The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 150 - James Sullivan and the 1904 Olympic Games (Live)

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Rory Scovel to discuss the 1904 Olympic Games in St. Louis. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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put your hands together for the dollop! You gave it a whirl didn't you, Meryl? Hi everybody! Hi, I'm the dollop. That's definitely tough to hear. What is going on? What? You're really saving that little chestnut, huh? How sad is it that I came down here before the show and put that back there? I thought you had it on you. It's like a setup and then... No, you're basically carrot-top. You're girl-top. I am girl-top. You guys know what I'm talking about? I hear beeping. Yeah, someone's watches. Someone has somewhere to be. They have to go to the dollop right now and their alarm is going up.

So I'm backing up? Who's backing up? It's the popcorn machine. You know, it's a great show when you can hear the popcorn machine. Well, we can tell you're locked in. What's that beeping? A mile and a half away, there's a beeping. What is that? What is that? On a mountain top, a goat is shrilling! Shut it down! Okay. That guy's honking his goddamn horn. Stop shutting doors! Okay, I wish I could remember the fucking guy's name. So we have a... Oh, in the audience is a... How many people have never heard the podcast before? Okay. See, we're doing a hand clap and a hand raise, so we weren't clear, but there... Yep. Some hands went up

and others clapped. No, could you could you just blink? So in the audience is a direct descendant of Samuel Whitmore. Oh, shit. How about that shit? That's real shit. Do you remember who that is? Yeah. He has no idea who that is. Yeah, I know him. The badass old guy from the Revolutionary War. Yeah, from the Revolutionary War. He's a badass. And, sir, I'll just say big fan, so... Wherever you are. We want to thank our subscribers at Patreon. You guys are awesome. That's not directed to the handraisers. I think if you guys were not donating, we wouldn't be doing this anymore. That's... what? It's an insane thing to say. Because it's...

It sounded normal when you said it, but... Because we just... we just do this for money. No, okay. Don't... We don't have fun. This isn't fun. Don't open up anymore. Put the hat back on. Go back to that bit. That was a better bit. This is enjoyable. Nope. It's a tedious, arduous fucking podcast. All right, buddy. That takes my soul every week. All right, pal. And my wife doesn't love me anymore because she doesn't see me. My son calls me Phil. Yeah, it must be tough to have your name changed like that. Wow. Well, hey. This kitty has claws. I think we need to borrow Meryl from shows. His name's Marble. Marble. Just changed. Ladies and gentlemen, originally we had Patton Oswalt lined up, but he is a fucking asshole.

And so we got somebody better. Much better. Not as popular. What's happening? But better. Better in a way that he's funnier and smarter, but just not to the masses. Not. He was on a show that was canceled on TBS, I think. Rory, I don't. And he is, I believe, available for work. Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Scovel. He was, we made him wait outside. Wait a kick it off right for me. Bring me up with some pizzazz. Folks, here's who we wanted. Here's who we ended up with. I'm happy. Oh, but there were others. There were, we tried to get Patton Oswalt and 10 other people. And then Rory was actually just standing outside a few minutes ago and you were selling stuff from your tote bag. I was trying to sell some of the free

stuff we got. And Dave was like, do you want to be on our podcast? And I said, you got it. So I'm here to lend my services. I don't even know what that means. Are you hot yet? I'm not hot, but I will take this off if I become hot. Yeah, you will. I like how you work. Hey, Rory. Hey, Rory. Yeah. Hey, November 18, 1862. Let us go there. James E. Sullivan was born in New York City, the son of Irish immigrants. Perfect. True. Thank you for doing all the research. I'm unaware that it's not a game show. True. I think true. Don't answer that. Okay, sorry. No rape. Nope. Please hit your buzzer. It's your buzzer if you think that's a fact. I have a cold. So I'll be coughing like I'm dying throughout this podcast. Awesome.

His parents are working class and he got a public education at 16. He started working at Frank Leslie's publications. You guys remember that? Yeah, Frank Leslie. And two years later, he started his own paper, The Athletics News. Okay. He continued to work in sports publishing and expanded into selling sporting goods so far. Pretty boring. Yeah. I mean, that's what we're all thinking. But those were glory days. That's a glory time when you just call your newspaper exactly athletic news, like no creativity. We're the athletic news. Any questions? He was an athlete himself starting as runner at 15 as a member of the Pastime Athletic Club. That's a great name too. And in 1888, he helped establish

the Amateur Athletic Union, which was created to establish common standards for amateur sports. Huh? Yeah. So amateur sports were not really regulated before then. Right. You could do anything. They were like, no. Oh, no touchdown. Piss on him. What? I feel like that might not have been a thing. Oh, you are hot. Oh, boy. You know, after my, after my athletic news joke didn't hit, I thought, do you know how to take off a jacket? Yeah, I got it. Usually people will, will the flopping one arm thing was like you were driving. That's so terrified. There's always that moment when you're taking your jacket off. Here we go. Here we go. I'm so scared that one sleeve says, oh, I'm in too deep. I'm in deep now.

Put it back on. Take it off. The only way out is through. Oh, so Sullivan using the Amateur Athletic Union to create common standards for amateur sports wrestled control from the other amateur athletic unions in the country. And he was exactly the kind of asshole that was needed to fight for control. Quote, he was blunt, avoided compromise and preferred honest directness no matter who got hurt. Okay, so right. So he didn't mind what happened. He would just get his way. Yeah, fucking asshole. Well, all right. Maybe he's a visionary. He as big break came in 1892 when he was asked to run the American sports publishing company. He uses power in that position to push the AU and its and his agenda. And under his control,

the AU took over and soon most US national championships took place under its leadership. He wanted to show above all the supremacy of the American athlete. Yep. Hmm. That's a little bit of a red flag. You think? Yeah. Is this the metaphor for Hitler? The athlete will be the reigning race. Only athletes will control the world. That was probably his voice. Go on. So he just wanted to make sure the amateur athletes in the States were the best. Well, he wanted to show that the American athlete was better than everybody else. And you're very emphatic. So when you say better than everyone else, do you mean better than athletes from other countries or just people in general? Just every amateur athlete is the best you

can do. Just everybody. Don't tell them about professional athletes. Don't let you guys are doing great. No, we didn't sell any tickets tonight. You don't need to. You're at the height of your career. The pinnacle. You're not doing it for money back in the weight room. You amateurs. Now, in 1904, the city of St. Louis was planning to host an event called the Louisiana Purchase Centennial Exhibition. Catchy. All right, the SLEP, whatever you said. The LPCC. The LPCC. Why wouldn't you celebrate 100 years of buying Louisiana? Gotta do something with it. So it was actually a combine and turn into a world's fair. The Louisiana Purchase occurred in 1803. But 1904 is 101 years later. If you're doing the

math, well, but the planning, you really want to make sure you do it right. So you start planning on the anniversary for a big shindig right a year from then. Yes. It was delayed to allow for larger participation of more states in foreign countries. There will be exhibitions from 1662 foreign countries, 43 states, big, big, who are six? Did you say 62? 62 foreign countries, okay, 43 states, really is a world's fair. While all this is going on, the International Olympic Committee was looking at different US cities to hold the Olympics in in 1904. And after contemplating New York and Philadelphia, they awarded the Olympic Games to Chicago. This would be the third Olympic Games. But the city of St. Louis

was not pleased. The Olympics were going to take place at the same time as the Louisiana Purchase Centennial plus one year exhibition. I want to add horror ambiance to this story. Really the exact same weekend. It's definitely creepier. And now I'm worried. Yeah, I didn't expect this misinterpreting the story. You might be getting it right. So Louie is going to do it any respectful city would to do. They decided to hold their own sports competition and they reached out to Sullivan. And of course, Sullivan agreed to stage the AAU track and field championships at the world's fair. The amateur athletic union was huge. So this was a big deal and a big problem for the Chicago Olympics. What they were trying to do was

to force the IOC to move the games to St. Louis. Having a larger competing athletic event happening at the same time as the Olympic Games could spell ruin. So Olympics founder Pierre Dick Kuborty gave in. Yeah, yeah, he's French. He's French. Hello. I looked it up. I fucking went and I pressed a button and a French guy went beer, dick about the and I was like, I got I got this. Pierre, the scent was strong. Someone get Pierre on the phone. Pierre, we found another body. Was it an amateur or a professional athlete? We're not talking about professionals anymore, Pierre. So Pierre gave in and the games have switched to St. Louis, but Pierre was pissed. Of course, he said he said he thought, quote,

the Olympiad would match the mediocrity of the town of St. Louis. That's backhanded. Have fun. I love my front-handed. I love a calm comment like that. Really put St. Louis in their place. Now you've always hated St. Louis. Always hated him no matter what. It's just that's all I've got. Sorry, chapter two. Once the decision was made, Pierre pretty much bowed out of the Olympics. All communication between St. Louis and Kuborty stopped. He actually loathes Sullivan. So Sullivan and St. Louis were on their own to do what they wanted. So they were making their own Olympics. There was no Olympic charter for them to follow. No rules. They know nothing. Wait, a ruleless Olympics? Yep. That's the

year poker got in. And poker slid right under the door. We've always been in the Olympics. Yeah, a copier. He's not answering. He's going to take our word for it. Yes. Yep. The world's fair was much longer than the Olympic games. Instead of lasting two weeks, the Olympic games were incorporated into the fair, which meant they would take place over seven months. What? What? No. No. What? Seven month festival? What happened? Is that weird? Is that strange? What? What? People are coming from 62 countries? What is their hotel bill? I'll say goodbye to your wife and kid. They'll be a year older when you see them again. So not only did they have no affiliation with the Olympic committee anymore, but they had

no idea what the Olympics were. Zero idea of the time frame. What do you think? Seven months for this guy? Seven eight? How long does it take to do this? Seven if we're rushing. All right. Let's rush to do seven. They're going from April to November. And the rest of the world wasn't as into the Olympics in a second tier U.S. city that would be difficult to travel to and would take place for seven months. So many nations decided not to go to the 1904 Olympic games. The fair slash Olympics started on April 30th, 1904. The opening ceremony for the Olympics was held four and a half months. Milk it. We're still building horses. The opening ceremony was held in May after many speeches from a lot of politicians.

Track and field contests immediately commenced. Spectators watched the event in the packed stadium. But what they were actually watching were the Missouri high school track and field championships. I don't even understand what I'm not going to lie. A lot of people turned out for this one, huh? Your discovery of this story is a screenplay ready to be written. Hope no one here writes screenplays. The fair itself was nothing like anyone had ever seen. It was the largest. Wait, sorry. Why were they watching high school people? What happened? They just how were they going to fill seven months with fucking athletes? They're just like, yeah, you guys want to do it. All right, so there. So the opening ceremony was a scam

or I just saying. Think about it's a little bit of both. All right, a packed stadium, a packed stadium with all these nervous to compete in the Olympics. I just thought this was the fifteen hundred. Honey, what's it say on the ticket? This is the make a wish day. What's that down there? I could do that. No, it's regular kid. Looks like he's thirteen. He is thirteen. Yeah, it's the best athlete in the world. He's thirteen and a little chubby. It was the largest, largest exposition that had ever been held covering one thousand two hundred seventy two acres. The fair had educational exhibits, including scientific agriculture, art, great inventions and discoveries, health, quote, electricity up to nineteen

oh four. Thank God they didn't get into that nineteen oh six electricity and nineteen oh four. Jesus Christ, what would have happened and we'll have to plug ourselves in. So I'm anyways, I'm picturing a coach in the locker room going guys. I'm not going to lie to you. These people think this is the Olympics. So seriously, try to behave please when you're out there. Come on, act like you're a goddamn Olympian. Put your head out of your ass. You're competing for the gold or a medal that everyone gets. There was also machinery, manufacturing, quote, new, new household methods. It's a great. What's also a fair? It's a fair slash Olympics. It's a and then there's women's progress since the world's fair at Chicago.

Which is probably a great great exhibition. They're wearing dresses still with wonder what there was zero progress for women. I'm wondering what was the amount of progress they were allowed to like well it was not probably an empty room where they just assumed nobody would go like someone tried to go and they're like sir you put why are you pushing that door buddy women's progress now that you know there's some about electricity in nineteen oh six down to hit that up to go down there to watch some of the world's best teenagers compete. I would like if they went in there was just a woman churning butter. It's the same. Help. Shut the door. Get the goddamn gun. Shut the door. Anyway, don't

go in there and tell everyone else to not go in there. Photographers came with their bulky cameras. One of those photographers was Jesse Tarbox Beals from Buffalo. She was the nation's first female news photographer. When she left Buffalo newspapers reported that quote Buffalo lost one of its best professional women today. But when she applied for an official pat press pass at the fair she was denied. Fair officials didn't think she could do what men did hauling a camera all over the grounds. Jesse contacted the local papers hoping to get hired as a staff photographer. Nope. They all turned her down. So she went back to the fair officials with more ammo in the form of all of her past work and totally wore them

down. I hope on her way she passed the women's progress exhibit stopped it was just like mother. You could live in here I guess now that's not what I want. Also I love the Buffalo was like well she's not coming back. She's going to report something like she's not coming back. We've been here before. Good Lord. Lost another one. They don't come back. No St. Louis will be amazing compared to Buffalo. That's the self esteem of Buffalo. Once she gets to St. Louis and sees that there's fun in the world. The bright lights of St. Louis look out. She ain't coming back. Kiss her goodbye now while you got a chance. She gets the hustle and bustle of that St. Louis life on earth. Just the energy and the life of

St. Louis. She won't sleep. St. Louis is the town that barely naps. Have fun being awake for seven months. She's going to the seven month Olympics. Carrying that bulky camera. She took all her life's work. The next day after she was hired a headline in the local St. Louis newspaper read quote woman gets permit to take pictures at the fair. What honey get in here. Have you seen today's paper. Get the kids and my gun. We're moving to Buffalo. I hear they're kicking their female photographers out of town. Jesus Christ. The god damn apocalypse. Anyway, she went on to take pretty much the best photos of the fair. Surprise. She photographed exhibits like the world's largest organ. The world's largest cedar bucket. Wait, wait,

when you say the world's largest or actual organ, not the one you think. It wasn't like a liver liver or that was in somebody. You know what I like when you say that she like took the best pictures. You know that if they were making a movie about her, they would include the character who existed in real life of the man who would look at me. See what's special about these photographs regular pictures like compared to the other like blurry and shitty like because she's in focus. What does that even mean to you, Jason? Who cares? Squid your eyes, you lazy piece. I'm not trying to look at the athlete. That's a high school kid. I want to see the horizon. I know they're in focus, but she's a woman. How could I possibly

love this photograph more than this other photograph? I mean, good Lord defines me as a person. I tricked you. Those were both her photographs. God damn it, Jason. Fine. You're the worst assistant. Write an article about it. Fizzled out quick. She also figured out the world's largest cedar bucket. Never mind. No, I'm off her team now. By the way, that's in Tennessee today. If you want to, how big is it? It's six feet. That's a big ass bucket. I was going to get super useful metal bucket. Yeah, bucket. What a metal. What are we going to deal with it? What? Put the organ in it. Throw that liver in there. Drown the woman. No, no, no, no, no, no more spitballing. There'll be no more spitballing. Took a dark turn early.

No more brainstorming. They're also crazy new food items like cotton candy, peanut butter, Dr Pepper, puffed wheat cereal and waffle cones. Okay, so not a bad festival. Yeah, we still use those things today. Yes. There was beautiful Jim Key, a famous performing horse. Oh, you don't need to tell us who that horse is. Jim Key. Jim Key. Oh, what a pony. Is it J. I. M. Space K. E. Y. Or is it J. I. M. Like K. I. Or it's actually Jim Key. Jim Key. Like the name of a person. Yes. Yeah, it's right. Well, hold on. The man name. Beautiful Jim Key. So his first name is beautiful. Middle name, Jim, last name key. All right. Not a lot of people have that name. No, there's a boxer out there named beautiful Jim Key at the time. His owner said

he could read and write. I'm sorry. Let's let's just pump the brakes for a second right there. That seems like a good spot to jump in. So there. So this is not only a beautiful horse with a man name. Yes. But it's also literate. Very little. Yes. And the owner, the owner claims. I actually just wrote the resale value. Oh, he can also read and write and babysit children. Yes. And it can fly. And it just wrote an article about a woman photographer. And what else can it do? Well, it's a field goal kicker. It can make change. It could also make change. Just just see the newspaper. Giant headline. Horse can read and write. Honey, come in here. There's a female photographer at this festival. Jesus Christ. The world is insane. Oh my God. Look at what's

real anymore. There's a horse that can read and write. Shut up, Rebecca. I'm sorry. Shouldn't have. You're right. I'll be in the churning wing. Of course the horse can read and write. It's the woman and the snapping of the photo. I can't believe a woman can manipulate a camera button. Of course a horse can read and write and make change. He's a horse. It's beautiful Jim Key. He owes me $50. If this photographer woman ever rides this literate horse, time travel will happen. Fly through a stargate into the sky. Beautiful Jim Key could also do arithmetic for numbers below 30. How? How is that even possible? How is it not possible? As well as site Bible passages quote where a horse is mentioned. Of course. He's like, I'm only doing the ones

about horse. They just really interest me. Anyway, here's your change. But I mean the horse, someone forced the horse passages on him. He didn't decide that. It was like the horse read the whole Bible. I only want to remember the ones with horses in it. What kind of maybe he was trying to make a point. Was this a fair or a circus? What was this? Well, what was the difference back then? I know you're learning now that I think about it. I don't know the difference. All right, so that's just your normal fair crap, right? Yeah, and then because it was 1904, things got weird. Things then one of the main attractions was the Philippine village. Oh, boy, there. A lot of assumptions where this is going. Just like just like the state fair in

Sacramento and immediately the theater exploded with white guilt. Here's where we go on read it. There visitors could gaze upon actual Filipinos living in their native habitat. In what but wait, yep. Now, now were they did they want to live in their habitat or were they like polar bears in the zoo? They're like, please free us. And they're like, look, they're adorable. I love your accent. I think, I think we all know the answer to that question. Pretty certain none of them were like, I'll do it. You're on display like an animal. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. They were from the agarot tribe who were dog eaters. So people would walk around watching Filipinos eating dogs. Everybody good? Were there any athletes competing? We'll get there. There were other villages to

pick me from Central Africa, Syrians, the Turks, tons of people from all over the world, as well as American Indians like the Apache. Great Native American warrior Geronimo was on display, living his dream. All of these people were called savages. Good, good, good, good. And these savages would do what? No, no, no, no. This is all they would all the savages would do at the exhibition would just live their lives like they would in their homeland each day while people stared at them. It's just a good fair. It's just fun. It's just a fun fair. The goal of the fair was to show how amazingly advanced the people of America were. And white people in general compared to the rest of the non-white world. This was all marketed by the fairs and this is the actual name,

Department of Exploitation. So they knew. So they weren't like hiding it. They were like, look, we get it. It's fucked up. Department of Exploitation. Hi, Jim Key, Department of Exploitation. My god, you're a talking horse. Let me do the talking, sir. How old are you? If it's under 30? Otherwise, this conversation is gonna have to stop. My head won't. You see, I am a horse. Can I... Can I... Can I... Can I... Can I... Can I... Can I... I know I rode a horse and... Why'd you say my change? Right. Sorry, the change, absolutely the change. Right. Sorry, there you go. So it was the Department of Exploitation's job to promote all these wonderful exhibitions.

Promote? That's the term the Department of Exploitation used. James Sullivan was made head of the Fair's Department of Physical Culture. His department was to show how great the American style of athleticism was. And that's what he believed. Sullivan thought white Anglo-Americans were superior in brains and brawn, and he was going to use the Fair in Olympics to prove it. Actually this was the racial superiority World's Fair slash Olympic slash anniversary

of buying Louisiana. Oh, right. Louisiana's purchase. Right. Don't forget about that. Right. I forgot that that was thrown in. First, he went to the head of the Fair's Department of Anthropology.

This is a fucking weird thing. There's a lot of departments. It's almost like a university with all the departments. And he suggested they combine their efforts, and he wanted to call it the Special Olympics. The idea was to have the savages try to do the same athletic feats as very trained, very skilled white athletes. What? Basically it was...

He don't know discus. Basically it was like... Look at his little brain. America's the best! It was like walking into an auto shop and pulling out a mechanic and making him swim like Michael Phelps. The head of the Department of Anthropology agreed to combine their efforts because it would give him data and help make a name for him in the new field of anthropology.

So it's a win for everybody. Well, sounds like it. It's a win for everybody. Well, everyone's getting their time in the sun. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as it sounded. The so-called savages in their exhibits were actually paid to showmen. They had agents and show producers who represented them. Not right now.

I'm on break. I'm on an equity five. I'm not in character right now. Don't look at me with the headdress off. Turn your kid away. I'm having a smoke break, asshole. Also, most of them didn't want anything to do with Sullivan's fucked up competition idea.

Many of them thought the idea of the Olympics was ridiculous. Others just wanted to be paid, like a new of Japan who climbed trees in their exhibition. Sullivan wanted them to climb trees in the Olympics in the Olympic tree climbing competition. What the fuck? What? No. All right, look. Anything can be a sport.

We're going to go around the room, raise your hand, and tell us what you think should be a sport. Climbing trees, of course. Climbing trees. Yes. That was already on the board. Yes. If it's on the board, don't repeat it.

Digging. We need 100 new sports, guys. We have a lot of space to do. Digging. I didn't go seek. Yes. A tag would be a good one. Yes, of course.

Opening can. Of course. That's great. Get that high on the board. That's going to be in the opening ceremonies. Can opening. Which is a month and a half. Yeah.

Why would the anew of Japan climb trees for free in a competition when they got paid to do it in their exhibition? So they was running into some problems, and some events were quickly a no-go, like the water polo event. Everyone thought it sounded stupid. I don't disagree there. But the planning went on. The planning went on, and while it did, the fair went about its business.

On June 5th, there was a bullfight schedule to take place in an arena. The arena had been built. I'm sure you bring it up because it was great. It's going to be good. The arena had been built specifically for the bullfight by promoter Richard Norris. He called it the Norris amusement company arena. It seated 16,000. Norris signed 36 bullfighters to contracts, but there was a bigger problem.

Bullfighting was illegal in the United States and Missouri. Under pressure from religious and animal rights groups, the governor ordered anyone involved in bullfighting arrested, but Norris had already sold 8,000 tickets for a dollar each. What the fuck is he going to do? So the event went on as planned. Yep. Smart. First, there was a horse show.

Next came a lacrosse. Was Jim Key in the horse show? I don't know. He's above that, Gareth. He wasn't. He's not. He's doing a horse show. Jim Key's doing one nighters.

No. He was working in the box office. It's good to know that... Get out of here. It's good to know that at that time, our country was very protective of bulls, but very adamant that the savages have their own display. The Department of Exploitation didn't want to bull herds. Just humans.

With the lacrosse demonstration, the crowd started getting irritated. Lacrosse demonstration. That's right, guys. Lacrosse is fun. Lacrosse is neat. I had a whole song and dance. I'm going to catch it. Look at that net.

Yeah. Throw to the goal. They don't count. We're not keeping score. What an exhibit. Where are the bulls? Yeah. All right, guys.

We know you all want the bulls. There's just 20 more minutes of lacrosse. We're lacrosse. We're better than water polo that you all voted out of this festival. So the crowd got irritated and started booing. They had come to see a man. They had kind of seen a man kill something and they wanted it now. So the announcer announced a bullfighter, Don Emanuel Cervera.

Then a deputy stepped out and told the announcer there would be no bullfighting. The cops took Norris and other organizers into the arena office to discuss the situation. The arena office. I don't know. Come with us. Super tiny closet size. Have the lacrosse guys milk a little more time. We'll be back in a minute.

Stretch. Stretch, guys. The spectators all demanded refunds. Instead of getting refunds, they were told to leave. That didn't go over well. They started throwing rocks through the windows of an arena office. Police tried to stop the growing riot, but there were too many rock throwers and not enough policemen.

Someone tried to storm the office, but the cops held them back at gunpoint. The mob then went into the arena and released three bulls. Sports. I would honestly watch the Olympics if it was like this. I would go to this. I would go. I would go for sure. For sure.

Well, it gets weird. A lacrosse demonstration. Of course I'm there. But the bulls were so emaciated, they didn't really do anything. They just stood there. Now the crowd thought the whole thing was a scam. So they set the. They're just horses.

So they set the hay in the bullpen on fire. The entire grandstand was built out of pine and tar paper. Dave, are those flammable items? Hey, wait, still getting gas first. Yeah. So it went up pretty fast. The arena burned completely to the ground. Oh my God.

Two days later, bullfighter Savera and another bullfighter named Carlton Bass got into a fight over the lack of pay and Bass killed Savera. So at least something died. Right? Yeah. It's a bullfight. So. And now we're on to June.

Just four more months. Actually July. What could go worse? The first of two gymnastic events took place. Young George Eiser took part. He was a product of German based gymnastic clubs. We're very popular in Germany and moved to the States in the late 1800s. Now George had one normal leg and the other was amputated below the knee.

What happened? So George had one normal leg and the other was amputated below the knee and there he had a wooden prosthetic and he was a gymnast. Yep. It's weird. It's interesting. More shocked by that than the horse with the horse that can fly. Now I've heard everything.

I've heard everything. I've heard everything. I've heard everything. I've heard everything. So now I've heard everything. So he was part of a gymnastics club in St. Louis and so he got involved in the games. The first event called the international turners championship in July.

He didn't do so well. He came in 10th in the all around and 71st in a second all around. Surprisingly he finished last in the triathlon. Apparently it's hard to sprint and do a long jump with one leg. It's awkward. I would love. I mean I know they have the Olympics with people with prosthetics but it's like a fucking clunky wooden leg.

Yeah. Like that's an Olympics. Yeah. Just people running around like trying to do stuff and they can't. It's tremendous. I wonder. Okay. I know it's a weird.

It's a weird dream. I want you to get that. The special Olympics or as they be called Anthropology days. What were held on August 12th and 13th. Sullivan. Sullivan invited scientists from all over the world to witness the event. A local paper described it the unique spectacle of men deliberately throwing stones at one another.

Wait. So were those guys riding just athletes. So much more. Training interested in that than the gymnastics. That's kind of where I'm at. All right. I just bronzed in a rock fight. So things are pretty good over here.

Got a pretty bad gash there. It's not good. No. But you should see the other guys. If I could see. I can't. My vision is very blurry. The unique spectacle of men deliberately throwing stones at one another will be one

of the features at the athletic meet to be held at the stadium Thursday and Friday in which all of the savage tribe now at the World's Fair will compete. Scientists or flow. Scientists. Do they even read the invitation? We'll go anywhere. We're scientists. Get those clipboards.

It's an event where people throw rocks at each other. All right. Yes. That's very scientific. What kind of rocks are they? I would love to go to that. Courts. That's what interests me.

A man of science. The first day was the shot put the high jump the long jump the mile and other events. One was throwing a baseball. To where to what like to what just throwing it is the kind of furthest kind of Olympics ten year olds put together in their backyard. What if you've never thrown a baseball and they're like go throw that you're like like you don't know what to do. You have to be taught how to throw a baseball.

That's all just throw. Yeah. All right guys. I think put stuff like that back in. I agree. Yeah. I agree too. Absolutely.

You turn the Olympics and everyone's seeing who can throw a baseball the farthest. I'm like yes. This is more my speed. That dude threw it really fucking far. Oh God. He's got to win the golden baseball throwing. The lock. Now here's the catch.

They did not take any time to teach the participants what to do. They were given instruction immediately before the event without an interpreter. So they weren't given instruction. Well they were but just in a different language than they knew. Okay. You guys understand. All right. Go out there and throw baseballs and then rocks at each other.

Thanks for doing this guys. They were also not allowed to practice at all. Not once. It's cheating. They had no idea what the high jump was and so it basically was not an event. They were limboing. They're just treating it like a limbo contest. Fucking.

Who told them? The hundred yard dash was anything but since they all spoke different languages it was total chaos just getting them lined up. Then when the starting gun went off most had no idea what in the fuck it was. Run. Anyway. And we're just terrified. Some just froze.

Others not realizing it was a race just slowly ambled down the track. Come on guys. That's what you needed the rabbit. You needed the little rabbit that goes around the track. Get that fucking thing. Go get him. The ones who did run didn't know what to do when they got to the finish line. Most of them would just stop at the tape instead of running through it.

Well yeah. They probably didn't want to rip it. That makes perfect sense. Yes. It does make perfect sense. Totally. Essentially it was just the competition was to see who could go through the ribbon. Yeah.

Who was brave enough to go through a ribbon. And the scientists are just like hmm interesting. And this I actually can't wait to take this data back to my home country and compute it in some way. In four months. What? No return flight. That's interesting.

The majority of participants would realize what the event was after it was over. And then when asked to have another go but they were denied because quote it violated the research design and invalidated the racial comparisons to white athletes. Agreed. That's very true. Sure. Well that makes perfect sense. Once they know how to do it.

No you guys I get it now. I know what it is. Can we do it again? Shut up. You lost. But the white guys are doing great. They're great aren't they? Look at them celebrating.

Those are some of the best teenagers this country has to offer. God damn woman taking pictures. Is she still here? She's over there. Don't even look at her. Christ. It's so crisp and clear. She's so serious.

I didn't even know what rack focus was until I. Nor should you. God grabbed coffee with her. She belongs in that butter churning room. They were all listed in the, all the participants were listed in the official games report based on what country they were from and with their names. Though a Congolese pygmy who had sharpened teeth was described in the report only as cannibal.

But the event went great according to the press. Great fun for savages read the headline in the LA Times. I just, it would be great to live in a time where your headlines were this insane. I mean, I know our headlines are insane, but that is like to pick up a paper and be like, oh, look, savages at fun at the Olympics the other day. I just love picturing like them going back to their home country and be like, where did you go? And they're like, you won't, you won't even believe what I'm about to tell you.

Talk. How was St. Louis? I was there for seven months. I wasn't competing in competition. I didn't even know what was going on. I just had to throw rocks against the bunch of other non-white people. I was walking down a road and it was a race. They shot at me and then got pissed when I didn't go through a ribbon.

Never go to America. Never. I will say this. Buffalo is gorgeous this time of year. There was a woman with a camera. What? Day two is supposed to be better. Sullivan considered these events to be more savage friendly.

Sure. There was the tree climbing contest, archery, fighting demonstrations, a Mohawk versus Seneca lacrosse match, and mud throwing. Oh my God. How do you even... Did I mention mud throwing? Yeah, how... Are there judges?

What is happening? I got the golden mud throwing. What happened? It's the final thing on the list. Guys, we need one more fucking... I got to go home. My wife's all over me. We're not leaving until we have a final event.

What do we got? What do we have that we can use? We got baseball throw. We got tree climb. We got count fast. We got... Hey. We got look...

Hey. We got see the farthest... Hey, look at me. By the way... Look at me, guys. Poor mud. Jesus Christ. I want to get back to the person who can see the farthest.

I see a lot of holes. And I know we're rushing to get out of here, but that one to me, I'm worried about. I hope my miming to smoke a cigarette translates well into the podcast. Oh, it will. Blow into the mic harder. People can tell. People can tell.

Why does it keep breathing weird into the mic? Guys, rewind and imagine me smoking a cigarette during that. A little act out. We call stage work. Okay, they also had a javelin contest because they figured it was exactly like a spear, and every savage would know how to throw a spear, right? They're not to just throw it far, right? Well, but...

Well, now we know where that came from. But it's not like everybody throws a spear who's not white. No, I agree. But still, like, if the whole thing is you're like, give the savages spears to compete, you might think they would use them as weapons. Perhaps. Wait, are you saying that they might turn on the audience?

I don't know what I'm saying. Thank you. Thank you. The massacre. Thank you. And now the St. Louis massacre. But the fortunate thing was anthropology days were put together so late that the Department of Exploitation didn't have time to properly promote it,

and the result was that not many spectators were there to watch this. We're not going to be able to exploit them enough. Guys, we got deadlines. Holy shit. I got to know a little longer than a week out. Please, for me to do my thing properly. The great thing was... Sorry, sorry, everybody. Sorry that I am sorry for that one.

No meat in that one. The great thing was is that each winner of each contest, well, they didn't receive a medal like a regular Olympics. Of course. They got something better. I bet they didn't. A T-shirt. The memories.

An American flag. Oh, perfect. Perfect. Take that back to your little mud hut. That ought to wipe the terrible taste out of their mouths after this. God bless you guys. James Sullivan saw the event as a success. He said it proved enlightened Americans were the best athletes in the world

that the natives were completely inferior. He proved savages couldn't play proper games or participate in proper events like the white man. My God, you should have seen them try to play tennis. They had no idea. They couldn't get the counting right. They would put the balls in the pot. They were running through the net.

You should have been there. You should have seen it. We didn't explain anything to them. And these simple-minded idiots had no idea how to play and score tennis. It's like it's not natural to them to understand tennis like it is the white man who just instinctively knows what to do on a court. They are foolish. Here's a racket.

You'll know what to do and what those lines mean, unless you're stupid. He double-faulted again. Jesus, he doesn't even know how to serve. He keeps double-faulting. It's called backhand for a reason. A little tups. No, no, the alleys are out, stupid.

He doesn't even know you can volley. Don't keep playing. Once you serve, maybe rush the net, play some defense. Oh, my God, he caught it. He caught the ball. He caught the ball. We are so much better. We're the best.

Play defense. Oh, I hope we never introduce soccer. Sullivan said, quote, the whole meeting proves that the Savage has been a very much overrated man from an athletic point of view. But who is, like, who's going around saying that? The department knows who's the most athletic. He believed he had debunked the mythical existence of the Noble Savage. And in his final report, yes, he wrote a report.

Good. Said, lecturers and authors will in the future please omit all reference to the natural athletic ability of savages. Point made. So all authors, he said that? Everybody. This is it. We've done it.

Seven months. We're not done. Talk about holding a grudge. We're just getting started. What happened as a kid that he was like, you know what? One day I'll show them. I'll put on a seven month long fair and I'll show you that white people are the best. What did you say over there?

Nothing. I was just saying this coffee is phenomenal. Where's this from? I thought I heard something about savages and white people. No. Why would I even say that? I want to make sure. Say, do you know any sports that people haven't heard of?

Well, me and my friends used to always throw mud at each other. That's what's not reported. He had the weirdest, creepiest laugh. It was so distracting for the scientists. They're trying to write stuff down. Nobody make a joke. Nobody make a joke. Is that how he laughs?

Yeah. That's his real laugh. Just ignore it. Ignore it. Try to ignore it. Push it out of your head. The founder of the Olympic Games, Dibortin, didn't go but was furious when he heard about the anthropology days.

He believed that it was outrageous. What's happening? You guys all right? Right. I can't stop picturing him laughing. He's picturing himself laughing as the guy more and more. Oh, he's still there. It's a distraction every time he introduces anything.

God, what he just said is so race. Do you hear him laugh? Oh, God. Just let him do whatever. Let him do anything. Just don't make him laugh. Oh, I'm shaking. Okay.

So now it's time for the actual Olympic Games. What? The sort of the official sort of traditional period of Olympic Games, which were held from August 29th to September 3rd. Good Lord. Now, how could they fit it all in? Now only 12 countries. So the whole.

So they're calling everything the Olympic Games, but now they're doing the Olympic Olympic Games. Over four days? Five days? Well, they don't have a lot of time. So they just spent. What? That is insane.

What are you talking about? They just spent months and months in the Olympics, making people climb trees and throw rocks. Right. And now they know what an actual Olympics is and they're doing it. Olympics within the Olympics. No, but someone else is running the Olympics now. They're like real Olympics is going to be. Double Olympics.

But this James dude isn't involved. Yes, he is. Yeah. This is his Olympics. Fucking Christ, this story. Yeah. No, he's totally involved. Oh boy, he's.

Yes, I am. Oh God, he's really having fun now, which is when he gets started, he doesn't stop is the problem. So now for these Olympic Games, only 12 countries had shown up. Because St. Louis is St. Louis. So of the 630 athletes, 523 were Americans. I like our chances. That's right.

Looks good to me. Over 50% of events were between Americans. Well, I like our chances, including the tug of war contest. Shut up. Oh yeah. We should have put that on the list. We won that. So it's more of a field day than it is.

It's like a company picnic. It's more of a retreat. It's more of a retreat. It's like a trust retreat. Out of the competing at the ropes course later. Out of the balance beam, potato sack race, the three legged race, the water balloon for apples, egg on a spoon, passing oranges between our necks. It's just the whole three legged race.

Three legged race. Yeah. What did I say? I don't know. Out of almost 100 sports of the sports, archery was the only event in which women were allowed to compete. There were six women, five from Ohio. Interesting.

And one of those women, one gold, if you can believe it. Really? So they had one female exhibition sport, boxing. Interesting. So women couldn't participate in any sports unless they were shooting arrows or punching each other in the face. Shame we changed that. Makes sense.

It was also not the best run Olympics. This one wasn't? Yep. Are we talking about the same Olympics? The seven month one? Yep. It wasn't the best run? It was not.

Huh. What was the horse's name or ram it? Hi. I'm Jim Key. That's Jim. You're beautiful. That's my best horse. That's your person.

His horse laughing. It sounds a lot like Jim Sullivan. It's Jim. It's almost like Jim Sullivan's laughing through as a horse. At this Olympics, we're going to be having a tug of war. Let's do it with the fucking horses. Enjoy. With the goddamn horses.

Johannes Rung of Germany finished fifth in the 800 meters. He was a favorite to win, but he got really tired in the later part of the race. The reason he got really tired was because the day before he had accidentally lined up and run in the wrong race. So anybody could just read the 880 race, which he also didn't win because he was an 800 runner. He was tired because the day before he ran the 440 race. This is the right one. He was the right one.

Right. This is the one. Yes. He ran swimming. Then swimming venues are held in open waters like rivers and lakes. The men's 50 yard freestyle race was held in a manmade Lake. Zoltan Hall, Maj of Hungary was maybe the premier swimmer of the time. He won the race, clearly defeating American J Scott leery by a foot, but a U. S. Judge

declared the American the winner. There we go. This led to a massive brawl between the hungry and American swimming teams. the fight was broken up. They agreed to race again. That's a homage one by a stroke. There was also an event called fancy diving. Let's see where this goes. Just where it sounds quasi normal. You just put on your Sunday's best and you're diving. You're just like I love caviar. That's your best tuxedo. What are

you doing? I'm diving this afternoon. All right. This event was popular in Germany and Sweden at the time. One would try to do elaborate gymnastic feats in the air before hitting the water. An American won the bronze medal, but the Germans protested. They claim the German dives had been quote no fancy. No, we had the fancier dives. If you god damn you judges, we were diving very fancy the whole time. That was the fanciest I've ever dove. You can give him the bronze, but in my heart I have the gold because I know how fancy we both dived earlier. Not one other diver was able to hit the water

and maintain the top part above their head. Oh, and look at this. I still have my monocle in place. Thank you. Oh, interesting. Interesting how I wasn't a gaggle. The Americans said they had better entries into the water, which the Germans didn't seem to care about. The Germans made difficult, fancy dives, but then flopped into the water on their stomachs. I look if you're looking for dives and finish, maybe we're just not as a team. Yeah, I stand corrected. I maybe was not the fanciest of divers. And till we hit the

water though, fanciest by far. So fancy. While the Americans performed less difficult but more graceful dives, it was suggested they have a dive off for third place, but German Alfred Bonschweiger refused to participate. I will not participate. Horse manure. Sorry, Jim. What's after 30? Children. Marriage and children. Thank you. Thank you so much. For everyone listening at home, I got a standing ovation. If you stand when people clap, I don't think that counts. Right. Technically, it is a standing ovation to some degree.

To some degree, that is what happens. Sematics, but all right. In the boxing event, a fighter named Carol Burton entered as a lightweight and won his first match. Burton was a very popular boxer in the area, but it was soon discovered he was not Burton at all. He was a man named James Bollinger, who assumed Burton's identity. What's right? This is a goddamn mini series. So many avenues of storytelling going on here. He did this because Burton was popular and he wanted to gain favor with the judges. So Bollinger was disqualified. His next opponent, Peter Stirholt, got a buy to the semis. Then Peter Stirholt was beaten by Jack Egan. Egan ended up with a silver and Peter Stirholt got

nothing for finishing fourth. But a year later, they found out Egan's name was not actually Jack Egan. He was Frank Floyd, another imposter. So Egan was stripped of the medal and a guy named Van Horn moved up to silver and Peter Stirholt won the bronze, even though he never won a fight. No one ever talks about the imposter era of boxing. Olympic boxing. That'd be great just to win a bra. I didn't do anything. Yeah, you came in third. So I got beat once. Congratulations. Yeah, good. Good for you. Well done. What's that? Yeah. No, I'm Mike Tyson. How are you? Yes, I will fight. Yes, I am. I am. You're white. White. Yep. I am Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson. I'm a Vander Holyfield. We're going to give the people what

they've wanted for a long time. I love that this original boxer was so popular that people watched it and they're like, I guess that's him. He looks completely different. He can hit. Was he always Italian? He did a lot of work in the off season. He's good on his face. He's been completely changed his face doing Italianing. Sorry. Now, the Olympics big event was the marathon. This was the event that harken back to the days of Greece that tied the ancient days to modern times. I bet it's going to be a fitting tribute. It's going to be fucking great. Some of the runners were legitimate marathoners who had previous success and other marathons, but most of the participants were middle distance runners or just weirdos. The favorites were American Sam Meller,

A.L. Newton, John Lordin, Michael Spring and Thomas Hicks. These guys were all experienced at marathons. There was also Fred Lors who trained at night because he was a bricklayer during the day. He had landed a place in the marathon by winning a five mile race. Well, that shot it. That'll try and make sense. It makes sense. Some bricklayer fans in here. Now, those were the legitimate runners. The contestants also included 10 Greeks who had never run a marathon. Good. There was an ex mailman Cuban named Felix Carbohal. He had raised money to come to the U.S. by running the length of Cuba, but when he got to New Orleans, he gambled on dice and lost all his money. It's quite a siren that town. Then he had to hitchhike to St. Louis.

There were two men... Where the guy drove, driving him didn't believe anything he'd said. Sure about it, sure. I'm not a runner in a marathon. I run the length of Cuba. Yeah, of course you did. Good for you. To the Olympics we go, friend. There were two men of the Tswana tribe of South Africa who were there as part of the Boer War exhibition. The war ended in 1902. Sorry, the what war? Boer war? Okay. What happened? I know. I got it. Thank you. Thank you. The war ended in 1902, and when it was over, the British burned all the crops so everyone living there was fucked. They would take any job they could get. And the Boer War exhibition at the fair, which took place just two years

after the actual war ended, was paying four pounds a week. The exhibition was created by a captain who had fought for the Rhodesians in the war. Men, women, and children signed up. At the fair, they recreated two famous battles of the war. The battle reenactments took two to three hours and included several actual generals and 600 veteran soldiers from both sides of the war. Oh my God. That's a really long event. Yeah. Bring out La Crosse. Somebody kill him. We are La Crosse. We love La Crosse. Net on a stick and a tiny bow. Look at that. I'm catching it, you guys. Let's see who can throw it the farthest. Super short shorts, mega tight t-shirt. Come on, guys. Clap your hands with us. La Crosse. It's really fun. The goalie stick is different.

Fuck. The two men entered the marathon from South Africa had served as messengers in the Boer War. They had also just participated in the one mile event at anthropology days. In the actual war, they used to run great distances with messages, so they were considered to be capable of winning the marathon. They just needed a message to be in their hand. Right. That's all. Yep. The marathon was 24.85 miles longer, 40 kilometers. It was Tuesday, August 30th. The temperature was 32 Celsius, 90 Fahrenheit, and it was to be run on a dusty, unpaved road. Perfect. The dust was said to be inches thick. Oh, good. There were seven hills, and in one area, crack stone was all over the road, which made it dangerous to run or walk on. The runners lined

up at the starting line. The Cuban was wearing a white long sleeve shirt, long dark dress pants, a beret, and a pair of street shoes. Was he coming from fancy diving? Someone grabbed a pair of scissors and cut his pants at the knees so he would be able to run easier. What is anyone doing? Okay. Great. The two South Africans were barefoot. The starting pistol was fired at 3.30 p.m. The dust. So nobody talks to anybody before an event. Doesn't seem like it. Literally nothing happens if you're there, great. If you're not, whatever. Just get on the line. Just get on the line. The dust was immediately a problem, mostly because all of the traffic. Right. This is on a dirt road and it was a busy dirt road. So while they were

running, they had to watch out for crosstown traffic, delivery trucks, trains. I don't want if it wasn't for that truck till a functioning road. Well, you don't need to shut it down. No, why would you shut it down? Of course not. This was years after most of our laws were created. Yes. A fair amount of time. Yeah. Yeah. Things had been established. Life had started. Cars with runners, coaches and their doctors would drive alongside the runners, kicking up tons of dust. Was hitchhiking legal? Could you just get it? Could you Marty McFly? The runners stopped frequently to cough. Lors pulled ahead quickly and then Thomas Hicks took the lead from him. It didn't take long for

the first runner to go down. William Garcia collapsed on the side of the road. He was rushed to the hospital where it was discovered he was hemorrhaging from inhaling the dust. This thing should have been held in a hospital. I so far support all of this. If any of us had to organize the Olympics, this is not far off from what we would do. The dust had coated his esophagus and ripped his stomach lining. Casualty of war continue. Yeah. I've changed my opinion on this entire lesson. If he had not been brought to the hospital within an hour, he would have died. Well, the next to go down was Josh. I love it. Someone in the front was just like, oh my god. She just heard about dust ripping his stomach open. Probably because none of us knew that could

even happen. I was like, God, I care more about smog now than ever before. Tell me, what's the cedar bucket doing? Still trying to track that sea story. It's become animated by this point. It was cedar bucket. It actually won the silver in gymnastics. Because nobody noticed it was a bucket. Look at it on the beam. My god, it's natural. It's just right up there, the balance. Balance, perfection, perfection, simple perfection. Next to go down was John Lorden, also overcome by dust. He started vomiting and decided he'd haven't had enough of this bullshit race. How far did he get 20, 30 feet? He didn't even get 10 miles. I love people getting less than 100 yards. Like, what the fuck are we doing? Yeah. Well, you're starting to be like, maybe

can we make it nine miles? I mean, how can we just do that? Nobody'll notice, right? Let me jump in the truck with you. All right, great. We'll put the ribbon. Okay, great. You're going to enjoy this story. It was just around this time that one of the South African runners, Len Tao, was chased off the course by a pack of wild dogs. What the fuck? So how is this a road? What road is this? There's the weird thing is, if you go back 100 years, somehow they would run this better than going 100 years later. A wild pack of dogs. I love that all these back days are just like, well, there goes that one. Yeah. Hey, man, you know the deal when you get involved in a marathon.

To fuck with them. Get them a new sport just broke out. Oh, yeah. Wild dog runaway chase. Oh, no, some of them are going to eat those dogs. Don't run to Filipino village. Oh, dogs, come back. Heal, heal. You'll ruin the event. Oh, no. Even when there was, you could have solved that problem. Just move the Filipino town near the wild dogs. All right, guys, it's obviously who can get there the fastest. It's 24 miles. There's also a pack of wild dogs I can kill you. Here we go. Also, any houses you pass, they are legally allowed to shoot you as you run. Here we go. He ran a full mile off course before the dogs finally gave up. That's going to cost him. That's going to, you know what? That's gold right there. He

should have won. Yeah. Run through a dog attack. It's really any marathon. I'll tell you that's hard to overcome. Absolutely. Yes. Meanwhile, the Cuban ran along in his street shoes and dress shirt. He kept stopping and chatting with spectators in broken English. Loving it. Yeah. Didn't even notice the dog thing. At one point he was running and stopped next to a car because he saw the passengers were eating peaches. He asked if he could have one and they said no, so he did what anyone would do and just grab them and ran off. Wait. Wait. Sir. He's stealing peaches? Yeah. This is, this guy knows how to do a marathon. If you're going to run a dusty marathon, this is how you do wear a beret and the hawk peaches. Now, one of the reasons he

grabbed the peaches was he had not eaten for two days before starting the race. Well, he did lose all his money. But he had a belly full of dust now. He barely got there to even run in the ridiculous race. Remember, he camped all his money away. Yeah. But the peaches were just his first running with fruit. Later on, he came across an apple orchard and enjoyed himself some apples. They can only assume he ate them off the ground because they turned out to be rotten. This led to a horrible stomach cramps, which caused him to lay down and then he fell asleep. Also still in first place. I also like picturing that the truck of peaches had like thousands of peaches. Like they could have easily given him a hundred. No peaches for you, fancy runner.

So this guy is the, he misses dogs. He doesn't get dust gut, but he puts himself on IR by eating rotten apples. Yeah. And then not even really, it doesn't really damage him. He just gets tired and napped. Wait, his tummy hurts and he takes a sleeping. Should we wake him up and told him he won the gold? Let him sleep. The leader at this point was Sam Allure, but then he started having terrible cramps as well. This may have been because they weren't allowed to really drink anything. They can only get water at two stops, one at six miles and another at 12 miles. Jesus Christ. This was because James Sullivan thought that this marathon would be good time to study the effects of purposeful dehydration. Wait, he's here. I have some ideas

for tomorrow's race. James, we need to give them water for the last goddamn time. You would have been able to had I not tipped over all the buckets earlier this afternoon. God damn it. Even the cedar one. And I seem to have misplaced my wild pack of dogs. James, James, James, James, James. Stop laughing, James. It's not laughing. It's how I breathe. Oh God, that's awful news. I've never laughed. I've never found anything funny. Oh my God. I love that no one has told him to kind of stay away from the games at all. James, maybe stay at home. Well, they also had like a six month audition where I was like, well, he's terrible. Well, I can't wait to see what he does with the real Olympics. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's in his hands. Let's let him see it through.

I think he's got a lot of experience under his belt. So he minimizes the amount of fluid people can take in. The runners were not allowed to get water themselves at the two designated points. Of course not. Only someone who had nothing to do with the race could give it to them. Right. So even their coaches and doctors couldn't. Sure. So Samuel are started walking and then pretty quickly just stopped altogether and sat down. He was done. Imagine one of the runners just like taking a shortcut into town. Hi, would anyone be willing to come with me back to the main road and pour water into a cup and then handing it to me? Get out of here, psycho. How about these peaches? I'm so dehydrated. I'm competing in the Olympics. I'm about to win a gold medal if someone

could just give me a couple. What's a gold medal? Oh my God. I don't even know anymore. I'll be honest. Lars was also getting cramps. This was around mile nine. He was currently in fourth place. He gave up also and asked for a ride from a car passing by. He hopped on board and he waved to people along the route and his fellow's runners as he rode past. Meanwhile, Hicks was in the lead. That's a fuck you way. Yeah. Right. That's not. It's great to be you guys. It is. So Hicks is in the lead. He was actually one of the favorites to win the race, but at the 10 mile mark, he needed help too. He had a couple of guys there to give him support. He was begging them for water, but they wouldn't give many because they couldn't.

What a horrible rule. I don't know. It seems pretty cool. You're right. But what they could do under the rules was sponge the inside of his mouth with warm distilled water. You know, the rules are maybe getting a little too small. Are you thirsty? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Oh, God. Oh, to have actual water. Oh. I'm going to dip this. I'm going to dip this in my water and squeeze it and put it in your little mouth. All of the runners will be equipped with a sponge. James. James. James. James. They're allowed to dip it in distilled water. That's warm. Why don't we just set up areas where they can have water? Many? No, vinegar. They're allowed to have vinegar. James. No, James.

Yes. No. Stop. Laugh. Breathing. I'm not laughing. Well, what is it? Breathing. But a lot of times you don't do it. Fuck this. At the 17 mile mark, Hicks's crew gave him a cocktail of Striknein and white eggs or egg whites. Sorry, egg whites. That's not the part we take issue. Striknein and egg whites. Who wouldn't want egg whites when they were dehydrated with a mouthful of dust and 90 degree weather, whether it just and a little tiny bit of poison. Why is why? Striknein is a rat poison, but it also stimulates the nervous system. And so it was used as a stimulant at the time in very small doses. Heart's on fire. Something

or other. Remember Rocky? Just a little bit Striknein. When I got to the second word of that song, I realized I made a horrible calculation. At this time, there were no rules about drug use in the Olympics. So why would there be now? It's probably promoted. Yeah. Lore's car that he was riding in broke down at the 20 mile, 21 mile mark and his cramps is stopped. So he just got out of the car and started running again. Fine. Couldn't be happier with that decision. This is the guy you wrote for. He quickly ran past Hicks who was leading loser. One of Lore's one of Lore's support crew told him to get off the course, but he passed on that advice and kept running. He was the first one into the stadium and he crossed the finish line in

just a hair under three hours. The crowd went wild. They started chanting an American one. Yeah. The daughter of President Teddy Roosevelt was there and she was about to put a wreath on his head when an angry Olympic officials realized what was going on. Lore's had never said he'd won the race and had been acting like it was a joke the whole time. Now the crowd started booing. Lors. Lors copped to it and said it was all a joke. He wasn't actually going to accept. I'm a comedian. Come on and and people weren't actually amused and the officials disqualified him now back in the actual race. Hicks was still in the lead when Lors had passed him. His crew told him to keep going because Lors was definitely going to be disqualified.

Hicks was ashen and limping from the poison he took. So they don't even know the right amount of poison to give him. Well you can at this point when he's I think any poison is not good. Well that's what I'm saying. Some poison is good. A little bit actually there. But when you're dehydrated it's probably not great. No I listen I've been anti strict nine the whole story. You don't need to tell me. But you didn't hear mixed with egg whites. Come on. It's fun. It is fun. It's like a little spinach. What's in this egg whites and strict nine. Give it to me. Yeah. I want to run. Word had reached in that Lors had won so he was slowly just chugging along sad. But then someone told him that Lors had been

disqualified and he started moving again pushing his legs to run. His support gave him more egg whites and strict nine poison and more. This man needs more poison and this time brandy. Oh get him drunk. Get him protein up drunk and poisoned. They soaked him in water and that appeared to do the trick. He looked alert again and his pace quickened. They soaked him in water. Yeah they just dumped water over him. That sounds illegal. It's good to know that drugs have always been a part of the Olympic games. A race official later wrote over the last two miles of the road Hicks was running mechanically like a well oiled piece of machinery. His eyes were dull. Lusterless. The ashen color of his face and skin had deepened. His arms appeared

as weights well tied down. He could scarcely lift his legs while his knees were stiff. Then he started hallucinating. I just forgetting it's the Olympics. What do you even hallucinate at that point? You hallucinate a regular marathon. You're like imagine a regular course. Water's everywhere. I just had an idea of rubber soles on my feet would make it so much easier. Well he thought he had another 20 miles to run. So he started begging his support crew for food and then he wanted to lay down but they wouldn't let him knowing if he stopped it was over. They offered him tea but he passed

on it. They gave him more brandy. Yeah they were they were too small hills before the stadium. He walked up and then jogged down the other side by the time he got into this stadium. He could no longer run. He was barely shuffling along. His support crew picked him up and they held him like like like he was like a bench like they made a bench with their hands the finish line so his feet were dangling so it looked like he was running. Sorry they're just so desperate for someone to actually win. Yes but that's okay. What I like is that he made it all the way to the stadium and only then were they willing to do something that could possibly disqualify him. All these people would be dicks about it. Here make a bench with your hands.

Let's swing him into the finish line. Put your taint on my palm. Here we go. Connect palms. Anyway so it looked like he was running so he was declared the winner. Three hours 28 minutes and 53 seconds. This is the longest official finishing time in Olympic marathon history to this day. Well to be fair he was tripping his balls off. He lost eight pounds during the marathon. During the marathon. More egg whites were needed huh. He never ran another marathon. Why interesting. Had he taken one more dose of strict nine he would have died. Might have been the best thing for him. Of the 32 racers who entered 18 did not finish. The Cuban Felix Carbohal even with a coffee stand even with his nap and and street shoes finished

fourth. What almost. The guy who took a nap finished fourth almost meddled. Yeah the guy who was chased a mile by dogs. Oh come on finished ninth and his fellow countrymen finished 12. Wow I love that he didn't even get a look at the dogs didn't even throw. I'm gonna do it. It's kind of just like a moral thing. I really just want to do it for me. You know what I mean. Sullivan was pissed at Lors and gave him a lifetime ban by the amateur athletic union. A few months later after I went to calm down Lors got the ban rescinded on the grounds that he was temporarily insane and a known prankster. Well you see what we're dealing with here is a man who has a history of pranking people which tells me there's a precedent. It's not his first prank which makes

me think there's a history of pranking and that this prank while outlandish is very funny in prank or terminology. He just pulled the hell of a prank. He don't like to play by the rules. He's a prankster. He's very funny guy. The next year he won the Boston Marathon. With a car right? All right how about a happy ending? Remember George Icer the gymnast with one leg? Of course I do. I've been rooting for him the whole time. He performed in the second in his story a lot. He performed in the second gymnastics competition on October 29th. In one day he won six medals three of which were gold. Wow. One of those was for the horse vault

which at the time did not use a springboard. So just call the big buddy company and then he's up. He won that? Yep. No one attempted to compete in the Olympics with one artificial leg again until 2008. The world's fair slash Louisiana Purchase Celebration slash Olympics slash dog fight slash anyone who's different slash racism or slash horse miracle slash racism museum slash bull fight. It officially came to a close on December 1st 1904. It was a seven month relief when it was done. It's like you just got out of war. Oh thank god. I think St. Louis is still recovering from this event. It's still like god it's still we still have we think we think about it. I mean obviously 1904 was bad for us. It was not a good time. So the fair was considered

a huge success. 19 19 million people came to the fair. But to be fair that's over seven months. Still that's a lot of people. All right. That many people didn't even exist back then. Now Rory if I don't know numbers Rory are you sure about that? I don't know any history. This is the only history I'll ever retain. Yeah. Two years after two years after the Olympics in 1906 tears after the Olympics in 1906 the IOC reviewed the Germans protest of the fancy diving event. I love how they won't let it go. There's also like why was it even taken seriously to begin with ever the result was fanciest. We must solve this. The result was overturned. There's no video and third place was declared a tie. There's no way the Germans weren't fancier

when you put it like that. I mean how would you think of Germans. What's the first word that comes to your mind. Fancy diving. Fancy diving always. They're right now that I think that is their legacy that and that alone. I can't believe to this day the United States has not acknowledged the decision and we're still pricks about our fake fix right before the credits. That's the like thing that comes up to this day. The United States won't. Everyone's like what a dramatic story about these divers that I didn't care about at all. To this day the United States still won't acknowledge their success directed by the next Olympics were held in London in 1908 and they followed the 1904

pattern of Americans being assholes in the opening ceremony the US flag bearer refused to dip the flag for King Edward the 7th and of course there was a marathon strict nine was used again a runner from Italy entered the final lap of the marathon in the stadium but was such a mess he collapsed twice and then started running the wrong way well is it a cute do you have to go the same way the whole time I think that's a fair question for marathoners for novice marathoners weird what is a rule and what isn't a rule yeah 24.8 total I feel like wins it even if that's just in a circle at the beginning yeah yeah I'm gonna take not go ahead judges turned him around and pointed him in the right direction and because of that he was disqualified so an American one

Sullivan continued to be a very influential person in early Olympic movement even though IOC president Pierre Coubertin hated Sullivan he never really got in with the old boys of the IOC he didn't have their respect but he could push his agenda because of his power in the US during the 1908 games Sullivan got himself the position of secretary of the US Olympic Committee he felt it would be great back home to be seen helping Americans as much as possible so he lodged endless protests at all the events averaging a few per day while the sensational press loved it actual journalists thought he was a total asshole for the 1912 olympic summer olympics female divers and swimmers were finally allowed to compete America have very good

female swimmer named Ida Shnall but Sullivan sticking to his being a piece of garbage didn't allow the American women to participate Sullivan finally died on September 16th 1914 at Mount Sinai hospital and after an operation on his intestines which is now an olympic event and now his great great grandson is running for president Bernie right Bernie Sanders Bernie Sanders Bernard Bernard everybody feel good about America yeah uh well that's a normal story it's way people were way dumber than you even thought like you're like yeah no way it really does like that that is it's a good story to hear because it makes you sort of look at our time

right now and be like it's not that bad yeah we've come we've come a long way we hear bird I mean we don't have wild oh really Ferguson boo right is that what you mean no no no no no no we've made it this far I'm not gonna comment on that feels like I'm in the stadium and I'm about to run backwards so I'll just put your taint in my hand Rory I'll get you there carry me carry my taint so even then as they were doing it he was like guys seriously I can run I'm fine let us hold your taint as you move your legs move your legs come on hicks run like you're running like a road runner I feel weird keep doing it the strict nine is kicking in I mean that is just that is absolutely that's insanity Dave has a hat what's up girl that is that is the wackiest

it's legitimately wacky like a wacky are you willing to go on record with that yes wow that's all right well that's big someone has learned what the dollop is what's up are you guys having a hat off yeah where's your dude are you competing in hats well I already I already won I already won right all my hats have been given to me and I pride myself on that I've never purchased one hat that should be an event ladies and ladies and gentlemen we have to get going we've probably gone way over and and other comics have to come up here and do shows and get sick from the mic that I've been talking into is it weird that I still think curling shouldn't be that's your takeaway curling I still got a bug up my ass about doing sweeping the ice oh my god

look at these Filipinos trying to curl dogs look out dogs you guys thank you very much thank you