The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 166 - The Past Times with Allen Strickland Williams

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and Allen Strickland Williams  SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH  

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd will be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. All right, we're going to go through a fucking newspaper. This is podcasted, baby. Here we go.

Three, two. Welcome to the podcast. It's called The Past Fives. You know what we do are each week. Dave's having a laugh because these intros are getting night. We're fighting them. We go from a... Dave's smiling for those of you who are...

listening. We go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none of them Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest. The great, Alan, Strickland, Williams, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to relive the past.

Yeah. Well, in many ways, we're all doing it, but with a nice little new garnishes. Yeah, we're all living the 40s. It's exciting. The 30s right now, as we're... Yeah, whatever. Who knows what the fuck? Alan, you have a new album called

Ranthru Yeah, it's on Blonde Medicine Records You can get it digitally On like band camp And there's a vinyl pressing too You can find out of the links

Atalculewams.com All that good stuff Yeah, one-liners Crazy trauma stuff Dark stuff Stupid stuff, silly stuff We got it all You know

Sometimes like if you're talking To someone who's You know Doesn't know Like doesn't know comedy that well They'll be like What's your style? And I think I, from now on, we'll say trauma.

That seems like a nice way to sort of frame whatever. It's a good way to shut down, maybe more questions. Yeah, exactly. It's trauma-based. Well, that's great. Well, good for you. Where did you record it? I recorded at the Velvito room in Austin, Texas, which is like, I'm sure you guys have been through there.

Like sort of sort of the right amount of rowdy, right amount of dirty, but. really Pat Dean and everybody there. I love that. I love that club. By the way, write a matter of rowdy, other great album. It's like the,

like the mother ship. That's next. Yeah, we're mothership guys. Yeah, um. Yeah, I thought so.

I thought I saw you guys there last time I was there. Yeah, I mean, we, we fly down there every weekend. Just, even if we're not doing jet sets, just hang out in the green room

and see the guys. Well, I'm doing, I, um, yeah, go ahead. You got a question?

I'll, I'll, I'll tell, I'll tell you this. I was in Austin. I think it was when I was doing my album. And I, a friend of mine who lived in Austin, to should have known better, told me to park the rental car somewhere. And it was like one of those side streets on 6th Street that at, you know, 7.01 PM, they tow everything there.

So I had to go down to the tow, the tow company to get my rental car at one point. And I just over and I overheard people. And my friend, my friend was like, that's on me. He took care of it or whatever, which is, which is nice or never. But it was still annoying. But when I overheard at the tow truck place was so funny. I just over here, employees talking each other and they just go, yeah, ever since Joe Rogan came to town, there's just a lot more toes. It feels so funny.

One of them hosts the Joe Rogan experience. Fuck. Getting a rental car toad is a particular. particular version of hell. Shouldn't you just be able to be like, so I'm done with my rental, you can pick it up here. You should be able to call her to just be like, yeah, so that one's, that's, I need a new, I need a new one. You guys got to go to the toll place.

You never feel like life is more of just a complete sham, just like complete top the bottom facade. I've been towed so many times and every time it's just, you're like, what? Like, I think the impound lot closed on weekends, too. So it was like, one time I got towed on a Friday. And they were like, we don't work on the weekends. I was like, well, that's really fucked up. Yeah. So cool.

And then you got to pay for the weekend fee. Yeah. You know, sometimes it feels like America is just a bunch of fees. Well, anyway. Also, oh, I'll go say this. I also learn, I also learned there's the tow place. They had a, they had like, you know, the cops have the, the American flag with the blue line. They have one with a yellow line. And I looked it up and it's real. The yellow line is for like

tow truck drivers and like some other weird amalgamation of stuff. But I'm like, oh, it's yellow because it's piss. Because we should be pissing on you. Because you are absolute piss. Fuck me. The idea is that is awesome. That's so good. Like I don't agree with the blue one, but I'm like, I get the propaganda. but to be like, we're the yellow toe guys. How about some tow guy respect? Don't mess with these cones don't melt. All right, Alan, we're going to guess what year this paper's from.

Dave Prestus picked it out. You can guess any year, 1900s, 1800s, 1700s. There's no clue. There's no clue. There's no reason to do it. But I feel that with so much stuff, I kind of just keep doing the routines. just holding on to something that's maybe gone. But what?

I can tell you it's Los Angeles. It's a Los Angeles paper. That doesn't help. Oh, yeah, it does. It does. Because it's after 18. 18 what? 40.

It's a hard time for you, isn't it? I got no idea when the second half of this country started. But go ahead, Alan. You could just take a shot in the dark guess. I'll say 1986. That's great. I'll say 1912

You're wrong It's 1900 May 12th So Alan wins Yeah Alan wins Yeah It's funny about

It was three cents Three cents was the paper Yeah Fuck what was gum What was gum? What a crazy thing that I do a lot

That's my That's kind of my belt You do everything based In like Gum money A car used to be $500 at all. You're like, yeah, but how much was gum? How many pennies was gum? Did they

even have gum? Did they have it yet? Yeah, that's the question. Yeah. A lot of people are asking. A lot of people want to know about gum. Gum laws. It's the Los Angeles Times. Saturday morning, May 12th, 1900. Year of our Lord Jesus Christ.

What? Who were big fans of. Different. Must write a book. Penalty for Professor Gilbert's liberal teachings. Must write a book. Must write a book.

This is from Chicago. The rod of correction has the rod of correction. By the way, I've definitely... I've seen that one. I've walked into a room naked and said that before. Who dare deny the rod of correction. I got a rod of correction. That's what Russell Brand does now.

It's called the rod of correction. Sometimes you can put your rod of correction in the flashlight and just things. store them together. Crakey. The Roda correction has fallen on the back of Professor George Holly Gilbert. I put the product. Go ahead. Of the Chicago Congregation Theological Seminary.

Hmm. A year's leave of absence with pay. Well, that's a fucking vacation. That you just, that's a year's vacation. Yes. Yes. Who would? I didn't do that math right away, but you are accurate.

Who wouldn't, if they were like, we're suspending you with all, you get all the money. Yeah. Was he also a cop? Yeah, he shot a guy and they were like, look, you don't get to walk for you. You got to be a priest. And with the understanding that he will write another book which shall exculpate him from the charge of teaching injurious doctrine. Wow.

So his punishment is that he has to write a book and gets paid for it. Christ. What a nightmare. This is how the church... This is how Chelsea Handler's book happened. Yeah. This is how the church punishes people. Gotta love it.

Is the penalty laid upon the ultra-liberal instructor by the board of directors at the seminary this afternoon? Tomorrow, Professor Gilbert were announced to the board his acceptance or rejection of the terms. Jesus Christ, the nerve! Nah. Nah, I don't want to get paid for nothing. I'm out.

You want to pay me to write a book? Go fuck yourself. How dare you? Shocked the doctor. New article. Oh, new article. Okay. I figured he would include into that.

Sometimes people will be on the show and they'll be like, this all happened to one guy? No, sorry, it hasn't been eight different stories. One was about owls. How do you not realize? It's just like Forrest Gump, this guy's life. Shock the doctor Shock the doctor

That's a good song Illinois Fraternal Order sued for damages Fraternal Order Why are these stories a lot of Illinois It's very suspicious LA Times is like That don't care

That would be so fucking funny If you forgot to like as an editor You're like, we didn't do the paper To the Chicago Tribune Chicago Tribune Chicago Tribune There you go, quick, cool, there we go. Cool, cool, cool, cool. This says exclusive dispatch.

So this is... Exclusive dispatch. I think nobody else knows this. That's what I do. A lot of people do it only fans, I do an exclusive dispatcher. Where I show the rod, whatever it was called. The corrective rod. Corrective rod.

Dr. W.C. Sensibah, a dentist of Port Byron. That definitely sounds like a southern guy saying sensible, by the way. Setsabah? That's a sense of our choice. Quite sensible. Has brought suit to recover 50,000 in damages from the fraternal tribunes. Fraternal Tribunes is weird to me. A fraternal and beneficiary order having a large representation in this state.

Okay. This doesn't tell me anything. It's just a bunch of guys who get together and drink. Yeah, it is. It sounds like a mason paper. Yeah. Dr. Sensible, do you want to do it? I mean, it's all I want to do, but everyone's thinking of.

Dr. Sensabaabah was initiated May 10th, 1898, when Port Byron Lodge was instituted, and one of the features of the initiatory ceremony... Initiatory bullshit. You don't like the word? Not a word. Was the administering of an electric. shock to the candidate while blindfolded. Holy fuck.

That's how you do it. You want in or not? Like the way. That'd be great. I wonder what, how they're giving him the shock. I mean, they don't have like cattle prods back in. 1909, yeah. I assume it's just hooked up to a battery maybe or?

I don't know enough. And that's not even, that's outside of this article. Which is weird because you're, you're our electricity expert on the show. Let me, I mean what guy? Wow. Alan, are you familiar with electricity in the 1900s? I thought they were still using like whale blubber back then. Okay, so that we're a little off from where we need to be.

That's why I'm the electrical guy. Yeah. By default. Hey, let's shock him with the whale blubber. He survived again. Sensibar's blindfold became disarranged and he had sought to evade the shock, but in so doing, fell hands down. on the battery.

Oh no. That's fucking, that's terrible. It's like a cartoon. It's too much. It's too much. Oh, no,

no, no, I miss the other one. Receiving a shock, which rendered him unconscious for some time and paralyzed his right side for many months.

Oh. Fuck. Okay. That's like, there's this, I always think of this, there's the scene at the beginning of Terminator 2.

And yeah, that's right. I'm talking term. Well, not, because your science brain is going to where you know science. I just kept thinking about a thing that I never have been able to shake, but there's a part to turn it to where he throws, he throws this guy on like the griddle and the guy's trying to get off the griddle. It's like, every time you put your hand down to move off the griddle, you're like, it's burning worse.

Yeah. So that's what you're coming up with this? Yeah. My history's. I heard, I don't know if you guys know, Sean Plenary. out in Chicago. Yeah. I think this was him.

It could be anyone from Chicago. They're all animals out there. But I heard us, I think it was him where he was literally interviewing at like some sort of battery factory or something like that. And the guy was like, so, so you know, you know about batteries, right? And apparently Sean picked up a battery that was like on the guy's desk. And he goes, what do you think? And then did the thing where like you put it to your tongue, like with the nine vault.

Like thinking it's like a nineval, but apparently it was like, super strong so he literally knocks himself out and goes face down on the guy's desk. I think I want to say that to it. I think that's like part of a blackout diary's thing I heard one time.

Like a living cartoon character. That is so fucking great. It sounds like something what's his name, Robinson would do in the chair company. Oh, Tim Robinson. Yeah. I had a teacher. I wasn't in class.

for this, but it was like, there is, we had this teacher, Ms. Morales, and he was basically like, he was telling everyone in the class, like, there's 10,000 volts in this, so nobody touch it, and just like a fucking comedy, his pinky touched it, and he just, he

like got so shocked, and then I think he, like, knocked his hand off of the thing, and he was like, and he was like, God damn. Like the rest of the class, he was like, can't teach.

Licking a battery and passing out. Because when you wake up from passing out to you don't know what happened. Right. I got the job? I think that was the punchline. He alleges

permanent disability on the score that he has never been able to use his right arm to any extent since. How much, how fucking many volts was this? I mean, they probably didn't have a lot of ability to control. I don't think they were in. I mean, if you really think about what they were going for, is there even an answer?

Like, how many volts to cure this man's schizophrenia? Like, it's unanswerable. Also, I don't have a lot of sympathy for the guy who was like, I mean, he kind of did this to himself. Like he was going to be. I don't like your angle. But he went to a fraternal order with initiation ritual of getting shocked and then he fell over on the battery.

Like, yeah, yeah, it's kind of on you. on this one. All right, I get it. It's got on you. Yeah, it is. It's amazing. Yeah. No, and then these kids nowadays, you try to hook them up to a battery to join your frat.

And they're like, my mommy, he said I can't. It's like crazy. The Ohio frat video. What is that? Oh, you haven't seen it? No. These cops come to a frat in, I think it's Ohio. And I don't know why they got called there, but they go to the basement and turn on the lights.

and it's just, it's like, I want to say like 50 dudes, pledges, and they're all in their boxers, and they're just standing there. It's like from the movie weapons, which you probably haven't seen, but they're all just standing there in their boxers. And then the cops are like, all right, guys, come on. And they're like, just won't move. And the cops like, guys, it's the cops, but they think they're being haze. So they just stay there.

And they won't leave. And then another guy who's like one of the older guys. is like being a smart ass with the cops and it's just like, you don't need to be here, right? Like, it's just all so fucking weird. But wait, the pledges won't move because they think it's part of the hazing. Yeah, they think that's...

Nice try. Because the brothers are probably like, you can't leave her no matter what. Even if the cops show up. And then they're just standing there for a while. They won't, they won't move. Don't join one. Bulletproof skull.

I see... Ha ha ha ha. Is that, what do you know about those? You're a science guy. They don't, those have alluded science as far as I've known, but the Egyptians got closest. His head was too hard for lead to penetrate. Fucking, what a power. That can't be true.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of people back then that had lead-proof skull. It was very common in the 1900s. Okay. Poor ammunition and a skull of unusual heart. yesterday saved the life of William Marked, Marquide, which he would fain have thrown away. Marquite is the proprietor of the mechanics lodging house on East 2nd Street in Los Angeles, where he tried to kill himself

about 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. Oh, buried the lead on that one? Yeah, really, they have no, like... He's probably an actor. waking something up like, you have an incredibly hard skull. Wait, what? I know it got tough.

What happened? But now you're going to be able to do a one-man show about your head. Oh, what head? That's how this works now. What head? Oh, no. His reason for wishing to die was physical suffering. Oh, this is sad now.

Jesus Christ. Although apparently a very robust and healthy man, the Marquite has been sorely afflicted with pains in the abdomen due to injuries sustained years ago. He had been advised to undergo a surgical operation as his only hope of permanent relief, but he could not make up his mind to undergo the ordeal. See, this is what it was like in 1909 with surgery.

You were like, I think I'd rather just take myself out than have a doctor be like, now we put my poo-covered hands inside of the man's belly, have a wiggle around and pray for the best. I'll just squeeze stuff and tell me if it hurts. There we go. For several weeks, Marquite had been practically best, fast on account of his amalady.

Yesterday he suffered more pains than usual, and taking a revolver from his trunk, he laid down on his bed and tried to end his misery, but only aggravated his troubles. Oh, God. That's the problem with, like... I bet you belly don't hurt so bad now, huh? Yeah, aside from actually having it successful

when it's not. Yeah. The revolver, which was a cheap imitation of a 32 caliber smith in West and 6th, shooter. You don't want to get a cheap imitation. Cheap, cheap. I mean, by the way, this is your last purchase. Go big.

Get the class, you know, like, oh, $18. Had not been discharged for a long time. Been there. And the cartridges with which it was loaded had become rusty. Oh, Jesus. Christ. No. You're not supposed to do that.

You have tetanus. You're not supposed to do that. No. No, you're really not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to do that. No. So you're not supposed to do that. Did you?

Sir, wake up. He snapped the six chambers at his head and not a single cartridge exploded. He kept clicking it? Whoa. Whoa. This guy's, this guy's Russian solitaire. Very good. Thank you.

What the fuck? Wow. Wait a minute. That is crazy. I'd be like, okay, you know what? The Lord stepped in. Oh, one bullet. Okay, wait.

He kept snapping until four exploded. One bullet missed his head entirely. What was, you have one job? And bored a hole into the wall at the head of his bed. The other three struck him on the head, but his skull was so hard they failed to penetrate it. That is not even rendered him at Con. That's not what happened. The rusty old bullets.

He shot himself three times. But even with rusty bullets, you shoot yourself three times in the head and you'll like, I'm alive. But they must have, the metal must have been so, like, you know, disintegrated that it like just didn't. Why, look at his skull! I would definitely leave, like, be like, I am a superhero. Yeah, I mean, I would definitely at this point.

Your bullets don't hurt me. Oh, that one did, actually. Probably like drinking all that raw milk back then or something. Probably whatever gave him the stomach ache gave him a strong skull. Yeah. It's always milk. Probably some Greek tragedy situation. Yeah.

Several inmates of the house rushed to Marquite's room, and as soon as they heard the pistol, they found him lying on the bed with bloods. Well, not as soon as they heard the pistol because he did get four off. Right. So. They found him lying on the bed with blood streaming into his eyes, but far from being dead. Hey, what are you guys doing? gas suicide so hard

smoking revolver and a box of cartridge just lay out a stand would you guys reload with some less rusty bullet the internet was able to converse what are you guys doing the night and told his friends the particulars of his futile attempt to commit suicide fuck

someone notified the police of the shooting and an extra patrol wagon with Captain Bradish acting his driver hasten to the scene and conveyed him to the receiving hospital where the police sergeant attended him. The doctor found one bullet. The sergeant? How you doing? Police surgeon, sorry. Surgeon, okay. The police sergeant. I'm right. How are you? The doctor found one bullet embedded in the scalp at the top of his forehead. So he kind of, was he doing his shot? Why does he clean that? Yeah. He really. Maybe when the bullet,

it went off the gun. I mean, he was probably like three it at that point, so he's probably like, yeah. The two others, which had taken effect, plowed short furrows through the scalp and glanced off the skull

without penetrating or fracturing it. Marquis escaped from serious injury is considered most remarkable. The thickness of his cranium undoubtedly had as much to do with having him as the poor quality of the weapon and ammunition.

The would-be suicide is a man, of giant frame. He is 23 years old, a native of Iowa. He was injured. He feels like facts at the beginning of the art, but they're just closing out with like 23, Iowa-based, Sagittarius. He was injured internally while...

Hard-headed. He was injured internally while pulling stumps when only 17 and has not been able to perform hard work since. He can't... Stumps? Yeah. Okay. that's what you do back then

he came to the city from Minnesota two years ago and soon literally who cares I mean this is a very strange way to end this is backwards article and soon afterward bought the lodging house which he managed how do you afford a lodging house up to a month ago he also worked at the fruit

and grocery store of J.N. Simmons Mr. Simmons and all of Marquis' acquaintances speak very highly of him. They say he is a young man of scrupulous integrity and unblemished character. And he had never hinted at any suicide to any of them. And they were greatly shocked. That is so, it was weird. He never brought up that extreme pain that wanted to, that he wanted to end at all. I don't know.

And I work with him two days a week. It's the male loneliness epidemic. It's been going on for a long time. Long time. Long time. Never brought it up. The injured man's relatives all live in Minnesota and Iowa, but he will not lack attention while lying in the hospital recovering from his wounds.

He has ample means to provide such comforts as he may need and many friends. Well, okay. Great. Lobbying for why he should be okay is strange at the end of this article too. Yeah. He has a lot to live for. He just doesn't realize that just yet. But now that he's scarred,

he'll be in a much better place. I mean, it might happen. You know, he might. He's got a story now. Yeah, now, yeah, there's an angle. And plus, you got that, like, you know, I got a super thick skull. That's like, seriously, 1909, that's free beer. He could travel with a, with a freak show or something, too.

Yeah. Just get shot in the head every day. The rhinoceros man. Ivory dome. Every night getting shot in the circus. I don't know. Maybe I could get on the tightrope. You've got your angle, kid.

Now let us shoot the back of your head. Remember, we got three shows tonight. Show business, yeah. Come on. Come on. Wants his old job. Samuel Dugan presented an application to the board of police commissioners yesterday for reappointment as many.

of the police force. The application or petition bears the signatures of some of the best known citizens of this city, but their approval of his efforts to again wear a star

will avail him little. Wow, so this is when you could get thrown off of a police force. Right? You can still get thrown off, but the next town over always hires you.

Yeah, right. Duggan was formerly a member of the force and five years ago he made a desperate effort to kill Robert Lee another policeman. Oh. Oh. Okay. All right.

And I'm listening. That hate it. A little, Chris Dorner situation going on here. A little daughter. Yeah. A little daughter. A little daughter.

A little dorner. You do it a little dorna? You do to know-key. They did not, they fucking should not have let us head. daughter details because then we were all like, who! Oh, Dornner. Cook in that cabin, huh?

Dorn and doing a little cooking in the cabin. Was he the one they called out like Larry David and stuff? Like, it is like, I like watching Kruger infuse out. He's just like going off. I'm like, all right, dordered.

All right. Dorda losing me a little bit in the manifesto real quick. He made it desperate. effort to kill Robert Lee and other policemen shooting him five times, one of the bullets going through Lee's arm. Well, that's not. Is that the worst? It seems like, seems like aim might have taken him off the force.

Somebody better places to shoot him, man. Now, we know the kidney is located in the arm. He got him right in the brain. He shot right. Got him in the heart, the stomach, but that arm shut. Of course he was arrested, and upon conviction, he was sent to the penitentiary. He served almost all of his term and was pardoned out. His civil rights being restored to him.

He has since been of some service to the police and now desire his sole job. Awesome. Yeah, it isn't really quite a life. Awesome. That is a life well-less, to be honest. Awesome. You have it. Can you imagine if he's your friend bringing up like, you know, I was thinking of maybe

seeing if I could be a cop again. What are you talking about? No, you know, I mean, I serve my friend. time so maybe I can go back. I mean, I understand what I did to Bob was crazy. If anybody knows not to shoot out of the cop, it's... What are the odds I want to kill another

one? Come on, guys. Astronomical. Listen to my story. What the fuck are you doing here? I'd like my old job back. What? No. Why not? I got pardoned. It means it didn't happen.

Hey, is Robert still on the force? If not, I think this could work. My issues were with Robert. Straw's bad thumb. Edgar Straw, a young man, died at the San Francisco City and County Hospital yesterday after a short illness. He came to the city from Santa Barbara a few days ago and made application to become a member of the Naval Brigade at Goat Island. Goat Island.

I've never heard of Goat Island. I'm from there. That's a straight version of a fire island. The fuck is goat island. Now I've got to look it up because. I'd rather go to Fire Island. Fire Island would be way more fun. Goat Island.

This food's terrible. It's a goat. Yeah. It's everything's goat. What? A goat chowder and go white bars. You want some more goats too? They changed the name of it.

Yeah, okay. Was it Alcatraz? No, it's the island in the middle of the bay that the bay bridge goes over. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. I don't know why they changed it. It's a beautiful name.

I mean, but maybe there were goats there and they got rid of them. It'd be fucking great. That's what I'd imagine. So why would you call it Goat Island if there weren't goats on it. You put goats on the island and then you call it Goat Island. Definitely go to a goat island. Monkey Island would be the thing. I'd go there too.

His application was rejected, however, the medical examiner refusing to pass him on account of slight disfigurement of his thumb. That's crazy to get thumb flagged. Yeah, I would think the Naval Brigade would take anybody, but

a slight disfigurement of his thumb. What is it? It's also a pinky. How bad can it fucked up thumb be? I have two pinkies. A young man was disappointed and determined to seek surgical aid at the hospital to remedy the defect. An operation was performed, but blood poisoning set in and death ensued. Oh, my God.

Wow. Geez, all for your little, to join the Navy? Yeah, so he got an infection. Blood poisoning is really horrendous. term. But they, you know, they're like not washing their hands. They're like, let's just fix that thumb. And then they pick up a shit hand and they rub it all over his thumb.

Sorry, I've been pretty sick lately. Two thumbs way down on that one. By the way. How was my experience? My pinky's down and down. It's all I have that. I can't even imagine what a thumb disfigurement would. Yeah.

Like for the Navy to be like, I don't think so. Yeah, for the Navy to say no, it would have to be the actual movement of it, right? But then what kind of surgery would they get? I can't eat. I mean, can't,

I really. It's got to be something they thought they could fix with surgery. Maybe he couldn't go, hey, maybe in the... Oh, he was like, couldn't be cool. Maybe in the Navy you got to get some for stuff.

Like, they couldn't salute. Yeah. Right. Oh, because his thumb would poke himself in the eye. Yeah. Now I'm seeing a lot of.

It's really patriotic issues. Boy, spelling disfigurement for me, I think I might have thumb issues with literally how far off disfigure it was every time I tried. Well, the new Apple operating system. It's so fucking bad. Walk me through the Apple meetings

when they're talking about an update. They're just like, we'll move where the X is so that they're not able to save a picture. We'll track them harder and make it more impossible. Spell check, we're going to take a bigger poop.

coupon. That's my thing. I'm working on that, but. Everyone feel good? I want just crazy words to come up when you start typing. Every time you do the update, you're like, why did you, what the fuck are you doing? You made it worse. Stop.

Yeah, congratulations on making everything worse. And I heard maybe a new charger. Oh, yeah, they're doing a new charger. This is out of, they. It's a money grab. Alan? The apple, the apple? take.

The apple has gone rotten, boys. I don't know how much more I can take. It is not good. Apple's gone rotten. Mook's gunplay. Mux. Mux gun play. Okay.

Mooks is so weird. Mook. Uh, it's M-U-C-K-E. Muck. Muck. Muck-E. M-K. M-K.

M-K. M-K. M-K. M-K. M-K. Yeah, that a macky, boy. Mucky Island. Hello, Mucky, Island, Mucky.

It's Mucky. Muckie. Muckie. It's Mewke. It's Mewke. Shut up, Muckay. Henry Muckay, keeper of a saloon at the corner of Fifth in San Pedro Streets, was convicted in Justice Morgan's courier today of flourishing a revolver in the face of R.P. Finch, a carpenter,

in an effort to make Finch treat the house. A lot of gunplay. I need you to treat my house. Treat the house. Just treat the goddamn house. Finish it. Muck and Finch had been scuffling. That definitely sounds like the start of like a novel.

You're like, I like where this is going. Yeah, come on. Put them up, Make. Come on, Makey. What are you going to do, little Muckay? And the latter's watch. and chain had been taken out of his pocket by someone. Well, if someone took Muckay's watch, now there's a Duke.

Now they're Duke sparring. I've also imagined him as like a greaser. It's like a hot topic wallet. Muckay. After considerable trouble, the timepiece was returned to Finch by Muck, who demanded as compensation for recovering the watch. That Finch pay for drinks for the crowd. This actually is the most like 1909 article so far.

Yeah. It feels right. We've got pocket watches. We've got like saloon bartering. Well, you got your watch back, Finch. Now it's time to buy one for the whole ground. You know how it works. I got your watch.

I gave it back. Now you've got to buy drinks for everybody. I'm saying you took the watch to make me buy drinks. Finch refused. and Muck flourished a revolver in an effort to enforce his demands. Well, he refuses to play pocket watch so I will not kill it.

There are watch rules. Good Lord. Yeah. You know what beats watch? Revolver. Revolver beats watch. Oh, here we go. All right, Mucky, cool down now.

Slow down, Mucky. Yesterday, Muckie's barkeeper, Brown, a railway mail clerk named Hart. What, literally, I have ever... every job in the town. No, it's different guys. Okay, okay. By the way, I successfully do every job here.

They'd be gig in in L.A. for a long time. Honestly, yeah. Muckie's barkeeper, Brown, a railway mail clerk named Hart, and H. Smith, a night watchman in the employee of the Elms Patrol, gave evidence for the defendant, but their testimony was conflicting. and the court characterized it as unworthy credence Muckay was found guilty

and will be sentenced at 1.30 today. 130 is so specific. Muckay was tried before Justice Austin and a jury short time ago on the charge of violating the Sunday closing ordinance. What is that? So the bar, oh yeah, the bar to be closed on Sunday. They stayed open on Sunday.

I love that that's the crime. Wow, Mucky. you've clearly broke the law. Well, that was a while they're saying when he's an habitual criminal. Right. The jury disagreed. They all drank there. Yeah, right.

I like what this guy's doing. Many bags of prunes. Okay, let's play ad or article? ad yeah that sounds like an ad it's an article god damn many packs

a Pasadena man charged with stealing them stealing prunes you know they really prunes really has not dug themselves like big prune has not dug themselves

out of the hole of for old people to shit I really think that that has been a lifetime X for me yeah Oh, yeah. Constipated. Maybe.

But imagine before you knew that fruits were the shit fruit. But they have. When I think of, I don't know if I've ever had a prune because I'm like, eh, when I'm older and I need a crap. I think I've had one once. I've never, I don't think I've ever, I've had a date.

Never had a prune. I mean, if you, if you've had a plum, you kind of, you know. I've had a lot of plums. Wait, is that what a prune is? It's just a dried little prune. I think,

I think prune is to plum as like raisin is to, to, grape. I don't care for raisins. Now that we're airing our laundry. You don't like raisins? I don't care for raisins, especially on their own. What kind of fucked up child were you?

Kids love raisins. See what happens, Alan? We're having a conversation. We're expressing that. Dave goes, you're a child, you're dead to hurt you. Alan, where are you at on raisins?

Yeah, if we're talking about ants on a log, you know, I'll smile when I see them. If we're talking about raisins, just sort of on their own, I can take him or leave him. Alan, everyone smiles when they see ants on the log. Yeah, right. Dave, do you even know what he's talking about?

I knew he didn't. I knew he didn't know. It's a recipe. It's a trick to, it's a trick to make kids eat celery. You put peanut butter and raisins on it. You say it's ants on a log. And it's delicious. I just like celery.

Okay. Go back to the paper. All right. You got a bit of an attitude. I didn't have to be tricked like a dog. If I didn't know about it on a log and someone tells me about it, I go, oh, that sounds good. I don't go. It's always good on its own.

More of a just celery guy. Celery is good on its own. It is. Oh, sweet God. It's one of nature's snacks. You. I got a basketball. I got a buffalo wild wings.

I get a basket of celery. I get wings on the side. Hey, can I do the 12 wings, but I don't need the wings? Nature gave us a deleture. Delicious a vegetable. Guy who's too worried about being not manly. So you're only eats vegetables at Buffalo Wild Wings. Yeah.

Guy who wants to hang with his buddies. He's a Buffalo Wild Wings, but doesn't want her to reveal he's a vegetarian. That sounds good. I'll do the same rub. I don't need the wings. Just give me all that celery and no ranch. Thanks a bunch.

It's going to be a good lunch. Yeah. How good is celery? Ants on a log I'm right You're wrong One of the big controversies On this show is that I've never had

Fried mozzarella sticks He's never had mozzarella sticks He's never been to Wendy's I've had I've had Mozarella sticks But not fried mozzarella sticks But I've had

What's a non-fried mozzarella steak? It's just cheese Alan Strickland Williams Is all of us Okay He's had a piece of A mozzarella

Yeah Yeah yeah Yeah But he's speaking he's like, uh, technically. No reason to garnish that up. It's fine the way it is. What the fuck are you?

What the fuck? I'm a purist when it comes to food, but even what you're saying is great, just give me celery. I don't need peanut butter mucking up the works. I would actually enjoy celery and some mozzarella right now. It sounds pretty good.

All right. Alan and I are going to go do a different episode. Good day, David. Robert Catterson of Pennsylvania. Pasadena, a trembling and forlorn individual, was on trial in the Superior Court yesterday. Hey, how's my article in the paper? I'm not good. Did the writer do me right after I gave him all that access to my story?

Well, I hope it comes out okay. Catterson is a trembling old bitch who nobody wants to be around. Well, that's kind of me. Imagine if a ghost had skin. I'm not old. I'm not old. A fat, shaking whale who can breathe on land. Yesterday was charged with grand larceny.

The property stolen was 30 bags of prunes. A trembling man stealing 30 bags of prunes is like, I think you're allowed to. Yeah. And I'm picturing like bank bags, like big. Yeah, right? I'm picturing third. I'm picturing a thousand prunes a bag. That'd be good.

Worth about $75 and belonging to C.C. Thompson, who resides in Pasadena on North Lake Avenue. I know North Lake. I know, but I just can't imagine there. I can't imagine that being a ranch there. But there was. No, there was a ranch there before. Yeah. Now there's a cheesecake factory.

There's a chickfil-a. A bunch of stuff. Yeah. The prunes disappeared from his. ranch house on February 19th. Katterson is a sorry man to look at. Well, to be fair, I mean, again, it's brutal, obviously. But if you are like the face of prune theft, it's kind of like,

I'm sorry. This is so good. He has the appearance of a nervous physical wreck. Has the article. They didn't get into my physical stuff, did they? His eye is dull, his head bald, and his hand shaking. What? I'm not that bald.

This is awesome. It's like a novel. It is a roasting article. Besides the prune episode, he has also been accused with Jesse Millison, just captured in Portland, with having maintained a very extensive, equipped robber's roost in Pasadena.

Thompson missed his dried fruit the following day, So he was like, where is, I had 70 bags of prunes out here. What the hell happened? I got to take a shit yesterday. God damn it, that was my retirement. Look at these weak-ass footprints leading to the where this man's hiding out.

As he drove onto his ranch, he noticed that a well-beaten path had been made from his fruit house to the road across the barley. Oh my God, not covering your fucking prune tracks. I'll just go this way. It looked as if he had, it had been worn by two men. He next noticed that the lock to the shed was gone, and he found that 30 sacks of prunes had been carried away. Wow.

The decision to pull the trigger on that crime. My God, all my poons are gone. Not very pruned. No, not very pruned. I agree with you. 100% Prunden at all. Give it up for prudent.

What would be prudent? Wouldn't be prudent. Wouldn't be pruned it. This whole town ain't going to be shitting for a week. We found the criminal on a huge mound of crap. Yeah.

Uh-oh. Each one weighed about a hundred and five. pounds. Holy fuck. So we are talking like... This is a lot of prunes. So this is trip after trip after trip. This is grand larceny. This is crazy. It's a two-man job. They had to carry it together, I would assume. But they took 30 bags. Yeah. It's 105 total pounds. No, each one. A hundred five pounds a bag. Yeah. So that is tons of trips with the prunes. Yeah, there's no way they

can say it all. Before they got there, they got oil all over their hands and feet. so they were slipping everywhere. Yeah. And then one guy kept eating them. No! I got to stop. Give me a sec. These are delicious.

I fucked up. I ate 40 fruits. I mean, like, 20 bags of prunes, I would be like, I think we're good. We're got to keep going. Let's get another 10 while we can. I don't think we're going to want to keep eating these. We're going to be prunionaires. This is going to be great.

The first news of the recovery of the prunes came from Pomona, where constable Gilbert stated he had Catterson in the lockup and the prunes in safekeeping. I didn't put them in the same cell, obviously. He also informed the passing authorities that his prisoner had admitted where the prunes were obtained. Gilbert testified yesterday that he arrested Catterson on a public highway between Pimona and North Ontario, whither the latter was driving with a load of prunes drawn by a team of horses. Oh, right, there's not a car. Wow.

But still, there's no way they could put all 30 bags on us. So the prunes are elsewhere also. I've lost track of the prunes, if I'm being totally honest. The constable Joe up to the wagon told Catterson to halt, accused him of stealing the prunes, handcuffed him, unhitched the team, and tied them to the wagon, and took the prisoner back to Pomona. Man. It's got to be, you got to be really, like, nervous when you get pulled over.

And you got all those prunes. Oh, no. I work at the rest home. I would love for you. I would love for you to take a look around, officer, but I'm in a bit of a rush. Thompson then went to identify his lost prunes. Those are mine. Those are them.

And had a long conversation with Catterson. Catterson explained how he came. to take the fruit. Why would you allow that? All right. Now you can talk to him. Son, could you tell me how you managed to pull off? You two can talk for 20 minutes if you want, about what happened. The greatest prune theft. Why did you take him? Yeah. Um, so he explained how he came to the fruit. It took him four hours to load the 30 sacks onto his wagon. He said that he would have taken more had he not been completely in carrying away as many as he did.

There's a word that I was not expected. Wow. Wow. What am I watching the hangover? This is what Thompson says Catterson told him in jail. Quote, by, why did you take the prunes? You know, I'm getting a lot of that.

He asked the prisoner and said that he bore no animosity toward him, but rather feelings of pity. that's nice i feel sad for you prune thieves caterson has said to replied that a sick brother in canada oh that's always the move see my brother's better than Canada

whom he loved dearly it's this is his lorenzo's oil sent for money he had none he was out of work and he took the prunes to raise the money for his brother he denied that anybody else was implicated constable gilbert's cross-examination showed that the arrest of caterson was an exciting one.

The constable testified that he drove alongside Caterson, who was seated high up on his wagon, and being unable to see him because of the buggy top, whipped out a pistol and told them to stop. Cattison was very nervous, and Gilbert then climbed into the wagon, kept his man covered, and ordered him to open up his hands

until the handcuffs were clamped. When Cattison took the stand on his own behalf, he denied having stolen the prunes and testified that he, had received them from Millison who said he had taken the prunes to pay as payment for a debt.

They wanted him to sell them near Pomona. It's just a quite a lot. We're getting in the weeds with the pruned crime. Yeah, we don't actually need it. He said, she said on prune. Yeah, and it's like,

it was a real exciting capture. He got him. That's it. It would be great if this was the first subject of the first true crime podcast. Yeah, right, right. He accepted the job, but did not know at the time that the prunes were stolen. He denied that he ever admitted taking the fruit to raise money for his sick brother in Canada.

He says, however, that his brother's family is dependent on him for support, and then he may have told the authorities that he didn't care about being mixed up in the affair as far as he himself was concerned. But his brother badly needed the money he might have earned, and he had not been in... Can't read that. The case will be argued this morning. Christ, mighty. Well, I'm tired.

That was... That's tired. That's tired. Everyone's energy dropped. That was the... Prunes can also suck the life out of you. It's a pruned on it. No.

No. You got anything else? You can come up with something else. Two prune. Two pruned. Prunedance was better. That felt like an hour ago than Alan made that joke, though. I think it was the last time he was on the show

Oh, brutal Well Well We'll continue on Okay Mysterious explosion in the oil field That's prune related Mysterious explosion in the oil field

accounted for The mystery concerning a loud explosion In the oil belt near Sister's Hospital On Monday night Was cleared up yesterday by the police George Hamill All the boy living in the neighborhood When taken before Chief

Belton made a confession which satisfactorily accounted for the occurrence. The explosion shook the buildings for blocks around and was heard distinctly as far away as Baker Block. Wow. That's pretty far. Yeah. When the police investigated, they found nothing but a hole in the ground where it outhouse and stood.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Wow. So this is pruned. And there was a man standing by going. Boy, I really blew that up. I would give it 10 to 15 before you go in there, fellas. Splenters from the building were scattered far and wide. And filth from the vault under the outhouse covered the surrounding.

So wait. Like stucco. Wait, what? It's shit. So is that what I mean, is an outhouse exploded from oil? Maybe it's from oil. But either way, an outhouse exploded. An outhouse definitely exploded.

and covered everything with shit like stucco. I remember I was on a flight once I must have been going to like England or something and there was a woman who didn't speak English next to me this is before you had your own personal TV and the movie RV with Robin Williams and Cheryl Hines was playing

and at one point there is a gratuitously horrendous shit scene where it's like he's emptying the RV and like shit is just spraying. I mean, I was like shocked it was on a plane. I've never seen someone laugh harder. This woman was like going to die. She was like, yeah, I was like, ma'am, this is so easy.

It was plain that a heavy charge of dynamite had been exploded near the, under the building, but not, but by whom was the question, which was not solved before young Hamel made his confession. Wow, so he did it. According to Hamel's story, he and another boy. were in the habit of pilfering dynamite from work. It's a habit. We've all had that. I was just thinking that, Alan. I was just thinking the day, when I was a kid, when I was like 12,

we would go in to San Francisco. I live north of San Francisco. You're a good island. We would take the ferry and the bus, and then we'd go to Chinatown, and we would get bottle rockets, firecrackers, and M80s. M80s were the player. Wow, yeah.

And that is literally an eighth of dynamite. M80s were awesome. And you would just blow shit up like fucking crazy. And the explosion was insanely loud. Yes. And we would just be blowing them off all the fucking time. And I looked it up the other day. I'm like, can you still?

You can absolutely not get those anymore. Oh, you can't. Oh, no. They are like super illegal. You cannot get them anywhere. Oh, I used to love them 80s. Yeah, now it's all like locked down because it's a legit explosion. Is it safe to say that it's like,

fireworks went woke. Their firewoke. According to Hamel's story, he and the other boys were in the habit of pilfering dynamite from workmen who used it in removing casings from oil wells. The urchins, that's the they used to call it back then. Call what? The kids, street kids, urchins. Urchins.

The urchins would take sticks of the explosive thus obtained to the old reservoir back of the sister's hospital. and set it off under cover of night just to hear the report. The report. I get that. Report back. It's a fun loud explosion. It is.

On Monday night, the Hamleboy gave three sticks of the stuff. Three sticks of dynamite. That's a lot. That's a heck Sethian. Three sticks of dynamite. Yes. To a companion who had to take care of until convenient time to explode it in the basin. But the custodian of the dynamite became impatient to experiment with it.

Yeah. Yeah. You got it exploding a hole in your pocket. I mean, someone gives you dynamite. You're just going to hang around. You're not like, yeah, how's this weekend? You're like, the custodian of the dynamite. You mean the dick shit?

The dip shit that had this dynamite. I am the custodian of the dynamite. I think it is a fucking idiot. There we go. Therefore, he placed a stick of it under an outhouse, attached a cap and fuse, and applied a match, then ran to his home. This is funny. I am now on board with this act. Blowing up an outhouse is pretty fucking great.

Good, yeah. In his flight, he forgot the other two sticks, which he left in the outhouse near the one with the fuse attached. They'll catch. So he three, he tripled the dose. I mean I love it The explosion of the first stick set off the other two

Yeah that's what happens And the little building was literally wiped off the earth Wiped off the earth The force of the explosion Is shown by the fact That the body of a lizard Was blown into the surface

Of a solid two inch plank Okay Well look I already know it's a very Because the building's gone I have a new way of measuring My metric of the power of dynamite is a little bit different

than some of the others. This, a lizard fully went into a board explosion. Yeah, but the building's gone, so that's kind of what we're going on. The building's got. Oh, the building's gone. Guys, check on this lizard. 19-0-9,

Mr. Wizard. The boy whom young Hamill charged with causing the explosion is not yet been arrested. Hamill himself was released from custody as no one cared to swear to complain against him. That's awesome.

Ah, it's just kids of dynamite. It's too funny. What are you going to do? This kid made shit go everywhere with dynamite. It's pretty good. All right, last one. All right. Butchers gag. They sure do.

Andrew Flankin, Flankin? Andrew Franklin. Andrew Franklin. I'm Flanking. It's Franklin, sorry. Oh, damn it. Andrew Franklin of 919 East 9-19, East 9th Street, who is employed by...

If you need to go see him, we have his address for you, Alan. Who is employed by Frank Allal, a Main Street butcher. Allow. Hello. As a purveyor of meats to the country trade, returned to... to town late Saturday night shy $25 of his employer's money. The notorious short man, along with the equally ill-famed long man, were alleged by Franklin to be the cause of the shortage.

What just happened? I mean, we're all wondering why they're a pesci and stern. I feel like whoever's right. This is like a closeted guy that's writing these articles because he's so, he's So, like, just cutting, just trembling man and this short man, just reading them to film. Infamously, infamously short. Infamously, no dolorously. Hopefully none of the people in the paper get the paper.

He'd be like, motherfucker. Holy shit. It'd be dirty. The story he told to the detective is as follows. He started out on his route Saturday morning with $8 in change and acquired 17 more from sales. he had been as far out as La Cagnada Oh, that's right next to me While returning by way of La Crescenta

Oh, that is my town The pole of his wagon broke Jesus Patching this up he pursued his travels 10 miles out of Los Angeles The two celebrated highway So they're well-known hire a man A tall skating guy and a little fat guy

Sure Laurel and Hardy Yeah, presented them arrayed in proper mode with black masks and revolvers. The meat butcher surrendered the money in his possession. The detectives considered this story an Anian tale of the sea. After undergoing a severe examination, Franklin tactically admitted that he had been romancing and offered to work out the $25 deficiency.

This is insane. I literally don't understand. Yeah. Look, I've been fucking the butcher. Wait, what's going on? I don't know. He took the money himself. Okay.

And setting up Rob by the old short and tall. This is an infamously short guy. You guys will find him, no problem. They go by the wet bandits. Well, Alan, thank you for joining us. Thank you for saying prudent. You're welcome. Everyone should go get ran through your new album.

and it was a fucking hoot, so come back and we love you? And I love you. I love prunes. Love prunes. Yeah, and the last article took place in Dave's neighborhood. Hey, what's up, Dollheads?

This is Gareth Reynolds from the Dollop, the podcast you're listening to. Hey, I've got some very exciting information. If you like movies and you're in the San Jose area, I made a movie. It's called Give It Up, and it will be at the CineQuest Film Festival. you can go to Give ItUpfilm.com for tickets and information.

It'll be March 15th is the main screening. So go to Give It Upfilm.com. Also, if you like stand-up comedy, February 4th, I'll be in Spokane, February 5th, Bend, Oregon. Then I'll be in Portland, February 6th, and February 7th. Three shows that night. Then I'll be at Flappers in Burbank, February 21st, Bakersfield, February 27th for two shows. I will be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 19th, Tulsa, Oklahoma, April 21st. Bricktown Comedy in Oklahoma City, April 22nd.

Dallas, Texas, April 23rd. Tyler, Texas, April 24th, finally. Houston, April 25th, two shows. Austin at the Great Cap City, April 26th, and then San Antonio, April 28th, and Tucson, April 29th. Gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information, but also if you want to go see my movie and you're in the San Jose area, Give ItUpfilm.com.