The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 140 - The Pig War (Live in Vancouver)

Episode Date: December 20, 2015

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by the hosts of Stop Podcasting Yourself, Graham Clark and Dave Shumka, to discuss The Pig War. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Would you please give a very warm welcome to Mr. Gareth Reynolds and Mr. Dave Anthony of the dollop everyone. There we go.

That died. That died. Huh? Huh? It's Gareth come on guys you know this shit. You guys know better. Is this a good arrangement Dave? Should I sit here? It's okay buddy. It's in here. Harry's book of magic. This is probably the only place I can say this or it might get a reaction so I just like to start up by saying go Kings, right? It's true. Good start. Go at them about their sports teams right away. They took that a little too serious. What's fucking hockey? Fucking hockey guys. It's not fucking hockey. It's fucking hockey. It's different. What does that mean? It's a different inflection. You said it's fucking hockey. It's fucking

hockey. Yeah, no. Not here. I had to fucking explain curling today to my six-year-old so fuck you. What mom does? No. Why the broom? I explain it to him and he's like that doesn't make no but why? I mean he is just a little Dave. It's like watching a little Dave absorb the world. Why brooms? Easy Finn. Easy baby. Back it down. Great weather. Thanks for that. Yeah. I walked in the rain today because I was like I want to see the city. People are all like it's just like just wear like a summer coat. What the fuck is that? A summer coat? You know what weather is? Like it's fucking cold. No, it's not. Yeah. Forty's cold to other humans. I used to be

friends with you. Do you guys know what Ian Bag is? Really? He's huge here, huh? Holy shit you guys. Local boy, Ian Bag. But when I first started doing comedy we hung out a lot in New York City and it would be like 50 degrees. You always be walking around in shorts. It's fucking great out. It's not fucking great out right now. All you need is a summer coat. Anyway, I'm happy for you guys. I'd love to have a look at some of your summer coats. But yeah. Hi. So we're gonna start, we did a podcast earlier in the hotel room and... Yeah, that's right. Without microphones. Well no. Just two guys talking. Just two guys talking into each other. We had a talk.

About this far apart. Yeah. Yeah. Just a couple of dudes chatting. Yeah. A couple of shirtless dudes chatting. Chatting. Podcasting without mics. Forgetting about their families. Just feeling the warmth of another man's breath on your face. That's mean who's not turned on right now. Besides Cosby. Did they, did they, did Caitlin say he'll be here tomorrow night? Did you guys hear that? What? Oh yeah. Gareth will be doing the Sunday show. Is it called the Sunday show, right? Sunday show. Yeah. I already fucked up. Is that weird that I already got a name wrong? Gareth will be performing. Yes. Tomorrow night. Stand up and improv. You can see him do Stand Up and Improv. I'll be in America.

I'm not leaving you guys. Because I work on a television show. All right. Well. Dave, Dave, Dave, David, David, Dave, sit down. David, Dave, sit back down. I act on it. David. I write on it. I've been nominated for WGA award. Dave, David, David, Dave, Dave. I'll be, I'll be directing one this year. I'll be directing. Why are you stretching right now? So I'll be directing. Yeah. All right. Sit down. That's not a stretch. Yeah. All right. Oh God. Things are good. Sit the fuck down. Uh, you guys may know just looking at what's on the movie tonight. Oh, it's Paint your wagon. Paint your wagon. So this plays up to date.

I hope you guys know these next two guests. They are, I would call them Vancouver giants. Some say Vancouver Kings. The Kings of Vancouver. Uh, I'm going to try not to fuck up one name. The other one's super, the other one's super easy. Ladies and gentlemen, from the stop podcasting yourself, a Graham Clark and Dave is Shemka. I fuck it up. I fucked it up. Did I fuck it up? I got close. Shumki. Shumka. How did I fuck it up? I said it to you three times. I don't know. Shumka. Hi. Hi. I'm gonna go. All right. Let's wrap it up. Alrighty.

Good warm up. We tried. Thanks for having us. Oh fuck. I just realized I didn't put a date on this one. Look, when you go, do your job, Anthony, when you go to another country, you're like, I don't know anything about these fucking people. And then people started giving you ideas. Some guy wrote me a whole fucking giant thing about this hockey player. Lind. Trevor Linden. Nope. Nope. He's a guy who just like plays in the minors and he played for the sharks for a little bit. Then he got into a car accident and now he just, he's like a fighter. He's like a goon, but he's like the greatest goon. Like it's crazy. And I was like, well, this guy's still alive. So I gotta wait till something weird happens to him.

But people sent me tons of ideas and I started, I started getting into him and I'd be like, ah, this one doesn't work. So it takes a while when you don't know a country. So I finally settled on one that someone had sent me a long time ago and I was like, fuck you. But I did that one. Yeah. It's a good response to someone who's trying to help person. Block them and tell them to go fuck themselves. That's all it is. So anyway, it took me a long time to settle on a story. And so I was writing it up, up until 630. Four people were very impressed. Yeah, they were. That reaction. You didn't say 630 in the morning, 630 at night. But people, we don't know when you started, but still, wow, wrapping it up at 630.

So anyway, well, what are you going to shout at the beginning? 1803. Oh, okay. You do have something. Suckers. Boy, she pops. James Douglas. All right. All right. Okay, checks out sofa. Right now, it seems pretty like on point. It was born in what is now Guyana. Guyana. Fuck, I'm already drunk. Ready? His dad was a Scottish merchant. Oh, boy. He's a good boy. His mother was Martha Ann Teller, and she was a mixed race lady from Barbados. So that was rare at the time. White dude doing that. I'm all for it. Yeah, I think it's great. Yeah, I think it's terrific. Back then, I would have been like, sir, David, David, don't look me in the eye. Don't elaborate.

Just we're happy for them and always would have been. Yeah. All the back land, I think I would have been dead by now. Let's go. Yeah. I do want to apologize if I've offended anyone. I know you guys have a really large. Keep going. Black community. Keep reading. Also, the two were never married. So in layman's terms, James was a bastard. That I do not support. But if you're raised by a Scottish person, it's hard to tell if that means like you're an actual bastard and just like, look at my little bastard. My little bastard's walking. Look at the little bastard eat. He's eating his pasta, just like an eagle of bastard. So there they just yell at them for doing regular stuff?

Yeah, yeah. Have you met Scottish people? Yeah, they yell about everything. So they will say in Scotland, look at that bastard eat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a goat or something. In 1812, the family went back to Scotland. Oh, boy. So James has a Scottish accent. Hey, that's good. At 16, James headed for North America. He landed a job with the Northwest Company, a fur company. Okay, I was going to say if it's just the Northwest Company, that's obviously a cover. What do you guys make? Things for the Northwest. Northwest Company stuff. The Hudson Bay Company, which I'll call the HBC from now on. Cool. Yeah. Don't wink at me. That's what you guys call it. That's what you guys call it now, right?

How many work for the HBC at this point? Are they the ones that make the fried chicken? Yeah, that is correct. That is correct. I've really hit something here. The Northwest Company was the HBC's main rivalry, and the two companies would have fights with each other over territory, beavers, and in one big battle, Pemmican. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Sorry, Pellican? Pemmican. Pemmican? Pemmican. So like a Pellican, but longer beak? Nope. Very not. Right. So first nation's delicacy. Pemmican is when you cook, and then you dry meat, and then you grind it into a powder, and then you combine that with fat, and then you put it in a bag, and you go, I'm going out to get some beavers, and off you go into the forest.

So these people, it's second of poutine, as far as I know. So cocaine beef? It is cocaine beef. You just snored it, and all you do is talk about burgers. That's like, oh man, I fucking love burgers. I'm out of my gums. It's like I'm chewing. So that's when the traders ate. They'd have a bag of this shit, and that was how they survived out in the wild. They had dusty meat? And fat, combined with fat. Yeah. And then fat. Okay. Yum. It's like a dipping sauce. Oh, great, great. It's like hummus and pita. The Northwest Company stole a supply of Pemmican from the HBC, and so they actually had a battle in 1816, and 21 dudes were killed.

Holy shit. So Pemmican was no fucking joke. Over dusted meat, people died. Imagine working for a store, and your boss is like, actually we're going to go to war, which is the store across the street. You might die. This is my first day. They took our Pemmican, put on your armor. You mean our beef snort? That's what I think they would have called it. Your beef snort. Put on your beef suit. It is believed that James Douglas may have actually fought in some battles. But just five years later in 1821, the Northwest Company merged with the Hudson Bay Company. Oh, word. Oh, that's a hard first day. Oh my god. Hey. We just realized it was dusty beef,

and boy, powdered egg on our face. Holy shit. Oh man. Good lord. A little bit of fat and a little bit of fat. So you're still missing that eye I gouged out. Okay. Yeah, that ain't that ain't growing back. You guys good other than that or? You know, it would look good in that eye socket. A little dusty beef. Yeah. I always liked the fat better. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you do. You just take the fat. I just like it better on the tongue. You really hit a nerve there. Yeah. It's like when people say, you know, you talk to someone, you chew the fat, you also use to say, use to snort the beef. I just bet Carl, we snorted the beef for an hour. His wife's good. She's good. Kathy's fine. Where's the beef in my nose? Am I

right? No, I'm wrong. Okay. But that is a really awkward sneeze. Beef cloud. Basically like a ramen packet. Unflavored noodles. Do not stand. Well, we still have the shrimp one. Yeah, nobody wants shrimp. Shrimp one. I never would eat the shrimp one. It always terrified me. Yes, it should. The beef one was tasty. Oh, it's powdered beef. You're one of them. James Douglas moved up the ranks at the combined company pretty quickly in 1825. He was put in charge of the founding of the Fort of Vermillion, which was a trading post in Alberta. In 1827, he established Fort Donnelly. Dude's a baller. He's a fucking baller. He was next sent to Fort Vancouver. He worked there as a chief accountant. Yeah. Bam. Do you have to wear a headdress when

you're that guy? Sit into the middle of fucking nowhere and do the paperwork. Do you have to wear chief accountant? Yeah, out of those fucking numbers. Is he in a DP? Chief. He had a whole headdress. We bring you numbers. And then he was made chief trader. Like you've traded. You're in charge of leaving things that you were supposed to be a part of. Not that kind of trader. But you're really good at it. So you're the top one. No. He'd be like, I'm in charge of order belts. He was that guy. Chief trader was a big deal. And then in 1838, James put in charge of the district. So the whole fucking shmugle. I'm sorry. New word. New word. The whole shmugle. Oh man. He was making deals. He was

getting shit done. Sure. He leased land from the Russian American company for the price of 2000 order belts. Wow. Oh man. Who made a good fucking deal? Get it off daddy. Yep. 2000. Can you imagine how many order belts it would be worth today? Oh my god. Oh man. At least four. Imagine. At least four. I just imagined like the Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross speech at the beginning. Pemicons for closers. I mean, 2000 beaver belts last year. You drove here in a muckluck. Put the beef down. Third prize is your eyes gouged out. The Russians were like, look at all these other belts. We fucked those guys, didn't we? Foolish people. Look at all other belts. We got to swim another pill. We should have got a wagon. No, no wagon.

Look, we have other pelt. What we put other pelt in? Oh boy. You raised good point. How we tell Putin? Excuse me? I said, how we tell Putin? Who? Putin. Who's that? Vladimir. You mean the fries with gravy? To get more people to settle in the area, Douglas created the Puget Sound Agricultural Company. Oh, sure. I just realized I got to cut that line out. He hoped to get more people and get rid of the American presence. Okay. In the Oregon territory. People were at the point now where people clap over just that idea. Yeah. Get rid of the American presence. The only time you want

them is on Christmas. Any other time. Get them the fuck out of here. Get out. Both the US and British wanted to have an official claim on what the US called the Oregon Territory and the British called the Columbia Department. Both good names. I'm going to go ahead and disagree with you. But they're both catchy. You can't deny that. I did. Hey, what were they again? The Oregon Territory. Right. Flows. Nice. And the Columbia Department. Does not flow. Both are good. Sounds like a store. It's the whole schmabble. Come check out the fall line at the Columbia Department. Son of a bitch, man. Next to United Colors of Benetton. Fuck. I just got a letter from the Columbia Department. I got to get out of there. Wait, it's like the CDs. I got seven

for one. So I opened the CD from the Columbia Department and now they won't stop sending them. Should get a house or something. In 1840, Douglas was made chief factor. What is his positions are getting bigger and bigger. Yep. President of staff factor. He's in charge of factor. All right. This is the highest rank he could get in the HBC. He founded Fort Victoria. Oh, Fovik. Yeah. Fovik. He chose the site because of its protected harbor and surrounding plains, which would be good for growing food. And because he wanted to create a buffer against the American shitheads moving in. And they were rolling in. Wait, American shitheads? Yeah, girl. First I've heard of it. A thousand Americans came into the Oregon territory

in 1843, followed by 151844. Missouri Senator Thomas Hart Benton said, quote, let the immigrants go on and carry their rifle. 30,000 rifles in Oregon will annihilate the Hudson Bay's company and drive them off our continent. Fuck you. We're not taking sides just to be clear. Oh, I apologize. I take it back. But for all those Americans came and they were like, where's the Wi-Fi? Oh, bars. What's a computer? What is it? I would say that you don't have in and out here. Next, legitimate gripe. You guys still have A and W. Yeah, we still have A and W. Not like they do. They're like, this is legitimate. It's not. And we're like, I guess we'll go there. But you guys are like, hey.

It's pretty good. Yeah, it is pretty good. Oh, I understand what's going on there. Is this part of the history that we're becoming very personal? Well, next, the headed A and W. Thank you. These are roller skates. Chief root beer. Chief of root beer floats. King of W's. And Vice President A. King of Ties. Well, you've been promoted to King. Oh, good. Finally. The British were concerned about the Yankee settlement. By 1845, there were 8,000 Americans most putting down roots in the fertile Willamette Valley. Is it safe to say that if this was today, Trump would be like, keep Americans out of our country. Keep Americans out of it? If he was Canadian? Keep going. You'd be like, I have more auto pelts than anybody

else on here. I don't need to accept auto pelts from any of the superpacks. I started with one auto pelts. Now I have them all. We're going to build a wall of pelts. We'll keep them out. We got some of the finest auto pelts. You're going to love them. I feel like I'm on stage with the three best impressionists in the world. Nobody's doing Trump stuff. Nobody. Do you guys do Bane? Yeah, actually, I do. I do a good Bane and a good walk-in, so. Anakin? Keep going. In 18. What is the force? Yep, yep, yep, yep. Fun. Luke, your father hid this watch inside of his ass. In 1842, HBC had moved their main post from Oregon country to Vancouver Island. You guys are fired up. There it is. They recognized where we are.

George Simpson, who made the decision, called Americans worthless and lawless characters of every description. Unbelievable. I can't deny that. So the Americans and British in the west pretty much hated each other. And James Douglas would never get over being pushed out of the Columbia River Valley by the Americans. Oh boy. Yep. In 1849, Britain leased all of Vancouver Island to the HBC for seven shillings a year. What? What kind of a deal is that? In otter pelts. Yeah, yeah, we're dealing with otter pelt currency. Yeah, you guys want this garbage? Here you go. It's very nice actually. It's a very pretty island. I'm writing down a number. I do. Wait, what? What? It's terrible. It's a terrible number. But sorry, why was it so cheap? Well, okay. Oh,

right. The next sentence is, it was cheap for a reason. You know what I mean? It's actually Gareth. Keep going. The HBC would have to create a colony and return for the rights of the island. The HBC agreed to bring in settlers. Here we go. Hoping to match the American wave of immigration the government told HBC to provide a suitable climate for British settlers. Okay, so that's this is where it's starting. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. That's not gonna be a suit. No, it won't be a suitable climate. Look at all these people. They're all in Vancouver. This could be a happy story. No, it's not. No, they're all waiting for the other shooter drop now. The Oregon Treaty of 1846 had given the US possession of the Pacific Northwest south of the 49th parallel. I know

exactly where that is. You guys know where that is? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you do because you want to get over it. You know what? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, they don't like the Kings. You can't have our television. David. Get your own cable. Sorry, sorry. I don't know if it's over. Are you saying cable? Yeah, they try to get our television. It's okay. It's okay. It's not okay. Let them suck our trash. Oh my god, Dave. A&W is our biggest cable provider. On an all new root beer float. Followed by chili dogs. Speaking of your cable providers, my son came back from Tim Hortons and was like, those donuts are awful. He's six. He's smart. Tim's actually here tonight. So Tim, thank you very much. Thank you, Tim. And I bit

one and I was like, a little chewy. Yeah. Oh, we're not going to defend those. No, yeah. They're garbage. Yeah. When we go and W is an issue. Who fucks up a donut? Oh, fuck. They're made in America. Wow. Wow. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So that's who takes all our shitty donuts. We were wondering, who do we send the garbage ones to? I don't know. The trash truck won't take them. So we should probably put them on a barge to Canada. All right. Oh, donuts. And Tim Horton was born. Oh, these are the chewiest donuts I've ever had. I've invented doughnut gum. I'm throwing away my spearmint gum. Boston cream for me. All right. So 49th parallel, the Western boundary extended. So right, you know, you probably don't know. I have no idea. But it

goes straight across pretty much a little bit of jigging jagged. Yeah. But then it gets over here near Vancouver. She gets a little squirrely. Yeah. The Western boundary extended, quote, to the middle of the channel, which separates the continent from Vancouver Island. While the treaty made it pretty clear where the boundary was, it got pretty convoluted when it came to the San Juan Islands. It read, quote, the line of boundary between the territories of the United States and those of her Britannic majesty, majesty, shall be continued westward along the said 49th parallel of North latitude to the middle of the channel, which separates the continent from Vancouver's island and then southerly through the middle of the said channel,

and of future future future future future one straight to the Pacific Ocean provided, however, that the navigation of the whole of said channel and straight south of the 49th parallel of North latitude remain free and open to both parties. That's a real page turn. Yeah. So this is that's the place where the Uber driver's like, God damn it, sir, what are you? Which one's latitude? Go down the main straight. I'm on main straight. Basically, what happened was is what some guy wrote this and was like, I don't know. So it's just it's just convoluted to be vague is fucking nonsense. Okay. Because it reads very clearly. I don't know. A lot of stuff back then seems like nonsense on it, but I trust it. Yeah. That's true. That's a really good point. Yeah.

One HBC governor read the treaty and said there were two channels, not one, and that might cause problems. He should get a and w they have 90 channels. A lot of them are just hamburger things, though. Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger. US Secretary of State James Buchanan expressed great alarm when he read article one. No one apparently had looked at a map of the area when they wrote it up. Yes. There's a bunch of gobbledygook things out there. You mean islands? Yeah, those things gobbledygooks. Go ahead and do a swirly thing. There we go. But they were ignored and the Treaty of Oregon was signed. The Senate ratified it on January, on July. Nope. That's June 18th and Parliament and Parliament followed suit. They assume the

situation with the tiny meaningless islands would work itself out. Sure. And doesn't land always do that. That's how it always is. People are like, oh, you were here first. My bad. We'll find another island. Take care. You take it. You take it. Oh, you call fives on the island? We'll find another one. Thanks. That's yours. I don't care about islands. Either way. I don't. I don't like land. I'm a country. I'm a water man myself. Big water guy. Hey, water girl. That was your single from the 80s, right? That was my single from the 80s. Hey, water girl. That was my synthesizer. With a budget, who knows what you could have done. Right? Oh, the sky's the limit. I only had a budget, but A&W cut me off.

James Douglas was just waiting to be made Governor of Vancouver Island. It was just a formality at this point. He pretty much been promised the job, and he was the guy with the most shit going on in Columbia. So, bam. Dave. That's the actual, that's how it reads in the Vancouver Bible. But he's not going to get it. You don't know that. I do know that. No, I think this, you don't fucking know that. I do know that. I think he's going to get it. We're all going to get home by nine. Oh, okay. Then suddenly he got a letter stating he's not going to be made Governor. Well, egg on my face. Powdered egg. The job went to Richard Blanchard, who was a 33-year-old bachelor and lawyer from London. He's just a guy who had connections in London and saw Vancouver

as a stepping stone to a career in government. Oh, what a dick. Yeah. Yeah. Douglas was then told to build him a mansion to live in. Oh, get the fuck out. What? So, James, it's kind of twofold. You didn't get the job. I hope you got the letter. Yeah. I think that's everything. Oh, wait. Yeah. Oh, it's one more thing. I'm forgetting it. Was there a house, a house on my apartment? That's it. We need you to build a mansion for the guy who fucked you. Yep. Can you do that? Yeah. And hurry and make it beautiful. Make it beautiful. Like picture your dream house. Build your dream house. The one you want to live in. Build it. And then that guy will live in it. He'll live in it. We're going to have this great ribbon cutting. You'll bend over. It'll be great. You'll bend

over as he walks towards you with the scissors. He's going to fuck you so slow. Wow. In front of that house. Weird ribbon cutting. I'll say that. Hold still. These cameras work very slow. When do they cut the ribbon? Shhh. He was also told to get Blanchards. Go get fucked. Yeah. Build a mansion. And also could you get fucked? So what do we need you to get? Oh, right. Fucked. See you, buddy. He was told to get Blanchards a thousand acres ready for him because Blanchard would be paid by land instead of money. Oh, Jesus. To get the land ready for him? Yeah, get the thousand acres ready. Yeah, prep it. Jesus. You know what? I quit. You guys just don't appreciate what I've done. Where are you going to go to the one of the Pemmican companies?

Goddamn you, Dusty Beef. Northern Pemmican. They won't have you. There was a windstorm. The factory blew away. I can't wait for the end of this when the reveal is A and W Pemmican burgers. Oh, are the other Pemmican shakes? So thick. Oh, tried meat and milk. Come on. It took Blanchard a year to get there. And when he arrived, he asked to see his house. And he's just some English prick who probably doesn't really know the like the understory of all this. So he thought he thought it was going to be a big deal when he when he rolled up and he got off the ship. Pardon me? He got off the ship and I was like, and then he made them come out of the fort and then he read his proclamation and they were like,

I would have done such a shitty job on that mansion now that I think of it. Oh, yeah. I would have put the staircase outside. Sorry, this door doesn't open to anything. Yeah, yeah, that's the fuck you room. All the toilets are upside down. Sorry about that. Bit of a glitch. They took him to see the house and there he found an empty lot. In your face. There it is. Pretty flat. You think you'll be able to live inside of that fuck face? Go to Justin there. They then gave him a shitty room in the fort that was so bad he decided to go back and stay on the ship that brought him there. That's got to be so what a funny little

walk you had to take. Okay, I'm going to go back. Are they rereading the proclamation in the morning? I forgot something in England. I forgot my shoes. You're wearing your shoes. He lived on the ship for about a month, which was not great because the ship was going on runs for supplies the whole time. So he was just hanging out in a car that was like, I'm in charge. I'll be back. See that you built that house. We're going to buy cigarettes. He finally did move into the shitty room in the fort after about a month and waited for his house to be built. It took months of prodding and pushing, but Douglas finally built a tiny house for Blanchard. I'm imagining one man building this whole house. So mad the whole time.

Yeah. Oh my God, the nailing. That's up. You take my bloody mansion, prick. It's going to have lovely indoor plumbing though. I'll say that unbelievable. I've really done myself there. The house was not big enough to host any civic events. The problem the real problem was that there were hardly any settlers. They were mostly all HBC employees. So Douglas had all the power. When Blanchard asked about a thousand, his a thousand acres, Blanchard was told he could use it the thousand acres while he was there, but they were not his to own forever, which was not what he thought. And that's Douglas relaying this? Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's not yours. Oh, have fun on it. Play, kick it in, do every lake. Then when you're gone, it's nothing.

I'm sorry. I thought that it was mine forever. No, no, no. Go fuck yourself. And he was also told only he could farm it because no HBC employees were available to work the land. Well, a thousand acres is easy to tell. Go ahead. Have at it. Yeah, go ahead. Hey, guys, you love Taylor. Go have fun, you bastard. Who's like, who's in charge of these people? I would be going back to my boss in England so fast. You didn't know what he did. He was so mean. I was told things. So, so you're going to just take that quick trip back to Also, I'd email him first. If you've ever been to the Bay, you can't picture any of those people tilling a field, right? Try finding one first. Department store humor. Yeah, I'm smelling some

local humor. ANW. Oh, I know that. It's a burger place. It's an American burger joint. Okay. So, so being an attorney, so being an attorney, Blanchard didn't really have any farming skills. So the land just sat there. All the while Blanchard was using his own money to buy supplies and going broke. He then developed a stabbing pain in the side of his head. Was it a sword? Yeah. I've got a spinning headache. And that's the origin of the phrase stabbing pain. Oh, there's a sword. I want a second opinion. He also had reoccurring bouts of malaria. Reoccurring stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I finally kicked that. Oh, God. He finally gave up. Douglas had driven him out. He resigned. And as soon as his resignation was accepted in London, he took the

first ship out. When he got there, he gave a scathing report. Original Yelp. Oh, why, bitch? And his beef was a little dry. And then James Douglas was made governor in 1852. No one was thinking about the San Juan Islands and the vague wording in the Oregon treaty at that point. Though James Douglas strongly believed the islands belonged to the crown. He believed the San Juans were the logical extension of Vancouver Island. Oh boy. Right, he says. Well, yeah, I mean, I could see. I mean, I mean, he's got a point. He's got a point. I've said too much. I don't know the man. Another reason he believed this was because HBC agents had claimed San Juan Island in 1845 by putting an engraved wooden tablet there. Well, that's a contract. That is

a contract. That's legally a contract. I'll tell you, get shit. Wood is forever. Was it wood or was it grain? Was it made out of grain? No, someone left their jacket on the island like I'll be right back. Nobody's sitting here. Hey, I left my fucking jacket. It's ours. Damn it. What? Okay. It's hard to find a wood plaque now. Oh, yeah. Back then, it was... You order a dozen, they would say. Yeah, true. That is true. Yeah. Talk to my plaque guy. That deserved more. I agree with you. In 1851, Douglas had established a seasonal fish salting station on San Juan. Those two things are how you own something. Sorry, what's the two-part process? Putting a wooden tablet and then starting a fish salting station. That's how everything is owned.

Yep. Always has been. That's how I got my house in LA. People need to occupy a fish salting station. How many people? Yeah. Or should you just put it there like in SimCity? I think it's just one guy salting fish. Yeah. This is what SimCity was real life, right? Seasonal, so he's there for a couple of months. Yeah, salt the bloody fish. Hey, there it is. Salty. Happy. Yeah. Get fucked. Okay. In 1853, the U.S. formed the Washington Territory and with it came an aggressive young governor. Douglas believed this would lead to more Americans moving north of the Columbia River and grabbing land in the basin. Douglas knew the Americans would push up to the 49th and that they would see the San Juans with no trees and awesome soil and start salivating. He told the Colonial Office

that the San Juans would, quote, maintain a large population. In 1853, as the new governor of Vancouver Island, Douglas wrote to the Duke of Newcastle and said he was going to, quote, assert the sovereignty of Her Majesty the Queen to all the islands of the Arrow Archipelago. Archipelago? Archipelago? Sure, we'll do that. This is the old-timey writing that I trust. Yeah. Newcastle did not reply to the letter. So Douglas took that as a green light. Not that he didn't get it in the 18-fucking-50s. It probably went to his spam. Keep going. No. Yeah. I also enclosed a salted fish. Here's a salted fish. I salted it four seasons ago, but it's cool. Here's a picture of the plaque. I'm hiring a pepper guy.

P.S. P.S. Pepper. Let me know if you got a pepper guy. So the first thing Douglas did was he went after American R.W. Cussins who was working some land on Lopez Island. He was cutting lumber and had made $1,500 in improvements. Douglas made Cussins apply for a license and then clear customs in Victoria with the timber, which meant Cussins was forced to pay 10 pence for each 50 cubic meter of lumber. Cussins said he believed the land was U.S. territory, as he had been told, but he was forced to leave due to the terms laid down by Douglas. I was going to make plaques out of these, he said. Ah, fuck. I had all this wood. I didn't make a tablet. Hey. What about my jacket? Sorry, we're going to jack out on this one. I salted a fish.

Fuck off. Leave. Douglas took this as a sweet victory. I've done it. Yeah. He wrote, quote, I have succeeded in defeating every attempt made to preoccupy the Iro Archipagello Palago. Archipagello, you got it. Through the agency of American Squatters so that those islands will still remain a de facto dependency of Vancouver Island unoccupied by any whites except a fishing station, which was established some years ago, by me. Well, I mean, he's really hanging his head on that fish. What are you going to have? A bland fish. You'll die. You'll die. Who's going to give you sweet? You're going to get salt. He ended the letter with a.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Wow. Like he's asking for a bribe. Yeah. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Next, Douglas established a plantation on San Juan Island on December 15th, 1853. Some Hawaiian herdsmen led by Irish men. Hawaiian herdsmen? What? Yeah. So it's a Hawaiian. It's a bunch of Hawaiians. Okay. Led by an Irish guy named Charles John Griffin. It's amazing to think of how that happens. Yeah. Hawaiians were like, we shouldn't have followed this Irish guy. Yeah. We were in Hawaii when we started. How much further? I take it's just a little bit more up front and then on the left, a pretty sharp head. Fuck. I'm fucking lost. And you're telling me this is going to be better than Hawaii? Better. Yeah. Hawaii is a fucking dirt hole. For me.

Better. Way better. What? Way better. The fucking island isn't shooting out fire, or if that's what you're talking about. You live on Hell Island. Hell. Follow me. Wait till you see this fucking beauty. You're telling me this is going to be better than Hell Island. Way better than Hell Island. Oh, absolutely. There's a tablet and some salted fish. Oh, you're going to love this. You're going to freak out. Fucking heaven. Hawaii. What a fucking toilet that was, huh? Imagine having to live in that fucking place. You're unbelievable. You're going to like where I don't know where we're going. You'll love it. You'll love it. It's up here on the left. I swear to God. You guys are going to freak out. You guys are freak out.

You guys are freak out. Making them all wear blindfolds. Yeah. Well, I just want to see your face. Yeah, I just said, no, when you see it, it'll be worth it. It'll be worth it when you see it. You'll love it when you see it. They've all got Hawaiian shirts on and grass skirts. We're freezing. Yeah, I told you pack some pants, but you're fucking, you know. You didn't say that. Did I not? Because I taught it. I definitely taught it. I taught it a bunch of times. You might want to bring an extra layer. Yeah, bring a layer. I said bring an extra hulu skirt. I said that. I remember clearly saying that. Anyway, just up here on the left, I swear to God, a little further. We'll find it. We'll find it. Oh, look, a jacket.

We'll fuck. I think we might be fucked, mate. Griffin brought 1,369 sheep to graze on the island. Wait, wait. Yeah, I know there's a reason. I don't know if they were from Hawaii and they were on a ship. I guess the Hawaiian guys were from Hawaii. I guess it's hard to imagine a boat. It is hard to imagine a boat. It was an arc. Yeah. Yeah, it's like an arc. Oh, yeah. Noah, should we get some of the other animals? No. Goats. Goats. All male. All male goats. Trust me, this party's going to get weird. Trust me. You ever heard of Broke Goat Island? Yeah. I'm not going to lie. God was a little crackly for some of the conversation, but I think he said all guy goats. I'm pretty sure.

Shit's going to get real. He said all male goats. And as many Hawaiians as you can pack in is what he said. He said all Hawaiians and a bunch of goats. Give me like 13 Hawaiians. So all right, 1,369 sheep, and then he also brought a few pigs. Because they were going to make Hawaiians. Griffin named... Griffin invented in Canada. From when the goats are drunk. Griffin named his new home slash ranch Bellevue Sheep Farm. Douglas informed the British government that settlers were now on San Juan Island failing to mention that they were all actually employees of HBC. The Americans were not down with it. In April 1854, the Governor of Washington sent the U.S. customs collector in Port Townsend, Isaac Ebi, to the island. He threatened

to seize British property on San Juan Island to collect duties which were owed to the U.S. because it was U.S. land. In return, Douglas made the sheep farmer Griffin the justice of the peace of San Juan Island. Logical step. Yeah. Okay. You're a cop now. Wait, what? Yeah, that guy said what? He wanted taxes. Yeah, but you're a cop. I'd rather. I don't want to already. Trust me. You're a cop. There's only goats here. Yeah. He just shears all of the criminals when he gets an eye. I'm not sure what you do now. I made my wife a convict coat and she... It doesn't breathe, but boy, ooh, the look. It's like Labrador. Of course, the justice of the peace was not a paid position.

Douglas told Griffin to... Of course not. More of a bloody internship, if you think about it. Build your future, you. Resume. Douglas told Griffin to treat the American tax collector like he was a common criminal if he tried his duty again. But the U.S. tax man did come again. Twice. First on April 21st, he came and gave Griffin a bill. He said if Griffin did not pay, sheep would be seized. It's a great threat. That's like Cleveland Bundy. I'll take some fucking sheep. Hit him where it hurts. Yeah, yeah. Hit him where it hurts. Yeah, I've got it. I've got... Good night, everybody. All right, thanks.

I don't know if it deserves that. So the second time he comes back on May 3rd with an assistant and he set up a tent on the beach. Sunglasses. Anyone want sunglasses? I'm sorry, Cabana. He then invited Griffin down for a chat and Griffin accepted. After a few minutes of casual conversation, Griffin asked him why he was there. He explained that he happened to be the new justice of the peace. Not sure why, but I am. And if the tax man disturbed the peace, well, he would arrest him and put him into barn. No, just sheep jail. Yeah, like a goat jail. He just tied a bunch of sheep together.

That's it for you. So good luck getting out of there. No jumping. No jumping. Those goats are a gang, so you guys... Also, sheep and goats are the same thing. Am I the only one hearing this? I've been saying sheep the whole time. This moron said goats. Yeah, I'm not a moron, I just thought. And his people are Welsh. He should know what a sheep is. A single lady. The Beyonce song had a different meaning over there. The next morning, James Douglas steamed out to the island with a British customs inspector. When Douglas got there, he looked at the party of the U.S. tax man and his assistant was not

worried. It was a small group, not an invasion force. So Douglas did not go ashore and just sent the British customs inspector to go ashore and raise the British flag. I want you to go over there and put the bloody flag on. Go ahead and lift it up. There you go. Fuck themselves, they can. You're sure this is going to be cool though, right? Absolutely. Yeah, bloody cool. Raise that flag. I'd go, but my leg hurts so badly. It could happen. Can it get over there? But for sure they're cool. They're very cool. Absolutely. They love you. Yeah, fuck them. No, it's not an invasion force. You'll be fine. Watch out for other goats that look like sheep. Yeah, it seems like there's a lot of goats over there. Yeah, it turns out they're

sheep. I just actually got word recently. Yeah, they're sheep. Well, we're far away, we couldn't tell. I'll tell you from here, they all look like bloody goats to me. I'm not a bloody moron. I think I saw one of them eating a tin can. That's why we thought they were goats. That's absolutely right. Yeah, of course. Anyway, head over there, raise that flag. After raising the flag, the British customs inspector approached the US customs inspector and asked him what he intended to do. The American customs inspector replied, quote, I am thinking of putting in my insistent inspector on the island who was his assistant was named Weber. The British customs inspector said that if he did, the man would be arrested and the

American was not concerned, probably because it was not him who was going to be arrested. Now, Weber will be fine with it. How about it? You don't know Weber. Oh, fuck Weber. Jesus Christ. I mean, someday I'll invent the barbecue. At the end of the day, the American customs inspector went to Griffin and read a proclamation naming Weber, assistant collector of customs on San Juan Island. There is no one there. Fuck. It's like nine guys. You've met the king. You've met the president. You've met the prime minister. I mean, I don't know who else there's to meet, honestly. Also, I'd like to try and clear customs now. What are you going to do in the States? I'm going to plant a Canadian flag there. So then he left and Weber set up a tent behind Griffin's cabin and

raised an American flag. Oh, shit. Oh, freedom's coming, baby. You hear that freedom knocking? Yeah, it's coming in. Yeah, it's coming right in. Goats and all. Griffin, Griffin being the sheriff, issued a warrant for Weber's arrest. Right after? What? It's a warrant. But wait, but wait. There's nine guys, but he write it on a piece of paper. So wait, essentially it's like nine children playing pretend. Yes. No, you got to jail. I don't need to go to jail. I got a bulletproof body. Oh, he's got a bulletproof body. What are we going to do? But he's just called it. He called it. That's lava. That's hot lava. You're in lava. You're in lava. I got lava boots. God damn it. He's got lava boots. Shit. Pretend harder. We got to pretend. Wait. Oh, God. He circulates a wanted

poster to the nine. Put it in an APB for. No, you just handed it to me. I'm the guy in the fucking poster. And that does look like me. It is me. Where are the goats? All I see is sheep. We've been robbed. No, no. They're goats in sheep's clothing. Watch out for those sort of ghosts. And don't worry about them, honestly. They're just goats in sheep's clothing. Okay. So then Griffin, after issuing the warrant for Weber's arrest, told one of the Hawaiian herdsmen that he was now a constable. So are they just to serve the warrant and arrest Weber? Okay. So they're just, okay. And you're a wizard. Yeah, honestly. Yeah. So you're a wizard. You could shoot lightning bolts. Can I be a unicorn? Absolutely. We got the chief of unicorns here.

Look out. So the new constable went. The new constable literally went from being a constable over. Well, the Hawaiian guy's like, okay, I guess I'll go do this. When will this nightmare end? I'll tell you what, I miss Hawaii. Hawaii was amazing. Remember Hawaii? The pineapple here is shit. Oh, God. It's off a pine tree. They're cones. They're crunchy and brown. They're crunchy pineapples. I fucking hate this. I don't think they're goddamn cones. I just dream of the day when I could say aloha to all of you. Every day, it's just like aloha, aloha. And by the way, you can't have aloha with dried beef. You bury it, it goes into the fucking dirt. Yeah, we've just been eating beef sand. It's fair to say we've

just been eating beef sand. Build a beef castle while you're down here. Have some fun. So then who, the new Hawaiian constable went along with the British customs inspector to arrest Weber. When they read the warrant, Weber pulled out a revolver and pointed it at the chest of the Hawaiian constable. Somebody's king. I'm out of here. Bye, aloha. That means goodbye also. To be clear. Weber told them that if he was touched by either one of them, he would shoot them. He then said he could do so. Not touching you. Not touching you. He then said he could do so because the constable was not a constable. He was just a guy. Who he literally just heard named constable a moment ago. We're all just guys. That's the next time a cop harasses me. You're just a guy.

Take away that uniform. You're just like me. You're just some dude. In fact, let's both get naked and tell you. We'll have a wiener off. Oh my God. How did you know where this goes? He said the office of the chests of the peace wasn't legal because the island wasn't a British island and the constable hadn't been sworn in before a bench of magistrates. Like he had to get that complicated. You weren't sworn in in front of a bunch of bad infinity. It's a fucking island of a bunch of guys playing made up shit. It is the lamest argument of all time. Weber then let them know he had two pistols around his waist, as well as the one in his hand, and he also had a knife in his boot. By the way, unpacked. Well, I got four pistols. It was fine.

My dad's American. My dad's a pistol, so we'll see how that works. So the not real constable in the British customs asian ran back to Griffin's farm and got six men. They came back to set things straight with Weber, but Weber was still pointing the gun and threatening people. Then the constable then the constable went to Griffin and asked if he could go shoot Weber, but Griffin said no, absolutely not. Game set match Weber. Griffin didn't think there was a need for violence and told them just to leave Weber alone. Griffin wrote in his journal, quote, such a farce. If this is what is called law, then it plainly is rum law. What's so great about journaling is that it was kind of like blogging for the future.

You were like somebody someday will know all this bullshit I went through. You just couldn't post it. You're like someone will find this here. How bad I had it. Did he say it was rum law? Rum law. So that's just that was that is that is I believe a nod to Australia in which the whole country at that point is being based on rum. They didn't have money for a while. That's when Captain Morgan was president. I thought it was just that that was like slang for like, I think everybody here is drunk. They're making up laws. Have you ever been to Australia? And he alienates the only people who like him. And he bites the hand that feeds it. So so then Weber left the next day to get supplies.

And with the British customs inspector and to tell Douglas what's going on. Weber returned intent on staying on May 10th. Douglas told Griffin to just avoid Weber as long as he minded his own business. He's not. We know he's not. Weber was also told to take it down a notch. Legally speaking, he wasn't he wasn't supposed to collect taxes but instead was just to keep tabs on what was happening on the sheep farm. Day 10. Guess what? Sheep. Day 11. Do I have to write this? They're getting real woolly. They're hairy. They're really hairy. Day 12 goats. Nope. It's sheep. Sorry, sheep. Cross that out. Just kidding, sheep. So but this caused all kinds of tension to subside. So it's starting to things are starting to get cool. Everyone's like, all right,

we're living a thing. Yeah, but it's Weber and Griffin became fast friends. Oh, I like this story. That's great. Douglas wrote the British government to complain about the Americans and their bullshit on San Juan. And the US customs inspector wrote to the American government to accuse the HBC of violating US revenue laws. A match nobody wanted to referee is going on. Everyone's like, okay. Yeah, fuck it, honestly. The British then asked the US to get local officials to cease and desist. And then both the US and British governments wrote to their representatives that the island was theirs. Douglas was thrilled. Okay. Now in Whatcom County. Yeah. Yeah, that's not hard. It says Whatcom, which is 20 robotic Whatcom, what Tom 20 miles east of San Juan Island

there were two villages where about 40 Americans lived. Not a lot of people, but they had formed a county government, which included a county commissioner named William Cullen. Colin believes San Juan Island was part of the county, which meant HBC had to pay taxes. Oh my God. There's so much land for these 40 people. I know. I know. That's so true. Oh, think about now. Yeah. And like then they're like, no. Yeah, everyone in my building is like, yeah, that island over there is ours. Fucking great. Oh, and Collins Irish. Okay, good to know. Yeah. Beginning in October 1854, the sheriff made four trips to the island and ordered Griffin to pay $80 and 33 cents in back taxes or face a sheriff's sale also known as an auction. Griffin

told him to piss off. So the sheriff posted tax ill notices in December on the island and went to the beach to conduct an auction. Oh, fun. But since no one lived on the island, except the guys working on the sheep farm, no one came to buy the sheep. Why? Why? The sheep were the only ones who showed up for the auction. I guess the sheep goes to that sheep. I can pay with this. All right. We have a big pile of dump from the sheep over there. How fucking stupid are humans? Now you're the prime minister of the island. Do I hear bah? Do I hear bah?

All right, we have nine. This is terrible. He doesn't sell the sheep because no one's there and then he leaves and Griffin assumes it's all over. Wrong. Next he came with an armed party. It was Colin the sheriff from those little villages and seven other guys. They ordered Griffin to pay and again, he said, piss off. So they left. And then they came back at midnight when everyone was asleep on the sheep farm. They rounded up some of Griffin's breeding rams. They had built a makeshift pen on the beach where they held a moonlight auction. A moonlight romantic. Shining a turd. A moonlight auction. It's our anniversary. You brought me to a moonlight auction. Come on. Just admit you forgot. Do you like sheep or

sheep? Is that what a sheep says? It's real negative sheep. 49 were sold, although they just sold them to each other. What's happening? Colin bought 12 for 50 cents each. But after the auction was over, he realized they didn't bring boats to haul their sheep back. So they commandeered an Indian canoe and tried to get the sheep. An Indian canoe. Oh, man. Trying to get the sheep in the canoe. Oh, man. Commandeered like a cop. Commandeers a car. I think so. This is an emergency. Let us get a bunch of sheep on there. It's my badge. I'm a tax inspector. I'm going to need this canoe. Okay. I was just catching fish or whatever, but you guys. Do you need salt?

So the weird thing about canoes is they're not built to haul sheep. That's not true. And it's hard to get a bunch of sheep into a canoe. Why? Because they don't trust what's happening? Because they're creatures of instinct. The men were butted by the sheep. They were butted. The canoe then fell over and a few of the rams ran off. Griffin woke up in the morning and found out what had gone on. He got a party together and made for the beach. When they arrived, he saw the Americans pushing out with some rams on two boats. And a dead Indian. And a furious Native American who's like, my canoe? So yeah. Holy shit. Was I asleep a while? This is crazy. I do like the idea of an addition of storage

wars where they have to move everything that they win on a canoe. That would be pretty amazing. You got to get the slot machines going to sink it. Yeah. So Griffin ran down to the beach and into the water catching up to the boats. He and another man tried to untie the sheep on one of the boats while the Americans pushed them back with their oars. Then one of the Americans pulled out a revolver and Griffin backed off and he wrote, seeing no other recourse, I immediately left the spot. They as quickly left in two boats in one canoe. The one canoe that they dragged with a Native American who was like, why am I here? I don't know what's happening. I thought I was actually going to get corn. What are we doing?

And then he became the sheriff. And then the whole thing. Griffin then made quickly for Fort Victoria and told Douglas what had happened. Douglas complained to the British government. During all this, Douglas kept forgetting to tell the government that Griffin was an HBC employee, not a private settler, and the sheep were owned by HBC. Douglas reported 45 rams stolen with 11 having escaped during the canoe land loading. In July, the British government claimed the U.S. owed 650 pounds for 34 rams, 650 pounds for 600, and for 276 ous and 142 lambs, 500 for the higher ous. Those are the gross animals. We just call them ous. 500 for the higher of the beaver steamer that chased the Americans. Did

you say the beaver steamer? Yeah. Yeah. That's my new nickname. A lot of people try that on their honeymoon. The beaver steamer. Y'all want to ride the beaver steamer? Too many men screamed. Yeah. Beaver steamer belongs on a denim jacket more than any other two-word phrase. Oh my god. Yeah. You just play fucking foosball. Why is that guy have a jacket that says beaver steamer? Y'all talking about beaver steamer? Beaver steamer is here. That was my band in the 80s. Beaver steamer rejuvenates. Beaver steamer is a ship named the beaver. It's a steamer ship. I want to steam a beaver. The British also asked for 1,000 pounds in incidental losses. All together, this would be about $15,000 today. At this point, the U.S. wrote to the governor of

Washington and told them to cool it. They asked the British to write to Douglas to do the same, and they did. Douglas was not down with it. Now, the British and Americans tried to iron out who had the rights to what in the islands. Negotiators met six times between June and December, 1857, but they could not agree on boundaries. In the end, the British offered to give all the islands to the U.S. except San Juan Island, and the U.S. said, nope. Wow. Meanwhile, yeah, that's weird. Shocking that we would be not cool. Yeah, I can't believe we're dicks. Why? After that letter said, be cool. Yeah. Right. Inclose some sunglasses. Right. We are generally and have been, for history, a very reasonable people. Meanwhile, while all these negotiations were going on, U.S. revenue

agents kept assessing taxes on the ship. Here we go. Yeah, right. And then the American settlers began arriving. Miners who were having no luck arrived in January from the Fraser River Diggings. Douglas warned the British government that they would lose the island if this continued. Colonial Secretary Lord Leighton agreed. He wrote Douglas and said holding on to the San Juan Islands was, quote, essential to British interests. He told Douglas to get rid of the settlers. Not good. Not, not, not good. Arm your sheep. Like that? Yeah, seriously. Yeah. And the sheep have guns. It's a matter of time until it states them when the sheep have guns. But it's in the Constitution, you guys. You guys. It says right there, all the animals get a gun.

They have the right to hair arms, you guys. Our forefathers set off. Get it off. Yeah. I'm hot. Oh, you got a Bernie Sanders shirt on. I got a Bernie Sanders shirt. Yeah. I should have, Tim, earlier. He could easily be King Bernie. Could you imagine if we had a president, there wasn't a fucking piece of shit? Okay. Sorry. That's a little bit of political. No, you know, we get your news up here and stuff, we know. It's going, it's going great. That's what we're told. So, right. Tell us, get rid of it. Now, Lyman Cutler was one such American settler. He arrived on the island in April 1859. He was 25, had failed at mining and was looking

for a place to build a home with his wife and child. He claimed 160 acres under the Donation Land Claim Act of 1850. Hmm. Okay. Everybody knows that one. Yeah, that was a great one. That's how I got my land. Yeah. That's how A&W got its restaurants. I claimed my land under the Sister Act. That's where you have to remove graffiti from it with a bunch of orphans, right? Yeah, yeah. We back in the habit. Okay. Thanks for, thanks for coming, Dave. We appreciate it. I was voted off the show. No. The Donation Land Claim Act allowed citizens to claim land if they took care of it and

improved it. But the Land Claim Act had expired in 1855, four years earlier. I heard three years earlier. That's four years earlier. That was a lot less than 160 acres he was using. Griffin said Cutler was squatting on about a third of an acre. So it's less than 160 acres. If you know, if you understand math, it's way less. It's a garden. Okay. Cutler just happened to set up his farm right in the middle of one of Griffin's main sheep runs. Oh boy. Yeah. Oh boy. Never good. And he made a garden and then he... It's just the sheep like it so much. I mean, I don't want to be rude, but the sheep, the sheep seem sad when you're here. Yes. And they walk up and they go, I don't know what to do right now. There's something here. Yeah. This guy's squatting literally. It's

gross. He is sheep boy. We heard that. No, he didn't. We all... I'm kidding. So, right, so he said in the middle of the sheep run, it had a garden that was only fenced in on three sides. That's all you need. No, no, no. Classic American. That's all you need. That's a fucking fence. Fuck you. He can't... Nobody can get through this fence. There's only three sides. No, how do we find? We got them all covered. USA. USA. All three sides are covered. He planted potatoes and Cutler wasn't the only guy. Settlers were popping up left and right and climbing their land. Griffin was getting worried. He wrote Douglas, quote, there are now upwards of 16 squatters who have recently come and established themselves on various parts of the island, all

claiming to be citizens of the United States. And they have won and all taken up claims and are making improvements. A log cabin and a potato patch on terrible, on the most valuable prairies I have in possession of my herd's men and livestock. Sorry. Now, because Cutler only had three sides to his fence, Griffin's pigs kept wandering over and helping themselves to a snack. There's no solution. I got three sides on the fence. What else you want? They're all covered and they keep finding loopholes. I'll build a wall. That's one candidate back then was like, I'll build a wall and keep the pigs. Donalias Trump. Yeah. One morning, Cutler woke up and went outside to discover a pig digging up and eating his potatoes. Good. Outside the fence, one of Griffin's Hawaiian

employees was watching and laughing. Back in my country, we used to bury you in the sand and eat you. But now you're eating our potatoes. It's like the Yakov Smirnov of Hawaii. In my country, we use the berry pigs for food. Your country, pigs dig your food. Wow. What a nation. What a nation. What a country. What an island. And the pendant, acapella. Acapella? Huh? Okay. Two, three, four. From the top, Smirnovs. So Cutler went back inside, grabbed his gun, came out and shot the pig. Of course. Oh, what? Don't build an extra side. Cutler went to see Griffin. Who's laughing now, Hawaiian guy? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's not funny. No, the Hawaiian guy's like, I'll bury it in fucking cooking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He already dug himself a hole for me. This plays right into my

Hawaiian scheme. Yeah, the long call. Dare I say, Lou, wow. Cutler went to see Griffin and offered to replace the pig or to get an estimate from three men about how much the pig was working before. What? Who does that? Who out of you? He said, I'll get you a new pig or I'll get you, it's like when you go, when you get worked on your car, you take it to a couple of mechanics. So he was going to do that with the pig. Yeah, you're going to need a whole new pig here. It's a write off. We're going to have to write off this one. Your pig's wrecked. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. Needs a whole new snout. Curly tail for sure. I don't know what to tell you.

Feels like a page one rewrite. Oh, fuck. Griffin was not down with that idea. He said he wanted $100 for the pig. That would be about $2,700 today. I don't know what a pig's worth today. I don't either. I don't want to know how many otter pelts or beaver pelts. God, goats, sheep, beavers. I'm done. No, 2700. Yeah. Okay. What would you pay for a pig today? Oh boy. As a pet. No, am I at a midnight auction? Yeah. Yeah. A moonlight auction. Yeah. A moonlight pressure auction. Well, I probably been drinking all day then. So at least 2700. Attack him. Right around midnight. The pigs start looking real good.

Close in time, everybody. 2700 dollars. Okay, let's go. You see the hammocks on this one? Holy shit. Cutler said that price was ridiculous. Then Griffin lost it and said Douglas was going to drive all of the Americans off the island. Cutler yelled that the pig was eating his potatoes and Griffin yelled back, it's up to you to keep your potatoes out of my pig. I mean, is that Irish logic? Yeah. I agree. That's what Ireland should be called. Welcome to Potatoes Outta Pigs. That's like a don't tread on me. Keep your potatoes out of my goddamn pig. So they went off in separate directions, completely disagreeing about how to settle

the pig issue. Cutler was probably feeling emboldened because the governor of Washington Territory had told Cutler himself that the U.S. would protect all Americans on San Juan Island. The next day, Griffin showed up at Cutler's place with four other HBC hire ups. They said, if he did not pay the hundred dollars, he would have to come aboard the ship Beaver and then be brought to Victoria. If he did not go on his own, they had a posse on the ship to take him. Cutler refused and they left. So that seems like it recurs a lot in this story. Yeah. I swear we're going to do this. No. Okay, we're leaving. All right. Well, thank you. Devalidate or we'll see you. Thanks. Now, the only U.S. official on the island at this point

was a man named Hubs. He was the deputy collector of customs. He sent a letter to his boss asking for a large military force to be sent to protect American settlers on the island. And the settlers on the island decided to show all of their support for Cutler. They did this by having a flag raising party on the 4th of July. All 14 of them. Fun. 14 flags. No, not 14 people, not 14 flags. Oh, okay. So they just raised the one flag between, okay. Sorry. Not one guy in 14 flags. He's like, we'll see this through. God bless this mess, honestly. That was the origin of that phrase. God bless this mess. A 55 foot flagpole was erected in front of Hubs cabin. The flag was raised, quote, amidst showers of bullets and notwithstanding its ducking and dodging was struck in its

starry night, but got there all the same. So they, yeah, that's American. We raised a flag and just shot in the air. Griffin could see the flag from his place. He also probably heard the shooting. It's probably nothing. All I see is shooting. And then he immediately raised the Union jacks. Fuck on that bitch. Yeah. Now we're in a flag contest. Yeah. And host Gordon Ramsay. Go on. Enter William Shelby. Harnie. Harnie was a military man from Tennessee. Harnie entered the military at 18 and was greatly supported by Andrew Jackson his entire career. And Jackson hated the British. When he was a boy, a British officer had slashed him for not cleaning his boots. We all remember that building me a mansion. Harnie picked up Jackson's hatred for the British

and ran with it. Harnie was known to have been very strong and fast. He once chased a dog that was tearing up his garden a mile and a half before catching it and beating it up. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What? Yeah. Dog catchers used to beat up the dogs. That was his dad telling them, you know what? The only way to stand up to bullies. You got to stand up. If that dog, if that dog runs away from you, you're not your real friend. Imagine that dog a mile and a half later like fine, dude. Fine. What's happening? You're good. You're good. I ate some potatoes. Just to watch a man beating up a dog. Yeah. It sounds like a fist fight. It's so awful, but there's also something about the idea of if you saw it, you'd be like, well, I'll watch it

for a second before. Yeah. Harnie also had a discipline problem. He once was court-martialed for taking command of his fort when his commanding officer was just away for the day. Mine. He's Ferris Bueller. Guys, I'm in charge now. And you know what? Our first commandment is party. You know what? I'm raising the flag on fort party. Yeah. But again, Andrew Jackson saved him from a court-martial as he would many times. Harnie was also reckless during battles. A colonel wrote of him, quote, you know the opinion I have of Colonel Harnie that he has no more brains than a greyhound. Yet I consider that by his stupidity, he has done more to inject the Indians with a fear of us and the desperate state of their cause than all the other commanders.

Like a greyhound. So he's just a fucking moron. Yeah. But he's a brash moron, which helps. Yeah. When he was stationed in Texas during the Mexican war, when it broke out, he was given orders to create a force to defend the state of Texas. Instead, he got a bunch of guys together and invaded Mexico. It's the same difference. We're coming to beat up your dogs. We're gonna kill Chupacabra. He took over a small town and then he was ordered back, but he wasn't really into that. So he waited five days and then returned and left all his men behind who were then quickly killed in another battle. His commanding general said his actions exhibited quote, extreme imbecility and manifest incapacity. That's some fucking, that's some serious wordage.

The new season of cereal is about that. When that guy, when the general wrote that, he must have just been like, holy shit, I fucking wrote that. That came together. That came together at the end. Holy shit. I put a really fine point on that. I just said manifest incapacity. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Look at me. Blow me. All right. He was hard. He was ordered to remain in Texas when the US forces did invade Texas, but instead he invaded Texas. Interesting. This led to a second court martial and he got off again this time for being super patriotic. I'm not kidding. But court martial them and everyone was like, well, you're fucking awesome. And they let him go. We're almost there again. So we find you being guilty of being

amazing court dismissed party. The jury finds you American as shit and we love it. Yeah, get out of here. Come on. Any way you want it. That's the way you need it. Any way you want it. And so because he because he got off, he continued to disobey orders and shocking continued to attack Mexico without authorization because when you fucking tell a dude, he's Captain America. He's going to go crazy. Yeah. Oh man. Nah, dude. The only thing you're guilty of his love in this country is like, well, I'm going to go fuck some shit up. God love you for it too, brother. Go get a God speed. Hilariously, due to his reckless assaults, he won a brevet rank of Brigadier General.

So he got. Yeah, OK, normal. He went on to fight against the Sioux when the Mexican war was over and they gave him the nicknames Mad Bear and the butcher. Those are, I mean, as far as nicknames go in the Native American community, those are tough. That's not good. One or the other, not both. Come on. You're going to get both of those awesome nicknames. My Native American nickname is Dances to Carly Ray Jepsen. Still good. And they loved watching it. In 1858, he was sent to the Oregon Territory. In 1859, there wasn't much going on, so he decided to inspect the northern forts of the Washington Territory. At one point, his ship

took him right by San Juan Island, where he saw the American flag and decided to stop. He was met on the beach by a bunch of belligerent Americans who started to tell him about the pig situation. Let it go. But that's the first story they tell. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So close. Somebody else is here. So there's a fucking pig and some potatoes. And then we fucking shoot. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Okay. Slow down. Okay. Now, what? Hi. Hi. Let's start there. Hi. Hi. What happened? What are you talking about? No, no, no. What you got here? I have a fence with three fucking sides, right? Sorry. That's not a fence. That's a fence. That's not a fence. That's not a fence. That's not a

fence. That's a door. You made a door. No, you made a door. There's a Hawaiian laughing at me. Of course he is. You made a fucking door to pick at your potatoes, you asshole. Fuck you bitching about. Hubs asked Harney to send him a company of soldiers to protect them on San Juan Island. Harney then dispatched special orders number 72, directing George E. Pickett to occupy San Juan Island. He then wrote the U.S. War Department explaining what he was doing and put that shit in the mail in 1858. So that's going to be a while. It'll get there fast. Did he do next day? Next year. Harney also sent Lieutenant Colonel Casey and his ship to Massachusetts to drop off

Pickett and his troops and hang around the islands looking for British warships. So Pickett landed with his troops on July 27th and was immediately, and immediately posted a proclamation. Quote, this being United States territory, no laws other than those of the United States nor courts, except such as are held by virtue of said laws will be recognized or allowed on this island. Good. Also, it's not U.S. territory. It still doesn't matter. It just so happened that on that day, a one-eyed British magistrate. God, this thing's just full of characters. Yeah. But remember him from earlier from the fight? Oh, Pemekin. Yeah. Pemekin Joe. Yeah. Remember him? He's back. You were like, why, why include a character so eccentric? Well, he'll come back. Yeah, he'll be

back. Oh, he's also Irish. So he's a one-eyed Irish British magistrate. I think that would sound a little something like this. What a one-eyed Irish would just sound rich because there's only one eye. Fun. Fun. Leo, I'm fun here tonight. Yes. I like a guy who gets mad in the middle of what he's saying because I knew they were going to fight back like those sheep. So now the one-eyed magistrate was the new justice of the peace sent by Douglas replacing Griffin, and he was supposed to arrest all Americans who were squatting. But he could only see half. He walked. There's six. There's 30. Dark for what I can say. There's six. And a bunch of pigs. He walked right up to Pickett's camp and demanded to see Pickett. The magistrate told Pickett he was trespassing

and to get off the island. Pickett then introduced the British magistrate to the U.S. magistrate. He said you guys should meet. You're in the same line of work. He said that if he tried to have Pickett arrested that he would have him arrested. Then he said any American can squat wherever he wants. So the British one-eyed magistrate left. And that lost dance to this day. It's the fucking island thing where someone goes up and they did it again. He said I'm going to arrest you and they would know. You make a good point. So that's fair. Now the newspaper's got a hold of it. Headlines in the July 27 Victoria colonists alerted, quote, Sammon Island invaded by American troops. Meanwhile in Olympia Washington the paper wrote we suppose our neighbors may grumble a little at this summary

way of settling the disputed title. But then it is the privilege of John Bull to grumble and the motley crowd of native-born British subjects congregated in those new colonies can just grumble away. Dave, isn't it true that whenever we try to spread the freedom, all we get are grumbles? Right? It's like they just don't, like, you ruined our infrastructure in our lives. It's like get on board already. Shit. We came over there. We did our thing. Good party. We're out. It's classic tabloid journalism. It really is. It's slander. Check out the grumbliest beach bodies of San Juan Island. Just a bunch of sheep with their faces blurred out. Are those goats? You can't tell with the faces blurred out. On an all-new A&W network premiere.

Are those goats? Sheep goats. Are they goats? So this was all happening while the British Pacific station commander Admiral Baines was away. So, Admiral Baines, anybody want to do an impression? I can't possibly be there. Oh, God. Is that Donald Trump? I'll build a fence that'll keep the mouse. That's not Baines? It's me, Trump or Baines. All Muslims must leave. Hashtag hack. Since Baines was away, Douglas was in charge. So, the guy who was still mad about the Oregon territory was in charge. Of course, he dispatched a warship, the Tribune to San Juan Island, and another ship, the satellite, with the Royal Marines. It was on for the pig. Is it really that? It's all about the pig at this point.

Douglas told the commander of the Tribune, Captain Hornby, not to allow any further armed Americans to land or build forts, but not to provoke them. There were five British warships in the area, the Tribune, the Ganges, the Plates, the Satellite, and the Plumber. 167 guns and 1,940 men all together. What? The Tribune arrived at the island on July 29th at 9 p.m. The one-eyed magistrate immediately told Captain Hornby that picket should be arrested or removed. Listen to what you just said. Yeah. What is happening? It's been eight people so far in the entire thing. Yeah. And now there's 2,000 or so. The British quickly realized they didn't have enough men to take on the Americans, so they requested more from Douglas. They don't have, they don't have

the 2,000 there, but there's 2,000 in the area. Folding sweaters. Just looking busy. So the Tribune now had all of her guns pointed at Pickett's camp. Hornby got off the boat, walked up to the camp, and asked to speak to the commanding officer. That conversation ended with Pickett yelling, I shall make a bunker hill of it. So that's not a good and not a fair threat. That's a bad conversation. Douglas told the next ship the HMS plades to go, but the guy in charge of that ship thought the entire thing was batship crazy. Did you say batship or batship? Batshit. Batshit crazy. He thought Pickett was fucking nuts, and he didn't think Douglas knew what he was doing, and he was just taking advantage of the Admiral being away. And this is in line

with the British policy, which allowed individual commanders how and why and when to employ force. So a British commander could be like, no, go fuck yourself. I'm going to pass on your go kill the Americans thing. So the captain got other captains together, all the other captains of the other ships, and they met with Douglas. They all said they shouldn't use force, they shouldn't arrest Pickett, but they could dispatch Marines. Douglas had pissed off, but he backed down. He said he wouldn't arrest Pickett. The captain of the plades took off and went to find the British Admiral who was somewhere near San Francisco in a ship. Meanwhile, on the island, things started going batshit crazy. On July 29th, 1st Lieutenant John Howard ran into Pickett's tent and pointed a

gun at Pickett saying, I'm going to have satisfaction. Pickett jump. Oh, whoa. Now let's start. Suck it, baby. Oh, no, let's dance first. Yeah. I'm sorry if that came out wrong. Fuck you. No. No, let's go back to the first one. How did you take it when I ran in and said that? How will you take it? No, sorry, that keeps coming out right. Wrong. Sorry. What am I? I love you. I want to be with you. This gun's not loaded. Can we kiss? How do we pick it? Jumped on him, took the gun away, pushed him out of the tent. Then he gave Howard his gun back and told him to go back to his tent. Now. All right. You learned your lesson. You had your fun. Here's your ball. Go play in the other person's yard. Fool me 14 times. Shame on me. I'm zipping this this time. It's zipped. Okay.

So nobody come in. It's zipped. Yeah. Also hot lava, hot lava, hot lava. Hot lava, everyone's hot lava. Let's go. You know what? I'm going to unzip it. You guys are fine. I don't mean to be like that. Come in when you want. I don't mean to do that. Sorry we fought. Whoopsies. Who doesn't want satisfaction? Everyone come in. Lieutenant Howard. Lieutenant Howard walked away and as he was walking away, he yelled, you have no authority over me. And that was true because Howard had been court-martialed in April and was now no longer on active duty or getting paid. But Pickett didn't know what to do with them. So he just brought him along. What is what's he going to drop the guy off in the middle of nowhere? Yeah. This is like if a retirement home was in charge of the beginnings big island nation.

Let's all pretend a lot today guys. At this point, pig farmer and assistant sheriff Griffin lodged a written protest and ordered Pickett off the island. Griffin complained about soldiers trampling his crops and stampeding his sheep. Then the tourists and reporters started arriving. Tourists? Reporters? It's being written about in the papers. Everyone's like, let's go see what's going on. I didn't know tourism was invented. So people started rolling in. Pickett called them a swarm of tourists. They walked around and looked into soldiers' tents and went on two ships. They're just without being noted, like without anyone saying okay. Like, oh god, let's investigate. It's like they're aliens from another planet. Like, let's see what's going on here. Excuse me,

who are you? Don't worry, we're tourists. Suggested donation, one on your belt. Hi, I'm from Vancouver. Can I take that? Hi. Oh, it's a gun? Okay, I won't. I heard a souvenir. I ate a man here. Is that true? Look at him sleeping. What? Hi. Hi. We're not from here. So hi. Hi. One tourist said he had refreshments with Pickett in his tent. Well, it's like, well, if you're here, you want a drink, I don't know, it's a fucking... Would you like some lemon? I don't want to be a bad host. I have potato juice. I had that pig. Yeah, I had potato juice. I had two. Now, worried about the guns on the Tribune and the tourist, Pickett took his camp and moved it out of range of the ship guns. He moved it to the other side

of the island so ships could just sail around the island and shoot at him. Sorry. Make a day of it. He moved it out of the range of the guns and just moved it so close to the other beach that they could just sail around and do it there. He's not very smart. He's like, if you want to do this, you're going to have to get those ropes up. This is going to cost you like a quarter of a day. Checkmate. Or check. Yeah. Our king mate. I don't know what it is. At the same time, another ship, the plumber arrived. Now there were three British ships and two American ships. Meanwhile, Douglas was not down with the talk the captains gave him. If Pickett's soldiers remained on San Juan Island, he decided he would land the Marines. But things were a mess on the island and

the tourists were still poking about. Hi. Time for a quick picture. I don't mean to be like that guy, but... Horneby met with Pickett. Can I tag you? Again. Tag you. And that conversation ended with each of them saying if there was fighting over the other guy's fault, if Horneby landed, if Horneby forced the landing, it would be his fault. And if Pickett did not allow a landing, it would be his fault. Pickett was adamant that the islands were U.S. territory, even though they weren't. Horneby produced what is known as the Marseille letter in which U.S. Secretary of State pledged that U.S. officials would not fight the British over the San Juan Islands. That's bad. Pickett read it and said he had never heard of it, even though it was right in front of him.

Ah, nope. That's not real. I'm up on most legislation. That does not seem like a thing. Nope. And the British captain still refused Douglas's order to land the Marines. At the same time, Douglas was getting major shit from British newspapers for not handling the situation. At the same time, the Blades finally found the admiral ship and told them what was going on, and their response was, quote, tut tut, no no, the damn fools. We need to be saying that more. So that guy's coming. Tut, tut, no no. That's that classic British wit. Tut, tut, no no. Nope. No. I said, tut, tut. That was very clear. I said, tut, tut. Yes, twice. Tut, tut, tut squared. Yeah, no, not a single tut, a tut, tut. I said, no. I said, no, tut, tut.

No, tut, tut. So that's over. So that's done. Next. What's next for me to tut or tut tut? Yeah. So the admiral canceled Douglas's orders. Douglas was pissed, but the deal was done. It was over. War avoided. Everything calmed down on the island. Pickett and Hornby started hanging out. Ah, yeah. Yeah, finally. The British and American soldiers got together, chatted, traded newspapers and smoked cigars. And the tourists continued to come to the island to see what the brew ha ha was about. The first liquor establishment popped up in a tent just off HBC dock. So, so smart when the tourists started showing up, they're like, eh, let's pretend we're angry at each other, like for the tourists. Hey, you stay away from me. I love you. I do love you. It's been great to

meet you guys. It's been great to meet you guys. I wish we could get a cocktail. More miners arrived and with them prostitutes. Tired of fucking all them goats. San Juan village was born. The place was suddenly happening. Charles Griffin was amazed and wrote in his journal, quote, soldiers, Indians and men all were determined to be drunk together, never saw anything like it. See, we're not so different. Yeah. Once you get us in a bar, we're all the same. But that's not what the man in charge, General William Shelby Harney thought was going down. He had said pick it for a reason. He believed the Brits were on their ships with their guns out. Marines ready to land. Well, sons out guns out.

So yeah. And he was impressed with how pick it and handle the situation so much so that he recommended pick it for a brevet promotion. Of course, Harney was an idiot. There was an endless stream of soldiers who thought he used poor judgment. One officer who was stationed at San Juan called Harney, quote, one of the weakest officers and most arrogant humbugs in the army and not at all qualified for the position. He is a laughing stock wherever he goes. And this administration is a series of blunders and mistakes. He is as callous as a pot house politician and insensible. I am afraid to shame. So he doesn't have a lot of respect from the guys. Hard to tell what he thinks. It's like the original roast. Somebody stand it up. You are so callous. Good night.

Now, even though everything was cool on the island and everyone was getting along drinking and partying, Harney assumed they weren't. In his mind, the fight was coming. And even though everything was hunky dory, pick it was also somehow still convinced a battle was looming. Harney decided to send reinforcements. So there's nothing happening. It's like now turned in to like a party island. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's party. Now it's heathenism too. Yeah. And somebody's like now. Now their shells should be fighting to fun. Oh, so what is this big thing you've erected? That's a water slide. We call it a water slide. Right. Lieutenant Casey was set with more troops. Pick it warrant, Casey, that the British troops

would fire upon his warship when he arrived. But that didn't happen. Casey's ship just rolled in, unloaded their gear, weapons and troops and set up camp and nothing happened. Shocking. Casey then went to Victoria to try to meet with the British admiral, but the admiral wouldn't meet with someone who was beneath him. No. Oh, literally or figuratively. No. Admiral or better. Yeah. To that. No. To that. No. Was his tinder profile. To everything. Into admirals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, a match. Also an admiral. She's in the disputed colony. I hate them. Ackbar, is it? I am married. I am married and there was no tinder before I was married,

so I never know anyone's talking about when it comes to tinder. Context clues. Talk about making fires. Swipe left. Is that a thing? No, it just tells you who's around you that's not interested in you. Yeah. Yeah. Who's tut-tutting you in your area? Yeah. Who's not interested in you? Close by. Yeah. Well, she's tut-interested. Do you want to not meet up for a drink? I'm living on a disputed island. Bah. Okay. So, Casey thinks that's a sign of hostility that the admiral won't meet with them and ask for more American troops. They arrived and set up their guns on the highest point on the island. So now, all of a sudden, there's guys ready to

fight that are back. The U.S. now had 15 officers and 424 soldiers on the island. That escalated real quick. Yeah. That was shocking that we did that. The British were very confused because they thought everything was worked out because it had been worked out. But now U.S. troops were pouring in and they started building a fort. But this sounds like every good night of drinking. Like, you're like, I thought everything was cool, but this dude's starting to fight over here. God damn it. He's like, are you going to pay me? Let's build a fort. Yeah. You get so hammered, you're like, yeah, we should build a fucking fort together. Don't you guys think we should live in a fort? Get the cushions. Who could drive a wagon? Go build a fort. Fort, man. Also,

at this point, the miners and tourists were becoming a concern because they seem to want to fight to happen. And so the well, the magistrates from both sides agreed to ban the sale of alcohol. Then, just to make things worse, U.S. Customs Officer Hubs decided to require all ships to clear customs in Port Townsend before coming to San Juan. The Americans just fucking... Are you sure? Jesus Christ. Holy shit. It's like there was a party and Americans were the parents. And then he quarantined the one-eyed British magistrate's luggage. We don't want all losing eyes. His luggage might have blindness in it. Move it away. It's just eye patches. Yeah.

The one-eyed magistrate said he would get the warships to fire their guns, but Lieutenant Casey stepped in and gave the magistrate his luggage back. So nobody ever did. Wow. All right, fine. This is the all right fine war. This should be called No Threat Carried Out Island. They called my bluff situation. The Old Mary Coupled Island. I'll leave. Now you won't. Well, I'll shoot you then. The only guy who got hurt from a threat carried through was a pig. He was asking for it. Now, different U.S. governors and X governors started showing up for a little bit of face time like it was some kind of political photo. X governors just retire.

They would inspect the troops and hang out with the officers, but back in Victoria, Douglas was fuming. The Americans were digging in. He saw it. He kept writing the British admiral, but the admiral wouldn't respond to Douglas. He thought the whole thing had been handled poorly by Douglas. And when he returned, he set things straight, sending a letter to the British government explaining what he thought should be done. Now, at this point, no one in Washington knew what was going on because it took more than six weeks for Hanley's first letter to get across the country. Holy shit. When a general received it in New York, he was, of course, freaked out. He was like, whoa, shit, I hope this doesn't get worse.

He sent it to President Buchanan in Washington and then arrived on September 3rd. The letter had been sent by Honey on July 19th. At this point, the White House had no idea if they were at war with the British or not. Sorry, I don't mean to sound out of the loop. Are we at war? Over a pig! For a pig that ate a potato? That's like getting a weird, like, emoji text and being like, the fuck does this mean? Don't respond. Don't respond. You just send me an emoji of a chicken? Block them. Oh, you call me a chicken? Are we in a fight? Yeah. What are we fighting? Can you show me this emoji of a chicken in a pile of shit? Are we fighting? And Buchanan was especially worried because nutcase General

Harney, who had invaded Mexico on his own, was running the show. Party, Harney. So a general Scott was dispatched to put an end to the bullshit. He was a well-reasoned, smart, and older general. On the island, amongst the men, the party continued. Illegal gin mills were popping up. Dude, why did we stop this? Just let a bunch of people get along with gin mills. And now it's like party island. Yeah, it's party island. And they're like, shut it down. It's fucking spring break. No, turn the lights on. Get them out. It's like every letter they're reading, and then a smash cut to them, like, and risky business, like, just in their socks.

You don't have to go to your island, but you can't stay here. Everyone was getting shitfaced. Prostitutes were now slipping into American camps and doing their business in the tents. Americans hate that. That's my safe word. This is the first time I've met up with a match, so this is fun. My safe word is Hawaiian. Officers threaten to impose martial law if the prostitutes didn't leave. Your otter pelts on the dresser. I'm about to trade beaver with this lady.

I'm about to steam that beaver. There it is. There we go. That's where we get it. So, would you say beaver for a beaver? That was over steam beaver, that? The one appalled guy. The one guy's like, oh, fuck enough. No, a woman, a 19th century woman's body is a prize. You can actually skin that for a pelt. I don't agree with that. I'm that guy now. You gotta know your audience. When I walked in here tonight, I was like, a lot of 19th century women here tonight.

God bless you. We appreciate the downloads. Downloads are something that... I just come back to England with just a giant ball of pubic hair. I made a killing out of the Northwest. Did you get our letters? Did you get our letters? You just said bring the hair. This is pubes. You're doing. None of them are shaving. We gotta clean the chimney somehow. How the fuck does my coat have crabs? Oh, the whole ship has crabs. Oh, god damn it. That's on me. Yeah, literally, you're wearing a pube crab coat. But I like to think of it. I like to think of it as, like, Noah's Ark for crabs.

Yeah. God damn. Tell them every crab. That's how crabs came to England. The end. Vinegar would be all right. Go ahead. Did you just say a home cure for crabs? I'm inferring they're eating them. They're eating them? Yeah. Oh, crabs. Yeah, their food's bad and they put vinegar on everything.

Oh, I see. Yeah. But it couldn't hurt. I mean, it might hurt if you have crabs. Pour vinegar on it. Anyways, I believe we were on Party Island. So General Scott finally arrived and negotiations began. Scott greatly reduced the number of American troops in good faith, and the British in turn reduced the number of ships. Douglas asked that Pickett be removed as well, and Scott agreed the new man in charge was more sane. He wrote a letter to Scott calling General Harney a dull animal.

No, he was a party animal. I think the record will show. That's when we discovered the party animal. He was anything but dull. I thought that's what dull meant. I wrote that wrong. And Pickett was a man possessed by poor judgment. On November 9th, everything was agreed upon and the crisis was over. The island of San Juan would continue to be shared. Naturally, American newspapers viewed the settlement as a weakness and attacked General Scott.

But the settlement was done. There would be no war over a pig. It would remain that way for 12 years, and then 1872, Germany served as an arbiter over the matter, and the United States secured the territory. Stop. Thanks a lot, Germany. I just came to rub this shit in. It was the 70s. It was a different time. Everybody was pigging islands back then. San Juan Island is 16 and a half miles long and six miles wide.

Worth it. Sounds like your moan. Worth it. Yeah, worth it. How about that? That was the pig war, you guys. I can't believe it was all over a fucking pig. Yeah, over a pig. And then a bunch of guys walking up and going, you do this.

I'm not going to do that. But have you had bacon? Oh, so good. I blame the Hawaiians. Yeah, I think in the whole story, it's the Hawaiians that really got it the worst. Yeah, it's the Native American with the canoe and the Hawaiians that really are the dicks. They were the chipper. And we are all, you know what I mean? They didn't even got fucked over the words.

Unbelievable. Look, we worked it out. Right? Here we are doing a show. You guys are all good. It's the fucking Hawaiians. Yep. You wonder why we put bacon on potatoes.

Now you fucking know. How do you think that island is going to vote in the upcoming election? Trump. Trump. Yeah. Vote pig. AKA Trump. That's not cool.

Yeah, that's not cool. I know a guy who went to the Trump Towers once. Oh, well, God bless him. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. The customary way to end a Canadian show. It was, uh, yeah, Ian. Did you just say I'm sorry?

All right. You know how to walk away. Apologize to your audience. Apologize to your audience. Yeah, thank you very much. Thanks so much for coming out, everybody. Appreciate it. Well, yeah, we'll go out.

We'll be out there and we'll take pictures and sign whatever and say hello. And then we're not going to record this part. But if anyone could tell me if you can go into a regular store and buy marijuana, I'd love to know that fact. Thanks, guys. Take care. Gary needs marijuana, but he doesn't know how to get it. Hint, hint.

We're not wearing a wire, are we? Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the doll-up. Give it up again.