The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 142 - The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Sarah Tiana   MeUndies - Code: Dollop

you know what i don't have a log cabin in the yukon you know what i wish i had right now a log cabin in the yukon because apparently people are flocking up there to see the northern lights like the sky's throwing a rave every night and people need places to stay and not hotels there aren't a ton of hotels up there but if you've got a spare room cozy cabin a yurt you could actually be making money by hosting on Airbnb. And here's the thing. It's not about being a super host in a city penthouse. It's about giving people a place to experience something they'll never forget and making a little extra cash while you're at it. And think of what the money could be used for. You could maybe buy a Yeti costume and wear it in the woods during your trip, make people believe in Bigfoot or affirm their

belief. I mean, you could even fund a home renovation project you've been dreaming of. So your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Yeah, the dollop is brought to you by mood. Not just like moods. Yep. Moods don't have sponsors. No.

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All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week. Sarah Tiana, returning champion. three, two, one, back to one, Sarah, whatever you're ready to go.

Hi. Hi. I see you guys. Good to see you. Welcome back. This is the first time we've talked all day. Yep. There's been no warm-up.

Sarah, you have a dog named Tatum. You have a podcast called sports. Puppy. Wow. You have a podcast called sports bitches. Am I allowed to say that? The bitch's name? Yeah.

Did you guys have a full chest? When you were thinking about naming the podcast, were you like, should we call it bitches or will it be an issue or do you just go with it? Yeah, we did think of it would be an issue. But issues are good. We just moved to an. Yeah, but then we were all like, this is who we are. Yeah, there you are.

So if people are sad about it or like the name is a problem, then they just use a little asterisk or whatever. There you go. but also like with what's going on that's like the least well what I like is you guys are sort of you know you're sort of you're bucking the conventional

gender paradigm which is why Dave and I started a show called cooking dicks oh yeah so we would love to be on the same network but we actually cook dicks yeah the whole thing is we eat penises from various species

but this isn't about which one is your favorite I like turtles I like human but this isn't about this isn't about that this is about how much you're crushing it and how much you're demureing but thank you for coming back

congratulations on everything even the dog even though it's got a pretty bad name to be honest with you it's tough well like people say after Jason and then I can just go no channing

oh you know but wasn't the guy on the Simpsons the boxer on the Simpsons named Tatum something that's what I was hoping it was after because even naming your dog after Channing Tatum is like I don't know It's not the best

Tatum O'Neill Yeah I don't know I think that was the Simpsons character Is that what it was? Maybe I don't know I don't have that kind of memory Okay

All right All right whatever So I really want to find out If that was Okay that's fair Well then we'll start So I hung out with Channing Tatum

Once drank tequila with him in a parking lot. He was awesome. Drederick Tatum is his name. In a parking lot? Yeah, he was on a TV show I wrote on and it was like all the women were so a flutter. All the women were so a flutter when he was on set and then and then when I hung out with him, I was like, I am massively in love with that guy. I was in love with him very quickly. Did you, was there, did you like stare at him in the eyes and were you like, he was, this was his hottest and I had trouble focusing. The biggest, I guess the biggest guy I got drunk with was Matt Damon.

That was fun. Who? Matt Damon? I got drunk with Matt Damon. Has he been in anything? I don't know if I've heard of this guy. He, uh, no, after good, he did this movie called Goodwill Hunting and then he just kind of disappeared. Oh.

He's more of a writer. That's right. Oh, that's smart. That's the smart route to go. Do you see how Ripty is now? Is he? Yeah. He's all fucking.

No, really? Oh, yeah. Right now. Matt Damon has ripped his shit. Okay, so he lied to me when we were drinking because he said, I said, will you ever do another born? And he was like, I can't work out like that anymore. Well, now they're all, now everyone over 60 is just getting pincushioned.

Yeah, they are. Yeah, there's lots of stuff going in them now. And it's like, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. But he's definitely on something, but he's got abs. So, whatever. Matt Damon would love my dog's name. So there.

So what? No, she's right. So would John Crosinski. You don't like, your husband is the Boston, he likes them, right? Yeah, I'm not a Boston person, but yeah, that was, that's like the caveat. It's like I got to pick the dog, I got to get a dog. And he got to name the dog. That's fair.

That's really what a good marriage is, is you're basically co-parenting each other. Yeah. Like a chore list. What will get you to say yes? Yeah, well, how do I bribe you in your, yeah, exactly. I'm begging, so let's compromise. Yes, in a healthy way. Yes, yes.

It's like, I've always called it sexual parents. Okay, so let's, Sarah, you know what we do here, and even if you don't, I'm going to pretend you do. But we're going to guess what year this paper's from. You will win because Dave has some sort of agenda against me. He sits there stone face and pretends like he doesn't. He does. This is crazy. So why don't you guess, why don't you get it?

Because Luke was here. That's not. And you have an animus towards him more than me at the moment, which is, says a lot. What year do you think this paper could be from, Sarah? A reminder, it's a historical podcast. I'm hoping 1925. 1925, hell of a guess. 1899.

You're so wrong. What is it? Sarah is so right. It's 1921. She's so close. Yeah, and she won in earnest. So wrong. Why don't you complain a little bit?

Why don't you make up some? Even if I said 1925, she would have won. You know that. Deep in your weird little head. I don't. And deep inside your heart that your father damaged, you know the truth. A little misogyny coming through. Don't you dare.

The Dylan Harold. It's Mr. Sogeny. Dylan, South Carolina, September 8th, 1921. So just before 9-11. Oh. Monstrous. You said South Carolina? Yeah.

Okay. What do you think about that? Dylan. It's close to, it's close to your area. Yeah. Monstrous tracks cause much concern. As they should. Several weeks.

This has truck a story written all over it. Several weeks ago, the Enterprise published a story taken from the Dylan Herald to the effect that monster tracks resembling that of a human foot. Well, that's not...

I got to, I'm actually, there's a problem with the story right now. Is this just the, opening lyrics to monster mash. It's not a monster foot if it's a human foot. Yeah. I don't disagree. Oh, but it's just like a large, a large human foot.

It's a big guy. This is a big, this is a big guy. Yeah, it's a big guy. We're not used to seeing big old boy. This is before college football. If college football existed at 1921, they'd be like, let's sign this guy. Who is he? Or they'd be tracking, like a tracker, like Tase's footprint and he's a DL.

Lawn backer Lawn backer LB B. Not a QB or a WR Go ahead sir Had been seen in Mawbrough County and also that a giant

had called at a farmhouse for a drink of water What in the name of Tim Burton A giant I called for a water At a farmhouse, no less I'm here for a drink of water And then we reveal that he's like 510 Look at the size of him

510 180 my god Oh Lord in heaven He won't fit in our church He'll drink a full glass if you're not careful This man's an ominous And finding the pump out of commission pulled it up and threw it away. That's fair. I mean, you could argue that that's just helpful.

Yeah, that I get, man. If you try, if you want water and there's no water coming out of the thing that gives you water, you rip it up and throw it away. Call the town giant. That's just what happens. He pulled the whole pump out of the ground? Yeah, he's big. Is that what happened?

Yeah. Apparently, I'm a bit dubious. of all of this stuff. How dare you? This is in the newspaper. You're right. Now comes the report as published

in the Hartsville Messenger last week that similar tracks have been seen in Darlington County. The people in this section feel very much gratification in the fact that the wild man

seems to be headed in another direction and will give Mullins the go by altogether. Wow. So they're happy the, I'm going to say giant. The giant is passing

by. Do you feel like you're going to get canceled for saying giant? I just don't, I just don't want to. I think you're allowed to say that. I don't want to label this big guy. It's one of the few ones that you're allowed to use. I don't want to label the big guy as a monster because we don't know. He could Do we know it's a man? It could be like a big lady. Big lady.

Let me tell you something. Now be careful, Dave. Now you got to be careful. A big old lady is going to have a much harder time than a big old man. It's a big fat woman giant. You know what it is. It's a big giant. So this fat. I do. It is a very, it is very southern to be like, well, thank God he's not coming our way. Oh, yeah.

We're just happy he left time. Well, yes. Like, it's somebody else's problem now. Our shoe traps work. Shoe, boy. Yes, but in every paper, like in every month paper that, you know, comes after this, they'll say how they were affected, you know, their town was affected the most. Oh, yeah, sure. even though it never came through there. Like the story will get grander

and they will become the victims the longer the story it's existing. It's like human wildfires. We're just glad he's moved. We've a monster adjacent. Yeah. I mean, isn't this the roaring 20s, right? Is this like after the Spanish flu?

No, it's, yes, it's right after. This is great. The side effect. Well, yeah, no, I've always said the best thing about the depression was it kind of got the giants to leave town. They all went to Canada They went to New York

And became a bad football team Yeah Wow I just I still can't even imagine Like writing this as an article I guess Leading the paper

Very little is going on They just see a footprint Leading the paper But if it's like Even if it's Yeah But there was one witness That said they pulled the water

Out of the spout Yeah Yeah The people in this section feel very, oh, I already said that, regardless of what species, be it man, grilla, or old Nick.

What? Is old Nick Santa Claus? Yeah, for sure. So these, so they're saying this might be Santa Claus. Thank goodness, Santa Claus moved to another town. Oh, rabbit St. Nick. He wants children blood. I need their marrow

for my elves. Jesus. This is a much... Give me water! This is a much better Santa Claus than the one we have. We'll be willing... We are willing for him to continuous journey and shall not feel slighted in the least.

The Hartsville Messenger of last week says, Monday morning, tracks measuring 19 inches were discovered near the sanitary laundry and in the road between the tracks of the seaboard airline railway and the pressed wood crossing. So, 19 inches

That could just be a big dude I'm trying to think of what the foot size is But I bet if you look up like a seven foot player in the NBA I bet they have 19 foot Oh yeah An NBA? Yeah

Jack wears a size 23 23 23 So yeah so this could be Shaq Oh wait Yeah This little old baby shit

You know what I just realized I think your shoe size is based on inches you just realized that Oh I didn't know that So my foot is seven inches Well it might be for men Or a man's

Oh yeah Women's So seven 19 inches is a size 19 shoe I well it says Yeah that's why Size 10 shoe and inches Worked shoe store And it was Neves that E

You work in a shoe store Hmm Oh no no wait Nike out when I was growing up. Now it's changing. No, that was just for 10. A size 15 is 12.18 inches. So Dave, you acted like I just learned something that wasn't real. I still think it's true.

Oh, sure. Because you told us you learned something that was real. You told us that I were shoes sizes and inches. And we both went, oh? Jamie, can you? Now you're taking it back. By the way, Sarah, we hired a Jamie to look up all this. stuff.

Jamie, our shoe... There's no Jamie. Jamie, our feet reel. Can you look that up? Yeah, every person is three feet and then they shed one in the womb. Thank you, Jamie. Rumor

has it that similar prints were seen beyond the crossing. The impression left in the sand is like unto a barefoot man. The heel is narrow and the body of the foot is rather sparing in width compared with the length.

Okay, wait. I'm not really sure. The heel is narrow and the body of the foot. I can't focus on a description that well. So it's saying that it's very thin, basically. Honestly, the width and the length, I can tell you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. When it comes to feet. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, it sounds like he's a skate. All skinny dude. Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. The toe prints. He's like Oscar Petorius. The toe prints were also discernible, especially the big toe. So it's a fucking guy. Why are we calling him a monster? Quite a number of people assembled to view the impressions. So now people are coming down to look at the footprint.

Well, we're in the 20s. There's so little to go. There's nothing to do. Hey, Jimmy, you want to go look at these big... Seems like no TV. Yeah, no TV. So you just say, well, me and Frank was going to go look at a shoe print all day. Oh, boy.

They pack a picnic lunch. Yeah, they call in sick for like a week of work. Your boys are allowed to go on your endeavor. Yeah, you're about allowed to go have a fathom in. Can we take a fathom break? Y'all sure may. Boy, that was a good vacation. That was awesome.

Don't act like people in South Carolina were in school anyway. Yeah, right. Yeah. This is me talking at someone from George. who just is like, hates all the neighboring states. But as you're supposed to. I'm just speaking as a rival. That's sure.

As you're supposed to. As one's supposed to. Quite a number of people assembled with the impressions. Mr. J.E. Curvin pronounces the track as that of the devil who was on his way to the country club. Yep. I mean, it's indisputable. Absolutely. Yeah, well, he's on the way to the country club.

country club you know yeah so this guy was like gonna go play tennis well no this guy was not allowed to become a member at the country club why well we don't know but he's got a problem with the country club so he's like well the devil's going there okay i like the idea that the giant goes to the country club clearly the devil is it you think it's literal like when i think of the devil at the country club i'm like well what else is he going to do with all that money yeah yeah but do you think this guy was just using the term devil as like rap scallion like that devil just went on down to the country club yeah yeah i like to think he thinks the actual devil i like to think it's i think you're right but i like to think it's the literal devil yeah i like to think he's just like yes god is a church

and the devil's at the country club we have reservations for six at eight p.m under bubb first name b elsie yeah lucifer uh the last name is fur first name under my wife lucy It appears that the monster, whatever it was entered from over the pond, and Mr. Kriven lives over there. Now it's just like literally like talking about my neighborhood. Near Mr. Krivans. He's the fellow who borrowed my saw, never returned it. Mr. Vaughn says it's a hoax, for he says the tracks are not heavy enough for such a big man nor animal.

Okay, so they're not going. So he's a depth print guy. This is the guy that's right. Yeah, right. Someone took a cut out of a foot and didn't push it down hard enough. And this guy knows. That's why you got to wear the print shoes. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. It's like, did you not see CSI, Dillon, South Carolina? Thank you. Obviously. Yes. It's classic CSI shit.

CSI 1925. Such a good show. Yeah, really good. Expression 21. Dylan. Great. It's I Dylan. It was the first radio.

video drama. So boring. Just terror like ludicrous is starring in it like, yo, this is not good. And all they did back then was footprints. It was just print stuff. I don't think this is a real footprint. It looks like a murderer walked through our town. Wow.

Others exclaim Wildman and some say it is a gorilla which has gotten loose. I like this guy. And some. You fools, it's a gorilla for the last town. A gorilla's foot looks really different than a person's foot. That's why it... The gorilla's foot is only wide. Yes.

It is not narrow. Yes, that's why they don't wear shoes. It looks like a head. I am not. Okay, first of all, you're a bunch of city full. This is a gorilla and we've got ourselves a leaping riller. Look, you can't tell if it's a hat or a foot. He might have been somersaulting, you fools.

Yeah. Well, what's the neighbor's name? Yeah. Mr. Vaughn. That guy. Yeah, you're like, Mr. Vaughn, there, guerrillas are not native to the United States, so there won't just be a gorilla walking around.

That, guerrillas go where trees exist. Gorilla eggs hatch out of tree trunks, you fools. Good Lord. Oh, yeah. Read a book. Yeah, read a book. Anyhow, the tracks were made by... Anyhow, being in the paper is fucking incredible.

Like, that is like a get back on track. You're writing a fucking article. Anyhow, what was that talking about? Oh, right, miss paper. Anyhow, the tracks were made by something. The editors saw them. The news spread all over town and all kinds of gossip has been indulgence since.

Everything that's gossip. is true. The paper... We might have a devil gorilla. The rarest breed. Satan's monkey. And he's sitting at table six at the country club. Oh, yes, we'll have some more bananas flambay.

That is obvious. The papers recently carried accounts of big tracks being found in Marlborough County, and it is stated such a revelation has appeared in one of the western counties of South Carolina. So now everyone's like, well, we got them too. We also have a gorilla. It was all the talk Monday and adds, the shades of evening gathered a spooky feeling pervaded many households, especially children were excited. Now, the creature making the tracks has not been seen except possibly in the imagination of some nervous folks. Yeah. No, it's Bigfoot. But the tracks did not stop in the swamp near the laundry and press

crossing, lo and behold, Tuesday morning, comes the news that the same kind of looking indentures were being, and thereby did appear in a field on the plantation of Mr. Lead Jordan. Automobiles hastened out in numbers to witness the mysterious affixments upon the earth, and the report was found to be correct. The editor talked with Mr. Jordan, and he confirmed the rumors, but Mr. Jordan gave his opinion that, quote, it was all a put-up job. Look, it's fall. It's the fall time of year.

I don't need you to tell me what time of year. When fall is happening, that means you got football. You can run around and jump in your leaf pile. The beers are colder. They're just outside. Calder. And if you're still wearing those kind of nary old boxers, the beat-up ones that you like to wear

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Gareth's, I'm going to take them off and then Gareth's going to wear them. Yep, that's the way this custody stuff works. Yeah, we did have a custody battle over the Miondi's. And it came out pretty even,

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20% on your first order. Well, why write an article so long about a fucking hoax? Because everyone's talking about it. Yeah, but he really like... A set of footprint. Yeah, he led us along on that ride. He really did. Yeah. He's like, you know that poem footprints in the sand about Jesus. That got a lot of traction. So I just tried to write a lot of people love that story. About possible guerrilla tracks in Dillon, South Carolina.

Well, it actually opens an interesting idea for an article. I would like to track those Jesus steps on the beach. What we got here, boys, is a faux Christ. I guess my question is, do guerrillas have a devil? By the way, if Jesus was put on that

cross, he probably shouldn't be walking on open sand and carrying someone. That will get infected. The only person who will save him is Jesus himself, whom he might be. But if he's not, I think we're thinking of a cross gorilla. Go ahead, Sarah. It is interesting that, like, you know, it ends up at the Jordan, Jordan farm or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. Jordan does have big feet and tar heels. Whoa. Whoa. What a, yeah. It looks like in between the steps is a length of a free throw. Each step has the cadence of a man running and jumping from the free throw line. Oh, you'll like this ending, Gareth.

If any further developments occur, readers of the messenger will be told of the facts next week. So children don't get excited, don't be alarmed for the wild man will do no harm. I don't care for it How would you know Oh see It is a poem Yep it is It is

How would you know the wild man It'll do you no harm Well I think it's We haven't seen any bones Near the track Because they invented it Yeah

It's all made up for the paper Don't worry This is lore So I can tell you He's safe Because he is a He is a figure of my imagination Bullship can't bite

To fill up space in a he wrote anyhow he's clearly trying remember when you were writing papers in high school and you're like they needed to be like so many pages long he would use a lot of extra words

oh the amount of times I would write what was I talking about oh wait what was I talking about again therefore so many therefores which leads me to believe I do remember

remember I do remember starting a paper once by saying when I started this paper I thought euthanasia was about young people in Asia and my teacher just like crossed it out and was like do not include stuff like this I was like buddy I came up with a great joke and I didn't realize like other people had made the joke I was like yeah that's a great joke Caught booze suckers Caught booze suckers All right drunk vampires

A few days ago A liquor salesman visited Chirah and Bennetsville And it is reported That he picked up a couple thousand From our good citizens The advance agent of booze

That's a great name of a bar It is actually it is, yeah The advanced agent of booze. The advanced agent of booze. Yeah. Informed his eager purchasers that a truck was following him with liquor refreshments. Liquor refreshments. This is a dream.

Now this is 2021. Yeah. So prohibition? Yeah. Yeah, I believe it's already started. Oh, this is like the best. Sir, let me change my cum-filled pants. It is said that a good many of the aforesaid citizens of the two,

towns purchased heavily, stocked up for Christmas. Oh, man. So they're like, he's like, there's a giant truck of booze behind me. Oh, ho. Would you like to give me money for the booze that isn't here yet? Is that saying? I've been tracking him. The salesman said that he would accept checks, but the purchasers not wishing to leave any

trail behind them shelled out the long green. Oh, that's a good way of putting it, too. For a short time after his departure, there was a. smack ring of lips and anticipation of some real stuff. Lies. None of your home made brand, but before long, the pleasant anticipations were changed to anxious, anxious, expectancy, and then dire grief. Forload the truck with its cargo of O Joyful has not yet arrived.

Oh, no. And now the leading citizens are sadder, but wiser. But wiser. I mean, I don't know. pretty fucking stupid. Yeah. Did they read the article that proceeded directly above this? I don't think they're wiser.

No, they're not. They're only wiser because they don't believe there's a gorilla hopping from farm to farm. They're like they paid a man for future booze. They're smarter idiots. Yeah. Oh, man. That guy, when he got money, when that guy got that money, he was probably just like,

fucking, wow, this town is full of morons. Yeah, yeah, it's coming right that way. Yeah. They have gin now, don't they, sir? Oh, more than you can believe, sir. Yes. Yes, it's like the land of milk and honey, but it is, you know, booze and rum. Oh, it's got everything you could want. That is wild. Sounds like this must be a big truck, sir. It's the largest truck your eyes will ever see, sir. In fact, it's been making footprints all over the farm. Sweet God.

It's such a giant vehicle. It may as well be our leaping rilla. Why this truck is so big, it'll be eating at the country club tonight, sir. Isn't it like so beautiful that we literally used to believe anything? And now we don't believe, don't believe anything. Yeah. Well, we skewed to like, it's like we now believe, like we used to just be idiots. And now we love fantasy.

That's right. Yeah, now we're just like, I don't know, like, someone's been trying to get a hold of me to give me a refund check for a doctor's bill. And I'm like, this is fake. This isn't real. Don't know. I'm fishing. But it was, it was like a real, it was a real amount of money. And I was like, oh, whoops.

Like, I just assumed someone was trying to, you know, swindling. It's just so used to everything being a rip off. What, what doctor's office gives you back money? I mean, who would think that's real? yeah honestly yeah okay all right yep i also believe a gorilla's walking around a field well that's true i am i've seen the tracks you're right sorry my bad church four animals fucking fucking finally that was called an arc that was called an arc just in case we're all sure one of the good things which have gone to extremes seems to be the

First Church for Animal Rights, which was organized secretly in New York. My cat does not believe in God. My cat believes heavily in Christ. Okay. It's planned to include regular Sunday services, a school for children in the cult, and an animal's... Yeah, they're already going hard out. Whoopsie! Didn't mean to say the quiet part out loud.

And an animal Bible composed of scripture passages. in calculating humanity to animals. So anytime they're taking any scripture passages that involves animals or has humanity to animals. Oh, so it's not just, you're not bringing your animals to. I was really excited for. Yeah, I was thinking you were bringing your animals to church. And you have to leave.

I was also thinking you have to leave. You drop them off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're putting, here. It's like doggy daycare, but religious. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.

So it's basically a doggy daycare, and then some guys reading the Bible. Yeah, and the priest is like, all right, animals, quiet down, quiet down, quiet. We all know the term flock applies to man, but who more appropriate than for the canine, the feline, and a couple of lambs in the back. Don't worry, y'all shan't be sacrificial. Now. Now, thou shalt not lick your balls while at a restaurant. Just because one could taste his own ball bag doesn't mean he should. All right, perfect.

Just fiss for throwing holy water. Now why do the dogs love it and the cats seem to fear it? Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor. Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor. Thou shalt not puke and eat your own puke. When you puke, let your puke sit. Someone will clean it up. Eating it is honestly very off pudding.

Don't piss in the house. Now, I understand you might have a worm. It doesn't mean you're allowed to scoot on the rug. Thou shalt not rug scoot. We all get itchy back there, and we deal with it in different ways. But you're always disgusting. That's a rug. That's for maybe laying by the fireside or having a scribble in a journal.

This is the 1920s. You know, Grandpa sleeps on the rug. That's where we're letting Grandpa die. No butt scooting Cats why you're eating your fur It's crazy The purposes of the new church Are announced to be the teachings of the oneness of life

And the awakening of humane consciousness Well that is actually great The championship of the rights of animals These rights being defined as similar To the human rights of life, liberty in the pursuit of happiness. That, I, I think that all the fucking, I mean, all the time, I'm always just like, but none of this ever, like, we're just like, obviously there's not really a sense of equality

any longer, but when we were fighting for it, we were like, and that pigs should live in cages with one inch of room. Yeah. Because bacon. Yeah. Because bacon. The development of the- Yeah, you're right.

I'm with you. Yeah. The development of the character of youth through humane education and the attitude toward human organizations and animal societies as their spiritual foundation had. I would go to this church. I would definitely be in there if it was just all animal teachings. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I think a lot of people would probably really enjoy the Bible if it focused on animals more than your own faults. But it would probably be shorter too. It would be a lot shorter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Church would be way shorter. and then you get to go eat chicken. Yeah, and then right after.

Yeah, right after. All right, now who wants a burger? Cows don't count. Yum. There we go. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Thanks.

We're not vegetarians, though. There you are. Well, I'm not saying we don't eat meat. So this next headline, it's blurred. So I can't tell this. You know, could you, could you go? into this headline, like an MC bringing up the headliner?

Is that possible? Like, you're going to love this next article. You're going to love this next article. He came from south of the... Sorry. It came from south of the border. He's a really... Well, you're going to see, but he's...

He's kind of off his rocker a little bit. Whatever. Snorting Hernandez was some hard-boiled guy. Wait, snorting Hernando with some hard-boiled guy is the headline? Yes. Yep, that's at the funny bun. Snorting. Or it could be shorting, but it's kind of be snorting.

Hernando does sound like a like a sidekick or like an opening act. Completely. Snorting Hernandez. This guy does colleges all over the country. He tours all the time. You're going to love him. Give it up for snorting Hernandez. He's got a podcast.

yeah he's only done clubs and colleges but he won't let you say clubs and colleges oh that's the best you've seen him on comedy central MTV nobody can prove any of this snorting herndo the funniest thing when i used to byron allen byron allen the funniest thing is when i used to comics unleashed yeah he he's only done like clubs and colleges but he makes you introduce him as you've seen him on comics Unleashed. Yeah. By the way,

comics unleashed. There's nothing that unleashes comics more than their scripted bits. Coming back, by the way. He's not like a billionaire.

Well, because Byron Allen now has his own channel. Yeah. Yeah. He has like, I can't remember what it's called, but,

oh, fuck, Sarah, listen, I don't ask for much. I can't wait. Get me in the blood. All I want is to be on one

of those shows fake laughing at other people. Just all I want are my cutaways Or I'm like Ha ha ha ha ha That was hilarious, Jack A I'm dying I watch that show

That's like the most In the backgroundable show The show's on Byron Allen's channel The best That's how she's a billionaire Starting hand out Yeah So much money

Yep But that's what you do and you just, you can make a lot of money when you just go against unions and really just fucking over. Okay dokey, buddy. Some of us are trying to get on that show. Sorry, Sarah. Nice try, buddy.

Showed gang who was boss when time came to go, but he saved enough to get home. Okay, whatever. Hernando Cortez, the lad that took Montezuma's marbles and his country and his life away from him back in the 16th century, was a hard-boiled guy.

What the fuck is happening? This is like Maxim. It's an article from the 16th century. Oh, you went. Okay. You went Maxim, and I was thinking somebody's doing their book report, and they put it in the paper. A little bit.

Yeah, there's that, too. I just like the idea that, like, it's just like, hey, this guy was, this fucking lunatic was, pretty awesome. I got to look at the name of Cortez now. We're so far removed from, how funny is it that, like, society was just far more informed when FHM and Maxim existed?

Like, we were back then, like, boy, we're idiots and now. At least there was, like, some substance to our shit. Okay, it looks like his name is Hernan. Isn't there a C of Cortez? Yeah. It's probably named after him. No relation. No relation.

His name is Hernan, not Hernando. was a Spanish conquistador who led an expedition that caused the fall of the Aztec Empire and brought large portions of what is now mainland Mexico under the rule of the King of Castile in the early 16th century. Cool, man. That is cool. I like him.

Yeah, he sounds awesome. From the time he crashed his way into his first bullfight by carrying water for the horses, he was always inviting old man Troubles Youngest and Brightest Boy out to do four rounds before breakfast. What in the fuck is happening? I don't even understand. The neighbors used to say, quote,

that Herney Cortez is a reckless young feller. Mark my words, he'll come to no good. Wow, what? What a weird? What in the fun? This is like fan fiction. I like the idea. I really like the idea of like doing that like

wistful evil. Boy, that guy's a hell of a guy. His end will be dark. But Herney used to get by with it. His motto used to be quote, I don't know where I'm going and I don't care when I get back. What the fuck is this? That's hard

boiled. This is about a conquistador. That's a hard boiled attitude. That's hard boiled. That's eight to 12 minutes in boiling water and then put in ice. People used to wonder. how he did it until they discovered

Yeah, yeah. People used to wonder how he did it until they discovered that Cortez always had an ace in the hole. He always had something saved up and ready for use when necessity demanded. I guess

I speak for Sarah and I and what are the specifics? While he was snorting. Why are they calling it snorting? What is he snorting? I don't know. While he was snorting around the Caribbean Sea in a steel vest and the tin hat. Snorting.

Snorting around. I love how funny Dave is finding this. This is so funny. It's really hilarious. It's just so casually written about a concussion story. Well, it makes very little sense. But snorting is your action. verb when you're just walking or sailing

is... And his gang dropped into... Yeah, it's got to be a sailing term, right? Yeah, it has to. Oh, it's got to be. And the boys and I are just snort around tonight. And the wife and I are going to go have a dinner, come back for a bit of a snort.

And his gang dropped into Veracruz. Cortez had heard about Montezuma and his wonderful city up in the mountains and wanted to go. The gang refused. Quote, I'll show you who was boss, said Cortez, and burned every one

of his ships as they lay on beach. Man, that's fucking some nice left-eye shit. That's how you fucking do it. That is how you do it. That's full left-eye. Anyone doubts you or doesn't want to go along with your plans? Yeah, he fucking burn them.

Yeah, you just set fire to Andre Risen's house. That's like the best thing to do. Well, excuse me, Sarah. No, you burn all of his shoes in a bathtub. That's right. And then there's some incidental fire. Oh, yeah. I see, I see, I see, I see.

Yeah. Yeah. It's called mess. It's called bathtub messaging. that left the gang no place to go but ahead which was that Cortez wanted but he saved himself up something for the future secretly he saved every bit of iron about those ships collected every nail from the ashes tallowed them and all the carpenter tools against rust and said to the gang let's go sorry we're framing him burning all of of his own ships like some genius move because they're like

but he collected all the metal he had all the metal but all the people all his people wanted to go home yeah but they so he burned the ship so now they have to go forward

yeah but he's got the metal but he was doing good he had all the ships he had all the metal from the ships yes which were already constructed on the ships if people went home

he probably had more but now it's in a pile oh good point I get you're right when he came back to Veracruz this does sound like decisions people make it definitely sounds like decisions that people make when they're snorting stuff yeah it's sniff and logic yeah

yeah no this is i think snorting did mean coke he's like you know what i'm just gonna burn all the boats and then uh and then i'll still have the metal and then we'll all have to go north yeah it's probably perfect dude that's fucking perfect dude yeah and then we could make one sword that we all share yeah we all have one big sword like yeah it's got like 85 it could fit like 85 hands. Oh, give me a gummer. Give me a gummer. When he came back to Veracruz,

he cashed in on his savings. He resurrected the nails. I'd like to deposit a bunch of nails. Sir, we're a bank. Oh, you don't take nails at this bank? Okay. I'll take my business elsewhere. I'd like to withdraw

four pounds of steel. He resurrected the nails, built new ships, and took the gang and the money they had captured back to Spain. Okay, so he kept all the iron because that was the only thing they couldn't make to build ships. So they knew they could build it with wood, which is... I think my pushback earlier is being validated more and more. I'm just saying, it made a lot, guys do a lot of work. Yeah. Yeah.

The moral is that... This seems like, yeah. It just seems like a very long process. Like they could have gotten back to their families a lot faster. And he had ships. And he had to rebuild ships. Yeah. Multiple ships.

Bad boss. Multiple ships. I do like that the next part starts with the moral because everyone reading this like, hey, what the actual fuck is happening right now? Anyway. The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails. Bang. I literally am going to end this podcast.

the moral the only say that can you go ahead go ahead I like can you say the moral again sure yeah the moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships but save the nails yep cool okay no nobody has any problems with it yeah we all have problems with it yeah I mean I guess yeah when next time when I burn my ships I'll do that thank you see Sarah learned something why can't you? Less and learns. She's being nice. The only safe plan for any man to follow is to have a reserve fund in case of emergencies.

And there is only one safe insure plan to accomplish that is to save a certain amount of money every payday and invest it safely. What the fuck? Just this is the, this is like Jim Kramer's shit. Just listen. This is so dumb. And invest it safely where it will be protected, where it will work for you and where you can get it when you need it. The new saving securities of the Treasury Department, the saving stamps, and saving certificates are the safest and most available means of piling up over-served.

I'm including Hulu ads, the longest worst ad I've ever heard. And I'm including YouTube commercials that get poop out of your going. That was great. That is crazy. I'm lowering my A1C. Sarah. Sarah. when you're on a Hulu Bender

and you're like if I hear these fat people sing about their A1C again I'm literally going to go to Hulu headquarters with a sword Yeah I'm going to Yeah I'm going to burn my TV but keep the cord I would really love

I would really love to start auditioning for B-roll acting in pill commercials Like where it's me and my friends like laying down a towel on the beach and then we got to go to a lobster roll truck while it's just like my elbows got a little pink so then I started taking

Pic Noxie I'm a B-roll actor me and my friends now this is what we do Oh man You just want to work in pill commercials Yeah I just want to work as B-roll and pill commercials Just having sex

You'll work a lot What? Yeah huh? Yeah I would love to go ahead What Sure Death to Insects. Okay. This is not a patent medicine advertisement,

but the discovery of a Dylan man who says his remedy is infallible. Well, that's, trust me, in this era, that's always true. Mr. D.V. Perry, the automobile painter, said, quote, I discovered it by accident. Excuse me, not a job. Automobile painter? You said, think about it. You got to paint cars.

One guy. It's still a job. It's a job today. Stop. And what's his first? Where is first initials? DV. DV.

D.M. Guys, do I have to tinfoil hat, everything? Domestic violence. Domestic violence. Thank you. It's domestic violence, Perry. Hello, my name's domestic violence Perry. I'd like to take you on a date.

I see no flags. Mr. D.B. Perry, the automobile painter, said, quote, I discovered it by accident. And so I am passing it along for the benefit of my friends. take your electric light globes and dip them in oil. This fucking, this is, this is... Hear me out. Hear me out.

Listen. Electric light, Globes? Yeah. Take your electric light globes and you're going to want to dip these in oil, okay? Just ordinary oil that comes out of crank cases. You want to hit me your crank cases. Automobile shops.

and your auto body shops. And put the lamps back in. Then you pop your lamp back in. The moment the insects hit... You're going to be able to see inside the head of an alien. The moment the insects hit them, they drop dead. Oh, so this is just insecticide. How to kill bugs.

Right. Like frying them in light oil. Sure. Yep. I can't explain it. I do not know... I don't think you can because we've heard you try. I know.

What does the work? But I know that it kills them. okay one of the globes at the shop got some oil on it oil oh sorry there must be a delay um

so yeah sorry would you say am I yeah okay I was saying that I think it's because when a bug lands on the oil it's like wings or its feet get heavy from the oil

and then they can't fly yeah that's probably because they're because they're I think it just a turns I'm Italian is that wrong what we're gonna get some letters why nobody writes letters people write letters all the time yeah because because they wouldn't fly into oil if it's in a bucket but they're going at the light and they love to hit that light so yeah that makes sense Sarah nailed it well okay it's on their little wing I get it on their little wings and they never have been a take To, uh, I began to investigate and found that it was the oil and the lamp globe that had killed them to make sure that my theory was correct.

I took some of the oil home and dipped the light globes into it as well as it's just like, what the fuck are you doing? The amount of times where you just have to think about the wife in this era of papers where you're just like the wife's like, cool. and I can't get a job or do my own taxes. Honey, dip the globe in oil. We're going to get rid of bugs. That night, I had the pleasure of seeing hundreds of bugs and insects fly to the globes and then topple over dead. Yeah. Ah, the pleasure.

Man, it is so great. TV, what are you doing out there? We, can't he just use the paint that he's paint? painting the cars with and, like, spray the bugs as they're flying. I guess that would make a mess. I like the idea of scorched earth, painting the sky. Why is there paint all over the air? What the hell have you done?

Have you seen one bug? Woman, have you seen one bug? Yes, they're flying with paint all over them all over the place. Well, their time is short. Everything's green. It's also really fun. It's outside of black. If you dip the little light bugs, if you dip the light bugs in blue paint and then let them fly, then you have a beautiful night sky.

He's just covered in blue. Everything's blue. I don't think you'll get bit by another mosquito for a minute. I'm leaving you, and that's not even possible in this time. I've invented divorce. Since the wet weather in July and August, our house has been. full of bugs and insects. Fine wire screens will not keep them out. They had annoyed us greatly, but now the bugs and insects are gone.

As is my wife. Everything I love is gone. I found a way to get rid of mosquitoes and my lovely wife. I would advise anyone who's troubled with bugs and insects to try the remedy, the oil is plentiful at the garages where they will give it away to get rid of it. me, I was going to see if you boys could give me another globe's worth of oil. I'm having a barbecue on Saturday. I mean, honestly, I don't really hate that invention.

I think that's a really fun idea. I have a good idea. I can't, I honestly can see the monster footprint easier than what the fuck this guy's talking about. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, It's just car oil. You just dip a light in car oil and then the bugs killed them. It's a bug zapper in 1921, basically. I don't believe it to be true. You two are way too on board with whatever the fun. Look, did it last? Do we hear about it now? Thank you. This really took off. Thank you. He should have patented it. I mean, it was probably hot idea. It probably got the ball started for like bug zippers.

I'll bet you this guy was collecting money. money for this saying that a truck was down the road with all the supplies they needed. That's how real this was. Light bulbs and oil? Yeah. Just like a fantastical liquor truck. He's given away the idea.

He's not trying to hold on anything. He's not trying to profit. He's being very neighborly. You both sound a little hard boiled. It's South Carolina. I mean, I mean, people ask me, like, the hardest part about living in L.A., and I'm like, I, you know, it's Dodgers fans.

But, like, honestly, like, other than that, like, I would pay 90% in taxes to live here to, like, never have to go back to bugs or snakes that just, like, devour me all summer long. So I get where this guy's coming from. So I'm on board. When she goes back, she gets devoured by snakes every time. I have actually seen some of your posts. This is why I don't come back. Her poor mom. Her mom is literally just fighting off snakes day and night.

Well, we love your mother. We're big fans of your mother. Does your mother still listen to our show? Oh, yeah, all the time. Or is? She'll be the first to text me. Okay. After she listens to this in her little sewing room as she's sewing her quilts or

or cat bowties. Right now she's been doing, she's been, yeah, she's been making, doing beaded stuff now. So she's been making, like, jewelry with beads. Come on. I'm ready to wear it. Yeah, next level. I'm ready to wear it. You let her know.

Can she make Gareth a crown? Sue, if it's possible to give me a crown and may I go around saying I'm the king of podcasts, if that's possible, Sue. Well, Sarah, thank you for joining us. Always a pleasure. People should listen to sports bitches.

Do you go on the road and do stand-up? I always see your clips. Are you on the road a lot? No. No. You have a child and a dog. I'm always going to be old enough and ugly enough to do the road. So I'm going to just wait until my child is a little older.

I mean, I do it here and there every once in a while, like when I actually have the time. But, yeah. By the way, your next special, old enough and ugly enough. Let's go. And I'm on the road doing it. Yeah. No, believe it. As someone who's on the road all the time, that.

That hits home pretty hard. Well, thank you, Sarah. Appreciate it. You're the best. Thank you for returning as a champion. Yeah. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days.

Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube,

you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff. the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.