The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 131 - The Past Times with Ryan Dalton

Episode Date: June 27, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Ryan Dalton SOURCES OFFICIAL MERCH

All right, everybody, welcome to the past times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Put the money down, Dave. The great Ryan Dalton. Let's get back to the money. No.

No. Ryan, this is what you could win. This is what you back to the money. No. Ryan, this is what you could win. This is what you could win today. That's going to be very interesting for the opening because there is a contest and Dave oftentimes makes it so the guest always wins. So it'll be very interesting to see if Dave decides to buck his stupid convention or just send you $100, Ryan. It's price is right now. Either way, Venmo's at the Ryan Dalton.

No, no, no. You'll get that one. What? OK. Nobody don't come on the show and promote your Venmo. How long? You also get melatonin. How long until comedians are on stage plugging their Venmos?

That has to happen. Oh, I think I've seen it before at the end of July. Have you? Yeah, that's not surprising. It's donations. I've seen that. But during the set, it would be good to have a Venmo joke where you just promote your Venmo.

It's like the part where the comedian does the merch. They just, yeah, my Venmo is this. That I'm used to. Well, Salty Dalty, it's nice to have you here. What are we doing? Is that his nickname or are you just, I've never heard that. They call him Vagabond or Salty Dalty.

That's not something we do on this podcast. Dave, that maybe you're not in on. It's a long running joke where- You don't talk about it publicly, go ahead. Gareth found out that I like a certain sexual thing done and that I should be shamed for it. No, don't do that. I'm not.

Putting salt on your dick? No. No, that's more of a punishment. Who would like to say it? I guess the clinical term is analingus. Ah! The clinical term. Listening.us. The clinical term. Listening.

I found this out, I found this out before we were all open to everything, you know? Yeah. And boy, I'll tell you, we had some fun. We had some fun. And he still does to this day, like I haven't seen him. My kink. Right now.

My kink is enjoying that you like analingus, so don't shame what I love. That turns me on. See, gotcha. Either way you have a farm. And my kink, I like to lick his asshole. All right. The doubt will be right back. like anal ingus so don't shame what I love see gotcha either way and Mike I like to lick his asshole all right but Ryan talk to me about the formula of fun cast that is your new what is it it's an animated formula one racing experience would that be that's right that's That's basically it. I play a character by the name of Jason

Waterfalls, who's an ex-Method pitchman. And what's his policy on butt stuff? Well, he's down for it. He's pretty much up to anything. He's an ex-Method pitchman who's trying his hand at stand-up comic and he lives in a place, stand-up comedy, lives in a place called Montezuma, Colorado, where him and a few other people host this podcast that he invested all of his savings into. And right now they're covering the craziness that is in the white hot sport that is F1 racing and they tune into every race. That's how you do a pitch. Yeah, that's right there.

And then you watch these guys who don't really know much about the sport, talk about the sport and guess upon everything that's happening and stumbled through tire strategy teams and everything. So all things have one. You've got some stuff. I'm just waiting for more butt stuff talk. Yeah. We all want to get there. I thought about when Randy Johnson threw a pitch and eviscerated a bird two days ago, I just driving saw a bird and I thought, Randy Johnson.

Yeah, it just it just come into pepper. It just comes into your head when you look up and see a bird once in a while. You're like, a man killed the bird with a baseball. With a big every time I've been to a game, I went to a Guardians game on Saturday. I was out there in the outfield. I'm like, man, Randy Johnson did kill a bird in the middle of this in the middle of the basement. Walking around like a regular man right now.

What the talk about the worst luck for a bird ever. He's just flying. He's just flying through a stadium. Having a good time. Known that we were on a bad timeline when that we should have been like, we got to start changing some stuff. We're pictures of killing birds with baseballs now. This is not good.

All right, Ryan, well, you're in our world now. You're not in the world of Formula One racing. You're in our world now. Wait, I can't hear you, Ryan. And I think that's good, honestly. Ryan, you're muted again. You're muted. Ryan, occasionally-

Here we go. Sorry about that. Ryan, his computer mutes him just because it doesn't want to hear a back and forth between you two. And it's upset by what you're doing, Jared. That's one of the few things that AI has gotten right, is stepping in when there's bits. Ryan, how we like to start this is that Dave has picked out this stupid newspaper and you and I are gonna guess what year it's from. The winner gets $100, whoever's closest, and it's not price is right rules, you are allowed to

go over it, whoever's closest, but you do get $100 if you get it right. By the way, don't be one of those dicks who's like where's that money if two months from now there's no follow-up um just be cool yeah um so uh i'll send an email right now hold on you will not uh so this put your hands down so this could be from uh the 1700s the 1800s could be the 1900s from the 1700s, the 1800s, could be the 1900s. But I just want you to pick a year. What's your gut? What's your hole telling you? Why? What are you doing?

Is your but Oracle wants a 1954. Interesting. I don't think you're right. I think it's 1888. Oh, man. Ryan wins. It is 1885. Shut the fuck up. Why do you do this? What do you mean? I'm three years off. Ryan, I've actually guessed it right before and lost.

So I saw Dave Hill here within a year. Yeah. Ryan had a five in his and that's how we were judging it today. Oh. It was a five. August 15th's how we were judging it today. Oh Five August 15 August 15th 1885 That's how we keep the the the guessing game fresh is by having Different ways that you can get closest to the number August 15th 1885 the Tarkio avalanche Tarkio, Missouri Which I don't think is a place place I've never heard of it. I don't know. I was in Timonium.

Oh, no, that's Maryland. Whatever. Who gives a shit? Doesn't matter. I'm actually confused. I'm a lot of people. A lot of people confuse Maryland in Missouri. They have ends. They're states. There's a lot of Missouri. Is Missouri the worst state in the country?

No, it isn't. What is? I don't know. have ends. They're states. There's a lot of Missouri. Is Missouri the worst state in the country? No, it isn't. What is? I don't know. I would say if you look at statistics, it's Mississippi. But as far as anecdotal, I'm still sticking with Arizona. You suck, Arizona. I don't know. It's a, it's a tough one for me because Florida is pretty, pretty grotesque.

I just went to Florida and I did not want, I wanted to go in with my bias, just a wagon. And I was like, I don't hate it. It is a nice tropical place. It's the people that's the problem, but not all the people are bad. There's, it's not a huge. It's a vast state on top of it. It's a lot, it's big. It's a vast state. They've done a ton of gerrymandering. I actually met him when I was out there. He's good.

Yeah. He's good. He's sexy. Yeah. All right. So Timonium Maryland. I'll just leave it. I'll leave it at Oklahoma then.

A full grown fraud. I really thought you were going to say frog and that was also exciting. But go ahead. A full grown fraud. A writer. I thought you were going to say frog and that was also exciting. But go ahead. Wouldn't that have been good? A writer in the Harrelson in Georgia banner. Sorry. Thus exposes one of the most transparent frauds of the age.

I hear in and hereby take occasion to expose another one of the frauds that is being daily and hourly perpetrated on our unsuspecting men. Poor men. Finally. Poor men. Sweet little men. I say men for the reason that the women have got better sense than to be victimized by

it. Oh, come on. It's a double whammy on the man. I allude to the shirt that is made wrong side foremost with a back alley to it, split open on the south side, not even a window in front. Ryan shirt with a back alley. Come on, buddy. I mean, this this sounds like this fashion statement, whatever.

It sounds like it's a reverse cape that this guy's upset about, right? It is a little apron. Oh, yeah, that's interesting. A reverse cape. So made wrong side foremost with a back alley to it. Split open on the south side, not even a window in the front. That is- Yeah, so it's a drape. Yeah, you're right.

It sounds like a reverse cape. Yeah. Which is a look. But this person is correct to start out the paper about this, if that's what's going on. Well, I don't know. I mean, again- It's a useless shirt. Yeah, it's Gareth.

I don't know. What are you doing? I don't sure shame here. I just want you guys are sure. Chaining so. As a fraud, I align it alongside a circus show. Hidden heart. This is a shirt circus, a circus. It keeps out the air on the front side in and is about.

Well, that's a big complaint I have is air. The air contacts with a. Frontside, but what about the backside, Gareth? Well, the back's cold. Total ventilation. Yeah, exactly. It's sort of seven year itching. I listen, you know me.

I hate pants. But I want that air blocked. You're a hot back guy. I'm a big hot back guy. Yeah, I'm the same. Very gross. I like a hot back. OK.

It keeps out the air on the front side and is about all it does keep out for the fleas, red bugs, etc. Walk in at the back door. And when they once get there, they're at home till Sunday, at least. So this man takes. I mean, it sounds like a red bug. I mean, it sounds like a red bug. It sounds like just infested. This man is just infested with mites and ticks and.

Oh, it is a mite and his only defense is a shirt. I mean, so he's got this man has not found pants. Correct? Yeah. Well, these are what he's we're talking about his upper half. So the pants don't matter. He's not. He's not sure. Cape. Yeah, he does. He's wearing a reverse cape as Ryan is pointed out.

He keep but he keeps saying back door. Is he mad that he bought it? I think he's he is. I think he has buyers. This is is this a letter to is this like early Yelp right now? Is he mad that he bought it? I think he is. I think he has buyer's remorse. Is this a letter to... is this like early Yelp right now? Like he's letting people know these shirts are not bullshit? He's leaving a review on like Target website or whatever.

Which are... by the way, that should just be a hobby. If we ever get any time to just go on Target and just read the angry comments. Oh my God. The operation can't be successfully performed with, oh wait, what a luxury it is to scratch. The operation can't be successfully performed with a locust back shirt on. I was about to forget to tell you that I have one. Gareth already clued that in because you were yelling about it. That's pretty obvious. He knows everything about it. It is nearly worn out and I'm glad of it too. How do you wear out of back this shirt?

So he wore it so much that it's toast. And he's like, this shirt sucks. I don't think they had a lot of clothes back then. So you got a shirt. You're like, this is my shirt. Yeah. This shirt took, uh, this shirt took three months to get knitted. So I got to stick with it.

Yeah. What do you have on? There wasn't yet. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.. I don't like, this is my shirt. Yeah, this shirt took this shirt took three months to get knitted. So I gotta stick with it.

Yeah. Well, there wasn't yet. Well, there weren't that mean they weren't it wasn't mass manufacturing of clothes yet. So someone did have to sew it. How are we worship? River? Yeah, we're probably Well, no, they have worship tub. Yeah, every time I had a worst tub, a scrubbing no, they have a worship tub. You ever have a worst tub? OK, a scrubbing bowl. Low tide. They would be watching low tide. That's right. That's what I meant. That's good.

I am nearly worn out, too. Last Tuesday. Done. By the way, I'm I'm done with this. What's great about this is my back is burning all covered bugs. It's almost like Frank just button it up in the back. Yeah, just there's a Maybe turn it around so it's in front. Yeah Then it's like a thing we have already and stop writing a letter cuz having this conversation with it was like I just I'm fixing it

There's no way out. I got my way out of the back door. Over. Last Tuesday, it was cloudy, and that is the time when we went. When we town fellows hoe our gardens, I hoed mine. I hoed a while with my coat on, got hot too, and pulled it off. Soon got on my vest and went at it right. About three o'clock my friend, John Baskin,

who was hoeing his garden about 100 yards off, hallowed out, hello Squy-O, your back is mighty red. I felt round and sure enough, it was so sore, I had to quit work and go to the house and it's been getting sore ever since. And Dr. Fitt says when I get a brand new hide on my back he hopes I'll take better care of it. I think this person might be just clinically in pain for the time. Is this the report of the world's first sunburn? I mean it's a guy who doesn't understand when your skin grows back. No, like a new like rawhide or something to put on his like some leathery back.

Ryan, it's around this time when I like to remind you that this is the first article in a newspaper. Okay. Okay. This is the lead out as a guy who got infested with bugs like it Oh, this is a top story. This is the number one story in the okay. All right It's about a guy who if that's with bugs and then severely burned can we really get a picture of this shirt because the the the it fully turned into smock for me during this explanation that he's out there naked in a and just a

Front case like I think that's the best definition. Well, it's like they put a hospital gown on him, right? Yes Yes, that's what I'm picturing and he's just out there nude ho and and he got hit and burned How and and he got hit and burned. Because he never names the shirt, it's not it doesn't have a name. I think it's on Tuckett. The smallest baby news story. I would have led with that. I agree She lives in Philadelphia, but the first one was full-grown fraud. So there everything is like size is a grabber

It's about size Her height is but a trifle over five and a half inches and her weight less than three pounds. Well, I'm sorry This is not okay. Yeah. Well, hold on Well, I'm sorry, this is not OK. Yeah. Well, hold on. Fetus. She is round, plump, and shapely, as bright as a new dollar and sound as a drum. So she's just a healthy, tiny baby.

I don't. At five inches in height. She's a healthy, tiny baby. Five inches and three pounds? Sometimes they come out small. That's an action figure. Maybe they didn't realize that. And she doesn't move. but she sits on the mantle.

Oh, well where you put a baby is where you want to put it on the mantle. Have I introduced you to my daughter Ruth? Her name is Decora. Her name is Decora Mabel Summers. In spite of her diminutive size, Miss Summers has a robust- The idea of calling a premature fetus just- I don't think she's premature.

I don't know what she is, but she ain't born, she ain't alive. In spite of her diminutive size, Miss Summers has a robust voice, which can be heard from the garret to the cellar without straining an ear. And her physician declares she is as healthy a child as he has ever met in the whole course of his professional career. So she's fine. She's just small. You have a bias against tiny babies. I mean, I guess we were smaller back before like, you know, health and medicine and, guess we were smaller back before like, you know, health and medicine and, uh, and, uh,

essentially back in the 1800s, we were all three apples tall. If we're talking about maybe scale. He's right. Back then, we were all three apples tall. He's correct. And we sat on the mantle when we were born. That's where they were. You don't mantle crab apples. I'm not even going to get into it. We were, we were known as mantlers. This baby is not, first of all, this baby is not three apples tall. So even with our new way of thinking, no.

No, she's exactly, why would a five and a half inches, that's three apples if you got some sweet apples. What kind of apples are you talking about? Where do you get your apples? First of all, I'm talking about a Honeycrisp. Well then, this baby is one Honeycrisp height. You are out of your tits, sir. Yeah. No. Yes. No, sir.

Yes, sir. That is insane. You are insane. Her mother, Ms. Mary Emma Summers, is a strong and healthy woman, 35 years, who is also the mother of five other children all good size. Her father, Harry, is a barber by trade, and when questioned about his youngest daughter, he said, quote, yes, she is a little tot, and I have been advised to exhibit her about the country as a curiosity.

The doctor, the doctor shares me she will never attain any size. She is now the smallest baby that ever is known to live. This, this, none of this is till the end of this week. The tour ends Friday when she will. Come on down. Hurry. By the way, if you got a cold to get in nice and close, this girl's got an immune system that's roaring. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh She got thicker. We should be doing venues. She's growing wider, Gareth. What does that even mean?

She's just putting on weight. Putting on some weight. So she's just becoming a lion? Well, she's doing what she's supposed to do. She's an ear of corn? You're so anti-tiny baby. Stop. Don't shame me for being anti-baby.

Immediately after she was born, I weighed her and she scarcely pulled the scale down to the 2 pound mark. Today she is just 2 pounds and 3 quarters, and that includes her clothing. She was born on Decoration Day. That's why we call her Decora. Fatty. That's right if there was child protective services they would be stepping in back then Oh, you're looking at the Cora and trying to find some sort of yeah, nothing comes up except for this new story This is not real this is just a way to sell tickets to some bullshit. And then you think that there's like a doll instead of a. Yeah, it's like a dimly lit dime store room

where they're just like, get, stay there now. Don't get closer. Decor is crabby. OK, here's a story from months later. I can't look at this one. And it's in Australia. So they're talking about in Australia now. Is that the role of Decora?

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to say, but that's it. Do you need me to say anything? Because I'll tell you that it's totally bullshit. What we don't like is naysayers on this podcast. Is that right?

Ryan, thoughts? The child, real, fake? Look, I think it's the best part is that, look, we're going to get her out working. She's going to go into showbiz real quick. And if she doesn't, if she doesn't, she's going to get into the factory and start making these backless shirts Right little decor in a factory. She's got tiny

She's got tiny hands. She didn't make the buttons. Excuse me I just You know what? This is not an Anti-Tony Baby podcast. I see you guys at the saloon. I go there to get a bunch of drink. Hey, let's bang some, let's bang some of those workers at the saloon.

The fuck? Hmm, what's the corner? I'm full of salt now. You're gonna take so much heat for this episode, I'm right there for it. I don't know if I should be working with coal. I'm episode, I'm right there for it. I don't know if I should be working with Cole. I'm starting the subreddit thread.

Oh, go, go. Yeah. Go. Me. Go. Barbara Fisher, the witch of the Allegheny Mountains. Hmm? Ego on.

The bringing of a lawsuit in a justice's court in one of the back regions of this country by a young man against his mother to recover damages for the loss of a dog, which he claims she bewitched so that it ran in a circle until it died with exhaustion. Dog got sick, which did it? No, the dog ran in circles until it died. Right. I mean.

Which is unusual. Yeah. To burn a witch. I've heard of that, but to sue a witch. It's America. Yeah. You throw a witch in water and if she starts swimming, you sewer. You never heard about the third option. Sueing a witch. It is brought in. Notice that. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Which is court. We're going to break. That's going to happen. There's going to be a witch. Yeah, there's going, which is court. We're going to break. That's going to happen. There's going to be a witch. Yep. There's going to be witches court. So it seemed like the judge didn't really want to hear what you were saying, even though you had receipts. Well, he'll see one day. We'll show him.

Is this your going to turn green? So where am I? Okay. Oh, sorry. It brought it noticed that the fact that there is an almost general belief of witchcraft, charms and magic spells among the farming population in those isolated localities. So blaming poor crops on witchcraft. And dying dogs and whatnot. Right, yeah.

And that there are many old women who are regularly consulted by young and old and in whose arts and supernatural powers they put the greatest faith. I mean, what's the difference between- Any old woman was a witch. Yeah. But what's the difference between going to a church and-

Right, and if the crops ain't growing, it's not the water that's not falling from the sky, it's the witch. We've alluded to this before. Every time. How long until this country country because of crop failure Starts doing a version of this. Oh not long Under let's say we're on track 12 years over under yeah, I say I see evils responsible for it I say under under 12 years into yeah, I think under

Because the Ryan's right it'll be evil at first, and then you have to find a source for the evil. Always. That's the best. I mean, at the trial or lawsuit mentioned several of these witch women testified in the case, and the curious and absurd beliefs they profess were given in great detail. The principal one and the one most sought for advice and counsel is Barbara Fisher who lives in the drunkard settlement five miles from Reinholdsville. I think a drunkard settlement are prohibitionists. Oh, I think completely.

prohibitionists oh I think completely that went from where I wanted to go to where I'd never be right yeah but I'm pretty sure that's what it is but I could be wrong but I um is she lives in a small cabin in the mountains she's 80 years old she's bent and gray well you don't want to be gray that's grace which Oh, that's textbook witch. Bench, gray, cabin, woods. The cops for filing the report. I mean, pretty obvious what's going on here. She's bench, she's gray. She's got a broom in her house.

We know what we're doing. Lives alone, woods. Cabin. Cabin. Check, check. Come on here. What are you doing here? But she is still active and well-preserved.

Ma'am, where are your potions, please? You got any potions in here? Not really, but I guess you could look under the bed. There might be something. Johnson, check it out. She's got a broom. Yeah, she's got a broom. I sweep.

Is this your cat, ma'am? Yes. Put your hands behind your back. What? You are under arrest for presumption of witchcraft. She is still active and well preserved. She's well preserved like a five and a half inch baby. Hello.

She is shrewd, she's a shrewd cunning old woman and lives alone. She's so independent that she will take. Hmm. He's really, Ryan's really. Cunning, shrewd cunning. I'm seeing the evolution of a slur in the very beginning. How can I shorten that down?

How do I get that? And just like landed on a hard tee. How do I do that? We're seeing the beginnings of it. Cunning is so cumbersome. So cumbersome. Shrewd cunning. She's so independent that she will take the case of no one who is a neighbor to her or who thinks

she lives in any large town unless the applicant only wants her to treat for a common ailment, requiring no wonder working. So an old woman who wants to be left alone unless you have a health question is a witch. And then doesn't want like people from other towns, like cities coming. Yeah. She's like, leave me alone.

Doesn't want annoying people to come up to her, which I will say. The next time I get my oil changed and they try to upsell me, I'm going to be like, no wonder working. Yeah, no wonder. Leave that out. Just the oil change. Yeah. A sufferer. A sufferer from hurts, fits, burns and similar ailments, she will treat it once.

And men, women and children come from far and near to seek her aid. Hey, you that lady that fixes fits and burns? Yeah. Ah, thank you. It is taken to Dame Fisher. If a farmer has a horse stolen, the first thing he does is to consult the old woman and implore her to aid him. Can I borrow a moment of your time?

My shirt is so long in the front and the back is like, I just have covered in bugs. You did this. I turn it around. Oh, my God, a witch. And implore her to aid him in recovering the lost animal and detecting the thief. If there's trouble with cattle, if crops look bad, her aid is the first thing sought.

So she stands right. She's like a very good witch. Yeah. Yeah, she's just helping people. And one dog spun a few times and died and now we're getting out of here. Well. I think that's what happens when a dog has like

brain issues. The dog just has brain worms. Yeah, the dog had like a brain issue I've I've never heard of that. Is that actually a thing where they run around? Yeah No, no good you're all the goodest dog sometimes you get a couple uh, you know, yeah Yeah, a couple weird with dogs Yeah, there's some parasite dogs. Yeah, but you still I mean, what are a couple of weird wood dogs. Yeah. There's some parasite dogs.

Yeah, but you still I mean, what are you going to do? You don't you know, what are you going to do? There's bad dogs. There's bad dogs. Take it to the witch vet. Wow. Reddit is on fire with your shit. You are so red and fucked right now.

What are you doing? This is recorded. This is recorded. This is recorded. I love when people are like, there are no bad dogs. And then that's the way people raise them. Right. So they were raised. They were raised to be bad.

Yeah. Like criminals. It's a it's a classic nature versus nurture. Which I love. But I but you can. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you can, yeah. Yeah, but you can raise a dog to be a bad dog. Get him, Reddit. She stands, I don't know what it is, she stands it ready any time to extend her aid,

and if she fails, it is attributed unanimously to a lack of faith in her on the part of the person she's working with. So it's just like church. In her healing operation, she has no medicines, but depends upon her charms. Her pow-wows consist of breathing on the afflicted part, waving the hand over it and accompanied by a few muttered words. I know where Ryan would say hurt. Yeah. My butthole would say hurt. Yeah. Say it.

My butthole hurts. Butthole. Say it. Say my butthole hurts. Say it, go in and say it like you mean it. Yeah. Whisper it, whisper it, get closer. Yelling it like a mine, there's an echo.

She's only one of many witch women who are consulted by their credulous neighbors. It feels like they were just like the preferred term is witch women. Most of these women live alone. Each has a mysterious book, sorry, mystery book, which is an ancient volume printed in the printed in the German language. Oh, they're German. Which is consulted when charms are to be worked. Old mother Rosk who lives in Reinholdsville had the entire farm nursery rhyme start.

It's terrible. It's terrible. That guy was like, I should probably rethink this opening. That is fucking chaotic. Had the entire farming neighborhood working every night for weeks in search of gold. That's not a witch. That's a slave owner. That's like somebody that's just, that's someone who's just putting

people to fucking work. She's a witch. And when they failed to find it, she gave as a reason that some of them had a cow with blood in its horn and until that could be found and killed and the blood drawn from the horn and spilled on the ground in the moon's third quarter, it would be useless to look further for the treasure. I know she was right. I know we couldn't find any

Let me ask a crazy question Does anyone have a cow with blood in its horn? Cuz if so, we're gonna have to wait Oh Christ Yeah, that's right. I'm keeping the dead. That's I've been keeping the blood That's just Strange and Oh, that's just strange. And why was I supposed to do that? Would be why you get that.

All right. Well, we just have to wait three quarters or something now. Whatever. Nobody told me that's going to stop the gold price. Ted. I got to tell you, the bloodhorn thing sounds like a stall tactic until you find gold. I think that's right. Yeah. I think that's right. Yeah. I think that's something you just keep adding on to. Oh, you found the blood horn? Was it a brown cow?

No. See? Spots? Does that...no? Two spots. Ah, yeah. Got to need five of those. Keep digging, yeah. Oh, okay. Gotta need five of those. Oh. Keep digging, boys. So this goes on and on, so I'm gonna cut to the end because it's just giving examples of what witches do,

but in the potency of the witch Hazel, the Wonderworkers chiefly rely, it is burned to ashes in the blossoms used. Young women carry its leaves in their bosoms as a love charm and sleep with them under their pillows to make their dream, to make the dream of their lovers. But of the persons who testified in the lawsuit, only one said he had never had a relative bewitched. The witness who testified in- A fucking criminal lawsuit against witches is such a great time.

It's great. Law we figured out, but superstition remains. We are suing witches. The witness who testified in behalf of the person who claimed his dog had been bewitched declared that since he had sided with him, his well had gone dry, his cow gave bloody milk and his three weeks baby had refused to be suckled and he expected it to die at any time. The justice of the peace in. He's on a bad run.

Yeah. I mean, also he has no water. Yeah. No. I mean, I'll just go back to the water. Yeah. Well, the baby won't suckle here. I'll get some milk from the cow.

Oh, it's blood. Oh, it's blood. It's blood. It. No. I mean, I'll just go back into water. Yeah. Well, the baby would suck. Oh, here I'll get some milk from the cow. Oh, it's blood. Oh. The justice of the peace endeavor to ridicule the idea of witchcraft to the people present. But they insisted in their belief, and he gave the owner of the dog a judgment of three dollars for the loss of his dog, the woman admitting that she had dosed it to death.

Oh, shit. Well, OK. I guess that's an open and shutter right there. Who'd have thought? You'd think there'd be a little cross-examination. Quite a twist at the end there. All right, I poisoned it. All right, give him $3.

We can all go home. I mean. Pretty expensive dog for back in the day. Three dollars. Yeah, absolutely. That is an expensive dog. Yeah, it's a real expense. I think that's like I thought there's a horse cost. Yeah. Well, listen to you with your fucking riot.

Three dollars, man. Back then, they could get a horse for a dog. You know, horse for that cash and a barn door. You could probably get a house for that over for a house. Yeah, it might have been a great dog. That makes a lot more sense. Let me look it up. Three dollars and eighteen eighty five.

I'll say it was yes. I'll say it was a hundred dollars. No, I'll say it was fifty dollars. Now it's going to be like four thousand. No, I'll say it's $50. No, it's gonna be like 4,000 It is to calculate oh no, it's it's $99 4001s printed that year.

That's it. They call I first of all, Ryan, I'm the human calculator of the show, so we will edit this part out. We can have you. I bring my good name. No, we're not going to do that. Yeah, we will cut this out. No, no. You came in green today.

Secretary Endicott Seems to be the right man in the right place He has just decreed that all the military dudes who have been sitting around in the eastern cities in soft places She'll go to the front and do a little active service Yeah, man, or second round up round up people who aren't white. So wait, wait. Yeah. Yeah. What I'm saying is we're saying the same thing.

These guys are hanging around. We should put them to use. Separate. Oh, you're talking about now that that was this was all cool back then. Not now. Yeah. So the different time. Yeah, this is when the white people should have been rounded up by a group and stopped for illegal immigration. We were involved in Panama, Haiti.

Yeah, and the Sino-French War, which included battles in Vietnam. We had a little bit of stuff going on there. Oh, and the Apache, the Apache conflict. So yeah, we were doing our stuff. I bet that's about the Apaches, I would imagine, because they said Eastern cities, you know? Yeah, I was, Ryan, you thinking Apaches? I'm thinking Apaches, yeah.

Definitely, it's no Navajo, think in Apaches. Yeah, definitely. It's nice. No Navajo, but definitely a patchy's. Yeah. Thus Apache conflict. Bingo. Agreed, Dave. We, uh, yep. We come back with a affirmative. Devachy. Here's just a little blurb. The Institute is booming. And so is the girls blooming

Well water, huh? Well, there there some little teenies outside, little teeny girls. Why are you rubbing all over your seats? Teenagers, young women running around out front of the newspaper. I'm going to put a little blurb in here about it. They're blooming. OK, why are you so out of breath? You're gassed. Why are you hollering? It's like running. OK. Hey, you're gassed. Why you?

It's like running. Okay. Watching them is like, it's like running through a field. Lay down, lay down. Don't write anything for a little while. Sleep. Okay. There you go.

Damn. There you go. All right. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Damn. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. God damn. I'm going to buy it. I'm going to blow the lights out here. I'm still. All right. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh It seems weird to call him hot. I think he's I think he's the Institute is booming. OK, so that's like something is taken off, right?

And so is the girls blooming. So he's got to say that the girls are becoming women, right? I think that's what I don't think there can be any other interpretation. Unless they're actually here. Unless it's like a last of us thing and there are some fungi hitting and the girls are actually becoming flowery because the fungus is manifesting within them and turning them into a plant kind of thing. I've watched The Last of Us and I'm lost Ryan thought.

Well it's a terrible, terrible, terrible show. Because it was sundress season. That's what I was getting out of it. Yeah, that's how I feel. I don't think the fungus stuff is. I think the fungus in The Last of Us is in the writers room. Yeah, might as well. Dr. A.D. Gillum is gone.

Fuck. Too soon. We only mention this fact for the fear that there may be some who did not know that he was here. That's a little rough. Yeah. So for those who are just finding out what a rollercoaster. It is a guy and he's gone. Yeah, you could have been going to a doctor this whole time, but you chose a witch. Instead, you've been digging gold at the witch's house.

I didn't know it was Macau. Doctor right down the street. It is a small loss that he's gone and a small loss to those who did not know he was here. He came here several months ago and started a pro- obituary? He started a prohibition drug. It's not an obituary. Okay. Sounded like he started a prohibition drug store with a view of catching the prohibition trade and medical practice. So he's trying to start an alcohol-free drug store Drugstore. I see this is run sore. People must have gone in to get a drink or maybe we're also talking about was pro the prohibition include like heroin and hilarious.

Opium hilarious if they're like booze is doing it now. Yeah, john, shoot up. I bet it would I bet it included opium and cocaine. I wonder. I think that would, I bet it included opium and cocaine. I wonder. I think that would maybe be seen as medical. So he got neither. The prohibitionist traded to the other drug stores and failed to employ him in sickness.

And so the doctor shook the dust of Tarkio from his feet, taking all of his fanaticism with him. The prohibition cause will be gainer by his absence. The doctor made the assertion in summer that if he had a drop of Missouri blood in his veins, he would cut it out. So he's not happy. That means this place sucks. Sounds kind of like.

But I've said that about Missouri. We, we've driven through there and you've tried to cut out whatever part of you. They're a little, uh. Is that it? That is an obituary. It's a real. No, no. We suppose that after he gets across the line, he will take a course of turkish

baths or go to some other cleansing process in order to purify himself. Goodbye, doctor. Your short residence in Missouri may have taught you a valuable lesson after all. So he rolled in with like a he's like, these people will enjoy my my prohibition business and people like, nah, we're good. And then he left and these, the newspaper is upset about it. Super weird article. Super weird.

Sometimes. Not necessary. Yeah, like. Philip. Yeah, kind of like, I guess goodbye to the dick doctor who was here. He's out. Yeah. And I guess he's taking Dick Doctor who is here. He's out. He's out.

And I guess he's taking his lame store that sucks with him. Yeah, his shit store. So this guy had a personal problem with him and his. Yeah, it sounds personal. It does. Yeah, this is very personal. A lot of power hungry editor at this at this rag. That's right.

Peoria enterprise. Talking about bed bugs, said a fat drummer from New York. Jesus. You guys, what are you guys talking about? Infestation. Talking about bed bugs. Tell you, I've had my share of experience with them. You've heard of bed bugs coming down to the hotel register and looking to see what rooms guests were assigned to, haven't you?

Well, I was the man who discovered that. Okay, so he stayed in a hotel that had bed bugs. Yeah. How great is it that bed bugs have like hung around for that? They're timeless. Well, like, and then we're still like these fucking assholes. You got there a real problem today in many major cities. They are a huge comeback.

Absolutely. Yes. And they are in New York. They like get into stores. Yeah. Like department stores and stuff. And yeah, that's just heaven for bed bugs. Going into like a New York store, like boys, we eatin'.

Well, I was the man who discovered that. Then you've heard of the bed bugs that got into a bed, the legs of which were set in pans of water, I suppose. They climbed up to the ceiling and dropped down on their victims. So there's a theory that you put the legs of the bed in like water cups and that prevent like they're on it. It's like you moat the legs of your head. I think that was an impossibly. Yeah. And that's correct. They deserve it. They're on. They do.

Give it up. Let them suck the blood. Let them go. Yeah. Let them feast on your back. Yeah. Yeah, that was how they thought to stop. Ed bugs was to put something on. I don't hate it. The I wouldn't say no to it, as I don't know how to stop.

Ed bugs outside of not being gross. You ever had Ryan? I didn't say no to it as I don't know how to stop bed bugs outside of not being gross. You ever had them, Ryan? No, but I've seen them in many high quality hotel rooms. I've stayed there. Had them really? Oh yeah, like literally like. Do you check? Oh yeah. I check. Oh, of course. Hotel beds are literally the most disgusting things

on the face of the planet. I looked at the corners of the bed. But on the sheets, literally on, yeah. Yeah, you lift the sheets up. Yeah, it's gross. The sheets or the sheets the bed. Behind the sheets. Literally on, yeah. Yeah, you lift the sheets up. Yeah, it's gross. The sheets are the sheets. The sheets and the sheets. What do you do if you find them? You report what's going on

and you probably don't end up sleeping on that bed that night. The whole hotel's like, I had ants in my room once and I called down and I was like, it was like real bad and the guy comes up, he's like, so we're going to raid the room. You want to stay out for like 45 minutes? Actually, I'm going to put my foot down here and say, I'm going to need to be relocated in this establishment. Yeah.

Raid the room. No. So I stayed in actually where the story is from Peoria. I was doing a comedy club there and I was in a hotel room and I woke up at night and I turned on the light and the floor was covered in weird bugs and I was just like, what in the fuck? I mean, I have no idea what they were,

but they were just all, I mean, I was just like, oh, these things come at night. Like, this is just a thing that happens. They're like, oh, these things come at night. Like, this is a, this is just a thing that happens. They're not here tonight. These bugs come at night. So I grabbed all my shit and went out, but like. We're just not. The lady was just like, yeah,

we'll put you in another room. I was like, so you knew, you knew. That was the same. That was the ants. The ants thing was how much they were like, oh yeah, we got a whole protocol for ants. I was like, some fucking dude just comes here and sprays raid. Fix it. The thing about the hotel model is that you really think any complaint you're like,

you can't. Yeah, you're going to be gone in two days. Yeah. It takes three days to solve it. You're like, you're not going to do shit. You really can't think very much about what happens in a hotel. No, no. You just got to go in there and sleep. That's just plow through it. Yeah. Howie Mandel was right.

He wasn't right about a lot, but hotel living, he seemed to be right. He just, it just would make roads of towels everywhere. Yeah. I mean, I get it. I do too. I knew somebody who used to bring flip-flops to take showers and walk around the bathroom in. That's not a bad idea.

I know somebody who brings the Ziploc bag to put the remote in just to use the remote. Because he said that's the dirtiest thing in the whole hotel room. That is the dirtiest thing. Yeah. See, I used to hand sanitize the remote and I've stopped. I should go back to that. That's what we're saying here.

Right? Great. Giving you more neuroses to go forward with. Yeah. I think this is what I need. More protocols. I try to come on the ceiling. All right, everybody. That's the past.

Well, I am the very man this is he's talking about them dropping down from the ceiling. Well, I am the very man they lit on, but that's nothing compared to an experience I had a few weeks ago down at Peoria. Never saw such enterprising bugs as there are in that town. Me too! Dave, is your brother. I'm with this guy. Going down to the hotel register is an old game with them

and about played out. Yes, this is my experience. Do you know, Dave, your alarm, take your pills. Do you know how crazy it your alarm, take your pills. Do you know how crazy it is that I've never thought about how back then you always had to go to the front? Like you'd be on like, yeah, like, here we go. If it wasn't fixed, you'd be like, you see, there are so many infernal bugs, many bugs in the hotels there that competition is pretty strong and the bug that depends on the register for a living is going to get

left. All the wide awake business like Prosperous Bugs and Peoria accompany guests to the depot and they're run up and down the platform, watching which hotel bus gets the most in the incoming passengers and the fast ones. So they're saying the same thing that are they saying the bugs leave Piora with. The guests. I thought I guess maybe they are. It definitely sounds like the Bugs are staking out doing their homework.

That is the bus they get into, yeah. Feel like they mentioned up top that the Bugs actually kind of checked into their own room at the hotel. Yeah. Like as guests. And probably they had a credit card. I love that too. Yeah.

Also fun. I know this to be a fact because I am one of the fattest men on the road, but he's talking about fat with bugs. I think I have a wealth of bugs. I'm a train wreck man. I'm 8,000 bed bugs in a man outfit. You think you have bugs? I have a gross of bugs sitting next to him on a bus. Excuse me, ma'am. Oh, my God. Will you ring the bells of the bus stop? I got to get to Peoria. Bugs coming out of his mouth.

Well, then. Albert, the elephant, the elephant, Albert of the Barnum show, who was shot a few days ago because he had killed his keeper. Christ. He's a murderer, Gareth. I do love that, how it's like if an animal in enclosure attacks a human, we're like, well, this thing's crazy.

This animal's a troll. But then they didn't, isn't that what they didn't do with the orcas? They would just ship them around. I think they're still doing it. I think they're still shipping killer orcas like around to other places and then they kill other people. I think that's right. Well, I remember that. Yeah, they definitely ship them around,

but I don't I mean, their life, it's and I think I do think about the fact all the time that Blackfish came out. We were all like, what the fuck? And now SeaWorld's back on air. Like, come on down. It's like, we got a roller coaster now. Yeah, we're expanding. And you're like, well, the one thing will ever stop.

The one in Vallejo had to close down. Now it's we had one in Cleveland theme park. We had a SeaWorld in Cleveland. Did you know that? That's the set. I mean, I'm not. I used to work there. What did you do there? I was in guest relations. I did not clean the

bone. I was in guest relations. Is this where the asshole stuff comes from? There was a year where one of the ski boats lost control and flew into the audience and basically up somebody's nose. What? That's a true story. What did you do? You know, I was there. Jason Dallas was there. He worked alongside with me. How did you? Well, I wasn't luckily. I was off that day.

My buddy Jason. What a great. It was a nightmare. It was it was a massacre. It was national news at the time, and which was it was since there was no Internet at the time, there was barely Internet. This was a national news story. Ski boat goes into stands.

I was that was that is that what stopped the sea world in Cleveland? No, I don't know what it stopped, but I'm watching. It's very odd that we have a sea world in Cleveland. There's a video. Yeah, there's video. If anybody wants to Google it, Sea World Boat Accident of 1996 on YouTube, and they go through the whole thing. Sea World, Aurora, Ohio. Families gather for a day of water shows,

dolphin tricks, and killer whales. And for 4,000 visitors, the day wouldn't be complete without a boat show. But as this 18-foot speedboat approaches the crowd, the jet drive housing unit shatters. Suddenly the driver can't steer and he can't stop. The crowd has no chance to react. And you're there.

Well, he had the day off. What a day to miss. No, thank God I missed that day That was a that was a day that an hourly employee shouldn't have to sit there an answer to the wave of people who were traumatized by watching Wow, wow, it's pretty long. So you know, wow, it is a huge thing I'm gonna have to watch it later. It's it's it's a good six minute video. And wow, I'd never heard of that. Oh my God.

Yeah, man. It's fun. That's why you go to SeaWorld. Yeah. And the ribs, because I worked at a rib restaurant there too. You get the ribs. Sorry, I'm gonna have to find some. I'm gonna throw up in a drawer. Working at a rib up in a drawer.

Working at a rib restaurant and see the smokehouse right behind the killer whale stadium. Man, those those animals, those are big fish. I think you all get ribs. Yep. OK, the elephant Albert of the Barnum show, who was shot a few days ago because he had killed his keeper, was given to the Smithsonian Institute by Mr. Barnum. And two of the Institute staff were sent to dissect him. The head and trunk were first removed and then the hide was taken off in two pieces being split in the back and belly, just like a shirt. The hide was in many places an inch and a quarter thick, and the work required nearly three hours.

The skeleton was then need to be an article. Like you could just be like, there's an elephant in the Smithsonian now. The skeleton was then dissected and every bone saved intact. The firing party that executed Albert consisted of 29 men, 12 of whom fired at the heart, and 17 at the head. During the autopsy, six bullets were found in the heart, and they had all been flattened. In the evening, those Epicurean tastes dined on the elephant steak, and— Oh my God! Jesus Christ! And it is reported, that is savage.

It is bad. It is bad. We are bad. I respect them for not wasting me at the same time. I don't know. I mean, like, stop it. We are bad. The guy who's just during I mean, imagine during an autopsy being like, am I crazy to think we should grill this thing up later? No, hold on. It gets worse. And it is reported that many who

many of the diners did not know what they were eating. Pronounced mistake, unusually fine in flavor, but a bit tough. So they didn't tell them what they were feeding them. His T-bones misshapen. These ribs are kind of big. They're big. I mean, it's like eating like the Flintstones. This calamari is very chewy. And man, that's a drink.

Jesus Christ. What's for dessert, elephant ears? You gotta tell. Although, look, if I'm eating meat and I don't know what it is, I'm not eating it. You know what I mean? Like if they're like, yeah, no, go eat the mystery meat. But they're not calling it the mystery meat.

That's the whole thing with when you go to like a restaurant and you're like, mm. When I read this article that calamari was pig anus and there was a whole operation of like that being kind of unearthed. Is that true? Yes. Calamari is pig anus?

In some places they were buying pig anus and just deep frying it like calamari. It can't be. A pig anus would be it. It's like it's like a muscle, it's a sphincter, an anus isn't a little chewy guy. Well, you know, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. I don't know, but there's people. I know a few people who do know. And I got to tell you you their reviews across the board

Calamari and if I could only have cocktail sauce with this was there My god your new drawer to throw up in. I'm sorry. Nobody feels good. Oh my God. Fuck. Ah, fuck. Imagine that text. Hey, that. Can I get a quote? Ah, Dalamare. One more.

Sure. Yeah. Let's let's. A married woman from a mound city was up here not long ago. I'm going to take her to Mound City. Mm hmm. Uh, passing herself off for a single girl. Good for her. Her husband wrote to certain parties there inquiring about her

and asked them to try and influence her or induce her to return to his bed and board. But they never let her know that they were onto the racket. So so she goes to another town to try to have a good time with some fellas. And then her husband finds out and he writes to guys there and he's like, hey, can you and so all these guys she's trying to hit on have a good time with her like, you know what, you should go back. You should go back to Mount City. So your husband, Romeo, you should go home.

No, they were all like, oh, this lady's here to have a good time. Yeah, I'd be like, go to go to your husband wrote me a letter, you should go home. No, they were all like, oh, this lady's here to have a good time. Yeah. Guaranteed. It's the same way I'd be like, go to your husband. About two weeks ago, she left on a southbound train, and it is to be hoped that she returned to the arms of her despairing hubby.

Yep. No way. What happened at all? The first hot wife. Mm, agreed. I mean, how long does it take you to figure out that she's cheating on you? Like, is it the first time she's gone for days on end

and then comes back by train? I mean, it's got to be a while. That something seems suspicious in a time before almost travel? And women not probably leaving without granted permission regularly. Yeah. Boy, you sure are going to Mount City a lot. And you've returned with no goods.

Well, salty Dalty, Ryan Dalton, the King of Cleveland. Thank you for joining us. Expect the $100. Exciting. Exciting. People should go. Where can people, you want to drop a website one more time just so people know where to go?

Worldamonazuma.com is our brand there and you can go see the Formula Funcast there and you can go see, you can see the formula funcast there. And we stream live every race day on all the platforms, all the places you can stream your YouTube's your X's your kick, your kick, kick, uh, tick tock. And we stream, we stream the live race days and then, uh, post the stuff to YouTube and then all the socials and stuff like that. So, and Gareth said he's definitely going all the socials and stuff like that. And Gareth said he's definitely gonna do it and that's exciting. David's on the fence, I can see that.

I can see that by his pensive look. But I don't blame him, but Gareth said he's definitely gonna do it. I'm in. And don't contact me. Oh, I'm contacting you. Well, Ryan, we live in hell, but it was nice to escape an hour with you. Yeah.

Thank you. I may have added levity to the hour and that will go back to despair. What's on the rest of the day for you today, Ryan? Oh, real cool stuff. Looking at other people's social media to see what they're doing and posting and all sorts of F1. That's fun. It's called research.

It's called researching your competitors. What are you pants or shorts on right now? What are we doing? I'm wearing shorts right now. Boxers or no? I don't wear boxers. I wear boxer briefs. Hey.

Yeah. You got them on? Yeah. Okay. All right, Ryan. We'll see you later. Thank you, Ryan. Thank you.

Bye, buddy. Bye, Ryan. Bye. Bye. Bye. the Hey, dollop fans, I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So, if you want to go watch a five-part animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of The Rube. You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.