The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 142 - Richard Johnson - A Terrible Vice President

Episode Date: December 30, 2015

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine one of the worst Vice Presidents ever - Richard Johnson SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH  

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baby. From American history to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is gonna be about baby. And does it know his place. God do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Dave okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not gonna come to tickly quad guys. Okay. You are queen fakie of made-up town. All hail queen shit of Liesville. A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do my frame. No. Is he done my friend? No. October. Oh what? 1717 80. Not shouting's the new shouting. Richard Mentor Johnson was born in Beargrass, Kentucky. Dick Mentor? Yeah. Dick Mentor. Alrighty. Although back

then Kentucky was actually part of Virginia but then it you know it turns into Kentucky. Just trust me. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. You walk far enough. His parents. You walk far enough. Everything is Kentucky. Thank you. Yeah. His parents became one of the largest land-owning families in Kentucky. His dad was also a politician serving in the Virginia House. The Kentucky Constitutional Convention and the Kentucky State Legislature. So he's fucking shiznit. Right. Right. Two of Johnson's brothers became members of the US House of Representatives and in other words a federal district judge. They're all very good at helping friends and relatives get government contracts which help them build

and hold on to political influence. Okay. So here we are. Here we feel the build that we have the black sheep. Maybe. Yeah. I think so. Richard Johnson studied law and became a member of the bar in 1802. Okay. He started a law practice as well as owning a store and when his father died he inherited a large number of slaves and a lot of land. Okay. So now I'm honestly thinking like Billy Madison, Adam Sandler like in this time. I just have a bad feeling. No, this is the Billy Madison story. Billy Kentucky. At an early age Richard Johnson was a wealthy man. Okay. Right. So he got all the stuff. Yeah. Also he's loaded. But he felt connected to the common man and often represented them for free when they

were going up against rich people. Ooh. Okay. That's a curveball. One Washington socialite said he was quote the most tenderhearted, mild, affectionate and benevolent of men whose continent's beams with good will to all whose soul seems to feed on the milk of human kindness. He was said to have been liked by everyone. Wow. He began his political career in 1804 when he was elected to the Kentucky House of Representatives. He then jumped up to the US House of Representatives in 1806 and served for six consecutive terms. Alrighty. He was a champion of disabled veterans, widows and orphans. When's the bottom drop it out? Bottom drop out. This is a good story. Give me something. Give me something. It's a good

story. Give me the twist, baby. Johnson voted for and then fought in the war of 1812. Okay. He fought under General William Henry Harrison and he was a great soldier. All right. At the Battle of Thames, he led a Calvary charge that helped secure a decisive victory against Tecumseh. During the charge, Johnson personally killed Tecumseh. Whoa. He got the top dog? Yeah. Fucking Tecumseh. Yeah. That's the one. That's some serious business. Listen. That's big. That's why you get involved in this shit. That's right. That's best case scenario. That is best case scenario. I mean, yeah. I mean, not for Tecumseh. No, not from Tecumseh's perspective. Is it weird that I am basically here because my ancestors killed

people like Tecumseh and yet when I read that, I want Tecumseh to win? No, it isn't. And I think the more that you live in the world, the more that you're just like, man, I really just root for all that. If white people were to become slaves, I'd be like, look, we had this coming. I mean, what do you want? What do you fucking want? Guys, let's be honest. We had a hell of a run back there. How about we do that for 200 years and then we'll see how we feel? All right. Then it'll be even. Then we'll see what happens. See what if we can get a white man elected president? So Johnson returned to Congress in 1814 as a war hero. So you could just literally could take a breather from Congress to go kill Tecumseh. Yeah. Come

back in and be like, all right, what's the vote on? Hey, what are we voting on? What are we doing? Shit. What's up, boys? Tecumseh killer here. In 1819, he was elected by the Kentucky legislature to fill the remaining term of Senator John J. Crittenden, who had retired. He had he paling. Well, he had four kids and he's like, I can't do this. Hey guys, I'm out of here. Senate shman it. Yeah, I'm out. So that's clearly when the Senate didn't mean that much. The guy's like, you know what? I had another kid. Well, it actually just like the truth is it goes to show you that, you know, I mean, you don't you really don't need to be that present if you're a senator, not a lot of them are. But now they get in

so much trouble if they miss. Totally fucked. You got to be there for everything. Yeah. Johnson remained in the Senate until 1829. But he was no longer a wealthy man. When he came into the Senate, he had a lot of debt from failed financial ventures and losses incurred during a recent depression. Because of this, he worked to eliminate imprisonment for debt fighting against it the his entire time in the Senate. So good cause selfish reasons. Yes, it is. It is a little bit like and I always think this and this sounds kind of fucked up, but it's like when like someone like someone famous gets a disease, they go to the Senate and they're like, we need to figure out a cure. And they're like, this

guy's like, goddamn hero. You're like, well, he is, but he also has a extreme vested interest in walking again. Yes, he does. Like he really he's I hear you. He really wants you to support this because he would love to be walking. He would very much love to be walking. So that's kind of his thing. I'm here for the children. Yeah. And sure, I can't walk. And you want all people to be able to walk. Yeah, me, everybody and me also me me. Let's make sure I can and then we'll see walking. You got to learn to walk if you're me first. So I hear a beeping. Yeah, stuff doesn't back up in your world. So right, so he became a leading supporter of Andrew Jackson, whom I believe his relatives

had fought with. And he backed Jackson in the election of 1824. But not everyone was thrilled that Richard Johnson was so vocal about supporting Jackson. Okay, that was mostly because of his home life. Okay. Johnson took one of his slaves as his common law wife. See, this is this is what you're very good at front loading information. And then you pick when we have the fucking M night Shyamalan moments. Okay, which was which was to say the least a controversial move, right? Yes. Well, back then, a lot of obviously a lot of slave owners would have sex with their but not slaves, but not like you're not at the up and now, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Party of two. Sir, yes. Sir, she is a slave. She's my wife. Party

of two. What about a party of one and three fifths? All right. I can get you a chair with three out of four legs on it, ma'am. Her name was Julie Chin. With two ends. I know this. That's an English name because my roommate in college, his parents are English. And his last name is Chin with two ends. Chin, the double chin. Most amazing of all, Richard Johnson lived openly with her completely openly as a wife. Great. He treated her as his wife in all aspects of his life. He took her to formal parties and other social events. This is. Can you imagine? Oh, he was just walking around with just like, fuck you. Hey, fuck you. Fuck you. Hi, fuck you. Yeah. Hey, how are you? Fuck Bill Maher during slavery.

That's so great, though. That's awesome. It's the greatest because that's what is really, I mean, you know, like you alluded to what's one of the things that's so fucked up is how they're not, you know, black people aren't as nowhere near as equal as white people. And then they're like, yeah, but I mean, I'm fucking them. I mean, Jesus Christ, this one is awesome. You know, like, but you hide it. Yeah, you hide the idea that you're on the up and up. Yeah, they can't. Yeah, this is not the deal. No. This ain't Hugh Glee. This is the you. This is the up. This is the you. You, you. Yeah, the you, you. So he's on the you, you. They had two kids and he raised them as his daughters. Okay, right.

So not where as normal guy would fuck his slaves and they would have kids and he'd be like, you're also a slave. Now he was like, these are my kids. Yeah. While he was away working in Washington, Julie had complete legal control over his business. So great. People, I will not talk to a black woman. Yeah, you're a slave. Also a wife. So it's kind of like that scene in Pretty Woman when she gets to go back to the store. Never seen it. Alrighty. This didn't go over well with pretty much everyone in Washington, which led to his defeat in 1828. The plantation owners in Kentucky couldn't get past his choice of a spouse. Oddly, he was still very popular in his own district in Kentucky and he ran

for the house again in 1829, winning easily. So he gets kicked out of the Senate and he goes, well, I'll just go back. Yeah. Different. Yeah. Despite making a slave, his wife, Johnson declared himself a candidate for the 1832 Democratic presidential nomination. Love it. He's out of his fucking mind. Love it. That's the greatest. The outrage. Can you imagine like someone in the Klan telling someone else in the Klan, he's like, you have to have this wrong. What are you trying to do? He's like, he's got his wife is a goddamn. He's like, boy, you must have hit your head. He ain't nobody's running for president with that. Nobody would do that. Look, a unicorn ain't running for the presidency. This would almost

be like a guy running for president who said the Mexicans are all rapists and. Oh, Dave, enough fantasy. But he dropped out. It would almost be it would be like a like a gay man who's married to another gay man running 20 years ago. Totally. This is Phil. Yeah. It's the White House, not the pig house. Oh, God. They're totally going to say that when a gay guy runs. I'm ready for the rallies. Yeah, just from a pun sign perspective. Yeah. Okay, but Johnson dropped out of the race after Andrew Jackson said he would seek a second term. Now, of course, Jackson won because everyone loves Jackson. Right after Jackson's inauguration, Johnson started his push for the presidency in 1836. So right after the

inauguration, so he's he flooded the western states with handbills, calling for him to be nominated for the presidency in 1836. He got a friend to write and publish quote the authentic biography of Colonel Richard M. Johnson. A play was written called Tecumseh, the Battle of the Tames in which Johnson was the hero. Wait, and it was a hit. So he was kind of the first personal propagandist. I don't know if he was the first but but I mean to that level, like if you think about crazy, well, but that's what like the revolution of politics in the last like probably 30 years and Carson and even before that, like Clinton was like maybe one of the first people to unveil like the sort of faux documentary

like fly on the wall slice of life shit. Yeah, you know, where you're just and then you release your book like people, you know, only started releasing books when they run for can for presidency like 15 years ago. Yeah. Now every one of them whenever they run, they're like, here's my book. Yeah, it's about me and my dog, my best friend and my gun, my other best friend. My dog's got a gun. Yeah, it's about my dog's gun. The playwright also wrote a poem about Johnson and one line was a rumsy dumpsy Colonel Johnson killed Tecumseh. Wow. Wow. Shape didn't maped in that poet mailed it in. That line became a democratic slogan in the 1836 election. So slogans were just dry. Well, just whatever stupid thing you could put down. Yeah, it

rhymed a little. It rhymed a bit. It sounded stupid. It'll work. Johnson wasn't just popular because of his military heroism. He fought for veterans and for continuing Sunday mail delivery. Okay. Man, it's a different time. It really I've been honest, honestly, just from doing the podcast recently, like I've been thinking about mail and communication more and more back in those days. I mean, it was like, oh, my God, if they were closed on a day when you went to them, you're like, I came to 30 hours. So that those also made it popular as well because he was popular in the West. Jackson made him one of his official unofficial advisors. Okay. Right. But he did not win the Democratic nomination for president

in 1836. Shocking. That went to Martin Van Buren. That let the position of vice president open. Whoa. Almost everyone wanted a senator from Virginia to be the vice president, including Van Buren. Okay. But Andrew Jackson wasn't keen on that idea. Why? Well, he thought Johnson was the right call because of his popularity in the West. He wasn't popular, but he wasn't popular in slaveholding states because he openly took a slave as his wife. And since he was taking the place of the center from Virginia, that state wouldn't back him. But Jackson went ahead and pushed Johnson through. He and Johnson even needed a little bit of inappropriate help when the states were casting their votes at the convention.

The delegation from Tennessee was absent. So one of Jackson's crew grabbed the guy who wasn't even to get a delegate and got him to cast Tennessee's 15 votes for Johnson. Wait. You. You there. Where are you from? Where are you from? Tennessee. Okay. Come on. Yell out. Yell out. My votes go to Johnson. What is this all about? My votes go to Johnson. There we go. What? You just, yeah. You're a good job. I'm drunk. I know you are. You're from Tennessee. The Virginia delegation was pissed. They wouldn't support Johnson's nomination and they stormed out of the convention. Again, delegates approached Jackson and asked him to reconsider. Tennessee Supreme Court Chief Justice John Katrin warned that Johnson was

quote, not only positively unpopular in Tennessee, but affirmatively odious. Yeah. I mean, when you call someone odious. You've crossed the line. He was concerned that quote, the very moment Colonel Johnson is announced, the newspapers will open upon him with facts that he had endeavored often to force his daughters into society that the mother in her lifetime and they now wrote in carriages and claimed equality. Well, you can't like, cause you were saying he made a bunch of bad investments. That's not anything they get brought up. He's just like, he's trying to make his kids normal. Do you understand? His half is saying that black people are normal. Listen to me. Listen to me. Of course, that wasn't the only thing.

Johnson had taken things up a notch as far as his slave wives went. Oh, no, he didn't do the Ted dance on thing, did he? Well, Julie died of cholera in 1833. Okay. So naturally Johnson took another of his slaves as a wife. Wow. What? And he did the same thing he did with Julie. He put her in charge of the plantation and brought her to social events. He said, okay. First of all, you know, I mean, look, either he's really attracted to black women or he's really attracted to controversy. But he had a plantation still. Yeah, you still had the plantation with slaves on it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't going well, you can still have it, but you can be losing money and trying to keep. Yeah, but still the idea

that you would be marrying like that you'd be like, all right, now be in charge of the slaves. She's like, well, they're they're my friends. Yeah, I know. Make sure they work real hard. Don't give them too much water. I'll be back tomorrow. But this second wife was not as down with the arrangement as Julie had been mostly because she already had a common law slave husband. What the fuck? So when the opportunity arose, she and her slave husband ran off together. Wow. And this did not sell over Johnson. He was not down with this. No, that's that's that's a deal breaker for him in a relationship. Yeah. And he had the two tracked down and caught. Uh oh. Then worse yet, he sold her at a slave auction

down the river. Down the river meant deeper into the south. Slaves were treated much worse down the river. Was he done? Nope. No, he then took a third slave wife. This one happened to be the sister of the slave wife. He just sold down the river. Oh my God. He did the same thing with wife number three. He took her to social events and treated her as anyone would treat a wife. Okay. So now I think. Okay. Okay. Because you you start skeptical of this man. Sure. But then the story of him bringing his black wife around is kind of like progressive and very progressive. Yeah. And then the fact that he does it a second time, you're like, that's a little weird. I mean, okay, maybe, you know, look, lightning

struck twice in this crazy world. This guy just found another. Yeah. Then look, he has a slave fetish. She runs and he sells her deeper in the south. Now there's a third. Yeah. So now you got to think that the people who are like Jesus, can we stop inviting him to stuff? I mean, this is crazy. What is he doing? They're right. They're they're starting to be right. Yeah. But she was on board. She called him my dear colonel and that's where Johnson's life was when Jackson wanted him to be vice president. So yeah, how is your time been? You ready to be the VP? You got nothing. No skeletons. Real quick. And these are some guys are going to ask you some questions venture real quick. Take 20, 30 minutes. Then

let's meet. We'll talk about this stuff. Okay. Okay. Can my wife come? Sure. Oh, I believe we met. Did we? Oh, no, you met the last two. To what? Why two before this one? Sorry, two wives before black that looked like, yeah, right. Okay. So sit down with these guys. Sit down with these guys. It'll take about five to six hours. Okay. Listen. I'm gonna roll my black babies. All right. Take care. These guys are gonna talk to you about five to six days. So he was the VP candidate for the Democratic Party. And he cost the Democratic Tickets votes in the south. Marius in the south. Marius they even trying to force her upon Southern society was too much. And he lost votes in the north because he sold his

second wife down the river. Yeah. The Democratic ticket even lost Kentucky. He was a completely useless candidate. And yet he and Van Buren somehow won by a slim majority. The election wasn't settled. We're still talking about the Electoral College, right? Yeah. So so if people don't understand how America works, it's it's stupid fuck over people. But basically, the Electoral College works like you you vote and then and then in that area, you have picked each state to represent your state. And then they go and they and then they vote again. With the other people, the electors vote again and they choose. Yes. So they could all be told to vote for a guy and then go there and not vote for that guy. Right. They can do

that. Yes. And if it sounds ridiculous, that's because it is completely insane. All the Democratic electors voted for Van Buren for president, but the Virginia delegation refused to vote for Johnson for vice president. They cast their votes for someone else. So Johnson now was one vote short of becoming VP. This meant the Senate had to make the decision. That's amazing. So like they did like they were the first ones to do like the right in like where someone's like Pee Wee Herman, like they were the first ones to just be like, no, no, this dog instead. Fuck him. That guy. Okay, so now the Senate has to decide. So the Senate was like, fuck, we got to fucking do this or else people are going to flip out. So the Senate

was like, OK, he's in and they voted for him. Okay, to avoid chaos and humiliation. Right. Because he was such a problem problematic person, Johnson really couldn't do the usual ceremonial crap of VP would do Van Buren, who never even wanted him to be his VP, just sent him to the Senate the entire four years where he served as presiding officer. Right. So just kind of bullshit. Yeah. Right. I mean, he could be the deciding vote and stuff like that. Right. But not yet. Right. There wasn't much to the job. It was said he often left his chair to, quote, lounge around. He was often seen chatting near one of the four fireplaces that kept the Senate chamber warm. Wow. For that a lot to do, Johnson focused on getting

himself out of debt. He opened an academy to train Native American boys to be more civilized. In other words, they started opening up these academies to just take the Native American out of the Native American God. And there were a lot of them. The Choctaw Academy was very lucrative as he got funds from the government for each student he enrolled. That is so ridiculous. So he's he's making money by whitening people. Yeah. After that, he opened a spa, hotel and tavern on some of his property in Kentucky. Who is this guy? What is going on? I still can't get over a Native American like a school to like. Oh, yeah, we'll do one about that sometime. You just come. I mean, like, I mean, honestly,

like if you think if you think of what America is, right? Yeah, if America is a house, yeah, it was an a house occupied by people that we came into, kill the bunch of them, threw them out. And then we're like, come dress like us and be like us. And they're like, but our house, we're like, no, you don't live here anymore. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, our house be like us. You can live in the shed. Yeah. Okay. This is a salad fork, salad fork. Okay. The moon has darkened on this situation we all now live in salad fork. Johnson then just left and went home to run the spa for nine months. This dude is I mean, what is this guy? Wait, I mean, up is down, down is up and then it's back to normal. He's great.

And one politician visited him, he wrote the politician wrote to President Van Buren and said that Johnson was quote, happy in the inglorious pursuit of tavern keeping, even giving his personal superintendents to the chicken and egg purchasing and watermelon selling department. Wait, what? What does that mean? He said that he was having an awesome time at his spot and tavern and he was off buying eggs and shit. That's what he's having a good time getting eggs and melons. So he's like living eat pray love where they're like, can you vote on this? I'm getting a rub down. We need to break the vote. We have a tie. But this didn't help was already suffering reputation to just leave his job for nine

months. None of it helped. And the economy collapsed. And he suddenly found himself an even deeper debt. He also suffered from chronic pain from wounds he had gotten fighting in the war of 1812. People said around this time he changed. He no longer dressed well and his appearance became unkempt and disheveled. People stopped seeing him as charming and he became crude and vulgar. The election of 1840 was fast approaching and Johnson was clearly a problem. Even Andrew Jackson no longer backed him. But Ben Van Buren didn't want to just dump him for fear of losing veterans in the West. With the administration taking the blame for killing the economy, Van Buren couldn't take any chances. At the Democratic

Convention, the delegates decided to choose not to choose. What? Johnson was not re nominated for VP. No one was nominated for VP. That's allowed. They figured it was better to have no one instead of Johnson. And they didn't want to replace Johnson. Wait. So they just cut him? He was so bad that they figured they would upset the West if they picked somebody else. They're just like, what about nobody? That is almost a little bit in a way like what Trump is doing is like, you're just like, well, who's the vice president? He's going to be the best. Well, who is he? He'll be the best. He'll be the best VP. Who do you want as VP? Well, I want a guy who, you know, fights for women's rights and wants to make

the imbalance in America stronger. Yeah, I got a guy. I got a guy. He's the best. Not one of those garbage guys. Who do you hate? I hate Hitler. Yeah, he's exact opposite. Who do you love? I love George Clooney. Yes, George Clooney. He's the best. So no one's chosen. They figured it would be better to have no one instead of Johnson. Johnson did not give two shits. He ran as an independent and most voters just assumed he was on the Democratic ticket. So they voted for him. What? Regardless, Van Buren was defeated and Johnson with him. His political care was over, but not in his mind. He ran for the Senate three more times and lost each time. Being completely insane in 1844, he tried to get on the Democratic

presidential ticket again, but failed. What have I ever done that I can't be the president? Lots of stuff. That's amazing. And yet, he still had his old pals in his district back home. He ran for the Kentucky House of Representatives in 1850 and won. What? But unfortunately, he was always too sick. Rumor was at this point he had dementia. The Louisville Daily Journal wrote, quote, it is painful to see him on the floor of tempting to discharge the duties of a member. In November, he had a stroke and died. That, I mean, to have, like, I mean, we honestly had a president who had a good amount of dementia. But the idea, like, because when you're on the floor, like, you were allowed to talk

for like five minutes. Yeah. So someone who's just down there is just like, we need to start making bigger sandcastles for the last time. We can live in them if we become cats. Now, everybody listen to me and listen close, listen close. This is my best friend. This is a watermelon with a hole in it. Oh, boy. I'm marrying this. This is my new wife. Okay. Yes. And then these are my kids. They're bananas. Meet our dog, strawberry. Okay, I think your time's up. I have 30 more seconds and I want to say something. Okay. I have macaroni in my pant pockets. Okay. And if I mush my hands in, I can make it into a sort of paste. Okay. Yep. And there's one

more thing. Okay. Yum yum. Okay. Tom Tom. Thank you. Alrighty, gentlemen. I'll be handing out pocket macaroni if any. All right. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, I'm eating candles. Okay, thank you. Thanks guys. Thank you. He's only surviving biracial daughter. So one of his daughter died at this point. He's only surviving biracial daughter was ruled illegitimate by the court and therefore unable to receive the inheritance he had left her. Oh, she was black. It was divided up by his brothers. Well, that's the ending. Yeah. Oh my god. So he seemed awesome. He is our worst vice president ever. It's kind of like, you know, I mean, it's a little bit like an Anna

Nicole situation in a way. It's like you hung in there with this fucking crazy dude with dementia for so long. And at the end of the day, you're like, I'll probably get a little something out of it. And like, no, you don't get anything. You're like, you don't understand what happened. He was no, he thought his mirror was his twin brother for a year and a half. All right. Well, great. I hope you're happy. Thank you. Go get tickets to the New York and Chicago shows April 17th. We'll be signing cars. We'll be signing cars.