The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 161- The Past Times with Kirsten Michelle Cills

Episode Date: February 15, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Kirsten Michelle Cills! SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH Rocketmoney  Mint MobileHims 

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. All right, welcome to the pastimes. Why? We're trying to keep it light, and it's called a warm-up.

It's a podcast. You know what we do here. Each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history, picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. Garreth Reynolds have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great. Kirsten, Michelle, Silas. Thank you for joining us, Kirsten.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for having me. How are things? How you're on the road? Boyden this comes out, you might be in Philly. What is your website if people want to go see you? Yeah, my website is KirstenMichel.com, and Kirsten is spelled K-I-R-S-T-E-N. Yes.

Does that become a problem for people? They don't know to spell that name? because they're doing they're doing Kirsten. They're doing Kirsten. They're doing Kirsten. They're doing Kristen. They're doing Christine Dave.

It's a wild ride. Christine Dave is just makes no sense. It does if you think of it. Who the fuck are these people? No, well, that's great. Well,

thank you for being here, Kirsten. I saw you on Instagram and I saw your stand-up and I thought you were funny. Hell yeah. Thank you. I saw it.

Thank you. Very good. That I started watching it. And I agree. And then we got into a competition over who's a big, yeah, who's a, who's a bigger fan. And then we had a fist fight. And we had a fist fight. So.

And who won? Of course, I won. Dave won because he hit me with a car when he said the fight was over. I have a disturbing tenacity. But at the end of this, you do have to pick a favorite. So it's just, I'm so sorry to put you through it. It's just been a whole fucking thing. Well, maybe it's the guy who stormed out when she showed up.

For what it's worth, I'm already a. listener, so I do already have a favorite. But I won't reveal that until the other. Great, that's great. You just hold on it at the end. And I think for us, it'll be important for us to compete a little bit throughout the episode. Yeah, it can change at any time also.

I want to say that. Okay, great. That's great to know. That's great to know. I mean, I just think that's so. That was such a fair way to do it, too. And I just love that about you. Go ahead, asshole.

This is getting pathetic. You selfish prick. Yeah. Dave killed his dad. You already, as soon as you showed up, you stormed out of the room. So you're in the hole right now. I see. stormed out for good reason.

I had to save two kids who got hit in the building. Yeah, they got hit by. This is an office building. Huh? This is an office building. Oh, boy. God, I'm having the best time. I'm just loving this. All right.

Well, oh. Oh, yeah, you got to guess a year. Yeah, just randomly guess a year. Okay. Wait, I'm going to be honest, guys. I, having listened to a lot of pastimes episodes, I always thought you were showing the guests something in your hand. Isn't that great?

No. Isn't that great that we don't? Wow. It's worse than that. It's so awful and dumb. Well, why don't you show her, why don't you show her the shower?

Yeah. How's that? Okay. That is informative. Do you want to give you a clue to the city? The city's Philadelphia. Go ahead. Go birds.

I'm going to say, so what's the, it can be on. just not this year, right? It won't be this year. It's old. It'll be old. It'll be 1900s and 1800s. Let's do 1907.

I think it's a great guess. That's a very good guess. Thank you. 1919. You're wrong. Shut up. You're wrong. Whatever.

It is 1898. You were closer. Kirsten, Christine, Dave wins. 1898. Okay. March 17th, 1898. The Philadelphia Inquirer, the paper of the bad sports fans. We were talking about that when you're out of the room.

I was listening. She admitted to it. She said she's got in street fights. Oh, really? She's been arrested. I said it's my worst quality. Yeah, I'm a big go for it. You've been arrested for it?

No. Oh, no. I stabbed Donovan McNabb. She punched a cop horse out on the street there. Well, to be fair, it's still a cop. just doesn't know it Why men bear their age better than women Oh Christ

That's a headline We're just doing headlines Everybody gets it Right A writer in the home doctor Written by a man Yeah totally A writer in the home doctor

So it's a paper called the home doctor Home doctor's a great publication That's actually got to come back That's Dr Oz's website Yeah that magazine has to come back right The Home Doctor? Oh yeah The Home Doctor

sounds like it's run by some sort of MLM mom who's a boss babe. She, like, runs her own business. Yeah. Yeah. And she DMs me about essential oils. Yeah. I've got milk. I've got special milk.

Speaking of essential oils, how has it gone with you? Huh? Oils? Your face oils? Oh, serums. Did you oil today? You call them serums? Yeah, they're syrims.

But they're oils, mostly. This is a very weird moment for everybody. Garrett is shiny because he oils his face. I was going to say he is glowing. Yeah. I like, see, glowing. That's different. You hear that?

There's a big distinction. Yeah. Greasy. Everyone observes that men retain their youth longer than women. Everybody. Yep. After 50, men are erect, active. Men are erect?

Yeah. Okay. This is where the... After 50, men are erect. This is actually the lying part. Famously. Yeah, famously. After 50.

Famously. Finally. Boners. That's my website, by the way. Finally Boners? Yeah. That's a good one. Gray hair, to be sure, but fresh colored and bright-eyed.

God, this is so fucking funny for a man to be like, men are great. I'm not having a midlife crisis. Let me tell you why men crush it after 50. Boy, you've never seen something harder or prettier. Sure, they're gray, but it works perfect. Now we're going to go on a description of women at 50. Ready?

Women at 50 are corpses. just dried out pruned it's like mold uh at 50 women are gray-haired doll-eyed wrinkled and colorless and i've always said that yes yeah i think kirsten i mean why don't you speak to how true that is because that's just well i was thinking yeah how old are you guys i'm 75 75 and 12 yeah i'm 30 but i was thinking i do look like i could be your the mom to both of you guys because i'm 30 now uh yeah absolutely And it only gets worse for women. It just becomes really. It gets really.

We're just hard. By the time you're 50, you're colorless. You're completely colorless. You're like a see-through essentially. You're the color of Stephen Miller. Rock hard, but we can't not get an erection. Oh, it's a nightmare. It is a nightmare.

What a plight. Okay, ready? Why is the difference? Because for 25... I know why. The crushing sense. sensation of society on your back versus do whatever you want.

Because for 25 years or so, men have been eating good substantial Epicurean lunches in the society of their fellow men downtown, while women have been having toast and tea and cold sliced meat with children at home. This is absolutely fucking bonkers. What a fucking psycho. What the fuck?

What is this? This guy, this is this like the kind of person where you'd be like, I'm hating this conversation with this person. Women are eating toast with children. Men are among their friends eating porks. Shrimp. Shrimp. This also feels like it was so blatantly written by a guy who's gay, the way he's speaking about men, right? Yeah.

We just like to get together and do manhangs. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a fucking lunatic. That will apply in some cases. cases, but we know plenty of O-T-N-E-R-S. Others? Oh, it must be others.

Oh. The top of the H is gone. We know of plenty of others where the reverse is true, especially at a little earlier period. The men of 40 are hollow-eyed, deceptic and worn out. Deceptic is hilarious. Dispeptic? Dispeptic?

Yeah. Dispeptic and worn out, while the women look like morning glories after a heavy due. Okay, wait. So he's saying... We have 40? He's saying women in their 40s look crushing. They, they, they,

well, men look dead. And then it's 50. He's like, they're better at 40 than they arguably might have been at 30 or 20. Is that what he's implied? Like 40 is the, it's a very strange individual.

It sounds like, it sounds like he's saying women are peaking at 40 and then men are, men are crushed at 40. And then men have a comeback. And then 50 hits and men, yeah, men bounce back. And women take a, a nosedive.

Women go through men and men start having affairs in their 50s. Well, I mean, hold on. Okay, dokey. I didn't, uh, no way he said, not intended.

Okay, okay. Oh, okay, okay, now we're back. We're back. I was a little, it felt accusatory. And it's, uh, it's a life. Later, however, the conditions are likely to change again.

And from... At 60 men fall apart and women are the most fuckable. And from, And then at 70, men become fucking gorgeous and women must be killed. This article has never made me more grateful for the fact that I have a terminal illness and I'm not going to make it past 30-something. This is like the best.

This is a fucking disaster. By the way. We just hit the audience with that, by the way. Oh, yeah, dark. It was a joke. But with the way society is going, it. Yeah. There has to be, we were just talking about this, the general will to live inside of me is draining.

Yeah. Yeah. I am blessed if nothing. I understand that. Some people talk about what it's like to get to certain ages and I'm just like my fucking condolences, dude. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really trying to hang around for this party. This seems like it's going in the right direction. Oh my God, 20 more years of not going to get to worry about. my fucking credit score. Oh my God. You're going to miss all the terrible climate change stuff. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so the rock hard men. Okay, later, yes, back to the rock hard men. Later, however, the conditions are likely to change again. And from 50 to 60, the menus do they have the best of it? Whether this is owing to the food or... This is in 1898, they're like at 60.

Like, they're dying at 60. It's crazy. I was crazy. Did they make it to 60? No. Like this guy's like, at 60, you're finally doing it, right. Whether this is owing to the food or constitutional differences, it is hard to determine, but probably the latter. He just said it was food earlier. Yeah, he did.

You said it was food, sir. Who knows? Is it food? Who's to say? Probably the latter had a good deal to do with it. So he's saying, maybe the food, whatever. At any rate, no women ever got old because she confined herself to plain food. And no man ever retained his youth by devouring lobster salad. a page de frugra and gin foie gras and gin

foie gras and yeah go ahead I feel like I'm reading a math problem oh no I don't I honestly so no woman has ever gotten old by eating what was that toast toast is what I heard yeah yeah confining yourself to plain food no man has never got

no man has ever retained his youth by devouring lobster salad and foie gras frog de gras you know when you read an article and you're like I feel like I know less than when I started. Yes. Yep. Like actually got,

I got worse. Yes. That's how I feel. I know. I completely agree. This is what it's like. By the end, I, even specifically to his point, he was like, men are eating pork together.

It's awesome. And then at the end he's like, food, probably not. What? Also, we're straight. We have women in our lives. We're married. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Eat no meat at all. Become a vegetarian. They always have beautiful skin. Oh, well. I take it you're a vegetarian. Well, take a look at me.

Can't you tell by my cucumber shine? Well, I'm not eating pork. I'll tell you that much. Once in six weeks or so, eat a mail of fresh meat. Is this a menu? Don't worry about it. paper. Maybe it's just a, maybe it's just about food. Do yourself a favor. Have a meat day. This is also back when vegetarians were not vegetarians for ethical reasons, right? They were just

vegetarians because they were poor. Yes, right. Yeah, probably. Yes, for sure. Forced into potatoes. You weren't like, I'm kind of a health nut. I love animals. Someone's, someone's vegetarian, but they're still like they're willing to take one or two meat days a month. Like every vegetarian, we know so famously is down for that. Yeah. I'm having a meat day. Please respect my privacy in this time. I'm going to eat a sheep. You also, you weren't just because you're poor, but there were also people in cults.

Those are the two reasons you were vegetarian. Oh, you would eat. Oh, yeah. But the leader of the cult was eating like all the poor. I was going to say, Daddy was eating good tonight, no, he just has a cow in there he would chew on. Yeah, and then he'd come out like with a shiny mouth. You weren't eating meat where he's like, no, radd-that's a radishy mouth.

Heaven's going to be great. Once in six weeks or so eat a meal of fresh meat. This does a way with the tendency to scurvy that cause of the vegetarian. Why would a vegetarian get scurby? Because scurvy comes from citrus. That's what I mean. Yeah. Vitamin D or something.

Yeah, it's D, I think. Right. Okay. So this guy doesn't. This guy, again, back to back where another guy's like, I'm an idiot. And that's going to come across slowly. But they gave me a pen and a paper. So what's a man to do?

I'm getting paid to put stuff in this paper, but I am incredibly dumb. Drink as much water as you can. Eat little grease and touch no tea or coffee. I'm out. Yeah, I'll. Fuck you. Your breakfast may be oatmeal and oranges. Your dinner fruit, nuts, fruit tea, preferably quirk.

T, gram muffins, cauliflower croquettes, marmalade. What kind of fucking fit? Wow. Yeah, it's weird. Dishes. I'll be honest. For the Philadelphia Inquirer this time. What was the average income?

Because what's this dude making? Who's writing this, right? Yes. I'm going to be honest, this is literally what my mother is, my mother's diet. Read it again. This is what my mother eats in a day. And I'm not fucking kidding. Omeal.

Orange is. Nutts, fruit tea. Nutts tea. Quince tea? Sure. Graham muffins. That's a little much for her. Crackers.

Coliflower croquettes? Yes. Marmalade. Air fryer. Marmalade. Dishes of stewed vegetables. No. Okay.

But for the most part. We're pretty close. Yes. My mother will be like, I'm air frying some oxygen. What? How many cups of tea have you had today? She's like, 45. We went out to dinner in the night and she had fries.

Oh, yeah. She did have fries. Yeah. Yeah. That was it though. That's it. Does she look good? She does.

Yeah. Yeah. But she also, she like, this is what happened. I try to, you know, let her do her thing, but I will sometimes just be like, have you eaten today? You know, it'll be, oh, I'm not hungry. Well, have you eaten today? Oh, I've had loads.

What have you had? Oh, my God. What haven't I had? What did you eat today? I had two olives and almond, 31 cups of tea. My mouth was open when I walked. I'm full from that. I eat loads of things.

I like how she answers the question. Like she's lying on the stand, but she's trying to get away with it. She's not incriminating herself. No. She's insulted by the premise. And then she'll be like, I ate one chito.

I'm stuffed. Gareth, what have you eaten today? It's just. Gareth, what have you eaten today? It's so stupid. What have you eaten today? It's so stupid that you're doing this. What have you eaten today?

I have food here and I will be eating it too. Just tell. And two I'll be eating. Tell Kirsten what you've eaten today. Two I'll eat. I've had nothing today. At two, I'll eat. Interesting.

Okay. I've eaten loads. Yeah. And then you're going to have like eight eggs? Eight. How many eggs? I'll have six. Leave me.

Go fuck yourself. Are you a six eggs daily person? Is that the deal? Minimum. This is a history show. No. you two are doing is crazy minimum what you're not taking to account gareth is that this will eventually be history as soon as tomorrow arguably and this might be something that people have a

podcast in the future about so you're actually being a little selfish by not answering that's just one girl's opinion but yeah that girl's right thank you i have six eggs a day minimum that's all we needed do you ever have more than six eggs a day i really feel like history isn't not going to smart. Yeah. Sometimes I'll have more. It depends. Dave's never happier.

Who did you tell the story to about the, oh, yeah, the Sclars. I told the Sclars. My favorite egg story is we got out of the van. We're on, you know, we're on tour. We're in the middle of nowhere. And I got a van. I go to gas it up, and then I'm walking into the store there, and I hear a crack, and Gareth has cracked a hard-boiled egg

on the back bumper of the van. No. Just a little something to take the edge off. Something he had in his pocket. That's addict behavior if I've ever heard it. On the road, dude. Every woman at that gas station was like, who's that sick cat? Who!

Who! Who's that bumper egg crushing machine? The diet is not so bad when you get used to it. I agree. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. In large towns, you will find one or two restaurants catering to such as you. I don't know what just happened. It was like he's against, he's against vegetarians, but he's also saying they should eat meat.

It is weird that there's like two vegetarian restaurants in the 1890s. Yeah, it's really, I don't know what's happened. They were probably like putting meat in, they were like, this is a vegetarian. Yeah. Chicken. Chicken is a vegetable. Chicken. Chicken is the barking vegetable.

I think Preston's doing something to us because this is another food one. Jesus Christ. Chinese dinners. One last night, another scheduled for this evening. Real quick, do we think they're going to be actually Chinese or do we think that's a blanket term for Asian that they're using? It's not a one and exactly. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Yeah. It's going to be a Hawaiian dish. This Chinese food is from Tokyo. This Thai Chinese isn't as good as the Korean Chinese. It has become quite a fad to give formal dinners of which every course is distinctly Chinese. Okay. It is amazing. It is amazing how, like, racism never makes it to the taste buds.

We are so food addicted that we will just, like, even with America, like, when all those ice agents went to a Mexican restaurant the other night. And they were like, yeah, get the fuck out. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Like, well, your food's great. I love your culture. Just get the fuck out. Why are you so confused by my oxymoronic behavior?

No, my dad's like that. My dad will vote for Trump any day of the week and then we'll go to a Chinese restaurant. He'll say, he'll be like, Shay, Shay, it's like, thank you when they come by. I'm like, oh, you know Chinese now? Oh, yeah. You fucking know it? The food is good. Oh, shit.

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There's a lot more applicable ones that they could, like an app or a streamer or something like that, maybe. I don't know what you're talking about. My son, Roblox, that was the one. that thing was on there forever until I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that credit card. And my kid subscribed to that thing. That thing's out. Gone. Gareth, you had a Green Bay Packers radio situation that you paid for forever, even though you just wanted to hear one game. Multiple things.

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school scholars gave a banquet to their friends and teachers. Then the one given very recently by the Christian League to some 200 of its friends greatly surpassed this. And following closely upon this are two additionally elaborate ones, one being given last night and the other two take place tonight. It's literally what's happening. They're fucking Chinese. It's like, you know how good Chinese food is?

They just discovered. They're like, what? What the fuck? Their pan is like domed. It's crazy. This is amazing. He's also so eager to get us all out there. It's like it's a bringer show.

He's like, you gotta see this guy. It's tonight. You got to see this guy. He's unbelievable. This guy's crushing. This guy is so Chinese. This guy is awesome. My name at the door, 20% on.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. When you're a kid, Chinese food is there's nothing better. It's really great. I mean, it's the best. Yeah, there is something special with that. the sugary ass sauce. Oh, just like the shit.

Yeah. You got general so. Oh, it's like orange chicken or lemon chicken. Here's a fun story. One time I was so hung over that I went to go get a orange chicken from a Panda Express. And I went in there and they were like, it was in a grocery store. And they were kind of, everyone was ignoring me. And then someone was like, can we help you?

And I was like, can I get a family size orange chicken? Remember, just for me. And they go, it's 9.30. We open at 10. It was 9.30 in the. morning and I was like this is a pathetic moment. Oh man. Did you have a hard-boiled egg on you?

Okay. You know what? All right. Trying to share and no, no, no. It's fine. I'm just trying to figure out how you problem solved that. I got eggs in the fridge. I'll fuck.

I'll get an egg now. Is this restaurant B-Y-O-E or? What's your egg deal? Sushi has an egg. It's an egg sushi. God damn it. It is. It's cooked, though.

Yeah, it is. But Tamago, that's what it's called. It's amazing. Oh, yeah, no, those are eggs. You're right, yeah, the little, right? No, no, there's like actual, like a big egg square. Is it in, oh, so it's just a square egg? Just sits on rice.

It's perfect. So it's like a scrambled, a scrambled square egg situation. I don't know if it's scrambled. It's a whole, you're coming off racist. I'm just going to tell you. In Lee Cheese Restaurant, that's probably not his name, In Li Chi's restaurant last night, the women who have come become the teachers and advisors of the members of the Chinese YMCA. The Chinese.

What just happened? The Young Men China Association. Is this what every YMCA had different? That's the Japanese YMCA. That's the Chinese. I'll say. Well, they used to, they did locker rooms by age at the Y because I went there when I was a kid. And it was like seven to 15.

And then it was like once you were 15 and you went into the men's locker room, you were like, sweet mother of God. It's just like dudes who are like, penises are very important to show. And I was like, oh my God. And you got to wonder what happened that made that rule have to happen, right? Because I don't feel like that's a current rule. No. Like once they're cut off of 15 to 14 and all of a sudden they're like, you can see a huge dick all of a sudden. Yeah.

Little, little, yeah. You graduated. It was an eye-opening experience. Yeah. I think every kid is shocked the first time he goes into a gym. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Well, I was like, dude, there would be like old men.

Old men. Like with their legs up on a sink, like powdering their old balls. And I'd be like, what? Old men would love to walk around naked. And it'd just be like, yeah. Did you work out your arms today? You'd be like, sir, I can see your lunch. Did they still do that, though?

Is that a thing? Yes. That, like, old men still get naked in the gym like that? Never ended. I don't know what happens. It's not going to happen. It doesn't happen. I don't know.

But I guess that something happens. You know how you become hot at 50? At 60, you're just sort of just like, I should be showing my balls. Everyone should see. You should have the little towel crack up front so that it's covering your bum, but everyone can see your penis and balls. Yeah, it doesn't end.

I don't know what's going on there. No, it's crazy. And the powdering. And they're just hanging out. Yeah, you got to put talcum on your balls. The restaurant was gaily decorated And the hundred guests discussed a very enjoyable collation Chinese food

Everything was Chinese and the affair was quite a formal That was being thrown around with it This food's delicious Imagine the things they were saying Oh horrendous Tonight the Christian League will repeat It's successful dinner of a few weeks ago And preparations to note

That the banquet will be more satisfactory from a culinary point of view, one or two American dishes have been inserted in the menu. Of course, there it is. There it is. Pizza, American. French fries, American. This is a good one for you, Garrett. It's the dream of death.

Do we have any food? What is American food? Like burgers. Oh, that's burgers. Hamburg? Hamburg. I think that they are German. I agree.

Oh, are they? I thought we were. Inventing burgers. Well, the Hamburg. Oh, shit. I don't think we have much culture in America. We have nothing. We're a culmination of appropriation.

What about the bloom and onion? Bloom and Onion is American, and we say it's Australian. The only thing we don't take credit for. Yeah. No, it's actually, it's not fair to say we don't have American culture when we have Bass Pro Shops in every major city. Yes. That is unabashedly American culture.

Yes. Ranch. Yeah. Ranch. Ranch. French dressing is American. Southern barbecue. Southern barbecue.

There it is. Yep. Okay. Maryland, cram chowder, lobster rolls, Philly cheese steak. Goberts. And then we got Louisiana,

Creole per go birds. Crawfish, Jambalaya. Okay. And then Southwest Tex-Mex is considered. Tex-Mex. To say that Tex-Mex is considered American. It's so funny. Oh, our breakfast are super American.

Yes pancakes, waffles, sausages Okay, all right, okay All right Okay, so we have some But again, you look at this and it just says A lot of the good actual other foods are I would even argue those have nothing to do

With colonizers There's an ABC here of Well, they have English muffins You can't, how is How is an English muffin in American food? We invented the English muffin We invited a French fry Hamburg was invented in Michigan

Pizza's ours We invented Chinese food I mean really if you go through What is considered What is considered American food It's all shit that's terrible Fried fish Yeah grilled cheese sandwiches

Grill cheese is a pathetic Cheez burgers Hash browns We put cheese in bread Tater tots And then we toast it And then we toast it I would say Tater Tots

is peak American food. Like that's my brother. Yeah, anything we served in like a school lunch and a public school feels very, very chicken sandwiches. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like just grilled on season chicken on two pieces of white bread from Cisco. Yeah. And then, well, actually, I guess mozzarella sticks are probably

still considered Italian in some way. Tell her. Tell her. Oh, what do you know? Say it. What do you know? I've never had a fried mozzarella stick.

He's never had mozzarella sticks. It's crazy. Look at her face. on what grounds? Yeah, I agree. I'll say one. Well, this guy man, an egg attacked me twice during the show. And no, he's like, don't put the match, really my mess.

The first reason is it's always seemed insanely unhealthy to eat fried cheese. But the second reason is because it just doesn't sound good to me. What else do you eat? Do you draw the line of any unhealthy foods? No, I eat unhealthy foods all the time. Like, I'll sit down and have a bucket of fries. I'm not saying there's any consistency. Bucket is an extremely disturbing way of having that.

That's American food culture. That is a bucket. Yeah. I'll have a tub of tater tots. But I like, I don't eat fast food, really. He eats good food quickly. That's American culture. So I'm a little healthy, but, you know.

So really never a mozzarella stick? It's crazy. Never had one. Have you ever? You know, when you go places and they're not in stick form? They're like the TGI Fridays. They're like a trials. angle or something.

Yeah, they give you like a combination. Is that supposed to be mixing it up? Like that's supposed to be interesting? Who are you yelling? She's asking you a fair question. But why? What? So.

There's a different way to have. A mozzarella triangle? Dave, I'll walk you through. What do we do? We're trying to figure it if you hate mozzarella sticks or if you're a piece of shit. And so far it seems like you're a piece of shit. Haven't heard of an ounce of evidence otherwise. Yeah.

But keep in mind, a favorite will be announced at the end of the episode. And you're just sitting here fucking waffling around. A lot of pros, a lot of cons, too. Yeah, a lot of cons. I also have never had, like, the jalapeno poppers things. Sweet. I think I've just stayed. Your honor.

Your honor, this man cannot even go to a bowling alley. Just Dave saying he's never been invited to a Super Bowl party before. How is the Dave? Dave's way of saying I only hang out in Europe. Never had a fucking jalapeno popper. Come on, dude. I haven't. I don't even know what it is.

I just know the name. What is it? You don't know what it is. I really don't know what it is. It's a jalapeno. It's cheese, jalapeno, deep fried, and something's popping when you bite. Is it inside the pepper? I don't know.

Okay, yes. I used to be the manager of a Mexican restaurant, and I can tell you what's very important is that the jalapeno, it was in a very white area. The jalapinos themselves that they use have to have no heat whatsoever. They have to eat. It tastes like you're eating a fucking bell pepper so that white people can take them out. Because the issue is no non-white people are going to eat jalapeno poppers in the first. place. They're going to eat actually good Mexican food.

You know, right. That's the problem. What are you saying right? You're the guy who's never had one. Yeah, because I am, I am the most... Say it. Say pure. I'm the most Mexican. I know you want to. I'm the most Mexican person in this room. Oh, fuck. Okay. Crazy thing. That just happened.

Do a family who, can we clip that, first of all? First of all, that's the clip. My family are from Irish, but Irish are the, Irish are the Mexicans of both America. Dave's ice. They're talking like what someone says when they don't want you to know that they are ices. Yeah. I'm European and not from around here. I don't like hotels, but I'm staying in one.

I've met some cool dudes on this trip. I miss my family. Financially, I'm insolvent. Look, I'm sorry. I've made some culinary decisions in my life and I'm sticking to them. I'm going to die without ever eating a mozzarella stick, taking that to my grain. I really think you might like what you find if you were to just give it a,

just a nibble or something. I think you would be happy with the result. I enjoy cheese a lot. I don't think it should be deep fried. I actually going to say, I stay away from a lot of deep fried stuff. I eat fries that are deep fried. What did you tell me the other day you'd never been to?

You said something the other day. I was like, what? There's like a fast food plate. Yeah, Wendy's never been to. Wendy's. Never? It's crazy. Did you have parents?

Parents? You were raised in a human house? Yeah. I don't think we had a lot of Wendy's where I was growing up in northern California. It's still not an excuse. I didn't grow up around Jack in the Boxes. I've had it. I went to Jerry Box all the time.

Yeah. I mean, we go there. Jack in the box. The most unhealthy. We're hammered. We're driving. It's wrong. The most unhealthy thing in the world that I absolutely love were.

jack in the box little tacos. It's just, go back to the fucking it's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. I'm eating some fucking mozzarella. Look, if I'm in a nice, fancy

place like TGI. Shut up. I'm going top shelf. I don't know. Fried cheese? Hey, do you have those tiny tacos with human meat? You,

you absolute buffoon. You've added yourself as a complete idiot. I mean, I haven't had the, I haven't had the chocolate tacos in like 30 years. I haven't had a mozzarella stick in seven years, but I know what it is. And I get back. I don't like Arby's, but I've been to Arby's. Yeah.

I've also never had Arby's. Oh, sweet God. All right, whatever. And they have the meats. Dream of death some months ago and the aged man, the aged man, told his wife and a few of his most intimate associates in the home. Intimate associates. Let's do the meeting in bed. I've got wandering fingers

that he had a dream and that therein he had a premonition of his coming transition to the other world wait, sorry, I'm gonna need you to start from the top again

who is this guy who's like, it just says the aged man it doesn't say who he is. The age man told his wife yeah, that's it. He's a mystery. Okay.

And a few of his most... This is in a paper. Yes. Honey, the aged man had a dream premonition of the other side, I guess. Told his wife and a few of his most intimate associates in the home that he had had a dream and that they're in a premonition.

I invited you over tonight. Of his coming transition to the other world. So I'm going to die, and I thought we'd have some Chinese. I'm going to become a butterfly. So that'll be interesting for everybody. All right, that's it He was informed in some manner He could not explain how

That he was to manufacture his own coffin So the dream actually had a pretty weird message I guess I got a self-berry I don't know This was in the dream someone told him this It was a premonition Yeah, he was told to make his own coffin Oh by the way, make your own coffin

Wait, what? Oh fuck, I don't know how to do that That's a lot of work Yeah, it's crazy. And he was, and to assist him in that task, a complete design of his last resting place appeared to him. So he saw, he saw his coffin on like tomb or whatever.

Sure. Okay. It was composed of two kinds of wood. All right. Now, it just, this sounds like a guy fucking with people. That's a lot. Used in certain proportions,

and the lid and sides of the casket were elaborated as he had never seen. one in his life. So he's imagining coffins. Okay. So he's implying he has never seen a coffin, but he independently got to the idea of a coffin correctly in a dream. And he's never seen one.

He's probably heard, read about them, I would imagine. But now he visualized one, which is in my mind inventing coffins. Yeah, I agree. Well, yeah, but how much variety could there be? It's a lot. Right. We say it's a box, right? Yeah.

What would be impressive is if he took liberties. Like he took the concept of a coffin and it was a different shape or something. It was a secret. A horn. I like the secret thing. It's like when the magician puts all the swords through the box. Yep. That'll be mine.

I want to be standing up and at the end you can all put swords through it. That's a dream. These are my wishes. Then I had a dream about it. Fantastic designs. I'm an aged man. I'm an aged man. Have I told anyone how I describe myself?

Fantastic designs of peculiar but most exquisite workmanship were wrought upon the cover. These were done with different colored woods. Spending your time being like, I'm making my coffin. Okay. Before the vision passed from him. Boy, it's a lot harder to make one of these than the dream guy said. Looks like a log ride. This thing's fucking terrible.

He was informed he came. What? Before the vision passed... It was a wet dream. Before the vision passed from him... Have you ever had a wet death premonition? Yeah. I woke up all sticky.

Before the vision passed from him, he was informed, he claimed, that such was to be the casket in which he was to be buried and that he was to be making of it. Yeah, we know. Also, I should point out, I go in the casket.

Yeah, we get it. Mr. Jones was a cabinet maker by trade. And as, okay, so he already knows woodwork. Sure. Okay. And as now that makes this whole, knowing that makes me think this whole thing is an ad for his coffin services, right? Yeah, that's right. The way he's fucking, like two kinds of wood.

You've never seen anything fucking like this before. You're going to want to get it. This is great. I'm dreaming caskets. Are you guys on shop? And as such, fully appreciated the task before him. He decided to carry out the instructions he imagined he had received and accordingly procured the necessary materials.

Wood. Intimate associates. Intimate associates, the men I can touch. One meeting room, my bedroom. There we are. Hammer, nails. And that'll do it. A couple of drinks if we're having fun, which we are.

Let's keep a little loose, boys. gallon of gin. Two woods. Now, how do you mix woods together? I've never... That was a weird part. He never got into that. So for several weeks last fall, with Plainhammer and Saw, he labored diligently preparing his casket.

His fellow inmates watched him now what's... I don't know. Watched him curiously, but he vouchsafed... I have no idea that word. That's where someone tells you they'll give you suit of it. Little or no information. until his doings came to the notice of the board of managers and they talked it over. Who is that?

I don't know what's happening. I don't know. I don't know what's happening. They talked it over, but decided it was of so little importance that the old man should not be interfered with. And they thought he would forget all about it. And then the coffin would be removed. Well, calling him the old man right off the bat after we've been told he's the aged man.

Aged man. Which I was picturing as like capital A, capital. and like that's his moniker or whatever you want to call that. Yes. Yes. Now I'm realizing they were just describing a man politely. Aged man. Oh my God.

Somehow the way this was laid out, I missed the beginning of this. Oh, that is honestly a huge release. Because that was like the fucking weird. I was like, what, how did this end up in here? And then we'll put some journal entries in the paper. An age man. Okay. Now, so Evan P. Jones.

an intentionally religious president of the Methodist Episcopal home for the aged. Now it comes together. All right. I'm here thinking this is an anonymous. This man doesn't even want to be identified. Yeah, it felt like a poem. The aged man. He died in that institution on Sunday afternoon from pneumonia

after having made every possible preparation for the disposal of his remains and even the manufacturer was on coffin. Mr. Jones was 86 and was one of the most popular and useful occupants of this Methodist institution. He had been an inmate there since 1896

and he and his wife, Jane, who was 18 years as junior, were admitted from the church. So all of this with the associates was, this all was happening in prison already? No, it's in the Episcopal home for the age. So it's an old folks home. Oh, okay. But this was not, this was not his marital home.

This was a group home. He's having everyone come to get his bed for the meeting. Yes. Okay. Yes. It's still crazy. It's still crazy. But having heard the back half, that's what's enjoyable about the way this got unfurled,

because now you're like, Oh, okay, that makes sense When it still makes no sense, but it's just there's context to how little sense it makes. Yeah, Dave, have you considered doing what you just did more often on this show? Now I'm thinking it's a good idea.

Yeah. Backwards details. Confusing, confusing stories. Change the name of the podcast. Have you had mozzarella sticks? Is that any other mistouch? No, according to this, it kills people. He continued to build

until he had before him a counterpart of the coffin he saw in the vision, and then he awaited death. in only one particular he had deviated from the instructions he thought he received and that was as to the size the proportions he thought were too large so he reduced them so he thought it was too big he's like you know what that was last fall and the coffin was left undisturbed in the shop it was a triumph of the cabinet maker's art and difference he didn't he ever seen he made an amazing coffin it was too big and he scaled it down yeah and then What?

The vision, the, the, that is an awesome detail. The numbers that came in the vision. He took him forever. They were like, you built a home. What's a coffin? He's like, I don't need all this space. It's just me. Oh, boy.

How many bathrooms do you put in a coffin? I did two and a half. A week ago Sunday, he was taking ill and grew worse, dying Sunday beside his wife who was also down with pneumonia and when it's expected to die. Oh, shit. Together. They died together? I like that.

But she was 18 years younger. Because he gave her pneumonia. Yeah. He was like, you're coming with him. He's like, I built this coffin big enough for two of us. Yeah.

We're going to do. We're not reopening. We'll do head to toes. Yeah. The Eternal 69, darling. That's beautiful. It is. And prepare for his.

funeral, it was found that his cherished hope could not be complied with as the coffin was slightly too small. So they couldn't fit him in. The vision was right. My God. But you scaled it down the first time? It's scaled down too much. Oh, he Goldilocks. He goldilocks the coffin. You got to crack the legs.

Oh, my God. To be too small. I hope so. Too small. Have the family turn around. So they, yeah. It's like trying to shut your suitcase in a rush. Yeah. Someone sit on it.

Sit on it. We can get them in. Take the clothes off. Maybe that'll make a little more room. I mean, take that big hat off him. I insist on my wearing my hat. I have my hat.

That's it. They buried them in a different coffin. And his wife was not buried with him or she was. No, it doesn't sound like it. Nope. Imagine married someone. Eighths. 18 years older than you and still dying at the same fucking

Yeah, it's bullshit. He killed her. He got the moon yet. He killed her. To a certain extent. He killed. He murdered her. What are we even talking about?

He killed the lady. He built the coffin and he killed her. Good Lord. How much longer are we going to go through? The man killed her with his mouth. It's not a murder mystery. We know what happened. He mouth murdered her.

He killed the lady. Good Lord. Oh, boy. Yeah, 18 years. That's crazy. Okay, so this whole article, though, was written, like, I don't know if they did newspapers back then like this, but was there in a certain section? Like, was it news or was it more like lifestyle? Well, it's not lifestyle.

This would be a news. Yeah. Absolutely. News news. Sports page. Back then it was just like a wall of, like, text. Like, it wasn't like, they really didn't compartmentalize stuff. You know what?

I just realized the phones has really stopped the in-bathes. bathroom graffiti. Go ahead. Go on. What do you? What? Think about it. We used to have time and we'd be in there bored and we'd be like,

yeah, now we got phones. Yeah, we're not bored. We're in there like, okay. You literally just thought of that during this. I think it's a,

about the coffee guy. I think it's a testament to the safe space that all of us have created for everybody else on this podcast. It feels curated in a really, in a really nice way. I think that's exactly. Exactly right. Yeah.

Does anyone else have something they want to share? Yeah. Any revelations you're into? I love cheese, but I don't eat cheese. Anything else? I eat cheese. It doesn't need to be distorted. I also don't eat grilled cheese sandwiches.

I probably had a couple of my life. They can go fuck themselves. You. I agree to that. I hate cheese. You hate cheese. But I love mozzarella sticks. Yeah.

See, this, yes. Yes. Yes. I'll eat pizza. I don't like it between bread. I don't like hot cheese. Pizza's delicious. I didn't say it in like hot cheese.

Everyone's laughing at you and they're in their cars. I don't enjoy. And everyone is laughing at you. I'm checking our numbers and people are dropping off this episode because you started riffing on your cheese stuff. Declared himself. Denied being a thief and wanted it known who he was. A man who has said his name was Neville Cook.

I'm Neville Cook. And claimed to live on Haverford Avenue was arrested early yesterday morning by Watchman Tuft of the City Hall Force on suspicion of attempting to rob James Carroll of 1511 Ramstead Street, a newspaper dealer who sells papers at 19th in Chestnut. It's too many addresses.

I know where all these places are. I can go to the scene of the crime. Do you really? To check in later, yeah. Is that possible? Is it crazy for you to go there now and just take your computer. That's awesome.

Thank you so much. Let me grab my other tank. Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, now I feel bad that you said the tank thing. I feel like it's a lot of carrying. If you felt bad enough, you would wear one in solidarity. That's right.

Tell her, I had a tank on before we said, and I said, I don't think it's right. I said, is this crazy? Carol, who is about four feet high. Finally, a detail that's interesting. And four feet high is such a funny way of... Four feet high as opposed to talk because they were like, we can't say tall. He's not tall.

But four feet high. Who just throws that out? It's a crazy one. Was walking through the court... Here's some addresses. This woman was half the size of a rig. This guy was into numbers. But if it's just a kid.

Yeah. Andy, that's a child. That is a four-foot-tall woman and also quite immature. Look at that tiny man. Was walking through the courtyard of the big building shortly after 5 o'clock when Cook threw his overcoat over the diminutive paper seller. Crazy. So he just tossed his jacket on the guy.

He just threw his trench coat over a little man. Hello. Oh, no. Come live with me. you're little. You're wrong, Bobby. They don't disappear when you throw your jacket on him.

He's furious. Look at him. He's livid. What are you upset, bad little man? You're going to put that one of your papers? Oh, you can't see me.

You live with me now. Carol, how did you sleep? Carol thought the man. I'm also wondering how much of it, the truth of him being about four feet high versus like somebody editorializing, like just trying to undercut the shit on this dude.

Yeah, he's like five, six. Yeah, yeah. He's five and a half. Look at this little guy. Carol thought that the man intended to rob him and hurried away and came back with Watchman Tuft, to whom he had made known. His thoughts and Cook was there waiting. I just threw,

obviously, I threw my coat over him because he's small. He's guilty of being a cutie pie. What do you want me to do? He's out here flaunting how tiny and delicious he is. I want a little bit of that gnome thigh. Give me, give me. Your Honor, you're allowed to put a jacket on a baby boy, man. Good Lord. This man's cute.

He thinks he's a grown up. I put my coat on him. I wanted him. If that's a crime, lock me up. Your Honor, if you saw a silly goose, you would do it too, okay? Your Honor, to be fair, this man is adorable. Get over here. He was born to be Bjorn. young man or do I call you boy, young small man? Tiny human groan. Tiny human grown. Do you enjoy being captured by coats? Answer, the judge.

Your Honor, are you mad at me? Are you talking? We can't hear you. You're tiny. The latter had not yet fully recovered from the effects of the liquor when arraigned before magistrate German at 10, clock. He seemed amazed when he was told that he

was suspected of being a highwayman. I'm no thief. Why should I steal what I own three houses? I'm the original Neville Cook and I want everybody to know it. This is that every man in this paper has been out of their fucking

mind. Literally. I'm Neville Cook. We don't care about your name. I'm Neville Cook and I wanted a little paper man. I was going to say, every man in his stories are so proud of who they, so verbal about who they are that I'm starting to not believe them, you know? I know. I don't know if he is Neville Cook.

Good Lord, I built my own coffin. Why is everyone crazy? What the hell? He was committed to prison in default of $600 bail for another hearing tomorrow afternoon. Wow. I mean, that was. That's great. But the story was that he's maybe not guilty.

Isn't that how it started? I mean he was only suspected of declared himself. Oh. Yeah, not. Yeah. So he said he wasn't. He wasn't guilty, but he doesn't understand yet. He's guilty.

But to him, he's like, I'm innocent. Good Lord. If you saw one, you'd want it too. I like LeBoo-Boo's. Is that crazy? Last one. Yeah. shot at the theater. The newspaper

will catch it next from Pastor Neal. Reverend George H. Neal, pastor of the Pittman Method Church, who denounced the dance as being a moral in sermon last Sunday, opened his batteries on the theater this evening. Wow, he's

fucking Philly through and through. He's, what, heaving batteries? He fucking fold him right out, baby. Yeah. That feels like a way, that sounds like a euphemism for exposing yourself. I showed them the batteries. I opened my batteries on that one. Yeah.

Like most evils of our day, the theater has had a long and dark past. It has existed since 600 years before Christ, the theater is the twin sister of the dance. They were both born in heathenism and rocked in the cradle of vice. I agree. I can't even really pull holes in that. I have a college degree in theater and everything he said. Oh, same.

Spot on, maybe. Oh, man. Yeah. Whoops. Then Mr. Neal went on to quote from men of eminence in the world who from time to time had invade against the theater. Clement Scott was quoted in his utterance to the effect that it was almost impossible for a woman to adopt a dramatic career and remain pure. Love that. Wow.

Jesus Christ. I mean. She's not pure. She acts. She is sullied. Good Lord. She was living truthfully through imaginary circumstances, his officer.

Oh, a little Meisner here before, yes. Yeah, yeah. God, Misenor, Jesus Christ. Oh, boy. This guy is talking like he's just someone who failed out of Vader's school and he's so mad about it.

Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. Is the newspaper a safe moral guide will be the subtext of Mr. Neal's school? sermon next Sunday. The answers, no, we just went through it. These sensational sermons have attracted greater crowds than the church can accommodate. That's why he's doing it. Spillover.

Yeah. He's got spillover crowds. He's getting a sellout bonus. Hit the bonus. But again, isn't that always kind of a thing about like when you see those pastors at the like the mega churches and you can tell that they were. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They fucking zip line in. And they're just like this is. Yeah. And these are these are theater people, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It's a sin to make this about you.

This is about the Lord. Now, excuse me while I explode up to the ceiling. It's a smoke machine. Put on angel wings. Yeah, right. Well, Kirsten, thank you for joining us. Guys, thank you. This was dope as hell.

This ruled. Thank you. We'd love to have you back. And I guess it's time to pick the winner. Yeah. Well, a lot of pros, a lot of cons for both. Garrett didn't have as much stage time because he was getting up a lot, just for logistics. Well, that's blocking.

Yeah, but that, I don't feel like, yeah. I was going to say, in a way, though, drawing the eye more. So there's that. Dave had all the info. I mean, you're ignoring the mozzarella. I was exactly just going to say, unfortunately, the mozzarella sticks feels like an unforgivable. Yeah, but when you come to Philly and when you want to get mozzarella sticks, we can have a different conversation.

But until then, we're actually, We're in Philly in March, aren't we? Yeah, we're in Philly in March. Yeah. Oh, great. If you want to come out to the show. I said you'll come out to the show. So that's an order.

And you'll do it. We'll throw our code over you. And where you wake up is where you'll be. Yes. Well, thank you, Kirsten. We look forward to mozzarella sticks. Thank you for joining. Thank you.

It's been real. See you later. Hey. Hey, what's up, Dollheads? This is Gareth Reynolds from the Dollup. The podcast you're listening to. Hey, I've got some very exciting information. If you like movies and you're in the San Jose area, I made a movie.

It's called Give It Up and it will be at the Cinequest Film Festival. You can go to Give It Up Film.com for tickets and information. It'll be March 15th is the main screening. So go to Give It Up Film.com. Also, if you like stand-up comedy, February 4th, I'll be in Spokane, February 5th, Bend, Oregon. Then I'll be in Portland, February 6th, and February 7th. three shows that night. Then I'll be at Flappers in Burbank, February 21st, Bakersfield, February 27th, for two shows. I will be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 19th, Tulsa, Oklahoma, April 21st, Bricktown Comedy in Oklahoma City, April 22nd, Dallas, Texas, April 23rd,

Tyler, Texas, April 24th, finally. Houston, April 25th, two shows, Austin at the Great Cap City, April 26th and then San Antonio April 28th and Tucson April 29th, Gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information, but also if you want to go see my movie and you're in the San Jose area, give it upfilm.com.