-up be yeah he just he just mad yeah I put like did they not respond to a particular article who the the readership? No, he heard someone. Oh, no the readership the guy the newspaper man overheard someone talking So I want to hear a little bit more about that the who what when where? We've got the what it is a great reporting made also like there's a lot of details Can I point out that Luke doesn't know how newspapers work?

You don't get to then request more. The follow up. It's in print. It's already happened. I know, but I'm saying. You want a documentary. I see why this newspaper is not doing well. How do we know it's not doing well?

Because the guy's losing his mind because people don't like it. But he's talking about the Hastings Gazette. The Alden Eagle did not make this comment. He reprinted it from the Hastings Gazette. Now he agrees with it. Yeah. He thinks that you should... I agree with it. Yeah, shut the fuck up.

Enough! Yeah. Leave me alone. Let me do my shit. Yeah, I don't need your replies. Look, I'm partying. Let me alone. Let me do my shit. Yeah, I don't need your replies. Look, I'm partying. Let me cook. A carriage containing Mary Anderson was run away at Wheeling, Virginia. The choice girl...

Wheeling? A carriage ran away at Wheeling? Wheeling, Virginia. I mean, you don't enter Wheeling if you don't want to... If you want control of your wheels, get out of wheeling. I like how you're stuck on wheeling and the choice girl you just... Should you be calling girls choice? Yes. Yes.

So the one advantage to that time was that you could be like, she's choice. She's really choice. She's choice. I'd like to hit her with my carriage if you know what I mean. I don't actually. That sounds weird. Wait, what? Sir, two men are having a conversation.

What are you doing? What does that mean, sir? Have you seen the film Death Proof? He did a Death Proof joke yesterday. I watched Death Proof recently. He's trying to work these Death Proof jokes in. It's not going to hit. What are you going for?

That's what I forgot about Death Proof. Have you seen it? Well, that's Luke's angle. Have you seen it in the last week? No. Cause if you had it would be on your mind. Luke watched Death Proof and now he's like, I got more jokes about Death Proof. You mean that movie The Bomb that nobody really saw? That's the one. I'm doing Death Proof. If you did see it, these jokes would slap. Like a lady under a carriage if you know what I'm saying. I don't. What? This guy. Why does he keep coming over? The choice girl was thrown out

and only for the... The guy sees that he's like, choice again. Look how choice she is on the ground. Nice. The choice... The... Oh boy. The paper went...

No. We lost the paper. What? Well, it turns out we need a good interaction here. Oh, it's a good thing we came to this high altitude where there isn't one. Should we move it? Yeah. Go down, lower altitude.

I think we want to go that way. All right. Let's go back. Yeah, let's just table that shit. But we can just do it while we're... We can actually do it right now if we want. Why don't we drive to better Wi-Fi? Yeah.

The choice girl was... Now we're driving. This is the first time we've done this. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We're driving. We can actually do it right now if we want. Why don't we drive to better wifi? Yeah.

The Choice Girl was thrown out. Now we're driving. This is the first time we've done this show driving. Yeah. Go left? Uh, yeah. I can't. You could say we're the Wheeling Podcast.

Whoa. Why would we say that? Choice. Because we're wheeling around. I wouldn't call that jogging. It's a wheel. The Choice Girl was thrown out and only... Put your seatbelt on! This is crazy. This is not okay. And the choice girl was

thrown out and only for the fact that the driver caught her in his arms she would have been thrown down a precipice and smashed as flat as a piece of blotting paper. There's a lot going on. I never realized precipice was like, uh, what, an edge? It's just like a slot. No, a precipice is something, yeah, like a cliff, like a type of thing you fall off of. I've never heard of it like that. I've always of a precipice I mean I get makes sense okay any fan then what did she fall down like internet's better guys just parking here what did she fall down like a piece of blotting paper well no she would have but the driver caught her in his arms I

feel like it was set up I feel like this guy set it up so that he could seem like a hero it sounds sort of romantic it's like a street cute in rom-com terms. So here's what just happened and I'm gonna tell you why it happened I'm gonna tell you why I'm okay with it. It's a good pun and he just took time to let it kind of cook and I liked it. Dave thoughts on the street cute? I'm fine with saying because he... Later that night it was probably a skeet cute. He used some fun language. Hey baby I'd like to throw myself down your precipice. Okay. Pushed it. I mean that's a good choice. You're gonna have to edit that out. Yeah most of this will be edited out.

We had we rather we had rather drive team at Wheeling Virginia. Who's talking? We had rather drive team at... so that doesn't make sense. We had rather drive team at Wheeling Virginia than to dwell in the tent of the wicked. Okay, this is the same article. This is the same article. This is the... we just left the part where he says the girl was saved and then he went... Tent of the wicked opened for Lamb of God when I saw him. They're great. Great goodness! Why does all this fool luck happen to obscure- Who's this guy? A prospector just took over the paper?

I don't know what's going on. Oh boy. It feels like the- there's now a quote from the lady who hit her head a bit before she got pulled back. She didn't hit her head. Well they said he grabbed her, but they didn't say whether or not she was buffeted about the wheels. I think she hit her head after he caught her. I think that would come up. Can we just say now we're looking at a golf course and there's a guy in the Scottish Highlands over here?

It's beautiful what's happened here. This has worked out great. Here, we can do this. Look at this. The world's most interactive podcast. What is happening? What are you doing? Luke, audio is pretty important. Jeez, go away. That didn't work. Yeah, Luke go. Why would you think that it would work?

Oh my god. I encourage everyone to go to Patreon for the nightmare. Have you ever met you? What does that, Luke go back to the, back, boy. Have you ever met you when you tried to do something midstream that works? I have tried it in the past and it's happened. Without tape, Luke would be lost. The amount of tape he uses in his life. I'm doing a video now on my angle so they can

see the golf course. Let's record the podcast, Luke. Let's record the podcast part. They're getting a big treat. They get to see how the sausage is made. The sausage boys. I'm not sure this was a good idea. I know it wasn't. Great goodness, why does all this fool luck happen to obscure individuals who probably don't know enough to enjoy it? So they're saying that what happened to this young lady was enjoyable because she got caught.

Right. But it doesn't, it seemed like it would still be bad. Well, she's complaining when she should just be happy that a handsome man came. She's not even saying that. But the carriage ran away and then it crashed and she got saved. Yeah. It's not a good experience. It's not a good experience, but it's better than her crashing. But the men don't see it like that. You sound like the kind of individuals who don't appreciate this great good luck. That's fair. Applicable to any community, like that. You sound like the kind of Not signed by our old friend Nemo. What's going on? So is this just like a bulletin board in a cafe in like a cafe where people are just talking shit? I don't really know fuck you Nemo my mother-in-law's are real see you next Thursday

I saw a carriage crash, but the lady got caught go back. I'm fixing it. What are you doing now? Just tilting it down. Okay, get a little more to the body. Adi Adi's for the fans. Well, it is good enough to be read here and everywhere. Quote, there are three or four things, says the correspondent, which to a stranger are special indications of intelligence and culture in the citizens of any village. Good fences and attractive front yards. So if you see good fences and attractive front yards, you know that that front yard is choice. It's a smart culture and community. Excuse me, sir, what are you doing? Oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm soul burning. Oh yeah, sir! And that, ironically for where we are, is how golf started. So, the good fences and attractive front yards show culture and home comforts within, good

sidewalks, good school buildings, good hotel accommodations, comfortable, cozy churches, and a well-cared forest cemetery indicate general public intelligence and refined tastes." Well, don't go around the America of today. You will not be happy that every 76 has an Arby's now. Well, that it's such a simple time to be like, that's what matters. A nice yard, good streets, good school. It's like, yeah, no shit. They're saying you take care of your community. Yeah, like you plan well. Which you should. Yeah, no shit. They're saying you take care of your community. Yeah.

Okay, like you plan well. Which you should. But America, like when was the last time anyone was like, I mean, that just is so far from, as we drive through America quite often. It's great. It's not in a good spot. If that's your metric. I am glad you are disposed to agitate the subject of better church accommodations in

our thriving little city. A fenceless, dilapidated church, weather beaten and black, weather, not if, but whether isn't, the weather is done, it's, you know. What would you say is the point of this paper? So we're getting to it. Weather beaten and black with the windows out and the cold in, carpeted only with a nut brown three ply carpet of tobacco juice. Hey, you promised me some clarity soon.

And then what are you doing? Well, we're shitting on the church right now. Okay. Indicate a state of barbarism in the... I mean, you shouldn't have tobacco juice all over your church floor. I completely disagree. One of the best parts about going to church is how you can just do, you can just spit, spit, shit, punch, whack, barf, crap, hit, drink, do bumps.

Sometimes for communion you go up and the priest will just put a little dip under your tongue. Yeah, so you guys aren't thinking of... You know one time the priest tried to put the wafer in my mouth and I just started sucking his fingers. That's how he became an altar boy. I looked into his eyes and I said, oh sorry, I guess I misunderstood. And I waked up and I sashayed away and then I went into the confessional room but I did this sort of the like beckon finger. Come hither. I went

come hither. You guys are thinking of a... Church! No you're thinking of a biker clubhouse. No it's church! Okay. Where a guy named Scar runs the place? Yeah that's a biker clubhouse. Oh okay sorry. It's father scar. Oh. Indicate a state of barbarism in the community far worse than that found in the once cannibal islands. The custom of bringing dogs to church which have no souls to save to the noise. Excuse me. I think you should be able to dogs to church. 100%. You should absolutely bring them over. Who's that? And by the way, have you ever met a sinner dog? Some of those dogs sin. Yeah, some dogs are really bad boys. Also, it feels like a chicken and the egg where if you're not bringing the dogs to church, how are they supposed to be saved?

He's saying dogs can't be saved. They have no souls. I got a pitch. I disagree with that. Dog church. Yeah. We should come up with dog church. People would flock to dog church.

Yeah. There was a church you could bring your dogs. Yeah, where you're just like, yeah, we're going to absolve your dogs of sin. I really think there are parts of California where that would work. Hamster church. One that I don't, let's sidebar because dog church feels like it has reach and then what you're doing, in success maybe.

Skunk church. They're going to get real upset when they find out who the priest is molesting at dog church. Diddlin' doodles. We were talking about that earlier, right Dave? I don't know if we were. So, Luke, this show shouldn't just be called a dog church. Diddle and doodles. We were talking about that earlier, right Dave? I don't know if we were.

So Luke, this show shouldn't just be callbacks of times off the pod. Okay. Let's try to make it self-contained. Sorry. Yeah, it shouldn't be stuff that Luke was just saying in the back of the van. Luke's doing callbacks to stuff that bombed on his own. He's like, remember that? Nobody can guess what I met when I said Dave

Diddle's Doodles. Which have no souls to save to the annoyance of good people who have souls, might possibly be tolerated among heathen during their civilizing process, but no longer. Popping paper balls, silly giggling, and poppin Poppin J behavior in God's house. Poppin J? In God's house. Isn't that a break dancer? Bespeaks a want of civilization in which Christian heathen would never be guilty of. What is, I really, the point of that is make church nice. I think, yeah, like, let's not.

Clean it up. Let's not have a shitty church, I think is what he's saying. Yeah, because it's dirty and it doesn't have a fence. But the dog's thing is huge. Dog church is huge. Dog church is huge. Dog church could be really big for this show. Because sometimes they do outside churches, but inside church with dogs.

Yeah, a dog church. Yeah. It'd be fucking, I would go to dog church. I would go to dog church too. Yeah. The entire choir is just dogs howling along to the organ. Well now that's... Maybe.

I guess. That seems a little annoying. It's going to be... That does take it in a new direction. Yeah. I was thinking it would be like a regular church and like a preacher. And there's dogs just sitting there. Yeah, and the preachers.

You can pet your dog. Yeah, right. You're going to start like an ecclesiastical war calling one church regular. There's a lot of singing churches who people think are just regular. I feel like you're trying to walk away from your dogs are in the choir. I love dogs in the choir. I remember you said it. All dog singing choir.

I think he's trying to back it, but using a crazy justification. That's probably, that's a Luke angle. You're gonna start the dog troubles, throwing trash accusations that singing dog churches are not regular. That guy shanked that so fucking bad. I didn't think you'd be able to give, I didn't think you'd be able to give the listeners the true Luke experience. Well, I'm confused and tired, tired, but you're still going.

But I think you've done a pretty good job so far. Yeah. Where I'm like a little lost, I don't know what to do, but you still seem more confident than ever in everything. Yeah. If people don't understand, this is what it's like driving in the van with Luke. He just goes on tangents and you're like, yeah I'm not gonna respond Just and not responding to him is like they want me to go further with my song the green light. Yeah

Uh, a michigan man has actually invented a flying machine now. We're fucking talking. We're back Holy shit, that was close this episode. I was checking the ratings over bad, but now We're back. Holy shit that was close. This episode I was checking the ratings over bad but now we're back. Are we? Yeah, flying machine. And the only defect that can be discovered in its working is that a person cannot fly with it. Well that's a bummer. So you made a bird? He made a paper airplane. He made a bird that okay. It's a drone. Yeah he he made a drone, so. The defect in his believe can be remedied. Well, smaller people.

Smaller people. I'm recreating a gun to shrink the passengers. We think once we find a baby willing to serve as pilot, we should be careful. I've made a flying machine for squirrels. That'd be perfect. Unfortunately, local mothers refuse to aid the course of science.

Yeah, we were watching you gotta look for a golf ball. Your golf ball's way over there. It's way over that way. Oh, he's just gonna, he's gonna cheat, right? He's cheating. He's about to drop one out of his pocket. Son of a bitch. We'll watch this guy cheat.

Good, goodness! That was dense fog yesterday morning. You couldn't recognize a person six feet off. A man might be walking along the street and come right up face to face with a man he owes. We prefer any kind of weather to fog. What is this in reference to? The flying machine? The guy almost hit the van. This is the flying machine still? This is the next story. Oh, okay. machine? The guy almost hit the van. This is the flying machine stuff? This is the next story.

Oh, okay. Yeah. The next story after the flying machine story. Oh, okay. To be continued, I believe it's called. Or no. Well, Luke would like to know everything about where this story goes, please. Oh, so he just took it out of the rough.

Yeah, he didn't cheat. He didn't cheat or he did? He did. Oh, he just put it, but that guy's really bad at golf. I mean, I should remind you guys that we are doing a podcast. So, as far as what people's expectations are of the show, it's probably to do the thing. So, he's gonna try and hit it out of the sand. Yeah, but they can't see him.

But nobody can see him or him. They're both in sand. I mean, I'm looking at him and I don't give a shit. Now, this guy's come over the van because he almost hit the van with his golf ball. I, again, couldn't care less. A man who had $65 stolen from him received a note with $25 saying I stole your money. I like that. Yeah. So they just gave him $40 less? Well remorse gnaws at my cautions. I feel bad so I'll take the 40. And I can't find his ball we could help

him out I could help him out. No I think we just... Maybe do the podcast. And I sent some of it back when it knows again I'll send you some more. So he's paying a gnawing fee he's got a gnaw tax. So that guy just left with that his ball so I can go steal his ball when they leave. Yeah. Yeah, so... So there's just a tag... But why keep the money if you're gonna... That's how loans should work. When it bothers you, you just drop a little money their way.

Yeah, you just throw a little money back at the place that lent you the money. It feels weird that I took all this money and not paying or anything. Robbing and then starting to give it back by feeling bad. I don't feel right about this. Doing without his beer. Now we're talking. Thousands of workmen toil to keep some brewer rich or clothe the wives of rum sellers in silk white while their own wives dress in cheap calico.

So they're saying that... Sounds like a Karl Marx brewery kind of vibes. But wait, wait. It's because they're making money off of their alcohol and they're dressing nice and then their wives are dressing like, you know, they're not getting a slice of that. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Okay. To such we commend this anecdote. Anecdote.

Oh, I was hoping it would be antidote. Well, that'd be so much better. We've come up with a potion to make you see women as equals. It's the only way. In England, there was a man named William Bailey, who once had been a... Is William... By the way, every man in England at this time was named William Bailey. Yeah. Not a...is William... By the way every man in England at

this time was named William Bailey. Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. That's right. Who had once been a farm laborer and who now owns an establishment whose business amounts to thousands and thousands of dollars. They make a cream liqueur. What just happened? I don't know. Bailey's Irish cream? Ah! Boom! Suck it Dave. Well that was because we had moved on but now I get it. Well, we were still talking about all the Bailey's. Yeah. Some years ago this man, so it's a rich guys. It'd be great if every guest got the business that Luke gets. They'd be like I don't want to do this show anymore. Hey I don't like your joke just there.

I didn't care for that one. Defend your joke. Defend your joke. So he used to be working class in Ice Ridge. Some years ago, this man happened to cross a wheat field and saw some laborers at work mowing. He was dressed in a fine suit of black, but walked over among the laborers and asked one of them if he might be allowed to mow.

And this is a story of him being good? Well, the man said yes, and Bailey took a scythe and began to work. He had... He cut off the laborer's leg by... Right, he keeps slashing the man. Just keeps... Oops. Oh boy.

Those men are dead. He comes back, he's... I tried to work a day as a man. Just keeps... oops. Oh boy. Those men are dead. He comes back. He's... I tried to work a day as a man. We need new gardeners. As it happens, I found some new clients for my prosthetic limb business, which is booming. He had not been long engaged when one of the laborers said, in some surprise, noting his attire and deeming him a wealthy gentleman. Why you haven't known him before? Yes, I have, Bailey responded. And I used at one time... This is pathetic. And this is like when I see valets, this is what I'm like, because

I used to valet and I loved it. So when I see valets, I'm like, you guys do a lot of what is Friday's Wild? And I'm like, what? What I'm like and the Friday's here. What do you got a lot of you guys Street Park? And they're like we park it all over there. I'm like I could get Harry. You know, I remember first time I drove a Prius. I Think the damn thing was starting and they're like All right, dude It boys keep your nose clean. Hey, I know I didn't Alright fellas Why you boys keep your nose clean? I know I didn't Yes, I have and I used to at one time drink beer regularly when I did fuck you

So he used to get ship faced while he did this right fine. You can do this work drunk It's called mowing and plowing But while I was mowing one day and drinking my beer, the idea suddenly came to me that I could mow just as well without beer. This is such an 1890s revelation. I realized alcohol didn't need to be involved in everything. I don't have to be drunk to work, I said to myself. Getting hammered to mow.

On the next installment of ye undercover boss. It says undercover boss. Oh I couldn't work without beer, interrupted one of the labors. I could never get on. It's amazing, he might work, you're fired! Well, welcome to you Bailey. After I began to mow without beer, I soon discovered that I could get on without mowing altogether.

I love that he's quitting mowing. We should like that very well said the laborers. Oh no, returned Bailey, you cannot do without your beer and you will go on mowing all your lives without doing anything better. What the fuck? I really don't know. Get the shit out of this guy in the field. I don't understand the rest.

His point after all of that was like. You are trash man. I'm the better sort. You guys are fucked. Good day, garbage. They've all got scythes, like cut him, cut his ass. Oh, that'd be great. That was like that woman at the show the other night

who showed us that pamphlet, and it was to make a guillotine, and it was just like how to make a lemonade stand. Oh yeah, and it's all pictures of a guillotine. It's like a lemon, it's supposed to quote-unquote lemon cutter. You gotta post that the criminal calendar This is good. I like the criminal calendar as happy looters day as E.B. Wells paymaster of Southside Gaslight and Coke Company was riding along Deering Street, Chicago on the 16th in a buggy

Three masked men assaulted him, knocking him senseless with a slung shot. Slung shot? It's gotta be sling shot. Yeah, but it's past tense. Past tense. Secured 4,000 in gold and silver and escaped in a buggy taken from in front

of a grocery store in which its owner was trading. So they did a robbery and a carjacking. Yeah, a wagonjacking. That's good. It's a twofer. Yeah. I'm on their side? It's, there's not enough context,

but I do like that your gut is to always go with the criminals. Yeah. Well, they've got, he's got enough money. He can, he's got enough money. He's also the paymaster. It's not his cash. Ooh, the paymaster.

No. Postmaster General Key has decided that Queen Bee shall not be kept from the mails. Now, a lot of these stories... Do you have an idea of what he just said? Some guy got robbed twice. No, no, no. The queen. The last, yeah, okay. But then he jumped over to the post master.

Now it's the post master. Who's now in charge of the bees? The queen bee. No, he's saying what can be mailed. And in this case, he's saying, yes, we will allow you to send in the mail a queen bee. Shut up. Yeah. That is not true.

That's exactly what it is. That can't be true. Why would it be true. Why would it be true? What the fuck? Fire this man. You know that's how you get chickens in America, right? After much deliberation, I've decided you can male bees.

But not male bees. Only the lady bees. Only female bees. One female bee. One female bee. At a time. By the way, the colony is like, what the fuck? I think that's why they were worried about mail him, because that could get pretty crazy.

That would be fucking hysterical. Because it's not like anything. Hey boss, I got a whole bunch of bees that seem real interested in this one envelope. It would be like when you turn your car on and you realize the mob has put a bomb in your engine. You open the letter and a queen bee comes out. You're like, oh no. But this is before there's cars or anything. So nothing's really moving that fast. So bees could follow you.

What are you? Are you? This is not what the story is. No, but I think that's probably their concern. You should be able to mail bees because it's mailing a bee. You can. One time I. No, it's a queen bee. Whatever. And whatever it would be followed by the the high you can't be mailing bees why not

cuz horrid I bet you looking up right now but you can mail a queen bee I bet that never changed if you can mail a queen bee I'm gonna eat Luke's ass because you can still melt chickens fingers crossed you have you getting chickens in the mail you brought this up now a couple times considered it, but I can't have chickens where I live. Well, just send it back to somebody else. What does that mean? To slap return on sender once you get there. You can mail a queen bee.

I told you. But it's like not in an envelope. What? I didn't say it was in an envelope. Well, I guess I was picturing an envelope. Well, what the fuck is wrong with you? I thought it was easier. When I said you can mail a chicken

Do you think they put that in an envelope also? For a minute. Why do you think everything in the mail goes in an envelope? Don't you do? You do don't you Luke rough him up one time my dad was god damn it Not the one time my dad was driving back from a Grateful Dead concert in the 70s And he said they pulled up to a toll booth and the man at the booth looked around the car at them and they were all pretty clearly hippies. And he just goes, hey, you boys want a chicken? And whoever was driving just was like, okay.

Because he was kind of freaked out by the question. Dave's face right there. And the toll booth operator just handed them out a live chicken that I guess had fallen off a truck and he didn't know what to do with it. And he's like, I'll let these hippies take the chicken. And they took it home and it lived on their speaker system for about a week. And then she said one day it just left. So this is a very...

Honestly, that feels like an article from the paper. Man, I am built to be a newsman from the 1800s. Go ahead, Dave. I've got lots of anecdotes. Luke. I don't really know how to be a newsman from the 1800s. Go ahead, Dave. I've got lots of anecdotes. Luke. I don't really know how to wrap them up. Yeah, no, that's one thing I know about. My syntax is very confusing at times.

Yeah, absolutely. At least you know that your stories a lot of times end with you like, hey, I gotta yell. I've seen some choice ladies and I've tried to stop them from getting hit by carriages. Go ahead. Not always successfully. Go ahead ahead Dave. That was a classic Luke story. Yeah. The chicken one is just a classic Luke story. And you've heard it twice before. It was Luke's dad's story but. No no no that's yours. I've taken it. One of Worthington's school teachers recently took six revolvers from the little boys in his department. We've got to arm the teachers. America.

Got to arm the teachers. We used to be a proper country. Kids should come to school strapped up. Six revolvers. Yeah, well they all had one at least. You got it. That's one of the worst shots I've ever seen. That guy shanked it sideways.

I think someone just went. Yeah, I thought they were going golf. And he's golfing alone because no one wants to golf with him. I golf alone An owl was shot west of Glencoe the other day which measured four feet eight inches from tip to tip of its wings Jesus Christ. Why'd you shoot it? It was hooting at me. Why would you shoot it now? That is really offensive. Yeah, why would you shoot the owls? They used to shoot everything. I know. That's why we have to have laws against it. And that's why we're going back. It's time to shoot owls again. I'm gonna arm the owls with six revolvers. I agree. Dave? No. Wow. Enemy of owls, Dave Anthony. We don't need... The last thing we need to introduce to America is armed birds. You don't think the drones are gonna have guns? Completely disagree.

Completely disagree. You're off on this one. The French have taught Eagles to go after drones, the French police, because people were legally using drones in Paris, so they taught a bunch of eagles to attack the drones. That's what we should be doing. So do we think that's true? I think he believes it. I think he believes it. Does that count? On Monday last, John Dench of Rich Prairie, an old man over 70 years of age, killed a wild cat near his stable and then started to his son's house about 40 rods to tell him about it.

So what's 40 rods? We got to look it up. I bet you that. What do you think 40 rods is? 40 yards. No, I think you're right. It's like a tenth of a mile or something. It's going to be one of those things. We gotta look it up. I bet you that. What do you think 40 rods is? Do you think it's like... 40 yards.

No, it's like a tenth of a mile or something. It's gonna be one of those like racing, like a furlong. A furlong? I don't know. Rods as a distance measurement, a rod-perture pull, it's British, of course. Excuse me? Disrespect. It is defined as 16 and a half feet.

Okay. So, so he walked. So I think I'm right. What'd you say? I said it was a yard. No it's 16 and a half feet. Five and a half yards. Quick math.

It's five and a half yards. Yeah. a half yards. Quick math. It's five and a half yards, yeah. Yeah. So it's not, so you're wrong. I know, but I think it's important that we learned a lot about ourselves on the way to that. So it's like 200-ish yards. He shot a cat and walked to his kid's house. So he's walking to-

Two football fields away. He's walking two football fields away. So it's- There was not much news. But that, but- Excuse me, this man murdered a cat and Brad. He didn't murder it, he was trying to kill his horses I assume. What are you talking about? It was near his stable. They tried to kill his horses. Cat and equine can live in harmony. We're not talking about... Feline and equine can live in

harmony. We're not talking about a domestic cat, we're talking about like a wild cat or something, like a... Bobcat? I'm gonna mail you five B's. But it's a cougar, a fucking bobcat or something like a it's a bobcat. I'm going to mail you five B's. But it's but it's a cougar, a fucking bobcat or something. It's not like you're thinking of again, you think like. Jose, we're not talking about Jose, we're talking about murder cat. Either you're with us or you're against us. Send an armed owl after you. He only went about half the distance, so about a football field,

when he gave out and for some unknown cause was found several hours afterwards dead and frozen. Boom! Yeah, don't fuck with cats, bro. That had nothing to do with killing the cat. You kill a cat, you die. A life for nine lives. You don't die though. You kill a cat you die. That's not how you can an eye for an eye one life for nine lives. A die for a die. You guys are not you guys shouldn't be speaking. Team cats. Well the noise I'm not okay with. Emmanuel staff of Castle Rock Dakota County was induced the other day by a couple of And having a baby! of smooth-tongued seductive chaps who pretended to be agents for light draft plows. Hi, we're all from light draft plows.

What is light draft plow? How are you doing, sir? Light draft plow has to be like a light plow for the field? Yeah, yeah. To sign notes to the amount of $150. So they... Convinced him to give him money. Give him money with checks.

For fake plows. He will probably be soon called upon to pay the notes in the hands of an innocent holder and will find that he has been swindled to that amount. How is the paper so far ahead of this con than this guy? This guy was reading this article like, wait, what? The reveal? I just read it.

Those smooth-tongued chaps were none other than I, your faithful reporter. But how do they know? I don't know. Luke's kind of got the only answer. Why do I report about it before it's done? It makes me hard. Wait. I get off on the only answer. Why do I report about it before it's done? It makes me hard. Wait. I get off on the trickery. We gotta pull the plug on this reporter.

This reporter's become a real liability for the paper. Sir. Feel my smooth chaps. Sir, sir. Stop with your reporting. They're assless. Oh my god. What is he talking about? My chaps. I know. We know what you're talking about. We understand. We also don't want to know what you're assless. Oh my god, what is he talking about? My chaps. I know. We know what you're talking about. We understand. We also don't want to know what you're talking about. We hear the words. We just don't know.

The breathe blows through. The breathe blows through? I tried to say breathe, but my tongue didn't work. It's too slippery and smooth. He will probably be soon called the Montupé of the Nodes in the hands of an innocent holder and will find that he has been swindled to that amount. Intelligent farmers who take and read the papers ought to escape all such swindlers." This is a paper ad.

Yeah, it's an ad. They're saying buy the paper and you'll know about the swindlers that are out there. All right. How much you want? I don't...nothing. I'm not... I'll take one year subscription, boy. This just in.

Newspaper readers swindled out of a year's subscription by a smooth tongue advertisements from a man in assless chaps. Stop with the chaps. No, what are we doing? Sitting comfortably on the chair of his desk avoiding splinters because it is sanded smooth. I'm real locked in on my chaps. I don't think you're locked in. I think instead of like, you know, there's the angel and the devil on the shoulders. There's just two Luke's on his shoulder like go. Yeah. Further. Let them cook. Push. Push more. Let them cook has never been set around you Luke. No. Good Lord, no. Except for like with the toilet covered in oats. Student Devil Tree. Nice. Some medical students planned in Baltimore one day last week a daring freak. Uh-huh. Did he? Huh? Yeah, that is a...

what did he call him? Freak-off. Freak-offs. Yeah. Okay. Which miscarried only by a mere chance. They went up to the top of the Washington Monument about five o'clock in the evening. Jesus Christ. I like where this is going. When it was fast growing dark. One of them wearing an extra coat. Okay. Another an extra pair of pantaloons. Uh oh. Are they going to dress the monument? And another carrying old boots. Uh oh, they're making a fake. They're going to good sun it. They're making a fail. They're making a fake man.

And other material concealed with which to manufacture the effigy of a man. Oh no. They quickly did. So they call it a manumant? Come on, pick yourself up. Got him. Haha Pick yourself up got him They quickly did their work almost too quickly for their design had been observed by several people on the street below Whose presence on the corner attracted the attention of the keeper so people knew people saw them making a man Did the people say the making man or did the people?

For their design a bit observed by several people okay, so they saw him making it say the making man or did the people, for their design, a bit observed by several people? Okay, so they saw him making it. They saw him making the man. This is the Washington Monument. Yeah. You can't see up there what's going on. Oh, actually. I don't think it's as tall as you think it is. Yeah, you've always thought it was taller than it is.

You've always had this real blind spot for the Washington Monument. It goes to the clouds. It's not the Empire State Building, Dave. Sometimes when the moon comes over, you can step off the monument and onto the moon. Well, that's a lot more troubling real quick. But see, then it'd be lit up real well from that moonlight.

So why are you bringing Dave in today? He thinks you can step off the monument and onto the moon. But only when it's not full. If it's full, you'll slide right off. That's right, you gotta get on the little step part. Mm-hmm. Apprehending that a tragedy was impending, he rushed to the top of the shaft where he was.

I've rushed to the top of the shaft before. One time I put a man on top of my shaft and made him rush towards it. Effigy! Where he was at first start. Effigy! Hey! Ah! Ah! Put your hand up. Dave, climb on that moon. Ah!

Okay, so this is the keeper of the monument running up there. Show me the keeper of the monument of today. Where he was first startled by seeing a pair of boots hanging over the parapet. Oh no! We got a man on the monument! And nearby a slow match burning. There's a guy! So they set it up so it would keep going. They're about to light him on fire? The effigy? It's an effigy. You burn it. So...

Excuse me. Sometimes effigies don't burn. Sometimes it's just nice to put one at the dinner table. Sometimes you hang them. Yeah, I've done a lot of stuff with effigies don't burn. Sometimes it's just nice to put one at the dinner table and pretend like there's someone else there with you. Sometimes you hang them. Yeah, I've done a lot of stuff with effigies. Sometimes if they're high enough quality silicone, you create a real relationship with it. Luke, are you banging your effigy?

I don't know if I agree with that. Luke, you're banging your effigy? It's my effigy eff. On closer examination, however, he discovered the trick, which had been artfully planned. The effigy had a rope about its neck, an end of which was tied to the lightning rod. Uh-oh, they were trying to bring it to life. They're trying to bring it back to the future. I'm trying to think of Frankenstein's situation.

It's alive! Another cord was around the waist of the figure, and to this the slow match had been attached which When it had burned the cord by the time it had grown quite dark would have caused the figure to slip over the parapet and Left it for Sunday morning hanging a terrifying spectacle Good folks Wow the way to church pretty good planning Yeah, that's not bad And I do like this prank that they're like we're gonna goof and make them think a guy's dead up there. Yeah, a

guy hung himself. Real Rue Goldberg of a hate crime. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good for them. It's pretty smart. That's OK GO's new music video. Jesus Christ. That was a blast from the past. For the two people who got it, they were like, that's pretty good. That was the end of the story? Yeah. OK. How do you feel about it? I mean, I just wish the keeper had followed up.

Let us know, did he catch the kids? Luke, here's the thing with news. Sometimes you're just going to get the first part, and they'll do follow-ups later. I think you want books. It is later. It's a lot later. No, no, no, this is a paper from the,

have we explained what this podcast is to you? How late much we wait. It's hundreds of years later and he's not followed up? This is a paper from one day. Like you know how if you picked up the paper today, it would just tell you like the most relevant news? It wouldn't wrap up those stories for you. They're not gonna wait to wrap the stories up.

And that's why I don't pick up the paper. Luke is requesting more reply guys. Well... 18th century reply guys. Nope. Let the effigy swing! Nope. We're done. That's the end of you, Luke. That was a good shot.

Nobody cares. That was a good shot. Nobody cares. That was a good shot. I thought a lot about the little town that I live in now has like a free newspaper they put out quarterly. That's just, it's just advertising for local realtors. But I want to get a bunch of printings made of my own rival local newspaper and just do stories like this. Do you want to counter what they write in their free paper? Are you just going to do a different paper?

Like, are you going to have replies to their stories? I might, I might sort of take some aim, do some corrections at like the, like new ice cream place opens. It's like, well, we'll see about that. It's a little take down to that story. Luke. Luke? What? Look, do you know words are coming out?

I do. How are you feeling about that? If you were a kitchen, the dishes would be inedible. And ineligible. Ineligible. Okay. Life- My God. Ineligible. Um. Oh my god. Life saving rules. Some healthy maxims to be pasted in the hat for use of emergencies.

Oh that's fun. You do write a little note to yourself inside your hat. Don't you love to read the maxims which some wise men writes for the newspapers? Useful rules which are intended to save human life and alleviate human suffering. love to read the maxims which some wise men writes for the newspapers useful rules which are intended to save human life and alleviate human suffering how funny would it be if like in two days we see that Luke has pasted pictures from like Maxim in his hat I wouldn't at all like what surprised just like yeah this girl's pouring beer on her jugs it's an X body spray head maxims there is always so much practical common

sense in them. Here's a badge for instance. For dust in the eyes avoid rubbing and dash water in them. Okay. Super, super smart. Hard to read that with dust in your eyes. Wait what were the rules? It's when you gotta just remember. There was something I was supposed to do. Oh God, I wish I could see. Ah, so much dust. Somebody read my hat to me. Going around town.

Sir, could you read my hat directions? There's just a picture of a lady with beer on her jokes. Oh, that's right. I gotta jerk off. Thanks for the reminder. Thank you. I'm gonna go behind this fence here. There's no fence there. Oh yeah. Well just catch it in my hat. Oh yeah, that's how I

paste them. This is especially useful when you are on the car and there isn't a drop of water in the country nearer than the engine or the next lake 43 miles behind you. The idea that he said 43 miles is totally weird. Sounds very specifically like something like me. There's a lake 43 miles behind you. The idea that he said 43 miles is totally weird. It sounds very specifically like something happened to him. Like me! There's a lake 43 miles behind me, for instance. Now this next one's very helpful for Luke. Remove insects from the ear by tepid water. Never put a hard instrument into your ear.

Let's look. Please repeat it. Remove insects from the ear with tepid water. Never put a hard instrument in your ear. All right. I heard that. Yes, that is pretty advice. Now, is it? Suppose an Indian peace commissioner

gets an insect in his ear when he is out in- See you later, boys! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Colorado, is that man to suffer until he can reach the Mississippi River in order to get enough water to fill his ear? What a nightmare walk that is. Think about it. Walking to the Mississippi River to stop a moth. From Colorado to get that moth out of there. At that point, I think you go for the hard instrument. Have you?

No. Luke? I don't know. Now, Luke, have you ever had a bug in your ear? Not to my knowledge. Well, Luke. I don't know. Now, Luke, have you ever had a bug in your ear? Not to my knowledge. Well, that says that there's a bunch living in your head. To me.

Before passing through smoke, take a full breath and stoop low. That's so funny to be like, I don't agree. Exhale and jump. Why would you take a full breath of non? Non. Yeah, okay. Hold your breath. Just imagine now what a circus smoking car would present if every man who entered

it kept that rule posted in his hat. Why would you have that? Why is this guy obsessed with hat rules? Why is it all in your hat? I think he's saying these are bad rules. You know what? It's like the new, it's like the Bill Maher segment of their day. Hat rules.

Oh, sure. If everyone entered the smoking car with a big breath, that's gonna work just fine. How about this, we make our decisions to hold our breath if we want to or not. Suck poisonous wounds unless your mouth is sore. He's not reading, he's telling you to go do that Luke. Suck poisonous wounds unless your mouth is sore, enlarge the wound or better cut the wound without one delay. If that isn't a lively piece of advice for a sane man to give to healthy people. Now look, allow me to suck your wound. I don't have sores. I don't have a wound. I don't have sores in

my life. We can make one. Listen here, don't you do anything of the kind and if you get a scratch on the throat don't enlarge anything of the kind. And if you get a scratch on the throat, don't enlarge it or cut it out. And if you get a wound on the back of your neck, don't try to reach it with your mouth. Somebody will try that someday and there'll be a broken neck in the family. I think he's got to be being funny. It's got to be a joke at this point. Yeah. You can't suck the back of your own neck. I can too, watch me. That's how Luke goes. Wolves still make the night hideous with their howling, especially was this case last Thursday.

Wow. You know, it's pretty fucking sad that we live in a time where you will never hear a wolf while you sleep. You'll never be like, ah, the wolves are too much. But we play our cards right. You could hear a beautiful choir singing in dog church. Dude, let the dog church choir go. I still think it's a viable option.

The people hunger for hell songs. Read the title of that article, Jesus Christ. The Dying Earth. Wait, is it written by, what's the guy's name? Professor Proctor in New York. Oh, okay. My friends, even our earth must die. Oh my God.

It must go the way of all the earth and other earths. This is a Trump speech. In the course of 25 more millions of years, it must be, it must deadhead its way among the stars. You want to read it in Trump voice? Sure, okay. Yeah. Well, people don't like Trump, but I'll read it in Trump voice. Here's Trump's latest speech. My friends, even our earth must die. It must go the way of all the earth and other earths. In the course of 25 more millions of years it must Dead head its way

Among the stars it must dry up the bottom of the seas will leak the waters run out Mars and Venus the seas are so leaking now The moon is dead already poor thing and no one kind enough to bury her when you look on the face of the moon you look on the face of a corpse it's all nonsense to talk of the moon moons rising or setting or getting up or setting down or the moons looking down on us. It does nothing of the sort. It's dead and can't look anywhere.

And the earth is dying in 25 million years. It'll be nothing but cold cinder. No seas, years it'll be nothing but the cold cinder no seas no men no women no girls no boys no children no fashions no newspapers no politics if Nancy Pelosi gets her way no politics no revolutions no wars no rumors of wars, no theaters, no plays, no critics, no nothing. All blank, dry, dead, dull, dusty, deserted, doleful, and dreadful. The Sun will get up every morning for nothing, no life at all, at all. The animal, mineral, and vegetable kingdoms, all destroyed. The earth will be deserted and dusty, hung with mold and hung with cod webs. Rats will burrow everywhere and all sorts of weeds will choke up our parks and gardens. Now friends, something should be done

before it's too late to raise a monument of our departing earth. Some organization should be formed to see it buried decently and provide for the payment of the funeral expenses Whoo My god 100% of Trump's speech

Holy shit, yeah, you got one more for the little lookie boy Holy shit. You got one more for little Lukey boy. Um. Uh. Mexican robbers are real Hidalgos. Oh boy. And always steal and murder like- Are you just asking for another Trump speech? And always steal and murder like gentlemen.

Wow. Being especially polite to the ladies whose jewelry they appropriate. A bandit chief after shooting a gentleman dead because he refused to give up the keys to his house. This is a backhanded compliment. This is because he just shot and killed the guy. Yeah. Address the widow thus with hat in hand. Madame, we are gentlemen and never could be guilty of rudeness to the fair. Pray accept this diamond as a memento of the deceased and believe me your slave to command. My compliments to your distressed orphans!" Oh my god, you gotta love the way that people would commit crime and then be like,

I want to give you a tip. It's about manners. Yeah. It's my diamond. So I stole $65 from you. Here's 20. I murdered your husband. Here's a diamond. It was his, but now it's yours.

Not going to read this last one, but the headline is the Heathen Chinese and it has two Es on it. Okay. Luke, where can people find you besides in the van? You're what, at Luke H. Simmons? I'm at Luke H. Simmons on most of the things. You go on tour with me often if people want to see you do stand-up, and if people ever want to see you really in your elements, they should see you at a dollop show where you are Dick Van Dyken

doing 800 different things for us that we appreciate. And you sure, you mess up a number of those things, at doing 800 different things for us that we appreciate. And you sure, you mess up a number of those things, but overall when you put the marbles on the scale, it's a lot of good. But man, the mess ups are- Usually the marbles end up all over the floor. Yeah, sometimes you eat a couple marbles and- Like a home alone style trap and I'm doing six foot vertical airborne before I come down

hard on my lower back. But the other day I got to saw the head off a cabbage patch kid had a show and a show Can I also just recommend that people go and sit at the ninth hole at the end and just watch how bad people are golf? I don't want to jinx us, but I'm shocked that one of the yeah We should get out of here. We should get some really crazy place to have a parking lot. Yeah No, it's not well, it's because golfers do it. It's 20 feet from the- It's for people golfing, not people doing a podcast. Here, here's a little treat for,

we'll end the video like this. There you go. You can see what we're seeing. We got one right in the sand. Oh no, it came out of the green, look at you! For those who didn't believe it. For those who said it couldn't be done. And I'm done. And then the earth died.

And then the earth died. Hey dollop fans, I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation

on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.