The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 136 - The Past Times with James Fritz

Episode Date: August 1, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian James Frtiz. Get James new album "Old Man Yells at Crowd" Mint Mobile

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd will be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. Good, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week. Turning Champion. Beast from the Middle East. James Fritz. I'm the mayor now, dog. Yes, hello, James. Welcome back.

Thanks. Good to see you, boys. How are you? I'm okay. How are you? I'm good. It sounded real, right? I'm okay.

I'm okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't sound like, you don't sound suicidal. No, no, you sound like you're secure. James, you, your album, old man yells crowds. At crowd. At crowd. A crowd.

which is such a funny title. The picture is great. Oh, thanks. You don't know when that's coming out, but that will be coming out. Yeah, it's getting finalized as we speak. You mean you're finishing the material? Yeah, it should be ready, adding a bunch of laughs. That's allowed, right?

They call that sweetening. Yeah, I'm not sweeten this, baby. Yeah, you should. I saw you run it early on, and I would recommend sweetening. Yeah. running into the ground. Am I the only guy who takes out laughs? Oh, you get too many?

I get too many. I think it's a little much, so I'll always take a couple out. Yeah, I mean, I think, like, we don't pander, so I think, yeah, it doesn't really, it's not really a thing for us. You hate success? Yeah, actually, I think. I mean, the way you do it, yeah. When you make that face? Yeah, I hate that.

Oh, am I just me? And I say, oh, is that just me? That's a good one. Is that a foreign character? Or is that just me? By the way, my new special, or is that just me is coming out the day before James is. And my title of my special is, it's me. Oh, no, you motherfucker.

Well, James, you know what we do here. We're going to go through. Clown around. It's a clown around time. I'm assuming your house is skunk free No skunks said in the moment Yeah Okay that's cool

But they raised as red Because they got the skunks out Yeah that's true Well to be fair They've given you They've lived up to their end of the bargain Of not having skunks in your place Yeah, it's been a calendar year

Might as well Price me out of the city I love You're moving into a Winnebago Correct Yeah full of skunks By the way James We just found out on an episode of the past times. Winnebago was actually

an Indian tribe, and we've honored them by naming a traveling toilet after their people. That's right. Isn't that nice? Because we care. Yeah, we love them. It's not nice? I don't think it's very nice. I thought it was nice. That's not okay.

Bro, we gave them Thanksgiving. Was that one of your comedian rhetorical questions? You know, I... Is it just me? Isn't that nice? Is that just me? Is this community brain damaged? Or is that just me?

Oh my lord. What is that? The giant skunk. They raised my rent. So I domesticated mine. Doesn't look like it wants to be there. Yeah, they look happy. He just dated.

He's happy. In a moment, it'll be good. Look at how much he loves the spotlight, though. James, you know what we do here. Uh-huh. We go through a newspaper. It's old. You can tell Dave's into it.

He's yawning. Oh, fuck. What year you think this fucker's from, man? Yeah, just take a guess. Seven. I'm feeling somewhere on the seven, seventeen. I'm sensing like two sevens. I'll say 1737.

You can't jump in what I guess is, I guess is guessing now. So what? He gets 1737. Now you guess a different one. I actually agree with them. I think it's 1737. You can't pick a different one. Out of all the ears.

Let's do months. Let's do months. What month do you think it is in 1737, James? I'm guessing. Guess now. Well, I mean, here's the thing is. It's, yes, it's January. I bet's January. I think it's January, too.

Yeah, James is right. It's January. All right. Guess what year, James? Guess what year in January? Guess what year? 1737. January. Say it now.

Say it now. Now, say it now, Jay. I'm guessing somewhere in the 13s, 13. Yes. How did you do that? I don't know. Psychic. That was amazing.

You know, Dave, is your goal to end the fun warm-up guessing game? Because we might be at the point now where it can't go on. I think it's fun when I nail it exactly. What do you mean? All right. Where's it from? I got the month. Just because you're a baby.

Don't be such a baby. Where's it from? USA, baby. That's where. Sometimes other people win, Gareth. Yeah. You're such a sore loser. Just let

Yeah, maybe say... It's just a really weird way to take out aggression. Maybe play some of those laughs you took out. Play them for yourself right now. You need them. I didn't take any out. I was lying. Oh, no.

Oh, no. It was just, you know. What you heard was as sweet as it got. I don't have won that sweet. All right, Dave, what's the ship pie called? The Virginia Gazette, Williamsburg, Virginia, January 13th, 1737. Times were different. Not a shit pie.

Yeah, not a shit pie. 1737. So this should be quite alienating, I would hope. This is, okay, so this is setting up the story. So, sir. Yes. London, July 21st. James, don't answer that he's reading from it.

Oh. So go ahead. Start again, Dave. The paper addressed people back then? Yes. Hello. Hi. I'm a paper.

Ah, nice to meet you. I'm a man reading you. Harvey, are you okay? Sir, this is sent from London, July 21st, 1737. I send you the enclosed a very remarkable letter concerning the late cruel usage of a poor old woman in Bedfordshire who was suspect. of being a witch. By the way, if you were to tell me what's in a 1737 paper,

a bit of witch trial talk, I would imagine. Yeah. You will see by it that the late law for abolishing the act against witches has not abolished the credulity of the country people. But I hope it has made proper... provision for punishing their barbarity on such occasions. Wait, is he pro or anti-witch?

I think he's anti-witch punishment? Yes, I think he is. Which is a very progressive stance. It really is. It's like the Bernie Sanders at that time. She's like, they should not be beaten or drowned. Witches are people too. Give a witch a job and she will stop craft.

So this is this will be hopefully I can read this easy but remember the S's look like F's in this time so for sucks fake yeah

sir the people here are so prejudiced in belief of witches that you would think yourself in Lapland well I'm there they're talking talking shit about another place

That's where they're witches You want some hot Titty bar and prim, Lapland Be sure to tick your witches Now coming to the broom Haag These witches are kind of A cat falls out

Jesus Christ That's right Do you like that? No There is not a village in the neighborhood, but has two or three. Oh, there's two or three witches in every neighborhood. Yeah. Well, that's the census.

Those foolish witches. Any witches in your house? About two, three witches. Ah, yeah. It's just me and the two other witches. All right. Thank you, ma'am. Are you guys texting each other?

Yeah. Is that a problem? Yeah. Yeah. We're like, oh, Gareth, it's not, it's not witchcraft. It's just a couple of guys. Yeah. Hello?

No. I'm doing the pastimes with James and Dave. Yeah, totally sucks. Hi. These guys suck. Wow. All right. Okay, go ahead, guys.

You're doing great, James. I was leaving messages to myself throughout the show. Fuck, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen. Well, you weren't supposed to comment on it. Sorry. This is audio only, right? I can take my shirt off? Yeah, it's audio only.

Start spreading the nose. Let's see those much mouths. That's what I call my tits. You are Louis? I call my butt the news. Want to spread it? We don't need a paper. I have to say, I think it's getting in the way.

I'm upset to be here. About a week ago, I was present at the ceremony of ducking a witch, a particular account of which may not perhaps be disagreeable to you. An old woman of about 60 years of age had a... A witch, every old woman's a woman. You hit 60. Burn. Excuse me, witch.

Where'd you get those potatoes? I'm just a regular woman. Quiet, witch. ID, please. How'd you conjure them? It says here you're 60? Sign of the Beast. Witch?

No. No. Had Long Lane under an imputation of witchcraft, who, being willing to clear herself, consented to be ducked. I'll be ducked. That's when they were killing. They used to kill women with ducks, witches. Have you ever heard of them? of a witch ducking?

A witch ducker? A witch. How? He was a quack. All right. Enough. I'm sorry. And the parish officers promised her a guinea if she should sink.

A what? Wait, wait. Promise her a what? A shilling if she sinks. But wait, witch's sink. Pretty good deal. Is that what had it? Was it witch's sink?

Yeah. If there were a witch, they sink. Which is float. I think that's float. Regular. That, I don't think we've ever had enough fun with how bad of a test that really was. If she dies from water, she's in the clear. Yep.

Okay. Everybody floats. So that would be the real problem there. That's an REM sign. So, and they're going to give a guinea to her if she floats? If she sinks. If she sinks. If she's not a witch.

She dies from drowning. You get on the scuba gear. You go down with your guinea. Yeah. So if you drown, they flick a guinea at you. That's right. Hey. The place.

There you go. Yeah. Wonder grow. The place appointed for the operation was in the river oust by a mill. And there I believe, 500 spectators. Wow. I mean, it's a show. 500.

That's a good draw. for 1737 and Great. Where are we? That's a great draw. That's the Bray Improv. That's a great. That is.

That's a really good draw. That's a great draw. Not enough people show up and they put the curtain behind them. That way it won't seem as bad. You should have done this on a Friday, Saturday. Tuesday. It's hard to fill the street.

People just aren't into witches anymore. Ralph Barboso is just here. So this is, people are all spent out. Oh. Darren Carter, the witch burner, was just here. About 11 o'clock in the forenoon, a woman came and was tied up in a wet sheet. We're having a wet sheet competition. Ladies.

Lady. Welcome to Lapland. Tonight we're doing wet sheets. All but her face and hands. Her toes were tied close together. as were also her thumbs and her hands tied to the small of her legs. Oh, God. Ugh.

They fastened a rope about her middle, then pulled off her cap to search for pins. For the notion is, if they have but one pin about them, they won't sink. Well, it's science. Wait, if they have a pin, they'll float. Like a hairpin. Yeah. Think about it. Oh, yeah.

Now I get it. For sure. It didn't take too long to make that connection. Come on, Bill Nye. Did you just Dennis Miller, Bill Nye? He did. Not okay. Not okay. You're a modern day witch.

You should be thrown in a river from what you just did. Come on, keep up what you please, Bill Nye, the saints. Right, Habib. When all preliminaries were settled, she was thrown in, but unhappily for the poor creature, she floated. Though her head was all the while. She was like, I don't want to be a part of this society. Though her head was all the while underwater.

Upon this, there was a confused cry. A witch, a witch, hang her, drown her. She's drowning, Frank. She's already drowning. Pick a death, too. Hang her, drown her. Lighter on fire. Let her and throw her in the water.

That would actually... Those are actually longer heads. Light her on fire and make a jump over a bunch of horses. Jesus Christ, I'm just old. Shut up, witch. We think. God damn witch won't quit talking. Stick a pen in it.

Stick a pin in her. She's a witch. She was in the water about one minute and a half and was then taken out half-drowned when she had... The doctor, I pronounced you, half-draft. This lady is clearly half-drawn. This woman is not a witch and is half-drowned. She needs mouth, too.

When she had recovered breath, the experiment was repeated twice more. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. She's okay. I think I'm okay. All right. So just two more. to be safe.

My day's not going so bad. Well, yeah, could be worse. I could have been drowned three times. Yeah, a half drowning two more times. One and a half drowning, really. One point five drownings. But with the same success for she floated each time. Success.

Which is doing great. You're doing so good, old lady. I'm very old and that's the problem. You're doing so good. I'm starting to think you're real. Yeah, three more times. My bones are light. Yeah, well, that's probably helping you right now.

You ain't sinking, which is sink. So two more. You're one away from freedom, old lady. This is the original three strikes? You're out, rule. For she floated each time, which was a plain demonstration of guilt to the ignorant multitude. The third float, like, wow, she's floating the third time.

I think she's really... It had to be lonely to be a newspaper man during the... You guys are all insane. He's calling his readers the ignorant. What's that word mean? For notwithstanding the poor creature was laid upon the grass, speechless and almost dead. They were so far from showing her any pity or compassion

that they strove who should be the most forward in loading her with reproaches. I don't know what that means. Like someone had to go over. After this? Or I would think someone has to go over and be like, hey, way to go. You're okay.

She's like, she's not. She's like, she's not. She's not. She's not. Yeah. No, she's not okay. You're a witch. No, she's a witch.

Oh, she is. Okay. But she's on the ground. now. Such is the dire effect of popular prejudice. As for my part, I stood against the torrent and when I had cut the strings which tighter had carried

your back to the mill and endeavored to convince the people of uncertainty of the experiment and offered to lay five to one that any woman of her age so tied up in a loose sheet would float. But all to no purpose for I was near being mobbed. So his way of proving how wrong it was

Was he suggested to drown a younger woman No He didn't even suggest that he was like I would have been there crazy people I'll prove you how cruel you are Get me a teen And I didn't realize they threw her in a sheet in there So I mean

Racked her up Like a month The possibility of drowning is very high Very high Yeah Because trick is not to load her in face down Yeah And it's much higher

if you do, like if you're not a witch and you sink, you're dead. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's really, it's very, it's, they've come up with a really good system if you want to kill women. Yeah. And a scant, and a scant 200 years later, they got the vote. We'll finally allow them to work. Oh, God.

Sometime after the woman came out and one of the company happened to mention, another experiment to try a witch. Oh, no. Oh, damn it. What now? Which was to weigh her. If she bleeds, she's a woman. Here we go with the body image.

Against the Bible. What? For it seems a witch could not outweigh a Bible. Oh, my God. We're not that far off from this. Think about it, gentlemen. I really am having trouble thinking. about this will come back soon i think we're a year away from this by the weight if that

that'll be determining if someone if an illegal immigrant committed a crime or not right and then like the really rich witches will like show up with a 180 pound bible yeah yeah yeah so they're selling the heavy bible yeah yeah i immediately second that motion as thinking it might be of service to the poor old woman and made use of an argument which had some weight with the people for I told them if she was a witch

she certainly dealt with the devil and as the Bible was undoubtedly the word of God it must weigh more than the works of the devil this seemed reasonable to several to set all right I get it

yeah that's pretty good I was way of evil the other day this is a this will truck. Yeah, I got a bunch of evil the other day. And those did not think so could not answer it. Yeah, because that's the other problem. It's like, if you have a brain, you're like, I'm not going to shut the fuck up, but that's so stupid. Yeah.

If you will, actually, these guys. Yeah. That sounds like a witch got you. Yeah. Which got your tongue? Yeah. Wrap them up, boys. We got them. Against the Bible. See if he's got real knowledge or which thoughts. At last, the question was carried, and she was weighed against the Bible, which weighing about 12 pounds, she outweighed it.

By the way, what the fuck? A 12-pound Bible is. Yeah, but back then. Translated a few times? Well, there weren't a lot of Bibles. There was probably just one in the church because they didn't have a printing press. Yeah, so you didn't want people absconding with it, so you had to make it. heavy. And now we're such a rich

land, we have the sequel in hotel drawers. Yeah. This country's doing good. Yeah. We need heavier Bibles, though. Yeah, I agree. I don't know when our Bibles got so late.

Well, they woke the way. They woke the Bible. They woke to the weight. This could convince some and staggered others, but some who believed through thick and thick and went away fully assured that she was a witch and endeavored to include that belief into all others.

Okay. Well, I mean, he saved the witch. Right. So she survived all this? Yeah, he saved a woman from being murdered by a town. By using, like, dumb logic. Yeah. He was like, I think she would probably be lighter than the Bible if she was a witch.

If people are like, that's pretty good. Yeah. Uh, I got no. holes I can see in her. That's pretty good. If you tie a balloon to her knee and she floats, she's a witch. Oh, okay.

Yeah, keep it going over there, Bill Nye, the science guy. Dennis Miller's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather's stop. Just saying, guy. The pastimes is brought to you by Mint. Marlabel, Gareth, is it a mint? What? Is it a mint? Is Mint Mobile a Mint?

Yeah. I'm not going to even bother with it. No. No, it's the phone service. What is your, well, that is not the one, two you thought it was. Well, I was hoping that I would have a quicker partner. It's mint. It's mint in its service.

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All right. Yeah, that's it. The service is, we use it. It's just just, yeah, it's great. It works.

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Switch. So this year, Skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank, get this new customer offer and your three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash pastimes. That's mintmobile.com slash pastimes. Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month, limited time, new customer offer for three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Yay. I miss you. I miss you, Gareth. All right, I'm done. From the gentleman's magazine for August 1737.

Ooh, finally a little class. Little wacken material. Yes. Maxim, dear Maxim. Dear F.HM. My wife's a witch. Sir, reading your magazine for July, the deplorable condition of the wretches who eat one another.

Excuse me. It must have been hell of a story. I kind of want to read that one. People are eating each other. Yeah. Regarding the people who eat each other. Yes, in response to the eating people thing. We've gotten a lot of mail about the eating each other.

I ate my friend the other day, and it's not that crazy. Thank you very much. And first cause, it induced me to write to you the following remedy for a leak in a ship. Okay, so it was a ship wrecking that ate each other. So that's, that happened. Oh, okay. All right. So that's fine.

So being practical, you're like, if you don't want to have to eat people, this is how you fix a ship. No, I'm good eating the people. Oh, you want it to happen. Yeah. Well, as a matter of fact, I'm the one who shot a hole in the boat. not thinking it is known a practice, but can assure it was tried with success on his majesty ship

Antelope above 20 years ago let a small net be made with the I can't read that Messies, missiles four or five inches diameter and filled with Oakham with proper weights

Oakum, like the Oakum Ridge boys. Oh, yeah, yeah. Elviter. If proper weights just enough to sink it, let it gently be hauled for and aft

for the outsides of the ship and it will quickly find out the leak. Huh? You lost me. You lost me when you stopped talking about eating people, to be honest. Yeah, I'm still thinking about that.

Yeah, you're talking about that? Yeah, I know how to fix a hole. Put a witch in it. Yep. I mean, if it's being done... Which in time, saves nine. Whatever. This is a genius idea.

You guys are just mocking it. Okay, whole boy. Science and engineering. I'm not going to say it again because it won't... Why don't you say it one more time there, Mr. Bill Nye, the science gang. By the violence... Go ahead. Go ahead, Magellan.

How you fixing a hole in your boat? What are you, the Beatles? And it was... Yeah, that's exactly what he used to do. Fixing a hole where the rain crept in. Oh. We all live in a yellow... ...tembering.

By the way, haven't you heard, I covered magical mystery tour? It will quickly find out the leak by violence of the suction and the Oakham continually drawing through the... I still can't read that. Messes. Messes.

Meshes of dead. It will flop it. It will stop it. And rub it down. Yeah, girl. And stick shast until proper means can be used to do it more effectually. Shast a MacNast. If you please, if you please, do not.

You are bad. Do not to just a make. That's literally for me, I think. It's the only person is like, that was pretty good. You're a bad boy. Shastna McNaspe. I'm trying to do older references. than the newspaper today.

Just the McNabb. Until proper means can be used to do it more effectively. If you please to publish this for the good of my countrymen who use the seas, you will lodge. So it's just a guy writing in a letter. It's like, look, we don't need to be eating each other. Let's fix the ship. All right. Good stuff.

It's like a city council meeting. The paper was just like the city council where people would just show up and just be like, I don't think you should be able to kill your neighbor with wood. I'm against it. All right, thanks, sir. Sir, I am Clark of a church. Hi, Clark. It's a K-L-A-R-K.

That's got to be clerk, right? Clerk. I'm a clerk. A clerk? I am Clark of a church. I am Clark of church. I'm Clark the clerk of the church. Okay, this might be.

Clerk a doodle do. It did sound like Dennis Miller doing a chicken impression. Clarka doodle Duke. It's time to wake you up. Okay, so this is racist, so I'm going to... Oh. I can do it in Dennis Miller voice then. I am Clark of a church, and I am to read the laws about fornication and black people to times in the year in the church.

Okay. Later. Yeah, this seems like church. This seems like church. This should happen in a church. Absolutely. Which laws are written hand, which I can't read. But I have opinions on black people.

Here we go. So he is the clerk of a church and he can't read. So that's the problem. Is that an issue for a church clerk? I mean, it's all misspelled. Like you can barely read what he's saying. That's good. And I, which I can't read without some gentle folks laugh at my

blunders. I have seen your gaffer. I have seen your gaffer and can read in it as well as the Bible for it is written in printing hand and

the sir you well fend send the laws in that hand by boy he's really illiterate or or give Or give me an order upon the next justice to tear it out of his book for use in the church

or pay my fine or. This is the guy who's like trying to get people into the church. No, he is. He's like the stenographer of the church. Yeah, but that's not helpful to be. Well, he should be able to read and write as the clerk. Yeah. So I mean, it's not a great, like, it's not a, it's not doing, it's not a great ad.

But your whole thing is based around reading the one book. Yeah. Maybe he memorized the book. Maybe that's why it's so heavy. It was like terribly written. He was like, I kept the typos. It's all pictures. That's why it's so heavy.

It's eight million pages. Flip it fast. And he has been asked to read. He's been asked to read some laws, but he can't read. So he's now he's asking them if he can get help or tear a page from the Bible. Can I? Oh, no. I just rip this one out.

Is that okay? Burn him. Or if they will pay as fine. Yeah, that's it. Sorry, is any of this about God? No. He signs it your unknowing friend.

Now watch me rip this Bible in half as a feat of strength. Oh, that was sad. It's strange. Yeah, and racist? And racist. I mean, only a little.

I mean, I'm not. not going to be the guy on your death. Oh, you're so bad for the illiterate racist. Oh, right. You want me to read it the way it was written? Because it's... Yeah, I do. I mean... And then I want that to be a clip and then take my face, no, Dave. Go for it, Dave. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead, Dave. Tia off, buddy. Read it with passion. Don't be afraid to really hit the words. Yep. Do your best character work. Keep reading it.

I can't find out the design of the above letter unless it be to expose the ignorance of a parish clerk or to show the necessary of the vestries being furnished with the printed body of laws. There may be many laws in force which the minister or clerk are enjoined to read in the churches under severe penalties on failure. I can't oblige my new correspondent with an order. on any justice of the peace to tear his book, but if he can prevail on his vestry to be at the expense of purchasing a complete body of the laws of this colony,

I will undertake a supply to supply them. Well, okay, so he's saying he's saying he's going to help him out. He can help him out. Oh, okay. That's all we could have just said that. So the racist is getting helped. Yeah. Did you see how into it James was?

James, you seem really... That's the clip. It felt like... Do Dennis Miller. It felt like the bagat part of hearing like Bible stories where I just... Checked out. Yeah, checked out a little bit. Hey, I'm more checked out than a library book on this one.

Something like that. Yeah. More checked out than Bob's big boy. I'm doing more checking out than the electronic checkout at the grocery store. I'm more checked out than... Andrew Cuomo's mistress after last night. I'm more checked out than a beautiful set of legs at a construction site of Manhattan right now. I'm more checked out than the first album cover by the specials.

Fucking A. These are deep but accurate. Yeah. I'm more checked out of Slovakia. Some more checked out than Dave watching us do this bit. Another five minutes. Last week, Mr. Samuel Lane died of apoplexy at Exeter. He's an attorney worth about $30,000. Okay.

Damn, that's a lot for back then, I assume. Rick Foyer died. It's a lot. He got his money in such. a way that he has had more curses bestowed on him than there are farthings in the above some.

So they're very convinced that he's horribly cursed. He's a piece of shit lawyer. Like he's just a shit asshole. Yeah, cursed all the way to the bank. Hey! This old man used to say that old age and matrimony were two of the

most damnable things that were ever invented. Wow. I don't like an old age was invented. Yes, it was. I wanted to be a baby forever. And then someone had to go and make time. And then they made aging the law. Why the hell did we do this?

This is crazy. We could be a bunch of fucking babies. How cool would that be? And it's not crazy to say because we would all be the same age. It'd be fine to fuck. What?

Order in the court. Order. Oh, no. Let's a libertarian. Let me get it back on track. I'm saying in the land of babies, old age doesn't

exist. They would be having sex with each other, and that would be fine. And it's baby on baby. I can see there's still a lot of blank state. No, no, no.

No, I'm still I'm saying, What I'm saying. Now say it again and louder and lean into the mic. Be clear. If everyone was one, having sex with each other wouldn't be strange. It'd be hot. It's only creepy because I'm a grown man.

Why? Because that was just going really bad. Well, you guys had a nice run. I first saw the podcast being canceled. I'm back, baby. And talkier than ever. That's what he says to the one-year-old. I had a little time to reflect on what I said, and there's something I'd like to say.

No. I'm doubling down. Yeah. Now when I talk about it, I'm dressing like a baby. You are a baby. Wait. No, no. Oh, in real life, you're going to dress like a baby and talk about babies fucking.

I'm going to make this point looking like a baby and a diaper and a bonnet. You think this will help your point. I think I'm going down with the ship like a witch. Plug a hole in this ship. Okay. What I said is fine. The babies are all witches. Don't try to co-op my point.

Stand about what I said. Go ahead. What did you say again? I said. The letters in his name made these words. Sue Allman, which was very true of him. And Tis said he was so well pleased with it that he gave the person five, whatever, Pence, or whatever, who first invented it. Sue All Men?

Sam, Sue Allman. Yeah. His name's Sam. Hashtacks Sue Allman. Sue Allman Ewell. Very creative. Well, it must have been hell to be alive back then, huh? I mean, it's not great.

Must have it. Absolute fucking hell. Yeah, it was a lot of book-based violence. It's just like, everything's fucking crazy and, like, their fun escapes. You were like, yeah, saw that coming. All right. Seems hard to trust your neighbor back then. Yeah, absolutely.

Anytime two or more people are gathered, you'd have to be like, are they about to throw me into water? You literally could never be like, can I tell you something? Like, that's something you'd always just be like, I agree. God did give us corn. And you just go to your room and be like, what the fuck is going on? We need to get a third book at this town. Yeah, this town needs a third book so bad. And then that's simply more checked out than the third buck.

The Protestants are in great consternation on account of nine letters de cachet, having been sent here to take away nine years. young damsels, daughters of good merchants, and trademen of this town. This is like a magical realm. What the fuck is going on? This is not a real city. They're sending. Oh, so a letter is common.

It's like, look, we need your daughters. We need your daughters. We need your daughter. Okay. What are we going to do? That's that. We had a good run. Five have already been taken.

Two Miss Grovels. Miss Greel, I can't read that, Miss Levelyn and Miss Cape. Letters de Cache have likewise been sent to Rowan Boutick and C.

Rowan Babbick. Where this will end God Almighty knows. When they have thus taken the children of Protestants, they oblige the parents to pay such a yearly sum to the convent or monastery into which they are put

as the prosecutors think fit and this they call paying for the children's board. Whatever is required must be paid and the sum required seldom fails in being extraordinary. So they just

take girls to be nuns and then they charge the parents and they're like, yeah, you're paying $7,000 a year and then we have her here. Oh. It's either that or which, none or which. You get two. You get two choices, ladies.

Two bad options, but at least she lives. Yeah, what a life. Yeah. It doesn't seem weird for 1730s. It feels like this should be like 1,400s, but it's 1730s. That's what I'm saying. But the Salem Witch Trials were like, that's this time. Yeah.

But it's like I'm expecting to like start reading about elves and shit. It would not surprise me at all. We've talked about this before. We fully expect fairies to come in. to like, camp political campaigns in the next 10 to 15 years. I talk to the good fairy Mary, and she has assured me that she would be Secretary of State

if I were to be elected. Charleston, South Carolina, September 10th. The sloop John and Thomas, William Wilkinson, master from this port bound to New Providence, after being several days at sea, and then about 40 leagues from any land met with sudden squalls of thunder when a flash of lightning struck the mast, splitting it all to pieces, then went through the partners of the deck,

struck out three planks below the bend on the starboard bow, which caused the vessel to fill immediately and obliged all the people on board being seven in number to take to their boat in order to save their lives. I just heard someone's stomach. Whose stomach was that? That was mine. What's going on?

I don't know. I had a gurgle. And it wasn't even my stomach. It was like my esophagus. I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry, Dave. I am a witch. It sounds like you've got worms and snakes in your throat.

I have a serpent esophagus. Hang him upside down from a tree and tickle his nose with an ox tail. Punch him in the stomach a bunch. And if he dies, he was a man. He shall swallow a whole fish. No one can eat 40 eggs. Feed him 40 eggs. Jesus Christ, he's pounding those.

You can even make cool-hand-luck in this economy. We're not going to do that. We're not going to cool-hand-luck this economy again. You a little coy bastard. In this little boat, they were exposed several days to the mercy of the season weather. croffing the gulf oh crossing the gulf sorry that makes more sense i love croffing the gulf that's what just happened in my throat croff the golf you're crofagus crossing the gulf where they filled sundry times so that the greatest number were obliged to

quit the boat whilst the others freed her from the water till on monday last they arrived safe in this harbor. Oh, so everything worked out. Yep. Everyone's fine. Nobody had to eat anybody else. There was definitely one guy who was like, shit.

Probably going to need to make shanks out of each other. Looking at you, Bob. We can see the land. Dibs on Bob. Yeah. I'm going to shank him. Things could go wrong really fast. What if we get tired swimming that whole mile?

Let me eat Ted, and then we'll go. I need my streak. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to make the journey. I, by the way. I heard he's a lawyer. I heard he's a lawyer. Anyone? New York.

Yeah. On Wednesday, yeah. New York, on Wednesday last near 11 o'clock at night, we felt an earthquake here. The first since we... A witch queefed! Jesus Christ! A witch has queefed! The land has queefed!

And sure. How the fuck do they believe in earthquakes in the time of witchers? Thank you. Thank you. Crazy. It's weird to be like, here's what happened. Yeah. The plates in the ground were rubbing against each other.

Also, there's a chance Diane did it with that big stick. I believe she has a black heart and spells in her belly. I believe this woman can fly and in Pangea. You see, Land slowly moves. moved away from each other, and that explains why certain areas have similar species. Also, that woman birthed a demon! Two nights ago! The first sense we had of it was like a strong gill of wind, which increased until it began to resemble the noise of coaches swiftly driven, which continued and increased until it came to the place where it was felt.

Here we had first one single shock and after an intermission of a few seconds, a violent tremor, which continued upwards of a minute. By the noise it seemed to move from the westward to the east, we hear from Rinebeck that it was felt there and that some houses were somewhat damaged at and about Phillipsburg, also upon Long Island, but as yet we have heard of no considerable damage. That was like a modern day... Yeah. Arguably better than what we'll be dealing with in like five years. Like far more accurate with tremors and... Yeah. And then also this paper started with witch sheets.

Mm-hmm. Lost sometime in August last, a silver snuff box. Guilt on the inside and a coat of arms engraved on the lid being three tiger's heads and the crest of a lion rampant. Whoever brings it to Mr. Thomas Hall in Prince George County or to the printer of this paper shall have half a pistol reward. Half a pistol. What's half?

What's a pistol? The handle. What do I have to do for the whole pistol, asshole? I don't know. What is a pistol? I got half a pistol. I got half a pistol as you bring back my fancy spitbox. There you go.

Yeah. You got my nosebacker? Here you go. Take a barrel. Can you just use like an old Dr. Pepper can like my dad used to? A gilded three lion thing for your fucking tobacco spit. Yeah. So my son doesn't accidentally drink out of it. It's a guy with the cool Zippo.

You ever go in for a tasty Dr. Pepper and it's your dad spit? I've done the cigarette butts. You ever done that? Yeah, good time. I've done that like probably six times in my life. And probably like three times told people. And the other three I was like, hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it.

Yeah, that was basically college. Yeah. Just drinking cigarette. Oh. Price one shilling, ten and a half. What was it, Dave? What was it, Dave? What was it, Pistole?

Oh, it's a gold coin. Oh, pistole. Half a stole. It's the French word for a Spanish coin. That's right. Which is pistoli, eh? Price one shilling. That's the right word for it.

Like if someone took your urine, it's pistol. Stop. Price, ten shillings, one. Oh, well, it's funny. No, no, no, I've actually been reading some controversial thoughts from across the pond, huh? Imagine the pyramid of toddlers. if they're all the same age, why is it gross? That's all I'm saying.

You're only grossed out by it because you know what it is today. But if you had no idea, it would be fine. What? Price is one shilling ten and a half D. What's D? Dollars. You're the, you're the English guy. What's a D?

Duckets, mate. Duck it's. Yeah, it's a ducket. Yeah, it is. Fuck off. Why did you come to me for information if you don't want your earing? Oh, I thought D-N-O-O-D-O. No one's helpful.

Poems, on several occasions, never before printed by a gentleman of Virginia price 15D. I ain't paying for fucking Virginia columns. This guy just put an ad in the paper and he's like, hey, I wrote some poems. No, that's a male wits. Virginia ones. Yeah. We wager poems against the Bible. Poems lose.

Damn it. Bible's undefeated. Yeah. The heaviest object known to man. Okay. Not being able to speak up. Nothing's heavier than the Bible. Jamaica is remarkable for earthquakes.

The inhabitants, Dr. Sloan informs us, expect one every year. That author gives us a history of one in 1687. Another horrible one in 1692 is described by several anonymous authors. In two minutes' time, it shook down and drowned nine-tenths of the town of Port Royal. Wow. The houses sunk outright 30 or 40 fathoms deep. Oh, it's a fathoms deep.

I can't even imagine how deep it is. That's one fathom. Stop. Everyone stop. James, get back here. The earth opening swallowed up people as if, and they rose in other streets. Some were kicked up and some went down. The earthquake like shots of people.

What kind of fault is that, Gareth? Go ahead and tell them. Oh. It's a... Who muted me? Strike slip? Strike slip? Yeah.

Nah, it's a... Yeah, it's a... Slip-Slimb? Slagmite? Stalagmite? Yeah, slag might. Yeah, slag might. Might?

Though there... There, though there were two thousand, though there were two thousand people lost and a thousand acres of land sunk. Jesus. That's a lot of people for that. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of land.

I mean, no. All the houses were thrown down through the island. One Hopkins had his plantation removed, half a mile from its place. No, that's not. That, no.

Don't cry too hard. Now you're lying. Now you've got to. Well, I guess we've relocated. The earthquake moved us. All the wells from one fathom to six or seven, the water flew out at the top

of a, with a vehement motion, while the houses on the one side of the street were swallowed up on the other. They were thrown on heaps, and the sand in the street arose like waves in the sea, lifting up everybody that stood on it and immediately dropping down onto it looks like piss. But that can't be piss, but it looks like piss. Hell, piss. All the places landed on the piss.

Yep. That's an old newspaper. That's an old journal. joke and joke they like to do to see if people are still reading. He just end the story with piss. And everyone lived on piss. We'll see who catches this. Is anyone reading?

There was piss. Yeah, it's piss. You've read this far. Piss. Piss. Letters from Venice say that at the Pope's request, one Raggedoio, a native of Ancona, and a darling

Is they right? That's a tough word. A darling is a darling. A darling. How you say? Baby. Was apprehended. Go-go.

Do you like me? Was apprehended. You cop. That's right, ma'am. Baby cops. I mean, I just can't imagine the life that you've created every time you see a baby you're going to have ask him he's a cop.

What have you done? No, you guys. Holy shit. In my version, to the last time. And they're like, it's this many. Wait a minute. BPD, baby police department. No, the idea for the last time is that everyone's a baby.

Yeah, no, we got it. But then why you ask you... Well, they're going to have to procreate in the land of baby. We got the idea of your dream scenario. Oh, no. So why are you asking if babies are cops? Yeah. If you're already in your perfect fantasy land, why are cops even there?

I thought you were ACAB. Someone's trying to ruin Utopia. A-Bab. A-P-Bab. Babies are bastards. A-Back. All babies are cops. Tell him proven otherwise.

That's how you got to operate. Tell you what, this town's going to shit. It's really abat. Okay, so this guy was apprehended at the square of St. Mark, who his said has already murdered 49 persons with his own hands and threatened Cardinal. And three with other people's. Al Barone and several clergymen.

Well, that guy's awesome. Yeah, he's rocking a roller. He's a go-getter. Yeah. What, James? You don't like the murder? I didn't, I don't not like it. Wait, what's cool to say?

I love murder. Murder's awesome, man. Pure pressure, say it. I think everyone should be murdered if they think differently than me. Is that the right? That's right, right? That's correct. You're going to fit in today's world.

Great. Now you're mayor of New York. There we go. Extract from extract of a letter from Ellie dated July 5th. On Friday last Mary Bird contemned for the murder of

her husband by poison was brought on a sledge and burnt in view of Wow. I just didn't expect that. I just wasn't expecting that. Burnt in view always hits. It's very on a sledge.

Yeah. We're not even making up a fun for this lady. No, I just, yeah. Put her on a slab and burner in front of people. And burn her. And Bert, in view of many thousands of spectators whose curiosity incline them to the site of an execution to so uncommon in this country. And as there was something extraordinary in the woman, I have sent you particular account of her as follows.

Blood! So much red. blood. Or devil's juice. The devil's Kool-Aid. Her behavior, while under condemnation, was something remarkable

for her... She was very strange when she was ablaze. Very whiny, yellie, complaining. I wouldn't be that way. It was very weird. Very unlady-like. Just turned to her husband. Was she always like this? How do you put up the boy?

It was strange. How'd you put up with that? That fucking nag, nag, nag, nah. God, that voice. Jesus. Talk of a shrill. The pain, the pain. We get it.

We're all in pain. Wow. Her passion for day, her gallant was strong. She could not hear the very rattling of his irons without being all of. of a fire, which passion she said, had frequently assaulted her when she was engaged in her deep, felt, and most solemn devotions. Okay, so whatever, God is, like, going into her. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's a God thing.

Get you some God. Oh, yeah. What? She's really into God. Don't. Yeah, well. The high bailiff. Yeah.

The high. finally the hide bailiff finding no likelihood of her being brought to a true sense of the horrid crime she'd been found committed of tell her gallant was removed gave orders to the jailer the room what's going on Can I be your clerk? How many counts as a fathom? Jesus Christ, goofers. Gave orders to the jailier for his immediate discharge out of prison and briefly forbid his ever being admitted to the sight of her again.

After this, she seemed to show some signs of real penance and owed not only the fact itself and the justice of the sentence, which had been parsed on her, and also declared that she had given the potion in warm ale, but not in hasty pudding, as commonly reported. And they believed in earthquakes. And that's how Second City started. But she gave him the first half.

hasty pudding, but she gave in the first half ounce for which she immediately felt the pangs of conscience and wished sincerely that it might not have the expected effect that her method of giving was thus. She mixed the arsenic with brown sugar and then put in the ale and gave it to him to drink. Hey, this sugary drink has a weird little flavor to it. You won't mind this, Sean.

This is really weird sugary beer. Just have another sip. It's really good once you get past the top and the middle. It's got a strong chemically taste that just feels covered up by just pieces of brown sugar. More sugar? You want more sugar? You're saying? I guess.

Or more poised. There you go. I mean, I just said too much. Wait, what? More sugar. Yeah, okay. Some of her friends taxed her with having, formerly murdered two of her bastard children.

Jesus Christ. You killed your bastards. But she declared... Who's going to go up to play the blues? But she declared that the last, to the last, that the accusation was false and that she never had been guilty of even the intention of murder except the fact for which she was suffer. It was remarkable that even when she shewed the most evident signs

of true acceptance, she preserved a, boy, this is hard. Okay, she was carried to the stake in a garment made of sackcloth covered with pitch. Oh, so it'll burn better. Yeah, nice sack. And it was observed that when she was going to receive her punishment, she turned aside her pitched cap and cast her eyes among the spectators.

Her countenance was at that time cheerful and bespoke a great deal of resignation. She spoke little at the stake. I mean, what's there to say at that point? Yeah, at that point, did I ever tell you guys about the weirdest sleepover I was a part of? All that time had to say. she compromised briefly and addressed herself to the spectators in the following manner. That she deserved the punishment. She was going to suffer.

That she freely forgave all the evidences against her, but that her... Well, this isn't fun. I want to say, we want you screaming while you're going, no, no, I didn't do it, but we know you were. Resignation is not hot. No, it's not. No, I guess we start to kill you on the slab, but now we feel kind of... Cut her down. She said she hoped all women would take warning of her shameful end.

Some ally. I don't know, maybe. We'll see. I'm everyone. Yeah. How about I want to end it with an ad? Sure. Or piss.

Wilmore County, February 3rd, ran away from the subscriber on the 21st of last month, a convict servant man named Edward Ornsby. He is Irish of, of low stature Has an impediment. There it is. Has an impediment in his speech. He had a...

I'm Irish. A low stature. Give me a list, Bariot. I've come from a different country. It's called Ireland. It's not too close or it's not too far. There you go.

That's not bad, is it? Why are you looking to me like that, James? It's not that bad. Okay. I heard it was low stature. I've been a little satchery of all kids. He had on when he... Wait, he had on...

Sush up. Just be quiet, you. You know, you're not white in this country yet. It's 1737. That is true. Yeah. Well, that's very true. No wonder so many people online have come after me for doing this thing.

Now you've made this whole thing feel a bit racist. That's not nearly as fertile front. Not nearly as fertile a front? He had on, when he went away, a green, drug-and-coat-lined-with-two sorts of chaloon, and a drugg-ed waistcoat of two sorts, and a gray-colored pair of breeches.

He is a tailor-by-trade. It is supposed to have gone away in the company with a Molotta woman, known by the name of Anne Rillard. Billy, who being whipped last court held for the county of King George, they possibly have on the marks of her back. And he is supposed he has changed his clothes and wears a whitish-colored broadcloth. Whoever will bring said servant to me shall have two something reward. So his lady got whipped in court.

His lady got whipped in court, so he ran away with her. Yeah, as you should do. That's pretty good. Well done, sir. Yeah. I hope he escaped and never found him. Brought to you by Ginger Beer. Drink it.

Oh, shit. Well, James, thank you for another joyful ride through the nightmare. That was all spooky one. That was spooky. That was strange. That felt like a Halloween episode. Maybe we'll save it. Old Man yells at Crowd is coming out soon.

Where will you be posting about it? At Fritz is Dead. Instagram. Yeah, follow me on Instagram. Fritz is dead. X is really fun now. X is fun. X is back.

I like to say. X is back, baby. So is comedy. That's why you did it. Instagram, yeah, follow me there, I guess. Why am I still talking? Piss. That's better.

Oh, God, this episode's over. Hey, Dullop fans. I know you love the Dullop. listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

it really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one. So go there and watch The Rube.