The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 131 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Jen Kober Download CashApp and use code Dollop  SOURCES OFFICIAL MERCH

I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago and he was like oh yeah just come over stay at my place. You know and I was like buddy love ya but probably not gonna do that. So I ended up booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa, right on the well land, I believe, canal. And yeah, it was awesome. I had like, there's like a little dock, there were big windows, the whole nature meets city vibe. It was perfect.

By day three, Phil was like, can I crash here? And I was like, no, you have a home. But he did. And that's really when it hit me that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there, but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space,

it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to go towards whatever. Car payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life. It's flexible, it's on your schedule, and it works around your lifestyle. Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think.

Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Jen Kober. Hi, Jen. Thank you for being back with us. Hi. Thanks for having me and bringing up with all my internet connectivity problems. Geez, Louise.

Where are you with internet issues right now? I am in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I'm performing tonight at the Walton Center. The Walton's who famously own Walmart. Walmart, my thoughts. Hey, don't, don't. So Arkansas, they love their college baseball team. And they just lost in the World Series in what was the saddest self-destruction

I've ever seen in sports. And they're so don't bring it up. Don't say what the fuck did you people do? Well, look, I'm I live in Baton Rouge now. I our team wonon Rouge now. Our team won the whole thing. You do know, did you watch the game, the Arkansas LSU game? I've never seen a team.

I did not. It was the saddest. Oh, no. Like, there were three plays in a row in which they just did the wrong thing. One guy had the ball hit off of him and roll 20 feet to the fence. It was just, oh, she went away. Jen's gone. Jen left.

But it was sad. Do you think I should wink more? No, that's a question I'm not going to answer. You just did. Be honest, though. It's a little titillating, right? Nope. Nope.

Now, I don't know if we're using this for the podcast or not. So. Oh, we're using this. Nope. Yeah. I miss Jen. I think we're about to do one on our own.

Jen. I think I fixed it. Jen! What in the fuck? Look, I'm impressed. I've said this to y'all. This is... Look, I'm just amazed...

On a fucking wheel running the internet here. I'm just amazed that they have internet there. We're all impressed by them. All right, so we'll jump back in. So, Jen, you've did you watch the Arkansas team lose? I did not. I was sadly on an airplane when that was all happening, but didn't get to watch it in real time. But I kept getting, you know, the Facebook notifications of people

just like, holy shit, what the hell? It was a pretty holy shit thing. Calm me. Well, Jen, you're on the road a lot. Are you performing mainly at oligarch centers, or will you do smaller town shows? I do them all. One night I'm in an oligarch center, the next night I'm in like the Looney Bin in Tulsa.

Like you just don't ever know. Well. The Looney Bin in Tulsa. Like you just don't ever know what it's gonna be. The Looney Bin and Tulsa was just bought by Amazon. Oh no, Bezos. You fuck. Well, people can go to Jen Cobra, Cobra with a K, dot com for all your dates and everything. You're wearing a Make America Gay Again hat.

Thank you. Dave and I are not gay. Are we allowed to wear that hat? What is the- I think you are. You can be an ally and wear this hat. Yes. I would wear it as an ally. Because it's Pride Month and I've been doing an insane- this month I did 22 shows in 30 days.

Oh my God. It was the crazy, crazy month. And after every show, I would give away, I have these little enamel sort of rainbow pride pins and a little flag, some little hearts, some little popsicles, some of them are little hands making the heart sign. So the straight people were getting upset.

They were like, there's not a pin for straight people were getting upset. They were like, there's not a pen for straight people. So I went and bought one for the straight people that have a little rainbow on them. And they say, you are safe with me. I can't. The insecurity. I know. They're like. Of everything is so.

I had one guy in Tulsa tell me, he said, because you know on the ads that I posted on social media for the show, it said that it was my Pride 2025 tour. It just was part of it. Sure. Because it was like, yeah. Sure. One guy wrote, I am so sick of these gay people trying to cram their agenda down our throats.

I was like, dude, that's the gayest thing you've ever said. What are you talking about? What kind of gay shit is that? You are queer, son. You need to come back to your life sessions here. It is so fucking crazy how it's just the you know what? It's just like the it was like Black Lives Matter. And then it was like, but do all lives matter? Yeah. Can we like hold just give it a fucking minute?

Like, what are you doing? Like, I'm white and I'm hurt by the Black Lives Matter movement. It's really sad when you have a movement just saying you fucking matter. That's yours. You're just the- I know. You have a month. Can you imagine? It would be so great to live in a country with straight pride month and the gays were

in charge of it, watching what would happen to the straights. That would be the most boring, most parade I've ever seen. Now you're crossing a line. Now you're not actually crossing a line. You guys are fuck straight people. We have all the colors. We've taken the entire rainbow. And just when you thought left to the pastels

and black and brown, we took that shit too for the trammies. I'm telling you, we can do it all. We had gray. Yeah, we can do it all. We got Grey. Yeah, we got Grey. No, I think Grey is in there. Fuck. I mean, it rhymes with gay, so it's difficult anyway. Oh, Jesus. There's no move left to become gay.

We're all going to die. We're all going to die. And that's the good news. It won't matter when we're just skeletons. All right, Jen, you know what we do here. This is, you're a fan favorite, so you're back. You know what we do. We're going to go through this newspaper, and we're going to start by guessing the year of the paper. Again, there's no context.

This is just for fun. You'll go first, and Dave will probably make it so you win But I a couple days ago guessed one two years short and the guest one still so Reason for that no there wasn't shut up. So there was a five. He had a five in his every sense No, that's the way we change it up is that there's different ways to win It's offensive to my people the English white straightsits. So Jen, go ahead. Why don't you take a guess? I'm going to say 1977. Wow. I think you pushed it. I really do. You got cocky. It's gay pride month. You're feeling yourself. I don't think it's going to be so nice. I don't think it's going to be nice. I think I'm going to go with a 19 oh 1883

1883 Since we only had one guess I'm going to say Jen you heard my guess. No, I heard my guess you do I Didn't hear that. No, I all I heard was Jen's guess the Jen wins You ran out the clock Gareth and because of that you lost you got a jump on that and you got to get your guess in There just a little bit quicker. That's why we have buzzers. It is the Wheeler County Gazette

from Cumminsville, Nebraska. No, we're not. Corm! We got corn. We got corm. Cumminsville. Corm. Cumminsville.

Must be like, stop taking pictures near our sign. Well, there were no pictures in 1880. No, but I mean now is Cumminsville a town? Stop sketching pictures of our town. You know, you didn't have to come all the way to Cumminsville to sketch the town sign. It meant a lot to me. Cumminsville, Nebraska, did you say Dave? Yeah, it's in Nebraska.

I mean, that's probably not there anymore. I think they changed it. I think eventually. You think they changed the name? They probably changed the name. They're like, look, there's too many teenage boys coming around here making fun of us. Look, we're going with the name Jizm Time.

Oh no, wait. It's still there. with the name Jizm time. Oh, no, wait. It's still there. Oh, it's still there. It's still there. How many serial killers are from there? Many. Oh, wow. Oh, then there's a South Cumminsville in.

There's also a Cumminsville in Kentucky and one in New York. Oh, crazy. Yeah. I'm going to do a tour. Those Cummins boys really got around. Those Cumminsville kids. It doesn't look like it's even really a town though. It just says it's an unincorporated community. Yeah, but that's cool.

It doesn't say how many people live there, so it's a sham. Wow. Oh my god. Shout out Cumminsville. Listen to this. Cumminsville was established in 1881 and was the first town in Wheeler County. It was named for pioneer homesitter Frank Cummins and was located in Beaver Valley. I mean, they had Cumminsville. Beaver County. Cumminsville Beaver. Next In the anal mountain range. So there's a local matters thing here, column, it's just got a bunch of little things. Like deer signs can be seen in the sand hills south of town. I think they mean poo. Because signs is in little quotations. That means that's probably poo, right? They're probably saying that there's...

Jen, I don't know if you're like me, but anytime I hear a grown up say poo, it's fun. Saying, I think they mean poo is just particularly fun. I think they mean poo. That's the name of my new podcast. I only say poo when referencing a bear wearing no pants. So man, when he takes a shit, that's funny. Well, nothing gets on his pants. That's for sure. Nah, it's the move. No more shit in your pants. That's what's great about that move. I mean, if your name's Poo, you're really careful to be like, I can't shit anywhere. No one can see it.

And I don't react well to honey. Yeah, your friends with an ass. Hey, look, it's an ass and poo. Oh, no. Why do we hang out? We're low hanging fruit. And Tigger's like, he's got fruit. Tigger, Jesus Christ, it's obvious. Tigger, please. Tigger.

Oh. Prairie chickens are said to be numerous in this vicinity. Okay. That's a story they put in the- That is helpful though. That's the beginnings of free range chicken, right there. With prairie chickens that just roam the world freely. Yeah, there's a lot of prairie cock in Cumminsville

in the beaver district. I'm looking for Prairie Cock. Well, boy, you're gonna have to go to Cumminsville. Oh, I can't come again. I need me a couple juicy breasts. I gotta get a couple juicy breasts on that cock. The young folks of Clearwater are talking of a dance soon. Cumminsville youths are anxious to assist.

Let us know the date. I mean. What? This is a paper. It's like the Cummins boys had to invite themselves to the dance. Like, hey, we'll put decorations if we can go. They were so, I mean, imagine a dance.

Like back then when all you just like fucking was just so far off the radar when you're like Maybe I could fuck tonight like there must have been a lot of dance kind of I don't think any of them were worried about sex I think they were like just just just They were those were the boys that were like to just touch the tip. Those were the bulls. Yeah. I think they were scared. Yeah.

Yeah. The soakers of the world. Shout out, soakers. God love you. There's probably a high Mormon population there in the Cummins. Oh, boy. Can you imagine trying to pull off a soak? What a nightmare.

I didn't even know what that was until I became friends with a Mormon girl from Utah who had elitism and laughed my ass off. Well, I think you should explain it to people. Apparently, what it is is because unmarried Mormon folks are not supposed to have sex, so what they do is they insert the penis into the vagina and let it soak in the juices. There could be no movement. Like marinate. He puts it in and then they have somebody else jump on the bed to make the motion. That's called the ocean. The ocean. Yeah, that's the ocean.

So you've got soaking, which is just putting it in and the theory is just let it sit there and God's like, I don't hate it. And then you've got your friend jumping on the bed. And that's apparently okay too. So you're just like, jump closer to my balls. Jesus Christ, jump near my balls. And then, so I, okay, so then I heard about bag piping which blew my mind any clue on what bagpipe I mean, I know how a bagpipe is played and I'm getting a very specific mental picture in my head Well to secure the bagpipes one puts a strap over their shoulder and one could argue That the bagpipe looks a little like a ball bag. So bag piping is armpit fuck. Oh, have a good show guys. I'm out of here. Wow. Yeah. So,

so Mormons invented the worst three way of all time. Yes. Well, I don't think you need another person there to bagpipe. No, I'm talking about, I'm talking about when you come, you don't hear you need another person there to bagpipe. No, I'm talking about Ocean. When you come, you don't hear it for like 10 minutes. I believe that's kind of the rule. They also invented pepper just for the record, just to bring them back up. Oh, God. See?

Now that's good. Zoking and Dr. Pepper. So thank you. What a mixed bag. I don't know how to feel. Yeah. What's wrong with you? And this is delicious.

We'll let a mixed bag pipe is don't know how to feel. Yeah. What's wrong with you? And this is delicious. We'll have a mixed bag pike. Is that what we're going to put that in? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.

When I was in New York studying acting, there was a young Mormon, young, she's 25 or whatever. And after a while everyone was like, oh, if you get her as a scene partner, she'll let you make out. She, you would go into her, she'd be like, yeah, come over to my house and we'll do the scene. And then you'd walk in and she'd go, okay, just nothing from the waist down. And you could just make out and feel her boobs. That was... What?

Yeah. I'd rather that never meet a Mormon. Yeah. Come on. I want to go and go. That would have been a hell of a taste. Well, yeah. It is nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's nice. It's harder for you though, Jim, because they have to be two steps removed from their process in order to be like, letting an acting scene, straight acting scene partner come over and kiss them and feel their boobs is like, that's the pathway to being open to everything.

Wanted 500 bushels of corn and the same of oats delivered in Cummingsville. Jesus Christ. Jen called it. This is the most farm, yeah, this is just, it's like a farm list. It's also like a wish list, like, hey, if you're having a dance, we'll come help.

Hey, if you got any food, we'll thank you. Like what? Who's got oats? Tasty chickens. Hey, if you're having a dance, we'll come help. Hey, if you got any food, we'll thank you. Who's got oats? Tasty chickens. No, it's just one creep with a paper and everyone's like, don't go there, that guy's a freak. Hello. Charlie Staple has our thanks for two luscious watermelons. The first we have seen this season.

They were so large, Charlie, that we invited our friends to partake with us. We should have brought them to the dance. We sure could dance with two watermelons. The ladies are gonna be like, fuck yeah, let's dance. I mean- Make them earn the watermelon.

You like juicy thing with seeds in them? Right this way, ladies. Yeah, well. How great it must have been to get a watermelon. For them to be that sought after and then you actually get one to be like, oh my God. There, I mean, that's a big win, a watermelon in common. Yeah. Oh, yeah.fall. Yeah, oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes, one measuring 28 inches in diameter in circumference, and the other 22. Stop it. These are the production of the Sandhills. This is a radish you carve with a knife. This is a Thanksgiving radish. It's 20-

This is a pumpkin carving radish? Yeah, this is a 28-inch radish. This is glorious. You feed your whole family. But we need to be giving a nice jack-o'-radish. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes. It's so insinuative. He comes to the front with two large radishes. It's so insinuative. It's so, he comes to the front with two large radishes. I mean, everything in this paper is insinuative. Well, this is what I, are they having some sort of like, like in Cumminsville, you would think, I mean, it's no surprise that there's comparing size of things. But the fact that what they've chosen is garden vegetables is what's making me laugh. They're like, hey, hey, look, I got these two big-ass radishes.

Man, the circumference on these bad boys is off the charts. And then one is coming forward and then Charlie's like, hey, but I got the, they didn't compare to them a watermelon. It's not like they was watermelon radishes. Can you imagine showing up to a watermelon event with radishes? It's like, these are delicious. Anyone want a bitter ground pepper?

Get the, those are disgusting. Dave likes radishes. I love radishes. He loves radishes. It's crazy. It's like, that's like some serial killer shit. That really is. A 28 inch radish.

Just leave me alone for a week. Put me in. Nobody will want to be around you, don't worry about it. Put me in the room with the radish. You what? And they make the little radish look like a rose. Yeah, that's because it's mainly garnish. It's mainly, nobody is supposed to sit there

and eat it like a fucking apple. It's psychotic. Why not, the last time you talked about this and I was pro radish, you did not go read the Patreon comments that were largely pro-radish. You are alone. You're getting the psychos out. That's just psychos are trying to find a home and they're like, finally, a radish leader.

Us regular people aren't chiming in because we're like, enjoy all that. Sorry, I have a palate. However, watermelons and radishes are delicious and are a thing. Interesting. Oh. Peace is possible. Thank you, Jen. Interesting.

We can both be happy. I still am mad at Dave. Thank you, Jen. Lea Schuller-Herald. A serious accident occurred in a grove east of town on Sunday last. A young gentleman and lady named respectively, what is JOS Dot?

What's that short, what's that abbreviated? Jocelyn, Joss. Jocelyn maybe? Jocelyn Severin and Francis Cironi, maybe Joseph? Sure. It's a dude. Were walking together when Severin pulled a pistol from his pocket.

Okay, well. Escalating. So guys walking with a lady, a couple of young, a little young couple, and he just whips out a pistol. Mm-hmm, yep. They call that toxic masculinity now, but it was a simpler time. You could just take a pistol out

when you were having a walk with a woman and nobody freaked out. Well, what happened was, he said, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? And he was like, no, no, I mean. That's a gun. I can't get hard.

He pulled it for the purpose of shooting at a bird. This is such a dude thing. Just walk with the lady. Just enjoy the lady. Nobody's impressed with that. And he kills the bird and then he just picks it back in his pocket and she's supposed to swim. That's exactly what that is.

Anyway, what were you saying? You like to shop? It reminds me of, I knew a comedian and she was in New York and she went to a movie on a date, the first date with this guy and he came out, and you know the cardboard cutouts they have? With some actor, he just, after the movie, they're walking out and he just runs up and rips the head off and like looks at her like,

she'll be excited and she's just like, I don't wanna see you anymore. This is our last date. That's such a dude thing, Riz. Cause you rip the head off, other dudes are like, oh, yeah He still has Tom Cruise's head in his closet. Yeah He's like, don't worry. I started fucking this instead of her Yeah, that is such a guy thing, yeah, I dunked did you see I dug that crash like cool you're okay

As and as he was swinging the gun around to the proper point, it accidentally discharged. And shot her. The ball lodging in the young lady's shoulder. Okay, so I'm not buying the story, but okay. He just shot her, you think? He shot her. Yeah, he did.

He shot her. That's more relatable. It was a burn on your shoulder in five seconds. No. I swear to God. Bird. That's way more relatable. It's way more relatable to be like, I shot this woman

in the arm than to be like, I was trying to get a bird and then I swung it too much. You can see the signs. It's Poe. Look, look. I thought signs. It's Poe. Look, look. I thought it was a prairie chicken. Ah! I got too excited. Oh my God.

Dr. Woods was called and he extracted the ball. The wound is not dangerous and the patient is doing well. The wound is not dangerous. I mean, every wound is dangerous in 1883. Number one. You only have to shoot her once. She's going to learn that. Yeah. And now she knows.

It's very true. It's you shoot a woman once and you get she understands how to treat you for a lifetime. Right. You know, she laughs at all my jokes. Yeah. By the way, that was quite an investment. I made. I can't walk the season. Watermelons at the front. Now I just have to take the gun out. She agrees with what I'm saying.

Gareth, the pastime is brought to you by Cash App. We are big users of the Cash App. We want you to download the Cash App today using the code dollop. slash cashapppod as a Cash App partner. We may earn a commission when you sign up for Cash App. Like I said, we like it. Money shows up super quick. It's super easy to use. You don't have to, you know, use your bank account to sign up. Use your phone number to email or whatever. Use Dave's email. If you accidentally send money to the wrong person, a lot of other apps you don't have a way to get it back. Don't I know it.

But I still, if you send me money and it's wrong, I'm going to keep it. I'll do the same to you. Okay, that got weird. I didn't know. See you in cash app court. I didn't think it was going to happen. I'll to you. Maybe try to cash out. Sorry, do you want your money back? No, it's not happening with cash. Cash app takes care of you. It's a different experience. It's fast, it's easy, it's safe. That's what we use here at the dollop. Yeah, I started using Cash App pretty exclusively.

Also, when I sell merch at shows, we try to get everyone to use Cash App. That's the goal. That's the goal. you should use Cash App. I'm always running into problems with the other apps. Like you said, the thing where if you accidentally don't, it's just crazy to me that if you send the money to the wrong person on accident, that's the end of that. Yeah, I don't need that in my life. Write into your account, terms apply, that's money, that's Cash App. Cash App. That's us. That's us. Like the slogan that we came up with says,

it's called Cash App, not catch app, because there's no catch, but there's cash. We're cash happening. That's what cash happening. I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago ago and he was like oh yeah just come over stay at my place. You know and I was like buddy love ya but probably not gonna do that.

So I ended up booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa, right on the well land, I believe, canal. And yeah, it was awesome. I had like, there's like a little dock, there were big windows, the whole nature meets city vibe. It was perfect. By day three, Phil was like, can I crash here? And I was like, no, you have a home. But he did.

And that's really when it hit me that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there, but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space, it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to go towards whatever.

Car payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life. It's flexible, it's on your schedule, and it works around your lifestyle. Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. North Bend Flail. That's a weird name for a paper.

The flail, F-L-A-I-L. So these are just sort of pinched articles from other periodicals? Yeah, they're pinching articles. And really so far not super interesting. So, okay. I don't know. The young lady getting shot in the... I enjoyed that one.

That one was enjoyable. Yesterday, while the young son of C.P. Dickerson was hurting about three miles west of town, he discovered the remains of a human body. Well, that's fun. What's banned by me? Cumminsville, Marzgen. Honestly, it's so fucking hilarious to just be like walking and be like, that is a skeleton.

Man, unattended, died. Long over Cumminsville, this is insane. Yeah, dong, dong. This is insane. Yeah. Come come. A word was sent to town and this morning a company went out to investigate. They found the bones of a full grown woman of probable maturity. There was a bird. Yeah. Well, she had a probable maturity. So they were like, probably an adult woman. It's like, do we need a new corner? I think it was a groan.

Yeah, no shit, dude. There's like fully formed bone. It was a big, this was a big and I think a woman because look at all the holes in the pelvis. Oh, guys have that too. I don't know. I'm lost. I don't know what it would be.

The skull showed marks of intelligence. So we're thinking now a man. The more that we are examining, we're starting to think it might be a man. This is a brain. The skull showed marks of intelligence. They brought a quarter. They brought a guy out and he's like, so you're the expert, right Jimmy? Yeah, she's a big and full woman. Wow, she's smart. Smart, big rack, everything you'd want.

A real winner. Dr. Woods was, oh no, that was the last one. A cotton flannel skirt and a calico waist was all the clothes with it. Well that's helpful to the corner. That they found a lesbian. Flannel skirt, come on man. She had to be, we have to wear flannel somewhere

and she's on the prairie but she had to find a flannel skirt. Yep. I believe it was a, he like eats dirt. Wait, I, it shows signs of manliness and intelligence. It must be a, let's be. What? What?

He's tracking it. There might be more around here if we're not careful. Stay low. Intelligence it must be There might be more around here if we're not careful stay low We call that a lesbian gaggle When you run into a whole group of them at once. The bones were brought to town and are in charge of Dr. Lyd. They're in charge of him? So the skeleton's your boss. Okay. There you go, take orders from that. There you are. It was pretty smart, it had holes in the head. Take orders from that. There you are. It was pretty smart.

It had holes in the head. Anyway, take care. Next story. Miss Hattie West of Ponca. Ponca is a terrible name for a town. I don't agree. Ponca City of Mahal is one of the worst places I've ever been in my life. See?

Jen's going everywhere. She's literally been everywhere. Ponca. Hey, Ponca. How's it going? It's great to be here. Man, I'm so glad you're here. See She's literally been everywhere Hey, Panka, how's it going? It's great to be here Imagine saying that with a straight face Pocka you guys enjoyed pride week What's yeah, what's punk is pride situation?

We stand like a statue the time we saw girls hold hands. Miss Hattie West of Ponca had an experience the other day. I bet she did. In the like of which not many girls would have come out with equal credit. What the fuck does that mean? What happened to her? Fucking, it's big. Not many girls would have come out with equal credit. No. What the fuck does that mean? What happened to her? She fucking, it's big. Does that mean she came out the same way she went in,

or does that mean? No, she handled it better than most women. Yeah. Okay. I think. She was driving alone from Ponca to Sioux City, well now it's like Jen. Yeah.

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. She was at the Walmart Center. And when on a lonely part of the road, a drunken Indian stepped into the road. Jesus Christ. Branny. Well, I mean, you got to use the terms of the time as horrible as they are. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Drunken Indian. Come on.

Yeah, it's not great. I'm ready to be canceled today. Yeah, you're really itching for it. I mean, if you're going to write about something fascinating, how about a sober Indian? Jen Coburn no longer appearing at the Walton Center. Somehow show cancer before podcast airs. It's very weird to to grow up in California where we basically

all the Native Americans and then going to like the Midwest or places like this, Nebraska, Iowa, and experiencing the racism against Native Americans. And you're like, wait, what? What's happening? Yeah. How dare you take this place before us? That's just insane. Disgusting. So a drunken Indian stepped into the road

and caught her horse by the bits. Now, I would think that would be testicles, but it's not. Oh, I would think it's nuts. That's the horse bites into like, you know the thing. Oh I definitely thought it was like Austin Powers style I've grabbed its bits baby. Yeah, and at the same time telling her to get out of the buggy Fortunately, she had a shotgun with her. That's a great equalizer Well, she was doing like wagon jacked by yeah, she was good by the way I mean, I've been wagon jacked before and it is it's a I got I got I got wagon jacked behind circus liquors and

in the valley I Love a wagon jacking I love a wagon jacking. So, but if you're, if it's 1883, you're traveling between two towns in Nebraska, you have a fucking shotgun if you're a lady. Like you're not cruising that route without a shotgun. You need it in case anybody grabs the bits of your horse. Yeah, that's right. Or if it's a bird.

She picked up the shotgun and drawing a bead on Mr. Indian. I mean, what are you doing? Jesus Christ, I love that they're trying to be respectful. And what is your name, sir? Will Mr. Indian do? She told them to let go of the horse. A glance at her face seemed to convince the Winnebago. Okay, so I didn't know this. I didn't either. But yeah, Winnebago. Okay. So I didn't know this. I didn't

either. But but yeah, Winnebago is apparently named after a tribe. Fucking ridiculous how god damn colonizers. Why people are such that we are the war guy. It's me. I I'm the problem. It's me. I just we get shit sometimes for shitting all over white people. But how can you not like it's it's just endless. Yeah, it's just like a tribe of Indians.

And we're like, we will honor your tribe. This vehicle that takes trashy tourists from state park to state park and the tube in the back where they empty the feces they've produced on the road from their Cheetos, we call it the Winnebago. You're welcome. No, no, don't touch it. Don't even look at it.

Don't touch it. It's not for you. Honestly, we just wanted our land. We will be driving into your land No, no, don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't touch it. It's not for you. Thanks. Honestly, we just wanted our land. We will be driving into your land and ruining it by putting our grills and our used oil and trash all over that is not recyclable. We will put potholes all over this desert. We will ruin it and in a vehicle named after you, the Winnebago's. You're very welcome.

Okay. There you are. Yeah, cool, man. Yeah, it is. Are you drunk? Aren't you all drunk? My friend Jen said you got. Oh, sorry. I don't know. I'm going to fucking account and I'm going to work. Language. Don't love it. That's some respect, buddy. She seemed to convince the Winnebago that she meant business, and so he suddenly retired and let her proceed on the way. The Indian followed her nearly half a mile, but a wholesome fear of the must-be-gun kept him at a safe distance. Now imagine if the lead male in this story was white.

Do you think it would make any paper anywhere in the 1800s? No, because he would have shot a Burt. I seen a parent ticket, leave it alone. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking to get wagon jacked. Also, that story is very young white lady made up a story feel too. Yeah, that way when she shows up with the Indian baby she has something.

Oh, that's totally what it was. Oh, that makes sense. That tracks. Look, some Native American dude in the middle of nowhere just doesn't suddenly grab your horse. Like, it's just. Oh, it's happened to me a bunch. That's happened to my Honda a ton of times. It reminds me of that scene in Blazing Saddles when they're trying to cross the west and they just put up a toll booth.

And he says, somebody's going gonna have to go back for a shit ton of die just one indian out there just waiting for a white lady to yeah yeah yeah finally Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally. Killed in an elevator. What? Oh, like a grain elevator. It has to be like a grain elevator or something, right? No, the boy in charge of the passenger elevator

at the Grand Pacific in Chicago lost control of it Tuesday. I have no concept of when anything was invented. Elevator feels so future. Yeah, but I think you know how in old movies like that the guy has the up and down thing. Yeah, the crank boy. That must have controlled. He was like pulling the elevator up. Yeah. It might be like the Flintstones where they're like 30 chimps in the shaft too, just yanking on the rope or something. I'm pretty sure that's what it was. Is that accurate Dave? Yeah. He advised two persons in the elevator to jump out at the next landing. Is it bad when the guy in charge of the elevator suggests you jump out as soon as possible?

Somebody's never experienced that I'm just curious if that's bad Speeds down. I mean, I'm also wondering what kind of a door is on the elevator. No door I don't I mean maybe not just a little bed sheet that they made a curtain out of Yeah, yeah, just beads. I bet it's just that when they had the little like cage thing that they- Yeah, right. Open and close. But even then, like, you might want to jump out on the next floor, mister.

Oh, Christ. Go! Go! Hurry! So in doing so, one of them, a painter named Christian Jacobson employed about the hotel was killed. Oh, fuck.

So he tried to jump out. So he must have been like cut in half. Not now. You know, time it better. You don't jump out of a moving elevator. But it's funny that he was a painter and now his blood's all over us on the walls. His last piece. Oh, Jacob.

And then the coroner shows up and goes, I think this was a tiny little girl. No. Oh, no, I don't know. Killed by a constable. Some things never change. They call me ice. Martin Caller, 31 years old, was shot and killed by Constable Johnson at the suburb

of Highland Park, Chicago, Wednesday night. Wow. The constable fled after the shooting. Is that a good sign when the law enforcement also takes off? Yeah, that's not really cool. Shit, cops, run! You are cops. Shit, five-o, get out of here!

What? An attempt was made by friends of the dead man to burn Johnson's house. There you go. By the way. This is how you do it. I like it. I like the idea that if you can't find them,

you just burn their home. Like, all right, let's just burn their house. Well That'll teach them. Let's get rid of all their stuff They're claiming that the killing was unprovoked. Well, yeah, he ran away. It was absolutely unprovoked He didn't play it. Well, the cop didn't play it. Well, the constable did not handle that Well by no, you got to go like there is a prayer bird on his shoulder. Yeah, you the prairie bird. That's what I like about today's policing. Yeah, they got good lines. Yeah. Yeah, you don't run. You just go like, you said he's going to shoot me. Okay, then. All right, I'm going to go home. I'm tired. That murder got me all tuckered out. So tired from that murder.

Johnson put in an appearance the next morning suffering from knife wounds claimed to have been received by him in attempting to arrest Kailor and some boy companions. Nope, he made those that morning. Goes home and just stabs himself. Yeah, what are you doing, honey? Corroborate. I'll see you in a bit.

Ah. Christ. Your job is weird. Yeah, it's strange. Oakland. A daring robbery. That's it. OK.

That's it. That's the story. Conclusions are not in this paper. But OK. No, they're like, figure it out yourself. I gave you all the, yeah. Yeah. It's it. Okay. That's it. That's the story. Conclusions are not in this paper, but okay. No, they're like, you know, figure it out yourself. I gave you all the, yeah. It's bullet point.

A daring robbery was committed yesterday afternoon on the road about one and a half miles north of this village. Scary. Sure. Charles Oakson and son had just arrived from Illinois to take possession of his farm, which he had purchased a month ago. OK.

Sure. He bought a farm. Yep. Mr. Oakson and boys started up to the farm with a team and a farm wagon and had two or three trunks aboard. Just before leaving Main Street, a young man asked for a ride, saying he wanted to go up to Lyons. We gotta give him a ride,

because small town, you gotta give him a ride. Okay. It's just neighborly. Sure. You remember hitchhiking? Did you hitchhike when you were younger? No, what the fuck, what do I look like, 60? Sure, you got a ride. Okay. It's just neighbor is neighborly sure remember hit Do you remember hitchhiking? Did you hitchhike when you were younger? No, what the fuck? What do I look like 60? Did you? Oh, yeah, we hitchhiked we literally hitchhiked everywhere. That's insane to me Jen anything I would never tried to hitchhike one time when I was like 15 years old in Los Angeles. We got in the guy's car I've never been so scared in my life and this whole car's more like P and I was like we got to get out

We got in the guy's car. I've never been so scared in my life. And this whole car smelled like pee. And I was like, we got to get out. And we did. You know, if you girls want to piss, just go ahead. I was just saying. Don't worry. You hitchhiked, Dave?

Oh my God, dude. We hitchhiked. Yeah. When I was in high school, everybody hitchhiked everywhere. It wasn't hitchhiking. it was pre-Uber. This is what they called... Yeah, Uber Thumb. Yeah.

But look, I got a ride from Father Guido Sarducci. Wow. Yeah, he lived near me, apparently. And I got a ride from a guy with a boner. That was one. It was in gym shorts. Yeah, we get it. Yeah, you were cute.

And then a guy showed me his gun. So those are probably the three things that stand out. The gun and the boner were different guys? Yeah. Might have been the same guy and your trauma might have separated then. The gun was, the boner guy I was in. It's a great title. It was the first year of college and I was, so that was kind of a long ride, like maybe

25 minutes, but the gun guy. The boner sustained the whole ride? Yeah, he was rubbing it. Oh, okay. Well now the plot's, so he's doing a bit of wagon jacking. Yeah, he was rubbing it. Oh, okay. Well, now the plot's, so he was doing a bit of wagon jacking. Yeah, he was wagon jacking. He was hoping I'd join in, but I did not join in.

And if you did, it's okay. Nobody would think, judge you. I would judge you. I would. Jen, stop. Let's get him. Jen. I'd be like, what a window queer you are. What's going on?

At least he could wear that hat finally. Wear it proud. Dave, I didn't know you were gay. I'm not, but I sucked a guy's dick through his gym shorts when I hitchhiked in high school. What happened? Okay, welcome aboard. Does that don't make me gay, goin'?

That don't make me gay. All right, so if everyone who sucked a guy's dick through his gym shorts, because they were hard and he was giving them a ride is gay, then this whole nation's gay. The guy with the gun was between San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara, so that was a much longer, much more terrifying ride.

Jesus Christ. Okay, so a seat was given to him on one of the trunks behind Mr. Oakson and the boy. All went well until they reached a secluded spot besides a large cornfield, which is all of Nebraska. One mile and a half from town when the, quote, meek young man in the rear opened his grip sack, uh oh. Oh boy.

And on the long believe that it sounds like what the gym shorts guy did. You get a weird grip sack, that is. That's hard to handle. But I'll tell ya, you get, sometimes you just, look, sometimes you just gotta release the grip sack. Ha ha ha ha. There's only one way to do it.

Turn the on. And he pulled out a revolver and he demanded their money, or he said, quote, you're a dead on the spot. The old gentleman had just deposited several thousand dollars in the Bank of Oakland and had only about $10. Okay. Good timing. So that was luck.

So he took it together with a watch and a chain, also $25 and a watch from the boy. Constable Wallen, on hearing of the facts, called out several citizens and started in pursuit, but darkness coming on, most of them returned and reported he was not found. They didn't need that last part. Yeah. Okay. So we're not really getting any closure there, obviously. No.

No. See what could have happened. Show us on Unsolved Mysteries Cumminsville. That's a great show. It's a great show. That show ruined my life. Why would I want you to tell me all about a fucking crime only to tell me you don't know who did it?

How unsatisfying. What is that for? I was like, that's why I didn't hitchhike. all about a fucking crime, only to tell me you don't know who did it. How unsatisfying. What is that for? I was like, that's why I didn't hitchhike. I would watch that show and then it was Robert Stack like in a graveyard saying like, he's still out there looking for boys like you, Gareth. I was like, oh my God.

So scared. The reenactments. Can you imagine booking one of those reenactments back in the day? Things are pretty good, I just booked an Unsolved Mystery. I'm a wife abuser, but they're saying they want to bring me back for a murder guy. Look, we hitchhiked because we trusted people. We didn't have this fear of society like you have.

What the fuck are you talking about? A guy had a gun. He was just showing it off. Yeah, it's weird. Don't get weird. I didn't get shot by either guy. Just showed him my grip sack, that's all. I just had to ride with my grip sack out the whole time. Hey man, it's gonna be a long ride. You might wanna take your nuts out.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hey man, your balls are probably gonna get pretty sweaty. What do you say we do bags out for this trip? Okay, so this is an ad, so I gotta read it. Oh, this is Squarespace. Sorry, Jen. So the product is Men's Men's. M-E-N-S.

Oh, it's a new sponsor, Men's Men's. So the Pastimes is brought to you by Menzman's. Go ahead, Dave, read the copy. Menzman's Peptonized Beef Tonic. So Dave and I, sorry about that, you have to be here for this, Jen. So Dave and I, look, we love a tonic. We've been into pork tonics for a while. But Dave, correct me if I'm wrong,

this is the best beef tonic I've had. I mean, we love this beef tonic. It's such a good beef tonic. Oh, it's just, I mean, who doesn't have a bit of bouillon and think, I wish this was carbonated. And Gareth, this one is peptonized. I love the peptonized one. So use promo code pastimes at checkout

when you're getting this new beef tonic. So the pastimes, sorry you have to be here for this, Jen. This is just kinda how we make the money. So this Beef Tonic is just unbelievable. We love it here at the Pastime. I'm drinking a little bit of it right now. If I seem spicy, that's because. Now remember, use promo code Pastimes at checkout.

Tell them the Dalips sent you. You'll be glad you did. You know what happened? He invented this beach tonic. And when everybody saw that it was bubbly, they were like, this kind of girly. Why you got this bubbly beach tonic were like, this kind of girly, why you got this bubbly beach tonic? That's this kind of girly.

He was like, no, no, I'm calling it mens men. It's mens men. It's only for mens. It's to burn a hole through a lady throat. Now have a sip of mens mens. And then they're all like, I don't want to be called not manly. Give me some of that fizzy beef. I'm a great girly fiz Men's and then they're all like, I don't want to be called not manly. Give me some of that fizzy beef.

I'm a breaking barely fizzy beef juice. There you go, nice beef juice. I can look it up, but I do believe peptanized is like partially, you put it through a process that like partially digests it. What? And this is Jim, he's gonna drink it and then we'll take it out of him halfway through.

Men's men is meant to be regurgitated and then drunk by the next guy. That's that's how you know you're a real men's man. This is the uh men's men is different from all the other brands because it's half taken down already. You're gonna love it. We treat you like a baby bird. Here you go, Benjamin. Enjoy this beef tonic. Peptinize refers to the process of artificially pre-digesting food, typically by using enzymes like pepsin

or pancreatic extract to aid digestion. So they are taking it out, they are taking enzymes out they are taking enzymes out of people and mixing that in or there is someone... No they're taking they're taking well it is a pancreatic extract or I don't know what pepsin is but it breaks down the proteins into smaller peptones peptides amino acids so it's breaking things down. You know the gift of being able to make things and what you chose to make with some half-bar just in busy beef juice

He could have cornered the market on meth if he to put his little mind to Does anyone know where I could buy some pancreatic enzymes Does anyone know where I could buy some pancreatic enzymes? By the way, we laugh, but then the liver king exists. So what do we know? The only preparation to be of beef containing its entire nutrients properties, it contains blood making, force generating, and life sustaining properties. I actually just got a text Dave Mensman's dropped out. I guess they didn't like they didn't care for our grasp on their product.

All right. Well, that was a good ad. Yeah, that's great. I'm definitely thirsty. A party of Cumminsville gentlemen consisting of AB UnnungsgmHum and Dick Linderman, FW... Jesus. FW Dobbendick. What the fuck just... No, shut up.

Shut your goddamn mouth. Dobbendick in Cumminsville? Yeah, Dobbendick. Dobbendick. It was called by Constable Johnson. Shut your goddamn mouth. Dobbin Dick in Cumminsville? Yeah, Dobbin Dick. Dobbin Dick. It was gone by Constable Johnson. Well, well, well, Dobbin Dick. If I'm not surprised to see you here again.

They thrust themselves on the hospitality of F.R. Biggenold. Biggenold? What the fuck? shut up, this is not real. This is not, are you being serious? This is like a cartoon. I'm serious. Big and old. I don't know, I'm serious. I've got a plan.

That's my type, by the way. That's my porn search engine, big and old. Big and old. It could be big and old, but big and old seems better. Big and old. Fred brought out the watermelon patch and told the boys to go in. Mr. Big and old has some of the finest melons

that ever grew, but they are gone. I'm not, Jen, have at it. I'm not doing it. I mean, this is, it's so obvious, but their obsession with watermelons is just repugnant. Suspicious. It's killing the town.

It is. It is killing the town. And the Indian population. Them? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. A shower of fish is reported to have fallen at Monte Morlos, Mexico. A shower of fish is reported to have fallen at Monte Morlos, Mexico.

As shower sounds like something Trump would say. Is that like in that movie Magnolia when it started raining frogs? The frog rain? Yeah. It's showering fish. Raining fish. Yeah. Sometimes fish just fall from the sky. A lot of times. Yeah. Yeah. That's from the sky. A lot of times. Yeah.

Yeah, that's happening all the time in Tampa. Will the loaves fall as well? Can we get like a whole dinner? Fish and chips. Please, Lord, how about some tartar sauce, hail? Pius Pickering says his crop of frogs this year is not so large as last year's's but he has an immense crop of hay Oh cool shit, dude. What the fuck are you what a follow-up to be like? I don't have any frogs, but I have straw

Cool, dude. Yeah, no No No. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Burt Unangst brought a mammoth radish to our office last Saturday. What is with this town? That measured 19 and a half inches in circumference. That ain't shit.

23 inches in length. That ain't shit. It weighed 10 pounds. That ain't shit. We had a 28 inch earlier. Look at the baby arm. That's big, but Bert? Yeah.

It's really upsetting. Just talking about it, what a horrible time when it was like, come on over, we're having radish for supper. Cumminsville has a turnip eater who would like an engagement for further particulars address the Gazette. A turnip eater. What is, the diet is horrendous. By the way, it's still pretty much the menu in Britain right now.

It's a lot of vegetables there in the breast. It's a lot of root ones. So a turnip eater just contacted the paper, he's like, can you can you get it out there? I'm looking for a turnip. Yeah, we need articles The way to town was probably getting money to the dance It would be great to put turnip eater on craigslist and just see who hits you up Turnip eater looking for a connection Hello, i'm a turnip Yeah, just some guys like hello

Come on over. We'll build trains. I'm in a turnip costume The longest thing this is just a one sentence little blurb the longest thing your friend's favorite story It's about when you hitchhiked That's like the day That's like the yoke of the day. Right? That's like your gooseless and gallant. For Clemensville, Nebraska. Yeah.

Mr. Vanderbilt has had an attack of genuine charity. That was wild. An attack. An attack. The rich don't feel empathy. They have attacks of generosity. Well, he's their Bezos. He's the richest man. Yeah, right. While in the White Mountains, he learned that 30 of the waiters in the hotel where he stopped

were college students earning money during the summer vacation to further their education. Right. So he's like, look at these young men working. Your students. Wonderful. Wow. Mr. Vanderbilt left behind him a check for 3,000 to be divided amongst the students, giving them 100 each.

The act was probably as noble as anything Vanderbilt ever did. So, that is about $2,800 in our money. His big, exciting, wealthy philanthropic contribution to our youth was three fucking grand. Like come on. Yep. And the papers writing about it like what a great gesture Every time you hear that you're just like these people should not exist the idea that you're just like wow what philanthropy From a guy who will never miss it Wow

No, he's nice nothing. Yeah, I've got a hundred dollars There you are boys, That's the tip. All right, last one. A boy who was tried recently in Kentucky on the charge of carrying a concealed weapon was acquitted on the ground that he was too small to conceal a weapon so large. Thank you, that's what I'm saying.

Oh! Where was I gonna like, huh? Hello? Where was I gonna even put it? Step a little closer to the mic, boy. Where would I even put it? Very good point. This boy's too tiny. It's bigger than I am.

I can't even pick it up. How would I pick it up? Oh, you're so cute. This boy didn't commit a murder. Look at the size of him. Why, he's the size of a matchstick. How do I pick it out? Oh, you're so cute. This boy didn't commit a murder. Look at the size of him. Why, he's the size of a matchstick. I've seen radishes bigger than this boy.

Why, he's only 17 inches in circumference. Hi. The paper got three radishes last week bigger than that. Then he pulls out a gun. You fell right into my trap, Judge. Jesus Christ, little boy. Oh God, he's a Native American man. I see a bullet on your shoulder.

Now watch it. What's with your gym shorts, little man? You know what to do. Ha ha ha ha ha. Empty the fridge. Does anybody want to go to San Luis Obispo? The old fashioned way. Oh, Christ. Jesus Christ. Well, more normal stuff from American history, Jen. Thank you for joining us. Happy Pride Month. I'm excited to see Dave in a hat like that. us. Happy Pride Month. I'm excited to see Dave in a hat like that. People can go to jenkober.com for all your stand updates. Are you going to slow down with the road for a minute or are you still just out there doing what you're doing?

I am just out here doing it, man. I'm saving up to get to another country. Oh, good idea. I don't know why. Maybe somewhere where there are big radishes and lots of watermelons. Well, we've got the place for you. Well, thank you, Jen. Hilarious as always. Much appreciated. And happy Pride Month. And again, it is an offense to us as straight whites. Well, there's only six days left. You'll be okay.

Ah, it's hell. It's been hell. You don't know what it's like for us. Yeah. Imagine feeling so marginalized for one month out of the year. Ha ha ha! All right, thank you. Take it easy.

Thank you. Take it easy. Yeah, thank you. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-part animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside,

all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.