The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 152 - The Past Times with Knowledge Fight

Episode Date: November 21, 2025

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and Knowledge Fight podcast hosts Dan Friesen and Jordan Holmes. SOURCES OFFICIAL MERCH TOUR DATES   Download Cash App Today:  CashApp As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.

I can't wait to see Vancouver this time of year. The brisk refreshing air, autumn leaves scattered across Stanley Park. I'll get to hang out at Granville Island Public Market and try the local delicacy, candied smoked salmon, and best of all, I get to see a crowd of adoring fans at the Rio Theater. While daydreaming of fall travel, I realize my home could be working for me. I'm talking about hosting my home on Airbnb. Might as well, right? Otherwise, it will just be sitting empty while I'm gone.

While you're off living your best life, your home could be bringing in some extra cash. Whether you're off for a work trip or a family vacation, why not make the most of it? Hosting on Airbnb is smart and a practical way to help cover travel costs. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.c.a. slash host. A couple things real quick. On our YouTube, you can go there right now and we started to post the animated Rube Waddell episode that we had with Lakeside Animation. we're starting to post that that's the dollop podcast go there and watch it and we also on

november 24th are going to be doing a live event dave and i are going to be raising money for the hollywood food coalition live on our youtube at 6 p.m. Pacific time where we are watching cats the musical the movie that everybody really was excited about uh you can join us there at the dollop podcast that's our youtube go there join, subscribe, set the alarms and the alerts and comment and all that stuff, but we're going to be watching it live. Dave, are you excited? No. But our friend Stu, who's been a listener for a long time, matched our goal and has already sent $10,000 to the food coalition. So thank you, Stu. You are as always a great, great gentleman. I mean, it's not on the GoFundMe. We've posted a link to

the GoFundMe. You can go on our socials and find that. But Stu just gave them 10 grand from us so amazing so we're watching cats and it's supposed to be really good so you can watch live with us 6 p.m. on November 24th hey everybody welcome to the pastimes it's a podcast yes some of us have cats present by the way we should get a cat for the studio you know what we do here each week we go through a newspaper in a picked out by none other than Dave Anthony from a random date in history I Gareth Reynolds have never seen it

Neither have this week's guest It's a two-for The hosts of knowledge fight Dan and Jordan are here Jordan Holmes, Dan Friesen Thank you for joining us Thanks for having us Yes thank you so much for having us

And I was just talking to Jordan again About the story where I keep thinking I'm doing shows with him And then I keep going like Why am I doing a show with the Jordan? I don't know Do you remember when we went? The problem of never meeting someone face-to-face. Do you remember we went to Chicago?

The number of people who do not respond to my emails, and yet you respond to other people's not my emails. Well, the one time we went back and forth, I think, was through Twitter. Sure, but I was crazy back then. Then you deleted Twitter like eight times. Exactly. So then I was hard to track you. You're on it again, right?

You're on Twitter now? No, you're not. I'm off all social media. All social media. I'm off basically the Internet pretty much. Because you can't trust yourself. One day he's just going to get into a fight with somebody who wrote an op-ed and it's going to spiral out of control. And their name's going to be Gareth, and it's going to be a final payback.

Well, thank you guys for being here. And sorry I didn't make it to lunch when we were. Where were we, Chicago? We were in Chicago, and Gareth just decided not to come because he's not a nice person. There was no reason for it. Well, Jordan's off the internet. I'm off lunches. I don't know.

And I was like, it was a. great lunch. We had the best time. Oh, he did talk it up a lot. It is. The cornbread. The corn bread. Yeah, the cornbread. So we cornbreaded it. We're, yeah, it was good. At the risk of being sincere, we did really genuinely have a nice time. It was great. It's hard to be friends in middle age, you know?

It's so good to just have a talk with a man. Well, that's the price. Get on the internet, would you? That'll fill the hole. The weather was perfect for outdoor dining. It was like a nice Chicago day. Well, I'm inside only, so I don't want to sit outside with you, fringe loonies. Kamala. Fair. We should say that for people who don't know, their podcast is knowledge fight, and they sadly have chosen maybe the worst, the worst choice for a podcast because they have to listen to people like Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson. I was just going to say you've really made an error with their life.

Yeah, we've fucked up. You switched drugs a little bit and it started being Tucker guys. Yeah. And you know what's fucked up about that is that Alex Jones has one of the most annoying and awful voices you can have to listen to. And when we've started to cover Tucker, everyone is so mad about his voice. And like, really? They're like, I want to listen to the angry, growly Texan guy. I don't want to listen to this snarky.

Who wins in a, who wins in a fight? as far as the worst thing to listen to Alex Jones's voice or Tucker's laugh Tucker's laugh for sure by by the country mile yeah do you know what it is it's like this right

if Alex Jones is a bully right and if you get bullied by a bully hey that's how it works Tucker Carlson's a fucking he needs to be in a toilet somewhere getting a swirly you don't want to get bullied by a nerd that sucks that's bullshit

yeah that's 100% bully shit he has always struck me is like he's the softest man on television he looks like he was he came out of the pilsbury doughboy like he's just a soft man he looks like he would be freaking out in a hunting shop about a duck caller i want my money back it just is bowtie turdy red when women have power society collapses is that weird i don't know some people think so when did he stop wearing the bowtie when he got shamed pretty hard really i think john stewart might have

shamed him enough to get the bow tie gone i think that's my memory that's probably not correct say what you about john stewart there's a lot of he's really gone into the lion's den and and sorted a number of beasts like he really has fashion choices of uh of awful people he's fixed i mean he did he did stop the iraq war what right what that is that what we're talking about he got He was like, oh, I'm going to put the hypocrisy on blast. Yeah.

And then the Iraq war is over. Yeah. He was the Tiananmen Square guy, right? Yeah, he loved it, I think. Yeah, that's right. Is that right? Well, guys, we're going to go through a newspaper. It's going to be old.

We guess what year the paper is from. Since there's two of you, this is going to complicate Dave's cheat in ways. But why don't you guys have a guess. It's weird that you won. Dan, do you want to, Dan, do you, Dave? Dan, do you want to guess first what year you think this paper could be from? Yeah, I'm going to say, um, 1932. Good guess.

Jordan, you're off the internet. Maybe that helps. You know what? I think, I think we're queued up for some good shit. So I'm going to go with 1881. I'm going to go with 1899. Ooh, you're wrong. It is 1896.

So if we split in the middle, I'm right. I was three years off. That's incredible. I think that they win because... My guess is phenomenal. The one that's in the middle is the loss and the bookends are the winners. Because there's three people. It's like listening to Dumb Will hunting.

No, there's three people. I don't know. That's Price is Right. Showcase rules. Can't go over. You can go over. Can we make dumb will hunting? Dumb Will hunting.

They just come back at the chalkboards like a penis. What is this? How about them? Wait, is it a pineapple? You like apples? Yeah, I do. I love them. I love apples.

They got a really nice crunch. They got it really good. Pink ladies. Those are my favorite. Oh, yeah. Dumb Will hunting. May 1st, 1896, the Chicago Chronicle. Ooh.

Because you guys are there. Close to home. Yeah. Yeah, you boys. Hometown people. Hey, maybe we'll talk about that. cornbread, we were all munching up at luncheater. I swear, if there's not an article about the cornbread in this 18-100 paper.

How good was that? And that waitress? Whoa, with the fingers? That was crazy. Can you guys hear us? I just want to make, because nobody's reacting. Okay. No, we can hear you.

Okay, yeah, just want to make sure. Yeah, it's not, it hasn't been good. Okay. So our, our selector of articles wrote, I picked articles that sounded like it was about Alex Jones. a conspiracy theory Alex Jones would make up or a news story

he would put on bring up on info wars and Dan and Jordan can be the judge of which category. I don't like the creative I do. I'm all for it.

Control Preston's tape. You know, he's mad with power. He should be fought. But here's the reason I like it is because I don't have to do anything. I said that again, a big issue for me. I like you tired and angry at me.

Fled from the asylum. escaped lunatic arrested. That's about you, huh? Michael Giblonsky, a laborer. A laborer. That's the most Chicago name for the time period ever. I feel like you just wrote an entire book of Polish jokes. You're offensive.

He escaped from the asylum to go get a beef. Or are you telling me, Jablonsky left the asylum? Shit. Jablonsky's out again. God. I needed some Giardinara. It's definitely like if you've asked Chat GPT for a Chicago name. Jambluxki.

Oh, my God. He's the Jablonsky kid. They put him in the asylum, but he took off. Oh, my God. He's out again. Shit. Jesus Christ, does anyone bed to Jablonski's room? He's just used the sheets at the window again.

Do you know what he did at the barbecue? Do you know what he fucking Okay Fucking Jablonsky Jablotsky Ruin my birthday Jablonsky's drinking again boys He's back on it

Hydra Mallory Don't play bird ice Jablonsky's coming in Hey what's going on Jablonsky Hey you know what the news on Jablonsky is What's that? Found him Yep

Boys how's everyone doing the program. The program worked found God. Getting a drink with him later. Do you hear Jablonski got kicked out at a church? No. Yeah, he freaked out. Kick the priest. This is the story of Chicago. That's, uh, that's the

Do you hear Jablonski is starting his own religion? It's about sausages. It's sausage. It's sausage Bay. Aiblaskintology. Uh, a labor living at 4852 Cook Street. You guys know where

that is. Sure. Was sent to Dunning some weeks ago because he persisted in trying to make people believe he was richer than the Vanderbilt's and abused his family when they would not believe him. Well. Well, I mean... Who's opposed to the behavior?

Because I'll start. I'm in. I'm good with it. It is very Chicago to make yourself seem richer than you are. That checks out. This is considerably. richer. So I headbutted mom because she said I wasn't a Vanderbilt. She's got this enormous attitude. I was going to say, I'm trying to think of the actual real world context where this guy is insinuating to his kids like, hey, did you know I'm a Vanderbilt? Why are you

saying this, dad? I don't, I didn't ask. Because Daddy bought you a train. Right? Why is he doing this to his children? You guys know your dad's a Vanderbilt basically. We didn't ask, Dad. I have a lot of money, and I have it in a lot of places. That's great. That's great. That's great. Just don't hit us.

That's why I got a whole sausage religion now. I got to go fight your grandpa. I'll be right back, okay? Your grandpa says I'm poor. Your grandpa's got this crazy. Your grandpa needs to be in an asylum. He's a real Kipwanski. Is this what?

Is this what landed Jablansky in the asylum? Is this what we're saying? Yeah, I think so. Not the hitting his kids. That's crazy. Honestly, the way the pacing's going, we may never get there. We may just say Jablonski. How many articles do you have queued up, or do we just going to get through this first sentence or two?

Each episode's five sentences. Five sentences of actual text. In some manner, he escaped from the institution. and yesterday reappeared at his old home, much to the consternation of his relatives. I like that he does that in like a smoke cloud. Yeah, in some manner. He reappeared.

Yeah, yeah. That needs to be explored. Oh, no. Now, who said I ain't a Vanderbilt? Oh, no. Wow. Would a non-Vanderbilt have this many sausages in his pockets? Jesus Christ, Jablansky.

The stockyards, all right, so it's the stockyard. So the stockyards police were notified and he was taken to the station and will be returned to the asylum. You boys, I can give you a lot of money to not take me down town. I don't know if you heard, I'm doing quite well. I don't, I don't like this plan at all. I don't like this plan at all. You guys don't have, you haven't figured out in what manner he escaped.

You can't just take him back right away. Right. You got to figure out the, you're just, you're just leaving the door open for another mouse, my friend. Yeah, there's a lot of holes. I'm guessing it was the door. You know, like, this is the 1800s, yeah, he probably timed it right and just walked out. That's right. How the hell did Houdini get out of this room?

Hey, Kevin, the door's open. We told him to stay in. Yeah, he really, he said, and I quote, I won't leave. This guy's a genius. Daniel McCaffrey, a saloon owner at Root Street, was locked up in the Stockyard station yesterday. his relatives think that his mind is impaired. McCafferty has been ailing lately. Oh, they just threw that in.

That's just a separate guy? That's a separate guy. They just tossed in. This guy's also often. Also, McCaffrey's a problem. Also, McCaffrey's been struggling. It's like an IR report. Look, we did a story about a Polish guy.

We got to throw in some kind of Irish thing in there, too. Jablotsky's out for the year, but McCaffrey's not looking like he'll play for a while. either. And now, starting for your Chicago Asylums. How a man may float. This is about witches.

Finally. It has been proved that a man weighing 160 pounds needs only about 200 cubic inches of air within his body in order to float with his head above water. Is the author Willie Wonka? Completely insane. Like, why would you want to know that?

What could this serve? Sir, how much air to make a man be a balloon? Kids, kids, kids, hear this. It takes 200-some odd for the... I am a Vanderbilt, God damn it. Jesus Christ, look at Jablatsky. Jablatsky's going through the sky again. Whoa!

This amount of air is easily inserted into the hollow space beneath the skin by means of an aseptic syringe. Hold on. This is just a very crazy-ass turn. This story changed. They are. Air inflating. They are. Now, who's first?

What's to die, boys? Let's get that air under that skin. This started with like... So what we're going to do? This started with just like a really boring, hey, here's how you hold your breath. Yeah. And now it got syringes. And then the guy pulls out a needle and you're like, wait, what?

He's like, and today, one of you is going to figure it out. Hey, uh, researcher, man, uh, listen, I can. just breathe in the air we don't have to do my body. Who wants an air bubble in your bloodstream? Who wants one? Do you? Do you want an air bubble in your bloodstream? It'll kill you. Don't.

But you'll be able to float. $5. Well, another man just dead from air blood. This thing that humans can't do float. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get a man to

float. Even simpler is the use of a hollow needle with a thin rubber hose 18 inches long into which this needle is inserted. A little aseptic cotton placed at the open end of the rubber hose is all that is required. The skin is simply raised. The hollow needle introduced into it and then another end of the rubber tube is taken into the mouth and the man's own breath blown into it. Two deep respirations which are blown into each side of the breast would prove amply sufficient to float a man, however heavy. So sharks, I'm looking for $50,000 for 5%. This reminds me of when that guy advertised a cure for Ebola, and one of the ingredients was a little bit of Ebola.

And a little whiskey. Yeah. Like this is going to murder you. This is a murder recipe here. I'm trying to trace this in my brain. So you need to have the needle and the tube goes to your mouth. And then you inhale or you exhale and that will let you float. Whereas you could just inhale and you would float.

Yeah, but I'm also inflating your tits with some right, too. Look, I'm all for it inflation. Yeah. If you want to have fun, shove a tire inflator up your ass. But, you know, don't do it with needles. No one talks about that, but that's obviously a big. It's a good way to do it. And then when you stop that little thing comes out,

the little tire thermometer. Oh, I'm at 45. Oh, I'm really, I'm getting quite full. Oh, my Lord. Here, get my valve cap. I don't want to leak it. Hey, Jimmy, what are you doing? I'm getting ready to go swimming.

I'm going to go to the moon. Another man dead from airblood. This is an art. This should not have been printed. No, this is insane. Honestly, it's only bad for a society. although when it was this guy was like oh boy i've arrived garrett the pastimes is brought to you by cash app we both use cash up we are cash appers as

they're called in the business i send gareth cash up money sometimes he'll send me cash up money sometimes we'll send luke cash app money sometimes he'll send my son cash app money you see the pattern don't you that you're saying it a lot i guess because i use cash app okay yeah no it's a very great streamlined way to send money. Cash app just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you spend at least $200 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App Pay, you earn Green Status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of

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incorporated brand visit cash dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures yes yeah girl i can't wait to see vancouver this time of year the brisk refreshing air autumn leaves scattered across stanley park i'll get to hang out at granville island public market and try the local delicacy candied smoke salmon and best of all i get to see a crowd of adoring fans at the rio theater while daydreaming of fall travel, I realize my home could be working for me. I'm talking about hosting my home on Airbnb. Might as well, right? Otherwise, it will just be sitting empty while I'm gone. While you're off living your best life, your home could be bringing in some extra cash. Whether you're off for a work trip or a family vacation, why not make the most of it? Hosting on Airbnb is smart and a practical way

to help cover travel costs. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.c.ca. slash host. I can't wait to see Vancouver. this time of year. The brisk refreshing air, autumn leaves scattered across Stanley Park. I'll get to hang out at Granville Island Public Market and try the local delicacy, candied smoked salmon, and best of all, I get to see a crowd of adoring fans at the Rio Theater. While daydreaming of fall travel, I realize my home could be working for me. I'm talking about hosting my home on Airbnb. Might as well, right? Otherwise, it will just be sitting empty while I'm gone. While you're off living your best life, your home could be bringing in some extra cash.

Whether you're off for a work trip or a family vacation, why not make the most of it? Hosting on Airbnb is smart and a practical way to help cover travel costs. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.c.a slash host. Yeah, girl. St. Joe's Suburb has a ghost. Yeah. You guys know that. You're from there. Everyone knows about that.

Sure. Yeah. The St. Joe Suburb ghost. Yep. Oh, wow. Residents of Missouri town terrified by a female specter. Ooh, a lady ghost. Always a lady.

I believe they like to be called apparitions. There's a difference. Men are ghosts, women are apparitions. A ghost is haunting Saxton Heights, a suburb of this city, in the form of a woman who flits about under the trees at night and screams until the rest... And screams until the residents of that vicinity are awakened. Oh, my God. She's like a horror chicken.

It's like the worst rooster ever. She's under a tree screaming. I'm flitting, floated in about. I guess we're selling the house. I don't know what else to do it. Make sure to do the viewing during the day. At five, it's real bad. Not a lot of suburbs ghost in movies, you know?

There's no, there's no many coldestown. sacks haunted by the tragic suicides. That's right. I think I feel like polter guys everyone was like, they did it. And now the suburbs haunted. It is an annoying ghost, though, to just stand under a tree screaming.

You want. It's reminiscent of somebody who left some clothes up there and maybe there's a cat nearby. Yeah. Yeah. She wants her jacket down. That's all she wants. Jesus, lady. The article seems very anti-ghost.

ghost because they do say that she's flitting around like they trivialize her actions she's not like walking with a purpose or anything you know this is that's really nice to have someone representing the ghosts yeah let's not we don't we don't go shame on this podcast no we're not ghost shamers no we're into them yeah we love them they have every reason to exist as anybody else was she did that all she up she's up to is they're just sitting sitting under this tree uh it sounds like it so the specter has been seen and heard on several occasions, but nobody has been able to get close enough to make an investigation. It's so fucking funny.

Too high. Too high. You're supposed to get up there. What are you got a ladder? It's 1891. We won't have been letters for another four years. You don't need a ladder. I got some syringes I could put in your kids.

You guys want to float up to that ghost, my buddy here. You guys want to go see that tree ghost? I got an idea. You ever put a hose up your ass and just? exhaled. I have. I'm getting closer. Now blow me.

Jesus, he's dead. Now blow me so I go over there. There's another ghost flitting about in the trees tonight. That was the guy who's trying to fill up his chest the other day. Last Sunday night, 100 people heard the screams of the supposed ghost, and many of them arose and dressed. Time to get up. Well, we should probably go see that. Is there a follow-on?

It's time to go to work, boys. But no one could get close enough. She's like a rainbow. Yeah. Oh, all right, everybody. Let's spend the next 15 minutes getting our clothes on so we can go walk outside to not get close to a ghost that doesn't exist. This is pretty stressful out here. A number of men went into the grove nearby from whence the unearthly screams were,

coming. And while they could still hear it, while they could still hear moaning, as if someone was in mortal agony, they could see nothing. Okay. What's worse? The moaning of an agonized ghost or the screaming of a ghost. Hmm. Screaming. Moaning's not, moaning's very upsetting. I like the money's attractive. I like it. Well, it's not like a, it's not like a, it's not like the ghost like, oh, oh yeah. No. What's, what's a, what's a, what's an upsetting moan then to you? Yeah. That sounds more like you're, you're floating and you've sprung a hole.

That's, that doesn't, that's not a moan. I'm floating and I've sprung a hole. An upsetting moan is when my wife says Gareth. That's whenever, a. Not for all of us I quit five years ago I haven't done a single joke My wife hate it

My wife hates it when I moaned Gareth You know what I mean My girlfriend said stop doing it When I moaned Gareth Oh Gareth And she doesn't even think of a Vanderbilt man Oh boy This ends so good

A hunting party will be organized For the purpose of capturing the ghost Well, if you want your ghost All go out there at night and shoot it scared Of course, that's exactly right An Australian guy comes through and he's like Well, I can't do it. The problem with your ghost is you've not shot it yet

Really? I'll bring the B-Said back for 500 large You'll have your ghost by dawn I love a time in the world when a respectable paper can publish a ghost hunting party like that's awesome yeah ghost hunting party there should be there should be there should be a ghost he just comes back with an alligator head these you guys did did deroids alligator heads just moaning if they were all wearing their clan outfits it gave real confusing about oh yeah very difficult find a lot of ghosts you shot Clark

sold his soul to the devil strange discovery in connection with the Quaranta murder case another this is at a Providence, Rhode Island another and a decidedly uncanny chapter in the Quanta

murder mystery was developed today when coroner Lincoln fled his, sorry, filed his report upon the death of the Italian. oh boy and it was probably Italian at this time

yeah that's not like a code name that's just offensive like where to label this guy richy name like oh this is oh it's the Italian oh okay I got you

we all know the Italian it's not no corenta was a laborer who resided in the Charles Charles Street colony he disappeared last August and his body was

afterward found in Leonard's pond fucking Leonard I swear to God, every Italian dies in Leonard's Pond Oh, it's another accident Another Italian died of letters Trying to swim and died in olive oil

That came out of him A long section Of heavy pipe Had been attached to his body And his skull had been fractured By a blow from a club So here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna touch

We think it was a suicide We're pretty sure it was a suicide Freddie one 100% sure This is a suicide It looks like he drowned himself I don't know, he got a lot of pipe on him. What? He was trying to make a pipe suit.

Yeah, another case of a guy trying to give himself outside plumbing. He drowned himself with pipe. Drown himself trying to float. Leonard is furious. God damn, I fucking pawned. And this guy, $500. According to the general belief, Giovanni Quaranta was, a man of mystery. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Sure. All his neighbors believed that he had sold his soul to the devil and that his satanic majesty waited upon his beck and call. Jesus. He's really good at the guitar then. Yeah. Oh, man. They were like, holy shit.

This guy, you cannot be this good. But get an axe in his hand. Is this the victim? Yes. Alleged. Yeah, we're talking shit about. The victim. Okay, just making sure.

It's America. They said he had a strong influence over them and could make them do anything he desired. He's fucking, he's fucking, he's fucking, I mean, I don't know. He's fucking married ladies. That's my guess. Oh. It's a weird investigation you've conducted. That's where I go to.

Doctors. You know, I think this guy's probably fucking wives. Dave, that's a pitch is coming up a lot in these investigations. It all comes together, right? Guys are a wife fucker. Pipe on the body. Lay in pipe. Who's laying in pipe now, Jablonsky?

Thank you. Sausages, air tits. Come on. Dr. Spagnolo told the coroner that the strange influence was merely hypnotic, but he could not account for the people's belief in his diabolical possession. Funny that the straight man's like, wrong. This is hypnosis. Mass hypnosis.

Nothing more. Just the common mass hypnosis. Oh, this was explained in the investigation, however, when a black book found, when a black book found in the man's trunk was discovered to be the manual of a secret society of devil worshippers. Oh, no.

The directions are out. That's what you keep, where else do you keep your devil book but in the trunk of the car? How many pages do that film? Yeah. Honestly, there it is This is totally how you worship Satan

This is how you do it You're just getting a fucking circle You got some stars or whatever You go, ah, Satan, you do it, buddy That's a very planted book The book was in Italian and was published anonymously Oh boy Oh boy

Well, that's Satan's language Well, look, they're using Satan's alphabet Sir, I think that's just Italian. Same difference. The first part of the book is devoted to a description of the manner. This book is for Helen. Helen, you've helped me buy souls for a long time. Without ye, I could not keep the lights on this place.

To the best bride of Satan. It also begins with this book is totally real. It's totally real. A couple pages. I thank you to my team at Penguin. They really, really have. helped. The first part of the book is devoted to a description of the manner in which the Prince

of Evil may be summoned by those who desire to have communication with him. Complete rules are given and with them the assurance that those who follow them could not fail of success. When the devil appeared, he would present a compact to his would-be devotee and would agree to serve him in every way in return for his soul. What are we thinking? Apps, maybe some drinks. Which must be given him payment at the end of 20 years.

Okay. You got a 20 year. Wait, who came up with 20 years? 20 years, though. Fucking cooking. Yeah, you're, you're, the best 20s. The best. You give Satan your soul, then for 20 years, he'll do whatever you want him to.

All your dreams are coming true. We're not talking about Charlie Kirk. That's a solid. the trade for 1891, you're probably not going to live that much longer. So, I agree. I mean, but it's not even about killing you as much as after the eternal life is in hell. But I still like the deal.

What's the, what like how good our souls? Like the devil should be able to get you for 10 years. Why is he given 20? Right. Exactly. Like, absolutely. I don't feel like. Is there the soul union?

Yeah. This was as far as far as I know, this was negotiated. by the union. Oh, okay. That's what I'm saying. The retirement program is, it's not that great, but up front, you get paid pretty well. Oh, yeah. It's like joining ice.

Yeah. The devil is like joining ice. It's a lot like joining ice. It's a lot. You got a great run where you're having fun with your buddies for a while. Yeah, you're just, you're, you're, you're tasing dads holding babies. Yeah. You're dragging.

You're dragging teachers at a daycare. And just, yeah. Like the good guys. And you get that 50 grand. Yeah, you're the good. guys yeah you're having the fun you're doing the fun stuff yeah and then at the end of that you're like oh no fuck shit i guess i'm going to get hanged i'm gonna get hanged because people are now like against what we did oh whoops i will say this i find i do have some little bit of envy for a person

who can just go kidnap somebody and then go home afterwards and be like had a good day oh that's crazy right you're like going shopping you're i mean think about that power that's crazy that's crazy You can do anything. I couldn't do that. It's crazy to have no compass. Yeah, and then just be at the store and just be like looking at yogurt ingredients. Like, uh, I think I'll touch a bonnie. Absolutely.

Today I ruined eight families. The manual also gives. Pita chips. The manual also. Oh, now baked. Wow. The manual also gives many prayers to the devil. One of them is as follows.

Oh, great. Yeah, this could really. this is like candy man shit. Oh, great Lucifer. By the way, I watched that again recently. And it holds up. It's actually okay. Is this the prayer?

Because it's kind of losing its... Oh, great Lucifer. I command you to come to me in accordance with your agreement that without loud noise or vile smell that you hear my wishes. Do not come stinky. This is just the opening to every knowledge fight podcast. Yeah, Jordan, take a bath. If you forget to add the vile smell part, do you just automatically get vile smell?

Or is that chance any of just assume it. You got to keep up to every part of this. You got to do it. Otherwise you didn't say that I shouldn't be covered in it. Right. What's up? What a weird devil you guys have? What a strange guy.

You didn't say I shouldn't be stinky. I'm stinky now. I'm supposed to have a must. what a petty asshole oh get over it it's not that bad just sign it just sign it come on 20 years 20 look I'll be out of here real soon you didn't say in the prayer to not be stinky so I'm a little stinky okay did it also say he can't be loud like he has to

no yeah without loud noise and vile smell keep it down don't let everybody know we're summoning you the baby we put in the loud noise after that witch shit that happened did you guys summon me sorry that ghost that loud witch ghost thing we put in the loud noise after that was there a first guy who realized that you could ask

like nobody had asked before and then just like tentatively one of the guys was like hey can we just like maybe just let's try asking not to smell like shit this time. Probably not going to work. All right, sure. And don't be smelly. And he's like, oh, you got me.

And bring cookies. By the way, that was a pretty rude thing to put into the prayer. Right? Yeah, I guess I have to bathe. How bad was I stinky? It was not good. Sorry.

Nobody told me. Anyway, let's talk numbers. Twin. Great. that you hear my wishes and that you may grant them. The book then provides that if the devil does not appear, the devotee shall say, Oh, great Lucifer, I have called upon you and you have not answered.

If you do not come now, by the power of this compact, I shall give you no rest, wherever you may be until you answer. I'm going to annoy you? I'm going to bug the shit out of the devil. Where are you going? You've done it now, devil. I'm going to keep. fucking chat.

Someone did the prayer. And I have to shower, too. Jesus Christ, I can't be loud and I got to wash my ass. Fuck this shit. Why did I take this job? This book is sad to me because it's clingy. It's not only, it is. It is.

It is. It's weird. So many caveats. some of the prayers Satan's like I don't want to go but I just can't handle anymore these fucking junk mail man I can't handle it they won't stop believe me they won't stop they won't stop they never shut the fuck up they keep going some of the prayers are of a more humble character are of a more humble character but not many of them for the black book distinctly provides that the devil must be subservient to those who have sold their souls to him that sucks yeah that sucks for the devil that does suck. Yeah. That sucks. You know, it's great about this? You know, it's great about this guy in specific?

You can trust him. This is a devil you can trust. Yeah. He's like, by the rules, you can kick his ass. Right? Absolutely. Hey, Jablonski. Quit forward punches, Jablonski. I'll send you back to the asylum, Jablonski.

And then I'll just bother you more, Satan. Come on. You're weak. we are quite a pair The devil's over like Why did I put that part in Where they could just fucking jabber I swear to God I use this online service

And there was so much fine print Unbelievable Rules are also given For the protection of the life Of the devil's servant And hieroglyphics shown by the coroner Are said to have been tattooed upon the body of the dead man.

By the use of them, it was imagined that his life was secure from death by steel, poison, or bullets, and sure. Steel, poison, or bullets. The coroner's real good. The big three. Well, it could be, it's hard to tell. And this, as Count Alberto.

I got him naked, too. I couldn't figure it out. And this, as Count Alberto, the Italian vice consul at New York. I'm also a beth. And Dr. Spagnolo, believe, explains the unusual form of his death. They believe that explains it.

Yes. I'm starting to. Just be clear in this new story where they explain it. These people believe that explanation. Because he couldn't have been killed by steel, poison, or bullet, so they had to pipe around him and drown him. It's not one of the big ones. Yeah.

Yeah. It makes sense. Their inference is that believing he could not be killed by by ordinary means, his terrified I can't be killed by regular shit, by the way. His terrified companions are diced. I feel like drowning is very normal.

That's very normal means. Yeah. It's not one of the big ones. It's a not. Not a bullet to steal a bomb or whatever. Put him underwater is not one normal means? No, no. Never see that.

No. Believing he could not. Wait a minute. You mean he can't breathe underwater? What is it weird at this? It's probably the devil. Probably the devil. This seems very devilish.

Believing he cannot be killed by ordinary men's, his terrified compatriots enticed him to the woods, struck him on the head, and then sunk him in the water of the pond. That's a spicing me, Paul. Yeah, that dude's fucking everybody's wife. That's very uncomplicated. Yeah, he's bang on everybody's wife.

That's what that is. I can't believe that's the same story. yeah it took a lot of turns it would suck if they fucked it up if they messed up the murder and he survived that because then they'd be like well that's another way we can't kill him well i'll tell you what that's not great we had bartolomeo write up that whole fucking demon book and now bartolomeo's work is just for nothing god i love bartola mayo the case of William Pryor, is he sane or

insane? The case of seven this, what? The answer's insane. You're telling me this, so he's insane. Oh, I don't know. Let's see what the story goes. Might just be a fun little tale

of a man making lemonade. Just a guy putting a chair out to save his parking space in Chicago. Just a totally sane guy. Just a normal guy. guy who ate attire. The case of a 17-year-old William Pryor, who is under indictment for forgery, oh, he's

insane. Uh-oh. Forger, he's insane. Is one upon which Judge Carter and William Pinkerton are unable to agree. Pinkerton. Never good to hear the term. A member of Weezer. Yeah.

an underrated album the judge is of the opinion that the youth is undoubtedly out of his mind and brings up legally speaking he's out of his mind fucking nuts and I'm the judge this guy's a Jablonsky over here he's a real Jablonsky

he's a real Jablotsky we got a Jablatsky let's bring it home everybody let's bring it home let's wrap it up it's higher than a Jablonsky and brings up in support of this view the facts that he smoked on an average 10 packs of cigarette cigarettes a day what how right there must have been to a pack he's nuts 10 a 10 pack

17 17 I say he's got the lungs are there enough hours in the day for 200 cigarettes it's it's it's hard to fathom that that is even possible especially you need to not be going asleep, yeah, and it's back to back, yeah. How long is a cigarette? Like one cigarette take to smoke? No, an American spirit is a day. I have a, probably five-ish. Five minutes?

Yeah, you can do 200. You could, do you shouldn't? Yeah, you could. Hey, we don't give advice here. I actually think... Cigarettes are a sponsor. Please don't say that. He sounds more saying to me. He's forging stuff and he's smoking a lot.

That sounds like... It's having a good time. He's 17. and had been seen to set 10 glasses of liquor on a bar and drink their contents one after the other without any appreciable effect and numerous other unnatural and eccentric actions. This is Andy Dick.

You know what I do? You know what I do need to remind myself? Papers at this time were prone to embellishment just a hair. Just a hair prone to making things a big bigger. Well, it was like some guy was like, I smoked 200 cigarettes today and I drank 10 bottles of booze off the bar. Sounds true to me, sir. We're going to print that.

Well, sir, lies haven't been invented. Good to meet you. Did you hear there was a ghost outside? So he forged stuff. He smokes a lot and he drink. He can hold his booze. He doesn't get wasted after drinking a lot. He's a cool guy.

He's cool. He's a lot of insane so far. He's called Chicago-based. Yes, because she should be called I'm jealous. Area man. What a time. Area man, yeah. Mr. Pinkerton says that young Pryor is as

sane as any other person and that Judge Carter's innocence has been greatly imposed upon if he had been led to believe that the fellow is insane. It is simply the old case of a young scamp with respectable and wealthy parents. He's a scamp. Oh, so he's got, he's got wealthy parents, said Mr. Pinkerton. And I do not. And I do not believe that Pryor is any more insane than the rest of the young fellows who are paving their way for the penitentiary. Kids are all crazy. It is a travesty on justice to allow him to escape his just deserts on an insanity plea. Weird that Pinkerton's want him locked up. They would never consider him insane if he just got wasted, right?

Like if he just drank all the booze and then he was drunk? I think so, yeah. That's the out. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That one?

Well, this is where I leave our podcast, everybody. Oh, yeah, Garris. Gamp her out because he's got a phone call. You guys be good. I'm glad we made it through a full article. Handle it strong. And if the show's really good, we won't release it when it be gone. Okay, so just so you know, the next headline you're missing is likes to kill chickens.

What did you fuck up? I don't know. I have real conflicted feelings about missing this one. I'm trying to think if there's any good jokes I want told while I'm gone. Do some cock stuff. cock stuff will be great yeah yeah and maybe you could say it sounds like he's going to beak the charges

all right thank you everybody Jesus what a awful way to go out Goodbye Shut up Dave Andy Elting yeah

I was just gonna say I can't believe that that last story was even a story that that's just a kid who smokes and drinks yeah he's a party yeah smoking drinking fortune

Payerton was just mad that he got off because he was rich. That's all. And leave the kid alone. The kid likes a party. Yeah, he loves. At 17 then is like 40. So let him have fun. Indy Elting tells a curious story about a pigeon that has the instincts of the butcherbird.

What the fuck is happening right now? The butcher bird must be a chicken because you butcher. So we've got a Chicago pigeon. You're just talking about a regular Chicago. These are normal means. Like if that guy had been killed by a pigeon, that would still be normal means. Chicago pigeons don't fuck around. Chicago pigeons have the instincts of chickens.

That's right. Am I to understand the chickens have special powers? They know how to be killed in a yard and de-feathered and eaten. Yeah. is that with this pigeon accomplished the what is that what the pigeon accomplished i mean i'm assuming so what else is a chicken do see no one has anything clock one of his friends living in ireton oh oh oh period that must be maybe it's oh oh and they just didn't put the age on owns a large male pigeon which takes delight in killing chickens okay this

took a fucking turn. That's what I thought we were talking about. It's not a pigeon that acts like a chicken. It's a murdering pigeon. Oh my God. It's a pigeon that gets in there with its beacon, tears the chickens and trails apart. It's a fucking serial killer pigeon, which I think we need more of, not less. Yeah, sure.

How do we know it's the same pigeon? What do you mean? 1800s is this only? there's only one there's only one pigeon in chicago covered in blood okay well that would be a dead giveaway if that's fair enough that that would be a tough case for me as a pinkerton to argue that this what a day what a day to just be walking down the street and see a pigeon walking by drenched in the blood of its recent kill he's got and all of his little pigeon claws are just blades so it's a clear murder pigeon like you you saw this pigeon be like fuck

hide your chickens we got to get this this pigeon into uh cockfighting right i mean like i would like to see i would like to see i would like to see yeah i would like to see this pigeon out in nature breaking the pigeon barrier that's it's the jacky pigeonson it's right no foul oh god so sad gareth is not here for that he would tears of joy would be coming out of the friend found chickens two or three three weeks old, dead on the ground with their neck's broken. Okay, hold on. We're framing the beard.

Your claw theory is out the window here. The classic pigeon move of snapping chickens' necks. Well, it used its wings and it put them together around the neck and went, like that, like John Claude Van Diem. That was the way it happened. Oh, this is great. The friend found the two, the chickens, two or three weeks. first of all two or three weeks old so they've been dead for two or three weeks

weeks it's going to be tough to two or three week old hatch no if the murder was two or three weeks ago then you're going to have a tough time getting forensics on it you know that's yeah no i think you might be right you i think they might be two or three weeks old yeah two or three or three week old chicken might just trip and break its neck right that's a right i mean that's that's what i always say you know what i mean right that old saying even a two or three week old chick will just fall in break its neck no i don't know that they must have fallen down again it's probably a pigeon who knows you guys hear about the murder pigeon that's going around that motherfucker's crazy i saw him kill a fox

i heard he killed the italian that pigeon's played by jason goddiam statham okay he couldn't account for it till one day he saw the pigeon a light near a chicken and pouncing on it break its neck no he didn't this guy's killing chickens for the fun of it and now he's blaming a fucking pigeon he's like trying to frame a pigeon how can a how can a pigeon how can a pigeon break a chicken's neck he pounced on him he plays it pumps A pigeon is directly related to a raptor. It's the same thing. Absolutely.

You saw Jurassic Park. Yeah, Muldoon taught us all about the dangers of the pigeon. I've heard all the evidence I need guilty. I think, Dave, your theory sounds more believable that it's a person killing chickens and then blames a pigeon. But if you're wrong, we're taking a big risk in ignoring. We are taking a big risk. Yeah, we really are. You can't let that pigeon be out on the streets.

You can't let it reproduce. No, you can't. Teach other pigeons. That's how it starts. The 200th pigeon or whatever the fuck that thing is. You know, the monkeys? Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. Hey. The pigeon flew away without eating its victim. Why this was done if it was not for fun is not known. Just a gallivanting merger pigeon. Just fucking people up left in. right doesn't give a shit anymore lost his job lost his wife lost his home that he's a man on a that is just so clearly a guy killing chickens a blame it's so great it's so great it would be fun

if you were watching a documentary about geoffrey dommer and there's a huge part where it's like the news says that's a pigeons killing these people this guy was in a yard and he was just surrounded by like seven dead chickens and someone's like what are you doing he goes i swear to god there was a pigeon in here i swear to god i he just came down and snapped all the necks no i'm not naked on purpose this was the pigeon's doing the pigeon stripped me the pigeon did it man it's dressed like me go after it you know you do touch on an like a sad truth and that is that like the more fun versions of stories are usually just someone lying.

Like the pigeon killing these chickens is probably alive, but it's way more fun. Yeah. It's way more fun. Yeah. An original suicide. Did we get one of those earlier too? We may have, yeah. Many are the ways

by which a person may rid himself of his life, but the means employed by an elderly agriculture named Baud Baud Revealed a considerable amount of originality Yeah, sorry

That was me saying By blood I didn't have first of boss At Nile People used that fucked We got bad blood Tuesdays at nine Bad blood

Revealed a considerable amount of originality And patience Oh Taking an old rifle barrel that had been used as a blowpipe, I mean, this is, I'm, he passed, he passed some three and one half ounces of gunpowder into it, nearly sealing one end of the barrel at the same time. Blod then descended into the cellar with a lamp and took his seat on a tub. This guy put a lot of thought into this. okay a tub of they were right it is blow himself up right patient creative is patient but this

sounds like a pipe bombish no yeah has the most has the makings of a pipe bomb for sure and then he and then he waited for the pigeon resting resting one end of the weapon on the ground he placed the other in his mouth and then applied the lamp to a short train of powder he had laid down A violent report followed, which, yeah, which brought the man's family to the seller. Oh, my God, wait until they're not home or just do it out in a field. Like, what are you doing? If you're going to be, you guys, I swear to God, you call me a Vanderbilt or I'm going downstairs. I'm going downstairs and you'll never see me again.

You'll never see me again, Tommy. Is that what you want? Where a terrible spectacle met their eyes. Blod's head having been completely blown off by the force of the explosion. I mean, Jesus. So he, yeah, he made a pipe bombish. Yeah, it did work. I think that the news is irresponsible here.

And if I were the editor, I would not start with like a congratulation of the creativity. That seems like, check this guy out. Check out how good this guy did it. All of you are people who slit your wrists, your losers. uncreative. This guy gets it. The bar for killing yourself has been raised. We don't usually give out awards for suicide, but in this case, congratulations.

We've got the Honest Wagner of suicide out here today. All right. Last one. Yeah, last one. Many ask for divorces. John Lang stated that his wife Estella, whom he married April 26th. 1886 was Daffy on spiritualism

so I know the type I've met some daffy spiritualists Thank you and left him in 1891 because he forbade her to attend seances while the lady

likes a seance so it's cool of spiritualism not just going to church yeah no you know spiritualism then was like the seancey yeah like we're talking to the dead it's like maybe somebody who's got a black book

with a bunch of rules in it thank you what a strange relationship I forbid you from speaking to the dead how dare you speak to the dead no wife of mine don't do that

no wife of mine will ever speak to the dead you fool she's buying me with that corpse she's probably coming up and being like well guess what Frank said about you today. I fucking hate Frank. But besides this, he, averse.

Who are you texting? Is he dead? We're friends. You're this dead guy or friends. Can a woman and a dead guy be friends or not? It's two in the morning and I hear you clicking away talking to the dead. What's his fucking name? It's Frank, I told you.

He's so dead. He's so fucking dead. It's like, oh my God. Besides this, he said she was in the habit of going unattended to dances and other affairs. Unattended by the living. No. She had gone. Shut it down.

I gotta go. She had like a ghost dance. She's getting all kinds of ghost action. Yeah. Yeah. She's flitting around in a tree. Yeah. Just moaning.

I've seen these types before. I know these folks. I've seen them. Well, gentlemen. I think we all say we're glad Gareth left and we were able to have fun. Yeah. Finally. and that was a good one we navigated that without any cock jokes and uh amazing there were so many and

and there were cocks in the actual articles yeah dead ones but nonetheless i i am blown away by this slice of history uh and how normal a lot of it is like this 17 year old likes to drink people are freaked out by a ghost yep somebody killed himself in a weird way Yeah. It is like, it is like, you know, we have true crime documentaries now and they're just longer versions of like, look at how weird this guy killed himself, right? totally yeah yeah whenever my wife was watching one of her many murder shows i always walk in go you can just read about this in two seconds and you wouldn't have to watch the show i know they're playing it out in a linear time but that happened five years ago we can just actually look at it in two seconds and find out yeah but you don't understand it's about the time

release it's like a it's like a pain care it's about slowly getting it throughout the day and books don't have a like a score that is really like tense you know they should have that and they'll have that they're trying to figure out how to do that i'm sure in books i think they have it in children's books would you like help reading me hi i'm your ai assistant do you want to read this book or would you prefer not to i'll just print something out it'll be like the same thing you can get an a oh shit well guys thank you thank you Thank you for having us. This was a delight.

I feel like everybody won. Amen. Right? Isn't that way? Amen. Win, win, win. And at the same time, and at the same time, continued eating nuts. Eating nuts?

So he's threatening to sue someone while he's just kind of walking back and forth and eat nuts as you. But he probably always had to eat nuts because he couldn't eat that much. I still, he shouldn't be eating nuts, in my opinion, based on his previous thoughts. It seemed nuts have feelings. Oh, and that's come from rocks. Believe me, nuts have feelings. So people start to sour on Johnny Appleseed. That's fucking hilarious.

You know what? Fuck this guy. Honestly, this is crazy. And this included the Putnam family who were related by half siblings. One of the Putnam's, quote, father said that Johnny Appleseed was nothing but a bum that all he did was come and sponge he could come and stay and eat and eat and eat

until you finally shoved him out and sent him on his merry way whenever he was coming dad was really mad and didn't want him around but so he would eat so maybe he would just eat if you prepped a meal or he was picky about what he was eating yeah but he might have been loophole oh he's like oh you already made the duck All right, I guess Like he was probably doing that

Maybe he's probably eating like a fucking king Yeah He's like no more roast beef since you already got it like Oh killed and everything No, don't be crazy Keep going Oh is it sirloin night Oh gosh

Well I guess it's already been killed Mind if I put some shoes on I'm really changing He just loves slippers His fashion changed Oh When did he... Quote, he wore a pyramid of three hats.

Oh, no. Three hats now? Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Like, he needed a friend. Johnny needed a friend. Johnny needed one guy to be like, Johnny, look. Okay. I love you.

The two hats I get, because the first was a brim and the next was the cooking pot. So that makes sense. No, it doesn't. A hat under the cooking pot. No, nothing. It keeps the pot clean.

Nope, just carry a pot. Tied to your bindle sniff or whatever the fuck you're rocking. And then on top of all that was a hat with a crown. Okay. So. He was, oh, man, he would do bad at the No Kings March. They'd be like, Johnny, no. I'm the Apple King.

No, Johnny, no. The sum total was of extremely odd rather ingenious. That's insane. It enabled him to carry not only his kettle, but his treasure of sacred literature sandwiched between the pot and the crown of the uppermost hat. Wait, wait.

What happened to the carrier? He had his stuff in a carrier at one point. Well, now he's got it up there. So now he's wearing a pot, a brimmed hat, a crown, and books. Yeah, well, it's like a library and it keeps the books dry because they're under the pot,

and his hands are left free to deal the seed bags and the tools and stuff. What about a knapsack or a bag? Surely they had other things. I mean, I know they had other shit invented by then. Well, he doesn't need those because he has a pot and a hat. No, he does because he's wearing a fucking... He is a totem pole.

No wonder that we needed a ladder. He doesn't need a knapsack. He's got a hat and a pot and a hat. If he hangs out with a monkey, I'm going to leave the goddamn stage. And then he got a monkey. get on his back boys so he ages into his 60s which is pretty shocking for a guy who goes who's sleeping outside walking around with barefoot and everything else this is got to be a crazy time he starts to become a little cranky while staying with a quaker he's a crab apple while staying with a quaker well that's a reality show

on an all new Quaker in the nut. I'm there keep encroaching on what we should do. You know what? I'm going to put a syringe through my foot. Well, staying with the Quaker, he threw the Quaker's universalist Christian book on the ground in disgust. He also, quote, frequently rebuked the young man

for their levity and appeared much displeased if they were not attentive hearers. So he was getting old and irritated. All right. to me yeah well he's putting a knitting needle through his heel in march in nineteen forty five johnny at seven he marched 15 miles through snow and rain to fix a bramble fence at one of his orchards at a cabin belonging to william north and his family he asked for a roof over his head and they happily obliged as they'd done many times he ate a lawn on the floor as usual

oh my dog and they gave him and gave the people the good news quote, right fresh from heaven. Johnny slept by the fire. Wait, what was the good news? I'm sure it was God shit. Blah, blah. Don't kill moths. Whatever.

Johnny slept by the fire, but by morning he had a fever and could not speak. Finally. We finally have the best Johnny ever. And then he died. Can you imagine being the fucking person with the house? Oh, what? Johnny Appleseed's dead by our fire.

And then you eat him. Who are those two hot ghosts over him? Oh my God. I swear to God, dude. And then all of a sudden there are three ghosts. One's doing anal, and the other one, the whole fucking thing was crazy. Man, uh, and then what happened, sir? Then they just titty-fucked him.

by the fire for a little while. I don't know. It was totally insane. It was the crazy thing I've ever seen. And then they put a bunch of splinterdus in his feet and stuff like that. Yeah. That was pretty hot though. That part was pretty hot.

I guess some stuff that I guess it kind of opens some stuff up in me, you know what I I mean? And I just... Just Johnny. I guess I never really looked at intimacy that way. Go to heaven already, go to heaven. Oh my God, yes, yes. Johnny, stop.

Oh, yes. Oh, I waited so long, yes. Jesus, Johnny, this feels great. This reminds me of when I put it in an apple. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. This is Christ.

have a I mean it's like a it's like a always coming ghost in our house and it's really bad it does that all the time oh my God and honestly it feels so good from the tip to the base we would be fine with it not being here if it was just quiet

whoa and sometimes Yeah, we just need... Feeling hot, hot, hot, hot, but da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-da-da-da-ha. And then you think it's... You think it's quiet for a minute, and the song stopped and like, oh, maybe you'll go to sleep for a little while, because, you know, you need some kind of sleep. I'm gonna go to boom, boom, bum, bum, ba-da-da-da-up, but-da-da-da-bum-bum-bum-bub. Oh, we found out.

This is from six. We found out the ghost. Ooh, baby. Ghosts don't sleep after a while. I'm a love it. They're not like people. Oh, it hurts, it hurts in a good way, in a good way. Hearts in a good way, hearts in a good way.

It hurts in a good way. Ghost, it turns out. Oh, that's it. I'm done. They can come over and over and over. They never get tired. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So anyway, that's why I'm calling the ghost hunters on. I just need you guys to comment and help me out here. Oh my God. I don't think you're going to be able to sell the house. Oh, here I go again. Oh, the new shift son. Don't mind if I do.

Oh, I got some wood to graft to you. Anyone have a smoke? The doctor who pronouncement dead told everyone that he'd never seen such a serene look on a corpse in his life. Well, I think we know why. Holy Christ, look at his eyes. Was he smiling when he slept or was that just after?

Much later, the Worth family would say that the body was practically glowing with tranquility. I'll bet it were. Oh. For his final outfit, he wore, quote, the wastes of four pairs of pants. Wait, wait.

The wastes? That's what it says. It's a quote. What, like just the elastic? These were cut off at the forks, ripped up at the sides and the front's thrown away, saving the waistband attached to

the hinder part. These hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles, so as to cover the whole lower part of his body. Over top at all, next to the Chapman's skin, was a coarse coffee sack with holes cut out

for the arms and head, and quote, what was once pantaloons? What was once pantaloons? he cut off the butt part of the four pairs of pants and buttoned together as some sort of super pants it's called fashion that sounds like something yay would make

who the fuck is that quote from who came up with super pants don't worry about it mind your fucking business Will you please tell me what he wore one more time? The waist of four pairs of pants. Which is already not okay. These were cut off at the forks.

The forks? I believe that's the, so the, they're like... Okay, so we wore like booty shorts. Like denim cut off. So we wore four pairs of booty shorts. Ripped up at the sides. They just said juicy on the back, Johnny. So they ripped up the sides, the hinder part...

So they're basically. the front's thrown away miniskirts well so that so they're so it's open at the front mini yeah no because the mini the miniskirt doesn't isn't like here's my genitals these are open at the front bro have you ever what okay okay saving the waistband attached to the hinder part so the back ass part is covered the hinder part were buttoned around him lapping like shingles so as to cover the whole lower part of his body.

So he had four butt parts? It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a lower cape. I think what he's wearing is a smock. It's a lower cape. It's the back part. Yeah, he's wearing a smock. Are smocks in the back? Smocks are in the front.

Well, yeah, but it's like smock technology. It's, it's a reverse smock. He's wearing a backwards apron. can you imagine this fucking like legend showing up in a backwards apron what's for supper and then dying in front of your fire like the fuck they're going to think we did this to him we're going to be implicated in the weirdest murder of our time we need to get him in the attic there's no stairs up there you idiot

if only technology would give us away it's four smocks Four smocks. Four smocks at the back. And then he's just got like a little fucking miniskirt on at the front. You know, you try to, you try to like... And no shoes, because he stepped on a worm once, three hats, and then coffee. You're mad at fashion.

No, I'm flagging this. Over top at all, next to the Chapman's skin. I don't know what Chapman's skin is. Doesn't matter at this point. was a coarse coffee sack with a holes cut out for arms and head that was once pantaloons. That was once pantaloons.

I think the coffee sack used to be worn as pants, but only for one person, him. Him, yeah. Yeah, so he eventually was like, you know what, the downstairs is really taking care of itself. But I'll bet you I could wear my old coffee bag pants as a shirt.

So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together like some sort of super pants. It makes sense if you think about it. And then he shows up and you're like, how are you, Johnny? Good, pretty good.

Nobody's giving me credit for nothing no more. I basically built this country. Is it time for supper? Oh, that's good. No, no, put it in a bowl. I'll eat it off the floor like a canine. Hoo, I'm pooped. All right.

Hey, I'm awake. I'm very sick. Oh, no. And then Tim Gunn comes in, and what are you doing here? We don't know who he is. I love this. This is amazing. No, we don't know him.

Great. His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money, which was... In today's money? Yes. His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money. All that. Well, he gave it all to the church. I know.

No, but still, for someone to come in and be like, all right, this is $2. I'm sure he had a pot, a pot fund, all was sold to pay back taxes or debt, and then tributes poured in. Sam Houston, William to Cunzel Sherman, all these big famous guys are like, I love Joddy Apple Seed. A Harper's article by Charles Allen Smart described what his life meant. He embodies, quote, the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion. That has been friendly, sensible, and brave instead of aggressive and bloody, that has nurtured life instead of destroying it, and that has been sensitive to the beauty of this continent and done something to create here a civilization. Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.

Not wrong. Not right either. Not wrong and not right. Without question. But it definitely, look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better. Yeah. Yeah.

Then we, we act like we hate nature. Yeah. Yeah, and it all, and it is, yeah, yeah. But, but yes, maybe a better. He smelled really bad. And maybe, yeah, look, he's a flawed messenger. He is a, uh, the Messiah had a pot on its head. But, uh, but there is something to that idea that, like, that all the, the general

thinking behind everything he was doing is great. It's far closer to what it should be. It's just, uh, and then towards the end, he got bitter and he obviously just wore four aprons backwards, but that is better. I mean, that is a way better way than now where you're like, what are you going to do, save a tree? Shut up, fucking tree hugger. Are you mad that I like trees? By the way, anyone who calls you a tree hugger's never taken

mushrooms. There's nothing better on mushrooms than hugging a tree. You gain all of its knowledge in exchange for some of your water. it's pretty fucking straightforward I'd fuck a tree out mushrooms great how great would it be to hang out with Johnny apple seed on mushrooms oh my god you just don't you don't tell him though

it wouldn't be that great because you don't tell him he'd be just going off man these trees are fucking humming right now dude don't say that too much you keep saying that right over here holy shit I want to hug this tree star keep caught you're messing up

the pace uh research was done by josh and drowsky uh johnny apple johnny apple seed the man the myth the american story by howard means johnny apple seed a pioneer hero by w d hayley and harper's magazine

wow that's it wow It's also fun to picture this thing banging two ghosts. Yep. Well. That was... The story of Paul Bunyan. It's...

It's not the same as what you're doing. told as a child. No. No, they really did sanitize that. They really did a good job of taking out a lot of the weird stuff to be quite honest. Oh yeah. It might be one of the only times where like American history, they were like, these cuts are valid. Oh yeah. Like they just hung in there with like the, his name was Johnny Appleseedy loved trees. What did he wear? There'll be no more questions. Cut the mic. Cut the mic. What was his favorite shoe? Shut the mic. Did he ever heard a worm?

Stop. All right, shut the lights off. Was he married? All right, that's it. Show's over. Show's over, everybody. Show is over. Thank you, everybody.

Thanks for coming. Oh, and if you're, if you are a, if you paid for the meat and green VIP thing, stick around, sit up front. Thank you, everybody. Thanks, Columbus. Appreciate it. Hey, Dullabellup fans.

Hey, Dallup fans. I know you love the dollar. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.