The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 138 - The Past Times with Andy Beckerman

Episode Date: August 16, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and funny man Andy Beckerman SOURCES OFFICIAL MERCH TOUR DATES

I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago, and he was like, oh, yeah, just come over, stay at my place. You know, and I was like, buddy, love you, but probably not going to do that. So I ended up booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa right on the well land, I believe, canal. and yeah, it was awesome. I had like, there's like a little dock, there were big windows,

the whole nature meets city vibe, it was perfect. By day three, like Phil was like, can I crash here? And I was like, no, you have a home. But he did. And that's really when it hit me, that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there,

but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock, drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space, it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to, you know, go towards whatever, car payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life. It's flexible. It's on your schedule and it works around your lifestyle.

Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.com slash host. All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date and history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

The Great Candy Bag. Hi, Andy. Thank you for joining us. Hello, hello. Coming to you live from the Hieronymus Bosch painting that is America. There you go. There you go. Good work. You got a cat on your lap? Happy cat on your lap. Yeah, he's clinging to me lately, which makes me scared.

We all are. You're a beacon of light for us in this dark time. How are you handling everything, Andy? The American collapse, et cetera. Okay. Here, very quick. I'll tell you exactly. I think this very short story will tell you my emotional state. The other night I saw just a very, a small like pinprick, you can kind of see it on my finger, right? Just a very little, like wound, very tiny, less than a millimeter, okay? And I got into my head that there must be a splinter there that I'm not seeing. So I took some tweezers and started digging in my finger.

Okay. If that lets you know emotionally, where I am, no splinter, there's no splinter. There's no evidence of a splinter. I didn't see a thing there. I just assumed that there had to have been a splinter. What's your wife's reaction to something like that? Well, her, I mean, she's in the same bucket as I am, just different, a different section of the bucket. Yeah, she's finding fake splinters in other places, I guess.

Well, you have a, you have a couple great podcasts. One that Dave and I have been on a couple of times, couples therapy, you do it with your wife, Naomi. Boy, you're really flaunting this cat, loving you this. It's really ridiculous. And then you have another show called Beginnings that you do. And people can get those wherever people get podcasts unless there's some special. Do you remember what podcasts were a novelty, Andy? Yeah.

Or if you know where I live, come to my house, knock on the door. No, no. Andy, I would not do that. I'll give you like a flash drive with some episodes on if you want. I just, that feels like that's not how they do it in Cuba. I don't think that. That's not, I mean, it's fine. All right.

Well, we'll put your address on the info when we post this. Hey, the CIA has tried to kill me. with a poison cigar too. So, you know what? Me and Cuba, we're in the same bucket. Me, Naomi, Cuba, same bucket. All right. I know they tried to kill you with a very small sliver recently. Yeah, we all heard about the disappearing splinter. Yeah, Ken Clippenstein reported it. I like that you're using a huge microphone that sometimes you lower, and so your shirt just says Jews instead of silver Jews. Yeah, it is nice that the mic is so big that sometimes super you can see what everyone in high school called me if I just move the mic like

where'd you go to high school I went to Exeter Township Senior High School Where's that in what state? Reading, Pennsylvania Oh shit so you're a Redding Jew yeah yes I had to I had to I didn't know anything about like the whole private school world And when people asked me where I went to school, I just said, Exeter, because that's what we called it. We didn't say Exeter Township. You know, you just said whatever, you know, the shortened form was. And so there's a very fancy private school called Exeter.

Oh. And so I would say that and people would get impressed. And they would be like, oh, he's one of us. We can, you know, tell, we can say all the horrible white supremacist shit around this guy because he's been to the school. and then very quickly I learned that that's like Andover like all the you know like the prep schools that that shovel you into Harvard that shovel you into you know hanging out with Paul Wolfowitz who by the guy great lucky great guy just still is he still with us cooking I hope so yeah he's starting to lose some of those great guys we lost Rummy a few years ago man if he had just if he just gotten that flat tax through in post war iraq i think that whole situation would have turned around yeah i think we're yeah it would have brought back at least half a million iraqis to life absolutely no i think we're all i mean look we're big pro iraq guys we all are so um i think that

just remember that when you're listening to this that's how this kind of skews we're we're big into iraq we're big we're big iraq guys um andy you as our guest you're going to get to guess what year this newspaper is going to be from Dave will make it so you win either way. The crying has already begun. The same is going to make it so you win either way. You're a sore loser. You're the Trump of the past times first five minutes.

And by that you mean a winner. All right. So Andy, you could guess could be 17,000, could be 18, it could be 19, could be 2000s, who knows? Wait, I've always wondered this. Is there a year it can't be? Like, is there a year where there were no new. papers in America. Like the 1650s is when I think the first ones start popping up.

But I wouldn't go 1650. I'm going to say, I'm just going to year my favorite disease. So 1980. What's your favorite disease? He likes that flu. Gotta love that flu, baby. Like that flu, baby. That flu.

I like 1918. Really showboating this cat. For those who are who are. Cat is really getting involved. He is really pulling focus. The cats are fourth. I will guess, I like your guess. I like your guess a lot, to be quite honest with you.

I'm just going to lower it. I'm going to go 1875 just so we have fun. But I think you're right. I think it's going to be near there. Well, then you're wrong because it's 1908. You're like, Andy wins. Andy wins. Fair and Square.

And I knew he would. And I knew it. And Gareth, what do we do on this podcast when we lose? Showhole. What do you have to say? I lost. Yeah, you did. Dave just started doing this last episode, Andy.

He's like, now I'm going to like show him. And then if the get, it's just hell. Yeah. Stop. You're very poor sport. Just stop it. Karen, did you say showhole? No.

All right, let's start. The Alex Tribune of Alex O'Brien of Alex O'clock. Oklahoma, and of course, April 3rd, 1908, of course, I had to go look up where Alex is, and right now it's a town of like $4.50, and then, of course, I had to look at their high school because if you look on pictures of Alex, all that comes up is their high school football team. And if there's 400 and some odd people there, then how good can the football team be? And so I looked it up, and they play an eight-man, they play in an eight-man team league. I like that.

Wait, does that mean they're both offense and defense? they must be an Ironman or maybe maybe it's so there's an all-time QB like we used to do when we were a kid all-time QB yeah what does that mean

you just rotate around one guy's the QB the whole time yeah but that's what happens on regular football you're not listening no I'm oh God I switch his sides yes Dave yeah whoever's the best arm

that's stupid Andy and I are laughing at you buddy and we love you but we're having a laugh at your direction on this one Did they let did they let and did they call you the Jew like we're the only How many Jewish guys were in your school? You're talking to me? Yes, Gareth. I know they never called me the Jew.

Well, I tried to get it going. For the listener, you have a giant star David. You're on a chain. Oh, is that what that is? Like flavor, Flavia. Oh, I didn't know that was affiliated with a religion. I just thought, I just to me, it made me feel like I was A-Lister. I've seen people in Hollywood wear these, I think.

I don't know. Brett Gilman wears one. Yeah. I went to a Catholic school, and a Jewish guy was there. Wow. You can imagine when they got all of them. Undercover, yeah. I can never understand it, but there he was.

And he took a lot of heat. Yeah. So, this is the headline. Some spiritual excitement. Yeah. Someone's going to die. Last Friday, last Friday, P-L-E-A-S.

Please? Is it please? P-U-L-E-E-Z-E-Z. P-L-E-E-Z. Yeah. Why wouldn't you put the E? Why wouldn't you put the E on the end? I mean.

Please. Nobody asked nicely. Last Friday, please, Lindsay of Texas and Oklahoma visited Alex. Please, Lindsay. Lindsay, please. Please. No, I'm having a bad time. Lindsay's melting down.

Please. Jesus Christ, Lindsay. Lindsay's just a bowling party. Stop. Please visit it Alex. Please visit it Alex telling the landlord of the hotel. that he was expecting to lease some land in this vicinity. His trunk was carried with consider...

Oh, this is a dude. His trunk was carried with considerable legacy up the backstairs and deposited in his room under lock and key. There is a body in there. There's a body. So far, it's just like how a bag goes to a room, but they're like, they were very... Very, very secretive.

And he wanted it? He did. He did not announce what was in his trunk. Yeah. Need I say more? We know what it has. Prop comic. We know what's in there.

Opening for care. Toppets, please, Lindsay. Hello. Oh my God. Please, Lindsay. I call this a workhorse. It's a horse with a workman's out there on. It's a horse skeleton with a construction hat on.

So mine aren't combinations of anything. they're just pretty straightforward. I just show items I've acquired. I call this one a candelabra. This is a robe. Look at that. Hey, I bet this is the sort of thing you put on. You're like, hey, I just took a shower.

Yeah, okay. Wear this around my room for a little while. It's a robe. Oh, it's so chilly. It's chilly. I'll put on my robe. I'll put on my robe. Why are you putting on your robe?

Why not light one of these candles? You'll get this. Oh, my God. Caratop does a lot. a different, Caratopo, you'll like his stuff. He's combining stuff a lot more. Honestly, this sounds like the prop comic for America 2025.

Absolutely. Yep. Question. To get booked as a prop comic could just bring, hey, what do you call this? Yarn. Yes. Yarn. Yeah, what is it, yarn? Yarn.

Huh? Look at that. I got four different colors of this shit. What am I doing with this shit? Look at that. Huh? I mean, men don't use yarn, am I right? How about this? Uh-oh, better look out. The dust, somebody called the dust buster. Oh, boy.

Branson, Missouri was run by Nazis. That is this kind of comedy in America now. That's the opener. All right. Give him the light. He's doing that Branson Missouri stuff I don't love. Okay, so then Lindsay went out, his pockets bulging. There's a lot of presumptive show.

going on. Who's the reporter? Does it say? Was there a byline? Nobody says who wrote anything. Nobody would put their name on this. Bulging pockets. He went out to make arrangements about the lease,

no doubt. In the course of the evening, he came back to the hotel. But when he got there, the cupboard was bare. The trunk had mysteriously disappeared. All right, so someone stole his shit. Yeah.

By the way, you had to sign a lease every time you got to a hotel room? Yeah, 12-month lease, if you wanted to. And just the security deposit. A 12-month lease. I just need it for like three nights. We don't do those leases here. You're going to have to break the lease if you want to leave.

I mean, that's fine. You can break the lease, but you're going to incur a fee. There's some chippedas pain up here you might want to take care of before you move out. I just got here yesterday. A Lindsay being somewhat intoxicated Raised a rough house with the landlord Who had never even seen the trunk But he locked it in the hotel room

He's supposed to be upset Yes But how is also a landlord It's just this whole system Quick question Did the bulging pockets ever feature back into this Or was that just local color? I hope they do

I mean when you see a man Coming out of a hotel with thick pocket You know, something's up. But sounds like this is what happened. Someone got, this guy got robbed. And then it sounds like this is a pro-landlord skew. So they're just making regular things seem mysterious to make it seem. They're just trying to throw you off the scent.

Or they're buddies with the owner of the hotel. So they're just trying to back him up because there's like 10 people in the fucking town. Then you'll never get. He came downstairs with a jacket on. Like, you know what that means? Quick, what do you think was in the pockets? Cats. What did you say?

Cats. Living or dead? That's interesting. Yes. Okay. Oh, Schrodinger's cat. There's one pockets for live cats. One pockets for dead cats.

I like to think toilet paper. I like to think this guy would like the room paper a little better. And if he thought if he went to the lobby and had to go drop, that he would have that, you know? That's fair. I don't know why. I was imagining salamanders. Like, he's a little kid who was, like, going out and, like, just grabbing stuff in the forest. Back when kids are just simply, you're of the age where it's like,

don't let him show you, he's got worms. In his pockets, in his pockets, in his pockets. Do kids still go out and catch salamanders? Is that still a thing? No. It's not, right? We used to always catch salamanders. Yeah, we got skinks.

You ever have those? Skanks? No. Little tiny lizard guys. No, I never had a skink. You had those in Redding? Yeah. Redding Skinks?

Yeah. You never heard of the Redding Skinks? No, I never heard of Redding Skinks. Minor League team? No. All right, Skinks, Fing, let him hear it. Okay, so this proved to be Lindsay's undoing for the trouble soon reached the ears of authorities who put him under arrest for bootlegging. What in the fuck just happened?

Well, okay. Now it's, now, okay, so he's a bootleger. Okay. So that's what was in his pockets. It was booze. Now I do think he had skinks in his pocket. Yeah. Enter detective searching for the lost trunk. About 1 o'clock, the trunk was found with a few pints of bad whiskey in it. The hotel office was temporarily converted into a calaboose.

It's the second time we've heard that phrase. and I feel like we have never heard it, but today we've heard it twice. Never heard it before. And after being guarded there and all night, Lindsay was taken to Chickashaw, where he confessed to whiskey peddling. He's wanted in Chickasaw on three other charges in Lindsay for several offenses and by the federal authorities for breaking U.S. laws. We can safely predict that he will get his.

Jesus Christ. Chill out. I feel like there should be a news emoji at the end of that. Yeah, we'll show him. There's something great about robbing someone doing something illegal. So, like, stealing a guy's bootleg boots because that he's like, what are you freaking out about? He's like, someone took that, that money, took, nothing.

It's fine. Just, yeah. Or, or maybe there was legitimate stuff in there. Okay. And he's being framed. Why? Why immediately jump to think that please is a criminal? Thank you. Devilish idea.

Thank you. That's quite a, that's quite a, that's, that's quite a theory. I like it. So you rob the trunk and then you just put three bottles of bootlegged whiskey in it. Yeah. And then whatever he's saying, the police are like, shut up, asshole. We don't believe you bootleggers. You take out all.

Someone took out with all my salamanders, though. Yeah, right. We know it was in there. You take out all the cameras. And chandelobras and robes, and you replace it with whiskey. How am I going to do my show tonight? What are I going to do with my show? It's just a regular packed suitcase.

It's your regular packed suitcase. Hey, look at another shirt. Okay. How many did I pack? This is crazy. This is some crazy stuff, guys. You ever see a belt? Look at that.

Oh, which loop am I on? I don't even remember. And I got two of these freaking things. Oh, boy. Are you guys understanding my hook? It feels like there's a lot of blank stares out there right now. I'm just imagining a belt in each arm waving like it's one of those things outside of a car dealership. Several morals are attached to this tail of a trunk among which is this one.

If you must petal booze, do not patronize yourself unless you are willing for your friends to spirit away your spirits. Yeah, you got drunk with a bunch of guys, and he told him he's got booze in his room. Oh, my God. The writer of this line item, I hesitate to even call it an article. You know that they had that line at the end? And then they just, they're like, I got to write this. This line is too good to waste. I know where I'm headed. I got my ending. He's got note cards on his wall. I know the ending. I know the ending, which is good. Like he's plotting a TV show? Yeah. All right. So then line two. Oh, do you want to know the price of eggs?

Let's guess. Let's guess. What, for a dozen or an egg? How did they sell them back? I don't know. It just says eggs. It doesn't say. You've got a price of eggs? That's what you have. It just says eggs and then there's a price. Based on the price, what do you think? Is it per egg or per... Yeah.

I'm out. Per egg. I think it's per egg. Per egg? I'm going to say two cents. I'm going to say... Four cents. It's nine cents.

What? What is Trump in the White House? Corn is 45 to 49 cents. What? Maybe they said, corn by the dozen? I'll take 12 kernels. I'll do 12

cobs. There we go. J.G. McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today. They only did initials for like a full century. Yeah, there was a while where they just

did initials. That's it. They'd give your address out, but they'd be like, Nobody could know the first two names. Yeah. Q.W. W. W. Inzel. Yeah. Who lives on Maine. He carried them out today.

Dave's dog right now is literally like, please. Dave's dog did like a thing in a movie where they were like, you know, people are like slipping on banana peels and they cut to the dog and the dog goes roo. Yeah. That dog right now is, look at that. People slipping on banana peels. This is obviously a Buster Keaton film in my mind. Well, we did an episode on that. of, we did a dollop on the banana.

It is absolutely fucking crate. Like, it's so stupid. It was a legitimate massive crime issue. Yeah, like insurance fraud galore for people just putting out banana peals and just being like, no, God, Zooks. Wasn't it like some con artist that was doing it? It was a bunch of con artists. It was like a thing.

Yeah, it was like the whole movement where like, it was just like, you know how like if you buy like a couple suit of feds now they're like, we need to see ID. Back then, if you were getting three bananas, they're like, we're not idiots. We know where this is headed. Okay, J.G. McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today for the first time in three weeks. What a lovely story about making the infirmed work. Did it say you got his Medicare benefits then? No, no, no, but that's why you had to keep carrying.

There you go now. Walk it off. Walk your rheumatism off. You're ready to go. Did Hemingway write that? That's just like one sentence. Guest Editor Ernest Hemingway. Can you guess which dog that is? That is Maple. Nope. Pablo? Nope.

My boy? That's your boy. that's Larry that's Larry he got a cut he got a summer cut wow he looks way different it's a beautiful cut he does you ruined your dog yep yeah it's over he's depressed he's not I mean it's like one he's still in bed he's like I can't do this shit uh J. E. McMinn recently purchased a fine violin and has been making the evenings melodious Mac is a good musician which back then is probably enjoyable, but my brain just thinks of today where I'll be like, take your fiddle and shove

it up your ass. Get that thing to fuck out of here. What if it's just turkey in the straw over and over again? Do you know anything else? No. Do you care to? No, uh. I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago, and he was like, oh yeah, just come over, stay at my place. You know, and I was like, buddy, love you, but probably not going to do that. So I ended up booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa right on the well land, I believe, canal. And yeah, it was awesome. I had like, there was like a little dock, there were big windows, the whole nature meets city vibe. It was perfect.

By day three, like Phil was like, can I crash here? And I was like, no, you have a home. But he did. And that's really when it hit me, that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there, but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock, drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space, it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to, you know, go towards whatever. car payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life, it's flexible, it's on your schedule, and it works around your lifestyle, whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own Phil in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place,

this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.c.ca. slash host. I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago. And he was like, oh, yeah, just come over, stay at my place. You know, and I was like, buddy, love you, but probably not going to do that. So I ended up booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa right on the well land, I believe, canal. And yeah, it was awesome. I had like, there was like a little dock. there were big windows, the whole nature meets city vibe. It was perfect. By day three,

like Phil was like, can I crash here? And I was like, no, you have a home. But he did. And that's really when it hit me, that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there, but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock, drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space, it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to, you know, go towards whatever, car payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life. It's flexible. It's on your schedule, and it works around your lifestyle. Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be

worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca. slash host. Uh, J.E. Henry's, these guys' names all start with the initials. Stop. They all start with Jay. It's ridiculously stupid. Jay Henry's Wagon Show is to be here this evening according to the posters. Oh, my God. It's a wagon show.

It's got to be absolutely horrible. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the Red Wagon? Whoa. And people are like, oh my God. There's a spotlight on the wagon. and everyone just clapping for like 10 minutes and then they pull it off. And now the blue wagon.

Yeah! And now some prop comedy from Lindsay. Well, that's going to be a hard act to follow. By the way, hey, you ever seen a cane? What are these things? That's crazy. Ever seen someone walk him with it? They're like, it helps me walk.

This one's curved. This one's straight. Pick a shape. I'm sorry. I didn't know we could do it both ways. That's pretty crazy to me Anytime someone talks about a prop comic Most people think a carrot top

But for most people That's just a A memory or a vision of a guy Who pulls things out and talks about them For me Saying this on the streets of Vegas With nobody around For me

It's what a wind Just the wind Carrying like little flyers behind him The story happened in Vegas. It's Carrot Top trying to get me to go to a brothel so he can watch me have sex.

He tried for a good half hour and I was like, that's not, that's absolutely not happening. Is this a prop or comedy? Pre-ripped Carat-op? Yes. Okay. So he couldn't just like pick you up and go, we're going to a brothel. Fuck him.

Suck this man's dick. Mr. Top. Please, shut up. Boy, he's really violent. It's not carrot bottom. Yeah. Bang my friend. Do what Caratop says.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. J.E. Henry's Wagon Show is to be here this evening, according to posters displayed in and about town. The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize the value. This so-called circus. The wagon guy's like, don't call it a circus. It's not a circus. It's a wagon show.

I have five bunnies. Where's the ringmaster wagon, man? No, no, it's not what it is. The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize the value of newspaper advertising, which leads us to doubt whether it is much of a go. Salty-ass publication, wanted some money. This dumb, dip shit couldn't take out a two-spoly. sent ad. Yeah, idiot.

Hey, you come to Alex. You pay for a fucking ad. Yeah. You understand? By the way. Or your circus isn't a circus. Writing an article about a wagon show that hasn't paid for advertising is really the dumbest gripe of all time.

Nobody's going to know about his wagon show because he didn't put his name in the paper. Alex, who comes here Thursday night with his wagon show. They should rename the Streisand effect, the wagon show effect. The wagon show effect. Because Now everybody wants to, now everybody knows about the wagon show. People are like, I don't understand.

It's like, well, there was one time a wagon show where, you guys can do a dollop episode on why it's called the wagon show. The eras of the effects. That's right. It's called the dinosaur effect. Musical is a word. Musical is a word. Musical by pupils of Miss Lockhart. Last Friday evening occurred one of the most pleasant events which Alex people have enjoyed for some time.

This was the occasion of the musicale given by the pupils of Miss Gordon Lockhart at the Adair home. The people showed remarkable proficiency and delightfully entertained the audience of invited guests which had gathered. So this is a time period where you had to go to shit like this because it was all that was happening. And it's horrendous. someone's house? Yeah, what is happening? The kids sang. They did a musical.

It's like a school musical, like that kind of thing. The thing you wouldn't go to unless you were a parent. He was a parent. You're like, this should be shorter, shouldn't it? Like the thing, like, if your parents are having a dinner party or something and you go down and, like, sing a son. I never did this. Just so we're clear. Yeah, absolutely clear.

Yeah, he did. But I hear all these stories of like actors. They're like, yeah, I used to, when my parents had a dinner party, I'd go down and sing something from South Pacific. And everyone clapped, and that's now why I'm an actor. It doesn't take much to make me hate actors all over again, but that pretty much does it. And it's so reminiscent of what I did. And by the way, I just want to say, because, Dave,

I think you threw out something that might offend some of our listenership, which is that you don't have to have a kid in, like, a choir or a concert to go to that stuff. Yeah, you do. No, you don't. I've gone to a ton of those. Because you have nieces and nephews. No, no, no. I go to a school where I don't know anyone.

Some nights I'll just be a little down in the dump. Stop it. Sometimes I'll just find out that I'll just go to the school and I'll just go stand in the back and I'll just be like, man, this is just fun. This is just good time. You and Dershowitz. Just go into a couple of easy-going dudes who just get how it works. I love my Dershow. Okay, musical is a thing.

It's a musical gathering or concert, typically small and informal, often private. So it's an actual thing. Sounds horrible. So here's an example used in a sentence, musicales at which Anita and her mother played the piano. It sounds terrible. Country of origin for the word? Yeah, please.

I would much rather go see a wagon event. I'm going to sit in someone's living room Be like, oh, cool, mother-daughter. The embroidery club met Wednesday with Miss Bednar And spent a most enjoyable afternoon Vocal and Instrumental Music Being an agreeable feature Dainty refreshments were served

Every man was the first two initials And every woman was just the last name and a miss. Miss, she gets a miss, yeah. Well, she's not a full human. She's not. Not until like 19, what, 67? I think we're going to repeal that nasty law pretty soon, Andy. I would like to point out that there is a newspaper story about an embroidery club,

and Gareth is stuck on the name. Gareth, it is a newspaper story about embroidering. Doesn't surprise me. My first thought was it does not surprise me. There is nothing going on. There is nothing going on. I don't know if you read the New York Times. but there's embroidery articles all the time.

Ever heard of Etsy? A1 embroidery and then like D-17, something about maybe genocide somewhere. But the embroidery's page one. Boy, they've really, they're handling it well. As they always do. Quite a number of members were absent through illness,

and we thought it a measly shame. A measly? I think it's a Like you're one of the little rascals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a word. I think it's word play. Contemptibly smaller few.

No, I guess it's not. A measly. Measley's tiny, yeah. Oh, I thought you were just like saying it like a measly. That's what I, I meant like a disease, like you didn't show up because you have measles. That would be great. Maybe, but honestly, that might be what's going on

because he put measly in quotes, which is what... So, in other words, we understood measles better that time than we do now? No, now you get it. The HHS secretary was... No, you want to get it, so then you don't get it again. It's great for you. That's what they say. No, it's good.

No, I always say, listen to the guy who... God's trying to remove his voice for the sake of society. Listen to that guy. Please listen to me. Like, evolution is trying to silence our... Okay. Hold on. Drink pond water. You know, it's great to have a guy in charge of our health who wakes up every morning and just chugs a glass of feces. Chugs a glass of feces and then does roids and is like, our bodies are temples.

Wait, sorry, I'm not supposed to do that? No. No, I like it for you. I like that for you a lot. I mean, do you not like my, like, my shiny skin? No, you look very, you're definitely. You look great. You look great. I mean, there's no doubt about it. I think, yeah.

It feels like you want us to keep going, so I'll keep trying. But, yeah, you look really good and jacked, and the roids are really working. Yeah, they're working. You've got a good, you've got a healthy, everything about you looks very healthy. A glow. You got a glow. There's a big glow. There's that Beckerman blossom.

The Beckerman, yeah, the Beckhamen Blossom is what they call it. Doctors can't figure out what's wrong. well that's an interesting follow-up obviously but but you know I think I would you know let them look is what I would say let them keep looking handy because you're looking good so I don't know what they're yeah what they're even going for so uh you know I was a lucky lady lucky woman lucky woman without I'm not allowed to sleep in the bed with her well I mean again I think let you know what let's let's get back to the paper because I think when we're doing the personal stuff it start it's getting a little it's upsetting

maybe but good for you and let those doctors let those doctors figure it out and yeah i'm sure you sleep in a little maybe a little bed near the bed or something like that maybe is where she's got here floor yeah floor maybe there's a space under the bed okay all right okay that's crazy to hear like that like that x files episode yeah yeah no that's crazy to hear that he's that he's under the bed dave obviously that's i mean that's not great i think yeah i don't i don't love it to be honest with you okay yeah all right all right three Two, one. Hurry up.

And Jesus. And great big bundles of old paper for sale at the Tribune office. Five cents buys a bunch. So for, for. Look. This is like, this is their, their Times version of like a CDD collection. What else is there to do?

You just get old papers and read them. Yeah. You just grab it. You back. Wow. We were so dumb back then. Now drink your iodine. We knew so little. There was cocaine in this soda? Crazy.

That's crazy. Hey, honey, will you pass the radium? I just want a couple licks. I just want to do a couple licks before bed. I want to read in bed, so I'll just open my mouth so you don't get disturbed. Can you help me? My jaw's feeling a little detached. Not too much. Don't move it too much. The Mystic Cave Company at Sulphur has been in Corp.

Yeah, we're out. That's a great name for a production company. Mystic Cave Company. And Hathaway. What happens in it? Is in a story that will blow your mind. Something you've never seen before. We definitely have it filmed and edited.

We should go downstairs and check out the basement. Uh-oh. What's in the basement? Probably something dramatic. Is it a cave? What is that? This summer. Or some summer.

Summer. Yes. And Hathaway is filmed. in this the mystic cave company at sulfur has been incorporated with a capital stock of 20,000 it is the purpose

of the company to explore the cave which has been the subject of many in newspaper story what so this is kind of like they're submersible I think they're I mean they're trying to sell stock in a bullshit thing is what yeah it sounds like uh it sounds like absolutely the second anyone

asks questions you're like let me take you let me take you down there i'll show you how good it is there you go as they're like they're walking behind you like slapping a blackjack onto their palm yeah right yeah yeah just go down the cave you'll come back up for sure there you go you got this feel better kill the lamp i mean there is a Mystic Caverns in Sulphur City, Texas, I think. Sulfur City, Texas. Oh, no, it's in Harrison, Arkansas. No.

No, it's in Schittsville, Texas. I like how it's either Texas or Arkansas. Two of our finest. I don't know. I mean, you know, we got nothing on this. Nothing ever came of the sulfur caverns. I mean, the Mystic Caverns. I'm sorry.

Mathaway. Is Mystic Cave still a company? Can I still buy stock in them? Andy, Andy, why are you so good? Andy. Hold on. Let me open Mike. No, no, no.

No, no. No, Andy. Let's get rich. Andy, Andy. Andy, they, they, they, Andy, this is over a hundred years ago. They folded. Andy. Still investing.

It'll come back. That's what everyone tells me out of the stock market. Andy, Andy, Andy, no. It's coming back. Andy. $80,000. No, my God. Andy.

Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy, no. It's good. I like to see some of a little hope.

Too late. I think he made a really good buy. Hey, honey, how was work? I made some interesting investments at home while you were gone. I mean, climate change is going to destroy everything anyway in my lifetime. So, like, why not invest $80,000 in a company that no longer exists? Yeah. I guess find the flaw in that logic.

Find the flaw. It's hard for me to push back, to be honest with you. I don't know. Remember what is, like, our grandkids' kids' lifetime? Like, in our lifetimes, it went from grandkids' kids' lifetime to, like, yeah, it'll probably take us all out. Yeah. That's cool.

Even when it was like your kids, I was like, all right, let's keep it there, not any closer. No, it's like, no, we're all going to die from it. Yeah, yeah. Remember when you could look, you could, like, say, like, oh, it's going to, climate change going to kill us soon and then you look at your watch as a joke like as if it was happening now you can literally look at your watch and be like oh yes no uh in the next three hours there's going to be like a class 12 fire cane that's kind of fly through here where they just keep going like once in a century you say that every weekend now so i don't know time to change our metrics

uh mother's modest demands lawyers will take almost any case and chicago lawyers it seems will anything. A Chicago woman put her son in a children's home there and is now bringing suit because they cut off the boys curls. She's right. Oh, my Lord. A suit over curls. Is it just a short haircut or did they shave the kid's head? I bet they shaved it, but that's how we... Every time you got a bad haircut, you could bring a suit. That would be pretty bad. I mean, most haircuts, in the wild, you're like, oh, God. Oh, terrible. Like when you're in the middle of a bad haircut, and you're like, and you've got to still sit there and be like, that was awesome.

Thank you. John Grisham's Barbershop. John Grishams. Anne Hathaway. A Mystic Cave production. Every curl was worth $1,000 to me, she says. And they gave him a bath, too, against my wishes.

Oh, Christ. Plus, they They took off his back tar. I brought my little dirt boy in, and they fixed him. Now, you leave him nice and dirty and curly. Do you understand? I'll be back at five, honey. With this, he smells like violets? Yes, we bathe.

He's not my kid anymore. Get rid of him. You can keep him. My boy had curls and was filthy. Goodbye. Enjoy your new life, Gabriel. He is a delicate child, and bathing makes him sick. I haven't given him a bath since a year ago,

Christmas cheese. Boy, we are really RFKing. No, I'm just imagining like the shape of a child, but you just see bugs crawling all over this shape, like centipedes and whites. Like an anime creature. I haven't given him a bath for over a year. You broke our streak. That tub, they were like, sweet God, throw the tub out. But you poke through and there's no actual child below there it's just the bud the child's gone now. It's just a bright shape of a child. This is just a million bugs who got a wig.

Help us. Can you feed us more larvae? Our curls! Our curls are gone. Our curse of our power. The bug's freaking out. Well, we had a good run, boys. I'll be honest.

We're not a boy at all. You got us. You got us. All right. It is, she's asking for 15,000. What? It's just nuts. That's 12 million eggs.

Well, that's actually $574,000 today. Oh, and now makes sense. Sure. Sounded nuts back then. Yeah. But when you. adjust for inflation. Yeah, no, now I get it.

No, now I get it. No, now I get it. Yeah, you get it, right? Yeah, you cut off his curls and you bathe them, so now I want half a million dollars. How will we have more for less? Hair doesn't grow and dirt doesn't accumulate. This boys are forever different.

This one time the CIA put a splinter in my finger. Now, Andy, and I sued them. Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy. No, did you happen? Andy. And I sued them for over $6 million. And I won. Is that right?

I mean, you just invested $80,000 in a cave that was a swindle. Where do you think I got the $8,000 from? Okay. $80,000. Cash Patel. What? I don't know who the CIA director is. So it's Cash Patel.

Andy walked over and he had the money directly. Have you stopped taking your meds? I didn't start taking them. The doctor is very angry. Boom. Like, are you going, like, you've been buying them. I prescribe them for you for years. I like to swim in pills.

Yeah, like Scrooge McDuck with pills. I scrooge McDuck in my pills. I'm just diving into a bin of Zoloft. Oh, yeah. Spitting it out. A contortionist gave a free show at a pool hall Wednesday night. He raised. several dollars among the onlookers.

Oh, my God. That means you're, you've lost a bunch of, you've lost a bunch of at that game. It's just like a terrible contort. He's like almost touching his toes. Bet you didn't know that was possible, did you? Give him a dollar and get out of here.

Journalistic shade. Ah? Look at that. I can scratch the back of my head. Look at that. I can put my elbow all the way behind my head. Uh-huh. Now, give me four quarters.

I'm going to put him on my elbow and catch him. This guy, he's opening for Please. He's opening for a wagon guy. A wagon guy's like, boy, this guy fucking sucks. I mean, I'm terrible. Hold on. This is like a great show. You got the Cotorcious.

You got Louise Lindsay. And then you got some wagons. That's a pretty good lineup. Yeah. I don't hate it. Oh. Some dogs. You didn't like it.

At dog moment, the, sometimes Larry, that was Larry that got down. And that's Pablo that's now laying on the, it's so Pablo came over and he's like, you want to hang out and sleep together? And Larry was like, goodbye. Sounds like us. Yeah. The little ones, many wrinkles are smoothed away by the soft fingers of little children. Oh.

By Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, my God. What the fuck? What the fuck? fuck that's what i'm saying that's all i was doing was getting younger come on down to creepy spa what the fuck uh it's not uh great it's not great you better have more than that because that is crazy the music of their flute like voices it's not getting better it's not getting better it's not getting better oh my god just going down somewhere where kids are working kids are just

indentured and they're just rubbing your face and you're like, don't stop talking, kids. It's like a travel brochure for a little St. James. Just make me youthful again. Come on down to Dershowitz Spa. If you're just in the lobby and you're like, oh look, there's a bunch of you could go spulunking.

Hey, look at this, honey. Apparently these kids will touch you all over to get rid of wrinkles and their voices help too. I didn't know about this before I booked this vacation. I swear to God, I didn't specifically call about this. I might go back for wrinkle treatment again. The music of their flute-like voices calms the most turbulent mood and banishes the darkest frown. The power of the little ones consists of their...

In their innocence. Which I plan on taking from them. This is the worst thing we've ever read on this podcast. This is a really bad one. this is like an evil cartoon you know like where like we're we've trapped the kids and we're sucking the innocence out with these magic syringe yeah oh just resurping innocence through child massages just like something like Disney made in like 1982 yeah they were like being bankrupted who's the who's the billionaire that takes the blood of his field did Brian oh no that guy oh

that guy that guy was like I'm never going to age and it's like, dude, nobody wants to fuck you, okay? You look like a mannequin. He looks like the cryptkeeper, right? He looked, yeah, he's like, I look so young. It's like, you look like you don't exist with us. That's what you look like. He's like, it's all carrots and my son's blood.

He's like, yeah, no, I don't know what your plan is here. At some point, go do something. That might be nice. He's like, I can't. I have to stay in my chamber, so I never age. I drank the wrong grail. He chose poorly. They bear in their hands that lily the magic might of which gates the brass cannot resist.

Oh, this is fucking, this is like Trump's letter to Epstein. Do you notice how flowery the language got once it was about child's labor? Let's just say child labor. at best at best yeah Jesus Christ like they really had to dress it up they really they were like get Yates in here we really got to make this a little bit more colorful

otherwise I mean we know what we're really doing otherwise this is the most evil thing anyone's ever written oh my god a tiny spa that was that was horrible Marquis Sods over here vomiting so evil eh eh yeah yarn

How was the massage? It was insane. It was absolutely insane. I guess they get four kids to do it instead. It was super bad. It made me really tense, honestly. It was really horrible. But my crows feet are gone.

I mean, I look good. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. I look good. I just, I'm going to have to try to shut out that one kid whispering into my ear, can we trust you? But other than that, it was a pretty nice

experience. I got buttery little fingers. Have it to hear a bunch of kids say save me over and over again? That could help. And by the way, I could even pay attention to their pleas because they got these little flute voices. Just everything sounded like a song.

Please, please. What am I? Seeing a prop comic? Honestly. I mean, it was just like, I just can remember the songs they were saying please please help free us we're not we're here against our will they killed our parents so that we'll forever be here rubbing the heads of adults help please don't ignore us it was just it was an unbelievable experience so catchy piscatorial swear to god i know we're about to start with piss which is a great opening

piss it's good for you piss drink some today drink piss I like to imagine Dave's in that room with all the dogs and he's like just boarded up the door outside and told his wife to leave him be you stay out of here now honey the dog and I live here now or it's like a cask of a Montalado type thing he's been walled in

and he's just podcasting James Henderson while fishing in the Washita last Friday landed a big catfish which furnished eating for a large number of Alex families that evening. Crazy. Do you want to guess how much it weighed?

How much the catfish weighed? Oh, wow. Inflation. I mean, big to feed enough people. I'll go 24 pounds, Andy. 18. Of the scales at the meat market, the fish weighed 64 pounds. That had to get confusing.

64? Yeah. Holy shit. And what would a way in today's wands? Yeah, what is it today? It's one of the ones you put your fist in and the catfish eats around it. You know, the ones. That's huge.

That's crazy. The ones you see on the shows where the guys are like grabbing the fish. Yeah, they're like, yeah. Well, let me introduce you to grab her. He'll show you how to catch. He's like, a teeth, I ain't got a lot, but I'll show you a trick or two. Those who are not acquainted with the Wichita may think this is a common ordinary fish story, but it is not. The fish that swims and the wonderful Washita, the farmers who till the soil, which it makes fertile, and the towns that grow up on the banks, are all waxing fat with prosperity.

Mr. Henderson thinks there are bigger fish in the Washita that have yet to be caught. man there's fish in there that are hundreds of years old that deserve to be dead it's like yeah it's pretty hard to prove you wrong i guess there's fish so big they ain't even been caught and monsters monsters you can't see everywhere all right uncle gregg come on now come on now uncle greg he's doing the monster riff full of great monster meat oh it's so tasty only you could see him to capture them all right We're going to go inside for a little bit. That would be so great to open a restaurant where you're like, we serve monster.

Just so you guys know, there's a monster on the menu tonight. We just killed a fresh monster a couple days ago. So we're low on the meat, but if you want a little monster chili or something like that, don't worry about it. Do you have a specific kind of monster or just monster in general, this thing? This week we actually caught a creature from a lagoon. Oh. Yeah.

So he kind of had gills. and he was tortured, and he was trying to solve something. So we shot him in the head, and we've just been making fillets out of him all week. And I can definitely see it, because last week I came in here, you served me Bigfoot, and it was just an empty plate, and you said, only the right people can see it.

Yeah, no, you'll be able to, this will be, you will get a plate of something. Yes, absolutely. Yep, without question. Hey, give me two helpins. Yeah, there you go. You're going to love it. This guy falling,

off the bone. I will point out there has been a bit of controversy over whether or not this was just a man swimming. A man swimming with a catfish attached to his head. A man with a catfish on his arm. All right. Enjoy. Eight sausage to win wife. Sorry, say that again, please. Eight sausage to win wife. Is this how Joey Chestnut got married? This is not even knowing that. Oh, eight A-T-E. Sorry, in my mind. I swear to God, I thought the number two. I thought, in my mind, this is like the most Dada construction for a headline ever. I thought it was like.

It was just like, you show up and you're just like, sir, I want your daughter. Well, she's not going to come cheap. I want 15 sausage for her. I'll give you eight to. Eight. Eight would be just for some random. This is a perfect woman. You're going to need to up it from eight.

I'm not calling it. I should have. I should have. I mean, I think you know. negotiate. I don't know if you know how to negotiate. Have you never worked in this sausage market? $80,000 to buy into your company. We don't,

no, no. Sir, we're a sausage people. Okay. So Dave, you're muted again. Okay. Sorry, there's a lot going on here with dogs. No, he meant your personality is too muted. We want to see more, Dave. Really swing. When Heinrich was courting

Mary, he had a rival, one John Beerman. This is how America pictured Germans. Yeah. The two met one evening at her home and got into a dispute as to their capacity for Frankfurters. Which happens. Amongst the Germans, this

happens. This is a very common thing. I think I could eat far more Frankfurtes than you could. They've got another six years for this to be the stereotype. Yeah. In the demonstration which followed both eight 47, When Johnson became ill and had to retire, or the combat. There was like a guy named Nathan in the bushes who was like, I've got an idea.

Johan will act as best man at the wedding. I completely forgot that this was any nuptial was a part of this. Johan got sick and couldn't eat more sausages, so Heinrich won. And she, being an elegant and wonderful woman, had agreed to this. Whoever eats the most sausages gets my hand in marriage. The way to figure out who marries me is the way we always do. Whoever can eat some of sausages. Is there an article about how she feels about this?

Oh, no. Come on. What are you doing? Stop. Jesus Christ. Come on now. This is the locker room. We don't care how they feel how many sausages to pork her.

Yeah. How many sausages can she take? You know what I'm talking about right now? Dave. Dave, easy. How many sausages did you eat? There's double penetration and then there's 47 penetration. David, David. That's Caratops pitch. I just know, anytime I like a girl, I show up and I'm like, I ate 30 sausages. I really like you. Yeah. So, yeah. I really like you a lot. I'm starting to get the feels. So I had another 10 sausages today. After the diarrhea subsides, I would like to come back and marry you.

I'm really, really ill. All I taste is like a metallic. It's bad. Can the tongue quit? I did a Jimmy Dean hot dog commercial and I had to put like 50 hot dogs in my mouth. And you spit them out. But at the end of the day, at the end of the day, my. it was just my my my mouth tasted metallic i was just like this is i had to do hot pockets came up

with a thing called the side shot where it's like a little bun with like hot pocket juice squirted in it no i did a commercial for those and i yeah same thing like had a spit bucket but i was pounding those things in the commercial and the next day i went for a run and as i was running i was like smell and i smell my side shots i'm secreting side shots Oh, shit. Okay. Last one. Woman's secret.

Every woman has a secret. Every woman has a secret. I don't like it when men eat hot dogs for my affections. Honey, there's a fascinating article. Keep that secret to yourself, woman. Lady, stop. She's going to upset the entire sausage market. Stock market crashed.

right 1929 it was from the lack of sausage eating yeah well women finally spoke up about how they feel about sausages now we're all going to be poor great every woman has a secret

that she will not tell her neighbors if she is of the housekeeping kind of woman it is it is a secret connected with good breadmaking or a certain way of testing jelly. This is just so

unfucking believably horrendous. Quick, let's just go around the horn. How do you guys test your jelly? Have a woman doing? I put a sausage in it. Oh my gosh. I genetically engineered a tongue. Put the jelly on it.

However, the tongue kind of naturally reacts to it. Because there's no like other stuff attached to it. There's no like brain attached to the tongue. You just kind of get a pure. Yeah, yeah. You can just gene engineer stuff now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just for jellies.

It's a crisper. You have a better way of testing jelly? I'd love to hear it. Well, I just, I've filled my wife with it. Now, how do you like this one, Ophelia? Take your feelings out of it. Or maybe it is a secret whereby she can make coffee that her neighbor's despair of equaling. I just love how.

it's almost like women were just shitty Barbie dolls where it was like, you can have jelly tasting or you can have coffee making, but we all know they're gossiping. If she is a vain woman, it is a secret of putting on face powder so that it does not show

or the secret of making some kind of a lotion that will take off sunburn. Don't say that a woman cannot keep a secret. Yeah, you definitely do not want to take off your sunburn. I would, like, if there was one thing I know about 1908 is that melanoma was in style. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Put the butter on. Go stand in the hot sun for a little while. You want that pink color.

Jesus Christ. I mean, my skin look like a brown recluse has been biting it for the last year. I don't know. That's such a bizarre, uh, I mean, I don't know. That, that's such a bizarre, uh, I, feel empty after the end. I wasn't feeling good before it. Can I ask a question? When do newspapers stop with the moralizing? Because every time I listen to

an episode of this, and it's before a certain date, but I don't know what that date is, it's always like the moralizing tone in every article of like, this piece of shit lost all his whiskey and now we're going to throw him in jail. Yeah. David, you'd know better than me.

I think it was, I think it was like the 70s but I think at that point they just put it in the hands of like ask whatever so it switched and then you could and then you could do it in there

like write fake letters and then respond they were like here you go you can be a real piece of shit here so like post Watergate they're like I guess we gotta take this seriously yeah yeah

Dave's weird again well Andy sweet Andy Beckerman, thank you for joining us. A real pleasure. Couples therapy. Beginnings. True, both. And you're only wearing shirts that says Jews now, which is, we love that.

The government has mandated it. They sent me a little star of David that a yellow one. I have to put on my jacket. Like what? I got more than, I got, I don't have more than one jacket. I do. They got to send me more yellow stars a day. save it. I got three jackets.

I just keep changing it. First of all, stop wearing so many things, and we'll give you one star. We don't have enough star. The economy is the economy. We don't have this big star budget, okay? We're not a hidden cave with an Anne Hathaway in it, okay?

All right, everybody. This was the pastimes. Thank you. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. some of these days Hey dollop fans I know you love the dollop

You love listening to the dollop Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes So if you want to go watch A five-partner animation,

which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube, and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff,

the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.